# Exist in Peace, Sepher



## herbavore

I have just gotten word that Sepher has died. Sepher gave of himself, through humor and wit and honesty and empathy, to those here on Bluelight as well as to everyone in his life elsewhere. He was an amazing human being and he brought light into the world every day. Even in his own dark times, he never had trouble summoning words of hope for others. 

One of the sweetest and kindest acts that anyone has ever done for me was to follow me into my own son's shrine here on Bluelight. He subscribed to the thread so that he could see when I posted something and he always took the time to read it and to engage me in a conversation about what I had written. He let me have my grief, never tried to talk me out of it--he just let me know that he was off to the side somewhere holding a flashlight for my way back. Our deep friendship grew out of this seemingly small act of genuine kindness.

I never thought I would see the day that Neil's name would be here. He has left many people missing him but no one more than his devoted partner. This shrine is a place to remember Neil--to tell our stories of his gifts. He would want us to laugh more than cry but we will undoubtedly do both. 

Bluelight is sometimes like a planet with huge craters. They open up and swallow beautiful souls and those of us still standing are left with words that cannot describe at all the enormity of the loss.


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## herbavore

I am devastated to bring this hard news that we have lost a great man, friend to so many here in TDS and throughout Bluelight. Sepher has died. I received a message from his devastated partner today. A shrine has been created for him here.

Sepher gave so much to so many here, especially in the alcoholism thread. TDS has lost one of the great voices that make our community so extraordinary. He did not have a harsh bone in his body. He rarely gave "advice". He gave empathy in the form of honest talk, a sense of shared experience, honest questions and always, always his great British wit and way with words.

Our moderation team has lost a vital team member and Bluelight has lost an important member. The world has lost a unique being of intelligence, compassion and generosity, to name just a few. 

I have never liked the term "rest in peace" though I know it comes from a compassionate place. It's just that I can't see wishing someone as vital and alive as Neil "rest". I think he would rather not. And so I I say, E.I.P. my friend. Exist in beauty as you always did.


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## Mela

Dreadful news...just heard elsewhere...

Such a friendly, intelligent, non-judgmental, kind-hearted dude. Will miss him terribly  

...


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## junglejuice

So sad


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## Captain.Heroin

RIP

really sad

very coincidental his name was the main character of Mysterious Skin.


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## junglejuice

herbavore said:


> Bluelight is sometimes like a planet with huge craters. They open up and swallow beautiful souls and those of us still standing are left with words that cannot describe at all the enormity of the loss.



Well said 

Rest in peace


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## Pagey




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## Albion

Sepher 

This is horrible. Rest In Peace...


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## The Liberal Media

Truly awful news

RIP Dude


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## swampdragon

What an awful loss. 

RIP.


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## BobJawkins

Sepher was a man of great intellect, wit, compassion and understanding. He had empathy by the bucket load and getting to know him through the forums and the odd email was a real pleasure. He was a beautiful person and if I am a collection of everyone I have ever known I am certainly a better person for having known him.


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## PriestTheyCalledHim

Rest in peace.


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## pharmakos

i only knew him from his rare-but-lengthy Lounge posts, seemed like he was a cut above the rest though.  RIP Sepher.


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## Mariposa

Oh no... I also just read this elsewhere and came over here to see if it was real.  

Neil, I'm one of the many people you helped immeasurably, particularly in February of this year when I had my surgery.  You helped me keep focused on getting well.  You did so much for so many here and elsewhere, though you were open about your struggles, you always cared about others first.  I hope the other side is treating you well and that you find the peace that eluded you in life.  Please look after us always.


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## StrutterGear

RIP Sepher. Hope you found some peace.


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## NotaCaterpillar

This really sucks. I didnt know him personally, but saw his posts around bluelight over the years first a lurker and now a member. i hope hes found peace.

R.I.P.


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## neversickanymore

It all continues to mount on me coming from all sides
I see life is relentless in its pain
like a barren desert without rain
a sunny day that just won't come
a silent beat on a drum
no where is there pleasure or peace until our breathing final cease 
only then may we love again 
may we call those around us friend
we can unload the burdens off our back
and let our painful memories fade to black 

chevy daniels



Perhaps if death is kind, and there can be returning, 
We will come back to earth some fragrant night, 
And take these lanes to find the sea, and bending
Breathe the same honeysuckle, low and white.

We will come down at night to these resounding beaches
And the long gentle thunder of the sea, 
Here for a single hour in the wide starlight
We shall be happy, for the dead are free.

~Sara Teasdale


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## ad lib

Sepher,

You encouraged me to put my application in to be a moderator. I was skeptical at first but you told me how awesome i would be as part of the team, so i submitted my application. 

I remember our lengthy PM's that we would have -- me late at night and you early in the morning -- just talking. You are such a kind soul.

