# In Memoriam Captain.Heroin



## Ketamania

I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


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## Cheshire_Kat

What a loss  not only to Bluelight but to the world  ...

I am left wordless


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## ageingpartyfiend

RIP

Peace at last


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## Nurse Ratched

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


Fuck fuck fuck. Damnit. I am so sorry to the members here that were close to him. When I was just lurking several years ago he was very active on the forum and was so funny at times with his replies. RIP Captain . You will be missed.


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## D's

What the fuck Ash
Are you serious?
(
Wow i need to absorb this for a few moments.


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## BK38

This is tragic, it’s never nice losing a BLer, hopefully CH is at peace now.


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## Joey

I'm sorry Captain. I'll miss you.


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## Ketamania

D's said:


> What the fuck Ash
> Are you serious?
> (
> Wow i need to absorb this for a few moments.


I'm serious. Me too, me too...


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## Bella Figura

Wow


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## cduggles

No! Not CH. This is awful.


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## mal3volent

I hope you find peace now, cap. 

I'll miss you.


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## Coffeeshroom

Fuck this hits hard. I was actually very close to him and we use to joke around and have awesome pvt convo's plus he helped me a lot with HR and also with just general emotional and mental issues i had. I held him and still do in high Regard. This is very saddening for me. I wish all the best to his family and my condolences and everyone must know he will be much missed on this BlueWorld Family we have here. Fuck he will be missed a lot at least from my side, had so much respect for him. He will surely be missed a lot, especially from my side.

If i may ask what did he od on and when, if its not for public view can you please pm me.


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## Ketamania

Coffeeshroom said:


> Fuck this hits hard. I was actually very close to him and we use to joke around and have awesome pvt convo's plus he helped me a lot with HR and also with just general emotional and mental issues i had. I held him and still do in high Regard. This is very saddening for me. I wish all the best to his family and my condolences and everyone must know he will be much missed on this BlueWorld Family we have here. Fuck he will be missed a lot at least from my side, had so much respect for him. He will surely be missed a lot, especially from my side.
> 
> If i may ask what did he od on and when, if its not for public view can you please pm me.


PM'd


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## deficiT

Oh my fucking god this can't be real. No man. I just messaged him recently and didn't hear back. He was one of the few people that would reach out to me privately if he thought I was struggling. This is fucking me up rn.


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## 6am-64-14m

Shit... no wonder my calls, texts and msgs have went unanswered these last few weeks. 
Rest, brother. I will still come see you, death cannot stop that.
Love you, B.


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## tubgirl.jpg

Fuck.


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## Larimar

Wow was it suicide ? Thought he was clean except benzos .  He was a staple around here . May he Rest In Peace


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## MsDiz

I had many long convos with CH and he was always so tortured and struggled a lot. My first discord friend. He loved walking the trails at Griffith park, he loved the observatory and interacting with people and I’d be so shocked he’d ask the questions he did to strangers.
We grew apart the last few months although we did have a few convos in that time.

I really do hope he is at peace now.


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## Deru

Oh no...this is terrible news 

Rest easy, brother.


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## deficiT

I never got the chance to tell him just how much I loved and appreciated him. So let it be known now. This is a huge loss and he was one of the greatest people to ever grace this forum. RIP cap, this hurts so much.


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## 6am-64-14m

He really did want to go. This is my only solace.
Otherwise, yes, it is really sad. This has me a bit run amok right now.
Ash, Thanks for the info as unwelcome as it may be right now. And love.
How freakng sad.......

I'll be back sorry


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## Cream Gravy?

God please tell me this is another cruel joke...


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## mtu mwendawazimu

He was at peace with death, even if accidental.

He was my biggest supporter.

He was gunna fly me to LA.

He was the only BLer I've called on the phone.

He was my first friend here.

He was the only person I followed on instagram.

He cared about other people so much.

He was brilliant.

I love Andrew.

RIP.


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## schizopath

What the fuck


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## schizopath

If this is real then I dedicate this song to his death


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## CFC

I'm really sad to see you couldn't bridge the divide and finally went ahead and did it Andrew 

RIP mate, see you out there among the space dust someday


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## Snafu in the Void

I knew something was wrong when I last spoke with him. I could feel it. I only knew cap so well and I wasn't sure how much of that was just cap being cap, but something changed about 2 months ago.

Cap, was the best of us. Filled with energy and life. He was truly an amazing, caring and one of a kind person. A special soul.

I knew he was in pain. He very openly talked of suicide, yet I felt as a way to express his emotions into his art. I would like to believe this was a big accident. Cap was always pushing the limits. The captain of his soul.

Rest in peace A. Today I think of you. Goodbye for now.


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## andyturbo

Like all here may need a day or so off... i dont know what to say... after not hearing from him for a month i opened a message from him on discord today (a couple of days old) saying "Anddyyy! Im back. Im ok." .. "missed call from Capt. Heroin"


R.I.P 
MAN WE TRIED SO HARD TO WARN YOU..BECAUSE WE CARED... NOT
ANGRY...JUST HEART BROKEN..


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## 6am-64-14m

Sharing a part of him that he shared with me... kinda eerie now but none the less a glimpse into our brother. 
Suicide Obsession

In his own words:



Spoiler



I am a noise artist focusing on harsh noise, harsh noise walls, field recordings, glitch, and power electronics. Almost all of my work focuses on the absurd features of human life in America, the lack of culture present in our society, the erosion of civil rights, and the degradation of people as time goes on. Capturing beauty and repulsion within one city is an important reality that you cannot ignore. I am a Buddhist who subscribes to the notion that life is essentially suffering. I do not wish to live again but likely will, ad infinitum, with only brief reprieves of death. I am not a nihilist, but an absurdist. Does life have meaning? I keep searching, yet I find nothing...


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## Nurse Ratched

QTpi said:


> He was at peace with death, even if accidental.
> 
> He was my biggest supporter.
> 
> He was gunna fly me to LA.
> 
> He was the only BLer I've called on the phone.
> 
> He was my first friend here.
> 
> He was the only person I followed on instagram.
> 
> He cared about other people so much.
> 
> He was brilliant.
> 
> I love Andrew.
> 
> RIP.


Beautiful tribute to a wonderful man.


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## TheLoveBandit

Respects and support for those he left behind.

I'd ask any replies ensure no personal information is posted, out of privacy and respect to his family.


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## BlueBull

Oh no... He has been an irreplaceable part of bluelight from my old lurking days up until this moment, for as long as I've known about bluelight and undoubtedly for much longer than that still. I've only talked to him a couple of times but he seemed like a great guy and I know everyone loved him. This is a sad day and an indescribable loss. I can't imagine bluelight without him. I feel for his family and friends, online and offline. Fuck. RIP good dude


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## 14YearsOfFlux

This sucks. I rarely post anymore, but this is different. He was one of the first to check up on me when I was posting my recovery journal regularly. I’m glad he’s at peace, if nothing else.

Please be safe, blue lighters. Everyone on this forum will forever hold a special place in my heart. You matter to somebody.


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## andyturbo

*  R.I.P Captain 


"*_*Until we meet again..."*_


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## jhjhsdi

big RIP to my pal CH. Shit news... 
My thoughts are with his loved ones IRL, but it is indeed a big hit to the BL community, as someone above said he truly was a staple. Ive had and seen so much A+ advice from him over the 10+ years ive been here.
Not really sure what else to say atm, even though he talked about death loads - its still a shock and a shitter. 
Im sure we all wish we could have helped/done more.
May he rest in paradise  I will be raising a glass in his memory ASAP


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## schizopath

When we used to talk privately he always saw death as positive thing. Sad that it didnt change.

His last 2 years would have been too much for anyryone considering all that happened.


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## schizopath

For cap


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## negrogesic

Dang


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## F.U.B.A.R.

Fuckin hell.

I wondered where you had gone.


R.I.P.


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## Fiori di Bella

This is so tragic because it all could’ve been avoided.

Andrew and I spoke several times by phone and he always saw his death at an early age as an inevitable fate he couldn’t fight. His rationalized his heavy benzo use as he wasn’t going to be around soon anyway.

I believe he is now at peace, in the arms of his loving partner he tragically lost 5 years ago. 

RIP Andrew


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## Mysterier

Beyond devastating. I love you, Captain. I too hope you are at peace, my friend.


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## Mysterier

I'm going to miss you beyond words. Thank you for everything that you gave of yourself. You were a brighter light than you gave yourself credit.

Rest in peace. I love you.


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## F.U.B.A.R.

Fiori di Bella said:


> This is so tragic because it all could’ve been avoided.
> 
> Andrew and I spoke several times by phone and he always saw his death at an early age as an inevitable fate he couldn’t fight. His rationalized his heavy benzo use as he wasn’t going to be around soon anyway.
> 
> I believe he is now at peace, in the arms of his loving partner he tragically lost 5 years ago.
> 
> RIP Andrew



I never knew CH that well, but ever since I joined he has always been part of the furniture in the Bluelight pad.

However, I can't help but feel this outcome had an air of inevitability about it and did well to last as long as he did.

I just hope that he's now finally found some peace...


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## hydroazuanacaine

rip


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## JessFR

I hope you've found peace now cap. I had always hoped you would find a way through the suffering you were going through. 

I tried to reach out to you. And yet I still feel like I should have done and said more. And I still can't quite believe that this is really it. Hard as it is now, I'm really glad to have known you. 

Rest in peace man.


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## thegreenhand

i dont know what to say. cap was always so kind to me, even as newb to the forum. may he find his peace up there


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## SKL

RIP dude. This is another tough loss to take. I'd actually recently been wondering where he was. The names just keep piling up


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## BK38

I know Cap loved this song, this one's for him:





Some, you know, you need to find some help for you
If you say that we're ill
Give us your pills, hope we'll just go away
But once you've inhaled death
Everything else is perfume
Maybe I'm just a mystery
I can end up your misery
Maybe I'm just a mystery
I can end up your misery
In the end, we all end up in a garbage dump
But I'll be the one that's holding your hand
We are sick, fucked up and complicated
We are chaos, we can't be cured
We are sick, fucked up and complicated
We are chaos, we can't be cured
Maybe I'm just a mystery
I can be your misery
Maybe I'm just a mystery
Marry with the left hand
So far, so far from the mad'nin' crowd
We are sick, fucked up and complicated
We are chaos, we can't be cured
We are sick, fucked up and complicated
We are chaos, we can't be cured
Am I a man or a show, a moment?
The man in the moon or a man
Of all seasons?
Will I be in at the kill
With you?
We are sick, fucked up and complicated
We are chaos, we can't be cured
We are sick, fucked up and complicated
We are chaos, we can't be cured
We are sick, fucked up and complicated
We are chaos, we can't be cured
We are sick, fucked up and complicated
We are chaos, we can't be cured
We are sick


You will be missed.


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## 6am-64-14m

QTpi said:


> He was the only BLer I've called on the phone.


Me, too. Talked from dusk til dawn - my time. lol 
Also, thanks to him, I picked up a bit of "dabbing" which was new to me a coupla years ago... some good stuff, I tell ya what. Not quite as balanced as smoking bud (what I am used to), but damn if it aint convenient to rip a few of the "dab" in bed before sleep. No grinding, prepping the bowl/readying the paper/blunt/whateva, no after-mess and relatively low cost per "dose". This is one "hack" I will not easily give up. Thanks, P. 

Another facet of ourselves whether we see it or not. Wondering how many this one sparked-off of either directly or indirectly. We may never know what fruit our little seeds produce. Genomes are intermingled and hybrid and more nutritious species are created (or recreated). There are no weeds; only those we consider an eyesore and do not care to behold in our gardens.
It's OK.
We grow... or we snatch ourselves out by the root.

Irie

Fiddin to burn some my last bit of dab mixed with all the kief available. Not sure if he liked blunts (it may be my least preferred roa of weed) but we gonna sit back and reminisce for a while.

Love you all


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## alasdairm

it's so sad to read this. he seemed troubled for a long time.

r.i.p.

alasdair


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## Burnt Offerings

That's terrible news. I didn't know him too well but I always enjoyed his posts here, he had a really dry sense of humor that I often found amusing. RIP


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## Coffeeshroom

BK38 said:


> I know Cap loved this song, this one's for him:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Some, you know, you need to find some help for you
> If you say that we're ill
> Give us your pills, hope we'll just go away
> But once you've inhaled death
> Everything else is perfume
> Maybe I'm just a mystery
> I can end up your misery
> Maybe I'm just a mystery
> I can end up your misery
> In the end, we all end up in a garbage dump
> But I'll be the one that's holding your hand
> We are sick, fucked up and complicated
> We are chaos, we can't be cured
> We are sick, fucked up and complicated
> We are chaos, we can't be cured
> Maybe I'm just a mystery
> I can be your misery
> Maybe I'm just a mystery
> Marry with the left hand
> So far, so far from the mad'nin' crowd
> We are sick, fucked up and complicated
> We are chaos, we can't be cured
> We are sick, fucked up and complicated
> We are chaos, we can't be cured
> Am I a man or a show, a moment?
> The man in the moon or a man
> Of all seasons?
> Will I be in at the kill
> With you?
> We are sick, fucked up and complicated
> We are chaos, we can't be cured
> We are sick, fucked up and complicated
> We are chaos, we can't be cured
> We are sick, fucked up and complicated
> We are chaos, we can't be cured
> We are sick, fucked up and complicated
> We are chaos, we can't be cured
> We are sick
> 
> 
> You will be missed.


To Cap H and most of us who can relate, this hit me deep too.

MuchLove and Respect
CoffeeShroom


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## JackARoe

Awe RIP I did not know CH but people here at BL become part of my landscape over the years as I read posts.  Blessings to his family.

The only thing that brings me comfort when this happens is at some point we all go.  But I can say everyone in this thread I would notice if they were gone so take care of yourselves.


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## 6am-64-14m

OK. My last post for this (in this context) so let's put it inda air, no?
@Captain.Heroin 
The literal best I have, bro.


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## neversickanymore

Hope you find easier journey from now on captn..


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## Snafu in the Void

SKL said:


> The names just keep piling up


I really feel this. My IRL friend D and the first girl I ever asked out A both OD in the last 6 months. And now cap. Bringing the total number of friends lost to drugs to 7 in my life.


When is this going to fucking stop

It angers me. All I can do is be a champion of harm reduction, awareness and recovery


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## Snafu in the Void

hylite said:


> * R.I.P. Captain
> 
> thank you for  this. it's sooo beautiful. *


It is of andy's doing. I borrowed it.


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## Snafu in the Void

@Captain.Heroin this cold one is for you buddy. Cheers.


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## Jabberwocky

I checked back today and then I see this

I wish I could have helped, but I was not able to.  I hope you are at peace Cap.


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## Snafu in the Void

Audiobook said:


> I wish I could have helped, but I was not able to.


We did help him. All we could. And we loved him 

And he helped us, too. And me. He stopped me from using the drug he OD'd on. He spared me from relapsing because he is a great guy.


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## Jabberwocky

SnafuInTheVoid said:


> We did help him. All we could. And we loved him
> 
> And he helped us, too. And me. He stopped me from using the drug he OD'd on. He spared me from relapsing because he is a great guy.


We did do all we could.

Sadly it was not enough.


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## Essentialle123

I'm speechless. RIP CH


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## JessFR

Audiobook said:


> We did do all we could.
> 
> Sadly it was not enough.



We all tried. And I get it.

I've been going back and forth the last 8 hours on this. Thinking about if I did enough to try and help him. Wanting to apologize to him for not having done more.

And feeling like in my heart I know... nothing was ever going to be enough.

Fuck and now I'm crying again. Its been starting and stopping for hours .


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## Jabberwocky

JessFR said:


> We all tried. And I get it.
> 
> I've been going back and forth the last 8 hours on this. Thinking about if I did enough to try and help him. Wanting to apologize to him for not having done more.
> 
> And feeling like in my heart I know... nothing was ever going to be enough.
> 
> Fuck and now I'm crying again. Its been starting and stopping for hours .


People do have to save themselves.

You really can’t save anyone.


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## n3ophy7e

This is truly tragic news 

I have known CH on here for many many years and he was always such a sweet, funny, quirky character, always only too happy to help others. This is a huge loss for the BL community and he will be very sorely missed 

RIP Cap


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## Snafu in the Void

I think cap is here with us. I feel him in some dorky sense. He won't be forgotten.

Still feels like he is going to post any minute. Maybe just another update.


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## Ketamania

*Hey guys, Cap's partner wanted me to put in some words for him, so here we go:*

To Andrew (lobo): 
I miss you terribly so, but i know you are where you are supposed to be.... On December 5, 2020, we met, and I remember you standing on top of the stairwell My hearts yearns to hear your voice, but i find peace knowing that you no are no longer suffering here on Earth. Today, would have been 6 months of knowing each other, although we continue to find each other in every life. Deja Vu kind of love. I remember that first day we met, that first look into your eyes (...that is all it took for you to steal my heart. You just reeled me in, and had me hooked from that point forward. I am forever grateful to have known you, even if it was rather short. We explored deep into each other's soul, and you reminded me what it felt to be alive, and to be living. Thank you for that. You were the first to admit that you were falling for me....although i told you i was not that there yet...i could not deny it any longer to myself, and told you I was ready to be your man. 

ohhhh, lobo....i saw that your past experiences had left a negative imprint on you, but i was see your transformation before my eyes, and ohh how beautiful it was to see the glimpse of joy in your face. Your smile, the way you would howl LOL, the way you would look into the mirror when you knew you were looking fire and i would catch you haha you would just look back at me and smile. Nights and mornings have been hard to wake up to this reality and not having you next to me...ohh how we would love on each other. I would hug you extra tight cuz i knew your family was far away, but with me i would show.  As I would openly tell you, you are the illest! As painful as this has been....it will be hard to love someone else...but you showed me the beauty in letting go....thank you. And to allow you to move i do not hold you back..for your journey must continue...as i would tell you...just ensure you save a seat for me...cuz i will always find you. 

To my love, lobo, i will forever love you, and i do not hold any anger towards your passing, i find tranquility in knowing you are finally, truly resting.  So much more i could recount and tell, but for now i wll end my letter to you with this song, "Next Lifetime by Erykah Badu." P.S.  as Ms. Erykah Badu song goes...the one i would sing to you.. Next Lifetime: "First time that I saw you boy It was a warm and sunny day All I know is I wanted you I really hoped you'd looked my way Then you smiled at me so warm and sweet I could not speak... Your energy, feels so damn good to me It picks me up don't wanna come down You got me spinning all around (oh) yeah You need to know, I've got somebody But, you're beautiful, shh But still it ain't that type of party now.... I guess I'll see you next lifetime Maybe we'll be butterflies... I'm all ready, I'm gon' be there I guess I'll see you next lifetime I'm gon' look for you..." With much love and peace, Lobo Nervioso (Eric)


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## S.J.B.

R.I.P. Cap. I'm sorry that things turned out how you always said they would. I wish another path could have opened for you.


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## ageingpartyfiend

ashwolf22101 said:


> *Hey guys, Cap's partner wanted me to put in some words for him, so here we go:*
> 
> To Andrew (lobo):
> 
> but for now i wll end my letter to you with this song, *"Next Lifetime by Erykah Badu*." P.S.  as Ms. Erykah Badu song goes...the one i would sing to you.. Next Lifetime: "First time that I saw you boy It was a warm and sunny day All I know is I wanted you I really hoped you'd looked my way Then you smiled at me so warm and sweet I could not speak... Your energy, feels so damn good to me It picks me up don't wanna come down You got me spinning all around (oh) yeah You need to know, I've got somebody But, you're beautiful, shh But still it ain't that type of party now.... I guess I'll see you next lifetime Maybe we'll be butterflies... I'm all ready, I'm gon' be there I guess I'll see you next lifetime I'm gon' look for you..." With much love and peace, Lobo Nervioso (Eric)


This beautiful song is dear to me also, but now I'll always think of Eric's feelings for CH too when  I hear it in future


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## DrinksWithEvil

RIP CH You loved me here when noone else did. Thanks for loving me and Jamal so much as much as we loved turtle balls. Funny I was gona post a update today for you honestly. But I dont think I will now.


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## JessFR

Audiobook said:


> People do have to save themselves.
> 
> You really can’t save anyone.



Not gonna stop me trying.

Not gonna stop me feeling guilt for failing .


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## Snafu in the Void

JessFR said:


> Not gonna stop me trying.
> 
> Not gonna stop me feeling guilt for failing .


Don't blame yourself, but know that you tried, open heart. We all tried. I tried and certainly had my own conversation with him about suicide and my concern for his use and what he would do in front of us.


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## JessFR

SnafuInTheVoid said:


> Don't blame yourself, but know that you tried, open heart. We all tried. I tried and certainly had my own conversation with him about suicide and my concern for his use and what he would do in front of us.



I'm trying. I'm trying to tell myself that nothing I could do would have been enough. That what I'm feeling is just a natural part of the grieving process.

But I can't help it. A small part of me does blame myself for not trying harder, doing more.


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## Tronica

This is very very sad to hear. RIP CH.
This happens too often to those in our community, over many years.
We are also part of larger trends, and opioid use is more and more dangerous in the last few years. The OD toll is higher year on year. 
Especially sad when we know OD deaths are preventable.


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## GearoftheYear

Didn't speak to CH on a personal level but he was a well respected member of BL, very unfortunate loss. Thoughts are with his friends and family.


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## RedRum OG

Damn, that guy was around forever. One of the few people who has consistently posted helpful advice over the last 10+ years. I could be away for years, come back to lurk, and still see his posts. Always sucks when someone who knows so much about drugs and mental health can succumb to the struggle.

Never thought I would miss that horrible green font


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## Jabberwocky

JessFR said:


> Not gonna stop me trying.
> 
> Not gonna stop me feeling guilt for failing .


I understand, but do take care of yourself!!

You can’t pour from an empty cup!!


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## G_Chem

This is just fucking horrible..  I really hope there’s peace now.

-GC


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## Cosmic Charlie

Omg this is horrible news, I've been wondering where he has been at cuz he hasn't posted in a bit. Did not think it was something tragic like this. His family has my condolences he was a wonderful man and I've enjoyed his posts all these years. R.i.P. my friend ❤

~Charlie


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## Bare_head

Tragic. CH was mainly the life and soul of this place. Rest in peace


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## andyturbo

Captain Brother:

Cat (Footscrazy) is saddened to hear of your passing and loved working with you back in the day.

