# the lesbian guide to eating pussy (every man must read)



## magpi

right boys you think your got the gift of the tounge
think you kno whow to use uit well guess again
get the not pad out and start taking notes cause this is how its done and done properly

The lesbian approved guide to eating pussy. 


Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they don’t like it but because it is really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so it’s time we broke it down. Like this. 
The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.
Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, “Although I am about to rock your insides with 3,000 pounds of explosives, here’s a little treat session to show you how I really feel.” Instead of a screamed “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ohmygodohmygodohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or a “Calgon, take me away” ad.
Break it down!

Be Down
Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes will be forgiven.

Don’t Say High to Dry
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for a while. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping.
Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.
Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950’s milkshake with two straws.
Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78 percent of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire. 

Submarine Mission for You, Baby
Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on a vacation.
Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.
Stat by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away with those stupid tits, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move toward the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head to the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.
When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s the actual cunt. By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.
Extra Trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all know that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin’ crawdaddies.
Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

Parting the Red Seas
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the Cavity Creeps are to dental hygiene. You’re never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PiL album That What Is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.

The Grand Entrance
Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these St. Bernard licks before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick).
This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive, she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue tendonitis.

Rock the Boat
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If you’re getting tired of being a ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who’s boss. 
After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden you’re giving the pee hole the seeing-to of its life. Think of the clit as a tumor in a pile of earlobes. When you push down on the area, he’s the only one that can’t be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention on getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.
Extra-important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.

Identifying the Clit Type
After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori; ones that enjoy a serious going-over and ones that don’t. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.
Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes, and sensitivities; but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning, but the only way you can tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach, but just do the best you can. All I can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and “Oh my God” means bring it on.

Clits That Need a Serious Going-over
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now he’s on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an airtight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. He’s not going to tell you shit because he’s a clit and he has no idea of what you’re talking about, but kick his ass anyways. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.
As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.
Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Micmac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.
Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multiorgasmic, you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down.

Clits That Don’t
Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here, pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.

The Conclusion
Once you’re done (totally finished), she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.

EXTRA BONUS TRACKS

Getting Fired
If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start pulling you up, you’ve just been sacked. She’ll tell you she never cums from that anyway, but the truth is you suck at sucking. Just give her a jolly good rogering and look at the whole thing as a learning experience. Later you can ask what the problem was so you can get it right the next time. If you’re really lame, you can ask for a regular play-by-play from the broadcast booth. A bit of the old “slow-down-you’re-going-to-fast-yeah-there-like-that-oh-that’s-perfect” can turn even the John Wayne Bobbitt of pussy eaters into a Doug Hart.

The Power Lunch
Nothing keeps you in the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck munch. Pulling out in the middle of the race may leave her a bit confused, but it’s a great way for all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a bit and it reminds her neglected clitoris that he’s a somebody. If after a few seconds she still isn’t into it, you can save face by pretending you just couldn’t resist. Give it up and get back to the boff.
Extra tip: Unless you like the taste of your own latex-covered dink, keep your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the whole.

The Bottom
Fingers: If you are dealing with a particularly saucy vixen she may want something in her bum. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be saved until the end. Incidentally, if you’re trying to introduce a bum finger as a good thing, try eking it in during orgasm. If it doesn’t wreck everything you could have a Pavlovian response on your hands for the rest of the relationship.
Hole: We’re not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this section because if you’re into that, you’re way too advanced for this seminar and should have graduated with a PhD in pussy years ago.
Cheeks: Bum-cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred thousand nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a slap while you lick the pussy will get you instant results.

The Double Whammy
Though some idiots (like me) say it takes away from when you actually put in the dink, simultaneous fingering is a great way to totally blow her mind. Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunnilingus.

Being Knackered
Tongue exhaustion is the number-one cause of abandoned mange-ing, but there are many ways to avoid it. Like we said, using your tongue as an inanimate object is a great way to give it a rest. Stick it out as far as if can go and tense it. Then bite into it with your teeth and move it around the cunt using your neck muscles. Another solution is simply to use your fingers on the clit while you give your mouth a rest.