I can't believe you've left this world. It's still hard for me to imagine. When I got news of that today my heart sank and tears just started flowing. This world, and Bluelight, will not be the same without you. 

Rest easy my friend. 

xx

PS- Remember when I was sick and I asked for natural remedies? Well as soon as you told me this I did try and it and did help. 



> Turmeric is an ancient Ayurvedic treatment for coughs, colds, all sorts: anti-bacterial, anti-inflammatory, decongestant, pretty much proven. Half a teaspoon turmeric powder in a little boiled water once or twice a day might help.


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## stardust.hero

Sepher  I don't quite have the words yet that are worthy for your thread. I don't think I ever will have the right ones to explain what I feel and how I felt about you. 

You were and are a beautiful soul. I am so thankful to have gotten the chance to see and know you. I wish I had more time.


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## brimz

This is another tragedy , it's getting really out of hand round BL atm .

Sepher you were an inspiration mate , was thinking about you recently as i needed some advice .

Where ever you are , Step lightly Brother


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## Shambles

Only ever spoke to Sepher a handful of times - our paths just didn't cross much - but I do know people who knew him better and the sheer intensity of the of shock and of the depths of the pain and of scale of the sense of loss I see in them says it all


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## ad lib

You'll always be in my heart my dear friend. You've helped me when I was so low, and I'm sorry I couldn't have done the same. A million things are running through my mind, I just don't know what to say...


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## Captain.Heroin

RIP Sepher


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## glenjih

What a world.

Sepher, you old dog, if for some reason you're still plugged into cyberspace rather than exploring the vast transcendent psychedelic plane that is undoubtedly your personal heaven, I'll miss you. I had been meaning to get back in touch after spending such a long time recently in real life mode. I'm sorry I left it so long.


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## blodwyn

I'm so deeply saddened by this news, through forums we are enabled to meet many different walks of life and Sepher from day one showed himself to be an outstanding individual with his humanity to other people, his huge knowledge around so many topics made him unforgettable.  Walk free my friend you are in all of our hearts.


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## Novice74

Posted this on another forum but just wanted to pay my respect on here.

Flipping eck this is shocking news, all i can say is that its a sad day, very respected and knowledgeable member. Always gave good advice, was never one to take sides and always had an open mind R.I.P Sepher

F.S.L.L


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## curious_24

RIP Sepher.


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## henrik7

RIP Sepher :-(


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## JJ-180

I didn't know the man,but sort of feel like I did just from his posts on here, always informing, helpful and tolerant.Rest in peace.


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## spork

I haven't been able to figure out the right words to say here. I woke up this morning and my first thought was that it was all a dream. I was quick to find out that this wasn't the case though.  

Sepher, I meant it when I said you're one of my favorite people in the world. You still are and always will be. I'm thankful that I was given the chance to get to know you. Even though the time was brief, it was special. I felt like I could tell you anything and you would understand and have something kind and encouraging to say to me. That was just the kind of person you were, you had so much love for the people that you came in contact with. I hope that we can cross each other's paths again some day. I love you.


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## Mr.Scagnattie

This is the worst part of the world we BL'ers sometimes live in. A truly great guy and contributor to the site.

Unbelievable. I feel for his loved ones.


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## Venrak

I may be insane, but I think he's happy now...

I was overcome last night with this feeling of him, accompanied with a sense of love and peace. It was tangible.

Love you, man.


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## herbavore

^ So was I! On FB he was a moose--a great thundering, comical, wild moose and all last night I pictured him just crashing around the universe feeling his new power, his freedom and wild, wild, crazy joy. Neil, if anyone deserves to feel unfettered it is you. Thunder away! I'm down here laughing and crying at the same time.


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## stardust.hero

Sepher


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## rainey

So very very sad.

RIP


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## His Name Is Frank

You endured some very trying times and you will definitely be missed by many. Rest in peace, Sepher.


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## Dave

Man, it's like every time I go away for a bit, I come back and see one of these.

My thoughts go out to his friends and family tonight. I didn't know him well, but what I knew of him I liked. We are diminished by his loss.


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## DrunkardsDream

I'll keep his friends and family in my thoughts/meditations/prayers.  I was not really close with him but we did trade PMs and he was very helpful to me in the alcoholism thread.  Rest in peace.


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## motherofearth

Awww no, Sepher?


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## zombywoof

The world is a lesser place now. You will be sadly missed


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## xstayfadedx

Rip


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## Sprout

Wow, Bluelight has lost a great member!


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## Si Dread

Gutted 

rip Sephs


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## SilentRoller

Rest in peace mate, thanks for everything


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## stardust.hero

Why do I see your name here buddy.  I will miss you so.


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## zombywoof

One of the best and now the world is a lesser place. Thoughts with family and friends.