"I am sorry about Cpt Heroin too. He had been around so long I thought he was indestructible. R.I.P "


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## TripSitterNZ

RIP bro. Always very kind and helpful


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## G_Chem

Friend OD’d on RC Opioid while Suicidal from
      researchchemicals

I think we should also talk about just how nasty 2-MAP-237 is cuz people are dying from this nasty caustic shit.

Man this shits got me all torn up.  He’ll be missed 

-GC


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## Snafu in the Void

G_Chem said:


> I think we should also talk about just how nasty 2-MAP-237 is cuz people are dying from this nasty caustic shit.



May I ask who wrote that post?

I immediately suspected ap-237 was more potent or toxic than his usual ap-238...


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## JessFR

Christ.

Ugh.

I feel like I'm randomly switching between all the stages of grief.

Sometimes I feel like I can't believe this happened.
Then sometimes I feel guilt. I think about how I could have spent more time, paid more attention, been even clearer about my concerns for him. I want to tell him how sorry I am I didn't try harder. 

Sometimes I feel angry. And this is probably the hardest one. But.. I feel angry that he did this. Why did you have to do this? Why did you have to always be so sturbbon why couldn't you listen to us. We were your friends we were trying to help you!

Sometimes I feel nothing at all. Just.. Empty. 

Sometimes I just cry. No direction, no other feelings. Just despair. 

Sometimes I feel like like there was nothing we could have ever done that would have been enough.

And around and I around I go on grief merry go round.


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## andyturbo

That was hard to read


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## negrogesic

G_Chem said:


> __
> https://www.reddit.com/r/researchchemicals/comments/n5a4ue
> 
> I think we should also talk about just how nasty 2-MAP-237 is cuz people are dying from this nasty caustic shit.
> 
> Man this shits got me all torn up.  He’ll be missed
> 
> -GC



I had warned him extensively on the danger of this compound. It once removed a good deal of skin under my tongue from sublingual use. The skin turned white then fell off. I can't imagine intravenous use.

80mg of 2-methyl-ap237 for a tolerant person (even intravenously) is not a lethal dose. I wonder what happened.

RIP you crazy MF, I tried to help you. Sorry for flaking out on the Korean barbecue, i am just too antisocial for that stuff without resorting to benzos (at which point my extroversion is disinhibited) but i didnt want to take benzos at that particular time as i was trying to avoid them.


----------



## Snafu in the Void

Knowing cap I believe he IV his ap

Only person I ever knew to routinely IV RC benzos. Always bothered me when he did that. Seemed very unnecessary. That was cap, though...

He knew what he was doing................


----------



## JessFR

Cap was crazy in that awesome way the greats always are.

Tragically the brightest flames often burn half as long.


----------



## Snafu in the Void

JessFR said:


> Cap was crazy in that awesome way the greats always are.
> 
> Tragically the brightest flames often burn half as long.



He really was a rockstar, in every figurative and symbolic way


----------



## Jabberwocky

fuck fuck fuck fuck

have been half expecting something like this for a while but you always have hope, until it happens.

RIP man you will be missed.


----------



## Xorkoth

I am stunned and sad, and processing this still.  Say what you will about cap, he had his flaws, but you can't possibly deny that he had a big heart and, despite his problems, he really put effort into being there for people.  I have always really respected that about him, it is admirable and honestly very impressive.  Most people I know who are as depressed as he was become bitter and harden their heart to others.  Cap did the opposite, he hardened his heart towards himself but gave it freely to others.  RIP dude, I wish I could have helped you more than I did.  You are missed.


----------



## mal3volent

Xorkoth said:


> Most people I know who are as depressed as he was become bitter and harden their heart to others. Cap did the opposite, he hardened his heart towards himself but gave it freely to others.



Very well put.


----------



## SAT4N_420

I can't believe this...I never got to know him well but I still saw him post a lot in the forums, he always seemed like such a wonderful person....RIP CH.


----------



## Jackal

Well shit

This is sad. RIP Cap'n


----------



## strangeaeon

I have the craziest messages from him that were very hard for me to answer, decided to take my time since he seemed like someone who would be sticking around for a while, from what he said to me all the time, he didnt think suicide was the way to go, he even saw through me when i didnt openly admit how suicidal i was, i was angry at him first, then he wrote the most wondeful things anyone has ever said to me, and i just could not follow the conversation, nothing i could think of would measure up to his words, guess i will keep reading those messages wondering what i could have said. I hate being stuck in this place with no way of reaching out to people irl not this online crap, guess i deserve it, but i dont think he did.


----------



## JessFR

Xorkoth said:


> I am stunned and sad, and processing this still.  Say what you will about cap, he had his flaws, but you can't possibly deny that he had a big heart and, despite his problems, he really put effort into being there for people.  I have always really respected that about him, it is admirable and honestly very impressive.  Most people I know who are as depressed as he was become bitter and harden their heart to others.  Cap did the opposite, he hardened his heart towards himself but gave it freely to others.  RIP dude, I wish I could have helped you more than I did.  You are missed.



That's so true. Cap was made for this place. Driven to help. Bluelight is so much poorer now for his loss


----------



## Foreigner

I'm in total shock. No words right now.


----------



## JessFR

chinup said:


> fuck fuck fuck fuck
> 
> have been half expecting something like this for a while but you always have hope, until it happens.



I know exactly what you mean.


----------



## w01fg4ng

27 days


Thanks for giving me the skills to move on with my life.  You were pretty much the only reason why I kept coming back here.


----------



## andyturbo

A man that loved to share experiences in words and writing.
From chatting on the phone for hours or opening my inbox often seeing two or three messages all turning out to be short legnth novels almost.

It was a open, honest and action packed life that he lived and often shared with us all.

Thank you for your friendship.

Thank you for your huge imput into drug related harm reduction.

Thank you for your love of people and animals. *Gabe* 

Upon telling a former senior moderator of your passing today (2004-12) she instantly remembered you. Despite 10 years of no contact her first words were :

" Thanks, and sorry about Cpt Heroin too. He had been around so long I thought he was indestructible"

Ten years on and nothing had changed. I think your legacy will remain fresh in our minds and hearts for a very long time.

I remember playing a song to you on discord when u wanted to know the sort of music I was into. The track was PUSH - Until we meet again.
The memory gives me mixed emotions now as the track was produced by PUSH two weeks after his partner died of a drug overdose on the way to the studio to record. We will always love you.

_*Until We Meet Again*_


----------



## deficiT

strangeaeon said:


> I have the craziest messages from him that were very hard for me to answer, decided to take my time since he seemed like someone who would be sticking around for a while, from what he said to me all the time, he didnt think suicide was the way to go, he even saw through me when i didnt openly admit how suicidal i was, i was angry at him first, then he wrote the most wondeful things anyone has ever said to me, and i just could not follow the conversation, nothing i could think of would measure up to his words, guess i will keep reading those messages wondering what i could have said. I hate being stuck in this place with no way of reaching out to people irl not this online crap, guess i deserve it, but i dont think he did.


All of us have things we wish we could've said or could've done. You certainly don't deserve to be alone. Feel free to reach out if you're feeling that way, anytime.


----------



## strangeaeon

deficiT said:


> All of us have things we wish we could've said or could've done. You certainly don't deserve to be alone. Feel free to reach out if you're feeling that way, anytime.


Danke, i meant i wish i could have gone to him, those thoughts he often had about "nobody loves me" were such bullshit, i loved him alot, and so did everyone around him. Chemical imbalances make you think and do the worst shit.


----------



## mr peabody




----------



## JessFR

I'm not one to follow trends. I've been here 8 years and didn't have a proper avatar till a few months back.

And now for the first time I have a signature.

I hope he'd approve.


----------



## ghostfreak

Didn’t have much interaction with the Cap but he had a stellar reputation here and someone a lot of people looked up to.

Rest easy @Captain.Heroin you will be missed!


----------



## SKL




----------



## ghostfreak

Brings a tear to my eye every time.


----------



## Snafu in the Void

Too much fuckin bullshit not enough cap in my life.


----------



## Neopunk

Damn. We had our differences politically speaking but I liked him. Rest in peace


----------



## jpgrdnr

I think we watched him bang his girlfriend in a group video chat many moons ago. If that was him. "Too weird to live. To rare to die."

Legends never die. They become a part of you.

RIP


----------



## Hannah Capps

I am gutted. Just wow, no words. You know when peair passed away that still stings like hell, among other's who have OD'd way too soon. God's made me a tender soul, ugh. Just wow. It's an emotional nuclear fall out myself as well as BL will be feeling for years to come.


----------



## Jabberwocky

I feel pretty embarrassed, sad, and ashamed cause the last words I wrote to him were pretty rude. And it wasn't even about something that we truly disagree with, but politics and (partly)philosophy. I was getting psychotic from buprenorphine withdrawal and snaped. Something that he understood. I will not pretend that I knew him personally. I didn't. Yet his username and presence are in my mind almost synonymous with Bluelight itself. And his writing... You can not fake that depth. It is really a big loss to not just BL but the world as a whole whenever such a sensitive, compassionate and intelligent person goes away. 

“We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain.”
-AW


----------



## dirzted

Just another lurker here to say that many of the almost incalculable number of his posts were a great help to my personal use and I will cherish the few personal conversations we had—I always thought of him as the "captain" of bluelight because of the extent of his presence here. 

Here is a quotation of his from one of our conversations:

"I feel at times I begin to see the meaninglessness of life, then I remember how far I’ve come and how diving into the absurd [is] like [diving] headfirst into a cement pool, [and that] would be ridiculous, absurd, and counter-intuitive unto itself so I’ll go along with the tragedy.

Life is a tragedy in slow motion that’s already happened and will happen again. I’m starting to get sick of the cycle but I get used to it,
I used to find meaning in pleasure but found it to be intellectually understimulating, and hence am still searching for meaning in life.

From what I best understand, based on others, I am more likely to return to hedonism, or become a nihilist.

Like, decades from now. _I think the search is awesome and want to enjoy it. Very stressed out, but I am blessed. Life is good_."

-Captain Heroin, Dec. 2020

RIP

Stay safe everyone.


----------



## thujone

This is some heavy shit. He loved BL, and wouldn't just open his heart, but invite you in as well. To the irreplaceable CH, RIP


----------



## tired of crap

CH was there for me while I struggled through the worst of my shit... whining in SL, he always showed me love

I hope he is at peace now
My heart goes out to all those close to him... You will be missed


----------



## Fiori di Bella

Andrew and I spoke by phone several times. We spoke about health, art, drugs, death, pets, heaven, psychology, fate, suicide and the loss of beloved partners and relatives. When he left me messages, he claimed we needed to speak right away, as it was something important. Usually, he’d had some epiphanous moment and ensuing thoughts he wished to share and discuss.

I talked about my dad’s suicide, which was pharmacologically due to 10+ times the recommended dosage of his prescribed benzos + some other less potent drugs. I told Andrew I blamed myself because I talked to him right before he checked out and I knew he seemed off and was unhappy. I’d always been able to get him to the hospital for charcoal + a stomach pump on each previous suicide attempt.

Andrew told me that I couldn’t stop anyone from checking out if that’s what they wanted. In fact, he always said his own death, which would come shortly, was absolute fate for which he maintained no control. I agreed with him only if he was experiencing a condition that limited the time before his body gave out. He told me that it need not be a disease, which led to an hour’s long discussion about Alexander Litvinenko. He’d send me, or direct me to articles and literature that he felt supported this view. We didn’t end up in agreement, but I appreciated his passion for debate.

I told him that death leaves a hole in the  of loved ones that can’t ever be filled or replaced by another person or pet. He told me about the people he loved and he _always _ mentioned his partner he lost due to alcoholism. He wanted to be with him so badly. 

Sometimes we’d talk about religion. I was raised without any faith, he had religious knowledge. We discussed the notion that those who take their own lives are destined for a dreadfully hot place, and he absolutely believed this supposed sin to be false. Additionally, I wanted to know whether he believed we’d see our pets again in Heaven. He believed this to be true and he felt certain his beloved cat, who’d died young, (I believe from drinking ethylene glycol) was waiting to see him in Heaven, as well as a beloved grandparent and his partner he lost 5+ years ago.

I think we remember when he announced he’d leave Earth if Trump was re-elected. He called about 2 weeks after the vote counting began and said that he thought he’d stick around for awhile. He’d tell me that I wouldn’t believe how “this or that” some new guy he met was; and there was _no way_ he didn’t want to be around to see all the future possibilities for the 2 of them. 

He also cared a great deal about getting his degree and he’d often have me proofread psychology papers for him. I would remind him that I wasn’t a psychiatrist/psychologist, I’d just had parents that were, and he still thought that I was around it enough to know something about the subject. He took school very seriously. 

When someone hit his car (last year?) he couldn’t wait to get the check from both his, and the other dude’s insurance companies. I asked him if he was planning to get his car fixed, or get a different car. He told me he didn’t even want a car anymore—it was too much of a headache. The weather was nice and he planned to walk or take public transportation if the walk was too far. 

There are so many unique, funny, and crazy good things I will remember about you always Andrew. I hope you’re with your partner, cat, and grandparent, and you are enjoying your time, free of the anxieties and thoughts the plagued you here, and that you’re enjoying a live Marco Corbelli concert.


----------



## D's

I am still pretty speechless about Captain H. 

We talked back and forth quite a bit and no matter what I was dealing with at the time he would always listen to what I had to say. Even if it were venting about something. He only had positive things to say, and even if I was bitching about another Bluelighter he always had my side. 

He always had faith in me, even those times when I didn't have any faith in myself. There will always be a place in my heart for CH. 
Didn't think I would be typing this but RIP CH


----------



## Joey

The last time I talked to CH I was in some trouble myself and he was coming up with these ideas for me to smuggle myself across the border, and he'd pick me up in, I think, it was in Michigan he and his friend would come to get me so I could stay with him in LA. It was a half-baked, crazy plan that never could've happened I think, but he really meant well. I used to talk to him a lot. He would call me on a regular basis. I'd call him too. But over time, the last couple of months that became less and less. He was withdrawing from BL and everyone, and I was going through my own stuff as well. One of the last times we talked he confided how he'd been going through some tough times and that was why he'd been off the site for a while.

His forays into nihilism, absurdism, determinism, the powernoise music he loved to make, his artwork, his writing.. his writing was incredible. He showed me some writing of his that actually blew me away how beautiful it was. All of these things which had taken over his life - they were pure chaos and they encapsulated his life all the same. I'll miss how he used to take me on these tours through his place, all his shit all over the place, and he'd show me one thing after the other. I do mean it too, he always had a lot of interesting stuff and stories to go with it. He was always so excited to show me everything he had. 

He was visibly going downhill the entire time I knew him from last fall up until the last time we spoke, about a month ago. He was becoming more and more frail looking as time passed by. He didn't care for life, but he did care a lot about people. He told me more than once about how even though his life was meaningless he still cared for others. That kind of says it all right there.

I wish he didn't die, but I'm glad I knew him.


----------



## LucidSDreamr

Wow.  I thought he had been off heroin for a long time. I'm just restarted myself after 7 years off heroin. I want to die tho. If CH wanted to live that's tragic


----------



## LucidSDreamr

6am-64-14m said:


> He really did want to go. This is my only solace.
> Otherwise, yes, it is really sad. This has me a bit run amok right now.
> Ash, Thanks for the info as unwelcome as it may be right now. And love.
> How freakng sad.......
> 
> I'll be back sorry


This. He really did want life to end. I thought he was clean off H tho.for a long time. But if you're a former H addict...u know how to make it end when you're ready.  Maybe he was ready. I'm ready too personally. I have everything in life u could want except freedom from chronic pain. CH had chronic emotional pain which can be equally as taxing.  I feel kinda relieved for him...but sad for his loved ones


----------



## LucidSDreamr

SnafuInTheVoid said:


> I knew something was wrong when I last spoke with him. I could feel it. I only knew cap so well and I wasn't sure how much of that was just cap being cap, but something changed about 2 months ago.
> 
> Cap, was the best of us. Filled with energy and life. He was truly an amazing, caring and one of a kind person. A special soul.
> 
> I knew he was in pain. He very openly talked of suicide, yet I felt as a way to express his emotions into his art. I would like to believe this was a big accident. Cap was always pushing the limits. The captain of his soul.
> 
> Rest in peace A. Today I think of you. Goodbye for now.


It was an an accident per se maybe but When you're suicidal and you pick up H again it's more about wanting death than wanting to feel warm and fuzzy.  I'm there. I see one of these threads in my future.


----------



## Asclepius

LucidSDreamr said:


> This. He really did want life to end. I thought he was clean off H tho.for a long time. But if you're a former H addict...u know how to make it end when you're ready.  Maybe he was ready. I'm ready too personally. I have everything in life u could want except freedom from chronic pain. CH had chronic emotional pain which can be equally as taxing.  I feel kinda relieved for him...but sad for his loved ones


I remember his posts on this; I had a few tumbling comments with him regarding the reasons he posted his desire to destroy himself; that did not make sense, as he was trying to justify how his worth was so null and void. Nobody knows what was going on in his mind. But he had some warm comrades on here; and he was warm to many too - that is what matters.

He wrote some beautiful posts. He was a dark/light superstar, on here.

I am gutted to read he is gone but accept his decision, for himself. Though it is sad for all left, who love him.
Imho:A beautiful paradox; a passive aggressive instigator, a lover; a hater; a wordsmith; artist; a  scared being' fierce, enthusiast'; a destructer; en epicurius of the abyss; who didnt see himself as a he was .; an addict; who succumbed to long-term chemical imbalance and denied us and himself of who he is  - last one, pisses me off and am still angry with.

I hope, anyone who loves him sees what he didn't.

He would have liked this, I think ( he posted W.B. a lot).
"In deep sadness there is no place for sentimentality."
- W. borroughs


----------



## Zopiclone bandit

You what!!!!!!????!!!!!????


----------



## SunriseChampion

What a legend. Hope he's found his peace.


----------



## RDP89

Rest In Peace Captain.


----------



## Zopiclone bandit

I really liked the guy & he seemed to like me also.  Behind the scenes he had reached out to me several times when I was going through PAWS after coming off Heroin, I really liked the guy plus we had the same taste in music.

This will never sound the same now, if you can see me and / or read this I really liked & respected you, I miss you already.


----------



## birdup.snaildown

RIP Cap.


----------



## Shelbel69

Oh dear, this saddens me & I never knew him. Rest in peace dear lovely man.


----------



## LucidSDreamr

Asclepius said:


> I am gutted to read he is gone but accept his decision, for himself.


I think that's the key thing here. This may have been an OD or "accident"...but with someone with his level of experhowience with H and clean time after, and his views on not wanting to keep living even being clean...his decision to use H again knowing full well what it inveitably leads to, shouldn't be viewed much different from a suicide.

Thats at least how I see it through my own lens. Not everyone can pick up a revolver to end it all...but we can eaaily pick up a spike knowing full well what the result will be. I'm close and flirting lately with that that outcome...after years of clean time just like him. So I get it.

I'll say the guy was depressed but always Civil with ppl. I never once saw him post crude or harsh words towards another...which is an anomaly for someone plagued by addiction mental illness. He was a respectful guy to others that acted mature on here. More than I can say for.myself.


----------



## Sammie-Dean

_So sad...I didn't know him that well but he gave me some good advice when I first came here a few years back, thankyou and RIP _


----------



## Jabberwocky

I tried to help the dude, talk to him as much as possible but well - this may be roughly said but he got what wanted in the end.


----------



## herbavore

I can't believe this. Captain Heroin welcomed me to this site when I first learned of it after  my son's overdose. He helped me, along with another kind soul, to decipher the possibilities and meaning of the toxicology report. He wrote me copious PMs to help me out in those first dark months and he was the first person to open my mind about so much that I had wrong about or ignorant of concerning drug use. Later, when we moderated together I got to know him much better and I admired him deeply. He overcame so much, from his early life, but he remained tormented by what he could not overcome . That continued to cause him so much pain. When we were both Senior Moderators I came to respect his very unbiased and even-handed way he approached problems happening on the site. His love and care for this forum is legendary. All the hours of  the day-to-day running of particular forums and the site in general CH put in should be honored somehow.
I wish he had been able to publish his book. I would surely love to read that book.


----------



## Selena248

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


I wish I had known him  
I’ve found Some times it’s a lot easier to help others than to focus on yourself. 
even if you swap too far from shore if you’re still able to see it you still are able to come back. Thank you bluelight for being the first I guess online places where addicts and those in recovery can vent and talk. I wish the best for his family. Sorry I’m bad w words but this broke my heart


----------



## Selena248

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


I wish I had known him  
I’ve found Some times it’s a lot easier to help others than to focus on yourself.
even if you swap too far from shore if you’re still able to see it you still are able to come back. Thank you bluelight for being the first I guess online places where addicts and those in recovery can vent and talk. I wish the best for his family. Sorry I’m bad w words but this broke my heart


----------



## schizopath

This is from Caps last poem

Just don’t run from me as I do, it’ll leave you feeling brutally blue.

There were two kinds of people. Those who played Caps game and those who didnt. I decided not to and let me say, his behavior after that wasnt good. He was not a good person /atleast to me. He was proud of his ability to mindfuck people.


----------



## andyturbo

*Captain*

I know you knew you meant a lot to many people as some of us would tell you on a daily basis.
If you can read this...where ever you have gone...

I knew upon learning of your passing it was going to effect many. However I am shocked and pleased to see just how many peoples lives you have effected.

Of course your home here on Bluelight. I have two separate harm reduction communitys on facebook, both blowing up with messages of sadness.

Reddit posts are into the hundreds.

Even down the harder to reach parts of the internet, the Dreadit community are also saddend.

A man known to few in person, but the alias Captain Heroin known to thousands accross all areas of the globe.

I still remember when I was no more than 2 years old on Bluelight in 2008 and laughing my arse off when I saw your username.

_*I know how much you wanted the book you were writing, and from memory around 75% complete? Please don't dwell on that. Your story has already reach thousands around the whole world. Each different chapters to the book of Captain Heroin global harm reduction contributions.

We love you man. And dont worry, while you scared many of us often being an idiot (and we sure let you know about it! ☺ ) we know how much love you had for us. Thank you...forever in our hearts you remain *_


----------



## AutoTripper

Just to add, and I only maybe had a couple brief engagements with this member, he intrigued me I will say- the last posts I read from him, he was very open about his mindset, state of affairs, and alluded to the likelihood of this tragic outcome.

So it really did not surprise me or shock me just now, seeing this, it actually confirmed my expectation. I would have been more surprised to see him still posting, in typical usual fashion, right now.

