# -alone-



## SpeedLimit55

I chuckled to myself almost silently, as I sat on the old oak bench confused, angry; blaming the world for my mistakes. Ignoring the vulturous question marks circling over head, ready to devour my dying consciousness at any moment wasn't much of a problem...Outta sight outta mind right? Now if only they'd stop screaming...
It's interesting the way humans can find the humor in any situation, at anytime, regardless of the heartbreak or massive level of loss involved...I suppose we really create the humor...sort of an aid to help us deal with it...lord knows in times like these there's nothing *really* funny...but alas, they say laughter IS the best medicine.
"Cute aren't they?"
Mostly stunned, half annoyed, I turned to the man to my right.  The wrinkles on his face proof positive that he smiled way too much...
"What's that?", I asked...half hoping I was hearing things.
Silently and slowly his fragile arm rose, extending his long white finger outward, pointing across the park to a small creek.  The sound of mild rapids overcome only by the (ironic and, in my eyes, unfair) laughter of the children jumping across the rocks.
"Yeah. Cute kids." I spouted off, expecting him to pick up on the inflection of annoyance.
"Remember hearing "What goes up must come down"?" he continued.
*Jesus CHRIST* I thought to myself. 
"Sure do."
"The opposite is true too, ya know." At this point he had annoyed me to such an extent that I had temporarily forgotten whatever it was that was bothering me, thus I pressed on.
"I sure hope not. I'm afraid of heights".  Being a smartass never really got me anywhere in life, but it sure as hell made me feel better.
The old man smiled and nodded, in that cocky, "I know so much more than you" way that old people live for.  The standard few moments of uncomfortable silence ensued, then he crossed his legs, sat back, and turned to me.
"I was talking about your heart".
How dare he? Assume that the solemn look on my face and the tears in my eyes had anything to do with a crack in my heart...a weakness in my soul...a tear in the fabric of my being.  Typical...so typical.
"You know much about my heart?" I asked, ready for this war to start.
"Only what you've shown me", he said, his black, glazed over eyes looking far off into the distance...I assumed he was still watching the children...wishing he was nimble enough to hop the stones.
I guess the look of confusion on my face spoke for me, as he went on:
"You slammed your car door. You've been kicking rocks in the dirt, you've been talking to people who aren't there, and your eyes sure do look watery...and you think *I'M* the crazy one?"
Dumbfounded. Yeah I guess you could say that. The monsoon of annoyance quickly turned to a wave of relaxation...and for the first time in what felt like an eternity, I felt myself breathe.  The brisk autumn air was cold in my lungs, refreshing, invigorating.
"Yeah, well, my life isn't as easy as yours.  My parents think I'm a failure, I don't know what I want to do with my life, I'm 300 miles away from my girlfriend, and even my closest of friends have stabbed me in the back.  Not all of us can play at the park all day."...Perhaps I was a bit crass...but I had earned it.  My life had come crashing down around me and this ancient of days was trying to be my shrink...
"You sure seem to know so much about me.  Have you met my wife? I suppose you haven't had the time, what with all your problems.  We've been married for over 45 years."
Embarrassed about my assumptious outburst, I avoided eye contact at all cost. 
"No, is she here?" I asked sheepishly, trying to sound as if I didn't care.
"Son...I met my wife when I was a shade younger than you.  From the time we met we fought more obstacles than I care to tell you about....we were separated for more than 2 years during the war, her parents disowned her at a time when my parents were long since dead, and we don't talk much anymore...but I love her with all my heart and I'd lay down my life for her if I could." The tone of his voice changed, as did the speed of his words...slower now...talking more to himself than to me.
"What's her name?"
"Jeannette...You mentioned your girlfriend, what's her name?"
"Her name's Melissa".
"Do you love her?"
Intrigue and respect washed over my heart.
"More than I could ever tell you"
"And your parents...do you love them?"
"Of course, they're my parents."
"Do you suppose your parents love you?"
"I guess."
"You guess?? You Guess??? Either they do or they don't. Do you live in their home?  Have they ever helped you out of a bad situation?  Do you sit down at the dinner table with them?"
"Well, yeah...I mean they're my parents".
"Do you ever fight with your parents?"
Laughing softly, "Yeah. It seems like every day."
"About what?" He asked me, now making eye contact.
"Ya know, the usual...school, money, my friends."
"Have you ever made your parents cry?"
This is ridiculous. This man is obviously some kind of pervert........................
"Yes".
"Son, let me tell you a little something about parents. Do you know why you fight? Because they love you. Because they are afraid. Because they are terrified. Every night they go to bed, they pray to a God they have never seen that you will be okay...and when they get up in the morning, guess what the first thing on their mind is?"
"What about this girl, Melissa? Tell me about her".
"She's amazing. I'm so proud of her. She is truly the most intelligent person I've ever met....She was the top student in all of her classes..she graduated high school when she was 13..she had 2 college degrees at 18....she sees the world in a way that I never even thought of....She....."
Interrupted by the old man, "Have you told her you love her?"
Since a real man doesn't cry, I turned my head to the side. Choking back the lump in my throat and refusing to let my eyes tear up...I took a deep breath.
"Every chance I get".
"What does she look like?"
"She's so beautiful.  She has thick black hair, smooth, soft skin....and her eyes....my god...her eyes....She has the deepest blue eyes...sometimes she'll look at me...."
What the hell am I doing?
Am I really going to sit on this bench and cry? Am I going to tell this old man, who's name I don't even know....am I going to tell him...no...am I going to SHOW him the truth? Am I going to show him that I am lost, confused, scared and lonely?
No.
"Sometimes she'll look at you and all you can do is cry", he said, tearing the words from the cold shaking hands of my honest soul.
I nodded, tears now streaming down my face.
A few moments of silence went by....me thinking about her....about my parents..............
I'm a man...I don't cry...
"What about your wife...where's she?"
Apparently men do cry, because with tears in his eyes this beautiful creature turned to me and said:
"Jeanette has been dead for 4 years.  She died in my arms...on our 41st anniversary."
Silence.
Had I any less respect for him I would've stood up and ran.  In a matter of moments this man had made me feel like the smallest, most worthless person alive.
"I'm so sorry", I said, truly meaning it...apologizing also for my behavior.
"No son, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you can't see."
Confusion....??????
"Son...just because you're lonely....doesn't mean you're alone. Love is the best friend anyone could ever ask for."
The children now long gone, dumbfounded and staring in awe...I watched as the old man stood up....grabbed his cane....and walked away from me.
Sitting on that bench watching the sunset I was by myself....but for the first time in my life I knew...I wasn't alone.


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## Furnace

> Love is the best friend anyone could ever ask for.


Ahh, if only it was that easy...
------------------
Still post-rockin' in a free world


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## marbica

i've been looking for that best friend for a while now. i seem to have lost her somewhere in my youth, locked her out of my heart... so worn out and sick of having her come tearing destructively in and out of my life whenever she pleases. now i'm empty, controlled and observant.
~
a very engaging piece, i like your narration.
------------------
"curiouser and curiouser..." -alice


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## ~*Meg*~

Oh my God, that is by far one of the best things I have ever read, ever.
Thank you for sharing your soul with us.




------------------
*"Weep not sad soul, nor forget, that sunrise never failed us yet."*
*"...and if the night runs over, and if the day won't last, and if our way should falter along this stoney pass, it's just a moment this time will pass." ~U2*
*"Stupidity has a knack of gettings its way" ~ Albert Camus*


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## Spencer

That was totally fucking amazing spedly. Especially your discriptions af Mel. She's a lucky, lucky girl. 
Fuckin amazing man.
-Spencer


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## fizzygirl

spedly..you are one of the few people whose writings make me cry.  every goddamn time. 
Can't wait to see you two again


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## atri

sent shivers down my spine man.
atri


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## E-girl

^
|
|
|
i second that.


> "Sometimes she'll look at you and all you can do is cry", he said, tearing the words from the cold shaking hands of my honest soul.


i envy that.
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
Find one person you can count on forever, one person you can love forever, and one person you can be with forever... and if you're lucky, it will all be the same person.
*"Live for the memories."*


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## ice-9

*speechless*


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## Noodle

*flashes Spedly*


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## Sweetpea

Sometimes you meet people that you know are special. Honest eyes? Sweet heart? I have no idea but you're one of them. 
Melissa once wrote or said that she loves you now and loves the man that you are going to be. It stood out to me because I couldn't agree more and told her so (by the hump closet)  
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



This needs a tissue icon


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## Angelight

chills i tell you....chills.
this was wonderful spedster  
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	



love,
ange


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## PoppE

.


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## harraser

I havent cried for 8 months now but sitting here on the library computer you nearly got me there....thank you
------------------
"if there were no rewards to reap,
no loving embrace to see me through
this tedious path Ive chosen here
I certainly would have walked away by now.
And I still may."-MJK TOOL


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## SugarCandy

I don't know you...but I wanted to tell you that that was just amazingly beautiful...I think I can deal a little bit better with the loneliness I feel sometimes after that.  Thank you!


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## cinsin

all i can say is wow!!! i think how special this young lady must be to hear, to feel these beautiful words coming from a young man who is not afraid to express,feel,to love. i chuckle to myself and a happy tear runs down my face for " I AM THE LUKY ONE" why? you might ask?
i am flower's.....mom


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## cloud 9

real nice.
------------------
Do i really need one of these?


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## PixieGirl

WOW!  That was amazing Spedly.  I felt as tho I was there watching you speak to this old man in the park.  Truely a wonderful piece.


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## lasergyrl

Josh, 
You know that I really needed to read something like that. IT seems I feel that way in life right now too, except I get along with my parents. You know that you can call me anytime of the day or night right? Love you and your girl tons.


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## L O V E L I F E

Amazing, my friend.


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## RavinRaych

i feel like everyone has already said what i thought about your writing...but there are emotions that i got from reading it that aren't really capable of being put into words.  I am really glad i decided to read it, because there are so many links on this website you can click, and i know that im missing so many that could change my perspectives on things.  
But yeah, i cried, i think the reason i did cry, is because im not as fortunate as so many people who do have someone to love.  I feel like someone to reciprocate the feelings i have for them is impossible, leading to the thought what the fuck is wrong with me. i know I'm incomplete.  So be greatful you're not as alone as you thought you were.  I really enjoyed your story.
plurr 
raychul


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## StormChild

Thank you love.


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## yoUr bLiSS

wow...this touched me more then anything i have ever read here in words...i have such a soft spot in my heart for elderly people..they are always so full of wisdom and knowledge, i love their stories....


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## Flower

Wow, baby... wow. I'm absolutely speechless. Thank you for once again showing me and everyone else just how amazing you are - I love you more than I could ever express.


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## Dagny

Quiet doesn't mean absent.  It just means that there may be nothing to say right then.  I learn so much from you two. Thank you.
------------------
The space between the tears we cry, is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more.


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## RuRu

Spedly....that was quite amazing...........I read thru it all.............but the one imagethat remains in my eyes (unfortuantly) is the ALONE.....
I have experienced what you are feeling.........but I lost it.  I know I will never find it again.......ALONE.
Ru


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## MDMA desciple

this _actualy_ brought a tear to the old eye -- mostly because it got me to thinking about my girl (she's away at school.)  i realy like the writing style too.
disciple


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## :: sTAr kiTtEn ::

wow
that was absolutely one of the best things i've ever read.
my boyfriend (whom i'm completely in love with) is going away in the navy & i can only see him every 6 months or so. your words touched me so deeply & made me realize that i am never alone. as long as i love him, i'll never feel sad because he's not here, but rather i'll feel grateful that i have him.
from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
you're an amazing writer


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## harraser

For a very long time this has been one of my very favorite things Ive ever read on here. It was the first peice out of Words that I ever printed and put on my wall and since then Ive read it countless times and never ceased to be moved by it. So basically Im bumping this because I love it and was thinking about it again this morning  
Spedly Ill say it again, thank you soo much for this amazing beautiful peice of heaven that came from you mind, its brought tears to my eyes and made me smile more times than you could know.


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## Flower

harraser - thank you for bumping this up... 
This is by far one of my husband's best work, in my opinion.
(I love you, baby)
-Melissa


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## TheLoveBandit

I don't see the right icon to relate the tears I now feel, and I know there is no way to captue the spectrum of emotions you've brought out of me.
I uh...holy fuck.  That was indescribable.  I'll talk to you more next time I see you, but this is something that is just ... wow.
This got bumped at such an opportune time.  And was posted on my b-day which is freaking me out as I already feel a more than natural connection to Josh.  So many reasons this is good, not just the writing but also the relfections it gives us and the motivations it can provide.  Bless you, my brother.


