# Meth/Amphetamines: Serious Discussion Only - V.2: MERGED with amps quitting thread



## panic in paradise

"This is the Speed/Meth/Amphetamines MEGA Thread. This thread will focus on the unique challenges and problems caused by amphetamine dependence. Talk about your struggles with psychosis, battle to get clean and generally get support here!"

- chicpoena

JUST TO ADD THE BASIC RULES HERE:
- no advocating anything in the amphetamine family
- think of wat u say wen u post.....diffrent ppl here r at diffrent stages of recovery - cud u b triggering a lapse/relapse by something u say
- no personal attacks.....plz PM the mods if u r upset by something a user has said.....we can usually sort it out
- this thread is about addiction, for addicts.....if ur not an addict, u r welcome to hav ur piece to say, but it must b helpful for us who r suffering from amphetamine addiction
-support/advice/(negative) experiences and ur offering help to others is the basis of this thread
- if u find ur post isnt here, high chance its been deleted cos u didnt read these rules properly


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## ClassAallDay

Left home and moved in with someone who used regularly, the first time I ever witnessed him do it I smoked it also, the come down put me off and I announced I didn't like it.

 I went maybe six months watching daily and snorting very occassionally, then began smoking daily and lost contact with friends/family and developed new "friends", Binged heavily for maybe a year and a half until I went a saw my mother and that was enough inspiration to *quit*.

I got a job and stopped using everyday, now maybe once a month but when I first moved in every weekend.


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## Sweet P

ClassAallDay said:


> Left home and moved in with someone who used regularly, the first time I ever witnessed him do it I smoked it also, the come down put me off and I announced I didn't like it.
> 
> I went maybe six months watching daily and snorting very occassionally, then began smoking daily and lost contact with friends/family and developed new "friends", Binged heavily for maybe a year and a half until I went a saw my mother and that was enough inspiration to *quit*.
> 
> I got a job and stopped using everyday, now maybe once a month but when I first moved in every weekend.



That gives me some hope. I've been smoking it heavily for about the same time (a year and a half) and I'm still hoping I can go back to doing it occasionally, like once or twice a month. It would be great to have the meth monster under control again. BTW, it's nice to see another kiwi here.


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## footscrazy

^^ I used to think it would be nice to use occasionally, but actually fuck that, I want to be on it all the time, and if I can't be on it all the time, I actually think I'd rather not do it at all. It's the same with drinking, I want to get wasted, so if I'm trying to control my drinking I'd rather have no drinks, than let myself have 2 and just tease myself. 

Ahhh fuck I want to get on so bad right now. 

Well done Lefty for another week, how long in total has it been now?
Do you remember which weeks you found hardest?
I definitely found the first two the worst, the second two really cruisy, now I'm getting into my 5th week and I'm craving really badly, I'm constantly on edge and every little trigger is making me rush. 

This is the longest I've been off for 3 years though 

I'm probably going to buy heroin this week, I'm craving it too, though when I think about it I'm just trying to substitute something for the meth which I'm 'allowed' to do


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## Jabberwocky

it's been 10 weeks clear, now

the hardest were the first 2-3 weeks.  initially getting over the cravings of every weekend use and filling that void; the psychological re-adjustment basically.  finding things to fill that void can be difficult but if you have a support network of friends and family it definitely is a hell of a lot easier.


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## wingnutlives

I thought this might be a good post for pointers on how to quit meth/amphetamines and feel good after quitting. I'm not an expert, exactly, but I've found some things that worked well for me so I'll add them here. Hopefully this will be good help for others!

1. Take a week (preferably two) off work to spend in bed or around the house. You'll need it! Amphetamines deprive your body from getting enough sleep - even if you think you're getting enough sleep while on them, they take up so much energy from your body that you'll need extra sleep to recover, and I mean a LOT OF IT! When I detoxed from adderall I spent about 16 hours a day sleeping. You might wonder if you'll ever get out of bed again, but by the end of the week you'll find that you can spend at least eight or so hours awake - that means your body is finally getting back to normal. The important thing is to let yourself sleep AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE for the week or two that you have. 

2. Eat a lot of healthy foods - with lots of protein, vitamins, etc. I know from experience that when you're withdrawing, the last thing you'll want to do is cook, so make sure that you have lots of foods on hand that are easy to eat right away - yogurt, hummus and raw veggies, fruit, prepared sandwiches and pasta salads, etc. Don't worry about eating full meals, just make sure you snack consistently while you're awake and eat as much as you can. 

3. Stock up on vitamins and supplements to take during withdrawal and afterwards. The first week, take a lot of L-tyrosine (an amino acid that restores dopamine to the brain), a good multivitamin (preferably the "superfood" kind that has stuff like spirulina, chlorella, other herbs, etc.), protein powder, and vitamins/supplements that restore muscle tone (amphetamines weaken your muscles and that's why you'll feel shaky on your feet). Good medication to take during this first week are benzos (be careful with these, you don't want to start a second addiction, but one week of benzos should be fine), and meds for restful sleep such as seroquel. 
The second week, continue your L-tyrosine but stop taking benzos and use seroquel, etc. more sparingly. You may start experiencing more depression or anxiety around this time, so supplements I'd recommend are valerian root or kava (for anxiety) and St. John's Wort (for depression... don't take it at the same time as tyrosine, though). For medication, I don't recommend SSRI's (unless they've worked well for you in the past), but I do recommend Welbutrin and others that work well on the dopamine system. For me, personally, Abilify works really well for depression. 
Note: If you're going to try psych meds to help depression/anxiety systems, make sure you research any interactions with supplements such as L-tyrosine, etc. 

4. After the end of the first week (or even second week - whenever you can get out of bed for more than a couple hours) you'll want to start EXERCISING A LOT! Your muscles will have been weakened from daily amphetamine use, so you need to work harder to build them back up so you can feel strong on your feet. I recommend short, intense exercising that won't take too much time, but will build your muscles up fast. Try eating a good, healthy meal, waiting an hour or so, and then going on a good run/bike ride/cardio at the gym for as long as you can (at least 15 minutes, but hopefully 1/2hr/45mins if you can do that). After the exercise, replenish your body with a good protein supplement plus a high-protein food (ie. yogurt, meat), wait about an hour or so and then have a nice long sleep to let your muscles rest. Do this EVERY DAY if possible. 

5. After a couple weeks the worst will be over, so your job is now to keep yourself from relapsing. I recommend removing as much as stress as possible from your life and letting yourself take it easy as much as possible. Also, make sure that you're eating healthy and exercising as often as possible - keep that up! It'll make you feel good and that'll keep you from craving as much. L-tyrosine and the multi-vitamin are the minimum supplements that you should keep taking for the next few months or however long you need them. If you feel the need for a psychiatric medication, you may want to stay on Welbutrin, Abilify, or whatever antidepressant/anxiety med works well for you - stay on it for about 6 months to a year because these meds work best over a several-month duration (and some of them take about six weeks or so to kick in), then you can begin tapering off them. 

Remember that a daily amphetamine habit has long term consequences and you'll need to take extra care of yourself for several months/a couple years after quitting. However, i can tell you from experience that if you take good care of yourself after you quit, you can begin to feel good about life QUITE SOON!


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## Sweet P

Excellent advice! I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this thread. I'm sure it will be really helpful.


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## BeckyLee

wow  great  thread wingnut!


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## Crankinit

Great post wingnut  Was your attempt at quitting successful then?


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## wingnutlives

Thanks! Yup, I did quit successfully - so far so good


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## Pillthrill

Good for you! Hugs!


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## motiv311

wingnutlives said:


> I thought this might be a good post for pointers on how to quit meth/amphetamines and feel good after quitting. I'm not an expert, exactly, but I've found some things that worked well for me so I'll add them here. Hopefully this will be good help for others!
> 
> 1. Take a week (preferably two) off work to spend in bed or around the house. You'll need it! Amphetamines deprive your body from getting enough sleep - even if you think you're getting enough sleep while on them, they take up so much energy from your body that you'll need extra sleep to recover, and I mean a LOT OF IT! When I detoxed from adderall I spent about 16 hours a day sleeping. You might wonder if you'll ever get out of bed again, but by the end of the week you'll find that you can spend at least eight or so hours awake - that means your body is finally getting back to normal. The important thing is to let yourself sleep AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE for the week or two that you have.
> 
> 2. Eat a lot of healthy foods - with lots of protein, vitamins, etc. I know from experience that when you're withdrawing, the last thing you'll want to do is cook, so make sure that you have lots of foods on hand that are easy to eat right away - yogurt, hummus and raw veggies, fruit, prepared sandwiches and pasta salads, etc. Don't worry about eating full meals, just make sure you snack consistently while you're awake and eat as much as you can.
> 
> 3. Stock up on vitamins and supplements to take during withdrawal and afterwards. The first week, take a lot of L-tyrosine (an amino acid that restores dopamine to the brain), a good multivitamin (preferably the "superfood" kind that has stuff like spirulina, chlorella, other herbs, etc.), protein powder, and vitamins/supplements that restore muscle tone (amphetamines weaken your muscles and that's why you'll feel shaky on your feet). Good medication to take during this first week are benzos (be careful with these, you don't want to start a second addiction, but one week of benzos should be fine), and meds for restful sleep such as seroquel.
> The second week, continue your L-tyrosine but stop taking benzos and use seroquel, etc. more sparingly. You may start experiencing more depression or anxiety around this time, so supplements I'd recommend are valerian root or kava (for anxiety) and St. John's Wort (for depression... don't take it at the same time as tyrosine, though). For medication, I don't recommend SSRI's (unless they've worked well for you in the past), but I do recommend Welbutrin and others that work well on the dopamine system. For me, personally, Abilify works really well for depression.
> Note: If you're going to try psych meds to help depression/anxiety systems, make sure you research any interactions with supplements such as L-tyrosine, etc.
> 
> 4. After the end of the first week (or even second week - whenever you can get out of bed for more than a couple hours) you'll want to start EXERCISING A LOT! Your muscles will have been weakened from daily amphetamine use, so you need to work harder to build them back up so you can feel strong on your feet. I recommend short, intense exercising that won't take too much time, but will build your muscles up fast. Try eating a good, healthy meal, waiting an hour or so, and then going on a good run/bike ride/cardio at the gym for as long as you can (at least 15 minutes, but hopefully 1/2hr/45mins if you can do that). After the exercise, replenish your body with a good protein supplement plus a high-protein food (ie. yogurt, meat), wait about an hour or so and then have a nice long sleep to let your muscles rest. Do this EVERY DAY if possible.
> 
> 5. After a couple weeks the worst will be over, so your job is now to keep yourself from relapsing. I recommend removing as much as stress as possible from your life and letting yourself take it easy as much as possible. Also, make sure that you're eating healthy and exercising as often as possible - keep that up! It'll make you feel good and that'll keep you from craving as much. L-tyrosine and the multi-vitamin are the minimum supplements that you should keep taking for the next few months or however long you need them. If you feel the need for a psychiatric medication, you may want to stay on Welbutrin, Abilify, or whatever antidepressant/anxiety med works well for you - stay on it for about 6 months to a year because these meds work best over a several-month duration (and some of them take about six weeks or so to kick in), then you can begin tapering off them.
> 
> Remember that a daily amphetamine habit has long term consequences and you'll need to take extra care of yourself for several months/a couple years after quitting. However, i can tell you from experience that if you take good care of yourself after you quit, you can begin to feel good about life QUITE SOON!




  Do you believe there is such thing as legitimate Adderall usage?


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## footscrazy

^^I think you should be very careful....

I don't think you are in too deep in the sense that it's not having too many negative effects on you at the moment, overall it's probably a net positive effect, yeah? The thing that's so insidous about meth though is that by the time it does start having negative effects you wont be able to stop. If you're finding it so hard to stop now, and you've only smoked it a dozen times, imagine how much more difficult it will be when you've been smoking it twice a week for a year. 



			
				Pillthrill said:
			
		

> My friend and I both say we wanna lay off, but we don't. Guess I'm not that motivated to do so. It has started to come before school and my bf and causing damage to those 2 areas



I think this is a huge warning sign. It already has some level of control over you. Just something you should recognise. I don't know, some people can fuck around with meth but most can't. Just be very careful, it's the shittest feeling being chained to this drug


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## Sweet P

Pillthrill said:


> I don't feel like I'm in too deep at the moment. Although like I said, I don't feel the need to quit. What do you think guys, am I fooling myself here?



Probably... but I'm the same. I keep saying that I don't want to quit, I just want to get my usage under control again. But it ain't happening. If anything, my usage is actually increasing.


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## wingnutlives

"Quit while you're ahead" is good cliche advise for you, PT. You're not addicted, you just like it a lot (or at least it sounds like it)... It's fun, but you don't want to be doing it as often as you are now. Try taking a break for a month - you don't have to quit entirely, but a break would be good. You really don't want to get addicted!

PT, I was abusing adderall. I finagled a prescription after I started using it, but took way higher doses than what I was prescribed, run out early and buy from friends, and I'd also stop eating or sleeping for extended periods of time - and I craved it. Definitely was not taking it as prescribed.


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## motiv311

Pillthrill said:


> Are you talking use as prescripted or _abuse_?
> 
> Really those are good tips for any stimulant use, long term or acute. Just trying to help yourself out a bit. You gotta do all the things that you don't do when your high in order to recover. Sometimes after meth I crash hard. I don't ALWAYS sleep, although usually I do. I just don't have the energy or motivation really to get up and do anything. Showering can even be a chore when I'm high, on most things though. Not just meth.
> 
> I am trying to keep my meth smoking to once or twice a week. Idk it seems to get better for me as I keep doing it. I've done it, oh perhaps a dozen times in the last maybe month or so. Is that a lot or not? I have no idea.
> Maybe I can take more than a 2 day break now that I've lost a couple of the friends that I hung out with that did it all the time. Although I have one other that gets good shards and he doesn't like to smoke alone. I've been helping him with a complete apartment overhaul. I mean BAD! We smoke it then to stay up and try to get more cleaning and painting done.
> I'm also VERY VERY broke so I thought that would stop me a bit too. Hasn't stopped the other drug use so I doubt this is any different. I blew $40 on oxy that I didn't have to spend, why will this be any different.
> My friend and I both say we wanna lay off, but we don't. Guess I'm not that motivated to do so. It has started to come before school and my bf and causing damage to those 2 areas. But since Sean and I talked I've tried very hard to give him the time and attention he deserves and hopefully that will help. I feel pretty bad hiding this from him.
> I don't feel like I'm in too deep at the moment. Although like I said, I don't feel the need to quit. What do you think guys, am I fooling myself here?


 
 What the hell do you think?! You already know this answer


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## Crankinit

PT, you already know the answer to those questions, do you really think an escalating methamphetamine habit is going to lead anywhere good?

Whether you do something while you can or keep riding the speed train until the end of the line is your call.

Oh and leftwings man good to hear you're still going strong, keep it up dude


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## mrs_mia_wallace

Pillthrill said:


> Are you talking use as prescripted or _abuse_?
> 
> Really those are good tips for any stimulant use, long term or acute. Just trying to help yourself out a bit. You gotta do all the things that you don't do when your high in order to recover. Sometimes after meth I crash hard. I don't ALWAYS sleep, although usually I do. I just don't have the energy or motivation really to get up and do anything. Showering can even be a chore when I'm high, on most things though. Not just meth.
> 
> I am trying to keep my meth smoking to once or twice a week. Idk it seems to get better for me as I keep doing it. I've done it, oh perhaps a dozen times in the last maybe month or so. Is that a lot or not? I have no idea.
> Maybe I can take more than a 2 day break now that I've lost a couple of the friends that I hung out with that did it all the time. Although I have one other that gets good shards and he doesn't like to smoke alone. I've been helping him with a complete apartment overhaul. I mean BAD! We smoke it then to stay up and try to get more cleaning and painting done.
> I'm also VERY VERY broke so I thought that would stop me a bit too. Hasn't stopped the other drug use so I doubt this is any different. I blew $40 on oxy that I didn't have to spend, why will this be any different.
> My friend and I both say we wanna lay off, but we don't. Guess I'm not that motivated to do so. It has started to come before school and my bf and causing damage to those 2 areas. But since Sean and I talked I've tried very hard to give him the time and attention he deserves and hopefully that will help. I feel pretty bad hiding this from him.
> I don't feel like I'm in too deep at the moment. Although like I said, I don't feel the need to quit. What do you think guys, am I fooling myself here?



Why are you trying to MAKE yourself an addict?

Seriously, I can't even get out of bed or stay awake without shoving this shit up my nose, it's destroyed my body my mind cost me my family boyfriends friends career and everyone else posting in this thread can identify with if not all of that a lot of it... why on Earth are you posting in here REALIZING you're becoming more addicted and just going with it, not trying to stop using entirely???

It keeps getting better for you as you keep doing it? WHY are you doing it? What is wrong with you?

This is so infuriating to read at this present moment.. I have never been this physically dependent on meth before, I can't go five hours without consuming it or I am coming down so hard I can't physically function. There is no detoxing from this shit because I will be HOMELESS and BROKE.

This shit is going to kill me I know it. My body is breaking down but it's like it doesn't even seem real to me even as I can feel it. Or I really just don't care anymore.


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## QuasiStoned

^^^
Wiser words have never been spoken.  It sounds cliche, but quit while you can pillthrill.  This drug will take over your life in a most insidious way.


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## panic in paradise

i have to reiterate what everyone else has said PT, and quit while youre ahead... you know what it does, why you shouldnt do it, you arent dependent on it, and now you know what the deal is with it experimenting, so theres no excuse. 

think of it as a relationship; you just met a guy - had a LOT of fun - he made you feel perfect like never before - he had an ominous twinkle* in his eye - you soon discover - he has a *very* violent criminal history and is a 10x felon on the run - you find out hes hustling you - you are harboring this fuk-o - he raises his hand - you kick him out the damn door - you continue with your life. ~spare yourself & family the heart ache, leave it alone.

_please?_


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## panic in paradise

"_I feel that I should be able to post here as a user (not an addict)..._"

the thing is people worry, and have every right to, they worry that you will become addicted and no longer a casual user. so as in any other thread people are sharing their opinions, concerns, and experiences. experiences are not valuable as facts but, they are for over all value.

"_I don't have the desire to hit rock bottom anymore. I like it, I do it. I mean thats why people do anything..._"

meth isnt just anything that people do, of course you like it, and of course you arent wanting/expecting to hit rock bottom, who would/does?!? if you feel singled out, its because people are concerned about you, thats all. its sad to watch someone deteriorate from any drug(S) _or other situation_, but there becomes a point where one becomes so out of touch they cant be reached, it happens too much. we dont want to see that happen with you.


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## Mariposa

Pillthrill said:


> ^hmm thats a good way of thinking of it.
> I've been doing it several times this week. My friend and I have been doing it while we are painting and cleaning his apartment. I'm too nice for my own good sometimes. lol I've worked as hard as he has there and I'm not even going to live there.
> But we get more done spun and its better than doing it alone ya know.
> Like I said I'm broke so I can't really afford it. Almost kinda, will work for my friends for drugs thing. Oh that sounds really bad.
> But after he gets moved in he is going to have to be paying some major rent without a roommate yet and won't be able to afford it. So I think that will help a lot! I did talk to him last night that I thought after we get the apartment finished we should join together and leave the shards alone for awhile.
> And no, I'm not trying to be an addict at all. I don't have the desire to hit rock bottom anymore. I like it, I do it. I mean thats why people do anything... lets not be hypocritical about it here. I feel that I should be able to post here as a user (not an addict)...



PT, this thread is designed to be a support system for *methamphetamine addicts.*  This is not a place for you to justify your own use of methamphetamine.  You are not doing anything different from someone who scores from a friend or a dealer for money.

I realize you may be upset at what others have said to you, but please place yourself in their shoes for a moment if you can.  If you were attempting active recovery from being addicted to a drug that has significantly diminished your health and quality of life, isn't the last thing you would want to read rationalizations from someone who may be in the beginning stages of an insidious addiction?

Please avoid triggering or potentially triggering others.  If you have any questions about what exactly that means, please send me a PM.  I do not use methamphetamine, but can talk to you candidly about a time in my life awhile back when that was not the case.

Mia - please do get a hold of me if you'd like information about some treatment resources I recently discovered in our area.  I have access to a lot of mental health resources, housing, food, programs at Kaiser, and even the dreaded NA.  These resources were designed with the needs of drug users in mind.

Wingnut, congratulations on all of the progress you have made.

Thanks to everyone for keeping the conversation civil and keeping mindful that all criticism should be constructive in nature.


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## QuasiStoned

Pillthrill said:
			
		

> ^hmm thats a good way of thinking of it.
> I've been doing it several times this week. My friend and I have been doing it while we are painting and cleaning his apartment. I'm too nice for my own good sometimes. lol I've worked as hard as he has there and I'm not even going to live there.
> But we get more done spun and its better than doing it alone ya know.
> Like I said I'm broke so I can't really afford it. Almost kinda, will work for my friends for drugs thing. Oh that sounds really bad.
> But after he gets moved in he is going to have to be paying some major rent without a roommate yet and won't be able to afford it. So I think that will help a lot! I did talk to him last night that I thought after we get the apartment finished we should join together and leave the shards alone for awhile.
> And no, I'm not trying to be an addict at all. I don't have the desire to hit rock bottom anymore. I like it, I do it. I mean thats why people do anything... lets not be hypocritical about it here. I feel that I should be able to post here as a user (not an addict)...


Pillthrill, I have read your posts for a long time on this website and I really do not think that you have anything to gain from meth abuse.  I was somewhat shocked when I read that you were using it at all.  With that said, I know this a drug website.  I am not trying to be hypocritical, I am addicted to poppy tea and I wish that I wasn't.  The constant ups and downs of being dependent on something are terrible, and sometimes I feel like I will never get out of the mess I have made of myself.

Given all the information I have read about it though, I am thanking my lucky stars that I am not addicted to meth.  You seem to have a bit of an addictive personality PT and even though you may have been able to abuse tramadol and opiates without becoming dependent, don't think for a second that abusing meth a couple times of week is not treading into dangerous territory.  Once you get sucked in it can be nearly impossible to get out, not to mention the shit is neurotoxic and all of the negative side effects of meth use.

I would not even take a chance by continuing to mess around with it.  You are rolling the dice with this one and should most definitely stop while you can.  I am not trying to be a dick or attack you personally, you are a nice person who I don't want to see go down that road.  Normally I don't go out of my way to try to talk Bluelighters out of bad decisions, but i have seen your posts and pictures and in a way feel like I Know you (not trying to be creepy here or nothing, as I usually lurk in TDS so you probably don't know me) and should at the very least make an attempt to reach out before it's too late.  Best of luck to you, I hope you will make the right choice.


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## ocean

Pillthrill said:


> *Sigh* Drug_Wench and I already went over this...she said that this isn't solely for addicts. It is about the effects of meth on people's lives, offering support and what not without being made fun of or triggered like what has happened in other threads.
> 
> *I wasn't aware that I was saying anything that was going to trigger others. Do the rest of you feel like I have? I'm starting to get pretty turned off with this thread. I was just simply trying to have a lil serious talk about meth use...*
> 
> Q.S. -I know meth is one of the worst things you I can do. There is a lot of reasons why I should avoid meth. But I'm not ready to quit yet. Just not really motivated. The excuse that you are still having fun with it.... I know I'm denying it here I guess. But maybe I'll be somewhat forced to quit or at least cut way back here soon, next week or 2. End of the month tops.




I do feel, that  you trying to justify why you  should still continue to use meth,  could be triggering.


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## Sweet P

Pillthrill said:


> I wasn't aware that I was saying anything that was going to trigger others. Do the rest of you feel like I have? I'm starting to get pretty turned off with this thread. I was just simply trying to have a lil serious talk about meth use...



I haven't been triggered by anything you've written here... but I have been a bit frustrated by it. It's nothing personal, Pillthrill. It's just sad to see somebody else starting to walk down this path of self-destruction, and (seemingly) not listening to anyone's warnings. At the rate you're going, you will become addicted.


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## mrs_mia_wallace

ocean said:


> I do feel, that  you trying to justify why you  should still continue to use meth,  could be triggering.



I find your posts triggering PT, as well as pointless and selfish. You are not offering support to anyone else in this thread nor are you addressing anything that people who have been addicted to meth for years are saying to you. You are not posting looking for help you are posting here for attention and to update us on your rising 'addiction.' A blog or online journal would be a better outlet for that.

Drug wench has posted in this thread many times that it is for people struggling with meth use/addiction, not people enjoying the drug and that is what stage you are at. You just want to have fun with the drug and that's fine, but this is not the place to be posting about that. It is unfair to the other members who may avoid OD and DC because these sorts of posts ARE triggering, especially for you to be listing all the reasons you do not want to quit. Drug wench has stated many times that posts along those lines belong in OD not TDS...

I'm sorry if this comes off as bitchy but it is my opinion/observation and your posts have been triggering me to the extent that I have basicallly stopped posting in here. This thread is one of the only places I gather support and advice for my addiction and were you to be getting something out of it or helping others I wouldn't be posting this, but you are doing neither of the above, and this infuriates me.


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## Pillthrill

OK guys, I'm sorry that my posts were triggering. Honestly that was the LAST thing I wanted to do. 
Thank you very much Mia for the respectful non-attacking tone of your last post, while still expressing how you feel.


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## drug_wench

PT - fact is, yes u hav a right to b here esp as u r, IMO, in actual fact, in the early stages of meth addiction....*denial*
however, like mia, i hav to admit it maddens me a bit to see u, after ppl r deeply and desperately wanting and trying to stop it, just talking about it like this is a 'social thread for speed users' - (_I've been doing it several times this week. My friend and I have been doing it while we are painting and cleaning his apartment. I'm too nice for my own good sometimes. lol I've worked as hard as he has there and I'm not even going to live there.
But we get more done spun and its better than doing it alone ya know.
Like I said I'm broke so I can't really afford it. Almost kinda, will work for my friends for drugs thing. Oh that sounds really bad.
But after he gets moved in he is going to have to be paying some major rent without a roommate yet and won't be able to afford it. So I think that will help a lot! I did talk to him last night that I thought after we get the apartment finished we should join together and leave the shards alone for awhile._

the point of this thread is for *meth/amphetamine addicts* to support each other/advise each other and share experiences (*in a non-triggering way - ie.talking about the shit the drug has caused them* rather than saying how much u like it!)
u will know this from reading the OP of the last thread (Version 1)

and its pointless if u dont take others advice too!
if u want to talk about how u enjoy meth use, im sure theres a suitable thread in OD/DC for this kind of talk

i gave u some worthwhile advice via PM but it wud seem it went in one ear and out the other
dont hide this from Sean, he doesnt deserve it
and go get some help - if u cant go without it uve got a problem
however if im talking to someone who doesnt take the help given to her u hav to wonder why u actually *do* want to participate in this thread as were all here to desperately try and help each other.....
this thread isnt about 'there there im sorry to hear that ur having problems with addiction', its about offering/receiving advice/support/information

btw to evryone who thinks they can 'control' their meth use after being an addict, u guys r dreaming....im sorry but it wont happen
thats like an alcoholic giving up and then having the odd glass of wine.....which admittedly does very occasionally happen wen ppl get on top of it very strictly
except methamphetamine isnt alcohol, its much more harmful and addictive
its a nice thought but its as delusional as any other thinking we hav while up on the P

wingnut - thanks for the advice regarding amphetamine detox
however id like to stress that is *amphetamine* detox as opposed to *methamphetamine* detox
esp if ur here in NZ smoking/shooting the 80-100% pure (60% at the very least!) stuff heavily
some meth users here actually need medically supervised inpatient detox! a serious side effect of meth withdrawal is psychosis (usually in heavy users, certainly happens to me evry time i even come down now let alone detoxify)
but thats great advice for all u speedfreaks out there! thanks again hun 

lefty - props to u mate....keep at it!

motiv - im curious as to wat u meant by 'is there such thing as legitimate adderall use?' in the US there is, if ur prescribed it AFAIK 

finally, onto how im doing with Mistress P
well im on it now......coming down i guess actually cos ive managed to force down some soup/toast and am snacking on some cashews for protein (thanks again wingnut)
the problems surfacing with it again, not quite enough to say ive relapsed but getting to the point of needing help
sadly my drug counsellors moved to hamilton, another part of NZ (100km or so from auckland but no im not traveling that far to see her!!!)
im on the waiting list to start seeing the only other one whos had experience with IV heroin use (my other problem) therefore is the best choice for me
i talk a bit about it to my friend whos also battling to come off it and we try to come up with ways to stay clean - its pretty hard for me cos i get it free from the gang i used to work for 

its like ill find any excuse to use (this morning it was cause Mum didnt wake me early enough to take my methadone at the desired time and i missed my hair appointment.....8()
then later i so regret it.....even just after the rush i was regretting it - i was looking at 'Bruce' the P pipe and how 'blackened' he was (of course hes not now...i spent all day scrubbing at him with a cotton bud and some methylated spirits - in a neurotic, have-to-make-sure-hes-100%-clean, way) and thinking how much i hated myself for being a P addict
the usual guilt, shame and memories came over me

im now looking into ibogaine
its not available via clinic here of course but i do hav a friend who got off methadone with it and reckoned itd work for my 3 addictions - methadone, valium and (of course) methamphetamine
im willing to try anything now - the time is ticking
its bn 10 yrs on that shit....i want to get on with my life

if one pill can save me from having to wait till im weaned slowly/painfully over 2 yrs off valium, fully stabilised for 6 months then slowly/painfully weaned off methadone over how many yrs before this rehab takes me (and it has an 80% success rate for P addicts - but wat if im not one of the 80%!!!! now thatd b a waste of 15000$$....one of my mates went there and relapsed.....on P, after all), then bring on the ibogaine i say!


----------



## Sweet P

drug_wench said:


> sadly my drug counsellors moved to hamilton, another part of NZ (100km or so from auckland but no im not traveling that far to see her!!!)



It would be so ironic if she's the counsellor who I start seeing in Hamilton! I've decided to get in touch with the drug & alcohol service very soon... it might take a few weeks before I can get an appointment, but it will be good to finally make that step.


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

^ TO PILLTHRILL.. Really? You don't think you need anybody's advice at the moment do you now? 

Do you have any idea what ice can do to you? You play it up to get attention, then play it down when you GET the attention. Seriously dude what the fuck?

I can't post in here anymore seeing your posts. They piss me off, and are insulting. You want a meth addiction? Oh by all means go out and get yourself addicted and see how much fun your life will become. It ruined my life and I wasted YEARS on that shite, and It still haunts me and I have to use every fucking power in me to avoid it like the PLAGUE. 

I don't care if this offends you, your posts in here OFFEND ME.

I cannot read things like how much you enjoy it, how good it is, BLA BLA BLA do you realize how that may affect people? It really fucks with me at a time when I want to come in here and post how fucking hard things are. No you don't. You don't because you keep posting in here. 

You're going to keep hijacking this thread aren't you? Well I'm going to continue to stay away from a good, comforting place I used to be able to express how this drug effects my life.


----------



## Pillthrill

Wow.....I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be a problem and certainly not drive people away from a thread that they need. 


I am rather dissapointed in myself that it has come to this and caused so much damage here. I hope that you can forgive me.

Again, I'm really sorry guys. I hope that you don't judge me or my character solely on this interaction.. I didn't mean to trigger, offend or make anyone mad.

I'm sure posting when I'm high, is a bad idea.


----------



## panic in paradise

Pillthrill said:


> Ok, thank you for your imput. Perhaps since you pointed out denial it might be why I've been acting the way I am. I am listening but not really applying cause I don't think I need to at this point...



thats the point.

im tempted to delete this thread and start a new one. PT, if you can not or do not want to take anyones advice as you have stated above, then stay out of this thread, as stated at the beginning of this, and other specific discussion threads, shit it even says it in the title, "serious discussion only..."

please post in other drugs, or basic drug discussion to chat about your habit. valid points have been made, and 85% or something of the posts in this thread are made by you or are pertaining to you, but you dont get it still. 

once more, please seriously leave this stuff alone, please seriously leave this thread alone unless you have *TDS related comments* to make that have to with meth, when/if you start nearing bottom with the stuff then, come in, post and listen - other wise save it for OD or BDD.
________________________________


*i apologize to any other posters with a meth problem who find sincere peace of mind, and insight in this thread normally.*


----------



## Sweet P

panic in paradise said:


> im tempted to delete this thread and start a new one.



If this thread gets deleted, is there a way to keep Wingnut's post about quitting amphetamines? There was some good advice there. And maybe it would help to rename the thread "Meth/Amphetamine Addiction", or something similar, to make it clearer what the discussion is about. Just a thought.


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## panic in paradise

im sure i could find a way, but i dont want to delete it really.


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## claire22

This has been said before, but I also think it's pretty insulting the way you are completely ignoring our warnings. 
I have been on it for seven yrs. But I had no warning. Nobody showed me the dark side. 
PT you have receivedthe same response over and over: get off it while you can. 
Before it totally sucks you dry.  Before it's all your life revolves around. 
Seeing our posts about meth addiction I think should influence you to get off it

you know what the right decision is, yet you choose to ignore it and persist with the discussion of whether you should stay away from it or not
it's ultimately your decision, but if you choose to persist, you will spiral deeper than you ever knew existed


----------



## footscrazy

I think you're nice Pillthrill, but it hurts me that you don't even acknowledge what I've said to you...I wish you could see me now, how fucking pathetic I look, how I can't stop crying because of my fucking meth addiction today and I've been off it for 6 weeks...this is the worst feeling, I can't even explain it, I wish you would let me know that at least you've read what I've said to you even if it means nothing to you right now.


----------



## Mariposa

drug_wench said:


> im now looking into ibogaine
> its not available via clinic here of course but i do hav a friend who got off methadone with it and reckoned itd work for my 3 addictions - methadone, valium and (of course) methamphetamine
> im willing to try anything now - the time is ticking
> its bn 10 yrs on that shit....i want to get on with my life
> 
> if one pill can save me from having to wait till im weaned slowly/painfully over 2 yrs off valium, fully stabilised for 6 months then slowly/painfully weaned off methadone over how many yrs before this rehab takes me (and it has an 80% success rate for P addicts - but wat if im not one of the 80%!!!! now thatd b a waste of 15000$$....one of my mates went there and relapsed.....on P, after all), then bring on the ibogaine i say!



D_W, I hope a former cocaine addict I know who underwent ibogaine treatment and achieved an excellent level of success sees this thread.  It seems to have been well worth it for him - I believe he relapsed just once in ~2 years (estimate) and is now clean.    Good for you for considering it as another option that can help you achieve long-term sobriety.  

To all who are struggling -     Know that you have the support of some really wonderful people here, and please know also that the mods are working very hard in conjunction with the regulars to keep everybody happy.  If you have a question with which you think they can help, please PM one of them and open a dialogue about it.


----------



## wingnutlives

Sweet P said:


> If this thread gets deleted, is there a way to keep Wingnut's post about quitting amphetamines? There was some good advice there. And maybe it would help to rename the thread "Meth/Amphetamine Addiction", or something similar, to make it clearer what the discussion is about. Just a thought.



Thank you! I worked hard on that post and would definitely like it to be kept, so please, don't delete this thread ok? Thanks! 

Peace!


----------



## panic in paradise

no worries -

please, back on topic now 



wingnutlives said:


> I thought this might be a good post for pointers on how to quit meth/amphetamines and feel good after quitting. I'm not an expert, exactly, but I've found some things that worked well for me so I'll add them here. Hopefully this will be good help for others!
> 
> 1. Take a week (preferably two) off work to spend in bed or around the house. You'll need it! Amphetamines deprive your body from getting enough sleep - even if you think you're getting enough sleep while on them, they take up so much energy from your body that you'll need extra sleep to recover, and I mean a LOT OF IT! When I detoxed from adderall I spent about 16 hours a day sleeping. You might wonder if you'll ever get out of bed again, but by the end of the week you'll find that you can spend at least eight or so hours awake - that means your body is finally getting back to normal. The important thing is to let yourself sleep AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE for the week or two that you have.
> 
> 2. Eat a lot of healthy foods - with lots of protein, vitamins, etc. I know from experience that when you're withdrawing, the last thing you'll want to do is cook, so make sure that you have lots of foods on hand that are easy to eat right away - yogurt, hummus and raw veggies, fruit, prepared sandwiches and pasta salads, etc. Don't worry about eating full meals, just make sure you snack consistently while you're awake and eat as much as you can.
> 
> 3. Stock up on vitamins and supplements to take during withdrawal and afterwards. The first week, take a lot of L-tyrosine (an amino acid that restores dopamine to the brain), a good multivitamin (preferably the "superfood" kind that has stuff like spirulina, chlorella, other herbs, etc.), protein powder, and vitamins/supplements that restore muscle tone (amphetamines weaken your muscles and that's why you'll feel shaky on your feet). Good medication to take during this first week are benzos (be careful with these, you don't want to start a second addiction, but one week of benzos should be fine), and meds for restful sleep such as seroquel.
> The second week, continue your L-tyrosine but stop taking benzos and use seroquel, etc. more sparingly. You may start experiencing more depression or anxiety around this time, so supplements I'd recommend are valerian root or kava (for anxiety) and St. John's Wort (for depression... don't take it at the same time as tyrosine, though). For medication, I don't recommend SSRI's (unless they've worked well for you in the past), but I do recommend Welbutrin and others that work well on the dopamine system. For me, personally, Abilify works really well for depression.
> Note: If you're going to try psych meds to help depression/anxiety systems, make sure you research any interactions with supplements such as L-tyrosine, etc.
> 
> 4. After the end of the first week (or even second week - whenever you can get out of bed for more than a couple hours) you'll want to start EXERCISING A LOT! Your muscles will have been weakened from daily amphetamine use, so you need to work harder to build them back up so you can feel strong on your feet. I recommend short, intense exercising that won't take too much time, but will build your muscles up fast. Try eating a good, healthy meal, waiting an hour or so, and then going on a good run/bike ride/cardio at the gym for as long as you can (at least 15 minutes, but hopefully 1/2hr/45mins if you can do that). After the exercise, replenish your body with a good protein supplement plus a high-protein food (ie. yogurt, meat), wait about an hour or so and then have a nice long sleep to let your muscles rest. Do this EVERY DAY if possible.
> 
> 5. After a couple weeks the worst will be over, so your job is now to keep yourself from relapsing. I recommend removing as much as stress as possible from your life and letting yourself take it easy as much as possible. Also, make sure that you're eating healthy and exercising as often as possible - keep that up! It'll make you feel good and that'll keep you from craving as much. L-tyrosine and the multi-vitamin are the minimum supplements that you should keep taking for the next few months or however long you need them. If you feel the need for a psychiatric medication, you may want to stay on Welbutrin, Abilify, or whatever antidepressant/anxiety med works well for you - stay on it for about 6 months to a year because these meds work best over a several-month duration (and some of them take about six weeks or so to kick in), then you can begin tapering off them.
> 
> Remember that a daily amphetamine habit has long term consequences and you'll need to take extra care of yourself for several months/a couple years after quitting. However, i can tell you from experience that if you take good care of yourself after you quit, you can begin to feel good about life QUITE SOON!



thats a very well thought out and written post, thank you for your work


----------



## drug_wench

*We can do it*



Mariposa said:


> D_W, I hope a former cocaine addict I know who underwent ibogaine treatment and achieved an excellent level of success sees this thread.
> To all who are struggling -     Know that you have the support of some really wonderful people here, and please know also that the mods are working very hard in conjunction with the regulars to keep everybody happy.  If you have a question with which you think they can help, please PM one of them and open a dialogue about it.



yep, great minds think alike mariposa - i was thinking of PMing him today but didnt hav the time in the end......maybe tomorrow night
however one way or another i wud like to know wat he got out of it and how it actually works physically on ur body
must b gd as he is like 20yrs clean now or something?
ive bn told sadly that im probly not a candidate for ibogaine (by Tanea - friend who took it) due to issues with my heart/fairly regular grand mal seizures 
but i can only ask the actual doctor that administers it eh

the second part of wat mariposas saying - we definitely r working hard
this place is a refuge for me too so i work my ass off to make sure this is usually a safehaven (unfortunately im not on 24/7....none of us can b - even mods!), but as u see, PIP, ocean and mariposa hav all popped in to check on things and prune bits and pieces too 
i hav rearranged the OP so it now contains some basic guidelines
they shud b obvious really but we dont want any more drama going on
and like mariposa said, evryone, if u dont feel comfortable posting a question or about an issue u hav with meth/amphetamines u need advice on publically, PM a mod
ive had, as u see, 10yrs worth of experience off-and-on with being addicted to meth, 15yrs of on-and-off taking regular speed both medicinally and recreationally - i can offer plenty of advice
and im sure other mods r happy to help if u dont want to talk to me 

2 days clean from the P!!!! trouble is im in that grumpy funk where little things r getting to me and im shitty/tired/etc etc....oh and hungry - lucky to hav a gd venison casserole from some frozen sika buck we had left over in the freezer (sika, the wild NZ mid-north island deer r particularly succulent)
but even the venison hasnt 'upped the P comedown mood'
shit ive bn wanting to knock certain ppls heads off that wudnt normaly bother me today....

footscrazy - the crying at 6 weeks clean is totally normal
i know u know that but im guessing its somewhat comfortable to hear that too whether u know it or not
ur doing well hun
even tho ur feeling down i want u to tell urself 'i can hold my head up - im wayyy ahead of this drug.....im beating meth and thats one hard ball game - im a warrior'
crying is very cleansing so by all means do so
i was bawling my eyes out about my P-smoking earlier today.....that and just my life being generally out-of-control then i remembered that oneday id conquer it
i hav full confidence in this
takes more than meth to hold me down forever
u tell urself the same
ive seen ur pic - ur a beautiful chick....6 weeks without meth and ull hav gained a bit of weight which makes for an even more beautiful chick....ur hair will b more glossy, ur skin more rosy
rest assured there is plenty going for u
hav u considered going on wellbutrin as u may hav a problem with dopamine-related depression? (lack of dopamine that is)
mariposa - rnt u/havnt u bn on wellbutrin? is there any light u can shed on side effects etc? (may b wrong but i thought id seen u post about it)

claire - i wish someone had showed me TDS at 15 so i knew the effects methamphetamine cud hav on me in future yrs too but thats life
i didnt even know wat the stuff was i was putting up my nose
we can only do wat were equipped to do.....instead of regretting the past we hav to move on and try all we can to get off the shit

PT has apologized and removed all offensive posts - lets, as PIP said, get back on topic

btw - i agree with PIP, unless anyone objects (in which case i can just do heaps of pruning) i see no reason to restart this thread
lets just move on
well b on the next page sooner or later

luv and light all 
off to blast my brain with nicotine - the closest to a proper dopamine fix ive got for now


----------



## Slain

Not sure if this is the place to ask about Speed - I mean, you're all obviously more versed in it than myself, but I have what may seem a stupid question to ask... so do I ask it here, or is there a topic or thread someone can point me in the direction of?


----------



## rangrz

I'll say straight I dont want to quit. ut I support anyone who does.

when I decide I need a reak from, or am forced to stop, I find exercise, hard brutal exercise is really helpful.

I also find video games really help get your mind off the drug, cause you right engrossed into the game instead.

just tossing a couple of ideas out.


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## footscrazy

^^ I agree, exercise_ is _really good. It's about the only healthy addiction I've ever really had!  I have to get back into it again. I like jogging gently for as long as I can and then when I'm so tired I absolutely can't take another step, I force myself to sprint for 50m (pretend the cops are chasing me and BOLT!). My breath will be rasping after that and I'll almost fall over but it's the one way I can really get the endorphins going - it feels really good! 

Video games I can't get into - attention span is waay to short, I never even get past learning the instructions.


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## gorgoroth

All I can say is I know longer crave amphetamines, In fact yesterday I decided NOT to take my 60 milligrams of dexedrine!!!  
let alone methamphetamine again.


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## drugfukkdrockstar

^Oh!! brilliant!! Well done :D


----------



## footscrazy

drug_wench, thanks so much, I just noticed your post! Thanks, it is reassuring...it does help to have someone who has been through it all before because while my friends are supportive they also don't always understand...so thankyou  I KNOW that you will beat it one day too, you are so strong.
 I have considered wellbutrin, but when I asked about it the doc said she thought it would be better if I just wasn't on anything for awhile, to let my brain recover without ANY drugs, medication or the illegal kind.


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## Sweet P

Slain said:


> Not sure if this is the place to ask about Speed - I mean, you're all obviously more versed in it than myself, but I have what may seem a stupid question to ask... so do I ask it here, or is there a topic or thread someone can point me in the direction of?



Check the guidelines on the first page of this thread. If your question is about speed addiction, feel free to post! Otherwise a seperate thread might be more suitable. Contact a moderator if you're still not sure - they don't bite.


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## Sweet P

gorgoroth said:


> All I can say is I know longer crave amphetamines, In fact yesterday I decided NOT to take my 60 milligrams of dexedrine!!!
> let alone methamphetamine again.



Well done! Cravings have been ruling my life for almost 2 years. I look forward to the day when I can finally get rid of them for good.


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## shith3ad

tweekers.


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## Sweet P

shith3ad said:


> tweekers.



You called?


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## rangrz

shith3ad said:


> tweekers.



*grabs sunglasses and ripped tracksuit* reporting in, you need a car stero or something?


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## jspun

I have 10 months clean. I was going through my disaster of a storage closet and found my meth pipe. First I smelled it and got a slight tweek taste, then i tried to smoke the residue and got nothing more than a vague tweek taste in my mouth maybe an increase in pulse but no real high- it had been gone over before I got clean. That developed into an insane desire to use and obsession about the drug (all aspects of the drug). Anyway, over the last two days I tried to hook up on the street, I convinced myself that I wouldn't be giving up my clean time since I was a heroin addict mostly in my disease. Tried calling my old connects number and it was disconected. I looked around my area, where tweek had a presence in the hot spots now its just weed around my house. Drove to a park which was where I went a few times last summer ended up getting beat which was probably for the best. Even drove down a street known for hookers in another part of town but didn't see any ladies- often a good backup strategy. Pretty seductive drug, I consider myself lucky, only lost $20 and more importantly this could have resulted in a disasterous relapse losing thousands and my freedom, but I still want to use badly. Seems there's a drought around here or God's got my back, or whatever I'm gonna surf and hit meetings to keep my mind off it- mind going 1,000,000 miles a minute right now.


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## footscrazy

^^ Ahh the old pipes! It's why I think it's so important to get rid of them when you quit. When I first decided to quit I didn't get rid of them for 2 weeks and I used to sit on my bed and stare at the drawer they were in. It's hard to say goodbye to them - especially when I looked at them and saw some nice little crystals stuck to the bottom. 

I think it's lucky you weren't able to find a hook up - but I also think getting this far along into relapsing you'll have to do a lot of work to not relapse, if you don't want to. I know that myself, by the time I've got to the stage of calling hook ups to get it, I'm 99% of the way to getting on and it's extremely hard to stop that ball rolling then (actually, I've never been able to stop myself that far along). What plans do you have to stop yourself...? You said you're going to hit your meetings, I think that's a good idea. 

Another thing I've realised it that relapses start waay before you get to the stage of calling people to get on - finding the meth pipes for you was obviously a trigger, but do you think this started before then? That maybe you were becoming complacent about quitting or maybe you're going through a rough patch in your life? I think it helps to identify these things so you can be more aware in the future.

These cravings you're experiencing will go away, 10 months is such an achievement jspun, that's amazing and a real inspiration to me. Stay strong, I know you can do it!


----------



## jspun

Hey footcrazy, thanks for the encouragement. Relapse has definitely been a process. Taken the drugs away and I still like to read about drugs on this board, live vicariously through others, ect... From a 12 step standpoint I'm going to a meeting a day, talking to my sponsor (haven't told him yet.), have support group but I'm stuck on my 4th step so I need to get busy. This website is not always the best place for me, maybe I should stick to dark side. I'm just getting ready to go surf to clear my head and my home group is tonight. Also, in my desperation yesterday I posted on one of those party and play websites and someone responded. I'm straight and told him so. He wasn't willing to help me out if playing wasn't involved. Its been a crazy 36-48 hrs.


----------



## lestahb

I'm so frustrated lately.  I quit meth nearly four years ago now, but I am still feeling the consequences.  i'm living with my parents, i'm 30 and it sucks.  i'm trying to save up for a down payment on a house and do the responsible thing, but i just feel like i'm still reaping what i sowed.  i work hard at my job, but i still recklessly spend, and i have little attention span and i just started concerta to help with that.  my brain should have healed from the meth right?  i have no motivation to do anything.  i just sit on my laptop all the time, just filling the time between work and sleep.  i don't outright crave meth, but i do miss the way you could just forget all your problems by getting so engrossed in organizing papers or other useless chores, even while your world was falling apart.  i was completely clean and sober for three and half years, then i had a couple of drinks a few months ago, which i don't really care about, i'm okay with drinking, but i felt that i had to stay away from everything for a good while.  all of my friends are married, with houses and careers.  i just feel like i'm hibernating until i can fast forward until i catch up to where i'm supposed to be, and that just makes no sense.  i mean its summer and i am so white because i don't go outside.  i just feel lost.


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## jspun

So I shared about what I tried to do, how I got ripped off, got rid of my pizel last night with a friend in the program ( had a little smashing ceremony- i know kind of lame and cheesy in a programy melodramatic sort of way. Got a response from the party and play website and this guy posted his phone number ( different from first guy I mentioned in my earlier post, he had responded to my post initially but didn't hear from him until just now ( 2 days later) were he posted his phone number. The impression I got is that this guy will hook me up if even if I'm not willing to "play" unlike the first guy to respond. Pea sized warped brain in my head telling me to take alittle vacation from this recovery bullshit but I talked so much shit at the meeting last night, lots of melodrama even by my standards which are hard to top- that I look like a real asshole comming back saying I ended up getting some after all that. Brain going a billion miles a minute again, will go to the beach and clear my head. I was a heroin addict for most of my career but this is a _highly_ seductive drug. Can almost taste it now and that pure euphoria-having trouble making the intellectual leap to the jittery, shity, 8-12 hour comedown that will follow. That will unless I have something to take the edge off that is. i should call someone in the program but a huge part of me doesn't want to. I'm being pathetic and lame- I'll go jump in the water and quit mindfucking myself about all this- besides I haven't even talked to the guy, he probably wants to figure out a way to "play" too. Don't know how coherent this is post is but WTF my brain is spinin.


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## jspun

Took my 2 y.o. daughter to the beach in a wagon. Ran into someone from the program out of the blue while I was going back and forth about calling the number from the internet. There's a beach cove at the bottom of stairs that go down cliff. Had a awesome day with my daughter- she's so beautiful, I'm blessed beyond belief, but all the time kept thinkin about shards. Anyway, some assholes threw my daughters wagon down cliff, ended up at base adjacent to beach of other cove. Happened to notice this on our way back up the stairs. Brought beach stuff and shovels to top of stairs and went back to retrive wagon. When I got there some little skinny punk had picked it up and was dragging it to beach. I told him it was mine and he droped it yeld something to his friend and scurried away. A cool fuckin ritcheous girl helped me carry it to the top of the stairs, said she saw assholes who did this and how it was an increadably fucked up thing to do. I'm guessing it was the fucking kook down at the base of the cliff who did it. I could have snapped his skinny little fucking neck and taught him alittle something about respect (the little bitch probably wasn't from around here). But I was holding my 2 year old daughter so how realistic would that have been. Plus I didn't have proof because I didn't see it happen. Thats fucked up though, not the fact that the wagon is expensive (over 100 bucks) and its my fault to an extent for leaving it unattended, but getting rides in that wagon is one of my daughters favorite thing in the world and losing it would have broken her little heart. Usually people around here that are actually from around here show respect, thats why I like this place. Jonesing for tweek more than ever and thinking about the number I have. My wife who saw her Doc a couple of hours ago to get suboxone (she is doing a different track than NA) hasn't come to relieve me so I can go surf and there's waves! Storms that are hitting the coasts of our P loving friends in New Zealand are throwing swell into our swell window. Going insane thinking of getting shards. My brain also tells me , forget the crystal, just go to urgent care, fake a back injury, and get vicodin as a concilation prize. Plan is to hit two mtgs tonight, call my friend, and there is a punk show tonight that peolple from the program are going to go see. As a long time dope fiend (heroin) I used to laugh at people that would come to the program talking about them "kicking" tweek. Just fuckin go to sleep and shut up I used to think, what do you have to complain about. But lately, the obsession for methamphetamine in particular has been kicking my ass hard core, I want to call that number and get just a tiny taste. I'm not thinking about my daughter, or wife, or friends in NA, or parents, or all the good things I have after 10 months clean that I can very easily lose, and there's finally waves for fucks sake, but all I can think about right now is finding away to get ahold of some bomb ass fire.


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## Pillthrill

I just want to say...I should have listened. 
Alreadying hitting lows I would said I would never hit again. 
Not to mention, my relationship may be over. I don't know at this point

2 days and I believe my body is somewhat upset with me about it. Digestive issues. But it could be that I don't remember the last time I ate. This is the worst drug I could have ever stepped into. Now I have to figure how to dig myself out. 

It hit me pretty hard when my friend was watching me kinda freak when we couldn't find any for the night. I call it the little green drug monster in my brain that chews on my neurons until it gets what it wants. 
Just watching me, he said "Wow, you're not doing so hot huh? You know, it has only been a month and your like that? It took me a year of doing meth to get where you are."
I had nothing to say to that. 

A friend called me on the brusing on my arm yesterday (damn people that used to do rehab care) all I could say was, "Yeah, I know. I'm in deep trouble." There is a very large amount of shame that comes with such things....


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## jspun

> 2 days and I believe my body is somewhat upset with me about it. Digestive issues. But it could be that I don't remember the last time I ate. This is the worst drug I could have ever stepped into. Now I have to figure how to dig myself out.




Consider buying ensure if you can afford it. I don't know your whole story but usually hydration, electrolyte balance more pressing than undernourishment. Drink stuff to replace fluids and electrolytes. Throw some fructose in the mix so you don't get acidotic. Consider NA/AA- meetings and letting people know what I've been up to helped me from going insane. That and surfing although that probably isn't an option for you living in Iowa. Besides as they say if you don't surf don't start. I'm guessing there are meetings within 50 miles of you though.



> It hit me pretty hard when my friend was watching me kinda freak when we couldn't find any for the night. I call it the little green drug monster in my brain that chews on my neurons until it gets what it wants.



I'm still jonesing hard and haven't been able to find any yet. Keep going back and forth with it between it wasn't ment to be, I'm blessed I didn't hook up and fuck this shit just for today I want to get sparked as fuck. Was actively looking for some today as a matter of fact. Went up to a town called Oceanside but i don't know if there was a recent sweep or what. Keep thinking TJ might be a good option, I have some familiarity with the scene there- see if shits the same. Or I'll do the sensible thing and not use today. This is why a sick fuck like me needs the program-i've been completely fortright with people about what i've been planning. I don't know if you read what I posted- found old pipe that fired up my jonesing but still have 10 months by some great miracle. God or luck aren't making it easy for me to use.

Good luck to you! Didn't get to read all the posts that people were flaming you for but sometimes sharing about where your at whether you consider it good or bad is part of the healing process, the process of being restored to sanity. Scare tactics and doom and gloomonly only stories- we saw how the whole Nancy Reagan "just say no" deal worked out. Hang in there young lady, I'm sure you'll do good and you can look back at all this as if its just a bady dream. Have to go- Cocaine Anonymous mtg bonfire on the beach so I don't give in to my sick head.


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## jspun

By the way due to the censorship imposed on this thread, I don't know exactly what you posted, what heinous sin you commited to face such widespread derision and condemnation thrill, but It sounds to me that you have a good attitude and you have handled the vicious caustic flames and criticism hurled at you with dignity and civility, and that counts for alot. %)You sound like this drug hasn't beat the principle and integrity out of you yet. An appology didn't seem waranted to me but its probably good you did in the interest of diplomacy. I mean gee, meth makes you feel good as fuck...you don't say. Lets not offend anyone's delicate sensibilities. 8) I think the truth as you see it is your best friend. Not to push mtgs but there might be one or two people that will listen patiently and thoughtfully about your perceptions of your attitude towards shards whether glowingly enthusiastic or incomprehensibly despairing. And if you choose this route this next suggestion I consider extreemly important- listen not for unsolicited advice but for them to share their experience. I find experience based suggestion from from people that are showing meassurable results invaluable. Those that would kick me when I'm down I see little of value constructively to me. In fact I have high hopes for you. I have years of experience being strung out on heroin, pills, and cocaine mostly with a good maybe year meth run in the mix and I'll tell you that despite the living hell of active addiction I've seen in all its glory my mind keeps
obsessing on using one more time, this time shards are what my brain is craving to the point I feel physically sick from the obsession and spinning brain syndrome . Mtgs have helped- they might not help everyone but for all the anoying bullshit and people sounding brainwashed they have a proven track record and I look for results- people with solid years clean, living a life that seems to me worth living, a life free from the obsession to use drugs based on helping others. Hope that someday I too might trully be happy without drugs. And this NA deal is  the only thing keeping me even part of the way from jumping through my skin in the light of the events of the last couple of days. But overall, In all reality despite the episodic jonesing I experience during these 10 months clean,  the life I have now is way better than anything I had using despite my whinning and best efforts to sabotage my recovery.  Today I accept that as addicts, the desire to use might return from time to time is not beyond the real of possibility.8) And today I am learning to live life on life's terms not wishing it could get better if I could only be "strong" this time, but rather taking positive action when it occurs. Being honest about the spun, insane shit going on in my mind with my support group and the shit I was pulling was also invaluable. Other people sharing the truth about the thoughts going through their heads about fiending for drugs made me realize that wanting to use, or liking dope is not a damable, abnormal, obscene, or heretical act but a normal state for an addict for whom the solution demands empathy, compasion, honesty, and trust.  If you feel like its still working for you its ok to still use, and if you feel that way but have some doubts its ok to mention to people at mtgs, I can guaranty your chances of getting crucified and character assasinated the truth as you see it are much less than this message board with its enlightened rules and regulations.8) The key is to be concise leaving out graphic details which would bore people more than anything else. What ever you decide to do good luck and God bless and remember the truth never got anyone loaded but I have seen plenty of people go out over resentments. 

P.S. And about the relationship with your boyfriend I'll tell you my experience. Our marriage was on the rocks and going to a 12 step program by my own volition showed to her I seriously wanted it and even though she knows I've been jonesing she also takes into account I'm trying by going to mtgs and she cuts me slack- and we were seperated. The changes she saw in me more than even the stoping of drug use made a big enough impression on her to restablish a measure of trust- our marriage has been greatly repaired. Anyway thats my experience with that.


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## drug_wench

jspun - that 'censorship' we hav on this board is for a reason
if certain posts (in this thread PT mostly chose to remove them herself btw) cause others to b 'triggered' then we mods remove them (or the ppl themselves remove them if they feel bad about it - kudos to PT for doing so) however this '8)' stuff, no offense, but is a little disrespectful towards ppl who r trying to protect ppl like *u* from being triggered etc
as u dont know wat PT said earlier, who r u to judge the ppl who were angered and hurt by her earlier posts? (which i again say she did the right thing in removing)
finally......that topic was finished with on the last page and not sposed to b brought up again

i think wat u need to do is...if u cant stop thinking about meth, despite going to meetings as much as poss and having a daughter (u need to do this for her too remember!), and leading wat sounds like a full-on life with plenty to do, why dont u try going to an alcohol/drug counsellor?
ud b surprised - mine helped me come up with so many diffrent ideas to keep me clean from P
u never know wat will work till u try it
the other thing is....u say ur on ur 4th step
i got up to step 4 wen i was going to NA and it was a fucking tough one that sparked off all kinds of crazy thoughts/emotions/feelings....and, yes, cravings, in me
however wen i got *past* step 4 it was like a sigh of relief....esp doing step 5 and actually getting step 4 off my chest!
so think about it in this way too.....if u keep ur eyes focussed on this particularly hard goal, wen uve reached it, the cravings will most likely pass

footscrazy - u r sooo right about the pipe hun! (btw, if u can get by with no meds to help u stay clean, go for gold, but if u feel like using, my advice is go to a diffrent psych and explain how depressed u r and ur cravings for meth)

that is my problem (paraphernalia)....i cant get rid of 'bruce' (named after Bruce Dickinson - for u non-iron maiden geeks, thats their lead singer)
of course Bruce Dickinson wud not approve of the fact that i am definitely not a 'Weekend Warrior' (song about someone who uses only in the weekends, only in the actual song he's singing about how they '_aint that way anymore_'......i think the songs referring to alcohol but all the same....)
but anyway, to steer off the subject of my geeky power metal obsession, 'bruce' is my rather diminutive (sadly i think of him as 'cute' and scarily i hav even appointed him a gender.....P problem?....nooooo.....8() P pipe
i threw out 'bulby', the 'MacGyver-style' (ie. 'lightbulb with bottom removed') pipe.....while 'he' (yes, again, appointed gender) was full of shards - hell i even gave up 'burnadette', who like 'bruce' was ur standard P pipe, only with a much longer stem (but she was not full of shards at the time so 'bulby' was more of an accomplishment, esp as he was my first pipe)
damn those pipes! damn 'bruce' - hes the whole reason i go, like, anywhere between a couple of days to a couple of weeks before something gets me down and i give in
i cant get rid of my IV equipment either
i havnt injected (well not P - i had a stint with morphine while i was still stabilising once again on a higher dose of methadone yesterday ) methamphetamine for months but i still keep the equipment 'just in case'
my problem is neither getting worse nor getting better

i wud go back to NA but wats the point wen all my old 'friends' there look at me like theyre going to catch a heroin/methamphetamine relapse then im not even allowed to speak at the meetings cos apparently ur not 'clean' wen ur on methadone or valium (neither of which i can just go CT on - ffs i was on benzos for epilepsy....and ive brought the dosage down considerably anyway.....and im not going to even try and get off methadone until ive bn off heroin long enough, and im finished coming painfully off valium) 
some of them even consider me 'not clean' for being on antipsychotics/antidepressants
tbh i dont want to go back if ppl can b so snobbish anyway.....it was always a bit 'cliquey' and i was never one of the 'cliques'
and yes, i do want to b free to hav the odd glass of wine without getting drunk.....or the odd puff of weed to relax me wen im at parties etc (its hardly like im toking away madly all the time on my own and i despise getting drunk these days)
thats just kind of sad cos i think we need a sort-of 'in-between' version of NA over here, like perhaps 'PA' ('P' Anonymous ), where it really doesnt matter if u use other fairly harmless drugs occasionally.....the focus is staying off P, our countrys biggest problem as far as drugs go!

on the other hand i hav a new philosophy some of u others might agree with - is it such a gd idea keeping track of how long were clean, proud as it makes us feel? cos then if we fail (and lets face it that can often happen numerous times before we get it, esp with meth/amphetamines....look at me, 10 yrs and im still battling....doesnt mean i dont truly believe that oneday, somehow ill find something that works for me and ill get off it) we feel guilt/shame/etc etc etc and r more likely to keep going - ie. turn it from a simple slip to a full-blown relapse
i find it does me more harm than gd wen i count down fanatically how many days clean i am nowdays and im actually just accepting 'oh i used P.....maybe a couple of weeks ago.....dont remember the date, still clean from it, gd on me' but not getting too hung up about it if i slip again
cos shit happens

but to those who dont take on this philosophy i fully respect that too and if u r big on clean time and hav achieved....well _any_ then give urselves a pat on the back!

sorry i havnt stopped in for awhile - i actually find it triggering sometimes talking about it
other times i find it cathartic - and i feel i need to b here for u guys first and foremost


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## jspun

Yea, Drug Wench I owe you an apology. With the jonesing my mind had been running full out and having worked a 4th steps you probably know the symptoms of untreated addiction is anger, resentment, and discontent (I'm still under the resentment section in the 4th step column 4- finding my place in things. I'm better today. I gathered PT had taken out alot of the posts from what was said. I got angered because it seemed people were ganging up on someone who needed compasion. I was impressed by her way of handling the attacks, she did so with great tact and politenesswhich was my main point to give her a well deserved encouragemeny. But I don't know the whole deal and we don't trigger the jones. I'm pissed at the elitism and with respects to meds there is a pamplet called in times of illness, I'll post later just don't have time now. Sorry about the sarcasm you guys are doing a great job it allowed me to vent- Wish I could have seen the threads though. Anyway I'll post in the next through hours. Anyway we have good swell (waves) now that are being caused by storms off your nations coast and this is helping my cravings immensely (acutely more than meetings) so if your getting rained on so I can maintain alittle serenetity the leas I can do is show soime respect I'll


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## ocean

Lest- I'm sorry you feel down about your situation.....BUT it does say something about your character that you are able to take responsibility for the actions of your past and work hard to create a better life for yourself- even when that requires you to do things that you may not like (living with the parents for a time to save up for your own place). I respect that alot.
I hope that things improve quickly for you and you continue to remain sober! 
Way to go you! \

Foots- How are you doing??


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## lestahb

thanks ocean,
i appreciate the encouragement.  i went out with my friends last night instead of sitting at home and it felt good.  i enjoyed the late late night breakfast fun, and i'm trying to focus on now instead of the past and the future.  meth just messed me up so bad and i freak out sometimes when i spend to much time alone in the quiet.  its like the psychosis comes back when you are silent to long, but i think that is just in my head, i am okay now.  
just a quick question for anyone out there.  has anyone used concerta after meth?  i'm worried that i'm drug seeking (NA thoughts i guess), but my doctor recomended it to me because it is extended release and is hard to abuse.  and i'm not abusing it, in that i'm only taking the recommended dosage.  i just wonder if why i lept to meth in the beginning was ADD.  
it seems to be helping at work, and at focusing on paperwork and at work meetings.


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## jspun

Cravings more manageable today- not feeling as out of my mind today. Sorry again for my 8) 's. I'll keep the sedition to a minimum. I hope PT that you're finding your thrills on somewhere besides crankberry hills.



> just a quick question for anyone out there. has anyone used concerta after meth? i'm worried that i'm drug seeking (NA thoughts i guess), but my doctor recomended it to me because it is extended release and is hard to abuse. and i'm not abusing it, in that i'm only taking the recommended dosage. i just wonder if why i lept to met in the beginning was ADD.
> it seems to be helping at work, and at focusing on paperwork and at work meetings.



I don't have direct experience with this drug unfortuanately but your approach is kosher by NA standards, lestahb. My brain is telling me to try dexedrine or adderall for the same type of indication but to avoid NA guidelines ostensibly to not prejudice the practicioner with my drug abuse history.

Ocean, sounds like your doing the responsible thing, it will probably pay off eventually if you stay clean.

Thanks DW about the drug counselor suggestion I'll take it under consideration, I think I should atleast start seeing a psychiatrist. Got phone number of one fromm my friend in the program that has a reputation for treating addicts progressively%) (not drug hysterically). I think I need to get a better foundation so I am able to practice more honesty and sanity.



> who r u to judge the ppl who were angered and hurt by her earlier posts?



A complete idiot...contempt prior to investigation on my part. 8) (Rolling eyes at myself this time). On the other hand, based on what I saw, and was able to infer from existing posts I think PT acted with integrity in cleaning up her side of the street. I think its safe to say that this is probably the the consensus opinion among people on this board. 



> that is my problem (paraphernalia)....



DW, like you said relapse is a process. I was at a Heroin Anonymous mtg today and this dude found his tweek pipe which had a "puddle" in the bowel. He's newer than me and he smashed the pipe because he thought through were it was going to lead, instead of going on a buying expedition like me-point is attitude and spiritual fitness make all the difference.



> cant get rid of 'bruce' (named after Bruce Dickinson - for u non-iron maiden geeks, thats their lead singer)



Did you atleast get rid of 'Paul' (Di' Anno)? Actually early maiden is great tweak music, not talkin about the tempo but the esotheric vibe on songs like Killers goes with it for me (and albums up to "Piece of Mind." Did you ever call one of the lightbulb pipes "Cross Eyed Mary."

Now In all seriousness I like the idea of the P anonymous, hopefully you can put something together, because i would like to see more flexibility in options available for people that are addicted to meth.

Got a couple more things to say but wife just came out and yelled at me- late. Got to watch daughter tommorow.


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## jspun

> on the other hand i hav a new philosophy some of u others might agree with - is it such a gd idea keeping track of how long were clean, proud as it makes us feel? cos then if we fail (and lets face it that can often happen numerous times before we get it, esp with meth/amphetamines....look at me, 10 yrs and im still battling....doesnt mean i dont truly believe that oneday, somehow ill find something that works for me and ill get off it) we feel guilt/shame/etc etc etc and r more likely to keep going - ie. turn it from a simple slip to a full-blown relapse
> i find it does me more harm than gd wen i count down fanatically how many days clean i am nowdays and im actually just accepting 'oh i used P.....maybe a couple of weeks ago.....dont remember the date, still clean from it, gd on me' but not getting too hung up about it if i slip again
> cos shit happens



I've struggled with similar issues. If times going to turn into a stumbling block its time to stop counting and concentrate on not using today. Self esteem should be derived from how we can be of service to others.



> i wud go back to NA but wats the point wen all my old 'friends' there look at me like theyre going to catch a heroin/methamphetamine relapse then im not even allowed to speak at the meetings cos apparently ur not 'clean' wen ur on methadone or valium (neither of which i can just go CT on - ffs i was on benzos for epilepsy....and ive brought the dosage down considerably anyway.....and im not going to even try and get off methadone until ive bn off heroin long enough, and im finished coming painfully off valium)
> some of them even consider me 'not clean' for being on antipsychotics/antidepressants



No one has the right to tell you your not clean for being on a prescription medication. I'm sure whats true for the USA is true for NZ in that even if you have legitimately gotten high, everything is a suggestion, they can't prevent you from speaking. Besides its a violation of traditions 1, some aspects of 2, 3, 5, and, some aspects of 8, and 10. Also violates both concepts 9 & 10 of NA service. "In times of illness" says its ok to use prescription meds and clean time remains unimpaired. Also, I was on MMT up to 135mg at highest dose plus Xanax and klonopin. I remember some idiot trying to talk me into jumping off at 115 when I was tapering the dose. His rational was "your going to have to go through hell anyway, why put it off by doing this tapering bullshit, your just fooling yourself, blah, blah, blah. I tapered eventually and didn't go through hell. The point is he was dispensing advice from his font of wisdom and not only had this guy never been on methadone, he was a recovering tweeker. So bottom line is to your own self be true. Please don't let taking scripts, 1 that you need to prevent seizures keep you from mtgs. 



> tbh i dont want to go back if ppl can b so snobbish anyway.....it was always a bit 'cliquey' and i was never one of the 'cliques'



Big point of contention for me. Alot of big hip young peoples mtgs especially in AA and to a lesser extent CA in San Diego. NA I like because the youth there are less thinking their all that. One thing that makes me glad I kept my time is that I want to work towards trying to make as many as possible feel included. DW- what is the AA/NA scene like were your from. How is it cliquey? What are the people like- alot of young people? 

Good Luck- If you decide program it needs cool people like you with your awsome attitude%), otherwise I'm sure you'll get past this whatever path you choose.


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## Ravr

I didn't know where else  to put this but here goes:

How do you tell someone who is on meth that they are not smelling so fresh? Is there anything I can suggest for them to do  to make themselves smell fresh? He is usually up for 3 days, but I'm sure I saw him take a shower?

Thanks


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## )4u2nV(Infini

I've only tried Dexedrine and Ritalin, what's "crystal meth" like...or what meth's are you referring to? Hmm interesting drug, never been interested in trying it after seeing what it does to people. I'll stick to recreational E, Coke, Weed, and liquor. Never had a problem keeping any of these under control. I don't understand how people get hooked on coke...I never crave it, or crave another line...coming off for me is getting hungry and tired. Well guess I'm a bit off-topic, I'd love to know though what crystal meth is like.


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## panic in paradise

^
read through this, and previous "Meth - Amp" mega-threads, and you'll get a pretty good idea of what the final outcome feels like.


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## )4u2nV(Infini

It's the high I more wonder about. But after watching sketch-show meth addicts in Burger King at 7 AM and other places while coming off wicked E parties I realized that drug is in no way desirable. People look like retards on it. Excuse me if that insults anyone heh... When I use Dexedrine I use it for making me better at whatever I have to do. Super hung over? Have to go to work? Pop 30mg of Dexedrine SR, or 15mg of the non time-released stuff...and boom your better then ever at work. Ritalin I used for medical reasons when I was in elementary school (ADD), but after researching how similar its effects are to cocaine I am about to get some more for free to try this out. I love science experiments.


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## footscrazy

^^ This probably isn't the best thread to discuss the high as some people may find that triggering...but obviously people like me really like the high. The other thing to remember is that cravings can hit you out of the blue, you say you don't crave coke now but it doesn't necessarily mean you never will, that's just a warning, to keep mindful of your use and keep reevaluating where you are...

The prob I've found with stimulants is that by the time you wonder whether you might be in too deep you most definitely are and it's much harder than you might first think to quit...




ocean said:


> Foots- How are you doing??



I'm doing ok, same old same old  Still off, 7 weeks today 

The cravings have been getting better the last couple of days, more managable... I can't go to my meeting this week because of work, I hope that's ok for me. 

More and more though I've been really wanting to get on other drugs, I want to get on mephedrone, heroin, ketamine or pills... I'm just worried that it will lead me to getting on the meth. What are other people's experience with this, can you get on other drugs without relapsing on or really craving meth...? 

I actually admitted some shit to myself when I first quit, that I can not do any stimulants because it will lead me to buying meth - well I suppose that's my answer, but I suppose I'm just thinking if it's different now I've had 7 weeks off, I dunno...


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## Pillthrill

I want out...


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## footscrazy

^^ Are you going to then? What plans have you made to stop, and to keep off it? These things need to be set in stone for anyone having trouble with stimulants to stick to them. I suggest writing it all down, every little thing - write a pros and cons table, write down how you will deal with every single situation from friends using around you to dealing with cravings.

You might feel like shit but trust me, you've been using for a few months if that, your whole life hasn't yet become based around using meth, I'm sure you have friends who don't use - you're in a MUCH better situation to quit now than if you decide to get keep going for another year or 5. It will just get worse from here, this is just the beginning. Do you believe that though? I don't understand why you started using or why you keep going, or more importantly, why you keep complaining about it but never seem to actually do anything about stopping.


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## ocean

footscrazy said:


> ^^ This probably isn't the best thread to discuss the high as some people may find that triggering...but obviously people like me really like the high. The other thing to remember is that cravings can hit you out of the blue, you say you don't crave coke now but it doesn't necessarily mean you never will, that's just a warning, to keep mindful of your use and keep reevaluating where you are...
> 
> The prob I've found with stimulants is that by the time you wonder whether you might be in too deep you most definitely are and it's much harder than you might first think to quit...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm doing ok, same old same old  _Still off, 7 weeks today_
> 
> The cravings have been getting better the last couple of days, more managable... I can't go to my meeting this week because of work, I hope that's ok for me.
> 
> More and more though I've been really wanting to get on other drugs, I want to get on mephedrone, heroin, ketamine or pills... I'm just worried that it will lead me to getting on the meth. What are other people's experience with this, can you get on other drugs without relapsing on or really craving meth...?
> 
> I actually admitted some shit to myself when I first quit, that I can not do any stimulants because it will lead me to buying meth - well I suppose that's my answer, but I suppose I'm just thinking if it's different now I've had 7 weeks off, I dunno...



The bolded is EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!
VERY VERY PROUD OF YOU! 
You have come a long way! 
Yay Foots!!!

As far as other drugs- 
I personally would stay away b/c I wouldn't want to risk it-
But it also depends on what you want for yourself-
BUT You know it has been a long hard road thus far- do you want to chance it?
Possibly have to do the last 7 weeks all over again???
And heroin is pretty heavy stuff...is this something you really want to play with?
I think you know the answer.........
I hope you are okay with the choice you make......


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## )4u2nV(Infini

Sorry didn't mean to do anything like that, trigger or anything. Was just curious.


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## lestahb

footscrazy - about using other drugs.  i guess i needed to stay clean from everything for a long while, because i used and abused meth to escape.  if i turned to another drug right away, i would have flung myself into that headfirst.  i don't know if it would have led me back to meth, but it might have, and coming off of meth was the hardest thing i ever did.  7 weeks is excellent.  i felt that my body had to heal, i ravaged it pretty badly with the drugs, my spacial abilities and attention span were crap, and those came back quite a bit.  (not totally, it definetly changed me, but i'm learning to live with it).

keep up the good work, when you think back to the using days, every day away from meth is a miracle.


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## wingnutlives

Four weeks off adderall except for a one-night relapse... But I'm starting to crave it a lot because I feel so weak and tired - I don't know why that is, maybe because I used ecstasy two times since then and it weakened my body. i've been exercising a lot more and sleeping more, but it doesn't seem to be helping at this point. Maybe the E messed me up too much, it wipes me out a lot and then I crave adderall because I want to be awake and functional for the next week afterwards. So far I haven't had any....


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## Jabberwocky

wingnutlives, I'm pretty sure you have reviewed threads and articles about ways to more quickly readily bounce back from rollin but maybe if you reviewed some threads and data in ED you'd find something new or overlooked before that could help.


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## jspun

Wonder how effective a tool would be adderall or dexedrine in managing meth addicts within the framework of harm reduction analogous to MMT and heroin?


----------



## Crankinit

Anyone who has more experience with severe addiction feel free to correct me, but it would seem to me that it would be a useful tool in preventing relapse once someone has quit, but it wouldn't be like MMT where you can just swap over from one to the other.

The main purpose of MMT, as I understand it, is to prevent physical withdrawal so the user can 'quit' heroin and the associated lifestyle without having to deal with the withdrawal and craving. They stop taking heroin, they start taking their methadone daily and try get out of the heroin lifestyle.

The problem I see with trying to use prescription stimulants in a similar role for meth addiction is that they'd need to be taking massive doses to counteract their tolerance and the dependance they have on the drug to deal with day to day activities. You'd just be substituting meth for an equivelant quantity of rx stims. If you went from a gram a day habit to 60mg of adderall you'd just lose all ability to function much as anyone withdrawing would, it just wouldn't be that effective in the face of a high tolerance and the massive beatdown your body would have taken from the meth.

Once a user has quit and their tolerance has gone down and their body has somewhat recovered, I can see rx stims being useful in preventing relapse, since they'll counteract any dopamine deficiencies from the meth abuse and give you the extra boost that you might otherwise turn to meth for.

That's just my 2c from what I know and what I've seen other people go through, anybody who's more experienced with that level of meth abuse feel free to correct me.


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## footscrazy

^^ I sort of feel like maintenance therapy with adderall or whatever may not be so helpful. Like you said, I think the main difference of bupe/methadone is that it prevents the physical withdrawal, plus, as far as I'm aware bupe/methadone are much less toxic to the body and brain to stay on for an extended period of time than meth/amphetamines. 

For people that use meth/amphetamine to self medicate (for ADD/ADHD) I would fully support they go on precribed amphetamines. But for people who use meth/amphetamine for other reasons, I wonder how helpful it would really be to reduce cravings. One of the reasons I quit was I got _so sick _ or craving it all the time, it was _always_ there, apart from maybe one hour after getting on. I feel like maintenance on amphetamines, for me, would just feed into that craving, so it never went away - I don't think any daily dose could hold me long. 

When  was still activily using methamphetamine I tried to get prescribed amphetamines, but now I have 7 weeks off I'd hate to go on them. I have a feeling all it would do it reawaken that need I have for meth which thankfully has died down a small bit. I really hate the feeling of craving, but I think that if my brain got a small dose of amp it'd just go into overdrive. Fuck that.

Ocean - thanks so much hun! Thanks for the support, it helps  I know what you mean about the other drugs...I do feel like I'm just trying to justify it to myself on a technicality...ah I'm still confused, I don't know what I'll do.

lestahb - Yeah I have a feeling that that's what I'm trying to do - just componsate for the meth with something else...damn it drives me crazy sometimes  
How are you going?

wingnutlives - week 5 for me was sooo hard, and I've spoken to a couple of other people who've said the exact same thing. For me, the first two weeks were torture, the next two weeks were MUCH easier, then week 5 it all hit me again, cravings ramped up to the roof - it was really difficult. I have one friend who has relapsed on week 5 about three times now. 
For me the cravings have slowly started to die down again at the start of week 8, but I have to admit the last two weeks have been real difficult for me, not to mention this far away from it you really start to get some distance from the negative effects of it and start to forget them...
Stay strong though, you're doing so well 

jspun - how have you been? Managed to get through this tough time...?


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## lestahb

foots - you know it is so damn true what you say about forgetting the negative effects.  i think that is the reason i went to AA for so long.  it helped me remember all the shit when i would see someone who was just hours off the stuff, foot tapping, sweating, eyes rolling, words flying out.  it helped me remember just how messed up i was.  
i just remember this one day, i was trying to make invitations for my brothers wedding, and i thought to myself i'll just smoke a bowl, and then i will get to work.  i got so distracted with the ritual, and the cleaning afterwards, that i needed just a little more, then i'd get to work.  11 hours, i kid you not, i had not started, nor had i moved 5 feet, nor had i done anything that i could remember.

i'm doing ok, i spoke to my doctor about my fears about drug seeking, and he says he thinks the meds are right for me, and that he will keep a close eye on me.  i haven't taken any out of order nor have i wanted to.  and today i was complimented at work.  
but unfortunately, since i decided i am not going to go to AA/NA anymore, I've been dropped by a few friends.  i'm totally with drug wench here, i think if you have 18 years clean, and drink one day, you still have that 18 years and everything you learned.  but with AA, you lose everything.  i'm not really with that.  and since drinking isn't really a big deal to me, i'd like to have a drink here and there, without being told to start over.  
and there is my rant of the day.


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## jspun

Hey C-init. You make some good points. The idea behind MMT is to stabalize someone strung out on a short acting opiate onto methadone or another opiate with a suitably long halflife. Part of the rationale behind this is that at a stable dose there are less fluctuations in plasma levels and that breaks the sick/high cycle. I was on it for 6 years before tapering in feb 08'and I think its a great drug. My daily dose just made me normal- and also gave me a slight energy boost.  Now, stimulants are a different class of drug so the outcomes would be different. However, with any kind of maintainance program you tend to see a sharp reduction in property crimes in areas were they are set up- harm reduction for whole community. Also, my theory is that the being in withdrawl, ritaual of getting drug, profound relief, makes the addiction more entrenched. The swiss heroin Rx program is a great example- of those who have no intention of quiting there is on average a significant reduction in dose. I think more peer reviewed, non propaganda influenced research needs to be conducted. Anyway, the british conducted a multicenter study administering oral amphetamines to IV amphetamine addicts and got excellent outcomes (something like half the IV drug users stoped using speed IV.) Also in 2003 a study with amphetamine replacement and meth abusers was conducted in Oz. I mentioned this in my "evolution of the harm reduction model in switzerland" thread- wasn't too much interest in this thread, harm reduction doesn't seem to be as popular a topic as one would think on BL I've found. And there are probably too many links listed I'll admit, not easy reading. I also document the Swiss interest in cocaine Rx although I think a national program has yet to materialize. I took wellbutrin after my meth run almost 11 months ago- fucking worthless (for me). There was a long acting ATS whose name esapes me that could be a good candidate for replacement therapy. I think it was used for ADHD and obesity or both but went into disuse. I'll post if I remember the name

FT- I'm better now. Craving alittle bit but not out of my mind. Thanks for asking and for your support! 

lestahb- Nice to hear your doing good. About NA/AA- I go extensively and that is what saved me from relapsing. The friends that would drop you for not going to NA/AA aren't friends more like pathetic cultists. If you don't want to go to the meetings is one thing. But please don't let your decision to pursue recreational drug use and alcohol keep you away. My suggestion would be to go there and be honest with people about how you want to live your life. Some of thoe bastards need to learn open mindedness and tolerance. The victory involves how we treat ourselves and others. The victory in clean time isn't the time itself but the ability that it allows us to help others. Overuse is bad in that we hurt ourselves and it gets in the way of helping others not that it makes us uncool, unhip, or evil, or cerremonially unclean. Too many people in the program think this way- this for me is more motivation to stay clean- initiate some change even on a small scale. Also Lesthab, when I went on the 2 week run last year it fell during my daughter's 1 year birthday, and I had to leave during the birthday to smoke shards. My wife reminded me of that tonight. But if I stay clean I'll get to be there totally for her 2 year birthday in a few weeks.%)


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## Mariposa

Just a note of motivation and  to those of you who are still struggling.  I don't talk about it often because it's a bit painful, but I had a run with the stuff in the past.  I went cold turkey in May 2008 and I have been abstinent since.

One thing that may have helped me was going on a course of Wellbutrin for my depression.  A Google search will yield some research that this may assist methamphetamine addicts in managing cravings and withdrawal symptoms while lifting mood and keeping motivation up, two things that people who are newly clean from meth often miss about the drug.  It may represent a viable alternative to prescribed amphetamines to people who would like to be free of all illicits - it's not a drug of abuse.


----------



## D's

yo fuck taking adderal the night before a final exam to study, I took about 200mg of adderal (10x 20mgs)(not at once, spaced between 36 hours or 2 breakfast's lol) and I havn't been able to sleep since, I'm on day 3, maybe 3 hours of sleep? I'm starting to feel delirous, I think my roomate is sneaking around my room looking for my adderal stash. I'm starting to see black flashes in my perferal vision. My dick won't get hard, I'm peeing every 5 minutes, and my mouth is dry as fuck! (and I dip tobbaco so I barley produce a spit, and have to down a gulp of water per spit.)

Ok so I missused my medicine for my final exam. It kept me up the entire night, I studied maybe 20 hours straight with teleports between the bathroom and sink.

I havn't masterbated in days!!!!!!!

I'm scared to stop taking it, I've been taking it twice a day (normally) and it's still wanting to keep me up.

Any suggestions on how to come down naturally? without the use of sleep medicines. Thanks, 
-drew
and yea dont take adderal the night before ur final exam,


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## claire22

I've been absent from TDS for awhile now. It seems I go through stages with the shards. One day I'll be neutral it -  the next it has me all over again. My entire house smells like meth from continual smoking in it. Some say it has no distinct smell; but I can smell it from a mile away. It is a sweet chemical-like smell. 

Do I want to get off? I am unsure to the answer. I do, yet I am afraid too. My entire life is about meth. I don't have a job. All my friends are meth addicts. Everything is about meth. EVERYTHING. To all of you who's entire life is NOT yet consumed by it and it's not all you are surrounded by - having normal friends & normal jobs - then get out ASAP. Don't make the same mistake I did. I don't even know a life without it. When I attempt to abstain I feel like a different person. Little to no friends. My whole identity is meth. 

I know it's killing me. If I stayed off long enough I'd find a new life - new friends - job. But I can't seem to break free. This law-breaking hectic life.. It feels fun. I become easily bored when I change it up to become a normal citizen. I live for the thrills I guess. 
There's nothing glamorous about it, don't get me wrong. Meeting people who could easily whip out a gun and off me any second. It scares me but it's thrilling at the same time.

I know the meth has done irreversible damage to my body & it makes me unbelievably depressed. I'm definitely past the "everything will revert back to normal" stage. That's what happens when you lie to yourself for as long as I have. I have a horrendous STM (short-term memory) and LTM. I can barely remember anything anymore. In person I may seem 100% normal & sane, but my thoughts & emotions are all over the place. 

I am just at a loss of what to do anymore.


----------



## jspun

I brought up the idea of amphetamine replacement therapy (ART) because there is evidence in the literature that its been tried with some success and I wanted to share that info because it seems counterintuitive if you've had any experience being a tweeker and I wanted to hear what people thought. Can't say much about the quality of research study/ experimental design but only that these studies found their way in peer-reviewed journals. I absolutely would not advocate someone going out and trying do it yourself ART because the success of a program like this is probably predicated on structure and access to ancillary services.

Mariposa- thanks for the encouragement. Its nice to hear that Wellbutrin worked for you. Its a nice med with a pretty acceptable side effect profile relative to other antidepressants including SSRIs. I had high hopes for this drug at the end of my meth run but unfortunately didn't get great results personally. Wonder if combining a drug that increases synaptic availability of 5-HT like an SSRI or trying a drug that has both catecholamine reuptake blocking and SERT inhibiting properties might be a better strategy? Whats interesting in my case is that I've been clean for almost 11 months. Problem is I have a history of panic disorder and although I never got a panic attack while taking Wellbutrin I would get this feeling of fear and depersonalization that were similar to the prodromal symptoms of a panic attack that I would get on it. Now it turns out that excercise, especially surfing has been the antidepressant/anxiolytic that works for me. I know that it isn't for everyone, but 12 step meetings have kept me clean even after a close almost relapse last week. Honest about what was going on and lots of people reached out- didn't realize that so many people had my back until I was really in trouble.

D, I smoked meth to study for my physiology final in college. Huge mistake, I kept having panic attacks when the prof would walk by, I was having chest pain when we got to the cardiac physiology part of the exam with dizziness.



> I havn't masterbated in days!!!!!!!



When I was on MMT, I think I hadn't masterbated for a couple of years!!!!!!!

Claire22


> It is a sweet chemical-like smell.


Kinda like when yiayia burns the moussaka 



> Do I want to get off? I am unsure to the answer. I do, yet I am afraid too. My entire life is about meth. I don't have a job. All my friends are meth addicts. Everything is about meth. EVERYTHING. To all of you who's entire life is NOT yet consumed by it and it's not all you are surrounded by - having normal friends & normal jobs - then get out ASAP. Don't make the same mistake I did. I don't even know a life without it. When I attempt to abstain I feel like a different person. Little to no friends. My whole identity is meth.



Atleast your honest about your situation and motivation.



> I am just at a loss of what to do anymore.



Going to 12 step meetings is what helped me out. I went loaded for a while before getting clean. I was honest with people, what i was using, how I felt, my plans to get clean or get my using under control. Finally I stoped all drugs- including alcohol, heroin, methadone maintenance, high doses of xanax and klonopin, meth too. The coolest thing is I didn't need rehab- saved a shit load of money. Came close to using last week but I've made some good friends that helped me through it. Today I can honestly say that I have a life worth living and this is without my whole identity being NA rather my identity and life is becoming balanced. Good luck with whatever approach ends up working for you!!! 

With memory, cognitive abilities, mentation, ect... Its impossible to know how much will come back but I can guarantee that if you stop using meth you wont get any worse. From reading your posts you sound like your possessed of such formidable intellect that your brain could probably use some selective pruining- your too smart for your own good. In all seriousness I think you'll be surprised how much comes back- just hang in there and be patient.


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## claire22

True, but I just can't find the motivation.
Are you Greek? Me too !