I don’t mean to sound cold or callous. This is just what strikes me, right now. It’s partly an unconscious intuitive thing but his words gave big clues this was potentially imminently on the cards.

I hope he is okay now wherever his soul has moved to. I cannot not believe in the soul and infinity of life in some form.

I am on the fringes of life myself. I hang on, I won’t be overdosing or anything drastic but my body may succumb at some point, will regardless, or if suffering is just too extreme and not enough relief and healing can be found, I could very well give up, but I would likely try and choose as comfortable a fast as possible, I’m super malnourished already so it’s not like a fully nourished, weighted person in terms of the length of that road.

Sorry to be morbid folks. As David Gilmour says in lyric on the Momentary Lapse of Reason Album track 9..... 

“Don’t worry, nobody lives forever....nobody lives.....forever,”

It makes you think.


----------



## AutoTripper

andyturbo said:


> *Captain*
> 
> I know you knew you meant a lot to many people as some of us would tell you on a daily basis.
> If you can read this...where ever you have gone...
> 
> I knew upon learning of your passing it was going to effect many. However I am shocked and pleased to see just how many peoples lives you have effected.
> 
> Of course your home here on Bluelight. I have two separate harm reduction communitys on facebook, both blowing up with messages of sadness.
> 
> Reddit posts are into the hundreds.
> 
> Even down the harder to reach parts of the internet, the Dreadit community are also saddend.
> 
> A man known to few in person, but the alias Captain Heroin known to thousands accross all areas of the globe.
> 
> I still remember when I was no more than 2 years old on Bluelight in 2008 and laughing my arse off when I saw your username.
> 
> _*I know how much you wanted the book you were writing, and from memory around 75% complete? Please don't dwell on that. Your story has already reach thousands around the whole world. Each different chapters to the book of Captain Heroin global harm reduction contributions.
> 
> We love you man. And dont worry, while you scared many of us often being an idiot (and we sure let you know about it! ☺ ) we know how much love you had for us. Thank you...forever in our hearts you remain *_


Hi Andy btw. Much love bro and glad you’re still spilling beans for us all. What a life hey?


----------



## bingey

This shit sucks another one dead

Rip captain heroin


----------



## ghostandthedarknes

Rip Brother. really hope you found that peace and happiness we're all looking for.


----------



## Get_Higher

RIP Cap, wish i knew you better, you will be missed nevertheless.


----------



## donnajane1127

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


I remember captain heroin and he assisted me as well. While deep in my injection abuse. I am sorry for the lose of this person as he and his knowledge as well as compassion may have saved many. I know he definitely had a sense of humor and a kindness needed and lacking in this world. Blessings


----------



## FallenOne86

Damn.. RIP Captain Heroin.. well this just bummed me out =/


----------



## JessFR

LucidSDreamr said:


> This. He really did want life to end. I thought he was clean off H tho.for a long time. But if you're a former H addict...u know how to make it end when you're ready.  Maybe he was ready. I'm ready too personally. I have everything in life u could want except freedom from chronic pain. CH had chronic emotional pain which can be equally as taxing.  I feel kinda relieved for him...but sad for his loved ones



I believe he was suicidal, deeply so.

I don't believe he knowingly meant to die on this particular occasion. Dying like this, it just doesn't seem like his style.

But he knew he was being reckless with drugs and that one of these times might be the one. Many of us expressed that concern to him.

This wasn't a suicide, it was an overdose death through suicidal indifference to continued living.

He wasn't openly using heroin in the last few months I was talking to him on a regular basis. I used to tell him he was a crappy captain of heroin, that he should be demoted to private heroin and I should get the rank of captain since I was using at the time.


----------



## sekio

I come back from a hospital stay to find THIS,

No, no, no. This is too fucked up. RIP buddy, enjoy the opioid supply in heaven,,


----------



## JessFR

sekio said:


> I come back from a hospital stay to find THIS,
> 
> No, no, no. This is too fucked up. RIP buddy, enjoy the opioid supply in heaven,,



I'm so sorry man.

If you ever need someone to talk to, know that I'm always prepared to listen, if I can help in any way don't hesitate to ask.


----------



## sekio

I actually had a little cry this morning. Why does life have to do this kind of shit?



> This wasn't a suicide, it was an overdose death through suicidal indifference to continued living.



I would call that a suicide. Nobody who wants to live is so actively indifferent to the hazards of the drugs they take,
Cap was a smart dude. And from what the playground rumors say, it looks like it wasn't a case of some street dope cut with too much fentanyl or whatever.

This thread feels different to read now... bittersweet.


----------



## JessFR

sekio said:


> I actually had a little cry this morning. Why does life have to do this kind of shit?
> 
> 
> 
> I would call that a suicide. Nobody who wants to live is so actively indifferent to the hazards of the drugs they take,
> Cap was a smart dude. And from what the playground rumors say, it looks like it wasn't a case of some street dope cut with too much fentanyl or whatever.
> 
> This thread feels different to read now... bittersweet.



He was heavy into RC opioids and IV RC benzos.

Call it what you will, I only mean that I don't think he meant to die then and there. But he was definitely suicidal and acting in ways that he knew could kill him one of these times.


----------



## GearoftheYear

Please look after yourselves everyone. It's very easy in this type of situation to find yourself in your worst state or using more substances than normal. Grief can make it much harder to identify such a thing. If his death has impacted you and you do feel terrible seek help. It's normal to feel bad loosing a friend but the last thing that will help is getting yourself into a worse addiction or routine if that is something you struggle with. Especially if you use some of the types of substances mentioned in this thread.


----------



## JessFR

GearoftheYear said:


> Please look after yourselves everyone. It's very easy in this type of situation to find yourself in your worst state or using more substances than normal. Grief can make it much harder to identify such a thing. If his death has impacted you and you do feel terrible seek help. It's normal to feel bad loosing a friend but the last thing that will help is getting yourself into a worse addiction or routine if that is something you struggle with. Especially if you use some of the types of substances mentioned in this thread.



Thank you for saying this. It very much needed to be said.

The events of the last couple days (I think? My perception of time is messed up at the moment) have already highly compromised my recovery and I suspect I'm not alone.

Take care everyone. We've lost way too many good people.


----------



## steewith2ees

Shit CH i am so sorry xx


----------



## drewbocop

God damnit. An absolute legend of Bluelight. RIP dude.


----------



## Zephyn

I'm sorry. God bless.


----------



## Iceman1216

Capt. Was one of the first people that reached out to me, when I cam here a few years ago! I must admit hat he Scared Me!  I am an older parent to young child, who has been Sober for awhile, but needed to know what the Drug world was like now?? I come from an era of Weed, Booze and Cocaine. The Capt was totally helpful, even at first I felt that it was a little in my face. But I must pray for him and his family for all the information and Knowledge of the current drug world he shared and directed me through .
I feel broken, because I have a background in crisis management, and suicide prevention , and I kept reading his post on one page that where Dark, then see him helping on other pages in such a huge way?
RIP - Love Ice
Thank you


----------



## lovemissile66

This is just too fucking unbelievable.  And yet, its not.  I lurk more than I post, but every night I log on to see what shenanigans everyone is up to.  This place is like no other.  I try to explain to people the wealth of knowledge, the harm reduction and the things I have learned about myself from BL.  But, if you aren't an addict, then you're looked at sideways.  BL has given me comfort and laughter on many a lonely night.  I read most of what CH posted.  He could come across a bit menacing?!  But I always appreciated his honesty because there is so much bullshit out here.  I lost Stargazer, who became a moderator right before she OD'd.  I think I am just in shock right now, as this news is what I literally saw first upon logging on.  What an absolute loss and my sympathy goes out to his friends and family.  I also lost my partner of 20 years to a heroin OD, already 5 years ago.  It does not get easier.  Not for me anyway.  Its like a fucking rollercoaster.  FUCK!!!!  We play too hard, y'all. RIP, CH


----------



## JessFR

lovemissile66 said:


> This is just too fucking unbelievable.  And yet, its not.  I lurk more than I post, but every night I log on to see what shenanigans everyone is up to.  This place is like no other.  I try to explain to people the wealth of knowledge, the harm reduction and the things I have learned about myself from BL.  But, if you aren't an addict, then you're looked at sideways.  BL has given me comfort and laughter on many a lonely night.  I read most of what CH posted.  He could come across a bit menacing?!  But I always appreciated his honesty because there is so much bullshit out here.  I lost Stargazer, who became a moderator right before she OD'd.  I think I am just in shock right now, as this news is what I literally saw first upon logging on.  What an absolute loss and my sympathy goes out to his friends and family.  I also lost my partner of 20 years to a heroin OD, already 5 years ago.  It does not get easier.  Not for me anyway.  Its like a fucking rollercoaster.  FUCK!!!!  We play too hard, y'all. RIP, CH



Cap was extremely confident in his beliefs. I wouldn't say menacing at all. Just intense.

Take care man, this has been a brutal loss. I hope you have some support system to fall back on.

Everyone could use one right now.


----------



## Snafu in the Void

He was menacing. Unafraid. Undeterred and fierce. He had so much life it was spilling out. Death is the road to awe. I know very well you were unafraid and awaited.

He knew. I knew. Through his music. He was ready to go back from where he came. It makes sense to me now. The random noise. Awe.


----------



## somnilicious

This news absolutely breaks my heart. We spent years together in SL. You had even invited me to stay at your house. I know you were sad for so long. I hope that you have finally found peace and happiness my friend


----------



## necropolis

I never knew the man, and don't recall even posting in any of his threads, but it is deeply saddening to hear about this. To everyone who knew him on a more personal level, I cannot and will not even pretend to know how painful this is for all of you, but I hope you find at least some solace in good memories. From the stuff I have read on here that he wrote, he definitely cared deeply for this community, and he was brutally honest about the ups and downs of addiction... Even though I never knew you - rest easy, brother.


----------



## cj

Damn. I hate to hear this. Me and andrew had a falling out a year ago that we never made up over. He was a good hearted guy though. Was a friend when I desperately needed one


----------



## emkee_reinvented




----------



## Painful One

OMG!
I just happened to check in today and I see this news.
It is a stab to my heart. 
No! No! No! 
I’m in shock. 
The tears are coming. 
I will write more later. 
Oh my friends, we lost Captain.


----------



## Painful One

Oh this really hit me hard.
I have been bent over sobbing.
The tears are still flowing as I write this.

I want to give my condolences to his family and friends.
I think the Captain was loved by ALL whom had the pleasure to know him.
It was a pleasure and a treasure to know him.
He helped many, many, people despite his own suffering.

I will see you on the other side my dear friend.
Thank you for all the good times and laughs and for always being there.
Nobody could pick me up like you did.
I am mourning the loss of you to this world.
I love you, we all loved You! 

Until we meet again.

and the angels wept.


----------



## Painful One

LucidSDreamr said:


> This. He really did want life to end. I thought he was clean off H tho.for a long time. But if you're a former H addict...u know how to make it end when you're ready.  Maybe he was ready. I'm ready too personally. I have everything in life u could want except freedom from chronic pain. CH had chronic emotional pain which can be equally as taxing.  I feel kinda relieved for him...but sad for his loved ones


Chronic Pain is a bitch to try and live with.
In all its nasty forms. 
I know this well. 
I feel you LD. I feel you. 

I feel some relief that CH is no longer suffering. 
but damn, he is missed by many. 
He was able to understand and help so many.

I love all you guys. 
I want only the best for you.
I just want you to know that.

I do understand how Chronic Pain just takes away your life.
All you have left is to help others.
That is huge though.

God said he will always give us a way out.....


----------



## CfZrx

ashwolf22101 said:


> CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD.


That's sad news. He was here so long I took him for granted. He was kind enough to respond to my queries. I hope death is a warm soft place.


----------



## JessFR

CfZrx said:


> That's sad news. He was here so long I took him for granted. He was kind enough to respond to my queries. I hope death is a warm soft place.



Cap has been a piller of the community for a long time. As I approach my 9th year on bluelight, it's increasingly the case that most people have been around for less time than I have.

Cap joined long before I did though. He was one of the earliest bluelighters who caught my attention.

I'm still waiting for his death to feel real. I keep seeing the announcement and it seems impossible. No matter how many times I might have feared or imagined that it might end this way, it still doesn't quite feel like reality.


----------



## birdup.snaildown

I've been a member of this forum, on and off, for over 21 years.

I often encounter people (that have like 20,000 posts) and I have no idea who they are. This was never the case with CH. He was always part of BL for me. This is partly because we frequented similar forums, but also because he was unique.

Back when I was a mod on Words, we were pretty close.

I'll miss him.


----------



## Meth novice 79

The best sense of humour of all bluelighters, when it wasn’t going over my head of course 
He will be missed 
RIP Cap x


----------



## herbavore

andyturbo said:


> *Captain*
> 
> 
> 
> A man known to few in person, but the alias Captain Heroin known to thousands across all areas of the globe.
> 
> _**_


He really did reach so many people all over the world, didn't he?


----------



## RedRum OG

JessFR said:


> Cap has been a piller of the community for a long time. As I approach my 9th year on bluelight, it's increasingly the case that most people have been around for less time than I have.
> 
> Cap joined long before I did though. He was one of the earliest bluelighters who caught my attention.
> 
> I'm still waiting for his death to feel real. I keep seeing the announcement and it seems impossible. No matter how many times I might have feared or imagined that it might end this way, it still doesn't quite feel like reality.



Feel this. I recognize less and less of the names, and the great ones that ran this place 10 years ago are mostly dead and gone. Weird world.

His insane green font caught my attention. Really made him stand out even more, in hindsight. I wonder how many of his sassy but helpful posts I/we have read over the years


----------



## jose ribas da silva

This made me realize that everyone here is somehow on the verge,  we are on the verge


----------



## Iceman1216

We must truly  Try our  Hardest to  Keep our Head where Our Feet ARE!! I struggle with this many days but do accomplish it more than Not! Over many years I have learned that besides my chronic pain, my difficulties are in my head.
" If it can be fixed by Money ten its not a real big problem!
May All The Mothers on this page have a wonderful day, enjoy, your family, friends, and yourself!!

I would have never Meet or Surely been friends with Capt if Not for this page, and my life is very improved because of our friendship.
Love ICE


----------



## Misfit Chick

*Sad to hear this tragic news, CH has been a pretty solid figure here for many many years. He will be missed, and left a legacy here at Bl. *


----------



## StaffWriter

Fuck. I’m speechless. I remember him from 10 years ago, doing Suboxone. Good dude.  RIP, brother.


----------



## deficiT

I think that's a great point gaz.. but yeah let's try and keep anything too political or argumentative off of this thread. I'm gonna see if there's something comparable in another thread I can move it to.


----------



## PriestTheyCalledHim

Super sad news. Rest in peace Captain Heroin.

I hope you are at peace and know that you helped many people and were loved.


----------



## JessFR

herbavore said:


> He really did reach so many people all over the world, didn't he?



In deep depression it can be so hard to see anything other than what's going on with yourself.

He had a lot of friends. I hope he realized just how widely loved he was.


----------



## Coffeeshroom

Cap was the first person i showed a pic of myself, just how much trust i had in him and how welcome and at ease i felt with him, what a legend.


----------



## devilsgospel

I guess he finally found the peace he was looking for.

I wish we were on better terms before you left us. I fought with you and I hated you but here I am posting and fucking crying anyways. We had a lot more good times than bad though, and you always tried to be a good friend to everyone which is something I admired about you. I still do. 

I love you Cap, I hope you finally found somewhere you're comfortable.


----------



## schizopath

Guess he finally found his peace he was always looking for


----------



## Diagnosed

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


Smh. 
Haven't lurked these boards in a while but I can say that I learned a TON in regards to harm reduction from CaptainHeroin.
It's impossible to say how many others' lives were saved as the direct result of his harm reduction protocols listed on these boards.
Rest in peace. 
=(


----------



## schizopath

Guess he finally found what he was always looking for


----------



## stardust10

Didn't know CH personally but when I first found this site (briefly on an old account) he helped me feel better when I was grieving. RIP


----------



## Iceman1216

JessFR said:


> In deep depression it can be so hard to see anything other than what's going on with yourself.
> 
> He had a lot of friends. I hope he realized just how widely loved he was.


The world has everyone's lives Turned up side down and shaking!!
I am so afraid to even look at national and Worldwide suicide , and OD numbers??
I feel that Most times ODs are NOT suicide, [ Just got the Recipe WRONG} , But for some people Clean for a long time and a huge promoter of Harm reduction, as well as very intelligent, it is a pleasant  {Personality; Not for who if left behind ) than other scary methods!!

The Capt has Helped so many people and Most time that human connection , will keep people with use, but not always
Love - ICE


----------



## come_unity

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


Seem to remember this car since way back, fing shame but unfortunately I and waaay too many have become numb, numb to losing close loved ones, numb to the killings in mexico, here in the Americas we are living that dream let me tell you. As much as I like to warn kids(18-25) getting involved in wholesale or even retail sales. Part of me wants to say don't depend on college, on mom and dad or most of all uncle Sam our real father(hiding out somewhere in a rock and roll band in the strangest of psyops one could ever imagine, and we thought mk-ultra was. "Bad" I wish more people had Dr friends or CEO friends they would quickly realize the "legal" game makes selling compounds look like child's play..literally. It's so comforting to know a bunch of psychopaths are running most of our "programs" anyway these are the same type of fucks pushing metric tons of oxy in virtually any pharmacy that would kinda look the other way "oh well we.felt one the 10 point pain scale, if they say they are in pain you.treat them as much i.e. Opiates etc. I'm torn because I do believe that not one person who is truly in physical pain should go without proper pain meds at a drs/er. Worst case y ok have someone 15 pills people lol. Also the addict "seeking" meds is in pain just pain of a different sort. Legalize drugs! Help save lives. Did capita n h d ie from gent or H?  Okay wow this bubble bath has me way too ba ked and on tangents left and right RIP Capt.


----------



## JessFR

Iceman1216 said:


> The world has everyone's lives Turned up side down and shaking!!
> I am so afraid to even look at national and Worldwide suicide , and OD numbers??
> I feel that Most times ODs are NOT suicide, [ Just got the Recipe WRONG} , But for some people Clean for a long time and a huge promoter of Harm reduction, as well as very intelligent, it is a pleasant  {Personality; Not for who if left behind ) than other scary methods!!
> 
> The Capt has Helped so many people and Most time that human connection , will keep people with use, but not always
> Love - ICE



I believe whether this was suicide depends on how you define it.
I'm not sure how I would define it, only what I believe this was. A drug overdose prompted by suicidal indifference. 

The part that perhaps most pains me is the comment earlier that he might have felt at the time that he wasn't loved, cause it couldn't have been further from the truth.


----------



## Iceman1216

'The part that perhaps most pains me is the comment earlier that he might have felt at the time that he wasn't loved, cause it couldn't have been further from the truth.'

I do agree with you on this point, We and Many others Loved the Capt. , But I do not know if he believed that or felt it Himself??? The few times we interacted he was, Honest, helpful and caring towards me!! I reached out with true affection, and wanted to see if I could help him to continue this journey we call LIFE?
I would read his posts , get scared then reach out and see that He Seemed Better than the vocabulary of his Posts?? I wonder if we all have this feeling in our Guts that, " He seemed OK, or Better, just a passing bad moment?
All we can do is show up and try to help, give guidance, support and Hope!! It is a very personal decision of what type and if we take any help??
R.I.P.  the one and only  [CAPT. H.]}


----------



## SineWaveSoldier

There are few members that have been as visible and active over the years as Captain Heroin. He was one of those posters who you always knew would be here no matter of it had been a few years since you last checked the site.  

He was very knowledgeable and definitely shared his experiences and knowledge to add to the purpose of harm reduction and the site as a whole. 

This is my 3rd or 4th username over the years.  I've been coming here since 2001 or before.  RIP Cap.  I'm glad you are at peace but sorry you aren't on this earth anymore.


----------



## JessFR

Iceman1216 said:


> 'The part that perhaps most pains me is the comment earlier that he might have felt at the time that he wasn't loved, cause it couldn't have been further from the truth.'
> 
> I do agree with you on this point, We and Many others Loved the Capt. , But I do not know if he believed that or felt it Himself??? The few times we interacted he was, Honest, helpful and caring towards me!! I reached out with true affection, and wanted to see if I could help him to continue this journey we call LIFE?
> I would read his posts , get scared then reach out and see that He Seemed Better than the vocabulary of his Posts?? I wonder if we all have this feeling in our Guts that, " He seemed OK, or Better, just a passing bad moment?
> All we can do is show up and try to help, give guidance, support and Hope!! It is a very personal decision of what type and if we take any help??
> R.I.P.  the one and only  [CAPT. H.]}



So many of us reached out to try and help him. I told him how I was afraid he might end up on the shrine and offered many times to be someone he could talk to and told him how I cared.

Depression fucks with your mind though, it pulls you into a pit of despair and lies to you about how much people care about you and how devastated they would be to lose you.

I've been there, there were moments at my worse where I was literally within moments of death. But I'm one of the lucky ones. I didn't die then and eventually found a way through it. And as deeply depressed I've been this past year and as overcome with grief as I have been these last few days, I intend to live.

I only wish cap could have found the same, afraid as I was I always held out hope that he would. 

Love you cap, I know you didn't mean to hurt us like this.... if there was anymore I could have done I'm sorry.


----------



## deficiT

CH was a genuinely good person and I don't think he ever intended to hurt us. Sometimes the burdens just become too much to also bear the consequences for others.

He had a way of communicating that captured your heart and spoke to your deepest emotions. We will all miss his presence and his inspired writing.


----------



## JessFR

deficiT said:


> CH was a genuinely good person and I don't think he ever intended to hurt us. Sometimes the burdens just become too much to also bear the consequences for others.
> 
> He had a way of communicating that captured your heart and spoke to your deepest emotions. We will all miss his presence and his inspired writing.



He wrote so much and had such an interesting mind and philosophies.

A lot of the time I had no idea if what he was saying was nonsense or if he was just soooooo far ahead of me that I didn't understand it.


----------



## deficiT

JessFR said:


> He wrote so much and had such an interesting mind and philosophies.
> 
> A lot of the time I had no idea if what he was saying was nonsense or if he was just soooooo far ahead of me that I didn't understand it.


I know it's a fairly cliche one, but I think this Jack Kerouac quote is appropriate

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'"​


----------



## deficiT

I wrote this already in the staff forum, but I wanted to put it out there for everyone to read...

My last suicide attempt, Cap reached out to me. My last overdose/hospitalization, Cap hmu. When I first realized I had to get a divorce, Cap checked in with me to see if I was ok.

