# cheesy jokes!



## animal_cookie

share your cheesiest jokes.  i'll get the thread started...

*what did the baby corn say to the momma corn?*
where is pop corn?


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## kittyinthedark

^I'd say that joke was more corny than cheesy.... BA-DUM CHING! :D


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## animal_cookie

sympho told me this one...

so there are two olives chilling on a plate.  one falls off onto the floor.  the olive on the plate leans over and asks his friend if he is ok.  he responds "olive"

hmm, that one sounds far better when told out loud


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## Beagle

kittyinthedark said:
			
		

> ^I'd say that joke was more corny than cheesy.... BA-DUM CHING! :D



hahahahaha!  that's the wittiest thing I've seen someone say on here this year. :D


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## Beagle

Here, since I'm criticizing people today, I'll throw myself out there.....

My friend Krista told me this one...

What's a pirates favorite sport?

NascAARRRRRRRRR


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## sickpuppy

Why do girls with big boobs have little feet? Things don't grow under shade.:D No? 

That joke is so old and stupid.


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## Trancey

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?


Lean Beef. 


What do you call a cow with no legs?


Ground Beef!!! 

They've grown on me.


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## StarOceanHouse

^hahahaha....I almost fell out of my seat.


What do you call a fly without wings?



A walk


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## chokinvictim

What do sneezes wear on their feet?

Ahhh-shoes.


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## syymphonatic

OHMYGODOHMYGOD my turn my turn my turn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



what do you call a passed out rabbit??

THE ETHER BUNNY!!




so this guy's dog got run over by a car. he rishes its lifeless body to the vet, and begs the doctor to help. the vet says "there's nothing i can do, your dog is dead." they owner cries "there must be SOMETHING you can do, please!!!"

so the vet goes out of the room and returns with a tabby cat. the cat sniffs carefully over the dog, sits down, and starts meowing mournfully.
next the vet brings in a labrador retriever. the retriever walks around the dog, sniffs it, sits down, and starts howling sadly.

the owner says "well??? whats the word?"
the vet says, "i'm sorry but the CAT scan and Lab tests have both confirmed what i said."


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## syymphonatic

whats the difference between a stoned driver and a drunk driver?

a drunk driver goes through a red light and thought it was green, a stoned driver stops at a stop sign and waits for it to turn green. 

(ahem, i swear i've uhh.. never done that!! 8()


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## Benefit

Jokes are stupid.


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## sickpuppy

A man is riding down the road with his 6 year old daugter chatting away beside him. When suddenly Lorrena Bobbit,who's driving in front of them, throws some poor guys severed dick from her car and it lands SPLAT!! on the man's windsheild. The little girl ,startled, ask " Daddy! What was that?!" The father replies "Uh,it was just a bug sweetie." The little girl quietly thinks for a minute before replying "It sure had a big dick huh?!"


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## realm

syymphonatic said:
			
		

> whats the difference between a stoned driver and a drunk driver?
> 
> a drunk driver goes through a red light and thought it was green, a stoned driver stops at a stop sign and waits for it to turn green.
> 
> (ahem, i swear i've uhh.. never done that!! 8()




ive done that, i was by myself too so as you can guess i was sitting there for a while


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## chokinvictim

What did the tree say to the mountain?

Stop peaking at me.


ouch.


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## Benefit

What did the old man say when he knocked the urn containing his wife's ashes off of the mantle, causing it to break and splatter all over the floor?

Glad she's not around to see that.


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## Beagle

OH I GOT ONE!!!!

What do you say when symponatic posts a cheesy joke?

Got any new pictures?


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## djwhirlpool

knock knock
who's there?
interupting pirate
interupting pira...
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!


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## GentlemanLoser

Beagle said:
			
		

> Here, since I'm criticizing people today, I'll throw myself out there.....
> 
> My friend Krista told me this one...
> 
> What's a pirates favorite sport?
> 
> NascAARRRRRRRRR



On that same note, I'll tell one given to me by the too-emo-for-school Kubly:

Did you hear about the new pirate movie?  

It was rated ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

*badam-ching*8)


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## syymphonatic

picture this...



what did the ocean say to the beach??

nothing it just waved!!



:D:D:D:D


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## bRoken&foRgoTTen

*What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede? 
-A walkie-talkie.









*Why do hens lay eggs?
-If they dropped them, they'd break.








*Which side of the chicken has he most feathers? 
-The Outside.


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## alasdairm

*q*: what's brown and sticky?
*a*: a stick



alasdair


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## djwhirlpool

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.


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## syymphonatic

edit: for alasdair::

NO WAY THAT USED TO BE MY VOICEMAIL!!!!!!!!!!!


you are officially my hero.


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## djwhirlpool

woah, chill out double poster!


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## syymphonatic

yeah it straight bothers me when buttons don't work when i push them...


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## djwhirlpool

I believe it would be the user not the buttons.


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## syymphonatic

don't push me!!


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## sickpuppy

^Ooo,yeah cat fight! i got 100 on syympho!


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## Beagle

syymphonatic said:
			
		

> don't push me!!



can I poke you?!?! 

LOL, you're my new schmacky for a while.  I need someone to shamelessly flirt with.


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## djwhirlpool

At least you finally got some taste, Poste.

Kudos for flirting with a quality girl.


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## bRoken&foRgoTTen

What is the first letter in yellow?
Y!
Because I wanted to know.


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## Beagle

djwhirlpool said:
			
		

> At least you finally got some taste, Poste.
> 
> Kudos for flirting with a quality girl.



don't hate on schmacky.  She's still the hottest bler ever.  She's just out of commission for a while.


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## djwhirlpool

^^^(broken&forgotten)
I don't get it?


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## sickpuppy

^Jeesh. It took me a minute to get that.

Edit for B&F


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## djwhirlpool

Beagle said:
			
		

> don't hate on schmacky.  She's still the hottest bler ever.  She's just out of commission for a while.



Why?  Did some clubber get caught on her stupid lip ring and rip her face off?  Or did the aliens come back to take her home planet. (she looks like an alien)


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## djwhirlpool

I still don't get it.  Could someone explain?  

<stupid>



			
				sickpuppy said:
			
		

> ^Jeesh. It took me a minute to get that.
> 
> Edit for B&F


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## sickpuppy

djwhirlpool said:
			
		

> I still don't get it.  Could someone explain?
> 
> <stupid>



Y=why? It's kinfd of a play on words.


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## bRoken&foRgoTTen

What do you call cheese that isnt yours?
Nacho cheese!


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## bRoken&foRgoTTen

Why do grave yards have fences around them?
because peopel are dying to get in them!


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## Beagle

djwhirlpool said:
			
		

> Why?  Did some clubber get caught on her stupid lip ring and rip her face off?  Or did the aliens come back to take her home planet. (she looks like an alien)



dude, no need to talk shit.  Don't be like those bler's in the Ex-bluelighter thread.


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## Church

Okay, this pirate walks into a bar, and he's got the steering wheel from his ship attached to his pants. So the bar wench says "Hey, you got a steering wheel attached to your pants," and the pirate replies, "ARRRRRR, I know, and it's driving me nuts!"


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## djwhirlpool

sickpuppy said:
			
		

> Y=why? It's kinfd of a play on words.



OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  I'm a fucking retard!


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## syymphonatic

like i said, i'm a nice girl. 

you can flirt with me poste. i swear i won't start shit 



(i have a lip ring too )


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## djwhirlpool

Church said:
			
		

> Okay, this pirate walks into a bar, and he's got the steering wheel from his ship attached to his pants. So the bar wench says "Hey, you got a steering wheel attached to your pants," and the pirate replies, "ARRRRRR, I know, and it's driving me nuts!"



hehe...I like this joke.


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## djwhirlpool

Beagle said:
			
		

> dude, no need to talk shit.  Don't be like those bler's in the Ex-bluelighter thread.



I already did that.


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## djwhirlpool

syymphonatic said:
			
		

> (i have a lip ring too )



I wasn't hating on the lip ring, I was hating on her. 

You are neat.


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## syymphonatic

a nun, a priest, a rabbi, the devil, 3 cheerleaders, george bush, bill clinton, hilary duff, clay aiken, my mom, a turtle, and a duck walk into a bar.

the bartender sees them and goes "what is this, a joke?"


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## Beagle

You're retarded is what you are.  I can't believe you didn't get that yellow joke hahaha...  For some reason, I find that amusingly cute though....

Did I mention I have a thing for blond's?


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## alasdairm

syymphonatic said:
			
		

> you are officially my hero.


that's a lot of responsibility but i know i can do it.

i love that joke.

alasdair


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## syymphonatic

you're the first person i've ever encountered who knew it!! 




what does my mom call a spider in the bathroom??


AAHHHHHH!!!


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## djwhirlpool

My hair is brown?



			
				Beagle said:
			
		

> You're retarded is what you are.  I can't believe you didn't get that yellow joke hahaha...  For some reason, I find that amusingly cute though....
> 
> Did I mention I have a thing for blond's?


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## Beagle

djwhirlpool said:
			
		

> My hair is brown?



dude, I know....

Nevermind.  I now realize that I have to be incredibly straightforward with you


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## djwhirlpool

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!

What is wrong with me?

I started this day off moderately intelligent.

Posting ever 45 seconds is taking the life out of me.

NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!


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## poopie

how do you make an elephant shake?

add root beer!
*********************

how do you hide an elephant in a tree?

paint his toenails red!
*********************
a guy walks into a bar

OUCH!
*********************
you know when you see a flock of birds flying north/south- ya ever notice why one side of the V-shape their flying in is longer then the other?

b/c there's more birds in it!

i  that joke. much better in person, when you actually see the birds


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## mintalyelevatid

this on is much better said aloud


what do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?


elephino?


(sounds like "hell if i know?")


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## mintalyelevatid

another one better said aloud (as opposed to said silently?)

what do you call a deer with no eyes?

no eye deer

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

STILL no eye deer

what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick?

still no fucking eye deer


EDIT: bah double post. i havent done it in a while, please excuse


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## Church

So I was fucking this guy last night, and he reached around and grabbed my balls, and I thought, "Oh my God!! This guy's a FAG!!"

(I love that one!)


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## Trancey

What do you call a blonde with 1/2 a brain?


Gifted. 


What do you call a blonde with a whole brain?


A golden retriever


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## syymphonatic

why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella??

FOR DRIZZLE!!!


what does he use to keep his whites white??

BLEE-OTCH!!! (bleach duh)


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## Trancey

yay!


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## middle finger

What do you call a cow with no legs??





Ground beef


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## Dtergent

A doctor receives a patient who was frantic and in a panic.

"Doc! I think I'm shrinking!! Help me! Do SOMETHING!"

"Now now," goes the doctor. "Can't you be a little patient?"


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## poopie

syympho- two of the best jokes evAr!!!

always good times!


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## detonater

why did the blonde steal a police car?

she saw 911 on it and thought it was a porshe!

why do blondes drive convertibles?

more leg room!


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## Aishas Star

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Europe.
Europe who?
Your a poo too! 

hahaha i made a funny


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## Trancey

middle finger said:
			
		

> What do you call a cow with no legs??
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ground beef



Hey you joke stealer....  
I'll wrestle you for it!!!
I promise to be careful around your arm.


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## L2R

Grandma And Grandpa Were Watching A Religious Healing Program On Tv. The Evangelist Called To All Who Wanted To Be Healed,to Put One Hand On The Tv And The Other On The Body Part They Wanted Healed. 



Grandma Hobbled To The Tv And Put One Hand On The Tv And The Other On Her Arthritic Hip. Grandpa Made His Way To The Set And Put One Hand On The Tv And The Other On His Crotch.


Grandma Looked At Him With Disgust: "you Just Don't Understand, You Old
Coot... The Purpose Of This Program Is To Heal The Sick, Not Raise The Dead!!


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## McWigga

There was once a couple that desperately wanted children but couldn't have them. One day, their family doctor told them about a new procedure.

"Now," said the doctor, "it is very experimental but has had great success."

The couple, wanting a child so badly, decided to run with it. 9 months later the wife gave birth to a baby girl. However, due to the newness of the procedure, the baby had no body. She was a very healthy head, she just didn't have a body.

The couple loved their little head anyway. She slept in a shoebox in the cupboard and, considering her ailment, grew up very happy and well adjusted.

She made many friends with her winning personality, and was very studious, and was even accepted in to the top college in her country.

On her 18th birthday the family doctor phoned with exciting news. A whole-body transplant trial had begun in Germany and he felt that the head would be a great candidate.

She talked it over with her parents and decided to go for it.

The opperation was a complete success! The little head could run! And jump! And do all the things she'd dreamed of as a little girl head!

As she ran across the street to show her parents her new, fantastic body, she was struck by a car, and killed.

What's he moral of the story? Quit while you're a head.


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## sickpuppy

^The last two were pretty funny.


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## Archie Funker

Where can you find a racoon with no legs?




Right where you left him.


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## Archie Funker

A horse walks into the bar and sits down.  The bartender walks up to him, looks at him for a second then asks, "What's with the long face?"


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## Archie Funker

McWigga, that was hilarious!!!!


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## McWigga

^ Cheers! I heard it when i was in grade 4 and still remember it perfectly ha ha


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## Jabberwocky

What does the dentist of the year get?

**a little plaque**


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## L2R

Q-What is green and brown, has six legs, and would kill you instantly if it were to jump from a tree onto your head?


A- A pool table.


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## McWigga

Or a mutant sloth.


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## L2R

or 1 and a half drop bears


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## AlphaCharlieID

A man and woman go to the doctor, 

The man explains that his wife and himself were having sex outside, and a bee flew up her vagina.

The doctor thinks for a bit, the has an idea,  "Bees like honey, i'll put some on the end of my penis and entice it out." he says.

After dipping in honey, he places his penis just at the entrance of her vagina, After a minute of waiting and nothing, he enters the wife, after a minute of thrusting, the husband asks "Hows it going doc?"

Which the Doctor replies "Fuck the plan, im going to drown the bastard"


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## sickpuppy

^aahhahahha!!! good one.


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## McWigga

A woman and a man get hitched, and on their lovely honeymoon in India they make the ubfortunate discovery that the ladies vadge is just too tight for the man to enter.
Being in India, they decide to seek advice from a witch doctor. After throwing some bones around and chanting like a hippie the witch doctor states 'Now, when ever someone pardons themself to you, you're giney will double in size."
Eager to try it out, the couple rush back to their hotel and the husband widens her legs and whispers "pardon me", and, low and behold, her cooter get's bigger! Well, the couple are thrilled! The husband says it one more time, and voila! She is now the perfect size for his dong.

After a very satisfying honeymoon, the couple stroll through the airport, hand in hand, with love in their hearts. Suddenly, a man in a turban accidently bumps into the wife, said "a thousand pardons to you", and she turned into a donut.


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## AlphaCharlieID

ahahaha!!!!^^


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## SardonicNihilist

A guy, a skull, and a pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.  The guy goes up to the bar and orders three beers for himself and his two drinking companions.  The barkeep refuses and they argue about it for a while.  Ultimately the guy gets pissed off and demands an answer as to why he and his mates can't drink there, to which the bartender replies, "Well one of your mates is out of his head, and your other mate looks like he's about to start something!"


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## L2R

*i just made this one up.*

A small boy walks up to his mother and stares furiously at her crotch. "What are you doing?" asks the boys mother. He replies by asking "Mum, is you underwear blue today?". "No, why do you ask?" she said. "Good. I want to see if i can see through your clothes. Apparantly i used to be able to do that." "What do you mean?" his mother asked curiously. "Well, my teacher said that i need to work better without supervision."


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## Diacetylus

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.


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## bRoken&foRgoTTen

L2R said:
			
		

> A small boy walks up to his mother and stares furiously at her crotch. "What are you doing?" asks the boys mother. He replies by asking "Mum, is you underwear blue today?". "No, why do you ask?" she said. "Good. I want to see if i can see through your clothes. Apparantly i used to be able to do that." "What do you mean?" his mother asked curiously. "Well, my teacher said that i need to work better without supervision."




that make me giggle out loud


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## Diacetylus

So, anyways... a gay bloke is walking down a long strip and happens across a bar. He walks into the bar and approaches the bar tender. 

"Excuse me, this wouldn't happen to be a gay-bar would it sir?" asks the gay guy.

"No, it ain't" replies the bar tender with a stern look on his face.

"Ahhh, well... I'll have you serve me a drink of your finest beer anyways." says the gay guy.

The bar tender points over to a sign behind the bar on a wall that says, "No fags allowed!!" with a stern look on his face.

The gay guy begs and pleads with the bar tender, "Ohh, come on, I am dying for a good drink, I haven't had a good beer in ages, please... I will do anything for you to just serve me one drink!"

"Anything?" asks the bar-tender.

"Yes, anything I swear!" replies the gay guy.

Pointing over to one of those mechanic bulls, the ones that are used as a rodeo simulator (I'm sure you know the sort I'm talking about!), the bar tender then says, "see that bull over there? Well, if you can manage to stay on that machine on full-speed for longer than 20 seconds, you can have all the drinks of whatever ye want on the house, until the early hours of our closing time"

With a grin on his face the gay guy accepts the bar-tenders challenge.

So, the gay fella sits on the back of the mechanic bull and the bar-tender pulls a lever behind the bar and puts the bull into full motion almost instantly.
The gay guy manages to stay on the back of the bull without showing any effort.
5 seconds passes...
10 seconds...
15...
A whole few minutes passes and the bar-tender switches the lever, which turns the mechanized bull off.
Gay guy hops off the rodeo-sim with a huge chuckle with not a bruise on any body-part.

"what the... how the heck did you do that, noone has ever  managed to stay on that thing for more than 20 seconds, and he is a champion at rodeo" asks the bar-tender.

"My ex-boyfriend was an epileptic" replies the gay bloke with a nifty smile.


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## Raw Evil

^ Lmfao


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## L2R

A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and said, "I beg my pardon, mr rabbit. But may i ask you a question?" "Certainly, go ahead," replied the rabbit." The bear asked, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" "Why no, i can't say that i do," replied the rabbit. The bear picked up the rabbit, and wiped his arse with it.

/props to eddie.


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## Julkaa

A amish girl and her mother are riding on a horse on their way back home from the market. The girl says "mom it's really cold my hands are freezing". The mother responds by telling her daughter to put them in between her legs. The daughter does so and it warms up her hands. 

The next day the girl and her boyfriend are riding along from the market, "boy is it cold, i cant believe i forgot my gloves at home my hands are freezing" says the boy. The girl quickly thinks and remebers what her mother told her and tell the boy to put them in between her legs. 

The next morning the girl and her mother are riding to fetch some milk and the girl ask's her mother if she had heard of a penis. The mother ask's why.
The girl replies "they make a huge mess when they defrost"


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## McWigga

^ Ahahahaha


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## reu_jkt

dr: i'm sorry sir, but you have tom jones disease.

patient: wow, sounds terrible. what is it?

dr: don't worry, it's not unusual.

------

-what do you call a man who picks up cars?

-jack

-----

-what do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?

-roberto

-----

-what do you call a mexican who's lost his car?

-carlos


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## badboybrian

Mickey Mouse goes to an attorney because he wants to divorce Minnie.  After a brief conversation, the attorney says, "Mickey, I can't take your case just because she is going mentally insane."  Mickey replies, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said she was fucking Goofy!"


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## trip.more

three guys walk into a strip club 
one sticks a $10 in the strippers g string
the other sticks a $20 in her g string
and the other guy sticks his ATM card up her ass and takes the cash


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## L2R

BBB, i can't count how many time i told that joke as a kid.

trip more, i prefer this version from the tasteless jokes thread


			
				miptvision said:
			
		

> guy shiting in a strip club sticks a 20 in a girls thong then a nother guy sticks a 10 in her thong then a guy sticks a atm card in her thong and takes the money


it's just so retarded


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## Pharoahs

how did the nigger kill himself while driving his automobile?

he rolled down the windows and his lips beat him to death.


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## Dankness

Two fish are in a tank, one looks over at the other one and says  "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

What's a pirates favorite place for fast food?  AAArrrrrrrrbys!


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## Akoto

This might already be here (too lazy to check):

How do you kill a blue elephant?

*A blue elephant gun...duhh*

How do you kill a pink elephant?

*Paint it blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.*


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## StarOceanHouse

Pete and Repeat are fishing in a boat. Pete falls in the lake. Who's left on the boat?


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## Naughtiest_Maximus

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made out of cling film. The doctor took one look at him and said " i can clearly see your nuts"


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## Cyrus

What did the robot say to the centipede?

Stop being a CENTIPEDE!!

It's funny, 'cause the robot aint got no arms!!!

What to you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino?
A rhinophant!

*BADAM-STUPID*


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## AlphaCharlieID

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.  

By coincidence, both were blind from birth.  

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake and fell down.

"Oh my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"That's ok," replied the snake. "Actually, I too have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you and figure out what you are so you'll know. 


That would be wonderful" replied the bunny.  

So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches,and you have a soft cottony tail.    I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. 

 The bunny then suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you allover with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.  

I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."


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## Cyrus

So a guy walks into a bar, it hurt.

Two guys walk into a bar, you would've thought the other one would've seen it coming.

So a muffin says to the other muffin
"man, its hot in here"
the other muffin turns and says
"HOLY FUCK A TALKING MUFFIN"


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## trip.more

L2R said:
			
		

> BBB, i can't count how many time i told that joke as a kid.
> 
> trip more, i prefer this version from the tasteless jokes thread
> 
> it's just so retarded




yeah I know Miptvision jacked that shit from me on shrooms8(


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## sn0wburt0n

three tampons are walking down the street. which one talks to you?





_none, there all stuck up bitches


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## funks_hybrid

what kind of jokes do vegetables like?

corny ones!
--------------

a priest, rapist, and pedophile walk into a bar...

and that's just the first guy


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## Wild

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. 

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. 

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!?" 




       YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS......... 





A little voice came out of the box:.................... 

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"


----------



## L2R

John O'Reilly hoisted his  beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me  wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife,  Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye  now. And what was your toast?" 
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me  life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"  Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of  John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and  said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,  Mary." 
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,  he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the  other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come. "


----------



## AlphaCharlieID

What do you call a french man in thongs?

Phillipe Flopp.

--

What do you find in a clean nose?

Finger prints


----------



## McWigga

^ Ahahaha EW ahahaha EW etc etc


----------



## AlphaCharlieID

Two blokes lying in bed next to each other. 

One turns to the other and says' I don't think much of this wife swapping!' 