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## Angelight

everytime i read this my hair stands on end.  This piece is just about one of the best things i have ever read.  I wish i could really just tell you how much i appreciate you, the person you are, the strenght you hold...and the love you share, but words simply are not good enough.
I wish i could see you and missy and just hug the heck out of both of you.  I am blessed to know i have you both for friends.
love,
ange


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## kellbelle

wow....
That's all I can say now...


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## E-girl

_"Sometimes she'll look at you and all you can do is cry"_
that's love.


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## Trancey

[ 10 July 2002: Message edited by: tranceaddiKt ]


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## Angelight

.


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## spinkle

Everytime I read this, I simply don't know what to say.  I can see this staying at the top of the forum for a good long while...because a piece this tight deserves it.
Fan-fucking-tastic.


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## cherub

.


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## Dagny

...


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## HydrA

.


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## Spencer




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## Dakeva

[No message]


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## harraser

sigh


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## PixieGirl

my heart goes out to all


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## skydancer

..


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## chasey

.


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## silence




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## kel




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## mashead testing

This threads getting repetative but I can see why.


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## Coldshot

....


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## Craig

.


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## bdreligrrl




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## Mr. Sticky

[ 11 July 2002: Message edited by: Mr. Sticky ]


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## Griff

.
[ 11 July 2002: Message edited by: Griff ]


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## Samadhi

.
Please Email me
Cherub@Colorado.net
[ 11 July 2002: Message edited by: cherub ]


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## Angelight

...and well i am never going to let this thread die.


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## Spencer

^^^^
If only we could be so fortunate to control other things in this manner....


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## Trancey




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## Sweetpea

thinking of you every day


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## E-girl

me too


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## MDMA desciple

disciple here -- back by special permission for just _one_ last post.
and i'm going to use that post to say that i didn't mean the things i said about you in our flamewars sped -- from what dakeva tells me he enjoyed them as much as i did.
flower, i know you probably hate me but i hope you'll accept my condolences nonetheless.
-d out


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## buzzy

.


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## L O V E L I F E

Spedly:
By the way you have touched so many others through your beautiful words, you have become immortal.
Sending You My Love,
LL


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## Angelight

i love you


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## harraser

I read this peice nearly every day now, its sort of hard to take my eyes away from it stuck up on my wall without reading it and thinking about life...... and its still briliant even after the countless times Ive been over it. 
Spedly, wherever you are, know that youre loved.
[ 22 July 2002: Message edited by: harraser ]


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## Hobo.inc

..... spedly..... thank you.


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## MiNiMoWs

*paralyzed*


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## E-girl

keeping it alive with your memory.


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## Dagny

I know it's been weeks now.
And I miss you so much sometimes I can't breath.
And I will always feel your smile on my face.
Loving you.


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## Samadhi

Thank-you E-girl and Thank you SL55   




K
[ 01 August 2002: Message edited by: samadhi ]


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## silence

.


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## Angelight

i had a dream about you the other night...telling me things are going to be ok...
You will always be alive to me, this i know.
i'm missing you spedster.


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## FoX

absence


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## Housekid5

.


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## Bi KaNd*E* RaVeR

[No message]


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## Diamonds

*sigh*
I miss ya Speds and will always love you!! 
Mish


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## atri

.


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## L O V E L I F E

.


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## *Cosmic Mist*

I read this ages ago, but i couldn't bring myself to post anything, because everyting had already been said...
So i'm bumping it instead...
[ 05 October 2002: Message edited by: *Cosmic Mist* ]


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## harraser

^sigh.


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## E-girl

much luv.
missing u.
keeping your spirit alive.


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## Angelight

i would have done anything to be able to tell you the news i got the other day, you would have been the one of the first i would have called... i do believe you had a hand in it...thankyou from the bottom of my little heart, it misses you so....


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## Trancey

*sigh*


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## Nietzche

.


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## L O V E L I F E

[No message]


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## L O V E L I F E

[No message]


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## E-girl

.


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## Angelight




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## TheLoveBandit

To have had him in my life for a moment is to have changed my life forever.  Thinking of you, Spedly, and loving you for who you were and what you gave us all.  Thank you, my friend.


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## Angelight

i am thinking of you josh, i am thinking of you...


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## Furnace

...


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## Dagny

She's doing okay, baby.  Day by day, and she's so strong.  Your love and pride in her was never misplaced, not for a second.  And I love her so much, as I love you still.  Thinking of you.


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## Spencer

not there specifically for him, but still fittingly appropriate
|
|
|
V


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## silence

.


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## Dagny

I won't bump this again sweetie.  Others may, but from here on I'll be talking to you through my letters to you, the times I talk to you when I'm waking and sleeping.  I love you so much...


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## liquidocean

much love


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## E-girl

miss you more than you know......


> "Son...just because you're lonely....doesn't mean you're alone. Love is the best friend anyone could ever ask for."
> you still have it in you josh... this piece, and the memory of you, still leave me breathless and tearcheeked.
> [ 18 September 2002: Message edited by: E-girl ]


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## Spencer

As the 100th post, I'd like to officially ask that this thread remain open as a special exception to the 100 post rule.


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## harraser

I cant speak for the other mods (although i think the chances of them disagreeing with me are rediculously slim) but i know theres no way in hell this thread is going to be closed by me.


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## Furnace




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## Angelight

i want this thread to live on forever...
joshy- i love you.


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## Angelight




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## E-girl

this thread will NEVER be closed.  
i had no intentions of it.


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## Curious_George

I'm not sure what you meant by this comment, but i really dont feel that its appropriate at this time.
~_E-girl_
[ 22 September 2002: Message edited by: E-girl ]


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## Angelight

bump.


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## Squirt

every time... every time i read this thread i cry. every single time....
miss you spedly.  you will live forever in our hearts and thoughts and we will never let you go.
much love always,
squirt


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## Transition Flow

What an amazing piece of writing.  Thank you for writing it.  Also, thanks for bumping.  I would have missed out on this as I have only recently joined Bluelight.  I liked the piece so much that I actually read through all the replies.  It seems as though sometime between the time that this was first written and now, something happened to SpeedLimit55.  If so, I'm sorry.  From what I've read from the replies, he was a great person and is (and will be) missed.  Thanks.


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## Sebastians_ghost

I can't believe I have yet to bump this post.  I read it again today, and it hit me like it had the first.  
Beautiful.
SG


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## E-girl

i thought about you in my car the other day... but i'm sure you know that.  i was having a rough moment, but i felt you were right there with me.
miss u still


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## Sweetpea

I smile thinking of your sweet face.


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## Furnace

> Originally posted by Furnace:
> *
> Ahh, if only it was that easy...
> *


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## Flower

...I never really expected to post here again. I know you didn't want me to... but I think you'd allow me this exception. Something made me read this again... Right now things are raw... too hard and rough and I needed to see what others who have known and loved you have said...it's beautiful, really it is.
I miss you baby. I'm trying so hard to work out a life without you... It's so hard and I don't know if I can do it, if it even can be done... but I'm trying. For you. Because of you. I'm trying to do what you would want me to do... as impossible as it seems.
I love you with all my heart and soul - forever.
---
The timing is off on this damn board as always, but yesterday would have been our 7 month wedding anniversary... your birthday is coming up soon, too. *sigh* Baby you were too young and too precious to go... all I want is you here with me, or me there with you... that's all I want. I want you. To be with you.
I miss you more than words can possibly say.
I love you so much sweetheart, with all of my very being.
I love you.
[ 08 October 2002: Message edited by: Flower ]


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## Dagny

There's nothing I can say or do, Flower.  But I'm right here behind you, always, if you should need me.


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## E-girl

i was waiting for the day i was see you post to this.  I hope you're doing ok Flower... my heart goes out to you.  This isn't the only one of Josh's masterpieces that i find myself reading over and over.  Some of the things he wrote about you were just so incredible, that i can barely bring myself to finish them sometimes.  You were, you ARE so lucky to have had him in your life.  I do believe you were the best thing to ever happen to him.


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## Angelight

Melissa,
i love you so very much, if you should need me ever...you know where i am.


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## Angelight

.


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## chrissie

youll never know how much i cry for you
*much love*


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## Nietzche

.


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## Trancey

...


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## NeWBoRN

We live to love, but not all those we love live, but if in life we have loved, when we lose life we find eternal bliss.
This is the first time that I have read this post and the replies and I.........
PLUR


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## Mr. Sticky

You broke my heart, josh...and melissa, I hope you continue to break mine for years to come. I love you, sweetheart.


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## Angelight

...and sometimes i'll be sitting in my favorite chair, and i'll think of you josh.  The same chair i sit in when i think of all the people i love, and all the people i've lost...and i'll shed a tear b/c i miss you so...


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## E-girl

this thread still breaks my heart


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## Flower

I often find myself wondering how long this exquisite pain is going to last. Inevitably, I come to the conclusion that it will last the rest of my life... just as the blessed memories will last. Someone once said, _"tears are the proof of love... the more love, the more tears."_ I try to remind myself of this whenever I am wishing the pain away... how could I ask that the pain leave me, if in doing so I would be also wishing away the memories of our love that I keep close to my heart? I'd withstand this pain and a hundred-fold more just to keep the memories of the love we shared... all the memories, good and bad. When it comes right down to it,_ the pain of grief is the price we pay for love..._ I recieved so much love from Joshua that the payment is high, but_ well worth every bit of it_.
Thank you all for your sentiments... I lurk around this thread quite a bit and even as it brings back painful memories it also comforts me... thank you, for those small comforts... they are one of few that make even a barely perceptable dent in this thick cloud of grief that now encompasses my life. Comforts don't come easy to me these days, so every little bit helps.
One of Joshua's greatests gifts to the world was, as you all know, his ability to write - from his very core, brutally honest and heartfelt. I've made it one of my missions to see that his gift not go to waste... everything he's written on here has been copied down and is being bound, along with some of his letters he wrote to me during our courtship and marriage, and will someday be in a format able to be passed around... to friends, to family. It's a project we started before his death, intending on passing it onto our child... after losing the baby, Joshua, in his pain, abandoned the project, but I'm determined to see it through - to have his legacy passed on in his memory.
I'm rambling. Sorry. Anyway... I just wanted to thank you all again, for keeping this piece of him alive here on Bluelight. Even though we left the site quite some time before his death, the friends we made here never left our hearts. I think of many of you often, and look forward to the day that I am strong enough to contact you... to see you again...
Until then, yours always,
Melissa


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## Angelight

^^ i love you missy.


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## Dagny

Mel, I told you the last time I saw you - and don't think you'll ever get me to stop saying it - the strength is already in you.  That doesn't help, it may even be worse, but it's there.  Your silence doesn't hurt us.  Your pain does, but we bear it gladly, just as you do.   
I loved him so much, baby girl, so much.  And I promised him a long time ago that I would never forget the things we learned from each other, and that I would bring those things to everyone that my life touched and would hear me.  So I'm doing that now, it's what gets me through the day.  Because you know what keeps coming back to me?  Of all of it, the one thing I can't come to terms with is that I never got to tell him how proud I was of him.  And I was.  Every day that I knew Josh I was so proud of him, and I never said that.  So I won't make that mistake again, with you.  Because I'm proud of you too, and I don't know many things in this world that are more precious than you are.  
Moments of clarity and moments of confusion.  I don't know which is better or worse, I don't think we need to know.  I love you, sweetheart.


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## Sweetpea

Thinking of you Melissa


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## ice-9




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## Angelight

always


----------



## dr seuss




----------



## CuTiFuL*

this is the saddest thread i have ever read...
both the writing and the replies to it are so very touching...


----------



## Angelight

"i know i'll see you again, whether far or soon, but i need you to know, that i care and i misssss youuuuuuuuuu"
miss you joshy.


----------



## Sweetpea

This is something Josh had written to some of us in an email. I wanted to share it and today it feels right


> Yes life is wonderful. Yes we love to surround ourselves with those we
> > love...but the sad fact is we truly never know when they will be whisked away
> > from us.
> >
> > Please, Please, Please...If you love someone...anyone...tell them. Let them
> > know how you feel.  Show them that you are forever greatful that they are a
> > part of your life.
> >
> > I've been fortunate to have the blessing of family and friends...friends like
> > you...whom I do love and cherish with every ounce of my soul.


----------



## cherub

...


----------



## druKfucG

hmph... this indeed is the most touching thread i've ever gone through... this is the first time i view this forum... for the last few days i have been reading and posting replies in many forums, for it makes me feel like i am talking with ppl. as soon as i came into this forum i looked through the topics and the "alone" link captured my attention, and i thought to myself... hmmm... i am alone... i feel lonely... and so i read the story posted by Joshua... it was very touching... the part where he wrote what the oldman said to him.."Son...just because you're lonely....doesn't mean you're alone. Love is the best friend anyone could ever ask for."... it made me think... yes.. i am not alone...and i jumped straight to the last page bcoz i wanted tell him how beautiful the story was.. but as soon as i saw Melissa's post to thank everyone, only to notice Joshua is no longer around... sigh... its so sad.. its a great loss to everyone...


