# RIP knock



## swampdragon

I've just had this message on Facebook from a relative of his and am lost for words.. I really can't believe I'm starting this thread.

"FRIENDS OF MICHAEL. I am incredibly saddened to have to inform you of Michael's death. We want to contact and inform people of this, as well as give them an opportunity to attend the funeral. There is not currently a date set and the circumstances surrounding his death are currently unknown. If you would like to contact his family then you can reply to this message, or contact us on xxxxx. I am sorry to have to give you this terrible news like this. If you respond to this message I will let you know about funeral arrangements."



*mod edit*

A donation page has been set up to the Multiple Sclerosis Society in Michael's memory (thanks Kronos):
https://www.justgiving.com/MrMichael


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## Si Dread

NO! NO NO NO!

Oh fuuuuuuck!


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## Albion

I got the message too.


I really don't know what to say.


I think I need to step down as moderator and leave EADD, I can't deal with this.


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## Vertigo100

Jesus Christ no  RIP Knock


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## SilentRoller

Absolutely devastating news  R.I.P Knock


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## ColtDan

Shocking, dunno what to say


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## Allein

NO...I was going to drop him a PM, I know he found my efforts at empathy a little patronizing but he was always a gent about it and I now he cared so much about others but I was aware he put a brave face on the problems he faced.

I'm just lost for words,I had always thought we would get know each other better, we shared a fair bit in terms of IT knowledge and often spared on the subject.

I should have reached out and tried to be more of a friend when there was still time, a lesson I will try ot to forget.

I hope his passing was peaceful, he is now returned to the place his spirit rose .

Rest in peace Micheal


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## bogman

NO NO NO NO NO NO 

RIP Micheal


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## th3 s1aught3r

RIP Knock


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## hexagram

fuck.

seriously? Jesus. I'm hoping there's been a mistake. Fuck. We didn't have a lot of contact but he helped me out and was supportive when I needed it. Such a good poster. This really is terrible.


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## Swarm

Seriously

No fucking way man

I don't when's the last time i actually am crying right now.


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## masaz

Don't even have the words. Fucking hell. Crying like a baby. I only sent him a PM the other day and aw for fuck sake. This is the hardest anything's hit me in a long time.

So so sorry to all his friends and family.


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## Swarm

I'm totally fucked. It hurts so bad and i know there's nothing to make it go away. I literally broke down like 5 times in a row. My bro and my mate were like "should we leanve you?" What can you say to that. I don't know. This hurts too much.


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## Mr.Scagnattie

Jesus. Very sorry to hear about this. It's so sudden.. Damn.


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## One Thousand Words

This is really sad. 
_
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal._


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## Maya

I cant believe this is true RIP Knock


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## StoneHappyMonday

RIP knock. Devastated.


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## Mr.Scagnattie

^^

Fucked up indeed.


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## Si Dread

Yeah, someone will do it.

We knocked heads a few times, not too happy about it now. I felt we resolved our issues, though, I hope he did too.


RiP Knock


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## mydrugbuddy

I cant believe this or even begin to take it in. I am in a state of shock.


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## Marmalade

StoneHappyMonday said:


> RIP knock. Devastated.


 lost for words.


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## Si Dread

This is going to rock EADD. You're not alone.


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## BlindHelperMonkey

ah, knock..  man


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## Swarm

StoneHappyMonday said:


> RIP knock. Devastated.



Just read that quote. Its fucking killing me. I thought he stopped being a mod because he wanted to look for work or something. I've missed practically the whole last two weeks cos of studying and stuff so now i feel even worse cos i didn't know what was going on. The last thing we talked he was on his way to pick up some stuff from ASDA. I thought the mod demotin thing was a joke. i know you can get down when you gotta go to the job centre and stuff, and that you can get down when you do a job better than any fucking other person around and it get thrown back in your face. Sorry i'm in jabber mode now where i'm hurting so much. I'm gonna smoke a fucking cigarette, and take a long look at up at the sky facing north over scotland.


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## BlueHues

Terrible, shocking news....again

RIP


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## Swarm

mydrugbuddy said:


> I cant believe this or even begin to take it in. I am in a state of shock.



i don't know what to do. I got this physical numbness right from my head down throug my whole body. i want a drug to make things alright but i know there's nothing i can take that's gonna make a difference. Plus i wanna feel all the shitines to its maximum because of how bad everthing is now.


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## Pagey

jesus christ michael   

lost for words


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## Mr.Scagnattie

I feel for his loved ones, and this site as a whole because it lost a great member. Too many BL'ers are dying.


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## hexagram

I remember when I was in a bad way, and I made a few threads about it asking for advice. Really, my problems were miniscule in comparison to what a lot of people go through. But Knock was understanding, empathetic and caring the whole time. It actually meant a lot, and helped a lot. 

He seemed to genuinely love and care about everyone on EADD. I've not been here as long as most, but EADD actually means a lot to me, and he was a huge part of it that will never be replaced. R. I. P.


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## mydrugbuddy

Swarm said:


> i don't know what to do.



I had a feeling things werent right a few days ago, was going to PM him to see if he was allright, but i didnt get round to it. I cant bring myself to post RIP Michael because that is so final, and i cannot accept it.


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## Swarm

Me neither. I been sat in the same spot now with a unsmoked fag i rolled half an hour ago. I just been staring into space.


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## swampdragon

You're not alone.. I'm still hoping there's been some sort of mistake. Horrible.


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## ColtDan

appreciate and never take for granted, life is fragile

RIP


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## monstanoodle

.... No.... My brain won't believe this 
Sat here jaw dropped in tears panic attack on the way.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck 
Oh jeez Knock ....

...I...


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## jackie jones

Oh, wow.


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## Uncle Robert

Stunned.


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## curious_24

Absolutely stunned.  A massive part of Bluelighter has died today.  RIP Knock.


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## mydrugbuddy

The best part, he was the best member here. R.I.P. Knock.


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## wcote

Awful news.

Very very sad.

My thoughts go out to all that knew him well.

Rest In Peace Knock.

Gone but never forgotten.


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## BecomingJulie

Shit, no.  Not Knock, please.  

Barely five minutes ago, I was responding to a P.M.  I hadn't seen the front page.  I didn't know anything about this.

Oh, shit.  Please, no.  Hope it was painless.


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## bummer

R.i.p


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## ColtDan

For Knock

Brian Eno - An Ending (Ascent)


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## monstanoodle

ColtDan said:


> For Knock
> 
> Brian Eno - An Ending (Ascent)




Thankyou Dan


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## Swarm

yeah very beautiful and fitting.


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## RLP

Didn't know Michael as well as I'd have liked to. We only really spoke briefly but genuinely thought the man was indestructible. Took a lot of shit on his shoulders but never complained - always a gent, a true servant to EADD.


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## Josh

Same here, we'd only chatted a couple of times, about Linux stuff and me being mod on here, but he really made EADD the last few years. 

Another one who will be greatly missed. RIP Michael 

Take care of yourselves guys


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## Sprout

Fuck. R.I.P. man.


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## wcote

ColtDan said:


> For Knock
> 
> Brian Eno - An Ending (Ascent)



That was played at a funeral I went to.

That brought back a lot of emotion.  Could only play 2 minutes, was crying too much.


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## Inflorescence

Really so so awful. I really can' believe it. I didn't know him well but had exchanged a few pms and we had a laugh over some silly random shit after the de-mod. 

Intelligent, bright funny people ..just why...rest easy now wherever you are


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## monstanoodle

wcote said:


> That was played at a funeral I went to.
> 
> That brought back a lot of emotion.  Could only play 2 minutes, was crying too much.


Ditto - My Dad played it at the end of my Nan's.... I always tear up when I play it.

I raise my glass to toast you Knock


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## Ismene

Very sad news. Talked to knock a little about his explorations with al-lad and really liked him.


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## stoopidlies

I didn't know knock, I won't pretend too.

This has made me sad, I didn't think a person passing away that I didn't know could. I'm sorry for all of you that could call him a friend. I'm sorry for all of his family.  And I'm sorry for EADD, you only know what you had once its gone.


shine on you crazy diamond.


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## Allein

I still can't take it in after 2 xanax an a bit of speed, i havent felt this way about a members death ever as far as I recall, This time I really do think I could have done more.

I hope things has not gotten so bad he chose to end his journey early, he knew that I've had strong compulsions to do this myself, IMHO it's almost impossible to get people out of that state of mind without specialist treatment or even drugs for a period. I make a bit of a point of never simply telling people not to do, IME that is pointless, I rather discuss with them about why they feel that way, for me is was the absence of any other option, once I could see another way I took that for a while at least.

I regret not having tried to be a friend to him and hope he did not passing feeling alone.

Sorry for the tl:dr I am very much saddened by the passing of a truly great human being


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## neversickanymore

I had seen birth and death but had thought they were different.
T. S. Eliot

knock


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## wcote

Go easy on the drugs folks.

I know it is tempting to use them to help with your grief, but its natural to feel such strong grief.  You have to deal with it at some point.

Easier said than done.


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## Uncle Robert

Hadn't seen it myself, dang that sucks to read 

He really was a top man, very genuine.


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## Shambles

Of all the news to make a belated return to... fuck. Found out halfway through making my first foray into the modthread... one minute I was all fiesty and fired up for arguing the toss over his demodding then... three lil words and everything changed. Am genuinely lost for words. And deeply, deeply saddened at the passing of somebody I have long considered a friend 

And this horrible news comes at such a strange time for me I am so confused and unsure of quite what to say so will, for now, simply quote my immediate reaction from the modthread. I can but hope he will appreciate the irony...



			
				Me said:
			
		

> And Knock? I know you are there - suspect that came as a bit of a surprise to you too, huh? :D - but I know... and can but hope you're reeling in all the right ways cos is a doozy, huh?
> 
> Enjoy your newfound 8-D Wonderland, and - if at all possible - I hope to catch you somewhere along the way cos believe me I could do with somebody who'll be equally as baffled by the _Whole_ Shebang but with perhaps that wee bit of understanding and comprehension that I still have a very long way to achieving. I truly don't know how these things work so don't know if you can see this specifically... but I kinda know you can. Who knew? About... well... y'know... Hope you can maybe be one of those lights amongst the shadows for me, Michael. But on a basic, simplistic, 4-D (at best) bogstandard view of it al, between times, you will be truly missed



Don't expect explanations, the above is a statement of fact, not discussion.

Michael


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## laugh

very sorry to hear this!

rest in peace, mate.


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## Swarm

I took a couple of hours out just now to talk with a friend but this just hurts so bad. Even though I've only been around for a couple of years i felt I was growing closer to knock every day, especially over the last six months after i took a well needed break from drugs and began to interact with others in a much more positive way. I genuinely felt like 20 years from now ne and knock would be real strong freinds, still talking shit, still reading each other minds and probably still putting a few too many chems in our bodies than would be good for us.

I'm totally fucked. I'm a bit of man's man, inspite of being the biggest softy going at the same time, but i balled my fuckin eyes out for 30 mins straight when i read the news. I'm welling up now, and not being funny, but i just don't cry. its not something i do. This is gonna take so long for me to get over. I fuckin loved that guy to death man. Like I said earlier, I'm just glad i am off the bottle these days as god knows what i might have ended up doing tonght after i got the news had i then drowned my sorrows with a couple of bottles of vodka. I'm done, i can't do this anymore tonight.


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## Vertigo100

I'd also like to chip into a fund for some flowers or something.


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## Help?!?!

See you later! Hope your soaring at new heights. I'll now be forever saddened we didn't get to know each other better.


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## Marmalade

Swarm said:


> I saw the post before it was censored and i'm as angry and embittered by this whole mess as anyone.
> 
> I took a couple of hours out just now to talk with a friend but this just hurts so bad. Even though I've only been around for a couple of years i felt I was growing closer to knock every day, especially over the last six months after i took a well needed break from drugs and began to interact with others in a much more positive way. I genuinely felt like 20 years from now ne and knock would be real strong freinds, still talking shit, still reading each other minds and probably still putting a few too many chems in our bodies than would be good for us.
> 
> I'm totally fucked. I'm a bit of man's man, inspite of being the biggest softy going at the same time, but i balled my fuckin eyes out for 30 mins straight when i read the news. I'm welling up now, and not being funny, but i just don't cry. its not something i do. This is gonna take so long for me to get over. I fuckin loved that guy to death man. Like I said earlier, I'm just glad i am off the bottle these days as god knows what i might have ended up doing tonght after i got the news had i then drowned my sorrows with a couple of bottles of vodka. I'm done, i can't do this anymore tonight.



i think you two were the only ones who could keep up to speed with each other in all those tl;dr discussions you always had on the board.  Always used to wonder how you managed to get it all down in actual writing. Makes for great reading when lurking


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## Swarm

Marmalade said:


> i think you two were the only ones who could keep up to speed with each other in all those tl;dr discussions you always had on the board.  Always used to wonder how you managed to get it all down in actual writing. Makes for great reading when lurking



Thanks so much for that comment. i was wandering whether i had partly hallucinated the strength of the bond between knock and i that i felt was sure to fully  prove its strength over the years that i thought were to come. Thanks again. That means a lot.


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## Marmalade

Uncle Robert said:


> That's a fairly disgraceful post from yourself alasdair. I know who knock would rather have be a part of this thread, and it certainly isn't the person having a go at his grieving friend.


knock was a classy professional at wording things, and a total gent when doing what he felt was the right thing to do, and it doesn't surprise me at all he ended things with that amount of decorum, goodwill, generosity and sweetness. Not at all.

With his friends he was much more open about how he was really feeling at the time, and how he felt about the process.


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## alasdairm

he was my friend too and i'm grieving his death.

alasdair


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## Raasyvibe

I'm in disbelief. Devastated.

I don't really take drugs any more and often wonder why I even post here... But it's the people who come out with such brilliant posts, imbued with compassion, care, intelligence and personality, that give me re-assurance that I'm not wasting my time...and so many of those posts have come from Knock. He was a favourite poster of mine who provided many laughs and yet demonstrated very sharp intelligence, insightfulness and care for the welfare of others. A genuine, kind-hearted, sensitive person. Forever has my respect.

He gave so much energy and positivity to this forum. It will never be the same again.

He was always a great helper to those who came here in need, I just wish he gave others here the chance to help him this time.


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## Ziiirp

Noo, that came really unexpected.  I did not know him well, we just had a bit of nerdy smalltalk in the linux thread. I think he was a bright and humorous man. My condolence to his family and friends.

If you want to play the blame-game, then blame the fucked up society, in that progressive (in a really unprogressive manner, because no loving being gives a fuck about progress) people like Knock fall through the raster, because they lack the most important human volition : "Kill your neighbor to satisfy your greed".  Or better : Blame the prohibition of proper research and education. If that is too simple for you, blame the existence of man-made chemicals. The LD50s are largely unknown. RCs are getting more dangerous. I do not want to count the documented losses in EADD over the last 2 years... we have to wake up and moderate our intake.


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## modelskinny

Wow. Incredibly sad news. I hope his passing was painless. I can't even imagine the level of despair for those who were close to him. I didn't know him for long, but my heart is heavy nonetheless.

Rest easy, my friend. May you dance among the stars.


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## parttime crackhead

Fuck sake.


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## Just A Guy

God bless you, Knock.


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## F.U.B.A.R.

Extremely bad news for us all! He seemed like a truly great bloke and will definitely be sorely missed by many on this site. I too hope it had nothing to do with what had been going on behind the scenes here recently (whatever that may have been), but I guess this is not the time or place for speculation, blame and knee-jerk reactions. Deepest sympathies to his friends and family... R.I.P. Man


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## ad lib

Fuck..


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## ScotchMist

Can't believe this


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## *dharmabum*

Like everyone else I really cannot believe this.

knock, you were an incredibly special person, who did so much for this place and everyone here. Rest in Peace.


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## Bearlove

FFS - gutted by this news .     A sad day for us all indeed -  RIP Knock mate, my utmost respect to his friends and family. 

Bear


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## Eveleivibe

No this can't be true not knock. 
Why knock for fuck sake?
He took time out to talk to me n explain things. He was the best moderator on bluelight. 
He was so funny 
He was getting on jsa n sorting his life out 
God no nnot knock why knock 

Edit: if only in my last pm id told him how ace he was instead of whinging. Trying to stop sobbing here n act normal. 

God this is terrible 
Knock was so ace, caring, funny, took time to explain things. Why is it always the good ones who die?


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## maxalfie

I can't believe I am reading this thread, I am totally shocked. 
In my time here in EADD Knock has been the best mod we could have hoped for. 
He was such an intelligent bloke and he would always take time out for people. I did not expect to see this when I logged on this morning. 
It's no coincidence that EADD has been so quiet since Knock lost his mod position. 
A huge loss to us all and to his friends and family.
R.I.P Knock


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## ageingpartyfiend

Brilliant mod, only spoke with him a few times but could tell thge guy was super genuine, very bright and extremely compassionate.

RIP man


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## mydrugbuddy

He allways supported and helped out those who needed it in the most effective and sensitive of ways. He had great judgement and a great take on the world. It doesnt feel right posting on here now that he's gone. It's still not really sinking in, I dont seem to be able to let it.


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## Mela

woah!