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## questionmark

magpi said:
			
		

> Be Down
> Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes will be forgiven.



blowjobs shouldnt be favors either and if the chick going down on me isnt into it then its a pretty big buzzkill for me too. 

thats all ive read up to so far and i already have a problem with this guide.


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## Strawberry_lovemuffin

Goddamn.  Well I think this sounds pretty spot-on, and I hereby unselfishly offer up my services if anyone needs to practice


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## Winding Vines

I like the advice about using your mouth as a vaccuuming cleaner.. and watch the hips if she raises her pussy up that means catch the clit if the sinks her hips in get a little closer to the hood, dont forget the hood! I myself get off from clit and hood stimulation and when my boy presses against my hood while sucking my clit i rub my snatch all over the face and love it!

BTW if you have a lovely woman who does love anal stimulation always ask her if your finger feels ok, sometimes you wont notice a "tiny" hang nail, but as good as it feels to her afterwards the asshole WILL be sore, and I know i hate it when i have to let my asshole recover.  And find out if she likes double stimulation with clit, I love it when he fingers my pussy and my asshole at the same time.

I think communication is key regardless to the guide, when i first started becoming intimate with MGS he would always apologize for interrupting the "snack" but it number one encouraged trust and he learned to read my body language, sometimes you have to put down the pride and ask, does this feel good, what do you like most...? even if it makes you work an extra 5 mintues.  
But after that now its like a rollercoaster, i ride his mouth like my own personal play toy and he slops it up like sugar.. We even got to the point where i can ejaculate from the right stimulation.


His mouth is like gold to me, he is even better than a lesbian..


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## quiet roar

Strawberry_lovemuffin said:
			
		

> Goddamn.  Well I think this sounds pretty spot-on, and I hereby unselfishly offer up my services if anyone needs to practice


Stop teasing me like that


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## magpi

Strawberry_lovemuffin said:
			
		

> Goddamn.  Well I think this sounds pretty spot-on, and I hereby unselfishly offer up my services if anyone needs to practice



only if there is mongos involved


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## Winding Vines

Strawberry_lovemuffin said:
			
		

> Goddamn.  Well I think this sounds pretty spot-on, and I hereby unselfishly offer up my services if anyone needs to practice




SLM why dont we bag both of them and we can go play behind the bleachers...


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## 69!

I will have to read this when I am sober and not right after work...because I like licking my girl, she liked it a lot when I had my two tongue piercings but she still does, I just, well she can usualy cum really fast when I am down there, which is a sort of a turn off for her because after she cums theres no way I can go inside, not only does it hurt, it gets so damn tight, like a nun's arse!


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## GoddessLSD-XTC

I find it helps (if her clit is pea-sized) to insert a finger to massage the spongy, swollen G-spot on the top about two inches inside the vagina.

Since I don't have a clit (don't ask) when guys get down on me I tell them it doesn't turn me on: I like to fuck.


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## Mysticalis

Good refresher reading.  Now I just need volunteers to hone my craft on.....


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## LoveAlways

Strawberry_lovemuffin said:
			
		

> Goddamn.  Well I think this sounds pretty spot-on, and I hereby unselfishly offer up my services if anyone needs to practice



That sounds like fun!! 

This was a great read. Not only did it turn me on, but it seemed very accurate. Thanks for the help!