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## jspun

> Are you Greek? Me too !



You too? A Greek from Melbourne, what a rarity you are.  Wogs Unite WorldWide!



> I just can't find the motivation.



Na Se Kala Claire! Spase to thiavolo!


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## mrs_mia_wallace

I haven't used for two days and it's seriously taking every ounce of energy to log in and write this shit right now...

I can't stay awake for more than 20 mins... my  body is so exhausted it physically hurts... I'm pretty sure I'm going to OD from Excedrin from thse headaches

I hate methamphetamine but this is hopeless


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## jspun

> I haven't used for two days and it's seriously taking every ounce of energy to log in and write this shit right now...



Right fuckin on! Two days is a long time. Hang in there, it would probably piss me off to hear this if I was kickin tweek but if you don't break down and use then this 'ill be the last time you have to feel this way. Your in the City, yea. Hit up a midnight mtg if your fiending. Use to be one every night in the Marina District when I lived up there.


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## jspun

> I can't stay awake for more than 20 mins... my body is so exhausted it physically hurts...



If you cant stay awake...Get some sleep and when youwake up tommorow you'll have 3 days clean.

Look at it on the bright sign- if you were kickin heroin instead of meth you wouldn't be able to sleep for the next couple of days- and during that time you'd get to experience a physical and mental hell beyond comprehension in all its glory and excruciating detail

You can do it, hang in there!


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## gorgoroth

Mariposa is correct!!!
Wellbutrin will help many people with amphetamine addiction, I had great hopes for it but could not handle the side effects I experienced (rage, extreme anger, dizziness, headaches, appetite reduction, nausea, paranoia). I have to stick with my D-amphetamine stim maintainance.
It's better then me smoking/banging crank :/


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## Pillthrill

OK, nervous to post...but 4 days sober. 
made it through the day 2 skin crawling and wanting to rip my hair out. 
Made it through the forced sober, when it didn't happen. 
I screamed, I yelled, I cried... the only reason I pushed on was for that. 
Maybe this is a good time to say screw this, I'm out.


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## lestahb

Right on Pill Thrill.  That's awesome.  The emotions are tough, and I gotta tell you, listen to your body, if you are tired, sleep, take vitamins, eat, and with meth withdrawals, sleep some more.  I just kept telling myself, okay I want to use, but I won't tonight, and if I still do after I wake up in the morning I can, and when I woke up, I never did.  Just keep going day by day.  You can do it.


----------



## jspun

Hell fuckin yea Pill Thrill!!! 4 Days- yor the shit.%)%)%) Take Lesh's suggestion- he has some great advice. I would throw meetings in the mix too- they helped me immensely with the cravings- only thing that did for me- even if you have to force yourself to leave the house. 

Gorgoroth. Thats interesting you mentioned d-amp maintenance. How is it working for you? Are you able to stay on a stable dose? How high is it? Does it help with the craving. Ultimately, how have you benefited?


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## Pillthrill

I guess it helps it hasn't been doing it long, But man was I into it. 
I find after I get past the 2 days its easier. Plus my friend also said he and I both can't afford it. So many it will be a lil easier to say off that crap.


----------



## gorgoroth

jspun said:


> Wonder how effective a tool would be adderall or dexedrine in managing meth addicts within the framework of harm reduction analogous to MMT and heroin?



I take 60 mg a day of dexamphetamine perscribed for Meth maintainance, along with depression, anxiety (d-amph is an anxiolytic for me), ADHD..
It's VERY effective for me, I usually run out of my script anywhere from about 3 to 7 days early, but, it keeps cravings completely at bay.
Dexedrine is my methadone.
@ jspun aswell. Overall, It has been very effective.
I have tried Methylphenidate, In the form of concerta but it did nothing but make everything worse. I tried strattera and Wellbutrin but both gave me vicious side effects which methamphetamine didn't even cause. I tried Adderal which kind of worked, but made me really anxious and caused alot of anxiety/stomach problems. So I settled with dexedrine. I fluxuate (sp = P) between 40-60 milligrams a day, but I have discussed with my doctor and he thought it wise to keep me at 60. I usually can stay at this dose, but some days I'll take up to 100-120 milligrams of dexedrine in moments of weakness.
          Very occasionally I won't take it at all in a 24 hour period. My doctor says I could perhaps be on dexedrine for decades as it's VERY therapeutic for me. I still get the tweaked/spun feeling somewhat even from 60 milligrams, and I can perform day to day activities. I do not take them any other way then orally. I take 20 milligrams of XR (spansule) and 10 mg of IR in the morning. And I usually take 2 more spansules around 3-4 pm. the two extra IRS I take when I feel I need them.
I hope doctors realize the potential of stimulant maintainance, perhaps it will not work for everybody but it certainly has worked for me.
My problem with it at first was that I REALLY missed the rush of IV Methamphetamine, or sometimes when I would smoke methamphetamine instead. But I have learned to get over that and I have been clean minus a few relapses since I believe last January. I would not advise stimulant maintainance with Dexedrine in a person who only has a minor habit, as Dexedrine is highly addictive, perhaps the drug using community as a whole underrates it's dependence potential. 
But I don't have to score off a street anymore, it is very inexpensive as my insurance takes care of the vast majority of the cost, and my amphetamine is ALWAYS clean and pure.

That's my two cents and experience with it 

~ Alex.


----------



## Process

I'm so upset with myself, i'm week away from rehab, and i was doing good clean of meth for 2 months. Then I run into a old friend and was offered a small chunk for free. Its strong stuff really upset i did it. I just got so happy when i was offered it and ran home snorted a few lines. 

I dunno about anyone else but i get a surge of energy in my head when meth is around and i cant stop myself.

It was my fault for saying yes, i was not forced. mad at myself.


----------



## footscrazy

^^ Have you made plans to make sure you don't keep on getting on? I know when I relapse I think fuck it, might as well get more - plus I forget how fucking much I like it, and also, after relapsing once you prob wont get the negative effects straight away. Of course you know they come though, and quicker and quicker each time you relapse. 

I do know what you feel bout not being able to stop yourself when it's around, I go silly. Even now, I haven't relapsed on meth but I took some mephedrone a day ago and it's reminded my brain of something, I feel like, I dunno, just going crazy, I want to fuck the consequences and let loose...

Edit - it's good you're mad at yourself though. That's the part of you that will control you, and stop you from getting more, if you let it.


----------



## mrs_mia_wallace

I used... big fucking surprise. I don't even know why I am posting in TDS, I am fucking hopeless and dont even have the motivation to quit enough to go through the WDs.


----------



## gorgoroth

^ MMW and anyone else who is struggling with this addiction if you would like to talk to me please do not hesitate to do so! I have come very far and I believe I could be of some help.
  Another elaboration on my D-amphetamine maintainance, I get my heart checked every 2 weeks, I get my respiration checked as well. I do get drug tests as well (Marijuana usually shows up in the result, which my doctor does not care about). 
I will add that is is *EXTREMELY* important to have a good relationship with your doctor, don't lie to them, don't betray their trust. They are there to help.
  I know my doctor very well, he sees that I am doing my best to beat a bad addiction, and if I did not know him well and have a good relationship with him, he'd most likely see me as just a drug seeking speedfreak sketchbag =P.


----------



## zephyr

claire22 said:


> I've been absent from TDS for awhile now. It seems I go through stages with the shards. One day I'll be neutral it -  the next it has me all over again. My entire house smells like meth from continual smoking in it. Some say it has no distinct smell; but I can smell it from a mile away. It is a sweet chemical-like smell.
> 
> Do I want to get off? I am unsure to the answer. I do, yet I am afraid too. My entire life is about meth. I don't have a job. All my friends are meth addicts. Everything is about meth. EVERYTHING. To all of you who's entire life is NOT yet consumed by it and it's not all you are surrounded by - having normal friends & normal jobs - then get out ASAP. Don't make the same mistake I did. I don't even know a life without it. When I attempt to abstain I feel like a different person. Little to no friends. My whole identity is meth.
> 
> I know it's killing me. If I stayed off long enough I'd find a new life - new friends - job. But I can't seem to break free. This law-breaking hectic life.. It feels fun. I become easily bored when I change it up to become a normal citizen. I live for the thrills I guess.
> There's nothing glamorous about it, don't get me wrong. Meeting people who could easily whip out a gun and off me any second. It scares me but it's thrilling at the same time.
> 
> I know the meth has done irreversible damage to my body & it makes me unbelievably depressed. I'm definitely past the "everything will revert back to normal" stage. That's what happens when you lie to yourself for as long as I have. I have a horrendous STM (short-term memory) and LTM. I can barely remember anything anymore. In person I may seem 100% normal & sane, but my thoughts & emotions are all over the place.
> 
> I am just at a loss of what to do anymore.



When it gets to that stage, if you are at the point of needing to get out before something very bad happens, its sometimes an option to check out of life for a period of up to a year and go to a publically run rehab farm like Oddessy.  The thought of that is frightening, I have been to rehab before but that was ok as I had my own room and privacy.  There- there is no privacy and it seems like going to jail really.


I quit for the longest time ever just on my own.  Creating distance from my dealer was the key, maybe moving away is an option?  Brisbane is a lot less hectic than the scene in Melbourne.  The need to have meth around just doesnt exist here for me as it did there.

I have fallen off the wagon myself today having said that though.  Its weird, I crave the company of people I can be myself with and have a few of those people here in Brisbane.  One of these people bought my notebook off me, well I swapped it for an amount of gear so it feels free.  I never used that notebook.

I kinda figure- I have not used and abused in many months.  I had a bit last weekend, a couple points- but not before that.  I dont feel the need to have it every day.

Meth does help a lot when Im feeling isolated and lonely.  I have had a couple friends encourage me to go out and meet people, so I bit the bullet and went on a date last night.  Dude reminds me of an orangutan on heat though, and I did not enjoy myself.  Now I have 10 missed calls and 15 texts from him, he wants to sleep with me but I would rather eat my own vomit!

I wish you lived closer Claire, sometimes it takes some help from friends for you to see there is hope and light at the end of the tunnell.  But yeah it does take fuckn ages to get it out of your system.  The memories and experiences and maybe your reputation comes back to bite- moving away helps with all that.  Just dont confide in new friends your habits and its like they never were there in the first place.


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## Pillthrill

I'm off, 6ish almst 7  days sober. Now I dream about it. 
*NSFW*: 



 MASSIVE amounts of it and glass pipes....  
*NSFW*: 





I didn't want to trigger...I tried.


----------



## Process

I'm really upset how my family acts like they are supportive of me geting help, yet when I relapse they see a key they can blame all there problems in there lifes that they caused themselfs.  They wont let me break away from there bull shit, yet still threaten to throw me on the streets. I hate people like that, they should not be allowed to have children.


----------



## jspun

Gorgoroth, thanks for posting your experience with d-amphetamine maintenance! Its sounds like you are likely to have such an understanding and progressive dr. Its cool to here its working for you because maybe someday a standardized protocal can be developed or a similar treatment modality can be offered to meth addicts on a large scale.%) 

Pill Thrill Congradts, keep up the good work. Using dreams are normal and they mean your subconcious is healing.

Zephyr Good to see rehab worked so well for you. What worked for me is kicking in the rooms of NA/AA. I did leave town to crash at my parents for 3 weeks, though. The cool thing with my approach was 1.) I saved a shit load of money, 2.) Got to keep my freedom, 3.) Didn't have to lose my pad near the beach, and didn't need to move out of my neighborhood 4.) Rentered the job market faster than if I went to rehab, 5.) Didn't have to deal with the shock of reentering society because I never left society. 6.) It was by far the easier, softer way. That doesn't mean that other approaches are flawed, I'm just sharing what worked for me. Zephyr, don't worry about slipping, just get back on the wagon when your ready and willing. For most people the guilt of the relapse is worse than the relapse. Having said all this I almost relapsed last week but going to meetings and telling people about it helped lift the obsession.

Process
Good luck and keep trying. I'm sorry you feel frustrated by your parents reaction to your relapse. You are responsible for your recovery, though, and powerless over their attitude. Stay clean and the whole family will start to heal with you, some quickly, some slowly. And if they don't, the longer you stay clean, the less reliant on them you will likely become.

Mia Don't be hard on yourself- kickin aint easy. Atleast you tried and made it a few days. When you feel motivated again, try again. Your not hopelessly bad, not by any means, just critically ill. The good new is there are proven ways of treating the illness. Don't lose hope. I'm sure alot of people on this board want to see you succeed and care about you regardless, so check in no matter how your doing.


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## Sweet P

Some good news from me... I've been clean for 4 days! I was horribly depressed, and meth wasn't helping (I think it was actually making me feel _worse_) so I decided to try to have some time off the drug. I think I'm doing ok so far, apart from feeling exhausted and a bit irritable. The anxiety seems to be leaving me alone for now, which is making things easier to deal with.


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## footscrazy

^^ That's excellent Sweet P. How is your mood now, have you noticed it has improved without the drug? 
Hope you can stick at it. And, if not, I believe that ANY time you spend off it is beneficial, gives your body and mind a bit of a rest.

I'm 2 months off today and I have definitely hit the fucking waaaall! 
I'm so bored, I feel like I'm in limbo - I'm not 'off' it but obviously not on it, I don't know, but the novelty of quitting is definitely wearing off. There's no great progress week to week anymore except I'm getting more fucking bored with everything, I'm really craving a rush.

I quit one day after one of my friends and it's funny but we're going through the same stages, seems that week 8/9 is the stage where life seems so fucking dull.

I just can't believe I still spend most of every day thinking about this shit drug two months down the track. The physical response (the adrenaline rush, increased heartrate etc) when I think about it is still there too. I thought being off this long that would have started to die down. It annoys me so much - as soon as meth comes into my head there's a split second before I feel the rush and I hope it doesn't come but it always does.


----------



## mrs_mia_wallace

Process said:


> yet still threaten to throw me on the streets.



get clean before that happens


----------



## lestahb

Hey Mia,
I just gotta tell you how amazed I am that you are able to stop even for three or four days at a time.  I only kicked cause I went to a classy rehab where I couldn't get ahold of meth if I tried.  I was on a freaking island.  Until then, I could not stay clean for an hour, let alone a day or more.  I desperately wanted to, and I would tell myself I was getting clean, as I was loading up another pipe.  And of course this all seemed rational to me.  I just have to give you props for doing it on your own.

I stayed clean after rehab by listening to everything they had to say.  They said to say goodbye to using friends, I did.  They said to go to a meeting everyday, I did.  I didn't like all of it, but I figured my best thinking got me really messed up, so I listened to someone else.  

Keep on trying, I know you have it in you.


----------



## filenet

where does one turn to when trying to find information on a suitable live-in rehab centre in australia (eastern & southern states preferrably)

are there any outstanding ones with good success rates to back it up?


----------



## Sweet P

footscrazy said:


> ^^ That's excellent Sweet P. How is your mood now, have you noticed it has improved without the drug?
> Hope you can stick at it. And, if not, I believe that ANY time you spend off it is beneficial, gives your body and mind a bit of a rest.
> 
> I'm 2 months off today and I have definitely hit the fucking waaaall!
> I'm so bored, I feel like I'm in limbo - I'm not 'off' it but obviously not on it, I don't know, but the novelty of quitting is definitely wearing off. There's no great progress week to week anymore except I'm getting more fucking bored with everything, I'm really craving a rush.
> 
> I quit one day after one of my friends and it's funny but we're going through the same stages, seems that week 8/9 is the stage where life seems so fucking dull.
> 
> I just can't believe I still spend most of every day thinking about this shit drug two months down the track. The physical response (the adrenaline rush, increased heartrate etc) when I think about it is still there too. I thought being off this long that would have started to die down. It annoys me so much - as soon as meth comes into my head there's a split second before I feel the rush and I hope it doesn't come but it always does.



Thanks footscrazy! My mood still isn't great, but I think it's getting better. My doctor has doubled my anti-depressants, which seems to be helping with my depression and anxiety. It's making the withdrawals slightly easier to manage - I'm still suffering from cravings and exhaustion, but at least I'm not having panic attacks throughout the day.

By the way, you've done really well to stay off it for two months! Hang in there! I'm sure things will get easier with more time.


----------



## Jabberwocky

just sending good wishes to everyone who's winning their battle at the moment  im coming up to 3 1/2 months clean in a few days or so


----------



## Jabberwocky

^ Congratulations leftwing  And everyone else


----------



## Jabberwocky

thanks, enki  i've had offers recently to be shouted some crystal but have managed so far to turn it down as much as i would love to IV some.  it's definitely a liberating feeling being able to turn down the offer of free methamphetamines from past experiences.

im in the limbo of wanting to use but at the same time not wanting to reverse all the hard yards i've done to keep clean this long.  it's hard enough battling an opiate addiction without the extra weight of starting to inject meth again.



filenet said:


> where does one turn to when trying to find information on a suitable live-in rehab centre in australia (eastern & southern states preferrably)
> 
> are there any outstanding ones with good success rates to back it up?



here's some sites listed in this thread here from OD, hope you find these somewhat helpful


rolls said:


> *Getting help in Australia*
> Drug and Alcohol Services SA
> Eastern Drug and Alcohol Services - VIC/NSW
> Direct Line 1800 888 236 - Counseling, detox and maintenance in Melbourne
> Alcohol Tobacco and Other Drugs Branch - QLD
> -Damascus Health Services - Suboxone, In/Out patient treatment of alcohol and Rx dependency in Brisbane
> Drug and Alcohol Office - WA
> http://www.na.org.au Narcotics Anonymous SA


----------



## rangrz

its 1830 and I'm just gonna get a bit ofsleep now.

but fuck it, I wouldnt change my life. I'd say its not a good road for most people, and get out now. Unless you wannaturn into me, which I dont think anyone does.


----------



## Sweet P

leftwing said:


> i've had offers recently to be shouted some crystal but have managed so far to turn it down as much as i would love to IV some.  it's definitely a liberating feeling being able to turn down the offer of free methamphetamines from past experiences.



I wish I had the same willpower! My meth-free week came to an abrupt end last night, after I was offered a bag for free.


----------



## Jabberwocky

don't get yourself too down sweet p, it's easy enough to start over again.  it's just another fork in the road where you gotta take the right turn again.

its not easy for me to turn down free stuff but when i weigh to pro's and con's the con's always win.

im consciously relapsing on IV opiates in a few hours


----------



## QuasiStoned

> it's hard enough battling an opiate addiction without the extra weight of starting to inject meth again.



Brother, I can't imagine how difficult it would be to manage an opiate addiction while shooting meth.  I have been managing an opiate addiction myself and it takes everything out of me, couldn't imagine throwing speed of any kind into the mix.


----------



## KStoner6tb

Footscrazy I think you're doing a seriously badass job at staying clean of Meth.  Seriously.  Some of the undesirable(downright shitty) situations you've been put in without caving... very impressive.  You're going to scale this '2 month wall' like it's nothing.  60 days is a long fucking time...keep it up


----------



## footscrazy

Thanks so much KStoner6tb, that really made my day. Been struggling a bit this weekend but have managed to stay off, so I guess that's a good thing.


----------



## mrs_mia_wallace

lestahb said:


> Hey Mia,
> I just gotta tell you how amazed I am that you are able to stop even for three or four days at a time.  I only kicked cause I went to a classy rehab where I couldn't get ahold of meth if I tried.  I was on a freaking island.  Until then, I could not stay clean for an hour, let alone a day or more.  I desperately wanted to, and I would tell myself I was getting clean, as I was loading up another pipe.  And of course this all seemed rational to me.  I just have to give you props for doing it on your own.
> 
> I stayed clean after rehab by listening to everything they had to say.  They said to say goodbye to using friends, I did.  They said to go to a meeting everyday, I did.  I didn't like all of it, but I figured my best thinking got me really messed up, so I listened to someone else.
> 
> Keep on trying, I know you have it in you.



Thanks 

I feel like my attempts are just pathetic and weak. I really just can't imagine getting off of this drug, ever. I've honestly never quit because _I_ wanted to, it was always because I had fucked up so much I needed to go to rehab to get help from my parents or was underage and got caught and forced to detox... and then it was always, ugh, got to get clean for a while then can use again.

I just don't know how to deal with life anymore without this drug. It's not even, fuck I had a bad day, moment, experience... or I just want to go crazy... or I can just use ONCE... it's fuck I need to be a functioning human being today and not falling asleep, sufferning from massive head aches, eating like a fucking black hole, so sore I can barely get out of bed, so I need to go snort some crystal meth so I can go to work and not be homeless/hungry. I was talking to one of my friends who is clean from many years of H abuse and he was telling me "but being on H is so much more fun than speed..." but seriously I do not have fun on this drug its just the way I live, and it always has been that way since I started using. I used to fool everyone because I would use so much less than them and they would think I wasn't an addict, just an occasional user... but I really have never used to get high, I've used everyday without fail just to be on a maintenance level that allows me to deal with all the other fucked up mental problems I have.


----------



## Jabberwocky

QuasiStoned said:


> Brother, I can't imagine how difficult it would be to manage an opiate addiction while shooting meth.  I have been managing an opiate addiction myself and it takes everything out of me, couldn't imagine throwing speed of any kind into the mix.



fortunately at the moment i still havent relapsed on meth, yet.  basically when i get into the meth most of my opiate use takes a halt except for those times when im in desperate need of coming down or easing the craziness the meth can bring on.  it's a miracle that i didnt use last week and over this weekend just gone.


----------



## jspun

> easing the craziness the meth can bring on



In response to what leftwing said above: Over a two year period I smoked tweek on top of the heroin which was my primary DOC. This didn't span the whole period but daily use occured in chunks: 3 months here, 2 months there, ect... I would say that I was much more stable and able to function than friends I had who were straight tweekers. Dope using friends of mine seemed to have the same experience as me- with benzos thrown into mix able to sleep and eat better. By contrast, my last relapse which was only 2 weeks long but straight meth and no opiates- I completely lost my mind. Not to give anyone here ideas. Almost tempted to advocate this in the interest of harm reduction- on second thought a very, very,  bad, bad idea. Pertaining to the rest of leftwings post- I have actually seen people kick stuff using meth, but then they usually continue to tweek.

Anyway a you tube Al Jezeera segment on Tik smoking in South Africa with some mandrax smoking thrown in at end. Trigger alert graphic drug use. Today watching it makes me more glad I aint smoking that shit-I recommend though that you don't watch if you feel you can't handle it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySLoAvfthIU

keep up the good work leftwing! I came close a couple of weeks ago myself- and that was after 10 months- finding old pizzel was my trigger.


----------



## Jabberwocky

thanks for the support jspun, but i caved in last night.  i ended splitting a half with a mate, shooting that and scored some oxy...which i shot as well.  im a bit disappointed but it's only a minor setback.  ill get back to here when i get more time, gotta scoot off to get some CT scans


----------



## stygian

My stimulant use started off with the occasional smokage of a foilie.  But when the real good shit started comin around it became  alittle more of a habit.  Then I discovered Adderall, and for the next 10 months or so I was always on one or the other.  I knew I was doing too much, it's one of those things you feel on the inside.  But I didn't really mind.  Then something really depressing which I don't really wanna discuss, happened.  I had nothing to blame but the speed.  I quit cold turkey, and have dropped the a-bombs a mere 5 times since then.  I didn't crave them at all, I was done.  I just had an absolutely TERRIBLE lack of energy and motivation for quite a while after that. I don't like stims nearly as much now as I did then.  Not even close.


----------



## jspun

> im a bit disappointed but it's only a minor setback.



Relapse is a fact of life in the meth community. Minor or major, the most imporant thing is that if we are still alive we get another chance to quit-* so above all everybody please practice harm reduction and stay safe.* By some fuckin insane miracle if i stay clean in two weeks i'll have a year clean- If you have read this thread I came close- so I am a believer, as corny as it sounds that we all have only today. An excerpt from black poppy magazine online about quiting dexedrine injecting I thought was interesting:




Fuck Filtering - A Decade of Dexedrine Use... Anon

I wasn't into speed at first. It was mainly methadone ampoules and downers
I could never understand why other drug users used to hang about the West End after they'd scored their meth amps to get Dexedrine pills. I could never see what it was about y'know? But after seeing people do it a few times, some guy filtering the Dexies then mixing them with the meth amps, I decided to try it. I had a hit and I really enjoyed it and it was not long after that I scored some myself. I took them home, crushed them up, tipped the powder into a spoon, swirled it round with a spike top, put a filter in and drew it up for a hit. The moment I had it I was vomiting all over the place and felt shit! I really didn't enjoy it and had a meth amp straight after to take the edge off, which it did. 

I've never enjoyed speed, in fact I hate speed, it smells like cats piss but put together with the meth amps, I found they did the trick. The buzz gave me confidence, it felt good and it was soon a case of I wouldn't have one without the other. Back then when I started taking Dexedrine (about 1992), there wasn't any information about how to filter tablets properly (still isn't) except from other users. Most people used to just crush them up in a works wrapper and tip the powder into a syringe barrel where they were filtered and then mixed with the liquid from the amps. I've even seen the Dex used on its own, using the blood from flushing as the liquid - hitting them up raw. But most people had some sort of filtering technique. For the first few years I just used to crush them up on the way home from the chemist, tip the dex into the barrel, put the plunger back in and draw up my amps, without filtering. Fuck filtering I thought, what's all that about? In the beginning I had loads of veins so I didn't bother filtering. People used to tell me to filter them but I didn't start doing it until I started having problems with my veins. Then it got to the stage when I was one of those guys hanging about, looking for dex up the west end.

It was quite a crazy time for me then. The scene was up the West End in London, around Cleveland Street. There was a needle exchange there and you'd walk around the block to see who had what. These days, it's all been moved along by the old bill to the bottom of Centrepoint which is more dangerous. Apart from the police wanting to nick the drug users, there's also police about looking for thieves or shoplifters, so drug users don't stand a chance up there at the moment. There needs to be a safer haven. I really do feel that drug users are being cast as 'dirty people'. I mean, alright some people don't or can't look after themselves too well and they might have grubby hands or clothes but that doesn't mean they're 'dirty'. Having to spend all your money on black-market drugs can leave you pretty poor and these people are being judged by their appearance. I've heard awful stories of some local businessmen employing vigilante types to go and bash fuck out of some of the homeless users, and I mean baseball bats…All to get them off the corner of the road, away from their businesses. And this was only a few years ago. 

I used to take a lot of downers, Rohypnol, Valium etc. The Rohyies were purple at the time so I used to suck the colouring off until they were white, spit them into a wrapper, crush them with my teeth and add that to my I.V concoctions - all without filtering. Because I was into downers a lot, I think that adding the Dexedrine to things helped perk me up a bit. But I became different. I stopped being myself. People didn't like being around me because I was annoying. I'd talk and talk and talk and not let people finish what they were saying. I would sweat a lot, I'd have blotches on my face - people just didn't recognise me because of how I looked and how I was acting; I just really changed as a person. My mum couldn't even stand to be around me. She never used to want to come and visit me and every time I went around there it was a nightmare. I'd start pulling out all the clothes and throwing them in the bath wanting to wash them, just doing crazy things. I became someone totally different. Only now, believe it, only now, 11 years later, now that I'm finally off the Dex, can I actually see what I must have been like to be around because I can see other people the way I used to be. 
I spot behaviours in people that I know are Dex related. Like certain movements, or tics, or when people want to speak and they go 'errrggh, ergh, err, ahh….'and they've got their mouth open but because they're speeding so much, it's like the mind and the brain don't all connect but they're still wanting to speak! Hoarding things is another one. I've done this myself, been in and out of dustbins and stuff, collecting a lot of useless bits and pieces and then never throwing anything out. My mates pal does it and he's got money, he doesn't even need the stuff! One day we walked past Sutherland Ave and heard this shuffling about in the bin and this head popped up and it was this guy! I mean this guy has got plenty of money but he does it because he's out of it on Dexedrine! It's an obsessive compulsive thing though. Cleaning is another one. Or starting to clean up and then leaving everything out all over the place. Even though I've not used Dex for about 6 months now I find I've still kept a few funny habits although most of my behaviour has totally changed. 

I never saw myself Dexedrine free. I really couldn't see it happening because I was using them out of necessity in the end. I was swallowing them the last year, just having to get used to the fact that I couldn't inject them anymore coz I had no veins left. But I couldn't function without them. Not using them to get a buzz but just to get through the day. But believe me, just a day without them would be really bad because then I'd feel my Hep C and my liver problems kick in and the lethargy was just the worst. 

There should be more help available for people with Dex or amphetamine/stimulant problems. I mean it was a real problem for me, I couldn't stop them. I just couldn't. I have actually brought myself to tears on many, many occasions through withdrawing from Dex; the anger and the frustration. It's quite scary thinking about it now. As far as help went, I was offered a place at a stimulant clinic in Earls Court. Yet they weren't willing to give any treatment drugs and herein lies half the problem. No-one was willing to prescribe me Dexedrine and support me reducing and all I wanted, all I was saying was "Listen, I have a problem with these Dex, I do get them on prescription from a private doctor, I just want you to give me them here for a period of 2 weeks but during that 2 weeks I will reduce down to nothing". That's how much I wanted to get off them. But they couldn't or wouldn't prescribe Dexedrine to someone Dexedrine dependent. In the end, I did it at home myself, after being on them for almost 12 years. 

It was my infatuation with a younger woman that made me decide to give them up. One time when I was with her, I was just sweating and sweating and I felt really uncomfortable and embarrassed. I was trying to reduce my Dex use at the time anyway, so I decided to drop my dosage down to nothing over a week or so and then I just stopped them altogether.

It was difficult for the first few weeks, especially because I've got Hepatitis C. The lethargy, the depression, feeling fucked off... The world seemed dark and grey and I just didn't want to go out into it. I felt a bit cold inside, a bit empty, like when you're coming off another drug and there's that hollowness, that loss… The Dexedrine tablets were there in my house but I wouldn't take any. I think in a way it helps to have them there so you don't feel panicked at not having them close by. When I felt lethargic I would just refuse to take them and would make myself a really strong cup of coffee instead, which seemed to help.Dexedrine had blocked out a lot of stuff for me. Even though they didn't knock me out, they used to make me forget because my mind would be racing around and not reflective or quiet. Once I stopped, I got very anxious, had panic attacks, would get the shakes etc. but after 2 weeks, it got a lot easier. I still get very emotional and low sometimes, but considering I took them for 10-12 years, it's going to take a bit of time to recover fully. 


So the first few weeks were very difficult for me. After that, I went through a period where I was either completely laughing hysterically, I'm talking about like, on my own, in pieces over something totally pathetic, or literally crying, sobbing my heart out, hard and deep with my face in my hands. It has been very emotional.

I used to shoot up all sorts of pharmaceuticals. I'd mix Dex with methadone amps, Cyclomorph amps, valium amps, Rohypnol, trying to find the right balance to get the right buzz. I have been told several times by doctors that if I carried on injecting like that that I would lose a leg. That really scared me because I know some people that have lost a leg or an arm or fingers or toes. I mean I've got fucked up legs, I've got holes in my body and I don't have good circulation in my feet or my legs either and this is all to do with fixing up the Dex and other pills. I have oedema, varicose veins, Deep Vein Thrombosis, Hepatitis C and plenty of scars. My legs are still totally fucked up. I think the Dex have affected me badly in the long run. I think I'm actually very lucky to be alive. 

I really can't believe that I'm actually sitting here writing about how I don't take Dexedrine anymore. I'm really shocked. Here I am writing about this - and I'm not even on them, I'm Dex free! The first 1 to 2 weeks were the worst but once you get past that, it's just a case of trying to balance out your own self - your personality. Bringing that person back to the surface is difficult but for me it was something I had to find a way to do. I say I don't know where the strength came from, or the power, but I do really because it came from within myself - who else? My mum has been a big inspiration for me; having had similar problems herself we can both talk about things openly. She still struggles, just like I do sometimes.

I can only think to myself I've done the best thing, I've got Hep C and a bad liver. I swallowed a couple a few weeks ago I was up and about doing things in the day but later on that night I became really ill, I couldn't breath properly my kidneys were sore I felt weak and lethargic - all from necking a couple of Dex. I even tried to take one a week later and that just made me feel really sick and panicky.

A lot of thought and attention needs to be put into how to deal with stimulant problems - because they are an issue all on their own - and a growing one. Speed and Dexies are seen as a sideline drug and are treated by the medical profession accordingly, i.e. not seriously. They just seem to think of speed users as either poly drug users, as though it's a recreational drug you use 'on top of' your drug of choice and not a real problem in itself, which it clearly is for some people. 

For me, Dexedrine has fucked my life up and I'm still picking up the pieces. When the time comes to do something about supporting stimulant users, let's hope they remember to ask the speed users too.


----------



## lestahb

Just realized I'm coming up on 4 years clean of meth.  I'm pretty amazed.  That drugs grabbed me the first time I tried it, and I went, full throttle for two and a half years.  I am trying to clean up the wreakage of my life, both literally and figuratively.  I spent two hours yesterday cleaning out boxes and boxes of notebooks that I had from my using days.  They were filled with page upon page of to-do lists.  all of them reminding me to put clothes on, grab stuff from downstairs, brush my teeth, and mostly smoke a bowl.  I wrote those lists, but never glanced at them again.  It has taken me 4 years to even open those boxes, and there are at least a hundred of those little notebooks.  No original thoughts, just things to do, and nothing ever got done.

On the up side, my brain is slightly healing, as I sat down yesterday and did a crossword puzzle.  Not a hard one, but I finished it.  And I'm okay by myself now, still don't like sitting still, but I'm less crazy than before.  For all those out there, it can be done, even though it feels like it is not possible, it can be done.  

Smiling,
Lestah


----------



## zephyr

I am pretty angry at the moment.

I am upset because I was honest with my doctors, telling my gp about my use of amphetamines and disclosing my history of amphetamines lead to a series of both humiliating and incorrect diagnosing of a problem I had with my skin.  This in turn lead to a long period of agoraphobia, panic attacks and seclusion which continues to this day.

About a year and a half ago, I went to the doctor as I had bad skin.  It was not the usual bad skin people get due to hormone issues, or diet or whatever but at that point my skin did look like that of a tweaker- just bad acne according to my gp, and I was given antibiotics.

This didn't help.  I went back as my skin got worse, my doctor said it was due to my drug history.  I had ceased using at that time and this was not believed.  I said I was seeing things crawl like hairs across my head and neck, felt it too and this was apparently drug induced psychosis.  Again, I was not using.  

I was referred to a dermatologist but in that letter from my gp my drug use was mentioned, I clearly had a lump near my ear and under my chin.  I was called paranoid and told to see a shrink.  I did this, but my suspicion that a cyst I had removed years earlier in the same spot was written off.  I was told I was seeing things that were not there.

I went back and forth over several months with the same spot still there, the same creepy feeling of things going around my head and build up of fluid in my ears making me dizzy and a little deaf.  I kept to myself a lot and eventually began using again.

My shrink said I had OCD as I could not stop washing myself, especially my hair and head as I just could not get rid of this lump thing on the very side of my face.

Ii am sure this made things worse, but eventually trained myself to not overwash and try to ignore the pressure building in my sinuses and ears.

I went to 2 dermatologists who were both told by my gp about the meth and as soon as they knew that they were not interested in anything I had to say abour what I was feeling.  I gave up in the end and will never go to one of those people again, and will never be open about my history ever again.

I am not an idiot and see a lot of skin conditions like mine at work up close.  I figured if it was that cyst again, it would resolve itself eventually hopefully with not much scarring.

So, I was right about what was wrong with me.  No one- including my folks and person I lived with for a few months saw my problem as anything but OCD- causing my own skin condition myself by overwashing even when I did not overwash it and it staying bad.

The cyst is exactly where the old scar is, it simply was not completely removed the first time around and slowly grew back around the scar.  Unfortunately because its on my hairline its dragged bunches of hair into it which caused the creepy wriggling sensation and also made it spread more as the hair was trapped under my skin unable to come out.

Its getting a lot better now, it takes roughly 6 weeks to shed a layer of skin in humans and its taken this long for all the layers affected by the cyst to come to the surface and shed off.

Its so obvious now hat the problem was I want to go back to the derm guy who called me crazy and demand my money back.

Its good to have nice clean skin, good hearing, the ability to smell and taste food properly back.  I no longer have vertigo or any fluid in my ears.  

Nor do I have any scar where I once did from the original surgery.

I also have lost many months of my life as I didnt want to leave the house as I thought I was nuts.

Not everything is amphetamine related, doctors tend to judge drug users as if meth causes every single drama they have.  Sometimes they miss things that are unrelated when they know your drug history.


----------



## bang that shit

2 questions

First I have 10mg dexedrine which i parachute. Would getting dexedrine spansules the little beads, and crushing the beads and parachuting that give me a better effect than just parachuting or poppin a reg 10mg dex. for me snorting it hasnt dont much better than poppin.

second as with almost all stims you lose your appitite, would using something like ensure help keep your weight and getting food in your stomach in check> or any suggestions for good foods when speedin.





I remember they gave this to me when i was in the hospital in the winter cause i was loseing weigh from sitting in bed all day and not eating.... remember it tasting good. but if there is something better that would be great.


----------



## Jabberwocky

^ Questions about how to use safely are better suited to Other Drugs and Basic Drug Discussion. Ensure is probably helpful. From here on out lets utilize this thread for issues related to quitting or reducing or otherwise working to get our lives on track. I am glad you are looking for methods to increase safety and minimize risk though


----------



## bang that shit

Enki said:


> ^ Questions about how to use safely are better suited to Other Drugs and Basic Drug Discussion. Ensure is probably helpful. From here on out lets utilize this thread for issues related to quitting or reducing or otherwise working to get our lives on track. I am glad you are looking for methods to increase safety and minimize risk though



ahhh sorry bout that, thought this was just the main meth/amp thread. il make a post in OD.


----------



## Gooru11

As everyone knows the drug effects everyone a little differently, I have been using meth for 17 years and I have seen so much bullshit you wouldn't even believe it. If you have a bf/gf then be prepared for lies, cheating and down right deception. This is most common in the newbies. People that are new at it and haven't done it enough to have any kind of control over the high. If you are choosing to delve into this world of meth you better be ready for a world of pain, hurt, confusion and raw survival. Those will be your most common fellings after being in it for a few months strong. I relapsed and ya I then remembered why I liked doing it because you feel happy about everything and numb to everything negative. People like to use it as a crutch as well. I did when my girlfriend of 8 years and I broke up and she took off with our new born. BIG CRUTCH because at the same time frame my grandfather died of cancer, he was like a dad to me. I delt with all that and daily reports of my ex being seen with this guy or that guy with being a full time student and working full time. You better be prepared for the worst, your body is not the only thing to suffer people who use it daily will manipulate, trick or what ever they have to in order to head to getting more for usage.


----------



## gorgoroth

bang that shit said:


> 2 questions
> 
> First I have 10mg dexedrine which i parachute. Would getting dexedrine spansules the little beads, and crushing the beads and parachuting that give me a better effect than just parachuting or poppin a reg 10mg dex. for me snorting it hasnt dont much better than poppin.
> 
> second as with almost all stims you lose your appitite, would using something like ensure help keep your weight and getting food in your stomach in check> or any suggestions for good foods when speedin.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I remember they gave this to me when i was in the hospital in the winter cause i was loseing weigh from sitting in bed all day and not eating.... remember it tasting good. but if there is something better that would be great.


It's great your interested in harm reduction thread, but this is a thread for addicts/recovering/recovered addicts to share there stories and lend a hand to each other (I believe). If you've got a problem with amphs though, i'm all ears


----------



## mariacallas

Jspun thanks for that excerpt from Black Poppy magazine. Interesting read.


----------



## gorgoroth

Well guys.
I got some shit to say.
I have enough spansules of dextroamphetamine to last me till i get more (16 days from tommorow), but i've run out of instant release ones.
I have 4 IRS left actually, today, I was a fucking IDIOT and I took 105 milligrams instead of my perscribed 60 milligrams. When it started to wear off, I talked to my cats, I curled up into a ball, and I bawled my eyes out for an hour and a half.
  I REALLY need an amphetamine break, I know if I cut down I can make it to the 18th. But I want to stop for awhile now.. But I question my ability to do so.
I'm gonna ask you guys a favour and ask you for some advice and/or support, I could really use it now 


~ Alex


----------



## jspun

I don't know if anyone cares- but 1 year sober today! From meth Aug 24th was 1 year- came close a couple weeks back, though.

Alex- Good luck my man. You've posted some insightful stuff on this thread. Not to push 12 step mtgs but thats whats helped me. Maybe hitting some mtgs can help with cravings until you get your Rx filled. Don't be hard on yourself- when I was on methadone maintenance I would sometimes get ahead of schedule- but overall maintenance saved my life.

I wonder if taking tums to increase urinary pH or taking a drug that competes with the microsomal enzyme that metabolizes amphetamines ( cimetedine seemed to help with methadone)- I wonder if there is anything analogous to help stretch out supply? Isn't there ways to make the spanules work like the instant release formulations if needed- crushing? 

I'll keep you in my thoughts. 

Keep us posted


----------



## Sweet P

jspun said:


> I don't know if anyone cares- but 1 year sober today! From meth Aug 24th was 1 year- came close a couple weeks back, though.



Hey, well done! That's a great achievement!


----------



## mav3rick

Well done Jspun! That's awesome! 

Very handy thread for me to read, being someone who is right in the middle of meth addiction.

I've been using for just over a year and so far I've been able to continue leading a 'normal' life, but recently things have gone quite downhill, I'm using wayyyyy more and I'm failing uni because I'm not going to classes, I sit at home and get insanely high.. Friends are gone, family has been gone since the start, I don't know, maybe this is my brain trying to get me to quit it..

A question then springs to mind, why is it that NOW things have started f**king up? Is it just the progression of the drug, or is it because I'm using more? I just don't understand..

I've started trying to counter balance the meth with codeine, so I can try to get some sleep so that I'll actually feel like going to uni, but it just doesn't happen.. I can see myself spiralling however I don't know what to do to stop it, has anyone else had anything like this? I just hope I'm not alone..

I was too perhaps embarrassed and scared to post when I first joined up, but seeing that people are pretty cool here I thought I'd share..

Much love everyone


----------



## footscrazy

^^ Things do get worse and worse, and it's prob a combination of things why you've noticed things are getting more fucked up. You said you're using more, that's one factor; also I noticed my ability to recover got much worse over the years. I used to be able to stay awake Fri-Sun and have no ill effects the next week - 6 years later that same bender would leave me in bed for a week because my body was so unhealthy and run down. 

Also, you said your friends are gone, and that's probably also an encourgement to use - maybe you don't have anyone you have to act straight around now, or anything else to distract your time. No accountability to anyone. Also, if you feel sad over losing your friends, it's easy to think, fuck it, I'll just get rid of that feeling by using more...

Do you want to stop..? 

Jspun - f'ing amazing mate! Did you do anything to celebrate? (Not drug related of course!) You should buy yourself something you've been wanting for ages, treat yourself, you deserve it! 

gorgoroth - you have def got it in you to take a break, stay strong %)

How you going Sweet P?


----------



## gorgoroth

jspun said:


> I don't know if anyone cares- but 1 year sober today! From meth Aug 24th was 1 year- came close a couple weeks back, though.
> 
> Alex- Good luck my man. You've posted some insightful stuff on this thread. Not to push 12 step mtgs but thats whats helped me. Maybe hitting some mtgs can help with cravings until you get your Rx filled. Don't be hard on yourself- when I was on methadone maintenance I would sometimes get ahead of schedule- but overall maintenance saved my life.
> 
> I wonder if taking tums to increase urinary pH or taking a drug that competes with the microsomal enzyme that metabolizes amphetamines ( cimetedine seemed to help with methadone)- I wonder if there is anything analogous to help stretch out supply? Isn't there ways to make the spanules work like the instant release formulations if needed- crushing?
> 
> I'll keep you in my thoughts.
> 
> Keep us posted


Well done comrade! 
Must be SUCH a great feeling to be speed free for a year! keep it up mate.
Today is my SECOND day without the full amphetamines, I've taken 30 mg of dexedrine in the last 2 days! this is excellent! The withdrawals, are minimal. 
They would be really bad, but I don't let em get to me, I keep myself busy, but I have drank an obscene amount of coffee


----------



## Sweet P

footscrazy said:


> How you going Sweet P?



Well, I'm still using (which is why I haven't been posting much in this thread lately - I feel a bit guilty!) but I'm managing to slowly lower my intake. I'm probably smoking about 3-4 days a week on average, instead of 6 or 7. My body and my mind just can't seem to handle daily use any more.

How about you, hun? Are you managing to stay clean?


----------



## BeckyLee

jspun said:


> I don't know if anyone cares- but 1 year sober today! From meth Aug 24th was 1 year- came close a couple weeks back, though.
> 
> Alex- Good luck my man. You've posted some insightful stuff on this thread. Not to push 12 step mtgs but thats whats helped me. Maybe hitting some mtgs can help with cravings until you get your Rx filled. Don't be hard on yourself- when I was on methadone maintenance I would sometimes get ahead of schedule- but overall maintenance saved my life.
> 
> I wonder if taking tums to increase urinary pH or taking a drug that competes with the microsomal enzyme that metabolizes amphetamines ( cimetedine seemed to help with methadone)- I wonder if there is anything analogous to help stretch out supply? Isn't there ways to make the spanules work like the instant release formulations if needed- crushing?
> 
> I'll keep you in my thoughts.
> 
> Keep us posted



HELL YEAH MAAN! A YEAR is a longass time! You rock!


----------



## mav3rick

Hey Footscrazy, thanks for your response. 

You're right with a lot of the things you said. When the family found out about my using, I was kicked out and moved in with complete strangers who are never home, so there's no reason to act straight, let alone be straight. I can do what I want, when I want, which includes getting high and hanging out on the internet. Friends have all bailed, I presume because of the using and the fact that I'd rather stay home, get high and blast music than go out and party (or even just go to a movie or lunch) with them. I guess there's only so much people can put up with before they just turn away.. I can't blame them really, what kind of friend am I, really..

I started out as just a weekend user, then progressed into thursday through to sunday night, then I'd need some to function after a big weekend, and to study, then it turned into every single day, the progression was so fast!

Hmm, do I want to stop? I do. I can't take it anymore, period. Like you said, I seriously just sit here and say 'fuck it' what else do I have to do, it's not like anyone will be coming over and I have to straighten out, so I might as well use to forget they even exist. I'm also paying $80,000 for an education that I'm wasting. I did manage to make it to uni this morning though!! So that's a little bit of an achievement I guess..

I just feel lost and quite frankly over it all.. I don't want to do it anymore. But as we all know, as soon as my hands stop typing this, they will go straight back to the pipe. Fuck.

Much love, Mav 

*sends love to SweetP*


----------



## Sweet P

mav3rick said:


> *sends love to SweetP*



Back at ya! Stay strong and take care of yourself!


----------



## gorgoroth

last 4 days
day 1 no dexedrine
day 2 20 mg dexedrine (as opposed to the 60 i'm allowed to take)
day 3 no dexedrine
day 4 65 mg dexedrine  /)
Not bad eh! I think I can keep doing it... The day is harder, but I can finally enjoy marijuana again and finally can control my own thoughts!


----------



## artndrugsplz

gorgoroth said:


> The day is harder, but I can finally enjoy marijuana again and finally can control my own thoughts!



Nice, i hated the racing thoughts of a speed altered brain on weed.
Getting it back is a great sign of improvement.


----------



## jspun

> last 4 days
> day 1 no dexedrine
> day 2 20 mg dexedrine (as opposed to the 60 i'm allowed to take)
> day 3 no dexedrine
> day 4 65 mg dexedrine  /)
> Not bad eh! I think I can keep doing it... The day is harder, but I can finally enjoy marijuana again and finally can control my own thoughts!



Not bad at all! When you're able to reup in a week or so, maybe you'll be able to get by at a lower dose and be able to stockpile for rainy days- or even get by with none at all. Do you find that with less dexedrine the imagination/ fantasy enhacing effects of cannabis are improved? Keep up the good work my friend!


----------



## Sundaytripper

im posting here cause i cant send pms
im sad lonely and depressed. if it wasnt for radiohead and this girl
id probably not be here right now.
im also two weeks coming off a opiate addiction.

my girl is coming off meth its been about two years now since she used..
she has a good job with good hours and good position. also is going to school.
she tells me today that she wants a new life and is really not happy at all.
im the only thing that keeps her a little sane she says. says she just wants to be 
happy n nothing is creating that for her. said people dont make her happy, the ones who hurt or make her feel crazy. Says shes unhappy when she has to fake laugh or smile. n just overall unhappy.
i have alot of problems of my own but this girl u can tell is just overwhelmed by 
intense feelings of somthing. how is it to stop after using for a couple years?
what can i do to help her? i think she wants to do it again, i catch the hints.
can someone clue in and give me some advice for a better understanding of this whole situation?!


----------



## Sweet P

Sundaytripper said:


> im posting here cause i cant send pms
> im sad lonely and depressed. if it wasnt for radiohead and this girl
> id probably not be here right now.
> im also two weeks coming off a opiate addiction.
> 
> my girl is coming off meth its been about two years now since she used..
> she has a good job with good hours and good position. also is going to school.
> she tells me today that she wants a new life and is really not happy at all.
> im the only thing that keeps her a little sane she says. says she just wants to be
> happy n nothing is creating that for her. said people dont make her happy, the ones who hurt or make her feel crazy. Says shes unhappy when she has to fake laugh or smile. n just overall unhappy.
> i have alot of problems of my own but this girl u can tell is just overwhelmed by
> intense feelings of somthing. how is it to stop after using for a couple years?
> what can i do to help her? i think she wants to do it again, i catch the hints.
> can someone clue in and give me some advice for a better understanding of this whole situation?!



If she hasn't used in two years, she should definitely be over the worst of the withdrawal symptoms by now. Maybe she's suffering from some depression? Communication is always key, so keep talking to her. If she's seriously considering using again, encourage her to get some treatment or counselling... it's very easy to slip back into old habits, even after being clean for years.


----------



## mrs_mia_wallace

I really considered actually quitting for good, seriously, a couple weeks ago. I didn't do it but I've been thinking seriously about it lately for the first time since I relapsed almost a year ago.


----------



## Sweet P

Today I finally went along to the local addictions service and made an appointment to see a counsellor. I've been considering this for a while now, but I kept procrastinating and never got around to doing it. They said it could take a few weeks before I get an appointment, but at least I've made that step. I think some professional help will be really useful for me.



mrs_mia_wallace said:


> I really considered actually quitting for good, seriously, a couple weeks ago. I didn't do it but I've been thinking seriously about it lately for the first time since I relapsed almost a year ago.



Hey, that's a good sign!


----------



## Jabberwocky

^ Sounds like you have a good plan and you are moving things into place for real progress. Great going (((*Sweet P*)))!


----------



## footscrazy

Sweet P said:


> Well, I'm still using (which is why I haven't been posting much in this thread lately - I feel a bit guilty!) but I'm managing to slowly lower my intake. I'm probably smoking about 3-4 days a week on average, instead of 6 or 7. My body and my mind just can't seem to handle daily use any more.
> 
> How about you, hun? Are you managing to stay clean?



That's good you've cut down to 3-4 days a week - def a step in the right direction!

I am going well on meth, am just over 3 months off it now. Been doing other drugs a lot though, I'm thinking of making an effort to get off everything again in a week or two...


----------



## Sweet P

Enki said:


> ^ Sounds like you have a good plan and you are moving things into place for real progress. Great going (((*Sweet P*)))!



Thanks Enki! *hugs*



footscrazy said:


> I am going well on meth, am just over 3 months off it now. Been doing other drugs a lot though, I'm thinking of making an effort to get off everything again in a week or two...



Awesome! I'm glad to hear you're still off meth. I hope you have the same success kicking the other drugs.


----------



## Sweet P

So how is everyone doing?

This week hasn't been so good for me... I seem to be slowly slipping back into daily usage again. Well, I haven't been using _every_ day this week, but it's definitely on the increase again. I'm still waiting for the addictions service to get back to me. They said someone would contact me within a week, and a week has now passed and I've heard nothing at all. Feeling a bit discouraged.


----------



## mav3rick

Hi SweetP & everyone!

Aww *hugs* try not to feel discouraged, it does suck that no-one has contacted you, but they will! If it's taking too long for you and you feel like the matter is of some urgency, give them another call. At the worst they'll say it will take some more time.. But hang in there, I'm very proud of you for your huge effort, you're an inspiration to me and no doubt some others! Takes a lot to even call one of those places let alone follow it thru 

I haven't used since my little attack on the weekend, but I've thought about nothing else. The painkillers + injuries have reduced my mobility which means I can't really get around to score but my 'friends' to come to me, so I can score if need be. I've had people say that maybe this 'forced break' out of life to recover is the perfect situation to quit, but I'm not sure.. Already I feel depressed and lonely without it. Sad really, but I guess that's what this drug does to you.. I've noticed that things are affecting me more, one of my best friends in the whole world lost his house, the banks foreclosed on it and now he's semi-homeless, I ended up in tears when I found out, but when my other best friend died during the height of my using, I didn't even shed a tear. Hmm, weird.. I dunno, just all a bit messed up at the moment. Bah. I think the lonliness is getting to me the most. Yes, my friends were around and were super awesome just after I was bashed, but they've all gone now.. Hmm. I dunno. Don't mind me, lol, just in one of those moods. If anyone's up and wants to chat, just PM me..

Much love all.

Mavvycakes


----------



## Sweet P

mav3rick said:


> Hi SweetP & everyone!
> 
> Aww *hugs* try not to feel discouraged, it does suck that no-one has contacted you, but they will! If it's taking too long for you and you feel like the matter is of some urgency, give them another call. At the worst they'll say it will take some more time.. But hang in there, I'm very proud of you for your huge effort, you're an inspiration to me and no doubt some others! Takes a lot to even call one of those places let alone follow it thru



Thanks hun! I actually got a call from the service yesterday, and I'll be seeing a counsellor on Tuesday morning! They must have read my referral and bumped me ahead on the waiting list, cos it usually takes 3-4 weeks to be allocated a counsellor. It's perfect timing. Right now I'm desperate to start getting treatment... I hate this drug and the whole lifestyle surrounding it.


----------



## mav3rick

Aww! That's awesome news :-D Hooooray!

*gives cake*


----------



## Sundaytripper

i just offered my really good friend some shit
shes been talking about it alot latly and how she wanted to have one
more "sesh" shes been clean for close to two years i believe. she never thought
in a million years id offer her any she knows i dont normally do it.
but i had the oppurtunity and liked it alot before so figured why not grab some...

did i fuck up? im kinda worried im making a bad decision


----------



## footscrazy

^^ I think that was a bad move...
While ultimately it is still her decision, having it there, easily accessible, will make her decision not to use that much harder. And while the idea of having 'one more sesh' is good in theory, I think it is very unlikely in practice. Even if she has this one go at it and is able to put it away and forget about it - in the back of her mind will be - well, I was able to use and nothing bad happened! Maybe I can control it now? And in a few months, with that in mind, it will be a little bit easier to get on again. And I believe it could be very hard to reign it in again until it gets out of control and bad shit starts happening again - because she'll be in the honeymoon period of use - it'll all be positives and no negatives yet. I find it hard enough to remember why I've quit when I'm _not_ using - I know I'd find it impossible while getting high.

Also, sometimes when I've been trying to take a break I've thrown around the, 'oh I'd love to get on' - I do it because in a way I _want_ the decision to be taken out of my hands. It's my way of not taking full responsibility. When you're trying to quit (at least for me) there's a constant barrage of should I/shouldn't I, and it drives you crazy at times. Sometimes it's easier to put it out there ('I'd love to get on'), and then when someone brings it to you, it helps you feel like you're not _completely_ responsible for getting on (oh, it's not like I actually called my dealer and scored, it was just here...')

I hope I'm making sense here, just trying to get across the complicated mindstate you can get when quit/trying to quit.


----------



## RedLeader

footscrazy said:


> Also, sometimes when I've been trying to take a break I've thrown around the, 'oh I'd love to get on' - I do it because in a way I _want_ the decision to be taken out of my hands. It's my way of not taking full responsibility. When you're trying to quit (at least for me) there's a constant barrage of should I/shouldn't I, and it drives you crazy at times. Sometimes it's easier to put it out there ('I'd love to get on'), and then when someone brings it to you, it helps you feel like you're not _completely_ responsible for getting on (oh, it's not like I actually called my dealer and scored, it was just here...')



Makes total sense.  Great elaboration of a feeling


----------



## mav3rick

footscrazy said:


> ^^ I think that was a bad move...
> While ultimately it is still her decision, having it there, easily accessible, will make her decision not to use that much harder. And while the idea of having 'one more sesh' is good in theory, I think it is very unlikely in practice. Even if she has this one go at it and is able to put it away and forget about it - in the back of her mind will be - well, I was able to use and nothing bad happened! Maybe I can control it now? And in a few months, with that in mind, it will be a little bit easier to get on again. And I believe it could be very hard to reign it in again until it gets out of control and bad shit starts happening again - because she'll be in the honeymoon period of use - it'll all be positives and no negatives yet. I find it hard enough to remember why I've quit when I'm _not_ using - I know I'd find it impossible while getting high.
> 
> Also, sometimes when I've been trying to take a break I've thrown around the, 'oh I'd love to get on' - I do it because in a way I _want_ the decision to be taken out of my hands. It's my way of not taking full responsibility. When you're trying to quit (at least for me) there's a constant barrage of should I/shouldn't I, and it drives you crazy at times. Sometimes it's easier to put it out there ('I'd love to get on'), and then when someone brings it to you, it helps you feel like you're not _completely_ responsible for getting on (oh, it's not like I actually called my dealer and scored, it was just here...')
> 
> I hope I'm making sense here, just trying to get across the complicated mindstate you can get when quit/trying to quit.



^^ What she said! Well written


----------



## Sundaytripper

Ya most definatly thanks for the advice footscrazy
i ..by myself.. bought a tenner yesterday. racked up three goood sized lines and i 
was blownnnnn. but i dont think ima gunna bring this stuff back into this girls life.
i knew it was a bad idea internally, just wanted to make her happy :/


----------



## Sweet P

mav3rick said:


> Aww! That's awesome news :-D Hooooray!
> 
> *gives cake*



*om nom nom!*

I went to my appointment yesterday. It was just an assessment before I start the treatment. I was asked about my drug use, the effects it's having on me, etc. Apparently I fit the criteria for severe drug dependence, which doesn't surprise me at all, so I should be starting the counselling next week.


----------



## footscrazy

Sundaytripper said:


> Ya most definatly thanks for the advice footscrazy
> i ..by myself.. bought a tenner yesterday. racked up three goood sized lines and i
> was blownnnnn. but i dont think ima gunna bring this stuff back into this girls life.
> i knew it was a bad idea internally, just wanted to make her happy :/



I'm glad you decided that! I'm just thinking of myself and the way I think to give that advice, not everyone may be like that, but I can't see any good re introducing someone to it that has quit.  

...But saying all that, I'm cracking bad, would have got on a week ago if it hadn't been for circumstance (noone could get it) and I'll prob get on this weekend, I just can't care at the moment and I can't be bothered thinking about all that shit why I quit etc. I'm at week 15 off


----------



## mav3rick

Glad you enjoyed the cake! LOL

Awesome, that's such a positive step! :-D 

...................................................................................................................................................

Having a horrible day today, I hadn't used since I was attacked (post about that is around somewhere) but that all changed as of the night before last. My housemate, who's also a meth user had bought some and told me, I'd already been craving it like never before and once I found out he had some,  within an hour, I was high. So much for restraint huh. I was talking to a friend of mine from Bluelight last night who was really disappointed in me and  said 'well, you're just going to keep using and die now' when I confided in him about the way I was feeling.. That got me thinking, and thinking + meth = not a good combo for me!

I know I'm failing. I know I couldn't resist, but I just can't let it go.. :-(
I then decided that I didn't like being high (got quite upset and started re-living the attack) so I took 350mg codeine to try and sleep. Bad idea. Ended up vomiting and feeling horrible!

So the cycle continues. 

Much love  SadMav.. lol


----------



## Sweet P

footscrazy said:


> I'm glad you decided that! I'm just thinking of myself and the way I think to give that advice, not everyone may be like that, but I can't see any good re introducing someone to it that has quit.
> 
> ...But saying all that, I'm cracking bad, would have got on a week ago if it hadn't been for circumstance (noone could get it) and I'll prob get on this weekend, I just can't care at the moment and I can't be bothered thinking about all that shit why I quit etc. I'm at week 15 off



I have lots of those "I don't care" moments too, which usually result in me using. But I always feel much worse afterwards. It's just not worth it. Try to resist the urge to use... 15 weeks clean is amazing! 




mav3rick said:


> Having a horrible day today, I hadn't used since I was attacked (post about that is around somewhere) but that all changed as of the night before last. My housemate, who's also a meth user had bought some and told me, I'd already been craving it like never before and once I found out he had some,  within an hour, I was high. So much for restraint huh. I was talking to a friend of mine from Bluelight last night who was really disappointed in me and  said 'well, you're just going to keep using and die now' when I confided in him about the way I was feeling.. That got me thinking, and thinking + meth = not a good combo for me!
> 
> I know I'm failing. I know I couldn't resist, but I just can't let it go.. :-(
> I then decided that I didn't like being high (got quite upset and started re-living the attack) so I took 350mg codeine to try and sleep. Bad idea. Ended up vomiting and feeling horrible!
> 
> So the cycle continues.
> 
> Much love  SadMav.. lol



It may be a setback, but it's not a fail! Taking two steps forward and then one step back is better than taking no steps at all. Don't give up. I also don't really like being high any more. Meth is nowhere near as pleasurable as it used to be. It gives me a burst of energy for an hour or so, but then I start getting all scatterbrained and retarded.

I'm gonna try to stay off it until I see my counsellor next week, but I'm not sure how successful I'll be... I just got a txt from a dealer saying he has some nice shards available. Hopefully I can ignore him.


----------



## 3DayRun

Well, isn't everything all just fine and peachy.  For about the last 1.5 years or more I've always had the stuff around.  Without incriminating myself money and product where never an issue, for real.

I started with a bit over $300 and an 8-ball and at one point had $10,000 in assets and more product than I knew what to do.  Now, I know, you're all thinking that this is going to be some rise and fall sob-story, but it isn't, well, not exactly.

I was smart and used my money to get real tangible things.  Not like, piss it all away and haven't a goddamn thing to show for it.  I've got a nice place that's filled with nice stuff, and enjoyed the freedom that people that I associated could only dream about.  I never told myself, "No"

Best of all, my shit was down and on point.  Top notch.  Use only on weekends and never do too much.

Anyway, a bit ago, I end up having to break it off with my last girlfriend.  We weren't in the same places in life.  Whatever, no hard feelings, y'know.  Plus, end up finding out the girl stole from me, so whatever.  No love lost it seems.  I got over it quick.

But, yeah, meet this other awesome girl.  Like, real normal down to earth person.  She wasn't a mental basket case, not a drug addict, and best of all she has her shit together and wasn't judgemental.  Best of all?  She didn't take advantage of what I had.  No theft, no hand open for money, and if she wanted to use she wanted to pay her own way.

It's been about a good year now.  Went from weekend use to using everyday.  All the while not thinking anything was wrong.  Man, like it didn't make me go broke or anything, hell, in all reality, it was quite sustainable.  I know it's everyone's own choice to do what they want, but I still feel as though I helped enable it to escalate.  I've noticed a change in our personalities and how it affects us.  It's a sure sign of dependance.  Man, I don't care if I fuck up*MY* life, but I just feel an overwhelming sense of guilt.

Decided to take a break from all of it and rather than feel good, it's all anxiety, fatigue, and wanting to be back when things were in control better.

Not much point to this, but just something I noticed.  Oh well.


----------



## rangrz

not that I'm a good example of moderation or self control, but the brain fog of quitting amps really does go away in 3-4 days for most people. Remember that, if your putting off quitting cause you can't think/get out of bed/live life without speed, it gets a million times better in just a few days. Then you have some lingering withdrawl of a generally depressed mood and light brain fog, that might last upto 2 weeks, but even still, its not a long time. You can count it down on a calendar and celebrate every day finished by pushing your limit of pushups! (thats actually a trick I learned in the army for being on beastly training courses or being deployed, but seeing the end coming up like freight train and some healthy exercise really 
helps put things in perspective and make you feel alive and good.)


----------



## RedLeader

^ That's good.  I always encourage working out as an addiction to trade a bad one for.  As some of our addictive personalities extend to "addicted to being addicted to something."   Everyone's gotta find a good thing for themselves, but I think fitness is a great candidate.


----------



## rangrz

^ 

also, maybe it doesn't work for everyone, but us army types, sometimes, "embracing the suck" for its own sake can help you though the suck. revel in it. Enjoy how shitty and hard it is. Look at it like a challenge for your self, and don't accept failure as option, only victory, no matter how bad it sucks, keep a smile on your face.


----------



## Sweet P

rangrz said:


> not that I'm a good example of moderation or self control, but the brain fog of quitting amps really does go away in 3-4 days for most people. Remember that, if your putting off quitting cause you can't think/get out of bed/live life without speed, it gets a million times better in just a few days. Then you have some lingering withdrawl of a generally depressed mood and light brain fog, that might last upto 2 weeks, but even still, its not a long time. You can count it down on a calendar and celebrate every day finished by pushing your limit of pushups! (thats actually a trick I learned in the army for being on beastly training courses or being deployed, but seeing the end coming up like freight train and some healthy exercise really
> helps put things in perspective and make you feel alive and good.)



Yep, I've also noticed that the tiredness does get better after several days clean. But unfortunately, my anxiety and depression then takes over instead. It might only last for a week or two, but when you're suffering from constant panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, that's a very long time! It's also unclear how long the neurological damage from heavy use lasts... I've heard of some recovering addicts who still suffer from chronic anhedonia after being clean for a year or more.


----------



## rangrz

I have seen that treated with anti depressants, espically bupropion.


----------



## Sundaytripper

Sundaytripper said:


> i just offered my really good friend some shit
> .... im kinda worried im making a bad decision



I fucked up 
i didnt offer her any but instead went behind her back and did
it two days straight. she found out somehow... as of now she doesn't want anything
to do with me  
its sucks being lonely, cause all of a sudden i feel worthless. like shit. idk what to do.


----------



## footscrazy

I got back on!
Pretty shitty being on Day 1 rather than having 4 months off the shit 
I feel pretty complacent about it all though. Have a bad feeling about what the future holds.



			
				Sundaytripper said:
			
		

> I fucked up
> i didnt offer her any but instead went behind her back and did
> it two days straight. she found out somehow... as of now she doesn't want anything
> to do with me
> its sucks being lonely, cause all of a sudden i feel worthless. like shit. idk what to do.



Why is she angry at you? Is she angry that you didn't share with her or just that you got on in general?


----------



## Jabberwocky

^hey, no biggie dude (you too sundaytripper!)   i haven't slipped up since my last use, so you've got every chance in doing it all again!  opiates are another story for me, though  just take it day by day and you'll be back up to 4 months in no time again.

was there anything in particular that made you use?  like was it just there and you said yeah or you'd actually planned to buy some and use?

hit me up in a PM if you wanna chat or i'll catch you on msn some time.

chin up sweety, you can do it!


----------



## Sundaytripper

footscrazy said:


> I got back on!
> Pretty shitty being on Day 1 rather than having 4 months off the shit
> I feel pretty complacent about it all though. Have a bad feeling about what the future holds.
> 
> 
> 
> Why is she angry at you? Is she angry that you didn't share with her or just that you got on in general?



That i did without telling her.. i fixxed shit up with her. but old problems arise. 
Shes soooo down and depressed only time i ever see her laugh or smile
is with me. and even then after she leaves she still cant be happy, shes positive it doesn't exist. She also positive demons exist because she claims she knows
for a fact there inside her. she says she sits in front of the mirror for hours just staring at herself and hating herself. i do my best to comfort her, my best. its taken its own emotional toll on me, its all i can think about now. Today it was bad.

She said she doesnt know what shes doing anymore.. and that she doesnt want to feel like this anymore.  then i got a text "i just have to make the pain go away, i cant do this anymore." i get ahold of her to make sure shes not gunna do anything stupid. i try to assure her everything's going to be ok but idk how effective it is. She decides to go to bed which gives me relief knowing shes not just dwelling on her depression. Idk what to do im worried for her and i tryed 
to get her to see a psychologist, i even dropped acid with her and it was good and great but after it seems to have had no effect on the depression. i just dont know what to do anymore!!! fuck my life. why do i have to love this girl i cant help


----------



## footscrazy

leftwing said:


> ^hey, no biggie dude (you too sundaytripper!)   i haven't slipped up since my last use, so you've got every chance in doing it all again!  opiates are another story for me, though  just take it day by day and you'll be back up to 4 months in no time again.
> 
> was there anything in particular that made you use?  like was it just there and you said yeah or you'd actually planned to buy some and use?
> 
> hit me up in a PM if you wanna chat or i'll catch you on msn some time.
> 
> chin up sweety, you can do it!



Yo Lefty 
Great that you're still off the meth.
I didn't 'plan' to use but I did become complacent, I knew it'd be around and sort of turned a blind eye, didn't let myself think about it - But I have to admit I did know I was going to use that weekend.

It's just been so much harder this whole week, I'm thinking about it all the time but what's worse is I really have no motivation to stop myself, the reasons I stopped all seem so far away. I am trying, but it's hard to care 

Hopefully see you on msn soon 

Sundaytripper there is only so much you can do to help someone who is feeling like that. I think the most important thing is just to be there for her - although it can be frustrating try not to show that to her. You can offer her suggestions but leave them at that, just suggestions - don't pressure her to do anything.

Though, if she's threatening to kill herself you need to get someone involved. She really does sound like she needs professional help and if she threatens suicide again I would call emergency services - even if she's angry with you at first it may get her the help she needs.


----------



## Sweet P

I had an odd realization yesterday while sitting in the waiting room of the addictions service, waiting to see my counsellor. Almost everyone in the waiting room was an obvious drug addict... some were nodding in their chairs, others were fidgeting, muttering to themselves, or picking at their arms. I wasn't in a good state either, as I hadn't slept the night before and I'd been continually using meth right up until I left for the appointment. Looking around at the other patients, I suddenly thought to myself "I'm one of them!". In two years I've gone from being a bright university student with a good social life to a reclusive, sick, unemployed drug addict.


----------



## nuke

(Not to be condescending, sorry, I'm losing a friend to meth right now and I'm kind of upset at the drug.)


----------



## Sweet P

nuke said:


> (Not to be condescending, sorry, I'm losing a friend to meth right now and I'm kind of upset at the drug.)



I'm sorry to hear that. Best wishes to you and your friend. I hope he/she can find a way to break free from this habit and get their life back. I'm losing myself to meth (and isolating myself from my loved ones) so I'm rather upset at it too!


----------



## footscrazy

Sweet P said:


> I had an odd realization yesterday while sitting in the waiting room of the addictions service, waiting to see my counsellor. Almost everyone in the waiting room was an obvious drug addict... some were nodding in their chairs, others were fidgeting, muttering to themselves, or picking at their arms. I wasn't in a good state either, as I hadn't slept the night before and I'd been continually using meth right up until I left for the appointment. Looking around at the other patients, I suddenly thought to myself "I'm one of them!". In two years I've gone from being a bright university student with a good social life to a reclusive, sick, unemployed drug addict.



It's funny how quickly it grabs you, and how slowly things change, so you don't realise how different you've become until you have a realisation like that. That bright uni student is still a part of you though, don't give up on it yet


----------



## jspun

Haven't been around for a while.

*Left wing*: Outstanding Job staying off meth! Like *Red leader* mentioned, drug addiction and post acute anhedonia is very responsive to excercise. I am working on restablishing a good exercise program. I was in the habit at the beginning of summer (up in this hemisphere) of surfing almost every day. It helped immensely. As one that was strung out on full agonists as well, this has been very therapeutic. However, I injured my back July 10 which set me back so I'm trying to get back into a regular excercise routine. This especially helps with the opiate PAWS/ cravings. 

I almost relapsed back on 7/24 meth specifically, and the people on this board provided a _huge_ amount of support- thanks everyone . The people in  my 12 step world were a huge help too- found that alot of people care. What this did was motivate me to pick up my 4th step and work through it so I wasn't paralyzed by fear and tortured by resentments and regrets about the past. The obsession to use meth was lifted from me so by the middle of aug I wasn't constantly thinking about it. I also sought proffessional help for my depression and am undergoing treatment using an agent that might stir up controversy among some 12 stepers- but it is working well so far.

*Footcrazy* don't be hard on yourself for relapsing



> Pretty shitty being on Day 1 rather than having 4 months off the shit



When they say we only have today takes on new meaning for me after I almost relapsed- we all only have today. You have been a hugely supportive to alot of people around here so don't lose hope- I related with you when you said that you had become complacent because thats what happened to me. Hope your doing well.

*SweetP*

I know you have been struggling for a while. You are another one thats been really supportive on this board. It might seem hopeless and pointless right now but you've got a good heart, good attitude, and taking steps in the right direction. You can definetly do this! Worry about getting clean. Everything else will end up falling into place. What helped me get clean was going to meetings loaded and asking for help. I know that meth abuse is a new phenomena, relatively speaking in New Zeeland. But San Diego has one of the oldest meth scenes in the world (going back to post WWII). I know people that were on the drug for decades and are clean now for decades- staying clean in a sea of honey so to speak with the drug all around. A huge chunk of those that have stayed clean have gone back and resumed educations and/or obtained better employment. I just got a job offer last week so life getts better. If I had used back in July there is a good chance I wouldn't have fraction of the blessings I have now. The most worthwhile gifts for me have been peace and hope. A little more sanity and stability in my life haven't been such a bad thing either.

My friend Alex *(Gorgoroth)* how are things going with you if you're out there. Hope you are doing well! Keep you in my thoughts.


----------



## Sweet P

jspun said:


> *SweetP*
> 
> I know you have been struggling for a while. You are another one thats been really supportive on this board. It might seem hopeless and pointless right now but you've got a good heart, good attitude, and taking steps in the right direction. You can definetly do this! Worry about getting clean. Everything else will end up falling into place. What helped me get clean was going to meetings loaded and asking for help. I know that meth abuse is a new phenomena, relatively speaking in New Zeeland. But San Diego has one of the oldest meth scenes in the world (going back to post WWII). I know people that were on the drug for decades and are clean now for decades- staying clean in a sea of honey so to speak with the drug all around. A huge chunk of those that have stayed clean have gone back and resumed educations and/or obtained better employment. I just got a job offer last week so life getts better. If I had used back in July there is a good chance I wouldn't have fraction of the blessings I have now. The most worthwhile gifts for me have been peace and hope. A little more sanity and stability in my life haven't been such a bad thing either.



Thank you! Good luck for the new job... I'm glad things are looking up for you.


----------



## mav3rick

Hey everyone!

Been a little AWOL lately, had a lot going on.. We're all being evicted from the place we're living (for no reason) so trying to find a new place is hard.. Hope everyone is doing well!
I'll be back to contibute better soon.

Much love, Mav


----------



## gorgoroth

jspun said:


> My friend Alex *(Gorgoroth)* how are things going with you if you're out there. Hope you are doing well! Keep you in my thoughts.



Hey man!
FIVE DAYS OFF ALL AMPHETAMINES!
FEELS AMAZING!
I feel so healthy, admittedly I did use marijuana, opioids, and my benzo scripts to help, but I'm doing so good now!
thank you for asking my friend!
I'm actually looking for a nice girl now, a relationship, somebody to love and cuddle with.


----------



## RedLeader

^ That's good to hear about being clean   I feel ya on finding a partner.  All I can offer are cheesy phrases, as I am in the same boat, but stay clean and be productive in your life.  Put yourself in a position to meet a lot of new people.  It can happen.  I mean it does for a lot of other people, right? 



mav3rick said:


> Hey everyone!
> 
> Been a little AWOL lately, had a lot going on.. We're all being evicted from the place we're living (for no reason) so trying to find a new place is hard.. Hope everyone is doing well!
> I'll be back to contibute better soon.
> 
> Much love, Mav



That really sucks.  Do you have a place to stay right now?  Take care of yourself.  Right now is especially a sensitive time, so you need to be extra-careful about using if you do.  You need to be putting all of your money and time into trying to re-establish a foundation for your life.  I wish you the best of luck in getting a new place.


----------



## Sweet P

mav3rick said:


> Hey everyone!
> 
> Been a little AWOL lately, had a lot going on.. We're all being evicted from the place we're living (for no reason) so trying to find a new place is hard.. Hope everyone is doing well!
> I'll be back to contibute better soon.
> 
> Much love, Mav



I was wondering where you had gone! Sorry to hear you're getting evicted hun. I hope you're taking good care of yourself, and you find a new place soon.


----------



## jspun

> FIVE DAYS OFF ALL AMPHETAMINES!
> FEELS AMAZING!



Hell Fuckin Yea!!! Thats the best news I've heard in a while.%). Luck with the girl, relationships are a trip in recovery. I was married when I got clean but alot of people are hooking up at the meetings around here. However, watch out for those recovering addict girls, as my friend in AA likes to say about meetings, "the odds are good...but the goods are odd."

Good luck finding a new place Mav. Hang in there.

I posted a few hours ago but my post vanished in cyberspace in cyberspace for some strange reason.


----------



## Cloudburst

I was off the meth/amphs for 4 days. Had no plans to use it again, I was abusing some prescription drugs and doing acid today when I found an Adderall IR pill lying on my mother's desk. I relapsed today, taking Adderall and Vyvanse. I'm gonna feel terrible when this wears off...


----------



## Sweet P

Cloudburst said:


> I was off the meth/amphs for 4 days. Had no plans to use it again, I was abusing some prescription drugs and doing acid today when I found an Adderall IR pill lying on my mother's desk. I relapsed today, taking Adderall and Vyvanse. I'm gonna feel terrible when this wears off...



Don't beat yourself up! Keep on trying! I've been clean for 4 days (I think? I always lose count), but I've been seriously abusing prescription benzos instead. I'm actually feeling reasonably confident that I can last another week without meth, but we'll see how that goes! Judging by my past history, I'll probably give into temptation sooner or later... especially now that it's the weekend.


----------



## Cloudburst

Thanks for the encouragement. 4 days is hard. I am coming down now. I feel out of control and pretty suicidal, extremely shitty. Probably a prelude of what's to come. Don't say you'll probably give into temptation, as a drug addict, that means you WILL give in. Be confident and say you won't and never will, mean it too. Good luck.


----------



## Cloudburst

I had enough of this shit, I cut off all my contacts for good and got rid of my remaining stash.  With everything I did, there is NO way in hell I'm getting amphetamines again anytime soon if I wanted to. I'm starting to get the first signs of withdrawal now. It feels incredibly satisfying to quit for myself for a change and not on a doctor's orders. I got the strong antipsychotics ready for when the shit hits the fan. Hopefully an ER visit will not be necessary.


----------



## Sweet P

Cloudburst said:


> I had enough of this shit, I cut off all my contacts for good and got rid of my remaining stash.  With everything I did, there is NO way in hell I'm getting amphetamines again anytime soon if I wanted to. I'm starting to get the first signs of withdrawal now. It feels incredibly satisfying to quit for myself for a change and not on a doctor's orders. I got the strong antipsychotics ready for when the shit hits the fan. Hopefully an ER visit will not be necessary.



Well done! You've done the right thing. I find anti-psychotics really helpful for dealing with the withdrawals, so definitely use them if you need to. Also don't be afraid to talk to friends/family/professionals if things get too bad. I'm still in the midst of withdrawals myself, and it's quite an ordeal, but I know they will probably start to ease in another week. Stay strong.


----------



## fortponce

Hi I am currently trying to quit speed. I do it everyday. It just sucks when I have money all I can think is to go for it . When I used up my money all I say is that I did it again. I really don't know what to do guys I need your help.


----------



## Sweet P

^ I'm exactly the same. I'm currently sitting on $200 and I'm sooo tempted to call a dealer, but I'm trying to resist the temptation for now. I'm meeting a friend early next week who's a recovering addict, and I want to be clean when we meet. This thread has some awesome advice and support, so don't be afraid to post when you need to! Quitting takes time, but just try to focus on one day at time. Is there any treatment available in your area? You may find drug counselling useful, as I have. Good luck!


----------



## Sweet P

Ugh... these withdrawals are killing me! I've been going through lots of clonazepam to help numb the panic attacks and aggitation, but it's only having a minimal effect at best. Last night I was thinking of scoring some homebake to help escape this shit for a little while, but one of my friends died from overdosing on it a couple of years ago, and the only homebake dealer I know is a dangerous skinhead, so I decided against that idea. Fuck I hate this!


----------



## Jabberwocky

^ good idea on not getting the heroin, especially with all the clonazepam you've been using.  i know it's hard but limit yourself as much as possible with the benzos and only take them when you realy do need them.  you don't want to trade one addiction for another, after all.  you're probably having thoughts of getting high on anything available (i did) but remember you're ultimately trading meth for something else and you'll be addicted to clonazepam before you even realise.  if you're feeling an anxiety or panic attack coming on then of course use them but don't just take them every hour or two because you're feeling just a little anxious etc.

do you smoke weed?  if you're not prone to the anxiety, paranoia and panic attacks it can produce then it could well be a useful aid for you, otherwise i'd avoid it.  it's worked for me in the past and it helps turn those boring tv shows into not so boring and helps me pass the time.  chuck some music on, have a smoke and relax.  write a journal of how you're feeling, go for a walk, whatever.

when i was getting off meth i would use benzos as sparingly as possible and mainly at night to try and get my sleeping pattern back to some normality.  i was so used to being awake all night long that it was all backwards.

i used spontaneously twice last week.  first day i scored a 0.5gram and IV'd and shot 0.3gram 2 days later.  admittedly it was beautiful and extremely nostalgic - memories and feelings of the past flooded me.  i don't feel guilty or disappointed in myself because i consciously made the decision either.  so for now i'm jumping back on the sober wagon (of meth).


----------



## Sweet P

^ Good advice, as always! Unfortunately I'm already addicted to benzos as well as meth... I've been on clonazepam for about 6 years. But it seems like whenever one addiction gets better, the other gets worse. Maybe it's my mind's way of trying to compensate. Yeah I do smoke a bit of weed. I should be getting some decent stuff next week, which will hopefully help to settle me down. I smoked a joint several days ago which was laced with PCP (or some kind of dissociative). Combined with my meth withdrawals, that sent me into a nasty psychosis. So I'm a bit wary about who I get my weed from now!


----------



## gloeek

Day 2 of no meth at all...amphetamine, yes, but no meth.


----------



## Sweet P

^ 2 days is good! Keep it up! If you've been using heavily, you might notice withdrawal symptoms soon (they usually hit me on the 3rd day clean), but try to stay strong and resist the urge to use again. Be careful with the amphetamines too. Try to use those in moderation if you can.


----------



## Jabberwocky

wow, noones posted in nearly a month!  how is every going at the moment?

i've got a few points of crystal i'm sitting on at the moment but havent found the urge to use it just yet  i still haven't used since my last shot either.

i was going to use this over the weekend but opted not to.  fact of the matter is i ran out of morphine a few days early and don't have enough benzos on hand to help ease the comedown - it's either tough it through without benzos or use enough so i knock myself out, i don't like anything in between.  i know it's sitting there but i'm complacent and don't have the constant thought of using it run through my head.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Yeah, it has been pretty quiet in here lately! Where is everyone? 

I'm glad you've been managing to resist the urge to use... I think I'd still struggle to sit on a few points without having any! But I'm doing well. I've been off meth for over a week now, using weed and benzos to help manage the withdrawals. They are slowly becoming easier to deal with. 

Last week me and drug_wench went on a little holiday into the country, which also really helped. It was good to get away from the city and all our contacts there. We've decided to try using a tiny amount every fortnight together, as a treat. But if our usage starts to increase again, we've agreed to both finally stop using for good. We'll see how it goes!


----------



## Jabberwocky

thats great to hear:D  keep on keepin' on, you two seem a great support network between each other, its so good to hear!  a week off is a huge accomplishment in my view, especially knowing about each of what youve both been going through.  its great to hear that from both of you

be careful with the treats though.  ive used the same strategy in the past and its only backfired on me.  admitedly i was on my own, without much support let alone a s/o, so im sure you two girls will be able to work through it together.  youve both got my full support of course and i believe in you two

ive been drinking this afternoon/tonight and had the urges to use but ive managed to keep them at bay.  instead im researching possible rehabilitation programs sought out by another great darksider credit to kc  this is all based around my opiate addiction though


----------



## the_ketaman

Ever since I got on the methadone program and realized that I can no longer get high off of my beloved opiates ive really been craving a smoke or possibly a shot of some crystal. The good thing about it is that Ive used meth for at least 5 years now and never become even remotely as messed up from meth as i did from opiates, meth is expensive too and opiates were dirt cheap until the tolerance set in :/ I manage to keep the meth use to maximum once every 2-3 months and only one or two nights, no more.

Great to see people looking out for each other on here  makes me smile.


----------



## Sweet P

leftwing said:


> thats great to hear:D  keep on keepin' on, you two seem a great support network between each other, its so good to hear!  a week off is a huge accomplishment in my view, especially knowing about each of what youve both been going through.  its great to hear that from both of you
> 
> be careful with the treats though.  ive used the same strategy in the past and its only backfired on me.  admitedly i was on my own, without much support let alone a s/o, so im sure you two girls will be able to work through it together.  youve both got my full support of course and i believe in you two
> 
> ive been drinking this afternoon/tonight and had the urges to use but ive managed to keep them at bay.  instead im researching possible rehabilitation programs sought out by another great darksider credit to kc  this is all based around my opiate addiction though



Thanks leftwing! Yeah, we're gonna be very strict about the treats. Just one point each, every two weeks. Nothing more. We know each other well enough, so we'll be able to tell if one of us is using more than she should (I get the dreaded "spider bites" on my face with regular use, so it'll be pretty obvious if I'm returning to my old habits!).


----------



## Jabberwocky

the_ketaman said:


> Ever since I got on the methadone program and realized that I can no longer get high off of my beloved opiates ive really been craving a smoke or possibly a shot of some crystal. The good thing about it is that Ive used meth for at least 5 years now and never become even remotely as messed up from meth as i did from opiates, meth is expensive too and opiates were dirt cheap until the tolerance set in :/ I manage to keep the meth use to maximum once every 2-3 months and only one or two nights, no more.
> 
> Great to see people looking out for each other on here  makes me smile.



funny you mention that.  as soon as opiates took over my life meth took a back seat, especially since id been concentrating on my pain management.  im glad to hear youre keeping the meth to a minumin ketaman:D  its great hearing that!  ive followed you through most of this and its overwhleming to hear!  keep up with it, you know im only a pm away as usual  im in much the same place as you!



Sweet P said:


> Thanks leftwing! Yeah, we're gonna be very strict about the treats. Just one point each, every two weeks. Nothing more. We know each other well enough, so we'll be able to tell if one of us is using more than she should (I get the dreaded "spider bites" on my face with regular use, so it'll be pretty obvious if I'm returning to my old habits!).



thats great to hear, ladies:D  dont be afraid to be frank with each other or share concerns between each other - it may be hard to confront initially but it will pay off in the end.  it's great reading about to progress of you two  youve got my full support behind you both, i know you can do it!


----------



## Sweet P

leftwing said:


> thats great to hear, ladies:D  dont be afraid to be frank with each other or share concerns between each other - it may be hard to confront initially but it will pay off in the end.  it's great reading about to progress of you two  youve got my full support behind you both, i know you can do it!



No need to worry about that... neither of us are the type to hold back our opinions! We've already had some little "disagreements", mostly over my benzo use, but I'll say no more about that in case she's reading this. :D


----------



## Jabberwocky

heh, i expected as much from the both of you  ill check this tomorrow when i wake up; im gonna go pass out now.

 to you both


----------



## Sweet P

Grrr... the cravings are back with a vengeance tonight!


----------



## Jabberwocky

^im feeling you on that dude!  im craving right now as i type this, though its my own fault.

im a little drunk and high on other shit and ive been talking to a mate about IVing drugs and other things like that.  knowing im sitting on the gear still and not shooting it is taking a bit of will power, though im managing alright.  i thought i would just get it off my chest to release a little more weight.

im acting as jesus tomorrow again -  building a deck and cover tomorrow, building work - during the day/afternoon for my brother so i cant really go blasting off tonight anyway - i wouldnt go through with my plans ive already agreed to with my brother and sister in law.  and i dont want to go letting them down right now, after the support ive been receiving from them

think it through steve, think it will only be that much better on a night when youre not tied down into plans already.


----------



## Sweet P

I've been off meth for a couple of days and won't be scoring any more for another week or so. That's the agreement I've made with drug_wench - plus I'm back to being poor after giving up a few little jobs that helped to fund my addiction, so I can't really afford much at the moment anyway. 

Withdrawals have started biting me today... I've been feeling anxious, depressed, and unable to sleep. I hate how meth has such a hold over me. Drug_wench is doing really well. In fact, she's still got some gear left in the last bag she bought. Mine has been empty for days. I've got no self-control when it comes to meth. If I score a bag, I just keep using and using until it's all gone.


----------



## Sweet P

How are you doing, leftwing?

Me and DW are still doing pretty well... we're sticking to our agreement of using only a point each, once a fortnight. My self-control sucks, and I tend to go through mine pretty quickly, but I'm gonna try to make it last the whole fortnight this time - and have some days when I don't use any at all! I've never been able to sit on a bag before, but I'm spending the week with DW so I'm sure I'll find ways to keep myself distracted. :D


----------



## Sweet P

dizzychainsaw said:


> Hello everyone
> 
> I am somewhat new here. I think I am a meth addict even though I don't use every day. I feel like my life spirals out of control whenever I use. I used to only use every once in a while but I am starting to use more and more. Someone I know started to make it and when they call me it's like I can't say no.
> My priorities have been messed up because of me getting high. I skip school, call in to work, etc. I never used to be like that. I binged for a few days and now I am paying for it. My mouth is hurting, my hand is hurting from drawing for hours and hours, and I have been getting light headed and dizzy. I feel so depressed but I don't know why. I feel like I'm not even in reality.
> I haven't done any meth in 2 days. It would be so easy to just go get more but that would just start the cycle over.  Every time I use I feel so ashamed and guilty. I want to quit for my health and well being. I don't know why I thought I wouldn't get addicted when I have been addicted to other things before.



Welcome! Personally, I don't believe someone has to be using a drug every day to be an addict. Addiction happens when you lose control to the drug - the amount or frequency of the usage doesn't really matter. It does sound like it's starting to seriously affect your life, though. I know it's hard, but maybe you need to try breaking contact with the person who's cooking it, before your addiction becomes even worse. It's best to act upon these things early, before they become unmanageable. Methamphetamine is one of the most addictive (and damaging) drugs around. I wish you the best!