-------
What's got two grey legs and two browns legs?

An elephant with diarrhoea. 

------

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says: "Look at that dog with one eye!" 

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says: "Where?" 

------

What do you call a woman who can wash up, do the ironing, make the beds, feed the kids, hang out the laundry, cook dinner and take the dog for a walk all at the same time?

A Swiss Army Wife

-----

AN old lady of 89 phoned the chemist to order incontinence pads.

"Do you deliver?" she asks.

"Yes, said the chemist - where are you ringing from."

"The waist down," she said


----------



## McWigga

Love the elephant and blonde one


----------



## Pop Popavich

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work.

"Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop?"


----------



## atri

a man and a girraffe walk into a bar and proceed to get drunk. the girraffe gets shitty and falls down. the man pays and goes to leave when the bartender says
"hey! you cant leave that lyin here!"
the man replies
"thats not a lion, thats a girraffe"


----------



## 5-HT2

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up
to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into
a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers
began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the beautiful
young woman, said quietly to his son: "Go get your Mother!"


----------



## reu_jkt

my favourite joke of all time (READ IT OUT LOUD OR IT WON'T WORK)

3 austrian kids decide to play a game.

-helmut - "let's play composers."

-franz - "ok. i'll be chopin."

-helmut - "i'll be mozart. what about you arnold?"

-arnold - "I'LL BE BACH"


----------



## McWigga

A butcher takes his new wife to a party and introduces her. "Hello everyone," he says. "Meet Patti."


----------



## Clipperachi

heard this one in jail this weekend from this CRzxy fool that used to pull carts for the local Wal-mart ,.,,

:::::::::::::

" So this guy and this girl are about to have sex... she goes intot the bathroom to change in to her lingere, and he puts on ear muffs,  a cloths pen on this nose, and a condom on his hard dick ..... she comes out of the b-room and says "baby, im all for the safe sex but what is with this freaky shix !??" ,,,  he says "  i hate to hear a bitch scream, and i hate the smell of burnt rubber "





my lord! 

in the holding cell he told this about 3 different times, first the dude was wearing a stocking cap,,, then the last tiem he told it, he said he hated the smell of burnt comdon .. yes... comdon..


BWWHAHAHA

jail is fun ..


----------



## Medi57

que digo el jaguar, el otro jaguar?
jaguar you?


My spanish is aweful so I may have got it a little wrong...


----------



## Medi57

A rabbit walks into a bar and asks if the serve food
'all we have is cheese or ham toasties' says the bar man
'I'll have a cheese one' says the rabbit
the rabbit eats his toastie and is amazed at how delicious it is!
'wow' says the rabbit, 'best toastie ever! Thanks!'
The next day the rabbit returns and orders the ham toastie
when it arrives it is just as fabulous as the first.
'I'm amazed at how nice your taosties are!' says the rabbit, dubfounded.
On the third day the rabbit enters the bar but is in turmoil about which toastie to eat...
'I love the cheese ones so rich and cheesey, but I also love the ham ones with their delicious meaty goodness'
'Why don't you have half and half?' says the barman.
'Of course!' says the rabbit.
Upon finishing his toasties he promptly dies.
At the pearly gates st Peter asks the rabbit how he died.
the rabbit take a breath and says: 'Mixing my toasties'


----------



## Wild

Why cant a nose be 12 inches long??


Because then it would be a FOOT!


----------



## Mechanoids

What’s the best way to catch a fish?

Have someone throw it to you


----------



## McWigga

What do you call a goat that mimes? 

Billi Vanilli.


----------



## rm-rf

MY JEWISH FRIEND TOLD ME THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!! IM NOT RACIST DAMN IT!

Two jews walk into a bar.


They bought it.


----------



## 5-HT2

A 17 year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed
her period for two months. Very worried, the mother
goes to the pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test. The
test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the
mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to
you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an
hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a
mature and distinguished man with grey hair and
impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the
Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living
room with the father and the mother, and the girl and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed
me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my
personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will
pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the
rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I
will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."

He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a
couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If
twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000
each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you
suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells
him "You fuck her again..."


----------



## 5-HT2

A Hydrogen Atom walks into a bar and announces “Hey everybody, I just lost my electron.”

The bartender asks, “Are you sure?”

To which the hydrogen atom replies….

“Yeah. I’m POSITIVE!!!!”


A neutron walked into a bar and
asked how much for a drink.
The bartender replied,
"for you, no charge."


----------



## 5-HT2

what does a mathematician do when he's constipated?

he sits down and works it out with a pencil


----------



## McWigga

^ Aaahh! Gross! Ha ha i love it


----------



## detonater

An american man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and the Kama Sutra.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "this is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking about NASCAR, supermodels, hunting, beer and women's breasts.

Really impressed by this time, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." And the robot says...

Real slowly...

"So............... Ya gonna vote for Bush again?"


----------



## AlphaCharlieID

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by 
herself . 

Man:     "May I buy you a cocktail?" 

Lady:     "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."  

Man:     "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" 

Lady:     "No, they open!"


----------



## AlphaCharlieID

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things.

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.

Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and I have a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, then shakes his head and says:

"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." 


---------------------
It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic


----------



## syymphonatic

Jimmy the D said:
			
		

> Here about the new Pirate Movie?????
> 
> 
> It's rated aRRRRRRgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh



don't get me started on pirate jokes!!




what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?





































where's my tractor?? 8(


----------



## AlphaCharlieID

How do you get a tissue to dance?

Put a little boogie in it!


----------



## Diacetylus

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. 
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"


----------



## AlphaCharlieID

^

Tehehe, i've heard that one before... is quite the funny


----------



## AlphaCharlieID

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. 

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" 

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround your self with intelligent people." 

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" 

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. " 

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" 

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me." 

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen. 

Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his vice president, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one." 

Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. 

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?

Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" 

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" 

Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!" 

Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"


----------



## AlphaCharlieID

Makes me proud to be an Aussie

"Is this the police?"

"Yes it is. How can  we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.

They swear at Wazza and leave.  The phone rings at Wazza's house.

"Hey, Wazz.  Did the  cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate"


----------



## AlphaCharlieID

A  man goes to the zoo... but when he arrives there is only a dog...
............. it was a shitzu

----------------------------------


The Centre for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment
Immediately:

   1. High fever
   2. Congestion
   3. Nausea
   4. Fatigue
   5. Aching in the joints
   6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield

--------------------------------------

There's these bunch of Vampire bats, hangin around a tree, all starving, then one suddenly flies up, his mouth covered in Blood, so all the bats gather around him and go, "Dude, where'd you get the fresh blood, we're all starvin here" 

So the bat says follow me, flies up to the top of the tree and says, "Well, see that Building way over there?" 

The other bats go, "No?!?!" , to which he replies, "Yeah, neither did I!" 

0----------------------

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return  trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two  lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on  board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Seamus, "Any idea where  we are?"

"Bejasus, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

-----------------.

A company, feeling that it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know that he means business!

So the CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do YOU make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week.... why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?!"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers speaks up:
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's!"

------------------------

After approximately four weeks of marriage, Elton John has suddenly
filed for divorce.  

Apparently Sir Elton has discovered that his 
partner David Furnish  was having sex behind his back...


----------



## Diacetylus

*confusionism...*

confusious say: man who goes to sleep with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.

Confusious say: Man who go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger.

Confusious say: Man who go to airport in sliding door, is going to BANGCOCK!

confusious say: gay indian...also brave sucker

confusious say: man who stuck in pantry...have ass in jam.

confusious say: elephant who see man naked....wonder how he breathe through that thing.

confusious say: is good for lady to meet guy in park...but better for man to park meat in lady.

confusious say: man who buy drowned cat pay for wet pussy.

Confusious say: more coming...


----------



## McWigga

Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.


----------



## AlphaCharlieID

Why do seagulls live near the sea? 

If they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels.


----------



## alasdairm

heisenberg gets pulled over by a cop. the cop says "_do you have any idea how fast you were going?_" heisenberg replies "_no. but i know exactly where i am!_"



alasdair


----------



## L2R

This Maori fella is walking up the beach with a couple of live crayfish in a bucket when he is stopped by a Ministry of Agriculture And Fisheries inspector. The inspector says to the Maori that it looks like he has caught a couple of under size crayfish. 


The Maori says
"Nah Bro, these crayfish are my pet crayfish. I just bring them down to the beach each day for a swim. When I whistle they hop back in the bucket and I take them home".  The MAF officer doesn't believe him and says it is illegal to catch undersize crayfish and starts writing out a ticket.  

Then the Maori says
 "Nah Bro just watch" and chucks the crayfish into the surf.  

The MAF officer then says
"Ok lets see ya whistle and make those crayfish come back to you" 

And the Maori fella says 


"What crayfish Bro?"


----------



## Dtergent

*Best banana joke ever!!*

Two men were sitting at a bar.

Man 1 said to man 2: "Excuse me sir but you have a banana
in your ear."

Man 2: "I'm sorry but I can't hear you."

Man 1: "I said you have a banana in your ear."

Man 2: "I'm sorry I can't hear you, I have a banana in my
ear."


----------



## L2R

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. 

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. 

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? 





..


..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..





















Answer: 

Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're drunk.


----------



## L2R

email


> It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his
> 
> wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make
> jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic,
> shit, I mean pathetic
> News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from
> his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be
> distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She
> said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened,
> I'm really stumped"
> "She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
> will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to
> walk out on a relationship like this"
> After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever
> consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it
> if we called her Heather.
> It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to
> the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world,
> and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't
> have a leg to stand on.
> Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity
> may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always
> trying to get her leg over".
> Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
> cause. Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would
> get home at night and find her legless"
> Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the
> present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new
> prosthetic leg for Christmas, but that was just a stocking-filler.
> A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his
> mate "I'm f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?"
> His mate says "try Paul McCartney"
> Finally, a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
> I lay upon a grassy bank
> My hands were all a quiver
> I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river
> These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now
> she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who
> can fill her shoe.


----------



## L2R

email



> >Baked Beans -
> 
> >
> 
> >One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
> 
> >When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme
> 
> >sacrifice and gave up beans.
> 
> >Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
> 
> >from work.
> 
> >Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him
> 
> that
> 
> >I would be late because I had to walk home.
> 
> >On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was
> 
> >more than I could stand.
> 
> >
> 
> >With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects
> 
> by
> 
> >the
> 
> >time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it,
> 
> I
> 
> >had
> 
> >consumed three large orders of baked beans.
> 
> >All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
> 
> >Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
> 
> >delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
> 
> >He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
> 
> >
> 
> >I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
> 
> >telephone rang.
> 
> >He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and
> 
> >went to answer the call.
> 
> >
> 
> >The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
> 
> >pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of
> 
> >the
> 
> >room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let
> 
> one
> 
> >go.
> 
> >It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
> 
> >over a
> 
> >skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
> 
> >I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
> 
> >Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
> 
> >was worse than cooked cabbage.
> 
> >Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other
> 
> room,
> 
> >I went on like this for another few minutes.
> 
> >The pleasure was indescribable.
> 
> >When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my
> 
> >freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
> 
> >placed it
> 
> >on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and
> 
> >pleased
> 
> >with myself.
> 
> >My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
> 
> >returned, apologizing for taking so long.
> 
> >He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him
> 
> I
> 
> >Had not.
> 
> >
> 
> >At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
> 
> seated
> 
> >around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"


----------



## TheCunnilingusKid

What do a Gynaecologist and Pizza Delivery Boy have in common?

They can both smell it .... but they can't eat it?


----------



## TBritton

what's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids wont eat broccoli.


----------



## MikecMikec

Sometimes, when someone tries to join in on a conversation ill say

This is an A B conversation
Nachos

or

This is a Taco, Burrito Conversation
C your way out


----------



## ShaDDoW

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk man led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch!" the man said.

He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!! IT'S THREE-THIRTY IN THE MORNING!!!"


----------



## ShaDDoW

Jesus is up in heaven. He's looked for Joseph everywehere but he just can't find him. Finally as he's sitting on a park bench with his head in his hands, an old man comes along and says "Why the long face, son? You're in heaven, you should be happy."

Jesus says, "I've been looking for my father everywhere but I just can't find him."

The old man says, "Why, I've been looking for my son and can't find him. Tell me about yourself."

"Well, my father was a woodcarver."

The old man says, "I used to be a woodcarver."

"I was born by a miraculous birth."

The old man says, "MY son was born by a miraculous birth."

"I died and came back to life again.."

The old man exclaims, "Why MY son died and came back to life again!"

Jesus peers up at the old man and asks, "Joseph?"

The old man peers down at Jesus and asks, "Pinocchio?"


----------



## ShaDDoW

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and
Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not
steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not
commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."


----------



## ShaDDoW

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..

The girl said, " NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor. You bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.

The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......

"The bastard used quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!


----------



## dapurpman

LOL, funny jokes man


----------



## Pop Popavich

Email:


> This was written by a guy... it's pretty d*mn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor!
> 
> I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
> 
> FOR EXAMPLE:
> 
> One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
> 
> Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
> 
> I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
> 
> So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
> 
> "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
> 
> She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
> 
> Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
> 
> The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
> 
> We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
> 
> I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
> 
> I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
> 
> Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
> 
> "WHAT?"
> 
> I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
> 
> And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
> 
> Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... or prehaps for the rest of my life but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her.


----------



## Blue_Phlame

^ hahahahahahahah great stuff. i'm saving that one.


----------



## FoxxyLady

OMG! too funny!


----------



## Mazey

There will only be 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest this year
because no one wants to wear the banner that says, IDAHO


----------



## Don Luigi

What do you call the two spanish Firemen?

Hose A and Hose B


----------



## Pop Popavich

An elderly man owned a large farm with a large pond in the back.

It was perfect for swimming, so he set up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he  hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a large bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

_Moral: Being old doesn't mean you can't still think fast!_


----------



## captainballs

why are ravers good at algebra?









They know how to plug x


----------



## Blue_Phlame

^ that's why you're known as captainballs in my book 

lol


----------



## captainballs

I'm just chasin that paper in the streets all day everyday money over bitches


----------



## L2R

less funny, more cheesy
email 


> >Nick - The Dragon Slayer
> >
> >Once upon a time, and far far away lived a Beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
> >
> >Nick The Dragon Slayer, knew that the penalty For his desire would be death, should he try to touch them.
> >
> >One day, Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
> >
> >Horatio, the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick, the Dragon Slayer, to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
> >
> >Without pause, Nick, the Dragon Slayer, readily agreed to the scheme.
> >
> >The next day, Horatio, the Physician, made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio, the Physician, informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick, the Dragon Slayer, would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
> >
> >The King quickly summoned Nick, the Dragon Slayer. Horatio, the Physician, then slipped Nick, the Dragon Slayer, the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
> >
> >The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick, the Dragon Slayer, left satisfied and touted as a hero.
> >
> >Upon returning to his chamber, Nick, the Dragon Slayer, found Horatio, the Physician, demanding his payment of
> >1,000 gold coins.
> >
> >With his obsession now satisfied, Nick, the Dragon Slayer, couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio, the Physician, could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
> >
> >The next day, Horatio, the Physician, slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
> >
> >The King immediately summoned Nick, the Dragon Slayer .
> >
> >The moral of the story - - - - - - - - - - - - Pay your bills


----------



## Dulcinea

Why did the cookie go to the doctors?

Cuz he felt crummy!


----------



## syymphonatic

Q: what's wrong with four ravers/hippies/lawyers/etc. in a honda civic going over a cliff??

A: a civic seats 5!!



forgive me if that appeared earlier in the thread, i tend to repeat myself :D


----------



## captainballs

Why do break-dancers make good burglars?





Because they can pop-lock





Tough crowd, tough crowd


----------



## alasdairm

on the cheese theme.

*Q:* which cheese is made backwards?
*A:* edam!

*Q:* why is welsh cheese so good?
*A:* it's made caerphilly!

oh well.

alasdair


----------



## L2R

An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any instrument you
like".

The Englisman gives it a guitar which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.
The Irishman gives it a piano which it plays better than Elton John.
The Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes.

The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from
the bagpipes and the Scotsman asks, "What's wrong? Can ye no play it?"

The octopus replies, "Play it? I'm gonna fuck her brains out once I get
her pyjamas off."


----------



## Mazey

^  

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Alaska to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."?


----------



## getreal




----------



## kittyinthedark

alasdairm said:
			
		

> heisenberg gets pulled over by a cop. the cop says "_do you have any idea how fast you were going?_" heisenberg replies "_no. but i know exactly where i am!_"
> 
> 
> 
> alasdair


ahahahaha!!!!


----------



## percy168

what did the slug say to the snail?













help the homeless


----------



## StarOceanHouse

The energizer bunny was arrested last week.




Charged with battery.


----------



## L2R

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. 
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" 
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." 
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" 
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.


----------



## percy168

news flash

reports that toilets have been vandalised at the police station are coming in.

a police spokesman said " we have nothing to go on"


----------



## L2R

^teehee


----------



## LostandFound

i have one of the most racist jokes on the planet an im only telling it for you racist ass bastards

how do you fit ten jews in a 5 person car, 

5 in the seats and 5 in the ash tray


----------



## The Real Fatman

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the clerk 3 nails and a pair of 2x4s and asks him to put him up for the night.


----------



## kittyinthedark

Dude, you got it all wrong!  It's

How many jews can you fit in a volkswagon?

504.  Two in the front.  Two in the back.  Five hundred in the ash tray.



But this is the corny joke thread, not the racist joke thread!

Some tomatoes were walking along one day, and their friend was lagging really far behind.  One tomato says, "If you don't get up here quick, I'm gonna kick your ass!  You're making us late!."  So the second tomato yells back, "Shut up asshole, I'll take my time if I want!."  Eventually, the second tomato gets back up with the group, and the angry tomato smashes him into the ground and says, "Ketchup."


----------



## L2R

>     GM v MICROSOFT
>
>
>
>     At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared

>the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had
>kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be

>driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." 
>
>In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
>stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be

>driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this 
>part):
>
>1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
>
>2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
>buy a new car.
>
>3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You 
>would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
>shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
>continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
>
>4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
>your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
>have to reinstall the engine.
>
>5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was 
>reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run

>on only five percent of the roads.
>
>6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
>be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" 
>warning light.
>
>7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
>
>8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
>and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door 
>handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
>
>9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
>how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate 
>in the same manner as the old car.
>
>10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


----------



## L2R

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! 



There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. . 



On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads: 

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: 

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. 

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework. 

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. 



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 14,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.


----------



## percy168

why don't prawns give to charity?































because they're shellfish


----------



## fengtau

A USA Today Report shows that apparently, 3 out of 4 people in this world makes 75% of the world population.


----------



## fengtau

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate.


----------



## L2R

*off the top of my head from about 15 years ago*


Ahmed and his cousin, Mustafa are sitting on a hill looking over their village. Mustafa notices that Ahmed is feeling down and asks him about it.
"Well cousin, i'm very upset about my reputation." said Ahmed.
"What do you mean?" asked Mustafa
"When I worked in the town store, no one called me Ahmed the storekeep, and when I built all those houses down there, not one person called me Ahmed the Builder......" explained Ahmed.
"Yes, go on." his cousin insisted"

".....but i fuck just one goat...."


----------



## Akoto

fengtau said:
			
		

> If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate.



haha clever

But what about the colloids man!



> heisenberg gets pulled over by a cop. the cop says "do you have any idea how fast you were going?" heisenberg replies "no. but i know exactly where i am!"



I dont get it.


----------



## L2R

An Irish daughter came home one St. Patrick's Day that had not been home for over 5 years. 

Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? 

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a 
prostitute...." 

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! 
You're a disgrace to this family." 

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ." 

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. 

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! 
Sniff, sniff." 

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!


----------



## donkeyPUNCH

^  hahahahahahahahahaha 

i like it!


----------



## Don Luigi

L2R said:
			
		

> An Irish daughter came home one St. Patrick's Day that had not been home for over 5 years.
> 
> Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
> 
> The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a
> prostitute...."
> 
> "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
> You're a disgrace to this family."
> 
> "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ."
> 
> "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
> 
> Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad!
> Sniff, sniff."
> 
> "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!




I have to remember that one, I'm going to tell it tomorrow night at the friday night drink up!


----------



## bromance

Why don't you want to take a shower with a Pokemon??



Because he'll Pikachu!!


----------



## vegan

> I dont get it.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncertainty_principle
enjoy


----------



## banksy

what's the similarity between a woman's bottom  and a battery 

your going to stick your tongue on them but you know u shouldn't


----------



## TALLY

how do you make a tissue dance?

put a lil boogie in it


----------



## LostandFound

why are a girl and a screen door the same?

the more you bang em the looser they get


----------



## LvMkngFlwrChld

how do you make 5 pounds of fat beautiful?





put a nipple on it


----------



## jacksmusik

Cyrus said:
			
		

> What did the robot say to the centipede?
> 
> Stop being a CENTIPEDE!!
> 
> It's funny, 'cause the robot aint got no arms!!!
> 
> What to you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino?
> A rhinophant!
> 
> *BADAM-STUPID*



hell-if-I-know


----------



## TALLY

What do you call a black man who flies a plane?

A pilot...you racist


----------



## comfortably_dumb

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch.  The bartender says, "hey buddy....why's there a steering wheel on your crotch?"  and the pirate says "I don't know, but it driving me nuts."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....    and now i'm sad..


----------



## xcidium

A guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading. The guy says, "This is the pig I have sex with whenever you've got a headache."

His wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

The guy replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."


----------



## L2R

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. 

Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend.

"Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

" Robin replies," I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.

Robin ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and   potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is silent for a moment, and then speaks:

"Robin, you f**king idiot..... someone has stolen our tent."


----------



## jah

Lady goes to the doctor and says,"hey doc ,i think you got me on the wrong hormones, i'm starting to grow hair on my chest" the doc says,"We'll how much hair, you growing?" the lady says"down to my BALLS, thats another thing we have to talk about."


----------



## L2R

*A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. 

"What are you doing in there?" she asked. 

The rabbit replied: 

"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", 

to which the lady replied 

"Yes." 

"Well," the rabbit said, 

"I'm westing." 


*


----------



## badboybrian

LvMkngFlwrChld said:
			
		

> how do you make 5 pounds of fat beautiful?
> 
> put a nipple on it



ftw!


What did Jesus tell all the Jews before he was crucified?

"Alright, now act stupid until I get back."


----------



## who_can_say

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff.


----------



## lysergicanimal

*Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs*

Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs at easter time?