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## maxalfie

Farmaz/Bodda wishes to say RIP Knock.


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## brimz

*Not mike !!!!!!!!!!!!!*

You were one of my favourites Michael , posts always brought smile to my face .

Wise , Caring , with a dodgy dress sense 

Step Lightly mate

brimz x


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## brimz

I got the news via BCF who also wishes to pass on maximum respect n Luv .

I gather he was banned for a while .


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## gannetsarewe

RIP
Reading this thread put me mind of Heaney.so ...

I sat all morning in the college sick bay Counting bells knelling classes to a close. At two o'clock our neighbours drove me home.

In the porch I met my father crying -He had always taken funerals in his stride -And Big Jim Evans saying it was a hard blow.

The baby cooed and laughed and rocked the pram When I came in, and I was embarrassed By old men standing up to shake my hand

And tell me they were 'sorry for my trouble' Whispers informed strangers that I was the eldest, Away at school, as my mother held my hand

In hers and coughed out angry tearless sighs. At ten o'clock the ambulance arrived With the corpse, stanched and bandaged by the nurses.

Next morning I went up into the room. Snowdrops And candles soothed the bedside. I saw him For the first time in six weeks. Paler now,

Wearing a poppy bruise on his left temple. He lay in a four foot box, as in his cot. No gaudy scars, the bumper knocked him clear.

A four foot box, a foot for every year.


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## Si Dread

Brimz dude, you ARE capable of coherent posts! Bless ya mate.

Poor Knock


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## Bearlove

maxalfie said:


> Farmaz/Bodda wishes to say RIP Knock.



Send Bodda my love and tell him to  check his inbox !


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## brimz

Si Ingwe said:


> Brimz dude, you ARE capable of coherent posts! Bless ya mate.
> 
> Poor Knock



sI  i am one of the best on here at posting Mike was better though


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## RLP

Does anyone know if Knock supported any specific charities?


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## Vurtual

RIP knock.  Terrible news.  I got a lot from his posts - always intelligent, fair and compassionate.  You will be missed.


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## Bearlove

RLP said:


> Does anyone know if Knock supported any specific charities?



I just asked this via PM to one of his close friends - If there is going to be a whip around for some flowers or towards a donation of a charity he supported please keep me in the loop.


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## breakcorefiend

brimz said:


> I got the news via BCF who also wishes to pass on maximum respect n Luv .
> 
> I gather he was banned for a while .



Cheers Brimz

Can't actually believe he was demodded let alone gone, EADD has lost a very special member.

RIP M


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## Treacle

I don't even know what to say. Knock was always one of the voices of reason, a reason to come back here and have a read. It's already been said, but he was incredibly intelligent, and genuinely gave a shit about the place and its members. I'm really sad to see him go, and I think EADD has lost a top member. RIP, Michael. You shall be missed.


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## dan88

This is so sad, such an intelligent caring guy  RIP Knock


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## Eveleivibe

Bearlove said:


> I just asked this via PM to one of his close friends - If there is going to be a whip around for some flowers or towards a donation of a charity he supported please keep me in the loop.



Yes I'd like to donate too if there is anything to be set up xxxx


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## masaz

Can't think of any charity he supported. Any suggestions or perhaps just a general drugs/mental health charity and a justgiving page. If one of his closer friends wants to suggest something would be great.


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## yoyo50

Sad news indeed, RIP Knock.


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## mydrugbuddy

Yes I'd like to make a donation / contribution too. A big wreath of flowers from the EADD crew would be a nice gesture. And how about the mental health charity MIND ?


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## Swarm

Is BL not a charity?


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## Safrolette

Words fail me, awful news. I didn't know him personally but I always got such a great vibe off him on Bluelight, his lovely personality, intelligence and wit would come across with such a powerful energy.
My heart goes to his family and friends, rest in peace Michael


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## Swarm

I'm still completely fucked. woke up this morning with tears running down my face all over again. I still can't believe I'm never gonna see him again. Every time I think it's starting to sink in I break down all over again. 

As for donations, maybe a whip around to help with funeral costs might be an idea. I still would love to make the funeral but don't know how well this would go down with knocks family members etc..


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## swampdragon

Just to say that I've asked about funeral arrangements and flowers but not heard back yet.


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## Swarm

thanks swampdragon x


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## spacejunk

I don't know what to say.
I'm sitting here in tears. In shock.

Bluelight, you've been really quite upsetting lately - but this is awful beyond comprehension.

Fuck this cruel, horrible world.

Knock, you were one of the finest, fairest, funniest moderators.
From our interactions I could see you were a top fellow.

I'm shocked and devesated to hear this news.

To his friends and family, and all the great folks of the extended EADD family; my heart goes out to you.

I'm going to sit here and shed a few more silent tears reading what others have had to say.

Absolutely one of our community's finest.
A void that cannot be filled.  
RIP my friend.


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## Marmalade

snolly said:


> Can't think of any charity he supported. Any suggestions or perhaps just a general drugs/mental health charity and a justgiving page. If one of his closer friends wants to suggest something would be great.


I recon towards an MS Charity of some sort or to BL

but right now, I'd personally go for the MS charity. Oh, and knock would also want a bit of the collection set aside to buy Shammy some drugs, cos he was beautiful and awesome like that 

Fuck me I'm gonna miss him. We swapped parcels once, and I have a bath matt with blood stained feet on it thanks to him (to match the shower curtain I already had). As well, he sent me the poshes pair of pizza scissors (which I never even knew existed as a product) that actually make it much harder to slice pizza than I'd imagine it would be to use a spoon. :D  

fuck. more tears


*NSFW*: 
















[edit]



mydrugbuddy said:


> Yes I'd like to make a donation / contribution too. A big wreath of flowers from the EADD crew would be a nice gesture. And how about the mental health charity MIND ?



Good idea for a charity as well, didn't see your post before I posted mine


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## masaz

MS charity sounds like a good idea, if someone knows how to set this kinda shit up I'd throw some money in. 

Also pizza scissors lmao, though I often cut pizza with scissors, that's just me :D


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## Mental Kenny

Uncle Robert said:


> Stunned.
> 
> Really hoping it had nothing to do with the recent events here...



Me too, I was about to say thank you Alaisdair, but then I refrained myself.


Knock, was probably one of the earliest poster in here that seemed okay after I joined, a huge loss, don't know know what to say really, in most cases when one of us EADDers dies I feel sad, in this case I'm full of rage as I have a feeling the recent events and the yank filth that manage the site might have something to do it, indirectly of course.

R.I.P. Knock

You will be very much missed, a great guy

By the way from FB:

"Farmaz says R.I.P."

We know he can't post on here directly


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## Marmalade

They were more like pizza safety scissors I think ... 

Normally families have a charity in mind and specify if you want to donate go to x y z ... so whomever is in touch with his family could get that info ... or just go with the majority consensus here, it's not mandatory for the family to choose, but most go for ones they relate to based on personaI experiences with illnesses n what not I guess


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## smokemctoke420

What said fucking news. I never talked to knock except the other day telling him how awesome he was by putting up the full site link so i dont have to use mobile anymore. thats the only time i spoke to him but he came off as a cool guy. sad shit.

I get paid on tuesday and i wanna donate for his flowers and all that but can i donate through a visa card from the US? If that can be setup then ill donate.

You guys need to be careful. IDK whats going on over there but sadly you guys are falling off like flys dying. Its sad. Idk if this comment is appropriate and if it isnt i guess a mod can edit it out.

RIP Knock.


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## masaz

Marmalade said:


> They were more like pizza safety scissors I think ...



First smile of the day :D

Yeah, let us know the consensus and whoever is in charge can set it up. I have my bursary coming in soon so will donate to whichever is chosen.


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## RLP

I would support an MS charity (perhaps MS Society) unless the family have a specific charity in mind which they communicate. It feels more suitable to me for Knock than MIND, but appreciate others may think differently.


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## headfuck123

Im shocked and speechless like everyone else! sad news indeed


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## smokemctoke420

Can it be sent my credit card from the US? IDK how that works


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## researcher9

Absolutely tragic.

Knock was one of the best moderators on this site. He seemed a genuinely good man too.

The rest of you please be careful - death comes with the drug choices many here make - don't deceive yourselves.

Peace.


----------



## Ben So Furry

This is about the third time I've tried to post in this thread but the words keep failing me.

I'm absolutely devastated by this. I loved Knock and the chit-chat we had on the board and in PM. 

I'll miss you. Friend. 

Much love to his family and friends.

I can't believe the amount of members we have lost in the last 12 - 18 months. I've never been a part of anything quite like this. Are the drugs worth it?

Rest In Peace Micheal.


----------



## RLP

Ben So Furry said:


> This is about the third time I've tried to post in this thread but the words keep failing me.
> 
> I'm absolutely devastated by this. I loved Knock and the chit-chat we had on the board and in PM.
> 
> I'll miss you. Friend.
> 
> Much love to his family and friends.
> 
> I can't believe the amount of members we have lost in the last 12 - 18 months. I've never been a part of anything quite like this. Are the drugs worth it?
> 
> Rest In Peace Micheal.



From a harm reduction POV, recent losses have seriously questioned the worth of drugs and this sub-forum to me. 

Knock may have been against my opinion to highlight posts which condoned dangerous drug use but he was open to discussion and change. Key for me, he knew this forum wasn't operating as it should. Something needs to change. EADD can't take any more losses, and that's assuming the posters here will continue to be active members of the community on the back of this news. I'm not confident a majority will.


----------



## swampdragon

I can see why some people might be reluctant to continue being members of the community, but what's the alternative? Not knowing awesome people like knock at all? I feel honoured to have known him, albeit far too briefly.


----------



## RLP

Mmm. It's just tough I guess.

Also, I think I posted my previous comment in the wrong thread. Mods - can you move it to gibberings please (as well as Swampdragon's reply and this post). Don't feel comfortable discussing politics in knocks RIP thread.


----------



## StoneHappyMonday

The last PM I wrote to knock on wednesday. I meant every word.



> Originally Posted by StoneHappyMonday
> hey man
> 
> You are better off without them. They (and EADD) are worse off without you. No sycophancy here, just straight talking. When you became a mod I think I detected doubt in even yourself but you grew into the role really quickly and made a mark on the forum. And I don't mean a shit-stained mark. You put tons of work in. I've been here nearly 13 years now and when I see some of the people with BL crew under their name...well, it's an insult to you to be grouped with some of these people.
> 
> Needless to say I don't disagree with anything you say about the direction things are headed......
> 
> While you carried on doing a brilliant job in EADD you gave enough clues from time to time to suggest that what has happened was always coming, that you and admin were far apart from being a perfect fit. So perhaps no surprise. You've run into the same problems I always feared I would have myself if I became a mod - *while doing a massively better job technically than I could ever do.*
> 
> *I salute you Michael. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You can be proud of what you achieved here.*
> 
> All the best friend,



And knock replied



> Thanks, I felt that


----------



## Swarm

Don't go thinking it was a drugs mishaps thingy for a minute any of you. Knock knew would what he was doing on that front trust me.

Can I make a formal request that SHM have his posting privileges reinstated.  Some of us here, ie me, am also in need of a bit of help and support to get them through this and need the ability to pm other BL members for support

p.s No need, i can see that SHM is now back in the system.


----------



## Si Dread

StoneHappyMonday said:


> And knock replied



words cannot express how sorry I am about this Stone 

I've been meaning to mail ya but I just don't know what to say


----------



## ColtDan

swampdragon said:


> I can see why some people might be reluctant to continue being members of the community, but what's the alternative? Not knowing awesome people like knock at all? I feel honoured to have known him, albeit far too briefly.



This


----------



## Swarm

Nice one Stoney  

p.s not sure what the emoticon in the title bar is for but atleast i finally managed to insert one in an appropriate place in the text. Luddite or what.


----------



## 5StarSquatHotel

All the best ones go early, Rip Knock. Prayers for anyone struggling right now, hang tight x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rcm5ffwNU-4


----------



## StoneHappyMonday

I'm sorry but I have lots of memories and tributes.

Anyone who gets in an internet argument can vouch for the intransigence it mostly builds in positions already taken. I have seen very few internet debates where someone changes their minds.

I was not party to it but I come back to EADD in the morning once and read over gibberings. Knock had been arguing/putting forward ideal scenarios for a socially structured economy. Pretty dry stuff. And his audience was the care-free hippy PTCH. I've seen crackhead be a bit laddish and sceptical of things in the past. Nice lad I thought, but I'd be buggered if I was going to waste time trying to change his views.

Knock did it in an evening. Truly astounding. He could reason his politics in a way that gripped and interested. Yet another of the many things I was quite envious of knock at having a better ability than myself.

One more thing. Knock and I clashed back in 2009 about a silly misunderstanding. He recently told me he put me on ignore for 6 months following that. Then even more recently he added an unrestricted apology and told me I was one of his favourite posters on the forum. Trust me knock, this was reciprocated.

Scarily honest, brilliantly funny and my favourite fellow champagne communist/anarchist depending on who needed winding up that day.

One Love 

Geoff


----------



## Swarm

swampdragon said:


> I can see why some people might be reluctant to continue being members of the community, but what's the alternative? Not knowing awesome people like knock at all? I feel honoured to have known him, albeit far too briefly.



I'm sure this will pass. This is a solid community, atleast within certain domains ie straight up posting from one BL'er to another.

A sad fact about my own life is that i have had three suicide attempts myself.  Proper ones where you wake up in intensive care all hooked up to computers. It's only by chance that i'm still here right now. I'm proud to say that its been 5 years since my last attempt or serious thought. But I been down that dark twisted spiral enough times myself. You begin to realise that you are going to take your own life and there is nothing that you can do to stop it. I call it the spiral. I don't know any facts for certain but Knock knew his shit when it came to drugs. There's no way he fucked up a measurement, or just decided to do a dufus move and mix this and that and see what happens. No, I think Knock found himself in that spiral. I just wish there was some way i could have physically marched my skint ass up to scotland and kept that sorry bastard from physically doing anything to harm himself. Sorry if any of this seems out of touch but i'm a fucking mess right now so if i messed up in some way then please go fuck yourself.


----------



## HouseFever

Rip


----------



## ColtDan

Thats what i was thinking, he knew his stuff. and i know exactly what you mean about the spiral, been through some very dark times myself. glad your still with us swarm


----------



## Mental Kenny

Again R.I.P. Knock.

I went out for a fag and looking outside at the landscape made me think, and it suddently sank in. Yet another great one gone.

I don't want to sound cheesy, but seriously I have tears in my eyes. Fuck

This is one of the biggest losses the community has ever had, I'm relatively a noob here so never got a chance to meet Evad and the other forum legends of the earlier days, but Mugz and now Knock, fucking hell, those guys had been a staple for as long as I have been a member here.

Hope they allow plugging in heaven, seriously.

By the way there was an ongoing chat among other EADDers on FB who were all discussing perhaps moving elsewhere or at least creating another forum, at the end of the day, if the douchebaggery of the american Admins is only an occasional annoyance I guess it's okay, but when it leads to some of our most respected members dying, then perhaps a drastic change is needed.


----------



## hexagram

no matter what happened or who did what.

no one wanted this to happen.


----------



## ScotchMist

Knock was one of the members of this place that enticed me to join. His posts spoke volumes, louder than most.

Id Of loved to gotten to know him better.

Having not said it to him, ill say it here, he had the kind of personality id like to see in myself, I looked up to Knock. Id hoped to get to know him and learn a little from him. I'll never be a half of Knock, I would of loved just little of him to rub off on me.. 

Im gutted, I was gutted to hear that he was no longer modding but this.... 

Sad....


----------



## HouseFever

I really cant see another rip thread. At first i think it must be a set up or mistake. Its too upsetting. This place felt great when Knock was Mod. So fair and pleasant.


----------



## Eveleivibe

I wish I'd thanked him for all the help he gave me n somehow tried to help him in some way. Instead I moaned about a load of trivial shit. 

So very sorry, Knock. 

Hope you are happy up there n know you all love n appreciate you very much.


----------



## Nicklazz

Me & a mate was checkin BL yesterday night to a party was no one of us was logged in, and we saw this thread. BANG.. My mood did go down quite a bit. And it is even worse today, man knock.. I didn't know you outside of BL, but you are one of them that have tried helped me the most with my PV nightmare/etc. Thank you for that man, u where a lovely man.

R.I.P


----------



## mydrugbuddy

He has helped so many people in their hours of need, he did it all quitely and privately.


----------



## Swarm

mydrugbuddy said:


> He has helped so many people in their hours of need, he did it all quitely and privately.



We lost a real gem.


----------



## been head

It's rare for me to post in these RIP threads, mainly because, as bad as it sounds, I'm not normally massively effected by them(I hope that's not taken the wrong way by anyone). I didn't personally know Knock any more than any one else that has passed away here for some reason though reading of his death has really hit hard. I genuinely feel very low because of it. I don't really know what to say tbh but felt like I had to say something. 

I didn't know you but it was obvious that you were a genuinely decent bloke, I hope you are comfortable where ever you are now.


----------



## koneko

No 

Please make this not true, come back. 

