Need Help Treatment resistant depression in recovery

[Conscious-signal-447]

Gentle reader,

So I’ve been pursuing recovery for sometime now- over 4 years. In June 2022 I’ll have 3 years of continuous sobriety from my drug of choice- opiates. I try very hard to abstain from all mood/mind altering drugs but have had some slips here and there (primarily mis-using medications that are prescribed to me). One of the most challenging things I struggle with in recovery is agonizing depression. And by depression I mean “treatment resistant major depressive disorder” aka on my knees every night begging God to just let me die already. It’s a hellish way to live and at times I have virtually no quality of life.
The trouble is, I know a particular substance that works really well for my depression- opiates. Particularly morphine but really any of the full agonists will do.
I’ve tried (been prescribed) nearly every non controlled substance for depression that’s available in Canada- SSRIs, TCA’s, antipsychotics, atypicals like Wellbutrin. I have not been authorized to try ketamine or psilocybin but you better believe if I ever get the opportunity to do so I’ll be on it like a fat kid on cake. I cannot tolerate CBD or THC (full psychotic break). All of these substances have never even touched my depression even when trying them for longer than 6 weeks. I’ve had extensive talk based therapies such as DBT and CBT primarily. I’ve recently had 6 sessions of EMDR therapy. I’ve gone to well over 1000 NA and AA meetings. I’ve done the SMART recovery groups thing.
When I am totally disabled from depression I’m almost catatonic, but when it backs off a bit I really try and take care of myself diet and exercise wise. I’ve tried St Johns wort, 5HTP, SAMe (not together, all of these I tried separately). I do not sleep well- usually around 4 hours per night. My insomnia has also failed to respond to conventional treatments.
I’ve been at this for over 4 years now and I’m honestly losing hope that I’ll ever be able to live a normalish life. I frequently wonder if I would be doing less harm to myself and to the other people in my life if I was still using opiates. I was at least functional then.
Do you have any advice? Things I could try? Thoughts and opinions? Im totally open to suggestions. I know I need to try absolutely everything to live- my son is 7 and he deserves nothing less than my absolute best effort. It sounds awful but as time goes on I feel like I’m running out of strength, endurance and self control. If you’ve ever battled the longing to die you know how essential strength, endurance and self control is in order to keep going.
I have found that the total ass kicking truth about recovery is this: we didn’t abuse drugs because we were dumb people. If only it were that simple!! We abused drugs because we were desperate people that needed a fast solution in order to survive. Plain and simple. I think if more normies understood this they might be able to dreg up a bit of compassion for people who struggle with addiction.
Anywho, this has gotten to be a long post. Thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far. I would love to hear what you think about my situation.
All the best,

-E

 

[Mjäll]

Just writing this and analyzing your situation is a great start. It must take a lot of strength*. You care for your child which is great. Already doing the responsible things.

I think what you need is support and i try to give my support with this. Sorry i don't have more concrete advice. Good luck and take care.

*If you are like me, you may feel that analyzing and criticizing oneself is really easy. Sometimes maybe we should remind ourselves that this constant rumination process although effortless carries a great strength. I hope i got that across right.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

for me aerobic exercise is more effective than any SSRI or AP for general or severe depression

Running helps, a lot... more than I can describe. More than any psychiatry drug. Physical benefits are obvious but the neurological benefits are often understated.

It can be difficult to start but it's worth it. I run 10-15 miles per week, that's about 3 hours per week for me. Even if your schedule is full, 30-40min every other day should be obtainable.

The mental and physical benefits of aerobic exercise cannot be ignored or understated. Most people don't do it. Most people should...

and if you're anything like me, you get addicted... I'm addicted to running... the rush of adrenaline and endorphins I'm hooked on it's like drugs to me...

It sounds like you are well into recovery and well versed. I wish there was some magic answer we could give you.

 

[Conscious-signal-447]

Just writing this and analyzing your situation is a great start. It must take a lot of strength*. You care for your child which is great. Already doing the responsible things.

I think what you need is support and i try to give my support with this. Sorry i don't have more concrete advice. Good luck and take care.

*If you are like me, you may feel that analyzing and criticizing oneself is really easy. Sometimes maybe we should remind ourselves that this constant rumination process although effortless carries a great strength. I hope i got that across right.

Thank you. I really appreciate the support…hope to offer the same to you as well

 

[Conscious-signal-447]

for me aerobic exercise is more effective than any SSRI or AP for general or severe depression

Running helps, a lot... more than I can describe. More than any psychiatry drug. Physical benefits are obvious but the neurological benefits are often understated.

It can be difficult to start but it's worth it. I run 10-15 miles per week, that's about 3 hours per week for me. Even if your schedule is full, 30-40min every other day should be obtainable.

The mental and physical benefits of aerobic exercise cannot be ignored or understated. Most people don't do it. Most people should...

and if you're anything like me, you get addicted... I'm addicted to running... the rush of adrenaline and endorphins I'm hooked on it's like drugs to me...

It sounds like you are well into recovery and well versed. I wish there was some magic answer we could give you.

I’ve never been a runner…but at this point I’m just about desperate enough to try anything. Would you say that running is different than walking in terms of helping you? When you started running how did you start? Just throw on some running shoes and go or? TIA!

 

[Snafu in the Void]

Would you say that running is different than walking in terms of helping you?

absolutely

there is something about pushing your body, raising your heart rate to the red zone and keeping it there (without drugs like meth...)

it releases all sorts of endogenous feel goods

It's no coincidence I became addicted to running but also love heroin and meth....

yes, just get some decent shoes and start running

again, that first mile always sucks, takes efforts... but after that it's like a drug

runner's high is no joke

 

[Jabberwocky]

firstly, well done for sticking with it in these incredibly difficult circumstances.

has it been like this the whole time in recovery? and if not, what factors do you think come to play when things are better?

definitely echo @Negentropic re running, or just doing something that pushes your body. it gives you a great sense of achievement plus endorphins don't hurt. anything that gets you outside in daylight hours will also give your mood a boost.

is there anything you find fun right now? how is your social life? what is your diet like? sorry to bombard you with questions and if its intrusive feel free not to answer. i'm not a professional and no one here is, but there's a lot of wisdom on these boards (and some bullshit, its the internet after all), so i'm just asking so people can have a better chance of giving ideas that hit the mark.

how did you get on with the EMDR? it was pretty life changing for me but i had it for pretty textbook cPTSD, not depression.

I have found that the total ass kicking truth about recovery is this: we didn’t abuse drugs because we were dumb people. If only it were that simple!! We abused drugs because we were desperate people that needed a fast solution in order to survive.

qft