----------



## L O V E L I F E

Peace on you, beautiful boy.


----------



## Angelight

if i got a nickel every time you crossed my mind in one day i would be a rich girl by now...
I love you josh, and i miss you so.
*bump*


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## alykitty

I remember that email, Pea...he always did have a way words...*sigh* what a sweetie!!!!
Mel, I think of you often, even if you haven't been able to tell..I, too, for different reasons have been silent maybe because I never knew how to really react to this whole thing...I loved that boy, but somehow I think that he never knew that...we were smartass's to one another and although at the time it was just the way our friendship responded to one another I now regret never telling him or you for that matter, just how much the two of meant and still mean to me!! In fact, this is the first time I think I've ever even expressed any of this out loud (so to speak)!!! 
You're strength astounds me and the love the two of you shared is only a love I can hope to one day know!!! Always keep that alive   
We are here for you WHENEVER YOU ARE READY!!!! 
love you
-aly
[ 20 November 2002: Message edited by: alykitty ]


----------



## Mr. Sticky

Whenever my faith in humanity wavers...


----------



## *Cosmic Mist*

This is the thread i needed to read right now - it always reminds me that even iwhen i am feeling low, and even when nothing is going right, how important it is to not lose sight of the bigger picture. SOmething i hate to remember, but am loathe to forget.
I didn't know you Josh, but thatnk you anyway. I'm sure you have touched more of us on Bluelight than you were even concious of...


----------



## Angelight

Joshy be with me next week, please be with me...


----------



## MiNiMoWs

flower, i think of you often.
words can't really touch on how i imagine your life to be - it must feel like hell at times.  you've always expressed the utmost sincerity in your posts and made me feel a little bit more at ease about life and the daily tests we all endure.  you've had to experience feelings and real stuff in the past few months that would be difficult to handle even when spread out over a lifetime.  
i still don't know what to say.  
this hits the heart pretty bad, but be strong.
like you are.
and beautiful.
like you always will be.   
much love to you, doll.
*hugs* barbie.


----------



## silence

I always tear up everytime I read this... 
Even though I never got the opportunity to meet Josh in person He seemed to be a great person and seemed to have alot of friends. My Heart goes out to Flower,Josh's Family and Friends
[ 21 November 2002: Message edited by: tj-e ]


----------



## E-girl

flower hon, i hope you're doing ok...
and josh, it's amazing how many people you touched with this... i dont doubt this one will stay alive for a long time...
at least as long as i'm around.


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## Angelight

it seems as soon as this reaches the bottom of the page a little something tells me to go *bump*
hope your flying high sweet angel.


----------



## sneeze

<----- just read speelimit's piece
brilliant is an understatement. quite reaffirming
nice work


----------



## L O V E L I F E

Today I am Thankful that I have had the privilege of knowing a brilliant, kind, warm, talented, passionate, funny, generous young man named Josh.


----------



## Angelight

Happy Thanksgiving angel


----------



## Trancey

I haven't been into words for a while, but everytime I come in here I make a point to come read this again. I couldn't count the number of times I've read this, but alas, everytime I do, it makes me cry. 
Thank you again, and Melissa, my heart and prayers will always be with you. *hugs*


----------



## Squirt

i don't know what this was doing all the way back on the 5th page, but it belongs on the first.....
miss you josh.  thinking of you this holiday season......  *massive hugs to you and yours*


----------



## E-girl

missing you.


----------



## Sweetpea

Thinking of you and Griff last night
Your little smile never leaves my heart


----------



## Angelight

*oh christmas tree...oh christmas tree..."
I know your shining bright like the star on MY tree.
miss you joshy


----------



## E-girl

josh... if you're up there and you can hear this,
please send some help...
i've lost all hope.
i think you're watching over us, and you know the shit i've been going through.
please help me...


----------



## MiNiMoWs

^
|
|
*big strong hug*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
merry christmas, josh.  
merry christmas, melissa.
xoxoxo.barbie


----------



## E-girl

merry christmas josh!


----------



## L O V E L I F E

Merry Christmas, both of you.


----------



## Angelight

my little heart misses you so....


----------



## papermate

I would like to say that i was sitting in the hotel, reading this thread with tears in my eyes, and all of a sudden i realised there were 6 people in front of me at the desk, aparantly waiting for a while.
this has captivated, warmed, and saddened me so much, my whole heart goes to all those who have posted.


----------



## Flower

...merry Christmas everyone. 
I miss you baby... I miss you so damned much. This would have been our first Christmas together as a family - married, the baby would've been born just before Thanksgiving...
I'm trying not to think of all that I had and lost, but it's so hard baby. This time last year was truly the most wonderful time of my life, because of you. Back then, when our life was "perfect" for the simple fact that we were head over heels in love and together at last... never could I have ever imagined in my worst nightmare that in just one year things would be terribly altered forever.
This time last year we were making plans for our future, for the family we were creating. We'd always be together, we said. Together forever - for all of eternity. If you hear me when I talk to you, you know I've been thinking about that quite a lot lately... to be together again -well... even if it isn't possible, I'd rather be nowhere at all than here on this earth without you.
Thank you, my love, for the chance to get to know you. For the chance to hold you, to love you and be loved by you, to be with you... your absence hurts so damn much, baby, but the time I was able to spend with you was worth every second of this agony of loss.
My life... without you... with all it's hurt and lonliness, has not been in vain because I shared but a moment of it with you. My angel, my one and only true love - I miss you more and more each day. Keep watching for me darling, until I come home to stay. For all of eternity I will cherish and love you my sweet Joshua.
Melissa


----------



## E-girl

^^^ melissa i cant tell you how happy i am you chose that line for your sig.  it's my favorite line too from this particular piece, and to me, is kind of the defining line of josh himself.


----------



## Angelight

Happy new year sweet angel.


----------



## Trancey

.


----------



## NeWBoRN

.


----------



## Angelight

i would give give just about anything to tell you in person how things are going in my life...you would be so happy for me, so happy for us...and yet i know you are smiling down saying "i told you so".
miss you so much josh. 
Angel and Dave


----------



## femmme fatal

.


----------



## cherub

somedays i think of you two often then others, today was that day for whatever reason.


----------



## Angelight

^^^ oopsy, thank you so much for reminding me of that thread.
Josh, i miss you so.


----------



## E-girl

me too.


----------



## Angelight

thinking of you.


----------



## Griff

Dear friend,
I beg of you, tell me please... you, who are my most cherished confidant and empyreal friend,  
Do you hear me?
When I expose my tired and wounded heart to the starry darkness and whisper silent prayers to the sky for someone to heal me;
or when I search the diamond and ebony heavens, pursuing the impossible dream of finding that precious star, around which your soul flies so freely,
Do you hear me?
When I release the painful secrets that I can trust to you alone;
when I struggle to wash clean the stains on my soul, desprately needing the help of the truest friend I have ever known,
Do you hear me?
When I summon the strength to release my jealously guarded pain, sorrow and fears;
when the cold drops of my frozen emotions finally melt and give me the freedom to shed my carefully hoarded tears,
Do you hear me?
Is it you that gives me the strength to fill the weak and empty caverns in my wounded heart?
Is it you that reached down a hand and used your love to help piece together a soul torn apart?
Do you hear me?
Is it your strength that helps me holds on to an unshakeable conscience and guides me into doing what I know is right?
Do you hear my silent weeping from your distant star; and do you feel the pain of my pathetic plight?
Do you hear me?
Were you with me when I sought to burn away my senseless anger by thrusting my soul once again into that perilous flame?
Did you cry for me as I took that dark journey alone; searching for truth, finding only shame?
Do you hear me?
Are you the reason my spirit feels cleansed and my mind has become clear?
Are you the reason I fight to strengthen those noble aspects of my soul I long ago held dear?
Do you hear me? 
I know that you do, and I thank you. Though they feel paltry and unworthy to express the gratitude I feel in my heart for what you have given me, these three words are the only way I can tell you what you mean to me. If I pour all of my gratitude and grateful love into them, I know you will understand. 
Is it you that heals my pain? For this, I thank you.
Is it you that hears my prayers? For this, I thank you.
Is it you that sooths my frantic fears? For this, I thank you.
Is it you who gently mends my fragile heart? For this, I thank you.
Is it you who gentled the sorrow I once wore with selfish pride? For this I thank you.
Is it you who has given me this chance to make a new and honest start? For this, I thank you.
Is it you?
Do you hear me? 
Do you see me? 
Do you care for me?
These questions I ask of you, with a smile in my heart, and the strength that I have received from knowing with every scrap of my being, that you do. Without a shred of doubt, I know that you do.
For your gift of strength, I thank you.
For your gifts of love and courage shared freely in the dark and lonely times when I most needed you, I thank you.
Above all that you have done for me, I thank you most for guiding those lost souls whose need to feel your strength and know of your endless love far outways any petty need of mine.
For them too, I thank you.
You have become the compass that shows us the true way along the intricate paths of our lives. You are the shepherd gently guiding us closer to our true selves.
For your guidance, I thank you.
I thank you lastly for the gift of courage we receive from you; that blissful courage that allows those of us who know you to walk fearlessly through this uncertain existence once more, brave and strong in our knowledge that as long as we keep your soul strong in our hearts, we will never be alone.
For this, I thank you.
Hundreds more gifts have been selflessly given, for each of these, I owe you my thanks as well. And for as long as you are willing to listen, I will share them all with you; though it may take a lifetime, I am strong in my faith that you will be there to listen.
For this also, I thank you.
You were Josh to some, a son, a brother, a friend, a Husband and Father to still more. Though you were always Spedlie to me. What we knew you as as does not matter. Simply that we knew and loved you is enough. For once you love someone, you will always carry them with you in your heart. I love you. I love you with the fierce love of a brother, competive and loyal to the end. You alone are the brother of my spirit. There exists a strong and solid knot that joines the two threads of our souls together in the tapestry of life. We may have come from different families, but you have always been my brother.
For this, I thank you.
And finally, I thank you for listening. That alone has helped me more than you may ever know.
Thank you.
Your eternally grateful friend,
Craig to some, Griff to you.
P.S.
I would also like to thank those of you who are reading this from a slightly more physical plane of existence, and those of you who have posted previous replies to this thread. The strength that I gatherd from your honest and love-filled replies has given me the courage to say what should have been said long ago. 
For this I thank *you* Bluelight.
Sincerly,
Griff and Craig. Two personalities sharing one body and mind. Which is the real me? You decide, 'cause I sure as hell can't tell the difference.
[ 20 January 2003: Message edited by: Griff ]


----------



## Spencer

-Respect-
Josh, You're still in my thoughts. I miss you.


----------



## chrissie

"...i cry for all those out there that havent felt such beautiful love
i cry even harder for those who have felt this, and lost
i could not explain these things in words
my heart goes out to you
even more so,
my tears"


----------



## Nik137

Reading this filled my empty lonely night.  It made me cry; but at the same time; it felt perfect.  Perfect tears.  I read it over & over, I wish I could express more, but I keep coming back to the word, Perfect.  Perfectly expressed, absolutly beautiful.


----------



## Dagny

I think I asked you once, and we couldn't come up with an answer.
How is it possible for your heart to be broken and put back together all in an instant?  
I do remember you laughing though.  Because it didn't matter, all that did matter was that one moment, right then, with us laughing.  It all mattered and it will for as long as I am capable of love.


----------



## E-girl

i bet they made you an angel, wherever you are,
because sometimes i still feel you watching over me... and when i want to give up hope, you are that hand that grabs me and wont let me jump.  for that... i thank you.


----------



## Bi KaNd*E* RaVeR

I needed this today... 
this whole week.
i think about it all the time..
and when i _need_ it.. is when i miss u the most
[ 24 January 2003: Message edited by: Bi KaNd*E* RaVeR ]


----------



## raverdave

missing your kind words of encouragement so very much today.
missing you always...


----------



## yoUr bLiSS

i did not know you, nor do i know how you were taken from this world. i actually just found this out. i spent hours today searching and crying over you and all those you have touched. your spirit obviously lives on. thank you for sharing it with us.....


----------



## nephil




----------



## Angelight

the sun was shining in my face on this cold cold day, and i thought of you, because in this wierd way i got this sense you shine down just like the sun.
miss you spedster, more than you could imagine.


----------



## Angelight

bump


----------



## Trancey

[No message]


----------



## konsept

Nice little writing.story. Much props.