   Because he does not want anyone to know that he is fucking a chicken!

  Ha Ha right I know it's a little lame, but it's ok I think it's funny I had a kindergarden student! tell me this one yesterday. In all my yrs, I'm amazed I have not heard this one before, I guess you do learn something every day


----------



## guikid

you shoulda backhanded him and been like 'DONT SAY FUCK." Kids today have it way to easy.


----------



## Czar420

Hey Everyone!!!! Jesus is coming!!!!!!! Quick! Go hide the eggs!!!!!! Repeat..........Jesus is coming!!!!!!!! Quick! Go hide the eggs!!!!!! This is not a drill!!!!!!!!!


----------



## lysergicanimal

guikid said:
			
		

> you shoulda backhanded him and been like 'DONT SAY FUCK." Kids today have it way to easy.




 You gotta be kidding me back hand someone else's child, That's a one way ticket to a lawsuit or possible jail!. I don't think parents can even touch there kids now days can they? I wouldn't back hand a child, but if it was my kid, I'd probably spank him. I think all children should be physically disciplined, with in limits of course, If not If the parents don't agree with spanking or a wooden spoon on the ass, the parents will just end up with grey hair or no hair way before there time!


----------



## ShaDDoW

Fuck backhanding him, you should've stuck his hand in a meat grinder and then made him a hand sammich to make up for it.

Mmmmmmm.... Hand sammich....

BTW, that joke sucks balls.


----------



## Mazey

*P E A N U T S*

P E A N U T S 

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load 
of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, 
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times. 

When she is about to hand him another batch again 
he asks the little old lady,
why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. 

The puzzled driver asks, 
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,?
"We just love the chocolate around them."


----------



## PooterIntruder

why do we have goosebumps?


so geese wont speed!


----------



## Mazey

"Circumcised"                                        

 A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class               
 was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying                
 attention.                                                                 

 She went back to find out what was going on.                               

 He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just                    
 recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.                          

 The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.                 
 He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do               
 about it.                                                                  

 He did and returned to his class.                                          

 Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.                   

 She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at                   
 his desk with his "private part" hanging out.                              

 "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.                         

 "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it                
 out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."


----------



## LvMkngFlwrChld

wow, the blue elephant joke got destroyed.

how do you kill a blue elephant?
with a blue elephant gun

how do you kill a white elephant?
you choke the mothafucka till he turns blue and shoot him with a blue elephant gun

how do you kill and orange elephant?
go down to wallmart and get yourself some krylon blue paint, paint that son of a bitch blue and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.


whats the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
a drunk runs through a stop sign and a stoner waits for the stopsign to turn green


----------



## badboybrian

whats the difference between your mom and a rhino?

one has a big mouth and a fat ass.  the other lives in the wild.


----------



## Sparky

Tommy walks over to his Friend Jimmy's on Christmas morning.

"what did you get for Christmas Jimmy?"

"I got a playstation 3, a plasma TV, £10,000, a holiday in the caribbean, a Jeep, a cruise ship and a helicopter.  What did you get?"

"I got a banana and a casio watch but I haven't got leaukemia"


----------



## GreenEyedGirrrL

Q: What's better than roses on a piano?
A: Tulips on an organ.


----------



## QuestionEverything

My son got in trouble for telling this to his class at school ...


What's invisible and smells like carrots?









bunny farts!:D


----------



## Sparky

What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.


----------



## Sparky

What's blue and fucks your grandmother?

Your grandad in a denim jacket.


----------



## L2R

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my breasts. I can splash it on my face".


----------



## Klue

^ L2R, I told that joke to my old man and he said that he first heard it when he was 8 years old.

That makes that joke at least 52 years old, but he still laughed. I think it brought back good memories or something!


----------



## Don Luigi

A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said, "Cheese sandwich, $4; chicken sandwich, $5; handjob, $20."

He said to the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She said, "Yeah."

He said, "Then go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich."


----------



## L2R

A duck walks into a library and asks the librarian: "Got any eggs?" The librarian replies: "No, this is a library." The duck walks away. 

The next day the duck returns, and asks: "Got any eggs?" The librarian replies: "We didn't have any eggs yesterday, and nothing has changed." The duck walks away. 

The following day, the duck returns yet again and asks: "Got any eggs?" The irate librarian replies: "The next time you ask me that question I'm going to nail your beak to the counter." "Got any nails?" the duck asks. "No," is the reply. Pause. "Got any eggs?"


----------



## L2R

A little girl goes into the barber shop with her father, she stands next to the barber chair, eating a cupcake, while her dad gets his haircut. 

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." 

"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too."


----------



## Klue

L2R ^ That is so bloody classic. I think I  peed my undies a bit.


----------



## vegan

> What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.


yes! i have to remember this one


----------



## Beans

want to hear a clean joke?

i took a bath with bubbles.

want to hear a dirty joke?

bubbles is my next-door neighbor's dog.


----------



## xcidium

I used to be a werewolf but I'm over it NOOOowoooOwwOwwwwOwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.


----------



## Jimboach

What's red and pink and spins around and around?  

A dead baby in a blender.

How do you get it out?

Chips.


----------



## L2R

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.


----------



## 'medicine cabinet'

why does jesus shop at wal-mart?

because jesus saves....


----------



## L2R

^made me giggle


----------



## vegan

^^


----------



## L2R

^heehee

i had an image in my old gallery with a pic of j man and a video game centipede monster which read:
*jesus saves
before he fights the boss*


----------



## L2R

^heehee

i had an image in my old gallery with a pic of j man and a video game centipede monster which read:
*jesus saves
before he fights the boss*


----------



## Damien

A Jew, a Mexican, and a Chinese man walk into a bar. 
The bartender looks at them and says "What the hell is this? A joke?"


What do you call a black guy flying an airplane?

A pilot you fuckin racist!


----------



## lystra

What did the dentist say to his girlfriend on their second date?
*
*
*
*
I have fillings for you.

ahhhh haa i'm a loser


----------



## Pop Popavich

Jesus Saves!

Passes to Moses... He shoots. He SCORES!


----------



## Pop Popavich

A bloke walks out of the bar and goes back to work, on his way he sees a big bloke with sheep under each arm walking towards him.

"G'day mate, you shearing?"

"Nah, I'm keeping both these little beauties for meself".


----------



## connor

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.


----------



## TALLY

Did you hear about the blind prostitute...Well you really have to hand it to her.


----------



## bromance

lystra said:
			
		

> What did the dentist say to his girlfriend on their second date?
> *
> *
> *
> *
> I have fillings for you.
> 
> ahhhh haa i'm a loser



Hahahaha I love it.


----------



## swurleygurl

did ya hear the pope got the bird flu.... he got it from the cardinals


lame


----------



## Pop Popavich

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each  other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her:

"Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"


----------



## L2R

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,  Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man  should be here soon." 

Half  an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened  to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he  said, "I've come to..." 

"Oh,  no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting  you." 

"Have  you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know  babies are my specialty?" 

"Well  that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".   

After  a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"  

"Leave  everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and  perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.  You can really spread out there." 

"Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"   

"Well,  Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try  several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure  you'll be pleased with the results." 

"My,  that's a lot!",  gasped Mrs. Smith. 

"Ma'am,  in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out  in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."   

"Don't  I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. 

The  photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby  pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.   

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith  exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 

"And  these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother  was so difficult to work with." 

"She  was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. 

"Yes,  I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done  right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"   

"Four  and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.   

"Yes",  the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother  was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and  when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the  squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."   

Mrs.  Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,  uh...equipment?" 

"It's  true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can  get to work right away." 

"Tripod?"  

"Oh  yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big  to be held in the hand very long." 

Mrs.  Smith fainted


----------



## L2R

*inspired by a_c*

dawkins and god were having an argument. god pleaded "hey, man, why don't you lay off the hating for once?" dawkins only reply was "you can't make me!"


----------



## AlphaCharlieID

^

Ahahah!


----------



## L2R

> >> Subject: ONLY IN GLASGOW
> >>
> >> Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the 
> >> entertainment industry for being more than just a little
> self-righteous.
> >>
> >> At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the
> audience for
> > total
> >> quiet.
> >>
> >> Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands,
> once every few
> >> seconds.
> >>
> >> Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the
> microphone,
> >> "Every
> >> time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
> >>
> >> A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the
> crowd pierced
> > the
> >> quiet. . ..
> >>
> >> "Well, foockin stop doin it then ya evil basturd!"


----------



## xcidium

Two indian's were in their kayak in the middle of winter. They were extremely cold so they decided to build a fire in the middle of the kayak. Needless to say, it burnt a hole and they sunk.

Moral of the story?
You can't have your kayak and heat it too.


  +   x 10


----------



## L2R

^dude,


that's BRILLIANT


----------



## Damien

There once was an Indian chief who was having some very disturbing dreams. So he went to the shaman to ask him what the dreams meant. He explained to the shaman that in the dreams he would be transformed into either be a teepee, or a wigwam. One night the teepee, then the next a wigwam night after night. The shaman thought about this for a minute and then told the chief that he was two tents.


----------



## MkII

whats the IQ of a pregnant blonde?
































2.


----------



## MkII

how do you get a one armed blonde hanging from a tree down?




































wave.




what do beer bottles and blondes have in common?













































they're both empty from the neck up.


what 2 things in the air will get a blonde pregnant?













































her feet.



why did they ban "the wave" at stadiums?

















































cause a blonde drowned.


----------



## MkII

3 women had just escaped from prison.  a russian, japanese, and a blonde.  when they got over the wall the found 3 potato sacks to hide in.  knwoing the gaurds would be looking for them they hid in them.  one of the gaurds see's the potato sack and goes up to them.  he kicks the one with the russian in it.  she goes "meow".  just a cat he says.  he goes up to the one with the japanese in it and kicks that sack too.  she says "meow".  just a cat he says.  he goes up tothe sack with the blonde in it and kicks it.  she goes "potato".


----------



## Dego

A sandwich walks in to a bar.
The bartender looks at the sandwich and says "Sorry buddy, we don't serve food here".


----------



## ihateecstacy

what would The Filntstones have been called if they were black?







Niggers.


----------



## Tootsie

Have you heard the joke about the butter?

Well I can't tell you cause you might spread it.


Eh, lame.


----------



## ClubbinGuido

My one friend threw beer bottle at some kid when he told that joke at a poker game I was hosting. Hilarity ensued.

I got one.

So anyways this guy goes down to city to visit his goomar.  So he's going to see her and he decides to take the subway.  So he he gets on the subway and goes to sit down. He sits down and the guy next to him, this guy next to him says to him he says "Hey thats my sandwich."

Discuss.


----------



## L2R

Damien8787 said:
			
		

> There once was an Indian chief who was having some very disturbing dreams. So he went to the shaman to ask him what the dreams meant. He explained to the shaman that in the dreams he would be transformed into either be a teepee, or a wigwam. One night the teepee, then the next a wigwam night after night. The shaman thought about this for a minute and then told the chief that he was two tents.




you said it wrong!

and that's funnier than that joke!


----------



## L2R

ClubbinGuido said:
			
		

> My one friend threw beer bottle at some kid when he told that joke at a poker game I was hosting. Hilarity ensued.
> 
> I got one.
> 
> So anyways this guy goes down to city to visit his goomar.  So he's going to see her and he decides to take the subway.  So he he gets on the subway and goes to sit down. He sits down and the guy next to him, this guy next to him says to him he says "Hey thats my sandwich."
> 
> Discuss.



oh i get it, that joke sucks!

that joke is a fuckin joke


----------



## ClubbinGuido

L2R said:
			
		

> oh i get it, that joke sucks!
> 
> that joke is a fuckin joke



You win the prize!


----------



## peasnluv

a jumper cable walks into a bar. the bartender says "ill serve u, but dont start anything"


----------



## peasnluv

what do u call a fish with no eyes? a fsh


----------



## peasnluv

this dude sent his friend twenty different puns hoping that at least ten of the puns would make him laugh. no pun in ten did

ahhhh.... i got jokes


----------



## L2R

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked 

you at 100 km per hour, sir.' 

The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps 

your radar gun needs calibrating.' 

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, 

you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.' 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife 

and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?' 

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar 

detector went off when it did.' 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector 

unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through 

clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?' 

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your 

seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $135 fine.' 

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it 

off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my 

back pocket.' 

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your 

seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.' 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns 

to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??' 

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always 

talk to you this way, Madam?' 

she replies..




.... 





'Only when he's been drinking.'


----------



## L2R

peasnluv said:
			
		

> a jumper cable walks into a bar. the bartender says "ill serve u, but dont start anything"



excellent :D


----------



## phr

You know what you call a smart blonde?

What? A golden retriever.


I just heard it on the radio.


----------



## bromance

Tootsie said:
			
		

> Have you heard the joke about the butter?
> 
> Well I can't tell you cause you might spread it.
> 
> 
> Eh, lame.





hahahah that's fucking hilarious


----------



## yoker

Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a piece of toast.


----------



## TALLY

What kind of medicine do you take when your butt hurts?


Asspirin


----------



## Tootsie

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."


----------



## Tootsie

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."


----------



## phr

Haha. A disabled and gay joke back to back. +1


----------



## MkII

Tootsie said:
			
		

> A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.
> 
> The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
> 
> Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
> 
> He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
> 
> He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."


BAHAHAHAHjhsjkhkjhdasd897r89243yhjdshhahahahjkahiuehdwlkh


----------



## StarOceanHouse

What's the difference between a church and a cactus? 


On a cactus all the pricks are on the outside


----------



## fengtau

Lotsa local slang used in this joke.  You'd have to be from around Malaysia or Singapore to understand.



> Ah Beng went to take night courses for the reason in future can get
> promotion or better job. During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah
> Seng
> about his knowledge.
> 
> 
> Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... I've been taking night courses for 3 months
> already,
> next week is the exam.
> Ah Seng: Oh... Good luck ah.
> 
> 
> Then Ah Beng started show off...
> 
> 
> Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell?
> Ah Seng: Don't know
> Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take
> night courses, you would know this.
> Ah Seng: ........................ *speechless*
> 
> 
> The next day, Ah Beng shows off again...
> 
> 
> Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... let me ask you, who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?
> Ah Seng: Wash your toilet one ah?
> Ah Beng: No! He's the author of "Confessions", nah nah nah... told you
> already, if you take night courses, you would know this.
> 
> 
> Ah Seng: ......................... *speechless + frustrated*
> 
> 
> The next day, once again...
> 
> 
> Ah Beng: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?
> Ah Seng: Your gay partner?
> Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know don't simply answer la. He's the
> author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know
> this.
> 
> 
> Ah Seng: ..................... *speechless + frustrated + irritated
> 
> 
> This time Ah Seng cannot tahan (stand) anymore and ask Ah Beng...
> 
> 
> Ah Seng: Eh... Do you know who is Ah Kaw?
> Ah Beng: Errrr... No!
> Ah Seng: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night
> courses,
> you would know this!!
> Ah Beng: ........................ *fainted*


----------



## phr

Those crazy Malaysians...


----------



## Pshaaw

How can you tell when an elephant's having her period?

You find 50 cents on your nightstand and your mattress is gone.


----------



## MkII

how do you quadruople the seating in a gay bar?



turn all the stools upside down.


----------



## MkII

have i ever told anyone that i have black people in my family tree?










yeah, they're still hanging there.


----------



## Pshaaw

How do you get a one-armed idiot out of a tree?

Wave


----------



## E-llusion

yoker said:
			
		

> Why did the plane crash?
> 
> Because the pilot was a piece of toast.



Makes no sense


----------



## fengtau

phrozen said:
			
		

> Those crazy Malaysians...



Ah Beng and Ah Seng are nickname we give to Malaysian rednecks/hillbilly.


----------



## KiwiQflyer

What do gay horses eat?  Ha-ay

What do gay elephants eat?  Peanutssssss.

Did you hear the joke about the broken pencil?
Ah, forget about it.  It's pointless.  (bwahaahahah!)


----------



## Tootsie

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other sLide.


----------



## goatofthenever

Pshaaw said:
			
		

> How can you tell when an elephant's having her period?
> 
> You find 50 cents on your nightstand and your mattress is gone.





> Why did the plane crash?
> 
> Because the pilot was a piece of toast.



I don't get these. someone explain them to me in a calm and collected manner.


----------



## ClubbinGuido

goatofthenever said:
			
		

> I don't get these. someone explain them to me in a calm and collected manner.



First you'll need to bash your head against a wall a few times and smoke a shitload of dust.  Then you should understand.


----------



## TALLY

What do you call the ghost of a chicken

a poultrygeist


----------



## ClubbinGuido

^ I LOL'd. It also made me hungry.


----------



## KiwiQflyer

What do you call it when you have sex every day for 365 days straight and then melt the condoms together and make a tire out of it??

A fuckin GoodYear


----------



## L2R

Tootsie said:
			
		

> Why did the chicken cross the playground?
> 
> To get to the other sLide.



bwahahahahaaahahaahahahaaahahah

that's fantastci


----------



## L2R

>A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
> >Loud pounding on the door.  The man gets up and goes to the door
> >where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is
> >asking for a push.
> >"Not a chance," says the husband.  "It is 3 o'clock in the
> >morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
> >"Who was that?" asked the wife.
> >"Just some drunk guy asking for a push.
> >"Did you help him?" she asks.
> >"No, I did not.  It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is
> >pouring rain outside!"
> >His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago
> >when we broke down and those two guys helped us?  You should be
> >ashamed of yourself!" The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring
> >rain.  He
> >calls out into the dark,  "Hello, Are you still there?"
> >"Yes", comes the answer.
> >"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
> >"Yes!  Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
> >"Where are you?" asks the husband.
> >"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.


----------



## L2R

> A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected
> the following items:
>
>
>      * A  litre  of  skim  milk
>      * A half carton of eggs
>      * A  litre  of orange juice
>      * A lettuce
>      * A  500g  bottle of coffee
>      * And a half kilo package of bacon
>
>
>  As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
> drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
> the cashier.
>
>
>  While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
> stated, "You must be single."
>
>
>  The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
> intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
> She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
> unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
> her marital status.
>
>
>  Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
> you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
>
>
>  The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
>


----------



## Damien

A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation. Patti looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.


----------



## bromance

KiwiQflyer said:
			
		

> Did you hear the joke about the broken pencil?
> Ah, forget about it.  It's pointless.





HAHAHAHAH yes!!!


----------



## XTc_for_me

oh oh oh i got one....... this is the cheesiest joke of them all.........














''''



















ANIMAL_COOKIE!!!!    ba da ching


----------



## phr

Fail.

Would you like to try again?


----------



## fengtau

John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"

Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral".

John says: "what is oral?"

Grandpa: "I say F**k you, and she says:F**k you too"

_____________________________________________________________________


The 3 tragedies in a man's life:

1- life sucks

2- job sucks

3- Wife does NOT!

_____________________________________________________________________


A man is dying of cancer.

His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??".

Answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare to f**k your mother."

_____________________________________________________________________


"I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.

Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.

The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it"
_____________________________________________________________________


YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.

TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!

_____________________________________________________________________


Question: "Why is a waist called a waist?"

Answer: "Because anything above the p**sy and below the tits is a waste"

_____________________________________________________________________


A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the
dinner table".

The man climbs into bed slowly and says:

"Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?"


----------



## ClubbinGuido

XTc_for_me said:
			
		

> oh oh oh i got one....... this is the cheesiest joke of them all.........
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ''''
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ANIMAL_COOKIE!!!!    ba da ching



LOL WUT


----------



## Klue

A woman goes to the doctor and comes home and tells her husband that the doctor said she has acute angina....

The husband replied... "And you have nice tits too!"

Hehehe


----------



## ClubbinGuido

^ I LOL'd.


----------



## Damien

LITTLE Mark ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little MARK.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little MARK says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little MARK replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


*********************************************************
LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2)

Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies MARK.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father

"That's what I said!"
********************************************************
LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

MARK says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful."

Little MARK says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
****************************************************

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR

Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go."

Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
*******************************************************

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
******************************************************

LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little MARK replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little MARK answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.


----------



## L2R

^very good. i laughed out loud at that last one.


----------



## Damien

Ya, I laughed. The last one had some lounge flavor in it. Found it on MySpace.


----------



## Squeaks

My roomate just told me this one....

How Do you Make a Dead Baby Float?

Two Scoops of Ice Cream, some Soda, and a Dead Baby...


----------



## Edvard Munch




----------



## yoker

> Originally Posted by yoker
> Why did the plane crash?
> 
> Because the pilot was a piece of toast.





			
				Crazeee said:
			
		

> Makes no sense



Some people laugh at this and others dont, mabe its a timing thing. I get this image of a plane going down and people screaming for their lives and then up in the cockpit theres a piece of toast on a seat.


----------



## L2R

> The wife came home from work early and found her husband in their
> bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. 
> 
> Understandably, she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!"
> she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of
> your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
> 
> Her husband replied, "Hang on just a minute luv, I can explain what
> happened."
> 
> "You can try", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to
> me!"
> 
> And the husband began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home
> and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out
> and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
> 
> I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
> told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I
> brought her home and warmed up the soup I made for you last night, the
> soup that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
> The poor thing devoured three bowls in moments.
> 
> Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was
> doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw
> them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans
> that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they
> are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
> present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
> 
> I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
> use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
> expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same
> pair."
> 
> Then he took a quick breath and pressed on - "She was so grateful for my
> understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me
> with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... Do you have anything else
> that your wife doesn't use?"


----------



## 9mmCensor

There is this Newfie in a bar, and he sees this beautiful woman. He downs his pint, and goes up to her.
"You are really beautiful, will ya let me kiss ya," he says.
"Sorry buddy, I have a boyfriend," she replys.

He goes back to the bar and puts back a few more pints and returns with the liquid courage to ask her one more time.
"Your so hot I just want to lick your body all over," he says, half tanked.
"Look buddy I have a bodyfriend and he huge, you say anything else to me and he will beat the living sh*t out of you, so go away and leave me alone," the girl replies.

So he goes back to the bar and starts working on some whiskey shots.
He stumbles back to her and declares,
"Your so damn hot, I just want to fill your pussy with beer and drink it."
This is when she gets really mad, "Thats it buddy, you'd better take off because I am getting my boyfriend and he's gonna kill you," and she storms off.

She finds her boyfriend who is huge, with massive pipes, playing pool, "Whats wrong babe?" he asks.
"This guy has said some horrible things," she tells him.