----------



## drug_wench

Sweet P said:


> but I'm spending the week with DW so I'm sure I'll find ways to keep myself distracted. :D



yep, we shud find sum ways to hav a bit of fun 

weve bn tweaking all night tho - its nearly 6am and id luv to fill the pipe again but instead i say we both hop in the shower and prepare to snuggle together in bed for the day, wen we get too exhausted 

anyway ive only got less than a point left that i got to eke out - were allowed another puff on monday and itll feel amazing cos weve left it so long
shit my last puff was saturday and smoking last night was awesome....only needed a few crystals really!

oh shit, were meeting my dad tonight for dinner, with him and my bro - gd thing i remembered....we definitely need that sleep!!!

but yea, we r helping each other - wen were together (which is most of the time) we dont smoke often at all
oh and i dont shoot up anymore unless the P is totally wet and theres no point smoking it
my veins r too fucked tbh - the circulation in my hands/feet is shocking and my main vein in my left arm has collapsed
so ive bn using the pipe now instead for a gd while - and im starting to see that its got its up-sides, compared wiv injecting
and the fact that my gf smokes....well why wud i shoot, wen i cud share it wiv her uthawise? so Sweet P has helped me equally as much as ive helped her wen it comes to harm reduction during periods of P use (and to make those periods happen less and less!)


----------



## Jabberwocky

Sweet P said:


> How are you doing, leftwing?
> 
> Me and DW are still doing pretty well... we're sticking to our agreement of using only a point each, once a fortnight. My self-control sucks, and I tend to go through mine pretty quickly, but I'm gonna try to make it last the whole fortnight this time - and have some days when I don't use any at all! I've never been able to sit on a bag before, but I'm spending the week with DW so I'm sure I'll find ways to keep myself distracted. :D



i ended up having another conscious relapse last week, i mixed the meth i was sitting on in with some morphine and had a pseudo-speedball.  i was meant to swap the meth for coke but that fell through and i felt like using it so i did.  i had a really good time which was guilt free  im struggling with my IV morphine intake, meth is the least of my concern at the moment.  ill be able to stay off the meth again for another good while without any problems, maybe a few cravings here and there.

thats good to hear you guys are still going well:D  im sure spending the week the DW will definitely help keep your body and mind occupied and meth not even come into the equation!  i think being able to sit on a bag can be a good exercise in building up your self control, so best of luck with it!  im sure DW will keep you in line if you begin to slip up  using only a point ever fortnight is a huge feat in itself.


----------



## Sweet P

dizzychainsaw said:


> One of the worst parts for me is trying to hide my use from everyone. I feel like I am living a lie. When I'm high at work or school,  I get paranoid and think that people know I am high. Some people may be able to tell. I haven't used in front of my boyfriend or told him I am using but I am sure he knows something is going on when I am up for days and days doing the same thing for hours and hours. I did a good job staying away from it for a while but eventually I gave in. When I am high I refuse to drive so there's no way I can take care of things. I am so sleepy right now. I have no motivation to do anything at all.
> I agree that I should cut ties with the supplier but we all know that is easier said than done. It always seems like when I try to quit a drug is when it is around the most. That always seemed messed up to me. I've been wondering if the stuff I'm getting is even legit anyway. I mean I was high but there's no telling what my friend is cooking up since she just recently started doing it. The stuff she makes doesn't look like the meth I have had in the past.



The trouble is, people eventually will notice. A meth addiction isn't easy to hide, especially if you start using heavily. The combination of the drug itself, the lack of sleep, and the lack of food takes a huge toll on your body - your appearance will definitely go downhill. 

I'm not trying to use scare tactics or anything, but just saying from my own experience and the experiences of other addicts I know. The lack of motivation could be due to the drug. After the high, your brain is left with very little dopamine, which can cause tiredness, apathy, depression, and all those other bad feelings.

Unless you know the cook well, and know how they make the stuff, you can never really be certain what your getting (or whether it's been cut with something). You said it doesn't look like the meth you've had in the past... would you mind describing what it looks like to me?



leftwing said:


> i ended up having another conscious relapse last week, i mixed the meth i was sitting on in with some morphine and had a pseudo-speedball.  i was meant to swap the meth for coke but that fell through and i felt like using it so i did.  i had a really good time which was guilt free  im struggling with my IV morphine intake, meth is the least of my concern at the moment.  ill be able to stay off the meth again for another good while without any problems, maybe a few cravings here and there.
> 
> thats good to hear you guys are still going well:D  im sure spending the week the DW will definitely help keep your body and mind occupied and meth not even come into the equation!  i think being able to sit on a bag can be a good exercise in building up your self control, so best of luck with it!  im sure DW will keep you in line if you begin to slip up  using only a point ever fortnight is a huge feat in itself.



Ah well, I guess relapses are sometimes inevitable. I eventually went to bed at around 6am and have just woken up now, at noon. That damn baggie was the first thing I thought about when I woke. I think it's gonna be a struggle to keep my paws off it, but like you say, it will be a good exercise in self control. It just feels like I'm starving to death, have a fridge full of food, but I'm not allowed to eat any of it! Damn cravings.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Amphetamines sometimes come in powder form... but it could be anything. 

You'll never really know, unless you pick up a drug test kit and test it yourself.


----------



## Libby

meth is yuck... not meth-am-friend-a-mine anymore! eewwey


----------



## Pillthrill

Does that mean you are done? Totally?! I hope so. My stint was bad enough, thank god I started listen to you all. I could have fucked up shit BAD


----------



## Libby

it means i've been dabbling a little like a point once every two weeks sort of thing, but really come to hate it now. im not going to do again, im on it now, i thought it could make me skinny and make me clean my room,... but i dont want to fucking clean my room... i cant, i hate hate hate cleaning... it used to help me with that shit... it used to help me confidence to talk to people, now it makes me rambly and strange and paranoid to talk to most people.... and i started it to be skinny, and i am currently the heaviest i've ever been 58kg on my 167cm, i was 47kg before i started so obviously the weightloss thing isnt working long term either.... it just sucks, and i have a wrinkle, around my eye, i can see where as i get older its going to threak out into millions of wrinkles. ond some guy thought i was 25, and i am not 25, ugh.... anyway... yeah me no likey


----------



## motiv311

I just was offered meth last night. Said no, and politely excused myself.      I have an adderall RX, so that helps. but it doesn't compare to a clean meth rolll. 

    Adderall also got me off opiates somehow? ? they seemed to help so much.


----------



## unaware

I was once horribly addicted to crystal meth 10 years ago.

I still cant believe how I was able to get off as easily as I did. I was only 15 at the time and it ruined my life. At first it was fun and I loved blowing dragons every so often. It than turned to smoking every single day. I would be up for a week at time and finally crash. 

It got to the point where, I would never sleep and I would just power nap for 10-30 minutes a day. This had horrible effects on my mental health and body. When I awoke from these power naps, I recall feeling like an old man. I would wake up confused and not knowing where I was. People would wake me up and I would have no idea who they were and what they want for the first 30 mins or so I would  be awake. I recall waking up to go to school unaware of anything and I would put on my pants backwards and put my shoes on the wrong side. I laugh about it now, but it was no laughing matter at the time. 

I was a really good kid before I started messing with meth. I had good grades, good friends, and a good job. What kid in high school was making $12/hour working as an assistant manager at a retail chain? I had it all until I started running with the wrong crowd. 

I ended up losing my true friends, my girlfriend, my job, and trust from my family. When the money ran out I started to steal from my mom. I would go into her purse and steal money every night. When there wasn't money in her wallet, I than turned to selling my stuff. Before I knew it, the only thing left in my room was a bed and nothing else. I sold practically everything I could get my hands on. On top of that, I started to accrue debt to my dealers. When I had nothing else left to sell, I started pawning off stuff around the house. Whatever had value, I was selling it. I couldn't believe what I had turned into. I literally lost everything including my family and I was kicked out of the house. 

I wish I could give tips on how to stay clean but this was 10 years ago. I literally hit rock bottom and I think my inspiration to quit was my family. I was only 15 and already being disowned and no one trusted me. That really hurt me enough to finally put down that glass pipe after over a year of abuse.

I was able to get off by smoking a shitload of weed everyday to the point of smoking myself stupid. I've been a pothead ever since. 10 years of smoking pot every single day without missing a beat and I am now on Day 5 of sobriety. People say weed isn't addictive? Wish they were right.

I visited my hometown for Thanksgiving and ran into a buddy that I use to smoke with. I pity him. Hes only 25 but he looks like hes 50. Hes lost half his teeth and hes just a complete mess. Talking to him is like talking to a wall. I ask him a question and he responds with something completely different. Hes really jittery and makes no sense at all. To anyone whose just getting into it, QUIT NOW!! You wont realize it until its too late and the damage is done.

I wish everyone a successful recovery! Life awaits you when you do.


----------



## Dr. Funkenstien

thank you everyone who posted.  this was very good for me to read.  day 3. my lungs hurt.  im not tired.  i feel normal.  something needs to change cause I worked too damned hard to blow it again.  i see where it can go now.  thanks again for your sharing your experiences im finding them helpful.


----------



## Sweet P

^ You'll find testing kits available to buy on the net. The basic ones usually test for alcohol, opiates, benzos, cannabis, and amphetamines. But you can also buy more advanced kits that cover a wider range of drugs, and their derivatives.


----------



## rangrz

I don't believe you have any proficiency in organic chemical synthesis; enjoy your third degree burns.

the standard P/HI reductive ephedrine process is very simple chemistry and only ëxplosive''when carried out by persons severely deficient in skill in a poorly equipped facility.

i'm all for helping quit their addiction to a substance, but that doesn't have to include false information about it, or its manufacturing process.


----------



## mrs_mia_wallace

I think I want to get off this shit.

I really don't even enjoy getting high on this drug anymore, I just do it for maintenance. But I really don't feel like I can quit amphetamines cold turkey. Has anyone had experience of doctors prescribing Adderall or Ritalin or something similar for people getting off meth?


----------



## Sweet P

^ I'm not sure how it works in the States, but over here in NZ there isn't any substitute available. Opiate addicts can get methadone or suboxone, but meth addicts get zilch. I'm currently about 5 days clean, and have been self-medicating on benzos (a shitload of clonazepam and diazepam) to take the edge off the withdrawals. It's helping, but not completely.


----------



## mrs_mia_wallace

Yeah that's what I thought. I used to have an Adderall prescrip but it got taken away when I become sick with anorexia. And when my psychiatrist found out I was doing coke he told me he'd never prescribe me stims again (I'm with a new doctor now).  

I have a guy who I can buy it off of, but it would be expensive and my whole hope
was to get off using drugs illegally.


----------



## Process

mrs_mia_wallace said:


> Yeah that's what I thought. I used to have an Adderall prescrip but it got taken away when I become sick with anorexia. And when my psychiatrist found out I was doing coke he told me he'd never prescribe me stims again (I'm with a new doctor now).
> 
> I have a guy who I can buy it off of, but it would be expensive and my whole hope
> was to get off using drugs illegally.




That would be unwise...your kicking a meth habbit. It's all emotional withdraw, what you need is some antidepressant. Talk with your doctor. And doctors wont prescribe you stimulants if your trying to kick meth.

They will give you meds (prob benzos) to help you sleep at night.

My doctor gave me bupropion its the new drug doctors been giving to coke/meth addicts and has a high success rate.

If you really want to stop, you will tell your doctor your health issue (meth addiction) and they will give you resources and meds to help. and addys are a shit stimulant unless you have adhd or never had a stronger stim.


----------



## Vladimir777

Sweet P said:


> ^ I'm not sure how it works in the States, but over here in NZ there isn't any substitute available. Opiate addicts can get methadone or suboxone, but meth addicts get zilch. I'm currently about 5 days clean, and have been self-medicating on benzos (a shitload of clonazepam and diazepam) to take the edge off the withdrawals. It's helping, but not completely.



Congrats on getting clean, Sweet P.  You planning on staying quit?  I had read your thread about how you weren't doing too good lately....


----------



## Sweet P

^ It was mainly the drama last Wednesday that prompted me to try to quit. I had a meth psychosis and several cop cars were called out to cuff me and take me downtown, before they transferred me to hospital for an anti-psychotic to calm me down. Plus I'm also facing a number of drug charges from a previous incident! I'm not sure how long I'll manage to stay clean (the cravings are killing me!) but hopefully I'll be strong enough to resist.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

I have been clean for almost a month now! My doctor prescribed me paxil and ativan. They are helping a lot with the depression, anxiety, and cravings. I have been staying away from anyone that associates with the drug.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Well done! Staying away from drug contacts is a good idea. 

The trouble for me is that contacts and gang members are really the only people I know.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

Yeah I've been lonely and bored but I just keep telling myself that it is better than the alternative. I'm still very paranoid and am seeing things out of the corner of my eye that aren't real. I don't know if that is normal after being clean for a month but I am hoping it will pass with time.

 I have been trying to keep myself busy cleaning the house, drawing, being online, watching TV, and playing video games. Basically anything to keep me from wanting to go use. The people I thought I was friends with are still using and they have no desire to talk to anyone who isn't. I guess that is for the best and they aren't really my friends anyway. I am going to try to make amends with my sober friends that I lost due to my last run.

 My last run scared me to death. I thought I was overdosing and went to the hospital. In reality, I had done a good bit but I was suffering from meth psychosis as well. I don't have insurance so now I have some steep hospital bills to remind me of the damage meth can do. At the hospital they did a EKG and told me it was just a little high. They gave me 2 mg of Ativan to calm me down and observed me for 4 hours or so. Then they let me go home with a prescription for Ativan and told me to follow up with my doctor.

 I followed up with my doctor for my anxiety and depression. She prescribed me the paxil and gave me the name of a mental health clinic nearby that takes payments based on your income. Now that the holidays are over I am going to see if I can get an appointment there.

 I have been feeling down on myself lately because I quit my job and it is proving to be harder than I thought to find another one. I feel like such a loser when I'm not working. I am also not sure if I am going to be able to go to school for the spring semester since I owe the college money. I worked so hard to get my life together but it seems like it is falling apart even though I am sober. I thank God for my sobriety!

 I read about your recent troubles Sweet P and I hope everything works out for you!


----------



## Sweet P

^ The visuals and paranoia should pass with time. How long and how heavily were you using, if you don't mind me asking? Keeping busy is important... that's what I'm trying to do, but I'm feeling so depressed at the moment I'm struggling to do anything at all. If I didn't have my benzos to relieve the anxiety and jitters, I think I'd be forced to return to using.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

I was using occasionally, like once or twice a year for a few years. Then in 2008 I was using pretty heavily for a few months then quit for a year. Then this past year I started using once or twice a month then on my last run I was using about a gram a day for a few weeks.

I was addicted before I even realized it. My addiction didn't get as bad as some peoples but even though I wasn't using as much as others, it still had a grip on me and was causing problems in my life.


----------



## Sweet P

^ I think you should be alright. You've had some good breaks throughout your usage which may have helped to minimise any damage. Meth addiction certainly is very sneaky... I was also addicted before I realised. I thought I could quit whenever I wanted to, until one day I tried and found that I couldn't!


----------



## Vladimir777

Sweet P said:


> ^ It was mainly the drama last Wednesday that prompted me to try to quit. I had a meth psychosis and several cop cars were called out to cuff me and take me downtown, before they transferred me to hospital for an anti-psychotic to calm me down. Plus I'm also facing a number of drug charges from a previous incident! I'm not sure how long I'll manage to stay clean (the cravings are killing me!) but hopefully I'll be strong enough to resist.



Yeah, I read about some of that craziness in your thread.  I'm glad at least that it put you into the mindset of quitting.  I don't have too much experience with meth, but a few weeks ago I went on a pretty bad IV heroin, meth, and crack binge.  I had never done so much meth before--I stayed up for several days, and by the end I went into what was I guess meth psychosis.  I was talking to people that weren't there and then they'd vanish and the scene would change in my head, and I'd think what the hell was I doing?  I was doing this constantly in front of my parents on the morning of a day where I had work, just being very sloppy and losing my mind, and eventually my mom was like you can't drive to work so drove me there.  I kept telling her I just had taken too much NyQuil the night before.  It's just really out of place, because if you saw me, I'm the least likely person to be doing shitty stuff like this to myself.  I don't hang out with druggie people, I barely even go out to party.  

But yeah, after shooting some big doses of meth, over and over, I can see the addictive pull.  I crave it from time to time, and I hope I don't go back to it.  My first pull is always towards IV coke/speedballs, but the meth rush, ugh....  Whatever, I'm trying to quit all three of those this year.  I hope everyone in here is doing alright!


----------



## dizzychainsaw

I did take some good breaks. I sure hope I didn't do too much damage. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be my normal self again. Its hard for me to believe that I went from being anti meth to being an addict. Its funny how life turns out sometimes. I could kick myself in the ass for going back to it after a year of being clean. Everyone was proud of me and I was proud of myself. My life was actually going good when I relapsed. I never used to go looking for meth. It used to always seem to find me and tempt me until I would give in. That's how I ended up where I am today. A month clean from meth but still trying to kick my percocet/ms contin/alcohol addictions.


----------



## Sweet P

Fuck, I don't know how much more of these withdrawals I can take. I'm panicky, irritable, restless, and my muscles are aching all over. Yesterday I had to take 100mg of valium and heaps of clonazepam to try to ease the withdrawals, and I've probably taken a similar dose today. I'm so tempted just to pick up my cell phone and txt a local dealer. I'd have a fix in 10 minutes.


----------



## Sweet P

I gave in... couldn't handle the withdrawals any longer. 

Loading up my pipe right now.


----------



## travelaroundNC

Shucks Sweet P - I was really hoping you could make it.  I am going through the same thing for 2010 giving up crack for good ... please don't give up and maybe you can continue to try to quit soon.


----------



## Vladimir777

Yeah, I definitely always have to tell my dealers to never sell to me again.  I'm not sure if they actually would or not, but I'm usually too ashamed to go back and beg even though I told them not to sell.  Although I usually always just find someone new....


----------



## lestahb

I made sure that I left myself owing my dealer money, enough so he'd be pissed not to return my call, but not enough to come after me for it.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

Sweet P- 

 I think it is common for us addicts to relapse. The important thing is to keep trying. I know all of us can beat our addictions, we just have to keep trying!!!!


----------



## Sweet P

Just letting you all know that I'll be gone for a few days - going into detox. I saw a psychiatrist today who is also considering trialling me on dexamphetamine as a methadone-like replacement for methamphetamine, since I'm classed as a "chronic user". I'm SO hoping I get that prescription!


----------



## lestahb

I think that might be an good idea for addicts, a less harmful stim, for maintenance.  I was so surprised when I went to rehab and they cut me off cold turkey from a pretty serious meth habit, but were very sure to taper down my benzo habit.  I could swear that meth is more harmful.  I know the risk of seizure etc from benzo withdrawal, but it seemed ridiculous at the time.  
Then again, it stop me from bouncing of the walls for a bit....


----------



## Vladimir777

keylog58 said:


> Just want to add to my above post.....
> I don't want to sound like I am trying to recommend anything, sorry about that, but I do think that it is a good idea to taper any sort of drug addiction.... even milder addictions like marijuana.  Quitting cold turky is too harsh, and I believe that pushes people to relapse.
> 
> Prescription methamphetamine (desoxyn) doesn't seem much different from prescription amphetamine (adderall).  I would argue that there very little difference.  Most meth addicts find that adderall is not that strong because they are used to smoking or shooting it, which provides an instant high. When taking amphetamine orally, it takes a while to peak on it, maybe 3 or 4 hours.  So there is not the same euphoric rush....so it is the route of ingestion that is important. Taking any drug orally won't be as addictive as taking smoking or shooting it. This is especially seen with nicotine addiction.  Cigarette smokers often have trouble switching to nicotine gum because it doesn't provide that instant buzz that cigarettes do.
> 
> So, in terms of addictive routes of administration:
> Shooting>Smoking>Snorting>Swallowing
> 
> I have known some recreational cocaine users who were able to control their use, but once they get into smoking crack, their use turns into a serious addiction.  I have even read about some animal based study that said rats, when given the opportunity in a lab setting, that rats will continue to inject amphetamine repeatedly until they die, but they won't eat amphetamine to the same extent.
> 
> Anyways, I am not recommending to switch from smoking meth to snorting or swallowing it, but I would think that it would be somewhat less addicting as the rush would be less pronounced.....just my two cents.



As to the cocaine thing, I was definitely that way.  Sure, I found it mildly addictive when I snorted it, but it was never a big issue.  Now I never smoked crack, but when I first shot up coke, it took ahold of me psychologically INSTANTLY once I got a good bellringer.  The rush is definitely very addictive, although I will not deny that one can get addicted to drugs even through less addictive MOAs.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

Sweet P said:


> Just letting you all know that I'll be gone for a few days - going into detox. I saw a psychiatrist today who is also considering trialling me on dexamphetamine as a methadone-like replacement for methamphetamine, since I'm classed as a "chronic user". I'm SO hoping I get that prescription!



Good luck Sweet P. Let us know how everything goes!!!


----------



## Sweet P

^ Thanks! I discharged myself from the hospital this morning (I hate that place, and their detox facility sucks) so I'm back at home now. Apparently I'll hear from the shrink on Monday, who'll tell me whether or not I qualify for dexies or ritalin to help with the meth cravings. Hopefully it'll be good news.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

I relapsed last night.
 I had been clean for a month and was doing so good. I saw one of my old buddies at the store and next thing I knew I was hiding in the bathroom of my house snorting lines. A month of clean time gone just that quickly. My addict mind is trying to tell me that it will be different this time. It lies when it tells me that this time I won't let things get out of hand. 
 Things can spiral out of control very quickly with a drug like meth. I stayed up all night then had to work all day today in a daze with customers looking at me like I was the devil himself. The psychosis seems to hit sooner and last longer every time that I use. I think meth brings out some underlying mental health issues that I have. Does anyone know anything about that?
 I told myself I wouldn't use tonight but Crystal keeps calling me.
 Dammit!


----------



## footscrazy

^ It's easy to fall into the trap of 'oh well I've fucked up now, I may as well continue using', but if you think about it it doesn't make sense - using more will just lead to even more regret, more money spent etc. Lapses are such a common part of recovery but the trick is to see them as learning experiences - think about what made it happen? Getting on is usually the end result of a long chain of events/thoughts so think about the last two weeks to see if you can identify anything that maybe led to this lapse. Maybe some rough emotions, or just not consciously being vigilant to avoid triggers, sources etc. Sometimes you do just encounter surprises that you can't avoid, but still no need to turn a lapse into a relapse.

Instead of thinking about being on day 1 now, I find it helps to think you've still only had one day of using and 30 off. I'm sure you can get right back on the wagon now


----------



## dizzychainsaw

Thank you. 
 You made several good points. I once heard that meth addicts have the highest rate of relapse. The important part for me is to keep trying. Sometimes it seems like it is easier to use than to be sober. Staying sober seems like hard work sometimes. I don't want to start using all the time again. I can't use and have the type of life I want. It's just not possible for me to function normally when I am using. I go crazy when I am using heavily. It's definitely not good for mental health. I have been having some problems the past couple of weeks. Also a lot of intense old emotions and memories have been popping up lately. I try not to dwell on the past but a lot of things were suppressed by the drugs and booze. Eventually I have to face it all, let myself heal, and move on.


----------



## Colmes

I quit amps for about 9 months. When I realized I still had no motivation or energy, I went back. For me, its a lost cause. At least i'm now prescribed dexamphetamine, which is, in my opinion, the one with the least harsh high, and the least harsh crash.

But man, when they say it takes years for your brain to heal, they actually mean years! who woulda thought.


----------



## lestahb

dizzychainsaw said:


> Thank you.
> It's definitely not good for mental health. I have been having some problems the past couple of weeks. Also a lot of intense old emotions and memories have been popping up lately. I try not to dwell on the past but a lot of things were suppressed by the drugs and booze.



Hey Dizzychainsaw,
First, congrats on 30 days away from meth, that is amazing.  keep on trying!
Also,  you mentioned mental illness and meth use.  I found in rehab, that all of the meth addicts were all lining up at pill time.  It was weird, we all had depression, anxiety,  and some schizophrenia.  There was an article in the newspaper about meth addicts who had gone into psychosis and hadn't come out.  It was in my city, so I kept reading about the doctor who was very concerned. I didn't read anything about him figuring out why certain meth patients would go into psychosis and not come out, but he theorized that those people were predisposed to schizophrenia.  I talked to the meth addicts at my rehab, and those that were on anti-psychotics, and weren't using them as atypical anti-depressants, spent a lot of their meth run not sleeping.  They would run for days and days.  I usually caught a little sleep, I was living with non-users so it was easier, but I came to ponder that this might have helped staving off psychosis.  I'm not a doctor, this is my own theory, but it seemed to hold true for what I've seen.


----------



## brettonknight

my biggest problem with methamphetamine was the comedown. i didnt eat for three days. i dont understand how people come to cope with the comedown. IMO thats the biggest reason to avoid it. I did it for the sake of trying it and never did it again. Almost od'd too the first time. and i was injecting. the whole experience was like getting hit by a truck. For those who found meth to be fun im glad youve decided to stop getting hit by trucks for three days straight.


----------



## paranoid android

Ive never used meth (ive kinda promised people i wouldnt) the only amphetamine ive used is dextroamphetamine and ive had a few binges on it. Since i already have bipolar disorder with some psychotic features i think meth would be a goddamn disaster.

 About the meth addicts going into permanent psychosis. I notice even without stimulants that i start to get mild hallucinations after only 24 hours of no sleep. Dex does not seem to have any effect on the when PA will go crazy time. The longest ive ever stayed up on the stuff is 3 days and i had a complete mental fucking breakdown on the 3rd day. My whole world just came crashing down around me and this was when i was still high mind you. So yeah a run on meth would most likely drive me completely manic and crazy and id end up in the psych ward shot full of anti-psychotics.

 Stimulants arent for me i guess atleast not on a regular basis. Freaky though that even when i havent touched any drug that could set off psychosis for weeks/months that i still get some mild hallucinations after being awake 24 hours or a little more. That is unless i take some zyprexa or risperdal and im supposed to be taking the latter everyday anyway.

 Needless to say someone already with bipolar disorder who became addicted to amphetamines could go completely off the fucking deep end fairly quickly.


----------



## Sweet P

^ I'm glad you managed to keep away from it, PA. You're right. Bipolar + methamphetamine = disaster waiting to happen! I'm still waiting for the local drug & alcohol service to get back to me about the treatment for my addiction. My counsellor phoned me yesterday and said they were gonna discuss my case at a team meeting, so hopefully there will be a positive outcome. All my hope is clinging on getting a prescription for dexamphetamine or Ritalin to help with the meth cravings/withdrawals. If they don't give it to me, I don't know what will happen. I'll probably be forced to go back to using meth, cos I just can't deal with all this crap. I've been feeling so horrible lately, I can't take much more of it.


----------



## paranoid android

^^^ AWW im sorry Sweet P  . Youve had such a shit time lately i really hope things look up for you soon. With any luck theyl put you on dexedrine as id imagine that would help the cravings a good bit. Kinda like methadone for a junkie really. So i really hope they give it to you because theres nothing good that came out of meth yet. Plus the whole hasssle of scoring takes it's toal on you as well and the cost makes sure your always broke.

 If you see me on MSN hit me up no matter what my status is. I might not be on much tonight though as im dead tired.


----------



## gorgoroth

Guys
I'm SORRY I haven't posted here lately, It's a REALLY long story, on one occasion I became convinced that some date last December was my birthday when it is not in december at all.
 I'm fighting hard here but fall down and down...
PA can I talk to you my friend???
Could you give me a call sometime man?


----------



## gorgoroth

I have relapsed last month on meth, have used too much dexedrine and oxycodone this month.
I'm going through w/d from BOTH of the latter right now.
 The hallucinations almost make me feel at peace with myself, looking up suicide bridges on the internet brings me great fascination and curiosity.
I think I have LOST IT this time guys my mind will fade off now.


----------



## Captain.Heroin

Sweet P said:


> ^ Thanks! I discharged myself from the hospital this morning (I hate that place, and their detox facility sucks) so I'm back at home now. Apparently I'll hear from the shrink on Monday, who'll tell me whether or not I qualify for dexies or ritalin to help with the meth cravings. Hopefully it'll be good news.


I'm rooting for you, Sweet P.  Hopefully they can set up a d-amp taper pretty soon.  

I know what it's like when you feel like a drug is haunting you every step throughout your life.  Good luck and take care!  Have a few benzos on hand if need be!

It takes a strong person to keep up a drug habit and an even stronger one to quit.  If you want to talk feel free to PM me.  



gorgoroth said:


> I have relapsed last month on meth, have used too much dexedrine and oxycodone this month.
> I'm going through w/d from BOTH of the latter right now.
> The hallucinations almost make me feel at peace with myself, looking up suicide bridges on the internet brings me great fascination and curiosity.
> I think I have LOST IT this time guys my mind will fade off now.



Take another break from the meth, man.  Get some sleep, you'll feel better.  

Sorry to hear you're experiencing hallucinations, I know that they're not fun.


----------



## Sweet P

Captain.Heroin said:


> I'm rooting for you, Sweet P.  Hopefully they can set up a d-amp taper pretty soon.
> 
> I know what it's like when you feel like a drug is haunting you every step throughout your life.  Good luck and take care!  Have a few benzos on hand if need be!
> 
> It takes a strong person to keep up a drug habit and an even stronger one to quit.  If you want to talk feel free to PM me.



Hey, thanks! Don't worry, I've usually got plenty of clonazepam and diazepam on hand - another addiction of mine! But frankly, I can live with a life-long benzo dependence if it means quitting meth for good.


----------



## puckboy

^
When I was addicted to benzos it made me much more compulsive and reckless with my actions, I started drinking heavily, got into opiates more, all because I constantly had that nagging feeling in me that I needed more drugs to calm me.  Because benzo tolerances just get rediculous after a while and when they stop working and you really have anxiety your just in a constant battle to not slip into a world of hell.  Benzo addiction is fucking horrid, don't underestimate it Sweet P.  Their effects may be subtle but physical dependance has a HUGE impact on you mentally.  You should try and cut down your benzo usage, I bet it'd make a difference in helping you get off meth, but obviously I wouldn't do this all at once.

I take dexamphetamine daily for medical purposes (prescribed) and I'm already dependant on this stuff too, it's nowhere near the level of addiction a meth user would be going through so I think it's a great idea to switch to d-amp and taper.  But if I don't take my dex-amp I'm very moody, irritable, tired, unable to do things and just generally feel shit.

To sum things up though, when I was addicted to benzos and I think I'm nearly becoming addicted again (meh), it changed my attitude and made me crave other drugs alot more then usual.  I'm really careful with my diazepam these days.

But yeah, dexamphetamine would be a great replacement for meth and cure of the w/ds, I really hope you do get scripted it and things work out, I don't see a reason why they wouldn't.  Best of luck, hope this post makes sense, I'm rather drunk.

I've become quite dependant on dexamphetamine (35mg daily, sometimes less, sometimes much much more), having access to plenty of them on the black market too doesn't help.  I can't imagine how a smoking/IV meth habit would feel like, though I've used a fair bit of meth over the years, though I only ever snorted it.  Much love  to everyone here battling with Meth/Amp dependance.


----------



## Sweet P

puckboy said:


> ^
> When I was addicted to benzos it made me much more compulsive and reckless with my actions, I started drinking heavily, got into opiates more, all because I constantly had that nagging feeling in me that I needed more drugs to calm me.  Because benzo tolerances just get rediculous after a while and when they stop working and you really have anxiety your just in a constant battle to not slip into a world of hell.  Benzo addiction is fucking horrid, don't underestimate it Sweet P.  Their effects may be subtle but physical dependance has a HUGE impact on you mentally.  You should try and cut down your benzo usage, I bet it'd make a difference in helping you get off meth, but obviously I wouldn't do this all at once.



Well, yeah, I'll probably eventually need to taper down the benzos. I've been on clonazepam daily for 6 years, and diazepam daily for a few months on top of that. But quitting meth is my priority at the moment. At least the benzos can be monitored by my doctor, I know they're the real deal, and in the short term they're less harmful to me.


----------



## Sweet P

Fucking hell. I just heard that I won't be able to see the shrink until February. I'm already struggling at the moment as it is... I doubt I'll be able to wait that long for the dexies before I start using again.


----------



## AphexAcid93

Thank you so much Wingnut...seriously. 
Wish I'd seen something like that, when coming off my really bad ampheta-spirial, a year ago.  
(please forgive me, if this is not considered "helpful", but I hope it could be...and I really care alot about this thread+trying to get people to re-think 'doing it just once', Mods remove if needed :/ )

Anyway, when my "spiral" happend(the first of 4 times lol), I was 16, very frightening, turning on my mother, who I was always close to, as close can be. 
I'd throw dishes/pots and pans/etc, whatever, at her. hitting her a few times. Not cool. 
Onto the main reason why I am posting: When I hit the bed, after a couple of yrs binge, I ran out..my doctor had cut me off...I laid there in bed 24-7, crying my eyes out, shivering and shaking at any little sound in the House, irrational talking out of my head(I guess from the combo of the high/high Fever I had + amp's leaking out of me?) and of course....the bitchyness. this went on a little over 2 weeks, just lying in bed, not showering, crying, crying, crying, battling thoughts in my head of what "They" had planned for me...thank god I had my mother. My blood pressure would be sky rocketing, and I'd eat anywhere between 10-15  10mg.Valium, didn't do a whole lot for my anxiety or blood pressure, and I had ZERO tolerance(Not saying it wasn't a miracle anyway, it's the only thing that got me to choke down stuff like Nutrition Bars, ramen noodles, and as other's have said Yogurt)
 Last things I remember about that awful time is; just sweating insanely, talking out of my head, and being in a rage everyday....towards everyone, just really bad vibes folks!

But....it GOT BETTER! So, people keep your heads up please. Whether it be Crystal or drugstore Amphetamines....THEY'RE ALL FUCKING HORRIBLE. [it will get better for you guys struggling...heh....matter of fact I just relapsed 2 weeks ago, and have plenty of amp's coming in.....I was happy at first, but I know me and there is no "doing it just for fun" I take it to the maximum, and with all my mental problems going on, I'm afraid of what will happen tomy mind. )

sorry to be a downer....just trying to help.  sorry you guys


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

AphexAcid93 said:


> But....it GOT BETTER! So, people keep your heads up please. Whether it be Crystal or drugstore Amphetamines....THEY'RE ALL FUCKING HORRIBLE. [it will get better for you guys struggling...heh....



I *completely *agree. Ime, I never ever thought I would just feel 'normal'. 

But here I am, free from addiction. And I couldn't be happier.


----------



## rollin dubbs

im trying real hard to stop doing speed.
but i keep getting back into it. I relapsed today i went to school and all i did was blow speed all day then i went home and just did more untill 6 when i had to go to my drug program (wich i check myself into) and now my head is fucking pounding, im hungry as shit from not eatting. but no matter how sick and tired i get of the crash i still keep going back to it.

i really need some help and guidance from anyone who has been clean of any speed.
can some one please help?
everyone i just says you need to find somthing to do that you are into or get a job or somthing. but the thing is i try but im not really into anything like i used to be it really sucks cuz everyone makes it sound so easy.
and i tryed getting a job to keep my self busy but the only thing that happend was i just got high at work haha. its like theres nothing i can do

i really need all the advice i can get. 
can some one please help me out???


----------



## rollin dubbs

or send me a message please??


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## Sweet P

^ I'm a struggling meth addict myself, so I know how you must feel. Keeping yourself busy is important, but like you say, it's hard when you don't have any real hobbies or interests. Meth was (and kinda still is) my whole life - I don't really have much else to do during the day, as I don't have a job and I don't go to school. Try going for walks, doing housework, and stuff like that. Just anything to keep your mind off the drugs. It's easier said than done, but I wish you all the best. Feel free to PM me if you need to. You won't be able to PM until you reach 50+ posts, though.


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## rollin dubbs

i just hope i can keep my mind off drugs. the longest ive been sober in 2 years is about 3 days.
i never make it past the 3rd day


----------



## Sweet P

^ Just take each day as it comes. Try focusing on the present, rather than looking ahead. I've been clean for about 2 weeks now, which is the longest I've been clean in a very long time. It's still very difficult for me, but as each day passes, it gradually gets easier.


----------



## rollin dubbs

thanks i think thats going to help.
2 weeks..do you feel good about that?  if i did that i would feel unstopable


----------



## Sweet P

rollin dubbs said:


> thanks i think thats going to help.
> 2 weeks..do you feel good about that?  if i did that i would feel unstopable



It feels good, but I'm not quite out of the woods yet... I think I'm over the worst of the withdrawals, but the cravings are still bugging me. I'm seeing a shrink in February who will hopefully prescribe me some dexies to help cope with the cravings. I've also got court coming up. Facing multiple charges thanks to my addiction!


----------



## rollin dubbs

aw damn
well good luck to you man im happy for you getting clean for 2 weeks.
just be stong through man good luck with court.
that shit could make anyone go nuts.

are you looking at any time do you think?


----------



## Sweet P

^ Thanks. It's my first offence so I doubt I'll serve time (thankfully, as men's prisons aren't exactly good places for transsexuals!), but I'll probably get a fine or supervision (probation). I'm actually not that worried about it.


----------



## rollin dubbs

oh nice aditude man.
yea im sure youll do fine its just gonna be a bitch haha


----------



## Sweet P

Broke my clean time... have had 2 pipe-loads of crystal. But me and drug_wench (my girlfriend) had a good long talk about things, and we're feeling a lot more positive now. We've agreed to get clean from all hard drugs by the end of this year, to stop associating with gang members and dealers, and to find hobbies, clubs, or just something to keep us busy and "replace" the addiction. We both have addictive personalities, so we've gotta find a healthy addiction instead of a negative one.


----------



## Lifeandtimes

Sweet P said:


> Broke my clean time... have had 2 pipe-loads of crystal. But me and drug_wench (my girlfriend) had a good long talk about things, and we're feeling a lot more positive now. We've agreed to get clean from all hard drugs by the end of this year, to stop associating with gang members and dealers, and to find hobbies, clubs, or just something to keep us busy and "replace" the addiction. We both have addictive personalities, so we've gotta find a healthy addiction instead of a negative one.



what do u mean by associating with gang members? are u connected like that? i saw a documentary on the mongrel mob, are these guys really heavy where ur from? they seemed like a bunch of drunkard clowns. are they for realz where ur at?


----------



## dizzychainsaw

I'm back everyone. After I relapsed I ended up in the hospital again because I was having anxiety and panic attacks and also going into psychosis. Everyone kept asking me if I was trying to kill myself which I wasn't. I just convinced myself that I could do a little meth and be ok. I was so wrong!!!! I have been clean for 4 days now. It isn't much but it's a start. I am so scared of the damage that I have done to my body and my mind. I don't know where to start to get healthy again. I have been sleeping and eating a lot the past few days. I am so unmotivated but I am forcing myself to get out of bed, get dressed and find a few things around the house to do every day. Work has been hard the past couple of days, but I made it through. I hope everyone else is doing well.


----------



## Sweet P

Lifeandtimes said:


> what do u mean by associating with gang members? are u connected like that? i saw a documentary on the mongrel mob, are these guys really heavy where ur from? they seemed like a bunch of drunkard clowns. are they for realz where ur at?



I'm not a gang member, but I have associations with a couple of biker gangs... one is local to my home city, and the other is in another city. The second one is much larger and more well-known, with chapters in at least several countries I think. I've worked for them in the past, I'm friends with a few members, etc.

But yeah, New Zealand does have a big problem with gangs. Some cities more than others. Have you seen the film Once Were Warriors? Here's a trailer (be warned: it's violent!). It gives a glimpse into the gangs and the lives of their members - the predominantly Maori/Polynesian ones (similar to the Mongrel Mob), rather than the predominantly white biker gangs that I'm associated with.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

I forgot to mention that I have an appointment at a substance abuse clinic Thursday and my family doctor Friday. Also, sometime next week I am going to a walk in mental health clinic. Hopefully they will be able to help me. I've been thinking about going to an inpatient rehab but I'm going to give myself one more chance to get clean as an outpatient.


----------



## Sweet P

^ I think that'll be a good move. The drug & alcohol service in my city has helped me immensely, and I also have a long history with the mental health service. I think you'll find them very helpful.


----------



## Pillthrill

Sounds like a big plan Sweet P. Are you sure you can/want to take that all on at once. Not that I'm saying that you shouldn't do all of those things. I'm just concerned about you being upset if you fail in one area and giving up on all of it. 

I wish you lots of love and luck! That stuff is so...near impossible to deal with... 
Hang in there! If you wanna talk you know where to find me 

*hugs*


----------



## rollin dubbs

ive been just reading this thread for the last few days.. even stuff that i already read..it just helps to know that im not the only one that has this tough of a time with this shit.
this has been my first real day off of it in a while.

..i kind of want it to stay that way but fuck these cravings!


----------



## rollin dubbs

you guys really give me hope though i dont know how you do it honestly


----------



## Sweet P

Pillthrill said:


> Sounds like a big plan Sweet P. Are you sure you can/want to take that all on at once. Not that I'm saying that you shouldn't do all of those things. I'm just concerned about you being upset if you fail in one area and giving up on all of it.
> 
> I wish you lots of love and luck! That stuff is so...near impossible to deal with...
> Hang in there! If you wanna talk you know where to find me
> 
> *hugs*



It'll be tough, but I think me and DW can do it. We have to anyway... both of our health is suffering because of our drug use. After a recent binge (smoking and IV'ing 4 grams a day for almost a week), my doctor blatantly told me that if I continue I'll be dead sooner or later.

Anyway, thanks for the support and encouragement. I appreciate it.


----------



## zephyr

^Good luck to both of you.  I can relate to that use, I used about that for at least a year a couple years ago.

Trying to get off it for good is really difficult when the source is still there and having your good friends being meth addicts is really dangerous for people getting off it.

I am really good friends with my fellow ex  users- but thats long distance, I moved to where I could be clean and not crave and influence others to break the sobriety and get high.

I have been clean for about a year, I no longer crave it or really think about it even though I know I could get it- sources pop up from the strangest places.

I was supposed to go to Byron Bay for new year, but didn't.  I had a bit of drugs then but not nearly the drug fest I would have had if I went.  It was my first new year waking up without being seedy.


----------



## Lifeandtimes

Sweet P said:


> I'm not a gang member, but I have associations with a couple of biker gangs... one is local to my home city, and the other is in another city. The second one is much larger and more well-known, with chapters in at least several countries I think. I've worked for them in the past, I'm friends with a few members, etc.




wow that's pretty cool, but these must be low ranking gang members, street hustlers right? What is the most powerful gang there? what is the Mongrel Mob like? are these white gangs your talking about racist? I am assuming they are. Gang culture has always interested me


----------



## Sweet P

Lifeandtimes said:


> wow that's pretty cool, but these must be low ranking gang members, street hustlers right? What is the most powerful gang there? what is the Mongrel Mob like? are these white gangs your talking about racist? I am assuming they are. Gang culture has always interested me



I'd rather not talk too much about it here - we're kinda going off topic anyway. But no, the white biker gangs generally aren't racists, and I know more than just the low-ranking street hustlers. PM me if you like. If you wanna read more about the New Zealand gangs, check out this site.


----------



## rollin dubbs

Lifeandtimes said:


> Gang culture has always interested me



same and thats how i got myself into this mess...


----------



## Sweet P

^ It isn't how I got myself into meth, but it's probably the reason I'm now in so deep.


----------



## Whatchamacallit

5 years of ecstasy use, 2 years of cocaine use all cumulated in 3 years of methamphetamine use. Yes that's 10+ years of use, one drug at a time.

Lost my father, mother, brother and best friend of over 20 years.

But I know who I am and where I'm going.


----------



## rollin dubbs

Sweet P said:


> ^ It isn't how I got myself into meth, but it's probably the reason I'm now in so deep.



mhmm.. its so hard to leave. once your in its like thats all you know thats what im going through anyway


----------



## rollin dubbs

im trying to get a new phone with a new number. also trying to find people who can help me stay clean (wich is a hell of a lot harder then everyone makes it seem). but every day is a new day


----------



## nearjat

Just wanted to share that a friend of mine is in the "having fun" stage of meth addiction right now... really sucks. Her tweaked up thought process rationalizes the fuck out of the whole ordeal. She's using daily now I think. Seeing her go through this has really made it clear that some drugs really shouldn't be fucked with.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Yeah, I remember the "having fun" stage with meth. I was on top of the world and thought it was the best thing ever. But as time passed, the fun wore off and I was using the drug daily just to function as a normal human being. My health has also seriously deteriorated. Maybe you could show your friend this thread, so she can read about some of the shit meth addicts have to deal with? Could be a wake-up call for her. Best wishes.


----------



## Lifeandtimes

rollin dubbs said:


> same and thats how i got myself into this mess...



for realz?


----------



## sheetmetaler

new here but ive been reading for a few days and found here just how screwed up my addiction really is.

ive been using street crank/meth/shards/ daily for over a year now.... it started as a weekend thing here and there for partying but then found out really quickly that going to work while on it is almost undetectable to anyone and my work ethic quickly became an example to other employees. i was promoted. given 2 raises that were totally unobtainable before amphetamines. i tried adderall and i feel that same feeling on that as well it just isnt as easy to get as the other crap. i only snort and my nose is in horrible shape but i refuse to IV and smoking at work is not an option. im restricted to using while in the bathroom stall. I dont get any euphoric or any "on top of the world" feelings anymore after a year but just getting up and going to work and working 10-15 hours a day without any complaints and totally focussing on everything i do is what keeps me on it. i tried giving it up and its totally do-able because i dont really have any withdrawls other than what seems like extreme fatigue and lack of motivation to work at all! so i dont know what to do here. i know the thing to do is quit but everyone knows u cant quit unless u want to. so basically im in a neverending loop that is going to eventually ruin my life... if not end it! i dont know the reason for me adding this... but im the only person other than my dealer that knows about it. and i feel like getting it off my chest. ive lost 15 lbs also and have maintained my weight since like the 2nd month of daily use with no problems. i try and use it as healthily as possibly constantly maintaining my weight and caloric intake... and also my water intake. i also found that milk thistle really seemed to help with the liver pains (acute hepatitis) i was having from the low grade or possibly just the meth itself period. Anyway... im a prime example of a functioning addict and i agree wholeheartedly that i am.... but i hope anyone that reads this also knows that even functioning while on it i wish i never tried the stuff. i get depressed, i look at my wife and think to myself how lucky i am to have her and how stupid i am that im killing myself and how much im going to hurt my family and her when i die (because theres no ifs about it) our bodies (liver and heart especially) are not made to endure long term what these chemicals do to it. there are days where i have to close my eyes and breathe long and slow to myself to try and calm my heart rate down just enough so that the chest pains go away and i dont go into cardiac arrest!... its crazy. i regret everything.


----------



## ahlongsan

howdy mates,

i have not posted for a while now coz i've been spending all my free time either trying to score some shards or loading them into a pipe

i used to have a H habit but have been clean for years and then next thing i know( i moved to a new working location) the in thing here is crystals so anyway i tried it once and then once more and then it's like a daily thing now......or rather it's been daily till about 4 days ago...so yeah clean for 4 days now and the cravings if any is not really that bad all i feel is a bit tired, slack, lazy and no motivation.....but it's not as bad as my H w/d ten years before....no shaking or pain in the joints or running nose.

thing is this have been a fairly common for me to stop for a few days or weeks and then suddenly the craving surfaces..it's like it was never there till it sufaces and i NEED a big hit on the pipe there and then......this have been a never ending cycle which i'm trying to stop.

my question is does anyone here feels the same?? as in like no cravings at all and then suddenly the CRAVING just kicks in one day and u've got to have it???

at the moment my life is still intact but i fear that if i do not kick this meth monkey off my back it'll eventually ruin me for sure

Any advise??? please help

Cheers,


----------



## crazyhairman

it sucks but u relly just gotta tuff it out . it was sooo hard for me to say no and actully not do any for a long time,  all my friends were into it.   it was fun but it made me suffer twice as much as it did make me feel good .  time helps , because now 3-4 years after i can barly remeber the rush , i just made myself associate it with bad times even though at the time i was having the time of my life.   u just gotta stay clean man its powerful but we know u can do it - im telling u time helps,  but also i know ppl that just got burned out on it . like they would try and quit time after time but only when there life changed and subconsously made that mental change they never touched it again.  but it just gos to show u that u can quit all u want but untill u make that menal change and acctully 100% want it out of ur life u will have the best chance of never relapsing   .      u can do it    time helps   its going to be hard but its sooo worth it,   just talking about this brings tiers to my eyes tiers that for me its over i dont ever have to feind again over that stuff but so many others that still stuggle with addiction,  so many of my friends that will never be the same,  so many broken dreams, but it dosent have to be that way .   just dont give up stop wile u still can or have sumthing to stop for no one blames u -  addiction can happen to anyone  u can do it


----------



## Sweet P

A couple of days ago, I broke ties with one of the gang members I was associating with and scoring drugs from... so that's one less contact, which I suppose is a good thing.


----------



## speedy-jay

i did cocaince for about 3 years befor i did speed

i never thought id do meth but i loved coke so much but i hated paying so much for it so i went to ice instead. cheaper and more bang for the buck

2 years after that i have no idea what the hell is going on in my life and feel like im living in a completely different reality then everyone else (most likely due to psychosis)

i wish i could get the willpower/motivation to quit


----------



## BIGsherm7272

ahlongsan said:


> my question is does anyone here feels the same?? as in like no cravings at all and then suddenly the CRAVING just kicks in one day and u've got to have it???
> 
> at the moment my life is still intact but i fear that if i do not kick this meth monkey off my back it'll eventually ruin me for sure
> 
> Any advise??? please help
> 
> Cheers,



I felt the same way when I first went through opiate withdrawals.....It was such a horrible and depressing experience I had virtually no desire to ever use again.....and that went on for a couple weeks.  But out of nowhere I found myself craving them so bad for some reason, and rationalized that one more time was ok, and.......well you know what happens.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

I hope I don't relapse ever again. How do I stay clean? It's easy right now since I don't have any connections but what happens when I inevitably hear from one of my old drug buddies? How do I say no instead of the usual well one more time will be ok? Obviously my abuse of meth has gotten out of hand since I have ended up in the hospital the past two times I have gone on a run!

  I have been sleeping 12 or more hours a day and have been doing absolutely nothing. I haven't been able to get up early enough to go to the mental health clinic. All I do is eat, sleep, and go to work. My depression and anxiety and paranoia are at all time highs. Not to mention I recently quit drinking after being an alcoholic for at least 7 years and I am still struggling with a painkiller addiction. I feel so frustrated with it all!!!!!


----------



## ahlongsan

howdy again all,

it's been 1 more day without meth and it went fairly easily...hope tomorrow will bring me the same emotional strength.... i supposed we all have to take it one day at a time hey..... i'm just reallly worried about the cravings as and when it comes then it's gonna be like hell

one questions mates, i've heard that magnesium can help but i'm unable to get any for some silly reasons no pharmacy sells them here where i am so question is is there any substitue??? i know bananas have heaps of it but i'm feeling like Monkey man now just crunching on bananas all the time and i have no ideal how many mgs of magnesium there is in each one so i can't really calculate so if anyone out there can advise me on a alternative that's great and will surely be a great help.

Cheers all take care and be safe


----------



## ahlongsan

Sweet P said:


> A couple of days ago, I broke ties with one of the gang members I was associating with and scoring drugs from... so that's one less contact, which I suppose is a good thing.



Howdy Sweet P,

I know from my own experience that staying away from these ppls helps for sure.....when i was on H years ago and i decided to w/d my gf ditch my mobile and lock my doors and that's how i finally did it with the H but now i have a bigger problem with meth When will i ever learn??

anyway i've been reading on your progress and pray for you to have the will and strength to get thru it just like myself and so yeah it's 100% a good thing to stay away from these ppl. my prayers are with you tonight..may the lord Buddha bless us with peace and happiness forever and ofcoz the will to kick the fooking meth monkey off our back which brings me to a Queen tune..." I Want To Break Free"


----------



## panic in paradise

"one questions mates, i've heard that magnesium can help but i'm unable to get any for some silly reasons no pharmacy sells them here where i am so question is is there any substitue???"

this was brought up recently...?!? but epson salt is full of Mg, use 2 cups of it in a hot bath, your body absorbs around 4 cups of the water that you bath in so you should get a good dose, enough of one that its dangerous for diabetics as it plays with your glucose levels.

put a few drops of essential oil in a large jar with the salts. i like and not by its self ever, but 5 drops patchouli, 3-5 drops rose otto(that combo is often refereed to as dragons blood) with a drop of vanilla or 2 of tonka bean. frankincense and myrrh is always good, nice, deep, and calming as well. "amber" oil is great, i have my own blend in a 3 oz dropper that has been setting, marinating for over a year. 

oh ii could go on but, essential oil's and everything to do with them is a good hobby or medical practice, that takes a lot of patience and love for mundane detail precise attention, very diverting, and therapeutic. 

but the epson salts, for magnesium that you should be able to find most any where in a milk carton looking box.


----------



## ahlongsan

mates,

i feeling my will slipping right now?? the urge to score is overwhleming.....please lord let me be able to conquer my addictions please...........bad day today woke up with full on 140% cravings......need some now.....but trying hardest not too score......


----------



## Sweet P

^ Stay strong. Try doing something to take your mind off the cravings.


----------



## Sweet P

Suffering at the moment... I'm in tears as I'm typing this. My cravings are so bad they're totally off the scale. I'd go score a bag, but I'm broke as fuck, which is leading me to think of all kinds of things I could do to get some fast cash. Fuck I hate this! I feel like I'm going insane.


----------



## serendipitous9257

Sweet P .. Take your own advise - I know easier said than done. But you came to post on here for a reason, a distraction. Is their someone you can call and talk to, even if it's just to distract you long enough to ride it out? Hang in there, you can do it!


----------



## Sweet P

^ I know, but I'm finding it hard to distract myself. 

I've got nothing to do, no day job, and no sober friends to hang out with.


----------



## velvetacidchrist

ahlongsan said:


> howdy mates,
> 
> i have not posted for a while now coz i've been spending all my free time either trying to score some shards or loading them into a pipe
> 
> i used to have a H habit but have been clean for years and then next thing i know( i moved to a new working location) the in thing here is crystals so anyway i tried it once and then once more and then it's like a daily thing now......or rather it's been daily till about 4 days ago...so yeah clean for 4 days now and the cravings if any is not really that bad all i feel is a bit tired, slack, lazy and no motivation.....but it's not as bad as my H w/d ten years before....no shaking or pain in the joints or running nose.
> 
> thing is this have been a fairly common for me to stop for a few days or weeks and then suddenly the craving surfaces..it's like it was never there till it sufaces and i NEED a big hit on the pipe there and then......this have been a never ending cycle which i'm trying to stop.
> 
> my question is does anyone here feels the same?? as in like no cravings at all and then suddenly the CRAVING just kicks in one day and u've got to have it???
> 
> at the moment my life is still intact but i fear that if i do not kick this meth monkey off my back it'll eventually ruin me for sure
> 
> Any advise??? please help
> 
> Cheers,




I just got out of rehab for a 2 year IV heroin addiction, and on my 30 days of clean I "relapsed" on meth, I've been smoking it nearly every other day since New Year's Eve.
I know what signs of addictions are and they are coming QUICK, I had only ever dabbled in meth here and there before rehab. Now I'm back on using a subtance almost daily, but one I don't even like as much as heroin.

I know what I need to do to stop this, and that's change my # and delete all my dealers #'s, but I haven't found the willpower to do that just yet. I hope things don't get bad quickly...


----------



## PLUR2000

panic in paradise said:


> "This is the Speed/Meth/Amphetamines MEGA Thread. This thread will focus on the unique challenges and problems caused by amphetamine dependence. Talk about your struggles with psychosis, battle to get clean and generally get support here!"
> 
> - chicpoena
> 
> JUST TO ADD THE BASIC RULES HERE:
> - no advocating anything in the amphetamine family
> - think of wat u say wen u post.....diffrent ppl here r at diffrent stages of recovery - cud u b triggering a lapse/relapse by something u say
> 
> - if u find ur post isnt here, high chance its been deleted cos u didnt read these rules properly



I find this unfair to my experience. I quit a HEAVY speedball habit with a rehab clinic, a good MD... and 2 drugs (narcotic, but life affirming...). Dexedrine Tabs, and klonipan saved me from the hell of shooting oxy and uppers (ie; cocaine and meth)... Dexedrine is recommended on Pubmed as well. IF You can't self- regulate then maybe wellbutrine might help... everyone is different. Stay strong and don't be afraid 2 seek help.


----------



## Dopamine_Cowboy

Dextroamphetamine (prescribed) keeps my cocaine cravings at bay and lets me concentrate on getting other areas of my life in order. And I don't need to dose daily...just knowing I have the d-amp when needed is a relief. Plus I'm not spending chunks of money on sub-par cocaine.


----------



## Dr. Funkenstien

3 days today. why does it feel so much longer?  i fucking hate meth


----------



## Sweet P

Dopamine_Cowboy said:


> Dextroamphetamine (prescribed) keeps my cocaine cravings at bay and lets me concentrate on getting other areas of my life in order. And I don't need to dose daily...just knowing I have the d-amp when needed is a relief. Plus I'm not spending chunks of money on sub-par cocaine.



That's what I'm hoping to get prescribed when I see a shrink in a few weeks. If I don't get the prescription, I dunno what will happen... I guess I'll continue using meth.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

Hi
 I wanted to check in with you all. I hope everyone is doing well. So far I am doing good staying away from meth but my other addictions are a different story


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

Hmmm I've become complacent and arrogant, and I can predict what's happening to me... 


 

Sadly, I really don't care.


----------



## Sweet P

dizzychainsaw said:


> Hi
> I wanted to check in with you all. I hope everyone is doing well. So far I am doing good staying away from meth but my other addictions are a different story



Glad you're managing to keep away from it.

I wish I had your willpower... I'm still living from hit to hit, and self-medicating with other drugs when I can't score a hit. Life sucks.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

Sweet P said:


> Glad you're managing to keep away from it.
> 
> I wish I had your willpower... I'm still living from hit to hit, and self-medicating with other drugs when I can't score a hit. Life sucks.





The people I was getting it from got busted so I probably couldn't get any even if I wanted to.

I still think about it a lot. I have that nagging voice in my head telling me that it would be ok to do just a lil. My past couple times where I ended up in the hospital really scared me. I still don't think the shit I was getting was made right because no meth has ever made me trip out like that before. I keep telling myself well if I could get some good shit I would be ok. My brain seems like it is trying to rationalize it. I'm still very early in my recovery. I have not even been clean for a month yet. I quit for that month then relapsed and now it has been about three weeks or so since I did any.,

Keep trying Sweet P. We can all beat this!


----------



## ahlongsan

Mates, been 12 days since i last posted and i have not had a single hit  wahooooo that means i'm on 2 weeks clean and the worst have passed( I Hope)....anyway i just pack up my bag and went away into the country to visit my mates and just get back to nature and my mates don't know i'm escaping the city coz of my problem with meth. this is something like 1500kms from the city so it's really laid back and my mates don't do drugs at all so it's all a nice change of routine and ppl i meet everyday which is mostly cows, rivers and waterfalls..nice.....now that i'm back in the city i can feel the battle raging in my heart again....pls pls lord don't let me be blinded again.

love to ya all and hope that somehow someway we'll all be freee of that hideous monkey on our back eventually.


----------



## Pillthrill

Great!
I think leaving the area and the people you associate with meth is important. 
I know that since I quit I don't hang out with anyone that I did meth with. 
It's just important that you have a plan for when you go home.
Are you planning on trying to find new hobbies and new friends?


----------



## Dr. Funkenstien

i normally make it 5 days before I 'break."  this shit is sucking my love dry and my brain juices will wither if i go on.  im too smart for it and too dumb to quit.

thats some really good advice PT. you surprised me with that sage wisdom from a brain as old as yours.  i have a Realtor sending me apartments daily via email. i should be getting out of this users paradise soon.


----------



## 2spun4one

I've ran from meth a few times....it's bwwn a ghost that follows me


----------



## Sweet P

The drug & alcohol service has been fucking me around. My drug counsellor told me at my last appointment that I probably won't be able to get a prescription for dexies after all. This really pisses me off, cos I've been getting my hopes up that I'd found a way to quit meth, and now I'm just told "no". My counsellor gave me the name of a private psychiatrist who would probably prescribe them to me, but I can't afford his fees and there's still no guarantee that he'd prescribe me dexies either. It fucking sucks how opiate addicts can get put on maintenance programs, but meth addicts get jack shit. Meth is a huge problem here in NZ, but the health system isn't doing _anything_ to help struggling addicts.


----------



## ahlongsan

Pillthrill said:


> Great!
> I think leaving the area and the people you associate with meth is important.
> I know that since I quit I don't hang out with anyone that I did meth with.
> It's just important that you have a plan for when you go home.
> Are you planning on trying to find new hobbies and new friends?



I'm planning on taking up a PADI diving lesson( something i always wanted to do but have never got around to it due to ....u know time spent chasing after some shitty monkey......and as for new friends i guess i still have all my old friends from work( not users and no ideal i use at all) and i'm surely gonna make new ones discovering the underwater world right?? more than half a mth clean now so pat on my own back hahaha 

Mates, i have never felt better..really once you realise and feel for yourself how great it is not to worry about your next hit or next score or where to score then life is so much more productive in terms of having more time to do meaningful stuff and catch up with your lost old mates and it's just great mate.

once again may the lord help us all and give us strength to kick the fuckin monkey pls......

SP, if u reckoned dexxies is your only hope and u can't get it would u like me to send u some? i'm not sure if it;s wrong to do this but i have been reading your posts for a long while now and it seems to me that u have all your hope pin on the dexxies( to be honest mate, it never work for me it just drives me up the wall coz it;'s like having a meth hit but only with 30% meth and the rest is shit) anyhow where i'm from i can just get it easily off a pharmacy like otc coz in the land of the smile all the pharmacy cares about is money and FDA regulations means shit when ppl need to make a living right?? i don't know but u can post what u reckoned and i'll get back to you if this is the way u wanna go.

stop for a moment and think are u sure this is the route you want to go?? pinning all your hopes on some shity dexxies


----------



## Sweet P

ahlongsan said:


> SP, if u reckoned dexxies is your only hope and u can't get it would u like me to send u some? i'm not sure if it;s wrong to do this but i have been reading your posts for a long while now and it seems to me that u have all your hope pin on the dexxies( to be honest mate, it never work for me it just drives me up the wall coz it;'s like having a meth hit but only with 30% meth and the rest is shit) anyhow where i'm from i can just get it easily off a pharmacy like otc coz in the land of the smile all the pharmacy cares about is money and FDA regulations means shit when ppl need to make a living right?? i don't know but u can post what u reckoned and i'll get back to you if this is the way u wanna go.
> 
> stop for a moment and think are u sure this is the route you want to go?? pinning all your hopes on some shity dexxies



Nah, sending drugs by mail is never a good idea. But thanks anyway. Maybe you're right... maybe the dexies aren't the magic solution I thought they would be. I just feel like I need some kind of substitute for meth.


----------



## Sweet P

I haven't touched meth since I posted my "goodbye methamphetamine" thread, but I'm craving it badly and I'm getting so depressed and irritable with everyone around me. Been using benzos and opiates as a form of self-medication, which isn't the ideal solution, but at least it's helping a bit.


----------



## n3ophy7e

^^ That's so awesome Sweet P, you're doing really well  
I think you should just focus on staying clean from meth for now, and deal with the opes and benzos later.


----------



## Sweet P

Relapsed. Or maybe "lapsed" is a better word, cos I think this is just a one-off. I wasn't intending to use, but I went into the city streets tonight to sell some legal highs that I won in a promotion and ended up being given a small baggie of shards for some. Feeling a bit disappointed in myself, as I could have turned it down and just asked for cash instead, but I didn't. As soon as the dude said "I've got some crack if you want it?" (meth is often called crack in NZ) I couldn't say no.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

Saying no is the hardest part for me Sweet P so I definitely understand. Keep trying!


----------



## gorgoroth

Comrades, Much love to you all .
 I can tell you personally to NEVER lose sight of that bright light at the end of it.. I am still recovering from amphetamines, I am not actually off of amphetamine, I am perscribed Dextroamphetamine which I take every day, I usually run out a few days early.
For me, the D amph works as an anxiolytic, it works for my ADHD (Which I think contributes to addiction), it destroys stimulant (or depressant) cravings. It's very therapeutic for me.
 I am still clouded to this day, I have a very difficult time expressing myself at all but I recently have opened up again, I have been reading posts in TDS which was always my home on this forum and my heart goes out to each and every one of you.
 Even though I do think I have caused permanent damage, It's a SMALL price to pay compared to what could (logically should?) have happened to me, I am greatful for what I have.
 You'll be surprised how GREAT you feel as time works in way in healing everything, remember not to get discouraged, a lot of late withdrawal symptoms is your mind re-adjusting to the world while not strung out or spun..

_"A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost." _~ Jean Paul Sartre

~ Alexander


----------



## ahlongsan

Sweet P said:


> Relapsed. Or maybe "lapsed" is a better word, cos I think this is just a one-off. I wasn't intending to use, but I went into the city streets tonight to sell some legal highs that I won in a promotion and ended up being given a small baggie of shards for some. Feeling a bit disappointed in myself, as I could have turned it down and just asked for cash instead, but I didn't. As soon as the dude said "I've got some crack if you want it?" (meth is often called crack in NZ) I couldn't say no.



SP, i know what you mean mate, i'm the same, could never say no if i'm in the same room with someone's who's doing it that's why i stay away from everyone i know who is using( to get rid of the temptation, out of sight out of mind). Never give up Sp, u know we're all behind you here in TDS alright??

Hey what;s the deal about legal high and "u won it in a promo"????? hahahah right now i would love to have some legal high esp if i can win it in a promo hahahaha could u teach me how??? PLeaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee??? 

Take care love and if there's anyway or anything i can do to help u( i'm recovering as well remember???) at all just let me know alright?? i can even get my hands on some desoyxn( the big guns in meth) just OTC but again maybe it's a bad ideal coz it'll have to go by post and it's pure meth so......maybe u can think of taking some time away from kiwi land??? away from it all????  i'm in the land of the smile so u know easy relax, diff culture bla bla bla all in all a diff place and mates for u so maybe u wanna think about that?? i mean we can go into details later if u like the ideal.

i'm not a stalker or anything just another bloke with a monkey on his back like u so don't u worry alright?? oh btw i live on on a famous island with beaches everywhere so maybe it'll work for u i don't know. let us know if u intrested and we'll go in to the details later alright?

Cheers and take care my love


----------



## DexysMidnightRuner

yesterday i went to an NA meeting, first in a while, and i had to sit and listen to all these people talk about how they were thankful they were clean. Which led me to realize i'm not thankful. ive been mostly clean for 7 months. ive tweaked twice and take a few addys here and there. it made me realize how much i miss it and want to go back. i havnt gained anything from quitting, if anything its made my parents question what i'm doing with the money they give me in the  back of their minds, my whole family knows i'm an addict and i just see no fucking point in life..let alone sober. whats the fucking point. i'm really thinking about just doing it again. what did i gain from quitting?!


----------



## Sweet P

Been clean (off all illicit drugs - not just meth!) for over a week now, since I got sectioned into the psych hospital. I've got court coming up in a few days which is an incentive for me to stay clean. When I appear before the judge, I want to look like I'm in recovery... not some strung-out tweaker!


----------



## Outofclosetlurker

^ That's great news hun.  I'm so glad to hear it.  Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.


----------



## Sweet P

Thanks, I need all the positive thoughts I can get! 

I'm craving sooo badly right now.


----------



## Vladimir777

I had a lot of problems going to sleep last night because I was just thinking about shooting up meth.  Sometimes I think to myself oh you won't have to suffer from withdrawals, so if you end up using meth it will be better than heroin.  But I realize I'd just inevitably stay up way too long and feel like complete crap, and undoubtedly want some opiates for that comedown.  I always wanted to shoot up meth since I had done coke and heroin and needed to see what that meth rush was like, but I don't know if it was worth the cravings thinking about it....


----------



## jspun

I've been away from this forum for a while. I had a year clean on 9/3/09 and almost 7/24- if you look back you can see my struggles. Alot of people reached out including Alex (aka) Gorgothroth, Sweet P, the girl whose name I spaced but is in an auz jail right now, actually 2 oz girls bith from the melbourne area. point is that this is a supportive board. Anyway I moved 2 a new house and got a job, both hella big stresses. Didn't relapse. But I was so depressed in september that I got on suboxone (to be used as an antidepressant although the doc was Rx it for opiate maintenance), and xanax. The xanax helped with crippling panic attacks that came especially oct, nov, and dec. I have been trying to taper but the dose I use is perfect for me now ( 2 mg tid) sometimes 8 mg/ day depending how stressful, 30 mg temazepam to sleep (can't sleep without it), and my bupe dose went from 4 mg/ day to 24, back down to 8 mg for dec, january, back up to 32 mg lately. The bupe has helped tremendously for depression. 

Found a psychiatrist back in nov because I was convinced i had ADHD. She wouldn't give adderal but gave bupropion and klonopin for sleep ( I mentioned panic attacks). On follow up she took my vitals ( I was moving that day and had my 2 year old daughter with me)- they were 168 sys. She asked what do they normally run- I said 120s. She said what might be causing this- I told her that I was in the process of miving (told her for the third time- that day) and had to take time off for this stupid appointement. Anyway she Rx zoloft which doesn't help me, I've tried SSRI for years, more wellnutrin which I stoped taking and that helped the anxiety- never helped me focus much, and found a doc that i had as a primary years ago and understands certain people need agressive treatment for panic disorder.

Still go to meetings, still consider myself clean, still no meth or any illegal drugs. I wonder if this guy will Rx dexies but getting depreession/panic disorder is my first concern. My cousins kids are on dexedrine extended release and i texted her because i needed energy yesterday but she wouldn'y kick down because there insurance is running out- cobra is $500.00/modecide if I do haventh but they can't afford (I offered to chip in with my wife 100 but she says that b/w her caregiver job and husbands disability they make more than we do.

I'm getting way off track- I'll see this psychiatrist, hopefully he can help with my panic disorder, give me something like halcion for my early morning awakenings, take the time to listen to me- maybe if I do have ADHD and give me adderal, dex , ritaLIN, STRATERA, WHATEVER works, i have trouble multitasking.

This is something for you guys to think about with all the hysteria about meths long term effects. I had a patient 2 weeks ago (Im an RN) who had been smoking meth or snorting it for 23 years. His brain was completely intact. He had some depression- he was homeless but none of the long term tweeker stuff I hear in the media. With a drug that effects your cognition memory and otherwise i know of 2 that I have seen clear anecdotal evidence of- PCP and alcohol. I've seen many alcoholics that show symptoms resembling early alzheimers- people in there 50s 10 years after they stoped 20- 30 year runs. 
For this reason i think that dexedrine maintenance is a good thing, there is actual stuff in the literature that it works, and the swiss we have a heroin Rx scheme have been experimenting with cocaine Rx.

After taking 5 bars and 60 mg temazpam, waking up at 0300 and taking 3 mg more xanax, the dexies would have sure hit the spot- instead slept until 1430. Luckily my daughter was with relatives.

Sorry for the long rambling self serving post, its good to see you guys.


----------



## Sweet P

^ It's good to hear from you! And I'm glad you're keeping away from meth. 

I had an appointment with my GP today, because I'm going through severe PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) after being clean off meth for over two weeks. I've been suffering from anhedonia, cravings, poor memory, bad concentration, social isolation, and all those nasties. He gave me a prescription for Zyban (Wellbutrin) as an experiment to see if it helps to ease my symptoms. Zyban's a norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibiter, and I'm hoping it will have some positive effects since those are the two main receptors which meth works on.


----------



## Sweet P

I feel a bit ashamed to admit this, but I've lapsed again this evening. Emptied out my bank account and bought a bag of meth. The PAWS were becoming too much for me to cope with. But I've decided that my slip-up will only be for tonight... if there's any drugs left in the bag tomorrow, I'll try to flush it or something. I'll be starting my first dose of Zyban/Wellbutrin in the morning anyway, and from what I've read, it's not wise to use amphetamines while taking that medication.


----------



## Vladimir777

Sweet P said:


> I feel a bit ashamed to admit this, but I've lapsed again this evening. Emptied out my bank account and bought a bag of meth. The PAWS were becoming too much for me to cope with. But I've decided that my slip-up will only be for tonight... if there's any drugs left in the bag tomorrow, I'll try to flush it or something. I'll be starting my first dose of Zyban/Wellbutrin in the morning anyway, and from what I've read, it's not wise to use amphetamines while taking that medication.



Sorry to hear, Sweet P, but I've relapsed so many times on H I can't even count 'em.  I feel like I beat myself up about it so much when I shouldn't.  As long as your heart is in quitting, you will quit.  I've got to not get myself down over every little slip-up (without using this excuse to justify future relapses).  Hopefully the new medication you're starting can help some.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Well put. Yes, quitting meth is definitely in my heart. I've reached my expiry date with that drug, and I need to stop using it. It'll be interesting to see if the new medication helps... I imagine I may need to take it for a week or more before I actually notice the effects.


----------



## dr_improper

I think the word that best sums up tweak to me is..fraud. Everything about it is so superficial and fake. From the "deep" conversations you have under the influence, to your warped personality it creates/ that feeling you have of being a social butterfly..none of it has any substance, its so shallow. I really dislike it all..


----------



## Sweet P

I'm nearly a week clean after another small lapse. But since then my doc has prescribed me bupropion (Zyban/Wellbutrin), and I gotta say, it's helping a lot with the PAWS I've been struggling to deal with. I'm still feeling pretty anhedonic, tired and unmotivated, but my cravings have reduced significantly. I'd strongly recommend bupriopion to any meth addict going through the same shit. It's not a total solution, but it helps.


----------



## footscrazy

^ That's good to hear. I did suggest it to my doc but she was of the opinion that it was best to try and let my brain take a break off _any_ chemicals, especially since I'm not even depressed. But the PAWS just kill me, even after quitting for 4 months (the longest I've gone) I didn't feel a significant improvement in them. Anhedonia, unmotivated, tired _all_ the time. Maybe I could give wellbutrin a try, even though I do hate anti depressants.
Keep us updated Sweet P


----------



## Sweet P

^ I understand your doctor's opinion, but you could try explaining that the bupropion actually isn't introducing more chemicals into your brain... it's just inhibiting the reuptake of chemicals which your brain is probably seriously lacking, due to the meth abuse.


----------



## vertigo8

> Originally Posted by ahlongsan
> I'm planning on taking up a PADI diving lesson( something i always wanted to do but have never got around to it due to ....u know time spent chasing after some shitty monkey......and as for new friends i guess i still have all my old friends from work( not users and no ideal i use at all) and i'm surely gonna make new ones discovering the underwater world right??



Dude, once you are underwater a whole new world, dare i say, almost alienlike opens up to you. You will be fascinated by the many assorted types of marine life and corals and SCUBA is definitely the ultimate high in the world, better than any drug when you find yourself connecting with the underwater lifeforms. I hope you have a blast during your diving adventures. I know i did


----------



## n3ophy7e

footscrazy, from what I've read (and you've probably gathered the same thing), Wellbutrin is one of the least intrusive anti-depressants and can be of massive help with PAWS, as Sweet P is already finding, even after being on the wellbutrin for only a short period of time. Sounds like it is _definitely_ worth discussing it with your doctor again


----------



## dizzychainsaw

Hi everyone- 


   I relapsed last night and have yet to go to sleep. All it took was a moment of weakness to put me right back at square one. I thought that I could just do a little and have everything be 'normal' but of course that's not the case. 

   I don't understand why I did the shit when I have been clean for a while now. Honestly, I was frustrated with other deals falling through so I said screw it I'll take whatever I can get.Definitely not the smartest idea.

   I'm in the doghouse right now. I have to sleep on the couch. My boyfriend, who is totally against meth, confronted me about being fucked up when he got home. At first I tried to deny it but I ended up telling the truth because there's no way of hiding that I'm high

   Honestly, I don't miss it.So why do I continue to do it????? That is the million dollar question. It makes my back hurt and I have a headache from being on the computer for literally a whole day. I missed work because I hate driving and going to work like this. I hate the paranoia and feeling aggravated and bored and wanting to go to sleep but not being able to.

   I have worked fairly hard to get my life straight and be a good person but it seems like I am destined to be a screw up. I don't want to lose everything I've worked for over a drug. It's just not worth it. I need to retrain my brain because currently it will make any excuse it needs to to get fucked up.
Just when I thought I was done with it, here I am again guilty and lonely. I should be in bed with my man not on the couch alone all tweaked out.
   Any advice? Comments? Suggestions?


----------



## Sweet P

^ Have you ever seen a drug counsellor? Mine has been really helpful. Without her help and support, I doubt I would have been able to quit my daily meth habit. It's very hard to do alone. Try finding some support if you can.

BTW, I'm totally with you on hating to drive while high. I keep thinking every car behind me is a cop.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

I started going to a substance abuse clinic but I didn't feel like it was necessary for me to do everything they wanted me to do. There was meetings three times a week and they last for two hours. On top of that you are supposed to attend NA several times a week and take random drug screens. I was worried about pissing dirty and it getting back to my probation officer. I don't feel like I can get real help without being able to be completely honest in the program. If my probation officer were monitoring me, I would be too paranoid to be honest in fear that if I screwed up my probation would be revoked and I would end up in jail.


----------



## Sweet P

dizzychainsaw said:


> I started going to a substance abuse clinic but I didn't feel like it was necessary for me to do everything they wanted me to do. There was meetings three times a week and they last for two hours. On top of that you are supposed to attend NA several times a week and take random drug screens. I was worried about pissing dirty and it getting back to my probation officer. I don't feel like I can get real help without being able to be completely honest in the program. If my probation officer were monitoring me, I would be too paranoid to be honest in fear that if I screwed up my probation would be revoked and I would end up in jail.



Whoa, that sounds harsh. I have two half-hour meetings with my counsellor each week, and being a public health service, there's no way they could force me to attend a religious/spiritual organisation (like NA). Unfortunately I'll probably have to start having regular drug screens as part of my court sentence... I'm feeling rather paranoid about that too.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

My knees look purple and bruised. I guess I have vasoconstriction. I still can't sleep. This sucks. I just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling normal. I should have never messed with the stuff!


----------



## Jabberwocky

thought i would check in.

just about (a few weeks off) 3 months clean from IV meth  i've had the urge to do some mdma lately but given the circumstances on australian pills at the moment i've opted to buy a gram of mephedrone to feed my cactii 

i haven't picked up a needle in just over 3 weeks now but i'll be IVing some of the meph to see how it compares to low dose IV mdma/mda and meth.

my birthday is the 31st of this month so i may choose to use some meth if i haven't any meph left over.  i'll see how it goes and how my morphine stockpile is.  no real desire to use meth but i like to keep my options open.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

leftwing said:


> thought i would check in.
> 
> just about (a few weeks off) 3 months clean from IV meth  i've had the urge to do some mdma lately but given the circumstances on australian pills at the moment i've opted to buy a gram of mephedrone to feed my cactii
> 
> i haven't picked up a needle in just over 3 weeks now but i'll be IVing some of the meph to see how it compares to low dose IV mdma/mda and meth.
> 
> my birthday is the 31st of this month so i may choose to use some meth if i haven't any meph left over.  i'll see how it goes and how my morphine stockpile is.  no real desire to use meth but i like to keep my options open.



I   s meph similar to meth? I don't know much about it but I read that it can cause the  purple knees similar to what was going on with me yesterday on meth. Meph is a stimulant, right?
    I feel ya saying you have no desire to do meth. I don't either until I get the phone call. Then I tell myself why not instead of no. I don't think I ever learned to tell myself no. Once I start doing it I can't just do a little and conserve it. I have to do it until it's all gone. 
 I finally got some sleep. I slept for seven hours and I've eaten and drank a lot of water. My heatbeat and blood pressure seem to be going back to normal. My circulation is still a little screwy and I still look a little bug eyed. I feel kinda weird, like I still have a slight buzz. I can't believe a quarter of a gram kept me up for three days. That is insane and that's not what I intended on happening. 
   My boyfriend is still pissed off and is rubbing my relapse in my face. I tried to explain to him that he could be more supportive. I slept in the spare bedroom. He used to be addicted to crack so he should be more understanding of where I'm coming from. I guess I need to start going to the substance abuse clinic again even though I don't want to.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

Sweet P said:


> ^ Have you ever seen a drug counsellor? Mine has been really helpful. Without her help and support, I doubt I would have been able to quit my daily meth habit. It's very hard to do alone. Try finding some support if you can.
> 
> BTW, I'm totally with you on hating to drive while high. I keep thinking every car behind me is a cop.



   I just can't seem to say no when the opportunity arises even though I know I need to leave it alone. When I get the call, I don't think about the negative.


----------



## Sweet P

leftwing said:


> thought i would check in.
> 
> just about (a few weeks off) 3 months clean from IV meth  i've had the urge to do some mdma lately but given the circumstances on australian pills at the moment i've opted to buy a gram of mephedrone to feed my cactii
> 
> i haven't picked up a needle in just over 3 weeks now but i'll be IVing some of the meph to see how it compares to low dose IV mdma/mda and meth.
> 
> my birthday is the 31st of this month so i may choose to use some meth if i haven't any meph left over.  i'll see how it goes and how my morphine stockpile is.  no real desire to use meth but i like to keep my options open.



Wow, 3 months clean from IV meth is great! 

My suggestion (take it or leave it) is that you don't use your birthday as a reason to do another hit of meth. You never know, it could be enough to start that downward spiral again. In my opinion, it just isn't worth the risk. But it's up to you.



dizzychainsaw said:


> I   s meph similar to meth? I don't know much about it but I read that it can cause the  purple knees similar to what was going on with me yesterday on meth. Meph is a stimulant, right?



Meph is mephedrone... a stimulant which I believe is a legal in many countries. Unfortunately it's now illegal in NZ, cos it's an analogue of methcathinone. But it's only been given a Class C classification - on par with cannabis.



dizzychainsaw said:


> I just can't seem to say no when the opportunity arises even though I know I need to leave it alone. When I get the call, I don't think about the negative.



I know, I tend to be the same. It's hard, but keep trying. You'll beat it one day.


----------



## Jabberwocky

dizzychainsaw said:


> Is meph similar to meth? I don't know much about it but I read that it can cause the  purple knees similar to what was going on with me yesterday on meth. Meph is a stimulant, right?



yeah mephedrone is a stimulant.  it gets compared to mdma and cocaine a fair bit.





Sweet P said:


> Wow, 3 months clean from IV meth is great!
> 
> My suggestion (take it or leave it) is that you don't use your birthday as a reason to do another hit of meth. You never know, it could be enough to start that downward spiral again. In my opinion, it just isn't worth the risk. But it's up to you.



_(Removed some stuff that is potentially triggering. Please be aware of others who are viewing this thread as a place for support and advice on recovery. Its purpose is just that, not to discuss drug use in a "fun" way. ) _

i feel as though i'm in control enough where i could just have the one shot of meth and that be it it; i'm too tied up with opiates at the moment  they're hedonistic enough in their ways for me to not need add an upper, meth or meph, into the mix.


----------



## Sweet P

^ It's cool that you've reached the stage where you have enough control to just have one hit. I'd love to be able to do that. I've also been dabbling in opiates since deciding to quit meth (mainly oxies and heroin)... but I can't use them too often due to availability and price, which I suppose is a good thing. I already have a benzo and meth addiction, and I definitely don't need an opiate addiction on top of that!


----------



## Sweet P

I hate this... it feels like I'll never be naturally happy or able to enjoy anything again. Maybe I should just give up and go back to using meth. I had more of a life as a meth addict than I do as a recovering addict. Ever since I quit I've had no friends, no energy, no motivation, and no life.


----------



## lestahb

I felt exactly like you when I first quit.  Patience is difficult but so worth it.  The weird meth life is consumed by obsessions, but it is an empty shell of a life that will crumble into nothing.  have patience with this one and you should be able to build your life again.


----------



## Jabberwocky

^having a rough day dude?  (to sweet pea)

you're still only in the beginning stages, don't give up yourself yet.  your body and mind will still be detoxing itself and only in the initial stages of readjusting to not being fuelled by meth.  when i was using heavily it took me a good 2 months in the least until i started feeling gratitude toward what i was doing and had accomplished.  every day is an accomplishment.

what are you doing to fill the time?

mods - sorry for the "glorifying" comments.  i checked my edit and really didn't think it was glorifying aything (especially not meth).  i mentioned using but so have a lot of people in here


----------



## Sweet P

leftwing said:


> ^having a rough day dude?  (to sweet pea)
> 
> you're still only in the beginning stages, don't give up yourself yet.  your body and mind will still be detoxing itself and only in the initial stages of readjusting to not being fuelled by meth.  when i was using heavily it took me a good 2 months in the least until i started feeling gratitude toward what i was doing and had accomplished.  every day is an accomplishment.
> 
> what are you doing to fill the time?



Every day is the same, but today it's just really getting to me. Even 2 months feels like an eternity. I don't think I can continue feeling like this for that long. I'm not doing much to fill in my time... just surfing the net, smoking ciggies, listening to music, and resting. That's all. I don't even have the energy to go for a walk.


----------



## Vladimir777

Sweet P said:


> Every day is the same, but today it's just really getting to me. Even 2 months feels like an eternity. I don't think I can continue feeling like this for that long. I'm not doing much to fill in my time... just surfing the net, smoking ciggies, listening to music, and resting. That's all. I don't even have the energy to go for a walk.



I have a question about meth PAWS.  I know after you get off it, you have utterly no energy like you're describing.  Is this more physical or is it mental in the sense that you just have no motivation or drive.  I know after heroin detox, I have no energy for a while, but I feel with opiates it's definitely a mental thing instead of a physical one.  I _can_ go outside or do other stuff, it's just I have no desire to and no interest.  I'm curious if meth is the same way.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Probably more mental than physical. It's difficult to tell though, because the meth abuse has given me anorexia (severe weight loss and muscle deterioration - not anorexia nervosa, the eating disorder), which makes me fatigued and unable to do a lot of physical activities.


----------



## Vladimir777

Yeah, good point, I forgot how much it wastes away the body.  Definitely does a lot more than opiates.


----------



## Sweet P

The two main things stopping me relapsing has been a lack of money and a lack of interest in sex (those are how I used to score meth). Trouble is, tomorrow I'll be getting $400 that somebody owes me, and the thought of having cash to spend has been playing on my mind. If scored a bag with that money and rationed how much I used, I could have a whole week feeling normal again! No apathy, anhedonia, or any of that crap. But I dunno... my rational mind is telling me to use the money on better things. To reduce credit card debts, etc. And scoring again could lead to that downward spiral which I'm sure we're all familiar with. But I honestly don't know what to do... the thought of escaping this constant feeling of emptiness, even just for a few days or a week, is quite appealing.


----------



## dr_improper

i think the biggest thing that causes me to relapse is being around certain people, it just stops me from taking a step back and thinking about the consequences its like i go into auto pilot.  trying really hard to stay away


----------



## Sweet P

^ Yeah, leaving the "scene" is one of the most difficult parts of getting clean.

I'm still struggling with that myself. I've built some good friendships/associations over the years that I've been using meth, and it'll be kinda sad to part ways. I'll have to somehow make new friends cos I don't have any who aren't into drugs.


----------



## Pillthrill

I've been craving it hardcore for a few days now. All I can do is try to supplement with other stimulant like drugs. I know I don't want to go back to that. I know it could mean the end of my relationship. I cut off all contact with anyone that does it so even if I want it...I can't get it. It makes my stomach turn and makes my heart race just thinking about it. I can almost just taste it, now that is something I won't miss...ick

Stay strong guys. That stuff is tough shit....


----------



## footscrazy

Sweet P said:


> ^ Yeah, leaving the "scene" is one of the most difficult parts of getting clean.
> 
> I'm still struggling with that myself. I've built some good friendships/associations over the years that I've been using meth, and it'll be kinda sad to part ways. I'll have to somehow make new friends cos I don't have any who aren't into drugs.



You're def right, just getting away from it is so hard. I just like that scene, I feel more comfortable with those people than with anyone else. I have non using friends but I always feel like I'm faking happiness around them; I just don't like hanging around them as much, or have as much 'fun'...I suppose this will change in time but it's so hard to just keep choosing the option that makes me feel worse, when it'd be so much easier and make me feel so much better (in the short term) just to hang around the using people.


----------



## Sweet P

Pillthrill said:


> I cut off all contact with anyone that does it so even if I want it...I can't get it.



Good move. I've been told that I should do the same thing... delete my drug contacts from my phone, or even get a new number. But I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.


----------



## dr_improper

im trying to get through the forcing myself to do it stage onto being really ok with sobriety, but i dont know if thats even possible

i feel like my personality is so drab now, wont be winning any flair awards anytime soon i guess


----------



## Sweet P

Hi all... unfortunately I'm going back to using. The health system is refusing to put me on safe pharmaceutical amphetamines, so I'm forced to going back to scoring from dealers and gangs. Hopefully my shrink might change her mind one day, when she realises how quickly I'm falling downhill, but until then I'll be using like I used to. It's the only way I can live as a normal human being.


----------



## InvisibleEye

So sorry to hear that, Sweet P...


----------



## Sweet P

^ I wrote a bit more about my decision in my blog. It basically comes down to the fact that without methamphetamine I can't have a life. The doctors I've seen know how much I'm suffering, but since I don't have fucking ADHD they say they can't prescribe me dexies. Hell, maybe I should research ADHD so I know the symptoms, ask a shrink to test me for it and fake having it.


----------



## lestahb

Don't give up Sweet P, 
Look how far you have come.  I loathe that mental health professionals will give out methadone in an instant, but harm reduction for other drugs is unthinkable, but it may take time.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm amazed at your strength and I hope you find peace, and a way to wrench yourself from the clutches of meth.  It grasps ahold of you, and makes you feel as if life without it is impossible.  But the PAWS will improve, I promise you.  And your brain and body do heal, and you will feel again, without the drugs.  
Do what you can, with the tools that you have.  And that is all you can ask of yourself.


----------



## motiv311

Sweet P, the doctors where I am from seem to basically give you amphetamines if you were to only ask.....

  My opinion is, and this is an opinion... that it would be better to mislead a doctor into rx'ing d-amp than to abuse street meth.