----------



## beanergrl

flower- i am so,so sorry. i read this thread along time ago and i just thought the reason it was so long was because it was such a good piece. today ,i decided to check why it was still going at 8 pages, and well, i'm just devastated for you. i wanted to say that i was very happy for you both when you moved to georgia. i thought it was cool that two people could find each other like this and it seemed as though you were going off for your future.
i read this the morning and it has stood out in my mind so i came back to post this. i loved how when he wrote he always had so much feeling in his words. and he took the time to let all the people he cared about know that he loved them. 
flower, i know all we have with each other are a few lively debates, but you will be in my prayers now even though it comes late. may God give you all the peace and strength you need to get through this difficult time.


----------



## Angelight




----------



## Angelight

i think of you countless times during the day josh.
Happy 
	

	
	
		
		

		
		
	


	




 day angel
[ 13 February 2003: Message edited by: Angelight ]


----------



## Housekid5

[No message]


----------



## bisKi

woke up today and thought of this piece. still brings a teary eye no matter how many times i've read it.


----------



## E-girl

happy valentine's day josh!


----------



## Diamonds

Happy Valentines Day Angel!!  Miss you


----------



## MiNiMoWs

*bump*


----------



## faithfully dangerous

.bump.


----------



## Angelight

When i think about you in the morning, i think of you all day.
Missing you Josh.


----------



## Dagny

Baby boy, I need you today.


----------



## droptop

Damn. . .
that hit me with emotions I had long since fogotten about.  Thank you.  Keep up the great work.


----------



## raverdave

^^ *sighs*
josh be with us today.
Ange & Dave


----------



## Housekid5

josh is the luckiest one here to have a wife that has so much love for him
may he be with god,
and may god be with her


----------



## E-girl

hi josh   
missing you...
wish you were still here filling our forum with your wonderful insights and heartfelt emotions...


----------



## Flower

One year ago today, you and I sat nervously, holding hands and giggling, as we waited our turn to be married in that tiny Florida courthouse chapel.
I remember the way you tenderly cupped my face in your big strong hands, looked deep into my eyes and asked me, "are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with me?" I remember the tears welling up in my eyes in competition with the indescribable emotions welling up inside... the butterflies in my stomach fluttered around with a buzz of anxiety, exhilaration, awe, and above all else, overwhelming and unmatched love for you. I remember barely being able to mouth a silent, "yes" before your lips covered mine and your tender kiss melted away any small remnants of doubt that may have been lurking within that anxiety.
I remember holding hands under the ivy-speckled arch as we spoke our vows to each other. I remember our decision to change the typical, "until death do us part" to "for all of eternity" - as if a part of us knew somehow that we would be separated by that inevitable, final foe all too soon. I remember our first kiss as a married couple... and the way we giggled as we formed our new odd-sounding titles: husband and wife. 
I remember the drive home... the way we knew that for perhaps the first time in both of our lives, we had made a decision based on a leap of faith that was so true, so right... so perfect that it left no room for doubt or regret. Perhaps it was the exhilaration we felt, or maybe just the fact that we were young and head over heels in love, but I recall not being able to keep our hands off each other as we left the car and started up the stairs to our apartment. You were so incredibly sweet as you lifted me up into your arms and carried me across the threshold... disrobing me along the way...  I remember our lovemaking, as we consummated our newly formed nuptials. I remember how different it felt... so intense... perhaps it was that intensity that encouraged us to throw caution out the window... was it that very moment that we conceived our child? 
While we both were unbelievably happy over our decision to wed, I believe you were more upset than I was that we weren't able to have the "perfect wedding" - it was, after all, your idea to hold a formal wedding and reception in one year, when we could afford to do so... you were so excited, wanting to plan the entire ceremony, only asking that I "show up and be beautiful as always."
That wedding ceremony and reception would have happened today. One year after our actual date of marriage was the plan... I admit that I too was excited over being able to share our joy and happiness with our family and friends, but never as concerned about it as you. You wanted only the best for me, and were determined to make sure I received that... you wanted me to have the perfect wedding that girls dream about.
I wish you were here so that I could tell you... that you would know that despite being unable to have a formal ceremony, a beautiful gown, and the chance to recite our vows again in the company of the people we held dear to us... I did have the perfect wedding. It was perfect because it was with you. To me, it never mattered if we followed tradition - all that mattered was that we were able to formalize our relationship and become as close in the eyes of the law and before God as we were in heart and spirit.
My darling... I love you with all my heart. I have since the day I first laid eyes on you, and I will love you until the end of time. I can't say that life has been easy since you left, or that every day I don't wake up in agonizing pain over your absence, but the life I did have with you, as short as it may have been, was worth every moment of this pain. Our marriage was like writing a story together, only ours was much too short, and I'll have to figure out how this will end all by myself.  
I'm not sure how much longer I can endure this life without you, it is so very difficult to bear the thought that you no longer experience the worlds many pleasures and pains… its bittersweet rhythm that keeps us all pressing forward…  it is indescribably difficult having to be without you; and this life without you is a life far more difficult to bear than any form of death could ever be. My pain is not wholly selfish... while I am bereft to being resigned to living in a world no longer graced by your presence, I am more so despondent that I failed you before you left this world. I will forever ache over the fact that your life was extinguished before I had the chance to truly let you know just how beautiful you were, and just what a gift that knowledge was.  
I never had the chance to let you know that the excitement I felt over you never diminished with time – quite the contrary. Your last smile was the brightest I've ever witnessed; our last kiss was the sweetest ever. My stomach constantly filled with nervous agitation whenever your gaze fell upon me, as if it were the first time all over again. How I relished holding your hands, kissing your lips, not having to speak because you already knew what I was thinking. How I loved all that you were… passionate, virile, bright, strong, warm, fascinating, so distinctly male, unbelievably loving.
I am forever grateful that the last words I spoke to you were, "I love you" and yet, there is so much more I wish “I love you” could have expressed. If only it could have let you know that you were the reason that I woke up in the morning, that you were and are still the first thing I think about and the last thing I think about each and every day. If only that paltry phrase could have communicated just how much I trusted and loved you… far beyond what I ever thought possible. I wish it could have told you just how brilliant, kind, interesting, understanding, funny, talented, beautiful, and amazing you were, and how much you challenged me, and forced me to grow in every way conceivable. If only that tiny phrase conveyed, in no uncertain terms, how you filled me up completely, and that I trembled at the knowledge of how well we fit together: our bodies and our minds alike, as if perhaps we were one soul in two forms, finally united at last.
My life with you changed me at the very core. Through loving you, and being loved by you, I became the woman I was always meant to be. I have felt that slipping away every minute of every day since you've been gone... as if that part of me died along with you. In this lesson, as in all others, I've learned... being a widow is akin to hiking uphill with a full backpack... for the first few miles or so the sharp edges jab you in the ribs as you shoulder and attempt to readjust your load. Over time you shake it down and learn that while still heavy, you can carry it better so that it isn't poking you all of the time. This sort of pain and grief doesn't abide by the rules - there are those out there that speak of ludicrous notions like "closure" and "healing" but no amount of time can heal the wound of a broken heart. You don't learn to live with the pain - rather the pain becomes incorporated into who you are, it becomes a part of you forever, as does the heaviness of heart and despondence of spirit.
Early on in this journey, I made an attempt to reach out to other widows, and learned that for some the pain slowly eases... for others it remains constant but does not come as often. Then there are the ones like me... the ones for which the pain gets worse until a new pain is added to the old as one is tormented. For these unlucky few, despite all one does in an attempt to heal, to somehow sew up that gaping wound of loss it just keeps getting worse... we are the ones that realize that our spouses were luckier than us.
Life has become a cruel place for me, as one of the most constant facets of life has become glaringly apparent: everybody always loses everybody they love... yet we need to love them anyway... because there isn't anything else. I went through a very dark period of time just a few days ago, as I seriously considered just checking out and forgetting about all of this pain... I spoke to Amy, and we talked about reason and purpose... those things we never know we need to keep on driving us until we've lost them. You and I both wore our hearts on our sleeves; we both sacrificed and dedicated all of who we were for love. In you, with you, I discovered my reason for being, the intrigue and exaltation of our love drove me forever forward – it truly was my sole motivation, my sole purpose of this existence. I was blessed that this life had given me love, for it was that love that gave me life. Love was our purpose and through it we found our meaning. It drove us, motivated us, and gave us sense in this cruel world of senselessness. Nothing was too difficult to handle so long as we were together, there was nothing so insurmountable or painful that we could not overcome with each other by our sides. In losing you I lost what gave me purpose in life and in doing that lost myself along the way.
Now that you're gone, I wake up every day and it's a true struggle just to find a reason to get out of bed, nevertheless a reason to keep on going, to keep going through the motions until I'm finally allowed to leave this place of torment. I think that the hardest thing we as human beings have to come to grips with is that nothing lasts forever. Just when I thought my life was as perfect as it could ever be, "meaning" in my life was gone along with you on that terrible July morning. The universe is ferociously indifferent to death... I've found it difficult to believe that we are any different from anything else that lives, and then dies. Many people, based on their various beliefs and theories hold onto that illusion that something matters, that there is some sort of plan or purpose to all of this, so much larger than us that we are unable to grasp the meaning in it all. I used to be one of those people. Nowadays, I tend to fall on the belief that perhaps the only "meaning" in life is the possibility of love and connectedness with other people... at least I know that was the meaning in our lives, and I am grateful for every day we were able to experience that with each other. At least we had that, if only for a short while. At least I got to know you baby... at least I got to hold you... to love you. What's that old cliché? It is better to have love and lost, than to have never loved at all...
My love for you was and still remains all encompassing, it is the one thing that has not been torn away from me with your departure from this world. I would have and still would surrender anything for you, gladly, as I am devoted to you right down to the very core of my being. I am in this for eternity, my life joined with yours through love, sacrifice, and commitment, forever. Together we went through difficult times… our lives often filled with trials that tested our inner strength, and more importantly, our devotion and love for one another.  I want you to know that I do believe true love to be boundless and immeasurable… I believe it can overcome all forms of adversity – even death, and when it is genuine, will only grow stronger with each assault upon its existence.
For the rest of my life, and further than that if there is indeed anything beyond this world, I promise you will have my undying and everlasting love. My devotion to you has always been eternal, and would exist even if you had not loved me in return, though admittedly, the knowledge that you did love me makes my entire dedication that much sweeter and poignant. The remembrance of your love for me is a gift itself that I will never fully believe myself worthy of. With pleasure I would renounce all that is here and all that may lie beyond the grave for you... Though your absence has gone through me like a threaded needle through my soul, everything I am having been stitched with its color, I have no regrets surrounding the life we shared, save one: that it was over far too soon. It is that fact that drives my new, far darker motivation... to join you wherever you are, even if that is nowhere at all. 
In this struggle I am alone and lost; you are no longer here to support me, to help me through this struggle, to give me your blinding, uncompromising love that always led me through my darkest moments. Holding on and hanging in there are viewed by many as signs of great strength... I'm at a crossroads now where I'm beginning to believe that there are times when it takes far greater strength to just let go... with being with you and our child as a goal, I could be strong enough to let go... I just wish I knew the right thing to do, I wish I could ask you what your hopes were for me, I wish so many things... One year ago today you asked me if I would love you for the rest of my life, and I wish you were still here and could know the answer to that question is still unequivocably _yes_... the only question before me now is how much longer that will be.
Happy anniversary, baby… I love you with all my heart and with every fiber of my very being, Joshua. I will love you through all of eternity.
Your babygirl, forever... Lissa


----------



## Spencer

Come Here,
Stand in front of the light.
Stand Still,
So I can see your silouette.
I hope that you have got all night,
Cause I am not done looking at you...
Yet.


----------



## Crow

((((Flower))))


----------



## raverdave

I love you Mel, with all of my heart.  You will forever be my little sister.  
I miss you.


----------



## amaryllis

Mel...I don't even know what to say.  
But know this:  You are loved, you are missed, you (both of you) touched my life, and because of you and Josh, I came to understand the definition of true love.  That's something that will stay with me forever.  And I feel honored to have borne witness firsthand to something so pure and so beautiful.  
My heart goes out to you on this day, and every day.
~amary


----------



## Angelight

Melissa, if only you could know how much i truly think of you on a daily basis.  I hope someday soon, we get to see you...
I have nothing enlightening to say here, besides the fact that you are in my heart forever.  We love you.


----------



## E-girl

happy anniversary.