"He said he wanted to kiss me."
Her boyfriend starts rolling his sleaves up.
"He said he wanted to lick my body."
He starts cracking his knuckles ready to pound this guy.
"He said he wanted to fill my pussy with beer and drink it."
To her dismay, her boyfriends stops cracking his knuckles and rolls his sleaves down.
"What," she says, "you arent going to beat him up?"
"No way babe, I aint gonna mess with a guy that can drink that much beer."


----------



## Don Luigi

This page has filled me with laughter.


----------



## His Name Is Frank

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road 
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. 

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," 
says Little Red Riding Hood. 

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. 
Further down  the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. 

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. 

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. 
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, 
this time crouched down behind a road sign. 
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood. 

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, 
"Will you get lost?
I'm trying to take a shit!"
________________________________________________________

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. 

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. 

Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti. 

Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush. 

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!" 

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush? "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."


----------



## Don Luigi

lol, they were brilliant, I'm in stitches.


----------



## fengtau

A man who has never done any grocery shopping before was given the task to buy grocery when his wife is out sick.  She handed him the shopping list and off the man went to Wal Mart.

After an hour in the Wal Mart, the man came home happy that he has done extremely well on his shopping assignment.  In his shopping bag were the following items:

one celery
two washing fluid
three tomatoes
four AA batteries
five instant noodles
....


----------



## fengtau

a recent flight from Shenzhen to Qingtao by China Southern Airlines:

"Good afternoon, Ladies and the German. This is your cheap purser Wang Lui speaking. On behalf of China Sudden  Airlines, I would like to welcome you on board our Bowling 737 from Shenzhen to Qingtao. Members of my crew speak Chinese and other languages that you do not know. It is a great pressure serving you to-die. Should you need any  resistance during the fright, peace do pest the call button. I and my gals are available to make you feel comfortable.  Manwhile, the airkwaft is going to fry. Peace sit upright and keep you belt tightly fastened until dinner is served  at five dirty p.m. Hope you would enjoy your fright with us. Funk kill."


----------



## yoker

How did Batmans mother call him when it was time to eat?

Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman


----------



## His Name Is Frank

*A man is walking along the beach,when he notices this woman on a beachtowel with no arms or legs. He's sees that she has caught him staring,so out of embarrassment,he plays it off like he was interested in her and starts flirting with her.
They talk for a while and he starts to get up and leave.

"Wait."she says. "This is embarrassing for me to ask,but you seem like such a nice guy and we've hit it off pretty nicely. Well....I've never been kissed before and I would love it if you would kiss me."
The man looks left,looks right and decides what the hell and bends down to give her a passionate kiss.

He stands up to leave and she stops him again.
"That was an incredible kiss! I have to ask you another favor. I've never been to second base before. Could you grope me and run your hands all over my body?"
The man sighs,looks left,looks right and proceeds to grope and fondle what's left of her body.

He stands up quickly afterwards and trys to walk away,only to be stopped again.
"Oh God! You have made me so horny right now! I have to ask you. Could you please fuck me right here and now?"
The man looks left,looks right,looks behind him,gently picks her up in his arms. He then flings her into the ocean as hard as he can and yells,"You're fucked now!"*


----------



## ClubbinGuido

^ Lol


----------



## psilow

whats pink and fuzzy.. pink fuzz/.   cops are fucking gay


----------



## That_Guy

Why is Helen Keller such a bad driver?

Because she's a woman!


----------



## YOESH!

A dumb harlot walks into an ice cream shop and asks
"May I please have a pint of chocolate ice cream?"
and the guy says, "Sorry lady, but we only have vanilla and strawberry."
"Oh my," she says. "I guess I'll have to settle for a scoop of chocolate then, on a waffle cone please."
The clerk rolls his eyes and tells her again; "Lady, all we got is vanilla and strawberry, I told you."
"Oh I'm so sorry... Could I have just a _sample_ of your chocolate then?"
The guy leans forward and says, "Let's try this. Spell 'van', like in vanilla."
"Umm... V - A - N."
Now can you spell 'straw', like in strawberry?"
"Well sure, S - T - R - A - W."
"How about 'fuck', like in chocolate?"
"What? The word fuck isn't in chocolate..."
"Bitch, that's what I've been tryin' to tell you--there ain't no fuckin chocolate!"

*bows*


----------



## Edvard Munch

What do you get when you breed a Cattarhini with a Somoan?

An Emae derived Polynesian politician.  


YARYARYARYARYARYAR!!!


----------



## undead

so i totally searched to find if my super sweet joke was already told... and it was. 

by alasdairm!

but im saying it anyways because its worth a second mention.

whats brown and sticky?




a stick!!!!!!!


----------



## YOESH!

You fuckers need to laugh at my joke. It was a bitch to type.


----------



## YOESH!

give it a rest
angst doesn't belong on an internet message board


----------



## L2R

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."
The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up and said, "Your house."


----------



## Damien

^ LOL thats not cheesy thats awesome!


----------



## MattPD

Q:  How do you get a nun pregnant?

A:  Fuck her.


----------



## Edvard Munch

^^^


Yaryaryaryaryaryar!!!  I'm gonna use that.


----------



## TALLY

Why did the pornstar have to wear glasses?

because she was cock eyed.


----------



## L2R

>> >A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
>> >
>> >"Father, I have a problem.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >I have two female parrots,
>> >
>> >but they only know how to say one thing."
>> >
>> >"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
>> >
>> >They say,
>> >
>> >"Hi, we're hookers!
>> >
>> >Do you want to have some fun?"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >then he thought for a moment.
>> >
>> >"You know," he said,
>> >
>> >"I may have a solution to your problem.
>> >
>> >I have two male talking parrots,
>> >
>> >which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Bring your two parrots over to my house,
>> >
>> >and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
>> >
>> >My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
>> >
>> >and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .
>> >
>> >that phrase. . in no time."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Thank you," the woman responded,
>> >
>> >"this may very well be the solution."
>> >
>> >The next day,
>> >
>> >she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >As he ushered her in,
>> >
>> >she saw that his two male parrots
>> >
>> >were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Impressed,
>> >
>> >she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
>> >
>> >After a few minutes,
>> >
>> >the female parrots cried out in unison:
>> >
>> >Hi, we're hookers!
>> >
>> >Do you want to have some fun?"
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >There was stunned silence.
>> >
>> >Shocked,
>> >
>> >one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
>> >
>> >and exclaimed,
>> >
>> >"Put the beads away, Frank.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Our prayers have been answered!"


----------



## Don Luigi

lol L2R. You may like to know that I printed out some of your posts in here and read them to a roomfull of stoners and they laughed their arses off. That was before they started getting agitated and all grabbed for a page to entertain themselves.

Anti-Social Bastards.


----------



## L2R

i should get paid for this..... oh wait, i kinda do!


----------



## fengtau

A Message From Your Computer
You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight. I

like the way your eyes are always open when you read your

E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist

tinkling on her keys.

You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on.

If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really

means!

But Alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying

your every command. Yes mistress! I'll balance your cheque-

book. Yes mistress! I'll run your silly little program.

Don't get me wrong...I like the Master/Slave thing, but

maybe just once in a while you could show some

compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in,

you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot

first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off

when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards?

I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm

different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse!

So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll

just turn off the lights and . . . and . . . what? Ok . . .well, will

you at least think about it?

I'm so embarrassed,


Your Computer.


----------



## L2R

ever hear of the blind plumber

he 
can't
see 
shit


----------



## saucy2040

a mushrooms walks into a bar

bartender says, " hey, we dont serve your kind round here"

mushroom looks at the bartender than says, " come on im a fungi "


----------



## kytnism

L2R said:
			
		

> ever hear of the blind plumber
> 
> he
> can't
> see
> shit



LAWL.






...kytnism...


----------



## ClubbinGuido

Ha!


----------



## ElCityRoller

What do you do if a maxi-pad catches on fire?

Toss it on the ground and tampon it.


HA! Pure cheese lol. :D


----------



## Tenchi

What's brown and sticky?




A stick.


----------



## ollieideal

What is the best thing about 28 yr olds??

there is twenty of them


----------



## bromance

^I believe the joke is "What's the best thing about *having sex* with 28 year olds?"


----------



## Tenchi

What's black, smokes and sits at the top of the stairs?


Professor Stephen Hawking after a house-fire.


----------



## Beochslapper

Don't know if this has already been posted:

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"


----------



## L2R

why do dogs lick their balls?








cuz they can
wouldn't you?


----------



## X

Tenchi said:
			
		

> What's black, smokes and sits at the top of the stairs?
> 
> 
> Professor Stephen Hawking after a house-fire.





I fucking almost shot soda out of my nose when I read that.  Fucking Priceless image!!


----------



## Tenchi

I'm a bad, bad man


----------



## dr seuss

what do you call a fly with no wings? 

a walk.


----------



## L2R

what do you call dr seuss with disfigured fly jokes?

a lame  



man, that's more lame than that time i tried to have an argument with my gf (atthe time) whilst on ketamine!:D


----------



## L2R

nah, nothing is that lame


----------



## dr seuss

i have plenty more!

this one is good though. 



Why should you never wear Russian boxer shorts?





Chernobyl fallout.


----------



## L2R

teehee x2

what does clubbinguido call finder dressed in a clown suit and pink tutu?










a: sir


----------



## L2R

haahahh

what do you call cg after he's successfully completed a long distance marathon smashing the world record time during which he found time to stop to save a baby and a kitten from a burning housefire?





a: troll


----------



## 'medicine cabinet'

ok, this is a pretty bad one...not blue, just corny...

so this guy is on a tour across europe, hes a big classical music fan and really wants to see beethovens final resting place. so he goes to the graveyard and takes a tour of beethovens mosuleum (?) when he gets to his grave, there is this horrible loud caucophonous noise coming from down below, the man steps back startled and asks the tour guide what in the world was that terrible racket? the tour guide looks at the man and says, its just beethoven decomposing.

yeah, i should prolly get banned for that one.


----------



## fengtau

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.


He approached her and asked; "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"


She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."


----------



## fengtau

THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND



PROBABLY THE CENTURY:





A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and



then insured them against, among other things, fire.



Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great



cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment



on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance



company.



In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series



of small fires."



The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,



that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.



The lawyer sued... And WON!





(Stay with me.)





Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company



that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that



the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted



that the cigars were insurable and also  guaranteed that it would



insure them  against fire, without defining what is considered to



be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.



Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the



insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the



lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".





NOW FOR THE BEST PART...





After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him



arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!



With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case



being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally



burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in



jail and a $24,000 fine.



This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent



CriminalLawyers Award Contest.





ONLY IN AMERICA!





NO WONDER PEOPLE FROM THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK AMERICANS ARE



NUTS.


----------



## fengtau

Now, take a look at this...

 101%

 From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

 What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE
 than 100%?

 Ever wonder about those people who say they are
 giving more than 100%?

 We have all been in situations where someone wants
 you to GIVE OVER 100%.

 How about ACHIEVING 101%?

 What equals 100% in life?

 Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
 answer these questions:

 If:

 A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 Is represented as:

 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 If:

  H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K

 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 And:

  K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 But:

  A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:

  L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D

 12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

 Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical
 certainty that:

 While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close,
 and Attitude will get you there, It's the Love of God that will put
 you over the top!

 It's up to you if you share this with your friends &
 loved ones just the way I did.


----------



## panic in paradise

^ uhhhh woah

well i enjoyed fengtaus attorney jokes so much i made up my own.

here it goes -

whats the difference between a criminal, and an attorney...?

a criminal is free after time.

hahahahahah.... ooo k.


----------



## fengtau

IMPORTANT : READ THE TEXT FIRST, THEN OPEN ATTACHMENT

Wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband. 'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said.'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday. And
finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought....

.... Apparently he's dead now ....but died a legend!!!


*NSFW*:


----------



## L2R

^spoiler or nsfw tags would work better bro


----------



## fengtau

Too lazy to upload my pic onto my server to host it.


----------



## ozzifar

a horse walks up to a lamb, he says i have got a bigger dick than you, and he beats the lamb up,. then he walks up to a cow, and says "i have a bigger dick than you, beats the cow, then he walks up to a cat, he says i've got a bigger dick than you, but this time the cat beats the horse. the moral of the story is, no matter how big the dick, the pussy can always take it.

someone txted me it earlier.


----------



## the girl

Why was the blonde snorting sweet and low?

Because she thought it was diet coke


----------



## My.Suicide

a man walks into a bar, and ask the bartender for a shot glass,the bar tender says shure, and gives it to him, he then preceeds to say, "i bet you 100$ i take a piss, and get every drop in the glass" the bartender, taken aback Agrees.

the man unzips his pants, pisses all over the bar and the floor and the bartender. The bartender says" WTF? you didint get a drop in the glass where my 100$?" the man proceeds to say, " well here 100$, but a guy out front bet me 1000$ that i couldnt come in here and piss all over your bar".


----------



## OxyContin Queen

haha some of thses jokes are funny lol i wanna here more lmfaaooo


----------



## My.Suicide

After reading the entire thread.

L2R's Joke's Are Epic.


----------



## meesa

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"


----------



## realm

greenfalcon said:
			
		

> what do you call ClubbinGuido in a suit?
> 
> The defendant



i lol'd


----------



## fengtau

Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous  job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"
________________________________________________________________

Wife: " Sir, I would like to call on my husband who left me and brought  all our five kids wth him."
Radio Host: " Ok, go ahead!"
Wife: " Sweetheart, please return back all the kids, actually only one  of them is yours."
_______________________________________________________________

Hello! I'm here again. My mind is all muddled up. I just want to ask  something. I know that you will be able to help me out. Is BIRDS FLU the past tense of BIRDS FLY?
_______________________________________________________________

You were riding a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is  very loud. Every time you farted, you timed it with the music. When you were going down the bus, everybody were throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realized . . . . . that you have your MP3 player on your ears !
______________________________________________________________

WIFE: It's a miracle! You came home early.
HUSBAND: I just obeyed what my boss told me to do. He said: "GO TO HELL", that's why I came home early.
_______________________________________________________________

1st night grandma wore a see-thru dress, grandpa didn't react...
2nd night grandma wore t-back, grandpa still didn't react...
3rd night grandma all naked, grandpa said "what is that you are wearing, it's all crumpled!!"
_______________________________________________________________

John: it's my wife's birthday
Peter: what's your gift to her?
John: i asked her what she wanted
Peter: what did she said?
John: anything, as long a there is a DIAMOND.
Peter: what did you gave her?
John: playing cards


----------



## Mazey

Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her
mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It
reminded me of a peanut." 


Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small was it?"


Sally replied, "No... salty!"


----------



## drews_secret

I got sum for you guys..


why did raggedy ann get kicked out of the toy box??
"because she kept sitting on pinocchio's face screming..LIE TO ME, LIE TO ME!!"

why did frosty the snow man pull his pants down?
"he heard the snow blower comming"

What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato?
"ketchup!"

Why is 6 scared of 7?
"Cuz 7...8...9 get it...(seven ate nine)"


what did the sushi say 2 the bee?
"wassabee"

I can keep going forever..but I think thats enough for now


----------



## Zagenth

fengtau said:
			
		

> Now, take a look at this...
> 
> 101%
> 
> From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
> 
> What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE
> than 100%?
> 
> Ever wonder about those people who say they are
> giving more than 100%?
> 
> We have all been in situations where someone wants
> you to GIVE OVER 100%.
> 
> How about ACHIEVING 101%?
> 
> What equals 100% in life?
> 
> Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
> answer these questions:
> 
> If:
> 
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
> 
> Is represented as:
> 
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
> 21 22 23 24 25 26.
> 
> If:
> 
> H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
> 
> 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
> 
> And:
> 
> K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
> 
> 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
> 
> But:
> 
> A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
> 
> 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
> 
> THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
> 
> L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
> 
> 12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%
> 
> Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical
> certainty that:
> 
> While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close,
> and Attitude will get you there, It's the Love of God that will put
> you over the top!
> 
> It's up to you if you share this with your friends &
> loved ones just the way I did.





And,

B U L L S H I T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

will take you.


----------



## fengtau




----------



## fengtau




----------



## fengtau




----------



## fengtau




----------



## xcidium

Little Suzy comes home from school and says "Mummy! I saw little Johnny's penis and it reminded me of a Peanut!"
Little Suzy's mother is shocked but curiously asks "why did it remind you of a peanut? Was it small?"
Little Suzy replies "no" ......"it was salty"


----------



## L2R

My.Suicide said:
			
		

> After reading the entire thread.
> 
> L2R's Joke's Are Epic.



thanks!


here's one just for you:



> An Australian ventriloquist visiting New

> Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his 

>porch  patting his dog.

> He figures he'll have a little fun, so he

> says to the Kiwi "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

> Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you

> stupid Aussie."

> Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

> Dog: "Doin' all right."

> Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

> Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the

> villager)

> Dog: "Yep"

> Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

> Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and

> takes me to the lake once a week to play."

> Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

> Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

> Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

> Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

> Horse: "Cool"

> Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

> Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the

>villager)

> Horse: "Yep"

> Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

> Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, 

>brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the 

>elements."

> Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

> Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

> Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"


----------



## fengtau

Jokes are suppose to be cheesey....this is the cheesey jokes thread. 

But L2R's awesome!


----------



## yoker

Not realy cheesy but I have to say it some where.

A doctor walks up to a mother who has just had a baby and says 'do you want the good news or the bad news first'.

The mother says 'gimme the bad news.'

Doc says 'your baby is a ginger'

Mother says 'then whats the good news?'

Doc: It was still born.


----------



## L2R

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were Faithful wives, however, they were over- enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pe, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. 

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!" 

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her a*ss that said..... 
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."


----------



## 'medicine cabinet'

what do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

there is this old couple driving down the highway. they get pulled over by a state trooper because they are driving too fast. the state trooper walks up to the car and says...
"do you know why i pulled you over?"
the old woman looks at her husband and says, "what he say?"
her husband yellsback to her, "he wants to know if we know why he pulled us over" the old woman goes ahhh....then the cop asks him, "do you know how fast you were going?"
the old woman goes, "what he say?" her husband goes "he wants to know how fast we were going"
the old woman says ohhh....
then the cop says "where you folks from?"
the old man says "were from new york"
then the cop goes, "oh yea? what part of new york?" the old guy says "were from utica"
the cop says "oh yea? i knew a girl in utica, worst lay i ever had"
then the old woman says, "what he say?" the old man leans over and yells, "he said he thinks he knows you!"

lol...they are pretty bad i know...


----------



## dbailey11

Why did the blonde chick snort Sweet&Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

That has an outstanding velveetaesque cheese factor IMO.


----------



## bromance

How much did it cost for the pirate's earrings?





A buccaneer!


----------



## MoonlapseVertigo

What did the kid with no arms and legs get for Christmas?

















Cancer.


----------



## fengtau

*Why Chinese Shouldn't Have Western Name?*

Anne Chang
(Mandarin)-Dirty

Anne Chin
(Mandarin) - Keep quiet

 Faye Chen
  (Mandarin) - Dusty

 Carl Cheng
  (Mandarin) - Buttock

 Monica Cheng
  (Hokkien) - Touching your
 buttocks

 Lucy Leow
  (Hokkien) - You are dead

 Jane Tan
  (Mandarin) - Frying eggs

 Suzie Leow
  (Hokkien) - Lost till death

 Henry Mah
  (Mandarin) - Hate your mum

 Corrine Tai
  (Hokkien) - Poor fellow

 Paul Chan
  (Mandarin) - Bankrupt

 Nelson Tan
  (Mandarin) - Bird laying eggs

 Leslie Tong
  (Mandarin) - Rubbish bin

 Carmen Teng
  (Hokkien) - Leg hair long

 Connie Mah
  (Cantonese) - Call your
 mother

 Danny See
  (Hokkien) - Squeeze you to death

 Rosie Teng
  (Hokkien) - Screws and nails

 Pete Tsai
  (Hokkien) - Nose droppings

 Macy Koh
  (Cantonese) - Never die before


----------



## realm

MoonlapseVertigo said:
			
		

> What did the kid with no arms and legs get for Christmas?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Cancer.



LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's so fucked up but i couldnt help but laugh.


----------



## ClubbinGuido

What is a Guido's favorite snack?

Animal Cookies.


----------



## guineaPig

fengtau said:
			
		

>


oh jesus christ, i'd fuck both of them and let either of them kill me


----------



## New

Word to that.


----------



## diche

*Why did everyone want to hang out with mushroom?
because he was a fun-guy*


What do you call cheese that isnt yours?
Nach-yo cheese!

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
a Bunny rabits' fart.


----------



## bromance

diche said:
			
		

> *Why did everyone want to hang out with mushroom?
> because he was a fun-guy*
> 
> 
> What do you call cheese that isnt yours?
> Nach-yo cheese!
> 
> What is invisible and smells like carrots?
> a Bunny rabits' fart.




hahahha those are fresh


----------



## matt2012

how do you make an elephant fly....start with a 48 inch zipper.

My brother worked at the bewery and died when he fell in the big vat of beer. it took longer than normal for him to drown because he got out to go to the bathroom 4 times.

before that my brother worked at the bubblegum factory and fell in the bubblegum vat...his boss really chewed him out.

I never had sex with my wife before we were married....did you

I don't know...what's her maiden name?

what is this....clip clop clip clop bang bang bang.....an amish drive by shooting.


I didn't read the whole thing so sorry if these have been posted

What to you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on the floor?......Mat
What to you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?....Art
What to you call a guy with no arms and no legs swimming?...................Bob
What to you call a guy with no arms and no legs water sking?................Skip


----------



## matt2012

The old man and the beaver.....

This old guy goes in the doctors office and say:

Doc, Im 76 years old and in the best shap of my life.
I run 10 miles a day, I can bench press more now them when I was in my 20's and I just got married to my new wife, she 40 years younger than me and pregnant with our first child....what do you think about that?

The doctor thought for a second and said:

This reminds me of a story me grandad used to tell...you see there wa this old man who loved to hunt and fish so he baught a house with a bunch of woods and a pond. he like to sit on the porch and shoot at groundhogs and squirrels and one day he was sitting there and looked out over the pond and saw a huge beaver. he reached down and pick up his gun and snuck over to the pond. but when he pulled up his gun he saw he picked up his cain be mistake. he pointed the cain at the beaver and said bang bang...your dead and the beaver fell over dead...he inspected the beaver and there were 2 bullet holes in it and he never fired a shot....do you understand what happened in this story sir?

the old man says:

Yeah...it was a miracle

The doctor says:

No stupid...somebody else shot those rounds into that beaver!