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## 'medicine cabinet'

another truly sad story r.i.p brother


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## foolsgold

just read this in another forum never spoke but alway saw them around R.I.P MAN hope your in a better place now


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## RobotRipping

didn't know sepher but read many of his posts, very sorry to hear this; exist in peace indeed, wherever you may have gone.


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## cj

RIP. A sad day for the site


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## MrPorter

RIP Sepher 
Had just started getting to know you. I wish well upon your family and friends.


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## Asclepius

Sepher


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## stardust.hero

It doesn't quite feel the same. I don't think it ever will be. I miss you.


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## Thorns Have Roses

Eulogy, A Sonnet

Agapanthus burst as a purple flood,
a crown of white floats amid the self-made royalty.
Why remain pure in this world of mud;
out of hope, despair or misguided loyalty?
In summer heat, life clings and sticks,
the bright solstice sun offers no respite.
We trudge on and on seeing no way to fix
this grim morass of boiling light.
Perhaps when we wilt we do not rot,
but leave a jeweled colyx, like statice.
A fragile, lasting beauty to adorn man's lot,
on which men can lean and grow, a lattice. 

Now we who remain sing as the moon arrives.
Songs of grief and joy, of yours and our lives.


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## Sebastians_ghost

Thank you, Sepher for leaving a piece of yourself here with us.  I'm sorry I didn't have the honor of knowing you better.


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## Sebastians_ghost

herbavore said:


> I have just gotten word that Sepher has died. Sepher gave of himself, through humor and wit and honesty and empathy, to those here on Bluelight as well as to everyone in his life elsewhere. He was an amazing human being and he brought light into the world every day. Even in his own dark times, he never had trouble summoning words of hope for others.
> 
> One of the sweetest and kindest acts that anyone has ever done for me was to follow me into my own son's shrine here on Bluelight. He subscribed to the thread so that he could see when I posted something and he always took the time to read it and to engage me in a conversation about what I had written. He let me have my grief, never tried to talk me out of it--he just let me know that he was off to the side somewhere holding a flashlight for my way back. Our deep friendship grew out of this seemingly small act of genuine kindness.
> 
> I never thought I would see the day that Neil's name would be here. He has left many people missing him but no one more than his devoted partner. This shrine is a place to remember Neil--to tell our stories of his gifts. He would want us to laugh more than cry but we will undoubtedly do both.
> 
> Bluelight is sometimes like a planet with huge craters. They open up and swallow beautiful souls and those of us still standing are left with words that cannot describe at all the enormity of the loss.



This was beautiful to read.  Thank you, Herbavore.


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## gr33n3y3z

Oh wow I just now found this out.
I'm so sorry to hear this my thoughts and  go out to his family & friends.


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## kingme

though we never met, i truly enjoyed reading his posts... and indeed he seemed like genuine interesting, intelligent and kind person.
my thoughts go out to his friends and family.
may he rest in peace.


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## Faster Than Light

I never so much as exchanged posts with Sepher, and yet I went numb and frozen at seeing his name in the Shrine. I thought incoherently, "Surely that can't be the Sepher I know. Surely it must be another user with the same name. That's possible, right?" That's how much I didn't want to believe he could be dead. And I knew him only through reading his posts to other people. There was such a steady, thoughtful kindness in those posts. He was irreplaceable.


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## herbavore

^"Steady, thoughtful and kind". Those are the truest words.


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## Bearlove

RIP Sepher  - thought go out to his friends and family.


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## kytnism

everytime i saw sephers name as the last poster in the nudie thread in the lounge i clicked, as i knew it would be a whimsical and entertaining read. he always had a way with words and making every contributor feel beautiful. he could see beauty in others that was overlooked by most. he seemed a real lovely man with a killer sense of humor and never a bad word to say about a soul. my most fond memory of sepher was a photograph of himself dressed in womens high heels, stockings and panties. where most men would cringe at the thought of that being seen publically, he posted it shamelessly and had a giggle and witty comeback for every comment that followed. to those of you who personally knew him, and considered him a friend, my sincerest condolences go out to you. rest in peace sepher. 

...kytnism...


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## Venrak

.


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## stardust.hero

So many of my friends now reside in a thread they won't reply back to me in. . I miss you Neil. Nobody will ever replace the person(ality) you were to me.


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## ad lib

Neil, I miss you terribly.


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## Just A Guy

Very dismayed over Sepher's death. I always enjoyed reading his posts. We never made a personal connection, but I will miss him. RIP, sir.


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## Jesusgreen

Oh no  I hadn't seen this post, but I heard about some terrible news from someone else, I didn't realise it concerned Neil. He was a brilliant guy with a great sense of humour and really added a lot of colour to the forum. 