THAT is the type of dude he was. Didn't matter who you were or how long you've been around. He made sure you were ok. He swapped dark stories and cynicism with you.

We should all aspire to be more like CH, and we should all be trying to emulate his helping nature. Really I envy him for the peace that he's gained now, because it feels so far away for me.

I never met someone more consumed by (and obsessed with) death than me. I don't talk about it that much, because I'm trying to be more positive overall, but death has followed me like a hawk since childhood and I'm constantly consumed by a longing for it.

But Cap made all that shit go away for me. He made the problems of life seem insignificant in the grand scheme, and he always managed to put the good things in perspective.

That is something I pray I will always keep in my heart. That no matter how bad things get, they can be overcome simply by helping another human.

I just hope everyone takes this loss as a reminder that this shit is REAL! It will take the strongest of us if we let it. We have got to be there for each other. We have got to LOVE each other unconditionally. Because we are IT. ALL we have in this world is each other.


----------



## LucidSDreamr

Iceman1216 said:


> 'The part that perhaps most pains me is the comment earlier that he might have felt at the time that he wasn't loved, cause it couldn't have been further from the truth.'
> 
> I do agree with you on this point, We and Many others Loved the Capt. , But I do not know if he believed that or felt it Himself??? The few times we interacted he was, Honest, helpful and caring towards me!! I reached out with true affection, and wanted to see if I could help him to continue this journey we call LIFE?
> I would read his posts , get scared then reach out and see that He Seemed Better than the vocabulary of his Posts?? I wonder if we all have this feeling in our Guts that, " He seemed OK, or Better, just a passing bad moment?
> All we can do is show up and try to help, give guidance, support and Hope!! It is a very personal decision of what type and if we take any help??
> R.I.P.  the one and only  [CAPT. H.]}



Whether he felt loved or not.may or may not be relevant
IMO though having ppl love you is not enough to keep a person suffering so much living and not destroy yourself  with opioids or commit suicide.

In other cases it may be the thing that keeps them fighting through their own hell they would rather end.

We've seen huge superstars loved and adored by millions still take their own lives (avicii is a recent example).  When you suffer that much, the fact that ppppl love you is a burden rather than blessing because then you have guilt about hurting them by choosing to end or blunt your own suffering knowing it hurts them.

I don't know if this is the appropriate place for it, but one of his writings I will always remember was his IV MDA trip report on BL. It's like one of those legendary erowid reports etched into my mind that you just don't forget even like 10 years later.


----------



## SineWaveSoldier

deficiT said:


> I wrote this already in the staff forum, but I wanted to put it out there for everyone to read...
> 
> My last suicide attempt, Cap reached out to me. My last overdose/hospitalization, Cap hmu. When I first realized I had to get a divorce, Cap checked in with me to see if I was ok.
> 
> THAT is the type of dude he was. Didn't matter who you were or how long you've been around. He made sure you were ok. He swapped dark stories and cynicism with you.
> 
> We should all aspire to be more like CH, and we should all be trying to emulate his helping nature. Really I envy him for the peace that he's gained now, because it feels so far away for me.
> 
> I never met someone more consumed by (and obsessed with) death than me. I don't talk about it that much, because I'm trying to be more positive overall, but death has followed me like a hawk since childhood and I'm constantly consumed by a longing for it.
> 
> But Cap made all that shit go away for me. He made the problems of life seem insignificant in the grand scheme, and he always managed to put the good things in perspective.
> 
> That is something I pray I will always keep in my heart. That no matter how bad things get, they can be overcome simply by helping another human.
> 
> I just hope everyone takes this loss as a reminder that this shit is REAL! It will take the strongest of us if we let it. We have got to be there for each other. We have got to LOVE each other unconditionally. Because we are IT. ALL we have in this world is each other.


I'm sure you have people to talk to but death has been a huge part of my life I've been brought back 3 times and have attempted suicide as well almost successfully.  

If u ever need anyone to talk to pm me I'll shoot you a number.  I never want to see anyone not have someone to talk to when they need it.  I've lost too many that didn't have someone when they needed it


----------



## deficiT

SineWaveSoldier said:


> I'm sure you have people to talk to but death has been a huge part of my life I've been brought back 3 times and have attempted suicide as well almost successfully.
> 
> If u ever need anyone to talk to pm me I'll shoot you a number.  I never want to see anyone not have someone to talk to when they need it.  I've lost too many that didn't have someone when they needed it


Thank you so much. I have had a lot of close calls myself, and have had a lot of people die in my life. Two of these close calls being last year when I disappeared from here for several months. 

I've gotten a little bit better but it's still difficult. You can never have enough people to talk to, and that's the main point I wanted to make. It is tough to reach out when you get really desperate, but it's important to keep that in mind. 

I don't want to live solely on the guilt I have over hurting people. I want to actually be happy, actually be fulfilled. But it does feel like it's primarily guilt that drives me some days...


----------



## SineWaveSoldier

deficiT said:


> Thank you so much. I have had a lot of close calls myself, and have had a lot of people die in my life. Two of these close calls being last year when I disappeared from here for several months.
> 
> I've gotten a little bit better but it's still difficult. You can never have enough people to talk to, and that's the main point I wanted to make. It is tough to reach out when you get really desperate, but it's important to keep that in mind.
> 
> I don't want to live solely on the guilt I have over hurting people. I want to actually be happy, actually be fulfilled. But it does feel like it's primarily guilt that drives me some days...


Aww I'm so sorry I'm glad you found your way back. You're welcome!

You can't live with that guilt it will eat you up.  The only way to start escaping that is to right your life as much as possible and stay out of the past.  I know it's hard not to dwell. 

I think you have to look at it that the people you feel guilty about hurting have to be somewhat close to you.  Those who are close to you don't want to see you hurting or hurt yourself.   The way to right some of this wrongs is just to make resolutions to do better.  None of us are perfect.  But we all deserve our place on this earth.

I'm glad to help in any way.  Keep your head up and stick around.  We only get one shot at this!


----------



## deficiT

SineWaveSoldier said:


> I'm glad to help in any way. Keep your head up and stick around. We only get one shot at this!


You are absolutely correct, and your support is valuable and necessary around here at this time.


----------



## SeconalRedd

Im in tears

Its been 8 years since I've been here (old user name seconal) and I was recently thinking about my old friend CH. I nearly dropped my phone when I saw this thread . It was 2009 when CH and his girlfriend came to chill with me. We meet on this site in 2008. Andy was a fantastic young man who was so sweet. I feel so bad that I didn't come back here earlier because I wanted to come back and see how he was doing. 

I hope he is in a happier place. Ill miss u man


----------



## JessFR

I vividly remember finding out about his death. I'd just woken up and checked the phone and saw people talking about it on discord. I think it probably took a couple minutes to really process it. During which I couldn't think of anything to say.



That was a really horrible night. (I sleep weird hours and woke up at 11pm)

I've thought a few times about how surreal it is. Cause to me, he died when I woke up around 11pm on the 5th. But of course that's not when he died. I can't help thinking sometimes about the period of time when he had died and I, we, had no idea yet.

It somehow feels wrong that something so monumental, at least for us, should have happened while for a short period of time everything continued as if it hadn't.


----------



## SineWaveSoldier

deficiT said:


> You are absolutely correct, and your support is valuable and necessary around here at this time.


Just trying to do my part.  I have tried to kill myself a couple times including as recently as January of Last year.  I was resuscitated and the first thing the EMTs said was did you see the light.  

A front desk clerk was praying over me with her hand on my leg.  She said she felt the hand of God bring me back to life.  

I'm glad I didn't die even though I've had to go through so much and haven't seen my little girl in over a year who besides my parents and family is the only thing that matters to me in my life. 

Let's both stick around please.  If you get depressed and hopeless dm me for my phone number.  I'll talk any time day or night.


----------



## d3lnarg0

I have lost the 2 closest friends in my life due to the lack of opiate tolerance (due to short jail stints) and using A 20 bag .Was CH  clean (ish) when he Od"d or what was the substance that attributed to this Tragedy? I am asking be because recently I have been offered a variety of  RC opioid s and Benzos?

The Lady lies, just by the stream 
The Lady of, my youthful dream 


where the clovers leap in shadow's stead 
and the willow bows her weeping head 

beneath the marble stone that sadly sits 

forever bound 
with rose vine tourniquets


----------



## Fiori di Bella

The first time my father died, he’d suffered a cardiac arrest in the hospital and I got an immediate call asking if (Iikely due to the fact that he had Stage IV Esophageal Cancer) he was a DNR or wanted resuscitation in this case. I knew he was a DNR but I was selfish and I wanted him around for awhile. So I lied and asked them to bring him back as that’s what he would’ve wanted. 

I feigned ignorance when his hospitalist “expressed great displeasure” with me after seeing the DNR stamp on his main chart, which wasn’t available at the time of his cardiac arrest. But his doctors went far easier on me, than my dad did. He lost his shit with me, explaining the number of minutes it takes when your heart isn’t pumping, and thus getting O2 to your brain, for irreversible brain damage to occur. Of course I knew that. I just couldn’t imagine my life without him, thus I lied for very selfish reasons. He remained fairly pissed at me for weeks. He had the opportunity to remain dead, with no questions asked and no suspicions re: his own hand playing a part in his death. But that was 2002, and several years prior to his suicide. He came through the surgery just fine, minus his little incident, and we learned he had a right bundle branch blockage, which caused the cardiac arrest. Days later, he had a cardiac defibrillator placed, and his risk of a repeat was almost 0%. That was the most upset he’s ever been with me at any point in my life.


----------



## JessFR

d3lnarg0 said:


> I have lost the 2 closest friends in my life due to the lack of opiate tolerance (due to short jail stints) and using A 20 bag .Was CH  clean (ish) when he Od"d or what was the substance that attributed to this Tragedy? I am asking be because recently I have been offered a variety of  RC opioid s and Benzos?



Cap seemed to me about as far from clean as you can get. When I was talking to him fairly regularly he was using a lot of IV flualprazolam. And it sounds like he had recently started trying another rc benzo. 

His cause of death has been said to be 2methylAP237

He had used ap238 many times prior to that, ap237 sounds like it was something new.

He seemed to me to be being extremely reckless with his drug use, this may not have been a suicide in the sense of someone deciding there and then to end it, but I don't think you can really call it an accident either.

That's my understanding based on what I have heard and my own interactions and experiences with him.


----------



## SineWaveSoldier

d3lnarg0 said:


> I have lost the 2 closest friends in my life due to the lack of opiate tolerance (due to short jail stints) and using A 20 bag .Was CH  clean (ish) when he Od"d or what was the substance that attributed to this Tragedy? I am asking be because recently I have been offered a variety of  RC opioid s and Benzos?
> 
> The Lady lies, just by the stream
> The Lady of, my youthful dream
> 
> 
> where the clovers leap in shadow's stead
> and the willow bows her weeping head
> 
> beneath the marble stone that sadly sits
> 
> forever bound
> with rose vine tourniquets


It's pretty common for example when people go to rehab their tolerance resets and they either get a strong batch or try to do it like they used to.  

Fentanyl and fake pills make this such a dangerous game now.  It was dangerous back in the day but it really is now.


----------



## paranoid android

WTF? I knew CH well back when i was a mod i honestly never thought he would be a person that would die of a OD. Fuck this sucks.

 RIP CH


----------



## JackoftheWood

Fucking hell. I'm definitely late, but holy shit. He was always a cool dude, even to a newbie like me. Rest easy CH.


----------



## Max Power

RIP


----------



## Dundermifflin8699

CH i read alot of his comments over years,  from my many alias names..

His heart was in helping others, but that inner darkness many of us have is so real.

May he RIP and thinking of how many benefited from his presence..


----------



## Tubbs

I remember getting to read an excerpt from his novel.... man was a true wordsmith and a true tortured soul.... 
Rip cap, you were a beautiful soul.


----------



## JessFR

I still can't believe it. I keep waiting for it to make sense, to process it. It'll happen eventually, I know from experience.

Cap was such a huge part of this community. We were so fortunate to have him. And now that he's gone, it feels like we've lost something, something huge that made this place what it is that we can't ever replace. 

I don't really believe in continued life, as the people we are, after death. But I wish I could believe he could somehow see what we've said. To somehow know how much grief and loss we feel and just how much he meant to so many of us.


----------



## Tubbs

He and herby were the first to welcome me to bl, they helped me through a very hard time in my life... I'm eternally grateful for that.


----------



## JessFR

Tubbs said:


> He and herby were the first to welcome me to bl, they helped me through a very hard time in my life... I'm eternally grateful for that.



Herbavore was there for my first posts reaching out for help too.

I'm not exactly sure when I became closer with cap, we had had friendly talks on many occasions but I'd say we definitely got closer when he invited me to discord with him and some other bluelighters.

God I'm gonna miss him there, I can still hear his voice so clearly. How passionate he was about everything he had to say. 

Talking to him about my addiction problems and his insights.

With the problems I've been having lately, in life, here on bluelight, etc, I've often wished I could talk to him about it.


----------



## cduggles

Well, I finally looked through some of our private messages. Here’s a sweet, lighthearted memory: he asked me to teach him to flirt with girls.  (I don’t think he needed any help learning to flirt with anyone!)
And he always had the juiciest gossip.
What a sweetheart!


----------



## JessFR

cduggles said:


> Well, I finally looked through some of our private messages. Here’s a sweet, lighthearted memory: he asked me to teach him to flirt with girls.  (I don’t think he needed any help learning to flirt with anyone!)
> And he always had the juiciest gossip.
> What a sweetheart!



Lol.

Cap was a great guy, just look at how many people here are devastated by his loss. You don't make that much of an impression if you aren't an attractive person to people. 

He told me how his sexuality had changed over time. He certainly never seemed short of people who wanted his company. 

Cap was just cap, he was unique in so many wonderful ways. I feel very privileged for having had the opportunity to know him.

I've looked through some of my conversations with him too, not many though, especially with the more recent ones, many have been too hard to read. 

He was in so much suffering.


----------



## cduggles

JessFR said:


> Lol.
> 
> Cap was a great guy, just look at how many people here are devastated by his loss. You don't make that much of an impression if you aren't an attractive person to people.
> 
> He told me how his sexuality had changed over time. He certainly never seemed short of people who wanted his company.
> 
> Cap was just cap, he was unique in so many wonderful ways. I feel very privileged for having had the opportunity to know him.


Yeah, I had completely forgotten that exchange, but I wanted to convey that he had a really bright, funny side. It came across in CEP&S a lot.


----------



## LucidSDreamr

I just kept thinking about this more last night. Like, CH was basically the face of bluelight. The number one poster that was always everywhere in all the sub forums posting at any period of the last decade or more. I can't think of anyone more constant in BL than him. Even the top Mods seem to dissappear for a couple years and come back.

Drugs an this site unfortunately have been a significant part of my life and I was just reflecting on how the face of this site had just died.  It's not a surprise. We all know where drugs lead eventually.

He was really a leader here if not the top leader.
He's even been mentioned in normal news reporting about bluelight.  It's a loss for BL and while i didn't connect with him beyond just posting publicly, just sort of the gravity of it all really sunk in for me last night....how I see myself in captain heroin too (which of course is scary considering his outcome). It was a head trip I was really stoned with low tolerance at the time.


----------



## JessFR

A lot of us can probably see at least a little of ourselves.

As a community, we lose far too many people, we have a shrine with hundreds of threads. People who died mourned by other people who died.

So many of us have had mental health problems, life problems, and of course drug problems. That's why we're here. I think on the whole we need to look out for each other. 

I won't deny I have occasionally thought about what if I one day wound up in the shrine. I have no intention to, but I think it's understandable to at least have such thoughts occasionally. Depressing and dark as they are. 

When you're part of a community, whether online or offline, and you see your peers, your friends, die over and over, it's hard not to have the thought enter your mind if one day it'll be you. 

It's not OK. All in all we are too young a population to be having such anxieties. But that's what life on drugs is, it's what mental illness and depression is. 

Everyone could use support, everyone deserves to be reminded that they are cared for and that they are valued. 

Look out for each other, everyone.


----------



## Lauren1978

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


very sorry and always a bit terrified to read these posts.   Sorry for your loss (hugs) and the loss to the family and to the world. He cared about us even when he was in pain.  Damn.


----------



## xeplioned

Peaceful rest


----------



## thedawn

damn. I don't come here every day these days and I just read this.
CH was an internet friend and well wisher for me in 2013 and 14.
he was so supportive.
this hit me heavy.
it felt like he supported me through my darkest hours those years.

thank you.
rest in love, CH.


----------



## Phonetap

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


RIP I send my condolences to captain's friends and family..... 

Listening to scar tissue by RHCP hope that you are in a better place


----------



## thefirm

RIP CH, a really lovely soul and a genuine sensitive guy, you will be missed, your number of posts and help made up a huge chunk of this forum, so this community lost a big part of itself. condolences to the family and loved ones.


----------



## Dope Waffle

May he rest in peace


----------



## FuckinAcidMan

Damn I'm just catching up to this

that sucks, dude was a cool guy


----------



## Iceman1216

JessFR said:


> So many of us reached out to try and help him. I told him how I was afraid he might end up on the shrine and offered many times to be someone he could talk to and told him how I cared.
> 
> Depression fucks with your mind though, it pulls you into a pit of despair and lies to you about how much people care about you and how devastated they would be to lose you.
> 
> I've been there, there were moments at my worse where I was literally within moments of death. But I'm one of the lucky ones. I didn't die then and eventually found a way through it. And as deeply depressed I've been this past year and as overcome with grief as I have been these last few days, I intend to live.
> 
> I only wish cap could have found the same, afraid as I was I always held out hope that he would.
> 
> Love you cap, I know you didn't mean to hurt us like this.... if there was anymore I could have done I'm sorry.


I understand! I have worked on a crisis Hot line working the phones ( now must be text as well? Young people do not talk on the phone very much  lol lol. We where taught and it proved out that ( 5-7% of the people we will encounter, with suicidal thought will Do It!!!!) no matter what we do.
I thought the Capt would make it through? But I never got close enough to to him, to discuss real issues in his life, family, work , housing , basic building blocked to work through and out of depression !
his heart was broken  and this fuckin pandemic has Taken so many wonderful people already, with thousands holding on by a thread !

I wish I tried harder to connect with the Capt


----------



## ChemicallyEnhanced

What? What? WHAT?
No.
No.
I feel like crying. This is awful!

Somebody tell me this is just a really bad fucked up joke?

BL will not be the same without him


----------



## Iceman1216

This is so true and the only thing I have found that really works!


deficiT said:


> That is something I pray I will always keep in my heart. That no matter how bad things get, they can be overcome simply by helping another human.


----------



## JessFR

hylite said:


> I'm kind of really in shock.
> 
> I thought allot that it wasn't completely really intentional. This is really sad. Has he really left us.
> 
> He is missed so much already. It's tough to understand. Missing you always again. Forever.



I hate suggesting that I understand what other people are going through, cause even when you can, you can't.

So what I'll say is, I feel like I've been in shock too. Particularly in the first few days. I honestly can't believe it's been a week and a half.

I'm crying about it less. I still feel very conflicted though, because of other things I feel sad about other than caps death, and the reverse, things I didn't feel as sad about.

Much as I'd wish to say I've felt the same for everyone I've known, here and IRL who've died, it's not the truth. Some are harder than others. This is definitely the hardest death of someone I knew online.

Seems unfair, even if I know grief isn't a question of worth. It just is what it is. You feel it as much as you feel it.


----------



## lovemissile66

I think Captain Heroin caught my eye on BL the first time I lurked.  And then I saw his avatar/pic!!  And I thought 'what an intense dude'.  But because I am a heroin addict, I silently followed him until my 
pain made it impossible to stay quiet.  I cannot stop thinking about this.  Its really disturbing me.  This whole year has been a shit show.  I'm in the deepest depression ever, but no suicidal ideation.  I 
just can't accept that he is gone, because to me  HE IS BL!!!  Jesus, how many fucking posts did the guy write??? Prolific.  What a fucking shame and waste and hole for BL.


----------



## JessFR

lovemissile66 said:


> I think Captain Heroin caught my eye on BL the first time I lurked.  And then I saw his avatar/pic!!  And I thought 'what an intense dude'.  But because I am a heroin addict, I silently followed him until my
> pain made it impossible to stay quiet.  I cannot stop thinking about this.  Its really disturbing me.  This whole year has been a shit show.  I'm in the deepest depression ever, but no suicidal ideation.  I
> just can't accept that he is gone, because to me  HE IS BL!!!  Jesus, how many fucking posts did the guy write??? Prolific.  What a fucking shame and waste and hole for BL.



Cap has what looks like nearly 100,000 posts.

Even looking up a bunch of other notable names and adding them up, it still comes well short.

It's hard in some ways to imagine a bluelight without him. 

His name is probably what first caught my eye too, also being a heroin addict. Though I don't believe he'd been actively on heroin in a while, other drugs and other opioids but not heroin.


----------



## lovemissile66

I'm just vacillating between numb and pissed and deeply, deeply saddened.


----------



## lovemissile66

But in true honest form, I cannot say I will not pick up again.  Right now I am back to day 4 again.  I'm determined though.  That is really the fucked up part, yeah?  You lose an irreplaceable person and it still doesn't register enough to stop yourself from harm.


----------



## JessFR

lovemissile66 said:


> But in true honest form, I cannot say I will not pick up again.  Right now I am back to day 4 again.  I'm determined though.  That is really the fucked up part, yeah?  You lose an irreplaceable person and it still doesn't register enough to stop yourself from harm.



Stop yourself? First time I used heroin since pretty much the start of this year was a few days after finding out about caps death. Same with drinking now that I think of it. 

First time I'd used benzos in about 3 and a half years was the day I found out.

First time I'd had a cigarette in just shy of a year was the day I found out.

I don't think most addicts stop cause they've experienced a loss, they use more. Or start again.

Drugs are already very much an act of self medication and self soothing for many. More stress and more pain = more drugs to deal with it.

It's why I've been a lot more worried about everyone else right now, and I've seen others more worried about me.

Though I'd say caps death was more caused by mental illness than drug use, even though drugs were the cause of death.

Good luck man, it's not easy to stop, it's even harder to stay stopped.


----------



## birdup.snaildown

I used to use trauma as an excuse to relapse. I would sabotage my life so something fucked up happened and I had a good excuse to keep using... I'm in a different place now. CH's death had the opposite effect for me. I can't let myself end up like that. I don't want excuses any more. The more fucked up my life gets, the less I want to use.