----------



## Sweet P

^ The doctors seem to be a lot stricter here in NZ. At least, the doctors I've seen were. I've asked for d-amp time and time again, and they keep refusing to prescribe it, even when I've told them that it's a much safer option than continuing to use meth. Last week I actually asked my drug nurse _why_ the local drug & alcohol service won't prescribe them to me, and she said there were a number of reasons. I asked her what those reasons were, and she said the doctors were worried that it could worsen my addiction, and even that I might sell it on the streets to continue funding my meth habit. WTF? Seriously, they're a pack of dumb fucks.


----------



## motiv311

a doctor (who is smart) will not RX highly abusable prescriptions to a drug-addict. Its not really you personally, its just his career he's worried about.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Exactly - they're trying to cover their own asses at my expense. I'm so tempted to leave the drug & alcohol service... the counselling isn't doing shit for me. I need medication, but they won't give it to me. So fuck 'em. Hopefully the court won't make me keep attending when I get sentenced in May.


----------



## motiv311

just curious ... how much d-amp's would you do on an average day were you to get the rx? LIke mg's ?


----------



## BambooFoo

nice.


----------



## Sweet P

motiv311 said:


> just curious ... how much d-amp's would you do on an average day were you to get the rx? LIke mg's ?



No idea... depends how much the doc prescribes me. If I did get the prescription it would probably be closely controlled so I couldn't abuse it, so I don't know what they're worried about. I mean, I'd probably have to dose each day at the pharmacy or something.


----------



## motiv311

wow ^^ that definitely would not fly in my country. . 

'
      adderall and such are not drugs you get dosed daily like methodone clinics lol


----------



## Sweet P

^ Not usually, but they probably would be if they were being prescribed to an addict for off-label reasons.


----------



## Captain.Heroin

Sweet P said:


> Hi all... unfortunately I'm going back to using. The health system is refusing to put me on safe pharmaceutical amphetamines, so I'm forced to going back to scoring from dealers and gangs. Hopefully my shrink might change her mind one day, when she realises how quickly I'm falling downhill, but until then I'll be using like I used to. It's the only way I can live as a normal human being.



Sweet P

I don't blame you for relapsing, it's despicable they offer you nothing to help you with the PAWS.  Methadone and Suboxone/Subutex are great options for opiate addicts, and Adderall, Dexedrine, Ritalin/Focalin are great options for crack/cocaine and meth addicts.  I am really appalled they won't help you out at all, but it's a rare thing to happen in the US as well, though I am sure if you found the right person in the US you could probably make it happen.  

PM me some time if you want to talk.


----------



## LSDMDMA&AMP

shit..here she could maybe get fucking desoxyn lulz, but yeah, i have a dex prescription, they hand rx speed out like hotcakes. Lots of kids last year at mah schools  got busted selling adderalls.


----------



## footscrazy

motiv311 said:


> wow ^^ that definitely would not fly in my country. .
> 
> '
> adderall and such are not drugs you get dosed daily like methodone clinics lol



That seems to be the overwhelming response to the suggestion of prescription amphetamines for meth addicts and such - immediately brushed off without much thought but think about it - why would it be a bad idea? There's been research to suggest meth addicts supplemented with d-amp have a lower rate of relapse than those given anti psychotics or nothing.

And you can get daily doses of anything really, I've been on daily pick up doses of benzos and naltrexone before just because the routine of going to the drug clinic every morning was good for me - daily picks ups aren't a hard thing to organise.

Anyway, Sweet P - have you thought about asking for modafinil..? You might have more luck as it's not seen as so abusable. I don't have any experience with it but I've heard some people find it effective. I was part of the clinical trial for it's use in meth addiction but I'm 99.9% sure I got the placebo as that was the worst withdrawal I've ever gone through.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Haven't heard of modafinil... I'll look into it and perhaps suggest it to my drug counsellor sometime. But I'm not getting my hopes up. Daily pick-up doses wouldn't be a problem for me if it meant getting the medication I need. I'm currently on a weekly pick-up for my clonazepam and diazepam, to prevent me abusing them.


----------



## motiv311

^modafinal won't do jack for her


----------



## Jabberwocky

^umm why not?  it's been proven to be successful in some trials worldwide.

the mode of action is similar to amphetamines in respects, yet the abuse potential is quite minimal.  here's a few small excerpts from the wiki.



			
				wiki said:
			
		

> Modafinil, like other stimulants, increases the release of monoamines, specifically the catecholamines norepinephrine and dopamine, from the synaptic terminals. However, modafinil also elevates hypothalamic histamine levels, leading some researchers to consider Modafinil a "wakefulness promoting agent" rather than a classic amphetamine-like stimulant (as evidenced by the difference in c-Fos distribution caused by modafinil as compared to amphetamine). Despite modafinil's histaminergic action, it still partially shares the actions of amphetamine-class stimulants due to its effects on norepinephrine and dopamine.
> 
> An NIAAA study highlighted "the need for heightened awareness for potential abuse of and dependence on modafinil in vulnerable populations" due to the drug's effect on dopamine in the brain's reward center. However, the synergistic actions of modafinil on both catecholaminergic and histaminergic pathways lowers abuse potential as compared to traditional stimulant drugs while maintaining the effectiveness of the drug as a wakefulness promoting agent. Studies have suggested that modafinil "has limited potential for large-scale abuse" and "does not possess an addictive potential in naive [new] individuals."
> 
> Other potentially effective, but similarly unapproved targets include the treatment of depression, cocaine dependence, Parkinson's disease, schizophrenia, and disease-related fatigue.
> 
> OFF LABEL USE
> 
> ADHD
> As of February 2007, there are at least seven English-language articles on randomized clinical trials in humans in the Medline database addressing the use of modafinil for the treatment of attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)[citation needed]. Some studies have shown the use of modafinil in the treatment of ADHD is associated with significant improvements in primary outcome measures.[citation needed] Cognitive function in ADHD patients was also found to improve following modafinil treatment, in some studies.[citation needed] Studies for ADHD report insomnia and headache were the most common adverse effects, seen in approximately 20% of treated individuals.[citation needed] These studies were not adequate to demonstrate that the beneficial effects of modafinil are maintained with chronic administration. Additional large, long-term studies using flexible titration methods to establish safety and efficacy and head-to-head comparisons between modafinil and stimulants are needed to determine the role of modafinil in the treatment of ADHD.



it's definitely got it's place for amphetamine replacement therapy in my opinion.


i'm still clean and have decided not to use on my birthday next week


----------



## Sweet P

^ Glad to hear you're still clean and aren't gonna use on your birthday. I think that's the safest choice. 

I've got an appointment with a shrink from the drug & alcohol this Friday to review my medication, so I might print out some info about Modafinil to show her. I'm still gonna try to persuade her to prescribe the d-amps though - I don't give up easily!


----------



## Optimus.Grime

What do you do when the drug has affected you beyond the levels of withdrawal, physical deterioration and mental stability?

What I mean by that is: How do deal with the MOTIVATION aspect of it?

I have been doing crystal for 8 years with a use pattern that fluctuates constantly. Doing it every day for 3 years straight seemed to be easier to overcome comparing it to the way I currently use, and how I used BEFORE and AFTER those 3 years.  Dealing with those eye tremors and body shakes after only 8 hours of not doing any were the worst, but NOTHING compared to the overall general feeling I experience now.  I have absolutely no motivation to do ANYTHING other than getting wacked and eating when I have to. 

The only good thing in my life (my girl) that matters more than anything me, I destroy along with everything else going for me due to not wanting to do anything AT ALL, except get high.  The motivational factors that I used in the past to get ahead in life, I cannot seem to do the same anymore.  I seem to do everything opposite of the way I feel about my girl and career and its come to the point where i'm just SAYING shit and doing fuck all to reinforce those words.  I dont understand how this happened, Ive been a heavy user and poly-substance addict for 11 years and the times where my addictions SHOULD have been at their worst dont even compare to how bad things got as I cut down on my use. All the good things that I love, want and NEED, have completely lost the encouragement values they once had and subside my emotions. The only reason I still have a place to live, food to eat and money to spend, is because I have a father that puts up with a lot of shit.  

What the fuck are you suppose to do when the most basic, obvious and EASY things become irrelevant and not even worth doing?  I guess you can say, I literally dont want to and WILL NOT do anything when sober, and ONLY getting high can spring the motivation to do these things. This addiction would be a lot easier to kick IF I  was able to actually WANT to do something and then actually doing it.  

I hope this all made sense.  I'm sorry if I posted this in the wrong place or if I broke any of the thread rules, This is my first real post on this site so im still familiarizing myself with everything.  Please, If anyone has any advice lemme hear it because I cant live like this anymore nor do I want to.  

Be strong and stay safe.
Dexter.


----------



## Sweet P

Optimus.Grime said:


> What the fuck are you suppose to do when the most basic, obvious and EASY things become irrelevant and not even worth doing?  I guess you can say, I literally dont want to and WILL NOT do anything when sober, and ONLY getting high can spring the motivation to do these things. This addiction would be a lot easier to kick IF I  was able to actually WANT to do something and then actually doing it.



I feel exactly the same, and unfortunately I don't have any solutions. They say the motivation often slowly returns after being clean for a few months, but I dunno. I'm currently living with my parents due to money problems, and they can always tell when I'm on meth cos the house is tidy and I've had a shower and taken care of my appearance. They can just as easily tell when I'm _not_ on meth, cos I just lie around doing nothing. It fucking sucks, cos I don't wanna be a sponge and a lay-about, but when I'm not using the pipe I just can't function.


----------



## 8ft-Sativa

Sweet P said:


> ^ The doctors seem to be a lot stricter here in NZ. At least, the doctors I've seen were. I've asked for d-amp time and time again, and they keep refusing to prescribe it, even when I've told them that it's a much safer option than continuing to use meth. Last week I actually asked my drug nurse _why_ the local drug & alcohol service won't prescribe them to me, and she said there were a number of reasons. I asked her what those reasons were, and she said the doctors were worried that it could worsen my addiction, and even that I might sell it on the streets to continue funding my meth habit. WTF? Seriously, they're a pack of dumb fucks.



Bro NZ doctors are strict as fuck! that's why it's very rare to find pharmies on the black market here even  the only pharmie I have seen was Ritalin and that was only twice in my life.

You have to dive through flamming hoops just to get a small benzo script.

I know you were hoping to get a Amp script earlier this year and I was really hoping that would pull through for you. They are fucked!


----------



## Sweet P

^ I think it depends on the doc. My GP happily prescribes me benzos, knowing I'm an addict - although he's put me on a weekly dispense program so I can't abuse them. But CADS (the Community Alcohol & Drug Service) are assholes. Their therapy ain't working, and they're refusing to prescribe me the d-amps which I need, even though they've done it in the past for other meth addicts.

BTW, I'm a sis, not a bro.


----------



## 8ft-Sativa

Fair enuff ow.


----------



## hyroller

Sweet P;8254814Their therapy ain't working said:
			
		

> Wow, if only Australian docs saw the logic in this kind of treatment - for those who are serious about stopping their use (but find this near impossible to achieve when your energy levels are thus reduced to a point *beyond negligible *for weeks at a time).....
> 
> there needs to be a way to ween oneself off this shit without adjourning all your life commitments due to constant, unmitigated fatigue


----------



## Sweet P

^ Agreed. And it doesn't make life easy when that constant, unmitigated fatigue can last for months on end.


----------



## hyroller

.....or especially when it does...


----------



## Sweet P

How's everyone doing?

This probably sounds stupid, but I'm feeling pretty shit at the moment cos I can't score any more meth until Wednesday. That's 2 days away. So today I've been filling the void with alcohol and benzos... god knows how I'm gonna get through tomorrow. I wish I could sleep through comedowns, but thanks to my insomnia that's impossible without the use of other drugs.


----------



## deadhead507461

Sweet P said:


> How's everyone doing?
> 
> This probably sounds stupid, but I'm feeling pretty shit at the moment cos I can't score any more meth until Wednesday. That's 2 days away. So today I've been filling the void with alcohol and benzos... god knows how I'm gonna get through tomorrow. I wish I could sleep through comedowns, but thanks to my insomnia that's impossible without the use of other drugs.



I hear ya. I am stuck with none now. I keep crawling around on my floor with a flashlight, snorting any little thing that looks like glass. This sucks. I was thinking about stepping down to speed, just because its cheaper.. more for my money i guess.. does that sound like a good idea?

Those Seroquel did help me with the comedown last night tho on day 3 (50mg). I will keep taking them, I only have 8 left so I hope their isnt negative effects when you stop taking them suddenly...8)


----------



## Sweet P

^ Yeah I've been doing the carpet surfing thing too. It sucks, doesn't it? 

Don't worry, there won't be any negative effects if you stop Seroquel suddenly.


----------



## hyroller

I think I'm actually finally beginning to get past my pathological desire to smoke/shoot ice.

This being largely due to the fact that pseudo-based ice is nearly impossible to come across anymore 

I have (decent quality) meth sitting at home but I don't want it, in fact, I'll be happy to get rid of it (lol). I realise that the fact that it's sitting there and I don't wish to touch it makes me fucked in the head, cause whenever I don't have it around, I'm wracking my brains thinking of the best way to get hold of some (by the weekend).

So, there's that. I also promised myself that last week would be the last time I buy it for the rest of the year. I'm just getting sick of sneaking around my dad & would prefer to focus on paying my moutains of bills (largely incurred to said 3-year meth habit)


----------



## mav3rick

Hey all, haven't posted in a while (thought I had things under control) but I'm back. Hope everyone is doing well!

Wow, how things can change. Had a good job and lost it. Got put off because the company was downsizing due to the economy, so that's put a lot of pressure on me, both mentally and financially! Now that I really have nothing to do each day, all that enters my mind is getting high. There used to be a few other things to occupy my brain with, but not anymore. I'm finding myself thinking of doing crazy things just to score. Robbing people, committing crimes, getting loans out with no way of repaying them. It's all stupid shit, I know that, I really do. But it's doing my head in!

My laptop is busted too, great timing huh. Not having a reliable pc is super frustrating, I know most would be like 'pfft, thats nothing to complain about' but for me, it really is.. I don't have the $ to get it fixed either.. I was saying to another BLer the other day, how weird it is that we've got no issue with spending X amount on drugs, yet when it comes to something normal to spend money on, we complain and scrooge around..

No money + no job + no laptop = makes Mav a sad panda 

Just wanna give a shout out to hyroller and sweetp! When I first started posting here they were super nice 

Much love all, Mav


----------



## Sweet P

hyroller said:


> I think I'm actually finally beginning to get past my pathological desire to smoke/shoot ice.
> 
> This being largely due to the fact that pseudo-based ice is nearly impossible to come across anymore
> 
> I have (decent quality) meth sitting at home but I don't want it, in fact, I'll be happy to get rid of it (lol). I realise that the fact that it's sitting there and I don't wish to touch it makes me fucked in the head, cause whenever I don't have it around, I'm wracking my brains thinking of the best way to get hold of some (by the weekend).
> 
> So, there's that. I also promised myself that last week would be the last time I buy it for the rest of the year. I'm just getting sick of sneaking around my dad & would prefer to focus on paying my moutains of bills (largely incurred to said 3-year meth habit)



I've also racked up a huge amount of bills (also incurred during my meth habit), which I'm finally realising I need to pay off. My parents have bailed me out of debt more times than I can count, so I'll probably be owing them money for the rest of my life. Oh well. BTW, it's a good sign that you're able to sit on a bag of good meth and even consider getting rid of it! Props to you. 



mav3rick said:


> Hey all, haven't posted in a while (thought I had things under control) but I'm back. Hope everyone is doing well!
> 
> Wow, how things can change. Had a good job and lost it. Got put off because the company was downsizing due to the economy, so that's put a lot of pressure on me, both mentally and financially! Now that I really have nothing to do each day, all that enters my mind is getting high. There used to be a few other things to occupy my brain with, but not anymore. I'm finding myself thinking of doing crazy things just to score. Robbing people, committing crimes, getting loans out with no way of repaying them. It's all stupid shit, I know that, I really do. But it's doing my head in!
> 
> My laptop is busted too, great timing huh. Not having a reliable pc is super frustrating, I know most would be like 'pfft, thats nothing to complain about' but for me, it really is.. I don't have the $ to get it fixed either.. I was saying to another BLer the other day, how weird it is that we've got no issue with spending X amount on drugs, yet when it comes to something normal to spend money on, we complain and scrooge around..
> 
> No money + no job + no laptop = makes Mav a sad panda
> 
> Just wanna give a shout out to hyroller and sweetp! When I first started posting here they were super nice
> 
> Much love all, Mav



Shit, sorry to hear about all that Mav! I'm also unemployed, and the thought of getting high on P (or at least some kind of drug) is constantly playing on my mind. I think the trick is to distract yourself and find other ways to keep busy, but I know that's easier said than done! Hang in there, and don't do anything crazy just to score, missy!


----------



## Sweet P

Forgot to mention, I'm seeing my case manager from the drug service tomorrow (I was gonna see him earlier this week, but I was too drunk to go), and we're going to discuss medication again. I'm fucking hoping he's changed his mind and will prescribe me some dexies. Wish me luck, people!


----------



## Kallisti

Sweet P said:


> Forgot to mention, I'm seeing my case manager from the drug service tomorrow (I was gonna see him earlier this week, but I was too drunk to go), and we're going to discuss medication again. I'm fucking hoping he's changed his mind and will prescribe me some dexies. Wish me luck, people!



Good luck Sweet P! I hope everything goes well. You deserve to have something good happen after struggling with everything the universe has thrown at ya lately. Let us know what happens


----------



## 2spun4one

they aren't???  Sounds like you have never been prescribed adderral then because if you had been you would know that it's a medication you take daily just like any other....  I've never had a prescription for it myself  either but know many that have... I wish I could get put on it cuz it is a perfect meth substitute...and it's easier to regulate. I get real good crystal, but my world comes to a halt if I run out & can't get more for longer than a two day stretch.... I love my crystal and it helps me where it seems to harm so many others.  But it would be so nice to just get a months supply and know that when that's getting low another months suply is at the pharmacy!  And for way cheaper too...shit I'd even but the name brand instead of generic!!


----------



## Sweet P

2spun4one said:


> they aren't???  Sounds like you have never been prescribed adderral then because if you had been you would know that it's a medication you take daily just like any other....  I've never had a prescription for it myself  either but know many that have... I wish I could get put on it cuz it is a perfect meth substitute...and it's easier to regulate. I get real good crystal, but my world comes to a halt if I run out & can't get more for longer than a two day stretch.... I love my crystal and it helps me where it seems to harm so many others.  But it would be so nice to just get a months supply and know that when that's getting low another months suply is at the pharmacy!  And for way cheaper too...shit I'd even but the name brand instead of generic!!



Nope, never been given a script for Adderall. I wish they would! I too get good meth, but the trouble is (like you) my life comes to a complete halt when I'm without it. I don't have the motivation or energy to do even the slightest thing. Plus nowadays I tend to get psychotic if I use too much meth and get sleep deprived. I know Adderall wouldn't do that if I used it responsibly, as I would. 8)


----------



## Sweet P

Another reason to quit meth... I scored 2 points today and they ain't doing shit. It's good crystal too. My tolerance is just sky-high. I thought the 2-3 day break I had recently might have been enough to lower it, but nope. Fucking useless.


----------



## 2spun4one

Sweet P said:


> Another reason to quit meth... I scored 2 points today and they ain't doing shit. It's good crystal too. My tolerance is just sky-high. I thought the 2-3 day break I had recently might have been enough to lower it, but nope. Fucking useless.



sounds like our lives are like looking into a mirror!  u know its time to stop fighting it when you can't stop thinking you need to shut the fuck and stop trying to tell everybody everything!!  Right now I'm 40 minutes outta vallejo ca headed to phoenix az and haven't slept in 4 days...but I'm rollin straight through the nite and know I'll rest once I'm there....its kinda fun stopping off every few miles and smokin out then back on the highway!!!


----------



## Sweet P

^ Be careful, dude. Driving without sleep for 4 days isn't exactly safe!


----------



## DexterMeth

I had a crazy flash back right before I woke up this morning.  It was of the first time I ever did crystal... 
  I was sitting there with this guy smoking the shit and absolutely blown away by the amount of energy I had for the first time, and so euphoric obviously too.  I was superman.  We stole my friend's van, drove acrossed town and stole an ATV from the side of someone's house in the middle of the night. After working very slowly and quietly, moving it like an inch ever 10 seconds..then we figured out how to get it in gear and just rolled it away and loaded up in the van.  We drove down the freeway smoking crystal the whole way..and in no time the sun came up.  Back at his house we smoked more crystal and fixed up the ATV to go riding in the canyon.  Some random guy came over, walked right up to my friend, took the pipe out of his hand and smoked a fat hit and left.  He was one sketchy fuck, but whatever.  Got the ATV working so we loaded it up again smoked more got gas for it.  While pumping gas, some random aquaintance of my new tweaker friend pulled up and let 2 under age girls from his car (They were probably in 8th fucking grade and we were all 18).  That guy showed us he had crystal and hopped in my van, we all went out to the canyon.  Parked in the canyon, both guys pulled out guns, took them apart and cleaned them.  The dude I was hanging with from the previous night was trying to make his own firing pin from this gear box I had..shit could of fucked up his hand so bad if it back fired.  A few hours later he sold the ATV to a guy that owned some golf shop acrossed town, through the back of his store..we all smoked crystal.  I needed to get ready for work after the weekend so dropped them off at the gas station, took my share of the money and bought crystal.  On the way home I stole a $500 guitar from a small music shop.  I never did shit like this before.  A year later my life was in shambles. What a fucked up drug.  How did I not see all of this as an obvious warning sign before hand? It's like i'm addicted to experience no matter how bad the result.  Whatever, I just wanted to vent.  

Sweet P, I hope you can get on the dexies or something.  Too bad you don't live in 1950s USA..the amps were plentiful


----------



## Sweet P

DexterMeth said:


> Too bad you don't live in 1950s USA..the amps were plentiful



And transsexuals were institutionalised. 

I've got heaps of stories about meth-related escapades, but I've always been too scared to post them in case a friend/acquaintance happens to read it, identify me, and kick my ass for telling. Maybe I'll write about them in my blog sometime, which is a bit more private than the main forums.


----------



## hyroller

^^^^ hehehehe... I love to read/hear about crazy stories.... I don't have any good ones, all mine end in me getting ripped off by someone & wanting to go postal at them, but not being able to do shit! 

yes it's becoming silly... after a few days of smoking here & there my tolerance just went sky high stupid again. not impressed, not with the price this shit costs. the final hurrah on the meth bandwagon comes as a huge relief - I'm tired of chasing a high that is no longer achievable 

thank god for the availability of xanax to ease the comedown.. still been sleeping more than I should but oh well. sleep doesn't cost money.


----------



## eddie_eagle

i'd like to believe in the theory of prescribing dex during rehab.  It did not work for me and only fueled my addiction and ensured that I successfully destroyed the remaining positives left in my life.

re crazy stories...ive stopped trying to tell mine as no one was believing them


----------



## Sweet P

eddie_eagle said:


> i'd like to believe in the theory of prescribing dex during rehab.  It did not work for me and only fueled my addiction and ensured that I successfully destroyed the remaining positives left in my life.



Hmmm... I'll keep that in mind. Sorry to hear it only worsened things for you. But I have heard of some positive cases which still gives me hope. I guess it's worth a try, at least? Dexies are the lesser of two evils when compared to meth.


----------



## eddie_eagle

modafinil is a safer option, obviously not as effective but it means you are not taking any class of amphetamines


----------



## 2spun4one

Sweet P said:


> ^ Be careful, dude. Driving without sleep for 4 days isn't exactly safe!



Yep....past palm springs and yeah you are right....luckily there's someone driving with me & we've been taking turns on the driving...... managed to get 3 or 4 hours sleep in that time.  I really only ever like to sleep for 4 or 5 hours max, mostly because I usually feel rested after that long andmost of the time if i sleep 8+ hours i end up so way tired out that it takes a lot to bring me out of it...honestly i think the longest i've ever stayed up & going was about 22 days....and by day 22.....i'm sure you can attach an end to that one!!!


----------



## Sweet P

eddie_eagle said:


> modafinil is a safer option, obviously not as effective but it means you are not taking any class of amphetamines



Only trouble is, I'm dependent on amphetamines and I'm not sure how much of an effect non-amphetamine medications would have...


----------



## DexterMeth

Sweet P said:


> And transsexuals were institutionalised.
> 
> I've got heaps of stories about meth-related escapades, but I've always been too scared to post them in case a friend/acquaintance happens to read it, identify me, and kick my ass for telling. Maybe I'll write about them in my blog sometime, which is a bit more private than the main forums.



Damn, I bet you have some great stories.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Haha, that I do. I wrote a little story in my blog last night about an old dealer of mine.


----------



## DexterMeth

Is it on BL?


----------



## Sweet P

^ Yup, in the blogs section.

Right now I'm pissed off - at meth for not giving me the high I was wanting. I've gone through nearly a gram of pure today, and yes I'm spun, but I'm not enjoying it. There's no euphoria and no "on top of the world" feeling that I used to get. Fucking tolerance sucks.


----------



## Sweet P

That's it, I think I'm done with the drug & alcohol service. They aren't helping at all, and after each appointment I just end up feeling annoyed. It probably won't look good when I'm sentenced in a few weeks, but frankly I just don't care any more. Today has been one hell of a shitty day.


----------



## DexterMeth

Try some dilantin...to potentiate...besides that ...and shit FUCK THAT...LAY OFF SP.  WTF is wrong with you? And i'm not saying this from any other point than you know because you certainly do..so fucking lower your tolerance.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Fuck that, I think I'll just increase my usage. And maybe return to IV'ing.


----------



## Cloudburst

IV meth made me extremely close to losing my arm. I'd rather fucking die. 

Have you at least considered different ROAs if you're not gonna quit? Sublingual will help you not crave as much. Don't look at the big picture right now.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Nah, like I said in the PM, I've tried every ROA for meth and smoking and shooting are the only ones that get me off. I still chase the rush, even though the euphoria disappeared ages ago. I just get a blast of energy instead. It wakes me up - without it I'm a vegetable.


----------



## 2spun4one

hyroller said:


> ^^^^ hehehehe... I love to read/hear about crazy stories.... I don't have any good ones, all mine end in me getting ripped off by someone & wanting to go postal at them, but not being able to do shit!
> 
> yes it's becoming silly... after a few days of smoking here & there my tolerance just went sky high stupid again. not impressed, not with the price this shit costs. the final hurrah on the meth bandwagon comes as a huge relief - I'm tired of chasing a high that is no longer achievable
> 
> thank god for the availability of xanax to ease the comedown.. still been sleeping more than I should but oh well. sleep doesn't cost money.



Hey did you ever try loading up a big bowl  (like .5/.6)...and snorting a decent sized rail, and sprinkle some crushed up powdery on your hand and lick it off (it don't taste that bad)  and yes your prolly looking at blowing thru around .8 or so to put all that together, but I bet if you do it in this order... smoke, snort, lick...by the time you get the taste out of your mouth you will be high.  and if that don't work...try starving yourself (only do bare minumum to keep yourself from bottoming out) for a day or two...make it hard on yourself, don't take any with you if you go somewhere for a few hours....make your own shit unavailable to yourself, onlycoming off with a little here and there to keep from feeling bad.  I know exactly how you feel, I've even tried blaming it on bad shit to the point of argueing with my connect about it...its never enough sometimes it seems.  sometimes i think it boils down to being so high for so long i don't even realize it, other times i feel like i'm getting into the 'getting high when your high' routine...it's kinda like without sadness is there really any happiness....one thing i know from experience is when the time comes that you cannot do any (for whatever reason...fill in blank) each day without gets to the point where you dream of how nice it would be to have just one big rip off a pipe.  I don't really know what im trying to say but do you know what I mean?  I mean, I get very crafty when it comes to conservation especially if I anticipate a dry spell.  I found that if you keep some party balloons handy, and blow your hits into balloon, then take hit back out of balloon, it does work!!  If the hit is a big ass smoky one you can blow into balloon and suck it back 4 or more times and you will notice it working...


----------



## hyroller

2spun4one said:


> Hey did you ever try loading up a big bowl  (like .5/.6)...and snorting a decent sized rail, and sprinkle some crushed up powdery on your hand and lick it off (it don't taste that bad)  and yes your prolly looking at blowing thru around .8 or so to put all that together, but I bet if you do it in this order... smoke, snort, lick...by the time you get the taste out of your mouth you will be high.



nah - never had this amount of gear that I'd be willing to munch through in one sitting

no real desire to do that really... I prefer smaller doses, and working my way up from there....

I just meant I'd had maybe 4pts over 4 days, which was enough to set the tolerance levels back in motion. oh well, them's the breaks.


----------



## thedeadlywar

Ugh... I've been back to using for the last two months nearly. Lately it has been making my chest feel tight on the left side, and I wheeze a lot... Path of addictive self destruction. This is so stupid.


----------



## Captain.Heroin

Sweet P said:


> Only trouble is, I'm dependent on amphetamines and I'm not sure how much of an effect non-amphetamine medications would have...



I suspect modafinil wouldn't be as addictive, if addictive at all, for people who find amphetamines addictive.  I might be wrong, and would love to hear people's experiences (with modafinil for maintenance, or for ADHD).

I agree with you P, pill formulations of dexedrine, or adderall, would be a much safer option than methamphetamine.

The pill formulations, when taken orally (the only satisfying way of doing them IMO), last a long time, and have a lower abuse potential.  While some people may find adderall or dexedrine addictive, many, many more people would find meth way more addictive.  

I understand that everyone who wants to quit using meth, would also not want to use amphetamines, especially if they don't have narcolepsy, or ADHD, or other disorders which amphetamine is commonly prescribed, and I do respect that decision.  

In my mind though, I don't see myself having easily have given up heroin without Suboxone, so while I do believe that prescription stimulants should be available for meth addicts who need it, it's obviously not the best route of recovery for all meth/amp addicts.  It's just as respectable to taper off, or cold turkey heroin, but I hear less success stories this way to be honest.  I think maintenance is a great option overall (for some drugs, like heroin) - I have been clean from heroin for 17 months.  In three days, it'll be 18 months.


----------



## Cane2theLeft

^From what I understand, they have been researching stimulant maintenance drugs for a long time. They've even considered modafinil but for some reason discarded that concept. 

I think the reason they don't prescribe currently available amphetamines for maintenance is because unlike methadone and suboxone, they do not have a blockade effect. Think about it from a practitioners point of view... you prescribe stimulants to a known amp addict and they continue to use meth or other illicit amps at best not helping them at all and at worst, possibly contributing to OD or other health problems. 

I think in some cases, addicts might benefit from amphetamine maintenance, but overall it doesn't address the core problem or prevent other problems like dangerous combinations (again, unlike suboxone). 

Hopefully someday they'll have viable stimulant maintenance alternatives, but today I understand why doctors are unwilling to prescribe the stimulants on the market for this purpose.


----------



## 2spun4one

hyroller said:


> nah - never had this amount of gear that I'd be willing to munch through in one sitting
> 
> no real desire to do that really... I prefer smaller doses, and working my way up from there....
> 
> I just meant I'd had maybe 4pts over 4 days, which was enough to set the tolerance levels back in motion. oh well, them's the breaks.



Oh.....ok.  .1 per day is really not much, you should be thankful you don't need more!!!  I go through around 1.0 per day.  I just enjoy it


----------



## Sweet P

^ Yeah that's the kind of amounts I'm doing nowadays. 1-2 grams a day, most days of the week. 

The enjoyment factor has pretty much gone though.


----------



## [eK]

thedeadlywar said:


> Ugh... I've been back to using for the last two months nearly. Lately it has been making my chest feel tight on the left side, and I wheeze a lot... Path of addictive self destruction. This is so stupid.



yeah, it's evil shit. not that i am in any boat to judge right now..
are you smoking your gear??
i gotta get rid of the pipe, she really knows how to draw me back and forth.


----------



## [eK]

so i always tend to misjudge the great body-load i suffer when coming down off of this shit.
when you are 48+ hours overdue of sleep, and even though you try, you know all along that you're going to fail because you were foolish enough to binge with zero benzos in possession.
sigh.


----------



## 2spun4one

Sweet P said:


> Hi all... unfortunately I'm going back to using. The health system is refusing to put me on safe pharmaceutical amphetamines, so I'm forced to going back to scoring from dealers and gangs. Hopefully my shrink might change her mind one day, when she realises how quickly I'm falling downhill, but until then I'll be using like I used to. It's the only way I can live as a normal human being.



I know what you mean and exactly how you feel...and you will always run into people who will tell you that its too bad your deciding to keep doing speed, but when it comes down to it, and its true for me, that without the shit I could not function...I mean people freak out when I don't have any and can't do a damn thing...its only then that I get treated like there's something wrong with me.  And in reality, there are millions of people on something that they cannot function without that you never even know about.  I am terrified to tell anyone I do speed because I know it will change the way they look at me, suddenly I will be 
the stereotype they have been conditioned to think of when it comes to meth use.  I've been high as a kite around people who boast that that they can't stand tweakers and how they can spot one everytime.  I've even said "really, so you would know if I was?" and they look me at me and say oh yeah I would definately know if  you were...  So I say if it makes your life what you want it to be and you can manage and maintain....rock on!!!  anyone who doesn't understand should completely stop doing something they do...like how about quitting cigarrettes...


----------



## Sweet P

^ Good point. I unfortunately have the tweaker "look"... I'm pale, skinny, got dark circles under my eyes, messy hair, etc. But over the years as my tolerance has grown to the drug, I can sit still and act perfectly normal when I'm actually as high as a kite. If I'm up and about, I'm on meth. If I'm tired or lying around at home, I'm not.


----------



## Cane2theLeft

2spun4one said:


> And in reality, there are millions of people on something that they cannot function without that you never even know about.  I am terrified to tell anyone I do speed because I know it will change the way they look at me, suddenly I will be the stereotype they have been conditioned to think of when it comes to meth use.
> ...
> So I say if it makes your life what you want it to be and you can manage and maintain....rock on!!!  anyone who doesn't understand should completely stop doing something they do...like how about quitting cigarrettes...



I'm not trying to challenge you but I think for most people (not necessarily you of course) if they can no longer function without something, then their life isn't exactly what they want it to be. I just haven't met an individual who has lost control over substances and become addicted say "THIS is what I have always wanted my life to be".

You said maintaining, and yeah that is the best case scenario once you NEED that fix. The best you can do while that need controls is try to not have everything in your life collapse around you but decades of anecdotal experience demonstrate that once you've lost control, odds are that house of cards you are desperately trying to maintain is eventually going to fall apart.


----------



## motiv311

Optimus.Grime said:


> What do you do when the drug has affected you beyond the levels of withdrawal, physical deterioration and mental stability?
> 
> What I mean by that is: How do deal with the MOTIVATION aspect of it?
> 
> I have been doing crystal for 8 years with a use pattern that fluctuates constantly. Doing it every day for 3 years straight seemed to be easier to overcome comparing it to the way I currently use, and how I used BEFORE and AFTER those 3 years.  Dealing with those eye tremors and body shakes after only 8 hours of not doing any were the worst, but NOTHING compared to the overall general feeling I experience now.  I have absolutely no motivation to do ANYTHING other than getting wacked and eating when I have to.
> 
> The only good thing in my life (my girl) that matters more than anything me, I destroy along with everything else going for me due to not wanting to do anything AT ALL, except get high.  The motivational factors that I used in the past to get ahead in life, I cannot seem to do the same anymore.  I seem to do everything opposite of the way I feel about my girl and career and its come to the point where i'm just SAYING shit and doing fuck all to reinforce those words.  I dont understand how this happened, Ive been a heavy user and poly-substance addict for 11 years and the times where my addictions SHOULD have been at their worst dont even compare to how bad things got as I cut down on my use. All the good things that I love, want and NEED, have completely lost the encouragement values they once had and subside my emotions. The only reason I still have a place to live, food to eat and money to spend, is because I have a father that puts up with a lot of shit.
> 
> What the fuck are you suppose to do when the most basic, obvious and EASY things become irrelevant and not even worth doing?  I guess you can say, I literally dont want to and WILL NOT do anything when sober, and ONLY getting high can spring the motivation to do these things. This addiction would be a lot easier to kick IF I  was able to actually WANT to do something and then actually doing it.
> 
> I hope this all made sense.  I'm sorry if I posted this in the wrong place or if I broke any of the thread rules, This is my first real post on this site so im still familiarizing myself with everything.  Please, If anyone has any advice lemme hear it because I cant live like this anymore nor do I want to.
> 
> Be strong and stay safe.
> Dexter.




 it seems to me, that you (like most) got into the drug because of a certain "feeling" or "skill" or enhancement of yourself. 

      Unless you go cold-turkey once a month or so (for at least a week in my opinion) You will never feel the "positive" spirit that amphetamines can and do provide. 

      Unfortunately, what goes up must come down. On the flip side, what goes down will most likely swing like a pendulum to the positive space.

      in terms of your inability to experience pleasure/reward for the normal things in life. this is a common side-effect of all amphetamines. 
  I still think all people need is a nice long drug-holiday; For others, a permanent holiday


----------



## LSDMDMA&AMP

i am stopping my rec. use of dexedrine. I would generally recreationally use at least once a week, probably 50% of weeks twice. I am quitting, for good this time. Id only need 80-100mg XR, so it shouldnt be too bad. I just need something to keep my mind off of getting high on speed. Its the only drug ive EVER had ANY trouble controllign use of..ive never wanted to use any drug even weekly almost..but speed crept up on me, and its at least once a week now, and i dont "withdrawal" but ill crave it, when i think about getting high generally. Its just too hard to resist. i need to fucking quit.


----------



## nolimitnp

Good to see I'm not alone.  Okay maybe not good, I wouldn't wish the draw of the all mighty meth/amphetamine.  I wish I had never started.  My euphoria is all but gone now.  I'm back to brain fog, scattered thoughts, and a horrid stutter.  Now I spend many nights, alone, in the dark on my computer researching random things and buying shit I can't really afford.  I filled my last script of 30 mg Adderall 3x daily the 20th.  I'm down to 15 pills 9 days later.  Ugh.  My head doesn't feel right.  Probably blood clotting up there about to give me a stroke.  Been up for 3 straight days now and have to dose again around 100mg to be able to function at work.  Finally got a cart job pushing flippin' shopping carts at Sam's.  Its harder work than you think it might be.  This is the hardest I've ever hit the amphetamines.  Its wonderfully horrible.  God I hope its not true about the permanent damage to the brain.  I had a good thought.  Lost it.  Oh well.  Hello to all of you.


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## Sweet P

^ Welcome to Bluelight! I'm experiencing similar symptoms to you... no longer any rush or euphoria, scattered thoughts, a stutter, obsessiveness (I also like to research random things on the net when I'm fried, or do lots of housework), occasional paranoia, and asociability. My head is also feeling weird after a day and a night of very heavy using and no sleep or food. Not sure if it's just a headache or something more serious. I've taken some paracetamol, but if it persists I may have to see my doc. Fortunately studies have shown that the brain does repair itself over time, but the exact amount of time varies from addict to addict. Some can recover in a month or so, while others may need a year or more. But it does happen. Oh, and congrats about the new job!


----------



## Sweet P

LSDMDMA&8327325 said:
			
		

> i am stopping my rec. use of dexedrine. I would generally recreationally use at least once a week, probably 50% of weeks twice. I am quitting, for good this time. Id only need 80-100mg XR, so it shouldnt be too bad. I just need something to keep my mind off of getting high on speed. Its the only drug ive EVER had ANY trouble controllign use of..ive never wanted to use any drug even weekly almost..but speed crept up on me, and its at least once a week now, and i dont "withdrawal" but ill crave it, when i think about getting high generally. Its just too hard to resist. i need to fucking quit.



That's cool to hear. Hope you're doing well! You're lucky you don't get the full-blown withdrawals, but yeah, the cravings themselves can be real hard to deal with. I wish you all the best.


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## Sweet P

Sorry for the third post in a row. I'm totally scattered right now, I can't even think straight and I'm finding it hard to type. I guess large amounts of meth, no sleep, and no food tend to do that to you. I hate meth for what it's done to me. It's basically ruined my life. But I still love it too. It's been my one true love - all the other drugs I've tried were just casual flings in comparison. I've been using it for only a few years of my life, but I've become so accustomed to using it, I can't imagine what life would be like without it. And I'm scared of the withdrawals. They make me so depressed it's like I'm entering a psychotic depression. Last time I stopped using, I was soon locked up a maximum security psychiatric ward after trying to fight six cops, called by my parents who knew how suicidal I was. So now I just continue to use. My doctor has told me bluntly that if I continue, I will die. My body weight is that of a severe anorexic, my hair is falling out in clumps, my teeth are rotting, and my health is general is getting worse. I also can't hold down a job, I can't study, I barely leave the house, and the only "friends" I have in real life are gang members. And the sadest part is that I think I'm willing to let the drug take my life. I can't live without it, but I won't live much longer with it.


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## hyroller

I don't know what to say. That scares and disappoints & renders me essentially powerless 

Meth has all but divested every good achievement and accomplishment in my life, but I still have my physical health....for what it's worth.

Maybe I just refuse to let something point blank control me... I don't even feel passionately enough about meth to let it take over


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## Sweet P

^ I don't feel very passionate about meth any more. It's like my daily medicine. I'm just feeling totally defeatist... I know it's killing me, but I don't think I'll be able to quit and return to a "normal" life.


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## hyroller

I think your problem (psychologically) stems from a poor sense of identity... I dont know if much of it has been lost in the crossfire of living as a transsexual.... I don't know how difficult that could be to confront  but you need to seriously get your middle finger pointed right up at all the people who told you you were in any way worthless or undeserving of love as a human being in this life, because by giving in to this disease you're effectively letting them win


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## yoursecrettime

SP, you're probably already quite set in your beliefs about your addiction and the boundries of what you can accomplish. I don't know you or your exact circumstances, but from reading your posts I feel a strong relation to what you are experiencing. I have struggled for meth addiction on and off since I was 16, but once I experienced a latent schizophrenic episode three months ago, I immediately ceased use and have not used again.

And quitting doesn't have to be that hard. You clearly believe that you've dug a massive hole that you now can't escape, but there are without doubt people in worse situations than either of us who have been able to prosper after leaving meth. And I'm sure that you have the capability to be more self-confident and feel more self-worth that you give yourself credit for.

Meth is just a phenethylamine; simple in structure; simple in it's high; and simple to live without if you believe it can be.


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## deadhead507461

I have used meth probably a dozen times, the last 3 months (ever). It seems to have zero negative effects so far. Its relatively cheap, I can smoke and smoke on just a little amount, it lasts me a good 36 hours every time, I cant stuff my face with food so my stomach seems to be happier since I don't plump up and shit all the time, I am more social and express myself so so much more (use to be hard to), I can workout/hangout longer than ever... Its just all good so far, WHICH REALLY SCARES ME. 
When is it going to be to late and I find out that I cant stop. 
I buy very small amounts at a time, and keep it to 1 48hr session a week at most. It really doesn't feel addictive, I have money to do it, but I only think of it when I want to do it, I don't feel that urge like I need it. 
Each time I do it the comedown gets easier and easier, almost now existent now. 
Every adult I know that uses it, like my friends mom, says it is okay to do, but moderation is the key.. Which is starting to make so much sense. Is that true?
Or one day will this habit just bite me in the ass and not let me go.

Part of me just wants to smash the pipe, delete my connect's number and be done with it all together. But I am not finding enough negative effects to give me a reason to.

Is Meth really all that bad?
or am I being fooled into addiction without knowing it????????


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## Cane2theLeft

^With any drug there is a honeymoon period where everything seems amazing... the duration of this period depends on how frequently you use, various factors in your life, etc... but basically these honeymoon's always end if you use with any regularity.

And yes, you probably are being fooled into addiction without knowing it. 

If people felt all the consequences from their use immediately then no one would get addicted. People get addicted because by the time the consequences start building, they are already hooked and begin to rationalize anything and everything to continue their use.


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## deadhead507461

^^^ haha that "Not Even Once" ad on meth just sounds ridiculous now. 

I find that the tolerance to smoking or snorting builds up so quickly in a binge situation that its not worth it to buy more than what you could do in one sitting. .2 is good for a night, and hits in the morning, then you have to stop because if I try to do more I dont feel it at all... 
I guess that's a good thing tho. I know the 2nd time i ever smoked I smoked until the bag was empty, 1 gram in a night which was such a waste of cash. I reached that plateau but I kept trying to go up, and couldn't. 
Short Term Tolerance buildup, Short Term Addiction to keep hitting the pipe...

God damn if meth didnt have that short term tolerance it would be extremely bad news and then yes I would believe "Not Even Once".


----------



## BananasAndOranges

I hate Adderall sooo much but I keep taking it. Good thing I only have about half a 30mg xr cap left. I dunno what it is about it. I like it for the first 30 minutes. Two hours later I can't stand it for reasons like non stop pissing,racing thoughts that seem to get groggy and slowed after I take my Valium. After my opiates its better but then it seems to make it worse 2 hours later. It's a love/hate relationship. I like the dextro part of it, but the other salts are just fucking lame. Hopefully I can get on a SMALL dose of Dex soon. I don't want it though but I do Need it at times.


----------



## hyroller

BananasAndOranges said:


> I hate Adderall sooo much but I keep taking it.




I hate fiending, but it appears to be one of the few things that affords my life any sense of purpose.


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## Sweet P

hyroller said:


> I think your problem (psychologically) stems from a poor sense of identity... I dont know if much of it has been lost in the crossfire of living as a transsexual.... I don't know how difficult that could be to confront  but you need to seriously get your middle finger pointed right up at all the people who told you you were in any way worthless or undeserving of love as a human being in this life, because by giving in to this disease you're effectively letting them win



Yeah, I think you're right. I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) which causes problems with identity and self-esteem. Even my drug counsellor said there's a huge web of factors behind my addiction. 



yoursecrettime said:


> SP, you're probably already quite set in your beliefs about your addiction and the boundries of what you can accomplish. I don't know you or your exact circumstances, but from reading your posts I feel a strong relation to what you are experiencing. I have struggled for meth addiction on and off since I was 16, but once I experienced a latent schizophrenic episode three months ago, I immediately ceased use and have not used again.



I wouldn't be surprised if that's where I'm heading. I'm getting more and more psychotic while on meth (I'm now prescribed haloperidol for that), and I'm continually in and out of the local psych hospital. I sometimes worry that all the meth I'm using will eventually make me schizophrenic.



deadhead507461 said:


> Is Meth really all that bad?
> or am I being fooled into addiction without knowing it????????



Yes. When I first started using I didn't know why meth was such a taboo, cos to me it was amazing. I kept using more and more, telling myself I could quit whenever the hell I wanted to. But the drug dug its claws into me and soon I found that I was needing larger quantities to get the same high, and whenever I went without it I just couldn't function normally like I used to.



Cane2theLeft said:


> If people felt all the consequences from their use immediately then no one would get addicted. People get addicted because by the time the consequences start building, they are already hooked and begin to rationalize anything and everything to continue their use.



Well said. That's exactly what happened to me.


----------



## clay404

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=461215&highlight=adderall+meth

^ don't forget this thread folks

this is scaring me from doing adderall! only read the 1st post - the rest could have triggers. I dunno.


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## gorgoroth

deadhead507461 said:


> I have used meth probably a dozen times, the last 3 months (ever). It seems to have zero negative effects so far. Its relatively cheap, I can smoke and smoke on just a little amount, it lasts me a good 36 hours every time, I cant stuff my face with food so my stomach seems to be happier since I don't plump up and shit all the time, I am more social and express myself so so much more (use to be hard to), I can workout/hangout longer than ever... Its just all good so far, WHICH REALLY SCARES ME.
> When is it going to be to late and I find out that I cant stop.
> I buy very small amounts at a time, and keep it to 1 48hr session a week at most. It really doesn't feel addictive, I have money to do it, but I only think of it when I want to do it, I don't feel that urge like I need it.
> Each time I do it the comedown gets easier and easier, almost now existent now.
> Every adult I know that uses it, like my friends mom, says it is okay to do, but moderation is the key.. Which is starting to make so much sense. Is that true?
> Or one day will this habit just bite me in the ass and not let me go.
> 
> *Part of me just wants to smash the pipe, delete my connect's number and be done with it all together. *But I am not finding enough negative effects to give me a reason to.
> 
> Is Meth really all that bad?
> or am I being fooled into addiction without knowing it????????



@ Sweetp I sort of know your situation as I talks to ya on msn
Godamn it's rough, and for me, to paraphrase Kiekergaard, "nothing in life worth doing is easy" that helped me get to where I am today but in acute w/d and hard times it was certainly far from my mind.
Please feel free to hit me up @ msn anytime ya knows ya can 

@ deadhead
Hey man, well SOME people could use a drug like Meth in moderation,but the fact that you're having doubts and questions to me sounds like you're not one of them right now eh?
 You should do the bold because it sounds like a 'honeymoon phase' type deal to me, brother.
Be careful, because the negative effecs WLL happen and they ARE horrendous, even unexplainable...


~ Fritz


----------



## deadhead507461

gorgoroth said:


> @ deadhead
> Hey man, well SOME people could use a drug like Meth in moderation,but the fact that you're having doubts and questions to me sounds like you're not one of them right now eh?
> You should do the bold because it sounds like a 'honeymoon phase' type deal to me, brother.
> Be careful, because the negative effecs WLL happen and they ARE horrendous, even unexplainable...
> 
> 
> ~ Fritz



One of my old best friends randomly showed up at my door a few hours ago. I hadnt seen him in months. He said he heard from someone else that me and my friend were fucking around with meth and he was sooo concerned. He told me how bad it is for me and that he doesnt want to see me get addicted and go down. Out of nowhere he showed up and said this and was concerned for me. 
Right then I broke my pipe in front of him and had him erase my contact. 
I promised him I wont touch that shit anymore. It was like an angel just came to slap me in the face and tell me that I need to stop...
Him coming over and saying that really shocked me and made me realize I had to stop..
So I am now two days into my quitting phase. 
I think I was starting to slip into addiction, 3 times I had done it in the last 2 weeks 

As of today I am not going to touch that White Devil.. 
Thank God that he came over and showed me the light :D
 I am so thankful


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## Sweet P

^ Wow, that's awesome! It's great that you've got some good, caring friends.


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## benzoheadplus44

okay so ive gotten my usage from amps down considerably... i use to be big on abusing dexedrine sometimes going to an amount of 150mg a day, i was binging and all the other stuff related... that lasted maybe 6-8 months maybe. Before that I took Adderall (I was prescribed to all this shit) with a rx'ed dose of 25mg 3x daily of the immediate release shit... that i did take "as prescribed" for the most part because I had enough of it where that was good enough for me.

at the very end of when I was taking it back in 2008 I would often run out of my dexedrine early then take some of my moms adderall XR for myself to help make it to the next prescription. I got the shit every two weeks, 60 of the 15mg dex capsules. Anyways, yeah I started taking 4 30mg Adderall XR capsules at once sometimes... but the thing is I was able to sleep and eat through all of this... unless I chose to redose of course. July 2008 was the end mainly due to not seeing that doctor anymore.

Ok so I did take adderall on a couple occassions in the year following nothing much though. 

2009 - july... I get a script again but to Vyvanse this time instead and of course tried abusing it by taking 4 of the 50mg caps right off the back... only difference this time is it was never enjoyable this time around... last month I got upped to the 70mg caps... I progressively have been taking less at once and so on but I was still binging. I am only prescribed to one a day and that does honestly not come close to how long it should last (remember I was rx'ed 75mg adderall a day in the past). I have a vyvanse card I got from filling out some paper the doc gave me and I am granted 12- 30 capsule prescriptions for free... I do not pay for it... but that also fucks me because I can't get any higher of a dose.

Now here I am I sleep every night, I stopped binging, I eat for the most part... except today there is nothing in the house to eat and i dont want fast food as I'm trying to eat better. Anyways I do take more than the "one capsule by mouth once daily". I take one to start then a couple/few (depending) hours later I take a second one. I use to be prescribed to that same amount a little over two years ago... I was prescribed this shit for two months before switching to dexedrine.

I would like to know since I do feel mainly negative effects such as high anxiety (My set and setting has been completely changed, I mainly hang out alone a lot because I'm on probation and I've finally quit doing everything else especially smoking weed - for RANDOM drug test reasons, and I don't want to assiociate with all the people I know just because I do not want to get in trouble any further... so I stay at home or go out and play disc golf. I do see some of my good influence friends... one which i work with so I'm not completely in isolation...

so sorry about this long post but my concern is how bad can this be? how bad can taking these TWO capsules a day? I've gotten myself to at least take a regular amount every day... thats even if I take it every single day because sometimes i don't.

I understand I have an addiction towards it - major addiction in general... I also understand this is not the same as immediate release shit or what not. I don't enjoy feeling "Tweaked" anymore, and the low amount doesnt do that to me I just get the initial pep feeling somewhat but mainly a lot of anxiety. When I get this tension it causes muscles to twitch and stuff, my legs and sometimes my pecs and upper back muscles. I have good hygeine and shit as well. Why does this feel so damaging? It's almost like I think to myself "how did I handle so much dexedrine, etc.." when I can't handle two fucking vyvanse? They DO help me, they DO give me this fucked up sense that allows me to make right desicions (like not associating with the wrong crowd... not doing other drugs... etc) but am I just justifying all this shit? I don't understand. Again this is just from vyvanse at a PREVIOUSLY prescribed dose... its not like I'm smoking crystal or anything. 

I just don't understand. but yes im addicted.

sorry for this. I just needed to post this and get someones advice because not being able to do that at all... no computer at home, nothing just cable TV, no texting on my phone. nothing.

this almost makes me feel a lot better to get it all out of me... out of my mind for you to read.

edit:
I do run out early of course. 30 pills is only two weeks worth so i am getting sobriety time from it as well. im not on it EVERY day. nor would i want to be... I am glad I don't have lots of it like I use to.

i have been diagnosed with ADD mainly with impulsivity... when i take this shit like i said and not aim to get high (but yet like the nice small feeling... or at least try to like it) this shit gives me inhibitions so-to-speak. I forgot to mention why im on it. okay, should be good now, no more editing...


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## Sweet P

^ Do you feel that it's a problem? I think that's the main question to ask youself... whether or not taking two capsules a day is causing difficulties in your life, and whether or not you want to change it. It sounds to me like you're not doing too badly. You're getting some clean time when you run out, and you say you wouldn't want to be doing it every day. That's a good thing.


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## Sweet P

Yesterday was my judgement day in court. I fucked up by appearing after going 2 days without food or sleep, so I was looking and feeling like total shit. Hadn't bothered to dress smartly or anything. The judge noticed this and said "clearly the defendant is a raging drug addict" which really upset me... so much that I had to spend several hours in a cell afterwards. I was sentenced to 9 months intensive supervision (probation, where I have to report in frequently and I'm forced to continue drug treatment) and 9 months disqualified from driving.


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## tattooblake81

its as simple as truly wanting to quit not because u "have to quit" but want to,i havent touched dope in 5 years i used to bang it daily also u HAVE to switch addictions but dont become obsessed with one thing spread it out,for me im now a professional tatto artist got a lot of toys and with my old lady,and my evil cat!



deadhead507461 said:


> I have used meth probably a dozen times, the last 3 months (ever). It seems to have zero negative effects so far. Its relatively cheap, I can smoke and smoke on just a little amount, it lasts me a good 36 hours every time, I cant stuff my face with food so my stomach seems to be happier since I don't plump up and shit all the time, I am more social and express myself so so much more (use to be hard to), I can workout/hangout longer than ever... Its just all good so far, WHICH REALLY SCARES ME.
> When is it going to be to late and I find out that I cant stop.
> I buy very small amounts at a time, and keep it to 1 48hr session a week at most. It really doesn't feel addictive, I have money to do it, but I only think of it when I want to do it, I don't feel that urge like I need it.
> Each time I do it the comedown gets easier and easier, almost now existent now.
> Every adult I know that uses it, like my friends mom, says it is okay to do, but moderation is the key.. Which is starting to make so much sense. Is that true?
> Or one day will this habit just bite me in the ass and not let me go.
> 
> Part of me just wants to smash the pipe, delete my connect's number and be done with it all together. But I am not finding enough negative effects to give me a reason to.
> 
> Is Meth really all that bad?
> or am I being fooled into addiction without knowing it????????



this is exactly why meth is bad it will trick us into underestimating it and just because it dosnt make u broke its super cheap u can never sleep get all kinds of things done its a progressive drug meaning u WILL either learn to cook make friends with one and either do way more dope cause u have a ridiculous amount or sell it cause wtf why not u say u can make 2 grand in a night easy thats when things get bad in meth ironically is when from a different perspective things are getting good pulling in several hundred a night easy every female wants u ur king of the trailer park screw it t bones on me attitude...u start doing crazy things; in walmart parkinglot u see a guy who owes u twenty dollars,walk up to him and break his jaw right off the bat.Ive beat the breaks off people for less and i was "proud of this"crazy thing is I AM A LAID BACK HIPPY TYPE!so no im not a preacher i believe people should make thier own choices but maby my input can influence in someway...8 years of my life in prison,i had the same attitude u did i was casual for a long time till i saw those dollars pour in and thats hard work so had to be up 24/7 so i did more.well i hate to say it and i dont wish u bad luck but ur in for one hell of a ride u will see and do so much fucked up stuff...then one day u will get sick and tired of being sick and tired

at the same time i fully stand behind all natural marijuana and mushrooms getting off<snip> straight look at meth heads online no teeth dead looking yet another wonderful aspect of medical uses of marijuana use it to detox from REAL drugs!oh AT ALL COSTS STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM OLD FRIENDS WHO STILL SKITZ they will respect this if they are truly friend if they call u a pussy for quitting fuck em another fact of meth EVERYONE GETS CAUGHT SOONER OR LATER!


----------



## Rexeh

I have been scared to ask this since the original topic was started...

Can I seek advice about Methylphenidate here or is there some thread for 'lesser' stimulants like this one for the few lonely people who need help/advice... I just don;t know where to go with my problems so I am trying here, damn medication is always two-sided blegh...

In the midst of a binge posting this at 4:23 AM... I feel ashamed of myself TBH. 

 -- Peace o/


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## hyroller

tattooblake81 said:


> its as simple as truly wanting to quit not because u "have to quit" but want to,i havent touched dope in 5 years i used to bang it daily also u HAVE to switch addictions but dont become obsessed with one thing spread it out,for me im now a professional tatto artist got a lot of toys and with my old lady,and my evil cat!



I think there comes a point in a depressed person's life, where you don't _personally_ wish to continue living, despite your body's curious way of breathing and functioning (to whatever degree) independent of your mind's wish to stop _living_, per se.

So when someone pretty much does not want to live but is still, in fact, carrying a pulse, what happens between now & the next life is going to be equally as pained, with or without the drugs.

The drugs might just provide some measure of routine, to bracket one's days, and fill ones thoughts.

I wish this mindset did not so closely mirror my own at this particular point in time, it sure as hell isn't my idea of a good time, especially when at rock bottom there literally appears to be no way out - let alone up


----------



## 2spun4one

tattooblake81 said:


> this is exactly why meth is bad it will trick us into underestimating it and just because it dosnt make u broke its super cheap u can never sleep get all kinds of things done its a progressive drug meaning u WILL either learn to cook make friends with one and either do way more dope cause u have a ridiculous amount or sell it cause wtf why not u say u can make 2 grand in a night easy thats when things get bad in meth ironically is when from a different perspective things are getting good pulling in several hundred a night easy every female wants u ur king of the trailer park screw it t bones on me attitude...u start doing crazy things; in walmart parkinglot u see a guy who owes u twenty dollars,walk up to him and break his jaw right off the bat.Ive beat the breaks off people for less and i was "proud of this"crazy thing is I AM A LAID BACK HIPPY TYPE!so no im not a preacher i believe people should make thier own choices but maby my input can influence in someway...8 years of my life in prison,i had the same attitude u did i was casual for a long time till i saw those dollars pour in and thats hard work so had to be up 24/7 so i did more.well i hate to say it and i dont wish u bad luck but ur in for one hell of a ride u will see and do so much fucked up stuff...then one day u will get sick and tired of being sick and tired







  That is so true, it's scary to think how many people are living that same life.  And the truth is, no matter how much smarter you think you are, no matter how much you think YOU are the one person how may have just well mastered the ability to be spun 24/7, and no matter if you 'evolved' into someone who thinks that the shit has done nothing but good in your life and for your life, and even if you have much bigger plans for the speed that you wanna do for the rest of your life because after all, that shit makes us who we are, so no matter what, any and all future plans, the one thing you don't realize or believe, is wow, all of the things You read about people telling you how bad it is and how it fucked up their lives is coming true....but still, that's kinda just their bad luck...until suddenly out of nowhere, things really seem to be getting whacked-out..and you realize that those close to you really do look at you differently.  And you wonder if you're going through the begining of the first of many 'tore back' stages where you fall into the black hole in the end, or maybe it's just all in your head...or is it?  I think its a tough day when you realize your problem may just be that your not too sure if you can trust yourself or your decisions in life anymore.  And when "sick and tired of being sick and tired" becomes a phrase you can't get out of your head...and all you really wanna do is go back to the person you once were and the life you once had, suddenly you kinda realize that things have been fucked for awhile...you know you are at a fork in the road, and they are two opposite ways...then what do you do?  Then where do you go?  I never thought this was the kind of madness I was gonna have to deal with.  I"m damn near invincible, only getting better every day, so what's the problem?   The problem is...you never want to believe it is responsible for anything but good things.  You will basically never figure it out,  but you really want off the crazy train, and plan on taking a week or two to try to get off of it...and that is right where I am.


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## deadhead507461

All the tweakers I have spoken with have started using meth when their life went bad, a tragedy or a break up, just to feel better than they do. 
Saddest story is about this girl that first showed me meth, she bought it for us and we had a shot each. She started using after she got in a terrible near fatal car accident at 16. She was in high school and crashed her first car badly one night. Her whole half of her faces got destroyed, tons of stitches, its now deformed over 50% of her face, her eye, her mouth and like half a nose. She dropped out of school to become home schooled because she couldnt face the other kids if they were making fun of her face. She starting using because she felt bad about her appearance and thot meth would cheer her up. She shoots up like crazy now and has traded so much of her possessions to score a bag. Exp. She traded a 250$ telescope her father got for her for Christmas for an extra .2 on top of .4 that made me upset because her family must care for her so much and she just doesnt give a shit about anything.
Its so upsetting to see someone pity themselves so much that they dont care about anything anymore, fuck my life, fuck the world I just want to tweak out and I will do anything to do it.

Meth seems to always turn the most beautiful people into zombies, its a damn shame.


----------



## Pillthrill

I spent all night dreaming about trying to do meth. I say trying because there was always something preventing me, like the cops. I got it but I couldn't do it. 
Sucked. 
Cause meth is pretty much the last thing I want to be doing. I think it comes from my desire to be less lethargic and get stuff done. Although you aren't productive, you just make mistakes faster. 
I did mention it to my bf. I suppose I had to tell someone about it. He hates meth with a passion and wouldn't be with me if I did it. I cut off all my ties so that it would be super super difficult to get it and I certainly couldn't do it without him knowing about it.


----------



## benzoheadplus44

Sweet P said:


> ^ Do you feel that it's a problem? I think that's the main question to ask youself... whether or not taking two capsules a day is causing difficulties in your life, and whether or not you want to change it. It sounds to me like you're not doing too badly. You're getting some clean time when you run out, and you say you wouldn't want to be doing it every day. That's a good thing.




The one thing I see as a problem because I do not know what exactly it is.... and I have many different possibilities ranging from magnesium deficiency, to tensing my muscles... but I have these muscle twitches on my left pec and around the left side of my rib-cage to my back (I have others all over my body but these seem to be the most prevalent, nothing too crazy elsewhere), and I'm just hoping that has nothing to do with my heart at all. I don't ever feel any chest pain or any shit like that. They happen on the right side sometimes but generally its the left. I never used to freak out over it and now I just kinda sigh through it and stuff because I get hella anxiety when I'm on them.



Other than that... yes I am not doing anywhere near as bad as I use to. No binging, I eat, and sleep etc. And I do get "down time" when I run out as well yes...


----------



## 2spun4one

I've actually made some progress on gettin off the shit...went with none for 3 days, which for me is a world record I think.  It did hurt....damn it hurt.  by the time I got high again I was really starting to notice how calm everything seemed to be.  It was so odd to  feel calmed down and relatively mellow verses being high which I was used to considering normal and everyday...so when I got high again I noticed how I started to feel my mental pace speeding up and could really sense the acceleration going through me.  I almost felt it was unnecessary to feel so zipped up...but I did like it.  Instead of staying high 24/7 as usual, I let things wear off....which took forever!!!  I fucking could not sleep would not try, but could feel how tired I was.  Where I live there's no need to ever worry about getting shit...it's everywhere, cheap and always super good, so I will never eliminate that giant trigger...but because of that fact it's easier for me to get off the shit cuz I know if I get where I'm really hurtin and need to get high...its as easy as not passing on the next bowl handed toward me.  I've been taking really long walks, even if I don't feel like I can.  It's been helping.  I also went cold turkey on cigarettes for the 3 days I stayed off speed, and now I'm smoking cigarettes again and it helped to do that cuz I don't jones as bad for speed.  It's a curious  world to me, the world of not being spun.  I've gotten high twice in 3 days after 3 days of no nothing....it's working for me!!   I am content, not gonna say I succeeded at getting off completely, but these first 6 days have given me a lot of mental confidence....


----------



## Sweet P

Just an update: I've been spending more time with drug_wench lately and she's doing really well. Apart from a recent slip-up on her birthday, she's gone 2 months without meth, which is an awesome achievement. I'm still using but I'm starting to cut down with the help of dexies (the drug and alcohol service refused to prescribe them to me, so I had to look elsewhere!).


----------



## hyroller

^^^^ glad to hear you're still live n kicking


----------



## KamMoye

swim bought some "pure" meth from my neighbor. everyone says that of course but after snorting a small line swim is  starting to wonder. no big problems except swim's liver (right side of swim's torso) seems to hurt. swim did have a fair amount to drink so i'm kind of paranoid -- is the meth making me "aware" of swim's liver going to work or is the meth causing the pain? this is about 6 hours since dosing


----------



## hyroller

^^^^ no need for that SWIM shit here

we all know its you *points* yes, *you.*

the meth is making you aware of the acute need to pee

your bladder is not about to burst

fear not


----------



## footscrazy

I've been fucking up bad lately..
I've always been reckless but lately I feel like I'm just pushing myself to see how far I can go. I don't really give a fuck, I'm wondering whether I'll fall apart mentally or physically first. My bet is on physically as I have chest pains all the time. After puffing the other day my heart and body felt so bad I lay in bed and prayed not to die, holding on to the bed head with both hands (touch wood). I passed out for a few hours which has lately been happening even when I smoke pure meth which should be keeping me awake. When I smoke, I get dysphoric rather than euphoric, but I can't stop my compulsion to smoke the pipe. 

My psychologist short tracked an appointment with a specialist to check out my heart and in my mind it was something very important to me; I had kind of seen it as a turning point I guess. I finished all my shit, but on the drive in to see her, I got a call cancelling the appointment. It was just like the last straw for me and I just feel like I really don't matter, I don't care how fucked up I get. I don't know why I feel this way, I guess after 7 years I've really gotten sick of fighting a losing battle against this shit.


----------



## drug_mentor

^ It makes me sad to read such a dark post coming from you. 

You shouldn't feel like you don't matter because you do  and there are many out there who would be devastated to see you lose the fight, including me!

It really sucks your appointment got cancelled, but you got another one and I know it is a real cunt you had to wait but atleast you are in.  It can still be the turning point you saw it as before, even if it comes just a little bit later. I know you get into a more optimistic headspace when you have had some time off, it is easy to be down in the dumps because you have been using a lot but things will change for the better, you will see. :D

If you ever need a chat, you know I am always there for you love. Just know that you do matter, your friendship means a lot to me and I know there are many out there who could say the same. Try keep your chin up and see how you go with your appointment, remember I am only a stone throw away if you need me.


----------



## Sweet P

I've been off meth for about 2 weeks now, with the help of dexies and weed. I know that doesn't make me totally clean from amphetamines, but I think dexies are the lesser of two evils. I'm slowly re-gaining weight... I put on several kilograms last time I checked, which brings me up to 50kg's. Still horribly underweight for someone my height, but at least it's better than it was. I've been having real bad problems with my memory lately - remembering people's names, appointments, and stuff like that. Does anybody else get that? My liver and kidneys have also been giving me problems, which may be related to hep C which I've tested positive for. Also, me and DW might be appearing on a documentary about methamphetamine sometime in the not-too-distant future which should be interesting.


----------



## lestahb

I'm so proud of you Sweet Pea.  I definitely had issues with memory after coming off of meth.  Couldn't remember anyones name, forgot small strings of numbers etc.  It gets better.  It was like with meth, you were so hyper concentrated on stuff that you never let your mind switch to something else, and so when you are in the normal world, and effectively multi-tasking, it is tough to get your head to move from thinking one thought to another.   It took awhile, but it definitely got better.    Cool that you might be in a documentary, might get some insight, or might provide some insight about how you are coping with alternative ways of getting off meth to the medical community.  Congrats again, and congrats to DW for her two months.


----------



## TheFDA

tattooblake81 said:


> its as simple as truly wanting to quit not because u "have to quit" but want to,i havent touched dope in 5 years i used to bang it daily also u HAVE to switch addictions but dont become obsessed with one thing spread it out,for me im now a professional tatto artist got a lot of toys and with my old lady,and my evil cat!



Nobody WANTS to be a fucking Meth addict. If quitting Meth is as easy as simply "truly wanting to quit", then this thread wouldn't even exist.


----------



## paranoid android

Sweet P said:


> I've been off meth for about 2 weeks now, with the help of dexies and weed. I know that doesn't make me totally clean from amphetamines, but I think dexies are the lesser of two evils. I'm slowly re-gaining weight... I put on several kilograms last time I checked, which brings me up to 50kg's. Still horribly underweight for someone my height, but at least it's better than it was. I've been having real bad problems with my memory lately - remembering people's names, appointments, and stuff like that. Does anybody else get that? My liver and kidneys have also been giving me problems, which may be related to hep C which I've tested positive for. Also, me and DW might be appearing on a documentary about methamphetamine sometime in the not-too-distant future which should be interesting.



 Im so glad that youve been able to lay off the meth and that you are doing better. Your pretty damn tough to be able to get off that stuff after being on it for so long so im proud of you 

 That would be really cool if you 2 did a documentary about meth! You could actually tell it like it is and show what it's really like. As opposed to the stupid anti-drug propaganda ads that anyone over 10 years old can see through and know it's bullshit 8)

 Im really happy that your doing better over all. Sorry about your liver and kidneys giving you trouble though that sucks


----------



## motiv311

Wow sweat P ! 

I guess you did end up finding yourself some suitable medication after all! congrats! 

   Adderall and weed has helped me stay "sober' more or less for three years. 

    But do you really want to have your face all over TV for something as serious as this? You'd never be able to take it back if you regretted it. But if you do decide to do it, make sure your at least paid well!

 good luck


----------



## 8ft-Sativa

Sweet P said:


> I've been off meth for about 2 weeks now, with the help of dexies and weed. I know that doesn't make me totally clean from amphetamines, but I think dexies are the lesser of two evils. I'm slowly re-gaining weight... I put on several kilograms last time I checked, which brings me up to 50kg's. Still horribly underweight for someone my height, but at least it's better than it was. I've been having real bad problems with my memory lately - remembering people's names, appointments, and stuff like that. Does anybody else get that? My liver and kidneys have also been giving me problems, which may be related to hep C which I've tested positive for. Also, me and DW might be appearing on a documentary about methamphetamine sometime in the not-too-distant future which should be interesting.



Sweet az!


----------



## Sweet P

motiv311 said:


> Wow sweat P !
> 
> I guess you did end up finding yourself some suitable medication after all! congrats!
> 
> Adderall and weed has helped me stay "sober' more or less for three years.
> 
> But do you really want to have your face all over TV for something as serious as this? You'd never be able to take it back if you regretted it. But if you do decide to do it, make sure your at least paid well!
> 
> good luck



Well unfortunately I'm having to share somebody else's dexamphetamine script - the drug & alcohol service are still refusing to prescribe them to me. But at least it's better than nothing. I don't think I'd mind appearing on the documentary. My whole family and all my friends know I'm an addict, I've got methamphetamine-related tattoos across my arms, and I still have that "tweaker" look, so I'm sure most people can already figure me out. I also don't really believe in having regrets. The documentary is designed to warn others about the dangers of meth and how it can ruin people's lives, so I'd be happy to share my story if it can help others.


----------



## LSDMDMA&AMP

HOLY shit p. 50kilos? damn.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Yup, 50kg's and I'm 5' 8". My lowest was 45kg's. 

That's what 3 years of heavy meth use can do to you.


----------



## dizzychainsaw

I ended up going to detox on March 16th then I went to a 28 day rehab center. I got out at the end of April and I now live in a sober living apartment complex. I go to alcoholics anonymous meetings and narcotics anonymous meetings. I had a problem with meth and any other drug I could get my hands on. So far the treatment has worked. Its taking a while to adjust to life sober but it is happening very slowly. I know that if I could do it anyone could do it because I really thought that I was hopeless. I wanted to die and I thought I was going to die from all the drugs. I wish you all the best!! I hope to see you all on the highway of recovery! Sometimes I do miss the drugs and the life style but I have to remember how miserable I was and that it just was not fun for me anymore!!


----------



## Sweet P

*Meth/amphetamine MEGA Thread!*

The last mega thread seems to have disappeared (or has been archived), so I thought I'd start a new one for those of us struggling with meth/amphetamine abuse and addiction, and needing advice or support from others in the same situation. 

My story: I'd been using crystal meth heavily for about 3 years, and speed (powdered dexamphetamine, probably cut with meth and other drugs) for quite a few years before that. I finally quit my habit about 2 months ago. I'll admit that I'm not completely amphetamine free - I've had the odd slip-up with meth since then, and I'm using dexamphetamine tablets to help me function and deal with depression and PAWS. I don't plan on using it for much longer though. I'd like to be clean from all amphetamines by the end of the year, so I can finally give my body and mind a chance to recover properly. Meth has taken a huge toll on my physical and mental health. My weight dropped down to 45kg's (about 100lbs) and I'm 5'8", I've got a case of "meth mouth" with a few rotting teeth and badly receding gums, I was becoming psychotic and had to be involuntarily committed into a psychiatric hospital, and so on. I also got several drug-related criminal convictions earlier this year. Still, I often worry about how I'll cope without amphetamines, and how long it'll take for things to return to "normal" (if they ever do!) once I quit, but I guess it's just a matter of focusing on one day at a time. I'm currently in drug counselling, which I'm required to attend as part of my probation, and I've been finding that really helpful.

Anyways, I'd love to hear how others are doing!


----------



## Horton-Scorton

*congrats*

Congratulations. Good job staying off that shit. I've been clean from speed for a month after two years of abuse. It got to the point where I thought I could psychically communicate with an insect and would piss into bottles to examine my urine over time. Crazy shit. It was making me emaciated and insane. I feel a lot healthier now, and I'm able to sort out my life.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Thanks! Yeah I can totally relate to all the crazy shit that goes along with meth. Glad your health has improved and you're now in a better space.

And cool, I see the mods have found the old mega thread and merged mine with it.


----------



## FiatFlux

sweet p - good to hear that you have been able to cut back... 

im now 90 and a few days clean from p... i have purposely avoided people/places where its prevalent since moving to the usa but im still having pretty serious sleep issues (dreaming about drugs & waking up in a sweat n being unable to fall back asleep and if i do only to dream about smoking) 

just had 2 teeth in my mouth pulled, dentist looked unimpressed. at least they are up the back aye?


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

I managed 2 years, 8 months and 14 days. 

Then it went down the fucking drain. The day before I was starting treatment for it ironically haha. 

But that binge fucked me beyond what I thought it would. Never ever again. Well I said that how many years ago and I felt exactly back where i was almost 3 years ago.  

Learning curve I hope.


----------



## footscrazy

^ That's some impressive time off! Hopefully all the things you learnt during your time off will make it a bit easier to stay off again this time 

Sweet P - So happy to hear how well you've been doing! FiatFlux, you too. 

I'm nearly 6 weeks off too now and I thought it'd be getting easier now, but I'm still craving badly everyday. I did quit everything this time though, drinking, opiates, everything and that's actually made it easier surprisingly, and more surprisingly I don't crave those things, just ice!!


----------



## Sweet P

^ It's awesome to hear you've managed nearly 6 weeks clean! The cravings can last a while. Mine are slowly getting better, but I do still have days when I'd kill for a bag of crystal, and if somebody freely offered me some I doubt I'd have the willpower to turn it down. To keep safe, I'm avoiding my old dealers and drug buddies, and I try to stay away from parts of the city where I know meth is abundant.


----------



## Gormur

Good to hear you're clean Sweet P

I just got out of a sober-living home where i was for 2 1/2 months. Wow that was torture at first, but it slowly got better altho i knew i wasn't totally normal even after being sober

I decided to get back on adderall a few days ago, but i'm taking a small dose - enough to stay motivated/focused but not enough to get high. I don't absolutely need it, but life is still very hard without it (I have ADD)

As for all the other meds i was on, no more.. if i can't control myself while under the influence, then i have no business being on them -- besides almost ODing several times, according to those around me before i was taken to detox.. it's not good when people tell you _i thought you were dead cause you were turning blue and barely had a pulse_..and you're thinking _well, i was trying to kill myself_ 

Anyway i'm staying away from meth too. Not because it doesn't help me. But because seeking it puts me back in that drug circle i'd rather not associate with from now on. I've learned that i need to associate with positive people who will influence me in a good way

Peace


----------



## Sweet P

FiatFlux said:


> just had 2 teeth in my mouth pulled, dentist looked unimpressed. at least they are up the back aye?



Yeah, my rotting teeth are at the back of my mouth, and my receding gums are below my lower front teeth, so fortunately they can't really be seen when I'm talking to people. I haven't been to a dentist in over 5 years (terrible, I know) and I probably won't until the pain becomes unbearable. I imagine the dentist will be horrified when they look into my mouth! 



Gormur said:


> I decided to get back on adderall a few days ago, but i'm taking a small dose - enough to stay motivated/focused but not enough to get high. I don't absolutely need it, but life is still very hard without it (I have ADD)



I haven't been diagnosed with ADD, but I think it's possible that I've developed ADD-like symptoms due to meth neurotoxicity. I take a small dose of dexamphetamine when I need to for the same reasons as you: to focus, stay motivated, get energy, and so on. I don't get high on it, but it helps me to function and do my daily activities. Glad to hear you're staying away from meth too.


----------



## ocean

Sweet P- I'm glad to hear you are on a better path 
You deserve to be happy and I think the road you are choosing now will lead you to brighter days


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

footscrazy said:


> ^ That's some impressive time off! Hopefully all the things you learnt during your time off will make it a bit easier to stay off again this time



I was still smoking speed, but was adamant about never having ice again.  Oh well. Im in treatment now, and it's going well so far. 

Sweet P, I too have front bottom jaw receding gums from smoking ice. It's fucked   Luckily I think I can save mine, and am in the process of doing so.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Unfortunately, from what I've heard, receding gums don't grow back. You'll probably need a gum graft if you want to repair them. Mine look pretty disgusting, as they've receded so much that the roots of my teeth are completely exposed. But like I said, people can't see it unless I actually pull down my lower lip and show them!


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

^ Yep gum graft is what I need. I've already had one, but it didn't work. So my orthodontist sent me to a different guy, and long story short... to save my gums, ive had to get bottom braces again, they removed a front tooth on my bottom jaw, are closing the gap and pushing my jaw back, so the gum graft will hold. One year of fucking braces; again, then the graft with 3 months aftercare. 

... honestly, i never thought smoking ice all those years would do this, haha. Ignorance!


----------



## lestahb

Just wanted to check in and say that on Sept 1st, i've been clean from meth for 5 years.  so know that it can be done, and long term recovery is possible.  it sucks and its hard, but it can be done.  and it is so worthwhile in the end, and the middle i suppose, just not the beginning.


----------



## Georgie25

Do you just get the teeth fucked up ness doing meth by smoking it or can you get it any way you abuse it?


----------



## Georgie25

Sweet P said:


> Well unfortunately I'm having to share somebody else's dexamphetamine script - the drug & alcohol service are still refusing to prescribe them to me. But at least it's better than nothing. I don't think I'd mind appearing on the documentary. My whole family and all my friends know I'm an addict, I've got methamphetamine-related tattoos across my arms, and I still have that "tweaker" look, so I'm sure most people can already figure me out. I also don't really believe in having regrets. The documentary is designed to warn others about the dangers of meth and how it can ruin people's lives, so I'd be happy to share my story if it can help others.



What is this documentary? Is it out yet ?


----------



## Sweet P

Georgie25 said:


> Do you just get the teeth fucked up ness doing meth by smoking it or can you get it any way you abuse it?



Smoking meth seems to cause the most damage to your teeth, but I think it's possible to cause similar damage with other ROA's due to lack of dental hygiene, poor diet, and so on, that usually goes along with chronic meth addictions. I know when I was using meth heavily, brushing my teeth and eating healthy food were the last things on my mind. I'd go for weeks without brushing, and when I did feel like eating and drinking (which wasn't often), I tended to have only junk food. 



Georgie25 said:


> What is this documentary? Is it out yet ?



It's no longer happening, sadly.


----------



## Georgie25

Aw sorry to hear about the doc not happening..this is a really good doc on meth in the U.S if you're interested:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bI6b31f0yT0

And yeah I hear you on the poor dental hygiene. When I was in active heroin addiction brushing my teeth, changing my clothes, or taking showers wasn't even something that crossed my mind. I'd tell myself when i was sick id do it when i got high, then i got high and said fuck it. =/


----------



## Sweet P

^ Yeah, I watched an Australian documentary on TV called "Ice Age" which was pretty interesting, and it's a good eye-opener to those who haven't experienced the hardcore meth scene. Here's a link to a sample of the documentary on Youtube. Be warned, this can be very triggering! It has pretty graphic scenes of IV meth use.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9zXLrKcHXI


----------



## Georgie25

Yeah I seen that one too, pretty crazy! Was surpised how much money they get with their welfare i guess it was every couple weeks or so then spend it all on ice binge then crash until their next money comes in.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Yep, I get around $250 (NZ dollars) a week on my welfare, but here in New Zealand meth is expensive, and that money isn't nearly enough to fund a heavy addiction, like the one I had. I was having to resort to other ways to earn money and score my fix. Fortunately those days are now behind me.


----------



## Sweet P

Fuck! The whole universe is against me! I was having such a good day, until I unexpectedly ran into an old associate while I was in the city. He was absolutely fried on meth, kept hassling me and wouldn't leave me alone. Now I'm totally triggered... I feel like I'm back at square one with my cravings. All I wanna do now is go out and score a bag.


----------



## Jabberwocky

Sweet P said:


> Fuck! The whole universe is against me! I was having such a good day, until I unexpectedly ran into an old associate while I was in the city. He was absolutely fried on meth, kept hassling me and wouldn't leave me alone. Now I'm totally triggered... I feel like I'm back at square one with my cravings. All I wanna do now is go out and score a bag.



don't do it. just think about some of your previous posts. don't you feel good being able to kick a habit many people cant? how long have u been sober now?


----------



## Jabberwocky

i get 60 10mg IR's...i usually plan on doing them once a week. like tonight i did 50 or 60mg's because i knew i had studying to do. i hope mine doesnt turn into an addition, and maybe leading me to meth and waht not.


----------



## Gormur

It sounds simple, but the easiest way for me to avoid my old habits is to gain new ones.. like while i was in rehab i was working basically all day everyday, for nothing (it paid my rent), but i felt better about myself cause i was helping others while helping myself to change

Now that i'm out in the world again, i don't have that much work & my thoughts are coming back, but i have way more control over them now.. 

I'm looking into group classes at a church (i'm not really into that scene, but the values taught there give me a better foundation than what i had) & volunteer work for when i'm not getting paid work

Cause even if i don't get paid, at least i'm helping someone else & meeting positive people that provide a better influence


----------



## DeLee

Im just interested, watching documentaries and the show Intervention about smoking Methamphetamine.
The people doesn't really look high after smoking the meth.

Like, the people in my city (which has a very large number of Amphetamine addicts) whom I have gotten to know and did drugs with.
After a line of Amphetamine or a IV shot you are really wired, talking fast like hell and talk MUCH about nothing. 

Body movements increase and you can tell when a person is on speed.
People who smoke meth almost seem calm - why?


----------



## Gormur

^ smoking meth is really chill, mainly because it crosses the BBB more readily than regular d-amp, so it feels _smoother_ - you just get the mental effects without the physical side effects that d-amp gives you.. + it's more euphoric

that's why it's more addictive too


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

I slipped up. Minor set back. I was drunk and before I could comprehend the situation I was in, It was literally being racked up. :S 

All good now, except some guilt afterward.


----------



## Sweet P

^ Yeah, I've slipped up this week too. I used a couple of times, and made several new dealers in the process. Sometimes I feel like I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage all my efforts to get clean. But at least tonight I'm going to stay with my partner for a few days, so that should put me back on track! I don't want this "lapse" to be a total "relapse".


----------



## Sweet P

DeLee said:


> Im just interested, watching documentaries and the show Intervention about smoking Methamphetamine.
> The people doesn't really look high after smoking the meth.
> 
> Like, the people in my city (which has a very large number of Amphetamine addicts) whom I have gotten to know and did drugs with.
> After a line of Amphetamine or a IV shot you are really wired, talking fast like hell and talk MUCH about nothing.
> 
> Body movements increase and you can tell when a person is on speed.
> People who smoke meth almost seem calm - why?



It could just be a tolerence thing. Nowadays I can smoke a large amount of crystal and appear completely sober (except maybe for talking more then usual!). The same amount, years ago, would have made me look obviously spun.


----------



## claire22

Haven't touched meth in a whole year now. Thanks, jail


----------



## blahman8000

Last year I was popping/snorting amphetamines (Adderall) all day, every day. I'd never sleep and I'd never eat. The comedowns were horrifying, especially when I didn't have booze. When you're always strung out and/or drunk, your mind goes through some disturbing changes. I finally wound up in the hospital with my heart rate jacked.

I used to feel like I was on top of the world when I first started getting spun. Slowly the experience became more destructive, and at the same time I was feeling less and less capable of stopping. I'll (hopefully) never touch an upper again.


----------



## DeLee

Amphetamines was never my DOC (it was Heroin) but slamming a huge dose of amphetamine(street powder) was very euphoric. Especially if you were drunk before and not ready for such massive injektion.

One time i got home to a dear friend and a dealer was there just before me and forgot to take his shot so they gave the liquid to me saying I can have it and it shouldn't be that strong.

Well, the shot contained like a gram of potent amphetamine. Boy, was i wired.. he he.
Anyway, Amphetamine comedowns has never felt BAD for me, I have friends who wanna die on the comedowns but I never felt any negative effects from Amphetamine.

The worst I felt was when I used to extracted the main ingredient (Methylphenidate) from Concerta and injekt.. felt good at the time but the day after is horrible.

And thanks for your replies to my earlier qustion!


----------



## sam123

175 days sober from slamming meth.  I was addicted to meth coke and crack for 3 years for some reason i felt i needed the upper to feel normal.  i have horrible ADHD and take vyvanse daily i never abuse it but without it life doesnt seem right.  So i dont really know what to do at least i havent shot meth or coke in 175 days but i dont wanna take amphs every day till i ide...  Im a full time student with a great social life ( i smoke marijuana) but still feel like i have nothign to do and thats when i crave...


----------



## ice-zephyr

I spent around 3 months smoking nearly every day, occasionally 10-15 days in a row with forced sleep throughout, because i spent a lot of time alone due to being 17.. 
but I tried to quit around august 16th? after using prob 5 times in 2 weeks, my record since starting, and lasted a week before i spent a few days up, then quit for 3 more weeks.
Now im using only on weekends, and find it relatively manageable. I plan on reducing even further, though, since in the past 4 months ive lost 30-35 pounds, and been smoking an average of 3 packs everytime i smoke any, not to mention never doing anything active for very long and the stigma plus damage of relationships with family.
Meth is no joke, wish i wouldve never hit that pipe back on may 22nd.


----------



## Gormur

**hAyzzZZ** said:


> I slipped up. Minor set back. I was drunk and before I could comprehend the situation I was in, It was literally being racked up. :S
> 
> All good now, except some guilt afterward.




That's a big part of why i steer clear of booze now. It's always gotten me into trouble - mainly because i hate being drunk, so to escape the drunk feeling i'd get high on whatever came in front of me- coke, meth, benzos, opiates, etc


----------



## atlguy

taking adderall was literally suicidal for me.  I first took it for golf, having scored the best round of my life when I was on it, then I started taking it for school, and got diagnosed as having "ADD."  I am sure there are people that are legitimately ADD but for me it was just to gain an edge.  

I went to a private school where tons of kids took adderall and ritalin, and they all hated it.  The ones that were on it had been on it because their parents basically ADD'd them when they were about 10.  

AFter eight months I was snorting it because everyone in my fraternity did and I thought it was normal.  I always had a little bit on me at all times (usually in my back left pocket) just to have.  I literally killed myself while taking this. The only thing it did was help me focus for longer on things I wasn't interested in.  

I crave it when I studied for finals, and now I am so glad I am clean and my grades improved.  It is a shame that other people out there will make the same mistake, take adderall, have initial success, only to become dependent on it later.  I guess that's the way it is.


----------



## oldkaw

A clear flag of someone who really has ADD verses the guy who goes to a doc bluffing for drugs is the real ADD kid often could care less if he has them or not. I had a standing offer from a doc to script them and took months to drag my ass in for an appointment. I use it as a tool, not a miracle drug. If you stay within a normal therapeutic range, you build tolerance so fast you can hardly tell you've taken anything. The utility of the med continues, however. Just don't bump up the dose. Self control is the biggest player in this dance.


----------



## puckboy

oldkaw said:


> A clear flag of someone who really has ADD verses the guy who goes to a doc bluffing for drugs is the real ADD kid often could care less if he has them or not. I had a standing offer from a doc to script them and took months to drag my ass in for an appointment. I use it as a tool, not a miracle drug. If you stay within a normal therapeutic range, you build tolerance so fast you can hardly tell you've taken anything. The utility of the med continues, however. Just don't bump up the dose. Self control is the biggest player in this dance.