It feels like I'm reading something that isn't real, I mean it's not the first and not the last time Bluelight has or will lose someone, but I guess you never expect it to be someone you speak to personally and someone whose posts you read every day both on and off Bluelight. 

Rest in peace Neil, much respect to you and everything you've done here, and to Neil's family and friends I sincerely wish you the best and hope you all know that he's brought many a smile to the people of Bluelight and won't be forgotten.


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## badfish45

Looking back on Sepher, every post you made and every reply you made to my posts were so unbelievably heart warming and kind. Im sad I didn't get to know you as well on a personal basis, but Sepher, looking back at your posts, it's people like you that are the reason I signed up for Bluelight and became a moderator. I hope you know the power of your generosity extends far beyond what you even realized


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## ad lib

I keep PMing you with hopes of a reply. 

Silly, isn't it? I know you're looking at that action from wherever you may be, wherever one goes after death, and making fun of me for it


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## ad lib

> Originally Posted by Sepher
> "Death is certain, replacing both the siren-song of Paradise and the dread of Hell. Life on this earth, with all its mystery and beauty and pain, is then to be lived far more intensely: we stumble and get up, we are sad, confident, insecure, feel loneliness and joy and love. There is nothing more; but I want nothing more." - Christopher Hitchens
> 
> 
> A life to be lived more intensely . . . I want nothing more. The nothing more reads two ways, both ways sound about right.



.


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## Zerrr

I only know Sepher from reading his posts on here but he seemed like a great, compassionate Human. I am sure if there is a peaceful place after death he is there. I hope all the people he influenced in his life will continue to feel the love he left while alive.

exit in peace, Sepher. Thank you for all the contributions you made here at bluelight. Your words certainly had a positive effect on me.


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## The_Rogue

RIP, man.  Sorry to see you go.


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## Vaya

I've expressed my sorrow in enough threads. I have no more words to offer. Neil was a prolific human being, and a devoted friend. And, in my mind, he still represents each of those attributes.

I love you, my dear, departed friend.
I know you can hear me.
I feel it.

​


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## spork

Wishing I could talk to you now. I miss you, Neil.


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## usedtobe

Sepher was one of my first friends on BL...RIP...prayers to your loved ones


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## RedLeader

I had been taking some time off BL lately, but herby told me last night and my jaw dropped as fast as my tears fell.  Another beautiful soul moves on, another beautiful that, in celebration of his life as we currently are, can teach us ways we can be better people too.  We can learn how to love ourselves in the ways that we loved Sepher.  I think a l lot of us in TDS/RS saw some of ourselves in him.  I just hope he knew that a lot of these were positive things we saw.  

I miss your drunken PMs (from way back), and then you'd apologise the next day.  That's like something I would do.  I remember talking with you very personally about a kink we shared, and you gave me great advice on that as well.  And, you amazing friend, you taught me loads of great new music, and introduced me into new scenes I now have in my life.  

You beat heroin years and years (I think over a decade ago), and that, no matter what other battles you have had since, is amazing in itself.  You did it, and I hope we can all find those writings of yours of how you did it.  You also beat lots of judgment for alternative ways you lived.  And even those nights you felt worst and like the lowest of the low men, you had strengths that many men who appear strong do not.  

You are humble and yet you were able to be assertive when you needed to.  Unafraid to ask for questions, unafraid to share answers when people don't even ask what you want to say.  Anytime I tried to describe a unique beauty to you, you understood right away from where I came.  You were more than a man, sepher, you were a man united with the beautiful forces that exist in ways a lot of us cannot even begin to understand.  You would have been my best friend had we lived in the same town, and I would have always been there for you at your worst.  Wish I couldn't have been right now, I wish I could have seen you post one more time.   But I know that it would just say "guys, don't worry.  I love you all and I will be okay.

I know we both shared a love for The Unbearable Lightness of Being.  I was just reading it again, actually.  So an strange turn of events.  So let me share a quote from the story:



> "We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always a sketch. No sketch is not quite the right word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the groundwork for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch of nothing, an outline with no picture."



For an actor going on cold, you warmed a lot of our hearts.  Mine included.  

Peace & Love to everyone.  We lost a friend, we grew stronger as other friends.  Love you, Sepher.


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## Kemicalized

Can't belive its all TRUE!

.uch love to your family and friends. You will be missed by all of us too.

I know there's other dimensions so I'll probably see yoiu hyperspace 
_please refrain from discussing triggering drug use in a tributary thread to a valued staff member. What were you thinking?_

Love you bro, see you again 

I've had a few as a tribute. I may or may not talk rubbish. But one definite truth is that you are truly loved.


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## drscience

I hadn't the pleasure of interacting with you but I liked reading your posts.

We lost another good one.


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## Venrak

What's up, brother? 

I know man, I feel you around me right now but I'm gonna post this anyway so stop laughing.