Now I have a new problem. The more functional I become, the easier it is to justify using... At least this is an improvement.


----------



## JessFR

birdup.snaildown said:


> I used to use trauma as an excuse to relapse. I would sabotage my life so something fucked up happened and I had a good excuse to keep using... I'm in a different place now. CH's death had the opposite effect for me. I can't let myself end up like that. I don't want excuses any more. The more fucked up my life gets, the less I want to use.
> 
> Now I have a new problem. The more functional I become, the easier it is to justify using... At least this is an improvement.



Interesting.


----------



## nocebo

Damn, so surprised and saddened by this. I didn't get the chance to personally know Captn but as a long time lurker his posts were always here - informative, helpful and caring, some crazy, cool and everything in between. He struck me as a kind of guy who lived life to the fullest and did things on his terms. What a great guy.

It is hard to express in words what it means to lose a blulighter who meant a lot to so many. RIP CH


----------



## lovemissile66

JessFR said:


> Stop yourself? First time I used heroin since pretty much the start of this year was a few days after finding out about caps death. Same with drinking now that I think of it.
> 
> First time I'd used benzos in about 3 and a half years was the day I found out.
> 
> First time I'd had a cigarette in just shy of a year was the day I found out.
> 
> I don't think most addicts stop cause they've experienced a loss, they use more. Or start again.
> 
> Drugs are already very much an act of self medication and self soothing for many. More stress and more pain = more drugs to deal with it.
> 
> It's why I've been a lot more worried about everyone else right now, and I've seen others more worried about me.
> 
> Though I'd say caps death was more caused by mental illness than drug use, even though drugs were the cause of death.
> 
> Good luck man, it's not easy to stop, it's even harder to stay stopped.


I totally get where you are coming from, JessFR.  I think what I meant to say, is that the so-called Normies or non-addicted folks, would think "geez, why would anyone pick up after such a tragedy?

but I did the same thing as you.  When my partner of 20 years OD'd, the first thing I did was get high.  I've been using heroin as self medication for 18+ years now.  I'm on antidepressants and xanax when 

I need it. Xanax is a waste of time to me.  Its only good when mixed at night after I've done my dope and its time to sleep.  I'm careful. I use 1mg, lol!!!  Heroin, and I am not a chemist, but whatever the 

properties are that lie within it, they have hands down been the best antidepressant for me.  I pass as normal.  You would never know I use.  Been that way for years.  Which is what also has made it hard

to quit.  Takes away my pain, gives me energy to get shit done, puts me in the right head space.  I am truly sorry you are hurting so badly.  I hope your use isn't going to take you down an ugly path and 

that its short-term.  The fact that you think CH's death was caused more by mental illness gives me pause, because I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and major depressive disorder.  And sure, I have thought

how nice it would be to just disappear into the ether, I'm a pussy.  I would get my suicide attempt all fucked up and end up a vegetable or quadriplegic.


----------



## FuckinAcidMan

I just wanna say to everyone here who cares like 


I appreciate yall are still alive and trying to get better hopefully

I didn't know CH super well but I could tell dude really had moments of strength coupled with some super intense difficulties making sure he stayed on the right path and so on

It's fucking hard yall, no doubt but like


Please reach out to others or talk about your cravings and struggles with opiods, alcohol, meth whatever it may be

I love all yall for being the human beings you are, please keep playing the game, don't let yourself return to the darker places we all know how to go to


----------



## LucidSDreamr

Painful One said:


> I do understand how Chronic Pain just takes away your life.
> All you have left is to help others.
> That is huge though.


I keep hearing that everywhere, I'm the recovery community especially.

The closest I can get is being a good husband to my wife and living to try and make her happy and do what she likes, even though I'm am suicidal, in chronic pain, and one bad decision away from re-entering deep decent into the heavy IV opioid lifestyle. 

Like even if I'm miserable and wamt to do die...ppl keep saying help others. It will help you too.  I'm sure it works, I've experienced it.  

The problem is when you get aottle selfish and decide that your own suffering just can't be ameliorated by simply helping ppl. My suffering is not fair to endure and torture myself just to help others.

Maybe  missing a component of it because I've always been selfish and a loner.  But  told by others it's how ppl like me save themselves.  

I don't seem to be putting enough effort into this strategy though.


----------



## BehindtheShadow

Im actually quite devastated to hear this.

We were pretty close and I've been so wrapped up in my own life we've hardly spoken......


RIP my dear friend I love you


----------



## JessFR

Have missed you @BehindtheShadow

Hope you're doing OK.


----------



## schizopath

Its just starting to hurt. Damn.


----------



## JessFR

hylite said:


> damn. missing you.
> i know you didn't do it on purpose.
> right.



I don't believe he did. 
Sometimes when you don't wanna live it's easier to just keep walking right on the edge till you trip and fall off, rather than ever taking the jump yourself.


----------



## Ketamania

Sorry I haven't replied back everybody. I've been in so much grief because of CH amongst other things. I recently broke up with my abusive fiance of 2 and a half years as well so I'm going through a really rough time. In addition, I'm working 11hr back to back shifts as an EMT. I'm exhausted and depressed. 

I tried heroin for the first time, I meant to buy oxy but all the guy had was heroin so I tried it. It made me feel better, but it's only temporary, and I haven't used it since. 

Anyways, when I visited him two weeks before his death (his death hit hard because I had just seen him  ) we colored something together. I drew a cow, because I like animals and I'm interested in going to veterinary school. I tried to make it light and happy since I knew he was going through a rough time. He then colored in the rest, and it was obvious he was depressed by the way he "filled it in". But anyways, here it is: 




I am so touched by everyone's words. 

And yes, it was me who wrote that reddit post.


----------



## JessFR

Be careful with heroin, the destruction I've seen it bring in people is terrible, especially with the scourge of fentanyl in many places. 

Not that I'm exactly one to talk, I relapsed I'm heroin recently after this happened. 

Just, be careful, I hope you'll reach out to support if you at all feel like it could help.

Take care.


----------



## Ketamania

JessFR said:


> Be careful with heroin, the destruction I've seen it bring in people is terrible, especially with the scourge of fentanyl in many places.
> 
> Not that I'm exactly one to talk, I relapsed I'm heroin recently after this happened.
> 
> Just, be careful, I hope you'll reach out to support if you at all feel like it could help.
> 
> Take care.


Thank you, 
Much Love


----------



## BehindtheShadow

JessFR said:


> Have missed you @BehindtheShadow
> 
> Hope you're doing OK.


I'm doing as well as can be expected 

Lots of blessings in my life but still working through trauma 

Thank you for the check in


----------



## lovemissile66

ashwolf22101 said:


> Sorry I haven't replied back everybody. I've been in so much grief because of CH amongst other things. I recently broke up with my abusive fiance of 2 and a half years as well so I'm going through a really rough time. In addition, I'm working 11hr back to back shifts as an EMT. I'm exhausted and depressed.
> 
> I tried heroin for the first time, I meant to buy oxy but all the guy had was heroin so I tried it. It made me feel better, but it's only temporary, and I haven't used it since.
> 
> Anyways, when I visited him two weeks before his death (his death hit hard because I had just seen him  ) we colored something together. I drew a cow, because I like animals and I'm interested in going to veterinary school. I tried to make it light and happy since I knew he was going through a rough time. He then colored in the rest, and it was obvious he was depressed by the way he "filled it in". But anyways, here it is:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I am so touched by everyone's words.
> 
> And yes, it was me who wrote that reddit post.


Ashley, is that your piece of art to keep now?  If so, you are lucky to have shared that experience as difficult as it is to see his VERY obvious wish.  Treasure that piece.


----------



## birdup.snaildown

Since learning that a particularly volatile research chemical was involved in CH's death, I don't think we should speculate about suicide despite him being obsessed with it recently. It's very difficult when suicidal people don't leave notes. This has happened to me too many times... Although, I guess, it doesn't matter if it was self-inflicted. He's gone.

I regret not telling CH about our previous relationship when I had a different name, but we didn't always get along. I was afraid he'd still hold a grudge.

Regret is a bitch.


----------



## JessFR

birdup.snaildown said:


> Regret is a bitch.



Yeah 

Honestly I dunno if it's possible to experience a tragedy like this and not experience guilt. Assuming you're a regular person with a conscience and not some serious personality disorder.

I mean I'd like to think I was relatively close with cap. I'd spoken to him on voice on discord alone and in a group many times. I told him many times how worried I was that something like this might happen and that I was here if he wanted to talk to someone.

I still feel guilt. I look at conversations where I must have gotten distracted and didn't reply. I look at comments he made where I didn't emphasize harder how much I cared.

And I feel guilt, I feel like I didn't do enough, didn't show him I cared enough.

But that's what grief is like. It's never enough. That they died always makes it feel like you let them down.


----------



## axe battler

Fuck. I knew him from when I first started bluelighting though not well as we were across the Atlantic of eachother.
He gave me and so many others a lot of advice over the years, and to be honest I considered bluelight to be synonymous with him.
I remember him microdosing suboxone and following the slowest bupe taper ever by him.

Only to be snuffed out by some shitty RC opioid. Doesn't seem fitting somehow. Is this confirmed?

Rest in peace you rare and beautiful man x


----------



## schizopath

We had our ups and downs. But in the end I mostly remember the fun times we had in the past. Shame that he died, cried  2 days ago.


----------



## schizopath

And yeah, Cap was always on rc benzos cause his legal script got tossed out. But wasnt he always on meth too? Who cares in the end. Dude liked his drugs and with them found what he always wanted.


----------



## xaddictx

Although I never got to know Capt personally, I always read his posts. Each one being more unique than the other. It saddens me when I hear of a BLer passing. It just seems to me were all family here. I hope you have now found peace Capt. As you so deserve. Rest in Peace my man.


----------



## THECATINTHEHAT

Brutal.

As a bit of an old timer round here I'd had my share of chats with him along the way even though we didnt exactly know each other well. 

RIP


----------



## Painful One

LucidSDreamr said:


> I keep hearing that everywhere, I'm the recovery community especially.
> 
> The closest I can get is being a good husband to my wife and living to try and make her happy and do what she likes, even though I'm am suicidal, in chronic pain, and one bad decision away from re-entering deep decent into the heavy IV opioid lifestyle.
> 
> Like even if I'm miserable and wamt to do die...ppl keep saying help others. It will help you too.  I'm sure it works, I've experienced it.
> 
> The problem is when you get aottle selfish and decide that your own suffering just can't be ameliorated by simply helping ppl. My suffering is not fair to endure and torture myself just to help others.
> 
> Maybe  missing a component of it because I've always been selfish and a loner.  But  told by others it's how ppl like me save themselves.
> 
> I don't seem to be putting enough effort into this strategy though.


I hear you my friend.
I do.
I wish I had the answer.
I’m struggling too. 

All I can do is send my love to you.

Do the best you can. That is all we can do.

Love you and Love you all so much.
I am so sorry we are enduring this.


----------



## Painful One

I think the Captain is now our Guardian Angel.

I have felt his presence.

We have not lost him my dear friends. 
This is temporary. 
I have seen a better place in a Near Death Experience.
We will be reunited there.

I love you all. 
P.O.


----------



## Painful One

ashwolf22101 said:


> Sorry I haven't replied back everybody. I've been in so much grief because of CH amongst other things. I recently broke up with my abusive fiance of 2 and a half years as well so I'm going through a really rough time. In addition, I'm working 11hr back to back shifts as an EMT. I'm exhausted and depressed.
> 
> I tried heroin for the first time, I meant to buy oxy but all the guy had was heroin so I tried it. It made me feel better, but it's only temporary, and I haven't used it since.
> 
> Anyways, when I visited him two weeks before his death (his death hit hard because I had just seen him  ) we colored something together. I drew a cow, because I like animals and I'm interested in going to veterinary school. I tried to make it light and happy since I knew he was going through a rough time. He then colored in the rest, and it was obvious he was depressed by the way he "filled it in". But anyways, here it is:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I am so touched by everyone's words.
> 
> And yes, it was me who wrote that reddit post.


OMG! This has me on the ground sobbing.

Thank you so much for sharing this.
It was like a good bye from our beloved Captain.
He let us know he is ready.

See the Angel wings? 
He watches over us.


----------



## n3ophy7e

ashwolf22101 said:


>


I don't know about anyone else but this painting actually brings me a lot of closure and relief about Cap's passing. You can clearly see that he was ready to die, he'd come to terms with it. That is comforting to me. I hope it can bring a bit of solace to others as well  

Thank you SO much for sharing it with us Ash


----------



## blueberries

Oh jesus. I'm sorry I'm a bit late but CH was an hero (pun intended; I try to make bad things better with shit puns but..it's not really apt here).
Anyway yeah, fuck...I'll miss you man. You had a much better run than most of the stats so keep that in your...soul?

RIP


----------



## Egill

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


RIP CH


----------



## axe battler

Wow was that a captain h collaboration? Shit he wasn't well at all.


----------



## axe battler

The drawing that is


----------



## Jabberwocky

DeadManWalkin' said:


> I tried to help the dude, talk to him as much as possible but well - this may be roughly said but he got what wanted in the end.


I feel like I wish so much that I could have done more...like why couldn’t I do more...


----------



## Painful One

This was nobody’s fault my friends. 
I see so many of you feeling blame and guilt over what more you could have done.
We all tried.

This really was not even The Captain’s fault.
When a person is living with chronic pain, depression, and all the other problems that suffering can bring....well...there really does come a time when some kind of break takes place and it isn’t even a conscious choice really. 
It is just what happens and something we are all in danger of and we need to be aware of that.

This could be anyone of us at anytime. 
That is why it so important to stick together.
Help where you can and accept help when offered. 
Keep talking.
You cannot will power yourself through that kind of pain.

I know that CH is astonished at just how much he was and is still loved. 
He feels our love and he is in a place of love.
He would not want any of us to feel guilty over this. 

This life is not the end. 
I promise you.

Until we meet again Captain.
It was a pleasure knowing you. 
I was honored to be written of in your book. 
Love you so much!


----------



## n3ophy7e

Very well said P.O


----------



## Knickermallow

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


Hi there. I am brand new to the forum so I didn't know him like many of you do, but I do know loss, therefore, please allow me to mourn with you. I am very sorry for your loss.


----------



## JessFR

Audiobook said:


> I feel like I wish so much that I could have done more...like why couldn’t I do more...



It'd never have been enough hun.

What I mean is, some people, probably most people, are gonna feel like they didn't do enough when something like this happens. 

It doesn't matter how much you tried, it'll always feel like maybe you coulda done just that little bit more?

I know that and I still can't help feel guilt. Think about the times I was talking to him and didn't spend even more time trying to help then.

It's never enough. That he died feels like it proves you didn't do enough. But you gotta know at least to some degree, it's just part of the grieving process. To feel guilt and feel like maybe there was something, anything you could have done different, done that little bit better, invested that little bit more time.

It'd extremely hard, but we all tried to help him. So many of us had recently expressed our worries to him after his overdose earlier in the year.

I don't believe he intended to die when he did, but so long as he kept on the path he was on, it was gonna happen one day. And so many of us tried so hard to help him off it. 

But we weren't able too, and it's hard not to feel like in being unable too his death is partly our fault. It's not rational, it's just the way grief tends to work.


----------



## schizopath

axe battler said:


> Shit he wasn't well at all.


He was always like that, even years ago. His life was tragic.


----------



## axe battler

Shit man it's crazy how many peoples lives he touched. You're in Sweden and he was USA right? I think I remember you're from Sweden cause all you can get is bupe haha!


----------



## axe battler

schizopath said:


> He was always like that, even years ago. His life was tragic.


----------



## JessFR

schizopath said:


> He was always like that, even years ago. His life was tragic.



He had definitely been worse for the last few months prior to his death though.

I and know many others tried unsuccessfully to reach out to him.

But what can you do in this kind of situation? Even when you're a blood family member it's hard to do anything, cause you're entrapped into where you don't know the future and you don't know how any of the very slim number of things you can do will turn out.

Sometimes people find a way out of these serious depression tailspins, and sometimes they don't.


----------



## axe battler

Yeah they just come out of the blue. My partner accidentally od'd a month before our wedding as she had been suffering anxiety for months. She just got carried away one night with the etizolam and white Russians...then decided to try a swig of my methadone when I was passed out...she was cold and stiff when I woke up on the settee. 
That was 2 years ago and I'm still fucked up. But we had a little boy which is the only thing that stopped me from joining her.
Drugs fucking SUCK sometimes.


----------



## JessFR

axe battler said:


> Yeah they just come out of the blue. My partner accidentally od'd a month before our wedding as she had been suffering anxiety for months. She just got carried away one night with the etizolam and white Russians...then decided to try a swig of my methadone when I was passed out...she was cold and stiff when I woke up on the settee.
> That was 2 years ago and I'm still fucked up. But we had a little boy which is the only thing that stopped me from joining her.
> Drugs fucking SUCK sometimes.



Shit man, that's horrible, I'm really sorry.


----------



## Painful One

JessFR said:


> Shit man, that's horrible, I'm really sorry.


Me too @axe battler 
sincerely and deeply sorry.

Keep living.
Keep on keeping on. 
You have much to live for.


----------



## Painful One

I cannot bring myself to look at the last message I had from CH.
I thought I could do it today but my hands started shaking and I got sick to my stomach.
I feel guilty also friends.


----------



## JessFR

Painful One said:


> I cannot bring myself to look at the last message I had from CH.
> I thought I could do it today but my hands started shaking and I got sick to my stomach.
> I feel guilty also friends.



My advice? Maybe don't. At least not right now.

I have, read various messages I had with him just before his death, it's really brutal. If you're not entirely sure you wanna read them yet, perhaps don't just yet.


----------



## n3ophy7e

axe battler said:


> Yeah they just come out of the blue. My partner accidentally od'd a month before our wedding as she had been suffering anxiety for months. She just got carried away one night with the etizolam and white Russians...then decided to try a swig of my methadone when I was passed out...she was cold and stiff when I woke up on the settee.
> That was 2 years ago and I'm still fucked up. But we had a little boy which is the only thing that stopped me from joining her.
> Drugs fucking SUCK sometimes.


My heart just absolutely broke for you. I am so sorry that happened  I hope you and your little boy live a full and wonderful life together in memory of her 



JessFR said:


> My advice? Maybe don't. At least not right now.
> 
> I have, read various messages I had with him just before his death, it's really brutal. If you're not entirely sure you wanna read them yet, perhaps don't just yet.


This is actually very good advice. When my best friend Dan died, it took a good 6 months before I could bring myself to read the last message exchange we had. It was literally just a few hours before he ODd. When I finally did read the messages, I dropped my phone and had a complete meltdown. 

Don't do it until you feel ready.


----------



## lovemissile66

axe battler said:


> Yeah they just come out of the blue. My partner accidentally od'd a month before our wedding as she had been suffering anxiety for months. She just got carried away one night with the etizolam and white Russians...then decided to try a swig of my methadone when I was passed out...she was cold and stiff when I woke up on the settee.
> That was 2 years ago and I'm still fucked up. But we had a little boy which is the only thing that stopped me from joining her.
> Drugs fucking SUCK sometimes.


I can completely relate to what you wrote.  I lost my boyfriend/husband of 20 years to his OD...right in front of my eyes.  We were at the library and he went to shoot up in the bathroom and I just knew something was not right because he was taking too long.  So the FUCKING IDIOT security guards, whom I was screaming at to PLEASE go in the men's restroom and look for him...sat with their fingers up
their asses until finally (it literally felt like forever) someone I knew, a male friend, went in and found him on the floor.  He said to me "you do not want to go in there'.  That was 5 years ago and I am still a broken, sick, fucked up complicated person over it.  I have tremendous guilt because I gave him the shit.  Just a little because I knew his propensity for overdosing.  I honestly feel like I murdered him. I am 12 days clean for the first time in 8 years.  But there is no boasting over it, because I know I could cave any second, I so do not want to deal with the pain of losing him.  He was THE ONE for me.  Two peas in a pod type shit, ride or die.  It just fucking sucks.


----------



## Kittycat5

We were friends back when I modded but I disappeared and lost touch. But didn't want the guy to die. RIP CH


----------



## Keif' Richards

Rest in peace brotha. One of my original Bluelight idols. I didn't know the guy well or even know his actual name. He was one of the people who made me believe that we all not only had a voice that matters, but that we can actually affect change simply by being present and sharing our experiences.


----------



## VerbalTruist

We talked a lot back in the day... Goddamn. RIP


----------



## herbavore

I still cannot even believe this is true.


----------



## JessFR

herbavore said:


> I still cannot even believe this is true.



Same. It's unreal. I know it's true and yet it also seems like it can't be true. That it can't be that I'll never talk to him again. 

Fuck if I'm not careful I'm gonna start crying again.


----------



## axe battler

Last I remember he was heavily into dabs and Xanax. Was his name Andrew? How old was he? Are these too personal? He and I did chat on here a bit.


----------



## JessFR

axe battler said:


> Last I remember he was heavily into dabs and Xanax. Was his name Andrew? How old was he? Are these too personal? He and I did chat on here a bit.



Yes, and unless I'm mistaken he was in his mid-upper 30s. So not much older than me.


----------



## axe battler

Yeah I had a feeling he was about my age and I'm 36. I remember when I first started onnbl he was the first person I PM'd


----------



## axe battler

To change me user name j believe


----------



## n3ophy7e

JessFR said:


> Same. It's unreal. I know it's true and yet it also seems like it can't be true. That it can't be that I'll never talk to him again.
> 
> Fuck if I'm not careful I'm gonna start crying again.


Allow yourself to cry as much as you need to honey


----------



## JessFR

n3ophy7e said:


> Allow yourself to cry as much as you need to honey



Well I've certainly done plenty of that. I probably cried most of the day for the first couple days.

Seems like only very recently where I've started to sometimes, maybe, go a whole day any not cry about it. 

I also seem to sometimes, when it's late and my mental health isn't as good, sometimes I'll deliberately read either this thread or conversations I had with him, and that'll start me off again too. 

I dunno. I know from experience that it will get better. Eventually. But it takes time. 

I feel a giant mess of emotions. Sometimes just grief, sometimes guilt, sometimes I feel anger. I feel angry at him for all the times he brushed off our concerns that this might happen. Then back to guilt again. Guilt for not trying harder to be there for him, guilt for being angry that he wouldn't or couldn't let us help him.