Very true.  Dexamphetamine _is_ and should be used as a tool, just like morphine is a tool to reduce physical pain in someone.  I'm aware of my own failings in regard to using the prescribed/therapeutic dose at *all* times so I have my d-amp dispensed daily (40mg IR per day).  Doesn't stop me saving 1 or 2 tabs each day so eventually I can abuse them, but it definitely stops an intense binge upon filling my script (300x 5mg d-amp IR tablets).


----------



## Seanjay

*I've been clean from amps/stims for three months*

Here's a rap I wrote today. 

Contains reference to IV'ing


*NSFW*: 




Amped.

_They bind us, by all this shit that doesn’t define us,

laws in place that constrict thought and try to confine us

the story of a guy whose choices get taken out of context, they hex he gets vexed and then he writes text on the walls,

tells the story of it all, about his life his pain and strife with a knife self defense against his crazy wife,

and the same blade he used to slice her fine, was the same blade he used to cut his lines

but he’s willing to pay the price for paradise a baggie of fine white crystal ice that’ll definitely get him nice

and what about tomorrow? That isn’t a thought when crashing has him in sorrow.

And he progresses to the needle, that quick rush, instant blush speaking rapid mush.

One you start to inject, when you’re sick it’s impossible to reject from a so called friend a rig full of gear.

Now everyday he lives his life in fear, knowing that the end is near._


----------



## iceicebaby

L-tyrosine and a good multivitamin (with biotin for hair and skin health) were lifesavers for my quitting. I would also recommend 60mg of coenzyme Q10 for heart health and antioxidant qualities. With the benzos, I stuck with 1 mg daily of ativan for a week and then didnt use them anymore. I also found a great sponsor and support group. Good luck to all here and congrats to everyone who is working on taking control back.


----------



## pamalamadingdong

panic in paradise said:


> "This is the Speed/Meth/Amphetamines MEGA Thread. This thread will focus on the unique challenges and problems caused by amphetamine dependence. Talk about your struggles with psychosis, battle to get clean and generally get support here!"
> 
> - chicpoena
> 
> JUST TO ADD THE BASIC RULES HERE:
> - no advocating anything in the amphetamine family
> - think of wat u say wen u post.....diffrent ppl here r at diffrent stages of recovery - cud u b triggering a lapse/relapse by something u say
> - no personal attacks.....plz PM the mods if u r upset by something a user has said.....we can usually sort it out
> - this thread is about addiction, for addicts.....if ur not an addict, u r welcome to hav ur piece to say, but it must b helpful for us who r suffering from amphetamine addiction
> -support/advice/(negative) experiences and ur offering help to others is the basis of this thread
> - if u find ur post isnt here, high chance its been deleted cos u didnt read these rules properly



Pre-information:  I was on adderall, ritalin, and/or cylert medically from age 9 - 22.

I started out on ice.  That was my first drug.  Oct 2002 was my first taste. By May 2005 I tried my first needle.  Which led to hanging around people that cooked it.  Which led to leaving home.  Which led to basically being otherwise homeless.  Which led to getting in lots of trouble.  I almost got killed.  I got raped.  I had a lot of fake friends.  I was hungry a lot.  But I guess when I had dope, things were okay?  Or so I thought... By Nov 2005 there was nothing left for me to mess up, so I left the city I was in ... to start a new ... 4 hours north. That was the last time I used before I found it again, in my new city.  The second time around was different.  The intent was not to self-destruct like I had last time.  Sure enough though [time period end of 2007 / beginning of 2008], it was all I wanted to do (besides to go work -- I had a nice job as a therapist).  Eventually I put the needle down, for good, and just went to smoking it.  And then, I went to GHB (which is a whole other story).  But I finally reached a point where I said -- you know what, I just can't get all spun anymore.  I need to come back to reality and quit tweaking.  So to anyone out there that went thru the struggle, good luck.  You can quit, you just have to WANT to.


----------



## deadhead507461

I have not used for 6 months up until two days ago.

My best friends 19th birthday.. Last time I used was with him 6 months ago.. 
We ended up getting some shard and we all (6) didn't sleep for 36+ hours after snorting.

Today, two days later I had my best friend go get me a bag because I was fending so hard. I have smoked 90% of it since 4pm (12 hrs ago) and now trying to save the rest to get me thru the withdrawal in about 5 hours (8am).

What do i do? Taper dosage to comedown easier and not fiend so bad?
Throw it away now and smash my pipe and go thru hell withdrawal in a few hours?
Any advice please.

I was able to quit for 6 months ... 
Is this a relapse??


----------



## Sweet P

^ Most of us have setbacks in our recoveries. Don't be too hard on yourself. Try to think of it as a lapse rather than a relapse. A lapse is basically "oops, I slipped up!" while a relapse is "fuck this shit, I'm giving up and I'm gonna start using again!" In my experience, tapering doesn't really work when it comes to a methamphetamine addiction. My advice would be to smash your pipe, flush whatever meth you have left down the toilet, and go through the withdrawals. Good luck!


----------



## elixir1

*focalin and benzos together?*

i'm new to posting so if i'm in the wrong area, please inform 

i was prescribed focalin today 10mg bid #60 by my pdoc. i am also on ativan, lexapro and tranxene for severe anxiety and panic attacks. i'm curious as to whether these will work independently (focalin and the 2 benzos) or will they cancel each other out?

i don't abuse the benzos and don't plan on railing the focalin. opiates are my weak point there. to which i might as well list everything i'm on in addition to the above:
lortab10 4x daily and then some
zanaflex 4mg 3x daily
phenergan 25 as needed
ambien 10 at night
trazodone 50-100 at night (chronic insomniac here)
ultram 50mg tid as needed

+ testosterone and b12 injecitons which i don't think would affect any of the above.

so... my main question focalin and ativan/tranxene... will they work together or against each other. i've heard of them prescribed before in comorbid anx/adhd cases. 

i realize i'm overmedicated esp for my age. 24... i just want to know if this focalin is gonna work or screw up my anxiety meds and send me into a tachycardic, sweaty, jittery spiral into panic before i take it.

thx


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

Im over the honeymoon "wow life is good without speed" phase. 

Im happy to be feeling somewhat of my old self again. But really, I want to go back to using. A fucking-lot. 

Im not finding as many reasons anymore to continue not using. My counsellor reccomended I write a list of reasons to use, and reasons to not, and how i feel during both. The reasons why I did, just look so utterly appealing to me right now. 

This shit never ends.


----------



## Jabberwocky

damn near 11 months free:D  

been my longest abstinence since i first started using.  damn proud of myself!

*pats myself on the back*


----------



## †∆†

I am a shell of myself without amphetamines. Even after the initial withdrawl period has ended, I still don't feel like I'm myself, or even a real person


----------



## FiatFlux

^^ i know EXACTLY what you mean


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

I'm doing better. Bad days are to be expected I suppose. 

Sept 4th was the last time I used. I visualize that day when I think back. That number really sticks out in my mind... Whenever I've stopped in the past the date I stop on isn't that significant, this time it's different. I'm hoping that's because this will be the beginning of turn around.


----------



## ugly

I have been searching through but I cannot find a meth thread that's just a regular meth thread. Do we only have a "recovery from meth" thread on Bluelight?

I just want to see what other meth users in situ were talking about.


----------



## silvercrimson

like anything it was fun in the beginning i smoked for years, and after a while it was doing nothing, so i started shooting it. i went into a dual diagnosis day program in 2003. i completed the program after 5 mos. i stayed sober for a little over a yr. thats the longest time in my life ive been sober. its not like i wanted to have fun and do big shots, i didint feel normal that whole time being sober. i didint feel right. of course i battle it daily, and its fucked. its been over 20 yrs. and ive found that its like a job you can never get fired from. when you go on the week long sleeping binge, or go to a program and get clean, you get laid off, however when the sleepings done and the sobriety gets thrown out of the window, its time to get back to work. who wants to do that- nobody, but you have to. i dont ever use the word quit. i dont mean to offend anyone or sound negative, but ive found that 6% out of 100% actually make it. i started this little party when i was 14 yrs. old, i will be 39 in may. its still on. my advice to someone wanting to stop would be to recongnize it as a problem, and get help NOW, because if you dont before you know it years and years will go by, and it will happen so fast, you wont believe it. i still have clear memories of trips that seem like just yesterday, or last month, when in all actuality, its been years. it not only sucks shit being on this stuff, its a fucking day in and day out job. sad but true, its disquting thats its me, and lets hope its not you.


----------



## PinK~cloud

ive been dealing with no amphetamine for the past few days and It's so hard.  any tips to help me get through the withdrawals faster? Thanks for the support guys


----------



## Rexeh

..:: removed ::..


----------



## ugly

Rexeh said:


> Thanks for the helpful replies...     8)
> 
> Because you meth/speedheads seem to ignore 'a simple kiddie druggie' who tries to find a place to find help and only could find this thread... it might be an 'inferior drug and addiction' but I just recovered from my 2nd failed suicide attempt since noone took my binging etc, serious.
> 
> I might mix 300 mg MPH and 150 mg Oxy together and sniff my way to death... fuck life...
> 
> farewell... o/



Don't be tripping off what posters here say! They are probably alts anywaz!!!


----------



## ugly

And mixing meth and oxy is such a bad idea. i got so sick trying to use opiates on the way down. that's my experience with it at least. I pm'd you.


----------



## footscrazy

Rexeh said:


> Thanks for the helpful replies...     8)
> 
> Because you meth/speedheads seem to ignore 'a simple kiddie druggie' who tries to find a place to find help and only could find this thread... it might be an 'inferior drug and addiction' but I just recovered from my 2nd failed suicide attempt since noone took my binging etc, serious.
> 
> I might mix 300 mg MPH and 150 mg Oxy together and sniff my way to death... fuck life...
> 
> farewell... o/



I can't even find your original post but I doubt you're being ignored, this thread gets pretty quiet sometimes. I have no experience with methylphenidate at all but addiction is addiction and I don't think it's a matter of anyone thinking their addiction is more legit than yours, and if they do who cares, they haven't walked in your shoes. BL can be helpful but don't put so much weight on it that it drives you to suicide if you don't get the replies you want, that's worrying, but I hope you're doing better.


----------



## Rexeh

Sorry for my drunken outburst,  I feel bad about it and would like to offer my apologies to everyone here. I was not able to think clearly due to current issues which I have to solve IRL, not by posting stupid and angry stuff that does not solve anything.  I really regret doing so and want to say that it was not my intent to do so but Vodka & forums do not mix very well... 

I have already sought professional help now and I wish life will get better for both myself and all of you. I feel really ashamed now but this 'cry for help' was very, very wrong and due to a variety of substances, I was out of control and apologize once again for my outburst. 

I have never made a post like this and will try to make sure it will never happen again.  Hopefully I will be able to contribute to BL again when I sorted out my life, thanks for your replies and PM's BTW, they are appreciated and give me hope.  Respect 




 -- Peace o/


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

Soo fucking *torn* right now. 

Outpatient has worked, and is going wonderfully for me... Yet the better I feel, the more of an uncontrollable urge I feel to go out and use again. 

And not just any use. I'm picturing a full fucking blow out binge. Haha and I am actually rationalizing this; see; I feel better from outpatient, 3 months of hard work... So I assume I can handle this. I know i can't. I know I will ruin all my good work. Yet, in my head, it seems such a flawless plan. There are no consequences, no come downs, nothing... 

Fuck.


----------



## isaballsack

sigh,reading some posts in this thread makes me think how much i FUCKED UP by taking that first hit.
all the stories you hear are true.but telling them to someone dont do no good.they gotta see it first hand,like im sure every meth addict has done.its the only way of really knowing meth isnt a joke.


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

^ You have to learn from your own mistakes.  Even if I had someone showing me video of what I would end up doing... I would laugh and completely brush it off.


----------



## 8ft-Sativa

I have never been in the deep end of the pool with Meth .... it was always a quick fling before access to those pretty crystals ceased.

IF I had constant access to Meth i'm sure it would be different .... 

It changes peoples character when used long term ... it turns even the kindest souls into emotionless shells of who the once were ... speaking from experience.

But at the same time it did provide some pretty fucking memorable times! ... I cannot deny that.

... A quick fling with the stuff is magic ... but I feel and understand what it must be like to have 100% access to it ....


----------



## Legerity

**hAyzzZZ** said:


> Soo fucking *torn* right now.
> 
> Outpatient has worked, and is going wonderfully for me... Yet the better I feel, the more of an uncontrollable urge I feel to go out and use again.
> 
> And not just any use. I'm picturing a full fucking blow out binge. Haha and I am actually rationalizing this; see; I feel better from outpatient, 3 months of hard work... So I assume I can handle this. I know i can't. I know I will ruin all my good work. Yet, in my head, it seems such a flawless plan. There are no consequences, no come downs, nothing...
> 
> Fuck.



How long have you been off of meth, has it been those entire 3 months?  Even if not be proud that you're putting in so much effort to improve your life  

What other ways have you learned to work through your emotions?


----------



## godlovesugly

meth is destroying my life. i wish i never tried it, never took that first hit. out of all the drugs ive done, meth is by far the worst. im more of a downers person. but i started hanging out with this guy i met in AA. we met 10 months ago and ever since, all we do is get high together. hes a life long tweaker. now i am trapped, i am chained to this addiction to meth. there is nothing like it, nothing more powerful than this [in my opinion]. i do not know how to stop.


----------



## anonymiss

footscrazy said:


> ^^ I agree, exercise_ is _really good. It's about
> Video games I can't get into - attention span is waay to short, I never even get past learning the instructions.



same here


----------



## aeorowar

So I smoked meth for the first time a few nights ago,
since then I've spent a ridiculous amount of money on drugs (Just under 1k),

Smoked it again,
met dodgy people,
invested in things with no return
been accused of physically assaulting a girl.

I am not new to stimulants, I have used and abused dex before...
But this is differen't

Its been one week and I've already had 3 binges.

I am benzo'd out now, catching up on lost days. 
How do I stay away from it, forever ? Get back to routine, gym...work..*sober* friends (Who I find incredibly hard to relate to, I am on a differen't level because of drug use)... ?

Reading this thread makes it seem like trying ot stay away is even pointless? eeek.

I have tried almost every drug, but meth and this ROA seems like a completley differen't ballgame.


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

I wont bore you with any "stay the fuck away" propaganda. You have to find out for yourself just how bad it can get, if not already  

I assure you, it *just gets worse*.


----------



## ugly

Dang. I'm sorry it's running over you. That sucks. I guess I'd be in the same boat if I could get it. I can only find it on occasion. I have random, universal limitations....


----------



## aeorowar

I just read a few pages of this thread and its kind of scary...

How do  I stay away from Meth ? I have tried almost every type of drug, and am wired to naturally need stimulants to function. 

I have seen people before me waste their lives on the drug;and I am realizing I am literally  *surrounded* by the drug. 

Do I need to physically escape to a differen't place, ? Otherwise, I feel it is inevitable to use. There is no honeymoon peroid with this drug, it straight out turns me into a maniac. 

How is everyone ?


----------



## Blennz

That post about video games. I was the same, just recently for a period of maybe 4 months+~ i never played any video games or watched tv or movies. Or properly atleast. When i became sober for a month i liked my alone time and found balance in going out and partying while being able to enjoy watching movies without getting bored and turning it off because i had no attention spam.


----------



## aeorowar

bump bump bump zzzz


----------



## KamMoye

haven't used since oct. 15th (and didn't use two weeks prior to that) but finding myself craving some. had a couple of very intense (and pleasurable) dreams about meth the past week or two as well. 

pretty healthy person, exercise regularly and watch what i eat, just surprised it's taking so long to go away. when does it go away, if ever?


----------



## Legerity

What do you think you need to do?  Are you living with other people that use meth, or are all your friends using it?  If you feel that your living situation is contributing to your use then you need to evaluate for yourself what you are willing to change in order to stay off of it.





aeorowar said:


> I just read a few pages of this thread and its kind of scary...
> 
> How do  I stay away from Meth ? I have tried almost every type of drug, and am wired to naturally need stimulants to function.
> 
> I have seen people before me waste their lives on the drug;and I am realizing I am literally  *surrounded* by the drug.
> 
> Do I need to physically escape to a differen't place, ? Otherwise, I feel it is inevitable to use. There is no honeymoon peroid with this drug, it straight out turns me into a maniac.
> 
> How is everyone ?


----------



## isaballsack

**hAyzzZZ** said:


> I wont bore you with any "stay the fuck away" propaganda. You have to find out for yourself just how bad it can get, if not already
> 
> I assure you, it *just gets worse*.


so much truth in those words.
noone ever believes it till they see it.&most are too far gone by the time they see it.i think i am.


----------



## jess10cc's

*Although*

Although i have nothing positive that has come from a result of using and have brought only grief into my life i honestly don't feel or see an ending to my career in the tweek, I have done the treatment centers and whole heartedly made the effort but even then i still knew i was going to use, I used to think that some major event will happen in my life that will make me say OK THAT'S IT! But i find myself back here.So now i try to keep myself from litting it overflow my cup. Although i struggle with my vices i still have to be responsible for myself and mine. I guess i'm not really looking if there is anybody with a solution, more like understanding. anyways......


----------



## complacent88

*Meth long-term side effects??*

I've been clean since Oct 2009, but noticed I've become EXTREMELY lazy....my house is a disaster, I have no desire/ambition anymore...I wasn't a hardcore user, only once in awhile on wknds....but I got SO much done around the house, now I don't know where to start with my clutter everywhere....is this normal?? I hate being this way!!!


----------



## Sweet P

I seem to be more fucked up when I'm coming off meth than when I'm on it, even on a long binge with no sleep or food for days. I finally had a decent sleep last night, and haven't had any meth today, but my head is incredibly messed up.


----------



## cAkEnOoB

Im a new member to this forum. I've just registered coz i find threads in this forum very interesting and maybe i could share my experience and knowledge. =)

(I've got a lot of things running in my mind to share, but keeping in mind abt this thread's rules.)

Shall keep it very short and will elaborate further if i need to.

I've been on and off meth since Sept 2009 (first try), up till today. It started off normal, as first timers don't really know what high it brings. On the first try, i thought i was gonna try this shit and just enjoy myself and my friends whom thought me how to use it, and was never gonna do it again.

They said it wasn't addictive at all, and its all abt the mindset. Of course, they lied or they never really got addicted to it due to the rare usage of it OR (now i know aft years of experience using the drug), denying that it was not addictive actual fact that it was. Living in denial.

Sorry got carried away with sharing my experience.
Okay keeping it short and simple, now.

I started off using it rarely, and then occasionally (denying that it's still not addictive though i realized that ive been using it more often) then weekly, with few months of break in between sessions, then quite frequently not daily with less then a month of break in between sessions to, daily with MAYBE a day OR two without it (when it starts to bring me the negative feeling of being down and "im digging my own grave if i continue to use it this often") of course i know for the fact that im digging my own grave every single time im using it. 

(It all happens very slowly over a few years. Im just summarizing all of it.)

And now, (quite recently. early this month) im using it daily without any breaks. I actually need it everyday to feel normal without the negative aftereffects of using it daily, IMPACTING me drastically.

My dosage is not at all high. Of course i would take more if i wanted to feel high from it (a high that would : that would make me not feel relaxed and calm, eyes running 100miles/hr,obsessive, etc..)

But 80% of the time i chose not to climb high, i need to take a few tiny bowls in the morning, everyday without fail. (just feel normal with maybe just a slight little euphoria). And maybe again in the late afternoon if i choose to maintain that slight euphoric feeling. My dosage everyday is actually < than .1. To be very detailed, only 2 to 3 small stones in one session, to feel normal.

I've been wanting to quit coz it affected me negatively. (Mentally im still very good but physically im in bad shape. Due to not eating and that shit ate away my cheeks real fast).
I'm already a slim-build person naturally, and by smoking it made it worse.

I really need to stop doing it, ever again hopefully but i just cant find any ways in which i could do so. 
I've tried many times but only time will tell. I soon relapse again.

Although I don't do it quite frequently, when i did relapse, (maybe once a few weeks if things go well and IF dopamine and serotonin chose NOT to fuck the negative feeling hell out of me), very soon it will be to where i was.

Things that triggered me:

The desire to feel extra good,well-being which cant be felt naturally.
Dealers that text-ed me when their stocks have replenished.
Negative side effect of withdrawal. (not being able to wake up early in the morning and head to college, feeling sucky, etc..)

Any very good ideas that fits my situation?
I don't want to stop using it, hopefully ever again. I just dont wish to.
I tried not to use it for days maybe weeks or months but i just cant seem to stop using it at all. Once i relapsed, it will surely get the better off me and i'll feel something's missing when i don't smoke it when i woke up and head for the shower.

Because of the side effects of meth(when i dont have it), im unable to get off early from bed and because of looking forward to do meth, im able to do so. It somehow made me think that its a source of motivation. By doing what im supposed to do daily, instead of lazing around and just sleep. 
Coz now, i don't have the time for the withdrawal effects, as i need to head to college very early in e morning. And i hate the feeling of depression and super down and sucky once i leave meth to rest. I'm loving love the normal feeling plus a slight euphoric.

What the hell should i do? Im super fucked by it and dont want it to fuck my future.

PS: I took back my words of keeping it short. Got carried away, a little obsession.

I still have not shared the crazy times and experience of my life due to using it, but i'll save it for a diff thread maybe.


----------



## cAkEnOoB

hmm no replies? how nice and welcoming this is.


----------



## cAkEnOoB

"Taking just one, if you are like me, is going to bring you right back to those hopeless, regretful and painful feelings again and these feelings will be multiplied." - quoted

YES YES YES! That's the fucking exact feeling ill have when im doing it again. Just one tiny piece of shit (of course in reality that would not happen, it'll be dozens more), would change my mindset from positive to a total negative and total darkness. I tried to overcome that but it just doesn't help by lying to myself that im fine.

Idk mate. I've been off it for 5 days and to me it's been a long time since i had it. I'll spent most of daytime sleeping and waking up only in late afternoon. -.-

I guess so too, that my recreational usage days are over. Coz everytime when i have it, i'll tend to drag it for as long as i possibly could. No more "okay, today is the time to enjoy". now "okay, why enjoy for 1 day, when you can get high every single day? thats brilliant!"

Most of my close mates,they'll tend to offer me at some random time. And i just couldn't fucking push it away. Thats insanely hard coz i know i want it.
I could stop it for day or perhaps weeks, but i know that day will come where ill just take it due to long awaited cravings, and fuck up the entire recovery process/progress.

"Its a hard thing to accept and, personally, I went through a mourning stage. I wanted to use but knew I couldn't" - quoted

For me, its hard to accept but i dont think twice when i wanna use it. And there's no such thing as couldn't for me. If i wanted it badly, ill fucking get it right away by hook or by crook. 

Perhaps that's the diff btw coke and ice?

*I've stopped for 4 days now. Finally im feeling like a normal human being, doing daily activities w/o the influence of ice. lol*


----------



## cAkEnOoB

Hey OverDone!

jyeah thanks mate for those support.

I visited a picture thread in TDS a couple of minutes ago.
Wow they're all full of personalities i will say. Cool shit people and homes.

And you sir, wow. 
I've seen ur pic, and no u really don't look like one who uses meth. lol.
thought you're just a moderator here. guess i was wrong. ^^

thanks for the support. man this little forum down here could make me strong just by readin em.


----------



## cAkEnOoB

yea i've seen improvements in myself, but those changes are too tiny for me to notice the difference. maybe ill just have to wait a lil longer to see it for myself.

idk. i may stop for weeks or MOST to MOST a month. im afraid that aft that period, i might use it again and end up back to square one. like a circle of never endings. =/

So far, its been going great. ^^


----------



## footscrazy

That cycle of quitting then using again is very common, I've been using for 7 years but wanting to quit for the last two - I know how discouraging it can be to do your best to quit only to end up using again. It can make you feel pretty discouraged the next time you try and stop. I know I find it really hard to be proud of anytime I spend off, because I don't want to let myself down even further when I use again.

I do believe though each time you quit you get better at it. You know what to expect. I know now that quitting from daily use will leave me in bed for a week very sore, followed by a week of insomnia. I know from experience now that getting those overwhelming cravings doesn't mean it's all over, and that in a few days I might feel completely different.

I'm a month off heavy use right now and I feel so much better. I decided to stop again because I went for a walk around the block and could hardly make it without physically collapsing from exhaustion. While meth motivates you in the first place soon it makes you completely apathetic and completely kills motivation. Paying bills a month ago seemed an insurmountable task, now I'm getting that shit done and that feels good.

I don't know if this will be the time I stay off for good, I hope so, but regardless, using again wont negate the time I've had off, it's still worth it.


----------



## cAkEnOoB

I won't even know if i could ever break that cycle and be free from it ever. It's way off my mind right now. Guess that not how im supposed to see things. So, im breaking it down for now. Im taking small tiny steps, just keeping myself busy and distract myself from thinking of it.

Since the day i stopped, i had these weird dreams of it. lol. and every single day it tends to get worse.
ystd in fact, i dreamt that i found this huge chuck of ice and i smoke it like nobody's business. lol. and i keep thinking of it till i get myself busy with things. damn that was tempting. lol.
and yea, with dealers still bugging me, its twice as hard. 

i've just met a close friend of mine whose dealing, ystd and he's talking abt it like telling wonderful stories of it and showed me some big chucks of it. i think if i had enuff money, i would've bought it at that instant. thank god i didn't. ^^

yea it nice here in this forum, with people caring and showing support. i've never actually met anything like this before. yea you know with people sharing their point of view and experiences, its a good place to gain knowledge.

FC : you're still using it? reality hunts me down like a fucking piece of crap every single time i fail and reflect. and yet fail again. it must have been really fucking hard for you to be coping with all of its madness. how did you managed to go thru all these, you must have balls of steel.
if i were in your shoes, i think motivation would be so negative, it penetrates right thru me.


----------



## godlovesugly

hey cAkEnOoB, just wanted you to know i understand how you feel...

been an addict for 7 years. a meth user for 1 year now. had a month clean, but relapsed. went on a 2-3 day binge. by the end of the binge, i went home and spent HOURS peeking out my window convinced that the cops were coming. i was so fuckin paranoid i flushed all my old baggies and hid my pipes in the backyard. stupid. no fuckin cops came btw.

i said fuck this shit and stopped. AGAIN. oh and also the meth dreams are very common and will happen when you stop using....they should go away or atleast dissipate a lil as time goes by...

my friend who lives 5 seconds from me and who used with me on my relapse keeps hitting my phone up constantly. like 20x a day askin me if i wanna get high or want dope. he texts me constantly. he even said yesterday "im coming over to your house." he didnt...but i was like wtf. time to change my phone number for real.

thats how i relapsed last time. its what always happens. i get a text saying "wanna get high?" then boom. takes me 2 seconds to respond and soon as i know it, i got the pipe in my mouth.

ive had my thing with all drugs in the past. im on suboxone now for OC/heroin addiction.  alcohol, coke, pills, hallucinogens, whatever...ive never had a harder time with any other drug, than with meth. i just cant stay away from it completely. but i know that i HAVE TO. i have to. things get very dark, very fast for me with meth...

with meth, i lose my mind. i lose my looks. i lose my sanity. i lose EVERYTHING. i dont want it anymore.

learning that i need to surround myself with people who arent using. i need to change my number. i need to do these things if i want to stay clean.


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## brenl

*Thank you.*

Just a note to everyone on the site:

Just reading all of the comments you guys have put on this thread is very motivating for me. I'm currently using and have been for about a year. I really am starting to understand what someone earlier meant when they explained that you don't notice the negative things about meth until you're really hooked on it. It's so true. Everything is so positive at first, then takes a drastic change for the worse... but by this time you need it to even get out of bed in the morning...

I'm sure we all know how this feels to some degree, or are nearing it in the future. (Sad, but true.. there will always be new addicts that have to learn for themselves)

I'm attending school full time beginning in September and I'll have to quit then because I won't be able to afford it due to not working full time.. either that or quit school. Wish me luck whenever I set my date. But it'll take a lot more than just luck.

BTW I really enjoyed that post near the beginning with advice on how to quit. It's inspired me to write up my own "guide" to quit and I highly recommend that every individual writes up his/her own guide to quit. It helps to break things down into easy, manageable tasks. 

My guide includes time off work, vitamins, the placement of positive distractors (guitar, music, crosswords, word-searches, books, painting, drawing, etc.), and the importance and benefits of exercising. Also I included a list of numbers to erase from my phone, and numbers to keep on speed dial. I even put what kind of environment ill need.. in my case I need solitude the first few weeks. No noise, no stress. I put that my room, (the detox room) will need to be cleaned before hand to avoid another source of stress... clean sheets, all my laundry done, real tidy environment. I even included some little ideas for each day like "you're going feel shitty, it's normal. It's all part of the process"

While this may sound complex I've organized it in such a way that it's easy to read and follow. Having a too complex guide can cause more stress if you fail to follow it exactly. Just thought I'd share my guide with you all, I highly recommend it, and I'd be happy to help you write your own.

Also the realization that if I do relapse, to not beat myself up over it. We can't beat ourselves up over it. Time clean is never wasted... even if it seems that way with all the sleeping.

This site is pretty awesome because of the people that are on it. Some posts and threads slip through the cracks and are nonsense, incorrect, promoting the use of drugs, hurtful, or just plain lunacy, but when you stop and think about it for a forum that is mainly used by "drugged out junkies" there is an abundance of intelligent, meaningful, thoughtful and insightful pieces of text.

Whether an active addict or inactive we should give ourselves a pat on the back for not being the stereotypical users, and still preserving our ability to interact with society and to function.. At least with each-other. But that in itself is proof that we are human and that we are equal to everyone else. We are a society, a society to call our own, we are human beings on this earth and it's real nice to know that we are never alone. No matter how desperate things seem. 

It might just be a forum, or it might be something more.

But all of us are never alone.

For this, blue-light members, I thank you.


----------



## Mr-Tambourine-Man

I posted this in the earlier to a member inquiring if meth was ok for weekend use...

Um, no it is not ok to do on weekends. Do you feel alert? Confident? Motivated? Energized? Like a 6 year-old on Christmas morning? If Christmas could come every weekend, any 6 year-old would be thrilled. But what if it could come every day, but you thought it would be more special if Santa only came around on Friday and Saturday for a little yuletide binge? Well... maybe he could also come Wednesdays too, right? But only on Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. Sure, that'd be ok. But Wednesday was so much fun and it would be a bummer to clean up all this wrapping paper when you can just say the word and turn this big mess into more presents and Christmas cheer. Yay, Christmas on Thursday! But now the mess is huge and Thursday IS right before Friday, right? Christmas is allowed to come on Friday and the living room looks like someone dropped an atom bomb on the jolly fat man's workshop. Ok, ok, we'll just celebrate Christmas through Saturday, then go back to the normal schedule, maybe even drop Wednesdays. Shit, what happened? It has been Christmas for six years now. You can't think of opening another present without barfing but you have no reason to get up in the morning if you can't try to recapture the elation of rushing down the stairs to see your Christmas bounty. Every morning you think to yourself, "This time, yes, this time I'll feel the magic again." Sorry bud, the magic is gone. Nothing for you but a lump of coal and a switch. Christmas fuckin' sucks.


----------



## Mr-Tambourine-Man

And it is wonderful to see recovery on these boards.  I'm coming on five months and have never been so happy.


----------



## rhymetoker

Mr-Tambourine-Man said:


> Shit, what happened? It has been Christmas for six years now. You can't think of opening another present without barfing but you have no reason to get up in the morning if you can't try to recapture the elation of rushing down the stairs to see your Christmas bounty. Every morning you think to yourself, "This time, yes, this time I'll feel the magic again." Sorry bud, the magic is gone. Nothing for you but a lump of coal and a switch. Christmas fuckin' sucks.



Exactly.  I'm so fucking sick of trying to recapture the magic.  I'm dangerously close to letting this shit completely take over my life.  It's slowly starting to come apart at the seams.  School, work, relationships, my emotional and physical health- I'm hanging on to all these things by a thread.  And yet I keep fucking with this shit.  Fuck meth.


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## brenl

Yeah.. shit's terrible. Just... one.... more.... gift... And I'll be ok.

NOTT

Christmas does fuckin' suck.


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## ugly

nevermind I get it


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## crystalserenity

I need to bump this into my subscribed threads.


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## HeStoops2Conquer

Thank you Wingnutlives, for your suggestions on meth recovery via nutrition awhile back. I'm new on the block and now see i have 20 plus pages to review!  I was pleased to see that I already incorporate many of your food recs into my life. My biggest challenge is that not having health insurance what alternative over the counter supplements can I incorporate if need be. I'm sure the answer is somewhere here..so i am off on the hunt.


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## brenl

I would recommend a at least once a day multi-vitamin, omega fatty acids, and any supplements for anything your diet may be lacking. For example, protein shakes, vitamin c pills. Another thing to look into is i remembr reading about a natural tree root that stimulates the adrenal gland to help with energy. Might be something to look into.


----------



## Melinda724

I feel so inspired to see people's recovery stories. I've been using off and on since I was 16... I'm now 27. Prior to last December I had been sober about a year and a half. Life happens though and under a lot of pressure and stress at home and work I buckled and started again. Its gotten deeper this time because of the crowds I run with, you all know the type of people I'm talking about, drama drama drama and shadiness. I've since lost my job because I didn't care, lost some friends I've known for years... actual usage has increased from every couple of days to pretty much daily. I look back on my life and I see it repeating itself. I've hit rock bottom before, I don't want to be there again.

Ironically, there is one good thing that came from all of this, and that is my husband. We met back in December... he was the one I bought from back then. He was a raver, not so much into the meth scene, but someone started him on it a few month previous and... well in the beginning, I think the addiction is really quite different than for someone who has been using as long as I have. We both have acknowledged that we probably need to stop smoking. We've gone as long as 2 weeks without it, but then we got bored and said what the heck lets get high. 

I don't want this to be our entire life... we just got married on St. Patrick's day in Vegas. We went there randomly and ended up staying for a week. It was so much fun and the best part is that we were not smoking for most of that time. So much laughing and good times. meth is evil. It sucks the emotions right out of you so there is nothing to feel, until the high wears off and lets the negative come back. At least, that's how I feel.

Sorry for the rant.. I just don't know how to stop for good. It's like I need to be high to be normal. I eat, sleep, everything and always high. When I'm not I get confused easily and I tend to drop things a lot... and I feel so ashamed of my weakness for this drug.


----------



## Jabberwocky

I got stuff on saturday night after wanting speed for a while. The week before that I had taken 2 1/2 xtc pills even though I take anti depressants. I know I shouldn't have of even bothered but I did for whatever known reason. Any how after these past 2 weeks my brain hasn't been the kindest to me. I have been feeling a bit out of it and am waiting to recover entirely but it still doesn't feel as if it has happened yet. 

Has anyone got some suggestions? Or perhaps am I over analysing the situation?


----------



## Tiesto

First time posting in this thread.  I'm almost 22, started using meth when I was about 16/17.  Only last year it got bad.  I ended up freaking out hard, insane paranoia and what not.  Yea, really bad.

Anyways, I'm proud to say I haven't touched it since mid November of last year.

I still get the urge to do it here and there.  Whether or not I'll do it again, who knows.  If I do end up using again, I can't use in the amounts and frequencies that I used too.  It took like 4 months for me to get back to "normal" after I had my massive freak outs.


----------



## hyroller

*better the devil you know? or more like, the one you wish you'd never know*



footscrazy said:


> While meth motivates you in the first place soon it makes you completely apathetic and completely kills motivation.



Spot on. Got to love the irony of that one, eh? And it becomes an all-too-familiar shelter of convenience because you can attribute all the things you neglect in your life down to one tidy problem: a habit; it's almost as if your mind (in all its scattered state) can make sense of the world by taking the easy route & allowing a single 'thing' or explanation to be held liable for your own actions.... and by blaming such behaviours on said habit, the pain of your past might seem somewhat more palatable, providing you with a 'valid' alternative to working through those issues so you can actually move on.

a meth habit, or at least, my habit - long having lost its real enjoyment or recreational value - is just a convenient means to and end of periodic self-torture that really has no logical basis when I allow myself to live healthily and take proper care of my physical, emotional, mental wellbeing. But quitting altogether requires a level of honesty to oneself that I am almost certain drugs have made me incapable of - if I can lie my way into this hole, this superficial existence within which all things center around one chemical alone - then how am I guaranteed to feel secure in the fact that I might be lying to myself about the 'need' to get better?

vicious cycle really....I have found the only thing that keeps recurring feelings of depression and anxiety (inevitably associated with long-term use) is daily exercise. and a steadfast determination to prove that self-deprecating voice inside your head wrong, once and for all, and stare right into the eyes of all your demons and show them who's boss.  It's amazing how little someone appreciates clean living until they've been to hell and back (sometimes many times) over an inanimate fucking man-made substance. 

in short: an addiction is the only explicable means of enabling the cycle of negativity and self-doubt. dealing with a single feeling of inadequacy is much simpler than tackling what you perceive to be a plethora of flaws underneath....but really, accepting those shortcomings for what they are and making a concerted effort to improve upon them, is a hell of a more satisfying way to spend the rest of one's life. it's all boils down to summoning enough courage to stick to your resolve, and seeking proper aid for the damage brought upon the brain from periods of use. it's all very simple in theory, eh?


----------



## Captain.Heroin

hyroller said:


> Spot on. Got to love the irony of that one, eh? And it becomes an all-too-familiar shelter of convenience because you can attribute all the things you neglect in your life down to one tidy problem: a habit; it's almost as if your mind (in all its scattered state) can make sense of the world by taking the easy route & allowing a single 'thing' or explanation to be held liable for your own actions.... and by blaming such behaviours on said habit, the pain of your past might seem somewhat more palatable, providing you with a 'valid' alternative to working through those issues so you can actually move on.
> 
> a meth habit, or at least, my habit - long having lost its real enjoyment or recreational value - is just a convenient means to and end of periodic self-torture that really has no logical basis when I allow myself to live healthily and take proper care of my physical, emotional, mental wellbeing. But quitting altogether requires a level of honesty to oneself that I am almost certain drugs have made me incapable of - if I can lie my way into this hole, this superficial existence within which all things center around one chemical alone - then how am I guaranteed to feel secure in the fact that I might be lying to myself about the 'need' to get better?
> 
> vicious cycle really....I have found the only thing that keeps recurring feelings of depression and anxiety (inevitably associated with long-term use) is daily exercise. and a steadfast determination to prove that self-deprecating voice inside your head wrong, once and for all, and stare right into the eyes of all your demons and show them who's boss.  It's amazing how little someone appreciates clean living until they've been to hell and back (sometimes many times) over an inanimate fucking man-made substance.
> 
> in short: an addiction is the only explicable means of enabling the cycle of negativity and self-doubt. dealing with a single feeling of inadequacy is much simpler than tackling what you perceive to be a plethora of flaws underneath....but really, accepting those shortcomings for what they are and making a concerted effort to improve upon them, is a hell of a more satisfying way to spend the rest of one's life. it's all boils down to summoning enough courage to stick to your resolve, and seeking proper aid for the damage brought upon the brain from periods of use. it's all very simple in theory, eh?



Methamphetamine is actually a natural substance, even though all the methamphetamine people use is man made and you are very correct in this sense.   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methamphetamine#Natural_occurrence


----------



## halfoz

2.5yrs clean from meth.

Started my meth career at full speed. I had a job that paid me exceptionally well, and could afford as much of anything i wanted. so, tried meth not knowing what it was. bought $500 worth the next day, and just kept using and using and using. Would typically buy a half ounce at a time, hence my nickname.

never imagined i'd be a meth addict, and emotionally when i look back on it, i really really enjoyed using meth. but i also caused an enormous amount of harm to myself and loved ones. i used long enough to see just how thoroughly meth addicts destroy their lives.

and frankly one of the biggest reasons i was able to quit was because of the tweaks, especially the bugs. and the more meth i did, the more quickly my tweak would set in, and it frankly broke my spirit.  

so, the horrible tweaks, the cost (i spent ALL my money on it), the danger, the constantly having to lie, the way my teeth were falling apart, the fact that i couldn't feel emotions other than anger and guilt.... it was too much to bear. i definitely hit my rock bottom. 

once i quit, it was pretty easy to stay quit. by the time i got out, there was no such thing as remotely decent quality anymore, hated jacking with incompetent dealers.

it was a relief. i spent the next 30 days doing nothing but eating and sleeping. then it took awhile for my brain to regrow dopamine receptors, so for several months i experienced no pleasure in anything. i didn't hate anything, but nothing was fun or joyful.

although it seems to be anathema to say this on BL - i also used a 12-step group to help me, and frankly that was a godsend. i was isolating for so long, that when i left my drug friends behind, i had no social interaction. the 12-step group provided that, and slowly i started to feel normal again.

having been clean for awhile, the thought of using seems like a waste of money. there's no substance to a life on meth. i needed to become a better person. 

even if i were guaranteed to be completely safe with an unlimited amount of the purist meth, i would decline. once you've jacked off 5 times, then the tweaks start hitting, and its all so... empty.

honestly the last few months of using were mainly to potentiate orgasms. even that gets old after awhile. 

i feel for anyone caught in the grip of meth. its so easy to let happen, since it triggers your obsessive compulsiveness like nothing else. the thing about quitting is just doing it. that's the hardest part. you gotta just make a decision and take action. break your pipes. change your cell phone number. work on staying clean on a day by day basis.

so couple years later, is life better? absolutely. it started getting better quickly, but i've not yet plateaued. i've got real relationships now, clarity of thought, freedom from guilt, don't have to worry about going to jail... oh, and i was able to quit cigarette smoking, and omg that's the best thing i've EVER done. 

sorry for the ramble...


----------



## Legerity

Captain.Heroin said:


> Methamphetamine is actually a natural substance, even though all the methamphetamine people use is man made and you are very correct in this sense.   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methamphetamine#Natural_occurrence



Thanks for sharing this.  I have not looked much into it but google has found sources stating that amphetamine and methamphetamine are in fact found in nature.  I would be curious as to whether these forms are more gentle, such a coca leaves vs. cocaine.


----------



## somegirl

*stuck at first step...*

I have been on meth/amps one or the either since 2003, initially as a study aid but eventually as life support. Used to just snort meth while studying for exams or doing assignments, then I got a dex script so could get by on just that for 2 years or so, then started running out of dex before I could renew my script so started using meth to tie over the few days between script could be renewed (smoking since my sinus has problems now). Now its more like dex ties me over during the time I can't use glass (during day at work etc).  

winning has always been important to me (eg at uni), and amps of any form have enabled me to do this for as long as I can remember. for this reason I can't make myself want to stop, because I just fall to pieces without my fuel. I have given up other substances during this time that I didn't care so much about because I could rationalise that they are detrimental to my performance/life, so I have a logical reason to stop. I now know that I care less about winning than I do about meth, but the two are fundamentally tangled within my core person because everything my esteem is based on can be attributed to the drug. I have become very good at holding myself together with the drug (I use the bug crawling sensations to help me fall asleep, if anything seems unusual or out of place I ignore it because its probably not real).  My point is I can justify any negative aspect of the drug but I cannot imagine life without it.

i am stuck the first step here, how does everyone make themselves really want to stop in the first place?


----------



## halfoz

the negatives of doing it just outweighed the positives of doing it. bear in mind, it took a thousand tries to successfully stop, and the negatives were SO negative and the positives barely there at all.

it was pretty easy to walk away from when i'd finally hit rock bottom. same with smoking cigarettes. when i was finally sick of nicotine, i quit that too. 

and THANK YOU GOD FOR THAT. freedom from addiction is SUCH a gift, omg. so worth it in every way


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## motiv311

just took / taken? 3 weeks off adderall... got scripted 70mgs vyvanse per day... expensive , but so far amazing stuff ...  

I only took the one pill today for the first time... and it feels like a smoother adderall XR ... yet strong enough


----------



## DoubleC

Here's my 2 cents as ive done mostly all drugs and ice being my fave. Placebos are very important I have to commit to something that takes up all the time I used to get high with. Also having friends you can call on to do stuff with that don't use themselves and put yourself around them. Cause when I'm bored and have time to think about how good it would be to be high that's when I start. And the longer I binge the easier it gets for me to jus get high again. It becomes routine . School was a really good way for stopping my bingeing

Question: is it really that hard to get off meth I've got on and gotten off easily after I sleep I wake up normal and I binge for weeks at a time sometimes more. But when I feel maxed out I call it a day. Euphoria doesn't last forever u have to stop eventually


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## footscrazy

^ Everyone has a different experience getting off meth. It can be an extremely hard addiction to quit and often people can fuck around with it for years in the way you described, binging then quitting with relative ease, before it really gets a hold of them. In fact this pattern can lead to complacency and addicition - if you've never had too much trouble quitting the urgency to stop is not there, and it's easy to keep pushing and to keep increasing your dependence. Meth is very insidious in that way, and dependence can easily creep up on you.


----------



## the_void

Better late than never...



Seanjay said:


> Here's a rap I wrote today.
> 
> 
> *NSFW*:



Thank you for sharing this! I respond so late because it doesn't appear to have been discussed much and I wanted you to know that I for one thought this was awesome. You have quite a way with words, man!



			
				raxeh said:
			
		

> Because you meth/speedheads seem to ignore 'a simple kiddie druggie' who tries to find a place to find help and only could find this thread... it might be an 'inferior drug and addiction' but I just recovered from my 2nd failed suicide attempt since noone took my binging etc, serious.




Another oldie that I felt I needed to respond to...while it may be harder for the average person here to relate due to different drug tastes, I concur that methylphenidate is not 'kiddy drugs', when it comes to its notorious comedown in particular, it's no picnic.  I can handle any stimulant comedown without downers...but cocaine and methylphenidate are exceptions. In fact, snorting high dose ritalin at once, it would instill a horrific terrible comedown in me, and that's WITHOUT REDOSES. At least cocaine will allow me a minimum of 2-3 redoses, without instilling a major comedown. I far prefer a d-meth comedown to a methylphenidate comedown.

In order words, I from the speed side of the spectrum would never dismiss methylphenidate as kiddy drugs... it's to be taken seriously, as with any addiction. IV methylphenidate, in particular, is considered to be particularly euphoric, and I'm sure something no one would call 'kiddy drugs.' Hell some people (certain coke people, mainly), would prefer a shot of methylphenidate to a shot of meth because its more their 'thing' (the pharmacology of cocaine and methylphenidate are similar). Please don't put yourself down, and I hope things are looking up just a little these days


----------



## DoubleC

footscrazy said:


> ^ Everyone has a different experience getting off meth. It can be an extremely hard addiction to quit and often people can fuck around with it for years in the way you described, binging then quitting with relative ease, before it really gets a hold of them. In fact this pattern can lead to complacency and addicition - if you've never had too much trouble quitting the urgency to stop is not there, and it's easy to keep pushing and to keep increasing your dependence. Meth is very insidious in that way, and dependence can easily creep up on you.



Can you elaborate more on what you mean by insidious and how it can creep on you? Im relatively new to ice but I'm an experienced drug user. I've been using ice for about 1 year heavily but have tried it a long time ago and jus used it very rarely like every 3 6 months but now it's like at least once a month and every week when I get bad. But If it's not readily available to me I won't make the effort to get it .
But I am worried for my health the toxicity of it is scary and I do feel imbalanced so I've become more pro-active and take antioxidants and supplements everyday


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## euphoricc

GUYS IM A SPEEDFREAK HA HAAAAA i have 1 speed gooooooooooo !!! ok these bath salts cut down the speed scene near here ban the dam shit please i beg u gte rid of fake drugs do real or die!!!!!!


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## Smoifer

DoubleC said:


> Can you elaborate more on what you mean by insidious and how it can creep on you? Im relatively new to ice but I'm an experienced drug user. I've been using ice for about 1 year heavily but have tried it a long time ago and jus used it very rarely like every 3 6 months but now it's like at least once a month and every week when I get bad. But If it's not readily available to me I won't make the effort to get it .
> But I am worried for my health the toxicity of it is scary and I do feel imbalanced so I've become more pro-active and take antioxidants and supplements everyday



You just elaborated on it yourself.

Slowly as it may be your usage is getting more regular and I'd imagine heavier with shorter breaks in between. But because you won't make the effort to get it if it's not there then you don't see any issue and become complacent because you can stop whenever, right?. This whole time it's been creeping on you. Eventually, after it's been readily available every weekend for a few months, you realise maybe it wasn't so readily available and recently you have been making an effort to get on. It's no longer so easy to just go without.

That's how I got caught out, I could stop whenever so it didn't matter how hard I went, by the time I realised the positive was overtaken by the negative it wasn't as easy as I remembered to stop. I've cut back to once a week now or fortnight if I'm lucky, I rarely make an effort to get it but somehow it's never far away and it only takes the slightest trigger to set those cravings off! 

I've been walking away after this puff for the last year. 
I was oblivious to it slowly creeping up on me for a few years before I even noticed the negative turn it had taken.


----------



## Legerity

DoubleC said:


> Can you elaborate more on what you mean by insidious and how it can creep on you? Im relatively new to ice but I'm an experienced drug user. I've been using ice for about 1 year heavily but have tried it a long time ago and jus used it very rarely like every 3 6 months but now it's like at least once a month and every week when I get bad. But If it's not readily available to me I won't make the effort to get it .
> But I am worried for my health the toxicity of it is scary and I do feel imbalanced so I've become more pro-active and take antioxidants and supplements everyday



Of course this substance is hard on the body, so maintaining good health is important.  

Insidious progression is one possible outcome of many.  If you are honest with yourself about how often you use and the consequences then there will less chance of surprises.  This isn't always easy!

That said, I've found amphetamine to be pretty hard to follow strict guidelines with, in particular when coming down which always seems to occur before you are ready for it.

Take care of yourself.  Progression is a certain possibility but not a necessity.  Honesty with yourself!


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## godlovesugly

i havent used meth in over a week. i want to be done with it so much. im completely broke now. i found out my "friend" stole my debit card and took over 200 dollars from my bank account...hes a meth user and he shoots up....im tired of this drug. im tired of these people in the drug world that are constantly lying to me, stealing from me, and using me.

meth is the hardest drug ive ever tried to quit...


----------



## Legerity

godlovesugly said:


> i havent used meth in over a week. i want to be done with it so much. im completely broke now. i found out my "friend" stole my debit card and took over 200 dollars from my bank account...hes a meth user and he shoots up....im tired of this drug. im tired of these people in the drug world that are constantly lying to me, stealing from me, and using me.
> 
> meth is the hardest drug ive ever tried to quit...



A week is an accomplishment   Do you know other people to hang out?  Even if you're still part of the crowd if you find other forms of companionship it may be easier to drift away from the scene.  

Environments can easily suck us in.  I have no tolerance for "scenes" in general and the roles that people try to play within them.  And being around a bunch of people smoking meth doesn't seem very nourishing for your goals if you're attempting to stop.

There really are good people around somewhere, I promise!


----------



## wooger

Recently i have been using amphetamine way too much. After finally stopping drinking, I decide to replace it with some other toxic crap, do I never learn my lesson?!

Anyway, last night it was awful, I did the 'baking soda thing' and after several hours my heart was just pounding, checked my pulse and it was like 142 and stayed this way for HOURS AND HOURS. My heart was actually hurting and I had this weird headache kinda on the top to one side of my head. I was so close to going to the hospital. Terrifying.

Anyway, never again, chucked the rest out and made sure I can't access anymore. Chucked the 2cb down the toilet that I had too. I am glad I learned my lesson before I made anymore of a habit of it....


----------



## footscrazy

godlovesugly said:


> i havent used meth in over a week. i want to be done with it so much. im completely broke now. i found out my "friend" stole my debit card and took over 200 dollars from my bank account...hes a meth user and he shoots up....im tired of this drug. im tired of these people in the drug world that are constantly lying to me, stealing from me, and using me.
> 
> meth is the hardest drug ive ever tried to quit...



Over a week is amazing! Don't let yourself downplay that. When I first quit I thought there was no way I could ever, EVER, make one day off. After one day I increased my goal to two days, then 5, then  a week etc, til now, I'm 4 months off today. I quit a 7 year habit on the 9th of Jan this year. It took me many, many tries to quit and often I'd get myself down thinking, fuck, I've tried to quit so many times before, and always failed, what's the point in even believing in myself now, I'm going to fail again. But every time you quit you get better at quitting, so never give up, and don't think that the past has to predict the future.


----------



## Sweet P

I'm gonna try to avoid all uppers over the next five days. I've been using methamphetamine, dex-amphetamine, and/or methylphenidate every day and it's taking a toll on my body and my mind. I don't want to quit completely... I'm just having a short detox, to help my brain recharge and my health to improve slightly. Today was my first day free of stimulants. I woke up this morning with horrible anxiety and a pounding headache, so I took some clonazepam and tramadol (neither of which are "problem drugs" for me any more) to help with that. It'll be interesting to see if I can manage the full five days.


----------



## DrugFuckedNZ

Sweet P said:


> I'm gonna try to avoid all uppers over the next five days. I've been using methamphetamine, dex-amphetamine, and/or methylphenidate every day and it's taking a toll on my body and my mind. I don't want to quit completely... I'm just having a short detox, to help my brain recharge and my health to improve slightly. Today was my first day free of stimulants. I woke up this morning with horrible anxiety and a pounding headache, so I took some clonazepam and tramadol (neither of which are "problem drugs" for me any more) to help with that. It'll be interesting to see if I can manage the full five days.



Hey Sweet P you sound like a cool person, I admire you for giving it a break... all the best kiwi gal


----------



## Legerity

Sweet P said:


> I'm gonna try to avoid all uppers over the next five days. I've been using methamphetamine, dex-amphetamine, and/or methylphenidate every day and it's taking a toll on my body and my mind. I don't want to quit completely... I'm just having a short detox, to help my brain recharge and my health to improve slightly. Today was my first day free of stimulants. I woke up this morning with horrible anxiety and a pounding headache, so I took some clonazepam and tramadol (neither of which are "problem drugs" for me any more) to help with that. It'll be interesting to see if I can manage the full five days.



Good goal   Your body will appreciate a few days of rest.  Eat/sleep/repeat


----------



## Sweet P

DrugFuckedNZ said:


> Hey Sweet P you sound like a cool person, I admire you for giving it a break... all the best kiwi gal



Thanks for the support, my friend. I'll keep in touch and let you know how the detox goes. 



Legerity said:


> Good goal   Your body will appreciate a few days of rest.  Eat/sleep/repeat



Yep, for sure. I've been eating like crazy today, as I've barely eaten a thing over the past few days.


----------



## gavatron@oz

Sweet P said:


> I'm gonna try to avoid all uppers over the next five days. I've been using methamphetamine, dex-amphetamine, and/or methylphenidate every day and it's taking a toll on my body and my mind. I don't want to quit completely... I'm just having a short detox, to help my brain recharge and my health to improve slightly. Today was my first day free of stimulants. I woke up this morning with horrible anxiety and a pounding headache, so I took some clonazepam and tramadol (neither of which are "problem drugs" for me any more) to help with that. It'll be interesting to see if I can manage the full five days.



im coming off a heavy binge myself.. The weekend rolls into monday,so i hit the pippi so i dnt miss work..tjen tues,wed,fuck its almost the week end.. NExt thing ive been up6 nights..

Need a week off, then try 2 weekly..

The head aches are stupid,along with chronic food binges and days of sleep.ive lost 14kg(30pounds) of muscle off my frame.iys fucked

i state straigt through people,think about meth 24 /7.

Fucken over it


----------



## ziggo

After a few weeks on and off of meth, I know that I can't do it maybe ever again.  I've only been addicted to h but from the first shot meth has a stronger appeal and lure for me. I feel like I'll be fine using h in extreme moderation whenever an easy opportunity comes along. But I can't use meth for it could very easily end me.


----------



## Sweet P

gavatron@oz said:


> ive lost 14kg(30pounds) of muscle off my frame.iys fucked



Yeah, I'm dangerously underweight. I've always been naturally thin, but my years of chronic meth/amphetamine abuse has turned me into a walking skeleton. I currently weigh 50kg's (110lbs) and I'm 5'8", which gives me a body mass index of only 16. At my worst, I weighed less than 45kg's! The muscle deterioration also sucks... I'm no longer comfy wearing skirts cos my legs are like matchsticks (and often covered in sores!) 



ziggo said:


> After a few weeks on and off of meth, I know that I can't do it maybe ever again.  I've only been addicted to h but from the first shot meth has a stronger appeal and lure for me. I feel like I'll be fine using h in extreme moderation whenever an easy opportunity comes along. But I can't use meth for it could very easily end me.



I have friends who are opiate addicts but also use meth. I remember some of them saying the danger of meth is that they can just keep going and going, whereas with opiates they'll eventually just nodd out. I tend to agree with that, from my own experience.


----------



## footscrazy

^ I used to be so skinny on meth but I liked it in a way...5'10" and 54 kilos, as soon as I quit though I started putting on about a kilo a week! That really fucked with me, I put on 13 kilos in 4 months before I realised I couldn't just eat anything I wanted anymore. I only used to eat 2 or 3 days a week at best. It just shows how unrealistic that 'supermodel' frame is, if I was still too big to be a model when I was only eating 2 days a week... 

I know you can reach your goals sweet P. I also have some more info about Lindsay so please pm me


----------



## Sweet P

^ I've just sent you a PM.


----------



## ziggo

I think to beat the meth withdrawals you've got to get out of your thoughts, mind, space.  What I did was concentrate and gain as much enjoyment out of basic bodily pleasures.  H w/ds made me only think about my body and my body hated me so I kept myself quite occupied.  This worked for me and my meth w/ds were kinda bad compared to others with me, perhaps from my first drug addiction to amphetamines, I've gained sensitivity to catching the negatives.


----------



## Sweet P

Fuck it, I've managed two days off meth/amphetamines but I can't take any more. All day today I've had a strong feeling of violent rage building up inside me... I've pretty much stayed at home, cos I know I would have gotten into a fight with someone if I ventured out. So I'm probably gonna score a bag of crystal tonight. It almost seems like I'm more sane _on_ meth than _off_ it!


----------



## Legerity

Sweet P said:


> Fuck it, I've managed two days off meth/amphetamines but I can't take any more. All day today I've had a strong feeling of violent rage building up inside me... I've pretty much stayed at home, cos I know I would have gotten into a fight with someone if I ventured out. So I'm probably gonna score a bag of crystal tonight. It almost seems like I'm more sane _on_ meth than _off_ it!



It's OK to feel strong emotions.  If we try to suppress the unpleasant ones the pleasant ones get suppressed with them.  All the best


----------



## Bizkitz

Sweet P said:


> Fuck it, I've managed two days off meth/amphetamines but I can't take any more. All day today I've had a strong feeling of violent rage building up inside me... I've pretty much stayed at home, cos I know I would have gotten into a fight with someone if I ventured out. So I'm probably gonna score a bag of crystal tonight. It almost seems like I'm more sane _on_ meth than _off_ it!



SweetP... Darling, you made the second post on here. I'm going to say this, and let you know that I'm being a complete and total hypocrite. I'm just too myopic to take my own advice.

 I'm in a very similar boat. I need this bitch- Tina- to even function on a day to day basis. I smoke to feel NORMAL.  I have a 8ball in 2 day habit I can't afford. And I only started again four months ago. I did, however, achieve sobriety for 2 1/2 years prior. 

Getting sober is difficult. You're going to be angry, upset, emotional, scared. You will sleep a lot. You will be weak. Your pain tolerance is going to suck. Forget a sex life for a bit. After a while though, you will suddenly discover a person you forgot existed. Soon after, you may actually like that person too  

So here goes... How to make Tina relinquish her hold on you. Reach out. Tell others. Tell those that care for you. Yea, true- The best way I know how to clear out a room of non users is to pull out the pipe and offer hits, but lets face it - Our addictions are far beyond sharing with those that won't buy it themselves. You need to get help. You need to feel loved, cared for, appreciated. You picked up Tea because it helped you solve some fault you felt you had. Sometimes some imagined inadequacy.  It filled some void - Gave you confidence and bravado you didn't know you had. Ultimately, it highlighted that flaw, made you weak, left you doubting- Didn't it? Tell someone. Get help. The thought of CMA is reprehensibly repulsive to me... But I'm thinking about it. Sitting in a room full of people talking about our darkest hours? Nooo Thank YOU! But you know what? It might help. Like I said, Darling, I'm a hypocrite. I know my addiction. I am disgusted with my addiction. I know what and who my priority is. Sadly, it's not me. Only we can make ourselves matter. Tell someone. Get some help. Don't be as foolish as I am allowing my addiction to be as I'm writing this. This spin around the clock, at 26, I am going to destruct. I can feel it in my bones. I've always pulled the nose up just before hitting bottom. I was a functioning addict for years. Now I've lost my home, moved cross country with nothing but 2 suit cases and a box I mailed myself. I live with my ex husband, and trust- us homos are enough drama already. I bought myself the oldest, most beat up car I've ever owned..Which I totaled while mostly sober the other week.  Lost the job I was hired at when I was given an ultimatum to pee or voluntarily resign.  

You still have a soul. You still have desires. Ambitions - You didn't discard them at the door when you walked into Tina's house. So many leave theirs behind... Your inner compass may very well be pointed at magnetic north and not true north, true, but at least you're trying. Keep up the good fight and get some help. Damnit.


----------



## Sweet P

^ That was a great post... thanks for replying. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm no longer a functioning addict either. I'm drifting from place to place, doing what I can to make some cash for my next fix. My physical and mental health have gone way downhill, to the point that my parents will probably outlive me. But crystal meth is my life and my identity. I know it's killing me, but even that isn't a good enough reason for me to quit. I've had drug counselling, gone to NA meetings, and all that jazz, but none of it worked for me. I'm now resigned to the fact that I'll be using meth till the day I die. Live fast and die young, as they say.


----------



## Bizkitz

YEA, BUT THAT'S ON YOU- You're resigned. You've made your mind. That's not just the addiction. That's you succumbing to the addiction. Like I said, I won't take my own advice. I truly think rock bottom is not far off for me... However, I know I will someday break free again. I may have a self destruct mechanism, but I also know I have a passion for survival. You do too or you wouldn't have spent the past two years reaching out on this thread. I am guessing you're very active on it. With that said, my generation (not sure your age) is the generation of "expect,"  or the "give me generation." The give me while I do the bare minimum. That doesn't fly. Tears, passion and desire are what you need to tap into... Today, do me a favor... Well, two. If you're staying in a messy place - Clean part of it. Let yourself sketch there for a bit. You'll feel accomplished and healthier when you're done... just don't take it too far like some of these gackers that can't conduct themselves... Secondly.  Step out side. Sit in the sunshine. You may have to be gacked to do it, but try and remember the little pleasures. Choose to be willingly naive. Go somewhere you can let your guard down.  Be child like with wonder. Remember that if you close the blinds ( No Peekertweeker!) the world moves on and rotates with your presence or not. So watch (judge shamelessly) people walking down the street. Remember how much you enjoyed the sun shine on your face. It's not always easy, but that's how I remember that life is a compilation of experiences... And as corny as it is; Life is beautiful- even if it sucks (and mine does)..  And if you get nervous/sketch ask your self these two simple questions... Is it logical? Is it rational? 

Maybe I sound idyllic. Yes, I am on a fantastic one... But when things get really bad, I try to forget that all my friends are users and liars. I sit in the park, listen to music on my phone and sketch to refusing to sketch. It's like driving- I could keep looking in my mirror freaking out that the car could be a cop behind me - Or, I can pay attention to the destination ahead of me. Make sure I'm driving in compliance with all laws, speeding down the road at a comfortable (3-4 mph) I have nothing to hide pace.


----------



## oxymoron310

Since the beginning of my speed use I've been getting a ringing noise randomly throughout my day while on or off speed. Does anyone know what could be the cause of this?


----------



## godlovesugly

oxymoron310 said:


> Since the beginning of my speed use I've been getting a ringing noise randomly throughout my day while on or off speed. Does anyone know what could be the cause of this?



using speed can cause ringing in the ears. i still get it every now and then, even when im not using, it comes and goes. for me, i dont think this is something that will go away. im probably gonna have to deal with this forever :/


----------



## gavatron@oz

BIZKITZ-- from the two posts tha youve put up here for sweet p, im certain you still have a way out. And at 26 theres still time and oppurtunity for you to fuck tina off.what you posted takes alot of understanding and sympathy..you sound intelligen.dont take the easy road and give in..

Like you ive falken into the grasp of the monkey that sits on my back everyday..though now its a fucken gorilla..just lost ,or decided to end my engagement-i chose meth over my partner.however , she was not willing to help me through this,and left me in my time of need..what did she think i
 would do???6 nights and 7 days straight bender...i hardly let the pipe cool down..SAD - SAD LIFE 

SWEET P- stay stront, dont throw your life away.tell people,tell everyone..that way its harde to misbehave..
Take care mate

Chin up to you both, dont give in

Gavatron fro oz


----------



## ektamine

Legerity said:


> Thanks for sharing this.  I have not looked much into it but google has found sources stating that amphetamine and methamphetamine are in fact found in nature.  I would be curious as to whether these forms are more gentle, such a coca leaves vs. cocaine.



Methamphetamine occurs naturally in *Acacia berlandieri*.

The _Acacia berlandieri_ tree contains the following alkaloids:
amphetamine
methamphetamine
N,N-dimethylamphetamine
p-hydroxyamphetamine
p-methoxyamphetamine
DMT
nicotine
mescaline

The trees are native to West Texas.

[source]




			
				gavatron@oz said:
			
		

> Like you ive falken into the grasp of the monkey that sits on my back everyday..though now its a fucken gorilla..just lost ,or decided to end my engagement-i chose meth over my partner.however , she was not willing to help me through this,and left me in my time of need..what did she think i
> would do???6 nights and 7 days straight bender...i hardly let the pipe cool down..SAD - SAD LIFE



Hey man, knock it off :D
You might think your life is sad at times but from just speaking with you briefly over the last weeks I think you know thats not entirely the case. You live in a beautiful place, you have passions (boating, the ocean), and you seem like you got a good head on your shoulders.
If your still alive, its not too late, seize the day!


----------



## Bizkitz

gavatron@oz said:


> BIZKITZ-- from the two posts tha youve put up here for sweet p, im certain you still have a way out. And at 26 theres still time and oppurtunity for you to fuck tina off.what you posted takes alot of understanding and sympathy..you sound intelligen.dont take the easy road and give in..
> 
> Like you ive falken into the grasp of the monkey that sits on my back everyday..though now its a fucken gorilla..just lost ,or decided to end my engagement-i chose meth over my partner.however , she was not willing to help me through this,and left me in my time of need..what did she think i
> would do???



Yea, I didn't do too bad for a 13 year old that ran away and was a national missing person till after he saw what a fork, light bulb, Table and hydrochloric salts could do at 16/17 y/o. Ahh. Kenfuckingtucky! 

And think about how you are on day three. Speaking of, How the hell did I actually get to day three now? I just had a classic Porsche bought for me yesterday... I've been looking up stuff for that


----------



## the_void

First post about myself here...

I've never been one to believe in God, satan, spirits, souls, hell, possession and other things I often heard tweakers talking about. I thought it was some meth psychosis thing. Now though I still don't believe really, I do find myself questioning the possible existence of all of those, and it's disturbing to me. 

Now you're going to say, eat something get some sleep it'll be alright. But I've been doing those things, as well as taking breaks of three days to a week. This drug initially felt like speedy ecstasy (only cleaner and more euphoric); now it just feels dark. It can be a euphoric darkness, but it's a darkness nonetheless...though I still lean towards some scientific explanation, much of the time, especially when I use alone and at night, I feel as though I've morphed into an evil version of me. Other times I feel like I'm not me at all, but rather various negative entities being channeled through me through me (these are not hallucinations, or delusions, I know they're not happening but it feels as though they are).

 For lack of better word, it does feel as though I'm losing my soul, or at  least part of it, to this drug... that part of me, that cared and empathized with others, is gone or dying. The disturbing thing is, sometimes I feel this way completely sober as well, exactly as though I imagine a -sociopath might feel. it feels good sometimes to see others in pain and that's a horrible thing and not who I am. Other times, sober or not, I feel this intense rage in me that I didn't know existed.

Friends I started using with (and whom it hit a lot harder than me, and hell it's only been a couple of months), they're no longer the same people. Some of them even developed have this permanent malicious glow in their eyes that never seems to go away.  While I've merely 'felt',  very different from my usual self, these former friends gone out and actually done horrible things, mainly just for the thrill of it. It's difficult for me to reconcile who they are now with who they once were. I mourn who they used to be, but they are no longer my friends and I no longer feel safe around them. 

After my last use (this morning, that's all I had left), I've taken one step  I at least feel good about: thrown my pipes, meth bong, torches, and butane cans. I'm tired of hiding all this paraphernalia (snorting doesn't get me off anymore)... I feel bad enough that I know how to use this stuff, let alone own it. Please don't feel judged fellow meth smokers, certainly there is no judgment from me, I just hated being addicted to such a conspicuous pipe and gear and I feel cleaner with it all gone.

Sorry... just been feeling so down and needed to rant. Thanks for reading.


----------



## footscrazy

^ Meth definitely can change you, in fact it was in part this levelling of emotions that attracted me to this addiction. Feeling nothing can be a very attractive side effect at times...

I'm sure you know that taking 3 days to a week off isn't a reliable indicator of what being off meth feels like. After one week off you'll unlikely have even passed the acute effects of withdrawal. It took 2 months off for me to even be able to start barely functioning as a normal human being, let alone 'recover' completely.


----------



## Pegasus

ektamine said:


> Methamphetamine occurs naturally in *Acacia berlandieri*.
> 
> The _Acacia berlandieri_ tree contains the following alkaloids:
> amphetamine
> methamphetamine
> N,N-dimethylamphetamine
> p-hydroxyamphetamine
> p-methoxyamphetamine
> DMT
> nicotine
> mescaline
> 
> The trees are native to West Texas.
> 
> [source]



This is actually probably a mistake as this is from a single test.  It gets spread around quite often as fact, but it really isn't.

I know this really has little to do with the topic at hand but figured I'd comment.


----------



## Legerity

the_void said:


> First post about myself here...
> 
> I've never been one to believe in God, satan, spirits, souls, hell, possession and other things I often heard tweakers talking about. I thought it was some meth psychosis thing. Now though I still don't believe really, I do find myself questioning the possible existence of all of those, and it's disturbing to me.
> 
> Now you're going to say, eat something get some sleep it'll be alright. But I've been doing those things, as well as taking breaks of three days to a week. This drug initially felt like speedy ecstasy (only cleaner and more euphoric); now it just feels dark. It can be a euphoric darkness, but it's a darkness nonetheless...though I still lean towards some scientific explanation, much of the time, especially when I use alone and at night, I feel as though I've morphed into an evil version of me. Other times I feel like I'm not me at all, but rather various negative entities being channeled through me through me (these are not hallucinations, or delusions, I know they're not happening but it feels as though they are).
> 
> For lack of better word, it does feel as though I'm losing my soul, or at  least part of it, to this drug... that part of me, that cared and empathized with others, is gone or dying. The disturbing thing is, sometimes I feel this way completely sober as well, exactly as though I imagine a -sociopath might feel. it feels good sometimes to see others in pain and that's a horrible thing and not who I am. Other times, sober or not, I feel this intense rage in me that I didn't know existed.
> 
> Friends I started using with (and whom it hit a lot harder than me, and hell it's only been a couple of months), they're no longer the same people. Some of them even developed have this permanent malicious glow in their eyes that never seems to go away.  While I've merely 'felt',  very different from my usual self, these former friends gone out and actually done horrible things, mainly just for the thrill of it. It's difficult for me to reconcile who they are now with who they once were. I mourn who they used to be, but they are no longer my friends and I no longer feel safe around them.
> 
> After my last use (this morning, that's all I had left), I've taken one step  I at least feel good about: thrown my pipes, meth bong, torches, and butane cans. I'm tired of hiding all this paraphernalia (snorting doesn't get me off anymore)... I feel bad enough that I know how to use this stuff, let alone own it. Please don't feel judged fellow meth smokers, certainly there is no judgment from me, I just hated being addicted to such a conspicuous pipe and gear and I feel cleaner with it all gone.
> 
> Sorry... just been feeling so down and needed to rant. Thanks for reading.



Thanks for opening up and it's great that you made the decision to throw everything away.  No matter how much you felt you needed meth during that period you now have a choice whether to continue or not.  Keep us posted how you are doing


----------



## oxymoron310

the_void said:


> First post about myself here...
> 
> I've never been one to believe in God, satan, spirits, souls, hell, possession and other things I often heard tweakers talking about. I thought it was some meth psychosis thing. Now though I still don't believe really, I do find myself questioning the possible existence of all of those, and it's disturbing to me.
> 
> Now you're going to say, eat something get some sleep it'll be alright. But I've been doing those things, as well as taking breaks of three days to a week. This drug initially felt like speedy ecstasy (only cleaner and more euphoric); now it just feels dark. It can be a euphoric darkness, but it's a darkness nonetheless...though I still lean towards some scientific explanation, much of the time, especially when I use alone and at night, I feel as though I've morphed into an evil version of me. Other times I feel like I'm not me at all, but rather various negative entities being channeled through me through me (these are not hallucinations, or delusions, I know they're not happening but it feels as though they are).
> 
> For lack of better word, it does feel as though I'm losing my soul, or at  least part of it, to this drug... that part of me, that cared and empathized with others, is gone or dying. The disturbing thing is, sometimes I feel this way completely sober as well, exactly as though I imagine a -sociopath might feel. it feels good sometimes to see others in pain and that's a horrible thing and not who I am. Other times, sober or not, I feel this intense rage in me that I didn't know existed.
> 
> Friends I started using with (and whom it hit a lot harder than me, and hell it's only been a couple of months), they're no longer the same people. Some of them even developed have this permanent malicious glow in their eyes that never seems to go away.  While I've merely 'felt',  very different from my usual self, these former friends gone out and actually done horrible things, mainly just for the thrill of it. It's difficult for me to reconcile who they are now with who they once were. I mourn who they used to be, but they are no longer my friends and I no longer feel safe around them.
> 
> After my last use (this morning, that's all I had left), I've taken one step  I at least feel good about: thrown my pipes, meth bong, torches, and butane cans. I'm tired of hiding all this paraphernalia (snorting doesn't get me off anymore)... I feel bad enough that I know how to use this stuff, let alone own it. Please don't feel judged fellow meth smokers, certainly there is no judgment from me, I just hated being addicted to such a conspicuous pipe and gear and I feel cleaner with it all gone.
> 
> Sorry... just been feeling so down and needed to rant. Thanks for reading.



I know exactly what you are saying, & how you feel. I just got rid of all my pipes & bongs & drug related paraphernalia today. Religion is a topic that crosses my mind very often for me now, & I noticed it started with my speed use. I care so little what people think of me it's kind of scary.


----------



## Sweet P

gavatron@oz said:


> SWEET P- stay stront, dont throw your life away.tell people,tell everyone..that way its harde to misbehave..
> Take care mate



Everyone in my life knows... my friends, my family, etc. 

It's reached the stage that I can't hide my addiction anyway.


----------



## Bizkitz

the_void said:


> For lack of better word, it does feel as though I'm losing my soul, or at  least part of it, to this drug... that part of me, that cared and empathized with others, is gone or dying. The disturbing thing is, sometimes I feel this way completely sober as well, exactly as though I imagine a -sociopath might feel. it feels good sometimes to see others in pain and that's a horrible thing and not who I am. Other times, sober or not, I feel this intense rage in me that I didn't know existed.



I know exactly how you feel. In my opinion, people do start to lose their soul. It's when the drug begins to take priority in your life. You end up using people any way possible; Some resort to violence. Understand this much - If you're experiencing these emotions, feelings, trepidations - You have a moral compass. Protect that. Admit when you're wrong. I'm a fan of "open sketch. Tell the why, the what and the how... And then ask yourself - Is this Rational, is this logical? It works for SWIM if they're on a bad one and feel uncomfortable. Sometimes you're wrong... Sometimes you're not

Now your chemistry is skewed and off too.  Still follow your intuition. Trust yourself. Something you need to know. You're probably an addict. Same as SWIM. Same as most everyone that's posting in this thread. That never, ever changes. If you this attempt to give it up  (it's easier to say "I quit" when you're in the spin. It gets a hell of a lot harder as the hours melt into days... Or if you're like SWIM- Minutes melt into hours) . It's something you need to admit to yourself. I have friends that do dope all day long, everyday... They think they're not addicts. Don't be that guy. If it quacks, walks and talks like a gacker; Guess what? It is. 

 Excuses = Little white lies. If you have a friend with an outstanding memory ( Like myself), they will  start to question you and your sincerity.  It's hard. Stay naive if you can. End tirade.


----------



## godlovesugly

been an addict for 7 years. recently, ive been doing meth straight for a year. im currently [almost] 3 weeks clean. 

with meth, it was like i was losing my soul. my looks, my whole self. everything went downhill SO FAST. things got very dark for me. after a 5 day binge, i looked in the mirror and BAM. omg. it hit me. i looked so ugly, hideous, i didn't recognize myself in the mirror. who is this person? what have i become? after awhile you lose yourself completely, and you *become* the drug. how i looked physically really made me want to stop meth, but also mentally, i was so messed up. and that really scared me. the way meth effects your mind and emotions, is just too much for me. the fact that all i had done to myself, could eventually become permanent and irreversible, scared the shit out of me too. i wanted to stop. i had almost become disgusted with the drug itself and all the people i knew in the meth world. i just didn't want it anymore.... i'm not gonna say there aren't some days or moments that i still don't want it. right now i'm sick, and ive been sick for over a week now...usually this is the time where a few hits of meth sound good to me. but i just cant do it, i cant go back to it. just one time of using, can fuck up SO much shit in my life. its not worth it.


----------



## Mariposa

Just a note to say that May 17 marked 3 years since I last touched the stuff.  It was a couple comparatively brief love affairs and I did not quite "lose my soul", but I live a life free of it now and my life is much better.

I am even now able to use prescribed amphetamines (for ADD) responsibly.

Keep the faith, everyone.


----------



## Captain.Heroin

ektamine said:


> Methamphetamine occurs naturally in *Acacia berlandieri*.
> 
> The _Acacia berlandieri_ tree contains the following alkaloids:
> amphetamine
> methamphetamine
> N,N-dimethylamphetamine
> p-hydroxyamphetamine
> p-methoxyamphetamine
> DMT
> nicotine
> mescaline
> 
> The trees are native to West Texas.
> 
> [source]



This is true.  

However, methamphetamine isn't naturally occurring outside of this from what I understand.  And all methamphetamine that is being used is synthetic.  But you are correct, it's not a fully synthetic drug, it was man-made before discovered naturally though.  

I also wanted to point out how I have a lot of respect for Sweet P - you admit that methamphetamine isn't doing you a whole lot of good, but it's "ingrained" in your identity and you're pretty sure you'll be using it every day of your life. 

I just wanted to point out first that maybe one day you won't have to be on it anymore - it's still a possibility.  

But even if it's not, it's not something that has to ruin your life, and that's why Bluelight is here.  For people who don't quit, you can still try and strive towards being a functioning addict again.  I promise you that even if you aren't functional now, you can be in the future, if not drug free entirely.  

However, as I have ADHD, I will likely be using d-amp for a while, as I am a mess/wreck without it (and have been my whole life, even before starting the medication I am on today).  However I still take days off of the medication and I still manage to feel OK about myself then too.  Drug use - medicinal or recreational - doesn't have to make your life a living hell and that's why Bluelight is here, to minimize the harm that's inevitably present with any physical drug dependency, most cases of IV drug use, and so on.  

Props to Sweet P for still fighting the good fight!  



Mariposa said:


> Just a note to say that May 17 marked 3 years since I last touched the stuff.  It was a couple comparatively brief love affairs and I did not quite "lose my soul", but I live a life free of it now and my life is much better.
> 
> I am even now able to use prescribed amphetamines (for ADD) responsibly.
> 
> Keep the faith, everyone.



If you didn't want to read my post, this is the TL;DR version.  %)

This is amazing Mariposa!  I think I'm coming on 2 years to 2.5 years now, and I'm feeling great myself (I was abusing heroin, not meth) however I also have ADHD and can  use d-amp responsibly, to the point where I have yet to go through my monthly prescription in a month (except for the first month where they only gave me half the dosage I am at today, as well as an XR formula and not an IR formula), so it is great to be able to get to that point.   For ADHD, a lot of people will use different drugs to self-medicate before they have a proper diagnosis + medication, whether it be heroin, meth, alcohol, cocaine, or anything else.  This can also be true for other disorders, whether they be personality disorders, anxiety/panic disorders, depression, etc. - there's still always hope for anyone who wants to get help/treatment.


----------



## DoubleC

the_void said:


> First post about myself here...
> 
> I've never been one to believe in God, satan, spirits, souls, hell, possession and other things I often heard tweakers talking about. I thought it was some meth psychosis thing. Now though I still don't believe really, I do find myself questioning the possible existence of all of those, and it's disturbing to me.
> 
> Now you're going to say, eat something get some sleep it'll be alright. But I've been doing those things, as well as taking breaks of three days to a week. This drug initially felt like speedy ecstasy (only cleaner and more euphoric); now it just feels dark. It can be a euphoric darkness, but it's a darkness nonetheless...though I still lean towards some scientific explanation, much of the time, especially when I use alone and at night, I feel as though I've morphed into an evil version of me. Other times I feel like I'm not me at all, but rather various negative entities being channeled through me through me (these are not hallucinations, or delusions, I know they're not happening but it feels as though they are).
> 
> For lack of better word, it does feel as though I'm losing my soul, or at  least part of it, to this drug... that part of me, that cared and empathized with others, is gone or dying. The disturbing thing is, sometimes I feel this way completely sober as well, exactly as though I imagine a -sociopath might feel. it feels good sometimes to see others in pain and that's a horrible thing and not who I am. Other times, sober or not, I feel this intense rage in me that I didn't know existed.
> 
> Friends I started using with (and whom it hit a lot harder than me, and hell it's only been a couple of months), they're no longer the same people. Some of them even developed have this permanent malicious glow in their eyes that never seems to go away.  While I've merely 'felt',  very different from my usual self, these former friends gone out and actually done horrible things, mainly just for the thrill of it. It's difficult for me to reconcile who they are now with who they once were. I mourn who they used to be, but they are no longer my friends and I no longer feel safe around them.
> 
> After my last use (this morning, that's all I had left), I've taken one step  I at least feel good about: thrown my pipes, meth bong, torches, and butane cans. I'm tired of hiding all this paraphernalia (snorting doesn't get me off anymore)... I feel bad enough that I know how to use this stuff, let alone own it. Please don't feel judged fellow meth smokers, certainly there is no judgment from me, I just hated being addicted to such a conspicuous pipe and gear and I feel cleaner with it all gone.
> 
> Sorry... just been feeling so down and needed to rant. Thanks for reading.



honestly I feel you on this... I feel I can overcome it, though i do tend to push to the edge of no return. but i feel ive lost a friend and cant do anything to help the situation. we've only used foil, but the amounts and frequencies have gone out of hand..


----------



## the_void

thanks for the feedback guys. its amazing how many of us experience the exact same sensations while under the influence of this drug... how alike our stories are. meth is truly in a class of its  own... out of all the stimulants ive done, none could really prepare me for this one, mentally, and the mind games it plays with you. i thought i would handle it fine because i have extensive amphetamine experience/abuse. i was wrong. meth has a certain dark quality that ive never seen in any drug, period... 

i made it a month off. the first week was a challenge, after that theres a certain thrill in the accomplishment of being sober. and after that, its why bother? life doesn't feel fun without uppers. i dont know if i can ever be happy without stimulants. but i dont want to die over amphetamines either... 

yeah, i know about dopamine downregulation blah blah blah. but stimulants just make me feel so alive. it reflects how sad and lonely my life really has been, but all my best memories, ALL of them, were when i was fucked up on mdma/coke/amphetamine/meth/whatever. sober life never was any good for me, its hard to imagine that suddenly it will be, especially now that ive seriously fucked with my neurochemistry, i have a police record, im bankrupt, friends have left, and my family and sober friends i do have don't look at me the same way again.

i have entered treatment since last posting, i hope  it works. it's my first time but it's expected to be my last - my family doesn't understand addiction, or relapses, they are being as nice as they can given how fucked up the situation is, but if i fuck this up i guess im on my own to deal with this (im in my mid 20s... another overgrown teenager i guess). i live in the northeast... they classify methamphetamine under cocaine treatment, so basically im with a lot of crack addicts - i do relate, but i wish there were specialized resources, a lot of what id like to talk about would be irrelevant to the experiences of a crack cocaine addict... not that one is better than the other, but every drug has its own unique challenges.

yesterday morning i awoke with an intense craving for a high only a powerful stimulant can provide, and within hours i ended up scoring some crack and some crystal. i swear i didnt even look for them, but i wanted them so i suppose they came to me. :/ been  smoking since the afternoon... then to all night... and i am high now... so back to step one. not sure whether to be happy and enjoy the high, or just cry


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

^ It gets easier. 

You inevitably, find your way back, but as more time goes by between each time you use, it does get easier to not use. 

It doesn't mean all hope is lost. Just get back on, and keep going. 

Sometimes I (still) use stimulants, and they make me feel fucking shit. The more time away I have from them, the better in every aspect I feel, and my body adjusts to not being stimulated. Then I'll use again, and it feels 10x worse. Reminds me why I hate the shit.


----------



## **hAyzzZZ**

^ How are you going now dude?


----------



## footscrazy

Sweet P said:


> ^ That was a great post... thanks for replying. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm no longer a functioning addict either. I'm drifting from place to place, doing what I can to make some cash for my next fix. My physical and mental health have gone way downhill, to the point that my parents will probably outlive me. But crystal meth is my life and my identity. I know it's killing me, but even that isn't a good enough reason for me to quit. I've had drug counselling, gone to NA meetings, and all that jazz, but none of it worked for me. I'm now resigned to the fact that I'll be using meth till the day I die. Live fast and die young, as they say.



I know this is old but I just saw it and thought I would reply...

I know how it feels to realise you're not longer a functioning person. I have been lucky as I work from home, and was able to get by on copious amounts of bullshit and promises. It all hit me when one time, I decided to go for a walk, and literally walked a couple of blocks before I was at the point of absolute exhuastion. Not tiredness - I was doubled over, wheezing, unable to go another step. I was 23 and unable to walk 2 blocks. For me, that really brought home how unfunctioning I was. If it wasn't for my good fortune of having a family that cares, and a job I could mooch along with, I'd be homeless or worse. 

I also remember days when I decided to give my life over to meth, and it almost felt good, like an epic romantic story, _I love you so much I wont part with you until I'm dead._ And I fully believed that and somehow took solace in that. 

But that's just one part of you speaking when you wrote that you'd use meth til you die. There is one part of you that will let you do that, and it could happen. But I fully believe there is also another part of you that can make an alternate decision. 

I have nearly 6 months off now of what was near daily use for 7 years. If I can do it, I believe anyone can, I really do. (I used to read things like that and think, yeah maybe most people, but not me. But I fucking did it!)


----------



## KamMoye

been clean for 6 months.

dont get urges anymore save for today. first urge in months. fortunately i realize the fantasy is better than the reality.


----------



## Asclepius

^Well done on the 6 months man! 
What support are you getting/ taking, with regard to any with cravings?


----------



## gavatron@oz

*Rip caleb*



ektamine said:


> Methamphetamine occurs naturally in *Acacia berlandieri*.
> 
> The _Acacia berlandieri_ tree contains the following alkaloids:
> amphetamine
> methamphetamine
> N,N-dimethylamphetamine
> p-hydroxyamphetamine
> p-methoxyamphetamine
> DMT
> nicotine
> mescaline
> 
> The trees are native to West Texas.
> 
> [source]
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Hey man, knock it off :D
> You might think your life is sad at times but from just speaking with you briefly over the last weeks I think you know thats not entirely the case. You live in a beautiful place, you have passions (boating, the ocean), and you seem like you got a good head on your shoulders.
> If your still alive, its not too late, seize the day!



Just read through this reply to me from EKTAMINE at a time when all seemed so dark and he helped me try and see the light.... Sorry to say but the darkness remains- however i hope your in a place that has all you'd ever hoped and dreamed of...

RIP Caleb...Aka- EKTAMINE


----------



## KamMoye

Asclepius said:


> ^Well done on the 6 months man!
> What support are you getting/ taking, with regard to any with cravings?



consistent meditation


----------



## rhymetoker

I never understood what the big deal was about cravings.  I used to get them when I quit coke and it wasn't a big deal.  Then I quit using meth and I truly understood.  It feels like more of a need than a craving.  Like being thirsty or something.


----------



## queenscarlet88

A bottle of Adderall is sitting in a drawer in the house where I live and I want it.

I'm about four months clean of a benzo addiction. During these past four months I've intermittently taken opioids, smoked weed, and consumed caffeinated beverages -- with miserable results every time. My mind starts to turn against itself whenever I take a drug, or even consider taking a drug. Despite these lapses, I've healed palpably. I know better than to throw away my progress, even temporarily, by taking a drug that will upset my brain chemistry and my nervous system.

Just now I poured a few of the beads out of one of the capsules and chewed them and swallowed them. Just like when I took a swallow of wine a couple of weeks ago, the inside of my head is now burning and throbbing and I feel such rage. That I am succumbing to temptation, even to the extent of going through these kinds of gestures, is maddening. I feel so much frustration and loathing.

I know that what I must do is go about my day as best I can, throbbing head and all. I must accept that I've forfeited the possibility of being able to take a nap (sleep is the only thing I look forward to, especially since it's finally gotten better this past week or so), but that I will probably still be able to sleep normally tonight. A couple of extended-release beads out of a 10mg capsule of Adderall is not going to affect me physiologically to the point of keeping me from sleeping, any more than breathing cigarette smoke or weed vapor secondhand does.

The temptation remains just to down three or four of the capsules and let the high take me where it will.


----------



## misspharmacyashley

On day two of being off methamphetamine.. so far so good.


----------



## badfish45

misspharmacyashley said:


> On day two of being off methamphetamine.. so far so good.



How's that going for you?


----------



## OverDone

panic in paradise said:


> "This is the Speed/Meth/Amphetamines MEGA Thread. This thread will focus on the unique challenges and problems caused by amphetamine dependence. Talk about your struggles with psychosis, battle to get clean and generally get support here!"
> 
> - chicpoena
> 
> JUST TO ADD THE BASIC RULES HERE:
> - no advocating anything in the amphetamine family
> - think of wat u say wen u post.....diffrent ppl here r at diffrent stages of recovery - cud u b triggering a lapse/relapse by something u say
> - no personal attacks.....plz PM the mods if u r upset by something a user has said.....we can usually sort it out
> - this thread is about addiction, for addicts.....if ur not an addict, u r welcome to hav ur piece to say, but it must b helpful for us who r suffering from amphetamine addiction
> -support/advice/(negative) experiences and ur offering help to others is the basis of this thread
> - *if u find ur post isnt here, high chance its been deleted cos u didnt read these rules properly*



...