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## magpi

you are all welcum


being one who loves to feast apon the chicken fish (sorry bad joke but you get that at times) when i foudn this i was so over joid that i ahd to share it
as i have hard to many of my female friends bitch about guys going down for a growl (again sorry for the bad puns) and just not hitting any of the right spots


i would also like ot add to this a littel story that will help every girl teach her man just how to use his fingers

there once was a little man rowing in his little boat but he want quite strong enough so he needed a little help
so i'll take you to fingers one either side of him
then then you slowly and gentrly help him row his little boat
and when it gets to the other side take his little hood off every so nicly and with just ine finger stroke his head around and around you go
but always remeber to splash alittle water on him or he will get red and angry and want be abel to row again for a little wahile
oh deear his little boat has strung a leak you minght need to plug it with two extra fingers
but first you might wan tto bale the little boat out so keep dipping in and pulling out 
just a little fater now as the waters rushing 
but you must remeber to help him keep rowning
 to get to the toher shore

hoep that helps as well


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## kittyinthedark

Mysticalis said:
			
		

> Good refresher reading.  Now I just need volunteers to hone my craft on.....



Comin to milwaukee any time soon??


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## Pharcyde

sweeeeeeeeeeeet nice post


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## masaz

That was pretty useful.....:D


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## Average Whiteboy

Screw this guide, I haven't had any complaints yet.


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## frizzantik

magpi said:
			
		

> Men suck at eating pussy.



yes, and women who don't have sex with men are the best people to judge this

anyways, nothing in your post was ground breaking or anything.. anyone who has had enough experience going down on women could figured out those tips, regardless of what is between their legs.  Women have the advantage in that they have more access to the practice equipment, but it's not like men can't learn.

I'd take the pepsi challenge against a girl anyday


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## Pharcyde

Im going to bump this for a whole year


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## Mysticalis

kittyinthedark said:
			
		

> Comin to milwaukee any time soon??



Only if you post more nekkids in the Lounge.


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## therollingstoner

frizzantik said:
			
		

> yes, and women who don't have sex with men are the best people to judge this
> 
> anyways, nothing in your post was ground breaking or anything.. anyone who has had enough experience going down on women could figured out those tips, regardless of what is between their legs.  Women have the advantage in that they have more access to the practice equipment, but it's not like men can't learn.
> 
> I'd take the pepsi challenge against a girl anyday





True, most of it I did know, but it was a good read nonetheless. Ive just recently started eating the pink taco again with the new gf (Oh how I love it). How any man could not enjoy doing this is beyond me. (unless shes smelly, unshaved etc) I would do it for days if she let me. Love threads like these.


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## ian_strong

good read nothing new,
 oh and magpi with teh NO BITING.... i actually use my teeth a little only usually teh top ones to grab teh clit inbetween them and my tongue and roll teh tongue a little...
 ive had no complaints
 and blowing my own horn here ive actually given three or four partners there first multiple orgasms, 
i to offer to take teh pepsi challenge on this one


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## L O V E L I F E

Average Whiteboy said:
			
		

> Screw this guide, I haven't had any complaints yet.



It's hard to complain when you're laughing.


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## magpi

i find it very funny that the girls who have posted find this thread a great idea and most of the guys have chucked a slight wobbly and have instantly had to post to prove to themself that they dont need this advice cause they belive in there head that they know what they are doing and havent had any complains so far

well here is trhe question if your so good and had no complaints about your haed do these girls then beg you every time to give them head because you are aparently good at it

if not then mayybe you shouldd actualy pay atention

if yes then think of it a a light refresher course and a little bit of a laugh

geez


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## ian_strong

i like ur veiw magpi, well said


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## LoveAlways

L O V E L I F E said:
			
		

> It's hard to complain when you're laughing.


 haha

Thats funny because I actually have been laughing out loud every time I read ... "No complaints so far..."


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## Average Whiteboy

LoveAlways said:
			
		

> haha
> 
> Thats funny because I actually have been laughing out loud every time I read ... "No complaints so far..."



Yeah, because nobody can de decent at eating pussy unless they read a stupid guide.8(


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## Mysticalis

L O V E L I F E said:
			
		

> It's hard to complain when you're laughing.



Or when you fall asleep.


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## loken

kittyinthedark said:
			
		

> Comin to milwaukee any time soon??