It's amazing how I've felt you all around in the ether...Your energy is just permeating it all, and you manifest yourself in a very real way when i need you. So I thank you for taking time out of your busy day of being a bumblebee or blade of grass, or burrowing in the ground as a worm to reach out and tell me its ok.


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## stardust.hero

^


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## Venrak

RedLeader said:


> I had been taking some time off BL lately, but herby told me last night and my jaw dropped as fast as my tears fell.  Another beautiful soul moves on, another beautiful that, in celebration of his life as we currently are, can teach us ways we can be better people too.  We can learn how to love ourselves in the ways that we loved Sepher.  I think a l lot of us in TDS/RS saw some of ourselves in him.  I just hope he knew that a lot of these were positive things we saw.
> 
> I miss your drunken PMs (from way back), and then you'd apologise the next day.  That's like something I would do.  I remember talking with you very personally about a kink we shared, and you gave me great advice on that as well.  And, you amazing friend, you taught me loads of great new music, and introduced me into new scenes I now have in my life.
> 
> You beat heroin years and years (I think over a decade ago), and that, no matter what other battles you have had since, is amazing in itself.  You did it, and I hope we can all find those writings of yours of how you did it.  You also beat lots of judgment for alternative ways you lived.  And even those nights you felt worst and like the lowest of the low men, you had strengths that many men who appear strong do not.
> 
> You are humble and yet you were able to be assertive when you needed to.  Unafraid to ask for questions, unafraid to share answers when people don't even ask what you want to say.  Anytime I tried to describe a unique beauty to you, you understood right away from where I came.  You were more than a man, sepher, you were a man united with the beautiful forces that exist in ways a lot of us cannot even begin to understand.  You would have been my best friend had we lived in the same town, and I would have always been there for you at your worst.  Wish I couldn't have been right now, I wish I could have seen you post one more time.   But I know that it would just say "guys, don't worry.  I love you all and I will be okay.
> 
> I know we both shared a love for The Unbearable Lightness of Being.  I was just reading it again, actually.  So an strange turn of events.  So let me share a quote from the story:
> 
> 
> 
> For an actor going on cold, you warmed a lot of our hearts.  Mine included.
> 
> Peace & Love to everyone.  We lost a friend, we grew stronger as other friends.  Love you, Sepher.




Right on.


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## herbavore

You were unbelievably brave about so many things.


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## Tryptamine*Dreamer

This is terrible news. I have read many of Sepher's posts and exchanged some private messages.
I don't usually think there is a heaven or hell, and most likely no God(s) or afterlife but I hope there is something after death and that Sepher is out there somewhere in peace and that his loved ones will see him again some day.

I know many on Bluelight will miss him and his posts, including myself.
I want to believe that he and others who have been lost are somewhere better now.
I will pray for him and tonight I will do a private ceremony/ritual that I do whenever someone I know in any way has died. I did not know him well only exchanging a few private messages, but I could see that he was a good person from reading many of his posts.

This was a great loss to Bluelight and I am sure a significant loss to the world.


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## phactor

Just found this out. Terrible. We have lost far to many BLers over the years.

E.I.P


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## severely etarded

Very sad news to hear indeed. Rest in peace Neil. I'm speechless otherwise


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## Seeking Where?

I've been off Bluelight for awhile, so only heard about Sepher's death through Motherwolf and Herbavore.  Neil was unfailingly kind and had struggled so hard for so long.  He was a blessing to me and clearly to many, many others.  May his soul be bound up with in the bond of eternal life.


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## herbavore

Seeking Where?;11687792....May his soul be bound up with in the bond of eternal life.[/QUOTE said:
			
		

> A friend sent me these words this morning. I came to post them in Caleb's shrine but after reading your words, I think they fit here:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Nothing is "deep'. Trauma, death, affliction, wounds.
> 
> They all happen on the skin of consciousness.
> 
> Deep down, its eternal, immortal, universal, infinite.
Click to expand...


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## Just A Guy

Whenever I hear Moody Blues' Legend of a Mind, I think to myself: "Sepher's on the outside...looking in."


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## neversickanymore

aww seph.. heavy heart


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## Mariposa

I had an absolutely dreadful day today. I was in a terrible mood with good reason and I am highly emotional.  The first thing that made me smile was a political sign that I know Sepher would approve of.  I wished I'd had a camera handy, but that first good moment of my day is for Sepher.  I'd almost think he had something to do with it.    His wise counsel remains valuable and precious to me and to our community.


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## ad lib

Neil, someone pissed me off at work today and I wanted to call them a "bloody muppet"  I always laughed when you used that word!