----------



## Addyman

I was about to edit my post and say I did a poor job of explaining the main purpose of my story was,

No matter how much you do, or how long you've done it, you can quit. I just thought I'd post a story so I don't sound like every anti-drug advocate who has no real experience with drugs or having a druggie family member

Long story short: My dad did 3.5g of pure meth daily for 10 years, and quit cold turkey just because he wanted to. He walked away with little to no cognitive ability decrease. He admits withdrawal makes you have suicidal thoughts, but he knew not to act on them because withdrawal is temporary.


----------



## soundsystem00

I use to be addicted to heroin. Using meth has become more and more frequent these days, but I don't find it near as bad. 

The only time I have bad experiences is when I do too much and have psycosis


----------



## footscrazy

Addyman said:


> Long story short: My dad did 3.5g of pure meth daily for 10 years, and quit cold turkey just because he wanted to. He walked away with little to no cognitive ability decrease. He admits withdrawal makes you have suicidal thoughts, but he knew not to act on them because withdrawal is temporary.



Meth _is_ neurotoxic so for him to walk away with little/no cognitive impairment is the exception, not the rule. 3.5g of pure is a _huge_ amount of meth, so whether or not he notices any impairment, I would think there is almost no doubt that he has suffered extensive brain changes because of this habit. (Remember that it takes losing 80%+ of your dopamine receptors to perceive any change.) And, all studies suggest that this damage is not temporary, but permanent (at least for 5+ years), although it can improve somewhat. I find it amazing that someone could get to this daily amount, because I was using pure meth too, and by the time I'd had enough to get high (.5-.7, usually), the physical effects were so bad I was hospitalised a few times, and had heart rates of above 200 a minute, etc etc. Was he a large guy? Also, how was he taking it? If he was just eating it, the story makes more sense, but you couldn't puff through 3.5g a day even if you puffed continously, and that's a ridiculous amount to bang, and if he was injecting I'm _amazed_ he didn't die of a heart attack. Also consider - a tolerance so huge, would most likely suggest a ridiculously huge downregulation of dopamine receptors, which more than likely will impact on him later in life, if not now.

I _do_ agree with you though that anyone can quit, but for some people it'll be much harder than others.


----------



## Captain.Heroin

Addyman said:


> I was about to edit my post and say I did a poor job of explaining the main purpose of my story was,
> 
> No matter how much you do, or how long you've done it, you can quit. I just thought I'd post a story so I don't sound like every anti-drug advocate who has no real experience with drugs or having a druggie family member
> 
> Long story short: My dad did 3.5g of pure meth daily for 10 years, and quit cold turkey just because he wanted to. He walked away with little to no cognitive ability decrease. He admits withdrawal makes you have suicidal thoughts, but he knew not to act on them because withdrawal is temporary.



How long was the withdrawal for that level of use?

I am glad to hear he quit though!  That's very inspiring.


----------



## whynaught

footscrazy said:


> (Remember that it takes losing 80%+ of your dopamine receptors to perceive any change.)


This is scary as hell.


----------



## Addyman

footscrazy said:


> Meth _is_ neurotoxic so for him to walk away with little/no cognitive impairment is the exception, not the rule. 3.5g of pure is a _huge_ amount of meth, so whether or not he notices any impairment, I would think there is almost no doubt that he has suffered extensive brain changes because of this habit. (Remember that it takes losing 80%+ of your dopamine receptors to perceive any change.) And, all studies suggest that this damage is not temporary, but permanent (at least for 5+ years), although it can improve somewhat. I find it amazing that someone could get to this daily amount, because I was using pure meth too, and by the time I'd had enough to get high (.5-.7, usually), the physical effects were so bad I was hospitalised a few times, and had heart rates of above 200 a minute, etc etc. Was he a large guy? Also, how was he taking it? If he was just eating it, the story makes more sense, but you couldn't puff through 3.5g a day even if you puffed continously, and that's a ridiculous amount to bang, and if he was injecting I'm _amazed_ he didn't die of a heart attack. Also consider - a tolerance so huge, would most likely suggest a ridiculously huge downregulation of dopamine receptors, which more than likely will impact on him later in life, if not now.
> 
> I _do_ agree with you though that anyone can quit, but for some people it'll be much harder than others.



He preferred Railing, Smoking, and uncommonly parachuted
He said Smoking lasts somewhere like 4 hours
Railing lasts around 12+ hours
Parachuting lasts like 15+ hours
^The fact he said smoking lasts 4 hours compared to the other 2 lasting 12+ makes me very confused

He never once Injected or plugged
He weighed around 200lbs the entire time. He liked to eat, he said it felt like another hit as soon as he would eat a cheeseburger... he thinks it had something to do with your body having more "energy" from eating? He doesn't know much about the actual mechanics of it all... but he knows from experience how it made him feel



Captain.Heroin said:


> How long was the withdrawal for that level of use?
> 
> I am glad to hear he quit though!  That's very inspiring.


 
I think he said it was a week... but I could be wrong... in fact I think I'll ask him tonight


----------



## misspharmacyashley

badfish45 said:


> How's that going for you?



it was going great! i slipped today and ate a point maybe 2 . i don't know why i did it. i didn't even want to do it and was wishing it would just disappear right as i popped it. i don't have a desire to go back. it felt good for a couple hours and then nothing but anxiety since. how i ever got ON that drug, i don't know. so here's to starting over! i'm proud of my clean time and since i know i can do it, i'm sure this little bump in the road will come and pass with ease.


----------



## Legerity

^Can just be a learning experience that reinforces your desire to stay away from it   The anxiety is always what gets to me in the end; it is relentless.


----------



## soundsystem00

I had 9 months clean from meth, and all it took was doing it once again to start it all over. I dunno, it just carves itself into my head and wont go away. Its a mind game. A week without it seems like years. I never do it more than once a week, but lately it has been every week. I don't really want to quit either, but seeing this thread makes me want to rethink.


----------



## Captain.Heroin

Addyman said:


> I think he said it was a week... but I could be wrong... in fact I think I'll ask him tonight


 
I am interested.  I can personally attest that a week of feeling suicidally depressed isn't easy by any means, although I know I have had PAWS from heroin last significantly longer than a week.

I have heard the same thing from d-amp users who only take a break to lower tolerance, that the WD's only really last 5 days.



soundsystem00 said:


> I had 9 months clean from meth, and all it took was doing it once again to start it all over. I dunno, it just carves itself into my head and wont go away. Its a mind game. A week without it seems like years. I never do it more than once a week, but lately it has been every week. I don't really want to quit either, but seeing this thread makes me want to rethink.



Well once a week is a lot of discipline, knowing how some people use it.

Are there any down sides to using it once a week?  Do you think not using it at all would give you a greater sense of accomplishment?

Nonetheless, I have a lot of hope for you - if you wanted to quit for good again, I'm sure you can.


----------



## footscrazy

IME...acute withdrawals don't last long, up to a week. That's not really the problem with meth though as it's not physical dependence which is the primary component of meth addiction. 

It took about 2 months for me to get back to 'normal' after stopping. That was about the time I noticed the cravings had lost their intensity, I had an adequate amount of motivation, and I was getting some pleasure out of normal activities. I don't believe complete recovery is ever possible - at least 'complete' in terms of brain changes, I don't think the brain will ever go back to how it was prior to meth use, and some damage will never be repaired. I don't think that necessarily has to have any negative impact on your life though.


----------



## soundsystem00

Captain.Heroin said:


> I am interested.  I can personally attest that a week of feeling suicidally depressed isn't easy by any means, although I know I have had PAWS from heroin last significantly longer than a week.
> 
> I have heard the same thing from d-amp users who only take a break to lower tolerance, that the WD's only really last 5 days.
> 
> 
> 
> Well once a week is a lot of discipline, knowing how some people use it.
> 
> Are there any down sides to using it once a week?  Do you think not using it at all would give you a greater sense of accomplishment?
> 
> Nonetheless, I have a lot of hope for you - if you wanted to quit for good again, I'm sure you can.



thanks man. great advice as usual. yes, once a week tops. I have fun sober all the time. <snip> no, I don't really have the urge to quit, but I may slow down. the neurotoxicity has always freaked me out.

I don't get any negative effects from it usually. I can eat on it if on hungry, can take a few benadry and go to sleep when I want, don't mind the comedown and don't mind any of the side effects.


----------



## Cohesion

*3 months+2 days off Adderall*

I had to quit Adderall because I abused it (with Klonopin) to the point of VERY HEAVY sleep. I could not be awoken and I left my toddler unattended. Now she is living with my brother. 

I have cravings almost every day. I can get the drug any time, but I made the choice to repair my life. I know that it is impossible for me to use Adderall in any "constrained" (aka. as prescribed) manner.

FWIW Klonopin cravings are stronger & more frequent, even though Adderall was my DOC. I play with the thought almost daily to get back on Klonopin. 

Since quitting I sometimes will take Bronkaid (ephedrine) for that little bit of extra energy to get things done. I used to not be able to do ANYTHING without amps. Now I can. I abused it for 14 months.

I have 3 months off Adderall, and 2 months off Klonopin.


----------



## Addyman

I was at someone's house (who I know is a tweaker)

I saw a little container, said "1 gram *insert price here* mixed" (I assume it was 1g pure meth in liquid)

I was so tempted to get a dropper, and put a drop in my nose
or just a drop or 3 in my mouth

This is not a good sign, only reason I didn't do it is because I wasn't 100% if it was meth... could be PCP for all I damn know

and I've never done meth before

This is rediculous


----------



## methboy

Hello guys! 

I'm new here.. I'm now 8 months clean from smoking crystal meth.. I had a huge panic attack from a comedown 1 day that's why I stopped smoking, the panic attacks are gone but I'm still very anxious to this day 
and lately I'm having hypnagogic hallucinations before sleeping.. I would like to ask if some of you guys experience this? is this PAWS? will the anxiousness and the hypnagogic hallucinations stop?.. I hope somebody
could enlighten me thanks guys!


----------



## footscrazy

^ I have experienced something similar, to the point where I became really afraid to sleep, as I was afraid of that period between being conscious and falling asleep, that 'in between' stage where you're still able to feel your consciousness slipping away. That used to really freak me out. 

I was diagnosed with panic disorder and generalised anxiety after 3 years of regular meth and mdma use, I'm not sure how much the drugs contributed, but I'd guess a fair bit. My anxiety was severe, I was suicidal most minutes of every day for about 6 months. Worst time in my life, for sure...The severity of it made me quit drugs completely for a year, and do some serious work on my anxiety. I don't think it would have improved without the huge amount of effort I put into cbt, meditation and exercise. I guess in a way it was beneficial because of that, because I believe I have ten times the amount of control over my anxiety now, in many ways, I'm cured of it. It was a terribly shit way to learn a lesson though. Even though I returned to my meth addiction with a vengeance after that year, and fell into near daily use for too many more years after that.

Buuut long story short - yes, I believe it is very much improvable


----------



## soundsystem00

I have noticed I don't really enjoy art anymore unless I am speeding.


----------



## Captain.Heroin

soundsystem00 said:


> I have noticed I don't really enjoy art anymore unless I am speeding.



I always have an appreciation for music, especially my favorite musician/project.  

Are you talking about paintings, or most forms of art?


----------



## soundsystem00

Any form of art. The longer I stay clean, the more I can enjoy drawing. Its slowly coming back to me, but I still suck. When I start doing it alot is when I hate art without it. Nothing I can't handle, though.


----------



## Renz Envy

mami said:


> I had to quit Adderall because I abused it (with Klonopin) to the point of VERY HEAVY sleep. I could not be awoken and I left my toddler unattended. Now she is living with my brother.
> 
> I have cravings almost every day. I can get the drug any time, but I made the choice to repair my life. I know that it is impossible for me to use Adderall in any "constrained" (aka. as prescribed) manner.
> 
> FWIW Klonopin cravings are stronger & more frequent, even though Adderall was my DOC. I play with the thought almost daily to get back on Klonopin.
> 
> Since quitting I sometimes will take Bronkaid (ephedrine) for that little bit of extra energy to get things done. I used to not be able to do ANYTHING without amps. Now I can. I abused it for 14 months.
> 
> I have 3 months off Adderall, and 2 months off Klonopin.



It feels good to recover from amphetamine addiction and find yourself back in your old shoes. It gave me a lot of added confidence I needed to actively perform at the level I need to to be successful in my goals.


----------



## Urgez

i justify my amphetamine addiction by reminding myself how it has (and is bringing) brought me closer to my dream of commercial artistic success. i was a lazy FUCK before. 

i know it's out of control...

but i'm so close, i'm really playing with fire here, but why can't i see the value of being sober once more?


----------



## footscrazy

^ I think every drug has its positives as well as its negatives. The problem seems to be though, in my experience with meth (and most other drugs too for that matter), that over time the positives decrease and the negatives increase. And when you're dealing with an addiction, you gradually end up losing any ground you may have gained, and then start going backwards. And you end up stuck with both recovery from an addiction and the long process of rebuilding your life. 

I think meth is one of the least sustainable habits, too.


----------



## Captain.Heroin

soundsystem00 said:


> Any form of art. The longer I stay clean, the more I can enjoy drawing. Its slowly coming back to me, but I still suck. When I start doing it alot is when I hate art without it. Nothing I can't handle, though.



I gotcha.  

I think with time it'll definitely come back to you.


----------



## TripTastik

I am struggling really badly with amphetamine addiction right now.

I'm not sure what to do, I'm prescribed and I've been using them for over 6 years and I just don't know how to stop, I abuse myself with the stuff all the time.

I feel like I can't do anything without them, but once I'm on them, I feel like I'm never doing enough or doing less than I was without.

Does anyone have any advice? I've tried using mild stimulants to get off amps but it just didn't work, I just want to feel free again.


----------



## Addyman

_EDIT: sorry, that's not what this thread is for --OverDone_


----------



## dontstopthemusic

never had a change to use meth... but kudos to you who can over come your addictions... and those who are trying keep up the fight... you are stronger than a drug... ive done many drugs in my life but never had meth.. so i cant say i know how you feel... but i know your struggle...


----------



## Adelady

Almost 3 weeks clean... this thread helped me make the decision, and gave me some really good detoxing pointers... thankyou all 
First week detoxed at home by myself... fuck it was so hard... if I'd had the cash I wouldn't have gotten through, and I had the foresight to delete all contacts, thank goodness, or i would've ticced it up and got on it again...
Second week I got a place in inpatient withdrawal... it was really helpful to assist me in gaining focus, setting goals, and working out my game plan.
Home since Tuesday and I'm lucky to live in a drug-free house :D One housey hides in his room all day, and I've recruited the other two to 'Team Adelady'... told them the truth and they are so supportive... they even brought their dog (who I had looked after by myself for the 6 weeks previously when they were OS, forming a mega-bond with ...) into detox to see me one day... bless them   That really made my day...
Happy to have a few beers, share a joint or the odd cone, but I hope to stay away from amphetamines, especially the pipe forever... 
To all who are fighting, I join in and support you. 

Love and positivity  xx


----------



## Addyman

_<nope>_


----------



## OverDone

panic in paradise said:


> "This is the Speed/Meth/Amphetamines MEGA Thread. This thread will focus on the unique challenges and problems caused by amphetamine dependence. Talk about your struggles with psychosis, battle to get clean and generally get support here!"
> 
> - chicpoena
> 
> JUST TO ADD THE BASIC RULES HERE:
> - no advocating anything in the amphetamine family
> - think of wat u say wen u post.....diffrent ppl here r at diffrent stages of recovery - cud u b triggering a lapse/relapse by something u say
> - no personal attacks.....plz PM the mods if u r upset by something a user has said.....we can usually sort it out
> - this thread is about addiction, for addicts.....if ur not an addict, u r welcome to hav ur piece to say, but it must b helpful for us who r suffering from amphetamine addiction
> -support/advice/(negative) experiences and ur offering help to others is the basis of this thread
> -* if u find ur post isnt here, high chance its been deleted cos u didnt read these rules properly*


^^^


----------



## Addyman

Why can't this just be called the "Meth/Amphetamine Quitting/Abstaining Megathread"

I mean... wheres the normal meth megathread where I can actually talk about its use


----------



## Legerity

Other Drugs has the following thread about meth use: http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/133903-Hints-and-tips-for-meth-smokers..  Probably not the best place if you are trying to abstain.

None of the threads in TDS are for discussing the high of a drug or how to get the most out of it, etc, etc.


----------



## OverDone

Addyman said:


> Why can't this just be called the "Meth/Amphetamine Quitting/Abstaining Megathread"
> 
> I mean... wheres the normal meth megathread where I can actually talk about its use



 Why can't you adapt to the dissimilar nature of each Forum and read Guidelines?
If you have questions, PM a moderator of that Forum.  Do not fuck with threads regarding serious topics simply because they don't meet your particular demands and self serving needs


----------



## Doug2113

I've been completely off meth for a year come December, and that time was the first time in 6 months I had done it. When I think about smoking...<snip>it makes me REALLY REALLY want to do it, but I resist. Will I EVER get rid of these cravings or will I just have to deal with it for the rest of my life? I never really seemed to be addicted to the feeling of being on it (I only had one or two SUPER spun moments where things fast-forwarded life to where I only experienced it in small intervals of time before it fast-forwarded it again to a new point in time with the super euphoria), but I just got SO OBSESSED with the act of smoking it (if you couldn't tell). I was on and off of it for about a year having no more than 6 weeks off of it between relapses (probably an average of 1.5-2 weeks between), and most of the time I quit/relapsed was because I lost a job/got a new one. So like I asked...will I ever get away from these...drug cravings isn't the right word...maybe ROA cravings, or smoking cravings? If that makes sense.

Edit: Sorry if this breaks guidelines. Delete parts of this that you must or even all of it. Just trying to express entirely what I'm struggling with specifically.


----------



## DJW

Good luck to all of you trying to quit. I was in your boat once, and I still face temptation, but I manage to do without. Not to sound cliche, but 'YOU CAN DO IT!' lol


----------



## Legerity

Doug2113 said:


> I've been completely off meth for a year come December, and that time was the first time in 6 months I had done it. When I think about smoking...<snip>it makes me REALLY REALLY want to do it, but I resist. Will I EVER get rid of these cravings or will I just have to deal with it for the rest of my life? I never really seemed to be addicted to the feeling of being on it (I only had one or two SUPER spun moments where things fast-forwarded life to where I only experienced it in small intervals of time before it fast-forwarded it again to a new point in time with the super euphoria), but I just got SO OBSESSED with the act of smoking it (if you couldn't tell). I was on and off of it for about a year having no more than 6 weeks off of it between relapses (probably an average of 1.5-2 weeks between), and most of the time I quit/relapsed was because I lost a job/got a new one. So like I asked...will I ever get away from these...drug cravings isn't the right word...maybe ROA cravings, or smoking cravings? If that makes sense.
> 
> Edit: Sorry if this breaks guidelines. Delete parts of this that you must or even all of it. Just trying to express entirely what I'm struggling with specifically.



Yes it seems like you are as attached to smoking as the meth itself.  I've met lots of people that quit whatever and say that years down the road they still have occasional thoughts about it but that it just doesn't really have an effect anymore.  If somebody continues to have strong cravings for years I suspect that some of the reasons behind the substance use had not been completely dealt with.


----------



## footscrazy

Legerity said:
			
		

> If somebody continues to have strong cravings for years I suspect that some of the reasons behind the substance use had not been completely dealt with.



I agree with this. Most of the years I was using I used very regularly but there was one point when I had a year off. I guess I knew during that time that it was just a break. I wasn't planning to use again, but I hadn't planned _not_ to use again, and I think that makes all the difference.

Now, I'm at a point again where I've been quit for 9 months (exactly today %)) and I feel very different than I did during my year break. I _know_ that I wont use again. It's because of that that I think the cravings have lessened so much. Now cravings are just an annoyance so I don't even indulge them for a second. Because I think when you haven't decided _not_ to use again it's easy to reminisce, and fall back into cravings, imagining what it used to be like, because you think it will help you make an informed decision about what's better, using or not using, or something. And because one part of your brain _does_ want to use - and cravings are that part of the brain's way to get you to use, because cravings release a small amount of dopamine to persuade you to go and find even more, by using. That's why strong cravings can almost feel like being high.

Anyway, I can attest to the fact that cravings can lessen even after years of abuse. There was a time when even reading the word would send a hot wave of adrenaline coursing through me, have me shaking and unable to focus. My cravings were intense. Now, I can think about it and my body doesn't even react. I still find it amazing, but awesome too. I still do get the odd craving, but they hold no power over me anymore.


----------



## snookum

methboy said:


> I'm new here.. I'm now 8 months clean from smoking crystal meth.. I had a huge panic attack from a comedown 1 day that's why I stopped smoking, the panic attacks are gone but I'm still very anxious to this day
> and lately I'm having hypnagogic hallucinations before sleeping.. I would like to ask if some of you guys experience this? is this PAWS? will the anxiousness and the hypnagogic hallucinations stop?.. I hope somebody
> could enlighten me thanks guys!


 

well done on ur 8 months, its a hell of an achievement 
i would say anxiety and meth use kinda go hand in hand, atleast as far as i understand. My anxiety would linger long after the smoking stopped. I went to a psychologist on a monthly basis for 6 months and she actually helped alot in curbing my anxiety. She showed me meditation techniques, and disciplining mysubconscious scripts. Made a huge difference  
As for the hynagogic hallucinations- are u referring to the times when when ur mind is awake but ur body is asleep/paralysed? I hated that too! It used to scare the shit out of me, i would pop half a benzo to relax me. It went away pretty quickly once i got a regular pattern happening. All the best mate.


----------



## im3rdworld

i have a love and hate relation with meth. when ever i go clean for a few weeks i miss the energy. i personally have never had a bad pyscological or physical reaction from amps ( heavy user since three years). but i know they are dangerous because you can be addicted to it and still live a normal life and not know it and than out of nowhere it spirals out of control leaving one in a big mess.
my advice would be if you have not done it dont experiment with it.  amphetamines are very deceptive in nature.


----------



## Cohesion

I need to talk about a huge trigger, feedback is welcome.

The trigger is that I have an appointment with a new Psychiatrist in 10 days. I am having minor cravings. I have been off Adderall for 4+ months. Last week I started toying with the idea of Vyvanse. I am extremely confident I can get almost any drug I want from almost any doctor. 

6 weeks ago I conveniently set the stage for this when I came in for assessment. The case worker fed into my portrayal of "exacerbating ADHD symptoms"; I know this because I read her case notes. FWIW I do not have ADHD; in fact my concentration is superb due to 20-50 minutes/day meditation.

I am working to justify my use of Vyvanse (if I get prescribed as planned). 

A) I am actually doing true recovery and emotional work for the first time ever; I feel strong willed. 

B) I will take it as prescribed because I am subject to random drug screens that test my levels. I have my parenting rights at stake; I will not risk bad drug test results. 

C) I have a friend who is willing to give me my medication daily OR flush it if I prove incapable of controlling myself to not overtake it.

D) My plan is to use it for only 3 months. I don't want to use it longer because amphetamine=hair loss. I am willing to go through the process of withdrawl because I believe potential benefits (point E listed below) will outweigh the temporary pain of withdrawl.

E) *I believe it will help me to stay focused & motivated on working more, thus making lots of money. T*his is important to me because I want to get a 2 bedroom apartment, with a sizeable kitchen, and have enough for furnishings, etc. 

I will be looking for responses. I can't talk about this trigger in my outpatient because my stay will be extended; I cannot afford to give up any more time away from my developing child. Sharing about it in AA/NA isn't going to help because I need solid feedback. 

TIA


----------



## godlovesugly

im 6 months clean from meth. this is the longest ive been clean. its crazy. i still struggle with the mental obsession i have with this drug. and i still get the drug dreams that are intense. but i just gotta remember, i cant use NO MATTER WHAT.


----------



## Legerity

@mami

When I was focusing on staying away from the speed pills going around here, being prescribed dexedrine was a big help.  My entire lifestyle improved.  That said, I did eventually begin to binge on them for days just like I would with anything else.  Whetherany benefit was from the substance itself or just from having replaced something wrong with it, I don't know.  Whether this was from the substance itself or just from having replaced something "stronger" (i.e. illegal with stigma)  than it, I don't know.  But I don't really care either.  If it helps you then it helps you.  If you notice it preventing you from achieving whatever it is that you want to achieve then you know that it is always possible to change your plans.  All the best


----------



## footscrazy

Legerity said:
			
		

> If you notice it preventing you from achieving whatever it is that you want to achieve then you know that it is always possible to change your plans.



The problem is this is sometimes easier said than done, and it gets harder once you're actively using.

*mami*, I think only you can make the decision, but try to be as fully aware of your motivations as possible. From your post it seems to me _at some level_ you feel there's more to wanting vyvanse than it's purely functional use. I say this because of how you've talked about 'setting the stage', your triggers, and your mild cravings. If you really, truly knew you only wanted it for a medicinal use, would you even need to justify it?

I can only speak from experience when I say I can be extremely good at convincing even myself that I have no ulterior motives for doing something. A sometimes useful trick I use with myself, is that whenever my thoughts are justifying the use of a psychoactive drug, I know it's my addiction speaking! 

I guess another question would be, if it really helps you to achieve your goals of working hard and earning money, why would you stop after 3 months? Even if you achieve your goal of getting your apartment, surely earning more money while working on vyvanse would easily be a justifiable reason to keep taking it instead of stopping and earning less money. This is where I think you can get into dangerous territory. I too justified my (meth) use with the thought I'd earn more money, but overall, the time I lost due to addiction and recovery far outweighed any small extras I got while using.


----------



## Legerity

Oh hell yeah it's very hard to learn to differentiate.  And I don't claim that I'm fully able to.  What I mean is that it doesn't really matter in the end.

I have bouts of paranoia...sometimes if I've doing a lot of amphetamines I think I'm speaking to spies, robots, people after to get me, etc.

Sounds fucked up, no?  But I can also totally ignore that and live my life normally without worrying about any of those things because ultimately they do not matter.

I''m NOT saying that's it's necessarily good or healthy to have paranoia.  But if it does comes, it seems there's two options.  Learn to live with it there, or get consumed with it and stuck in a permanent state of psychosis.  And for the record, I don't necessarly think psychosis is  a sickness or delusional. Just a different perspective.  It's easy for a person to discount it until they've experienced it.   But permanently stuck there isn't really helpful if you want to function within society.   At least in my experience every time that I've experienced it and let it pass, my mind has been in a stronger state than it was before.

So I'm not recommending that all.  And I certainly don't use speed to achieve that paranoia.  But if it's there, it can be managed and I predict that once it's fully seen for what it is then all fear becomes powerless because one has learned to experience pretty much the worst fear possible without letting it take over their mind.  Just how threatening can something like losing your job seem after you've experienced the terror of having conspiracies created against you.

So...eliminate fear, or accept it?  I've spent years trying to eliminate it and it's gotten me nowhere.  If I can feal fear without it determining my behaviour then I'm free to do what I want. 

I'll be honest though...I've been pretty close to losing it at times and still have some actions to take to undo paranoid decisons that I've made under the influence.  And I've come close to doing some things that cannot be undone.  But I wouldn't change a thing; and having faced the fear of death, powerlessness, conspiracies against me, etc., there's not really much else I can worry about because I've already felt all those fears.

There are certainly other things i'm stressed about.  But the fear is the same.  The fear I feel of failure is the same amount of fear I would have of death.  Fear is empty regardless of where it comes from.   But real or not, I've had the expereince of fearing for my life and now no longer have to wonder about how that feels.  I dunno, I just try to look at the bright side.  As long as I'm able to process the experience and return back to a functional state then I'm grateful for that.

Again...not suggesting this to anybody.  This is just how it is for me.  If I could tweak every day without anxiety I sure as hell would.  But if the anxiety is there I prefer to learn from it than to let it control me.


----------



## footscrazy

Legerity said:
			
		

> What I mean is that it doesn't really matter in the end.



I'm not sure what you mean by this. Decisions have consequences, and maybe you can learn to live with them or they make you a stronger person in the end, but they could also have negative consequences. To a certain level I think it's important to predict the consequences of your actions, and make decisions that you think will be the best for you. As a recovering meth addict myself I couldn't conceptualise a choice to use a stimulant drug again to not really matter in the end. In fact, I think it would greatly alter the course of my life. 

I do apologise if this isn't what you were getting at.


----------



## Legerity

No I totally agree with you that each person needs to assess what the consequences of their actions are.  My actions should have, and still may, lead to me getting deeper into something that I will forever regret.  This is my personal choice to take a risk and I am willing to deal with the consequences.  Of course I think I'm right.  But there is not very much I'm attached to.  Job, money, home, etc.  The attachments that I have left I'm working on getting rid of.

Because of it, I'm so fascinated by the process, and am willing to put everything I have on the line in order to learn about it.

In no way do I suggest that this is what somebody else should do.  In the past, maybe I would be more tempted to push my views on others.   This is inappropriate, because many of my views are theoretical from what I have read and studied without having gone through myself.

So while I don't suggest it, I also won't hide it because if I do end up having learned what I had hoped, then that is useful information for others.  If I'm totally wrong and end up with a permanent psychosis, then that is also a learning experience for myself and one more case to show people just how deceiving and dangerous meth/amphetamines can really be.

So of course I have my assumptions.  I'm just willing to test them until the end.  I do not want to be a cliche but please do not do what I do and assume it is something good.  It's like an experiment on myself.  

In the future I will attempt to make it more clear that my beliefs are still being tested.  I do have several experiences that would be warning signs to stop.  I also have several experiences that indicate it is worth further exploring.  This is just a personal endeavor and because I truly have nothing to lose that would prevent me from exploring this (career, family, wealthy, etc.) I'm in the perfect opportunity to do so.  

I've also been studying drugs and addiction for years (psychology, addiction counseling, in rehab, worked in rehab, 12-step programs, academic research).  And I also tend to be painfully introspective.   I don't necessarily have a better understanding but I do believe that I have a perspective that could only be had based on my own experiences.  Just like each of us.  If I don't test them out then I feel it would have all been for nothing.

So everybody: As certain as I pretend to be sometimes, please just many my theoretic posts as some sort of experiment and hope that I do well or hope that I lose my mind, depending how you feel about me     I'm sorry if I've encouraged others to follow my path.

As of now if I offer suggestions I will make sure that it is based on support rather than theories I believe in that I've not yet completely finished exploring.  It isn't right for me to do so.  But I also appreciate the opportunity to be able to share them as long as I acknowledge what they are.


----------



## Cohesion

footscrazy said:


> I'm not sure what you mean by this. Decisions have consequences, and maybe you can learn to live with them or they make you a stronger person in the end, but they could also have negative consequences. To a certain level I think it's important to predict the consequences of your actions, and make decisions that you think will be the best for you. As a recovering meth addict myself I couldn't conceptualise a choice to use a stimulant drug again to not really matter in the end. In fact, I think it would greatly alter the course of my life.
> 
> I do apologise if this isn't what you were getting at.



Thanks for feedback. Footscrazy you are right on by catching onto my language of addiction. In fact I had to clean up my post after I first wrote it, trying to sound as inconspicuous as possible. Looking for permission, of course..

Incidentally I read this a few days ago and the only thing I listened to was Legerity saying that Dexedrine helped him. I selectively did NOT remember him saying that he also abused it! 

Decisions have consequences. TBH if it doesn't happen I'll totally get over it- and probably be grateful. If I DO get it then I might have a problem on my hands! I need to play the tape through some more. 

To be fair I'm pretty motivated right now. I'm still practicing meditation daily and one effect is creating an environment of subtlety in my body. This became very apparent today. I take Wellbutrin 200mg and as it "kicked in" I could actually feel it! Today I have been working on my objective non-stop! If it's not broke, don't fix it??

Even if I presented in court, prescribed psychoactive substances (taking properly or not) will lower the judge's opinion of me I would _guess_. In an ideal situation I prefer to have the CLEANEST presentation as possible. 

So, more tape-playing ...


----------



## Captain.Heroin

Mami.....

My opinion is that if you choose to ask for a medication, please go for a low to moderate dosage, not the highest one.  Try to not leave much room for error, just in case you may begin to abuse the medication.  

If you don't, and things go well, you can always ask for a reasonable increase.  It's much better to err on the side of caution.


----------



## Cohesion

thatguy1243 said:


> How long have you been taking wellbutrin? do you feel that its's effects act as a postivie anti-depressant or a sufficient subistitue to the "kick" crystal users tend to lean towards? Would you say that this is positive or negative for a former meth user such as myself? What have been some of the effects its had on your life? Has it made it better?



I can respond to this because i've seen a few questions recently on BL about Wellbutrin. Plus i think there is some value for those with Amphetamine as DOC, so it's related. 

In what way are you addicted to it? I.E. thoughts, cravings, overtaking it? I think as long as the same dose is taken every day, that is an awesome success story how well it is working for you.. very positive! Meth and other amps lend to abuse and extremely negative effects in our lives. I don't see that potential with Wellbutrin, am i right?

I only have my own experience. I've taken it consistently for 2 months. While I never noticed the effects directly, I sure never forgot to take it past 2pm- I'm not sure what this means exactly.. either it really IS noticeable OR because my DOCs are mostly prescription pills, I could be conditioned by the act of taking pills (any pill), which provides me some dopamine release. I think it has made my life better. I don't have a control model to compare myself to -- I have a lot of confounding factors (quitting Paxil, quitting Klonopin, quitting Adderall, quitting cannabis, beginning Meditation, beginning a daily routine/commitment IRL) but one thing I noticed that is brand new since Wellbutrin- sustained energy all.day. Nothing euphoric, simply the lack of need to "lie down and rest a bit". Previously to WB, this tendency of lethargy I have always found very stressful and contributed to my depression as well.  
Best to you.

Also, TY C.H, Noted!


----------



## Cohesion

*Post-appointment update*

Yesterday was the appointment. I got prescribed the Vyvanse. Turns out my insurance needs a few days to process it... today I took advantage of that lapse and talked to my psychologist about how I'm afraid of making a Bad Choice in doing this. I'm completely honest with her so she is able to actually _help.
_
Friday night I noticed that a single beer or 2 (I have a few times a week) didn't "work" for me anymore a.k.a. get me 'high'. Saturday night I went to the e.r. for vicodin and i overtook it. I thought that vicodin would get me high, it didn't. Monday I'm prescribed the stimulant, but I intervened with the help of my therapist and taking baby steps in following my conscience.

really all I had to do was visualize the following scenario and from there it seemed much, much easier to actualize:

I called the nurse today, told her that I didn't want to take a stimulant, that I had read up on Vyvanse. 

Done and done. I'll get over it. No new problems needed.


----------



## effie

Mami, it sounds like you made the right decision! That can't have been easy, good work  

It is far better to be entirely honest with your psychologist or doctor, if at all possible, so they can really help you.. and it sounds like avoiding amphetamines altogether is definitely the best plan for you


----------



## footscrazy

Awesome work mami. I can imagine it'd be very difficult to go back at the point you did, so you should be congratulated on your strength and resolve.


----------



## Addyman

I quit meth 2 weeks ago
Despite having cheap and high purity sources for it

I now just stick to my Adderall


----------



## herbavore

Addyman, that is monumental! Congratulations


----------



## Cohesion

Thanks guys %)


----------



## Jabberwocky

I have no idea why but I received an sms from someone tonight telling me they have stuff after many months of not having it. Any how last year in December I had the dumb idea of getting some meth for my mate's b'day. He had never really used the drug and I hadn't really either besides 2 - 4 times. We were the best of drinking and mdma buddies. Although we stopped taking pills many years ago. So the night was festive and I managed to get an 8 ball thinking it would be enough to share around. Sure enough it was and it was also enough to hook us in. 

Over the next few months our frequency ranged from 1 times a week to 2 times a week. My sleep patterns became ruined and I noticed myself getting more and more depressed and knew it was because of it yet I chose to ignore it as it made me happy when on it. Some how I justified the pay off as being worthwhile. Bad mistake from my behalf as since quitting it I haven't felt mentally as strong and needed to up my anti depressant medication. It's not to say I don't know how to perform well still at other things and for a fact I finished my Masters of Business whilst using this drug infrequently. 

Any how now after not using it for months - roughly 5 - 6 the offer has come once again. I feel like saying no as it's the right thing to do and I have a bright future ahead and yet this other part of me, the part which is constantly not elevated, bored and depressed says go and do it once more. And this is the part which daunts me. 

All I can say is this drug was one hell of a drug. More so because it boosted your daily life or your entertainment and thus it was hard to wean off. Lucky enough we were sticking to doing it once a week besides the few occasions where it was 2 times a week. They were as some people would suggest fun times but depressing as well, as we weren't getting the best out of ourselves but rather the worst


----------



## Captain.Heroin

noonoo

Keep your mind focused on your long-term goals, your schooling/education/work, family life, etc.  

Before you know it, I am sure the boredom and depression will subside.  

If it doesn't, it's important to ask yourself - did I feel this way _before_ using?  If so, going to a doctor or therapist (or both) can help out a lot.  

Finally, if you did not feel this way before, but it doesn't go away after months/years, then it is possible that you have become depressed now.  I'm not sure if there would be any different approach you could take other than seeing the doctor and/or a therapist, however, all of these are great ideas for alleviating boredom and depression:

exercise, indoors or outdoors
spending time with family
volunteering for your community (it may sound cheesy but it's not)
read a book (particularly one that captures your interest)
finding time for yourself every day to sit back, and be able to praise yourself for your accomplishments.  Finishing a masters in Business must have taken a lot of dedication.


----------



## godlovesugly

im still clean from meth. its a miracle. 6 months, babyyy! i miss the high somedays...but i really dont wanna do it anymore. i fear that the next time i use, i will go crazy and end up in a psych ward [its happned before] or worse...jail/prison for a LONG time. its just not worth it anymore to me...

my doctor just prescribed me lamictal. im a little worried...because i was on it in the past and it made me feel up, wired, awake, almost tweaked out. when i was on it before, i didnt sleep at.all. it gave me alot of energy i never felt tired and thats why i got off it...but im pickin up my script tomorrow so i guess we'll see if it will effect me the same as it did in the past :/


----------



## Captain.Heroin

godlovesugly said:


> im still clean from meth. its a miracle. 6 months, babyyy! i miss the high somedays...but i really dont wanna do it anymore. i fear that the next time i use, i will go crazy and end up in a psych ward [its happned before] or worse...jail/prison for a LONG time. its just not worth it anymore to me...
> 
> my doctor just prescribed me lamictal. im a little worried...because i was on it in the past and it made me feel up, wired, awake, almost tweaked out. when i was on it before, i didnt sleep at.all. it gave me alot of energy i never felt tired and thats why i got off it...but im pickin up my script tomorrow so i guess we'll see if it will effect me the same as it did in the past :/



Did you share this idea with your doctor?  I'm sure he can find something else without these side effects.  

It doesn't sound like you had an ideal reaction to the medication to me.  It's up to you what to do though. 

Congrats on being clean for 6 months!  I know now that you've gotten to this point you must feel pretty accomplished.  :D


----------



## Mariposa

Still haven't done it.  3.5 years now.  I've had a couple offers but declined, as I am now on Ritalin (I actually do have ADD) and although it has its downsides, I feel better than I did when I used.

Got heavily triggered a handful of times, one of which was this past week.  I'll spare the details but it was something I saw that created in me the brief desire to use.  Yet I did not use.  I wouldn't say I had a problem with it, more like a brief love affair that didn't trainwreck as badly as it could have.  I consider myself lucky for at least that.  It's in the past where it belongs.

Congrats to all who are abstaining.  Keep up the good work.


----------



## raveninSJ

*Methamphetamine problem*

I smoke lots of crystal. But the sad part is, I want more for my life. I want to get married, have kids, but I'm 22, and I've been dancing with the devils dust since I was 13. I don't even know how to get motivated? Any ideas? realistically


----------



## charcoal

Get a hobby. Seriously. My passionate hobbies have kept me going over the years. Going to club meetings, discussing online with fellow hobbyists, arranging get togethers of the locals. In my case it was trading one addiction for the other, but the hobby addiction at least surrounded me with wholesome friends and a safe topic for my passions. You're 22 so you've got shitloads of time. Don't feel rushed to "be" anything. Just putter along slowly going forwards. Two steps forward, one step back but KEEP WALKING.


----------



## raveninSJ

Thank you. I was actually surprised to get a positive comment back. So how long were you in your previous addiction?


----------



## charcoal

I have abused benzos for 10 years, opiates for 5. During the worst years I included horrific self injury (cutting) to the point they wanted to do skin grafts on my legs. The depression I was self medicating with the benzos nearly killed me. A lot of police in my house, a dozens and dozens of ER visits fucking bonkers on benzos and bleeding like a stuck pig. Several psych wards stays, a lot of wrestling with hospital security....this went on for years, however the tiny part in side of me who wanted to keep fighting kept trying every goddamn psych drug out there. Eventually we started seeing progress after I fired the shittiest, most dangerous psychiatrist I've ever seen and got myself a new one with brains. I slogged forward for years. I still have bumps in the road, and I still drink poppyseed tea occasionally, but the scarring all over my body has faded and I am slowly planning potential careers. I'm 29, and completely lost my 20s to madness, with benzos playing a huge part in it.

After something major last year I was sectioned for 2.5 weeks in a psych ward. Late one night I tied a noose to my bed and dropped into it. Suddenly, I had this thought that if I died, I might miss something like an interesting documentary. A completely ludicrous thought, who fucking cares about missing a TV show? but it was suddenly extremely important to me. I sat back up, caught my breath, went to bed and handed the noose in in the morning. It killed something within myself I think that needed to die. A while later I was released from hospital, on even  better meds, and I now continue to walk forwards.


----------



## Vader

I edited the thread title and the first post because it might possibly have been triggering for other users. I hope you understand. Good luck with your problem, there's plenty of people here with the experience to help you.


----------



## Dave

Since this is potentially triggering, and since we have a huge methamphetamine thread already going, I'm going to merge this into there. That should give it some good visibility to those who know meth best.


----------



## Trate

charcoal said:


> I have abused benzos for 10 years, opiates for 5. During the worst years I included horrific self injury (cutting) to the point they wanted to do skin grafts on my legs. The depression I was self medicating with the benzos nearly killed me. A lot of police in my house, a dozens and dozens of ER visits fucking bonkers on benzos and bleeding like a stuck pig. Several psych wards stays, a lot of wrestling with hospital security....this went on for years, however the tiny part in side of me who wanted to keep fighting kept trying every goddamn psych drug out there. Eventually we started seeing progress after I fired the shittiest, most dangerous psychiatrist I've ever seen and got myself a new one with brains. I slogged forward for years. I still have bumps in the road, and I still drink poppyseed tea occasionally, but the scarring all over my body has faded and I am slowly planning potential careers. I'm 29, and completely lost my 20s to madness, with benzos playing a huge part in it.
> 
> After something major last year I was sectioned for 2.5 weeks in a psych ward. Late one night I tied a noose to my bed and dropped into it. Suddenly, I had this thought that if I died, I might miss something like an interesting documentary. A completely ludicrous thought, who fucking cares about missing a TV show? but it was suddenly extremely important to me. I sat back up, caught my breath, went to bed and handed the noose in in the morning. It killed something within myself I think that needed to die. A while later I was released from hospital, on even  better meds, and I now continue to walk forwards.



Your post really touched me.
It reminded me greatly of my brothers story from so many years ago; unfortunately however he didn't quite take the same motivated steps that you did, had equally poor luck with psychiatrists and didn't make it.
Keep fighting mate, this roads a rocky one.


----------



## Addyman

Am I the only one who wants to go back to the psych ward, because I hate my mom that badly...?


----------



## blurrrxx

_<snip>_..fuck im getting tired of trying to get sober. im going to my friend's funeral today, he shot himself in the head a week and a half or so ago. im picking up bars hopefully that helps but i'm going to bawl like a baby.


----------



## OverDone

blurrrxx said:


> _<snip>_..fuck im getting tired of trying to get sober. im going to my friend's funeral today, he shot himself in the head a week and a half or so ago. im picking up bars hopefully that helps but i'm going to bawl like a baby.



I'm sorry to hear about your friend 8( losing our close friends always hurts but don't hold back those tears.  Crying is always calming so let those tears flow.


----------



## Cohesion

*Amphetamines are the death of me.*

After almost 5 months, I relapsed & overtook.

The damage is minimal (3 20mg vyvanse), but the implications are enormous.

Events:
- Last week: Manipulated doctor and got vyvanse prescription, turned it in to pharmacy.
- 24 hours later changed my mind, called the nurse, told her I don't want stimulants.
- Today I got a phone call, “Your prescription is ready for pick up.”  ?!
- Filled just a 3 day supply as I had to pay out of pocket
- Took one at 1:00, another at 5:00, the last one at 7:30

Now I have to feign illness in order to skip outpatient and not get dropped. I have been exceptionally responsive to treatment, so I THINK I just might get away with it.

I'm numb to emotions now. I can't identify them, except that I know I feel bad enough to start repenting before I even "come down". sigh


----------



## godlovesugly

im getting so bored with life. im depressed. i have been sober over 6 months now and i just feel blah. i wont lie...getting high has crossed my mind, alot. its probbably a good thing im broke, i have 5 dollars to my name right now. fuck. this is the longest ive ever been clean. i dont know what to do.


----------



## SxCrAvEr

Ive been using for about a year and a half now. When I first started, it was once-a-month thing but up until Feb this year that I went hard. At least once a week, 4 to 5 days bender. I was also unemployed up until not long ago that I got a job. I was so sure of myself that I could control my usage. I realized that its now controling me as Im typing this. Im starting work in about 3hrs and I havent slept or eaten for 2 days, I have some left over saved for later if I feel tired. I am scared of this shit so much but dont have enough willpower to stop. My partner knows about my problems, hes afraid that I will get in deeper but doesnt know what to do. Im quite stubborn and will do whatever I please and zero discipline. I had a break for about 1 month and got back into it. One of my many flaws is whenever Im angry or upset at something/someone (mainly my partner) I would turn to it. Maybe subconciously, its an excuse to use, to make myself feel less guilty but now I guess I have an excuse to quit and let go. I just hope that I will be strong enough to, at least, have a long break, as long as I can stay away from it. Right now, my job is the most important thing to me so doesnt matter how fcuked up I am, I have to show up. After today, I WONT touch it again, will clean out my place and get rid of all things related to it. All I need is willpower


----------



## swmo

it took jail & prison to get me off the shit.  i was as addicted to the lifestyle as the drug.  i've tried it since and i just get too paranoid.  thank God, or i'd probably be right back on it.  cravings reduce, over time.  i had almost none in jail/prison.  but when i hit the street....they emerged.  cravings for the lifestyle, too,  i wanted to find a quarter paper ho & get busy.  i wanted to engage in other meth-related activities for the rush behind them.  i'm much stronger now, thank God!


----------



## Cohesion

Guys you really don't understand what this relapse means. . 

I WILL have to tell outpatient I got a 3-day script because I will have to drop on Friday morning. I took them Tuesday night. I don't think they'll be able to tell I didn't take them as prescribed. But what if they can???

Theoretically I could continue flushing my system, running/sweating, and eating whole foods.. do the drop & not say that I got the prescription. If it shows dirty I'll look really guilty then. I told outpatient about how I abuse them historically, that I "set up" the doctor and then turned down the script. Because I was so proud. Then ... so unexpectedly ... I had amphetamines "ready for pick up". and that's just what I did. 

Tonight I lied about going to meditation group because my teacher is in from Germany..it's true but I'm not going there... so now I have to make up some sort of verification.. I'm GOING to lie as much as I can because this is DCFS..

I hate the way amps make me out of control & out of touch. I'm crying like mad and I'm not myself. 

What do I do??

Edit: I never got dropped for this one


----------



## swmo

i think we understand more than you realize.


----------



## Cohesion

swmo said:


> i think we understand more than you realize.


 
 thank you


----------



## footscrazy

SxCrAvEr said:
			
		

> Maybe subconciously, its an excuse to use, to make myself feel less guilty but now I guess I have an excuse to quit and let go.



I can relate to this, then as my addiction progressed, it became almost a form of self punishment. I would feel so, so terrible about the mess I had made of my life due to this addiction, so one part of me would say 'So go smoke some more. That's what you are, a meth addict. This is what you _do_. So go prove it, come on, have a puff' and I would, and that'd confirm to me how fucked up I was.



			
				SxCrAvEr said:
			
		

> I just hope that I will be strong enough to, at least, have a long break, as long as I can stay away from it. Right now, my job is the most important thing to me so doesnt matter how fcuked up I am, I have to show up. After today, I WONT touch it again, will clean out my place and get rid of all things related to it. All I need is willpower



Willpower is important, but there are also other ways you can support this to help yourself beat this addiction. Right now, you're probably feeling scattered and pretty damn shit - I can relate to the feeling of being up for days and getting this incredible urgency that something _had_ to change, I couldn't continue - I would get in a state of extreme agitation and distress and be sure I _couldn't_ continue. What I found though, was this conviction lasts as long as the mindstate. Once that mindstate loses its urgency, I found the urge to quit did too. After I'd slept and was getting high again, and feeling good, I'd almost chuckle to myself and think, oh silly girl. It's not _that_ bad. I'm sure it'll be better this time. 

For this reason it was important to me to make plans when I was relatively sober and stable. During those scattered nights I'd make a note of those feelings and think, I'll think about this again when I wake up. In that way, I think I was able to make plans that were more rational and more realistic. 

For me, it was a huge learning experience. It took me 7 years of addiction to finally quit - it took me that long to learn what _I_ needed to do to quit. It was still incredibly hard. But, if there was one benefit from quitting and relapsing so many times, it's that I became very, very aware of what quitting felt like - and what helped me during these times, and what didn't. I had many, many chances for trial and error! 

Don't forget it is possible to quit, no matter how far along into addiction you get. I can tell you some of the more specific things that helped me if you're interested, but there's a lot of shit, and this'll get too long


----------



## SxCrAvEr

footscrazy said:


> ...For this reason it was important to me to make plans when I was relatively sober and stable. During those scattered nights I'd make a note of those feelings and think, I'll think about this again when I wake up. In that way, I think I was able to make plans that were more rational and more realistic....



I think that is a great idea. 
Everytime after a few day bender, I feel like shit, and always tell myself that I would stop because I dont want to be an addict (My father died of heroin, he was an addict and they took him to rehab but he was too weak to fight withdrawal and he died just a year after I was born.). Then I would stop for a few days and when the cravings hit me, I forget all those quitting promises that I made to myself and all I could think about was loading that pipe and the rush and the adventures that it would take me. Sometime I just wanna give up and let it take control over me but in general, I dont like to be beaten at anything so I would fight against that thought and have a short break then it starts all over again, like a vicious circle.

I would be really glad if you could share those things that helped you to quit. Ive been searching for NA/AA/DA meetings in Sydney but couldnt find any. ALso tried calling a few numbers but no answer. 
Thank you in advance


----------



## OverDone

SxCrAvEr said:


> I would be really glad if you could share those things that helped you to quit. Ive been searching for NA/AA/DA meetings in Sydney but couldnt find any. ALso tried calling a few numbers but no answer.
> Thank you in advance



Here's some info for Sydney.  If you have any problems contacting someone, please shoot me a PM 

*Sydney Metro Area Narcotics Anonymous * 	Phone: 61.2.9519.6200       http://www.naoz.org.au

*Sydney Metro (Recorded Meeting Info)*	Phone: 61.2.8230-1645     http://www.naoz.org.au

A list of meetings in your area can be found at this link (there are roughly 100 meetings in the Sydney Australia area): http://portaltools.na.org/portaltools/MeetingLoc/


----------



## footscrazy

Hey SxCrAvEr, I'm so sorry I haven't responded to this earlier. To tell you the truth, I have been wondering what exactly _are_ the things that helped me quit, and I've had trouble pinpointing them. I feel like I could say all the oft quoted things like exercise, meditation etc, and they were a small part, but they weren't what really helped me quit. I guess in the end, the key for me was, telling myself I just _wouldn't_ use again. And you know, I used to hate people saying you needed to hit 'rock bottom' before you can quit, and I still don't believe that, but for me, I do think I needed to get to the end of the road with methamphetamine. I knew for ages it wasn't leading me anywhere, but the experiences I had on it were just so awesome, so euphoric, that I thought that was an end in itself. But even when I finally realised I'd reached the peak of experience on meth, that if I continued on it my life would only be equal or less than what I'd already experienced, I found it hard, because the high is just so seductive. I wrote this in another thread but it articulates what I really feel helped me stop using meth, because that meant not giving in to the cravings.


I'll tell you what helped me with the cravings when I was quitting methamphetamine, a crazy intense addiction I had for years and years. 

For me, cravings were born out of the conflict. The conflict being - I could get it...but no, I shouldn't! It was that part of my brain that knew I could get high again, that really drove the shit feelings. It was that addict part of my brain that drove those thoughts for one purpose - to get high. If you take away the possibility of getting high again, I feel that cravings lose most of their power. During a methamphetamine recovery group I went to I learnt that during a meth craving, your brain releases dopamine - just a taste - to really drive you to get the real deal. That made sense to me, because in craving I felt the meth high - the adrenaline, the shakiness, the anxiety - but without the euphoria. Intense cravings remain to me as the 2nd worst feeling I have ever felt in my life, the first being suicidal despair. They fucking suck.

Anyway, after that long winded explanation, the best response I found for cravings was, as soon as they happened, telling myself, nup, not happening, I'm not getting on. Straight away, not even entertaining the thought. Doesn't matter why, I don't need to justify it, I'm just not, and that's the end of it. Because I truly believe it's the addict part of your brain that wants you to think it through, imagine yourself doing it, imagine the high. Because it knows the more you think about it, the harder it will be to say no. Justifying it wont work. I don't believe that anyone who quits a habit is 100% sure they want to quit. So in thinking about the reasons why you've quit, the addict part will grab onto that 1% uncertainty, and it'll grow into a rationalisation to use.

I find the best thing to think when you're craving is, I'm not doing it, I've thought through my reasons for this previously, and I don't need to go over them again now. Because during a craving, you're not rational.


----------



## the_void

the_void said:


> First post about myself here...
> 
> I've never been one to believe in God, satan, spirits, souls, hell, possession and other things I often heard tweakers talking about. I thought it was some meth psychosis thing. Now though I still don't believe really, I do find myself questioning the possible existence of all of those, and it's disturbing to me.
> 
> Now you're going to say, eat something get some sleep it'll be alright. But I've been doing those things, as well as taking breaks of three days to a week. This drug initially felt like speedy ecstasy (only cleaner and more euphoric); now it just feels dark. It can be a euphoric darkness, but it's a darkness nonetheless...though I still lean towards some scientific explanation, much of the time, especially when I use alone and at night, I feel as though I've morphed into an evil version of me. Other times I feel like I'm not me at all, but rather various negative entities being channeled through me through me (these are not hallucinations, or delusions, I know they're not happening but it feels as though they are).
> 
> For lack of better word, it does feel as though I'm losing my soul, or at  least part of it, to this drug... that part of me, that cared and empathized with others, is gone or dying. The disturbing thing is, sometimes I feel this way completely sober as well, exactly as though I imagine a -sociopath might feel. it feels good sometimes to see others in pain and that's a horrible thing and not who I am. Other times, sober or not, I feel this intense rage in me that I didn't know existed.
> 
> Friends I started using with (and whom it hit a lot harder than me, and hell it's only been a couple of months), they're no longer the same people. Some of them even developed have this permanent malicious glow in their eyes that never seems to go away.  While I've merely 'felt',  very different from my usual self, these former friends gone out and actually done horrible things, mainly just for the thrill of it. It's difficult for me to reconcile who they are now with who they once were. I mourn who they used to be, but they are no longer my friends and I no longer feel safe around them.
> 
> After my last use (this morning, that's all I had left), I've taken one step  I at least feel good about: thrown my pipes, meth bong, torches, and butane cans. I'm tired of hiding all this paraphernalia (snorting doesn't get me off anymore)... I feel bad enough that I know how to use this stuff, let alone own it. Please don't feel judged fellow meth smokers, certainly there is no judgment from me, I just hated being addicted to such a conspicuous pipe and gear and I feel cleaner with it all gone.
> 
> Sorry... just been feeling so down and needed to rant. Thanks for reading.


 

I posted this earlier... coming up on 6 months off the crystal and otherwise at present completely sober. Spending time in treatment, being off the drugs completely, after a few weeks I noticed my thinking got much less drug oriented and much more goal oriented. I've gone back to school and hope to be active in harm reduction.

Funny, I've enjoyed a wide variety of drugs, but I have no interest in any of them at present...  it's really only the crystal that I crave - the smoking act of it particularly. I have using dreams regularly, which are disorienting but when I wake up I remind myself that's not what I want to do. I'm glad I got out before I got in too deep, I guess, but it's exceptional the psychological hold that it seems to have, given that I was really only using it regularly not even a half year.

Overall though, I'm amazed things have come along as well for me as they have and I am grateful for that. By the time I got into crystal I had completely written myself off anyway.   I had been struggling with thoughts of suicide since I was teenager, and I hated myself to the point that I could only stand to be on my own skin when I was on uppers. I always felt this sense of doom that I had no future and was destined to die young, either through suicide or through drugs. What astonishes me most is that the suicidal thoughts and crushing depression have been lifted (for the first time in 8 years), and I think I feel I may actually have a future now, something I never thought possible. I can actually face myself when I look in the mirror now.


----------



## InvisibleEye

^ Congratulations on your 6 months off! It must be amazing to feel like yourself again. I'm really looking forward to it...


----------



## Cohesion

Events actually happen in the mind before (and after) they manifest in the physical realm. Thought >Action. 

I know a wise person who has said that Stealing happens even if the item was not actually taken, if it so happens that the thought of stealing occurs. This is true because there was still movement/vibration of theft. So stealing continues until the _tendency_ to steal dissipates 100%. 

^ This can be likened to the idea that In thinking about substances, you are using substances. Tomorrow in court, I'm being held responsible for Using drugs. Never mind that I have been clean for 5 months now, except a little alcohol, spice, 1 vicodin script, and 1 day use of Vyvanse. I consider myself clean because substance use was not daily, and not abuse nor obsession. I am adhering to my morals, showing up for life, and flourishing like I never imagined was possible. The problem must be that I still think about substances; therefore a random old prescription pill of mine has been attracted to me. Because I think about substances, I will not have custody of my daughter. This is my conclusion. I can explain...

_________________________

For Thanksgiving I visited my Dad's; I hadn't been there since 11 months ago when I moved out in a drugged state. During my recent stay my Dad wanted me to clean the basement. What a wreck, and everything was where I had left it. You see where this is going? In anticlimactic fashion, I found ~10mg Adderall beads in a capsule. Nothing more.

Drug Test Repercussions:
I took the amp on Thanksgiving. +4 days later I had to do a drop. Yesterday (2 mere days before court).. the drop came in dirty...for MORPHINE. (?!) I definitely took Adderall beads- my pupils dialated slightly. And I haven't had morphine beads in many, many years. Other effects tell me I know I took amphetamine.

I have court tomorrow for getting back custody of my daughter. My lawyer was 90% that we could have her returned to me. Now because I found a bit of my old medication, took it, and didn't say anything when I took the drop.. It looks like I did morphine. Mind=blown. Apparently if I'd said something when I took the drop this wouldn't be nearly so bad. I "thought" that after 4 days it would not show up anyway. Rather, I didn't think well about this in any way. And what I have at stake? Parenting. It's almost too much to consider. I have been crying so much for 24+ hours that I look horrid; my eyes were swollen when I woke up today. I am going to present just awful.

*So in the A.M.  I have to go in front of the judge and say this truthful + idiotic statement:
"I was visiting my Dad for holiday cleaning the basement where I used to live. I found a partial capsule of my old medication, Adderall, and ingested about 7-10 mg. My last prescription was 6 months ago. I admitted to my counselor what happened. The drug test came back showing as Morphine; I don't know why."*


----------



## 7up

i feel better knowing someone else feels like i do


----------



## ErikTheRed

mami said:


> Events actually happen in the mind before (and after) they manifest in the physical realm. Thought >Action.
> 
> I know a wise person who has said that Stealing happens even if the item was not actually taken, if it so happens that the thought of stealing occurs. This is true because there was still movement/vibration of theft. So stealing continues until the _tendency_ to steal dissipates 100%.
> 
> ^ This can be likened to the idea that In thinking about substances, you are using substances. Tomorrow in court, I'm being held responsible for Using drugs. Never mind that I have been clean for 5 months now, except a little alcohol, spice, 1 vicodin script, and 1 day use of Vyvanse. I consider myself clean because substance use was not daily, and not abuse nor obsession. I am adhering to my morals, showing up for life, and flourishing like I never imagined was possible. The problem must be that I still think about substances; therefore a random old prescription pill of mine has been attracted to me. Because I think about substances, I will not have custody of my daughter. This is my conclusion. I can explain...



Mami, I respectfully disagree.

In my experience, our actions define us, not our words. You say that stealing happens, even if it only occurs in thought... I think that it is our ability to resist urges to steal, and commit acts we innately know as wrong, which define us as strong, civilized people. Humans are constantly fighting all kinds of urges to commit all kinds of heinous things, we are animals after all, with all kinds of animalistic reflexes. But it is our control over these primal emotions and urges which make us civilized. For example, I think all of us have been so angry at someone that we wanted to beat them senseless, but we control that urge. We can't be held responsible for that feeling, anger is natural, it is our response to that feeling which really counts. It's unrealistic to think that the tendency to do bad things will completely dissipate, we're not perfect people. 

I have completely sympathy for your situation, it's totally unfair. But, you need to give yourself some credit. You say you've been flourishing in life despite thinking about drugs. That shows some serious strength on your part- you've been able to live a good life despite being burdened by desires to fall back into addiction. Thinking about drugs, is NOT the same as using them. If that were the case, almost no one in recovery could say they've made progress at all.

To relate this to amphetamines... amps make me way more impulsive, which make them really dangerous. Not only do amps decrease my moral inhibitions, they fill me with all kinds of energy which make me way more likely to do some really stupid things. I think that's why I've gotten into more trouble with amps than any other drug, even though I've used them for a fraction of the time.


----------



## InvisibleEye

mami said:


> Events actually happen in the mind before (and after) they manifest in the physical realm. Thought >Action.



Hell yeah. If events did not happen in the mind first, how the hell would we even _know _that they were happening? And if we didn't know, they simply wouldn't happen...


----------



## Legerity

Good luck with everything mami.

I find the process of thought/belief/action/experience or whatever order they occur in to be interesting.  How would one know that thought is the equivalent to action?  I'm curious about what is exactly meant by vibration when this word is used, and how would one know that there are vibrations of a certain nature.  I am open to it and have held this belief but I do not fully understand what is meant by it.  If I think something it does not appear to have the same results in the world around as if I were to act on that thought.  Although perhaps thinking about a substance all the time means one is just as dependent on it as if they were to give in to that thought and consume it.  

How does one stop thought?


----------



## littlepenguin

Mr-Tambourine-Man said:


> I posted this in the earlier to a member inquiring if meth was ok for weekend use...
> 
> Um, no it is not ok to do on weekends. Do you feel alert? Confident? Motivated? Energized? Like a 6 year-old on Christmas morning? If Christmas could come every weekend, any 6 year-old would be thrilled. But what if it could come every day, but you thought it would be more special if Santa only came around on Friday and Saturday for a little yuletide binge? Well... maybe he could also come Wednesdays too, right? But only on Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays. Sure, that'd be ok. But Wednesday was so much fun and it would be a bummer to clean up all this wrapping paper when you can just say the word and turn this big mess into more presents and Christmas cheer. Yay, Christmas on Thursday! But now the mess is huge and Thursday IS right before Friday, right? Christmas is allowed to come on Friday and the living room looks like someone dropped an atom bomb on the jolly fat man's workshop. Ok, ok, we'll just celebrate Christmas through Saturday, then go back to the normal schedule, maybe even drop Wednesdays. Shit, what happened? It has been Christmas for six years now. You can't think of opening another present without barfing but you have no reason to get up in the morning if you can't try to recapture the elation of rushing down the stairs to see your Christmas bounty. Every morning you think to yourself, "This time, yes, this time I'll feel the magic again." Sorry bud, the magic is gone. Nothing for you but a lump of coal and a switch. Christmas fuckin' sucks.



unbelievably spot on...brilliant.  did you write that?

and a huge ^5 to those in recovery.  props to you.


----------



## olab7

Hey guys.  Just wanted to share my little story. 

I abused amps for 10 months and nothing got seriously bad until about month 8.  I finally quit about 3 weeks ago but I feel like it's left something permanent with me...I am a huge hypochondriac thanks to the many panic attacks I had from abusing amphetamine.  Everytime I feel something weird with my body I imediatley start to panic.  I  worry I'm becoming depressed, I can remember the days where I felt none of these things, I was worry free, I was myself, but now I don't feel like myself  I feel like I've been changed permanently. 

I can act like my old self but for some reason I just don't feel like it. It's really hard to explain =/  I have so many random negative thoughts even though I have nothing to be sad about, my life is great.  I have random moments of anxiety.I still enjoy the same things as before but I question why I like those things which in turns makes me not so interested in them because I don't know why I like them.  Ugh I don't know I guess this is better than being addicted to amphetamines but it still sucks...I thought life would go back to normal but it didn't =/


----------



## littlepenguin

olab7 said:


> Hey guys.  Just wanted to share my little story.
> 
> I abused amps for 10 months and nothing got seriously bad until about month 8.  I finally quit about 3 weeks ago but I feel like it's left something permanent with me...I am a huge hypochondriac thanks to the many panic attacks I had from abusing amphetamine.  Everytime I feel something weird with my body I imediatley start to panic.  I  worry I'm becoming depressed, I can remember the days where I felt none of these things, I was worry free, I was myself, but now I don't feel like myself  I feel like I've been changed permanently.
> 
> I can act like my old self but for some reason I just don't feel like it. It's really hard to explain =/  I have so many random negative thoughts even though I have nothing to be sad about, my life is great.  I have random moments of anxiety.I still enjoy the same things as before but I question why I like those things which in turns makes me not so interested in them because I don't know why I like them.  Ugh I don't know I guess this is better than being addicted to amphetamines but it still sucks...I thought life would go back to normal but it didn't =/



Give yourself more time.  3 weeks to be off amph isn't a lot.  A fantastic and amazing start, but you still need a little more time to heal.  I don't want to give false info here, but I'm pretty sure it can take up to a year for your brain to re-correct it's normal levels of dopamine and such.

I was sober from meth for 8 years, and I'm pretty sure there wasn't one day (since I started back up again) that I didn't think about it.  For the first few years, it was all negative thoughts mixed with cravings, and then slowly it turned into a monster, nagging and nagging at me to go get some.  It's a tough drug.  A mysteriously nasty bastard.  But I love that bastard.  Arghhhhh

I digress - my point was this:  just give yourself more time.  You can do it.  Be strong.  Keep engaging yourself in activities that make you happy and healthy.  Surround yourself with positive non-users and each day, the fog will be lifted bit by bit.  Really.  Good luck.


----------



## Zep1421

Ive never done this before but I feel like I need to face reality and get some honest opinions. I first took adderral in high school and it completely changed my life. I went through a lot of shit when I was younger and had to spend the last 3 years of high school living with my alcoholic dad who wasnt the nicest at times if you catch my drift. I was a c average student, I knew I was better but I never gave a fuck at the time until I took that pill before school one day and it was the best day of my life. I was happy, I was motivated, I went from a C to a straight A student that year. I had to buy it from random people and then eventually I was stealing it from my best friend which i continued to do for another 4 years. At that time I was taking whatever stimulant I could every morning but nothing crazy, just enough to last me the day and I was able to sleep without much problem. Then college came and I started staying up for a couple days at a time when I could get my hands on it, I would only speed about 5 days out of the month. I would find a decent supply and I just couldnt help myself and take them all gradually without sleeping. This was 2 years ago and I never once thought about my health or what I was doing or the long term consequencies, When I was speeding I was a completely different person. I know I have some sort of adhd and I finally went to the dr to see what I could do. 2 months ago I was put on 70mg vyvanse, I got such a high dose because I work 7am - 12pm 6pm - 11pm, Im supposed to split them up but we all know that wasnt going to happen. I thought that once I was finally perscribed and never had to worry about where I was going to get it that I would be able to control it. I now pull all nighters atleast 3 days a week and am currently going on a 2 day binge but its not the same as it used to be. I never eat and am so fucking scared im pushing it too far and am going to have a heart attack, I try to remember of what I used to do in the past and I try telling myself that people go much harder than I do but that doesnt make it okay. I just dont want to sleep. I dont want to stop getting shit done. Im now leading my company in sales out of 200 employees. Im the best I have ever been financially and that parts great but I know I cant keep this up. I feel like my chest is always in pain and I feel like I am on the verge of having a heart attack or that something very bad is going to happen. I havent slept in 2 days, Its 8 am and I work at 12 today, cant try sleeping for 4 hours, then I have to work at 7am tomorrow and I know that there is a good chance I wont wake up in time once I crash. I want to stay up one more night but I dont know what I am doing anymore. I look up side effects on amphetamines and its the worse shit you can possibly read. I dont know if its anxiety that is constantly fucking with me or what but I wouldnt have even thought twice in the past about staying up another night. Now Im looking for advice for people like me. I dont know anyone else who does what I do and I just want to know what you guys think and if pulling all nighters is really a big deal or its something we all do. Go easy on me.


----------



## RR279

Zep1421 said:


> Ive never done this before but I feel like I need to face reality and get some honest opinions. I first took adderral in high school and it completely changed my life. I went through a lot of shit when I was younger and had to spend the last 3 years of high school living with my alcoholic dad who wasnt the nicest at times if you catch my drift. I was a c average student, I knew I was better but I never gave a fuck at the time until I took that pill before school one day and it was the best day of my life. I was happy, I was motivated, I went from a C to a straight A student that year. I had to buy it from random people and then eventually I was stealing it from my best friend which i continued to do for another 4 years. At that time I was taking whatever stimulant I could every morning but nothing crazy, just enough to last me the day and I was able to sleep without much problem. Then college came and I started staying up for a couple days at a time when I could get my hands on it, I would only speed about 5 days out of the month. I would find a decent supply and I just couldnt help myself and take them all gradually without sleeping. This was 2 years ago and I never once thought about my health or what I was doing or the long term consequencies, When I was speeding I was a completely different person. I know I have some sort of adhd and I finally went to the dr to see what I could do. 2 months ago I was put on 70mg vyvanse, I got such a high dose because I work 7am - 12pm 6pm - 11pm, Im supposed to split them up but we all know that wasnt going to happen. I thought that once I was finally perscribed and never had to worry about where I was going to get it that I would be able to control it. I now pull all nighters atleast 3 days a week and am currently going on a 2 day binge but its not the same as it used to be. I never eat and am so fucking scared im pushing it too far and am going to have a heart attack, I try to remember of what I used to do in the past and I try telling myself that people go much harder than I do but that doesnt make it okay. I just dont want to sleep. I dont want to stop getting shit done. Im now leading my company in sales out of 200 employees. Im the best I have ever been financially and that parts great but I know I cant keep this up. I feel like my chest is always in pain and I feel like I am on the verge of having a heart attack or that something very bad is going to happen. I havent slept in 2 days, Its 8 am and I work at 12 today, cant try sleeping for 4 hours, then I have to work at 7am tomorrow and I know that there is a good chance I wont wake up in time once I crash. I want to stay up one more night but I dont know what I am doing anymore. I look up side effects on amphetamines and its the worse shit you can possibly read. I dont know if its anxiety that is constantly fucking with me or what but I wouldnt have even thought twice in the past about staying up another night. Now Im looking for advice for people like me. I dont know anyone else who does what I do and I just want to know what you guys think and if pulling all nighters is really a big deal or its something we all do. Go easy on me.


 Pulling all-nighters(as in a single night up) at medical-ish does really isn't every now and then THAT big of a deal, someone just starting out on amps taking 70-100 mg's in a single night(such as I was) on a regular basis really kind of is a big deal. 

FYI: Vitamin c and acidic substances in general will help your body excrete amps, if you ever want to end the binge early and try to get some sleep before something important.

I officially 'quit' 10 days ago, I relapsed once at day 5, so I'm at my second day 5 again and starting to get more cravings again. fuck this noise.


----------



## olab7

littlepenguin said:


> Give yourself more time.  3 weeks to be off amph isn't a lot.  A fantastic and amazing start, but you still need a little more time to heal.  I don't want to give false info here, but I'm pretty sure it can take up to a year for your brain to re-correct it's normal levels of dopamine and such.
> 
> I was sober from meth for 8 years, and I'm pretty sure there wasn't one day (since I started back up again) that I didn't think about it.  For the first few years, it was all negative thoughts mixed with cravings, and then slowly it turned into a monster, nagging and nagging at me to go get some.  It's a tough drug.  A mysteriously nasty bastard.  But I love that bastard.  Arghhhhh
> 
> I digress - my point was this:  just give yourself more time.  You can do it.  Be strong.  Keep engaging yourself in activities that make you happy and healthy.  Surround yourself with positive non-users and each day, the fog will be lifted bit by bit.  Really.  Good luck.



Thanks I'll continue to be strong.


And RR279 be strong man. My cravings decreased greatly after a week.  Try to make sure there is no way you can get to the amps.


----------



## RR279

olab7 said:


> And RR279 be strong man. My cravings decreased greatly after a week.  Try to make sure there is no way you can get to the amps.


 Still going strong and they seem to be letting up a bit. I think me starting to exercise has helped a bit too(I used to bodybuild a few years ago and love the lifestyle and feeling I get after a workout.) 

I really DO need amps for my ADHD so tried I keeping some around for when I needed it but I found out quickly it was an all or none deal so threw the rest of my script in the dumpster behind my condo.

One of my roomates gets Vyvanse he doesn't use, but it having a 2 hour onset combined with the fact I don't like asking him for shit helps with my "I want some speed right fucking now" moments.


----------



## rottenapple

I have got to quit this shit. I've been on it for about 6 years, the only times I've been clean since then was during pregnancy. I just had a baby, 5 months ago. And honestly thought I was done with it, not only speed but all other drugs too. I wanted to foçus on my family. I missed out on about 3 years of my first baby's life because of meth. But I've matured a lot since then. I learned from that mistake,  at least I thought I did. 
But I'm well on my way to going right back to the lifestyle that made me so miserable. Actually, I think if it were just me and my kids, it would be easy to stay away. I have no desire for it until its offered to me. But my husband can't seem to let it go. I hate this. 2012 was supposed to be a great year (I lost both my brother and my daughter in 2010). We agreed new years Eve, last time getting high. And we've been pretty much high ever since. I do not want to be that person. I don't wanna be a dope head mom. I want a normal, happy family,  and ill be really damn lucky if the mistakes I made in the past don't affect my children.

I feel like its changing the way I feel about my husband. Drugs and addiction make you an ugly person. They make you do ugly things. And I feel different about myself too. Because just a week ago I was telling him how much I hate this and I don't even enjoy the high anymore because I'm so wracked with guilt and paranoid about something bad happening to the baby. I just can't say no. I don't understand why he can't be ready to move on too. 

I don't really need any advice I guess. I just need to vent. I thought I was a different person. Its a real blow to my self esteem. I had all these plans for the new year and so far I'm the most unhappy I've been in a long time. I feel like I wouldn't have as much of a problem if my husband would quit too. I'm ready to stop, I'm pretty confident that I'd like abstinence from drugs to be a permenant decision. He says he's not so sure he wants to stop getting high. I can't be around it. I'm not at the point where I can say no if its around. I also don't want him going off behind my back, and getting fucked up. He drives my car, and I'd really prefer it not be seen at known drug houses. We live in a pretty small town.

I suggested we take a break, seperate until he feels like he's ready to stop. He doesn't like that idea. I really want to make this relationship work, but at the same time I can't allow myself to fall back into that kind of life. And it wouldn't be easy to get away from him. He wont just leave if I ask him to. But I feel like if he truly wants the best for his family, he could at the very least just leave us be til he's certain he's ready to quit


----------



## tocooperate

Zep1421 said:


> Ive never done this before but I feel like I need to face reality and get some honest opinions. I first took adderral in high school and it completely changed my life. I went through a lot of shit when I was younger and had to spend the last 3 years of high school living with my alcoholic dad who wasnt the nicest at times if you catch my drift. I was a c average student, I knew I was better but I never gave a fuck at the time until I took that pill before school one day and it was the best day of my life. I was happy, I was motivated, I went from a C to a straight A student that year. I had to buy it from random people and then eventually I was stealing it from my best friend which i continued to do for another 4 years. At that time I was taking whatever stimulant I could every morning but nothing crazy, just enough to last me the day and I was able to sleep without much problem. Then college came and I started staying up for a couple days at a time when I could get my hands on it, I would only speed about 5 days out of the month. I would find a decent supply and I just couldnt help myself and take them all gradually without sleeping. This was 2 years ago and I never once thought about my health or what I was doing or the long term consequencies, When I was speeding I was a completely different person. I know I have some sort of adhd and I finally went to the dr to see what I could do. 2 months ago I was put on 70mg vyvanse, I got such a high dose because I work 7am - 12pm 6pm - 11pm, Im supposed to split them up but we all know that wasnt going to happen. I thought that once I was finally perscribed and never had to worry about where I was going to get it that I would be able to control it. I now pull all nighters atleast 3 days a week and am currently going on a 2 day binge but its not the same as it used to be. I never eat and am so fucking scared im pushing it too far and am going to have a heart attack, I try to remember of what I used to do in the past and I try telling myself that people go much harder than I do but that doesnt make it okay. I just dont want to sleep. I dont want to stop getting shit done. Im now leading my company in sales out of 200 employees. Im the best I have ever been financially and that parts great but I know I cant keep this up. I feel like my chest is always in pain and I feel like I am on the verge of having a heart attack or that something very bad is going to happen. I havent slept in 2 days, Its 8 am and I work at 12 today, cant try sleeping for 4 hours, then I have to work at 7am tomorrow and I know that there is a good chance I wont wake up in time once I crash. I want to stay up one more night but I dont know what I am doing anymore. I look up side effects on amphetamines and its the worse shit you can possibly read. I dont know if its anxiety that is constantly fucking with me or what but I wouldnt have even thought twice in the past about staying up another night. Now Im looking for advice for people like me. I dont know anyone else who does what I do and I just want to know what you guys think and if pulling all nighters is really a big deal or its something we all do. Go easy on me.



wow. i read this and started crying cause this is my life story, except that i have no fear of sacrificing my health for success. i dont want to go to sleep because im obsessed by so many fucking interests that i always have some excuse to stave off the inevitable crash. why am i still doing this on work nights? 

im also an artist and sometimes i think its a curse because i do bad things to myself and write about it- and that makes me feel good. but lately without the drugs i don't even care to work on my songs.. even though writing them is my justification for the drug use. im lying to myself on so many levels and i cant stop.


----------



## Znegative

Hi I'm new to this forum.
I've been clean since about four months ago when I caught a staff infection from shooting cocaine with a very used syringe. I had to stay in the hospital for a month of IV anti biotics, I had to drop out of college, and I once again dissapointed my family, though they continued to be supportive. It was pretty obvious though from the tone of my moms voice, in her visits to the hospital, that if I fucked up again I would be forced to go to a therapeutic community. I know myself that I would probably not do that, leave my home, and stay with whatever friends would have me.
   Anyway, I havnt fucked up in the last three months, I'm clean from all drugs except for suboxone and clonazepam, both low dosages which are prescribed to me. In fact, I also just graduated from my outpatient program, (for the first time, I've been kicked out of every single other ones.) My life is bearable, and at some times, I'm pretty content. There are a lot of things I don't miss about addiction, being sick, lying, stealing, ending up in the hospital... But at the same time, I feel absolutely no motivation to do anything. I sit at home and watch episode after episode of whatever tv show is on Netflix, and I just can't seem to get inspired to really do any art. And because of this, I think about stimulants a lot. I never really did meth, but I shot a whole lot of cocaine, dextroamphetamines, and some MDPV binges. I just miss that drive so much. Part of me thinks getting sober is just impossible, and I can't help but think it is only a matter of time until I use again.


----------



## mygreenbic

*severe spinal nerve damage*

So i have seeering pain in the nerves of my upper spine and was wondering  if Adderall  can cause damage to worsen or 
Pain to increase considering it affects the nerves. I haven't  seen a dr about my neck yet  all i have to help the pain is  gabapentin and
catapres. Someone please help. I just got 60 30mv tabs and i really wanna take them.
I am taking the catapres for sub withdrawal. Ty in advance 
Mygreenbic aka @sp0r412


----------



## tricomb

sure it feels amazing to do every once in a while, but doing methamphetamine regularly isn't worth the inevitable problems that will ensue. I've seen it all too much, no thankyou.


----------



## Opanaking

Stimulants cause your body to tense up. That's what's going to cause your back pain or aggravate it. Especially if your standing all day on them. As soon as you stop the pain should go away in a few days.


----------



## KAYLA2010

Since stopping amphetamines in march 2011 I have been waiting for the day my energy will come back. Sad truth it hasn't I still feel like blah.. Just lounging around and never doing muchz I hate his feeling.. Also the panic attacks I now get from abusing them are driving me but.. Wishing I could relapse but that woul be stupid... So I'm writing in here instead. Thanks for listening..


----------



## Epsilon Alpha

mygreenbic said:


> So i have seeering pain in the nerves of my upper spine and was wondering  if Adderall  can cause damage to worsen or
> Pain to increase considering it affects the nerves. I haven't  seen a dr about my neck yet  all i have to help the pain is  gabapentin and
> catapres. Someone please help. I just got 60 30mv tabs and i really wanna take them.
> I am taking the catapres for sub withdrawal. Ty in advance
> Mygreenbic aka @sp0r412


 
Well gabapentin and amphetamine work in practically opposite manners (decreasing and increasing neurotransmitter release respectively) so on paper it might make it worse. However, increased CNS NE is implicated in reducing some forms of nerve pain which may result in less pain.

The safest thing to do would be start small and see what happens. Interesting question but I don't know the answer unfortunately.


----------



## Epsilon Alpha

I'm working on some promising leads for addressing amphetamine induced deficits, so if any of you guys are interested in perhaps trialing some of the cheaper ones please let me know. But, try talking to your doctor about bupropion, Concerta, or modafinil. I'm of the opinion that most stimulant abusers are ADHD individuals attempting to self medicate, which may explain some of the persisting issues this population experiences.

There is hope guys, best of luck


----------



## Zep1421

How can you lower tolerance without quitting?


----------



## misspharmacyashley

Zep1421 said:


> How can you lower tolerance without quitting?



Do less? Taper down to almost completely stopping? I really don't know the answer with how you want it to be done. Maybe take some vitamins, especially magnesium, eat some food, get some rest, drink a shit-ton of water, all everyday... but in all honesty I think stopping for (at least) a short while (3-7+ days) is the only sure fire way to get it down. Plus, your brain needs a break at _some_ point.

I've learned that there comes a time where your tolerance gets ridiculous and you find yourself wasting drugs and money just to chase your first high down, trying to get back UP when all your body is doing is screaming at you, giving you every sign possible basically trying to 'convince' you to be down for 5 minutes.

Listen to what your body is telling you! Tolerance is a great sign that one needs to pull on the reins a little bit... all the best to you..


----------



## OverDone

Zep1421 said:


> How can you lower tolerance without quitting?



Not what his thread is for.  Check out Basic Drug Discussion or Other Drugs


----------



## ErikTheRed

It's a love/hate thing for me. It makes me such a better/more efficient writer, but the comedown is terrible for me with my pre-existing anxiety issues.


----------



## Cloudy

I miss them, especially since I don't socialize really with anyone right now.  I'd get some shit I really need done, done.  However I know I'd end up getting suicidal when I run out, and back into the cycle of abuse.  Amphetamines really fuck up my self control, with itself and other drugs.  But fuck, I'd love some .  I'd love some sort of drug high, and some good motivation.  Opiates may give me a self of well being taking as prescribed or maintenance atm (taking subs till I get my methadone script refilled), but no real high, as well as little motivation.


----------



## Gone2long

Sounds like my life today. Taking more and more every day constantly checking the bottle until it is completely empty. Searching everywhere to see how u can get it when your rx runs out


----------



## misspharmacyashley

SplatChrome said:


> I'd get some shit I really need done, done.
> ..
> But fuck, I'd love some .  I'd love some sort of drug high, and some good motivation.  Opiates may give me a self of well being taking as prescribed or maintenance atm (taking subs till I get my methadone script refilled), but no real high, as well as little motivation.



Don't we all . With amphetamines (well, methamphetamine in my case) I find that when I am coming off them and stopping for a few days or whatever I have to literally FORCE myself out of bed to do some kind of exercise (in my case it was walking up and down my street a few times with the hubby and our daughter). It only would take maybe a half hour or so but it got me (and everyone else) out of the house, in the sunshine, breathing in some fresh air. I would be feeling much better (motivation wise) after a week and almost back to 100% in 2, maybe even less.

Drugs won't 'fix' everything (and lord I wish they did!), it will take a little effort on your part, even though you don't want to. Catching up on missed sleep is a good idea but don't stay trapped in your bed. Sleep for awhile then get up and wash the dishes or feed the dog (if you have one) or walk outside, you'd be surprised at how much something so little as what I've mentioned will help you out in a big way. If you are tired after doing those things, take a nap.

I've found that once I got off my ass and started moving around and taking care of what needed to be taken care of I would get caught up in whatever I was doing and before I knew it the day was over. The mornings were always the hardest time of the day for me. It's all about baby steps.. you'll feel better before you know it if you keep your mind busy and body moving as much as you can.

I hope that helps... good luck!


----------



## bicyclerace

*So I have this problem with prescription amphetamines (adderall) and need some help*

Hello. I have a very serious abuse problem with adderall. Every three weeks or so I manage to drop 200mgs within a 48 hour window.  This dosage causes me to enter a weird 'manic state' that I don't particularly enjoy nor does my wife of one year. In all honesty I can't figure out why I keep doing it since the repercussions are excruciatingly painful physically and emotionally. I am able to totally go without the drug for about three weeks. After that this itch sets in compelling to find the nearest doctor. You wouldn't (maybe you would) believe how easy it is to get a doctor to prescribe amphetamines.  I am wondering if anybody has some advice on how to make the three week period permanent.


----------



## Cohesion

One option is to make a plan when you are beginning to relapse. It sounds like you have a set idea that something out of your control happens at 3 weeks. As a point of interest, my "relapse rate" was at 2 weeks. 

Do I have too much clean time (8 months) when I find myself wanting to say to you that... It's a choice. 

You recognized that for you the downs outweigh the ups?  Knowledge IS power. 

After I quit amps - for several months (even recently) I'd take reasonable amounts of Bronkaid (ephedrine) just to scratch that itch.


----------



## bicyclerace

Thanks mami that was helpful. I always considered the rehab mentality to be a one month solves everything. Obviously that is not the case at all.


----------



## Cohesion

For me, residential rehab was useful in that it provided me a place to physically get "time". Time is not the be-all-end-all... of course (as you recognized).

What part about what I said was helpful? It's a question for you; don't necessarily answer here.


----------



## Dave

Some good advice here! I'm going to merge this with our Meth/Amphetamines Megathread, just to keep things tidy


----------



## AlphabetAssassin

Hey everybody, first post on bluelight. Saw this thread and thought I better register.

First of I'm 20, live in Australia and I was addicted to meth for 3 years almost. 
I've been clean nearly nine months, I still struggle with anxiety and depression but I don't have cravings anymore and I'm proud to say I have been around it since quitting and turned it down.
Yeah anxiety is a bitch hey, still finding it hard to go into public places without getting symptoms like sweaty palms, increased heart rate, dry mouth and all the other usual suspects.
My preferred method of use was pipe, I would easily smash anywhere from a couple G's to a ball every weekend for probably two years and a half of my addiction.
Life is still hard, I alienated all of my true friends many years ago to hang-out with a bunch of dealers and hustlers. Once I quit I left them behind as well so it does get lonely. But it's been well worth it.

Anyway I just wanted to wish everyone here luck with their recovery and to remember that everyday is a milestone. Relapsing always sucks because of the disappointment and guilt that comes with it but every time you quit you go abit further. Take your time and you will beat this shit.
You must treat everyday you are clean as a massive leap. You are better than your addiction, you mean more than your addiction.
Love to all the guys and girls on here and I wish you all the best for your future. 
See ya round :D


----------



## mygreenbic

*how i did it*

I got off amphetamimes by using the staggering gabapentin method. Then tapered to1200mg gabapentin and comfort with loperamide. Loperamide does cross the blood brain barrier but is then pumped back out by pgp. Used a combo of pgp inhibitors in the form of quinine and hydroxyzine hcl. This method was sufficient to get comfortably off  all amphetamines in less than a month. Study group was 
100% successful with only one relapse 2 months out. 
@sp0r412 twitter


----------



## xxsicknessxx

i managed 9 months sober but I still wanted stims so I went back. dam mdpv


----------



## methkite

been perscribed to vyvanse for years, up to 60mg a day. im really hoping i can handle having access to this whole bottle. I feel like they really do help as theyre intended to, but the fein in me feels like hes coming out. I wish this medicine didnt make me crave alcohol and dope so fucking badly, not to mention chain smoking. I feel like ill never find balance sometimes.


----------



## fakeplastictrees4

I wish I had never tried amphs


----------



## tricomb

forgive me I'm pretty sure this is the thread for methamps, QUITTING support right?

EDIT: and yes, if anyone wants to please explain to me what Piracetam is for, and also Choline, and Phenibut? shoot me a PM I know it doesn't belong in this thread, just bringing it up because you guys were talking about it.


----------



## DexterMeth

mygreenbic said:


> I got off amphetamimes by using the staggering gabapentin method. Then tapered to1200mg gabapentin and comfort with loperamide. Loperamide does cross the blood brain barrier but is then pumped back out by pgp. Used a combo of pgp inhibitors in the form of quinine and hydroxyzine hcl. This method was sufficient to get comfortably off  all amphetamines in less than a month. Study group was
> 100% successful with only one relapse 2 months out.
> @sp0r412 twitter


 
I wish I never read this, but I'm kind of glad I did.