Every one who passes from here, makes me hate and resent this place more and more. My trust and faith in what it stands for has gone  It was me who talked him into being a mod, me who nudged him and mailmonkey and others. I knew he'd be great, But too many take on that responsibility and it ultimately helps tip things over. I've not seen a real eadder yet who got modded up and took less drugs. There is and has been for a long time something seriously wrong, here in eadd and elsewhere in BL. 

Fucking amazing guy, what a loss to his family and friends, I'm so sorry. 

You are in my thoughts


----------



## Swarm

kate said:


> Please make this not true, come back.



That's what's been circulating around my head for last 24 hrs or whatever it is. When I saw that RIP Knock Thead title it was like someone had just shot me right in the chest!


----------



## amanitadine

Oh fuck Michael.....no no no.....

Knock and I hit it off immediately....he joined right after my return from the clink, and I loved his style, approach, choice of words, and wit....and true caring and compassion.....one of the best Mods BL has ever seen. And a class human all around. He was just one of a kind..fuck me...

This is awful..truly awful. Too many leaving too early lately...I've never seen anything like it on BL and I've been here since the beginning...WTF is going on?!

Michael, you will be sorely missed, by anyone that ever crossed paths with you...here and in IRL. My thoughts go out to your family. 

This is hard to believe, and even harder to stomach....


----------



## Urbain

Awful, awful news .

Obviously the circumstances haven't been explained yet, but it really upsets me, as EADD has lately become a bragging place, full of certain posters rambling incoherently about their drug use. Almost to the point where it reads like they are proud of pinning smack and smoking crack. What a life they must have.

With Knock, this is so undeserving. He was a sincerely honest, upfront, and decent person. I'm genuinely gutted.

RIP Knock.

Urb.


----------



## Hangover

Been reading EADD for around 2 / 3 years now... always liked Knock... god he kept this place together... he devoted so much time to this place

Won't be the same without him

Rest In Peace


----------



## AcidTrippin

Sad to hear this, I haven't been active on my account since ditching the old one like a year ago or something. Especially after deaths of Mugz since I had met them personally.

Please look after yourself people, I have a lot of worry for both close friends in real life and people on these forums.  

RIP Knock, hope you are in a better place.


----------



## Eveleivibe

I've just prayed that his family gets some sort of comfort though I don't know possibly has but I pray every night n I had to include them (I'm sorry if people don't believe in God its just something I needed to do) xxxx

I just can't imagine EADD without Knock. I keep expect it to be some sick joke n see him posting (I so wish it was). 

A caring, empathic, thoughtful, consider person will has left a hole in our hearts forever. 

He took a few hours answering a PM for me once - going through posts. Explaining things n getting me to see things from others' perspective. I don't know many people, let alone mods, who would go to the trouble to help another member on BL. 

Rest happily with the angels, Knock. 
Gone but never forgotten by any of us xxxx


----------



## Bearlove

kate said:


> No
> 
> Please make this not true, come back.
> 
> Every one who passes from here, makes me hate and resent this place more and more. My trust and faith in what it stands for has gone  It was me who talked him into being a mod, me who nudged him and mailmonkey and others. I knew he'd be great, But too many take on that responsibility and it ultimately helps tip things over. I've not seen a real eadder yet who got modded up and took less drugs. There is and has been for a long time something seriously wrong, here in eadd and elsewhere in BL.
> 
> Fucking amazing guy, what a loss to his family and friends, I'm so sorry.
> 
> You are in my thoughts



Kate, You did a good thing.  He loved modding the site and in doing so helped a lot of us in return.   Knock was a great guy and pretty head strong so if he thought that modding the site was having a negative effect on his own life he would have simply stepped down (I believe this 100 percent).   

There is going to be a lot of questions, rumors, anger and hate around 'Knocks' passing - you asking him to become a mod is never going to be part of that 

Bear


----------



## Albion

Knock's final words to me 



			
				knock said:
			
		

> Thank you Pete. That is very kind of you
> 
> Yes I think you're right. I was not told that marmz thing was the reason for getting the boot. I was told it was because I "find it difficult to get on with people, especially EADD members and senior staff" and that I "show no regard for Bluelight policy". Haha! Yes it's clear that seniors just wanted rid of me and they needed a reason.
> 
> It was a bit of fun. I won't miss the BL bureaucracy much. I will miss working with you and snolly, and I was really looking forward to working with Shammy and Josh! I think you do a great job, by the way, perhaps a _teensy_ bit snippier and closier than my own approach, but just a teensy bit :D, and when you get flak for it you take it like a man, and you listen to, and care about, the members, which are the two most important things to do. So keep on keeping on! I do hope Shambles and RJ are taken on as I think the four of you will be fucking fantastic.
> 
> Cheers
> 
> Michael





I loved you knock. I still do. I miss you so much already. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to resign, but it's the only way I can get away from the pain I feel in EADD now. It's all just bickering, arguing, and all for what? Harm reduction?? EADD is not healthy, its community is toxic, and I need to get away from it all and sort my own life out which has come down around me over the last month. EADD can be fixed, and knock, you were the guy to fix it. Without you I really wouldn't know what to do, other than simply act as sponge for other peoples' embitterment and frustration. 

I can't _keep on keeping on_, and I'm really sorry knock, but I hope you understand and can forgive me for buckling   I hope I haven't let you down; I hope you can understand.

I will never forget that first PM you sent to me, when I was down in the dumps with my MXE addiction, about how I reminded you of your nephew and felt something of a maternal instinct to look after me and make sure I was alright. It was the first time anyone had expressed any form of compassion towards me and the issues I was facing at the time. You were there for me at a time when I needed you, and it has been an honor to work with you this past year because I knew I was working with the man who cared about me and understood me, sometimes I think better than I understand myself. It breaks my heart to know you've gone.


----------



## matt<3ketamine

fuck..... not knock 


RIP mate, you spoke to me in my time of need, i wish i could of re-paid the debt


----------



## Nicklazz

knock. U are in my mind.


----------



## Inflorescence




----------



## Josh

parttime crackhead said:


> You should probably post your whinging about reported posts or he said she said bullshit somewhere else.
> 
> Like in the bin.



This please. Moved a few to gibberings, will do a proper cleanup tomorrow.


----------



## trammies

I don't know what to say, this is absolutely shocking news.
Knock helped so many people in so many ways. He was a truly caring person, who would go out of his way to help anyone in their time of need.

Knock, Rest in Peace.


----------



## Bearlove

Albion said:


> I loved you knock. I still do. I miss you so much already. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to resign



So don't .

For the rest of the people posting in here,  either back off or shut up.    If its a true HR stance then post your concern but stop the bitching!


----------



## Sammy G

Terribly, terribly sad news.

He was a good guy who had his problems but had a cracking sense of humour too. A real loss. 

Don't know what to say other than that really. What a tragic forum this is.


----------



## Marmalade

PMd rather than posted


----------



## Ghostface

RIP knock. Truly enjoyed reading your posts and social - economical views of the world.

I think Marx and Adam Smith have found good company to have a debate with


----------



## Allein

I've thought about this all weekend, my tenancy to let friends drift away or just plain cut people off is something I work on but donlt have a great deal of success. I had been meaning to contact Michael, I loved his knowledge of things technical and more so his ability to disagree so completely without ever making me feel my opinion was on no value.

It was also very clear to me that he had suffered depression for quite sometime, I notes him playing it down but the indicators were there for me at least and where not getting better. I fully accept that we are all different and I may well have read into things based on my own illness, but one thihs I ca be very sure of :-

Nothing that happened aqt this site would have made him end his life, suicide ( if that is what happened just isn't that simple)

He loved this place and really put himself on the line to try and change certain aspects of the site in a way he believed wouid be for the benefit of all, he welcomed the debate and understood that such things are a vital part of change.

I doubt anyone has any blame to bear, although many carry the sadness, I've noted a few snide remarks here and there, this is an insult to Michael and maybe we should all review such grievances and consider making the first move on making them right, life is patently way too short.


----------



## ColtDan

^ this


----------



## Marmalade

I wont be posting in the thread again ... but I'll leave Michael's last words to me, because I think they're relevant,




			
				knock said:
			
		

> I think I probably need to earn an infraction, it's a badge of honour now you've got one.
> 
> Admin _wanted rid of me_. They just needed an excuse. That's all. I gave them one, they used it.
> 
> You have no reason to feel bad about anything here. None whatsoever



Miss you fucking TONS Michael .


----------



## StoneHappyMonday

^
PM in the post.


----------



## smackydowners

i dont know what to say really, but thought id post out of respect.

he was my favourite mod and a really funny, intelligent guy.

this didnt have anything to do with hid demotion, surely? but i know he wasnt into anything that could be fatal if od'd (except gbl).

eadd wont be the same....


----------



## DS_

Why do the best members die? That's what I want to know.

R.I.P Knock I didn't chat to you much but our interests were very much aligned. Drugs/Politics and Technology. Always enjoyed your posts


----------



## smackydowners

^^evad was another good guy i knew personally and was taken from us far too soon. he was also an awesome mod. rip michael and dave


----------



## Chemical Samile

RIP Knock.

He was one of the most intelligent blokes I've had the pleasure of encountering. He was not only intelligent, but he had a gift for words and could explain his thoughts in a very simple way. SHM, that example you mentioned with him explaining his political views to crackhead was the first thought that popped into my head when I was thinking about Knock, and one of the many examples that demonstrates how fucking good he was at getting his point across. He just made sense.

Big loss


----------



## Foreigner

When I first heard that knock was gone I thought, "This has to be some kind of joke?" If only.

The world has lost a solid knowledge holder and compassionate spirit. I've come across people in my life who suffer dearly for reasons that I will never understand, and sometimes I'm one of them. Even though it's tough to accept, I respect his choice to depart. The hard part is always the questions left behind, as the living can only seek resolution among each other and within themselves. I didn't know him as well as other people, but my hope is that he left behind a legacy so that his story can provide answers. 

If there is something after this life, then I hope knock is there and has finally been let in on the punch line of this cosmic joke. If he's also experiencing the peaceful rest of closure about the learning he came here to do, then so much the better. I want that for him above all else.
_
May all beings be happy,
May all beings be free from misery,
May no being be separated from their happiness,
May all beings have equanimity, free from hatred and attachment.
May all beings be blessed in all ways now._


----------



## Eveleivibe

Chemical Samile said:


> RIP Knock.
> 
> He was one of the most intelligent blokes I've had the pleasure of encountering. He was not only intelligent, but he had a gift for words and could explain his thoughts in a very simple way. SHM, that example you mentioned with him explaining his political views to crackhead was the first thought that popped into my head when I was thinking about Knock, and one of the many examples that demonstrates how fucking good he was at getting his point across. He just made sense.
> 
> Big loss



Never a truer word. 
I was ranting a few weeks back about foreigners studying here. Knock made a point "you said you had been judgemental towards addicts before do you have to study aboard to have empathy with them,". (Something like that). I was angry at the time n sent him a PM ranting over the subject saying sometime like "how can I study abroad with no money I'd have to save absolutely ages to do that?"  

His point exactly. 

He had a way of helping someone understand a point of view without be derogaratory or any way negative. 
He was unique.


----------



## Kronos

Jesus fucking christ 

R.I.P Knock, you will be missed.


----------



## Swarm

For Michael R I P 

[video=youtube_share;uRUIHfhnGYc]http://youtu.be/uRUIHfhnGYc[/video]


----------



## jackie jones

Knock was one of the people who I would always stop to read what he had to say. I am not active in eadd, but I am a frequent lurker.

I am so sorry, everyone. I know how well loved he was in this section of Bluelight. He had many friends here and I am certain that he got much joy and comfort interacting with you all. Suicide ideation is not always noticeable. Some people choose to only internalize it and when it happens, those close to the individual wonder what they could have done to prevent it. You all should know that what you accomplished was making him know that he was loved, respected, and not alone, if only here.


----------



## Shambles

Eveleivibe said:


> He had a way of helping someone understand a point of view without be derogaratory or any way negative.
> He was unique.



Most definitely. This was one of his most outstanding features for me. Truly inspirational in that regard. We would all do well to try to learn from his example.


----------



## maxalfie

I find that you too have that talent Shambles.


----------



## mydrugbuddy

yeah, i second that. Mr S helped me change my opinions and clear up my thinking about crime and punishment, i went from being hard line to more progressive and liberal thinking over a few exchanged posts. Knock had time for everybody, and would include everybody and make them feel welcome, and he had so much interesting stuff to say and to contribute. I havent really come to terms with this at all, i dont think i can. It hurts too much to think about.


----------



## Uncle Robert

Eveleivibe said:


> He had a way of helping someone understand a point of view without be derogaratory or any way negative.





maxalfie said:


> I find that you too have that talent Shambles.



Both very true.

The MS charity is a nice touch to a very sombre situation, do PM me if anyone has one in mind.


----------



## BecomingJulie

Eveleivibe said:


> [Knock] had a way of helping someone understand a point of view without be derogaratory or any way negative.
> He was unique.





Shambles said:


> Most definitely. This was one of his most outstanding features for me. Truly inspirational in that regard. We would all do well to try to learn from his example.


Thirded.  This is not at all an easy thing to get right.  I've tried to do the same thing myself, and usually end up falling into one of two traps -- either turning up the sarcasm way too high; or trying to be gentle, then descending into a rambling explanation and ultimately losing sight of the original point.

Knock had The Gift, alright.


----------



## GodSpeedK

Fuck, that's awful. 

I thought he was an awesome guy from reading his posts and made a great mod. Will be missed.


----------



## Swarm

Today was the first day when I've starting feeling slightly normal again.  Didn't stop me from  breaking down again at inopportune moments but atleast it feels like my brains started to process it now. The first 48 hours was just a horror show. All I kept gettig was that initial "Knock RIP" thread  repeating on me constantly, it was like nothing I've experienced.

For sone reason I don't feel compelled to expound on all his virtues, though I'm glad others are. For me its all about the freindship I had with him and how I felt we were growing closer by the day. I live a real solitary life these days, being stuck doing an ou degree and living with people who are even now trying to kick me out. I'm in so much debt that I can't go anywhere and see anyone. Knock was on the verge of becomingy best friend, atleast that's how I felt about him, and like to think he would have felt the same way.

I miss the banter so bad. I just wanna wake up 2mo and flick to a thread and  have him call me cunt again, but I gotta comd to terms with thd fact that's never gonna happen again.


----------



## Swarm

I feel thd same about shammy too incidently. For an analytical type like myself for some reason I don't feel like doing all that stuff now. Shambles is just a fucking legend. End of.


----------



## foolsgold

fuck me Jesus Christ i pm earlier tonight not knowing this had happened this is unbelievable r.i.p knock mate going miss you


----------



## Swarm

mate did you just find out? so sorry for what you're feeling right now. I've atleat had a couple days to let it sink in


----------



## foolsgold

yes ive been dealing with my own things i cant get my head round this fucking welling up here they guy saved my life at least twice lately this is the last thing i would of ever guessed of walking into here and reading going log off again for awhile need to get away from this place so sorry swarm ive just not got the mechanisms to cope with this tonight


----------



## The Quad

Old poster - but a long time lurker on here. Apologies if seems I am intruding here because it has been a long long time since I posted here. However I always have a catch up every few days as I do find the forum an interesting place. 

At the risk of sounding a bit strange (I'm not honest) I feel as though i have a feel for the majority of the posters here and their character traits etc. I would also like to state I have never ever posted in an rip thread before. 

But fuck me this has actually shocked me. Didn't even know the guy but I could just tell he was one cool fucker. He oozed class - he was intelligent, funny and for the most part extremely patient. 

Even as I type this it feels a bit strange as a lurker and someone who I had never met him to be posting in this thread. But I genuinely looked forward to reading his posts. 

I will say it again - he was just cool as fuck. 

Thoughts go out to all of you who have lost a good friend. 

RIP Knock.


----------



## Swarm

I'm with ya foolsgold. p.m anyone of us anytime mate.


----------



## swampdragon

The Quad said:


> But fuck me this has actually shocked me. Didn't even know the guy but I could just tell he was one cool fucker. He oozed class - he was intelligent, funny and for the most part extremely patient.


Yeah, that he was. It sounds like you knew the guy better than you thought..


----------



## Shambles

Spot on description, Quad. And don't worry, I remember you even if nobody else does


----------



## The Quad

Shambles said:


> Spot on description, Quad. And don't worry, I remember you even if nobody else does



Thanks Shambles - put you and SHM in the same bracket. Really sorry for all you regular posters who knew Knock well. He really will be a massive loss to this forum. His posts and his general manner just really struck a chord with me.


----------



## foolsgold

Swarm said:


> I'm with ya foolsgold. p.m anyone of us anytime mate.




cheers swarm just a bit lost at the minute fuck i pm'ed him about helping me delete my account of all things now this making me think its maybe best to move on 

i just keep seeing the picture of him full beard all smiling in his fishing gear he posted when  i first got to know him 

and quad spot on cool as fuck he sure was


----------



## bob_arctor

Knock was sound. I wish he could join us at the barricades instead.


----------



## Fellowed

shocking and awful news. I'm really new to this forum so didn't even know the bloke, but he seemed like a good one and someone who I would get along with well in the real world.