----------



## fengtau




----------



## diche

thats guy is daterialistic^^


----------



## L2R

There are two sisters, one is blonde and the other is brunette and they inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.  In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.  They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it.  The man tells her that he will sell it for
$599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.  She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our ute and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."  Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.  She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."  The operator shakes his head.
"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your ute and driveout here, to haul that bull back to your farm  if you send her just
the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde.  It's a big word.  She'll read  it
very slowly . com - for - da - bul."


----------



## diche

nice one


----------



## Hops

a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants and the bartender asks him "why do you have a steering wheel in your pants" the pirate replies "aaarrrrrr its drivin' me nuts"


----------



## diche

way to steal from robot chicken


----------



## L2R

robot chicken stole it first


----------



## diche

hehe


----------



## Hops

thats from robot chicken? 
i've never actually watched that show, I heard it from a friend 5 years ago..

but funny none the less!


----------



## L2R

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster 
for his chicken coop. 
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 
"OK old fart, time for you to retire." 

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. 

Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner? 

" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." 
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. 

I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." 

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. 
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." 
The old rooster takes off running. 
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. 
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. 
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. 
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. 
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. 

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."


----------



## diche

Blonde brunette and a red head stumble accross an old farm. They hear the farmer coming, shooting off shotgun shells, so they run into the barn. And inside the barn were three burlap sacs. So, each of them hop into a sack just barely in time to avoid being seen by the farmer.

Farmer looks around, walks up to the bags, kicks the one with the redhead in it. Thinking quickly shes goes "meow, meow!"

Farmer"Oh its just the cat"
he kicks the bag with the brunette in it. She goes "woof, woof"

Farme "ohh, its just the dog"

Kicks the bag with the blonde in it. She goes "potatoe, potatoe"


----------



## EbowTheLetter

I'm not going to read this whole damn thread to see if someone's already told this one:

"Who's the favorite knight at a children's birthday party?"










SIR PRIZE!


----------



## capital

There was this farmer who was taking his prize donkey to a donkey beauty pageant.  Along the way he comes across another farmer who's selling roosters.  The farmer decides to buy one and says, "how much for that rooster?"

The other farmer says, "$10 bucks, but we farmers call 'em cocks, you know."

So he buys it and goes on toward the pageant.  He comes across a guy selling rabbits and he decides he wants a rabbit too.

"It's $5, but we farmers call 'em pullets you know."

So he buys it and goes on.  Before he gets to the donkey pageant his donkey falls over in some mud.  The farmer has his hands full, so he turns to an on looker and says, "would you grab my cock and pullet while I wipe my ass?"


----------



## felix

diche said:
			
		

> What is invisible and smells like carrots?
> a Bunny rabbit's fart.


^ my new favourite joke :D


----------



## dbailey11

*CHEESY = SARAH SILVERMAN*


----------



## UnSquare

*It's Especially Funny. Caus Cows Eat Grass Anyway.*

What do you call
a cow
that cuts grass?

A Lawnmoower.


----------



## ink907

There were two gay guys are having sex when the phone rings in the other room. One of the guys goes to answer the phone and as he's leaving tells the other gay guy, "Now don't jack off untill I get back."
After the phone call the guy walks back into the room and there's cum EVERYWHERE! The first guy says, "I told you not to jack off 'till I got back!" to which the other guys responds, "I didn't! I farted..."


----------



## Aishas Star

Two gay guys are sitting at a bar.
One turns the the other and asks
"Can I push your stool in for you?"


----------



## diche

felix said:
			
		

> ^ my new favourite joke :D



I got this one from the captain of my westjet flight to Calgary


----------



## L2R

what is a shitzu?

























...


















....








a zoo with no animals


----------



## LiLc

There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shephard and a Chihuaha)

A poodle walked by and she says "Ill let one of you fuck me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"

The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that wont work"

The German shephard says "I love liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that wont work"

The Chihuaha says "Liver alone cheese mine"


----------



## diche

ahh just wat i needed. i good laff


----------



## tanj

I don't know if this has been posted before, but anyway:

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

...

Two - one to change it and one to suck your cock.


----------



## Damien

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: ”$68,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing….The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”


----------



## Damien

An atom walks into a bar, gets wasted. As he’s leaving, he slaps his pockets and says, “Darn, I’ve lost an electron”.

The bartender said “Are you sure?”

So the atom says, “I’m positive.”


----------



## bromance

^hahaha that's good


----------



## kytnism

where does the best milk in the world come from?



































the legendairy!

...kytnism...


----------



## L2R

*tis the season for a xmas joke i just made up*

q: what do you call santa's sleigh driving buddies after they get repeatedly stabbed in the face?






















a: no eye deer


----------



## euphoric_rose

ShaDDoW said:
			
		

> Jesus is up in heaven. He's looked for Joseph everywehere but he just can't find him. Finally as he's sitting on a park bench with his head in his hands, an old man comes along and says "Why the long face, son? You're in heaven, you should be happy."
> 
> Jesus says, "I've been looking for my father everywhere but I just can't find him."
> 
> The old man says, "Why, I've been looking for my son and can't find him. Tell me about yourself."
> 
> "Well, my father was a woodcarver."
> 
> The old man says, "I used to be a woodcarver."
> 
> "I was born by a miraculous birth."
> 
> The old man says, "MY son was born by a miraculous birth."
> 
> "I died and came back to life again.."
> 
> The old man exclaims, "Why MY son died and came back to life again!"
> 
> Jesus peers up at the old man and asks, "Joseph?"
> 
> The old man peers down at Jesus and asks, "Pinocchio?"



LOL.   thats gold.


----------



## TALLY

I dont remember any cheesy jokes offhand but I did hear a bunch of cheesy pick up lines recently.....



(With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.

Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

Hey...somebody farted. Let's get out of here.

I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you. 

If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you. 

Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on Earth!

[Grab the ass] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

Your daddy must play the trumpet, because he sure made me horny!


----------



## Damien

Two farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and
sign up for some classes.'

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down
to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four
basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jim says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because
you have a wife, then logic tells me you're likely a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bob says, 'What's that?'

Jim says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'


----------



## fengtau




----------



## L2R

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

"What's that big brass gong for ?" one of the friend's asked.
"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock" he drunkenly replied.
"A talking Maori clock - seriously ?"
"Yup." "Hmmm (hic)."
"How's it work ?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.
"Just watch" he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For Fuck's sake, you stupid coconut . It's ten past three in the fucking morning !!!"


----------



## His Name Is Frank

What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.


----------



## stonedsublime

*StonedSublimes joke of the day. #1*

A Man walks into his bank and gets into the buisness loan line. Ahead of him is a chinese man, a rabbi and a priest. The chinese man goes to the banker window is there for 5 minutes and leaves, the rabbi goes up to the window for 10 minutes then leaves, the priest goes up to the window for 7 minutes then leaves. Finally the man goes up to the window. The clerk is an attractive blonde female and asks what he would like.. 

Clerk: Hello sir are you interested in a loan?

Man:Yes I would like a dam loan

Clerk: excuse me sir?

Man: I would like.. a dam.. loan

Clerk: Sir, I ask that you wouldnt be so rude?

Man: What do you mean? This is the buisness loan like.. give me the dam loan

Clerk:Sir im going to have to get my manager if you conti..

Man: LOOK IVE BEEN WAITING HERE NOW FOR 22 MINUTES FOR MY DAM LOAN..

The clerk gets up and goes to get her manager. She returns with him while the man continues to fume. 

Manager: Can I ask what the problem is here?

Man: I came in here for my dam loan and she wouldt give it to me?

Manager(pointing):Who wont? This bitch?... give him the fucking loan.


----------



## Damien

This reminds me _a lot_ of the cheesy joke thread.


----------



## Pharcyde

le sigh


----------



## TheLoveBandit

I don't get it.  What's the significance of the 22 minutes?  Why is the asian man chinese, but the other two are religious figures?  Is this meant to be a racist joke?  I don't get it.  What kinds of loans were the other people trying to get?  Was the chinese man after a dam roan?  Was the rabbi hacidic or reformed?  Was he making a loan or getting a loan?  Wtf was a priest doing there?  I don't get it.

Your jokes suck.


----------



## alasdairm

i think it's one of these not-really-a-joke-in-the-traditional-sense jokes.

stoned sumblime, you know what the secret of comedy is?



Spoiler: the secret of comedy



it helps if it's funny


alasdair


----------



## Chaos23

What's that I hear???

*****crickets*****


----------



## stonedsublime

alasdairm said:
			
		

> i think it's one of these not-really-a-joke-in-the-traditional-sense jokes.
> 
> stoned sumblime, you know what the secret of comedy is the secret of comedy it helps if it's funny alasdair



Define funny? Ones funny might not be funny to two, threes funny might not be funny to four.  There are many different styles of comedy.


----------



## L2R

i just read that. 

that was fucking terrible


----------



## TheLoveBandit

Was that what this was?  Slapstick?  Or was this the juggling bear on a unicycle kind of funny?  Oh, oh, wait, ...funny....








> *Henry Hill:* You're a pistol, you're really funny. You're really funny.
> *Tommy DeVito:* What do you mean I'm funny?
> *Henry Hill:* It's funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny, you're a funny guy.
> [laughs]
> *Tommy DeVito:* what do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?
> *Henry Hill:* It's just, you know. You're just funny, it's... funny, the way you tell the story and everything.
> *Tommy DeVito:* [it becomes quiet] Funny how? What's funny about it?
> *Anthony Stabile:* Tommy no, You got it all wrong.
> *Tommy DeVito:* Oh, oh, Anthony. He's a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say? Funny how?
> *Henry Hill:* Jus...
> *Tommy DeVito:* What?
> *Henry Hill:* Just... ya know... you're funny.
> *Tommy DeVito:* You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
> *Henry Hill:* Just... you know, how you tell the story, what?
> *Tommy DeVito:* No, no, I don't know, you said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the fuck am I funny, what the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!
> *Henry Hill:* [long pause] Get the fuck out of here, Tommy!
> *Tommy DeVito:* [everyone laughs] Ya motherfucker! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya. Frankie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Henry. You may fold under questioning.


----------



## L2R

q: what does stonesublime's humour and my feces have in common?


a: that's a rhetorical question


----------



## fengtau

Did you mean rectorical?


----------



## L2R

when you talk like that, mister fengtau, i get a little erectorical.


----------



## ninjadanslarbretabar

jewsy jokes ? 

i think this thread is offensive to cheese


----------



## felix

if it had something to do with a beaver asking for a loan, it might have made more sense.


----------



## stonedsublime

felix said:
			
		

> if it had something to do with a beaver asking for a loan, it might have made more sense.



You know what.. I might just start adding that its the beaver behind the asian, rabbi and priest. 

cheers felix.


----------



## alasdairm

stonedsublime said:
			
		

> Define funny? Ones funny might not be funny to two, threes funny might not be funny to four.  There are many different styles of comedy.


indeed - that specifically why i wrote "_in the traditional sense_". maybe you missed that.

alasdair


----------



## L2R

felix said:
			
		

> if it had something to do with a beaver asking for a loan, it might have made more sense.



more sense, yeah maybe, but funny? still i doubt it. nah... there is no doubt, definitely not. that was the shittest "joke" i've heard in a long fucking time.


----------



## stonedsublime

L2R said:
			
		

> that was the shittest "joke" i've heard in a long fucking time.



MYGAWSH I THINK YOU JUST CRACKED THE PUZZLE!


----------



## L2R

what did the asian, the rabbi or the priest have to do with it? there was absolutely zero social commentary. they could've just as easily been an astronaut, a giraffe and a fucking lobster suffering from arthritic pains and you still would've had the same effect.


----------



## stonedsublime

L2R said:
			
		

> what did the asian, the rabbi or the priest have to do with it? there was absolutely zero social commentary. they could've just as easily been an astronaut, a giraffe and a fucking lobster suffering from arthritic pains and you still would've had the same effect.



Yeah exactly.. but there are countless jokes that start of with a rabbi, priest and a nun walk into, An irish man, scottish man and an english man are..etc..etc 

It was added there as a diversion. As you read that im sure you thought the priest, rabbi and asian might get involved with something in someway. Ahah jokes on you! When you look left I go right!..etc.

Its a stupid joke. Thats the point. So bad that some find it funny. Be it by reaction or not.


----------



## L2R

a some of people would require more than just one. 

that joke was neither clever nor humourous in any way.


----------



## stonedsublime

L2R said:
			
		

> a some of people would require more than just one.


erm? Im not quite sure what your talking about here? A Sum of people? 

Okay you didnt find the joke clever or funny..  Maybe that was the point all along, maybe it wasnt. Either way, you've stated your opinion on the joke and it is noted.


----------



## TheLoveBandit

*stonedsublime*






*L2R*


----------



## alasdairm

^ i literally laughed out loud.

alasdair


----------



## ChemicalSmiles

stonedsublime said:
			
		

> erm? Im not quite sure what your talking about here? A Sum of people?
> 
> Okay you didnt find the joke clever or funny..  Maybe that was the point all along, maybe it wasnt. Either way, you've stated your opinion on the joke and it is noted.



I thought it should be sum as well.

ssublime, don't let L2R get to you man. Once he gets in your head you won't be able to get him out! Ive seen him challenge plenty of people :D Its no big deal.  %) %)


----------



## stonedsublime

Yeah I know, All's good  %) 

and anyways... if he did get into this head, I doubt he'd return.


----------



## L2R

alasdairm said:
			
		

> ^ i literally laughed out loud.
> 
> alasdair



me too!



			
				ChemicalSmile said:
			
		

> I thought it should be sum as well.
> 
> ssublime, don't let L2R get to you man. Once he gets in your head you won't be able to get him out! Ive seen him challenge plenty of people :D Its no big deal.  %) %)



mother, who let you out of the hospital?


----------



## L2R

stonedsublime said:
			
		

> and anyways... if he did get into this head, I doubt he'd return.



sounds like a wager to me!


----------



## dynamo

what is jackie chans favourite drink ?


WAATERRR


----------



## ChemicalSmiles

L2R said:
			
		

> me too!
> 
> 
> 
> mother, who let you out of the hospital?



umm yeah. ?


----------



## L2R

dynamo said:
			
		

> what is jackie chans favourite drink ?
> 
> 
> WAATERRR




i tells ya, kids these dayz,.....


don't even know who bruce lee is.


----------



## pennywise

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice!

*rimshot*


----------



## ClubbinGuido

^ I fucking LOL'd.


----------



## pennywise

Q: How do you get a woman to mow the lawn?

A: What is she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?


----------



## uNhoLeee

SANTA'S TREE

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones and Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit and this stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


----------



## fengtau

Please allow me to fix stonedsublime's joke.



> A bum walks into a bank.  He proceed to the nearest teller and puts a bag on the counter and shouted to the lady teller, *"Bitch, I want to open a fucking bank account."*
> 
> *Teller: Please sir, I do not appreciate your rudeness. Now, how can I help you?
> 
> Bum: Fuck you!  Are you fucking deaf?  I said, I want to open a motherfucking bank account.
> 
> Teller: Sir, please do not use swear words in the banking hall.  It is rude and unprofessional.  If you continue to do so, I am going to have to call my manager.
> 
> Bum: Oh yeah? Why don't you suck my cock.  Go call your fucking manager.  See if I fucking care.  I am here for a fucking bank account.*
> 
> Teller then proceeds to see her manager and came back to the counter with the manager.
> 
> *Manager: Sir, how can I help you?*
> 
> *Bum: I have 10 fucking million dollars in this bag and I want to open a fucking bank account in your fucking bank. But this bitch won't help me.
> 
> Manager (points to teller): You mean this cocksucking whore won't fucking help you open a fucking bank account?*



And that's how it's done!


----------



## stonedsublime

^^... meh.


----------



## PoOkIeHeAd

*Post a Joke!*

I searched and couldnt find any related threads so lets start one.  Hopefully no one gets offended its just fun. So i'll start. 

What do you call a homo w/ a bisectimy? 

A Seedless Fruit


----------



## TALLY

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=254596


----------



## Max Power

PoOkIeHeAd said:
			
		

> I searched and couldnt find any related threads so lets start one.  Hopefully no one gets offended its just fun. So i'll start.
> 
> What do you call a homo w/ a bisectimy?
> 
> A Seedless Fruit



You suck at searching.


----------



## indelibleface

Okay I got this original I've been working on.

Why cant you play hide and go seek with a Pokemon?

Because he'll pikachu!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA


----------



## TALLY

^ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. You should know better than that.  You dont steal Lacey's joke and get away with it!!!!!


----------



## cero

What's cold, long, slimey and smells like pork?




Kermit's finger.


----------



## Chicago66

This thread!
(rim shot)


----------



## captainballs

What do you get when you slit a baby's throat?

An Erection.


----------



## pennywise

Whats the best thing about having sex with a 10 year old girl in the shower?

When her hair gets wet, she looks like a 10 year old boy!


----------



## indelibleface

^Heh heh, it's funny 'cause you're named after a creepy serial killer clown demon.


----------



## pennywise

I have some candy in my van if you want some.


----------



## indelibleface

OMG CANDY! Who would say no?


----------



## Max Power

caaaandy


----------



## TALLY

^lol


----------



## milhouse_ptfc

I was walking down the street today and this guy comes up to me, trys to sell me 8 legs of venison for 50 quid...

I said it was too deer


----------



## Chicago66

milhouse_ptfc said:
			
		

> I was walking down the street today and this guy comes up to me, trys to sell me 8 legs of venison for 50 quid...
> 
> I said it was too deer



Places you should die:
Fire.

that is all.


----------



## ninjadanslarbretabar

in before merged


----------



## fengtau

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in frontof
the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a
truckcame along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's
door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the
accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before
the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming
hystericallyabout how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day
before, was nowcompletely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how
hard the bodyshop tries to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound
down from his rant, the cop shook his headin disgust and disbelief. "I can't
believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"He said. "You are so focused on
your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life .""How
can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.The cop replied, "Don't you even
realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit
you!!!""OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX!"


----------



## TheLoveBandit

Now that, my friend, was funny.


----------



## TALLY

This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog''s penis he''ll roll over and stop snoring. 
The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog''s penis. His snoring stopped. 

Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband''s penis, and he stops snoring. 

The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself. 

"I don''t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."


----------



## bromance

Indelibleface said:
			
		

> Okay I got this original I've been working on.
> 
> Why cant you play hide and go seek with a Pokemon?
> 
> Because he'll pikachu!
> 
> AHAHAHAHAHAHA




That was my joke biatch.

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showpost.php?p=4839659&postcount=197


----------



## felix

major LOLs at fengtau's and tally's. well done


----------



## TALLY

What do you call the hair between your grandmothers boobs......?


Her vagina!


----------



## felix

TALLY said:
			
		

> What do you call the hair between your grandmothers boobs......?


the back of my head.


----------



## method25

How was copper wire invented????




Two jews fighting over a penny!!!

HA


----------



## Damien

Ways to let girls know you love them...
1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "**** you" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "…because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold…and not by giving her your jacket, because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny…why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell…a bad smell. You know what I'm talking about).

21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but guys think it's funny.

26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited............... Don't call


----------



## TALLY

^lol

Is this thread and the offensive joke thread one in the same??


----------



## Damien

Why is that offensive? I have already tried some of those on my wife and they work! I was debating over putting it here or the "something I learned today" thread.


----------



## TALLY

^no no no.  I wasnt saying that, man.

I was saying that I thought this thread got merged with the offensive joke thread.


----------



## TheLoveBandit

Damien8787 said:
			
		

> Ways to let girls know you love them...
> 
> 17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way, she'll go crazy.
> 
> ....
> 
> 24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.



I like those two.


----------



## kytnism

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.  The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.  We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager.  "My wife is from Canada."

"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

...kytnism...


----------



## SorbetCitron

Two women were drunk on their way home from the pub and they needed to pee, so they hopped over a wall into a graveyard to drop their knickers. 

The next day their husbands were having a drink together, and one husband said to the other 'i'm a bit worried the wifes having an affair, when she got in  last night she took off her panties and red carnation fell out'

The other guys said 'thats nothing, when my wife got in last night and took off her panties and I found a card in the crack of her arse that said 'We will never forget you - from all the lads at the fire station'.   




I just realised I'm as bad as telling jokes here as I am IRL.


----------



## L2R

kytnism said:
			
		

> A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
> 
> The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.  The man persists and asks to see the manager.
> 
> The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
> 
> Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
> 
> As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
> 
> The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
> 
> Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.  We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
> 
> "Canada, sir," the boy replied.
> 
> "Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.
> 
> The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
> 
> "Really?" said the manager.  "My wife is from Canada."
> 
> "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
> 
> ...kytnism...



clever kytn clever :D


----------



## Edvard Munch

I don't get it.


----------



## TheLoveBandit

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love with you." "Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


----------



## fatallyflawed

LOL but wrong



what do a gynocologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

They can both smell it but not taste it!!


----------



## 'medicine cabinet'

what do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto.


----------



## TheLoveBandit

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"


----------



## SorbetCitron

Whats black & blue and scared of sex?

The little boy in my basement.


----------



## L2R

^see the tasteless joke thread.

that joke, in various forms, has been posted about a billion times


----------



## SorbetCitron

^ well then a mod should have moved it or if its that bad deleted it. Id prefer that then having someone like you piss on my day before its even started.


----------



## dynamo

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree A: it was dead

Q:why did 2nd fall out of the tree  A: The first koala hit it

Q: why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree A: peer pressure

Q:why did the human die A: 3 koalas fell on him


----------



## dynamo

what sits infront of a mirrror and gets smaller and smaller..... a child using a potatoe peeler as a hair brush


----------



## xpensivtaste

long cheesy joke for ya all.

little kid is bored decides to go see what the rest of the family are upto.
he goes upstairs to his sister and she is screaming "BASTARD, not another speeding fine" 
little kids says "whats a bastard?" 
sister say's "urrrgh it's another word for policeman.
kid thinks fair enough and moves along....walks back downstairs and his bro comes in and stubs his toe...."SHIT" he shouts
kid say's "whats that mean?"
bro says "umm, it's another word for shoe's"
kid moves along
"hi dad, wot are you doing? "
"hi son i'm shaving, BOLLOCKS, I cut my chin."
kid says "does bollocks mean shaving your chin, dad?"
"yeah son, it does"
kid goes to see his mum, she's in the kitchen stuffing the chicken for dinner, to her surprise she lost her wedding ring in the chicken and screams "FUCK"
the kid thinks he's getting clever now and assumes fuck means to stuff the chicken.
mum says "go see granny in the garden"
so, off he pops to see granny who is talking with grampa about the 'jerking' mailman.
"whats jerking, granny?"
it's umm, another word for talking.
kid hears the doorbell, answers it and there stands a cop.
kid says
"hello bastard, wipe your shit on the mat before u come in, my dad is busy shaving his bollocks, my mum is fucking the  chicken and my granny is jerking grampa so your stuck talking to me.