I live in Milwaukee, I'd love to practice on your hot snatch!

my aol name is inimica1


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## LoveAlways

Average Whiteboy said:
			
		

> Yeah, because nobody can de decent at eating pussy unless they read a stupid guide.8(



I have never ever complained about pussy eating, not even to my boyfriend of two and half years.  That does not by any means mean that I am satisfied with the way things have been done down there.  I've never really gotten good head from a guy period, except for those that had aids of awesome tongue rings, but even then I've still have had better from chicks. I've never said anything to my boyfriend (or any other guy) because 1. its a total turn off for me to have to give directions when I should just be getting off, and 2. because I knew he would take total offense to it like any guy would, and no guy would admit it but it would hurt his feelings. 

So *I* have never complained about it before to any guy, mostly BECAUSE I know most guys react the same way when you tell them they're not good at something, this thread perfect example.

I _was_ going to ask my boyfriend to read this, but I figured he would say the same thing you guys did, "you never complained before..." so *instead* I seduced him by whispering in his ear detailing exactly what I want him to do to me down there. I basically quoted the important details from the first post, but in a sexy way of course. THAT totally worked!


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## Average Whiteboy

LoveAlways said:
			
		

> So *I* have never complained about it before to any guy, mostly BECAUSE I know most guys react the same way when you tell them they're not good at something, this thread perfect example.



I'm not the type of person who really brags about anything. In fact, I constantly talk down on myself. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18, and after that I didn't have sex for two years. So, as you can see, I'm not going to open my mouth on something sex related unless I know what I'm talking about. I've been with four women, went down on three, and received nothing but compliments on what I did. I asked them straight up if I was bad, (not just oral) and I received very honest answers that were mostly positive. So it's not like I'm coming in here and saying, "Yo bitches! I'm Big Dick Jones and ain't no hoe on Earth ever had sex til she's been on my fat ass dick!!" You don't see me going through this forum saying how great I am, do you?

Over time I finally actually worked up some confidence to post here and feel as though that I finally have enough real world experience, and you have to shoot me down. Thank you for now bringing my confidence back down and know that now if I actually ever do manage to get lucky enough again, I won't be able to enjoy it fully since I'll keep thinking girls are never honest about sex. 

It's funny how girls want an arrogant/confident man and when *I* try to act confident I get bitched at for it.


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## faris

awww, don't let a message board get you down!  personally i like shyish guys who haven't been with a shit-ton of women.  just ignore and keep participating. 


onto the topic...
women give the best cunnilingus, i don't care what guide you have.  i would expect a guy to give the best fellatio as well.  it's all about experience and knowing what it actually feels like to have certain parts stimulated.  the other sex can tell you all they want, and you can swear you understand, but truth is unless you've had a proper sex change, you don't know shit.

i think my husband is absolutely wonderful and i've never had even one bad thought about him going down on me.  but girls, one in particular, have been the best.  he can't even compete with a female, but he is very, very good.


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## SmokeTrails

hahaha great post!

i need practice at this tho... ive never met a girl who would help me learn lol


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## Mysticalis

loken said:
			
		

> I live in Milwaukee, I'd love to practice on your hot snatch!
> 
> my aol name is inimica1



Don't fucking cockblock me!!!


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## mentaldent

_Clits That Don’t
Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here, pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesn’t cum, you’re going to be in a foul mood, so if it’s too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around._

  Clits that don't outnumber clits that do.  No surprise that a lesbian guide to cunnilingus assumes that aggressiveness is key.  This is a Butch Guide.


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## chernobyl

This is the best thing I have ever read. It's so true, and hilarious. Hahaha.

Oh, how women understand it so much more. Hopefully I can slide this post over to a special someone and he can benefit from it. Haha.

Danke shen.


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## Texas Petty

I did not read it but I am using this post to brag about myself. I give a great mange-ing. It's ture, I have got nothing but rave reviews and "do it again".


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## scrumpytwo

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

It is funny how ppl like to big note themselves in an internet thread.  I wonder what personal satisfaction that gives them.  