Thoughts go out to all of those who knew him better on here and in the real world. Grim as fuck


----------



## Eveleivibe

foolsgold said:


> cheers swarm just a bit lost at the minute fuck i pm'ed him about helping me delete my account of all things now this making me think its maybe best to move on
> 
> i just keep seeing the picture of him full beard all smiling in his fishing gear he posted when  i first got to know him
> 
> and quad spot on cool as fuck he sure was



I second that. My PM is always open. Think most of us were in PM Sunday giving/receiving support xxxx


----------



## foolsgold

i was suicidal Sunday same as ive been for a few months that why i tried pm'ing him earlier before i found out 

really is time to move on i think before i become another statistic in here as well

hate him right now i know its wrong but i do just like i guess he would of it was me but right now i hate him for this


----------



## monstanoodle

That CWE thread I made a few years ago popped back up n I've been reading through it...
The amount of posts from those we've lost... It was saddening but also heart-warming to know that they werw happy and enjoying life during the time of their posts...

 * foolsgold * 
I'm so sorry you found out the way you did  

And * Quad * - Nice to see you and to know yr still about, circumstances aside


----------



## Shambles

foolsgold said:


> hate him right now *i know its wrong* but i do just like i guess he would of it was me but right now i hate him for this



No it's not. Not wrong at all. It's a very common reaction - particularly if suicide is involved. I'm not aware of there being any confirmation of that but I am aware that it is a strong suspicion amongst many. Having lost a younger brother to suicide I know the range of emotions it can bring up. Anger is certainly amongst them and is in no way "wrong" to feel that way. It's perfectly legitimate but I'm sure you'll find that it is replaced by other emotions as time passes. Actually, I'm fairly sure that anger is widely-recognised as one of the phases of grief whether suicide or not. Whatever the causes for losing him, there really are no 'wrong' feelings when it comes to grieving.

And sorry to hear you're having a rough period yourself. It's of course entirely up to you whether you wish to spend time around the forum or not but I hope you do cos there are plenty people here who care whether you realise it or not


----------



## foolsgold

foolsgold said:


> shambles sod my problems man that's for another place just cant understand this all the times he ripped into me for saying how low i was and how fuck it this time i am out of here to come back after 3 weeks drugged out off it to see he has gone the same way and for what i can tell its been triggered by him being de modded what's with that
> and your last bit of the post sounds just like him
> 
> and monstanoodle cheers no easier for me than anyone else finding out but thank you
> 
> he made this place never bollocked you just talked to you let you know the lines between us and him was always fair with things
> 
> told me once if i did one who was going to play the heavy metal for him to go bouncing around his room to this ones for you knock
> 
> 
> *NSFW*:
> 
> 
> 
> [video=youtube_share;CDKwAz-Em_k]http://youtu.be/CDKwAz-Em_k[/video]


----------



## CaseFace

I never spoke to the man, only seen his posts from time to time. Always seemed like a solid fucking dude. This is sad.


----------



## Danny Weed

ffs man RIP


----------



## StoneHappyMonday

For knock. Because we never got to discuss the book. And it hurts.



http://youtube.com/watch?v=q1lAbB-wil4

Syd Barrett - No Good Trying


----------



## Ascii

_Rest in Peace, Michael.
_


----------



## Shambles

> I dance like a motherfucker on acid and MDMA



Of all the things that tugged at heartstrings in that - frankly rather wonderful - post, that's the one that tugged hardest. Real shame I never got to witness and share in that. I suspect we'd've had a fine old time of it.

I was fortunate enough to meet Michael, but dissociatives were very much the order of the day(s) which - although great - are perhaps not ideal for getting to know people. Which is perhaps doubly impressive that we did get along so very well. It's a rare person you can feel completely at ease with whilst highly dissociated but I did and think I can safely say that was mutual. We even exchanged a rather bearish manhug whilst more than a wee bit wonky on MXE and 3-MeO-PCP. Was a relatively brief visit, but a few days is still a few days and we really did get on great. Always planned to meet up again but one thing and another (largely travel issues due to "the incident") got in the way. That is one regret I do have that we never did quite get that visit together cos it was looking like it would be more or less certain for the fairly near future. Some other time and place, perhaps.

Thanks for digging that our, Ascii. Really does give an excellent picture of the man and helps add context for those that maybe only knew him for his podgering antics and lengthy political postings. A very fine human being indeed


----------



## amanitadine

Thank you for that Acsii....hurts but helps...

Just fucking tragic. No way around it..


----------



## swedger77

In my time on Bluelight I have to say the Knock was without a doubt the best moderator I had encountered. Always level headed and fair and always pushing HR.On the other side of this he was always up for the banter which makes the EADD section stand out from the rest of bluelight. For me he pretty much summed up what EADD was all about. 

Yet another tragic loss. Quite a horrible feeling and I barely knew him which speaks volumes.

RIP buddy


----------



## Kronos

I wish we hadnt fallen out of touch, a few years ago we used to email loads (i dont think he even knew it was me on here), but im shite with keeping in contact with people. He was always a great person to talk to, intelligent through the roof and interesting on top. He helped me through some issues (as did you MM back in 10'? maybe a bit earlier or later, if you remember, shoot me an email mate) and i think i tried to give you advice, which was probably shite. I'll miss you and i'm sorry man


----------



## Digital*Recluse

I'm so sorry to hear this. Haven't been here for ages and only ever exchanged a few words with Knock, but his posts always stood out for me and he seemed like a truly great guy. 

Fuck. Shit. Bollocks.  Love and strength to all those who knew him.x


----------



## Just A Guy

Ascii said:


> _Rest in Peace, Michael.
> _
> This is from the thread EADD Introductions.



Haunting and beautiful.


----------



## opiaterock

This is so so sad..Although I only spoke to Knock a few times in the forums and via PM's - I could tell immediately what a genuinely nice bloke he was, I was absolutely shocked to see this thread when I took a look on BL yesterday.

My thoughts are with his family and friends, they have lost a true gent - RIP Michael


----------



## pinkpapaver

this isn't right.  Hard to take in.  Bless your soul Knockando


----------



## spacejunk

I'm only a transient visitor to these parts...but I'm really saddened to read all of this.

The post above - in the man's own words - has had me in tears since I read it.

Beautiful, tragic; awful.
We'll miss you knock.


----------



## ageingpartyfiend

you'd have made a fantastic nurse knock, seemingly having the right mix of compassion and common sense required (but sorely lacking in some nurses today)

it's criminal that they wouldn't' accept you and was, and is, their loss


----------



## Eveleivibe

Ascii thanks for showing us this - it shows how Special Knock was to EADD n all of us.
Shambles, you're very lucky that you got to meet Knock. 



knock said:


> I posted a very brief summary of my life on the staff forums, because there's a thread for that. But the staff are not the be-all and end-all. In my view, I am here for the the members - old members, current members, members in waiting. Not BL as some grand institution. I'm here because we are a community who can support each other. BL is a very useful, albeit flawed, institution. But it's nothing without the people that post here, and most of all I *do* give a toss about you, the members. Especially EADD, because amongst you are some of the most compassionate and intelligent people I get to share ideas with. This is not about national boundaries. It's just about the sort of people who gravitate to EADD. I love these people.  I don't actually care where you're from. I would never turn away someone from EADD because they don't live in the right part of the world. All I care about is building a community of people who care about each other. And I honestly think EADD is the jewel in the BL crown. Not because of me, or the other mods, great as we are  but because of you, the members.
> 
> So. Here is that post. Perhaps others would like to give their own introductions here too.
> 
> 
> I was born in 1973 when my mum and dad were 41. My dad was a teacher then Headmaster of the high school I went to. I had two older brothers and a sister. Eldest brother = 15 years older than me - died of cancer in 2008. My other brother - 12 years older - worked as a psych nurse in the NHS for 20 years until diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. He has to use wheelchair / scooter to get about and he gets tired easily. My dead brother leaves a 25 year old girl who has a lot of problems in life. My other brother has a couple of fairly well-adjusted kids. His wife is an angel and looks after him and her elderly, decrepit parents.
> 
> My parents are in their 80s and need an increasing amount of my time to look after them. I help my immobile brother whenever I can. My relationship with my dead brother's daughter is on and off; she has had a difficult upbringing and a bitter, difficult mother. So I help her where I can.
> 
> My sister was a heroin addict for a while before giving it up and sticking to weed. She has travelled a bit - through the UK, Greece for a bit, and settled in the States 20 years ago. She was a lesbian for many years. She had a mixed-race kid who is a wonderful young man. She then found the love of her love, an American artist, they got married and settled in northern Catalonia. After her son reached high school age he wanted to go back to the States as racism is a problem where they were living in Catalonia. So they moved to Portland, Oregan where she has connections. Her husband died of an overdose five years ago, he suffered from depression. I don't think he was a BLer. She works as a journalist now and has won various prizes.
> 
> I worked in IT from age 19 to 37. I worked in Edinburgh, London, Peterburgh, Lancashire (lived in a motorhome for 11 months, winter got to me so I quit), Dusseldorf, and Livingston (shithole in Scotland).  Mostly financial instiutions but also Sky the TV company in Livingston.
> 
> In 2002 my best buddie died. This sent me on a downward spiral for the next few years. I moved to London and made good friends and had a lot of fun and worked hard, played hard. My brother died in that time. But that came to an end and I returned home to Scotland. Shortly after arriving my favourite Aunt died. My long term relationship (with a lass I still love dearly) fell apart; she also suffers from depression and is difficult to get along with but we're still friends. I also suffered complete disillusion with my work. I had a nervous breakdown last years as a cumulate result of these deaths, losses and frustrations over the years and nearly killed myself early 2012 jumping out a window on a cocktail of drugs. I'd been planning the suicide jump for some time, drugs just enabled it. In the end I just broke my foot.
> 
> I've spent the last couple of years trying, slowly, to rebuild my life. I saved up some money from working in the city and, oddly enough, the Co-Op in Lancashire. I've been living off that money. It's dwindling. I use drugs to make things bearable and frankly, they work, when used wisely, but it takes experience to find that sweet spot. Think I'm there now. I'm now getting involved in local activism against poverty, the bedroom tax, homelessness and empowering workers to take control of their lives. I do my best to help people here on BL because a) our members are by and large wonderful people and they deserve it and b) they help me back.
> 
> I took up climbing recently too. I live on my own in a cold flat in a town I'd rather not be. I plan to move to Edinburgh where I have some roots and interesting things sometimes happen.
> 
> My dad was remote when I was young, he threw himself into his work. He was mildly abusive - dragged me round the living room with a walkingstick round my neck; threatened to cut off my cock. My mum was loving but overprotective. I rebelled from the age of 12 and got into drugs ASAP. I had no trouble with drugs until my recent breakdown. I'm getting on top of that now.
> 
> I applied to train to be a nurse last year but due to police involvement I wasn't accepted, I'm going to seek advice and see if I can apply again.
> 
> My plans for the future outside 9-5 are to work with other people to make our lives better collectively. I am still a computer geek and get fun out of that.
> 
> I love techno and house, and I dance like a motherfucker on acid and MDMA. I usually use milder functional drugs at home but sometimes I have a blow out. most of the time that works out fine.
> 
> I love BL but most of all EADD. It's a place where people come who need help, and I think our relationships with each other should be based on mutual  support through bad times, not just having fun, although fun is a big part too. I try to treat people like adults and I recognise that fundamentally there are limitations to what we can achieve with people who have far more serious issues to deal with than I have. So I just do my best and I don't try to fob people off with easy answers and platitudes.
> 
> That's me!
> knock
> 
> 
> PS stims help when typing this stuff out :D


----------



## StoneHappyMonday

http://youtube.com/watch?v=udWMGiv-MZs

Syd Barrett - Love You


----------



## tambourine-man

Jesus-fucking-christ, Michael.

Why?

What was going on, man?  What happened?

Man, you were such a star.  You just kinda had a way about you that I always couldn't help but like.

Over the years, you were one of the best people I worked with in EADD.  I think I told you that a few times, didn't I... and if I didn't, then I should have done it a little more. You just came along when we needed you and just did your thing.  You were knowledgeable and caring, demanding and challenging - but for all the right reasons.

If this was anything other than an accident, if something was on your noggin or eating away at you... I hope it seems like a distant memory now. I hope all things are right.  I hope you're tootling along on a bicycle somewhere, with that lightweight Hoffman trying to keep pace as you leisurely cruise into the distance of the luridly verdant landscape ahead.  Or some soppy shit like that.

Much love, man.  Much, much love.

Place really has gone to shit.


----------



## Swarm

Nice one Stoney.


----------



## Swarm

I have to say I'm still all wrong. Knock *was*  EADD! This whole thing has just gone and fucked me right up. In my head I know that it isn't the end. I know that bluelight will continue on with its missiion. The problem i'm having is that while my head knows that life must go on, my heart can't seem to keep up with my brain. Logic tells me there is a future out there but the rest of me won't fuckin buy it  Everythings all twisted around and back wards now.  Everything has gone  all wrong. When i look outside  all i see is a mixture of grey and nothiningness. Am just about holding on.


----------



## mydrugbuddy

Everything you say is true, knock was the unnasuming heart and soul of this place, but its worrying that you are still so deeply distressed by this and that its still having such a devastating effect on you. I loved Knock and will miss him very badly as long as i continue to post here, but life has to carry on for the rest of us left behind. It may be the benzos and kratom blunting my emotions, infact im pretty sure it is, i couldnt stop kratom on the day this happened, my mood would have fallen too low. I was too much of a pussy to face the pain so i blotted it out. I'll try and face it properly and try to deal with it next week when i stop my kratom run when a little more time will have passed.


----------



## amanitadine

Missing you Michael....wishing we could have carried on our last conversation...and really wishing you could have carried on living....you helped so many, and really were the beating, caring, and loving heart of this place. Your smarts and sense were one of a kind....I'm so sorry the pain reached such levels...

There always is another alternative...sure, death is our common denominator, but not on such terms....I am choosing to remember your wit and charm, and not focus on your, our, my pain


----------



## Kronos

Everytime i click on the cock thread knock, i think how you would;'ve loved it. Some fantastic and scarring contributions i bet you would've made too!


----------



## StoneHappyMonday

mydrugbuddy said:


> Everything you say is true, knock was the unnasuming heart and soul of this place, but its worrying that you are still so deeply distressed by this and that its still having such a devastating effect on you.



I too am distressed by this. And devastated. Because Michael was a lovely man doing a brilliant job here.

*And if he hadn't had that job so cruelly taken away from him he would still be alive. *

Until someone proves otherwise to me, that is my position. I think it's one his inquest needs to hear.

I don't know how some people sleep at night.

To me this is serious shit. My heart has gone from this place completely.


----------



## maxalfie

Knock helped so many people on here that it makes me wonder why didn't he reach out to someone himself either here or elsewhere?


----------



## masaz

I wish he had too. He seemed fairly upbeat in the last few PMs he sent me, and then this. Just goes to show.


----------



## Si Dread

Guys, I don't want to say this, but I've been thinking it & need to post it. I know it's hard to hear this but if Knock took his own life because of the demodding, I'm really sorry, but that says alot more about Knock state of mind than it does about BL. 

I'm sure some of those people who may have been behind Knocks demodding *are* having trouble sleeping at night & dealing with this.

I can't imagine how being accused or implicated in his passing must feel to them.

Now, I really think this part of the conversation should be moved out of this thread, where this topic is ill placed. I think this thread should be kept as much as possible for good memories of an old friend.


----------



## Eveleivibe

maxalfie said:


> Knock helped so many people on here that it makes me wonder why didn't he reach out to someone himself either here or elsewhere?



I wish he had, mas, I wish he had. 
I wish I hadn't been so wrapped up in myself n asked how he was, tried to help in some way. I tried to help others but some reason I didn't think to see how knock was feeling. I kept thinking that last week, after Tuesday to E-mail him but never did. I wish I'd reached out to him n not forgive myself for that. Lesson learned though I'm going to ask how people are doing from now on. 
Knock truly cared. About from the title it was hard to tell that he was a mod because he cared n took time for people. 
He showed that things didn't always have to be censored - but in a good way without bullying or any of that negativity. 
He also dealt with being de-modded with dignity, showing support for Josh n Shambles. 
I feel bad for his family; his parents, brother, sister. My thoughts are with them. 

Does anyone know when his funeral n isn't there else we can do apart from this RIP thread?  It doesn't seem enough somehow. 

Shame we couldn't give something to his family from us but I don't know if they know about BL n the work he did here, all the people here who love him. I don't know if it would give comfort or not because I don't know if he told his family about here????

Si ingwe - very true n that needed saying. If it hadn't been the de-modding it would have been something else (if it was that) but I don't want to know how he died tbh. And I feel bad for the admins on BL. Whatever happened, happened no one is to blame for this. We can't go laying this at their door. It's cruel do so. That decision was made n I'm sure no one wanted this.


----------



## Eveleivibe

StoneHappyMonday said:


> I too am distressed by this. And devastated. Because Michael was a lovely man doing a brilliant job here.
> 
> *And if he hadn't had that job so cruelly taken away from him he would still be alive. *
> 
> Until someone proves otherwise to me, that is my position. I think it's one his inquest needs to hear.
> 
> I don't know how some people sleep at night.
> 
> To me this is serious shit. My heart has gone from this place completely.