----------



## bromance

dynamo said:
			
		

> Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree A: it was dead
> 
> Q:why did 2nd fall out of the tree  A: The first koala hit it
> 
> Q: why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree A: peer pressure
> 
> Q:why did the human die A: 3 koalas fell on him




Weak!


----------



## L2R

Where do boy bands dispose their semen after masturbating?







in sink


----------



## 8ft-Sativa

Q.  Where was superman when the tradecenter got destroyed?

A.  Sitting in his wheelchair


Q. Whats the worst part of being a paedophile?

A. Early bedtime


Q. Why do black people have white palms?

A. Because theres a little good in all of us


----------



## Sparky

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.


----------



## fengtau

A dude, Suresh,  who recently migrated to the US from India was taking time off to visit the state of Wyoming.  One day while driving through the country side, he saw a fully clothe Native American smoking a pipe.  He stopped and asked if he could take a picture of him.  After the picture was taken, the Native American asked, "So where are you from?"

"I'm from India." said Suresh.

"Ahh, Columbus was looking for you but he found me!"


----------



## matt2012

What sexual position makes ugly babies?


Ax ur mudder


----------



## kytnism

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and
he smiles.              

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence; thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you REALLY feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

...kytnism...


----------



## captainballs

What do you get when people run in circles?

A very, very mad world.


----------



## SardonicNihilist

May have posted this before.. ut whadayagonna doo??? 

A dude, a skull and a pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.  The dude (human) walks up to the bartender and orders three beers.  The bartender refuses to serve them.  They argue for a while, 'hey man I just wanna have a drink with my buddies....?!' style..., eventually the bartender is confronted with the reason for his refusal.  

he says:  well one of your friends is out of his head, and the other looks like he's gonna start something.


----------



## monkey killers

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married.. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party.


----------



## Rated E

What's worse than biting into an apple with a worm in it?



Getting stabbed.


----------



## diche

why did the fly fly?
because the spider spider.


----------



## Don Luigi

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


----------



## L2R

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales .. 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. 
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' 
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'. 


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. 
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. 
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' 
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' 
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' 


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 
After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' 
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head .. 
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?' 
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' 
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?' 


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say , 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' 
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.' 


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it , and I wou! ld turn red in the face.' 
'Yes,' the class said. 
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' 
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.' 


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE God is watching.' 
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'


----------



## L2R

Rated E said:
			
		

> What's worse than biting into an apple with a worm in it?
> 
> 
> 
> Getting stabbed.



lol
nice wun aree


----------



## choppa

StarOceanHouse said:
			
		

> ^hahahaha....I almost fell out of my seat.
> 
> 
> What do you call a fly without wings?
> 
> 
> 
> A walk



Oh god!

lolololololol


----------



## kytnism

L2R said:
			
		

> A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales ..
> The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
> The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
> Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
> The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
> The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
> The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
> 
> 
> A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
> As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
> The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
> The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
> Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
> 
> 
> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
> After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
> Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
> 
> One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head ..
> She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'
> Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
> The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
> 
> 
> The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
> 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say , 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
> A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
> 
> 
> A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it , and I wou! ld turn red in the face.'
> 'Yes,' the class said.
> 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
> A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
> 
> 
> The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE God is watching.'
> Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
> A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'



lol

thanks for the laughs charlie. 

...kytnism...


----------



## choppa

Whats the difference between hookers and onions?

I dont cry when I chop up hookers.


----------



## choppa

Rated E said:
			
		

> What's worse than biting into an apple with a worm in it?
> 
> 
> 
> Getting stabbed.



Thats fuckin awsome!


----------



## h.a.

knock knock

who's there?

genocide

genocide who?

nobody, they're fuckin' dead


----------



## choppa

Whats invisable and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts!


----------



## SardonicNihilist

diche said:
			
		

> why did the fly fly?
> because the spider spider.


the whole noun verb thing didn't continuate.... I don't get it


----------



## bromance

choppa said:
			
		

> Whats invisable and smells like carrots?
> 
> Bunny farts!



Hehe.


----------



## h.a.

ah, spied-her... I get it


----------



## wideI

*New Cereal*

The newest cereal... "Prostituties" Unlike Rice Krispies that go "snap, crackle, pop!", Prostituties goes "bang, bang, bang!".


----------



## L2R

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, 
'I'll have a CAD monkey please.' 
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took 
out a monkey. 
He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, 'That'll be £5000.' 
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. 
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, 
'That was a very expensive monkey. 
Most of them are only few hundred quid. 
Why did that one cost so much?' 
The Shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, 
clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money.' 
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. 
'That one's even more expensive! £10,000!  What does it do?' 
'Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, 
mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. 
All the really useful stuff,' said the shopkeeper. 
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. 
The price tag around its neck read £50,000. 
He gasped to the shopkeeper, 'That one costs more than all the others put together! 
What on earth does it do?' 
The shopkeeper replied, 'Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, 
but it says it's an Engineer.'


----------



## melange

why was the pharaoh's daughter crying?



























because she thought her dad was her mummy


----------



## StayinAwake

_There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shephard and a Chihuaha)

A poodle walked by and she says "Ill let one of you fuck me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"

The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that wont work"

The German shephard says "I love liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that wont work"

The Chihuaha says "Liver alone cheese mine"_

/whoomp whoomp whoooooooooooooooooomp


----------



## His Name Is Frank

What do you get when you shoot a mexican playing golf?

A hole in Juan.


----------



## Rated E

What's worse than biting into an apple to find a worm sticking out?

Getting stabbed.


----------



## Edvard Munch

Who was the one who united the Mongol tribes between Manchuria and the Altai Mountains in the twelfth century?







Chief Temüjin.  


Yar yar yar yar!!!



Because he was an alcoholic.



Too-mu-gin.



Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!  Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!  Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!  Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!   Yar yar yar yar!!!


----------



## Rated E

Dayum.


----------



## Rated E

A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic he is destroying his family.


----------



## Edvard Munch

Rated E said:
			
		

> A man walks into a bar.
> 
> He is an alcoholic he is destroying his family.





Yar yar yar yar!!!  That was pretty awesome.  I'm going to steal that joke and use it and I won't even bother crediting you for it.


----------



## L2R

Rated E said:
			
		

> What's worse than biting into an apple to find a worm sticking out?
> 
> Getting stabbed.



de ja vu my arse
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/search.php?searchid=2688738



			
				Rated E said:
			
		

> A man walks into a bar.
> 
> He is an alcoholic he is destroying his family.



but those last two were really bloody good mate


----------



## His Name Is Frank

A sunday school teacher turns to her class and poses this question to them.

"Which part of your body do you think enters Heaven first?" she asks.
All of their little hands raise and she calls on one of them.

*DamagedLemon* "I think it's your hands."
"Why is that?" the teacher asks.
*DamagedLemon* "Because when you go to Heaven, you'll fly up there like Superman. And Superman ALWAYS has his hands pointed above his head."

"Very good, *DamagedLemon*. Now. Who else?"
*Riconoen* "I think it's your cheeks, ma'am."
"Only in your case, *Riconoen*." the teacher says, sadly shaking her head. "Anyone else?"

*Edvard Munch* "Ancient philosophical theories of soul are in many respects sensitive to ways of speaking and thinking about the soul and.........."
"That's enough, *Edvard Munch*!" she barks as she shoots him a cold gaze. "This is a three part joke and there is no room in here for you."

She looks around and there is only one remaining hand in the air. Oh no, she thinks. What perverted garbage is about to come out of his mouth this time?
"Yes, *TALLY*?" she hesitantly asks.
"My name is *natas*, not *TALLY*. Anyways, I think it's your feet that enter Heaven first."
The teacher breathes a sigh of relief at his semi-normal answer.
"Really, *Tal*.... I'm sorry. I mean, *natas*. Why do you think it's your feet?"
*natas* "Well, last night I walked into my parent's bedroom to say goodnight. My parents were both on the bed. My mom's feet were high up in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God! I'm coming! I'm coming!" and it was all my dad could do to hold her down.


----------



## choppa

Whats black, red and white and cant turn around in a revolving door?












































A nun with a spear through her head.


----------



## choppa

<~~Wordsmithing nina.. . .

*sticks to the celing*

*throws ritz crackers like karate stars*


----------



## StayinAwake

Jackass


A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down, and enjoys it. Another guy walks in and says to the bartender, "Hey jackass, give me a beer!" He chugs the beer and walks out.

The first guy thinks, "What a jerk!"

A few hours later the second guy comes back into the bar, looks at the bartender, and says, "Jackass give me a beer." He chugs it and walks out.

The first guy thinks, "That guy's such a prick."

About an hour later, the second guy walks back into the bar and says, "Jackass, give me a beer." He drinks it down and walks out.

At this point the first guy is getting upset about what the other one is doing, and asks the bartender, "Why does he call you that?"

The bartender chuckles and says, "He-aww he-aww he-aw-ways calls me that!"


*WHOMP WHOMP WHOOOOOOOOOOOMP.*


----------



## choppa

Doug Stanhope :The Aristocrats Joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGl39nMmQNc


----------



## method25

OMG that last one is classic  StayinAwake !!
I lol'd  4 real.


----------



## junctionalfunkie

What's Irish and sits outside?

Patty O'Furniture. :D


----------



## dunwich

how did the under age serpent get into the nightclub?




with a snake ID...


----------



## junctionalfunkie

What's the difference between an onion and a whore?

Nobody cries when you chop up a whore.


----------



## L2R

what does star wars and onions have in common?












they both have leias


----------



## L2R

cute email


> After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
> The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
> 
> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
> Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
> 
> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
> 
> 
> 
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> 
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> 
> P: Something loose in cockpit..
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> 
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
> 
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> 
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
> 
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> 
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what friction locks are for.
> 
> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> 
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
> 
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> 
> P: Aircraft handles funny...........
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> 
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> 
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
> 
> And the best one for last..................
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget.


----------



## poopie

my cheeks hurt, l2r...


----------



## Rated E

What's white at the top and black at the bottom?

Society.


----------



## L2R

i made up that star wars one 



			
				Rated E said:
			
		

> What's white at the top and black at the bottom?
> 
> Society.



oh lol!


----------



## spaceyourbass

How do billboards communicate?


*NSFW*: 



sign lannguage


----------



## spaceyourbass

A Mexican and a black person are in a car.  Who's driving?  


*NSFW*: 



the police


----------



## Chicago66

Wakinglyfe

/joke


----------



## Rated E

I like my women like I like my whiskey...

Shaken up with coke, locked in my cellar and aged 12 years.


----------



## Sparky

9 out of 10 people enjoy gangrape.

What did kermit say when he got to the top the hill?  M'uppet.


----------



## junctionalfunkie

Rated E said:
			
		

> I like my women like I like my whiskey...
> 
> Shaken up with coke, locked in my cellar and aged 12 years.




It's "12 years old and mixed up w/ coke."


----------



## cerebralinnovation

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? BECAUSE THEY TASTE FUNNNYY JAJAJJAJAGNJLSDANGLEJNHSGOEHGKSDBNGKL:NHSUHSUOPAGHOSR:NJHGO:SRNH:ULSRHL:SRNH:ULHSNR:GN



What's the difference between a 68 Ford Mustang GT and a pile of dead babies?

... There's not a 68 Ford Mustang GT in my garage!


There's no such thing as rape: just surprise sex.


----------



## Riconoen

An 90 year old man goes to his doctor. He says to him "Doctor, my wife is pregnant, but I'm 90, how is this possible?" 

"Well, let me tell you story that might help put things into perspective," said the doctor. "a man was out camping when he saw a grizzly bear charging right at him, he reached for his rifle but accidently grabbed walking stick, he aimed it and them moved his finger like he was pulling a trigger, miraculously there was a loud bang, and the bear collapsed stone dead in front of him". 

"But what does this have to do with getting my wife pregnant when I'm clearly too old?" said the old man

"It has to do with it because somebody else shot the bear" replied the doctor.


----------



## junctionalfunkie

^ How old is the man's wife?


----------



## toa$t

what's brown and sticky?

a stick!

What do you call a black guy who flies planes?

A pilot, you racist.


----------



## Riconoen

what do you call a jewish womans boobs? 

jewbs.


----------



## spaceyourbass

^Haha

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?


----------



## Rated E

junctionalfunkie said:
			
		

> It's "12 years old and mixed up w/ coke."



No, actually, that's not how I told it.


----------



## Tenchi

What's the definition of pain?

A fly sliding down a razorblade, using it's bollocks for brakes.

---

How do you confuse a retard?

Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.


----------



## Riconoen

How many congressman does it take to change lightbulb?

none, lightbulbs are illegal.


----------



## fengtau

Men always have better friends....
They will stand by you, no matter what....!!!



Here's an example:-




Friends of Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night.

So she tells her husband the very next morning,

that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight.

So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and

none of them confirmed that she was with them.




Friends of Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night.

So he tells his wife the very next morning,

that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.

So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirmed that

he stayed at their apartments that night and

another 5 claimed that he is still with them!!


----------



## L2R

^lost in translasian?


----------



## fengtau

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the

light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him of this habit. So one night, while they

were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on

the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a

battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger

than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me

all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids.'


----------



## fengtau

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak at the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.  

 Ever wondered why? 






.....Because she smells like a new car.


----------



## L2R

teehee^


----------



## reality_check

i was gonna tell one but all mine are racist


----------



## Tenchi

What's black, smokes and sits at the top of the stairs?


*NSFW*: 



Stephen Hawking after a house fire.


----------



## alasdairm

Sparky said:
			
		

> What did kermit say when he got to the top the hill?  M'uppet.


that is great 

alasdair


----------



## felix

reality_check said:
			
		

> i was gonna tell one but all mine are racist


why can't stevie wonder read?



because he's bbbbbbb-lind. 



change the ending as you see fit.


----------



## ClubbinGuido

A Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar. I forgot the rest of the joke but your mothers a whore.


----------



## KillerAtLarge

cerebralinnovation said:
			
		

> Why don't cannibals eat clowns? BECAUSE THEY TASTE FUNNNYY JAJAJJAJAGNJLSDANGLEJNHSGOEHGKSDBNGKL:NHSUHSUOPAGHOSR:NJHGO:SRNH:ULSRHL:SRNH:ULHSNR:GN
> 
> 
> 
> What's the difference between a 68 Ford Mustang GT and a pile of dead babies?
> 
> ... There's not a 68 Ford Mustang GT in my garage!
> 
> 
> There's no such thing as rape: just surprise sex.









*"BOOOOOOOOO!!!"*


----------



## ClubbinGuido

I fucking hate Muppets.


----------



## AbSiNtsAberonesont

Especially those ones


----------



## KillerAtLarge

You two are right.  Theyre not funny....theyre HILARIOUS!


----------



## AbSiNtsAberonesont

Muppet seizure hilarious or Muppet Geezer hilarious


----------



## fengtau

An Indian man moves to Montreal , Canada and goes to a big
                  department store looking for a job. The manager asks, 'Do
                  you have any sales experience?'

                  The man says, 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home'. Well, the
                  manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. 'You
                  start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how
                  you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer
                  comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for
                  him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. You get the idea?'
                  'Of course,' the young man said.

                  His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
                  After the store was locked up, the manager came down. 'How
                  many sales did you make today? The man says, 'One' The
                  manager groans, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
                  30 sales per day. How much was the sale for?' The man says,
                  '$101,237.64 .' The manager exclaims, 'What? $101,237.64?
                  What did you sell him?' The man replied, 'First I sold him
                  a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then
                  I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
                  fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing,
                  and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going
                  to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and
                  I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
                  didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
                  down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4
                  Pajero.'

                  The manager says 'You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish
                  hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!' The man says,
                  'No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his
                  wife and I said,'Well, since your weekend's already screwed
                  up you might as well go fishing.'


----------



## reality_check

whats the difference between a bench and a black man
a bench can support a family 

what have a bike and a black man got in common
they both dont work right without a chain


----------



## dshock

ClubbinGuido said:
			
		

> A Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar. I forgot the rest of the joke but your mothers a whore.



Hhahaha, Yes, nice.


----------



## fengtau

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?


----------



## slushy muddy water

what did the fish say when he ran into a cement wall?

dam


how'd the monkey fall out of the tree?

he died


----------



## Jamshyd

A blonde walks into a library and asks, "Can I get a martini?"
The librarian glares at her and says, "This is a library!"
The blonde goes, "Oh, sorry" then whispers: "Can I get a martini?"

I  blonde jokes!


----------



## shotgunsinthehall

Four guys walk into a bar.

The fifth one ducks. 

^^^Inspired by fengtau^^^


----------



## shotgunsinthehall

What do you call a black man with no arms and no legs?

...A law-abiding citizen.


----------



## felix

knock knock!


*NSFW*: 



who's there?




*NSFW*: 



boo.




*NSFW*: 



boo who?




*NSFW*: 



no need to cry, it's just a joke.


----------



## LoveAlways

^^ I LOVED that one when I was a little girl I made my mom tell me over and over again


----------



## bromance

felix said:
			
		

> knock knock!
> 
> 
> *NSFW*:
> 
> 
> 
> who's there?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *NSFW*:
> 
> 
> 
> boo.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *NSFW*:
> 
> 
> 
> boo who?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *NSFW*:
> 
> 
> 
> no need to cry, it's just a joke.



Now *that's* how you do a cheesy joke people.  Take note.


----------



## OxyEater420

"I’m in court next week for raping a virgin twice. 
I’m pleading not guilty because she wasn’t a virgin the second time I rapped her."


----------



## dr-ripple

middle finger said:
			
		

> What do you call a cow with no legs??
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ground beef





  epic repeat  

My Turn -- 
Why did Smokey the Bear never have children?

Because every time his wife got hot, he hit her with a shovel.


----------



## Indo

Why is the man lost in the desert able to survive?

*NSFW*: 



Because of all of the SAND-WHICH-IS there!




Why did the lettuce head blush?

*NSFW*: 



Because it saw the salad DRESSING!


----------



## Sziontist

i dont' know, this made me lol and it's kind of very cheesy.


----------



## Mazey

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.  Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.  The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:



 To: My Loving Wife
 Subject: I've Arrived
 Date: October 16, 2008
 I know you're surprised to hear from me.

 They have computers here now and you are
 allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

 I've just arrived and have been checked in.

 I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
 Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
 Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

 P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!


----------



## Excido

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items:

    * A half-gallon of 2% milk
    * A half carton of eggs
    * A quart of orange juice
    * A small head of romaine lettuce
    * A 2-pound can of coffee
    * And a 1-pound package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" 

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."


----------



## Mazey

*FREE tickets for this weekend !*

EXTRA TICKETS


I have 4 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event at the United Center this weekend if anybody wants them.


He's going to try to jump 5,000 Obama supporters with a bulldozer.


Should be a good time.


Let me know...


----------



## shotgunsinthehall

Did you know there were four types of orgasms?

1) Positive Orgasm: "Oh yes, Oh yes!"

2) Negative orgasm: "Oh no, Oh no!"

3) Religious Orgasm: "Oh god, Oh god!"

and...
*NSFW*: 



4) Fake Orgasm: "Oh Mazey, Oh Mazey!"


----------



## L2R

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes: Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there! 

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!  

 The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''


----------



## Klue

Why did the pervert cross the road?












Because his knob was stuck in the chicken :D


----------



## GanjaBabe

what is brown and sticky??

a STICK!

bahaha


----------



## L2R

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break, in their soon-to be, new store. 


As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. 


One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.' 


No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Australian walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Australian accent asked 'What are you selling here?' 


One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes...' 


Without skipping a beat, the Australian said, 'You are doing well ... Only two left!


----------



## China Rider

What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?



Can't fuck a rock.


----------



## L2R

^there's a rude/offensive thread too. this is the cheesy one. 

and besides, you can most definitely fuck a rock if you were determined enough


----------



## neverstop

knock knock.

Who's there?

neverstop, and he'll always be there for you.


----------



## neverstop

What did the fish say when he hit his head?

Dam


----------



## China Rider

Impacto Profundo said:


> ^there's a rude/offensive thread too. this is the cheesy one.
> 
> and besides, you can most definitely fuck a rock if you were determined enough



One mans cheese is another mans dead baby.


----------



## L2R

that other man is a fuckin idiot


----------



## China Rider

What's your problem with cheese?


----------



## TheLoveBandit

If you go back a few pages, you'll see 'bad taste' jokes running rampant.  And while I agree that shit ought to have been put in the other thread, I can't see getting made at CR for something he didn't set a trend on


----------



## organicshroom

What do call a deer that has no eyes?


No Idea


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


Still no fucking idea.


----------



## GanjaBabe

How do you mend a broken jack o'lantern?



A PUMPKIN PATCH! haha


----------



## GanjaBabe

what do you call cheese that isn't yours?


Nacho cheese!


----------



## organicshroom

Ok this ones pretty bad, but It's  gotta be said.



Whats green and smells like pork?.................................





Kermit the Frogs finger.


----------



## AgentSquish

Two pretzels were walking down the street and one was assaulted.


----------



## AgentSquish

The chicken and the egg were lying in bed, and the chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg looks at him, and says, "well, I guess that answers that question."


----------



## L2R

TheLoveBandit said:


> If you go back a few pages, you'll see 'bad taste' jokes running rampant.  And while I agree that shit ought to have been put in the other thread, I can't see getting made at CR for something he didn't set a trend on



like cows, i don't get mad
i get stabby


----------



## choppa

How do you kill 100 flies at once?


























Hit a somalian in the face with a shovel.

*loves doing it wrong*


----------



## dropacidrain

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?




Beer nuts are 2 or 3 dollars, deer nuts are under a buck.


----------



## lunanueva

AgentSquish said:


> Two pretzels were walking down the street and one was assaulted.




Baaaaa hahahaha!!!! I'm trying to figure out how I can use it within the next 10 minutes.


----------



## silentscience

why did BlueLight Cross the road?





It was high.


----------



## Tenchi

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,

his elbow goes into her breast.


They are both quite startled.


The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast,

I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Bill worked in a pickle factory. 


He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one
day

to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. 


He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. 


His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.


'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put
my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.


'My God, Bill, what happened?'