----------



## n3ophy7e

JessFR said:


> Well I've certainly done plenty of that. I probably cried most of the day for the first couple days.
> 
> Seems like only very recently where I've started to sometimes, maybe, go a whole day any not cry about it.
> 
> I also seem to sometimes, when it's late and my mental health isn't as good, sometimes I'll deliberately read either this thread or conversations I had with him, and that'll start me off again too.
> 
> I dunno. I know from experience that it will get better. Eventually. But it takes time.
> 
> I feel a giant mess of emotions. Sometimes just grief, sometimes guilt, sometimes I feel anger. I feel angry at him for all the times he brushed off our concerns that this might happen. Then back to guilt again. Guilt for not trying harder to be there for him, guilt for being angry that he wouldn't or couldn't let us help him.


ALL of what you just said is very reminiscent of my grief journey for the first 6 months after my best friend Dan died. So I relate to that soooo much  It's all part of the grief process Jess, there's no right or wrong way to grieve, just go with it, let it wash over you, give yourself permission to feel it all.


----------



## Fiori di Bella

Andrew was 33.

One day he asked me if I could play cribbage which he learned from his grandparents. He told me that he loved it but didn’t know anyone who played. I told him, “Well now you do!” We made tentative plans to meet at a restaurant in LA when he was feeling better. But he just became more and more death/suicide obsessed. He didn’t go out a whole lot.


----------



## thedawn

herbavore said:


> I still cannot even believe this is true.


I know. It was you and CH who were my support system in 2013 and 14 when I was psychotic and using.


----------



## JessFR

Fiori di Bella said:


> Andrew was 33.



Are you certain? The number I had in my head was a few years older. Though I'm not certain where I got that number from.

Shit assuming that's right he was even younger than I thought, and really close to my age.


----------



## Fiori di Bella

I’m 100% sure. Unless he was telling tales!


----------



## JessFR

Fiori di Bella said:


> I’m 100% sure. Unless he was telling tales!



Wow. I didn't realize he was that close to my age. 

Thanks for letting me know though.


----------



## thelung

Aww man @Captain.Heroin was probably my favorite poster on the forum. Such an amazing, intelligent dude


----------



## Mafioso

fuck, who will I get my heroin from now.

 all jokes aside... im heartbroken and barely knew the guy.... hope his family and close friends are able to cope.


----------



## Phoenix_03

wow. i took a break from bluelight and sucks coming back to see this. i had only been reading Cap’s posts and comments for a year or 2, but i always enjoyed his contributions and advice. He was definitely one of the most loved members here, that was obvious already. i can’t imagine how painful this has been for those who were close to him or knew him offline. i know we all struggle and sometimes it shows in our posts or the way we say things. its hard to know when you should cross that line and ask if someone is ok or do they need help. i know i saw a few comments and posts from him that had me thinking he was going through something...and hes not the only one here who i’ve noticed sadness and pain in their words. but i never wanna make someone uncomfortable or mad by overstepping a boundary, but just asking someone if they are ok may be all they need to get through another day. I know i’m rambling and this may sound nonsensical, its just so sad to me. even without knowing someone you can start to feel like you know them online when they share parts of their lives with you.


----------



## n3ophy7e

Blueberry_87 said:


> but i never wanna make someone uncomfortable or mad by overstepping a boundary, but just asking someone if they are ok may be all they need to get through another day. I know i’m rambling and this may sound nonsensical, its just so sad to me. even without knowing someone you can start to feel like you know them online when they share parts of their lives with you.


It doesn't sound non-sensical at all Blueberry. We become quite emotionally close to people on here, even though it's only online. Maybe Cap's passing can spur you to reach out to those you think need help, or someone to talk to. We're all here for each other in this community


----------



## Fiori di Bella

Hello @JessFR, 
Please know, I intend no harshness with my words; I’m merely expressing my opinions. 

I have experienced the suicides of 5 people close to me. This certainly doesn’t give me any special knowledge regarding death that is chosen vs. natural. Nor does it get easier with age, nor the quantity of experiences. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that any person who speaks of their desire to engage in an early earthly exit, as fervently, frequently and passionately as Andrew did, generally do not OD without intent. 

Many of us spoke with him, and we knew how he sounded when sober. The way he sounded during the last 2 months of his life, told those of us who knew how he *should* sound that *he wasn’t doing well.*

*Let none of us have any guilt over his drug extravagances during this time. *I believe there was nothing anyone could do to stop him, and he always said that he had no control over the time and date of his death; though he was certain he would die young, however.


----------



## JessFR

@Fiori di Bella

On some level I realize that feeling guilt isn't rational. But I can't help it. I feel it anyway.

I feel guilty for not trying harder, for not being there more, not talking to him more.


----------



## n3ophy7e

Fiori di Bella said:


> *Let none of us have any guilt over his drug extravagances during this time. *I believe there was nothing anyone could do to stop him, and he always said that he had no control over the time and date of his death; though he was certain he would die young, however.


I wholeheartedly agree. And I have had this experience both with other Bluelighters and friends in real life. 




JessFR said:


> @Fiori di Bella
> 
> On some level I realize that feeling guilt isn't rational. But I can't help it. I feel it anyway.
> 
> I feel guilty for not trying harder, for not being there more, not talking to him more.


You will feel what you feel. But there really was nothing you could have done more to stop this from happening. Please try to start telling yourself this


----------



## meth444

R.I.P. Capitan. I'll miss you. You were a beacon of sanity.


----------



## birdup.snaildown

I'm sure CH would love to see all the love and kind words from so many people here.

I wonder if he knew how many people cared about him.


----------



## n3ophy7e

birdup.snaildown said:


> I'm sure CH would love to see all the love and kind words from so many people here.
> 
> I wonder if he knew how many people cared about him.


I wonder as well....I'm legitimately not sure. But I hope he did.


----------



## JessFR

birdup.snaildown said:


> I'm sure CH would love to see all the love and kind words from so many people here.
> 
> I wonder if he knew how many people cared about him.



I've wondered that too, what he would have thought if he could see this thread.


----------



## Fiori di Bella

I got the feeling that he knew he was respected for his drug experiences, HR and what he brought to BL. I’m not certain that he knew that so many fans appreciated his brilliant, though pained, genius.


----------



## Coxenormous




----------



## Coxenormous

@Captain.Heroin


----------



## Coxenormous

Ah man, I still have his phone number. I'm saving it now.  He used to call me and talk to me. He was a good dude.


----------



## JessFR

Thanks, didn't think I'd ever get to hear his voice again outside my memory.

Cap seemed to know everyone on bluelight to at least some degree.


----------



## Coxenormous

JessFR said:


> Thanks, didn't think I'd ever get to hear his voice again outside my memory.
> 
> Cap seemed to know everyone on bluelight to at least some degree.


----------



## Coxenormous

Sometimes. It's a good thing to record things. Esp when a person is gone


----------



## JessFR

Hard to listen too, nice to be able too though.


----------



## Fiori di Bella

@Coxenormous 
McStoney, thanks for providing a last listen to CH (Andrew)’s voice.


----------



## Jabberwocky

Coxenormous said:


>


I miss those long political talks with Cap. His ideologies may have been absurd, but his heart was golden.


----------



## endlessnameless

I heard about Captains passing on Reddit last night. I didnt know him personally, nor did I know he had videos out there on YouTube, but I remember reading many of his posts on BL over the years and so I wanted to stop by and pay my respects.

RIP Captain Heroin. I'm sorry you had to go the way you did - its a terrible shame and apparently you will be sorely missed by many, many people who's lives you've touched in one way or another. My condolences to his friends and family. Does anyone know if he had a family of his own (kids, a wife/girlfriend)? How old was he when he passed? Peace be with you Andrew.


----------



## Jabberwocky

endlessnameless said:


> I heard about Captains passing on Reddit last night. I didnt know him personally, nor did I know he had videos out there on YouTube, but I remember reading many of his posts on BL over the years and so I wanted to stop by and pay my respects.
> 
> RIP Captain Heroin. I'm sorry you had to go the way you did - its a terrible shame and apparently you will be sorely missed by many, many people who's lives you've touched in one way or another. My condolences to his friends and family. Does anyone know if he had a family of his own (kids, a wife/girlfriend)? How old was he when he passed? Peace be with you Andrew.


Ye, he was very close with his family - they funded his lifestyle. 
He was gay, so he didn't have children. He had some boyfriend thing going on last time I spoke to him.
Who the fuck posts BL shit on Reddit?


----------



## Prelude2TragedyII

Wow....
I have read countless posts by him over the last 10-15 years of being here. Learned a lot from him. Never got to meet him unfortunately.  He will be missed.


----------



## n3ophy7e

DeadManWalkin' said:


> Ye, he was very close with his family - they funded his lifestyle.
> He was gay, so he didn't have children. He had some boyfriend thing going on last time I spoke to him.
> Who the fuck posts BL shit on Reddit?


Please keep this thread for offering condolences for CH's passing, and not discuss his personal life, yeah?


----------



## axe battler

DeadManWalkin' said:


> I miss those long political talks with Cap. His ideologies may have been absurd, but his heart was golden.


Which ones Cap H? The one off camera talking?
If.so im glad cos I think the guys with the shades seems to be winging it a bit and the other guy seemed to really believe in what he's saying.


----------



## axe battler

Also I think although BL will never be the same without him, as said in the video the world keeps turning.

I ALWAYS read a captain h post. I wonder why he ditched the green font...


----------



## n3ophy7e

axe battler said:


> Which ones Cap H? The one off camera talking?
> If.so im glad cos I think the guys with the shades seems to be winging it a bit and the other guy seemed to really believe in what he's saying.


Correct.


----------



## JessFR

axe battler said:


> Also I think although BL will never be the same without him



No it won't.


----------



## axe battler

Also I'm sure I was friends with him on the old version but maybe not. Eva's died and he's still on my follow list. Maybe I'm mistaken and wish I'd made a request as I say we chatted about some heavy shit. I'm gonna go back and read our old chats when I get time.


----------



## iLoveYouWithaKnife

DrinksWithEvil said:


> RIP CH You loved me here when noone else did.


He loved us pathetic worthless junkies more than we love junk.

CH had an incredible way about himself that allowed him to be genuinely kind to everyone.


----------



## exxplorer

I was used to see jim here, always had good advice while talking sole )t we I didn't ,

He was part of Blue light.
All hope for all his family, fiends, all onnNliliffi


----------



## falsifiedhypothesi

I never look at the homepage, I just saw this... 
I'm gonna miss him, he had a great sense of humor.


----------



## puke

A lot of his posts are really morbid, so sad. RIP Cap!!


----------



## JessFR

puke said:


> A lot of his posts are really morbid, so sad. RIP Cap!!



He had become increasingly obsessed with death and suicide over the last few months. 

He had more posts than probably everyone over a LONG time, he wasn't always like this, or certainly not this bad.


----------



## JessFR

hylite said:


> Omg. He  really did this. I didn't think  he would. That's why sometimes I think he is coming back. Still. ♡



Yeah. I mean, I was afraid it would end up like this, I told him that, but I still held out hope it wouldn't.


----------



## n3ophy7e

hylite said:


> Omg. He  really did this. I didn't think  he would. That's why sometimes I think he is coming back. Still. ♡





JessFR said:


> Yeah. I mean, I was afraid it would end up like this, I told him that, but I still held out hope it wouldn't.


I wish I could give you both a big hug.


----------



## tweakette

I been on blue light since 2008 and have gone back and forth with him many times on my posts. I didn’t know him, but he cared and you could tell. It’s never nice to lose someone and especially to an OD. Rest In Peace. With all the stuff we have seen on the drugs we have done there has got to be something more. Maybe after life it’s the perfect trip.


----------



## strangeaeon

Idk why i keep thinkig of this dude if we spoke for such a short time in private, i feel like his death was an absolute waste of potential, he was hands down the smartest and maybe the nicest dude i ever spoke to. He left alot of love for stubborns like me. I do not believe he died on purpose, people lose control when they use and this shit happens. I should be dead too but i still got pain to go through.
Anyway... not sure if someone already asked but uhh he sent me a novel he wrote, alot of pages, about 700 or more, and my dumb ass deleted the whole thing along with all the links to his noise project (suicide obsession... thats what it was called) if any of u want to make my day, just send it to me pl0x


----------



## doIhavePotential

I remember seeing him a long time ago on the forums. Rest in peace dude and all those who died from substance use


----------



## strangeaeon

hylite said:


> I mean I just want you to come back  🕊


Yes me too. Andrew if you can see this, i am sorry for being a horrible friend and if we meet again i will make it up to you  i had no idea this would happen, i would have been a better friend... Guess i learned something from you, again.


----------



## n3ophy7e

strangeaeon said:


> his noise project


Far out, I remember wayyyyy back when he only just started out with his noise stuff!!! I don't have any links to any of his recordings though, I'm sorry. But for what it's worth I really appreciated what he was doing with it


----------



## MydriHaze

I remember 2 or 3 years back i suggested that an opiates harm-reduction section should be created, at that time you had all kind of forums and subforums, but strangely, even so it kills so many people, the opiates didn't have even a sub-section on the forum, now less than before of course...


----------



## strangeaeon

n3ophy7e said:


> Far out, I remember wayyyyy back when he only just started out with his noise stuff!!! I don't have any links to any of his recordings though, I'm sorry. But for what it's worth I really appreciated what he was doing with it


he finished it when he showed me, wanted to sell it for like 14 grand it consisted of about 5 cds and it was a real brutal noise wall that i would have gone crazy about when i was a teen, haha he was real proud of it even sent me the software cuz i wanted to record one too 
edit: omg i found the link should i post it or


----------



## strangeaeon

Bruh a taxi driver took me to church today and i started crying like crazy when the pastor said something about dying young, the person next to me handed me toilet paper for my tears i felt like such an idiot


----------



## n3ophy7e

strangeaeon said:


> Bruh a taxi driver took me to church today and i started crying like crazy when the pastor said something about dying young, the person next to me handed me toilet paper for my tears i felt like such an idiot


No need to feel like an idiot for crying, brother  We cry for a reason. We're human. It's a beautiful thing 
I hope you're feeling okay today 



			
				strangeaeon said:
			
		

> edit: omg i found the link should i post it or


Ummm, I'm inclined to say no, don't post the link publicly, keep his work private. Perhaps if people want the link they can message you for it??


----------



## chinky

No way..


----------



## JessFR

strangeaeon said:


> Bruh a taxi driver took me to church today and i started crying like crazy when the pastor said something about dying young, the person next to me handed me toilet paper for my tears i felt like such an idiot



You're not alone. I've been crying periodically all month.


----------



## MydriHaze

JessFR said:


> You're not alone. I've been crying periodically all month.


Nothing is lost.....


----------



## Fiori di Bella

If you were dealing with a family member that OD’d, would you rather not know if it was intentional or not? 

I lost a close friend last May. She drank herself to death, but she was also despondent re: not having a job, COVID, and other things.

If my daughter died of an OD, I wouldn’t want to know that it was an intentional act. 

I feel quite sad about my Dad’s suicide but I have lots of respect for how he handled it.


----------



## MydriHaze

My grand-dad suicide was also a "classic", mine will surely be bullshits...


----------



## azgaza

I haven't been active on blue light in quite a few years and based on how he was doing years ago I did not see this coming  to everyone who knew him better than me, I'm sorry for the loss of a person who without ever having a direct 1 one 1 conversation left a lasting impression on me.


----------



## lucifersam666

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


Damn. Long live Captain.heroin. You helped so much on this forum. This truly saddens me to read this  rest in peace man
Sending good energy to your loved ones. You were a real one.


----------



## strangeaeon

JessFR said:


> You're not alone. I've been crying periodically all month.


 Am sorry  this just happened in a very painful time of my life, but i imagine that you knew him better than i did and for way longer too, am sorry  but i think that you are lucky for that, for knowing him since way back, he was super interesting and fun, i do miss him


----------



## JessFR

strangeaeon said:


> Am sorry  this just happened in a very painful time of my life



Same, IME bad shit seems to so frequently cluster together.


----------



## JahBeeuS

Well...shit.  Him and I rarely saw eye to eye on much of anything but we both managed to get over ourselves and see the humanity in one another.  I am glad we were able to forgive each other our transgressions before he moved on from this earthly plane.  I'm sorry we weren't able to meet up last time I was in the area but I'm glad we kept the conversation going.  It's quite lovely to see all the lives he touched here and even while he was experiencing so much pain, confusion, and despair, he always managed to make himself available and of service to others.

Strange to say but I think I might actually miss his pages of triple-sad-posting in the lounge.   


May your dust forever find it's way blowing in the wind entwined with p-lo & the others & love.  Thank you for making me a better man.


----------



## PriestTheyCalledHim

JessFR said:


> He had become increasingly obsessed with death and suicide over the last few months.
> 
> He had more posts than probably everyone over a LONG time, he wasn't always like this, or certainly not this bad.


I noticed this as well. I was friends with him and we would chat on instant messenger programs back when those were used, but when he started with the suicide and death stuff I pulled away for the sake of my own recovery and mental health.

Don't worry, I am fine this was when I was in grief over multiple family members and friends dying.


----------



## Jabberwocky

Fiori di Bella said:


> Hello @JessFR,
> Please know, I intend no harshness with my words; I’m merely expressing my opinions.
> 
> I have experienced the suicides of 5 people close to me. This certainly doesn’t give me any special knowledge regarding death that is chosen vs. natural. Nor does it get easier with age, nor the quantity of experiences.
> 
> I’ve come to the conclusion that any person who speaks of their desire to engage in an early earthly exit, as fervently, frequently and passionately as Andrew did, generally do not OD without intent.
> 
> Many of us spoke with him, and we knew how he sounded when sober. The way he sounded during the last 2 months of his life, told those of us who knew how he *should* sound that *he wasn’t doing well.*
> 
> *Let none of us have any guilt over his drug extravagances during this time. *I believe there was nothing anyone could do to stop him, and he always said that he had no control over the time and date of his death; though he was certain he would die young, however.


I agree with this.

You either put aside suicidal ideation or you die.

I feel bad I could not do anything, but I knew it was bad with him.


----------



## Jabberwocky

PriestTheyCalledHim said:


> I noticed this as well. I was friends with him and we would chat on instant messenger programs back when those were used, but when he started with the suicide and death stuff I pulled away for the sake of my own recovery and mental health.
> 
> Don't worry, I am fine this was when I was in grief over multiple family members and friends dying.


I had to pull away as well because I was dealing with a lot of stuff myself…it happens and tbh there wasn’t anything we could have done over the internet.

I want people to understand that you can talk to someone online or IRL but you can’t force them to get better.


----------



## jssheld

I just started coming back to BL but even when I first signed up I remember the name Captain Heroin. We play a very dangerous game and this shows that it can take down even the most experienced.


----------



## Specified

Talked a few times on discord and online....seemed like a chill dude  and i know he would be laughing, smiling, giving me shit in a good way wherevere he is.https://youtu.be/MjtOzLfebgY


----------



## Specified




----------



## lovemissile66

hylite said:


>


Ok, I'm slow.  But those look like pink marshmallows?!


----------



## Ganjcat

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


Shit man some people I just never think that this would ever happen to what a waste after all the shit he went through quitting certain drugs I didn't know him as well as most here just had a bit of banter here and there lol but he was a proper stand up guy I could tell and he was honest about what he believed in that's a very good trait to have I know he dealt with a bit of depression to etc, wherever he is looking down on us from now I hope he is in a lighter happier place and away from his demons and darkness at last rest in piece my bro you have told me some important bits of wisdom during my time wisdom that has helped me I will always be forever grateful for that friend this has reminded me that this really can happen to anyone I still can't believe cap h of all people, ...idk I still can hardly believe it now and any minute I keep expecting to see a new post of his about something.. anything respect bro and respect to all your family, friends and online friends


----------



## Ganjcat

Cream Gravy? said:


> God please tell me this is another cruel joke...


I still can't believe it I don't know what was going on but he just seems like the type of person who would never die if that makes sense just doesn't feel real obviously it sadly is but doesn't feel like it.. fuck man


----------



## Ganjcat

MsDiz said:


> I had many long convos with CH and he was always so tortured and struggled a lot. My first discord friend. He loved walking the trails at Griffith park, he loved the observatory and interacting with people and I’d be so shocked he’d ask the questions he did to strangers.
> We grew apart the last few months although we did have a few convos in that time.
> 
> I really do hope he is at peace now.


I read some of his posts in the dark side he obviously had a lot of demons at least he was obviously loved and hopefully he knew that I've been on this site for nearly 8 years now I've been reading his posts all that time I feel like I've lost an uncle just feel empty thinking about it I've not really been on here for months except the last few days and I was only popping on the other day to check my inbox then I ... seen the news and my jaw just dropped open for what felt like 20 min but I don't suppose it was more than 2.. I just wanted to write something out of respect despite any problems he had he was a true legend and at least he will never be forgotten I think he will always have a presence here in bluelight especially the sections he used to moderate I'm gonna get off now because I'm honestly just feeling more depressed and empty the more I think about him he had his whole life ahead of him and everything I don't even wanna know how it happened it will just upset me more... When you think you've about seen and been through everything especially all the shit that's going on round the world and then life throws out another twisted thing... I'm sorry I don't know what else to say


----------



## lovemissile66

lovemissile66 said:


> Ok, I'm slow.  But those look like pink marshmallows?!


Y'all WTF are those pink marshmallow things???? Its driving me crazy!!


----------



## LucieQuinn

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


Too bad.


----------



## Joey

He was a beautiful person? Why don't we enshrine him today? It's been a month.


----------



## JessFR

Outlier said:


> He was a beautiful person? Why don't we enshrine him today? It's been a month.



Longer than actually. I agree. I don't especially have a preference on when, but it should happen eventually.

I think there's actually 2 threads covering his death though.


----------



## Joey

I didn't mean the question mark on if he's a beautiful person. We need to enshrine this. This man didn't have 100,000 posts nearly for no reason, no matter how determined he was

I miss him so much.


----------



## Cheshire_Kat

Outlier said:


> I didn't mean the question mark on if he's a beautiful person. We need to enshrine this. This man didn't have 100,000 posts nearly for no reason, no matter how determined he was
> 
> I miss him so much.


Punctuation kills, doesn't it @Outlier ?


----------



## Joey

Cheshire_Kat said:


> Punctuation kills, doesn't it @Outlier ?


That's cold. But it set the stage anyhow right?


----------



## JessFR

Outlier said:


> I miss him so much.



Yeah 
Me too...


----------



## Joey

I wish things were different. But we need to move on. We always will, everyone for all the time were alive. Let's make a shrine. Please.


----------



## Cheshire_Kat

> Cheshire_Kat said:
> 
> 
> Punctuation kills, doesn't it @Outlier ?