SHM I know you're hurting (MDB why is that worrying you?  Grief is not a couple of days affair n it's over y'know. I'm still hurt over this - alot of us are n will be for a long time. Why is that so difficult for you to understand?). Anyway you know I'm here for you n you can PM me anytime but (you may not like this n I'm very sorry in advance). None of us know how Knock died it may not have even been drugs. And most of us don't agree with Knock being sacked. But we really can't go laying it at the door of the admins here n accuse them of someone's death. It's incredibly cruel to do so. Do you see that? 

 I'm not trying to hurt you orr to be mean to you in any way I know that you're grieving n you take as long as you need to go through the process. As I said I'm here for you n you can talk to me any time, ok?!  But I had to say this n been trying to think of the best way of that way without hurting/ offending you. 

Take care ok. You'll get through this n we're here. You take as long as you need. 

Evey xxxx


----------



## Kronos

Si Ingwe said:


> Guys, I don't want to say this, but I've been thinking it & need to post it. I know it's hard to hear this but if Knock took his own life because of the demodding, I'm really sorry, but that says alot more about Knock state of mind than it does about BL.
> 
> I'm sure some of those people who may have been behind Knocks demodding *are* having trouble sleeping at night & dealing with this.
> 
> I can't imagine how being accused or implicated in his passing must feel to them.
> 
> Now, I really think this part of the conversation should be moved out of this thread, where this topic is ill placed. I think this thread should be kept as much as possible for good memories of an old friend.



I'm with you, come you you guys i thought you were better than this, shit happens and the universe works in mysterious ways. Yeah it will have had an effect, but he but be in  pretty extreme state of mind to begin with.

I dunno lets do a shit analogy, im good at these. and homeless junkie gets a job at a soup kitchen and the responsibility help him clean up etc, but the soup kitchen stop doing soup a d argue wit hthe man, so they let him go. The man jumps off a highway, do you blame the soup kitchen?

Poor poor knock must have been in a terrible state of mind anyway if he did kill himself, please dont turn this into a witch hut and bklaming the BL admins, 'maybe XYZ and if X then Y and Z' he's dead. Blaming for that will could result in more depressed lives taken, and the only one who brear the responsibility for his actions is knock. RIP man, i love you and im furious at the demoddimng cause of 'disagreements', i recon they were scared of you because you were truly the best mod, you never let ther power go to your head and were the same as when i spoke beforer you became a mod. Buut killing yourself in sresponse to something you dont like is not the other things fauly, so please lets stop even discussing it aye? I bet they feelk absolutely shite as it is, and this would be the last thing they'd want to hear.


Edit: Was it all confirmed then? Did he commit suicide?


----------



## ColtDan

Kronos said:


> Poor poor knock must have been in a terrible state of mind anyway if he did kill himself, please dont turn this into a witch hut and bklaming the BL admins, 'maybe XYZ and if X then Y and Z' he's dead. Blaming for that will could result in more depressed lives taken, and the only one who brear the responsibility for his actions is knock. RIP man



This.


----------



## masaz

Very much. I understand the anger and needing to vent and there is really nowhere else to do so - an ' EADD inquest' thread would be tasteless. We can talk this out now and tidy it up when it's time to go to the Shrine so it's more fitting.


----------



## Sammy G

Kronos said:


> Edit: Was it all confirmed then? Did he commit suicide?



I don't think anybody knows for sure. I may well be mistaken, but I don't believe so. 

I do know that his last few posts were made under the influence of diphenidine, which he hadn't tried before. Diphenidine has already been involved in at least one hospitalisation. 

There's always the possibility that he overestimated his tolerance based on his heavy use of other dissociatives. I'd wager that he'd taken a very large dose based on how incoherent his last posts were. That drug does _not_ make you that incoherent at lower doses; I can tell you that from experience. 

This might have had nothing to do with his death, but it's a distinct possibility, and I think people should maybe consider this before jumping to any other conclusions. Diphenidine is a new drug which would seem to have a lot of potential to be problematic, and Michael was known to be a little under-cautious on occasion, with dissociatives in particular.


----------



## bummer

Sammy G said:


> I don't think anybody knows for sure. I may well be mistaken, but I don't believe so.
> 
> I do know that his last few posts were made under the influence of diphenidine, which he hadn't tried before. Diphenidine has already been involved in at least one hospitalisation.
> 
> .



Glad somebody else wrote this.
I have written then deleted several similar posts.
Disso black out in a house full of chems ? could lead to trouble
Looking at the facebook info in the op, it would appear that cause is 'unknown'
He once said that people considering suicide 'tie up loose ends' 
I can't imagine him ending it without at least finding a home for his cat, if loose ends were tied up it might be clearer to his family.

PS - despite my low post count I do feel I got to know him a little and was shocked too ( i used to post here a year or so ago as justinsayno, even after i stopped posting i would lurk a few times a week ) 
Only reregistered so i could pay my respects.

Accident or not demodding him was a bad move for the site, even after i stopped posting i had a pm chat with him during the last eadd identity crises, about HR and where the line is drawn between honest info and dicksizing. I was blown away by how passionate and committed he was. Very caring man.
All that time spent trying help people he would probably never meet, a very very rare breed.
The world and the site have lost something special 

No offence is meant to the regulars who he considered friends. 
Sorry to drag the thread even further in the wrong direction, just really feel SG has a valid point


----------



## swampdragon

I'm still waiting to hear about details re funeral and flowers.. they do often take a while to organise. And no other details have been said about the circumstances.

Whether it was an accident or not, the end result is still pretty devastating.


----------



## masaz

Then let's leave it at that, eh? Til we find out what actually happened.


----------



## Raasyvibe

^ Great post Bummer



Sammy G said:


> I don't think anybody knows for sure. I may well be mistaken, but I don't believe so.
> 
> I do know that his last few posts were made under the influence of diphenidine, which he hadn't tried before. Diphenidine has already been involved in at least one hospitalisation.



It might be wrong to speculate over his death in this thread. If this is felt to be out of line, please remove this. But it would be of interest to a lot of people, and I don't know where else to say it.

If you look at his last posts he was drastically, incoherently high. Considering he posts day and night; it's very likely that was the night he died. Though interestingly, in a former post that night he claimed he was trying to work out a suitable dose, as he needed to be "asleep by 2am". If it was suicide, it doesn't seem pre-meditated.

 I would like to add that I think suicide was on Michaels mind for a while. He attempted suicide unsuccessfully over a year or 2 ago. He also wrote a provisional suicide note here while high in the gibbering thread 3 months ago.

I think it most likely to have been a suicidal overdose, but would like to hear something more official. I would have thought there to be an update on facebook.


----------



## masaz

Doubt anything will be put on Facebook and I imagine there may be an inquest so, again, let's leave the speculation. Please. It just seems like morbid curiosity and if it turns out to be suicide, maybe then this kind of conversation can take place.


----------



## Kronos

Aye leave it, but you know its not morbid curiosity snolls it cause we careadnd are geneuinely curious about our friend/want answers.

But this aint the place. Anyoe set up that MS donation? I might set up a just giving page later on if nobody else is gonna


----------



## Eveleivibe

Kronos said:


> Aye leave it, but you know its not morbid curiosity snolls it cause we careadnd are geneuinely curious about our friend/want answers.
> 
> But this aint the place. Anyoe set up that MS donation? I might set up a just giving page later on if nobody else is gonna



That's very kind of you if you'd do that. Please let us know if you do. I have some money coming in Tuesday so would put some money in then.


----------



## masaz

Kronos said:


> Aye leave it, but you know its not morbid curiosity snolls it cause we careadnd are geneuinely curious about our friend/want answers.
> 
> But this aint the place. Anyoe set up that MS donation? I might set up a just giving page later on if nobody else is gonna



Yeah, I can understand that, is just my (mis) reading of it I think plus experience of previous RIP threads going a bit wrong. If/when we find out then we will undboutedly be able to focus on harm reduction regarding his death, whatever the cause 

Edit: And whoever sets up the just giving page or whatever, let one of us mods know and we'll stick it in the title. MS is a nice idea, I think plus a cause fairly close to my heart so  I got some spare-ish cash coming in soon and better than blowing it all on shite.

Appreciate the effort people, I know it's fucking hard on us all, more so on some.


----------



## amanitadine

The MS  charity donation is a great idea given the circumstances with Michael and his brother and elderly parents...who knows what they think of BL, or if they even know, but it could be a good barometer to show how much Michael was appreciated here, and the we aren't _all_ hedonistic selfish swine. Or even somehow direct donations to the family...I don't do Facebook and only knew Michael through here...

For the sake of HR if diphenidine was the culprit I hope it becomes known. There have been several hospitalizations already, and strangely enough last night a trusted friend said he had recently had word of one uncomfirmed death.....this came up in a separate conversation entirely. But if such is the case, t'would be nice to prevent further goings on...

The world really needed more Michaels....sadly there was only one, and he is now gone....still struggling to wrap my head around this...it is never easy, but Knock just had such a way, such a way...


----------



## mydrugbuddy

I paid my tributes to his sister on FB, after she informed all his FB friends of his death. I told her that I only knew him as an online friend but that he was a very special, gifted, thoughtfull and kind person. And that he will be hugely missed. She appreciated that and said 'That is lovely to hear. He was truly and incredible person. I will let you know about funeral arrangements.' I dont think his family knew about BL, but i may be wrong, i asked the same question as you earler on and was advised that its probably best not to mention this place, allthough i am sure his family would be very moved by all the glowing tributes on here. 

I wasnt sure if this might be some sort of comfort to them to see how much he was liked and loved on here. But in some of his posts he said things that makes me very much doubt his family knew about his history on here. I think they had some inkling about his interests due to some wacky book they got him for christmas, but they probably didnt have any idea about some of the things he did and said, and sadly it might be better to keep it that way. If someone (I'd volunteer if its considered a good idea) could copy and paste this thread alone, after its been tidied up, that may be a nice touch to send on to his family. But it could lead on to awkward and difficult questions.


----------



## specialspack

Oh fucking hell no... RIP knock, I never knew you personally - but always seemed such a great poster and great mod.

I hardly come here anymore - and Jesus, every time I do look in here, someone else has died.


----------



## amanitadine

^ sorry you just learned Special.....good to see you again, despite the circumstances..

Yes, the deaths as of late are really jarring and out of control....sure, BL has grown, as has the drug scene....but I've been here off and on since 1999, and have never seen anything like the last two years. I just see it as that Bluelight is needed now more than ever. I sincerely believe this place does much, much more good than harm....sure, we can justify our behaviors and habits here....but that is greatly trumped by the amount of accurate and  potentially life saving information that gets doled out. ..

But what to do? So many deaths, and most of those were not inexperienced users...some intentional, some not...but something has gotta give. if this keeps up we may as well have black as the default setting and use blue when somebodys life didn't fall apart or be ripped out from under them :/......


----------



## mydrugbuddy

There is a huge membership base on BL, so just statiscially speaking there are odds on that there are going to be some deaths. According to mailmonkey there are more deaths on a fishing forum than there are on here. Allthough there is a huge membership base on BL, EADD has a close knit community feel to it, where you feel like you virtually know some of the members that post frequently, even though you may never have met them in person. Damn, i hope ive worded this post correctly and not caused any offence.


----------



## swampdragon

mydrugbuddy said:


> If someone (I'd volunteer if its considered a good idea) could copy and paste this thread alone, after its been tidied up, that may be a nice touch to send on to his family. But it could lead on to awkward and difficult questions.


Does anyone know what knock would think about this? If it were me, I'd hate my family to find out that I posted on a drugs forum, because of the amount of distress it would cause them. I think it has more potential to do harm than good, particularly if people post sensitive information that the relatives will then invevitably read..


----------



## Munroe

Jesus christ. Not been very active here recently but knock was one of the folk I tended to chat to a bit more.
Such a fucking shame no matter what the circumstances.


----------



## ColtDan

swampdragon said:


> If it were me, I'd hate my family to find out that I posted on a drugs forum, because of the amount of distress it would cause them. I think it has more potential to do harm than good, particularly if people post sensitive information that the relatives will then invevitably read..



Likewise, same here. the last thing they'd wanna hear is condolences from this place


----------



## spacejunk

^ yeah my girlfriend went through and read all my posts when she found out i was a lying drug addict.  It was really distressing for her. I promised to stop using the forum - and for a time, I did (sorry babe) 
I think some - if not all of us - are a bit too frank on here to share our most intimate, fucked up drug chatter with family (or people you wouldn't normally discuss such things with).
Personally I think it's a bad idea, but it depends entirely on the individual and their family/friends.
Too raw, too much hurt to be dredged through - too much information.

_We_ understand this great man's contribution and legacy; but would everyone?  I doubt it - as nice as the thought is.


----------



## ColtDan

Spot on


----------



## Help?!?!

I'm really happy to see how many posts this thread has received and how fast, but it's so bittersweet as I hate seeing this thread... It's like my brain just wants to pretend Knock is off doing some good in the world and may be back...then I see this thread and reality once again crashes towards the break.  Not to mention all the BS in the thread though it appears that is being taken care of thankfully. I have a feeling Knock of all people would be the last to put up with this sort of BS when it's supposed to be a shrine thread, bet he'd be asking people to try to move forward with a bit of grace rather than disgruntled possibly misplaced emotions.  

Either way RIP Knock, going to miss you forever bud!


----------



## Eveleivibe

amanitadine said:


> The MS  charity donation is a great idea given the circumstances with Michael and his brother and elderly parents...who knows what they think of BL, or if they even know, but it could be a good barometer to show how much Michael was appreciated here, and the we aren't _all_ hedonistic selfish swine. Or even somehow direct donations to the family...I don't do Facebook and only knew Michael through here...
> 
> For the sake of HR if diphenidine was the culprit I hope it becomes known. There have been several hospitalizations already, and strangely enough last night a trusted friend said he had recently had word of one uncomfirmed death.....this came up in a separate conversation entirely. But if such is the case, t'would be nice to prevent further goings on...
> 
> The world really needed more Michaels....sadly there was only one, and he is now gone....still struggling to wrap my head around this...it is never easy, but Knock just had such a way, such a way...



I hope he died peacefully n not in any pain. I really hope that. I'd hate to think of him in any sort of pain in that flat on his own. Knock I hope you're happy wherever you are n know how much we loved you n appreciate all that you did for us here on EADD n BL xxxx


----------



## masaz

Ditto.

Also yeah leave the thread for the family to find if they wish to or know about his involvement here. I know some relatives of deceased BLers have come here seeking support and I guess reminiscence but some might not want to see that side or find it too hard to bear.


----------



## brutus

Damn...


----------



## Eveleivibe

snolly said:


> Ditto.
> 
> Also yeah leave the thread for the family to find if they wish to or know about his involvement here. I know some relatives of deceased BLers have come here seeking support and I guess reminiscence but some might not want to see that side or find it too hard to bear.



Yea that's why I raised the question about BL n his friends / family. It's hard to tell n you're right, Snolly, family members of relatives who have died, have come here n one of them is a mod here so shows how BL can help but as you say we don't know their reaction. It's a shame we could not somehow send some flowers as "friends" of Michael without mentioning BL......


----------



## Bare_head

i am truely saddened by this, whats worse is there is that many deaths on here nowadays that i thought this was an old thread that had been bumped  and then realised, hang on knock was well and alive posting last month! whata fuckingg shame!  my thoughts go out to his friends and family! he will be truely missed around here ! RIP knock


----------



## spacejunk

Eveleivibe said:


> It's a shame we could not somehow send some flowers as "friends" of Michael without mentioning BL......


I don't see what's stopping us?
"BL" is pretty vague.  Bereaved friends don't need to justify their acquaintance specifically, dо they?
I like the charity idea also.


----------



## Eveleivibe

I wrote a poem for you knock in the words thread.  I'm so sorry you're gone.
Why did you have to go


----------



## Sharapovafistpump

RIP Knock, he was always a gent. To fucking scary whats going on recently. It seems to be getting worse. I had a scare there, but was lucky. 

My deepest condolences, may the wind be always at you back and the road rise to meet you. RIP


----------



## swampdragon

"Funeral will be at midday on Thursday in xxxxx crematorium in Edinburgh. Then afterwards at xxxx Hotel. All are welcome and please do pass this information on to anyone you think should know."

I've passed on the specifics to the mods as I'm away this weekend, and it doesn't seem right to post full details on a public forum.


----------



## Kronos

Love and peace again knock . I'm the same, id hate my family to find out i post on here, mayeb heyd go through my post history and shit it would be a nightmare for them.

Anyone set up the JG page? If not i'll do it now, and i'll send it on to his family saying 'We are friends of michael from a online forum and were really upset to hear about his passing. He was a really special person, witty and intelligent and he will be missed by all of us. We have raised a bit of money for MS in knocks honour, to show how much he meaned to us. I cant imagine what you're going through we are all so so sorry for your loss

Regards, Constantine'

Or a better message im sure one of you guys could ocme up with. I'l check back in 10 mins t osee if someones made one already


----------



## swampdragon

I think that sounds rather lovely Kronos. Though maybe don't mention "knock" in the message, eh?