----------



## mygreenbic

For all of you that love amphetamines I'm just curious why you love them so much. I get 60 30mg ir tabs a month and it almost always ends up bad. At least with a devastating crash. It's at the point where i hate having the script on me and can't wait until its gone. For those of you that do love speed is a script like the one i get like jackpot for you guys? As a long time opiate addict i guess i would be confused at someone who had a monthly bottle full of oxymoron and got no pleasure out of it. I'm on them right now and am starting to feel super miserable. I always end up on a several day long bender until they are all gone or until i can so hard that i can't handle to look at them but every month i end up hating myself in the end.  Right now i am on day one and have taken 60mg twice. I am getting suboxone in the morning and really want to avoid a terrible crash until then. Do you guys recommend i keep talking small doses until then or do you think it is possible to stop now before it gets out of control again. After that i want to try and dispose of the rest of the script. I have clonazepam, gabapentin, hydroxyzine and one catapres at my disposal. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks on advance,
@sp0r412


----------



## DexterMeth

Being insane helps.  
I hate speed now.


----------



## n3ophy7e

Hey mygreenbic, firstly, may I ask why you have the script in the first place? Do you really need it? If not, why do you continue to get it filled each month? Sorry if that sounds blunt...but maybe you could just not fill the script next month. Do you think that is a viable option? Or is the situation more complex than that?


----------



## DexterMeth

Piracetam, and nootropics in general.

Amphetamines are unbelievably old school.


----------



## RR279

I actually don't mind the crash, I just hate the actual part of coming down. I would MUCH rather be in the mental state of being completely off the amps then being a little high and coming down. 

When I'm starting to come down all I can think about it re-dosing, when I'm already down and feel absolutely beat re-dosing sounds about as appealing as dragging my dick through glass.

Although I feel tired/like shit, I feel a little at peace with myself, being that's it's finally giving my body a chance to recover after speeding for so long. Granted, if I actually have tasks to do and can't just pass out until I feel like getting up I feel a lot different about the situation, but I generally try to plan it around that.

I'm currently 12 days clean, I always seemed to relapse at the 7-8 day mark prior to this. I've been working out about everyday and am getting back into fitness. I used to be big into body building prior to my run in with amps. 

I'm bulking right now but the real test is going to be when it comes time to lean out.


----------



## Epsilon Alpha

So ummm yeah not sure how to break this:
Long term heavy amphetamine abuse in susceptible individuals might cause the same changes seen in bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I go over it in ADD, but perhaps some of you could benefit from treatment for BP depression such as modafinil, seroquel, or lamotrigine. 

I'm interested in hearing if anyone finds that they fit the symptoms for bipolar or schizophrenia following heavy amphetamine use and has found success with the above medications.

Best, 
EA


----------



## misspharmacyashley

Epsilon Alpha said:


> I'm interested in hearing if anyone finds that they fit the symptoms for bipolar or schizophrenia following heavy amphetamine use and has found success with the above medications.



I've done very well on wellbutrin, mirtazapine and risperidone.. I'm actually off the risperidone now and am taking the wellbutrin and mirtazapine. I have noticed that my mind hasn't ever been the same since I've done actual 'heavy' use of methamp. I've always been an anxious, paranoid person with horrible social anxiety which is why I typically like to stick with downers... and after being off the speed it seemed that all those mental health issues were a little heightened. I'm seeing a suboxone doctor whose also a psychiatrist which is really beneficial.


----------



## RR279

Have 17 days, don't know why I'm craving so much right now after a fairly easy past couple days. 

Still intend to pull through, I have no other realistic option. If I have any chance at a full recovery it's by quiting NOW.


----------



## KAYLA2010

Its been a year today since quitting adderall. Eh just now getting energy back. Fck i had to learn how to use my own motivation and energy to get shit done. It has been rough and days have been long. I am so fckn thankful i have made it one year off of Adderall.

Go me.


----------



## DexterMeth

Epsilon Alpha said:


> So ummm yeah not sure how to break this:
> Long term heavy amphetamine abuse in susceptible individuals might cause the same changes seen in bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I go over it in ADD, but perhaps some of you could benefit from treatment for BP depression such as modafinil, seroquel, or lamotrigine.
> 
> I'm interested in hearing if anyone finds that they fit the symptoms for bipolar or schizophrenia following heavy amphetamine use and has found success with the above medications.
> 
> Best,
> EA


Yes and yes.  I may have actually been born with bipolar, and suffered a pure schizophrenic break in the ER after I got in a car accident.  I've used amps just a couple times since then and it's been terrible.  I might look into some of those meds.  I can't stand seroquel.


----------



## oxymoron310

DexterMeth said:


> Being insane helps.
> I hate speed now.


Amen. I really only use amphetamines for school now. I do coke for my partying and value every moment of sleep I get.
Gabapentin is a weird ass drug, but helpful.


----------



## ashstorm

No matter how much we get it never seems to be enough. Tolerance has been getting higher each week and while we both know we need to stop we can't seem to.

It just seems like a never ending cycle. I don't know if either myself or my partner have the will power to just say no.

I've claimed next weekend as a meth free weekend, and its my goal to get through that weekend.

The real test will be Thursday/Friday/Saturday and saying no..


----------



## fakeplastictrees4

need some advice here please, from those that have experience.

i have been taking amphetamines/methylphenidate for a month now. Everyday minus a 4 days break after 2 straight weeks and I stopped for 2 days just yesterday and the day before. I took some ritalin today though, because i felt pretty tired and shitty, and i have a lot to do. 
how do I know if I have a problem/ budding problem? i dont know if i should stop, because at this point I know I could...but im unsure if it will escalate if i dont, and ill becoming increasingly dependant on it. 
It wasn't a huge issue for me to stop for those small breaks.


----------



## recovery

hello, i am a meth addict, i smoke it, tho i am new to the drug and have only been using for 5 months; i am highly addicted to it. i am looking for help of any kind. i want to be a recovering addict. i steel from my parents, siblings and from my surrounding neighbors. have done horrid actions to get my fix. i recently moved across the country to relieve myself of this habit. but i was unsuccessful in fact the first person i met offered it to me i had gone 2 and a half weeks with out it, tho feening for a puff i had no intentions on locating a dealer i wanted to find drug free friends and sober people to place myself around but by finding my habit with the first person i introduced myself to i could not resist the strong temptations as i was still going through withdraws, and continued on binge. at this very point i am 12 hours free of it but i feel the urge as i type this to say f*** trying to get help f*** recovery, and just go get twacked out but as i was coming down from my last session i had a deep emotional reawakening, the "boogie man" as i call it (for it being my nightmare) has me rapped around its bones like skin... thus leading me to realize i would rather die at that point then continue my usage so i proceeded to attempt my thought of everlasting freedom from meth with a 40 cal. hand gun. i closed my eyes and pulled the trigger; it jammed; as i sat back in my chair wondering if this meant i will be an addict for the rest of my being i came to the conclusion that infact this is my second chance, i dont want to be a meth addict any more .... i never wanted to be.. i wanted to be happy and thats all i was seeking.. but insted i found true darknest and true depression, pure misery. but at the same time i found a false escape from reality... i have faith that some day i will be able to say im drug free. i do know it is a long tedious road to recovery with glory at the end. but my problem is i believe that i wont be able to find a median that will help me stay on the sober life road and stop me from switching lanes again. i am a very dependent person and need someone or something around constantly...i am not looking for another drug or subtance for me to get addicted to insted of meth but infact a raucousness, the feeling of not needing thus innatimet objects.... i dont know if i am looking for rehab or if a single sentence that will help me but i know i am incapable of doing this on my own the people ithoughtwere my friends abandoned me and leaving m with only the one person i knew as a sorse of reflection apon my addiction and as us addict know if one addict is trying to go clean and is around one that is not trying to it makes in nearly impassable to achieve such set goals so please leave me words of enlightenment and encouragement for i can not locate what i need in people i know nor my own self, thank you ...... anonymous....


----------



## tripnotyzm

KAYLA2010 said:


> Its been a year today since quitting adderall. Eh just now getting energy back. Fck i had to learn how to use my own motivation and energy to get shit done. It has been rough and days have been long. I am so fckn thankful i have made it one year off of Adderall.
> 
> Go me.



That's great news!! Glad to hear you are moving on without it in your life anymore.


----------



## lulubell

Hi there, new to the forum. 
Well I've been using meth since last Oct. I hate stims, but have found this very enjoyable. I was a opiate addict for a long time. I finally got off of them a year ago, and now meth is my current DOC. I guess I like it because you feel great, and after years on opiates, I feel like I'm alive and awake for life.

 I went on my longest binge a couple weeks ago and learned my lesson. I usually go 3 days tops and quit for a week. Mainly because I don't have the money to keep it up and I crash hard because I don't sleep during those 3 days. I have high BP, so i shouldn't be doing it anyways. 
But 2 weeks ago I was on it for 5 days and started to have allergic reaction type symptoms. I thought it was a bad batch because I re-upped the 4th day. My lips swelled, I itched like crazy, I developed a blister on my lip (I ate salty chips and I do sometimes get salt blisters, but I feel its related to meth since it happened at the same time all the other painful crap showed up) And it was hard to breathe. I managed to get a  regular ol inhaler from my sister that helped. I decided on day 5 that the discomfort was ruining my high. So I quit for a few days and then tried the same batch again. I felt great again. So I came to the conclusion that my body just cannot handle long binges.  So now I'm just going to binge for 2 days, and rest for a week. Its been a week since my last use, and scored a nice batch today. I know its better that I quit, but I am not ready. But I have had a taste of the ugly side of this drug. I guess its a blessing to not be able to binge to long. It freaked me out, but I just thought I'd share my experience with everyone. I have tried to research the symptoms that I was experiencing, and found very few topics or articles that match what I went thru.


----------



## selfmedicated

I used meth daily for 3 and a half years, quit about 8 years ago.  During that 8 years Ive struggled with alcohol and oxy. 2 weeks ago I decided it would be a good idea to smoke some meth.....in that 2 weeks ive used more often than not.  I want to be done. i know where it leads. im doing it behind my bfs back....he asks me every day what im on...i say oxy...but i know sooner or later if i continue he will find out. im totally ashamed, i never ever thought i would be using meth again


----------



## Aussie75

*How to quit...*

I did a stint some years ago of being a functional meth addict, had a professional well paying job. Mostly I performed fine, on 2 memorable occasions my focus was so bad I was reading through a file I was working later with no recollection of the notes I'd written the day before after 4 days awake. I never stole from anyone, never did any crime to fuel the addiction (other than the act of acquiring the drug itself lol). I began to notice other friends doing the same style of use/abuse were slipping, one notably who didn't leave his house for 2 weeks half of that being 7 days solid awake time.

How to ease back into normality:


Find some sleepers (non-benzo you don't need a substitute addiction). If you get a desire to get messed up, drop one and go to bed, the want for the drug will pass.
Socially shift to those people you know who have kids, married. Their idea of a big night is dinner, a dvd and bed by 10pm. Its amazing how different your outlook becomes in changing your social landscape.
Restrict your own access to liquid cash by getting a "buddy" to go co-signer on your bank account, no withdrawing possible without both signatures.
Educate yourself about the long term detrimental affects of meth use.
Search YouTube for graphic/f'ed up addict videos, ones that leave you shocked.
Watch "Requiem for a Dream" saw this made me revile at the thought of drug use.
Tell people what you are embarking upon. Most of your friends will know or suspect you hammer meth, but didn't know how to approach it with you, you will find support in the most unexpected people.

Look at this  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17808933/ns/health-addictions/t/man-chronicles-his-death-meth-use/#.T3TCctVqjwk


----------



## footscrazy

*recovery*, I hope you stick at it. There is hope, you can do it. I used for years and now it's been 14 months since I quit, and I no longer miss it. Sometimes I still crave, but I know I wont use it again, and I'm ok with that.


----------



## mygreenbic

*help for those in hell*

I have empathy for crystal addicts, I'm a decade long opiate and Benz o addict and one a month i get a script of 60 30mg ir amphetamine salts. I usually binge through the whole script and i know how f dark life can get. Luckily here in Pittsburgh there isn't much crystal method aside from afrom at raves and i usually don't seek it out because my interests at raves lies in mdma, k, and acid. But knowing how the amp crash is, if i could buy some glass when my script was gone i would be in some serious fucking trouble. At least there is treatment for opiate addiction, mesh there generally isn't. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, if you ate determined to quit there is a protocol of high dose gabapentin nightly, along with a benzo antagonist (i forget the name i think it is flumazil or something of that nature). So othis protocol kis showing promise in repairing brain damage and alleviating the severe cravings. It also has shown to significantly reduce the relapse rate. You can find some information on this via the wiki page for gabapentin. And the good news is, psychiatrists prescribe gala like candy. Just tell your psych you have severe anxiety andin the past abstention was very therapeutic for you. He will be relieved you are not asking for xanax or klonopin. If he asks what d dose worked for you, tel him you were on 600mg three times a day. Take 1200 of it every night and that will leave you an extra 600 a day to toy with. Although abstention is not scheduled, it does cause a speedy euphoria before your tolerance develops which you will appreciate being used to that sort of feeling as it repairs your brain. This regimen along with magnesium supplements, a high protein diet, high fluid intake, and plenty of sleep should be your best bet at escaping the evil grip of meth/amphetamine addiction. 
I really hope this helps at least a couple people. One more tip, get rid of all of your dealers numbers, i did that with my heroin dealers and i was sorry to lose my hook ups, but in the long run it helped me dramatically.
good luck and chin up. You create your own reality, remember that.

Love,
Mygreenbic


----------



## 5000m

^ very nice post


----------



## mygreenbic

n3ophy7e said:


> Hey mygreenbic, firstly, may I ask why you have the script in the first place? Do you really need it? If not, why do you continue to get it filled each month? Sorry if that sounds blunt...but maybe you could just not fill the script next month. Do you think that is a viable option? Or is the situation more complex than that?


I see your logic, friend but there are several reasons i continue to get the script. First off i have a severe addictive personality. It is hard for me to turn anything down, especially something as addictive and sought after as 30mg amp salts. For the most part i am primarily an opiate addict, and for the longest time i knew an old shipped freak who got loads of morphine ir and fent patches. So for a long time we traded and supported each others habits. Well about six months ago she disappeared. I was left without my opiates and without that quick and easy trade. So to support my opiate habit i started selling them to pay for my subutex doctor. Well unfortunately the people buying them got spun out real quick and stopped buying them. So now i habitually get my script filled kind of as a source of income or even as hope that i can get opiates for them. Well time went by and they could only sit on my table for so long before took one and one turned into three and three turned into benders. I got afflicted just like most people do to amps


----------



## Drk.Mob.Girl

Hello everyone,
Im in need off support. I've been a meth addict for 3-4 year. I hit rock bottom and then got help. I moved to Mexico about a 1yr and 2 months ago. the last time I had used was the day that I was gonna fly from L.A to Mexico. I stayed clean for 1yr and a month, wich has been the logest ive been off this shit. Like a month a go I told my friend i wanted to get high and i was convinced that I was gonna be able to use it once in a blue moon. it was like that for 2 weeks i would go to her and smoke for like 3 hours then would go home satisfied with out wanting more. about 2 weeks a go i started buying it on my own and havent been able to stop since. i keep saying just this last bowl and just keep buying more. I really dont want to disapoint my parents once again. specially my lil girl that is just 5 years old and here in mexico the rehab center are a shit hole i was in one for 3 months because of depression and heavy drinking adn was the worse ever. they threath u likea piece of shit. i think i cameout more fucken depressed and mentally drained. and Im just alone her in they new fucked up country with no moral support what so ever or without even having someone to go to and tell them whats going on IM SO FUCKEN ALONE AND LOST. I dont want to go through this shit again. Someone please help!!


----------



## Elkat13

Drk.Mob.Girl said:


> Hello everyone,
> Im in need off support. I've been a meth addict for 3-4 year. I hit rock bottom and then got help. I moved to Mexico about a 1yr and 2 months ago. the last time I had used was the day that I was gonna fly from L.A to Mexico. I stayed clean for 1yr and a month, wich has been the logest ive been off this shit. Like a month a go I told my friend i wanted to get high and i was convinced that I was gonna be able to use it once in a blue moon. it was like that for 2 weeks i would go to her and smoke for like 3 hours then would go home satisfied with out wanting more. about 2 weeks a go i started buying it on my own and havent been able to stop since. i keep saying just this last bowl and just keep buying more. I really dont want to disapoint my parents once again. specially my lil girl that is just 5 years old and here in mexico the rehab center are a shit hole i was in one for 3 months because of depression and heavy drinking adn was the worse ever. they threath u likea piece of shit. i think i cameout more fucken depressed and mentally drained. and Im just alone her in they new fucked up country with no moral support what so ever or without even having someone to go to and tell them whats going on IM SO FUCKEN ALONE AND LOST. I dont want to go through this shit again. Someone please help!!



I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles! I dealt with a very strong meth addiction for about the same about of time post college. It was one of the toughest things quitting and then I was clean from meth for many years. Last year i started using again - thinking that I would be able to use "once in a blue moon" like you said. I shot up on my birthday as a "present" to myself. As soon as I felt that rush - it was all over. Less than one month later I lost my job because I wasn't able to stop again. I'm still struggling, I haven't used in I think 3 weeks. (meth that is - I'm also dealing with a sever dope/opiate addiction as well). I completely understand how you feel and I need the support of bluelighters as well.  But I'm determined to get clean. I know the feeling like there is no way you can ever feel as good as you do when you are high. It's life consuming. But I know that is not the truth. I'm in no position to tell anyone what to do or to make judgement/criticism of someone elses use - but I want you know that I am there with you and can support you in your quest for sobriety. We can all do this. I am sure of it. I am starting therapy when I get back from the holiday (I'm visiting family). Please feel free to reach out to me via this thread or PM if you need to talk or companionship in anyway.

I got super down on myself because I was clean off of meth for so long, and then when I relapsed. I went from 0 to 100 in like 2 seconds. It was all to familiar and scarey. And I lost my job because of it. I had learned nothing in my time being meth free. But I realize it was because although I had laid off that specific drug for so long, I had never quit using other drugs and I never addressed my root causes for what was making me need to be constantly high. I wish you all the best in your recovery and journey to freedom. Peace and love


----------



## Elkat13

Hey there again Drk.Mob.Girl - got your PM but I'm only able to send out 1 PM every 180 minutes  - so I can't get back to you yet! But I totally feel ya! I'll send you my email address next time I can PM (or it might be in my profile for friends, maybe you can email me there?)


----------



## sweaty

I have been in the grip of the viscous cycle of binging on Dextroamphetamine Sulphate(very high doses for about a week) once per month for about 6 months now and the withdrawl is always terrible. If you're on this sub-forum, I need not describe the feeling/symptoms-you are familiar with it. This time around, I've had about ten days clean from any amphetamines/stimulants and was in Whole Foods to purchase another bottle of L-Tyrosine. While in the store, I saw that my local Whole Foods is now carrying Phenibut. I have only read about Phenibut, never taken it, and I gave it a try. After a few hours of one dose (500mg) of Phenibut, I didn't give a flying fuck about dextroamphetamine. I felt so damn at peace with myself. Depression and anxiety was totally lifted. I am not trying to glorify Phenibut(read up on it before making the decision to take it) and I am aware of its rapid onset of tolerance and its own potential for addiction/dependence but shit, if benzo's, SSRI's and other Big Pharma drugs aren't cutting it for your post-acute amphetamine withdrawl, Phenibut may...

Happy Recovery,
-sweaty


----------



## Elkat13

sweaty said:


> I have been in the grip of the viscous cycle of binging on Dextroamphetamine Sulphate(very high doses for about a week) once per month for about 6 months now and the withdrawl is always terrible. If you're on this sub-forum, I need not describe the feeling/symptoms-you are familiar with it. This time around, I've had about ten days clean from any amphetamines/stimulants and was in Whole Foods to purchase another bottle of L-Tyrosine. While in the store, I saw that my local Whole Foods is now carrying Phenibut. I have only read about Phenibut, never taken it, and I gave it a try. After a few hours of one dose (500mg) of Phenibut, I didn't give a flying fuck about dextroamphetamine. I felt so damn at peace with myself. Depression and anxiety was totally lifted. I am not trying to glorify Phenibut(read up on it before making the decision to take it) and I am aware of its rapid onset of tolerance and its own potential for addiction/dependence but shit, if benzo's, SSRI's and other Big Pharma drugs aren't cutting it for your post-acute amphetamine withdrawl, Phenibut may...
> 
> Happy Recovery,
> -sweaty



Wow I really need to try this Phenibut - I've heard so much about it lately. Positive and negative. I'm glad you had a positive experience with it!!


----------



## manicmama

Hi, 
I've been using street speed - not meth that's not that popular/common in UK - daily for months. ROA oral, Dosage obviously don't know purity but I'm getting through my stuff quicker and quicker. 
I don't know why I started using it - I think partly weight loss, partly energy boost. I work 3 days a week, I have a baby son at home and a 4 year old who lives with his Dad and I have him in the holidays. 
I collect my son for a week in the morning 7am GMT. 
I was going to have a week off amp whilst I had him - I don't think I can do it, I would not get out of bed and if I did I would not have the energy to do anything with him and he would be devastated. 
The realisation I cannot function without amp scares me - couldn't give two about my health - its the fact I am going abroad for a fortnight in 8 weeks. Obviously I am not stupid enough to try and get 2 weeks worth of speed through the airports. Both kids are coming and parents. I have 8 weeks to be able to function normally without speed. I cannot take time off work I'm self employed and would have zero income. I am scared to tell my psychiatrist incase she sections me. Would reducing the amount I take each day help? I also have bipolar and take lithium carbonate 600mg daily (xr) - I have small script for clonazepam which I don't really use and zopiclone also hardly use - good chance I will get another script for these if needed. Any tips to help with energy levels/motivation if I just stop? I can't take caffeine or ibuprofen because of the lithium. Anti-depressants would never be prescribed to me because of the risk of triggering mania. Anything to help would have to be available OTC or prescription(if I decide to risk asking shrink for help) in the uk. Oh, codeine and weed make me puke so they're out.
Sorry this is so long, I just feel fucked and can't believe I've got myself in a position where I can't function without the shit. And I know I'm a shit Mum.


----------



## Epsilon Alpha

Ask your doctor about modafinil, its prescription only in most places. But, several studies have shown it decently effective in bipolar and cases of methamphetamine dependence. 

Are your doctors aware of your amphetamine use?


----------



## Epsilon Alpha

As an aside, since I can't seem to edit on my phone:

Reducing your dose will help, it's a slow process though, but it will help more than virtually anything else. Also, try asking about Seroquel for sleep. From my reading it might be more effective in bipolar patients and it's potent as hell NRI metabolite might cut you some slack as far as functioning goes. 

Best of luck,
EA


----------



## manicmama

Thanks EA, 

She's aware I do it recreationally - not that its become a daily habit that I can't even have a days break. 
I will bite the bullet and tell her how bad my use has become and ask about Modafinil and see if it's prescribed over here and if she thinks it suitable. 

As for seroquel (or as I know it, Quetiapine), I was on 800mg XR daily for 2 years. At first alone then other stuff added. For me it did not control my bipolar (totally clean) and gained 4 stone. I would be extremely reluctant to go back on this even at a low dose as the low doses (200mg and less), make be extremely tired to the point that I can't function at all and all I can do is sleep. Which is the w/d effect from the amp that I am most scared of, the depression I can cope with (I hope). But thank you for taking the time to suggest it. 

Today however, I have begun cutting down - not by as much as I hoped but it's a start. 

Thanks MM.


----------



## Cid Lysergic

Maybe give Olanzapine a try? It's in the same class of drugs as Quetiapine, but less sedating for sure. I found I was able to function better on Olanzapine compared to Risperidone & Quietiapine.


----------



## manicmama

Hi Cid, 

I've had Olanzapine aswell, gained a lot of weight - more than with the quetiapine. 
I was trying to taper, and remembered my stash. Now my friends just informed me she's collected and my 'present' will be waiting in work on Tuesday. 
I'm seriously thinking cold turkey, but god only knows if I'll even be able to care for my baby, let alone work, and now I've just been informed by my boss that she's FINALLY, after months of beggin, switched 1 of my days so am with my best friend - also daily user - 2 days a week instead of 1. I know there is no way I'll sit there tired, miserable and moody while she's off her tits. 
Feel like someone up there don't want me to get my shit 2geva, got a feelin my holidays gunna consist of faking serious bipolar meltdown so I can get over the worst of w/d whilst my familys away on the holiday I paid for whilst I get pumped full of the dreaded AP's on a psych ward OR I'm gunna spend the entire holiday silently praying for death each time I have to leave my room and try and function for sake of my kids n folks. 
Why oh why did I let it get this out of hand? 
Very worst thing is, I don't even wanna get clean, just gotta cus of customs - and that just makes me feel even more of a failure as a mum


----------



## Cid Lysergic

It can definitely sneak up on you fast. What do you mean by customs though? As in airport?


----------



## manicmama

Yeah - clever lil me decided 2 book a fortnite abroad for the entire family at the start of August. 
Did not consider my daily use of illegal amps and the fact it would be stupid to try and get a fortnites supply thru customs. 
Hind sight eh?!


----------



## motiv311

Clonazepam and redbulls have been keeping me off the amps. haha ... and weed of course. 

If I really need it ill bust out a benzedrex cotton in a diet coke and lime


----------



## manicmama

I have a legit supply of clonazepam - I'm supposed to be caffeine free cus it interacts with my lithium, but is it really gunna do more damage than the amp its been racing round my body with this past year??? I may av 2 do a lil diggin on that. 

Weed however, absolutely not, a tiny lil drag of a spliff makes me vomit! Total lightweight on the natural stuff - manmade keep it comin lol. 

Laugh all I can 2nite - cold turkey 2mz - wish me luck! Tbh, if I make it 2 lunchtime I'll be proud.


----------



## tricomb

I would definitely avoid caffeine if possible.


----------



## DexterMeth

I would avoid clonazepam in replacement of amphetamines over caffeine.


----------



## manicmama

I've looked into it - I actually rang my out of hours mental health for my area, and tricomb, you are spot on. Caffeine is an absolute no no with the lithium, and I have no option but to take it else I'm off for a stay in psych care til I become compliant. 
I see where you're comin from dm, and I'd give the advice myself to someone else. However for me personally the risks of using clonazepam regular - tolerance/dependency - are less of a danger than how regular large amounts of caffeine will affect the lithium. However for what little benefit clonazepam gives me I'm not gonna take it other than how I do now, very, very occassionally for the reason I'm prescribed. 
I awoke this morn determined to be clean without using so much as a spoon of sugar for an energy boost to get by. I figure do it alone, don't repeat past mistakes replacing one addiction with another, just cope, your own fault, you'll get thru the day blah, blah, blah. Could not of picked a worse day to abstain - 4 year old actin up cus he gotta go bk 2 his dad, baby playin up cus he copyin the older 1, my bro wakin me up in the small hrs cos he left his bird, Grandads really ill bed bound, 5 hour train ride etc. I lasted til 9am  
Gunna try again 2mrw wen got no kids and nothin to do. 
I have also got an appt wiv psych on fri, and av decided that if I am unable to stop doin the stuff by myself by then, I'm gunna tell her the extent of my use.


----------



## BritishLad

It's threads and sites like these that put the internet to good use! If anyone needs someone to talk to feel free to PM me, dealt with my fair share of problems myself and wouldn't mind helping someone overcome their addiction.


----------



## permameth

The only amphetamine I had a problem with is MDMA.  For close to a year I did 10+ pills everyday sometimes as much as 15-16.  I now take adderrall and love it but that is prescribed.  I've been fooling around with meth and 4-FMA because coke/crack has just lost it's magic.  Do you think these can be done recreationally or am I on a slippery slope?


----------



## BritishLad

Personally, it's a slippery slope. I've thought about trying meth just because I havn't had the first rush and intense feelings I did when I used a stimulant RC. And I know I would've ended up saying, okay no more... well maybe a bit. And then I'd end up a full blown addict, still chasing that feeling.
Maybe try a break from amphetamines for a while, with your doctors help and advice of course. Not a good idea to go off any medication cold turkey without help and advice, and try taking some supplements to get the magic back. Magnesium is apperently good for tolerance and bruxism, L Tyrosine is proven to recharge dopamine levels naturally and effectively. And maybe 5-HTP for the cocaine, as an attempt to get all, and the most of your natural serotonin flowing back. Just don't use any of them while on the drug, mixing two of anything chemical etc that work on the same neurotransmitters is never a good idea.


----------



## manicmama

Hey Permameth, 

For me personally I am unable to do something I enjoy just recreationally, it always ends up a daily issue until I fall out of love with it, and promptly replace with something else. 
I've never tried either drug, but I've heard meth is extremely addictive. 
IMO if you continue to use recreationally, your use will get more and more frequent until your on it everyday and panicking if you can't score one day. 
Of course there's probably some people out there that have used meth now and again and use it as a lot of people use alcohol just weekends or every couple of months, but sites like this lead me to believe most users end up addicted.


----------



## footscrazy

permameth said:


> The only amphetamine I had a problem with is MDMA.  For close to a year I did 10+ pills everyday sometimes as much as 15-16.  I now take adderrall and love it but that is prescribed.  I've been fooling around with meth and 4-FMA because coke/crack has just lost it's magic.  Do you think these can be done recreationally or am I on a slippery slope?



MDMA at that frequency is extremely neurotoxic. There was an old thread here on BL about someone who took mdma every day for a few months and ended up in hospital, and sadly passed away. My best friend used ecstasy daily for a few months as well and ended up extremely sick, and stayed in a psychiatric ward for a decent stretch. 

If you really have been taking that amount of mdma daily for ten years, you are incredibly lucky to be able to still post on BL coherently. Given you did mdma at such a frequency for that amount of time, I'd say it is very unlikely that you can use meth,  4-FMA or anything else without an enormous risk of it becoming an addiction.


----------



## songbird99

footscrazy said:


> MDMA at that frequency is extremely neurotoxic. There was an old thread here on BL about someone who took mdma every day for a few months and ended up in hospital, and sadly passed away. My best friend used ecstasy daily for a few months as well and ended up extremely sick, and stayed in a psychiatric ward for a decent stretch.
> 
> If you really have been taking that amount of mdma daily for ten years, you are incredibly lucky to be able to still post on BL coherently. Given you did mdma at such a frequency for that amount of time, I'd say it is very unlikely that you can use meth,  4-FMA or anything else without an enormous risk of it becoming an addiction.



Perhaps permameth wasn't getting very pure mdma and instead it was meth.. that is pretty common over where I live.. We used to get really good mdma and then when I tried meth for the first time I was like.. wow this is like the good mdma we used to get but stronger!

I used mdma for about a year everyday and I was fine.. just had a few panic attacks near the end, and felt like puking sometimes.. hmm..


----------



## cupcake011311

Hey, I'm just looking for peoples opinions and advice when it comes to mdpv (mostly interested in advice of chronic, everyday users as to how to stop!) Waiting to get into treatment, but is rehab the best route for this drug?


----------



## RR279

RR279 said:


> Have 17 days, don't know why I'm craving so much right now after a fairly easy past couple days.
> 
> Still intend to pull through, I have no other realistic option. If I have any chance at a full recovery it's by quitinng NOW.


 This was on March, 17th. I ended up making it about 40 days before relapsing. 

I've been going harder than ever before, about 150 mg/day. Despite the fact that I've been maintaining dental care even better than before I used I've even started to develop a case of mild meth mouth and it now hurts when I chew. I've decided as of last night I'm gonna give quitting another go.

Also, does anyone else find that they're disgusted by the taste of Adderall after an addiction to them? I literally gag whenever one of the pills hits my throat, the taste of adderall in my mouth has now become incredibly vial. I used to not mind it when I was still in the honeymoon phase.

It's as if my body is conscious to the fact that the taste is connected to the damage it's doing to myself and is trying to prevent further damage through whatever means possible.


----------



## cheetahrunwild

hacked acct


----------



## RR279

<Edited quote at user request>

Thanks! I was bored enough to go through your thread history to try to find more recovery stores/advice, it definitely sounds like you're doing much better than when you started!

I've tried to do small amounts of amps, but if I have a supply laying around I just can't control myself, which is incredibly unfortunate considering the fact that I have a horrible case of ADHD which has really taken it's toll on my life and I could have likely received great help from taking them properly. 

I would likely be in a much more fulfilling place in my life if I took them as prescribed from the get-go, but there is no use crying over spilt milk I suppose. I just have to make the best of what I'm left with and move on.


----------



## RR279

Well I used today, I had about 1 'binge' worth of amps left from my script so I took what was left in what I rationalized as a way to make sure I didn't have anything to screw up my sobriety once I got started. Not sure whether it was genuine or a subconcious attempt to make sure I got my fix, I DO in all fairness have a far easier time fighting the urge to get more amps than I do to actually resist using them when they're already in my posession.

On a related note, the decision that fucked over my life(via a chain of events that stemmed from my speed use) was finally overturned today after 5 long months. If I work hard enough I'll finally be able to start my career in 2-3 months or so. It involves a lot of studying, which is going to be difficult as my use has turned my memory and focus/concentration to shit, but with enough persistence I should undoutably pull through.

I have ginko and plenty of omega 3 supplements, does anyone have any ideas for additonal memory aids?


----------



## spork

Piracetam might help with memory. I'd just make sure to take it with choline otherwise it can cause headaches. 

A big thing that helped me for memory has been puzzles, like word puzzles and sudoku and other things like that. I really think keeping your brain active with those kinds of things is key for keeping a good memory throughout your life. It's fun too!


----------



## RR279

spork said:


> Piracetam might help with memory. I'd just make sure to take it with choline otherwise it can cause headaches.
> 
> A big thing that helped me for memory has been puzzles, like word puzzles and sudoku and other things like that. I really think keeping your brain active with those kinds of things is key for keeping a good memory throughout your life. It's fun too!


 I just did some research on Piracetam, looks like good stuff. I'll have to order some later today.

I've always hated sudoku and the like, but I have made my own flashcards which (for all intents and purposes) should stimulate the same cognitive funcations.


----------



## MDPV_Psychosis

cupcake011311 said:


> Hey, I'm just looking for peoples opinions and advice when it comes to mdpv (mostly interested in advice of chronic, everyday users as to how to stop!) Waiting to get into treatment, but is rehab the best route for this drug?



Its not easy but at the same time it is easy. Don't know how else to explain it. The only thing you need to do is simply just stop using. Simple right?

It is easy to break the cycle of daily use especially when one has come to terms with their addiction and decided it is time to stop. That pretty much goes without saying but its true. Once you decide you want to quit and you commit to it 100% then quitting mdpv even after years of daily use is a walk in the park. You'll sleep for days on end and struggle with lack of motivation for quite some time but beyond that you'll be fine and will be back to normal and living life like you used to in no time at all. 

The hard part is making that commitment and sticking to it. This is where I struggle with mdpv. I have been using and fighting mdpv addiction for more years than I am honestly willing to admit. Its embarrassing as i am one hell of a strong willed person and have never given up on anything or let anything beat me without at going down in one hell of a fight. But mdpv is a beast I've yet to overcome and believe you me I've tried and tried and tried. Many times have I gotten myself to the bitter end of addiction where I honestly believe in the bottom of my heart I am ready to stop and never use again. Every fiber of my being is willing and ready to stop. I swear up and down to myself that not only do I not want to use again but that no matter what I won't use again. 

But then something inside of me changes. It may happen an hour after my original decision to quit or it may happen a week later but it always happens: I decide I want to use again. I forget the misery and for some reason believe I enjoy mdpv and really like it when in reality I despise it and wish I could stop whenever I'm using. Its almost as if mdpv has created two sides inside of me. Its strange how strongly I believe I'm ready to quit at times and how quickly that can change. This is one hell of a struggle and I'm embarrassed and ashamed to admit it.

I don't know if rehab is a good option for you but I don't believe it is for me. A part of me likes mdpv too much apparently and i don't believe I will have success with quiting no matter how I try until completely convince myself I never want to use again. The strange part is I've gotten to that point many times but considering the fact that I'm still struggling tells me maybe I was just fooling myself? Sure didn't feel like it at the time... (starting to cry so i need to stop myself here)

I wish you luck. I am here if you need support or guidance from somebody who is struggling with the same problem. Don't hesitate to contact me if you'd like to talk as honestly I would like to talk to someone who is dealing with the same struggle in hopes maybe they can give me some insight as well.


----------



## manicmama

I'm in UK, so don't know about adderrall, but when I do my base I have wrap it in rizla, cos I gag so bad I puke, if the rizlas split n I don't realise I do gag & sometimes puke & also when I open my bag of base 2 sort it in the rizla the smell makes me heave. It's vile, really vile. I have no idea why I continue to fill my body with a substance it so badly trys to reject with the heaving & gagging from just the smell, nevermind the taste - I am a fuckin nob.


----------



## Libby

I am 4 days clean... Just saying.


----------



## spork

^That's awesome. Keep it up, darlin'!!


----------



## Captain.Heroin

Libby said:


> I am 4 days clean... Just saying.



Congratulations Libby.  

How do you feel?  If you're still a little sluggish, I'd expect it to subside after a week or two tops.


----------



## Libby

I feel like I need a new skeleton, not sure if that's normal, all my bones ache, and I feel grumpy but that may be due to my (.) or the weather also.
My head is pretty clear lol, didnt realise it wasn't before, haha. fuck.


----------



## manicmama

Well done Libby! Best of luck in stayin clean, hope the skeleton stops achin soon, my mum can always tell when I've not had any base cos I turn into a right moody cow - she best get used to it, my attempt at stopping begins tomorrow, finally come to terms that I'm never gonna be able to just use a bit here & there so have made the decision to just stop. I thought I had 5 days in a row off work & could get the worst over with, but I've gotta work Thurs - day 2 of abstinence. If I can get through Thurs without giving in to temptation I think I stand a good chance of leaving that shit alone for good.


----------



## rikerliker707

manicmama i'm in the uk and although now on nhs speed script was originally from private doc (diagnosed Adult ADHD.) he prescribes adderall there are numerous specialist consultants who will. price is £250+/month at the chemist though plus doc's fees.


----------



## manicmama

Fuck me, but there again just totted up in my head & realised what I spend on base. Feel guilty now. I was doing well, but hadn't factored for adding sleeplessness due to my baby being ill, plus work, I caved in yesterday being idiot I am. I doubt I'd ever get scripted adderall, either through my nhs psych or privately with my history of documented stimulant abuse - though everyone including my cpn think I'm stable when I'm on it opposed to clean. 
I am gonna av 2 tell my psych I'm using base again though, it's just gonna fuck me up when I try 4 residency of my 4 year old again


----------



## RR279

RR279 said:


> Well I used today, I had about 1 'binge' worth of amps left from my script so I took what was left in what I rationalized as a way to make sure I didn't have anything to screw up my sobriety once I got started. Not sure whether it was genuine or a subconcious attempt to make sure I got my fix, I DO in all fairness have a far easier time fighting the urge to get more amps than I do to actually resist using them when they're already in my posession.
> 
> On a related note, the decision that fucked over my life(via a chain of events that stemmed from my speed use) was finally overturned today after 5 long months. If I work hard enough I'll finally be able to start my career in 2-3 months or so. It involves a lot of studying, which is going to be difficult as my use has turned my memory and focus/concentration to shit, but with enough persistence I should undoutably pull through.
> 
> I have ginko and plenty of omega 3 supplements, does anyone have any ideas for additonal memory aids?


 Haven't used since I made this post about 11 days ago. I've been working out and jogging almost everyday and eating healthy. I finally feel good about myself.



manicmama said:


> Fuck me, but there again just totted up in my head & realised what I spend on base. Feel guilty now. I was doing well, but hadn't factored for adding sleeplessness due to my baby being ill, plus work, I caved in yesterday being idiot I am. I doubt I'd ever get scripted adderall, either through my nhs psych or privately with my history of documented stimulant abuse - though everyone including my cpn think I'm stable when I'm on it opposed to clean.
> I am gonna av 2 tell my psych I'm using base again though, it's just gonna fuck me up when I try 4 residency of my 4 year old again


It happens. You just gotta keep on keepin' on.


----------



## manicmama

Congrats on 11 days, todays day 3 for me, feel like shit, but feel no temptation 2 use, fingers crossed I've finally hit my turnin point x


----------



## tricomb

I highly recommend you guys try Chelated Magnesium, it's helped so much to get over the harmful effects of methamphetamine abuse.


----------



## manicmama

Thank you tri - if it helps after meth then it's gotta help after the crap I get. I'll check out herbal vitamin shop tomorrow, see if I can grab some - ANYTHING to feel human! All my own fault!


----------



## RR279

This is my daily micronutrient supplement content(50% of it at least, one serving is two packets.) It is also what I used for my pre-Adderall binge stack when I was still using. Good stuff with an excellent antioxident profile. 

http://i45.tinypic.com/2mgtb2q.jpg


----------



## Libby

I've seen you recommend this chelated magnesium all over the board Tricomb lol. It's already in my multivitamin thing so that's good. I feel pretty good anyways, only thing is at first all I wanted to do was sleep all the time. Just wake up to eat, dink, go bathroom, then straight back to bed. But now that has passed, and I have insomnia. I'm down right hyperactive lol. I guess this will swing back again at some point then continue to go up and down at ever decreasing increments until it settles somewhere normal, afterall brain wants homeostasis right? But for now it's annoying. I've had two 2-3hour naps, where I don't really know if I actually fell asleep or just rested in the past like 4 days and I'm not on ANYTHING. I've always been a 9hours sleep a day person (unless I was high, then it might be couple days up, fucken couple days knocked the fuck out lol).


----------



## RR279

fucking fuck. After 13 days clean my appointment for my refill came up and I make the decision to take the plunge. 

I simply CAN'T get anything done without Adderall no matter how hard I try and that really isn't much of an option at this time. It's incredibly unfortunate that the one substance I need in order to continue on with my life is the same substance I'm addicted to. After 8 years of substance abuse Adderall is the only one that developed into any sort of addiction, and I'm pretty certain the above reason is the rational for that. I'm confident that I would of been able to stay off when I originally quit a few months after use if I didn't Adderall wasn't a precursor to my success.

I wish like hell I could take therapeutic doses of Adderall, but when I look at those little orange pills all I can see is speed. No matter how hard I try to keep the doses down it always ends up in a binge. I'm going on 140-150 mg right now and have been binging for about the past 15 hours.


----------



## spork

^Slip-ups happen, it's a part of recovery. Please don't be too hard on yourself, you're only human.


----------



## VanWeyden

OK, I have to confess sth. here: Although stims never were my main vices I kind of relapsed on them about two months ago. 

It was one week before I got my long-awaited methylphenidate script (I'm diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type but had to stay clean for 6 months before getting the script because of my addiction to opiates, benzos and weed). 
I had a lot of work to do and wasn't able to getting it done, namely a lesson I had to hold a few hours later besides a bunch of other stuff. 
I knew my roomie kept some ritalin pills in his room and while he was gone I gave in and stole 6 pills from her. I took one waited, and an hour later I just cried, cried, cried. 
The days before that I felt so awful and after taking the pill all the frustration and hopelessness came out. 
I called the school and told them I was sick and couldn't hold the lesson, curled up in my bed and tried to stand those feelings, but swallowed another pill, then snorted the other four ones over 6 hours. 
I attended a uni course through that time, talked to a few people and stuff but I think no one noticed it. 
I didn't talk to anyone about that, not even to my self-help group, which makes me feel really bad because normally I'm wholeheartedly honest to them. 
So I got my methylphenidate er script a week later, and since then taken the pills only as directed, 30 mg per day. No other drugs besides nicotine and caffeine.


----------



## tripnotyzm

Hey VanWeyden, i'm sorry to hear about your recent struggles. 
These slip up's happen to us all dude. 
It was one day with some bad decisions made, don't let that get to you  
How are you feeling now that you have been on your methylphenidate script?
I had a little slip up myself over the weekend with meth. 
Needed a little 'pick-me-up' at a party because i was so drained from not sleeping that week.
I only bought a little bit. But it had been such a long time for me.
It's weird, after having about half a point i felt so guilty about doing it that i forced myself to throw away the remaining shards.
It really is something that I _cannot_ dive back in to.


----------



## TriggerHappy

i caved and filled my adderall script. the meds will be delivered in 36 hours and i'm stoked about it. 

at the same time, there is guilt, because i haven't used amps for about 9 months. the past 3 months, i fell back into my heroin addiction, and i didn't feel like i had any options. i had spent 1.5 years opiate free, right after being diagnosed with ADHD. adderall and a short sub detox saved my life. guess i feel like the amps are justified, because they keep me away from the greater evil.


----------



## VanWeyden

tripnotyzm said:


> Hey VanWeyden, i'm sorry to hear about your recent struggles.
> These slip up's happen to us all dude.
> It was one day with some bad decisions made, don't let that get to you
> How are you feeling now that you have been on your methylphenidate script?
> I had a little slip up myself over the weekend with meth.
> Needed a little 'pick-me-up' at a party because i was so drained from not sleeping that week.
> I only bought a little bit. But it had been such a long time for me.
> It's weird, after having about half a point i felt so guilty about doing it that i forced myself to throw away the remaining shards.
> It really is something that I _cannot_ dive back in to.



As I said, I'm doing well and stick to the rules with my script, actually I often take even less than scripted. It really helps me- Of course for the first few weeks it gave me an energy boost and I was able to study/work for hours on end, but now it just helps me to stick to one task until it's done and most importantly helps me to create routines and systems that make it easier to keep everything in order. I was always foot tapping or sth. and thought about three or four different things at the same time, which has gotten a lot better. I remember that I sat in a uni course with a friend the first day I took the methylphenidate and after some time I had the impression that it was exceptionally quiet in the room. I asked him if he thought the same and he said "No, its always like that." OK... now I understand what I was missing before...


----------



## selfmedicated

I've been using Meth daily for 3 months. Mostly smoking but I'll eat it or hotline it too. My bf caught me which is good cause I don't really wanna be a tweaker.  So he took me to the lake to crash.  I've also been using oxy for about a year now. I'm still using the oxy ( he knows about that) while coming off the Meth. I hate this feeling , tired but feeling like I'm missing out on everything, and a wierd almost tingley feeling that won't Go away. I'm terribly deperessed and terrified of gaining the weight back. Will anything help? I have weed, and alcohol....  I know I'm not gonna feel normal but is there anything g I can do to at least feel a little better?


----------



## selfmedicated

Something I do know is that I'm self medication. I feel normal when I'm using. I just don't function Well sober. Obviously choosing to self medicate with illegal street drugs is a bad choice but when sober I feel like I just want to crawl out of my own ski n. I have a hard time accomplishing anything and normal day to day tasks seem lime huge obstacle to me. Ugh Idk. I just wanna be normal. I don't get high to be high....I don't take oxy to get on a nod big just tho feel normal. I dont take meth to tweak for hours  scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush. I stay as far away from the drugifestyles as possible.


----------



## tripnotyzm

Sorry to hear about your complications, sm.
I really hate the mental confusion that is a result of frequent meth use. 
You feel normal on meth because you have been using it for quite some time now (obviously), but I think you are still ahead in some ways.. 
3 months is enough time to really warp the way your brain functions. But it is good that you are seeking change now rather than in 3 years time. A lot of meth users will not even register the seriousness of their addictions until way down the line.
You also have a partner, who seems to be pretty understanding of your situation. 
It's not a good idea to hide that from your partner. I used to hide it for a long time and it caused nothing but havoc in my relationship/s. 
I think you need to start trial and erroring different methods of recovery. You really need to break this habit which will only continue to suck you in deeper. 
When you wake up, try thinking about your life before you started on drug use. 
Think long & hard. 
Think about how your life could be different without meth. 
I would always focus on the more luxurious items I could spend my money on rather than ice. 
Also, having a partner to help you through is a definite +. 
Im sure it kills him too see your soul so manipulated by this lifestyle, it would be worse if he decided to start using too. 
There are a lot of different things around you which all matter right now. 
Doing the "right" things to recover is so fucking strenuous and such a hard task, but it needs to be taken care of now before it gets extremely harder to battle.
My inbox is open if you want to talk some more. 
Talking about it also helps a shit load.


----------



## RR279

I relapsed since my last post...again. I got 1200 mg about 4 days ago and have done over 500 mg already, I just flushed the remaining 700 mg down the toilet. I was going to burn my script for next month but I've decided to try to return it for a Ritalin script. 

My roomate had a Ritalin script that he gave me once and I didn't find it very rectrational, not to mention the fact that it is FAR less neurotoxic than Adderall. I still need something to help with my ADHD and I've proven to myself I can't do amps responsibly so hopefully this will fill the void that I'm looking for.


----------



## synchrojet

The question doesn't present itself until there's a reason.  If you're asking yourself if you're addicted...you are.  Maybe not badly, but the fact that its on your mind is evidence that you are trying to tell yourself something you don't really want to hear...


----------



## synchrojet

QUOTE: "I've been using Meth daily for 3 months. Mostly smoking but I'll eat it or hotline it too. My bf caught me which is good cause I don't really wanna be a tweaker. So he took me to the lake to crash. I've also been using oxy for about a year now. I'm still using the oxy ( he knows about that) while coming off the Meth. I hate this feeling , tired but feeling like I'm missing out on everything, and a wierd almost tingley feeling that won't Go away. I'm terribly deperessed and terrified of gaining the weight back. Will anything help? I have weed, and alcohol.... I know I'm not gonna feel normal but is there anything g I can do to at least feel a little better?"

There sure is.  You're doing it right now   You'll get where you want to if you keep being honest with yourself and taking action on your own behalf.


----------



## tripnotyzm

Ahhhh rrrrrgh  

I did it again.. 
Arghgh, meth is fucked. 
I had wiped it out of my life, to the point where I had nearly overcome thinking about it every day..
Since I returned from Europe at the start of August, I have been avoiding substances to clear my exhausted system out.
But I've given in to meth on 4 occasions now, which I know, defeats the fucking purpose.
The most recent and worst , after work yesterday I thought I would split some with a friend.
After smoking through our relatively small supply, we then decided to go for a walk.
I noticed my heart would randomly start to hurt and cramp. It will hurt or at least feel uncomfortable when I walk fast or turn suddenly.
This sort of happened to me briefly about 2 weeks ago.. 
Only thing is, I'm still hurting a little. It's been like 6 hours now.
I'm so fucking paranoid. Ontop of that I'm beating myself up for letting my guards down..
I can't get back into this shit.
My day is now ruined, I had to call in sick at work so I can go get it checked out by doctors.
I have to be really active at work, If I rocked up for my shift in a few hours I'm scared ill have a heart attack.
That, and I am looking too badly drug affected to hold my cool.

Has anyone experienced similar heart problems ?
I'm kinda scared.


----------



## n3ophy7e

Dude I know it's scary, but if you lay off everything for a good long while, you will be just fine  
How are you doing today? Did you have the day off from work today? 
Thinking of you brother


----------



## blight12

Hey guys. I been attempting to nip a recent weekly habit in the bud before it gets out of hand. Replaced other stim with meth but the long duration turned a weekend night treat into lifestyle choice.
What has helped. Kratom for the weekend night only when cravings take place, amazing at killing any drug or alcahol cravings dead. Also looking into phenibut. Also as i have a seroquel perscription, a sneaky trick is to take a dose before you give in and logic yourself into scoring,and might help with cravings, not sure, as you will sleep. Basically means its not gonna work, no point in getting. Helps to make the decision for you, though i will admit 1 day of desperately gaging up the pill and going anyways, in a stupid half asleep state. Still worked, dosed and fell asleep, so i know it works for next time. I think what also helps is getting rid of the practical uses, fortunately i see no value beyond rec, so that should help. Tried it while working, wasnt happy,took to long to do shit and i was being to nice. It also helps to have a reason not to do it daily, for me I have my business, my passion, and wouldnt risk this. I also find no desire during the week, luckily, but i think as i take large doses, its only viable when alone and bored as i get high to the point of social retardation. I was wondering if i am safe from withdrawal based addiction due to weekend 2day use only? The plus side is that all other stims, my docs, are shit in comparison, so if i can kick meth, i wont got back to that crap.
My pros and risks are zero anxiety on and off the drug, it doesnt make my other bad anxiety worse at all, in fact it has vanished, though from other reasons, its really great to have zero anxiety for once as apposed to the daily dose. Its wierd cause other stims always had an element of anxiety. Are there issues longer term? My brother used alot when he was younger and im certain that it brought out or made wore his bipolar, its bad and no med cocktail is working, scared being around the guy in case he starts stabbing his leg with a knifeor jumps of the balcony and breaks his leg again. The weird thing is that stims make him completely normal. Is there some conclusion from this? Weras alcahol is danger.


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## bn087

I am very new here on the forums, browsing and reading to self educate myself in areas of interest. However, I too have been addicted to meth, but I have made it 4 years away and it was not easy. If you are here, you came to read and post for a reason and you should already pat yourself on the back. Life cannot change if you don't want it to.

My experiences started when I was 14 and lasted until I was 21 - 2 stints in rehab, 1 ER visit, and constant paranoia contributed to my decision to finally stop. I did meet my wife while I used and even encouraged it in our early months of dating, I would feel guilt every day but if she didn't experience this, she couldn't of ever understood me - even to this day. Life isn't what most consider normal, but what is normal? My nerves are a constant problem, I am easily overwhelmed and suffer from anxiety. I have nervous habits I can't prevent and I worry a lot. 

Everyone has the ability to beat the addictive cycle but you have got to remove yourself from those that will bring you down. I had one relapse when I was 23, already married and had my toddler. I rarely even thought about spinning, much less than in my initial 12-18 months. My neighbor smoked pot and asked if I wanted to come by. We did this and then he asked if I wanted to smoke meth. Completely startled, quickly said hell no. 4 hours later I was knocking on the door asking if he had more - I spent hours pacing and acting weird at home completely oblivious to my family before going back. One hit and I went straight home, confessed, cried and we picked the pieces up - I barely tasted it, but it was as if I set myself back years.

Nothing will replace your drug of choice, and it's not just the drug, it's the lifestyle. Do all you can to separate yourself, if your "friends" understand, they will back you, if they don't then they are not a friend. Everyone on here seems very supportive - reach out to people important to you, you may of lost relationships but you can build more and rebuild broken. Don't expect people to understand what you are going through, it can be just as difficult from the outside looking in. Be strong and keep smiling.


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## kingtweaker92

i was kicked out of my mothers house at 17 due to my meth use, reluctantly my gma let me move in with her. my meth addiction spiraled out of control at 19 when i started IV'ing. i came across it and was curious..i was hooked. its been almost 5 months of pretty much daily use. (sleeping every so often and eating and hydrating myself regularly) its got to a point now that from sun up to sun my mind has no other capacity but meth. im slowly losing it and dont what to do.

i've been to rehab once and was succesfully sober for almost 3 months and whats driving me crazy is how i've been to rehab (before IV was intrtoduced to me) and how someone goes straight to what i consider morally the worst of the worst. i'm constantly in limbo between using and looking for treatment/counceling. the meth has consumed my mind, body, and soul. i want recovery, but dont know where to start. psychosis is setting in, im feeling the symptoms worse everyday and my guilty concience is wearing me down in every way.

im here looking for support/advice and am new to posting. forgive me if my etiquette is off..

-KING


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## Sweet P

^ I know how you feel. Meth consumed my mind, body and soul for years... it was the center of my whole existence. Has treatment and counseling worked for you in the past? It might be worth having another go at counseling or even going into rehab if you think it's necessary. I found quitting meth also requires huge changes in our social circles. I had to stop hanging out with people who use it, delete contacts from my cell phone, and so on.

Today I've been having bad cravings for meth... they had been getting better since I quit the drug several months ago, but today they've returned with a vengeance. I'm trying to talk myself outta scoring, by reminding myself that all my good contacts have gone, and the only ones I still know sell shitty stuff that isn't worth the money or the trouble.


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## jean burbank

I connect to this, met relaxes me to actually sit, I suffer bipolar mania, pacing and concentration is a big problem for me, i feel dead.  I also take meds, but meth evens me out, i do my things that i want to be doing and i am articulate and people like me, i mean, i am not weird uncomfortable.  It like mellows me out, to focus.  I once asked a doctor who asked me do i do drugs i said yes meth, she said do you see that as a problem, i said well I'm doing it behind my back but it makes me function as a normal person, she said, so why is that a problemm? it was weird.  I have just had a thirteen day streak, the whole time i felt like shit, dying.  i got some, i felt immediately like a human.  WHY!


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## jean burbank

I would keep using drugs, if i knew that i wasn't in denial, because they help me function as a walking person, but i know they will make me more mental in the end, I got a prescription to adderall hoping it would help me ween off.  adderall doesn't make me feel anything.


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## kingtweaker92

Sweet P said:


> ^ I know how you feel. Meth consumed my mind, body and soul for years... it was the center of my whole existence. Has treatment and counseling worked for you in the past? It might be worth having another go at counseling or even going into rehab if you think it's necessary. I found quitting meth also requires huge changes in our social circles. I had to stop hanging out with people who use it, delete contacts from my cell phone, and so on.
> 
> Today I've been having bad cravings for meth... they had been getting better since I quit the drug several months ago, but today they've returned with a vengeance. I'm trying to talk myself outta scoring, by reminding myself that all my good contacts have gone, and the only ones I still know sell shitty stuff that isn't worth the money or the trouble.



counceling has worked in the past sweet p. and im actually tapering/lowering dosage and seeing a councelor and psychologist as of yesterday. the first step in a long, long, road as i see it.. the psychological adddiction and routine of use i've got accustomed to is insane..i've met life-time users who ofter say things like "damn youngster sure you can handle that?" yeah, sad huh? 

also sorry i posted here twice and was a lil, well...crazy..i cant explain my own actions sometimes..my heart carries the pain of a brain i cant explain...

-KING


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## dankhead88

you know, after suffering from a year long oxycodone/heroin/alcohol dependency about a year ago, I feel an addictive quality from the past is coming back. Recently, I've gotten into meth. Well, kind of re-introduced to it. Before that, the last time I did meth was the last time I did heroin, before I got my car taken away from my dad for not paying for a long time.(which i didn't have a meth addiction during that time. I had a heroin addiction to maintain, but I was often starting to combine meth and heroin in a rig quite often.) When originally, I was going to use it for productivity. 

I feel old habits came back quick. From smoking it, to leading me back to the use of IV in a destructive manner; just like how I did with my heroin use, but this addiction feels so different from my old opiate use. I can't explain it. Well, I guess it's obvious because one's a powerful opiate and the other's a psychostimulant. 

The only thing that scares me is the school that I go to and the limited amount of work I have because of it; struggling to pay bills and whatnot. I'm afraid that I won't get much work accomplished or oversleep due to a lack of sleep. I have stopped the use of IV though, due to old horrible memories of being a heroin addict and the money spent on it. I've stuck to oral dosing of meth and even bought a bag to split into separate doses for each day of the week; however, I still find myself staying up for hours and find myself compulsively insuffulating bumps or smoking it. I've gotten to the point where I can take powernaps on it, eat small meals, take multivitamins and stopped my jaw clenching, however, it's a sign of tolerance and tolerance to me, means that I've started to adapt to this lifestyle of "semi charmed life". Every grain of salt I see, every dried piece of rice I find, every broken piece of glass I look at reminds me of methamphetamine. I'm just shocked how it's been 2 1/2 months and how I have so many empty bags laying around. Well, it was the same for heroin for me. It just seems so hard to crash and heal with such limited time. 

I was forced to work cold turkey on heroin because I needed to pay bills, despite the abdominal pains, the watery eyes, the stuffy nose, the restless and painful legs, and the anxiety and depression associated with it, but inside, I felt good for feeling that way. It was almost an easy exit for me(really thanks to loperamide, ibuprofen, and heavy drinking. This eventually led me to be a heavy drinker, often smelling like alcohol every morning and night), but on this, I don't want to do anything. I don't care for anything. It's like the apathy on lots of heroin except there's pain rather than analgesia, and there's anhedonia rather than euphoria. Almost feels like I have parkinson's. Also the compulsive tendency to look in keyboards and carpets for meth. I always tell myself that there isn't a significant amount of meth in the carpet to feel even the slightest bit of stimulation and on the contrary, I don't ever recall dropping a shard. EVER. Though, I always tell this simple logic to myself, I still find myself searching in the carpet for another 20-30minutes.

This current problem, makes me rather be a heroin addict again(not really going to pursue it though, just a random lighthearted thought) Truth be told, I've worked hard to get back into school, but I feel like I don't know where I'm going in life anymore. I don't know, I should really stop rambling under the influence and start thinking of a strategy. 

I've been holding these thoughts back, and just thought I'd share with my current scenario. Thank y'all for listening and/or understanding.


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## benzoheadplus44

†∆†;8900239 said:
			
		

> I am a shell of myself without amphetamines. Even after the initial withdrawl period has ended, I still don't feel like I'm myself, or even a real person




qtf .... amphetamine,... well dextroamph tabs have their devils claw in my soul.... rxed 80mg now take up to 150-200mg in a 24 hour then i lose count... i hit 50-60mg the start then 3-5 3 times prior a day.... without it i am nothing, just a shell... someone with no emotions, besides negative ones, all the drug does now is make me feel good, tingly and normal.... able to get tasks done, see thru and understand shit easier than i normally would have.... but shortly after the comeup for 4-6-7 hours im just not happy not sad just a robotic shell.... its fucked up...s

8yrs on, 2 month and a occassional dry spell... dependent on 4mg kpin or any benzo from the anxiety ultimately caused from amphetamine misuse, and binging... i have a script in the mail.... enough to buyy the shit too.... 240...... i just went thru 120 in  a week 10mg tabs... gave 5 away....   i started at 17 im 25 now... quickly fell in  with polydrug combinations to synergize or get AS  fucked up as posssible or to raise my speed dose... the star of the show for me.... all i do on it it think about it and shit... wacked out clean im done no libido like before.... unless like last month a 38 yr old girl knocked on my motel door... let her in shhe came back and i was her rebound for her husband fucking with her life.... idk hope im clean  now lol....


again being on speed well... i felt the bonding toward her and just said fuck it....   of course something to watch for...   i just needed pussy lol... 4 yrs first time in a while eh? I have drugs to shove my cock in but they just "like the pills in your hand, they never let you down" its true... those are song lyrics.. from the alkaline trio...
'and like the bugs in my bed devouring all thats left of me"..... i got myself some alright, woke up on my floor in my room in the morning we both blacked out....fucked her n felt bad i left i was so fucked up she gave me so many ativans a beer and i had valium.... well end of a speed binge.........


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## RR279

I've been clean for nearly 5 weeks, or a full 7-8 weeks if you disregard two back to back relapses at the 5 week mark. The only buzz I've obtained in those nearly 2 months(minus the relapse) has been drinking twice. I've been having serious thoughts the past few days about getting a fresh script and a big part of me REALY Lwants to get an Addy refill tomorrow. I've been trying to ignore the urges and have been successful to date, but it only takes one moment of weakness to undo all my work.

The ability to legally obtain speed and start tweeking within a few hours of making a phone call really has been a major downfall in my search for sobriety. Halps me!


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## RR279

benzoheadplus44 said:


> qtf .... amphetamine,... well dextroamph tabs have their devils claw in my soul.... rxed 80mg now take up to 150-200mg in a 24 hour then i lose count... i hit 50-60mg the start then 3-5 3 times prior a day.... without it i am nothing, just a shell... someone with no emotions, besides negative ones, all the drug does now is make me feel good, tingly and normal.... able to get tasks done, see thru and understand shit easier than i normally would have.... but shortly after the comeup for 4-6-7 hours im just not happy not sad just a robotic shell.... its fucked up...s
> 
> 8yrs on, 2 month and a occassional dry spell... dependent on 4mg kpin or any benzo from the anxiety ultimately caused from amphetamine misuse, and binging... i have a script in the mail.... enough to buyy the shit too.... 240...... i just went thru 120 in  a week 10mg tabs... gave 5 away....   i started at 17 im 25 now... quickly fell in  with polydrug combinations to synergize or get AS  fucked up as posssible or to raise my speed dose... the star of the show for me.... all i do on it it think about it and shit... wacked out clean im done no libido like before.... unless like last month a 38 yr old girl knocked on my motel door... let her in shhe came back and i was her rebound for her husband fucking with her life.... idk hope im clean  now lol....
> 
> 
> again being on speed well... i felt the bonding toward her and just said fuck it....   of course something to watch for...   i just needed pussy lol... 4 yrs first time in a while eh? I have drugs to shove my cock in but they just "like the pills in your hand, they never let you down" its true... those are song lyrics.. from the alkaline trio...
> 'and like the bugs in my bed devouring all thats left of me"..... i got myself some alright, woke up on my floor in my room in the morning we both blacked out....fucked her n felt bad i left i was so fucked up she gave me so many ativans a beer and i had valium.... well end of a speed binge.........


How long were you doing dex?


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## Cohesion

One year today no amphetamines !!
Guys!


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## badfish45

That's awesome cohesion!  What's been going better in your life lately?


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## Jakeperson

I got sucked in to one of my least favourite drugs, methamphetamine. I have a feeling I will be here more often in the near future.. Lets just hope it is near future.


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## Cohesion

Since i gave up my Adderall scripts my life is changed for the better in the following ways


Sense of purpose
I go to bed at the same time every day
Emotional stability
I respect my choices
Ration
No constant sense of guilt
no constant sense of doom

Better than the "good" things in my life, are the things that aren't there. The craving,mental unhappiness,looking like a skeleton


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## deblojo13

*What if u r not in recovery?  Can u still post here?.....*


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## deblojo13

*I just can't do it......i want to, i need to but every time that scrip comes due..i
just can't not get it.....plus i'm bipolar so when i crash i really crash hard...
I gotta go to my counselor today...of course she doesn't know about it...but
if i don't keep going to her then the doc won't give me my bipolar/depression
drugs......
ugh....i've had abou 3 hours sleep in the last 2 days...
later...*


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## Captain.Heroin

deblojo13 said:


> *I just can't do it......i want to, i need to but every time that scrip comes due..i
> just can't not get it.....plus i'm bipolar so when i crash i really crash hard...
> I gotta go to my counselor today...of course she doesn't know about it...but
> if i don't keep going to her then the doc won't give me my bipolar/depression
> drugs......
> ugh....i've had abou 3 hours sleep in the last 2 days...
> later...*



Why don't you politely decline another prescription?  It's what I would do in your situation.

You can always say "I want to take some time off from the medication" so as to sound like you're going to try handling your ADD/ADHD (or whatever you are prescribed stimulants for) without medication.


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## RR279

Been doing well, not completely clean but I've only done about 400 mg in the past 3 months with my only other intoxicant being moderate alcohol intake on 4-5 occasions. I used to take nearly that much in a day so that is a major improvement. I owe most of my success to Wellbutrin.


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## SkagKush

^ Congrats on the improvement!  Glad to hear it.


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## majicBLUE

So, I think I got some bad dope or something.  Went fucking crazy, got sent to a fucking mental hospital for a day.  Was hearing a voice and still have some kind of voice inside of my head but it tells me to read mysticism books.  Went into convulsions, like couldn't stop my body from jerking to the left, etc.  Been clean off the shit for a week, relapsed today.  Wtf is wrong with me.


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## sweaty

Hi guys, I'm sweaty. Just want to post to say there is hope for the amphetamine addict because I was severely hooked on dextroamphetamine/Dexedrine which was legally prescribed to me. I haven't had any at all since May 2012, about 9 months as of this posting. So many posts on this thread mirror the Hell I went through and if I can be of any help to anyone who still has a hook in their cheek, let me know. I am NOT big on 12 Step, but if it works for you at all, then use it. I checked back into a 12 step oriented rehab to dry out as well as to have a place to stay so I have very mixed feelings toward 12 Step to say the least. I tried a lot of things between binges to feel better-OTC stuff, herbals/suppliments, and a variety of psychiatric meds. I've come to the conclusion that nothing helped as much as giving myself TIME to let my brain and body heal. Cravings diminish and sometimes the thought of tweeking again disgusts me. Bupropion helped significantly but I've discontinued it. I aim to get off all my psych meds eventually. My ability to enjoy regular everyday things is returning but I still get very moody from time to time. I luckily have nothing but free time and little to stress me out significantly. I'm also familiar with the fun of hardcore opiate and cocaine addiction. Aside from bad teeth, I am relatively healthy. I've even quit cigarettes since November 2012. That's all I have to say for now. I want to keep this post short, I can write endlessly. Take care of yourselves. I'll be around. 
-sweaty


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## Captain.Heroin

Congratulations sweaty, you've come a really far way and I'm proud of you.


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## Sepher

Welcome back Sweaty. You'd only just put it down when you last posted, eh? You've come a long way. Good for you, and congrats. I know exactly what you mean about using again disgusting you, I'm exactly the same way with opiates, the thought of it is just repellant. Good luck for the future, good to see you back posting. Success stories are always good here, showing it _can_ be done and _how_ it can be done, we need more of them so thanks.


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## GoronusMaximus

I've recently taken the plunge...

This is my first post on BlueLight but I have spent some time browsing the forums in the past.  It took me a little over the past week but I have read this entire thread and decided that posting my own debacle may end up helping me or another poster who is also struggling with an amphetamine addiction.

I am not a meth addict and have actually never even done meth but my story revolves around adderall.  I am going to warn those of you who may not consider prescription stimulants as "real" drugs; please do not believe this lie.  While these drugs have appropriate medical uses (which I am not denying), they are plenty dangerous on their own.  My experiences with adderall have been quite similar to some of the other posters experiences with methamphetamine.  I encourage anyone reading this post to consider these dangers and to be careful and honest with yourselves about your usage.  It's much easier to kick a habit before it becomes a real problem.  Be smart and be safe.  Well, here goes...

I have often struggled with academics and accomplishment of long term goals.  I have tested very high on IQ tests in the past and overall am a well "educated" individual.  My problems have always stemmed from lack of attentiveness and short term motivation.  It is very difficult for me to study or to engage in the "grind" of completing major tasks.  I believe this is caused by ADHD but also by what I am finding to be an addictive personality.  I have always been easily swayed by chemical substances in addition to my complete (yet temporary) infatuation with certain activities or habits.

I am currently a college student working to earn a degree in chemistry or chemical engineering.  Due to difficulty with studying and attentiveness during class, I chose to see a therapist and psychiatrist a little over a year ago.  I did this with the complete intention of getting a prescription for adderall or another similar stimulant used in the treatment of ADHD.  Until this point, my only experiences with stimulants were a few times with cocaine after a night of heavy drinking.  I had yet to develop any addictions outside of alcohol and tobacco.  I was already an alcoholic of 6+ years at this point and a habitual tobacco user for 8+ years.

I initially was prescribed Wellbutrin but I never gave it much of a chance.  I don't know why but I also lied about the frequency of my alcohol use to both my therapist and doctor.  After a month on Wellbutrin, the doctor prescribed me to 10mg adderall XR.  I was so excited to fill the prescription.  My motivation was never bad.  I honestly thought that an ADHD medication could make a huge difference in my life and give me the ability to truly harness my talents.  I thought it was the answer.  I popped a pill as soon as I got the bottle and just as an experiment, I popped another one to see if the effects were more prominent at 20mg.  I was enamored by the sudden clarity I had gained.  Little did I know that I was taking the first step down a path that was going to lead to the darkest time of my life.

I didn't often "abuse" my prescription.  I usually stuck to one 10mgXR per day and sometimes took another if it was a big study day. I also took regular days off.  I eventually settled in to 15mg/day and this was working well for me.  I often would take 2 pills as before and usually would run out of meds the day before my script was to get refilled.  These first few months were the happiest times of my life.  I was in love with my life.  During this point, my max was reached when I took 4 pills and drove around for an hour listening to Nirvana's "In Utero" feeling like I was having an orgasm the entire time.  I won't ever forget that day.

I think things permanently went out of my control during finals.  This was my first binge period but it would not be my last.  I ran out of pills about 5 or 6 days before my script was to be refilled.  My next script lasted me 8 days.  I almost freaked out at the thought of being without pills for 3 weeks.  I eventually was ok with it.

I was not too concerned at first.  The withdrawals sucked but I had my new poppy tea habit to deal with that.  I rationalized that it was Summer time and I had no classes.  Going wild with my scripts didn't matter because I didn't "need" it and I would get it back under control when school started.  My son was born the week before Fall classes started.  I made sure that I was jacked up when he was born.  I has been planning that for months.  I barely remember after he was born because I was so sleep deprived.  Anxiety had started to set in by this point and it made it very uncomfortable for me to hold him or be around my wife after she gave birth.  Anyways...

I didn't get control like I had planned.  Things remained the same.  I kept going on the quest to regain the magic and finding that little by little, it was becoming harder and harder to attain.  The line between euphoric bliss and over-stimulated oblivion become thinner and thinner.  Eventually, there was no line anymore...

Because of constant withdrawals and a more depressed mood, I bombed the semester.  When the next semester started, I started to regain some control but it was much too late by that point.  Things spiraled and as they got worse, my dosages started to increase again.  I finally reached the breaking point.  People talk about "hitting rock bottom" and I felt it firsthand.  I didn't lose my family, I didn't lose my job, not my friends...I lost myself.  My last run was pure...despair.  I could no longer fathom happiness and I couldn't figure out a point to keep on living.  All of my goals were suddenly meaningless and I stopped caring about everything.  I didn't want to be around my family.  There was no future...there was no hope.  It saddened me greatly to reach this point because I knew just how much I was losing.  This sadness was the only thing I was capable of feeling.  I had no idea that a person could suffer that MUCH emotional agony.

This had become my life.  I was breaking down physically as well as mentally in addition to the emotional pain.  I lost a ton of weight, my teeth were deteriorating, my muscles were sore, my chest pains were growing in severity, I had trouble figuring out my thoughts, I was paranoid beyond belief.  I never fully gave into my delusions but my mind was doing it's best to convince me that everyone was talking about me and it was only a matter of time before the cops came to take me away and that I was being followed and watched.  My life was over, surely there was no recovery.

I did come to the conclusion that my ONLY chance was to quit and stay quit.  In my desperation, I wrote a long letter to my wife about everything and what my plans were.  The only thing I knew at the time was that I loved my son and my wife.  My recovery may not have meant much to me but I knew that I needed to get better for them (especially my son) if anything.  After one last day on a smaller dosage, I jumped off the boat and now here I am...

I still feel shitty.  The initial withdrawal period has passed but the hard part is afterwards.  Lethargy varies, school sucks, I can't concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes and I have very little motivation, the paranoia is also lingering but I think it is subsiding.  In spite of all this, I'm starting to smile REAL smiles again and I'm able to enjoy my family without faking it.  It still sucks.  I still want nothing more than to take another adderall but I have done well to remind myself where that will take me.  In the past 6 months I've also quit drinking after a long habit of an almost daily frequency.  The opiate (poppy tea) habit is lingering but I'm about to jump off that boat as well (I thankfully don't currently use enough to experience withdrawal).  My future is very bleak right now because I don't know what's going to happen.  I'm going to have to rebuild my life, reevaluate my goals, find new hobbies, etc..  As scary as it is, I know that the alternative that is screaming for me is much much worse.  I have only strength to gain from this turbulent time.  I have to keep hope alive.

I barely had the energy to write that up and am surprised I wrote so much.  To any of you that took the time to read through it, know that I appreciate it.  I hope that as my life goes on, I can use my experiences to help other people with similar problems.  I'm going to need that type of positive reinforcement to stay on the proper path.  I wish you all the best of luck in overcoming your afflictions.

NOW...if nobody minds, I believe I'm going to go sleep in my car before my next class...


----------



## spork

GM, thank you for sharing your story. Adderall is indeed something that you don't want to mess around with. It's a serious drug and has the potential to be extremely addictive along with the other stimulants that are prescribed for ADHD. In college it's widely used and accepted. I'm in school myself right now and I'm not gonna lie, the temptation to ask my psychiatrist for Adderall or another stimulant is there and frequently reenters my mind. I know myself though and that I don't have it in me to control myself when it comes to amphetamines or meth so I just try to do the best I can without it. 

It seems like you're doing good so keep it up! Take things a day at a time and remember on bad days that those feelings won't last and you're strong enough to get through it. Getting exercise, eating healthy, and getting enough sleep will do wonders for you and your mind. I also would recommend getting yourself on a study schedule and sticking to it. I know I have a huge habit of procrastinating with my studying, but if I stick to a schedule I feel more confident and less like I need amphetamines to concentrate. You might want to look into is your school's health services and see if they offer a support group for addiction or even going to AA/NA meetings. The more support you can get right now, the better. 

Keep doing what you're doing and you'll notice that things _will_ improve. I think you're noticing that already, but just keep at it. This is by no means difficult, so keep checking in here when you can and let us know how things are going for you. You're doing the right thing for you and your family and that's something to be proud of.


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## herbavore

GoronusMaximus said:


> My future is very bleak right now because I don't know what's going to happen.  I'm going to have to rebuild my life, reevaluate my goals, find new hobbies, etc..  As scary as it is, I know that the alternative that is screaming for me is much much worse.  I have only strength to gain from this turbulent time.  I have to keep hope alive.





If you really examine that first sentence you wrote in this paragraph, I think you can chart a positive course simply by refuting that thought. The future is always the future--no one knows what will happen and all the planning and diligent work and intentions in the world cannot change the uncertainty of it. You have only the present. I do not mean that there is no point in diligent work, intention or planning; far from it! Setting goals and working towards them creates meaning and fulfillment. Yet accepting the uncertainty of what lies ahead is the best way I have found to experience the present without layering anxiety on our every waking moment. I know that having a baby and going to school at the same time (and probably working, too) is very stressful, but in a very real way you are lucky. That little being, your son, is the best live-in guru for living in the present. That is quite literally all he knows. He does not worry about the future at all. While we can't all go back to such a state, we can certainly benefit from expressing and feeling our feelings fully when they happen without projecting forward.

I have complete sympathy with you about Adderall. I think it is one of those ridiculous lines between a legal and an illegal drug that causes so many people to underestimate both the immediate and cumulative effects as well as the potential for dependence or addiction. 

I am so glad to hear that you are smiling again. Even more, I admire you for being able to see how monumental a change that is and to honor it. It is this kind of appreciation and positivity that will help you rebuild your life and ensure that no matter what happens in your future, your_present_ will never be too bleak. Keep doing what you are doing and don't forget to let your little guru lead you to some amazing new places.


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## iliketoast

I've been speed-free for about a week now...not for lack of trying, I will admit. Somehow dude always becomes realllllly hard to get a hold of when I've told myself I need some time off.

The first couple days sucked as usual, but then by day 3ish things were starting to look up. Before I ran out I started making sure I was eating better, made sure to get more liquids, took my vitamins/supplements, and added 5-HTP. I also restarted taking my prescriptions - Wellbutrin & adderall xr - the first day I was without; haven't been good about that the last couple times I tried "taking a break." I've never abused my adderall, and don't think I ever will - meth has that certain uh, sparkle for me. 

Anyway. I feel like I'm hitting a rut again. I know I could get high tonight if I want. I had a tough night last night, maybe that's why I'm feeling so down? But I don't know. Other things are overwhelming. I know I don't have the time to tweak for hours right now, but I also know once I reach that state I won't care..but then I will later I guess.

This is very rambly. I just feel lost and very much alone.

To GM - thanks for sharing. I know it's tough. You sound optimistic and it gave me some encouragement.


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## GoronusMaximus

@spork

Thank you.  You have no idea what it means to me to receive encouragement from somebody who knows what I'm going through.  I spent a good portion of the day thinking about your reply and even after reading it for the nth time, it still made me smile.

The study schedule is a good idea, unfortunately at current, I'm doing my best to hang on for the semester because I honestly don't really care enough at this point to fight the lack of motivation I'm experiencing.  Hopefully in a few days things start to settle down a bit.

I'm giving consideration to attending some type of support group.  My father (a recovering heroin addict) gave me the same suggestion as a means to not feel "so alone" in my recovery.  It's something I will have to think further on.  Just posting in this forum has been helpful and encouraging in it's own right.

@herbavore 

Thank you too for your encouragement and suggestions.  I know what you mean about the future; I suppose I've currently been upset because I feel very little control over it at the current.  Perhaps giving up for a little bit will prove to be quite theureputic.  I have plenty to live in the present with at current.  As you say, I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful thing is my son.  Maybe I'll just worry about being a good dad for a bit and cherishing the moments as they come.  Holding off for a few months at reevaluating my future may prove to be a wise course of action and give me the time and space needed to heal properly.

@iliketoast

I feel your struggle, friend.  You may not have made the choice to quit for good but it sounds like it may be a good time to give it some consideration.

Those "down" feelings you're having are quite natural as the effects of immediate cessastion.  With time (not soon enough unfortunately), things will begin to become easier without the drug and you'll feel less of a need to use it.  It's easier said than done but I'm sure it's worth the try.  Even if you screw up and get high again, there's always the day after for you to give it another shot.

You're not alone.  I know that feeling so well and still feel it myself but I assure you that it is not the truth.  Perhaps reaching out in the community and seeking out some type of addiction support group could be helpful for you to get over this hump?

I know I'm new here but I'd be very happy to offer any support that I can.  If I can do even one thing to help out another person, that will have made my registration here worth the time so feel free to shoot me a PM if you feel the urge!


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## Justamith2

I used to be addicted to lisdexamphetamines, and I have sensed a mental change over my past time of abuse(about six months, my friends intervened early) over the months, I have sensed myself gaining attention deficit disorder, depression, and a little bit of psychosis I think. I get random close. Eye visuals (quite extreme sometimes), heard noises out of nowhere, even when paying in bed and there is nothing there, and also feeling like I am rushing through space, even when I'm sitting still. Kind of the same feeling as when one has smoked large amounts of marijuana, but I rarely do that, so i I don't believe it has attributed to it.

By the way, I am a 16 year old boy, adds to the story.
For all of the people who are addicted to amps, please know that if u keep doing this it is bad for your mental health, and it is much safer for you to stay or become sober. Never stop fighting.


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## GoronusMaximus

@Justamith2

Don't get too discouraged!  It takes a little time for the brain to heal.  Your young age should help your recovery.  Just keep up the clean ride and things should start getting better for you.  Don't be scared to ask your parents to find you a therapist either as that may be very beneficial.


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## GoronusMaximus

Things are getting a little better for me.  I've reached a very peculiar state of peace and clarity.  The fatigue is starting to lessen (though getting out of bed in the morning is still utter hell) and the lack of motivation is becoming easier to deal with.  The cravings have also started to lighten up but are still very much present.  My thoughts are still a tangled mess and I think I'm feeling a very mellow type of depression but I'm starting to feel...alive?  It's difficult to explain but it's a type of feeling I cannot recall experiencing before in my life.  I feel like I'm starting to gravitate towards the path I've been spending my life searching for.  I still have no clue what it is or where it will lead but I think I'm coming to some sort of peace with my inner self that I had yet to find.

I've been doing my best to hold to the notion that this terrible and awful time of my life has a very bright light at the end of the tunnel.  Perhaps this is what I have always needed and I will look back at this time and find it to be the most important period of my life?  I think it's a great way to look at this life for all of us.  Overcoming our addictions has to build the fortitude of our spirits to previously unimaginable levels.  Maybe we cannot find the niche we've always sought in this world; the perfect fit we believe is out there somewhere for all of us and what's been missing.  If not, at least we can find peace; peace that will guide us to happiness and fulfillment.


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## Eric B

Hi everyone I"m Eric B and am a long time lurker of BL forums. I am not struggling (nor have tried) meth but have lost a few friends to the stuff (not in the sense that they're dead but I've decided to distance myself from them & their erratic behaviour). It is so sad to see the damage this drug has done to people in Sydney here. I remember I first came across meth by reading a book titled 'Scattered' when i was ~18. I'd only just started experimenting with drugs at the time (namely cannabis) and what really struck me about the drug was how fun it seemed to be. I'm really not sure why I didn't end up trying meth but I think it has to do with the fact that I have an addictive personality and it really did seem _too good_. 

Over the years I've had the opinion that if you get caught up in this shit it's your fault. I've written off a few friends who got in too deep but recently a close friend of mine has really started going off the rails. It hurts me so much to see such a great guy who I really look up to become a zombie. I was always a more introverted shy person and he is the exact opposite. I look up to him like a big brother because even though is has that alpha male/life of the party personality he has never once given me shit for being on the opposite end of the spectrum. He's never teased me for being vegetarian, reading books or for talking 'proper'. I know I probably embarrass him in front of his friends sometimes because I'm not as 'hardcore' as them but he's never held it against me. In fact he often asks if I'm alright when we hang out in case i'm put off by anything. He's only 22  and has been locked up before (9 months all up spent inside) but he's fully qualified for a trade and even though he's this big strong guy he's honestly one of the nicest people I've met. He's taught me so much but never in a "Sit down Eric B i'm going to teach you something" way. He's on a suspended sentence right now and recently lost his job. I'm so worried that he'll get locked up again for slipping up. It really scared me that I won't be able to hang out with him for two years. These are meant to be some of the best years of his life.

It has gotten so hard to watch him do this to himself. I really want to encourage him to get off this shit and get himself a new job in his trade but I'm don't want to just keep reminding him of how he's in a shit position like everyone else is reminding him. I try and call him up every day and meet up with him during the week but the longer the time increases since he lost his job the harder it is to connect with him. Sometimes he's in such a shit mood when he's coming down. He never threatens me or acts hostile towards me but it's so hard at times to talk to him about _anything_. We used to watch documentaries together or he'd tell me about how his time spent locked up was. Or he'd tell me about his childhood or something. But now it is so hard to connect with him. I will always be there for him but it is so hard to watch a good mate of mine turn into what he is now. I really hope everyone is giving it their best to get of this fucking shit horrendous drug because it really does ruin lives. Good luck everyone and thanks for listening.


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## tripnotyzm

Eric B, I'm from Western-Sydney, and the ice epidemic is scary out here.
I have also lost some close friends to it..
One friend reminds me of the guy you're talking about.
And its getting so hard to watch him throw his life away to meth. 
Every day he had a new wild story to tell me.. 
The other week, he stole $2500 off of drug dealers, which he blew within 24 hours on strippers and meth in the Cross. 
I had little run in's with it in the past, so its very confronting when my best friend is constantly smoking and glorifying the drug in front of me.
Lately I have been distancing myself from him more & more each week.. My support is still on the table, but I cannot see him changing any time soon.. And if I keep knocking around him, chances are I will become involved in some nasty shit.


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## Eric B

Hey tripnotyzm thanks heaps for reading and replying to my post. I think you're absolutely right about distancing yourself from him in case you become involved in some nasty shit. Sometimes I'll hear people saying how off the rails my mate is going on the shit and I want to tell them to fuck right off and say how he's such an awesome guy that's so kind, but at the same time I know that what they're saying is true. It's so true about the new wild stories they have. 

I think one of the worst things is seeing him fried off his brains and it honestly looks so pathetic. I really hate how with shards you can go literally days on end. That story about your mate doing over the dealers is just crazy. It's shit like that that shows just how out of touch with reality users get. It's like there's something in their head that thinks they will just need the next hit so they can get off their ass and scam more cash. Once they get the cash they run through it so fucking quick. The cycle repeats itself with a few day sleep in between a multi day bender. I honestly don't know how you could live a 4 days awake - 2 days asleep cycle. But this is how I remind myself that no matter what this drug isn't worth trying. This drug is the reason that my mate is throwing away his life. 

I remember we were once talking about what the most addictive drug was. I was saying it was most definitely meth (even though I haven't done it there must be a reason why there are so many people wasting themselves away to this shit). He was saying it was definitely heroin. God I hate the stigma heroin seems to have here in Aus. Smoking meth for days on end is alright because we do it with friends but nodding out is only for junkie losers. I remember just staring at him and thinking _are you fucking serious_. I mean he sees what this shit does and how deep he's into it but he still wouldn't regard it as the most addictive. That's classical denial scenario I guess. [I don't mean to derail this into a meth vs heroin addictivity argument but am just using this to show he's shortsightedness. People will find different drugs more addictive depending on their DOC].

I remember when my sister would always tell me to be cautious around him and not get suckered into his way of life. She would joke around and say "Eric B hang around with him long enough and you'll try it!". I think she only believed I wouldn't when I told her people that sell that shit should be shot. This is such a shit drug. Good luck everyone!


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## 5000m

tripnotyzm, Yeah aussies do lots of meth, more people are getting on it and it's becoming more accepted... I like to think it will stop but I don't believe that will happen

Eric B, my friend is in a similar sitcho. He's always been the druggy in our group and he reckons ice is worst because of how it gets into your head. He managed to get off it for a few months last year, went back to working and put on 15 KG, looked much better - then one night we got smashed, he let his guard down and the pipe came out

It's really deceitful you can have a toot at work, be the most productive employee and people won't know. With practice you can eat and drink normally on it too. You see triggers everywhere, anything pipe, rock or ice related becomes a joke. A lot of people underestimate the pull of the drug, keeping it off one's mind and reserved for partying is very difficult


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## GoronusMaximus

I had a slip earlier this week.  Got put into a position where it was right in my face.  I didn't go on a binge and didn't go nuts.  I regretted it the next day though (or even during).  Had a couple of shitty feeling days afterwards but I'm starting to feel somewhat normal again overall.  No reason to get all caught up in a minor slip up and destroy everything I've been working towards.


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## Saber44

20 years old and I've been on and of it too many times to count.  The worst part of it is that even when I've been months clean, I can never muster the motivation to clean up my room, do schoolwork, etc
3 years of meth abuse and I cant do schoolwork sober anymore. I threw away a 2-month sting of sobriety a couple weeks ago like it was nothing.


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## some dude

I have someone very close to me that is struggling with Adderall abuse. She gets her 1 month script and takes it all in under a week, and she is prescribed 60mg a day. She averages over 300mg a day. They are IR not XR. Personally I feel pretty concerned, as I have dealt with opiate addiction and feel like I have at least some idea of what she is doing. How bad is her habit? She has never touched street meth, just addy pills.


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## xxpurplehazexx

some dude said:


> I have someone very close to me that is struggling with Adderall abuse. She gets her 1 month script and takes it all in under a week, and she is prescribed 60mg a day. She averages over 300mg a day. They are IR not XR. Personally I feel pretty concerned, as I have dealt with opiate addiction and feel like I have at least some idea of what she is doing. How bad is her habit? She has never touched street meth, just addy pills.




I'm not an expert or anything, but I would say that's pretty terrible. I take 20mg per day (sometimes a little extra) and I still have some nasty side-effects. How long has she been taking that much? I don't think she'll last much longer on that dose, but I could be completely wrong.


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## some dude

She has been taking it for around four years but it has steadily increased and she has been taking 300mg a day for the past 6 months. But, she can only do that for 1 week and then she gets 3 weeks clean time and throws it all away every month. Uses Vicodin during the off periods to keep from exploding.