That's cold. But it set the stage anyhow right?


It wasn't meant to be cold, it was meant to show how one single character changes the apparent meaning of a post AND how it can be quite innocent and accidental.


----------



## JessFR

Outlier said:


> I wish things were different. But we need to move on. We always will, everyone for all the time were alive. Let's make a shrine. Please.



There should definitely be a shrine, perhaps a senior mod could merge the two existing threads (assuming my memory is correct and there's another one in the lounge).

Or move both but lock one?


----------



## Joey




----------



## mal3volent

Merged threads from TDS and TL and moved to Shrine.

Let's keep his memory alive.


----------



## Joey

iLoveYouWithaKnife said:


> He loved us pathetic worthless junkies more than we love junk.
> 
> CH had an incredible way about himself that allowed him to be genuinely kind to everyone


This


mal3volent said:


> Merged threads from TDS and TL and moved to Shrine.
> 
> Let's keep his memory alive.


Thank you


----------



## JessFR

Wow... So it's finally here, a shrine thread for cap. I mean I know it's a small symbolic thing moving the thread, still, can't say it doesn't hurt, or bring back up some existing hurt. 

I'm glad it's been moved though, thanks @mal3volent


----------



## Gozlinchick

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


I remember him well, always supporting other members. So sad that he relapsed


----------



## jhjhsdi

After my initial raising a glass for him, on numerous occasions after preparing a shot, right before I spike my vein (with ketamine ftr) i have (sat by myself) done a physical salute navy style and said "this ones for you Cap"

BL makes me feel kinda sad/nostalgic now especially when i post in his threads (ie the lyrica megathread) although I am happy to have talked to, laughed with and learned so much from Cap.
He was always here from when I joined like a decade ago. 
R.I.P


----------



## Soso78

So sad. 
it’s what he wanted though. He wished for death for a long time.


----------



## lovemissile66

JessFR said:


> There should definitely be a shrine, perhaps a senior mod could merge the two existing threads (assuming my memory is correct and there's another one in the lounge).
> 
> Or move both but lock one?


I totally agree.  Just the mass amount of energy and TRUE thoughtfulness he put into his responses is remarkable.  I am having a hard time now looking at his posts.  They were MASSIVE!  And he didn't just say things off the cuff, he really cared.  And therefore, this chick thinks he deserves a shrine.  Shit, he was on this site back when I was just starting to use heroin.  And his avatar was what kept bringing
me back.  I was only lurking then (didn't have a proper habit yet), but learned SO MUCH from him.  I am really fucked up over this and I did not know him personally.  It hurts when someone so kind
and caring but definitely wrecked inside, is taken out.  To me, he was Bluelight.


----------



## lovemissile66

hylite said:


>


PLEASE TELL ME WTF THESE ARE!!!!!!  Its driving me crazy


----------



## JessFR

hylite said:


> marshmallow dessert squares. Mmmm.



I thought they were marshmallows but the photo makes it a little hard to be sure.


----------



## lovemissile66

Outlier said:


>


this is making me cry. I fucking love Nirvana and Andrew is giving props excellently.


----------



## lovemissile66

lovemissile66 said:


> PLEASE TELL ME WTF THESE ARE!!!!!!  Its driving me crazy


(y)


----------



## Joey

lovemissile66 said:


> this is making me cry. I fucking love Nirvana and Andrew is giving props excellently.


Hey thank you. I really wanted to dedicate something to him. That means a lot. This situation has been really hard on me too. We were close for awhile between last fall and until about the month before he died. We were both going through some tough shit and I feel bad that I never talked to him those last days.

He was seriously the craziest, but the most intelligent person I knew. He always thought that he wasn't any good but then there would be some hope because he'd have these glimmers of realization that he did care a lot about others and that made him a better person. He was actually really good and is one of the main ones who supported me through some major crises last fall. He'd always check in to chat. Talk about his philosophical ideologies. All this stuff. He was really cool. I miss him.


----------



## acidhousechild

I've browsed this website for probably 5 years before making a account and his name always stuck out to me and seen him on plenty of helpful topics with good advice. I always tell myself with what I learned I can use drugs safely with knowledge but they can take anyone.


----------



## twotoomany

How many of us has helped?  How many had he literally SAVED from doing stupid things. Ugh. This hurts. RIP, man…


----------



## Just A Guy

Aww, Captain! You were incredibly helpful to do many people, and I will miss you. It's sad that I've returned to BL too late to talk to you again after all these years. Peace be yours brother.


----------



## tremours

i have'nt been on this site in a long time but this news was unexpected, rip


----------



## JessFR

Thinking of you. 
Man I wish you were still with us.


----------



## axe battler

hylite said:


>


Ha that's funny yet beautiful


----------



## Tryptamino

RIP

wow

such a loss for this community. So sad to read this.


----------



## JessFR

hylite said:


> Yes, It is quiet without you here. I remember your last few months. You barely posted. I wish I would have talked with you. But I had said my reception was very bad.
> I want to leave more cookies or some flowers again. I know I have to let you go. I will remember you always and will never forget you either. ♡ RIP. Say hello to it all where you are at right now. Where you left us to go. Yes say hello to heaven.  Take care. You were the bomb. That is if you are really gone. I know you are. You were and are in all of our hearts however though forever. Thank you Captain for being you.



I tried on a few occasions to reach out to him during that period. He was clearly very depressed. I wish so much that I could have helped him. 

It's hard sometimes not to feel like I should have done more, that I let him down in some way.


----------



## Fiori di Bella

As the daughter of someone who was depressed and checked out purposefully, I can tell you, no one is to blame. My dad’s boyfriend was home when it happened. I don’t blame him. He was always trying out new substances and mixing things to catch that high. I have weekly dreams that he’s still here and we’re talking. 
I believe Andrew was much the same way. He’d go through periods of depression and then he’d be happy for awhile. I don’t mean to sound callous, but short of restraining him, I doubt anyone could have prevented this.


----------



## JessFR

Fiori di Bella said:


> As the daughter of someone who was depressed and checked out purposefully, I can tell you, no one is to blame. My dad’s boyfriend was home when it happened. I don’t blame him. He was always trying out new substances and mixing things to catch that high. I have weekly dreams that he’s still here and we’re talking.
> I believe Andrew was much the same way. He’d go through periods of depression and then he’d be happy for awhile. I don’t mean to sound callous, but short of restraining him, I doubt anyone could have prevented this.



Yea, part of me knows that. Part of me knows feeling guilt is just part of the whole process of grief. But it doesn't stop it from often still feeling very real, and still feeling like I should have done more, taken more time to talk to him, etc. That even if it wouldn't have changed the outcome, that I still somehow let him down in the end.


----------



## Fiori di Bella

I totally get that. It took a fair amount of therapy for me to arrive at the place I am today—that is absolving myself of any guilty feelings in my dad’s suicide.


----------



## schizopath

I remember you laughing at me singing the killers. I really looked up To you for a long time. Mixed feelings. Still a shame. I know it wasnt intentional but damn.


----------



## nznity

Rest in Pesce CH. I'm speechless....


----------



## Iceman1216

The Captain was Just a breath of fresh air for me, we could not have had more different circumstances, but both struggled with the Disease of Addiction!! I loved to see and then read his input and help  to all and anyone's problems. CH was a caring soul, he will be missed! RIP , brother


----------



## Mrsamistaken

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray for all of you and your loved ones. Be safe out there.


----------



## meth444

My friend OD'd in my bathroom a few hours. I wrote a post that's in the dark side now. Survivors hell. CH and now Nate.


----------



## prince_igor

although you may not have known me as igor captain we have crossed paths in the past.

may your soul be granted eternal ecstasy and know that your contributions to the world were great.

you will be greatly missed.


----------



## the_ketaman

I can't count how many old schoolers are dead either from drugs or tragic accidents.
We play a very dangerous game I'm in pretty shocked that I'm still standing and some of the people I consider much more intelligent and knowledgeable than me have passed away. It's beyond sad and for a long time wondered when my turn was. But I think I just made it through. Now I just need to stay sane from the meth, haven't done h in 5 months.
Hope your blessing out up in heaven brother RIP!


----------



## nuttynutskin




----------



## bulldog99

Haven't been here in a while and I find out CH has passed. What a shock and feeling sad though I barely knew him. He was still a senior moderator when I joined but he than resigned but was still active on bluelight. He seemed to be doing okay when I joined but from what I read he was very depressed. He was a legend and will be missed. After being clean for quite a while something went terribly wrong to make him start again.  May his memory be eternal and RIP CH.


----------



## Jennyfur_Karma_Kin

I'm so sorry to hear this.  I didn't know him personally, but he was a familiar name to me on BL, back in the old days.  My condolences to those who loved him.


----------



## Snafu in the Void

I was thinking about you today Andrew. What you would tell me in this situation. What new artwork you would want to show me after I brought it up. Wish I could call you on discord right now. Love you man.


----------



## on.my.way🌿

Bye CH  rest in peace


----------



## Illyria99

He was always very kind to me, especially when I first joined. I'll never forget that. He'll be greatly missed.


----------



## SmilexGwG

God it hurts to see someone who worked so hard on helping others accidently hurt himself.

Before i made an account here your information really did alot for me. Thank you for that


----------



## OEandricearoni

Pretty upset to hear this. He was a great dude willing to take the time to help and give advice to anyone. He will be missed bluelight wont be the same without him..i.havent been on here much the last few years but he was really a staple member back when I frequented the forums 

RIP my heart bleeds for his family and friends, and everyone here on BL will miss him like no other!


----------



## dragonix

My condolences I remember him from years and years ago here what a nice soul tragedy indeed


----------



## TheUltimateFixx

I now regret putting off joining here for so long,  since that hesitation made me miss my opportunity to ever talk to you.
 I probably read every single one of your posts, feeling as though we might connect,  since much of your obvious issues with chronic depression /  suicidal thoughts were a mirror to my own. 

... My sincere condolences go out to everyone here who personally knew you. They will have lost that very rare thing ; a real friend. 

  To me you were the truest voice of this place, and I feel I should thank you even though you cannot now acknowledge the thanks. 
I never had the privilege of exchanging thoughts and words with you, through my own negligence.  Allow me to wish you peace, comrade, wherever you are. 

'O Captain, our Captain! 
The prize you sought is won :
Your ship is anchor'd safe at last,
The fearful voyage done.' 

(paraphrased from Walt Whitman)


----------



## Dtergent

Rest in peace


----------



## Ketamania

Thought of you today man


----------



## Placebodie

Damn that really sucks he was such a good and helpful person, I can't imagine what his family is going through if us here are bluelight are this upset. It doesn't make it better, but the only thing that gives me solace is the fact that he died in the most peaceful way possible. Goddamn you will be missed and I pray for his family. Cause last year I lost my dad to a heroin overdose 8 days from his 59th birthday. I had 6 vials of narcan or Naloxone and a nasal spray. I think someone sabotaged me because I kept it all on the top of my bookshelf. Well whenever he fell out i searched for 5-10 minutes cause I knew it was there so I didn't call an ambulance right away so it's hard not to blame myself. Cause there was nothing they could do and they tried. They even tried to blame me for not stopping him from taking it. And the reason I think I was sabotaged was because 6 days later I found all the vials and everything full under a bunch of stuff under my closet, which was a real slap in the face. Sorry to get off topic.

But CaptainHeroin you will be loved and missed by everyone this forum. It's so sad to lose anyone especially drug addicts that have good souls, and wouldn't steal anything from anyone ever. Because those are rare breeds


----------



## Mor-feind

*R.I.P CH*

   your advice helped me many times especially against doing stupid shit in the future that without seeing your advice previously , I may have done... You've helped many ppl greatly especially me, OD won't be the same without you  ... hope his family sees this and sees the good he did for many ppl,maybe even saving lives.. ppl tend to think because you're a drug addict or in active addiction you can't help others, but CH proves that wrong he helped me on many occasions that no one else thought was worth their time he took the time to help ppl even with the dumbest  most basic ?'s that some would say every drug addict should know, he still would take the time to share his wisdom.. R.I.P Brother!


----------



## Bugzelot

I didn't know him. I don't know any people here really. I am a hit and run poster and not as social as I once used to be online. I want to pass my deepest condolences onto his family and his close friends here on the forum. I remember losing friends on some forums I was a member on over twenty years ago and it's really hard even though the friendships are virtual, they are still veyr real. Rest in peace, Captain. Warmest regards.


----------



## Docsrun

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.



That’s too bad, he was a great person. RIP


----------



## Auranova

Captain was the first guy to reach out to me when I joined this site. A great guy and a tragic loss for this community.  Rest In Peace brother.


----------



## Fellon n sellin

Never was personally close to him and I’m not gonna pretend I was.
but when I was a lurker for a long time
His knowledge kept me from dying many many times among countless other information about harm reduction etc.

RIP to a good and caring person I wish there was something more to say then that to make his family and friends feel better but sadly I know there isn’t.

I send my prayers and my condolences wholeheartedly


----------



## Hippy Flower Fairy

This is so sad, he's the first person I knew from Bluelight that has died, we chatted about random stuff on here on my old profiles, I've just re-joined and find this out, I can't believe he's passed away, but like others have said he's free and at peace now, I've not been on here for months, I had no idea he was suicidal because he didnt seem that way the last time I was on Bluelight and I saw his comments on here, he was a funny bloke, I liked him 

R.I.P


----------



## MyBodyMyMindOurUniverse

I've been inactive  for a couple months to cool off after a scare, So I'm just finding this out now. My condolences to his family; his blood family and the family he chose. While we were not close, I did have the privilege of interacting with the good Capt. once or twice, but the wealth of HR posts and generally solid advice he consistently posted, were/are invaluable to me. They've helped me make educated choices, laugh, cry, reflect.. he was a pillar of this community.

@Captain.Heroin ,
You left too soon,
but at least you died doing what you love.

Rest easy my guy, Your finally free.


----------



## wormie73

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.





ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


I'm so saddened to hear this! My deepest condolences to his close friends and family


----------



## AbbeyLee

I remember him from when I was last here. My younger brother went the same way in 2014 

RIP


----------



## JessFR

Miss you cap.


----------



## 41Fever

Damn. I just logged in for the first time in probably a few years to try and look up some hr advice I'd recalled reading from the Captain and I see this. I didn't know him but always really appreciated and felt confident in his info and will remember his contribution. Thanks for all the wisdom Cap!


----------



## Shady's Fox

This was his wish, I've never met someone more vertical but diagonally than him, he was one in his own breed ahaha. I dunno what to say, I don't hold feelings towards virtual ''relationships'' if I can call'em so but it is pretty gloomy since he was a good cheese in dog's bellows. Rest in the love you were searching for.


----------



## joemidlife

This is my fist time back on Bluelight in many years. I have never read a word written by this man but seeing how much he has touched peoples lives genuinely moved me ( also made me realize how little of a mark I have made in my life ). My love and thoughts go out to those close ( and distant ) to him. Opiates do nothing but take yet we give all we have to have them take from us.
Much love people
Joe


----------



## Joey

I only knew you for a little less than a year but we spent a lot of hours going over everything. Miss you brother. It'd be cool to have another chat with you showing me all your endless knick knacks and enthusiasm for all the detail in all of it. I remember you showed me a board game you and your dad made together when you were a kid and you went over all the rules with me and everything. I hope your family knows how much they did (do?) mean to you.


----------



## candidsurprise

Fuck, no.... So sad to hear this


----------



## totach

Still can’t believe captain is gone . One of the only memebers I private messaged with . I hope he is in a better place now . Rip!! will never forget you.


----------



## exxplorer

I've read so much for him, never posted something since recently... just reading was helping me.
His name was maybe the first name I've seen here, really I think.
Was reading about sad..bad habit..how to manage myself.
I quit, he didn't.

I see many people going OD, and always the same question..was it an accident, or was it voluntary. I struggled a lot with that.
Because I know how you can do the jump..

He did it.

Sorry for all of his friends, I know he was there a lot for many people here..sorry for his family, it hurts.

All good everyone.


----------



## OntarioGuy

Wow, i havent been here for a few months and am o ly just hearing this....CH was one of my first friends herw on bl over 12 years ago....great guy, always pmd me had some nice chats. Im in canada and so we would swap stories of our local.scenes whzt was available. Price etc. And obviously chemistry and harm reduction.

Gona miss  you bro,

The OG


----------



## damagedun

damn just saw this now for the first time, what a bummer.  R.I.P. Captain H, old school for life.


----------



## 6am-64-14m

im feelin ya brother 
not long what is time, no?
1


----------



## Nhop1970

I haven't been around here in a long time and just found out today. I was mostly lurking back then, but remember being struck by his knowledge, intelligence, and humanity.


----------



## Valdome

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


I pray that his passing was painless and that he is now in a state of perpetual bliss which feels 10x better than any high.
Some asshole dealer maybe put fentanyl in his heroin and he didn’t know it…that’s how I think most OD’s happen these days.  GD fentanyl.


----------



## 6am-64-14m

I miss you mutha fucka


----------



## JessFR

Valdome said:


> I pray that his passing was painless and that he is now in a state of perpetual bliss which feels 10x better than any high.
> Some asshole dealer maybe put fentanyl in his heroin and he didn’t know it…that’s how I think most OD’s happen these days.  GD fentanyl.



That's not what happened. When I spoke to him he indicated he hadn't been using heroin for some time. He died of an overdose of an RC opioid (2map237 iirc).

Was nobodies fault.


----------



## mygreenbic

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


 I almost feel guilty for letting him go without a talk after seeing that this would probably be his demise. A life on opiods is unsustainable .,.. I had to get on methadone. Once your tolerance gets to a certain point, you are dancing on the edge of a razor blade everytime you try to get high. He was a great guy, most of my posts dont get any love, but he always replied and tried to help. Ill miss you Captain.


----------



## Bigjohn1980

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


So sorry


----------



## Bigjohn1980

mygreenbic said:


> I almost feel guilty for letting him go without a talk after seeing that this would probably be his demise. A life on opiods is unsustainable .,.. I had to get on methadone. Once your tolerance gets to a certain point, you are dancing on the edge of a razor blade everytime you try to get high. He was a great guy, most of my posts dont get any love, but he always replied and tried to help. Ill miss you Captain.


I been on methadone for 30 yrs I did so dope they put benzodiazepines in it it’s been hell getting it out of my system it’s all most out if the Clinc find out that benzodiazepines are in my system they we cut my in kick me off so it’s a race to get off


----------



## cj

Well you wanted to die so I guess it worked out. I feel bad for his parents.


----------



## jamesBrown

I just signed into BL for the first time in many months and the first thing I saw was the news of Caps death. I'm absolutely devastated and in disbelief. 
  Back when I was very active in the BL community(mainly Other Drugs) Cap was by far the most impactful and influential person willing to help me navigate my opioid(H) addiction. He was the reason I was able to get clean at one point and I will forever be grateful for that. 
  His knowledge, kindness, generosity, and humor helped me get through some hard times and now that he's gone the BL community will never be the same.

Rest in peace Cap ✌


----------



## jamesBrown

JessFR said:


> That's not what happened. When I spoke to him he indicated he hadn't been using heroin for some time. He died of an overdose of an RC opioid (2map237 iirc).
> 
> Was nobodies fault.


Hey I was wondering how sure you are about the cause of Caps OD. I know it's not really my business but I would appreciate it if u could relay to me what happened. I have always held Cap in very high regard & he helped me in countless ways over many years, including helping me get off of H one time. I'm devastated by this loss & would appreciate it if you could share what you know with me. 
  Thanks 
   jB


----------



## JessFR

jamesBrown said:


> Hey I was wondering how sure you are about the cause of Caps OD. I know it's not really my business but I would appreciate it if u could relay to me what happened. I have always held Cap in very high regard & he helped me in countless ways over many years, including helping me get off of H one time. I'm devastated by this loss & would appreciate it if you could share what you know with me.
> Thanks
> jB



Well, I don't know too much first hand about the actual day or so before his death. What I have been told and consider to be reliable is that he passed away of a drug overdose, mainly 2map237 but it wouldn't be a shock to me if he'd had other drugs in his system as well.

He had also been doing RC benzos pretty heavily as well as talking about his use of ap238 in the past. As I recall he indicated that he was avoiding heroin so I don't think it played any role in this. 

What I know from interacting with him is that his mental health had been deteriorating substantially in the 4 months or so before his death.

He, I, and a few others used to talk on voice and text on discord. He had been fairly active in late 2020, but several of us had expressed concerns with the level of risks he was engaging in with his drug use. Over time and coming into 2021 he became increasingly distant and increasingly talking about dying and suicide and stuff when he was around. 

Based on my experiences having known him, and what I have heard from multiple people. I don't believe he intended to kill himself that day exactly. But I believe he was extremely depressed and had been taking extreme risks that he had to know on some level could end up killing him. 

While it was very hard and still shocking to find out he had died, I can't honestly say the possibility that something like what happened could happen hadn't occurred to me. 

A lot of us reached out and tried to help him, but, well, you know how depression is. It can be almost impossible to really do anything to help but remind the person how much you care. 

I wish there was more I could tell you. I understand the desire to understand when something like this happens. But yeah, he had seemed severely depressed and probably suicidal for at least the last 4 months prior to his death and probably moderately depressed for much longer before that. I don't think he meant to die when he did. But in many ways I still think this is more of a death by depression than by drugs. 

I dunno that any of that helps. Perhaps not but I'd wanna know too .


----------



## schizopath

Hard to imagine his mental health getting ever worse... Those conquers shit never fucking helps if you truly want to die.


----------



## bgolden

so sad


----------



## Rusharts

*Wish you a journey full of love Captain!*

You've done your part here. See you on the other side....I guess...
I'm sorry for the loss of the family.....just remember....is called LIFE and is just a moment in eternity. A drop in an ocean.

I myself lost a dear friend also from OD on heroin. Yesterday i was on he's funeral to say goodbye.
A month earlyer, another dear friend....
And before this, a few months earlyer, another....
Sometimes I wonder who's next....but i always remember I don't really want to know...just live the present moment.
We suffer just to be able to enjoy small things that make us happy. Otherwise we just can't enjoy happyness.

Wish you an enlighteen journey Captain! Much Love!


----------



## schizopath

I was reading our old discord messages today and got hit on the feelz

Damn and fucking fucking fucking fucking fuck this shit.


----------



## JessFR

Just about 6 months now since we lost him. 

Rip cap, still missing you.


----------



## deficiT

JessFR said:


> Just about 6 months now since we lost him.
> 
> Rip cap, still missing you.