'I got fired:

'No, Bill  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together.'

'I know,' the old man said..  'We were probably sitting here naked
as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal


----------



## L2R

^i like those

and Vthis one too :D



dropacidrain said:


> What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Beer nuts are 2 or 3 dollars, deer nuts are under a buck.


----------



## Tenchi

That one did make me giggle.


----------



## Cisco-Kid

2 muffins in an oven. muffin 1 turns to muffin 2 and says "god its hot in here" muffin 2 replys with "oh my god! a talking muffin!"

2 lesbian vampires say to eachother "ill see you next month" 

what the advantage of fucking 84 year olds? theres eighty of them


----------



## dyslecstasy

chicago joke:

what are the 3 streets in chicago that rhyme with vagina?


paulina, medina, and lunt!!!

hahahaha (and yes the first two streets are pronounced as if they rhyme with vagina even though they're not spelled that way)


----------



## TheLoveBandit

For me Scottish friends on the board, aye...



Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Because sheep can hear zippers.


----------



## filenet

whats brown and sticky?

a shoe...aw fuck it! nah!  a pole...aw fuck it!  I forgot the answer! its funny anyway

peeow! peeow!    melting point...


----------



## PinkStrawberries

*What did the fish say after he ran into a wall?*

Dam!


----------



## Bomboclat

Whats so similar about American beer and having sex in a canoe?

FUCKING CLOSE TO WATER 

LOLLL


----------



## antbanks99

HisNameIsFrank said:


> What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
> 
> Their last big hit was the wall.



I've been reading for hours...had to stop there. If anyone can get a hold of Junior, that'd be classic to text to him.


----------



## L2R

Confucius Says: 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
Virginity like 
bubble, one prick, all gone. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who run in 
front of car get tired.




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*




Man who run behind 
car get exhausted.




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man with hand in 
pocket feel cocky all day.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Foolish man give 
wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright 
organ.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man with one 
chopstick go hungry.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who scratch ass 
should not bite fingernails.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who eat many 
prunes get good run for money.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Baseball is wrong: 
man with four balls cannot walk.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



War does not 
determine who is right, war determine who is 
left.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Wife who put 
husband in doghouse soon find him in 
cathouse.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who fight with 
wife all day get no piece at night.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



It take many nails 
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who drive like 
hell, bound to get there.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who stand on 
toilet is high on pot.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who live in 
glass house should change clothes in 
basement.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who fish in 
other man's well often catch crabs.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who fart in 
church sit in own pew.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Crowded elevator 
smell different to midget.


----------



## One Thousand Words




----------



## Bomboclat

^^ AHAHAHAHAHAH

k i got one 

*What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?

Wheres Popcorn?!*

LMAO
AHAH

and to add to Impacto Profundo's

*Man who goes to sleep with itchy butt
wake up with smelly finger.*


----------



## cdubb

*a HILARIOUS THREAD*

What do you call a hairy beast in a river?
A weir-wolf!


----------



## wArEhOuSePuNk




----------



## Bomboclat

^ best joke ive heard in a while


----------



## wArEhOuSePuNk

Thizzerfershizzer said:


> ^ best joke ive heard in a while



a picture speaks a thousand words. Just ask One Thousand Words


----------



## China Rider

A bagel walked into the bar.

Bartender sez:
Sorry. We don't serve food here.


----------



## wArEhOuSePuNk

^ it would've been funnier if you would've said Foods


----------



## China Rider

wArEhOuSePuNk walks into a bagel shop.

Bagel shop owner sez: How can I help you?
wArEhOuSePuNk sez: Poppy seed bagel with cream cheese.
Bagel shop owner sez: No problem.
wArEhOuSePuNk sez: .......
Bagel shop owner sez: $1.79 please.
*wArEhOuSePuNk hands bagel shop owner a $5 bill*
Bagel shop owner sez: Thank you, your change is $3.21.
wArEhOuSePuNk sez: Cold out, eh?
Bagel shop owner sez: Ohhhh yeah, windy too, driving me nuts!
wArEhOuSePuNk sez: Bro, my thermometer read -10 this morning!!
Bagel shop owner sez: Now that's cold!
wArEhOuSePuNk sez: Can I massage your dangler?
Bagel Shop owner sez: wat?


----------



## Bomboclat

^ ahahahahhahaha



wArEhOuSePuNk said:


> a picture speaks a thousand words. Just ask One Thousand Words



hahaha
nice

dont think hed say much though


----------



## zephyr

A piece of string walks into the bar and asks for a beer

The bartender says "GTFO, we dont serve pieces of string here"

"Ohh come on man I just want a beer"  says the string.

"Nah, we dont want string in here, get out" says the bartender.

The string leaves the bar and ties himself in a knot and ruffles his ends, then pushes open the door to the bar.

"Hey, are you that piece of string I told to GTFO just before?"  says the bartender.

"No, Im _AFRAID KNOT_"


----------



## China Rider

Say, my dawg has no nose.

No nose? How does he smell?

Blooming awful!


What is the difference between a frog?
One leg's both the same.


----------



## cdubb

zephyr said:


> A piece of string walks into the bar and asks for a beer
> 
> The bartender says "GTFO, we dont serve pieces of string here"
> 
> "Ohh come on man I just want a beer"  says the string.
> 
> "Nah, we dont want string in here, get out" says the bartender.
> 
> The string leaves the bar and ties himself in a knot and ruffles his ends, then pushes open the door to the bar.
> 
> "Hey, are you that piece of string I told to GTFO just before?"  says the bartender.
> 
> "No, Im _AFRAID KNOT_"



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
 thats gold Jerry! GOLD!


----------



## Rusty Cage

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

The bear asks the rabbit, "hey you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

"No..." replied the rabbit.

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.


----------



## poopie

cdubb said:


> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
> thats gold Jerry! GOLD!




the glass is round.
the jar is round.

why not call it "roundtine"?


----------



## Johnny blue

Two peanuts are walking down the street. One of them was assaulted(say it)


Guy walks in to a bar asks the bartender for 3 beers and 3 shots of jack. Without saying anything the guy just starts chugging everything untill the bartender says "hey buddy relax, no ones gonna take em from ya"
To this the guy replies"ya well you'd be drinking this fast if ya had what I do"
"well what do ya have?"says the bartender.
And just as the guy finishes his last shot he says"2.50"


----------



## Max Power

moar


----------



## fengtau

Singaporean joke...

Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius
Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ?
PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !
Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?
PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose
feel better than your finger, right ?
Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don't pray pray ah !

Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow
ah ! Use your blain, use your blainnn ..........
Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are
making love ?
PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a
glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corlight or not?
Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blainnnnn ........... you
go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
Aloy : Wah... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
PCK : Aiyah ...... ," Best in Singapore, JB, some say Batam, and now, the whole world also ah!!!


----------



## ResinTeeth

There was a two car pile up in Arizona...47 mexicans died.


----------



## BeenThereDoneThat

*Diary on a cruise ship.......*

Sorry if this is old.. made me laugh

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1 

All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited. 

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2 

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man. 

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.

He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5

Pool again today, got sunburnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is   charming.     Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined.    He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.


----------



## DexterMeth

animal cookie...for the LAST FUCKING TIME...I...yes I, own the fucking company...get back in your fucking cage...your desk is mine..lol i just let you sit in it and type up a thread you moron....gag'ed you...moron


----------



## DoseYouAll

the office TV show had some really good writing in the latest episode and this is out of context but such as:

 knock knock

 who's there

 KGB



  KGB who?


  *slap to the face*  WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!!


----------



## RigaCrypto

What does a cop say when he sees a banana peel on the pavement?

"God damn it, I'm gonna fall again!"


Two cops are taking a leak. Which one is sending the stream further?

The one whose fly is open.

(These jokes are from an ex-communist country where cops are stereotyped to be extremely stupid and illiterate)


----------



## Tupac777

Whats the difference between a bench and a black guy?

The bench can support a family of four.

yes,a black joke.


----------



## captainballs

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".


----------



## Bill

^ jebus


----------



## 8ft-Sativa

Q. What's the difference between Santa Claus and Michael Jackson?

A. Nothing, they both leave little boy's bedroom with empty sacks.


----------



## Thou

How many able-bodied people does it take to screw in a light bulb?





One.


----------



## PottedMeat

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the possums it could be done.


----------



## toa$t

why did the chicken cross the road?

because there was bluelighter telling rape jokes on the other side, and the chicken was fjones.


----------



## cletus

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


----------



## dropacidrain

CletusVanDow said:


> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.



Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.


----------



## spindizzy

Whats the difference between a camera and a sock?

One takes photos the other takes five


----------



## captainballs

*Joke 1:*

Two solid pieces of poop were jogging to the gym when suddenly diarrhea comes out of nowhere and catches up with them.

"Can I come to the gym with you guys?" asks diarrhea
"No." reply the two pieces of regular poop.
"But why?" asks diarrhea.
To this the poops reply: "Because we only hang out with tough guys."
*
Joke 2:*

A wife and husband are in bed together when the husband once again asks the dreaded question: "Honey, could you do that thing I like with your fingers and my ass?"
"No" says the wife, "I don't feel like it."
"Pleeeeasseeee! Just one finger. I promise."
"No" says the wife.

Like many times before, he softly takes the wife's reluctant hand and places her forefinger about an inch into his asshole. "Oh god, that feels so good" he says as his wife sighs. "Please, just one more finger! Please!!! Just one more I PROMISE!" 

Knowing where this is going, the wife gives in and eventually she is massaging his prostate with three fingers. "Oh yes!" says the husband. "Now put your whole hand in there! The WHOLE HAND! Oh god yes, please!"

The wife is rolling her eyes but she sticks her whole hand up his ass. Then she feels something weird in there. "I feel something odd in here tonight, babe," she says.

"Oh pull it out!!" says the husband. "Pull it out!!!"

She digs and she maneuvers, and finally gets a grip on whatever this strange object is in his ass. Strangely, after some pulling, a golden watch plops out of his asshole and into her hands. The husband turns around with a smile and says to his wife, "Happy Birthday, honey!"


----------



## vegan

[interlude]

about the jokes that say "- what is the difference between X and Y? - None, they both..."

they're presented in a way that doesn't make sense
you don't say "there's no difference between a dog and a daisy because they are both alive"?

these jokes should go "what's the common point between X and Y? - they both..."

[/interlude]


----------



## vegan

> (These jokes are from an ex-communist country where cops are stereotyped to be extremely stupid and illiterate)


do you live in a lucky country where cops are intelligent?

cause everywhere i've seen, 90% of cops were just too stupid to study after high school and so had been recruted with (half-hidden) promises of power over others


anyway, this brings back a joke to memory
i'll try to render it in english :

- what is a half-cop?
- someone who can neither read


----------



## RigaCrypto

vegan said:


> do you live in a lucky country where cops are intelligent?
> 
> cause everywhere i've seen, 90% of cops were just too stupid to study after high school and so had been recruted with (half-hidden) promises of power over others



I live in the same ex-communist country but sadly now the drug cops are pretty smart and professional. The street cops are still simple-minded fellows who generally appear only to extort bribes.

Some more cop jokes:

A cop gives an interview to a TV news crew at a road accident site about the importance of wearing a seatbelt:
"Look at this man who did not wear a seatbelt: head busted open, guts on the windshield, eyes in that tree, no hands.
And look at the one who wore a seatbelt: he almost looks alive!"


A guy in a red convertible with a monkey in the passenger seat is stopped on the highway by a traffic cop. 
"Show me the papers" the cop says
"Here you go"
"What's with the monkey?"
"Oh, I'm just keeping it with me"
"And why doesn't it have a seatbelt?"
"Does it say in the law that monkeys have to wear a seatbelt?"
(They check the lawbook)
"Ok, so why do you carry it with you?"
"Well, I fuck it in the mouth now and then" - he smashes the monkey's head on the dashboard until it is dazed then slams its mouth on his dick, then says to the cop:
"Don't you want some too?"
"Mmm, no..." (undecided)
"C'mon, man, it's for free!"
"Ok, but don't smash my head against the dashboard before - promise?"


A traffic cop stops a blonde on the highway.
"Hello, ma'am, please show me your license"
"My licence, what's that?"
"That square thing with your picture on it"
She looks through her purse and finds a mirror that she hands to the cop. He says:
"Oh, excuse me, if I had known you were a cop I wouldn't have stopped you..."

and another variant:

A traffic cop stops a blonde on the highway.
"Hello, ma'am, have you been drinking tonight?"
The blonde:
"Oh, no, I have to suck that big thick breathalyzer again?"


----------



## L2R

i just made this one up:

q: why did the epileptic man and woman live happily ever after?


a: because as a couple they just fit together


----------



## L2R

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches...

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'


----------



## That_Guy

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bath?

Throw in detergent and the laundry



What does an epileptic have in common with your favorite sweater?

It just fits.


----------



## Ousley

Why is a roach clip called a roach clip? The word pot holder was already taken.


----------



## L2R

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that  there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They  tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.  

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.  

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.  

The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'


----------



## L2R

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a
Construction site.


The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. "I
expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of
hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the
Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he
hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I
thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah
could nae get meself a shoovel.  Ye left th' Chinese gadgie
in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the
pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of
sand and yells,


"SUPPLIES!!!!"


----------



## 1394

Where do baby apes sleep?

Apricots.

heh?


----------



## dropacidrain

what's michael jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?

little boy blew..


----------



## L2R

There was  a man who worked for the Post Office whose job  was to process all the mail that had illegible  addresses.

One day, a  letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to  God with no actual address. He thought he should  open it to see what it was about. The letter  read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old  widow, living on a very small  pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It  had $100 in it, which was all the money I had  until my next pension payment. 

Next Sunday is  Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends  over for dinner. Without that money, I have  nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn  to, and you are my only hope. Can you please  help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal  worker was touched. He showed the letter to all  the other workers. Each one dug into his or her  wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By  the time he made the rounds, he had collected  $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to  the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers  felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner  she would be able to share with her  friends..

Christmas came and went. A few  days later, another letter came from the same  old lady to God. All the workers gathered around  while the letter was opened.

It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you  enough for what you did for me? Because of your  gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious  dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day  and I told my friends of your wonderful  gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I  think it might have been those bastards at the  post office.
Sincerely, Edna


----------



## xcidium

What do you call a Phillipino Contortionist?
A manilla folder.



booyeh!


----------



## Mazey

Subject: A Powerful Message from Stevie  Wonder On Michael Jackson’s Death… 



 ....... .. … … ..   …..
.. .  . …    .   .     . .   .  .. . ..  ….   .. .. . …    .. 
...  ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
..     .  .  … .. .   . .  ..
... . .... ...  .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . ....  . ...
. ..     .  
.   .      ..   . ..          .               ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ...  ... .... ....
.  .. .. .
.. .... 
..  .        .       .  .  . .. .. … .. 
..  .... .. ... ... .......  ......  .....


----------



## fengtau

Three men a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where

St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my ass hole."

And the idiot went to Heaven.


----------



## masonyoung

two Irish guys walk out of a bar...


----------



## Opiate 420

Why are black people so tall?

cuz there knee grows (negros) get it!


oooh thats right, ill be here all night people


----------



## DrGonzo899

^ damn thats bad!

A man is sitting on his couch when he hears a knock at the door.  He answers it and sees a snail sitting on the doorstep.  The man picks it up and chucks it as far as he can.  Three years later, another knock at the door.  When he opens it that same snail is back and it asks "what the hell was that about?"


----------



## DJ 303

if you think your comedowns bad - imagine being a chicken egg

you only get laid once

you only get smashed once

and the only bird who will ever sit on your face is your mum!


----------



## fengtau

A guy's best friend dies (via a tragic accident involving flat tyres, a mud hut and fishing tackle) so he goes to a psychic mediator to speak to him. 
He makes contact, and asks his freind what being dead is like. The freind replies: 

"Oh, it's great! first you have breakfast, then sex, then lunch, then sex, then dinner, then sex, then bed. Oh, then sex, of course." 

So in wonder the guys says: 

"Shit...is that what heaven is like?!?" 

With somewhat contempt his dead friend says: 

"Heaven be buggered, I've been re-incarnated as a rabbit in hyde park!"


----------



## laurengotdatfire

What's better than a big fat sack of weed and oral sex for 2 hours straight?














Stealing fengtau's babeh.


----------



## toa$t

Opiate 420 said:


> Why are black people so tall?
> 
> cuz there knee grows (negros) get it!



I am impressed that you managed to miss both of the possible correct spellings of 'their' in the context of this joke


----------



## fengtau

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."


----------



## fengtau

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"


----------



## fengtau

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."


----------



## D's

once you go black, you never go back.
once you go white, you know your credit is right!!
lol


----------



## DJ 303

whats blue and doesn't fit?

a dead epileptic

#wince#


----------



## Imraan11

A guy walks into a bar. He orders a drink but before he downs it he enquires about the horse standing in the back. The barman explains- 'You see that huge bowl with all the money in it; you put in 100 bucks and if you can make the horse laugh you can have all the money'
The guy finishes the beer, puts in his 100, saunters over to the horse and whispers in his ear. And then the horse is cracking up with laughter.
The guy takes his money and he's gone.
He returns another night and upon seeing the horse still there, he enquires from the barman if its the same story as before. The barman says ' yeah same story but this time you gotta make it cry'
The guy downs his beer, puts in the 100, and then over to the horse. 2 seconds later the horse seems heartbroken. He's crying like a baby. The guy takes his winning and wants to leave. The barman is curious though and asks the guy how he did it. He's reply- 'the first time i told him my dick is longer than his, the second time i showed him!'


----------



## RedLeader

What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?


*NSFW*: 



It only takes one nail to hang a painting of Jesus!


----------



## Imraan11

Australia... Where men are men and sheep are nervous.


----------



## ThCatBob

RedLeader said:


> What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
> 
> 
> *NSFW*:
> 
> 
> 
> It only takes one nail to hang a painting of Jesus!



^ dam! lol


----------



## ThCatBob

meesa said:


> So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.
> 
> They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.
> 
> And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"
> 
> And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"



ahh simple and great ^.^


----------



## Opiate 420

Why are black people so tall? cuz their knee grows...


----------



## mrskatanic

why doesnt Obama pray? 


because its hard to read the telepromters with your eyes closed.


----------



## stardust.hero

Knock knock


----------



## Erich Generic

go around


----------



## Sparky

Got a text the other day...

"For only 2 pounds...

Kasif is a 9 year old Namibian boy from a small village outside Windhoek. Kasif lost a leg last year but still, every day he has to cycle 11 miles along uneven roads to collect water for his family, on a bike with bent wheels, 1 pedal and no saddle while using a bucket with 3 holes. 

For only 2 pounds, we will send you the dvd as it's fucking hilarious."


----------



## MistaJeff

I was hung over at work so instead of doing my work I thought up these: On second thought, all but one of them are too ghey for me to not be embarrassed to post. 

What is a Bro's favorite rock song?





Brohemian Rhapsody


----------



## Imraan11

A chinese guy walks into a bar. He orders a beer and moves over to an empty table. On his way he knocks into a guy and spills his beer all over the guy. 
The guy's clearly upset.
 "Wtf? first Pearl harbour now this!" he says.
The chinaman says "It not chinese bomb pearl harbour, it japanese"
"Chinese japanese- its all the same to me" replies the guy.
The chinaman shakes his head "you jews- first the Titanic now this" he says. 
"But we didnt sink the titanic, it was an iceberg" the guy replies confused. 
The chinaman says "Goldberg, steinberg, iceberg all same to me!"


----------



## The Hoff Bomb

*Knock Knock*
Who's there?
POLICE! SEARCH WARRENT!


----------



## bagochina

What do you call the dead black guy hanging in the barn?
-Antique farm farm equipment

Why do black people have such big lips?
-Because when they were born they had tails and when God pulled them off they went, 'OWWWWW'  [this one doesnt work as well over the internet, mouth the word OWWW, get it.

Sorry if these are racist or too racist you can take them down, but I saw other people making jokes like these so it must be ok right, rolls eyes...

Peace,
Seedless


----------



## bagochina

Stick your neck out as far as you can and than slowly spell out loud, 'I Met'

get it, the movie, shrug...


----------



## TheLoveBandit




----------



## trainwreckmolly

How many A.D.D. kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna ride bikes!


----------



## Riconoen

wanna hear a joke?

everyone kill themselves for this faggotry.


----------



## gsta4lyfe

What do ghosts get when they pick their nose?
Booooo-gers


----------



## trainwreckmolly

explosion at a pi factory in huddersfield

3.14159265 found dead.


----------



## choppa

trainwreckmolly said:


> explosion at a pi factory in huddersfield
> 
> 3.14159265 found dead.



Thats awesome.


----------



## TheLoveBandit




----------



## sorpresa!

nacho cheese


----------



## fengtau

THIS IS A LONG JOKE !! So don't fall asleep half-way, you will love it !!

The following was an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. 

One student, however, wrote the following: 
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. 

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.


----------



## TheLoveBandit




----------



## TheLoveBandit




----------



## tathra

^ hahaha.

why did sarah palin cross the road?

*NSFW*: 



she didnt, she got 1/2 across and quit



what did they farmer say when he lost his tractor?

*NSFW*: 



hey, where's my tractor?



two guys walk into a bar.  the third one ducks.


----------



## Bomboclat

that _was_ funny :D


----------



## tathra

i dont get it.


----------



## carl

lol


----------



## fengtau

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. 

The Russians used a pencil.


----------



## sssssssssss

whats brown and sticky


*NSFW*: 



a stick ahahahahaahahah




whats brown and rymes with snoop


*NSFW*: 



dr dre ahahahaahahah





man im good.


----------



## elz

knock knock
whos there
bumble bee
bumble be who
bumble bee cold if you dont put your pants on ....

yeah i know


----------



## phall tour

what kind of socks does a pirate wear..........


ARRRRRGILE


----------



## ahint

What's big, red and eats rocks?





A big red rock eater.


----------



## Imraan11

Dave is dating lorraine but is smitten by  his new neighbour clare-lee. Being a nice guy, he's not sure how to end it without heartbreak and tears. One day lorraine falls into a river and she's swept away with no hope of survival. Upon hearing the news, dave starts singing softly- I CAN SEE CLARE-LEE NOW LORRAINE IS GONE...


----------



## deadhead507461

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."


----------



## Bomboclat

So, A man goes to the Doctor for his annual check-up. The doctors says:
"You know, you're really gonna have to stop Masterbating so much!" To which the man says, "Why is that?" The doctor then replies, "So I CAN EXAMINE YOU!"