----------



## Goddess

always in our hearts.
V & J


----------



## fizzygirl

you were everything with him..but you are still you without him 
a sad you, a lonely you, but still a melissa..which is good in and of itself
((mel))


----------



## Flower

...I'm having trouble today baby...
I'll be homeless come Saturday, and I dunno where to go or what to do... if you still exist in some form, please, *please*... tell me what to do, where to turn... I'm lost without you...
I'm nothing without you.
Nothing.
For the first time since your death, I dreamt of you last night. Perhaps it was the pain meds or the benzos, but whatever the reason, I saw you again, even if only in my dream. You were sick... I cleaned you up and then cried as you were whisked away from me... I followed you to where you were... we were in the middle of the desert, all alone, but safe and secure in the knowledge that we were together...
Was this a dream only? Or was this a message... you know all too well I would follow you to the ends of the earth and beyond...
I'm lost. I'm alone. I'm afraid. I need you. I need your guidance and help now more than ever.
I am so terrified right now.


----------



## MiNiMoWs

melissa, i wish i could hug you right now, or come over and make some tea for you and be your shoulder to cry on.  i wish i could tell you that it's all going to be okay, but i can't imagine what it must be like for you.  i think about you a lot.  i just wanted you to know that. love, barbie


----------



## E-girl

when i'm having a rough day, or a bad streak of luck, or i'm worried about something, i find myself talking to josh too.  its weird... i've lost a lot of people in my years, and he's the only one out of all of them that i never even met.  but he's the first one i think to talk to.  its this strong feeling that i know he's listening.
he'll hear you melissa.


----------



## Flower

Since Joshua died, every time I've posted to this thread it has been because my heart was breaking all over again... a memory had stirred, a recalled moment in time that made me feel as though I were falling apart, my world crumbling at my feet again, my self coming apart at the seams. 
This is _not_ one of those times, surprisingly. I'm currently taking a break from packing all of my worldly possessions as I'm moving tomorrow, off to greener pastures (even if they are frozen ones), going from one hellish state (NJ) to another (OH). But, on the upside, I _do_ get to spend all my time with Sir Love Bandit and his lovely wife   
Ok, ok so I'm not posting here in desperation or angst... so why AM I posting here? Because something just happened that made me laugh, in a bittersweet way, and I wanted to share that moment with those of you who show so much concern and care for me.
A bit of background: Joshua and I moved from Florida to Atlanta in March of 2002. Because we were staying with his family, about 90% of our belongings remained in boxes during our stay there, and those same boxes remained untouched during my stay here in New Jersey.
Well tonight I decided to repack those old boxes, to make them easier to handle and pack them more efficiently, seeing as how Josh did most of the packing the first time around, in Florida. What I discovered a few moments ago made me realize just how well taken care of that boy was... and what happened when he was left to his own devices. You see... I just opened up our microwave only to find a package of English Muffins stuffed inside. *ONE YEAR OLD* English Muffins. They look like some poor kids science project that went horribly, horribly wrong. This made me laugh... it was so like Josh to put things in the oddest places... he'd often times lose the TV remote only to find it in a cupboard or even in the refrigerator... *shakes head*
I thought repacking these boxes would be unbearable, as they are bringing back SO many memories of the life he and I shared. And yet, for some reason, I keep finding reasons to smile rather than cry. It's not just the moldy muffins either... it's finding again the things we picked out together when we got our own place... it's finding the cassette player we used while packing that first time in Florida with the cassette still inside, and listening to it while I pack again.
Does this mean I'm "moving on" - and I don't mean just to a different state - I dunno. But it's something that I've needed. This is the first time since he died that I've allowed myself to go through his things... I didn't think I could bear it, and yet here I am, laughing at the memory of his goofiness...
My last post to this thread was a desperate plea for help and guidance from him. I never expected to recieve a thing... yet here I am. Wonders never cease.
*E-girl*


> he'll hear you melissa
> ...I think you just might be right about that.
> Thank you... all of you. It is so much easier to type while smiling than while brushing away tears.
> Melissa


----------



## harraser

*hugs*


----------



## L O V E L I F E

Love to you.


----------



## Dakeva

Love you Melissa.


----------



## Dagny

I won't even pretend that I'm not blissful to hear that you're going to stay with our Reedly.  It's quite a decision you've made, and I'm fully aware of the implications of it.  You're going to live again, then, and thank goodness for that love. 

I may even have to go to Ohio now, although I swore it off before.... too many beautiful things in Ohio for me to stay away long.

Love you Mel.


----------



## Crow

Please tell me you threw those English Muffins away 

((MEL))


----------



## cherub

*MELISSA * 

please get a hold of me ASAP,,,,, i sent an email to your addresses listed,,, 

 you are not alone girl,


----------



## Flower

*harraser, Oopsz, L O V E L I F E, Dakeva*






  Thank you - I love you guys 

*Dags*

Still adjusting to those decisions (one is resolved, which brought me here, the other is on hiatus), but yeah, I'm here for now... a good portion of that decision making process was greatly helped out by the present company, so... thanks love  We'll talk soon I hope? Sent you an email...

*Crow*

What are you kidding? I fed-ex'd them to Audie (they sorta look like chocolate chip cookies now... well... if chocolate chip cookies had a greenish tint to them, anyway)   I was telling someone about them and said that I hadn't laughed that hard since Josh's funeral... I forgot that he wasn't AT the funeral, so that probably didn't come out wight... er... RIGHT.  

*Cherub*

Got yer message... I'll email ASAP 

-------------

Thanks guys... I love you all and by the way...

*OHIO SUCKS ASS* Yes, even MORE than New Jersey (didn't think it was possible). There is some comfort in knowing that Joshua is laughing his ass off at me I'm sure (two days before moving I wind up w/a kidney stone and a sprained ankle AND I'm not even smart enough to get any good painkillers for 'em) then move to OHIO (oh how I wince even to type that word...) I'm a walking catastrophe, I tell you. My only hope is that my propensity for bad luck will somehow spill over onto Reed and he'll get fired and have to move :D Of course, I'm kidding... any time spent with Sir Reedly is time well spent, regardless of the surroundings - as I'm sure all of the above know and agree with.

Hmmmm what else... oh! Now that entire Werenobi situation makes perfect sense to me... if I'd lived in this godforsaken state my whole life, I might growl at Dakeva, too  8)  One less item on my "WTF List" of things I'd like to understand before I die *shrug*

*sigh* I miss you guys. Come visit? Puhleaaaeeaase?? Really, it's not THAT bad here, I was just um, exaggerating.  

MUAH kiddies... thanks for making my day a whole lot better. I'm finally not feeling so alone these days... wierd... *shrug*

Melissa

PS No yelling at me for emoticon abuse.... this is the first time I've posted since the fantabulous new changes... Er.... mostly fantabulous changes... no more "Bluelight Crew"? I feel so... non-elitist. Oh well  
--
_...wish you were here sweetheart... missing you as always... love you forever..._

.


----------



## chrissie

^^^
if you need to get out of hellhio you can come to ct anytime!  its not great, but its better than there or joisey  

i think about you guys more than youll ever know.  
*much love to you*


----------



## Flower

^^

Thanks sweetie, and btw, Happy Anniversary to you two as well - I think about you both a lot, and hope that you guys are as happy as ever 

MUAH! 

Melissa

.


----------



## papermate

I would like to say that this is my second post here on this thread, and apologise for adding to it if this is not appropiate. i would like to also say that i do not know any of the members mentioned here, other than their postings on bluelight, and obviously the story that is told.

However, after reading the recent posts - i have been able to balance my life in terms of the failed relationship that i have had. I would be lieing to say that i was not hurt, and also not feeling malicious towards the other person, *however*  once again, reading the post i have tears welled in my eyes and realised the warped perspective that i had, and realised how much better i am than the other person. It made me realise that time is precious and that i need not waste it on people who are.... . I can not think of the word, but i mean to describe someone who is hurtful, deceitful, disrespectful, untrusting, undecidied. 

It has made me realise once again, as it did the first time i read it,  that i should hold my hope for love and romance, and not become bitter by the failed relationships that i have experienced. i no longer hold malice. i have moved on. 

For that i sincerly thank you. papermate.


----------



## kiwikr720

I don't remember when it first was that I read this, but like so many others...it made me cry too.  I used the search to find every single one of his writings that was posted and I read all of them...holding onto each word and the images they created.  It's such powerful writing that can stir emotions like this out of nowhere.

And then...I found out that he wasn't with us anymore.  It made me really angry.  I didn't even know him...I didn't even read his writings until he was gone.  But it made me so mad, I'm not sure at who.  He had such an incredible talent and he had so many more things to write, I'm sure of it.  I was angry that it was taken away from him...and I was angry that there were so many people that would never get to read his words...never be aware that he had such a talent.   

Hugs and sentiments go out to all of those who knew him.  Cherish him and your memories of him forever (as I know you will).


----------



## Flower

> *Originally posted by Oopsz *
> _It does my heart good to hear that.  And I severely doubt I'm the only one.  Be well, la fleur. _


{{{Oopsz}}} 
merci, sri...




> *Originally posted by papermate *
> _It has made me realise once again, as it did the first time i read it,  that i should hold my hope for love and romance, and not become bitter by the failed relationships that i have experienced. i no longer hold malice. i have moved on. For that i sincerly thank you. papermate. _


Joshua would be the first one to smile at something good coming out of a tragedy, trust me on that. I'm glad that it helped you, as I'm sure he would be too... and, from personal experience: sounds to me like you're on the right track... don't hold on to bitterness and malice, there are too many precious moments to lose in doing so. Yet, at the same time... don't be too quick to move on with everything; some things are worth holding onto, no matter how much they hurt. 




> *Originally posted by kiwikr720 *
> _He had such an incredible talent and he had so many more things to write, I'm sure of it.  I was angry that it was taken away from him...and I was angry that there were so many people that would never get to read his words...never be aware that he had such a talent._


*sigh* Boy does that hit home. You mentioned that you didn't know him, so you probably don't know me either, but Josh (Spedly) is... was... my husband.

I know all about that anger, being so pissed off both at him and the world that will never be able to experience his true potential. He wasn't just a gifted writer, that boy had something truly special (yes, I'm biased, but just ask half the people who've responded to this thread and I'm sure they'll agree). There was so much inside of him that he wanted to express, and never got the chance to do so...

I'm angry, yes. But also blessed. Not just because I was lucky enough to experience him for who he was and share a portion of our lives together, but because there _is_ more that he did express... so much more he'd written down... some of it personal between the two of us, some of it tucked away and saved to be given to our child someday (who now will never be). And yet still some that I may someday post here or somewhere else, just so that the world will have the oppurtunity to read what came out of his mind and heart... beauty. Pure beauty.

I love him with all of my heart, and I keep coming back to this thread because it helps sometimes to be reminded that I wasn't the only one he reached, deep inside... this thread keeps some part of him alive for me, and for that, I am truly, TRULY grateful.

-Melissa


----------



## Furnace

Furnace said:
			
		

> *quote:
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Love is the best friend anyone could ever ask for.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> 
> Ahh, if only it was that easy...
> *



I posted the first reply to this thread on a very dark day for me.  

I lost a part of the most important friendship I think I've ever had to me that day...

Everytime I saw it bumped, it reminded me of that day, but now...after all this time, it reminds me of how me and my friend have managed to maintain our friendship with each other regardless of the crap that we, as people, have had to deal with.

I thank you for this, and now, after all this time,  I do agree with Josh.

love,
Taz.


----------



## cherub

always returning to this  thread like most of us,  Like it is a light that keeps us  glowing when days are bad. 

This last week, i went a fureral,  first one i have been to in along time,  so many people have left my life, within that last 2 yrs, 
but last friday it hit home for me,    Josh was one of those people on my mind, reminding me of love and life, 

FLower,  you two are always on my mine, reminder of what love is and what life is about.  You have always been  a pilar of strength darlin, even in the worst of times.

Josh gave you even more strength,  this thread is not just about josh , but about you and about teaching all of us, we all can be strong no matter what happens in our lives.

thank you josh

I love you mel. 

Love cin


----------



## Flower

I miss you girl - too much. 


Josh and I were "the Bonny and Clyde of Love" (thank you Amy) and I will never forget that... a love like ours comes once in a million lifetimes...

I miss you.

We'll talk soon. Today I am  too intoxicated and irrational to post or conversate appropriately (forgive me).... but soon... soon... email me (screw those PM's) at lissarae@eml.cc ok? We need to talk... 

Love you girl...

Me


----------



## bisKi

To the mods - 

is there a way to make this thread a sticky thread so it won't 'get lost' among the posts made here? So it'll always be up there with the guidelines. Just thought about it - and it deserves its place up there because it's a good thread.


----------



## faithfully dangerous

bump/ enforce sticky ^^^^ like bisKi_b mentioned.  ...i swear i read this at least once a week, just to keep my head up...   love*


----------



## Angelight

^^ me too.