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## herbavore

Mariposa said:


> I had an absolutely dreadful day today. I was in a terrible mood with good reason and I am highly emotional.  The first thing that made me smile was a political sign that I know Sepher would approve of.  I wished I'd had a camera handy, but that first good moment of my day is for Sepher.  I'd almost think he had something to do with it.    His wise counsel remains valuable and precious to me and to our community.



I have always thought that Sepher knew more about American politics than most Americans and what is doubly shameful is that he _cared_ more as well. I really miss his dry wit and unblinking eye. And I hope your day got better, Mari.


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## gh0stmAn

How did he die?


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## laugh

RIP Neil


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## HofmannBlotter

RIP dude, can't believe it 

No waaaaaay! Damn, life is so fragile 

Sorry for the indiscretion but what is the cause of death ?


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## stardust.hero

Neil  you'll be here forever. In my heart. You were a great presence beneath a pile of difficulties that were beyond your control, but you still shone through. I am honored to have known you.


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## ad lib

I miss you.


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## maxalfie

I've been away from BL for a little while and couldn't believe it when I read about Sepher passing on. 
Another loss,so sad. Been too many this year on Bluelight.


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## MemphisX3

Damn, r.i.p.


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## bunge

I didnt know sepher personally but i read (and laughed along with) lots of his posts while i was a 'lurker' and his kindness, empathy and humour shone through.
If the depth of feeling from other people is in anyway a measurement of a persons worth, then sepher was truely priceless.
My sympathies to his family and friends at this difficult time.


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## stardust.hero

bunge said:


> If the depth of feeling from other people is in anyway a measurement of a persons worth, then sepher was truely priceless.


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## herbavore

Neil, we are having to "fill your spot" on the Recovery Forum team of moderators. This breaks my heart. No one can fill your spot. You were such a unique man. I think of you daily and miss you more than you ever could have imagined.


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## stardust.hero

^Usually it is exciting. This round not so much. I would have loved to hear Neil's input. He was always so level-headed, positive, fun--the list could go on forever. I enjoyed being a fellow mod with him so much. 

Neil,
It is very hard and I never want to let go when I find someone such as yourself. There are people who fill a place in my mind, heart, place in time. You fit into one of those slots perfectly. I loved it. I am sad that it is lost. Bluelight has taught me so much. To love and to let go. Which for me means many things not just in the life or death sense. You were a person of great understanding and intelligence. There will never be another you.


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## Pagey

kytnism said:


> everytime i saw sephers name as the last poster in the nudie thread in the lounge i clicked, as i knew it would be a whimsical and entertaining read. he always had a way with words and making every contributor feel beautiful. he could see beauty in others that was overlooked by most. he seemed a real lovely man with a killer sense of humor and never a bad word to say about a soul. my most fond memory of sepher was a photograph of himself dressed in womens high heels, stockings and panties. where most men would cringe at the thought of that being seen publically, he posted it shamelessly and had a giggle and witty comeback for every comment that followed. to those of you who personally knew him, and considered him a friend, my sincerest condolences go out to you. rest in peace sepher.
> 
> ...kytnism...



I haven't had the guts to read through this thread until now but glad I saw that post of yours kyt, it brought back some great memories and made me laugh. He really did have a gift for helping people love themselves. I really don't know many people who can do that.

Anyway Neil, I thought you'd be happy to hear I'm over two months almost entirely clean off heroin, and probably couldn't have done it without your support, understanding and encouragement. I'm so happy you were/are here for me regarding that. I miss sending you trippy ramblings in the middle of the night and laughing about it the next day. But I know that wherever you are now you're having a great time making people smile and laugh, because that's just what you do no matter where you are.


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## spork

On the way home from the movies last night I saw a moose crossing sign on the side of the road. Of course I immediately thought of you and got a bit teary eyed but then started laughing to myself. It seems like whenever I need a positive push in the right direction I get some kind of sign to think of you. Missing you and forever watching for moose.


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## Cloudy

goddamn, to many good individuals losing their lives.  RIP bud, I always enjoyed your posts.


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## Venrak

Thanks for reaching out today man.


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## Lysis

wow I just decided to come to the shrine. It always saddens me when I do. Sepher seemed like such a kind soul.

This sucks.


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## effie

Fucksake.


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## pastelcircus

rest in peace sepher, i haven't been around bluelight lately and haven't had the balls to come to this thread until now.
just know that i think about you and hope that you're okay wherever you are, and that i miss your hilarious commentaries and perverted old thoughts and kind words, all written in your strange signature british-type lingo.

anyways, your memory lives on and so does your character, you were always such a shining young soul


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## ad lib

Neil, I miss you.


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## Seeking Where?

