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Prose Tootsie Guirrel

Mysterier

Sr. Moderator: Words, Music Discussion, LAVA, TD
Staff member
Joined
Dec 25, 2003
Messages
21,034
Location
Portmeirion
Surprised and accosted by her sudden entry,
I met Tonya
Her bacon-fried hair had me sweating
All the thoughts I had coasting through
My brain like a fucking Rockstar
Swiftly exited with no evidence
That they ever existed in the first place

She said, "You want some butt?"
I struggled to reply, "E-e-excuse me?"
"My son is selling Boston butts."

Her eyes were a piercing blue
And her body was like a box that's been squished on the sides
I only say that because she told me
She said, "My body is like a box that's been squished on the sides."
That was after she must have noticed that I was uncomfortable
It was preceded by, "I ain't havin' no more kids."
Then I noticed the order forms.

She told me that her son's name is Darrel
You'll notice that I spelled that a particular way
That's because she proceeded to tell me that
'Some lady' tried to tell her that isn't the correct spelling
Of 'Daryl'
"D-A-R-R-E-L"
"I know how to spell my son's name, dog-faced bitch."
And she laughed with a cackle that sounded like someone's
Entire coin collection taking a spin in a washing machine
 

MrsGamp

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 3, 2020
Messages
1,280
Location
Australia
I really liked this, although am not sure why its labelled "prose", unless that is part of the joke!
Actually I am a rank ignoramus when it comes to poetry, despite having a PhD in Lit (apologies if sounds boastful to mention ... Actually my PhD has rendered me unemployable: recruitment agencies always want me to remove it from my CV...)

I digress, apologies, what was going to say is poetry ain't my field except Shakespeare, Sylvia Plath and a tiny bit of Bukowski...

So the nearest thing I can compare yours to is probably Bukowski, although it's not so proud-to-be-like-a-macho-finger-painting as some of his stuff. Actually is damn clever.

Fave bit was:
And she laughed with a cackle that sounded like someone's
Entire coin collection taking a spin in a washing machine

Criticism: I don't think you needed to attribute the interesting observation that "her body was like a box that's been squished on the sides" to this bacon-fried Goddess herself. It stands up on its own, and besides it doesn't sound like the kind of thing she would say...
 
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