Melissa, we freaking love you girl.  Like we said a 3 hour drive wouldn't hurt us and now a 11 hour drive won't   *muah*


----------



## Griff

Mel, I love you and Josh like family. I'm truly sorry we were so close and missed seeing each other other. I was looking forward to it very much. I owe you a meetup,  all you have to do is tell me when and where, and I'll be there. I'll do anything I can for you, all you have to do is ask. Please keep in touch, I miss you more than you know. 

Craig.


----------



## neverwas

SpeedLimit55 said:
			
		

> *Outta sight outta mind right? Now if only they'd stop screaming...
> 
> ****
> 
> It's interesting the way humans can find the humor in any situation, at anytime, regardless of the heartbreak or massive level of loss involved...I suppose we really create the humor...sort of an aid to help us deal with it...
> 
> ****
> 
> Sitting on that bench watching the sunset I was by myself....but for the first time in my life I knew...I wasn't alone. *


----------



## Flower

To whomever suggested it (and seconded the motion) and to the mods who did so - thanks for making this a sticky thread...  I know I'm biased, but I like having this post is on the top of the page, knowing the impact it's had on so many people - much like the beloved author himself, methinks.

*(((Ange)))*  I love and miss you and my brother like you wouldn't beleive. I have an email from ya'll with your number... now I just need to use it 

*(((Craig)))* Yeah you bastard - drove all that way and _didn't_ come to see us!! harumph! You definately owe me a meetup - wanna come help me move... .again? Yeah, seems they have this pesky little "no dogs" rule where Mr. Reedly lives, and they just don't understand that Izabelle isn't just _some dog_... *sigh* So - I have to move out by this weekend. <--- more of that spectacular luck/karma/whatever of mine at work, eh?

We found an apartment, but my credit sucks ass thanks to a roommate stiffing me with some bills a long time ago _(thank you, by the way, if you still lurk around, for helping me square that debt away)_. We should find out about the apartment today, I've been sitting by the phone waiting... driving myself nuts basically. If it falls through, *I* might just be coming to visit *YOU* on my drive down to move back to Florida. Or maybe I'll just ask the in-laws if I could move back in with them *grin* 

Whatever happens, you will be seeing me soon, even if it means having a huge meetup in Ohio and making your ass drive right back up here - and making Dave and Ange drive over, too... You all are my family, and I miss the hell out of you, I could use a get-to-gether. 

Love you guys too much for words to express... thank you.


----------



## cherub

Mel, 

I made the post sticky, as it should be   

And girl, you know one you have your angel always watching out for you,, but not only that you have so many people who love you
just put your hand out and you have  more hands then you can count to help you up. 

I love you girl
today of all days mama is down but i come here to know i have such a strong girl,,,, and remember i am gona pester you know.



Josh,
keep a watch over my girl !


----------



## E-girl

*It's been awhile*

Hi josh.  It's been awhile.  I've been so damn busy, ya know?  But I thought I owed you a few quick lines while I'm home today.  How you been?  I know you're probably watching over us, so you know what I've been going through lately... its really tough.  Although it kinda helps knowing I might have a guardian angel up there somewhere  
I've been in this damn depression, and sometimes it's really hard to get out of, but you still, to this day, give me the inspiration that things really aren't as bad as i think they are... and that every rainbow's end has something good waiting for us.  I'm trying to be strong... just like you were.  I wouldn't mind the extra help though, if you can talk to the higher-ups and maybe send some down, that would be great.  
I hope that heaven is treating you good... 
Still miss ya.

Thanks for letting me vent, as always.

*kiss on cheek*

Hi Flower... hope you're doing well in Ohio (as well as one CAN do in ohio, lol).  Let me know if you need anything... you seem happier these days, and that makes me happy.  You deserve it.


----------



## Angelight

like always, i am thinking of you kind heart.

miss you.


----------



## bisKi

reading this again today because i need to remember - especially when i'm starting to falter again.


----------



## onetwothreefour

wow...

i can't believe i'd never read that before. even though i'm a cynical bastard, that was still a really awesome read


----------



## Dagny

Hi baby boy!  Isn't it funny how just when you think you've survived the earthquake, an aftershock can knock you back a few steps again?  You're on my mind lately (which isn't new), and I still draw so much from our friendship (also not new)... I'm gonna make you proud of me, I swear it.  Some days it's impossible to want to strive to live up to my own ambitions for myself, and when that happens I bank on knowing the me that you knew I could be. 

People let me down now and then, Josh.  Even those that I care so much about and give so much of myself to (and don't think I don't know, it's my choice to do that, there is no blame here) turn out to be different from how I'd imagined or hoped.  Things that are important to me aren't all that big for them, and it can bring hurt when I'm not expecting any.  You, my dear, could never have been one of those people.  Because love was the only thing we ever gave a lot of weight to when it came to each other, it's the one priority that I could always count on you having.  I still count on you, on my memories of how life used to be, on my dreams of how my life could be... I forgot for a while, but you'll always be the one to remind me to count on myself too.  Thanks for that.  god I miss you...


----------



## Flower

^^ I miss you.


----------



## DJLA

^ hey girl.  i just was catching up on it all again, and i know you've just gotten to OH and I know we've just met, but i pledge to do whatever i can to help you not hate Ohio so much.


----------



## titania

i read this post when josh first posted it and thought it was amazing...since i heard what happened, i haven't felt that i'd be able to come back and read it, cause i thought that my heart would break...

today, so long afterwards i managed and am so glad that i did...my heart did break and i cried right the way through, but flower, your strength is an inspiration, you and josh inspired so many people and will always continue to. You've been through so much, more than anyone should ever have to go through and yet you are so positive and strong!

i never met either of you, but read many of your posts...you're both amazing! I really hope that time has made things easier and that you get all of the good things that you deserve, because you deserve only good! 

Your strength truly inspires me...

xxx


----------



## cherub

Josh, 
Yeah sorry about disturbing your girl yesterday but I think she was happy with the news,, It is time for her to see her mama
She needs to feel my love in person for her. Thank you for letting her know it is time

I will hug her so hard for you when i see her. All the strength you have put into her, more then she already have. Josh i wish i  was going to be seeing you both, but you know izzie is doing her best to protect her,,, i hope i am doing best as her mama to be there too.

You know what she is going through and me too,,, I do my best to help, if i could only help more. Soon she will see the mountains and look up at the star you are in the sky. 

love 
cin


----------



## raverdave

I know i am under Dave's name joshy,but in a sense this is from both of us anyway.  I know i havn't wrote on here in a while, my life has been crazy hectic...school..and work...and trying to learn how to be a good wife.  Sometimes things are so hectic, i lose sight of how much i appreciate the things around me.  Your one of those things josh...b/c i know you watch over us and help us get through everyday.  

Miss you with all my heart.
Ange


----------



## honEbee

Even though I was on the board when all this happened I didn't understand what was going on.  Now going back and reading all this stuff makes me happy and sad at the same time.  Happy that there are so many caring people out there supporting flower after this trauma and sad that I missed out on knowing this incredible person named Josh.


----------



## Cyc

I want to lock this thread.

But not to lock anything out - I want to lock everyone who posted in. 

You've all understayed your welcome... considerably.

fuck


----------



## E-girl

*hey josh*

I'm having a tough time again josh.  Are you watching this whole bit of drama from up there?  I'm looking for some kind of guidance... some answers... motivation.  I had to go back and read this again today for strength, and I got it.  I dont know if i got the answers i was looking for, but i got other things out of it.  i miss you.  i wish you could come back and write something new for me to find meanings in... i really do.

i hope they are taking care of you up there.


----------



## Flower

I'm faltering baby.

It's late and I can't sleep... when I close my eyes the internal home movies start to play, each causing a pang of heartache at the images of your seraphic smile, the sound of your laugh, the way your eyes would light up...

Some days are better than others. This is not one of those days. Funny, how people "admire" my "strength" - laughable really. I'm not strong. I'm not even living anymore... I'm on auto-pilot, just going through the motions, a shell of who I used to be. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I've completely lost my way.

I miss you more than words could ever hope to express. Every minute of every hour of every day, my love.

*sigh*


----------



## Dagny

You know how I feel, Mel.  And I'll talk to you soon.


----------



## dr seuss

there will be sunshine again.


----------



## E-girl

thanks, for the hope....


----------



## DJLA

to have loved you with so much passion...

it just breaks my heart.


----------



## Griff

Happy Father's Day Josh, may you spend it with those you love.  I have thought about you a great deal today.  Every time my thoughts have touched anywhere near you, my mind’s eye opened and showed me a vision of your family. I see all three of you spending the day together, whole and healed at last and with each radiant face shining brilliantly with shared love and joy.  After awile my own face turns to chaos as I lose my sweet dream to the clash of a slow smile curving my lips and bitter tears of flowing from my eyes.  There is nothing in the world for which my desire burns hotter or my need more desperate than to share such a day. One single day spent sheltered by the warmth of your family, peacefully soaking in the powerful warmth and love so freely given, and so joyfully received.  There is no way yet, I can not yet join you, nor can you join me. I will wait then, and I will be content to keep you pictured thus in my heart, forever remembering you as in my dream, everything so right, and everyone filled with that wonderful love and happiness.  

Until we meet again, your brother and friend,

Craig.


----------



## Flower

Happy Father's Day my love. Take good care of our baby. I love you both with all my heart, for all of eternity.  






((Craig))


----------



## Griff

Mel, if you feel like catching up, please shoot me an email, I’d like to hear from you.  I've made some poor decisions lately and seriously neglected my friends for far too long. I want to start making amends before everyone forgets about me.   There are some good people around here that I'd like to get back in touch with (especially you!).  No one can afford to throw away good friends, least of all me. 

As for the rest of you schmucks, you're all welcome to email too, I'd like to talk to/hear from just about everyone ('cept that crowE guy). I apologize for my extended absence and I'll try to send out a What's-Griff-Been-Up-Too letter in a few days. 

Best Regards,  
Griffiepoo.


----------



## Diamonds

Happy Fathers Day Josh -- I have missed you this year.  

Don't worry Mel, he is taking wonderful care of your baby..  Griff and Mel -- my thoughts are with you all the time.. I am always here for you.  

I will never forget you guys..


----------



## E-girl

*tears*

ya know josh, every time i read this, i take something different out of it.



> Since a real man doesn't cry, I turned my head to the side. Choking back the lump in my throat and refusing to let my eyes tear up...I took a deep breath.
> "Every chance I get".



i keep telling myself to be thankful for what i have, even though sometimes it feels like that's not much.  i'm so in love with this person, who i thought loved me too, and now its like he looks right through me, just like the one before him, and the one before him... its so hard to love someone that much and have them just push you aside all the time.  sometimes i have to go back and read all the things you wrote, and i'm so jealous of what melissa had... i'm so jealous that there's love like that out there in the world, and it feels like i just give and give until i can't give anymore and feels like i'm not getting anything back.  and i know if you were here you'd probably tell me to just be grateful that i even have someone in my life who is as good to me as he is, and i know that i'm fortunate for him to still be here, when melissa only has your memory to cling to.  so i'm ashamed of myself for wanting more, but at the same time, i wish to God that i have what you had with her.... to know what it felt like to be loved that much, even just for one day. 

its strange, how we find one person in life who changes everything for us.  The way we live, the way we see the world.  I really believe you found that person when you found her.  I can't imagine what it must be like to have that person beside you, and then one day, to not have them there anymore.  What it must be like to wake up in the middle of the night, and they are not there beside you.  Even though these days he sleeps with his back to me, he is still there.  

I haven't been able to write lately.  I've tried, but my thoughts are so scattered these days that i dont really even know WHAT i'm feeling.  i feel like my life is missing something, but i dont know what.  I went back and read this piece again today, looking for the answers that i'm always looking for, and if nothing else, i took some strength out of it.  And i have to admit, i cried.  A lot.  I dont know what it is that keeps me coming back here.  Usually i dont even have to go back and read it, i practically know the whole thing word for word; but today, sitting here alone in my room, reading the words that you once wrote, emotion overtook me.  I got to thinking about all these issues i have in my life.  And i wish i could sign onto AIM and you would give me some of your good advice.  but that cant be.  

i just want to say thanks... for writing this once upon a time.  it still gives me hope, strength, and wisdom.  And it reminds me that love is still the most important thing we can have.  Even if you just keep giving it and giving it....


----------



## oongie

i was just so touched by this writing and i have to let the world know. 

you touched my soul.  thank you for putting into words the emotions all of us share... not all of us can put it the way you do.. and i thank you again.

peace & love


----------



## Dagny

Hey you.  July 3 came and went... I smiled the whole day, couldn't help myself.  Now the next day was a different story but we are the masters of trading a good day for a bad one, no complaints.