Sepher, you were kind to me when Where Wolf? died and I am remembering you both tonight.  I wish you were there now to talk to, to open my heart to.  I trusted you instinctively; you were always 'the real deal' - kind, thoughtful, and above all, PRESENT in a way that others are not.  The Bluelight community misses you,  I miss you, Jan misses you, so many individual souls miss you.  I believe that your soul is bound into the bond of life, as we say in the Jewish world.  Your memory is a blessing and I hope that you have found the peace you have so long sought.  If love can reach beyond the grave, you have mine and my eternal thanks.   J


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## Mela

Jodrell missed a star that night x

http://youtu.be/DIkHpk39rjQ


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## DexterMeth

No way..


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## Seeking Where?

There can be no way to fill the shoes of such a kind, decent and humble individual - but I hope that whoever DOES try is inspired by the love generated for Neil in response to the man he was.


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## herbavore

I am thinking of of you and Caleb and Michael so much, Neil. In 3 days I am going into the rainforest where I will get to stay with the Quichuas and learn about the plants and animals they live with. I know how excited you were for me and all the humorous threats you used to dish out if I failed to keep you posted on my travels. I am taking some of Caleb's ashes, but I am taking you and Michael in my heart as well.


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## QUARE

I have not known Sepher very well but he helped me a few time, I will always remember him as great man with good will. 
Rest in peace my freind.


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## Weedo A. Corleone

I did not know Sepehr but it sounds like he was a great guy . RIP Sepehr


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## WithMyLife

Sepher was kind enough to reach out to me by PM recently when I was in a very low place. His kind and sensible words helped me a lot. When you're in a shit place and someone helps you, you don't think to turn around and say "what about YOU? Are YOU ok?". I did tell him his PM had helped a lot, but I wish he'd known that that kind of thing made him IMPORTANT to me and to so many.

A loss to us all. My thoughts are with all who knew him. RIP mate.


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## Fuzzet

Hi all, partner here.

Thank you for taking the time to post such heart felt messages in tribute of a man who I am proud to have known and changed my life beyond comprehension. I'm glad to know he's been letting some of you also know his spirit is still around and looking out for you. It freaked me out a few times at first, but now I find it comforting. You all must need him more than me at the moment as I've not felt him with me for any length of time for a good few days now. I'm pleased he's looking out for you and that his kindness touched your lives. He is very special to me and it's good to see how many people thought of him as uniquely special too. 

It's taken me all this time, since I broke the news to Herbavore about Sepher's passing on this life, to come here and read this thread. It's had me sobbing, and a couple of smiles of recognition (moose, bumblebees, pervy pics and women's underwear - you've no idea how to explain the size 10 pink lacy pants are his... to a relative!) even now I can't stop the tears as I type. I never thought I'd post here as I was a lurker to make sure he was OK on the quiet, and he knew deep down I was in the background here as he sent me some posts he'd made. In checking in on him, I began following some of your journeys too with their peaks and troughs, silently celebrating your successes and feeling proud for you, knowing Sepher would be there with a post. He was at his best when helping people and sharing information. I'm incredibly proud of him.

I was his partner of 9 years and have known him for 10 years. Some of the best and worst 10 years of my life which we rode together. I miss him deeply and can't tell you all how privileged to say he was my world. I love him even now and don't really know how I can go on without him. We had some really complicated times and sometimes you give tough love to get someone to where they need to be. I didn't like his addicts behaviours but I never stopped loving him. I'm so very glad that we kissed and made up before he died as I don't think I'd have ever forgiven myself for not telling him I loved him, I just hope he knew in those final moments of his sudden unexpected death just how much I love him and forever. Please take comfort in knowing that his death was not intentional.

I never got tired of his hugs, laughter, the smiles, the quick witted retorts, our 'in jokes', him holding me when I was crying, me holding him when he sobbed his heart out over many mistakes and demons past. The fun and laughter, dancing around our living room or kitchen, going out and cutting up the dance floor, nights in the village, walking the dogs, raising our ferrets, him whispering I love you into my hair when I fell asleep on his chest in the nook of his arm, the rows when we'd both stand our ground and then cuddling or cracking up laughing after we'd made up. Snuggling watching favourite programmes together, reading internet forums over shoulders and laughing or crying (or crying laughing sometimes) and generally sharing our lives. He taught me so very much, the list is endless... mainly general 'domestic god' things like how to cook (though it was never as good as his efforts), politics, history, social movements, how to love and unconditionally. 

It so difficult typing this out as there is so much I want to put but I don't even know where to begin with what a hole it's left. I'm getting increasingly desperate to speak with him and the finality is so hard to handle.

Big hugs to you all, love and light. x


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## tripnotyzm

:-( 
Neil man, I want to thank you for the positive footprint that you have left on this planet.
Your kindness and compassion is something that I will forever remember you by.
I want to say a huge heartfelt THANK YOU for being such a supportive figure in the lives of many. 
Words simply cannot express the wide range of emotions that have overcome me.
Looking forward to the day when we are all reunited. 
Love you bro.
Tripnotyzm


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## ad lib

Neil  

I Miss you so much & was thinking about you today. Not a day goes by where I don't think of you.