----------



## Kronos

I will be sure to proof read and edit accordingly 

Right il do this now, never done a JG before.

What was knocks full name?


----------



## Nicklazz

Don't think ya getting those answers in here Kronos.


----------



## Kronos

I dont see why not? If i have my privacy levels wrong though which is more than likely please PM me his full name


----------



## Ceres

Awful to see this when I was just casually looking at EADD as I'm not an active poster these days. 

Knock was such a lively guy, a vibrant personality here and I enjoyed sparring with him over silly computery things and whatnot. We were talking about meeting up at some point aswell, an opportunity I now wish I'd taken. 

As I've been awol from the forums I don't know the context or what happened, but bloody hell, he always came across as such a sound guy and I am genuinely distressed and stunned today to hear of his departure. My heart goes out to everyone who knew him...

Signed with my tears as I write this.


----------



## mydrugbuddy

Ok, so bad idea about revealing this place to knocks family. It's a shame that we cant tell his family about what was a major part of his life. Swampy, yes you're right Knock wouldnt want them to know, i just wanted to get the messages of condolonces accross to them, but unfortuntaley things arent that simple are they.

Is there going to be a collection for a wreath of flowers for the funeral 'from michaels online friends' ?


----------



## masaz

I assume Swampy's intentions were for you to PM us mods if you genuinely wish to attend his funeral, as it states 'everyone welcome'. Just waiting for her to clarify that with me though 

There's no need to bring BL into it, you're just an old friend who wants to pay their respects in whatever way you choose, be it donation, attending his funeral, or whatever.


----------



## mydrugbuddy

I cant attend the funeral, but i would like to do something, is there any consensus that getting a wreath of flowers sent 'from his online friends' would be the very least we could do ? I think we should honour him and pay our respects in some other way than just posting on here, as many people who might have wanted to attend the funeral might not be able to make it?

I could arrange for this to happen, find an interflora type store in the area, and they would know how to handle this in the best way. If anyone else wants to chip in, please let me know in this thread or by PM. Or if mods want to take charge of that, thats fine. I have the time to do this.


----------



## mickeyfinn79

I've have been on here for a while now and I'm amazed at how many people have passed away!!.....its really saddening I never spoke to knock but since I joined he seemed part of the furniture very very sad indeed my thoughts go out to his friends and family.


----------



## kingme

i cant believe this has happened... im not around that much these days but knock was always a person i respected. informative, fun, open and even heartfelt posts .. i dont know the circumstances of the death but i hope he has peace.

sad sad news. my condoleances to his family


----------



## Swarm

MDB  

Don't feel in anyway that your idea was way out there. Knocks sister was also a recovering heroin addict, and his nephew was well aware of his BL activities. 

Also, while I take on board what sing wie and others are  saying  I'm with stoney. I know the guys in the U.S are hurting too, but being a former suicide attemptie myself I read SHM's posts the same as he does.

I once made the decision to take my own life because of all the blood sweat and tears and I had poured into my uni degree, only to be denied a phd interview (by a guy I know had told others that I was capable). in the end my grade was the out cone of one of those house of cards  time management things. I knew I was capable but I didn't have the stupid piece of paper to let me do what I needed to do ie. go on to do research in my chosen field.

I've oversimplified a lot of stuff necessarily, but I know from personal experience how this shit can play out.

I'm angry and I want answers!


----------



## Eveleivibe

Kronos said:


> Love and peace again knock . I'm the same, id hate my family to find out i post on here, mayeb heyd go through my post history and shit it would be a nightmare for them.
> 
> Anyone set up the JG page? If not i'll do it now, and i'll send it on to his family saying 'We are friends of michael from a online forum and were really upset to hear about his passing. He was a really special person, witty and intelligent and he will be missed by all of us. We have raised a bit of money for MS in knocks honour, to show how much he meaned to us. I cant imagine what you're going through we are all so so sorry for your loss
> 
> Regards, Constantine'
> 
> Or a better message im sure one of you guys could ocme up with. I'l check back in 10 mins t osee if someones made one already



That sounds lovely. I don't think anyone has set one up. Please let us know if you do - I'll put some money in on Tuesday though I can only put in a fiver at mo. I think that message is lovelt. 
And putting "online friends" is probably more appropriate than saying Bluelight. 

You're right if he didn't want his family to know he was on here when he was alive then it's fair to respect his wishes now that he is no longer with us. I only asked as I really didnt want to put my foot in it. 

I sent a PM to swamp n wondered if there could be a way of having a card made with our names put on as online friends but not sure if that's possible??? 

MDB you're right things are not simple. I just think that a RIP thread is not enough n we should do more somehow  

One good thing to come out of this (if it could be called that) is that we're all pulling together thinking of different ideas n stuff.


----------



## smokemctoke420

mydrugbuddy said:


> I cant attend the funeral, but i would like to do something, is there any consensus that getting a wreath of flowers sent 'from his online friends' would be the very least we could do ? I think we should honour him and pay our respects in some other way than just posting on here, as many people who might have wanted to attend the funeral might not be able to make it?
> 
> I could arrange for this to happen, find an interflora type store in the area, and they would know how to handle this in the best way. If anyone else wants to chip in, please let me know in this thread or by PM. Or if mods want to take charge of that, thats fine. I have the time to do this.



I would love to donate so someone PM me when shit gets on the road, please. 



Swarm said:


> MDB
> 
> Don't feel in anyway that your idea was way out there. Knocks sister was also a recovering heroin addict, and his nephew was well aware of his BL activities.
> 
> Also, while I take on board what sing wie and others are  saying  I'm with stoney. I know the guys in the U.S are hurting too, but being a former suicide attemptie myself I read SHM's posts the same as he does.
> 
> I once made the decision to take my own life because of all the blood sweat and tears and I had poured into my uni degree, only to be denied a phd interview (by a guy I know had told others that I was capable). in the end my grade was the out cone of one of those house of cards  time management things. I knew I was capable but I didn't have the stupid piece of paper to let me do what I needed to do ie. go on to do research in my chosen field.
> 
> I've oversimplified a lot of stuff necessarily, but I know from personal experience how this shit can play out.
> 
> I'm angry and I want answers!



Thats sound it runs in his family but thats how most of ours are. And yeah, even tho 98% of us US'ers probaly havent met him  we still care about him and notice that his posts are one of a kind  Knock



Eveleivibe said:


> That sounds lovely. I don't think anyone has set one up. Please let us know if you do - I'll put some money in on Tuesday though I can only put in a fiver at mo. I think that message is lovelt.
> And putting "online friends" is probably more appropriate than saying Bluelight.
> 
> You're right if he didn't want his family to know he was on here when he was alive then it's fair to respect his wishes now that he is no longer with us. I only asked as I really didnt want to put my foot in it.
> 
> I sent a PM to swamp n wondered if there could be a way of having a card made with our names put on as online friends but not sure if that's possible???
> 
> MDB you're right things are not simple. I just think that a RIP thread is not enough n we should do more somehow
> 
> One good thing to come out of this (if it could be called that) is that we're all pulling together thinking of different ideas n stuff.



I to dont get paid till tuesday and all i got is a tener but im willing to put it in there.

We should make it go black for a day IMO. Rest easy Michael 

Edit: someone PM me when you guys get the word on donations please and thanks.


----------



## Kronos

Man this is driving me mad, put in all idfo thats needed and get the message

'Please have another look at the fields highlighted below

Please choose the person you’re remembering.'

Eve tried putting fake info for the whole thing, but still get that error mesage, not sure why as i've fillled every fucking thing out on the page.


----------



## Kronos

Right i was being a fucking retard for the last few hours.

Page is up - http://www.justgiving.com/MrMichael

Anyone got a better idea for the page title, let me know

And i need to update me 'story', if anyone wants to write a short paragraph about why we're doing this it will be appreciated and i will put it on there.

Raising money for the MS society.

I'll kick it off with £20 for you Mr Knockando


----------



## Kronos

I paid with paypal and they tacked on an extra £5 GiftAid , could a mod edit the title of this thread tp include the link, and poost it in any other threads if there are knock threads.

Again the link is

https://www.justgiving.com/MrMichael

If anyone has any pictures of knock at any meet ups or owt, please post so I can update the gallery, and if anyone wants to write a paragraph about why for the 'story' bit on the page, please do and PM me it and il update it all in the morning. Night guys x


----------



## Eveleivibe

Kronos you're a very sweet, kind n thoughtful person to do that do you know that?! xxxx


----------



## Kronos

Its just so when i run off with the money i can be far enough away before people realize and start looking 

Does this mean you've forgiven me for t'other day?  xx


----------



## Eveleivibe

Kronos said:


> Its just so when i run off with the money i can be far enough away before people realize and start looking
> 
> Does this mean you've forgiven me for t'other day?  xx



Lol you've not done anything to me for me to forgive, have you????
I've sent you an E-mail (or PM as they call it in BL) xxxx


----------



## amanitadine

Thank you for setting that up Kronos. Donated a 20...didn't realize the USD was so feeble against the pound! Anyways, thanks


----------



## masaz

Cheers for that. Will chuck some money in when I get paid tomorrow.


----------



## Eveleivibe

Awh those messages left for Knock are so incredibly loving n thoughtful I had tears in my eyes reading them. Tuesday can't come fast enough so I can donate I get my child benefit then. Shows how loved n appreciated he was. 
We've lost someone so unique n special in this world but I think we're all honoured to have known him whether online or in real life. I'll never forget the help he gave me n as I've said before I only wished that I could somehow repay him xxxx

Oh Knock, why did you have to go so soon????


----------



## monstanoodle

Brilliant job puttin the page up guys 
I will add to it Wed...
.. Fuuuuck it's still so surreal


----------



## ScotchMist

Niceone Kronos...Just added some to your scam giving page, you ain't doing me out of 20 notes for your hols though 

Love to Knock


----------



## Tangerine Dream

This is one of the reasons I don't post or visit here much any more 

So sad to hear the terrible news. And agreed Kronos that's a great thing you've done.


----------



## RLP

Kronos said:


> Right i was being a fucking retard for the last few hours.
> 
> Page is up - http://www.justgiving.com/MrMichael
> 
> Anyone got a better idea for the page title, let me know
> 
> And i need to update me 'story', if anyone wants to write a short paragraph about why we're doing this it will be appreciated and i will put it on there.
> 
> *Raising money for the MS society.*
> 
> I'll kick it off with £20 for you Mr Knockando



Thank you for doing this Kronos. I would have set up a page myself but I wanted to make sure this community was agreed on the MS Society before pushing it. Seems like you all came to a consensus on it though which is great. I believe it's the right choice and I'm really pleased looking through the donations to see not just £'s, but $s and Es, something very rare for fundraisers which aren't for celebs or what not. Also really nice to see that the 'target' has been smashed in a couple of hours, especially when this forum isn't well known for it's array of well-off members. Both of those things show how well respected and a vital member of this community Knock was.

I'll stick in some pennies when I get home but everyone who's donated or does in the near future give yourselves a big pat on the back. Would suggest though that this isn't the final thing for Knock - if you would all take a little of him and be less bitchy, less judging, more open to discussion and debate and respecting the views of others, regardless of how Brimzy it comes across, then he lives on in all of you.


----------



## mydrugbuddy

Nice one Kronos with the just giving page. Anyone else want to contribute towards some flowers for the funeral ?


----------



## smokemctoke420

I will be donating $15 Tuesday morning.  I only talked to him once in here but he was the one to finally get me full site on my phone and it was a big help. I've never read anything negative about Knock. Sounds like a solid guy in my book. R.I.P. Knock


----------



## swampdragon

snolly said:


> I assume Swampy's intentions were for you to PM us mods if you genuinely wish to attend his funeral, as it states 'everyone welcome'. Just waiting for her to clarify that with me though


Oh, yeah, that was the idea. I just didn't think it was a great plan having the full details in this thread. I PMed you guys the details as I might not be around much next week to answer PMs.. and sadly I won't be able to attend the funeral due to work, anyway. 



mydrugbuddy said:


> Anyone else want to contribute towards some flowers for the funeral ?


Sure.. but I'm not sure how that's done? Is it just a case of ordering flowers from a local florist and telling them the details? Either way, if you figure it out, I'll contribute a little.


----------



## Eveleivibe

mydrugbuddy said:


> Nice one Kronos with the just giving page. Anyone else want to contribute towards some flowers for the funeral ?



Yes would love to but ive no money untl Wednesday  i've my child nenefit coming Tuesday but that's only £20.30 n I want to donate some of that to this MS for knock. Please PM me what I'd need to do to donate towards flowers?


----------



## masaz

swampdragon said:


> Oh, yeah, that was the idea. I just didn't think it was a great plan having the full details in this thread. I PMed you guys the details as I might not be around much next week to answer PMs.. and sadly I won't be able to attend the funeral due to work, anyway.



Ok, I figured that was the idea, just wanted to double check. So PM us mods for the funeral details, guys.


----------



## amanitadine

Michaels death has rattled me more than I would have expected...being about the same age, and getting to" know him " the past 4 years...but he was still just "some smart and funny caring guy on the Internet"...it has made me really examine my drug use and motivation to "be happy"...

I'm nowhere near where I was, say ten or fifteen years ago, but drug taking at this point is more escapist, hedonistic, and counter productive than it used to be...I don't know, maybe "the drugs just don't work" anymore...

But surely joy can be had in life, and it doesn't have to end like this. If I am feeling like this I hate to think what his family is feeling.

RIP Michael 

And FFS be careful people, seek help if you need it...if you fail, keep trying  it's gotta get better with time..


----------



## masaz

Fucking hell, 228% of the target already. Big  to everyone who's donated


----------



## Eveleivibe

Wow someone has given £50 oh that's ace. No matter what people say about "druggies," they ought to come here n see that good that being done out of something so very terrible. To see how everyone is coming together to do something in Knock's memory. And the fact a lot of people don't have much money here speaks volumes on the good of people here. Oh I wish so much that Knock could see all this xxxx


----------



## ScotchMist

Tis lovely... although I dont like been the tightest one on there... tis all this peasant could muster though


----------



## masaz

Eveleivibe said:


> Wow someone has given £50 oh that's ace. No matter what people say about "druggies," they ought to come here n see that good that being done out of something so very terrible. To see how everyone is coming together to do something in Knock's memory. And the fact a lot of people don't have much money here speaks volumes on the good of people here. Oh I wish so much that Knock could see all this xxxx



Yeah exactly, we ain't all bad. Even people here who are skint are giving money. It's really encouraging to see. Put in £20 myself, hope we keep on going


----------



## Acid4Blood

Haven't been here much lately so just heard of this terrible news. Another great man bites the dust. RIP knock


----------



## mydrugbuddy

OK, there's logistical problems getting flowers delivered to creamatoriums unless you have the funeral directors name, or the families address, as unless they have either of those details or dont get the timing just right, it could all go wrong, and they could miss the service. Also Id need to get any donations paid into my paypal account quickly to get this done on time and to know how much was available to spend on the flowers and the delivery charges. I can see things not working out properly with this idea, so think we'd all be better just sticking to the one Justgiving page set up by Kronos.

Not that money is the issue here, but getting a really nice display can cost up to the amount allready donated to the MS page. We'd be better all sticking to that, as one single fund all going towards that page will have a more long lasting effect.

Any one think that adding a picture of him to the justgiving page from one of his facebook pictures is a good idea or not ?


----------



## monstanoodle

Maybe just a pic of the charity's logo? Then again it is because of the wonders of Mike that this has been done in the first place.... hmmm.. Other's thoughts on the matter?

I just wanted to say how brilliant it is that the (very low) target has been utterly smashed!
* ^_^ *

I remember from the page made from Evad's passing that the target can be raised continually - Maybe it'd be worth doing? 

Love to all the love  EADD is a truly special place no matter who says otter (small mammal) wise xxx


----------



## mydrugbuddy

Is anyone going to tell Michaels sister about the justgiving page ? Is it a good idea to let her know or not ? 

She's the person who's been doing the facebook communications. £323 so far. Actions speak louder than words sometimes


----------



## Si Dread

mydrugbuddy said:


> Is anyone going to tell Michaels sister about the justgiving page ? Is it a good idea to let her know or not ?
> 
> She's the person who's been doing the facebook communications.



All the comments seem pretty benign to me. I can't see why not let her know that some small good has come from such a tragedy. If Swarm gets asked, he can always say it was a music based web forum. Knock did after all like to "dance like a loon on acid & MDMA", so his family might have noticed he liked music...

That line makes me sad every time. It really shouldn't should it? It should make me smile. It doesn't.


----------



## masaz

Honestly think just giving to the charity on the first page would be enough, and better than having flowers sent, but maybe that's just me and maybe people want to do both


----------



## Shambles

Think it sunk in a bit over the weekend. Was a bit out of it (hardly a surprise 8)) but with what felt like a rather deep undercurrent of melancholia. Did not feel... as expected. This is surely a Good Thing though cos it was weeks - if not months - before Lin's death started to really sink in. I've noticed I've gotten better at dealing with emotions - not good at, but better than before - this last year or so. Maybe instead of just getting a bit old I'm actually getting a bit mature. Little bit. Smidge. Heading in the right direction anyway.