Def miss me some capn


----------



## mal3volent

JessFR said:


> Just about 6 months now since we lost him.
> 
> Rip cap, still missing you.



Wow... I can't believe that.


----------



## JessFR

mal3volent said:


> Wow... I can't believe that.



I know. 

I don't know the exact day he died, for some reason I have April 30 in my head but I couldn't tell you where I got that from. But I know I found out around 11pm on May 6 my time. So very nearly 6 months. That was a tough night. 

It's still hard to believe he's gone. Occasionally I'll read some of the discord or bluelight conversations I had with him, and some parts of it are very surreal. 

I'm not sure I can really think of anyone else I've ever known who was quite like him.


----------



## schizopath




----------



## hylite

It was so complete with you here. ♡


----------



## hylite

JessFR said:


> I know.
> 
> I don't know the exact day he died, for some reason I have April 30 in my head but I couldn't tell you where I got that from. But I know I found out around 11pm on May 6 my time. So very nearly 6 months. That was a tough night.
> 
> It's still hard to believe he's gone. Occasionally I'll read some of the discord or bluelight conversations I had with him, and some parts of it are very surreal.
> 
> I'm not sure I can really think of anyone else I've ever known who was quite like him.


I am still trying to believe that this is how it is going to be now. That this has to be real. I really am. Thank you @JessFR. Thank you. ☹ . Um. 
Yes. I miss the @Captain.Heroin so much ! ♡
I didn't know this could be like this.


----------



## andyturbo

Was just going threw our chat history..fuck I miss you.

I wish I could read your book..I wish a lot of things. I wish you would just come back.. 

I hope your in peace Andrew.


----------



## Joey

andyturbo said:


> Was just going threw our chat history..fuck I miss you.
> 
> I wish I could read your book..I wish a lot of things. I wish you would just come back..
> 
> I hope your in peace Andrew.


There’s some files somewhere in digital. Just can’t be released or whatever. buyable but extremely expensive.


----------



## Joey

I just bought part 3


----------



## hylite

@Captain.Heroin Andrew.
There will never be anyone like you again. You helped to teach me words. I will never forget you for that or I will never stop to keep on trying. 

You helped me with encouragement to be able to try and to learn words and inspirations. 

BL will never be the same again EVER  I feel. 
You always helped. If and when possible you would ! You never ever did less than that for ALL of us and others. You were amazing. I am still trying to be out of the shock of this and all.  

You were sincere. You treated every one EQUAL. You did so much for me because of who you were and what and how you represented. You grew with BL and helped us grow. Even in the older years. You grew also. You kept us all moving forward and grounded. 

Captain my head hurts and it IS maddening.

Thank you for representing what help should be. I try not to write to you everyday but I do want to everyday. I wish to be able to write with genius like you. ☺ You had good teachings somehow. Educated so formally and proper. What a privilege yet you could always stay humble somehow. You were the Great role model when necessary and when needed, Always !    

You were kind to everyone even when you didn't have to be. Including me. It was such an amazing time to know you and that was such a gift. Now you are gone even though it is still difficult to accept. 

Somehow I feel your soul. And I doubt that you will ever be forgotten ! 

Rest Captain. You are in our hearts and thoughts and those days will always be missed when you were here.   ♡🕊 Those days of Captain.H.

I feel bad today but I do feel good for being able to know you.


----------



## hylite




----------



## schizopath

You tried telling me things I wasnt ready to hear. Im still thankful of that though. Love you Andrew


----------



## nznity

Your posts always made me laugh, you were quite an odd guy, very emotional and dark at times but I could feel you tried your best to keep those demons at bay. Wherever you are mate, I hope you're finally at peace.
We all miss you dear brother.
I send you much love Andrew.


----------



## Julies1221

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


----------



## TTZ234

Ive had quite a few accounts after i stopped lurking,and he was the first to reach out to me on my first acc.

See you on the other side bro..I cant claim to have known you well,but you were a rare breed,I could tell as much..and you loved people in your way that was clear.
Hope your in a better place


----------



## LeeLee241

ashwolf22101 said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


Soo sorry to hear that it really hurts my heart


----------



## crOOk

What? Omg fuck this world.


----------



## Alucard58

He passed on my birthday..I don't think I've talked to him for 8 years, I used to post a lot and shoot my mouth/fingers off another account I can't get into...but he was always nice to me and we wrote each other alot...
Anyway  I just can't believe how many lives he touched, a documentary could be made about this dude getting invested in so many lives...I wish I would of wrote to him more...I don't know why I stopped.  Just faded out of touch with the world,  pretty inspiring how he wrote everyone on this forum site...well fuck, a true saint he was.


----------



## te5la

RIP fam, so sad to lose one


----------



## TheOriginalChair

Its incredible how one individual can help so many people and be close! truly an amazin human being! My condelence to your loss guys!


----------



## Kev-Head

Damn I'm way late to the party. I've read his shit on here for years. A decade. You almost feel like you get to know the people in here even if you never even talk to them. That news literally just fucked me up. Captain Heroin will always be a fucking legend to this community.


----------



## schizopath

Rip king


----------



## MassAveMayor

I have been luriking on this site since 2010 and just made an account yesterday.. CH has helped me with harm reduction and honestly straight knowledge. fly high CH. If these was no bluelight and captain.h I would have 1/100th of the knowledge I do now. Rest up buddy


----------



## JDGRAMZ

Rest in peace my friend..


----------



## devilsgospel

You pop into my head every now and then Cap I can't think of BL without thinking of CH haha. I really do miss you man even though you annoyed the shit outta me sometimes lol. Despite that I always somehow ended up in a long rambling conversation/troll thread with you about nearly anything. You were a rare person. Going through this thread a bit and reading things about you I never knew makes me feel a lot of regret. I could've got to know you so much better.


----------



## mal3volent

Whenever I used to think about...well...pretty much anything... I would say to myself, "I wonder what Cap would think about this?" Before I even formulated my own opinion , I would get carried away trying to predict what he was going to say when I finally got around to messaging him about it.

I was almost always wrong. That's what was so great about it. You could never fit that guy in a box no matter how hard you tried. His point of view was so stunningly unique and he had this weird encyclopedic knowledge of the most random shit. I'm actually annoyed by most hyper-individualistic people, but with him it was so genuine and sincere. I would constantly find myself questioning things I thought I had figured out years ago because of something he'd say.

It's weird, because for someone I never even met in person, I could tell that guy absolutely anything and know without a shadow of a doubt that he wasn't going to judge me. And he'd always have some way of making me feel better that wasn't some cheap platitude. I felt terrible sometimes, seeing the pain he was in... and not having the intellectual or spiritual capacity to repay that kindness to him.


----------



## JessFR

mal3volent said:


> Whenever I used to think about...well...pretty much anything... I would say to myself, "I wonder what Cap would think about this?" Before I even formulated my own opinion , I would get carried away trying to predict what he was going to say when I finally got around to messaging him about it.
> 
> I was almost always wrong. That's what was so great about it. You could never fit that guy in a box no matter how hard you tried. His point of view was so stunningly unique and he had this weird encyclopedic knowledge of the most random shit. I'm actually annoyed by most hyper-individualistic people, but with him it was so genuine and sincere. I would constantly find myself questioning things I thought I had figured out years ago because of something he'd say.
> 
> It's weird, because for someone I never even met in person, I could tell that guy absolutely anything and know without a shadow of a doubt that he wasn't going to judge me. And he'd always have some way of making me feel better that wasn't some cheap platitude. I felt terrible sometimes, seeing the pain he was in... and not having the intellectual or spiritual capacity to repay that kindness to him.



*hugs* 

I've had similar thoughts, wondering what he would have thought about some subject he's not here to give input on anymore.  Not long before he died we had a discussion about the distinction between reenforcement/addictiveness and how it's entirely separate from pleasurability/euphoria. I didn't agree with him at the time but a while later I realized he was right. Saddly I didn't get the chance to tell him that though. 

I miss him, hard to believe that in another few months he'll have been gone a year.

He truly was unique.


----------



## Snafu in the Void

I miss you Cap. I miss your friendship. I miss talking to you. I miss your strange artwork. I miss your gravity. I miss your antics. I miss knowing a person as open and caring as you.

My world is missing one of the most interesting and loving people I've ever met.


----------



## schizopath

Best man come in few


----------



## mtu mwendawazimu

"Life is suffering" - Andrew

It really is. No matter how well you're doing.

Still think about you bro.

And that acid was fire!


----------



## deficiT

Negentropic said:


> I miss you Cap. I miss your friendship. I miss talking to you. I miss your strange artwork. I miss your gravity. I miss your antics. I miss knowing a person as open and caring as you.
> 
> My world is missing one of the most interesting and loving people I've ever met.


Same. It hurts so bad losing the people that inspire you the most. You feel like they have so much to give to everyone else, but it's like they don't hold that same love in their heart for themselves. And it's painful to watch or be a part of.


----------



## Sdob07

Ketamania said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


;(((( so sad!!


----------



## 6am-64-14m

Sdob07 said:


> so sad!!


yeah i think of him often. i walk or ride by a church with a statue of the virgin out front and every time i see it he comes to mind. tears leak out....
welcome to bl. hope ya having a good day and maybe see ya around?
peace


----------



## Sdob07

It’s so sad when someone who was doing “okay” to suddenly die… when we all know what “okay” actually mean; having known/seems then at their WORST still gives us hope that although the “okay” status is very very concerning and dangerous we have a false sense of security in terms of worrying about others…. I’m on day…. Around 16 … of rapid detox (traveled to MIGHIGAN (from San Diego) and paid $13k to have this done) then they gave me a vivtrol shot; I was detoxing from methadone having been on it 4 years after a heroin addiction; now I just took a suboxone I’m so depressed ofc if it works I need it too..


----------



## Sdob07

I’m so so sorry … you really are doing him an amazing service and giving him an amazing tribute by keeping his memory alive and well thank you


----------



## Faust66

i too have lurked since around 2010 before making my account recently, and remember reading many a good post by Captain Heroin. never got to speak with him, but i'll miss him as a pillar of the community


----------



## ChemicallyEnhanced

Every time this thread gets bumped I feel sad all over again


----------



## Hannah Capps

All I can type is a tearful condolence that's about it...I know personally loss...


----------



## Lightness

Aww no Captain H I'm so sad, but you have peace now so sorry man


----------



## Iceman1216

MsDiz said:


> I had many long convos with CH and he was always so tortured and struggled a lot. My first discord friend. He loved walking the trails at Griffith park, he loved the observatory and interacting with people and I’d be so shocked he’d ask the questions he did to strangers.
> We grew apart the last few months although we did have a few convos in that time.
> 
> I really do hope he is at peace now.


@MsDiz  , was that Griffith park, in NJ??


----------



## mal3volent

Iceman1216 said:


> @MsDiz  , was that Griffith park, in NJ??



Los Angeles


----------



## Iceman1216

mal3volent said:


> Los Angeles



Thank you!
CH , and I could not have come from or been More different if we tried!
But he was a Very intelligent, and Caring human being. He always reached out to me and Anyone he saw or heard where suffering tough times, ( as we did for him).
Such a loss, and the losses just keep pilling up  .
Capt. I miss you, but am glad you are at peace, and I do not understand How, but I know you are still Helping people in need!
RIP, brother
ICE


----------



## The Holy Quadruplty

RIP Captain Heroin you were a really cool dude.


----------



## JessFR

In a few weeks it will be a year since he died. 

Fuck I miss him. There's been so many times since he died that I've wished he were still around to ask his opinion about this or that.


----------



## Joey

I still think about this man quite often. He was pivotal to a lot of changes I've made or been given to my perspective and place in life since I joined Bluellght as a regular member two years ago. I'm pretty sure I've posted this before, but he used to tell me that I'm a good person. He's was the first person who said that in a way so that I actually believed it. There are some people who have come in and out of my lffe who have been extremely important to me. In so many ways. My life's coming to a head, and Captain Heroin is one of the men in charge.

I'll see you on the flip side buddy. You were right that determination without meaning is absurd. We both exist.. so til then!


----------



## spammie nurse

Long time lurker here. My condolences to his family and friends. It was a series of tragic events that motivated me into active harm reduction.


----------



## 6am-64-14m

hi cap
love ya bro


----------



## hylite

It's still April. And you are still missed. And it has been almost a year and a very sad one. 
Thinking of you Often though.


----------



## vision conquest

I haven't logged in here for a couple of years and when I do this is the first thing I saw.

Very sad.

R.I.P captain H


----------



## badfish45

This is a shock; I used to talk to CH quite a bit. Really sad to see this is true


----------



## badfish45

An erowid trip report from CH in case any of you are intetested


----------



## Joey

Just checking in. It's amazing how many people came to pay their respects. You didn't realize you were any good til maybe too late. I hope you maintained your epiphany to having that purpose in life in the end. You wrote the best Freudian poem I've ever heard. Best poem I've ever been read to by the writer. 

So hey. You helped me a lot.


----------



## mal3volent

badfish45 said:


> An erowid trip report from CH in case any of you are intetested



"What I realized as this trip tied itself up is that after your body dies, your soul will still exist and it can't take anything physically real with it. The only thing you take with you is positive karma and the love you have built between people in life."


----------



## albgol

He continues to live, as he will always live forever.
Just not in this reality anymore. And for that i am sad, until, my time here ends to...
Here is to you CAPTAIN!
CHEERS


----------



## Painful One

Still Loving You....miss you so much C.H.


----------



## hylite

You were so brilliant. Captain I remember you being so brilliant !!! I am so sorry.


----------



## Snafu in the Void

RIP cap

wish I had somebody to talk to right now

I miss how open you were

lets chat bro lol

love you

why are you so skinny dude get a sandwich


----------



## Joey

Our lives, directions, and innuendos to exist in solace or sole(loss)-ly in some paradigm or tandem to God - And every single thing that's bad in our lives (and theirs as well) is so divisive. There is no unifying, or actual omniscient being called 'God' by the very basis of free will being an impossibility next *to* omniscience. The deterministic and free which is spread over us *is *a reality - but our standard of what constitutes absolution.. as in absolute power or reverence requiring faith? It's absurd to think we *truly *know!

Except
Where
And
When
We
Do
-------
It's
Okay
To be
Faithful
and
Helpless as well


That's the point!


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## JessFR

As of writing this... This thread is approximately one year old.

For me it's currently about 5:30pm, and in another 6-7 hours or so it will have been exactly one year since I found out about caps death.

I doubt I'll ever forget it, I was asleep, then around 11pm I woke up, I dunno why, but  not unusual. I checked my phone, checked discord, and people had just started talking about it. Not moments after that I got a call from Andy, as I recall I just declined it since I was still kinda in shock. I just told him I'd seen the news and needed a moment.

What a night that was, I know I was awake that whole night until some time late into the next morning. I can't help feel a little guilt, I've known a lot of bluelighters who've sadly passed away, tathra, aihfl, telepathic, I'm sure there's some I'm saddly overlooking, then there's those I knew in passing, and more still I've known in real life who've passed away living this risky lifestyle of ours.

Part of me feels guilty that I don't feel the same sense of loss for all of them, even some I was pretty close too. But without question cap has been one of the hardest. Certainly the hardest in many years.

I've been going over the logs of that night, the dm's I had with him in the months prior to his death, been thinking about him a lot these last several days.

It's hard. The dm's especially so. He was suffering so much, and seemed to get  especially bad after around December 2020. Still, a few months before his death he told me he still expected to make it through the year. It's surreal reading it again now.

Take care everyone, it's not just internet shit. Every single person you talk to here is a real person somewhere in the world. Real feelings, real issues. Always tell the people in your life how you feel, because there is never enough time.  

Rest in peace cap. I miss you.


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## hylite

JessFR said:


> As of writing this... This thread is approximately one year old.
> 
> For me it's currently about 5:30pm, and in another 6-7 hours or so it will have been exactly one year since I found out about caps death.
> 
> I doubt I'll ever forget it, I was asleep, then around 11pm I woke up, I dunno why, but  not unusual. I checked my phone, checked discord, and people had just started talking about it. Not moments after that I got a call from Andy, as I recall I just declined it since I was still kinda in shock. I just told him I'd seen the news and needed a moment.
> 
> What a night that was, I know I was awake that whole night until some time late into the next morning. I can't help feel a little guilt, I've known a lot of bluelighters who've sadly passed away, tathra, aihfl, telepathic, I'm sure there's some I'm saddly overlooking, then there's those I knew in passing, and more still I've known in real life who've passed away living this risky lifestyle of ours.
> 
> Part of me feels guilty that I don't feel the same sense of loss for all of them, even some I was pretty close too. But without question cap has been one of the hardest. Certainly the hardest in many years.
> 
> I've been going over the logs of that night, the dm's I had with him in the months prior to his death, been thinking about him a lot these last several days.
> 
> It's hard. The dm's especially so. He was suffering so much, and seemed to get  especially bad after around December 2020. Still, a few months before his death he told me he still expected to make it through the year. It's surreal reading it again now.
> 
> Take care everyone, it's not just internet shit. Every single person you talk to here is a real person somewhere in the world. Real feelings, real issues. Always tell the people in your life how you feel, because there is never enough time.
> 
> Rest in peace cap. I miss you.


Thank you for being there.


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## deficiT

RIP CH.... You had your demons and your issues, but you always made yourself available to your fellows, and that's what made you such a special person and asset to this community.


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## mal3volent

Love you man


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## Snafu in the Void

RIP cap miss you man


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## herbavore

Andrew, I still find it hard to believe you are not here. I logged in today to put a birthday wish in Caleb's shrine and found your page at the top. I hope that your soul is swelling with all the love, admiration, gratitude from your Bluelight community. The breadth of your caring touched so many, many people. I hope for you what I hope for Caleb--that your soul's continued existence is one of ecstatic joy. 

I still wish I could read your book.


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## hylite




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## hylite

I'm sorry that you were in pain.


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## 6am-64-14m

Not long now bro we can pick up where we left off.  Missing your honest and open communications.


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## schizopath

Much respect in trying to help me and I guess the toll of an literal genius was too much for you with your past. Rip legend


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## nznity

The BLer for Excellence.
Hope you're resting in pce Andrew, miss ya bud.


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## Cosmic Charlie

Miss you Captain, always we such kind person in these forums and we're someone I really connected with. You always had worse of wisdom and were there for me when I needed to vent. You touched so many people's lives and will not be forgotten. May you rest in piece my friend


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## htracks

I haven’t logged in in a few years and I see this.  Very tragic. RIP


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## 6am-64-14m

cap i swear i miss you man. there is no replacing you and i will make it my lifes journey to reconnect.
but fuck i guess already see this....


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## Specified

Just remembered this ch it's in my signature....lol I know you watched you devil lol


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## hylite




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## Shady's Fox

Used to call him captain kazasthana.. ahaha, such isn't my first post here I didn't came to skullove someone but like more and more lately I've felt like a plug to a wallsocket and yeah I've been able to eat what I've ate for 30yrs by now I've been able to be myself, didn't felt like I was wearing toy clothes but my splinter is getting rusty and I visual in "V" more than ever, I dunno but even during my drug use I wasn't like this by any means.. and if MYSELF can't help me then no one can, guess we'll see how it goes forward, am thankful for being here and I wanted to really wanted to had no time to talk about life with him in depth.. like a nephew to a grandpa.


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## 6am-64-14m

we need ya back here bro shit is getting thowed off track


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## Jabberwocky

I hope he's flying high with the angels in heaven.


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## 6am-64-14m

love ya, brother


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## hylite

May 5th 2021   r.i.p.

Missing you !


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## nznity

This place does not feel the same since you left us, your absence can be felt real fucking marked for all of us that got to know you. You had lots of attributes, we remind you as the kind, funny, open minded, caring, lovely fella u were. But also you were a tormented soul, very fragile, super emotional...maybe too much for this life. I really hope you're at peace now, miss u Andrew. There will never be another CH. Lots of love, buddy.


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## dopiate

Well it has been many years since I've been on here but I met Cap on here in 2009 and while I was in college struggling he would send me suboxone so I could make it through the semester. RIP man


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## hylite




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## Joey

I miss you. All the time.


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## BK38

Joey said:


> I miss you. All the time.


Me too, i lit a candle for him today. RIP Andrew.


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## andyturbo

I was going through some old messages and saw the photo you sent me, just last night. I remember saying that when I came to stay with you in LA even though I was straight with looks like yours anything's possible...unknown at the time of such a small joke that this holiday would never actually happen.
We all miss you so much.
Right now more than ever I need you here. True friends that really care and listen to you are getting rare and you were always one of them. 
I hope by the time I see you again on the flip side that you have written at least 2 more books. a whole series would be awesome actually.
Even now as time passes its incredible the number of times your name is mentioned in conversations across so many HR platforms and forums.

Your Soul, memories and contribution to the HR community will live on forever.


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## 6am-64-14m

i see your point now c.h
maybe i will be able to see past it soon.


----------



## hylite

Wow captain, I miss you.You were there for me at the exact 
perfect time because it was fun being high with you and smoking dabz. 
Can I say that ! Anyway thank you for all of your help. LoL. 

And laughs.  And not just because it's today but it could be any day.
You were so real. And still are I miss you !!  Hee he. I loved 
having that much fun even though we weren't even close. 

Thinking of you even lol makes me actually laugh out loud.
And smile. Thanks for helping. 

You knew exactly what I was saying. looools. 
That was crazy. I mean crazy awesome. Lool.

WOW . . . Oh yeah and there will never ever 
ever be another Captain !!!
Why !?


----------



## hylite

It was fun shitposting on benzo's. 
I  know how it feels. I'm sorry. I just wanted to 
say you were epic. Just this one last time.








You are so missed. That's hot !   




Rainbow hearts always.


----------



## BK38

Miss you


----------



## 6am-64-14m

Ya know i think of you as a pass the church daily. I know ya feel me.
Another time then
.....


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## tamarinds

I am sad that OUR deaths confirm the reality of those of us who find ourselves on BlueLight. All these wonderful people have died.

RIP C.H


----------



## 6am-64-14m

can i get a little help over here, buddy?


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## Joey

Yo buddy. I have your book safe with a friend. One of the good things I did was make sure that was kept safe.

CaptainHeroin was an astonishingly good writer. It’s a tough road because it’s like talking to him which was equally astonishing in any context good or bad.


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## 6am-64-14m

Joey said:


> talking to him which was equally astonishing in any context good or bad.


agreed.
talks for hours on eveything and very open.
supposed to go meet him like real soon but alas....


----------



## achrukme

Ketamania said:


> I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.


----------