I talked to Mel today, baby boy.  And I could hear her smiling over the phone lines from thousands of miles away, the joy is back in her life sweetie.  Told you she'd be stronger than ever, your love does that for people ya know.  So you don't worry about us, enjoy the sunrises from where you are and I'll talk to you soon.  Damn how I love you.  


Griff: tried emailing ya, tried calling.  Find me sweetie.  I sure could stand a dose of you in my life right now - and at anytime for that matter.


----------



## kriss

I guess not a lot of people look at this forum.  Still thinking of you, josh.


----------



## bisKi

kriss said:
			
		

> *I guess not a lot of people look at this forum.  *



I still read this thread every now and then - to remind me of the wonders of love and to appreciate what I have now.

And this piece still makes me cry everytime I read it. 

*edit* tah Kitty  */edit*


----------



## PsychoKitten

^^^ it is sticky... always has been in here.

Traffic is pretty good in here, and this is a thread that gets returned to over and over again.

I come here myself for comfort whenever I'm at my jaded and bitter worst... I hope Josh realises what impact his words have left on the world and how many lives he has touched.


----------



## EloquentScream

Hi, Josh. 

...

I hope you liked your notes and that you're pleased with the pine tree. It's called _Oren_. 

Love you.


----------



## Flower

I love you, Lauren.

(And it goes without saying... I love you my angel Joshua... and miss you more than words can ever express.)


----------



## EloquentScream

^^ I love you too. 
I'll give you a call soon, dearest.


----------



## E-girl

Hi Josh.  its been awhile.

My poetry database on my website crashed last week and i spent all week rebuilding it.  when i got to putting your poem back in, i must have read it over again another 3 times or so.  i had this lump in the back of my throat, and i forced myself not to cry in the computer lab.  This wasn't the only poem of yours I added to my site.  i made sure that anything you've ever written on BL Words forum was duplicated in my own little collection.  You will live on in those word... not only to touch your fellow BLers, but to touch many other people who didnt even know you, or of you.

i still think about you.  and flower.... i hope you're doing ok.


----------



## bisKi

This brought smiles again and I realised something - that I haven't really said thanks.

Thank you for this.


----------



## L O V E L I F E

I suggest that this beautiful piece be "stickied" in _Words_ *in addition* to here.

Love to you Flower.


----------



## Angelight

Hi Joshy,

I knows it been quite some time.  But i ust really wanted to tell you i miss you so much.  I often think of that sweet face.

love you.
Angela


----------



## neverwas

E-girl said:
			
		

> *I'm having a tough time again josh.  Are you watching this whole bit of drama from up there?  I'm looking for some kind of guidance... some answers... motivation.  I had to go back and read this again today for strength, and I got it.  I dont know if i got the answers i was looking for, but i got other things out of it.  i miss you.  i wish you could come back and write something new for me to find meanings in... i really do.
> 
> i hope they are taking care of you up there. *



after seeing it printed out and stuck on harraser's wall i felt i should read this whole thread  it tears me up to read the sorrow comming out of this thread. but i can also see all the careing and love to.


----------



## Angelight

Hello Joshy,

I was thinking of you today.  Every once and a while life throughs you a few loops, and things go swaying out of hand.  When i think of the hardest time in my life i think of you...i think of you because you were always so supportive, always there to lend an ear, and tell me things would be ok.  I think of you always.  Dave and I are missing you....

Love you Angel,
Ange


----------



## trancesetter21

I'd never read that before!  That's so beautiful


----------



## PsychoKitten




----------



## E-girl

miss ya josh


----------



## cherub

Josh, 
I  can't believe what tomorrow will be,,,,,,, tell me, why does it seem like at times  you are not gone, the memories that pop up especially lately seem to get me.

Tomorrow will be a big day for all us that miss you and love you,,,,I think of your girl often she is so dear to my heart.

Lately with the things that our going on in my life I think of you often and talk to you out loud, questions i have going on in my head. 

It may be only two years,,,, but no matter what time has pasted you will always be dear to my heart.


----------



## Griff

Help me.


----------



## Angelight

josh- it's been a while...but you are always in my thoughts.  Hope your keeping everyone in check up there angel.

love,
Ange


----------



## L O V E L I F E

When Flower initially told me that she and Spedly had begun dating, she told me that at times she had called him "Baby LOVELIFE."

At that time, I hadn't met Spedly yet, but from his posts on Bluelight, from our AIM conversations and from Flower's gushing over him, I could tell what an absolutely amazing person he was, and as such, I was honored by the nickname.

Then, on the first night of The Most (In)Famous Meetup In The History Of Bluelight, I finally got the opportunity to meet the beautiful young man who authored the masterpiece which begins this thread.

Twenty or so of us were in a hotel room, partying it up, oblivious to the fact that the following evening would be a huge turning point for many of us and for Bluelight itself.

Spedly and Flower entered the room holding hands, shitfaced grins emblazoned on their faces, obviously very much in love.

Flower saw my face, screamed "LOVELIFE!" and Spedly immediately ran into my arms, hugged me and kissed me on the cheek as if he was my long lost brother.

He and Flower then whisked me into the bathroom so the three of us could share a private moment (and perhaps something else; I forget ) together.

I cannot overstate how amazing that felt - just how blatantly obvious the level of mutual respect we had for each other . . . and this I will never forget - in that bathroom in that sixty dollar a night motel . . . I felt like we were in the VIP room at a Hollywood club, each of us an adoring fan overwhelmed by the fact that we were FINALLY getting to party with our favorite movie star.

That's the kind of person Spedly was - he was a star who treated other people like stars.

Darling Spedly, it's incredible.

That someone so unforgettable,

Thinks that I am

Unforgettable too.


----------



## Samadhi

^^^^
...Amazing


----------



## juicehead

very good......great writing...


----------



## crOOk

Whoohoo! Great one and just at the right time. Fuck, even the right second, man. I'm so glad I discovered this story.

crOOk


----------



## Dagny

Hey baby.  Things are better now, and even the winter outside is beautiful in it's cold and unrelenting way.  I don't get the rush of bliss so often as before, usually when I laugh now there is a hint of apathy mixed in, but my capacity for hope seems more unbreakable these days - the love that I feel in my heart more honest somehow.  Apparently the pain of giving up many dreams can be made right by giving in to one big one.  You believed that I could be a healer one day and I've finally found a way to believe it about myself.

They say that after time passes you forget the sound of a person's voice, details about them, but there is oh so much that I remember about you and our time together.  For each thing that I miss about you there is one more that makes me smile, still.  No matter how many times I will ache to have you near, my life has been made more worthwhile for having loved you angel of mine.


----------



## alykitty

I thought of you today!


----------



## TheLoveBandit

Many souls have been lost at times, yours was truly a beloved one.  I miss you little brother.  I wish I could have one more day with you, I wish I could have made you smile one more time, I wish I could have eased your pain, I wish...I wish....


----------



## Trancey

I came here looking for this today. 

Every time I read it, it makes me so warm inside, yet breaks my heart at the same time.  Melissa, even though we haven't met face to face, I still think of you and Josh constantly, you both are always in each prayer, and will always be in my heart.


----------



## bisKi

Almost 4 years on and this still brings a smile.

Wherever you are Flower, I hope you're going well.


----------



## Angelight

Thinking of you still.


----------



## TheLoveBandit

Not forgotten, brother.  Not forgotten.


----------



## Griff

...and always loved.


----------



## PsychoKitten

somethings you read are lifechanging...

Melissa I hope that life has been treating you well.


----------



## nelix

I have never eaten a meal with my parents nore have they ever helped me out of a bad situation.

I have however helped my mother out of many.

However I have no more perental love left in me.

None of this bothers me cause thats just the way it is, but still, being placed out of your own life would be hard for anyone, so live yours as you as you can!


----------



## TheLoveBandit

In my mind, Josh, you're always there - that look in your eye that is somewhere between a trapped rabbit and a man who just crossed into a new reality of awareness.  Regardless, in my mind and in my heart, you are still with me, just not able to respond when I ask you things.   But I know what you'd say, and laugh at myself all the same.

You left behind a few people who really loved you, obviously (and it's more than a few as if you didn't know  ).  I don't know at this point where your wife and best friend are, or what's happening with them.  Like you, to a degree, they've vanished from the common world and don't answer when people try to reach them.  It doesn't mean they aren't loved, just that we don't know how to communicate with them, or hear them when they try to respond   I know how much each of them meant to you, so in my mind, I still hold you to this earth - I imagine you as their guardian angel watching over them through troubled times.  You may not have much power on this earth, but your love and the love we all had for you is unmatched and might help them through their difficult moments.  Perhaps reminding them that there are still others who would be there for them as well.  That we love them and miss them, as we do you....but they still have a chance to come back to us.  Until then, spend your time with them, help them how you can.  You may be the only one who can.



Sorry, I hate asking for favors, and I never ask them for myself.  I hope you are happier where you are now.  Safer, and happier, and still with the knowledge of the impact you've had on so many people's lives.  Even if you _can't_ do anything in the real world, the real world still can do things for you - remember, celebrate, and help those you've left behind.  Sleep well little brother.


----------



## FoX

TheLoveBandit said:
			
		

> You left behind a few people who really loved you, obviously (and it's more than a few as if you didn't know  ).  I don't know at this point where your wife and best friend are, or what's happening with them.  Like you, to a degree, they've vanished from the common world and don't answer when people try to reach them.  It doesn't mean they aren't loved, just that we don't know how to communicate with them, or hear them when they try to respond   I know how much each of them meant to you, so in my mind, I still hold you to this earth - I imagine you as their guardian angel watching over them through troubled times.  You may not have much power on this earth, but your love and the love we all had for you is unmatched and might help them through their difficult moments.  Perhaps reminding them that there are still others who would be there for them as well.  That we love them and miss them, as we do you....but they still have a chance to come back to us.  Until then, spend your time with them, help them how you can.  You may be the only one who can.
> 
> Sorry, I hate asking for favors, and I never ask them for myself.  I hope you are happier where you are now.  Safer, and happier, and still with the knowledge of the impact you've had on so many people's lives.  Even if you _can't_ do anything in the real world, the real world still can do things for you - remember, celebrate, and help those you've left behind.  Sleep well little brother.



That goes for me as well. You Flower really needs you right now.


----------



## Samadhi

I thought of Josh and Melissa the other day, so searched posts/threads made by them.  This love story has stood out to me for years, and has stayed with me... i didn't even know them.

Wherever you are, Flower, I hope you're ok, and SL55, wherever you are, i know you're watching over her.  We never really die, we just change into another form.

xo


----------



## Flower

samadhi said:
			
		

> I thought of Josh and Melissa the other day, so searched posts/threads made by them.  This love story has stood out to me for years, and has stayed with me... i didn't even know them.
> 
> Wherever you are, Flower, I hope you're ok, and SL55, wherever you are, i know you're watching over her.  We never really die, we just change into another form.
> 
> xo




--------------------------

Thanks for your thoughts... I'm still around, lurking here once in a while. Josh's birthday is coming up October 15, so he's been on my mind a lot lately as well.  

-- Flower


----------



## Flower

Well, it's been six years today, my love. I cannot count the times I thought I wouldn't be able to go on without you. I miss you every moment of every day. I have a little boy now. Joshua - named after you. And someday when he's older I will tell him all about his namesake and how much you meant to me. 

*sigh* I love you honey.


----------



## Griff

*i don't want to be alone anymore*

I miss josh.

I miss all of you.

I'm so tired of being alone and I want to come home.

i know that I fucked up bad and want to do whatever it takes to fix it. 

will you forgive me and let me make it right?


----------



## L O V E L I F E

If, hypothetically, we ever decide to create a forum entitled "Best of Best of Bluelight," it should, in my opinion, contain exactly one thread.

This one.

*BUMP!*


----------



## Bomboclat

i need another
this little dose wasnt enough
best thing ive ever read on bluelight.
=_)


----------



## up all night

It's good for the heart to read this every now and again. Thanks for the reminder, LL.


----------



## Cyc

be well, spedly.


----------



## L O V E L I F E

I try to NEVER go a calendar month without reading this, and being moved to tears by this beautiful genius' take on life.

You're immortal, Spedly.


----------



## Flower

L O V E L I F E said:


> If, hypothetically, we ever decide to create a forum entitled "Best of Best of Bluelight," it should, in my opinion, contain exactly one thread.
> 
> This one.
> 
> *BUMP!*



Agreed. Of course, I am a wee bit biased 



L O V E L I F E said:


> I try to NEVER go a calendar month without reading this, and being moved to tears by this beautiful genius' take on life.
> 
> You're immortal, Spedly.



Indeed he is immortal, LL.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of the late love of my life, especially since the new love of my life (my son) is his namesake. He may not be his child biologically, but in my heart little Josh is Spedly Jr.   In time I'll tell him all about the man he's named after (perhaps leaving out some of the more colourful moments LOL). 