Nice work on the donations too, folks. I can't actually recall whether I get paid this week or next week, either way I'll chip in a lil something as and when available. Would love to make it up to the funeral, but can't and I suspect it'd be a lil awkward anyway so probably for the best. Would be nice to _do_ something though and donating to such a suitable charity seems apt. I'm sure Michael would appreciate the choice of charity and the enthusiastic and generous donations over such a brief period. Nice to see that even druggy wasters can - and do - think of others when suitably moved.


----------



## Kronos

You guys are absolutely incredible, thank you all who donated & sent good wishes. I thought we'd get £100 if we're lucky, guess it just shows how much knock was and is loved on here


----------



## Eveleivibe

I dont feel comfortable with lying. It will lead to more lies. Eg she might want to know what music forum if you made one up she may want to thank them n explore. Maybe they are aware of BL? I'm not suggesting tell them but I dom't like the lies. Why are we acting ashamed of BL when we are clearly showing that there is good coming from here n that knock did so much good?  It just seems wrong somehow......


----------



## Si Dread

Eveleivibe said:


> I dont feel comfortable with lying. It will lead to more lies. Eg she might want to know what music forum if you made one up she may want to thank them n explore. Maybe they are aware of BL? I'm not suggesting tell them but I dom't like the lies. Why are we acting ashamed of BL when we are clearly showing that there is good coming from here n that knock did so much good?  It just seems wrong somehow......



fair point...


----------



## Ben So Furry

It's got nothing to do with be ashamed of BL. If the family didn't know about what Knock got up to behind closed doors then I don't think this is a good way or time to find out. I wouldn't want to find out this way. What seems normal to us may shock others. I'd hate to think that by doing something that seems innocent would in some cause distress or heaven forbid soil Knocks memory for his family. They have got enough to worry about with the funeral coming up. We are doing our thing in memory of Michael with the just giving page to demonstrate what he meant to us. Lets not cause any undue hurt to his family  at a difficult time and leave it at that please.


----------



## parttime crackhead

Why don't you just say his online friends? Or his friends from _a_ forum? You don't need to lie and say it's a music forum, you don't need to tell the whole truth and say it's bluelight.org.


----------



## Si Dread

parttime crackhead said:


> Why don't you just say his online friends? Or his friends from _a_ forum? You don't need to lie and say it's a music forum, you don't need to tell the whole truth and say it's bluelight.org.



I think what was worrying folk was that if someone in the family innocently asks "oh where online is that then?", being fore-armed with "oh just some music site" or "facebook" might be better than having no answer & squirming about a bit.

I wasn't suggesting lets all lie just for the sake of it, & niether do I think it a good idea to divulge anything about BL without being 1000% certain that no-ones going to be shocked by that... & how can any of us be sure of that?


----------



## parttime crackhead

I think, to play it safe, just donating the money to the charity is plenty. I understand that his sister seeing that people cared enough to donate money could be a nice thing for her, but other than that why does anyone need to know? Isn't donating the money in itself good enough?

I'm beyond skint just now but I'll donate some money when I get paid.


----------



## Inflorescence

ben so furry said:


> it's got nothing to do with be ashamed of bl. If the family didn't know about what knock got up to behind closed doors then i don't think this is a good way or time to find out. I wouldn't want to find out this way. What seems normal to us may shock others. I'd hate to think that by doing something that seems innocent would in some cause distress or heaven forbid soil knocks memory for his family. They have got enough to worry about with the funeral coming up. We are doing our thing in memory of michael with the just giving page to demonstrate what he meant to us. Lets not cause any undue hurt to his family  at a difficult time and leave it at that please.



*this*


----------



## Shambles

Thirded. I'm reasonably sure his family were unaware of his BL activities and quite probably only dimly aware at best of his lifestyle. I honestly don't think his family would appreciate visiting "that nice forum who donated so kindly on Michael's behalf"  and finding several dozen posts about various chemicals up his backside, subsequent incoherent postings (his last post would surely be the first they checked... not one I'd like to be the introduction of my BL existence to family) and frequent mentions of - and indeed pix, I think - of his cock. I do believe his family are somewhat... "posh" and highly unlikely to approve of much of what he shared with us.

Donating alone is fine in my book. There's really no need to make a song and dance about it. Yes it would be great if the family could know quite how loved he was by so many "internet strangers" but I really don't think it's a good time for them to find out about the "other side" of his life.


----------



## Eveleivibe

Ben So Furry said:


> It's got nothing to do with be ashamed of BL. If the family didn't know about what Knock got up to behind closed doors then I don't think this is a good way or time to find out. I wouldn't want to find out this way. What seems normal to us may shock others. I'd hate to think that by doing something that seems innocent would in some cause distress or heaven forbid soil Knocks memory for his family. They have got enough to worry about with the funeral coming up. We are doing our thing in memory of Michael with the just giving page to demonstrate what he meant to us. Lets not cause any undue hurt to his family  at a difficult time and leave it at that please.



"sigh" You're probably right.  It may cause unnecessary hurt or colour view.  His parents are in their 80s n they already lost one son now Knock they all don't need more shocks unnecessarily.  We're doing our bit to help Knock n his family n that's what counts xxxx

T.E.S true.  Of course we don't need thanks.  I was not thinking that n I apologise if that's how it sounded.  I meant if they wanted to say thanks (some people are that way).  So sorry if it came out that I was thinking of us wanting to be thanked in any way xxxx

Sorry for so many 'edits' trying to reply to all these posts n not be ignorant but yes I totally agree donating is enough xxxx


----------



## Si Dread

please edit that post Eve, & you Shambles, thanks xx Love ya darling 

... post editted out of respect for Knocks Sister/family, who have so kindly posted below 

Probably a bit post-horse barn door but it's the thought that counts!

Perhaps anyone who might've also quoted Shams slightly too honest comment, or who might've quoted me, would be kind enough to do that same.


----------



## bummer

No probably about it. 
Anonymity is essential here. 
Giving out your real name here is an act of trust, taking away someone's anonymity without consent would be a betrayal of that trust.




Eveleivibe said:


> "sigh" You're probably right.


----------



## Raasyvibe

Can I just say shocked I am at how generous the contributions to the charity are.

Considering the amount of cash I've chucked around on the forum and donated in recent months, I decided not to donate to the charity. But, being so touched by the heartfelt donations of other members (some at £50), in respect of that spirit of goodwill, I have now joined in and hope others do so.


----------



## Uncle Robert

bummer said:


> Giving out your real name here is an act of trust, taking away someone's anonymity without consent would be a betrayal of that trust.



Nice


----------



## Shambles

Eveleivibe said:


> Ahhhh I don't know about any of that, only had a codeine addiction n been on suboxone.



The latter of which is especially good stuck up one's backside. Although - bewarned - it's about double as potent. If not more.

Somewhat off-topic but given this is Knock's RIP Thread it seems as appropriate as it gets


----------



## Shambles

Ha! Well - technically - it is injecting... just that the orifice you are injecting into is pre-existing 

It's exactly the same process only involved no needle (for obvious reasons ). And many drugs - particular opies and psyches and stims - are _significantly_ more potent up the tradesman's.

But that's quite enough plugging talk for an RIP Thread. Probably shouldn't have mentioned it at all but... I did. Ask in any other thread if you want actual details. (Although after your recent GIbberings posting I'm guessing plugging is the last thing you need right now :D)


----------



## Sister2Knock

Dear All, I am Michael's sister and I want to post some info and correct a couple of things.
My cousin and I have looked at this thread and we want to thank you for your caring for Michael.
He was a tremendously loving and generous son, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew and friend, as well as a contributor to this community. His family loved him very much and he loved us back.
He died last Friday in his home alone. Why? The post mortem showed no reason. But as you all well know he may have recklessly taken something which stopped his heart or his breathing. 
It was a terrible waste. And our heartbreak over his loss will be with us for as long as we live. 
We know he wanted to find a deeper purpose for his life. He felt deeply and thought deeply and wanted to make the world a better place. 
A Few things:
We appreciate the generosity of those who have contributed to the MS society in his name. At the same time, it feels uncomfortable because his brother who is dealing with MS is a very private person and we don't want to draw attention to him. 
About flowers: We have asked people not to send flowers. There will be wildflowers. Send your beautiful thoughts, and help make sure nobody else senselessly dies too young.
We have seen the posts about Michael being demoted as a mod. We know that would have been a blow to him. But we don't believe he harmed himself deliberately or because of anyone here. Please don't blame yourselves or one another.
Michael had pain he did not share.
My brother posted that I was a heroin addict for a while. Well that's just not true. I have never used heroin -- or any other opiate beyond co-codamol for toothache. I'm simply baffled how he got that idea. My cousin said he told her I'd written it in a family letter. I wish he'd talked to me about it so I could have set him right. Somehow that idea became a memory for him, but it was a false one.
 I wish Michael had been more cautious. I wish he'd found his purpose, found his happiness in life. I will miss him always. 
After you have had time to process and share, we humbly ask that you remove this thread and his profile. His family and close friends deserve privacy. I don't think Michael would want his parents or his niece and nephew to see this. 
He valued the people in this community I know you valued him. Keep him in your hearts, stay safe and seek your happiness. That's what he would have wanted.... 

Peace


----------



## Sister2Knock

Respectfully we ask as a family that the people who use this site do not attend Knock's funeral.


----------



## Sammy G

I can completely understand and respect that, and I hope that Michael's other online friends will honour your privacy and your wishes. 

Thank you for sharing the information that you have shared; it must be hellishly difficult to do so, and neither I nor anybody else can even pretend to imagine how devastated you feel at the loss of your brother. 

Thanks again and all the best to you.


----------



## masaz

Request posted in other thread and closed it. I wish you and your family the best at this awful time.


----------



## ColtDan

My condolences to you, cant begin to comprehend how you and the family must be feeling. thankyou for giving us some insight, and we will respect your wishes

Peace and love


----------



## Pagey

Thank you for posting. knock was an incredibly kind man and I can't begin to comprehend what you and your family must be going through right now but please know that we are all thinking of you.


----------



## shimazu

terrible news

RIP


----------



## Sebastians_ghost

Sister2Knock said:


> Dear All, I am Michael's sister and I want to post some info and correct a couple of things.
> My cousin and I have looked at this thread and we want to thank you for your caring for Michael.
> He was a tremendously loving and generous son, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew and friend, as well as a contributor to this community. His family loved him very much and he loved us back.
> He died last Friday in his home alone. Why? The post mortem showed no reason. But as you all well know he may have recklessly taken something which stopped his heart or his breathing.
> It was a terrible waste. And our heartbreak over his loss will be with us for as long as we live.
> We know he wanted to find a deeper purpose for his life. He felt deeply and thought deeply and wanted to make the world a better place.
> A Few things:
> We appreciate the generosity of those who have contributed to the MS society in his name. At the same time, it feels uncomfortable because his brother who is dealing with MS is a very private person and we don't want to draw attention to him.
> About flowers: We have asked people not to send flowers. There will be wildflowers. Send your beautiful thoughts, and help make sure nobody else senselessly dies too young.
> We have seen the posts about Michael being demoted as a mod. We know that would have been a blow to him. But we don't believe he harmed himself deliberately or because of anyone here. Please don't blame yourselves or one another.
> Michael had pain he did not share.
> My brother posted that I was a heroin addict for a while. Well that's just not true. I have never used heroin -- or any other opiate beyond co-codamol for toothache. I'm simply baffled how he got that idea. My cousin said he told her I'd written it in a family letter. I wish he'd talked to me about it so I could have set him right. Somehow that idea became a memory for him, but it was a false one.
> I wish Michael had been more cautious. I wish he'd found his purpose, found his happiness in life. I will miss him always.
> After you have had time to process and share, we humbly ask that you remove this thread and his profile. His family and close friends deserve privacy. I don't think Michael would want his parents or his niece and nephew to see this.
> He valued the people in this community I know you valued him. Keep him in your hearts, stay safe and seek your happiness. That's what he would have wanted....
> 
> Peace



Sister2Knock, thank you for taking the time to post here.  We will certainly honor your request to delete this thread after people have had a chance to process his passing and anonymize his account.  Your brother touched many people's lives through Bluelight and was a special member of this community.  On behalf of all of us, we offer our deepest condolences to you and your family.

Kindest Regards,

SG


----------



## maxalfie

I'm so glad that we exchanged pm's before it was too late. I wish you could see how much people miss you and how much they thought of you. 
R.I.P


----------



## Inflorescence

Dear Knocks sister,

My sentiments are shared here already but I extend my condolences to you and your family. I think you clearly understand how much Knock meant to everyone here however I do respect you and your family's right to privacy. The MS fundraiser I do believe is a beautiful idea and if some good can come out of such a tragedy that can only be a good thing. If someone else could just PM Kronos to ask them to remove or change the surname on the Just giving page (I am strapped for time right now) anonymity can remain and the gestures can continue financially. I know Kronos had a few problems setting up the page and I think it is a right thing that should carry on. 

Huge love


----------



## masaz

I've already PM'd Kronos asking him to make the donation page anonymous, and we'll continue to donate to it anonymously if that's ok? It would have it's own thread dedicated to a 'lost friend' or similar and make no mention of knock or your family. 

That said, last goodbye to a man I enjoyed working with and who I wish I'd gotten to know a bit more, and love to his family.


----------



## WithMyLife

No.....   

Knock.... Michael.... reached out to me when I was in pain. He wasn't afraid or freaked out, just kind and _there_.

I haven't read the whole thread -- but to knock's sister: I hope you know from this thread that his kindness helped so many people. I am *absolutely sure* that his harm reduction posts have saved lives, and I really really feel for what you're going through.


----------



## Eveleivibe

Goodbye knock. Deepest condolences.


----------



## The Liberal Media

What a terrible loss 
Knock(ando) was one of the first to welcome me back to EADD after a self imposed exile.
He grew to be one of my favorite posters and a great mod.

RIP Dude


----------



## Si Dread

Sister2Knock said:


> Dear All, I am Michael's sister and I want to post some info and correct a couple of things.
> My cousin and I have looked at this thread and we want to thank you for your caring for Michael.
> He was a tremendously loving and generous son, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew and friend, as well as a contributor to this community. His family loved him very much and he loved us back.
> He died last Friday in his home alone. Why? The post mortem showed no reason. But as you all well know he may have recklessly taken something which stopped his heart or his breathing.
> It was a terrible waste. And our heartbreak over his loss will be with us for as long as we live.
> We know he wanted to find a deeper purpose for his life. He felt deeply and thought deeply and wanted to make the world a better place.
> A Few things:
> We appreciate the generosity of those who have contributed to the MS society in his name. At the same time, it feels uncomfortable because his brother who is dealing with MS is a very private person and we don't want to draw attention to him.
> About flowers: We have asked people not to send flowers. There will be wildflowers. Send your beautiful thoughts, and help make sure nobody else senselessly dies too young.
> We have seen the posts about Michael being demoted as a mod. We know that would have been a blow to him. But we don't believe he harmed himself deliberately or because of anyone here. Please don't blame yourselves or one another.
> Michael had pain he did not share.
> My brother posted that I was a heroin addict for a while. Well that's just not true. I have never used heroin -- or any other opiate beyond co-codamol for toothache. I'm simply baffled how he got that idea. My cousin said he told her I'd written it in a family letter. I wish he'd talked to me about it so I could have set him right. Somehow that idea became a memory for him, but it was a false one.
> I wish Michael had been more cautious. I wish he'd found his purpose, found his happiness in life. I will miss him always.
> After you have had time to process and share, we humbly ask that you remove this thread and his profile. His family and close friends deserve privacy. I don't think Michael would want his parents or his niece and nephew to see this.
> He valued the people in this community I know you valued him. Keep him in your hearts, stay safe and seek your happiness. That's what he would have wanted....
> 
> Peace



How very, very kind & very brave of you to visit this place & post such a wonderful message to all those who've, quite simply, been devastated to hear of Michaels passing. We passed each other in the boards & chatted many times, but I can't say we were close. However, he was remarkable intellect & wit & I didn't have to be close to him to know he had a heart of gold. Which is probably why his sould was too good for our stale earth.

I don't just believe in lfe after death. I _know_ it to be so.

So these are only temporary partings, from this mortal coil, in some strange inexplicable way, I know Knock feels the love that I & everyone else here have expressed.

Bless you, everyone in the family & Knocks friends. We won't forget!


----------



## Eveleivibe

Miss you in EADD n we'll never forget you ever we'll hold you in our hearts always xxxx


----------



## Arnold

RIP dude, shame we crossed lines a bit in our latest communications.


----------



## Chatative

Coming back to Bluelight after a long period of inactivity, it is very sad to read of this tragic loss.

R.I.P Knock, you will be remembered.


----------



## foolsgold

still hurts man and now to learn the is no explanation as to why you left us is just one more thing on top of it wish you could read this stuff man really do miss you knock bye mate see you hopefully again one day


----------



## Confield

Oh man. Haven't read BL very closely recently but stumbled upon this terrible news in the Diphenidine thread in PD. Just awful. I remember Knock mostly from EADD, he was always there. Awesome guy.

I am very sad.

Rest in peace.


----------



## THCified

R.i.p.


----------



## pasha

rest in peace.