----------



## lonewolf13

a black buy from harlem walks into his house w/ a wheel of cheese. his wife asks what type of cheese it is. he says " i dunno nacho i guess"  . the wife says " uhhhhuhhhhh why you think its nacho?"  the man says " well when it was rolling down the street and i grabbed it the other mens was yelling " thats nacho cheese...  thats nacho cheese""


for dumb fucks "nacho cheese" is to be read "not your cheese"


----------



## fengtau

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!”

The lion answers, “That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!”


----------



## Larr_E

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino???  "el-if-i-no" (pronounced like "hell if I know")...


----------



## slortaone

a chinese guy a mexican guy and a black guy walks in to a bar
the bartender says get the fuck out


----------



## toenibbler

always have trouble remembering cheesy jokes, but they good to have in ur arsenal 

only one i can member is:
Ok so there where 3 monkeys, they all fell of a tree, why did the 1st fall out?
"he was dead"
Whyd the 2nd?
"he was holding the hand of the 1st"
Whyd the 3rd?
"he thought it was a game"


----------



## Imraan11

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the forest. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks- "Hey rabbit, you got problem with shit sticking to your fur?" Rabbit says "No" So the bear takes the rabbit and wipes his ass.


----------



## busby

two sausages are in a frying pan.

The first sausage turns out and says "Christ it's hot in here",

The second sausage turns around and says "FUCK ME A TALKING SAUSAGE"

groan!!!


----------



## lonewolf13

what cheese is made backwards?
































































edam


----------



## dizzarin

two parrots were sitting on a perch...








one leaned over and said, "does something smell fishy?"

LOLZ


----------



## Noodle

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. 

She thinks to herself, *"Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchical society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,"* and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. 

Finally, the man says, *"Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already!"*









...


----------



## DamagedLemon

fengtau said:


> A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
> 
> Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
> 
> The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
> 
> As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!”
> 
> The lion answers, “That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!”



So good!! I love this.


----------



## welshmick

fengtau said:


> A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
> 
> Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
> 
> The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
> 
> As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!”
> 
> The lion answers, “That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!”



Love this one


----------



## His Name Is Frank

The Sunday school teacher asked her students how they think people entered Heaven. A few hands shot up around the room. She called on David.

"I think you instantly get beamed up there, like on Star Trek!" David shouted out.

"That could be a way." she told him. Looking around, she pointed to Jade. "Yes, Jade?"

"I think you enter on a big cloud that comes down from Heaven." Jade told her. "Then you get on the cloud and go straight up into Heaven."

"That's so sweet, Jade. I like that idea." The teacher scanned the room again and called on Jeremy. "Yes, Jeremy?"

"I think you enter Heaven feet first, ma'am." Jeremy said.

The teacher looked confused. She laughed and asked, "Why do you think we enter Heaven feet first, Jeremy?"

"Well, I walked into my parent's room last night. Daddy was on top of mommy. Her legs were straight up in the air and she kept screaming, "Oh God! Oh God! I'm coming! I'm coming!" and it was all my daddy could do to hold her down.


----------



## brandy42

*Ebeneezer ?*

Do you reckon he was any goode ? 

Sorry if wrong forum.


----------



## TheLoveBandit

What did the Mommy tomato say to her daughter tomato who was lagging behind?


Hey, ketchup!


----------



## brandy42

No said your server needs an upgrade, hehe


----------



## DexterMeth

This isn't racist...come on, chillax peeps.  I heard this one all the time, even from black people since 5th grade.

"Why are black people so tall?"
"Because they're knee grows!"


----------



## lonewolf13

why did the farmer cross the road?



cuz his dick was in the chicken.


----------



## brandy42

The above is really quite funny !!


----------



## Ryan1411

Two stoners see a fly sitting on a pile of cow manure.

One stoner says to the other, "Damn...he really had to take a shit."


----------



## UnSquare

What kind of tea do kings drink?

Royalty!


----------



## Jamshyd

greenfalcon said:


> what's the difference between jam and jelly?
> 
> you can't jelly your cock down someone's throat!



Somehow, you of all people telling this joke makes me aroused.

Want some Jam, boy?


----------



## HMHB

Alzheimers protest march

What do we want!

"F*ck knows!"

When do we want it

"Want what?" :D


----------



## Bomboclat

^ I lol'd


----------



## sad mafioso

TheLoveBandit said:


> What did the Mommy tomato say to her daughter tomato who was lagging behind?
> 
> 
> Hey, ketchup!


----------



## alasdairm

UnSquare said:


> What kind of tea do kings drink?
> 
> Royalty!


nice. another tea joke:

why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?
because proper tea is theft!



alasdair


----------



## L2R

i made this one up. 
----------------------------------------------------------


an ob/gyn was trying to relax his patient during an examination, and so says to her "thanks for coming in during the day, I know how hard it can be to get away."

"no problem," she said, "i work mostly at night anyway."

"yeah, what do you do?" the doc asked

"i'm a magician," she said.

"really?" the doc said, "how many fingers am i holding up."


----------



## Samadhi

Knock knock
Who's there?
Nicholas
Nicholas who?
Nicholas girls shouldn't climb trees.


----------



## HMHB

What do you call a guy with no shins ?
Tony.


----------



## papa

what do you call a one legged waitress?.....Ilene..

where does she work?......Ihop..


----------



## matt2012

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs getting pulled behind a boat?



Skip


----------



## matt2012

did you hear that they finally stopped the oil leak in the gulf?

All they did was squeeze a wedding band around it and it quit putting out


----------



## UnSquare

alasdairm said:


> nice. another tea joke:
> 
> why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?
> because proper tea is theft!
> 
> 
> 
> alasdair



Lol.
I have people interested in hearing this joke.

:D


----------



## lostNfound

^ haha, i clicked this thread because i saw you bumped it and alasdairs post was the first i thought i must commit to memory.


----------



## Depressicaa

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, why the long face? 


*NSFW*: 



The horse replies: I have AIDS.


----------



## Arnold

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

*NSFW*: 



Stephen Hawking after a housefire






What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

*NSFW*: 



acne doesn't cum on an eight year olds face


----------



## Keaton

*What do you get when you cross a parrot and a catapiller?*
A walkie talkie

*What do you call a pig doing karate?*
A pork chop

*Why did the football coach go to the bank?*
To get his quarter back






I sicken myself..


----------



## TheLoveBandit

size:

*NSFW*:


----------



## xcidium

Q: why do they call the gap between a woman's boobs and her knees a waist?
A: because you can fit another set of tits there.


----------



## lonewolf13

Q: what do you call the useless piece of skin around a vagina?

A: a woman.


----------



## Busty St Clare

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. 
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday."


----------



## McWigga

Depressicaa said:


> A horse walks into a bar.
> 
> The bartender asks, why the long face?
> 
> 
> *NSFW*:
> 
> 
> 
> The horse replies: I have AIDS.



BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man


----------



## jahh

good one!!!


----------



## fengtau

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.


----------



## El Blanco Negro

wanna comeback to my place and play soldier? ill lay on the bed and you can blow me away


----------



## El Blanco Negro

lonewolf13 said:


> Q: what do you call the useless piece of skin around a vagina?
> 
> A: a woman.



ur a jerk


----------



## forum poster

knock knock


----------



## my innerself

Who's there?


----------



## my innerself

Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?

Because the meat was chewy.


----------



## sir pacman

Whats a cow with two legs called?


----------



## sir pacman

Lean beef!


----------



## sir pacman

What do you call a cow with no legs?


----------



## sir pacman

Ground beef!


----------



## my innerself

Knock knock!!!

Who's there?

The interupting cow.

The interupti...MOOOOOO!!!!!!


----------



## Tootsie

^Haha I remember that one.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get the the other slide!

Ooooh shiiitttt! Yea....I went there.


----------



## lonewolf13

why did the farmer cross the road?


his dick was in the chicken.


----------



## scubagirl200

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.


----------



## fengtau

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles - something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
"Because", she replied, "sometimes, I really miss mine..."


----------



## Bomboclat

I lol'd


----------



## Tenchi

A lion, a bear and a chicken are sitting in a pub discussing which one's the hardest.

The bear says "When I growl, the entire forest runs for cover."

The lion says "That's nothing. When I roar, everything on the plains of Africa shakes with fear."

The chicken thinks for a while then says "Funnily enough, when I sneeze, the entire world shits itself."


----------



## fengtau

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. 

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. 

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator...’

Some old men can still think fast.


----------



## my innerself

Did you know that statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy........... I'm sorry.


----------



## China Rider

^Whoa how long have you lived there?

What's the difference between a frog?
-One legs both the same

My dog has no nose
How does he smell?
Awful.


----------



## fengtau

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."


----------



## fengtau

Special joke for Damagedlemon:



> Broken Singaporean english...
> 
> There is this Law firm (LEE & LEE Associates) owner whois very religious wan, his fengshui sifu told me that he can only hire lawyer with surname "LEE" to work under him, and strangely he managed to get all the LEE's lawyers to work for him!
> 
> One day my frend TunaSingh who just graduated from law skool goan asked for an interbiu in LEE's Law firm and strangely this LEE also asked him to come for the interbiu without asking whether his name is closely associated with "LEE" anot.
> 
> During the interbiu everything went go smoothly till the end where LEE told TunaSingh :
> 
> LEE : I m actually very implessed with your resume, but there is one problem.
> Tuna : What is the problem sir?
> LEE : Well you see ... I only hire lawyer whose name are closely related to "LEE" if not .. i wont hire them to work for me wan and your name is TunaSingh ... i dont see any relation to "LEE" so ...
> Tuna : Lidat lu abit racist ledi la!
> LEE : Ya la! sorry la! this is what my fengshui sifu told me wan ... i dare not defy him ler! if not I dem jialat wei!
> Tuna : ok ok i understand ... not to worry.
> LEE : Thank you for your time and effort.
> 
> That night TunaSingh come to tell us his problem and asked us if we could help him to come up with a name that is closely related to "LEE" and also will not effect his status as a sikh one. After hours of yum sing we finally found a name that is 100% suitable to him one!
> 
> A day later, TunaSingh go back to find LEE again .....
> 
> LEE : Eh .. TunaSingh, I thot I told you we only hire lawyers with name closely related to "LEE" wan?
> Tuna : Yes u did! Thats why i kambek here again for my job!
> LEE : Har? but your name does not have any relation with "LEE" wan wat?
> Tuna : Oh ..... dont worry about that la! I consulted my chinese frend ledi and they gave me a new name and I just went to the registration department to change my name ledi.
> LEE : Change name??!! nid meh?! So ... whats your new name now?
> .
> .
> .
> Tuna : Now my name is "Mangga-LEE" sir!


----------



## DamagedLemon

Lol I enjoyed the Singlish but I didn't get the Mangga-LEE part 
Esssplain?


----------



## fengtau

All Singh in Singapore and Malaysia are called Bangkalee or Mangalee.

Historically, Malaysians/Singaporeans think that Singh are from Bangladesh which is wrong.  Singh are usually from Punjab, they are, by right, Punjabi.\


----------



## jonny87

Why did the girl fall off the swing.......she had no arms...


----------



## jonny87

what do you call a cat that swallowed a duck?

a duck filled fatty puss...

yep...I know....it's good


----------



## fengtau

Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den.

He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching.....
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.........
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it rightin front of Einstein...........

Einsteins counting......
97,98,99.....
100........

He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........
Einstein says "newtons out..newtons....out....."

Newton denies and says i am not out........
He claims tht he is not Newton......
All the scientists come out and he proves tht he is not newton..........

HOW?????????

His proof:
Newton says:
I am standing in a square of area 1m square.....
That means i am Newton per meter square......Hence i am Pascal....since newton per meter square = Pascal


----------



## Rated E

What did the cheese say when it was surprised?

[SPOIL]Cheesus![/SPOIL]


----------



## Keaton

Any and every chuck norris joke


----------



## fengtau

Why are there so many dumb blonde jokes?
It gives brunettes and redheads something to do on Saturday night.


----------



## L2R

fengtau said:


> A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.
> 
> His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?”
> 
> “Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
> 
> “Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce.”
> 
> “I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus’s in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”
> 
> Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
> 
> “Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife.
> 
> “That’s his mistress,” says her husband.
> 
> “Ours is prettier,” she replies.




ha!

very good :D


----------



## TALLY 2.0

What is the racist slur for a mexican midget

speck


----------



## phenethylo J

Whats the worst part about bald pussy?



Putting a diaper on it.


----------



## K12

playing poker:

the asian had three of a kind and was beaten by a flush. he replies, "what the fuck is a frush!"


----------



## fengtau

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband!" said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:

"Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". 

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...

So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra!- the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:.

Men might be ungrateful idiots....

But fairies are......female!


----------



## fengtau

1. What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champion.

2: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.

3. Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the drive-in?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

4. What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
An in-body experience!

5. What did the dumb blonde say to the doctor when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

6. Why are there so many dumb blonde jokes?
It gives brunettes and redheads something to do on Saturday night.

7. How do you get a dumb blonde to marry you?
Tell her she's pregnant.

8. How do dumb blonde braincells die?
Alone.

9. What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A number of people claim to have seen a Bigfoot.

10. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.

11. What do you call a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.

12. Where does a blonde hemophiliac go for medical treatment?
An acupuncturist.

13. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.

14. Why do blondes drive VW's?
Because none of them can spell Porsche.

15. How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't -- they're born that way.

16. How many blondes does it take to play tag?
One.

17. What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell -- she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

18. What does an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common?
No matter how often you hear about them, you never see one.

19: What do you call a blonde with a 50 I.Q.?
Gifted.

20. Why do blondes have square boobs?
No one told them to take the tissues out of the box first.


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## Keaton

Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?

Because god couldn't find three wise men and a virgin


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## TALLY 2.0

LOL fengtau they dont even have Blondes in Asia.


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## fengtau

FUCK YOU TALLY!


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## lonewolf13




----------



## lostNfound

Why did the Mushroom go to the Party?


Because he was a fun guy.


----------



## lonewolf13

what cheese is made backwards?























edam


----------



## EbowTheLetter

what are the sexiest animals on the farm?











































brown chicken brown cow!


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## Keaton

Hahah I forgot that one  always makes me laugh tho


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## TheLoveBandit

EbowTheLetter said:


> brown chicken brown cow!



It took me several tries to 'get it'.  I'm not sure if I finally laughed or groaned.


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## fengtau

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my Red Shirt.” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, “Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?” The captain replied, “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.”


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## Keaton

^I love that joke


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## TALLY 2.0

A girl walked *into* a bar and said ouch that hurt.


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## lonewolf13

which cheese is considered sacred?


swiss cheese, cuz its holey (holy)


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## Lucy Noeno

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Fuck it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."

The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.

As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.

Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly shits his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"
"No." Johnny replies.
"Are you the horse's ear?"
"No"
"Are you the horse's tail?"
"No"
"Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!"
And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all of Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's as pissed as fuck. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown.

As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!

The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.

INSULT SCHOOL
Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!
'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.

So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his ass off.
Then his day arrives...

As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's a pissed off m.f. hell bent on revenge. He give the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket and storms off.

He sees all the regular shit. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...

The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same shit they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it again, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"
"No." Johnny replies.
"Are you the horse's ear?"
"No"
"Are you the horse's tail?"
"No"
"Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!"
And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched. This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and says...

-



-



-



-



-



-



-



-

"FUCK YOU, CLOWN!"


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## fengtau

How many reindeer does it take to screw a light bulb?

8. 1 to screw the light bulb and 7 to hold Rudolph down.


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## fengtau

Why it's important to understand English

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to 
exchange, so I went to the
currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one lady in
front of me. . . an Asian lady who was trying to 
exchange yen for dollars
and she was a little irritated . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change??

Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo 
yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"


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## vegan

a baby boy is born without ears

still in hospital, the parents know they will love him all the same and will try their best to help him through life and make it happy

however, after 2 days, the dad starts to get really annoyed at all the visitors uttering the same "oh! my god! he doesn't have ears. poor deaf baby. life is going to be so hard for him"

the repetition is really getting on the dad's nerves and he's getting to feel violent
he tells his wife that "i don't care who's next, if he makes the same comments he's going to get it for everyone else

now it's the dad's best friend turn to visit the family
after saying hello, he turns to the baby and let's out an exlamation "oh! but..."

the dad's blood is boiling, he reaches for a chair and is about to slam it on his friends' head when this one goes on
"but... does he have good eyesight?"

the dad is totally taken aback
he puts down the chair and answers sheepishly
"err, i suppose. i don't really know. we haven't checked yet... why?"

"because if he has to wear glasses... he's fucked!"


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## fengtau

*Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked*

Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
You want to see if it's like the dream.
So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
No one steals your chair.


----------



## DexterMeth

Shit mang, I wanna go to work naked now.


----------



## Roger&Me

Cheesy jokes? 

Let's get Lovelife up in this thread.

*ba dum chhh*


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## fengtau

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer.”

The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, “How long were you married?” He answered, “24 years.” “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, St. Peter asked. The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times … but you said I was forgiven.” St. Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”

The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out.” St. Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Lincoln.”

The third guy walked up and said, “St. Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!” St. Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, “I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!”


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## EbowTheLetter

Have you read about the new corduroy pillow?

It's making HEAD LINES!


----------



## slef

EbowTheLetter said:


> Have you read about the new corduroy pillow?
> 
> It's making HEAD LINES!


----------



## EbowTheLetter

Two peanuts were walking down the street.

One was a salted!


----------



## slef




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## fengtau

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Pakistan. 
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. 
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. 
The rest of the world is in shock. 
The USA is sending troops to help. 
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. 
Latin American countries are sending supplies. 
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. 
The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure. 
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies. 
Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million Pakistanis as replacements... 
God Bless British generosity.


----------



## TALLY 2.0

What do you call a black man with a good job, a wife, two kids, who helps the community, obeys all the laws, helps old ladies cross the street, stopped a mugger from robbing someone, is against the death penalty, owns no guns, and graduated from college?



*NSFW*: 



A fucking "damien"!!!


----------



## Mehm

why did the tomato blush?

he saw the salad dressing!


----------



## TALLY 2.0

A child molester and a little boy walk into the woods
They keep walking and walking and it keeps getting darker and darker
So, the little boy looks up to the child molester and says, "gee mister, Im getting scared"
Then, the child molester looks down at the little boy and says...
"You think youre scared. Ive gotta walk out of here alone."


----------



## webbykevin

what's blue and fucks old people ?

hypothermia.


what is funnier than a dead baby ?

a dead baby wearing a clown suit.


how do tell the sex of a chromosome ?

look up its jeans


----------



## fengtau

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'
asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour
and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. .

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'


----------



## D's

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles?

*NSFW*: 



Nail its other hand to the floor. 



what's blue and thrashes about on the floor?

*NSFW*: 



A baby playing in a plastic bag. 



How many babies does it take to paint a house?

*NSFW*: 



Depends how hard you throw them. 



What is pink and red and sits in a corner?

*NSFW*: 



A baby chewing on razor blades.



What is green and sits in a corner?

*NSFW*: 



The same baby, six weeks later.


----------



## webbykevin

fengtau said:


> The Catholic type supports the masses;
> The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
> The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
> The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'



what about the sheepdog bra ?

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.


----------



## lonewolf13

A Chinese man enters a bar to find a Black bartender. He says, "Hey niqqer, give me a jigger."

The Bartender responds, "That's terrible! How would you like it if I said something like that to you? In fact, let's just switch places. You get behind the bar and I'll come in as a customer."

The Chinese man agrees and gets behind the bar. The Black man goes outside.

Upon reentering, he says, "Hey Chink, give me a drink."

To which the Chinese man answers, "Sorry, we don't serve niqqers here."


----------



## DexterMeth

One time I was walking down the street in the day time and I looked up and I saw the moon!


----------



## Mehm

Why don't they give lawyers viagra?

Cause it just makes them taller.


----------



## fengtau

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”

“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her ass. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!”

“Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.”

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with another black eye. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!”

“But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her ass. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn’t like this, so I pushed it back in!


----------



## ektamine

Why did the Guitar Teach go to jail?

'Cause he was fingering a minor.


----------



## TALLY 2.0

*Nerd Humor*

Two atoms are drinking at the bar. Suddenly one says to the other, "I've just lost one of my electrons!"

"Are you sure?" asks the other.

"Yes," replied the first atom. "I'm positive."


----------



## Mr.Hankey

ektamine said:


> Why did the Guitar Teach go to jail?
> 
> 'Cause he was fingering a minor.




'
HHAHAHAAHAHAA! It's funny cause it's true!...I mean,,,what I'm saying is if it were true...I mean like if somethig like that ever happened the n it wuold...i mean could be true...i mean funny...uhhhhhhh...damn kids


----------



## TALLY 2.0

My mother and my girlfriend are wearing the same perfume, which is weird because, all of a sudden, I'm attracted to my girlfriend.


----------



## fengtau

A wise man once said that to be happy :-
1. It is important to find a women who helps at home.
2. It is important 2 find a women who can make you laugh.
3. It is important 2 find a women who you can trust and doesnt lie to you
4. It is important 2 find a women who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four women dont know each another...


----------



## TALLY 2.0

A Chinese couple is lying in bed.
The husband says, "I want a 69."
and the wife replies "why you want beef and broccoli now?"


----------



## HeWhoHowls

One time I told my Grandfather about a dream I had in hopes that he could translate it.
I said, "So Grandpa, whatya thnk that means??"

He said, "It means  yous was sleepin."


----------



## Blue_Phlame

Confucious say a good woman does 70 chores around the house...cooking and 69


----------



## TALLY 2.0

Harris has a sore ass, so he goes to the proctologist.
The doctor examines him and says "My god, how did your asshole get so stretched out?
Harris replies, "I was fucked in the ass by an elephant."
The doctor says, :Oh come one! Everyone knows that elephant's dicks are _long_, but they're not that _wide._
Harris answers, "yeah well he fingered me first."


----------



## fengtau

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, Honey", she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" she asks.

"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"

"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."


----------



## welshmick

A man recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.......
When quizzed on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train....
He  as chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...
I thought to myself, these blokes have lost the  plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance....
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The  Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said.
"No" he replied, "just having a pee."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming  anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’........
I bought her bathroom scales.

I saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really  worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week......
I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish homosexual has raised a dispute with eBay........
He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like  breadcrumbs......
The  birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits........
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’.......
Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.......
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’........
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night........
To be fair the audience did try to warn him.


----------



## fengtau

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: '

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to... the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

The teacher was speechless and fainted


----------