This thread was always my favorite, but one of these days I'd like to get around to posting _in memoriam_ some of Spedly's "unpublished" works... the poems he wrote to me throughout our courtship and marriage... there's some really amazing stuff... My love was a talented, beautiful, amazing man. 

Thanks for the bumps, I may not post anymore, but lately I've been lurking around and reading this thread again brought back some truly wonderful memories. Bittersweet, but wonderful still *sigh*  

I hope you are well, LL. I've missed this place, and the whole lot of you...


----------



## harraser

So, this made me cry. Yet again. I envy a life with this kind of devotion in it. 

And Mel, I've been away a long time, but congrats on the little Josh. Probably not so little any more. That made me smile through the tears.


----------



## up all night

This thread is Bluelight, and love, at its best.


----------



## Mariposa

Our memories serve us so far too well at times.  Though I never met Josh, or you, Melissa, my heart is with both of you, all that came before, and all that will become.  I wish you blessings and comfort.


----------



## Dagny

How many years it has been.  And how much love is still in my heart and soul for (and because of) you.  Sweet Josh, darling boy, I did what I promised... every day that has passed, I have spent making you proud.

In love now, the romantic kind that I spent a lifetime trying to avoid.  And aly is still a part of every day, married to the best friend of a man that I call my own.  We live on the same road and still call many of the people we met here _family._

It filled me with joy to come here after so much time away, and to see this.  There is a picture of you in my living room, and not a day goes by that it is unnoticed.

Mel, what can be said?  That you are living each day, happy, and a MOM now!  As I've said for much of this decade - your strength and capacity for love amaze me, and are a constant source of inspiration.

Loving you both, and always thinking of you....

dags


----------



## Flower

*Seven Years.*

Oh, how I miss you my love. Seven years ago today you were lost to us... *sigh*

{{DAGS}} I have so much to say...


----------



## Dagny

7 years.  It's been that long since I sat on the left hand side of a small church with a few special loved ones...

We were surrounded by Jehovah's witnesses, had been crying and stunned all day.  So afraid when that the hour in that church would finally be too much to bear.

And then the "Holy man" started the ceremony - and the man sounded EXACTLY like he was presiding over the wedding in the movie "The Princess Bride."

"Wuv, twoo wuv..."  What happened next was so exquisitely perfect, because we _laughed_.  You loved that, didn't you?  Miss you sweetheart.


----------



## L O V E L I F E

Effective IMMEDIATELY, I hereby decree that this gem shall NEVER again fall to the second page of Best Of Bluelight!

EVER!

Spedly, you have achieved immortality through your hauntingly beautiful art, and, even more importantly, based on all of the wonderful indelible marks you have made on so many people - both through your poetry, and, even moreso, as a beautiful human being.

I love you, Spedly. 

- L to the L


----------



## katmeow

up all night said:


> This thread is Bluelight, and love, at its best.



Amen to that.


----------



## Flower

Happy Anniversary, my love. I miss you more than words could possibly convey - even _your_ words. 

_"Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life."  - Leo Buscaglia_


----------



## TheLoveBandit

Had a dream with you in it last night Josh.  You're still in our hearts and minds - we won't ever be alone, thanks to you.


----------



## L O V E L I F E

Love!

Love!

Love!


----------



## Flower

Reedly, LL, thanks for helping to keep this beautiful monument to (and from) Josh alive here on Bluelight. I haven't been around in nearly a year, but when I do come 'round, this is always my first stop.  

I miss you both something terrible.


----------



## dusty_dust

Damn. God damn I can't believe how beautiful somepeoples words are.

That was a wonderful connection between you and that old man.. 
How i wish i could have seen your auras haha..

Wonderful story dude. There isn't much I can say that would explain how this post made me feel.


----------



## Dagny

July 7 did not pass by quickly, Josh.  Even after 8 years you filled the day with so many lovely memories, smiles + tears that it was the longest of Wednesday's.  Thanks for that.


----------



## Flower

*Another year gone by...*

This year was a tough one, my love. Perhaps because I've been so clear-headed for so long now, those memories rush back to me with such force it's  simply overwhelming. Little Josh is starting to ask questions about you... and I have a hard time finding the words to explain to him just how special and wonderful you were. Do you hear him call out "Good night, Daddy!" every night before drifting off to sleep? Do you hear the quiet sobs that I sometimes cannot stifle? So often I wish you were here with us, that you were here to guide him into becoming the man that you were... but I'm doing the best I can - alone.

I miss you baby... you are still the last thought in my mind as I fall asleep and the first thought in my mind upon waking. Those few blissful moments between being asleep and awake are magical - most times I forget that you aren't here, perhaps on purpose, perhaps not, but before fully waking I swear I feel you next to me, stroking my cheek like you used to and whispering "I love you, baby" *sigh*

I love you baby. I will see you in the magic hour... 

-------------

{{{Dags)))


----------



## L O V E L I F E

Dear Spedly,

You made me laugh virtually EVERY single time that I ever talked to you. 

Thank you for that.

And you make me cry EVERY single time I read the masterpiece which begins this thread.

Thank you for that, as well.

Love,

LL


----------



## cherub

Josh, 
I haven't been here in years but I felt i needed it. I am not lost. I am good. But as with every tree we must always step back into the roots that make us grow. I miss my kids and I know they are good. IF they weren't you would lead them back to me.  You are still truly missed. Your smile and loving nature is locked in my minds eye and will never leave. You are special to each of us. Thank you for giving us that link. To remind us of things past and how no matter what we are linked. 

love 
mommyhen!


----------



## lostNfound

Thanks for bumping this


----------



## TheLoveBandit

I wish you were here to punk somebody and make us all laugh

I wish you were here to tell us where Griff is and kick his ass for disappearing

I wish you were here to give me a hug and say it's gonna be ok

I wish you.....

I wish you.


----------



## Samadhi

So much love in this thread


----------



## Samadhi

Bump


----------



## Flower

*- bump - I miss you, baby...*

I just really, _really_ needed to read these words today, baby. I love you and miss you more than any mere words could ever hope to express...


----------



## herbavore

^all the love in the world to you. Love, the immense power of it, is what carries us through the missing. It endures until we go where they went first. And then we are the ones who leave it behind for others. He sounds like an amazing person, as do you. Much love and hope for strength and peace for you.


----------



## TheLoveBandit

I miss you, little brother.  Still.

I don't feel alone, and I hope you never feel alone - you shouldn't, you're still loved.  But I still miss you.


----------



## zzITCHY420zz

rreally enjoyed reading this..thank you


----------



## TheLoveBandit

Little brother, still on my mind.  Wonder what you'd be like now?


----------



## Dagny

In my mind he is perfect.

Can still see him in the half-dark, waving and speaking of love.

The man still fills my heart, is my heart.


----------



## Flower

I've been reading the archives all night, baby, saving this post, the best, for last. I miss you so much... I cannot believe that you've been gone for so long! Little Josh is growing up, he's 7 now, and he reminds me of you. He loves to tell and write stories, and he's so funny! He may not share your genes, but in my heart and soul, he is yours.

I love you sweetheart, with every fiber of my being, and I will until the end of time


----------



## Samadhi

Wow. I came to bluelight today after thinking of SL55 and Flower, looking for this very thread, and what do I find on the front page, but THIS THREAD and the last person is Flower.

I have never and will never forget this thread and the love between the two of you - it's something i have thought about often over the years, and I wonder how you are going Flower - it's lovely to see you on here and to know that you're keeping Josh's memory alive  Much love xx


----------



## JahSEEuS

I've been around this place on and off since 2002 and everytime I read this there is a certain feeling of some presence greater than me that always makes me tear up.  Love always...


----------



## Flower

On those occasions that I find myself lurking around Bluelight, without fail I will find myself, eventually, in this thread. This thread that has never failed to make me cry (good tears! ....mostly), from the day Spedly first posted it all the way to this evening, as I came across this comment:



Samadhi said:


> Wow. I came to bluelight today after thinking of SL55 and Flower, looking for this very thread, and what do I find on the front page, but THIS THREAD and the last person is Flower.
> 
> I have never and will never forget this thread and the love between the two of you - it's something i have thought about often over the years, and I wonder how you are going Flower - it's lovely to see you on here and to know that you're keeping Josh's memory alive  Much love xx



Thank you Samadhi - and so, SO many others - for keeping his words and his memory alive. He has never left my thoughts nor my heart (and I strongly suspect he never will). And as heart-wrenchingly difficult as it's been - as much as I needed to be dragged, kicking and screaming, back to the land of the living again after losing him... Life... well, life does go on (no matter how hard I tried to avoid that fact). In fact, life is good these days.

Little Josh just turned 8 years old. I am engaged to an amazing man who loves me and loves my son as his own... and accepts all of me, including the part of me that will always belong to my first husband. We have another baby on the way. I know big Josh would be happy for me, for us... because I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loved me the way that I loved him, and had I been the one to leave him behind, I would have wanted him to move forward, to find love again, to LIVE.

So... that's what I am doing these days. I am living, finally, _truly_, in the way that I have no doubt he would have wanted me to... but damn if I don't miss him every moment of every day. *sniff*


----------



## TheLoveBandit

Long gone, but never forgotten little brother.  The world has changed so much since you left  We'll catch up again someday.  Until ten you remain in our hearts and thoughts.


----------



## herbavore

Flower said:


> Little Josh just turned 8 years old. I am engaged to an amazing man who loves me and loves my son as his own... and accepts all of me, including the part of me that will always belong to my first husband. We have another baby on the way. I know big Josh would be happy for me, for us... because I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loved me the way that I loved him, and had I been the one to leave him behind, I would have wanted him to move forward, to find love again, to LIVE.



 I am filled with happiness to read this. It is an amazing truth that one discovers in devastating loss that one can once again embrace a joyful life not only fully, _but more fully_ borne of the ability to simultaneously gently hold grief as well. I am happy for you and your son as well as your new love and the little mystery being about to make an appearance.


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## devilsgospel

On this night of all nights I wanted to lurk around BL and read things I haven't read. I'm now moved in a way that I find very difficult to describe, but will try to.

A story about people I've never met from over a decade and a half ago has left me an utter emotional wreck. His writing made me feel like I had been there for the occasion itself. I was enthralled entirely. I find myself in nearly the exact same position in life. I flipped to the last page, hoping that I could find him myself and tell him all this....Just to share with him that I'm touched.

I have a girl that means the world to me, someone I want to have a future with and grow old alongside. I've never been sure about anything in my life except for that. She feels like home to me, I look in her eyes and any worry or self doubt melts away instantlya. I tell her that I love her as many times as I possibly can in a day and she does the same. I'm going to tell her one extra time now.

My history with my parents hasn't been a good one. We're bad to one another very often. There's a battle for understanding that hasn't made forward progress in years. I want to change that now as well. I can't remember the last time I've even told them I loved them and actually meant it, but once again, I want that to change.

I want to express that I'm deeply sorry for the loss of Josh, if it means anything from a drug abusing stranger who was just lurking the internet. If you happen to read this, Flower, I want you to know that this is going to stay with me for a long time. I couldn't even begin to imagine the things you must have felt. 6

If you'll now excuse me I have more crying to do under my blanket.


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## TheLoveBandit

devilsgospel said:


> My history with my parents hasn't been a good one. We're bad to one another very often. There's a battle for understanding that hasn't made forward progress in years. I want to change that now as well. I can't remember the last time I've even told them I loved them and actually meant it, but once again, I want that to change.



Josh wasn't a saint, by any means, but he was obviously very well loved.  One thing I'd take from his death is that you need to act on things while you can - you never know when your last moment might be.  Communicate your heart and mind to your parents, don't leave that for a "later" that might never arrive.  Same for your girl - keep telling her what she means to you.  Let people know you care, that they are valued in your eyes.



=================

Josh, still miss you at times.  Your passing changed a lot of us.  If you watch any of us anymore, push Griff back to us, please.


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## TheLoveBandit

J to the O to the S to the...fuck.

Miss you, brother.


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## L O V E L I F E




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## psyfiend

wtf is this real?


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## TheLoveBandit

Yeah.  It's real.  

And we still miss him.


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## Samadhi

I am rarely here nowadays, but when i am, i always come back here.


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## Flower

herbavore said:


> ...It is an amazing truth that one discovers in devastating loss that one can once again embrace a joyful life not only fully, _but more fully_ borne of the ability to simultaneously gently hold grief as well...



❤


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## TheLoveBandit

Been awhile.  Doesn't hurt any less.  Who you could have become, what you could have done.  It still hurts.


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## TheLoveBandit

Josh.  You will always be remembered, and loved.


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## arrall

This is beautiful.

Rest in peace Josh.


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