Oh well, each to their own, I suppose.


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## magpi

boys are silly


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## CHiLD-0F-THE-BEAT

**

Sheer *brilliance*. Thank-you for doing all women a huge huge huge *favour* with this guide, *magpi* - hell, think we could service the community a little more by distributing handy *waterproof* booklets to all of the BL men? .


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## Vet

*Instruction Please*

faris.

Could you tell us what a woman that is great at eating pussy does?
I'm always looking to improve.


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## magpi

i wonder if i should do tyhe poofs guid to eating dick??

hmm prob wouldnt need any where near as much setail as the dykes guid to pussy eating


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## Vaughn

magpi said:
			
		

> i wonder if i should do tyhe poofs guid to eating dick??
> 
> hmm prob wouldnt need any where near as much setail as the dykes guid to pussy eating



I bet you i could write up one about as long =P. Don't underestimate a bi mans ability to get a guy off, specially this one.


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## Mysticalis

Vaughn said:
			
		

> I bet you i could write up one about as long =P. Don't underestimate a bi mans ability to get a guy off, specially this one.



Put your money where your mouth is, son.


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## Bi KaNd*E* RaVeR

mentaldent said:
			
		

> Clits that don't outnumber clits that do.  No surprise that a lesbian guide to cunnilingus assumes that aggressiveness is key.  This is a Butch Guide.



pffft! 

well, mine is a "clit that do"  so who's doing to DO it


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## Xyzpdq0121

^^^^ Well lets see, I am going to be in VA next month and NYC in April... What time is good for you?


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## Groovstarr

Awesome thread. I cant wait to try some of these tips out on the weekend


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## specialspack

CHiLD-0F-THE-BEAT said:
			
		

> Sheer *brilliance*. Thank-you for doing all women a huge huge huge *favour* with this guide, *magpi* - hell, think we could service the community a little more by distributing handy *waterproof* booklets to all of the BL men? .



Um, magpi, are you taking credit for this piece? cause it was published in Vice magazine ages ago... so you should probably put that in your post, eh?


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## mato2crazyboys

ummm...excuse me.... will someone please made a simular thread for giving a guy a blowjob??? lol dont get me wrong... i am experienced there, but damn what a great night i just had reading on how to give head to a women...damn it...im not gay...lol  anyhow... can some guy please create a blow job info thread?! thanks a bunch! happy munching to you all!!!!!


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## psytaco

Good shit this is:D


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## HYDRO_CHRONIC

i was open too the help ,but i do this already ,all of it...i did it the first  time i ate a pussy ,how i do not know but i remember it VERY vividly ,she like the clit  murdered...was fun ,i think i was born for it,as my tongue is close to 4" measured at the teeth ...and i can make it FAT at the end to lick the whole pussy in one swipe or make it as skinny as a eraser(on a pencil) to flick/lick the clit  

i can twist it back and forth like like a screw ,basically i can do whatever ,i really like sticking my tongue in it and pulling it in and out while twirling it ,and licking the walls inside  

and when i get ready to go down there my fucking mouth waters??  right now its watering while i think about it ,so i dunno 

was good advice none the less,cept with a long tongue i end up hitting the bum when i plan not too    .....


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## psytaco

^WOW!!!!!8( 
If I was a chick I would be so wet right now.8) 
I hope you validated your ego enough with that post


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## HYDRO_CHRONIC

kiss ass i dont need to validate ego, ,i can get my girl to vouch for me,i please her and that is all i will ever care about ,pleasing the girl i love to the fullest extent that i can  ,i just love to eat pussy......love pleasuring my girl whenever i can somtimes i dont feel like it ,but do it anyway ,takes longer but she gets done sooner or later,i have very little ego 

when people dont have somthin and they see somone else has it they always say somthin smart ass like....im sorry for you if you arent good in this area but dont try and make me look/feel dumb cause it aint gonna happen ,




a good exercise for anyone whos tongue gets tired quickly is to put water in your mouth ,just like you would mouthwash and just push your tongue back and forth ,do it like twice a day ,and you can train your tongue to do whatever you want