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## DonMakaveli

Just got my Adderall script earlier today n already im comin off 130mg of it -_- fucking horrible. Im learning this is a terrible drug to abuse over time, nasty. I can hear it laughin in my face. Idk how to use it theraputically......when i love usin it recreationally :/ I need to stop it.


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## PookiePioneer

DonMakaveli said:


> Just got my Adderall script earlier today n already im comin off 130mg of it -_- fucking horrible. Im learning this is a terrible drug to abuse over time, nasty. I can hear it laughin in my face. Idk how to use it theraputically......when i love usin it recreationally :/ I need to stop it.


You get used to the comedowns after a while, used to abuse Adderalls like candy...now just pure ice.


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## Captain.Heroin

DonMakaveli said:


> Just got my Adderall script earlier today n already im comin off 130mg of it -_- fucking horrible. Im learning this is a terrible drug to abuse over time, nasty. I can hear it laughin in my face. Idk how to use it theraputically......when i love usin it recreationally :/ I need to stop it.



All stimulants can be like this, and hence they are best left alone.


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## Eric B

I recently posted in this thread about my mate who was sliding the slippery shard slope. So last week I lent him $50. He promised to pay me back later that night. Haven't heard from him since. I really want to be the better man and show him my support but this is really getting too much. I know it's not a lot of money but I really needed that money and told him so. It really shits me how he'll shake my hand and talk all about loyalty and then pull some shit like that. He's cutting off all his decent friends but treats his junkie mates like fucking royalty. I've tried to get in contact with him all week and he still isn't returning my calls. If he was just upfront about it and said he didn't have the money I wouldn't be so mad but I just feel used. After driving him around, getting him food to make sure he's at least eating and calling up to check if he's alright he treats me like a sack of shit. 

Logically I know it's probably just the fact he's on drugs is the reason he's like this but I'm honestly questioning whether he just always has seen me as some sort of resource that is useful to him. I'm not sure what to do but a part of me is thinking to just sever this friendship. This probably sounds bad but I really want to know if he at least feels bad for doing this. I know you're meant to help your mates when their on the ground but I'm over being treated like a doormat that he can just step on all the time. I'm going to keep trying to get in contact with him (have to put the phone on private because he doesn't return calls from my number) to at least see what the go is. He's turning into such a dog cunt.


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## iliketoast

I had almost three weeks clean. Things were coming together- I was catching up with school, even making progress cleaning my room! Then I got a larger amount than I ever have - why??

Trying not to get down on myself. I think this round has definitely made me understand how LAME this shit can get - high expectations, still plenty of tolerance, while also trying to use less in each session - not an ideal combination for fun. I also had a few emotionally draining interactions that under sober conditions i know I can handle.

I dont know what im doing. I always use alone. I am almost always alone anyway. Im making sure to eat, drink water, and not do the "just one more hit..." thing too frequently....but shit. I was feeling something close to contentment and I threw it away for a vapor cloud and a chewed up tongue.


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## Eric B

Don't get too down about it iliketoast. Just the fact that you're aware that this shit is terrible is a great sign. Even though you got back on that doesn't take away the 3 weeks clean you had. Work towards beating that 3 weeks. Stay strong!


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## Vaya

iliketoast said:


> I had almost three weeks clean. Things were coming together- I was catching up with school, even making progress cleaning my room! Then I got a larger amount than I ever have - why??
> 
> Trying not to get down on myself. I think this round has definitely made me understand how LAME this shit can get - high expectations, still plenty of tolerance, while also trying to use less in each session - not an ideal combination for fun. I also had a few emotionally draining interactions that under sober conditions i know I can handle.
> 
> I dont know what im doing. I always use alone. I am almost always alone anyway. Im making sure to eat, drink water, and not do the "just one more hit..." thing too frequently....but shit. I was feeling something close to contentment and I threw it away for a vapor cloud and a chewed up tongue.



*iliketoast*, I agree with another poster that the very fact that you're cognizant of the terrible (and, oftentimes, the frustratingly futille) effect(s) that using has on your life indicates that you're most definitely not beyond redemption.

Allowing yourself to get caught up in the trap of beating yourself over the head due to a relapse is one I've found myself caught in many times over the course of my life. The script seems to always be the same, doesn't it? Negative self-depiction, rumination over the fleeting sucessful feelings that sobriety brought with it, and rightfully wondering, "Do I have it in me to get there again?"

You _do_, and you _CAN_!
My suggestion is to simply stick around these forums and allow yourself to absorb from those around you every bit of empathy you find coming your way. It is through each other that we discover within ourselves the capacity to rebound from relapse, turning chaos into solidarity.

I have faith in you.

~ Vaya


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## Captain.Heroin

iliketoast said:


> I had almost three weeks clean. Things were coming together- I was catching up with school, even making progress cleaning my room! Then I got a larger amount than I ever have - why??
> 
> Trying not to get down on myself. I think this round has definitely made me understand how LAME this shit can get - high expectations, still plenty of tolerance, while also trying to use less in each session - not an ideal combination for fun. I also had a few emotionally draining interactions that under sober conditions i know I can handle.
> 
> I dont know what im doing. I always use alone. I am almost always alone anyway. Im making sure to eat, drink water, and not do the "just one more hit..." thing too frequently....but shit. I was feeling something close to contentment and I threw it away for a vapor cloud and a chewed up tongue.



^ trust me, whatever amount you got, it's just a small hurdle.  You can return to being clean just as quickly as it took you to relapse.  

And don't feel ashamed or bad at all, just realize life is a constant learning experience.


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## GoronusMaximus

@iliketoast

Read my last post, I had just one slip with one addy pill last week and I've been able to abstain since then.  In my personal opinion, keeping track of "clean time" is a double edged sword.  It's great for motivation to stay clean but once you break it even once you feel as if you're starting over again, so why not just jump right back into the cycle, right?  Somebody made a post earlier in this thread about keeping track of TOTAL clean time, even with small relapses.  So if you're three weeks in and you slip for a week or so and kick again, you'll be at 4 weeks clean in another week.

I'm struggling real bad right now myself.  I mentioned before my poppy tea habit and not using enough for W/D...boy I was wrong.  It's making me want to get back on the adderall.  I've been dope sick a couple of times before and doing it with adderall made it almost...amusing?  I've actually been able to sleep through most of it so far but when I wake up, I want to die.   The feelings of hopelessness I was getting in my final days on amphetamine are back in full swing and it's really starting to eat at me.  I was 4 days clean from that tonight and I took a smaller dosage just to get me through the next couple of days.  The funny thing was that I was so unmotivated that even the thought of scoring was extremely taxing.  The physical symptoms aren't even that bad but the depression, my god....I'm really starting to feel like I don't want to do this whole living thing anymore.  I can't believe I've let this become my life after growing up seeing what drugs have done to my father (mostly heroin).  I so desperately want to go back to being 20 again before I really started drinking just so I can be free.  I FUCKING HATE drugs.  I'd do anything to get a second chance with them.  Hopefully I make it through this soon and I can go back to living normal.


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## Eric B

GoronusMaximus I'm really sad to hear of your recent troubles but please stay strong! You might not be able to go back to being 20 but you can have a second chance now by avoiding the drugs! I think it was good you were unmotivated in even scoring again because is reinforcing what a terrible lifestyle it is just relying on drugs. Think of how much better it is compared to being excited about scoring. It seems to be you're at a stage that _you really do want to give this shit up and are ready to._ Over time you will slowly start feeling 'normal' and things won't seem so dull but just hang in here. Take care.


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## dillpickles

yes the comedowns are nasty...i never found them to go away; they jst get worse and psychosis becomes the norm.

That said I have never been able to find something to replace the amp rush.  

I drink all day to stay numb but it is not my first choice at all...just to get by

One alternative could be ritalin which is boring in comparison but potentially usefull if your priority is to avoid amphetamines and you are concerned about caving


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## GoronusMaximus

Eric B said:


> GoronusMaximus I'm really sad to hear of your recent troubles but please stay strong! You might not be able to go back to being 20 but you can have a second chance now by avoiding the drugs! I think it was good you were unmotivated in even scoring again because is reinforcing what a terrible lifestyle it is just relying on drugs. Think of how much better it is compared to being excited about scoring. It seems to be you're at a stage that _you really do want to give this shit up and are ready to._ Over time you will slowly start feeling 'normal' and things won't seem so dull but just hang in here. Take care.



Thank you for the encouragement.  I know what I have to do and I know that it will get better but in the cycle of addiction, there is a disconnect from these thoughts and our actual actions.  I've done plenty of research to understand the brain mechanisms behind this and it makes it all that much more terrifying.

I'm feeling mostly "ok" right now but that's because of my poppy tea dosage earlier in the day.  I initially picked this habit up as a way to deal with amphetamine withdrawals and generally have never mixed the two drugs together.  I've gotten a couple of lovely highs off of it but it's mostly never given me that effect.  I suppose it's mostly been a thing to make me feel better and to smile a bit.  I've done amphetamine withdrawal enough times to be well educated on what to expect but being dope sick is an entirely different monster.  At this point, I'm primarily using just to avoid it with hope that I can taper down to a more manageable withdrawal.  As I stated before, I've made it through while using amphetamines to an extent where the effects were the same but my perception of them was far less severe.  

I've really just become upset with how all of this has ended up.  I started using amphetamines because I thought they would improve my life (as treatment for symptoms of ADHD) but my addictive personality made it impossible for me to use them responsibly once the "magic" wore off and their initial positive effects turned into very negative ones.  This led me into an entirely new culture of drug abuse.  I've been an alcoholic since I was 20 (but have stopped drinking a little while back) but my experiences with drugs before amphetamines were rather limited.  I've desperately been searching for something to replace them now, to find a little more luster and excitement in life again.  One thing is for certain, if I do not get off of this train and recover soon, the repercussions will be severe and permanent.  My wife has no idea about my opiate habit (nor does anyone else) but I did do my best to let her know of my problems with amphetamine.  During the down phases of not using, I really hate the person that I have become.  This time last year, I'd found out that I was going to be a father and everything about my future was so exciting.  A lot of the time now, I don't even feel like I have a future.  I know where I have to go but I feel like I'm missing some type of key element to make my recovery more attainable.  I've been considering going back to a doctor to see if going on a new (one that can't be abused) medication like an anti-depressant could be helpful.  Sometimes too, I feel like I really just need to "man up" and fight a little bit harder.  My inability to weigh short-term rewards against long-term ones is part of the problem that got me here in the first place though.

I apologize for all of the rambling that comes across as "whining" but I've found these forums as a good place to get some stuff off my chest and to be free of judgement.  Despite my depression muddled and despair filled writings, I do feel like I am making progress and am just engaging in the process to get cleaned up again.  I am very thankful for the encouragement that I have received and wanted to let those of you who have taken the time to read and reply to me that I deeply appreciate it.


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## Eric B

GoronusMaximus how long have you been using meth for? I'm 22 and have tried quite a few drugs but draw the line at meth. It just seems to be such a popular drug here in Sydney (at least with a lot of the people I associate) and the fact you can just keep going and going combined with my addictive personality it would be a _terrible_ combination.  

[NOTE: Mods if any of the following questions are regarded as triggering content please remove - I don't mean to cause trouble, am just curious]

Also what is the comedown like? I've has _shit_ comedowns after a bender of e pills, ritalin, cocaine, alcohol where I just felt zombied out like crazy for a good few days after. No appetite or interest in anything. I understand that serotonin decreases from using amp's, hence the saying "what goes up must come down" but it seems that meth depletes these severely which is why the high is so good. What do you think it is about meth withdrawal that makes it particularly bad? 

One thing that's struck me about meth users is that they come from _all_walks of life. I suppose you could say that about any drug but here in Sydney it seems to be so prevalent across all boards. I could be very wrong about this but I've got the impression that in the United States it is more popular in the rural areas/outer cities because crack is more popular inner city? Is this incorrect? 

Sorry for all the questions. Usually I'm pretty happy to play the guinea pig and get a first hand experience but I don't know, meth just seems to good.


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## tripnotyzm

Coming down from something like mdma, I usually feel back to my normal self within 24-30 hours (give or take)..
But meth on the other hand has made me suffer for many days after.. I'm never actually sure when the shit would completely wear off.
For me the worst of it is the psychological effects. 
I will completely lose touch with everybody, everything, my self and my abilities.. All I'd feel is deep anxiety.. I'd get pretty nervous & avoid heaps of people throughout this time.
I also tend to look physically ill for a week, and it kills my immune system every time.


----------



## iliketoast

GM - thanks for giving me a new angle...I had a huge problem with alcohol right around 20 - and then I was completely sober for a year.

It's been barely a week and I went through what I got and want more. "I wasn't ready to be done!"
I don't know. Maybe I'll just have to be ready.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail at least one, if not both, of my classes. I'm not even brave enough to go to the school and talk to an advisor right now. I have this thought in my head that if I just get "a little more" I can kick out all the work I've put off in a night or two and be done. But of course, Id probably get so high I couldn't do anything but lay down and stare at the inside of my head. 

Coming off of meth sucks booty. TIRED. Extremely self-conscious and low in confidence, especially when interacting with other people. I get mad sugar cravings, which lead me to stacks of cookies and croissants, and eating all that just makes everything worse. There's an overall dullness and emptiness, but like tripnotyzm said - *deep anxiety*. It runs through everything. I remember the first time I tried this shit, I said "Everything is so SHINY." Well. Now things don't get shiny, high or not.

I never like to generalize about anything, drug use included...I'm from an upper middle class family, dad's a doctor, went to church and private schools growing up...although how many terrible tales have you heard about a kid from that kind of upbringing suddenly unleashed into the world? Blech.

I have to go to work and pretend to be happy now.


----------



## GoronusMaximus

Eric B said:


> GoronusMaximus how long have you been using meth for? I'm 22 and have tried quite a few drugs but draw the line at meth. It just seems to be such a popular drug here in Sydney (at least with a lot of the people I associate) and the fact you can just keep going and going combined with my addictive personality it would be a _terrible_ combination.
> 
> [NOTE: Mods if any of the following questions are regarded as triggering content please remove - I don't mean to cause trouble, am just curious]
> 
> Also what is the comedown like? I've has _shit_ comedowns after a bender of e pills, ritalin, cocaine, alcohol where I just felt zombied out like crazy for a good few days after. No appetite or interest in anything. I understand that serotonin decreases from using amp's, hence the saying "what goes up must come down" but it seems that meth depletes these severely which is why the high is so good. What do you think it is about meth withdrawal that makes it particularly bad?
> 
> One thing that's struck me about meth users is that they come from _all_walks of life. I suppose you could say that about any drug but here in Sydney it seems to be so prevalent across all boards. I could be very wrong about this but I've got the impression that in the United States it is more popular in the rural areas/outer cities because crack is more popular inner city? Is this incorrect?
> 
> Sorry for all the questions. Usually I'm pretty happy to play the guinea pig and get a first hand experience but I don't know, meth just seems to good.



I've never actually used methamphetamine before.  My addiction is/was to prescription amphetamines (mostly Adderall).  While the brain action is somewhat different (adderall/dextroamphetamine releasing/blocking uptake of more norepinephrine and methamphetamine releasing/blocking uptake of more serotonin) my understanding is that the end result is quite similar.  My initial withdrawal and my struggle with PAWS is mostly due to the length of my usage (1 year, though with a lot of breaks) and also from rebound symptoms of what I was initially prescribed amphetamine for treatment.  The withdrawal is just...boredom, anxiety, feeling alone, unmotivated, and having no energy.  It makes it very difficult to have any appreciation for things in your life such as in relationships, hobbies, etc.  One of the worst parts for me has been the up and down cycle as my brain is continuing to adjust.  One day I'll feel like superman and in love with everything and a couple of days later I'll feel broken, socially withdrawn, and extremely exhausted.  There's also the consideration of personality changes that resulted from prior usage.  I'm fully confident I can recover from my usage but I will never be able to forget those days of paranoia, anxiety, and hopeless despair/depression.  As bad as withdrawal/PAWS has been, my emotional state of mind during the end of my last run was far far worse.  Keep in mind that this is also heavily affected by dosage, length of usage, dependence, etc.  When I first started abusing amphetamine (even after heroic dosages), the come downs were mostly non existent (concerning negative effects anyway) but withdrawal would still be present after a week or so of mild-heavy abuse.

As far as methamphetamine in the United States, it really depends on what area of the country you're talking about.  Out West and in some Southern states, it'll be prevalent in both rural areas and urban areas.  Where I'm from (the general Philadelphia area), it's not easy to get.  The police do break up meth rings out of Northeast Philadelphia from time to time but my understanding is that the meth in this area is generally of high purity and comes from labs in Mexico.  They do have a problem with meth cooks in the northern part of the state (which is rural).  In more meth infested areas, you'll get a lot more product that was cooked/synthed by local chemists/cooks (but still some stuff from Mexico).

Crack isn't as popular of a drug here as an outsider may think.  In the 80's and 90's, it swept across the US and destroyed a lot of cities with huge crime epidemics.  The only crack cocaine users I see around here are generally people that were pretty poor/destitute to begin with.  Heroin is making a strong come back in this area and prescription pain medication (opiates) is becoming a prime drug market as well.  When it comes to stims, most people I know still stick with regular cocaine.  If I were in the mind to score, coke would be the only easy stim to come upon.  I know a lot more regular dope users than I do stimulant users though.

(I apologize if I drifted off too far off topic in an effort to answer Eric's questions.  Please edit my post if needed and I will PM him.)



iliketoast said:


> GM - thanks for giving me a new angle...I had a huge problem with alcohol right around 20 - and then I was completely sober for a year.
> 
> It's been barely a week and I went through what I got and want more. "I wasn't ready to be done!"
> I don't know. Maybe I'll just have to be ready.
> 
> I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail at least one, if not both, of my classes. I'm not even brave enough to go to the school and talk to an advisor right now. I have this thought in my head that if I just get "a little more" I can kick out all the work I've put off in a night or two and be done. But of course, Id probably get so high I couldn't do anything but lay down and stare at the inside of my head.
> 
> Coming off of meth sucks booty. TIRED. Extremely self-conscious and low in confidence, especially when interacting with other people. I get mad sugar cravings, which lead me to stacks of cookies and croissants, and eating all that just makes everything worse. There's an overall dullness and emptiness, but like tripnotyzm said - *deep anxiety*. It runs through everything. I remember the first time I tried this shit, I said "Everything is so SHINY." Well. Now things don't get shiny, high or not.
> 
> I never like to generalize about anything, drug use included...I'm from an upper middle class family, dad's a doctor, went to church and private schools growing up...although how many terrible tales have you heard about a kid from that kind of upbringing suddenly unleashed into the world? Blech.
> 
> I have to go to work and pretend to be happy now.



Reading all of this almost made me feel like I was reading about my own life.  That's pretty incredible.

I've made up my mind to drop out of school for the time being.  I have too much at stake getting my life back together with that huge burden on my shoulders as well.  It may be for good, it may not be; but I know for sure that I have to rethink a lot of my plans and get back to a more stable place before I take on more serious things like earning a college degree in a science like chemistry or engineering.  It's funny how the things that drive us to use amphetamine end up being the things that amphetamine use drives away, isn't it?

Hang in there brother!  With enough support, hard work and personal reflection; you and I can make it through these dark times and come out as better people than where we started before this mess.


----------



## Tiesto

I haven't read most of the posts in this thread.  But I'm glad I'm off meth.  Seriously.  Shit fucks things up.  Big time.  That shit really gets a hold on you..Even after days in a psych ward at the hospital I still didn't stop.  But now..I've been clean for a while.  And I don't miss it.  Every friend I have that has touched it says the same thing "stay away, the shit is bad."  Not one of my friends that touched it didn't have a problem with it.

Mind you I used for 4 years recreationally before I had a problem with it.  So really, that shit will get you.  It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow.  But in time, it will get you.


----------



## tripnotyzm

Well said. 
& if it doesn't destroy your mentality, there's a solid chance of it damaging your physical health. 
The shit never tweaked me into checking into a psych ward, but at the height of my use, it caused severe pain and tension to my heart - for months after I cleaned up.
It only takes one nasty batch.


----------



## CauseIlikeIt

DonMakaveli said:


> Just got my Adderall script earlier today n already im comin off 130mg of it -_- fucking horrible. Im learning this is a terrible drug to abuse over time, nasty. I can hear it laughin in my face. Idk how to use it theraputically......when i love usin it recreationally :/ I need to stop it.



Come Downs wont hurt as bad if you take Multiple Vitamins and Drink Fluids


----------



## GoronusMaximus

tripnotyzm said:


> Well said.
> & if it doesn't destroy your mentality, there's a solid chance of it damaging your physical health.
> The shit never tweaked me into checking into a psych ward, but at the height of my use, it caused severe pain and tension to my heart - for months after I cleaned up.
> It only takes one nasty batch.



I remember obsessively checking my heart rate when I was hitting it pretty hard.  I had pain on the left side of my chest and sometimes shoulder.  I thought for sure that I was going to die from a heart attack at any time.  It was almost a welcoming thought during the worst periods.  I hope I didn't do any long lasting damage but I'm willing to live with it if that's the case.  I'm lucky to have a life at all.


----------



## trocious

I'm missing my amps! I got my script for vyvanse a couple weeks ago, abused the hell out of them and they were gone by the end of the week. I resolved I wanted to stop taking them anyways and be sober. But a week later (last Thursday/Friday) I took 70mg Vyvanse and felt great all day, got so much shit done, and generally felt like myself and strong and capable again. I miss that feeling so much. I know it's an illusion and isn't as great as my brain makes it seem to me, but I'm craving pretty bad and if i could get any type of speed at all, I would do it in a heartbeat. Meth, adderall, vyvanse, dexies, whatever, I just want to feel productive and happy and capable of great things again.

I'm going to a meeting at 7, but I don't know what to do until then. I was supposed to do some snow removal but my boss never called so that was disappointing. Just feeling like I'm capable of so much more in life but don't have the key to unlock my potential (which in my mind has always been amphetamines). How do I get over that delusion? Why does it seem like the only thing that makes life rewarding and fulfilling is amps


----------



## GoronusMaximus

trocious said:


> I'm missing my amps! I got my script for vyvanse a couple weeks ago, abused the hell out of them and they were gone by the end of the week. I resolved I wanted to stop taking them anyways and be sober. But a week later (last Thursday/Friday) I took 70mg Vyvanse and felt great all day, got so much shit done, and generally felt like myself and strong and capable again. I miss that feeling so much. I know it's an illusion and isn't as great as my brain makes it seem to me, but I'm craving pretty bad and if i could get any type of speed at all, I would do it in a heartbeat. Meth, adderall, vyvanse, dexies, whatever, I just want to feel productive and happy and capable of great things again.
> 
> I'm going to a meeting at 7, but I don't know what to do until then. I was supposed to do some snow removal but my boss never called so that was disappointing. Just feeling like I'm capable of so much more in life but don't have the key to unlock my potential (which in my mind has always been amphetamines). How do I get over that delusion? Why does it seem like the only thing that makes life rewarding and fulfilling is amps



Amps do great things...for awhile.  Trust me, it all goes down hill.

Perhaps your life is missing something?  Maybe your struggle with speed can be the motivation to find out what that really is.  I know how hard it can be; I'm in the process right now myself.  You'll never find it though if you don't search.  Do your best to lay off the amps because they'll just blow you further off course.

Good luck to you my friend!


----------



## Z3R0S

quit?


----------



## tripnotyzm

GoronusMaximus said:


> I remember obsessively checking my heart rate when I was hitting it pretty hard.  I had pain on the left side of my chest and sometimes shoulder.  I thought for sure that I was going to die from a heart attack at any time.  It was almost a welcoming thought during the worst periods.  I hope I didn't do any long lasting damage but I'm willing to live with it if that's the case.  I'm lucky to have a life at all.



Every single day I wonder what sort of long term damage I may have caused myself, and of course, I have stressed a lot about the risk of having a heart attack as a result.. its bad shit, makes me so nervous and anxious every time I think back to that unpleasant pain. 
So after you started experiencing similar problems, was it enough to make you quit??
I haven't touched it since. 
Sort of a massive wake up call.. I really needed a reason to quit, but I never meant to damage myself.
I'm thinking of getting a hospital check up, just to see if there are any noticeable problems with my ticker.


----------



## xxpurplehazexx

I need to wean off the Adderall/d-amp that I've been taking everyday for over three years. I haven't seriously abused my prescriptions, but I can tell they've been taking a toll on my body and mental state. I'm assuming the only way to stay functional is to taper because even though I've "only" been taking 20mg, I've been on amphetamines for so long. I was wondering what you guys think is a realistic way of tapering.


----------



## xxpurplehazexx

oldkaw said:


> A clear flag of someone who really has ADD verses the guy who goes to a doc bluffing for drugs is the real ADD kid often could care less if he has them or not. I had a standing offer from a doc to script them and took months to drag my ass in for an appointment. I use it as a tool, not a miracle drug. *If you stay within a normal therapeutic range, you build tolerance so fast you can hardly tell you've taken anything*. The utility of the med continues, however. Just don't bump up the dose. Self control is the biggest player in this dance.



I don't think I have legit ADD, but I've been taking the same dose of Adderall XR everyday for a very long time and I can still feel it. It's definitely not euphoric, though. I'd actually describe it as pretty damn unpleasant. I just need it to get anything done.


----------



## GoronusMaximus

tripnotyzm said:


> Every single day I wonder what sort of long term damage I may have caused myself, and of course, I have stressed a lot about the risk of having a heart attack as a result.. its bad shit, makes me so nervous and anxious every time I think back to that unpleasant pain.
> So after you started experiencing similar problems, was it enough to make you quit??
> I haven't touched it since.
> Sort of a massive wake up call.. I really needed a reason to quit, but I never meant to damage myself.
> I'm thinking of getting a hospital check up, just to see if there are any noticeable problems with my ticker.



As crazy as it sounds, the chest pains used to be something I enjoyed to an extent.  I first experienced them in the period where I still enjoyed taking amphetamines very much and it was something that I associated with a nice buzz.  While I'm sure my heart rate was far beyond a healthy range at many times, I think the chest pain may have been more a symptom of anxiety than organic damage.  It was more of a sharpness rather than the "heavy" and pressure like pain that can be caused by heart trouble.  As the anxiety levels increased, so did the pain and my mindfulness of it.  Since I've quit, I still deal with anxiety and occasional panic attacks and the pain can come back during those times.  Anxiety was something I very very rarely experienced before amps and I'm sure now I'd fit the criteria for having a disorder.  It's just something I have to live with I suppose as going in something like benzodiazepines is something I don't desire to introduce into my life on a regular basis.

I had another slip recently and it actually was fairly enjoyable again and made me feel pretty darn good.  It briefly got me to thinking about figuring out how to get another script behind everyone's back.  Somehow I managed to convince myself of the true path that it would lead me to and reaffirmed to myself that my life is far better without this stuff.  I still view myself as having quit amps several months ago and won't let the two slip ups destroy all the progress I have managed to make.


----------



## spork

^Good on you for not letting the slip ups lead you down the wrong path. You're doing a good job and I'm proud of you (you should be proud of yourself as well).


----------



## trocious

I feel like I totally fell for all the promises meth seduced me with. On some level I know it's not sustainable, you can't maintain shit and it all falls apart when you run out. But I love it. I can be okay for a few days or a week, but something usually just happens that fucks with my sense of serenity and acceptance and my mind obsesses about it, making me so irritable that no one wants to be around me, adding to the shame and guilt and desire to escape through using. I don't know, what a vicious cycle. Part of me loves the craziness but part of me wants a healthy, normal life where I can feel consistently content about who I am and where my life is at. 

Damn, down to my last quarter gram and I'm broke hope shit doesn't hit the fan in the next couple of days. Hell, maybe it already has and I'm in denial... fuck.


----------



## tamarinds

This may not belong here. But feel my pain.

Saying goodbye to 10 months of a-PVP. Sweet mother of God its going to be weird, yet relaxing.

The best part is I will attempt this, as I have before, while still having a good amount stashed. No flush.

 Oh Gods of willpower grant me strength.


----------



## tripnotyzm

I find that quitting is so much harder when a stash is prominent.. 
But, flushing is also something that can be hard to do.. 
Can you leave it with a trusted friend until you are clean enough to face the temptation? 
Which ever way you decide on, good luck to you. 


Ahhh.. I had some really uncomfortable using dreams again in my sleep 
It has been so long since I have quit.


----------



## tamarinds

I wont flush. What a waste.

And I wont give it to a freind. What kinda freind would I be? Ha

Im thinking that hardcore weight lifting and cycling will be enough. The weather is too nice to be sitting inside paranoid. Something Ive waited months for. Not gonna fuck up. Not gonna stress it.

Thanks for the encouragment


----------



## GoronusMaximus

I avoided posting about it the last few days because I was very embarrassed and didn't want to discourage anyone but I've (temporarily) jumped back on the boat...

My recent adderall experience I described in my last post was enough to convince me I could handle a little more.  A guy I work with has a cousin who sells a lot of pharmaceuticals.  I made one purchase of a bunch of MsContin 15 mg morphine pills as I've been dealing with an opiate problem that I developed a more serious problem with on my last full break from adderall to deal with the emotional pain of the withdrawal (which was far more extreme than my previous and temporary breaks).  I intended it to be a temporary solution but it got far enough that I started getting dope sick when I ceased opiate intake.  My main kick has been poppy seed tea (about 2-3lbs at a time).  I'd drink my tea usually late at night and I'd wake up still feeling pretty good throughout the next day even after the effects wore off.  I'd be more of my "old" self more or less the next day and because it's been awhile since I've been that person on a regular and consistent basis, the feeling would comes across as being a "europhoric" one.  The use of the tea would be more of a calming and content feeling than a "europhoric" one (I used to get incredible euphoria from opiates and would occasionally still get it from tea or oxycodone but not as often).  Anyways, I'd generally start feeling withdrawal symptoms on the 2nd day and get them more severely on the 3rd day.  The 2nd day would be a minor annoyance; feeling like I'd just gotten off of a long and hard day at work.  The 3rd day would start the more severe gastrointestinal problems along with a sore back and legs but still bearable on most days.  Day 4 is the one I could never conquer; my mind would be mostly blank, motivation non-existent along with depression and more severe leg and back cramps/restlessness (the leg ones would be the one I couldn't deal with) and instead of sticking to my taper plan I would reluctantly drive to the market (something that I wouldn't even want to do) and dose my normal intake.  I started to despise the routine of cutting open the bags and mixing the seeds with whatever liquid I chose for the night while it used to just be a part of the ritual.  This started me on the path of searching for easier methods of getting my "fix".  I started to actively seek out heroin (the very substance that destroyed my father's life and ruined his potential for achievement as a literal genius) and came very close to driving to North Philly or a closer spot in my own town to "cop" on the street despite having no experience.  I never found any dope nor got the guts to hit the street but I did buy the morphine pills (which were nearly useless despite me using my knowledge of chemistry to separate the active compound from the time release material) and actually put me into withdrawal even faster.

I had a lot of experience quitting amphetamines and while it was terrible experience, dope sickness was not something I had found the willpower to make it through.  My occupation as a line cook in a high volume restaurant was too unbearable during the worst of it.  Perhaps if I worked in a more laid back environment with less physical activity, it would be an easier one and I could just power through it.  As much as I've enjoyed and still enjoy the usage of opiates; I more strongly desired my complete freedom from substances of abuse and wanted/want to jump off that boat.  I finally found the freedom from alcohol after 6-7 years of near daily use despite the fact that a part of me still very much enjoyed it.  I now have no desire to drink to intoxication anymore and probably couldn't even force myself to at current.  My point is that I don't want to continue this life of slavery.

The same person who sold the morphine pills also had adderall.  I wanted to have a few days of fun with them and then utilize them to get through opiate withdrawal (they helped in the past with a more minor withdrawal).  When I went to buy them, they didn't have any but had some focalin pills instead.  I wasn't quite sure what they were but I bought them and soon found out they were basically a more potent version of Ritalin.  I railed about 45 milligrams the first night I had them and had a grand time and bought some more a few days later.  Since then, I've returned to the chest pains, elevated heart rate (I've measured it as high as 138bmp), and muscle cramps.  Mentally, I've alternated between slightly elevated euphoria to the old feelings of hopeless, meaningless despair.  One of the nights, I dreamt of my friends being killed or mutilated all night.

I've actually done a much better job of dosage control but have loaded up enough that most mornings (after 3-7 hours of Benadryl induced sleep) I've woken up still feeling it in my system but have tapered down enough that the past few days have been better.  I almost scored some opiates the other night to deal with the very negative feelings/comedown but I reminded myself that all of this suffering will have been in vain.  I'm at the end of day 4 of withdrawal but I've reluctantly been able to power through my work days and I think it will be over soon.  I'm off tomorrow and hope to abstain from anything and have a few days of focalin left.  I plan to taper down to a very low dosage by then with the hope of avoiding stim withdrawal or having a very minor experience that I can negate with some caffeine.  

Hopefully by the end of the upcoming week my system will be completely clear of everything for the first time in quite some time, the withdrawals will be gone/bearable, and I will be well on the road to recovery.  Most importantly, I will finally be free of this terrible nightmare that my life has become.  I can get my life back, I can go back to being a good husband and father whose overjoyed to watch his child grow up, and I can rediscover hope.  I have no idea how I got here and I've accepted the fact that I will forever be a drug addict but with the strength I will gain from these experiences; I can finally be free.


----------



## ugly

I have been clean for weeks. No... months. But I have become permanently altered. I can't sleep or eat. I took a drug test last week at home, because I can't sleep or eat, and I was concerned that my system had somehow stored meth.

Obviously I am totally clean. I knew that before I took the test. So now I don't know how to handle being permanently tweaked.


----------



## bluesfortheredsun

Hi everyone.

I've been clean off meth and other stuff for over 20 years.  I had surgery a couple weeks ago, and was given an Rx for Tylenol #3.  Which I understand is fairly weak shit.  But I found myself saving it, even though I don't feel pain anymore. It took me a couple of days to realize I was planning a relapse.  As soon as I recognized it, I mixed the pills with some old coffee ground and got rid of it. I'm a little rattled, since this was the first near-relapse I've had in a pretty long time.

Anyway, this is my first post on BL.  Thing is, with this much time clean, I don't have a lot of people in my life that would understand, or that it would be safe to even talk to about it.

I don't want to freak anyone out and give the impression that cravings and all that hang around for 20 years, because it's not like that.  But it still only takes a second to throw things out the window.  For those of you struggling right now, hang in there and fight your ass off.  

That's all I'm comfortable writing about right now.  I just needed some way to communicate what (almost) happened..


----------



## Nope2opes

Wow just read posts for like an hr, lol we are all so alike,man I can relate to everyone,wonder if my head will ever be the same?,keep fighting the good
Fight every one, we are only human, and this is hard. Just do the next right thing, no matter how much wrong has been done?peace skillets


----------



## EvrOpTmistic

Hi.  I'm new here and aplogize in advance for anything that is inappropriate in my post.

I'm a 32 year old alcoholic & drug addict.  My main DOC was heroin/pharmaceutical opiods but I dabbled with meth(tried it once and loved it at the time....till I crashed and wanted to die) and adderall as well.  On two occasions I bought a month's supply of the little blue footballs and on each occasion I used most of them within a day or two.

I've been an active member of AA for 5 years but I relapsed four months ago and a couple of days ago as well...i guess.  I was making ice cream and did a "whip-it" off of the dead whipped cream bottle.  I didn't even get buzzed but I guess it's gotta count as a relapse.

I live on Long Island and meth isn't around(or at least not available to me) like it was when I was in CA.  

About a week ago I started glorifying meth/amp's and I decided to order some Adderall.  Now I'm having a hard time struggling about whether or not to flush it when it arrives.

I had slacked off on my meeting frequency until four days ago and I've been making meetings every day since.  I told my sponsor about it but I'm still excited about the possible experience.

I've been readin BL forums for at least three years but recently decided to become a contributor.

Your stories about amp use are really pushing me toward flushing the pills when they arrive.  I go back and forth and I'm trying to find the strength to stay abstinant.  I would be lying if I said that doing that whip-it wasn't a contributing factor.  I think like "fuck it.  I already relapsed so who cares about a couple weeks of sober time.  I have to start from the ground up anyway" or something like that.

Thank you for sharing and supplying me with a long list of reasons why I shouldn't even bother.  But again, I'm still on the fence.

I apologize if anything I said triggered an urge to use but I think I stayed away from glorifying drug use.  Plus, my words prob. aren't as powerful as I think they are, esp. if you have some good sobriety under your belt.  My sponsor said, "a head full of AA and a stomach full or adderall is a bad combo".  Anyway, thanks agaion for sharing your experiences and they have helped me tremendously, even if I am still on the fence.

Thanks again.


----------



## sweaty

Its always frustrating to wake up out of a vivid drug dream. I have had 2 consecutive dextroamphetamine using dreams these past 2 nights. They can mess with me psychologically but at least they can't hurt me. With that said, I now have exactly 11 (eleven) months between now and my last use (actually a little more, but I go by the day I checked into rehab-I got documentation of drug tests that I've been off Dex for that long. And although I'm not a person who goes very much by 12 Step/Narcotics Anonymous's philosophy, I do consider the last time that I got high to be my last use and I did get wrecked on potent cannabis before checking in. Now I only have the rest of my life to stay away from amphetamines. I highly recommend the book Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey for anyone who wants to stay off any drug for good. Be safe and do no harm.
-sweaty


----------



## Hannahleighlauer

I'm currently struggling with an amphetamine addiction. I recently relapsed after having almost 6 weeks clean time from meth & I ended up relapsing this weekend. I have no idea what happened I mean, I finally started feeling somewhat hopeful and optimistic about life again, I don't know made me decide to go smoke to be honest...Amphetamines have been in control of me for quite a bit of my life. I started taking adderrall when I was 13 years old, and no, n


----------



## bluesfortheredsun

I think that's the scariest thing about relapse.  A lot of the time, a person isn't even thinking about- like craving and NEEDING IT. And yet they still go back.  It was like that for me for almost 10 years.  I just kept trying to quit, until eventually I was able to.  I think the chances of really stopping get better each time we try.  You can do it again!


----------



## tripnotyzm

Hannahleighlauer said:


> I'm currently struggling with an amphetamine addiction. I recently relapsed after having almost 6 weeks clean time from meth & I ended up relapsing this weekend. I have no idea what happened I mean, I finally started feeling somewhat hopeful and optimistic about life again, I don't know made me decide to go smoke to be honest...Amphetamines have been in control of me for quite a bit of my life. I started taking adderrall when I was 13 years old, and no, n



It happens, Hannah.. 
I still think you are on a roll.. 6 weeks clean is a great achievement.
You've just gotta be prepared to deal with the urges that will arise from time to time. 
Slipping up once, or twice, is manageable.. But it would be sad to hear if you ever fell back into the spiral.
Sending you my strength


----------



## Miss Berry

bluesfortheredsun said:


> Hi everyone.
> 
> I've been clean off meth and other stuff for over 20 years.  I had surgery a couple weeks ago, and was given an Rx for Tylenol #3.  Which I understand is fairly weak shit.  But I found myself saving it, even though I don't feel pain anymore. It took me a couple of days to realize I was planning a relapse.  As soon as I recognized it, I mixed the pills with some old coffee ground and got rid of it. I'm a little rattled, since this was the first near-relapse I've had in a pretty long time.
> 
> Anyway, this is my first post on BL.  Thing is, with this much time clean, I don't have a lot of people in my life that would understand, or that it would be safe to even talk to about it.
> 
> I don't want to freak anyone out and give the impression that cravings and all that hang around for 20 years, because it's not like that.  But it still only takes a second to throw things out the window.  For those of you struggling right now, hang in there and fight your ass off.
> 
> That's all I'm comfortable writing about right now.  I just needed some way to communicate what (almost) happened..



Reading your post actually brought me to tears. Sadly, _not_ because I am such an empathetic person that I cried in sympathy for your near-fall 8), but because of the sudden moment of cold realisation it brought upon me. Despite the extent to which my life has crumbled around me in the last 14 months, I've not genuinely considered this hole I've fallen into as anything but a temporary setback, (optimistically) believing that things will manage to work themselves out again, somehow, before it's too late. If I am going to beat this addiction and move forward into my life again though, it's not enough to only stop now - I can't let myself smoke ever again!

Yes that probably sounds obvious, but really it never occurred to me in that way before. I've been smoking on and off since I was 18 years old, and apart from an initial slightly too close, near-fall for meth's charms that first year, over the years since then, it was always something I could enjoy as an occasional 'treat', spending a few days while I was on holiday tweaking my head off and then not touching or thinking about it again for another 6 months. Now that the situation has meandered its way to the present moment however, a scene in which my relationship with meth has slipped so embarrassingly out of my control, I know that I will never be able to innocently revisit our holiday flirtations without falling again. Like a child, I can no longer be trusted to manage and behave myself without tough restrictions and rules in place, to keep me in line. It's a sad realisation!


----------



## tripnotyzm

So I started using speed 5 days ago to gain extra motivation for some art projects I have been working on.
Since then, I have been on amphetamines every day. 
Earlier this evening I was craving so hard that I caved in and purchased a bag of ice.. 
I don't really know how I'm feeling about this.
I was meth free for so long, I can't even keep track of how long it has been.
I'm generally a pretty stable person, so I'm confident that I won't let this progress in to another regular habit.


----------



## shimazu

Yeah so I think I might have taken a tad too much crystals last night.

I dont even remember being awake but I defintely did not get much sleep if anything substantial at all

I feel like such a biker right now, if only I had a Harley Davidson motocycle and severe anger problems I could try to join the Pagans and have access to it whenever I was getting a little tired or unable to swing a ball peen hammer towards someone's face for having a rival gangs jacket on and acting exactly how most bikers would when backed into a corner, swinging at your skull with the first object they can grab that won't kill you outright because its more about just sending a message than straight up murders a lot of times, although there's some brutal murders that occur as well.

Maybe meth isnt so cool after all


----------



## sweaty

I hope this post goes where I intended it. Browsing forum websites on a smartphone is tedious and frustrating-but not as bad as trying to find a pharmacy that can fill a Dexedrine script. I stopped by bluelight today just to let my fellow tweakers know that I have made it a full Earth-Year without any amphetamines or any other buzz/euphoria inducing agent. (I don't include legally prescribed psychiatric meds.) However, I could be taking Sertraline/Zoloft as well as Perphenazine (a potent cousin of Thorazine) and Trazodone but I've kicked those.  They were all unpleasant as far as causing a foggy, out-of-it state that makes physical exercise difficult, among other complaints/negative effects. Without mentioning what I do still take, I saved the tough one for last and I gotta ration a 3 month supply because I may never get another script for it again. I have really mixed feelings about this one, but that's for another thread...So, with that said, or typed, whatever, yes if you are going literally crazy over your amphetamine/speed/Adderall/Dexedrine habit and you feel awful on the drug as well as when you run out, I've been there and experienced it myself. I think I made a few suggestions in old posts about what helped make the whole Grieving Process of Dextroamphetamine withdrawl more tolerable, and others have covered it too. But I'll mention it again. First of all, don't even both with a taper process, finish your final stash and get it over with. Don't overdose but trying some sort of weaning with amphetamines isn't the way to quit (that' my subjective opinion, not fact). The sooner you take your final dose, the sooner you'll start to heal on a psychological/biochemical/physical level and get closer to feeling "normal". The amino acids like the ones found in various energy drinks/energy shots helped me at least a little (l-tyrosine, etc.), ginseng works for SOME people to give a much needed energy boost, and there are at least 3 subtypes of ginseng, each allegedly acting slightly differently, get some sort of calming agent/sedative such as a benzo or phenibut if possible(DON'T GIVE YOURSELF A NEW DRUG HABIT. TAKE DOWNERS SPARINGLY, IF AT ALL), in a pinch, both formulations of Dramamine cause drowsiness if you have poor sleep. Drink all the coffee you need. I hate the synthetic caffeine of no-doz pills and to this day I still rely on freeze dried mud. Take a lot of vitamins and eat, eat,eat. Even if it isn't very healthy-EAT! Pig out. And drink a lot of water.Nothing else. Avoid refined sugar-you're already crashing from one thing...Exercise. Do whatever you can without straining yourself. Get some over the counter pain meds to take as needed. I've read plenty of good things about fish oil and it probably prevented oxidative stress from my last 2 binges. As far as cannabis goes: everyone is different and weed may help relieve some detox symptoms, it may make you feel worse. Personally, I'd avoid it due to anxiety and feeling even more lethargic.I hate...and I mean HATE to promote Big Pharma psych meds but if you got the cash for a doctor or access to these drugs, bupropion (Wellbutrin) and/or a low dose of aripiprazole(Abilify) may cushion the fall and be beneficial. Especially if you have to do anything that requires your mental focus or physical exertion. Abilify is expensive as gold and generic bupropion is relatively cheap. If it won't get you in trouble, let people you come in regular contact with know that you will be very grumpy, irritable, and nasty and apologize in advance. I won't get into 12 Step Groups or lesser known effective alternatives in this post. That's it. Good luck. Be patient, you will begin to feel better, and try to distract your mind from the fact that you feel like shit with whatever entertains you. Now where the Hell is my useless, worthless medallion?


----------



## renolks

Alright I'm looking for advice as wheneve i go hospital they frown upon me and say its just the drugs , I know I have to go see a gp I will I just wanna see if anyone experiences the same. Chest pains feeling numb in feet an hands and back neck pains that
Mimic a heart attack but is probably anxiety. Today I mixed ativan (benzo)with meth to fall asleep and I fell asleep for 3 hours and now I'm sitting here with my heart beating so soft I can bearly feel it and someone's it will rush quickly then go back down and I keep getting a twitchy feeling in my left leg , really scaring me does anyone know what this may be ?!?!


----------



## renolks

Btw I'm 18 and been smoking t for a year and a half and every second day for the last 4 months. Before that was casual


----------



## noondog

Coming down off meth atm and it's horrid.
Been awake for 40hrs, muscles feel depleted, guts all torn up, can't eat can't sleep.
Ate some melatonin, 5-htp & a multivit so hopefully this helps a bit.

Have been getting bad anxiety this past year or so to the point where I'm talking to myself Tourette's style, the ice seems make this happen much much worse.

Never again (he says)


----------



## Just A Guy

sweaty said:


> I hope this post goes where I intended it. Browsing forum websites on a smartphone is tedious and frustrating-but not as bad as trying to find a pharmacy that can fill a Dexedrine script. I stopped by bluelight today just to let my fellow tweakers know that I have made it a full Earth-Year without any amphetamines or any other buzz/euphoria inducing agent. (I don't include legally prescribed psychiatric meds.) However, I could be taking Sertraline/Zoloft as well as Perphenazine (a potent cousin of Thorazine) and Trazodone but I've kicked those.  They were all unpleasant as far as causing a foggy, out-of-it state that makes physical exercise difficult, among other complaints/negative effects. Without mentioning what I do still take, I saved the tough one for last and I gotta ration a 3 month supply because I may never get another script for it again. I have really mixed feelings about this one, but that's for another thread...So, with that said, or typed, whatever, yes if you are going literally crazy over your amphetamine/speed/Adderall/Dexedrine habit and you feel awful on the drug as well as when you run out, I've been there and experienced it myself. I think I made a few suggestions in old posts about what helped make the whole Grieving Process of Dextroamphetamine withdrawl more tolerable, and others have covered it too. But I'll mention it again. First of all, don't even both with a taper process, finish your final stash and get it over with. Don't overdose but trying some sort of weaning with amphetamines isn't the way to quit (that' my subjective opinion, not fact). The sooner you take your final dose, the sooner you'll start to heal on a psychological/biochemical/physical level and get closer to feeling "normal". The amino acids like the ones found in various energy drinks/energy shots helped me at least a little (l-tyrosine, etc.), ginseng works for SOME people to give a much needed energy boost, and there are at least 3 subtypes of ginseng, each allegedly acting slightly differently, get some sort of calming agent/sedative such as a benzo or phenibut if possible(DON'T GIVE YOURSELF A NEW DRUG HABIT. TAKE DOWNERS SPARINGLY, IF AT ALL), in a pinch, both formulations of Dramamine cause drowsiness if you have poor sleep. Drink all the coffee you need. I hate the synthetic caffeine of no-doz pills and to this day I still rely on freeze dried mud. Take a lot of vitamins and eat, eat,eat. Even if it isn't very healthy-EAT! Pig out. And drink a lot of water.Nothing else. Avoid refined sugar-you're already crashing from one thing...Exercise. Do whatever you can without straining yourself. Get some over the counter pain meds to take as needed. I've read plenty of good things about fish oil and it probably prevented oxidative stress from my last 2 binges. As far as cannabis goes: everyone is different and weed may help relieve some detox symptoms, it may make you feel worse. Personally, I'd avoid it due to anxiety and feeling even more lethargic.I hate...and I mean HATE to promote Big Pharma psych meds but if you got the cash for a doctor or access to these drugs, bupropion (Wellbutrin) and/or a low dose of aripiprazole(Abilify) may cushion the fall and be beneficial. Especially if you have to do anything that requires your mental focus or physical exertion. Abilify is expensive as gold and generic bupropion is relatively cheap. If it won't get you in trouble, let people you come in regular contact with know that you will be very grumpy, irritable, and nasty and apologize in advance. I won't get into 12 Step Groups or lesser known effective alternatives in this post. That's it. Good luck. Be patient, you will begin to feel better, and try to distract your mind from the fact that you feel like shit with whatever entertains you. Now where the Hell is my useless, worthless medallion?



I ended my chemical romance w/ meth over ten years ago, and I really agree with what you've posted here!


----------



## iliketoast

sweaty, thanks for that post. and very impressive for doing it on a phone  



> First of all, don't even both with a taper process, finish your final stash and get it over with. Don't overdose but trying some sort of weaning with amphetamines isn't the way to quit (that' my subjective opinion, not fact). The sooner you take your final dose, the sooner you'll start to heal on a psychological/biochemical/physical level and get closer to feeling "normal".



^I especially needed to read this. I already knew it to be true, but my own bullshit was doing a great job of convincing me otherwise.



****

How is everyone else?


----------



## motiv311

i recently did a month of sobriety, man! it was HELL. . . I've been on amphetamines since i was 11. My dads 58 and addicted to adderall/vyvanse etc becausee i got him into it. he gets less sleep than me. So recently i found a way to aquire high quality 8 balls for 199 bux. 

          Since then I have been doing 100 percent better and 100 worse. I can hear god giving me all these bad omens if i keep going down this path. its the ROA , smoking shit here at 3 AM !!!! and worse ILL SLEEP TOO... thats who used to it i am. and its GOOD. 

   My plan is 3 weeks of sobriety, then the ayahuasca treatment center in LA county, then off to Peru to teach english with TESOL. I can chew coca leaves to combat my fatigue


----------



## motiv311

http://youtu.be/57BodPL083c


----------



## ilikestims

I was addicted to meth for ~8 months, from June 2010 to January 2011. 

Was totally clean (and went through a ton of bullshit, picking up the pieces of my life from just those six months of off-and-on use) from January 2011-December-2012.

Been using, on average, once a month the past 7 months. Most recently last week, after being meth-free for 8 weeks.

Obviously I've slowly but surely been relapsing, so earlier this week I've decided to buckle down again and be totally drug free (which, for me, includes giving up weed -- a battle I've been struggling with for a couple of years).

I am extremely determined and fully confident I am never going to use any drugs again. That's the only way I can do this: a 100% determined no-use policy. It can't be a quit for 3 months, or 6 months, or anything like that. 

I struggle with periodic depression. I oscillate between tremendously healthful periods (I practice yoga, consume veggie juice, spirulina, etc. daily) and awfully dystopic depression, when I binge on junk food and drugs. 

That cycle has been going on for the past four or five years, the healthful cycles gradually lengthening (thanks largely to yoga, which found me a year ago) and the depressive cycles shortening.

I have no illusions about how challenging this is and will continue to be. I am fully prepared to be vigilant. Every day I am writing down my emotions and thoughts, and propping myself up with mantras. Meditation, yoga, sleep, and support from friends. 

Life is all about perseverance and discipline. I am drug free!


----------



## Just A Guy

ilikestims said:


> I was addicted to meth for ~8 months, from June 2010 to January 2011.
> 
> Was totally clean (and went through a ton of bullshit, picking up the pieces of my life from just those six months of off-and-on use) from January 2011-December-2012.
> 
> Been using, on average, once a month the past 7 months. Most recently last week, after being meth-free for 8 weeks.
> 
> Obviously I've slowly but surely been relapsing, so earlier this week I've decided to buckle down again and be totally drug free (which, for me, includes giving up weed -- a battle I've been struggling with for a couple of years).
> 
> I am extremely determined and fully confident I am never going to use any drugs again. That's the only way I can do this: a 100% determined no-use policy. It can't be a quit for 3 months, or 6 months, or anything like that.
> 
> I struggle with periodic depression. I oscillate between tremendously healthful periods (I practice yoga, consume veggie juice, spirulina, etc. daily) and awfully dystopic depression, when I binge on junk food and drugs.
> 
> That cycle has been going on for the past four or five years, the healthful cycles gradually lengthening (thanks largely to yoga, which found me a year ago) and the depressive cycles shortening.
> 
> I have no illusions about how challenging this is and will continue to be. I am fully prepared to be vigilant. Every day I am writing down my emotions and thoughts, and propping myself up with mantras. Meditation, yoga, sleep, and support from friends.
> 
> Life is all about perseverance and discipline. I am drug free!



Life is good, especially when it's kept on a nice even keel -- unlike when we're using radically pharmokinetic materials. I've been stims/psychs/alcohol free for 11 days. Keep it up!


----------



## YaoBeanMing7480

Please do not be a fool. I am addicted to meth and have been for almost two years. I used to be able to stop anytime but trust my you can't forever. I still pay my bills and my kids have everything they need and my life is horrible. I lost my job six months ago and have quickly depleted my six figure back up savings, not all on meth but might as well be. Not to mention I have lost all my friends and family not cause I harmed them I just isolated from the world. The damage done makes my head swim. Everyone knows what I do everyone. I went from weekend warrior to full blown addict shooting a 16th per day habit. That's close to *no prices* a week no bull. I want to quit so badly but I seem to find an excuse every time. Using makes me sick every time. I hate who it has made me become, my old job called me to come back once I get my commercial license back yep lost that to. All I have to do really is get clean take a retest and my six figure job comes back along with my life. I will lose my family wife kid and my chance at my old job back here in like two weeks if I can't do this. I have done it six months ago but only made it two weeks, I am alone surrounded by people, if I lose my family I fear I won't survive this. I went to college for microbiology, am an excellent pool player love science and math. I can now see the damage physically and mentally it makes me cry. Oh rehab sure but no medical insurance cause no job. I am not asking for help I will fight my way out of this hell hole it will not win. TO Those who thing meth is no big deal this was for you it's all true no bull here I shot smoked it ate it snorted it etc, I was up for eight days yes eight days, and I tried to commit suicide twice. This all in six months that's how fast it is UNDERSTAND this run from meth and it's victims it kills your mind and body from the inside out. I am an addict listen to me I thought I was strong I was for a bit but this bitch gets us all. Please no powder no pills. Any questions email me anything anytime to talk or what I am 33 years old my body is now 45 my mind I don't know now meth is an epidemic not a fad it's killing our kids to yea 14 year old girls spun out its sad. Hit me up yaoming1380@gmail.com I need the conversation with people who understand. For all you current addicts I am going to beat this so you all see you can do it. Help save America's youth now. Thanks.


----------



## motiv311

hey buddy! ^ i know what you mean. I was up for 8-11 days once... *Recently i relapsed a bit, and broke down and cried and cried thinking that my soul was gonna be in the HANDS OF LUCIFER for ever! now that sounds crazy, since i've been clean for 15 days, but at the time it didn't. I even went to church and confessed all my sins, and i've been still going. Just turned 27, starting to feel just a bit worn out. I DON"T HAVE KIDS THOUGH! You have to decide if anything in life is WORTH LIVING FOR. DO YOU LOVE YOUR KIDS? DO YOU FEEL GUILTY AND WANT YOUR BURDEN LIGHTENED? It won't be easy, first things first, little step by little step. WEen yourself down to a workable amount, Perhaps go see a doctor, tell him the honest truth, that you are willing to do whatever it takes. *(maybe he will RX you some Amphetamines and other stuff to make it workable) Tell him why you started and why you con't use. You cant just shut down I get that. But at least stop shooting and start the hard work back up hill, at 33 you will be able to reverse everything in about 8 months.


----------



## ilikestims

Day 17 here.

So far so good. No meth cravings. 

But I feel like anyone who quits (assuming you weren't absurdly addicted), the problem isn't the cravings, per se. It's dealing with life.

The emotions. Things bother me more than they should. Well out of proportion. A couple of times I've felt it seething inside of me. I know it's the meth. Just have to let it pass.

And I can't imagine how it is for others. I am a very healthful individual. In these 17 days I haven't had one unhealthful meal. That's 68 consecutive meals. Getting 8+ hours of sleep every night. Working out every day. 

And still I'm not the same. And that was only with sporadic use!

It takes a long, long time to go back to normal, no matter how little you use and no matter how healthy you are. 

I expect to feel relatively normal by Day 30. I expect to feel balanced, and really good with myself, by Day 90. 

I'm never looking back. Meth is permanently out of my life, this thread aside. I haven't said a word to the only friend I know associated with it. 

He texted me a couple of days ago: "We need to run really soon." He's always saying shit but never following through. I was (and did) going to run that evening; I invited him to join. His response: "I'm on shrooms; maybe if I come down by then." Of course I haven't heard from him since.

I empathize with him, but he has to figure it out for himself. Just like I'm figuring it out for myself.


----------



## Anabortedlama

I was addicted to adderall my junior of highschool, maybe not an addiction but used to when I said I "needed it" stayed up for 3 days smoked some weed and woke up in a stage of psychosis that ill never forget I know you guys can do whatever you put your minds to


----------



## perthguy75

When I quit two things were crticical:

1. I realised my will power sucks balls, don't know why. I come from a decent family (loving folks still together), finished an engineering degree but just have a weakness for chems specifically amphets. So I just completely removed all people from my life that do it. I mean brutal finality by the way as in gone never talk to again. I detoxed on holiday in a country where finding headache pills is difficult let alone meth. Then moved to another state to complete my degree to make sure that even if I got the urge, there was literally nobody from my new life that could supply me.

2. Stopped anything else addictive booze, cigarettes etc i knew after a few drinks anything "seems like a good idea" so simply I just abstained from any mind altering substance.

That was ten years ago, and I've not been back. It's drastic, it's uncomfortable and it turns your life upside down but it 100% works.

I wish anyone quitting every success. A mate that still was doing it from back then I heard on the grapevine recently died. How? Heart attack, from still smoking every day.

Quit today, waiting will kill you.


----------



## Just A Guy

perthguy75 said:


> When I quit two things were crticical:
> 
> 1. I realised my will power sucks balls, don't know why. I come from a decent family (loving folks still together), finished an engineering degree but just have a weakness for chems specifically amphets. So I just completely removed all people from my life that do it. I mean brutal finality by the way as in gone never talk to again. I detoxed on holiday in a country where finding headache pills is difficult let alone meth. Then moved to another state to complete my degree to make sure that even if I got the urge, there was literally nobody from my new life that could supply me.
> 
> 2. Stopped anything else addictive booze, cigarettes etc i knew after a few drinks anything "seems like a good idea" so simply I just abstained from any mind altering substance.
> 
> That was ten years ago, and I've not been back. It's drastic, it's uncomfortable and it turns your life upside down but it 100% works.
> 
> I wish anyone quitting every success. A mate that still was doing it from back then I heard on the grapevine recently died. How? Heart attack, from still smoking every day.
> 
> Quit today, waiting will kill you.



And that's how I did it ten years ago, minus moving to another country. Did move to a new state, though.

But you are right, cutting out people in your life that use was the only way I was able to do it.

Even NA sucks, 'coz you are associating in person with addicts, who probably, just like yourself, want to use. (I mean, come on. If we didn't *want* to use, because we're either psychologically or physically dependent, then we wouldn't be on Bluelight, eh?


----------



## adrian310

Alright brothers and sisters. Heres an issue.
Lets jus put it like this. A
male weighing 175and
is 21 yrs old first evrr tried meth when he was
18 and after that he wasnt a moderate user only
since then he would only snort under half a
gram a meth on ocassiond that would happen
every 4 months when he wanted to have good
sex..w.e. So recently this time on aug 10 he had
.5 of meth consumed... Then his inital intention
was to stop and heal... Then a buddy 
treating for his bday so on aug 13 another half
gram was snorted by this individual and
smoked weed threw out this process everything
appeared normal untill days have passed .and
he was woundering wtf is going on because he
still felt very weak and some sort of brain fog
lingered after 13 days and still wakes up not
sharp and lack of energy. First time continueing
like that binge ithink its called. Just want my
sobriety back and to function normal and to
never touch this stuff again he has a daughter
he has to be there for and support single
Parent.Pls help will this go away or im i stuck
like this and am going to have to man up and
face the consequences fore life? Help apperciated


----------



## Just A Guy

adrian310 said:


> Alright brothers and sisters. Heres an issue.
> Lets jus put it like this. A
> male weighing 175and
> is 21 yrs old first evrr tried meth when he was
> 18 and after that he wasnt a moderate user only
> since then he would only snort under half a
> gram a meth on ocassiond that would happen
> every 4 months when he wanted to have good
> sex..w.e. So recently this time on aug 10 he had
> .5 of meth consumed... Then his inital intention
> was to stop and heal... Then a buddy
> treating for his bday so on aug 13 another half
> gram was snorted by this individual and
> smoked weed threw out this process everything
> appeared normal untill days have passed .and
> he was woundering wtf is going on because he
> still felt very weak and some sort of brain fog
> lingered after 13 days and still wakes up not
> sharp and lack of energy. First time continueing
> like that binge ithink its called. Just want my
> sobriety back and to function normal and to
> never touch this stuff again he has a daughter
> he has to be there for and support single
> Parent.Pls help will this go away or im i stuck
> like this and am going to have to man up and
> face the consequences fore life? Help apperciated



It will go away.

You may crave doing it again once this initial fear goes away. That's the addiction working its evil spell. Don't give in.

You don't give in, you stay away, you get back to normal.

You give in, you strengthen the cycle of addiction and make it even harder the next time you resolve to quit. Quit now.

You are going to be fine. Also: you are awesome. Awesome for caring about the consequences, especially where your daughter is concerned. Good luck!


----------



## adrian310

Thanks brother lll take the advice and stop! I just want to have an idea why you think itll go away .have you experienced this? Much respect


----------



## Just A Guy

Oh yeah! I was an addict for several years in the beginning of the millenium, putting that particular chemical in my body every which way you can imagine. I distanced myself from other users, burnt my bridges, moved, and got back to having a real relationship, became a Dad, and here I am eleven years later. (I still used psychedelics like mushrooms, marijuana, and, of late, research chems--but am on a new road to cutting everything out again, after realizing I can't moderate).

Right on, bro!

Keep in touch as you like, bro!

Haven't TOUCHED or even seen methamphetamine since I quit, too.


----------



## tripnotyzm

It will go away, Adrian. 
But you need to respect your body until things are better.
Meth can have harsh affects on some individuals. 
And your experiences with this product can hugely vary each time you use.
I remember having about 100 good experiences and then one really nasty experience, which caused me physical pain for months on end. 
I have not touched meth since then (about a year ago) and my life is fine now.
Just make sure you do the responsible thing and keep off the gear.
You are already getting warning signs from meth, your life is not worth the risk.


----------



## bluesfortheredsun

Hey all.  I just want to check in-I don't come here or post very often.  Anyway, on August 8 I celebrated 21 years clean- off of everything.  That's what it took for me: weed, alcohol, and of course meth. I don't even take over the counter cold medication.  Although I do drink a lot of coffee.  I also owe a lot of getting clean to NA, but I was with a lot of good people back then who were there for me- I understand that it's not always the same.

It's really good to see people with 10+ years posting in here too.  

Anyway- when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.  Quitting meth ain't easy, and staying quit can be a bitch.  but seriously- when you get to the other side, it's totally worth it.  Hang in there, and you'll see!


----------



## adrian310

Day 16 still not 100 percent myself. Im seeing a therapist right now dont know wether if i should tell him about my drug consumption. Im giving my daughter back to her mom untill i figure out whats going to happen to me.also because i feel im not doing a good job as a dad. 
I have low energy, my thinking is cloudy and im worried sick reading for an answer. 
Do you guys think the dealer could have altered the substance with something else to mess me up for good?


----------



## Just A Guy

I've had my shares of psychosis from the stuff... Sounds like you could be going through the tail end of one. Eat a big meal, get some serious rest. Read a book.

If you're talking with a therapist, and you like the person, let 'em know what you're worried about. Some of them are helpful. Some are shitbags. We're just users and ex-users here on bluelight.

And sure, your dealer could have put anything in with it. Happens all the time. Fuck, some of 'em let their cum dry on plastic wrap and mix it in with the crystal. Nasty fucking shit.

(That ought to help you stay away.)  No, seriously, though. Stop worrying about it and get back to life. Work, eat, sleep, get into a routine. Exercise. Watch a comedy. Have some fun. Pick up a hobby. Go fishing. It's nice this time of year in the northern hemisphere.


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## adrian310

Thanks just a guy. Days are passing  and reality is just not the same. Im not hearing voices or seeing stuff so i guess thats good . Does anyone know how the you brain works in stages after being fried ? From experience


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## Just A Guy

Sounds like you are going through that "Numb" and "Indifferent" stage.

Sometimes after pingin' your brain really hard w/ dope you'll experience "negative feedback." Kind of like if someone's paddling your ass, it hurts at first but after a while it'll go numb. That's how your joie-de-vivre is taking it. On dope, it's like your "joy of life" is getting a high-voltage boost. But what goes up must come down.

Just sharing this because it's important to know that it's temporary. It really is.

And I'm trying to get you to feel that smallest piece of some hope, because when you do, you can already rest assured that you are recovering. Because hopelessness is part of the withdrawal symptoms. And when you get past full-on hopelessness, you're on a good track back to smiles and sunshine. (Speaking of which, you better get as much of that as you can. Hell get a tan. Sunlight's good for recovery!)

The worst thing you could ever do is use again, because, again, it's like smackin' that ass while it's already red, sore, and bruised.

Peace

I invite you to join our monthly thread in Sober Living; August is just about over, but here it is: http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/685534-August-getting-staying-sober-v-you-can-do-it!

Chime in and unload.


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## adrian310

Thanks just a guy your a good man god bless you. I apperciate everything man i realley do. Itold my mom the other day what idid and whats wrong with me and she wasnt shocked or anything but she said shes geting tired of me just restingand being depressed snd now is trying to have me go to the mental hospital untill i get beter ... Irealley dont want to because i could imagine i might go crazier in there but do you think i should take it in consideration and go or leave and go to a motel and try to continue my recovery. Ijust feel bad for my daughter that she might nevrr have her dad back


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## Just A Guy

Thanks, man. We all hope that when we suffer, we suffer so somebody else doesn't have to. Just paying it forward. You'll do the same one day.

As far as what I think about going to a mental hospital: I really don't know you well enough to give you a responsible answer. But, the brave thing to do is just take your mom's advice. Believe it or not, people who don't understand chems usually show no mercy or understanding. Nothing to get mad about. It's just the way it is. But, you'll join the ranks of many brave people who "grin and bear it" because it's worth it. Just part of what comes with it. And later on in life, you'll find that everyone will respect you for it, instead of the opposite.

Again, you're awesome for doing what's right for yourself, your kid, etc, even though it's the hard way. Always remember that. We're all victims of our own choices, but damn it, we're going to face this shit and end up on top.

And the weirdest part of it all... Ten years down the line (like me) you'll tell yourself how lucky you are to have made it, when you hear about other people going through it. And it'll even seem like it was easy. Seriously. You might even start calling it the "good old days." Nature of man. lol

Peace, brother.

So, on that note, I'd just take her advice and move on with it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? This is one case where that actually makes sense.

Thanks for letting me help. I needed to be of service.

And... damn, I didn't have a kid while going through this, so I don't have any experience to help give a good answer on whether or not this will affect your custody. It's a tough decision. Bring that fear up with your therapist. ASAP. That's important, and will probably focus your resolve to beat it. And talk out that fear with your mom. She may not give you an answer you like. In fact she might piss you off with her answer. It happens. Like I said, people who haven't been there can be pretty hasty and pretty insensitive. Keep your cool. Sometimes you feel like a beggar asking for change, and your hopeful-donor says "get a job." It's frustrating, because you're in a tough spot. Keep your back straight. NEVER lose your self-respect, and come out stronger than you did going in.

I'll pray for you, man. I'm a pretty religious guy, so that's not just a bunch of words. Good luck and God bless you.


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## motiv311

wow i fucked up again. . . chipping . but it CAN be somewhat fun at first. ALthough everyone thinks you're weird and talk to much etc.


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## tripnotyzm

Fuck ups happen, motiv.
Accept what has happened, put it behind you and built mental reinforcements to try prevent this from consuming you.


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## ilikestims

Day 38 in the books

Had a brief (couple seconds), strong urge to use (I was in a setting where I've used before, and have been struggling with mood/fatigue recently)

But it was never a serious consideration

If I stay consistent, life can only get better


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## adrian310

Okay day 32 im.clean still and no urge to use what so ever. But my mental function of reality is still not the same.im alot less worried but still sometimes i get in that im doomed mode imretarted forever. speech is still altered and im just slower still. How long did it take for you guys to mentally be back/fixed?  Im doing normal things again though like working and helping out family etc


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## nervousone

adrian310 said:


> my mental function of reality is still not the same.im alot less worried but still sometimes i get in that im doomed mode imretarted forever. speech is still altered and im just slower still. How long did it take for you guys to mentally be back/fixed?  Im doing normal things again though like working and helping out family etc



I can't speak for amphetamines alone, but there was a point when I had a few years clean of a nasty polydrug habit that had lasted literally half my life. It took me about 2 years clean to feel 99% again, but I had been abusing pretty much every class of drugs although the main culprit was usually obnoxious amounts of benzos. 

Working out (both strength training and cardio), meditation, a healthy diet, and plenty of sleep are key to recovery.

I wish I had taken my own advice because I ended up slipping into old habits when I quit taking my recovery seriously and here I am trying to get clean all over again...


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## DaRealiss

leftwing said:


> it's been 10 weeks clear, now
> 
> the hardest were the first 2-3 weeks.  initially getting over the cravings of every weekend use and filling that void; the psychological re-adjustment basically.  finding things to fill that void can be difficult but if you have a support network of friends and family it definitely is a hell of a lot easier.


 thats Awesome.i cant get pass the friday sat thing where its like. Ahh the weekend _<snip>_


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## skylight123

i was on one for two years, then sober for two years, and just recently had a 6 day binge.  
mainly it stemmed from acute loneliness and depression.  
i have been reading this forum for the past several days, trying to stop myself from getting more.  
obviously it's not a good thing but it's an "i want" sort of thing.  i want more, just to forget how much pain i'm in.  
how much no one around me cares.  how completely alone i am, trying to do this all by my fucking self.  how it doesn't matter if i went back to being an addict anyway, i'm sure everyone would just say they knew it would happen. 
i've taken nyquil to sleep, i'm drinking now to take the extra edge off.  it's been 3 days since i smoked the last of my shit.


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## tripnotyzm

adrian310 said:


> Okay day 32 im.clean still and no urge to use what so ever. But my mental function of reality is still not the same.im alot less worried but still sometimes i get in that im doomed mode imretarted forever. speech is still altered and im just slower still. How long did it take for you guys to mentally be back/fixed?  Im doing normal things again though like working and helping out family etc




It can take various amounts of time for your brain to function at its peak once again, everybody is different. 
I would suggest trying to expand your social skills wherever possible. Have some good talks to your friends, family and co-workers..
Eventually you will get the hang of it 
Day 32, that's really cool. 
By the time you double that figure, i reckon you'll feel a lot greater


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## adrian310

Skylight dont give in dude fuck meth that shit is retarted as fuck. Smoke a shit load of weed n get the munchies play a videogame watch a movie have a kid something dont turn back to drugs man it makes me sad to see alot of my family n peoplehumans go down tht road. Its.horrible love yourself man be happy. Fuck what people think you are who you choose to be. Dont be a pheen again theres no happiness in that none. Your on the charriot to endless miserory. No one cares about you bro but i do man. Godbless you man suceed nd achieve to continue to be drug free you gone this far dont give up some girl will love you one day and admire you as if nothing.else mattered dont continue man dont


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## adrian310

tripnotyzm said:


> It can take various amounts of time for your brain to function at its peak once again, everybody is different.
> I would suggest trying to expand your social skills wherever possible. Have some good talks to your friends, family and co-workers..
> Eventually you will get the hang of it
> Day 32, that's really cool.
> By the time you double that figure, i reckon you'll feel a lot greater


 Trip thnks bro  ican only hope nd watch. Have you delt with an experience makeing you feel not the same for a long time ?


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## skylight123

yeah.  i still want to get high real bad.  but the comedowns last week sucked, now i know why i used to just smoke and smoke for days till i passed out.  of course staying up for days is what caused the schizo/paranoia to come out.  that was awful.  i don't have enough xanax to help me comfortably come down every time i decide i want to get high.  i have notes to myself, "no more dope, all you do is pointlessly tweak!"  that i wrote in the peak of my tweak.  yet still i fiend.


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## whenrigorsetsin

Adrian310 (and everyone else drug-free right now) YOU ROCK!!! Sounds like you're on the right track...doing "normal things" and being around family. 35 years ago I used crystal (we didn't call it meth back then) for 13 years along with anything else I could get my hands on. Then I got pregnant and quit everything. It wasn't actually that difficult to quit since I had fucked up hormones to deal with and was afraid of having a baby adversely affected by my drug abuse. Everyone is different, but for me, it took several years before I really felt mentally "right". That being said, I don't think my memory function ever fully returned to pre-drug times. BTW I stupidly started using again a few years ago, hence my presence here.

I can tell you that worrying about your mental health will not help it get better. That's much easier said than done but if you can keep your mind and body busy with positive, productive activities it will improve. Drug-free time is your best friend right now and just like the length of time it takes us to travel down the road of drugs and despair, it seems to take an exponential amount of time to return to the real you completely.

Stay positive. Keep doing what you're doing. Be patient. Exercise your mind...read, do crosswords, word puzzles, take online quizzes (about anything), just keep your brain working on normal things. If you work it as hard as you did getting dope, being paranoid, and worrying about getting busted, you'll be exhausted (the good way) at the end of the day and hungry for more the next!!!  It will happen...in time. And don't forget to give yourself a big ass pat on the back for having the courage and strength to get where you are today! Congrats!


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## whenrigorsetsin

Skylight123 eventually the craving will decrease and possibly disappear forever. Maybe not, but it will decrease. Time and filling the void that was the all-consuming finding/doing/tweaking/worrying/crashing will take some effort but will really help alleviate the overwhelming fiend. Alone with your thoughts is probably not the safest place at this point in your recovery. Surround yourself with drug free friends and family along with activities totally not associated with tweaking. It's lame but at least legal, try an OTC sleep medication like Tylenol PM, Exederine(sp?) PM, meds like those to help. Maybe alternate using something OTC and ur Xanax and see if that helps. Keep your mind and body busy. 

YOU ROCK and will keep rocking! You've taken the first two steps, deciding to quit and actually quitting. Now the hard part begins...but YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!! Fuck the dope! You're better than that shit. You are in control of your life not some nasty ass chemical! Remember to give yourself KUDOS and don't minimize how far you've already come. Congrats!!!


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## tripnotyzm

So i gave in last night. 
Had a long night of work to get through, plus a lot of side projects that i have been lagging behind with. 
At this current stage my feelings towards amphetamines are somewhat neutral..  
Due to my past addictions, it now feels like i am taking a much larger risk when i decide to use. 
I must be careful and certain not to fall back in to the loop, and know that i am strong enough to remain in control.


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## whenrigorsetsin

Listen to Accidents Can Happen by Sixx AM (The Heroin Diaries) please. I'm a firm believer that part of the real recovery process is to giving in perhaps a few times or more! Don't beat yourself up, don't accept that you can't quit forever, and don't quit quitting! I don't know you're past history but for most of us, we can quit for years and start back up again like we hadn't missed a day and put our bodies (and minds) through Hell and then some. You ARE strong enough to remain in control. Shit happens. We all fuck up. Just don't give up. It takes a while. It's alright, you're not alone...


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## iliketoast

This is tough shit.... I made it to 7 days and got into that "why the hell not?" mindset. That was about a month ago. Took a day and a half off, halfheartedly. 

I'm amazed I've allowed something like this to have such pull on my day to day function.


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## mrflowers00

i'll never touch meth again but i do dextroamphetamine now i'm much more sane on that and much less of a itch to redose


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## Allein

iliketoast said:


> This is tough shit.... I made it to 7 days and got into that "why the hell not?" mindset. That was about a month ago. Took a day and a half off, halfheartedly.
> 
> I'm amazed I've allowed something like this to have such pull on my day to day function.



That sounds all to familiar, I'm in the UK and we don't get much meth here, it's mainly Amphetamine Sulphate which despite my best intentions I seem to be using more and more. If I carry on on the same path it won't be long before it's everyday, I'm approaching the mark where I'm more days of the week on than off.

At the moment my function is OK, in fact I seem to be coping mentally and physically quite well, I know this is in fact a very bad sign. Even as a write this I know I've convinced myself this is OK, when I know deep down I shouldn't be taking them at all for a whole raft of reasons.

I've been suffering from fatigue and insomnia for so long and amphetamines provide such a relief as well as granting me motivation and some confidence ( see how I'm justifying all this)

I'm going to put this stuff to one side for the next few days, no good trying to think about it whilst up, there lies the madness.

Recording it here is enough for now


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## ilikestims

If my acquaintance hit me back with the stuff, I'd be on it right now.

But he knows about my recovery attempt and is likely bullshitting me.

I'm getting very depressed. Broke my marijuana-free streak at 42 days. Meth's still 46 days or so, but I'm losing count because I don't give a shit. My diet has been poor too. Not working out much either.

I want to get back on track, but at the same time, I don't give a shit. The definition of depression.

I intend to go on a 10-day juice fast soon (as soon as I eat up the cooked food in my house so I don't waste a bunch of money). That, and buying some health supplements I have been diligently saving up all month to buy, are the only things keeping me sane. 

Fortunately this recent dip has not harmed me much financially. I was equally disciplined financially as I was with everything else, and so far that financial mentality is the one that's sticking around.


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## usernameMan

I am so oblivious that it didn't even occur to me that my problem was speed until recently. I knew I was hooked on the opiates due to the withdrawals. I thought I only did speed because it was available and by going around those that had it always led me to the pills ( my main interest). Now that I reflect on the past almost year, it has been an endless cycle of me staying up for days and then crashing hard. The higher I get, the harder I fall. There have been days where I would like nothing more than to be put out of my misery. I know it's the drug. I know that if I continue to redose, day after day, the result will be unbelievable depression.  Yet I continue to do it.

In fact, the opiates are less of a problem now. I don't really have the financial luxury to have both all the time so it appears that either the speed is more available or I just want it more. I hate what I'm doing to myself and to my family. They have dealt with enough already. I go to 12 step meetings several times a week. I don't pretend to be sober either. The whole thing is pretty humiliating but I'm hoping one day something will click in my head and I can find God or some power within myself to stop. Sorry to be so negative. It helps to see other people are getting over it and come out being happy.


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## skylight123

i hate to admit i relapsed again on thursday, after taking a few days off from my last relapse, which ended the previous friday.  i call these relapses because i was clean from meth for over two years...  so i know it can be done.  by me.  i know I can do it.  i'm just idle right now in my life, and it's been hard for me to get back on track, depression, etc.  so i sought it out to relieve some of those doldrums that stem from aimlessness.  even though i have a gym membership, a library, all kinds of things i could be doing instead of frying my brain.  i am really disappointed in myself, because i don't even like the stuff, past the first day or so.  yet i continue to re-dose, like another poster mentioned.  i guess that's the psychological monkey brain part of it.  "give me my reward, i completed the action of puffing the pipe!"  it's completely lame.  here i am on the fourth day of my binge (even with sleep in between the days, meth does not get you on that "level" with daily use).  so it's completely pointless to keep using.  i want to better my life, and i'm aware of the ways to start, like going to AA meetings and exercising a lot.  honestly i don't have a lot of sober friends, so i feel pretty alone in this battle.  

my body has started to actually gag when i start inhaling meth smoke.  it just started today.  it's like my body is physically rejecting it, it's trying to save itself, it doesn't want it.  same thing happened when i tried heroin a few years ago.  got to a point where i'd cook up a shot and just the smell and the reality of what i was about to do to myself made me gag.  

i still have probably more than a half gram left of crystal :/  not sure if i should save it or what.  when am i going to be ready to quit for good??  i do think i need meetings because i need a social sober group.  i've heard some people say to go to AA meetings rather than NA, does anyone have suggestions?


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## spork

Flush the rest of it down the toilet, skylight. I'd try both AA and NA meetings and see which works best for YOU. I think it's _very_ important to have sober friends to hang out with right now. I haven't done meth myself in quite some time, but I know that I can't be around it at all still. It's the one drug that I can never say no to no matter how long it's been since I've done it or how much I want to stay off of it. I just avoid it and keep myself away from my old friends who I used it with. You have people you can talk to about this here so you don't really have to go through this completely alone.


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## ilikestims

Definitely flush the rest down the toilet. 

Try not to beat yourself up too much, because the shame and self-hatred are part of the cycle that keeps you coming back. In the end of it addictions are all about a poor self-image of unworthiness and/or perfectionist tendencies, because when you think about it, we are harming our mind and body, and we wouldn't do that if we truly loved ourselves unconditionally.

I was very close to using again, going so far as to desperately reach out for a connect and searching Bluelight for random methamphetamine threads. 

That actually led me to a thread which talked about the damage it does to your brain, which sobered me up and made me think twice.

The fact of the matter is I've already done way too much meth in my life (even if it's not half as much as most users seem to have done). I am getting older (24) and cannot depend on youthful exuberance cushioning me against long-term damage anymore. Frankly, it would be a major upset if there was not already irreversible long-term damage done to my brain. 

And when I look at how frustrating being meth-free for 6-7 weeks has been -- the emotional damage, the frustration, the quick-temper, the lack of pleasure (anhedonia has been the major trigger in me wanting to use again) -- I'll just have to go through all of that again, plus some, if I use. Fuck that.

I've smoked a little weed but not even that is satisfying me. That's what keeps ringing out in my head: if I keep using drugs of any kind, I keep delaying my brain's ability to balance dopamine/opiates/serotonin/whatever pleasure chemicals in my brain to feel normal again. 

That is a major turning point, because in the past, without exception, every time I would hit a depressive state -- and this has happened like clockwork for me the past 3 years -- I would veg out, smoke tons of tree, watch a ton of porn, and basically thoroughly rape myself in a fit of self-hatred. 

So these 6-7 weeks of being very focused and disciplined _has_ helped me tremendously. My brain _is_ changing. My emotional balance _can_ be regained. I am not a victim.

The hardest part of the recovery is learning to dispel these perfectionist tendencies and learn unconditional love.


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## whenrigorsetsin

For all of you peeps who have relapsed and are beating yourselves up over it, PLEASE STOP   Everyone, I mean EVERYONE, makes mistakes and has setbacks whether they're drug related or not. The problem with us is that meth is such a physically and mentally corrosive and toxic drug quitting forever the first time is nearly impossible. Pick yourselves back up, dust yourselves off, and quit again. And again. And again...as many times as it takes. It was a long, depressing, insidious trip down the road and into the rabbit hole of addiction and it will take ten-fold to get our asses back to right. Never give up on yourselves. Never. You, we, us, them, he, she, I can win this battle and the war for that matter.

Definitely dispose of any and all meth and other drug/alcohol emergency stashes. Clean up/shower, put on some nice clean clothes, do your makeup, hair, and whatever else you do to make yourself look good. You'll feel better inside if you look good outside. Go to AA, NA, whatever you need to be around other chemically-challenged (but chemical free) peeps you're comfortable with. Personally, I don't do 12 step meetings. I think they are depressing and completely unmotivating along with the higher power/God issues I have. The only 12 step program I would consider is DAA-Dumb Asses Anonymous but we don't have any of those where I live. Besides, I think the member base would just get way too fucking big considering all the real dumb asses out there...not all drug users either. 

I actually prefer and wanna throw out a suggestion to find meetings that focus on positive group interaction and life style changes more so than meetings that focus on the technicalities that most of us already know about (what drugs/alcohol do to your body and relationships, etc.). Let's focus on how we can change our behaviors and values in a positive way and be able to recognize when we are falling back into our old ways jeopardizing our shit getting together process! I was recently at a court ordered substance abuse group, dreading doing yet another 72 hours of dry, on way communication, reefer madness type class but was pleasantly surprised to find this class was actually a dynamic group with a licensed, ex-iv meth using moderator using self-awareness and improvement based curriculum and discussion. Now at my age and having been through every possible situation and then some, I know myself pretty well. However it was still good for me to hear someone else (respectfully) call me on my bullshit and not let me get away with the usual excuses. Even though I know who, how, what and why I am and do the things I do (poor boundary setter for example) it was really important for me to look at myself again, acknowledge my issues, be given tools to work through and overcome them, and not get driven farther down and away in the process.

I will say in the Phoenix, Arizona metro area NOVA has greatly improved on their court ordered treatment from what it was 15 years ago! These courses usually don't cost much (although if you're broke and not working any amount is a hardship) but sometimes they'll work with self referrals on cost and payment. I really think this is a better option that the 12 steps (IMHO) because it deals with fixing YOU/ME/US as people. Dealing with our issues is not something any of us are good at, that what the drugs are for, but until we do deal with our demons, falling off for the last time will always be a likely probability with the worst outcome possible.

Let's fix ourselves or at least take some steps in the right direction to make improvements!!!!


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## usernameMan

I have always felt the same way about AA/NA. I wish there was some alternative where I live but so far this site is the closest thing. It's been 2 days now since I've done any meth. I got rid of my rigs but haven't deleted numbers for connects yet. One text me yesterday but I didn't try to get anything. That was hard considering I got paid yesterday. I got some high potency B-12, fish oil, niacin and I have been taking a Multi every day for a while. Yesterday was hell physically but I made myself get out of bed and go to an AA meeting. I called my sponser 2 nights ago. Its been a while since I had my last relapse so she seemed glad I wasn't dead or in jail. She wants me to call her every day which I don't want to commit to because I'm tired of saying I'll do things and not following through so I just told her I would call tomorrow. I feel like a jerk for being resistant to someone who is trying to help and doesn't have to. I just don't want to think too far ahead right now. It stresses me out and seems impossible. 

Regardless of how I feel about 12 steps, I want to give it another shot.  I don't trust myself to decide what the best method of quitting is. I need serious guidance and that's what's available to me. Skylight123 said AA is preferable to NA when coming off of meth. Can anyone tell me why? I've only been going to AA because the NA meeting I tried to go to rarely can find anyone to chair and most times no one even shows up. My head is mixed up. I don't know how to explain it really. I catch myself staring at nothing for long periods of time, I thought a humming bird was flying around my head the other night but being that it was dark that doesn't seem likely. I saw smoke rising from the trees and when I pointed it out to someone they looked at me strange so I am trying not to talk much to anyone now. It's pretty terrifying. I hope it isn't permanent. 

Anyway, glad I have this thread to come to for encouragement.  I know addiction is addiction but there are things related to meth that are very unique to any other drug I've experienced.  It helps to at least know what's going on with my body and learn how to hold on and push through it. I've lost my job, my kids, house, car and my mind (it appears). I don't want to lose my freedom or my life and that's a very real possibility every time I go back to this shit. Hope you got rid of your stuff, skylight123 and can get back on track. I can't imagine the amount of work it took to go 2 years without it. That's something to be really proud of.


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## spork

SMART Recovery has online meetings. It's something worth looking into if you don't want to go the 12 step route.


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## partyoffive

*Long term amphetamine use*

Hey guys, I'm new to this site and have posted a thread but haven't gotten any replies but I could use some feedback from this group.  I'll try to keep it short and to the point... I've taken vyvanse and adderall for years. Never considered myself to have add but my GP began prescribing them to me years ago, and now it seems like my tolerance is sky high...I'm always taking more than prescribed and it causes me to be stressed and anxious until I get my rx refilled. My primary reason for continuing to take the medications is just life in general. I work full time in a high stress environment that requires me to think on my feet quickly, and the meds greatly improve my ability to think clearly and remember things better. Also, my husband and I have 3 children and my husband works long hours 5 days/week and 99% of home responsibilities fall on me...I just don't feel like I can do all that is required of me without the help of these meds! Not only do they help me to be motivated to get things done, they improve my mood almost 100%. I am WAY happier when I take them. But I am concerned about my long term use of amphetamines. Can anyone offer any insight into this or maybe some ideas on something else in the family of antidepressants that might do the trick? Btw, I've tried Wellbutrin before and I do not want to take them again. I felt spaced out and loopy on them.


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## Venrak

I used to use amphétamines to help give me an edge in a very demanding, performance-oriented job. It worked wonders for a while, but eventually it really screwed me because I was _expected_ to perform at that level as my baseline. It made quitting a lot harder than it should have been, and it escalated my use much faster than it would have escalated otherwise. Then there was a smattering of alarming side effects including paranoid delusion, psychosis, social alienation, depression, anxiety, diminished executive function, neuralgia etc. It did not turn out well _at all_.

This level of use is unsustainable. Clear and simple... The nature of the drug is one of diminishing - and then vanishing - returns.

If you believe you are depressed, your doctor would be able to find one that best suits your situation; bupropion(Wellbutrin) was probably chosen because of its stimulating characteristics, and possibly to help reduce cravings for other stimulants. That one did not work for you at the dosage and formulation you tried, but there are other release mechanism/dose combinations that may have a  better side effect profile for you, or even entire classes of antidepressants you have not tried yet.


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## partyoffive

That's exactly why I feel like I need to make a change now with these meds because I realize there's no way to sustain this without crossing lines I don't want to cross, like obtaining the meds in ways other than through a prescription. The thought of "how can I get more" has slowly started creeping into my psyche and I know that can not be healthy. 
I've def noticed social withdrawals over the years but I've chalked it up to my super busy life...the biggest negative, other than how I feel when I don't have them, is that it seems like I can't just enjoy playing and spending time with my kids. It's like I'm always feeling pressure to make everything perfect. 
I don't know if I think I'm depressed, I just know that I'm tired, unmotivated, sluggish and unproductive when I'm not taking the medication. Which is why I began taking them in the first place. 
Thanks for your feedback!


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