----------



## Allein

*a_c edit to keep things on topic*

Micheal stepped into the moderator role in EADD during a difficult time, I fully supported the choice but as I stood down quite suddenly felt I should step away and leave the new team to move things on.

I'm not going to claim I knew him well although I had always wanted to know him better, we exchanged a few PMs and I knew a little of his life.

The last message I had from him was unexpected, he was concerned for my welfare and took the time to reach out, I was truly moved by that and it just shows what a selfless person he was.

Safe journey Michael


----------



## Eveleivibe

Allein said:


> *a_c edit to keep things on topic*
> 
> Micheal stepped into the moderator role in EADD during a difficult time, I fully supported the choice but as I stood down quite suddenly felt I should step away and leave the new team to move things on.
> 
> I'm not going to claim I knew him well although I had always wanted to know him better, we exchanged a few PMs and I knew a little of his life.
> 
> The last message I had from him was unexpected, he was concerned for my welfare and took the time to reach out, I was truly moved by that and it just shows what a selfless person he was.
> 
> Safe journey Michael



*a_c edit to keep things on topic*

We may not have known him well but we knew something of him, a different part of him, and got to "spent time with him" so to speak - that's what matters.  I personally, don't think how long you knew a person counts because you can know a person a day n they can have an affect on you, he crossed your path in some way (I hope all this is not coming out wrong n if it is, I'm happy for it to be deleted off...)
The fact he reached out to you is special and you have a piece of him there.  I have one E-mail (PM) n I'm going to keep it unless the server ever gets destroyed.  
I can't begin to imagine the pain his family are going through n I also wish them some sort of peace n comfort 

I was reading through his "Where is xxx" thread, how keen he was about it and keeping it updated.  Think he mentioned that again not long after he'd stopped being a mod, the wanting that to be kept updated.  So maybe you stepping aside when you stood down helped Knock find his feet as a mod?

Thank you, Knock, n RIP


----------



## Delsyd

RIP brother


----------



## Swarm

I don't know why I did this to myself. Why am here. Whatever cunt who made a remark about my attending his funeral being in the name of closure had better watch their fuckin mouth. Closure, what the fuck is that supposed to mean. I gotta get out of here. My chest feels like its about to implode.

Shine on you Crazy Diamond.


----------



## Raasyvibe

What strikes me about Knock...

Is what a caring person he was. I remember him telling us all his cat was ill, he actually paid £400 for an operation whereas most people would have probably had it put down. He showed care for human and animal welfare; think he was mostly vegetarian also. He was genuinely offended by any discriminative comments towards other humans and went out of his way to address and sort those comments out.

It's these qualities which I admire him for and ensure he is a person I will not forget.


----------



## amanitadine

Was thinking about you last night buddy......a tragic loss


----------



## adam west

i didnt really chat to him all that much but when reading his posts i could tell he was a decent, down to earth lad. he always had a way of talking that was his own style and he did his own thing and gave his own views without compromising on what he really thought. 

my thoughts go out to those who knew him personally.

rip knock


----------



## Sister2Knock

People I am posting the following note written by my cousin, and agreed also by Michael's brother and sister-in-law. 


> I am Michael's cousin.We were close and met up regularly. I was aware of his drug use and accepted that it was his choice to do so although he often spoke of his wish to turn his life around and do something  more meaningful. He also told me of his involvement in a "harm reduction "  on line community and of his role as a moderator.
> Having worked in the Mental health field for 40 years I am very familiar with the concept of Harm Reduction and recognize it's usefulness . Since Michael's death I have been able to look at your website and am horrified to  discover that many of the posts don’t look at harm reduction but come close to encouraging one another to take new and untested substances both legal and illegal. I also looked at your Shrine pages and can clearly see that there have been many deaths within your community in recent times .
> Perhaps this is seen as a price your members are prepared to pay in your search for the ultimate high. But it is painful to contemplate the many other families like ours who have suffered and will suffer the loss of a loved one.
> Michael's death may be soon forgotten in your community but to our family and his real friends it is a huge loss of a lovely, generous spirited, funny trusting,  sensitive  person who had so much more to give to the world and will now never have that chance.
> I know that Michael was on line when he took the drug or combination of drugs which killed him and I also know that he asked for advice on what amount would be safe to take. He clearly didn't intend to overdose which is some small comfort.
> He trusted that his friends would give him advice to keep him safe. But of course that is not what happened. Just because one person takes 100mg of a substance and survives, does not mean that it’s ok for another person to take it.
> Michael died, likely because the drug stopped his breathing reflex. And he was a strong young person with no physical disease. None of you know exactly what a person is taking. Nobody is regulating these labs or testing the drugs. I hope you all will think about that.
> I feel angry and distressed that one who had given so much of himself to your community was let down when it really mattered.  Where were the Moderators of this forum?
> I cannot directly blame anyone for Michael's death, as ultimately he was the one who chose to take these drugs. But I hope that you, the owners and members of this community could show a little more respect for life.  Perhaps any money donated charity would be better donated to a charity which does real and effective harm reduction rather than encourage reckless drug use.


----------



## ColtDan

His death will not be soon forgotten, and we dont encourage reckless drug use. although i suppose everybodys perception of reckless are different. advice and guidelines are given from people who have tried and tested stuff, but from what ive seen nobody encourages people to go and hammer random new chemicals, anybody with morals discourages that. There is decent harm reduction advice given a lot, anybody saying theyre attempting a dangerous combination will be discouraged


----------



## Eveleivibe

We will never forget him. 

I hope this doesn't come out wrong but I don't understand half of the drugs. I, myself, had an addiction to codeine-a painkiller and I come here for company - so I genuinely close off to the drugs that people take as I don't understand (only being here mainly for recovery purposes). Michaels helped me, although I only knew him online for a few months, by talking n listening to me, helping me see things in a different way to how I was seeing them. He took time to do that n for that I'll personally never forget him. 

I cannot speak for the site, as I do not have that right. I can only speak for me n how he helped me in the few months I knew him.  What I saw in him was a warm, kind, sincere, intelligent n witty person n it is deeply saddening that he is no longer here n for your loss. I truly mean that. 

I'm sorry that there are no words I could say to you I wish there was. I promise you that we will never forget him here. 

Evey


----------



## Foreigner

> I am Michael's cousin.We were close and met up regularly. I was aware of his drug use and accepted that it was his choice to do so although he often spoke of his wish to turn his life around and do something more meaningful. He also told me of his involvement in a "harm reduction " on line community and of his role as a moderator.
> Having worked in the Mental health field for 40 years I am very familiar with the concept of Harm Reduction and recognize it's usefulness . Since Michael's death I have been able to look at your website and am horrified to discover that many of the posts don’t look at harm reduction but come close to encouraging one another to take new and untested substances both legal and illegal. I also looked at your Shrine pages and can clearly see that there have been many deaths within your community in recent times .
> Perhaps this is seen as a price your members are prepared to pay in your search for the ultimate high. But it is painful to contemplate the many other families like ours who have suffered and will suffer the loss of a loved one.
> Michael's death may be soon forgotten in your community but to our family and his real friends it is a huge loss of a lovely, generous spirited, funny trusting, sensitive person who had so much more to give to the world and will now never have that chance.
> I know that Michael was on line when he took the drug or combination of drugs which killed him and I also know that he asked for advice on what amount would be safe to take. He clearly didn't intend to overdose which is some small comfort.
> He trusted that his friends would give him advice to keep him safe. But of course that is not what happened. Just because one person takes 100mg of a substance and survives, does not mean that it’s ok for another person to take it.
> Michael died, likely because the drug stopped his breathing reflex. And he was a strong young person with no physical disease. None of you know exactly what a person is taking. Nobody is regulating these labs or testing the drugs. I hope you all will think about that.
> I feel angry and distressed that one who had given so much of himself to your community was let down when it really mattered. Where were the Moderators of this forum?
> I cannot directly blame anyone for Michael's death, as ultimately he was the one who chose to take these drugs. But I hope that you, the owners and members of this community could show a little more respect for life.  Perhaps any money donated charity would be better donated to a charity which does real and effective harm reduction rather than encourage reckless drug use.



I interacted with Michael only on a few occasions but I was aware of his work peripherally on Bluelight. His loss has been felt by everyone here, and many of are still grieving it. This is for sure a tragedy no matter what way you look at it. 

Bluelight's mission is harm reduction, and no matter how hard we try we can never have harm elimination. Some of the members Bluelight has lost over the years were some of the most educated, knowledgeable and harm-reduction savvy people you could ever hope to meet; but drug use is a complex issue with many intersecting factors. Sometimes it just takes one of those factors tipping slightly out of balance to cause disastrous results.

We don't encourage "what should I take" topics here, nor do we allow drug solicitation or public requests for sources. We do our best to be couriers of information while putting a lid on the actual supply chain. Over the years there have been countless users who joined this site to declare they are doing drug X, Y and Z and here's how they plan to do it, and it turns out their method was incredibly dangerous. Our interventions have saved many lives, but we can't save them all and that's a sad reality we are reminded of whenever someone in the community is suddenly gone. Drug abstinence is one method of avoiding consequences, but it's not a model we support 100% because people struggling with addiction and mental health will simply go into isolation where they risk a lot of self-harm. 

Our goal here is to provide community, dialogue, and education while doing our best to minimize discussions that could lead to harm. And as you astutely pointed out, even with all of that accurate knowledge, each individual varies. Those individual variations, combined with free will, are the two main factors which can trump any harm reduction.

If you have some suggestions about how we can improve harm reduction on Bluelight in order to prevent further tragedy like Michael's, please please _please_ share them with us. That kind of feedback is something we are always striving to integrate into our model. The site rules and guidelines are always subject to change whenever a better idea for HR innovation comes our way. 

Please take care... and stay in touch if you feel you need to. We will still respect your family's request to delete this thread after a time.


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## subotai

knock was a funny guy, sad to see him not around anymore 

RIP


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## Raasyvibe

Sister2Knock said:


> People I am posting the following note written by my cousin, and agreed also by Michael's brother and sister-in-law.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I am Michael's cousin.We were close and met up regularly. I was aware of his drug use and accepted that it was his choice to do so although he often spoke of his wish to turn his life around and do something more meaningful. He also told me of his involvement in a "harm reduction " on line community and of his role as a moderator.
> Having worked in the Mental health field for 40 years I am very familiar with the concept of Harm Reduction and recognize it's usefulness . Since Michael's death I have been able to look at your website and am horrified to discover that many of the posts don’t look at harm reduction but come close to encouraging one another to take new and untested substances both legal and illegal. I also looked at your Shrine pages and can clearly see that there have been many deaths within your community in recent times .
> Perhaps this is seen as a price your members are prepared to pay in your search for the ultimate high. But it is painful to contemplate the many other families like ours who have suffered and will suffer the loss of a loved one.
> Michael's death may be soon forgotten in your community but to our family and his real friends it is a huge loss of a lovely, generous spirited, funny trusting, sensitive person who had so much more to give to the world and will now never have that chance.
> I know that Michael was on line when he took the drug or combination of drugs which killed him and I also know that he asked for advice on what amount would be safe to take. He clearly didn't intend to overdose which is some small comfort.
> He trusted that his friends would give him advice to keep him safe. But of course that is not what happened. Just because one person takes 100mg of a substance and survives, does not mean that it’s ok for another person to take it.
> Michael died, likely because the drug stopped his breathing reflex. And he was a strong young person with no physical disease. None of you know exactly what a person is taking. Nobody is regulating these labs or testing the drugs. I hope you all will think about that.
> I feel angry and distressed that one who had given so much of himself to your community was let down when it really mattered. Where were the Moderators of this forum?
> I cannot directly blame anyone for Michael's death, as ultimately he was the one who chose to take these drugs. But I hope that you, the owners and members of this community could show a little more respect for life.  Perhaps any money donated charity would be better donated to a charity which does real and effective harm reduction rather than encourage reckless drug use.
Click to expand...







Michaels cousin, thank you for voicing your concern and taking the time to give your thoughts towards the harm reduction emphasis of the site. As a friend of Michael and a prominent poster of the forum he moderated, I would like to pass some comments on to your words:


As a harm reduction site, BL helps many troubled individuals and provides much support for those who battle with addiction, mental problems or worries about drug use. It offers much support to people who come here with problems and aids those simply looking for honest information.

It is true however that many posters here are proponents for drug use - who take an active interest in psychoactive substances, their effects and wish to discuss them with others. I think it's fair to say Michael was amongst those. If this drug discussion leads to an encouragement of drug taking and then subsequent ill-effects or deaths ensue, then this contradicts harm reduction and your post would contain a very considerable point. However, I will say largely, even for those who wish to take drugs recreationally, safety and harm avoidance are always priorities. Dangerous drug taking is never advised and giving out dangerous advice deliberately may see one banned from the site.

In terms of Michaels actual death:

The recommended dosage of 100mg diphenidine which was suggested to him is considered a safe dosage from what I can see - searching around the 'net already I can see people claiming to have taken upto 750mg in a single session. As the substance caused death, it is very likely that Michael deliberately exceeded the recommended dosage, perhaps in search of a more intense high, or to prolong the existing high. Michael was noted on the forum for not always being shy of taking high doses. You may find it upsetting to discuss the idea of suicide, so I will respectively not go into detail - but will say it is still a possibility that he may have made a deliberate decision whilst under the influence to consume a lethal dose - he had spoken of a previous suicide attempt and late posts indicate he may still have had those tendencies. I will stop talking speculatively on his death now, as this thread is intended to pay respect towards Michael and many will find talk on this issue upsetting. If you wish to discuss the matter further you may contact me by PM, or other friends he had made on this site.


As for The Bluelight Shrine: please remember a lot of very troubled and ill individuals come to this site and it is unlikely that the site itself was responsible for their deaths. The shrine at least gives us a chance to pay respect to those individuals and show that we care. It is also worth noting that many lives may well have been saved through the site. There is a very supportive community who do a lot to support people who come here with varying drug-related problems.

I hope I have shed some light on your concerns and wish you and all family the best in coming to terms with your loss.


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## Eveleivibe

Still think of you, Knock, this place is not the same without you here xxxx 

Evey


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## foolsgold

same here evey you missed my birthday knock


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## THCified

May i ask what substance caused his death?

Edit: Is this question not allowed or has this already been answered in the previous pages of this Thread?


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## Jesusgreen

Damn, I don't know how I managed to miss this completely but somehow in my late inactivity I did. Already said this in a couple of the other shrine threads today but.. so many deaths lately it's eerie.

Knock was a real nice guy and one of the people I had a lot of respect for here, it feels like only yesterday that he was helping me out with some questions in PM and he was always one to share information for the better of others. First Sepher and now Knock - two people I really respected who I'd just got talking to not too long before they passed, imagining we'd get on well and be conversing for a long time, only to have something like this pop out and surprise you.

My thoughts go out to everyone who knew him better than I did and to his family in particular. You should know that the posts here are only a tiny echo of the impact I'm sure he's made on oh so many people here at BL, and outside it. 

Hope you're doing well and wherever you are now isn't as shoddy as this place


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## masaz

THCified said:


> May i ask what substance caused his death?
> 
> Edit: Is this question not allowed or has this already been answered in the previous pages of this Thread?



We don't fully know and are avoiding speculation on it


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## mydrugbuddy

It would have been Knock's birthday today. He's lost to us, but certainly not forgotten. My thoughts go out to his family and RL friends on this day. I still miss the guy and i suspect i allways will.


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## Eveleivibe

mydrugbuddy said:


> It would have been Knock's birthday today. He's lost to us, but certainly not forgotten. My thoughts go out to his family and RL friends on this day. I still miss the guy and i suspect i allways will.



Awh... agreed, MDB!  Thanks for letting us all know that.  Hope he's happy and at peace now on the other side, wherever that may be.  

Evey


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## foolsgold

still not a day goes by where he doesn't pop up for some reason in my mind i truly lost a crutch that night he past he was what was keeping me going at the time


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## Eveleivibe

So it's almost a year
EADD is richer because of you n my regret is I never had a chance to get to know you better.....
We haven't forgotten you  n NEVER will. 
Thinking of you..... 
RIP

Evey


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## Sister2Knock

It's a year. One of the worst ever for us. Missing Michael. World a poorer place without him.


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## mydrugbuddy

Thinking of Knock today as i do on many days, a year since he was taken from us. I still miss him very much indeed. I cant begin to imagine what it must be like for his close family.


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## Ismene

Still sadly missing old knock.


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## foolsgold

christ is over a year since we lost him


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## Eveleivibe

Yea round February 28. Miss him xxxx

 

Evey


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## Help?!?!

Love you knock and all you inspired.....


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## Confield

Stay cool, knock, wherever you are.


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## ScotchMist

Forever cool


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## Eveleivibe

Knock I'm sorry I was not here on your two-year anniversary but I thought of you that day n asked Raasy to put a comment up. You're still remembered by so many n for all you did. EADD is becoming busy again now. I hope your family n friends are ok n that you are happy wherever you are. I'm not sure what else to say only that I felt it respectful to put a comment here as two years has gone by. 

 Never forgotten. 

Evey


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## Teen Age Riot

Much love and many many tears Mister.  

you were/are so so beautiful.


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## Marmz

So are so fucking beautiful Mister.


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