,just curious i didnt see that anyone mentioned G-spot play while licking,kinda hard to do but is REALLY AFFECTIVE ...,as well as squezing butt cheeks,and runing finger nails over inner thighs gently 

just my thought


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## Bright_eyes

^^OMG. I am getting wet reading HYDRO_CHRONIC's post, but luckily my current S.O. has all the same abilities(except the 4'' tongue, *tear*) and attitude.

Hands-down(lol) the best oral I've ever had. And when I asked him about how he acquired his skills, he said his best friend is a lesbian and taught him all he knows! I think every guy should be so lucky because I didn't even like oral at first but that  was prolly a combination of I wasn't comfortable with my body yet and the guys didn't know what they were doing.

I hope I will never have to go back to bad oral again! Guys, take notes from the O.P.!!!


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## Perpetual Indulgence

This was hilarious...and all true.  I am lucky enough to be blessed with a man who gives superior head.  I want him to read this guide as a refresher.   

Was it written by a Canadian?  The Micmac thing.


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## sparx

that was classic maqpi !!!

A real chuckle and an iformative read as well 

Ta


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## Whoa

That was a good read and highlights one of the problems with sexual matters, its very well girls complaining about the quality of their lovers skills but we are not born with the knowledge, we need feedback from you. If its not quite right then tell us and maybe next time it will be.


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## joey_love_420

wow


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## nuance

Ahhhhhh.... all I need now is a test subject who is happy to receive free ograsms!!! Whos up girls *haha* kidding


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## nexigram

Excellant. I will be completely honest here. I have brought girls to many many orgasms by eating their pussy but I learned a whole lot from this post. I just wish my girl didn't have to move away, now I miss her even more. I love her and I feel like she abandoned me, but I still would kill to eat her out right now. Great post./


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## fengtau

I like your writing style!  Believe me, you, I am not much of a reader and for me to finish the whole thread means that you can make it as a writer.   A good read and also learning something new today is not a bad idea at all!  Kudos!

And to all you whining cocksucker...


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## Innocuous

less whining, more moaning.


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## the_ketaman

This is good, we need to make a gay mans guide to sucking cock(every woman must read). Coz although ive only ever been sucked off by a man, i hear alot of women cant do the job right at all.

So whos up for writing it? im too wasted on temaze to do anything about it now biatches.


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## The Real Fatman

I have been told that I eat pussy better than any lesbian  can make a woman cum 6 times in 45 minutes using nothing but my tongue.


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## jam uh weezy

I like your writing style, hilarious and very informative. Thanks for taking the time. Another good thing for the ol' clit-beatdown is a series of rythmic taco tongue stimulation.


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## Jamshyd

Interesting, thanks magpi. 

Though if you wrote it and accept a bit of criticism on the writing... ease a bit on the metaphors. Some of them are way unpoetic and out of place, especially the "imagine-the-clit-like-a-tumour-in-a-pile-of-earlobes"... WTF?? lol.

Otherwise, great write, I'm sure many men would find it useful since communication seems to be an art too advanced for most humans.


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## Strawberry_lovemuffin

^^ he's not the author 



			
				magpi said:
			
		

> when i foudn this i was so over joid that i ahd to share it




Much as I love 'im and would like to give him credit, magpi didn't write this piece.


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## Jamshyd

Ah, well. I suppose it is just general criticism to whoever wrote it.

Still, thanks for posting magpi .


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## kytnism

bump


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## dankstersauce

thanks, that was a nice refresher and I loved how it was written.  definitely good for a laugh and it's nice to know that my technique is already pretty decent.  now i just need to put in some practice to keep my skills from getting rusty.


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## deaf eye

dont forgot to give her ass a good licking too


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