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## Tripman

Sigh. Seems I only post in the Shrine anymore.

Sepher I really enjoyed your personality and the discussions we had were always enjoyable. I hope you are resting in peace.

.


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## Venrak

Help me out, buddy...


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## Just A Guy

I come back to your shrine a lot, Sepher. I never knew you as Neil. I'm really touched by how you affected so many people. Strangely, I feel a connection to you that I can't explain. We had very similar (and some markedly different) viewpoints on a lot of things, especially the way we experienced to extremes. Peace to you, brother. I hope you are in a good place.


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## Venrak

Fuzzet said:


> Hi all, partner here.
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to post such heart felt messages in tribute of a man who I am proud to have known and changed my life beyond comprehension. I'm glad to know he's been letting some of you also know his spirit is still around and looking out for you. It freaked me out a few times at first, but now I find it comforting. You all must need him more than me at the moment as I've not felt him with me for any length of time for a good few days now. I'm pleased he's looking out for you and that his kindness touched your lives. He is very special to me and it's good to see how many people thought of him as uniquely special too.
> 
> It's taken me all this time, since I broke the news to Herbavore about Sepher's passing on this life, to come here and read this thread. It's had me sobbing, and a couple of smiles of recognition (moose, bumblebees, pervy pics and women's underwear - you've no idea how to explain the size 10 pink lacy pants are his... to a relative!) even now I can't stop the tears as I type. I never thought I'd post here as I was a lurker to make sure he was OK on the quiet, and he knew deep down I was in the background here as he sent me some posts he'd made. In checking in on him, I began following some of your journeys too with their peaks and troughs, silently celebrating your successes and feeling proud for you, knowing Sepher would be there with a post. He was at his best when helping people and sharing information. I'm incredibly proud of him.
> 
> I was his partner of 9 years and have known him for 10 years. Some of the best and worst 10 years of my life which we rode together. I miss him deeply and can't tell you all how privileged to say he was my world. I love him even now and don't really know how I can go on without him. We had some really complicated times and sometimes you give tough love to get someone to where they need to be. I didn't like his addicts behaviours but I never stopped loving him. I'm so very glad that we kissed and made up before he died as I don't think I'd have ever forgiven myself for not telling him I loved him, I just hope he knew in those final moments of his sudden unexpected death just how much I love him and forever. Please take comfort in knowing that his death was not intentional.
> 
> I never got tired of his hugs, laughter, the smiles, the quick witted retorts, our 'in jokes', him holding me when I was crying, me holding him when he sobbed his heart out over many mistakes and demons past. The fun and laughter, dancing around our living room or kitchen, going out and cutting up the dance floor, nights in the village, walking the dogs, raising our ferrets, him whispering I love you into my hair when I fell asleep on his chest in the nook of his arm, the rows when we'd both stand our ground and then cuddling or cracking up laughing after we'd made up. Snuggling watching favourite programmes together, reading internet forums over shoulders and laughing or crying (or crying laughing sometimes) and generally sharing our lives. He taught me so very much, the list is endless... mainly general 'domestic god' things like how to cook (though it was never as good as his efforts), politics, history, social movements, how to love and unconditionally.
> 
> It so difficult typing this out as there is so much I want to put but I don't even know where to begin with what a hole it's left. I'm getting increasingly desperate to speak with him and the finality is so hard to handle.
> 
> Big hugs to you all, love and light. x



Thanks for this... I cannot believe I missed it!

Wishing you the best.


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## ad lib

Last Activity 20-06-2013 18:42

Why?


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## Mela

Really missed you this weekend


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## sconnie420

Wow I just seen this...this is heartbreaking... </3


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## The_Rogue

Hey, Seph; just went through my old PMs: thinking of you, man. Hoping you're at peace.


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## neversickanymore




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## ad lib

Neil 

I saw your thread bumped and couldn't help but say hello


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## Tryptamine*Dreamer

I posted here a while back. I forgot that Sepher was gone. Now I came here and I am crying.
In the other post, I expressed doubt that he still existed, thinking death was the end.
I don't feel that way anymore. I believe that life goes on after death. Sepher is out there somewhere.
Maybe he is in some kind of heavenly place. Maybe he has been reborn somewhere on Earth or maybe some other planet. I just feel deep inside that he is out there somewhere.
Someday we will know where everyone who touched our hearts and souls have gone and someday we will all be together in unity. That is my belief. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel deep down that I am right about this.


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## spork

Thinking of you and missing you.


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## Mariposa

Neil, I so wish you had remained to see the results of what we talked about.  The matter's continued, it should have been concluded by now... everyone here on Earth agrees.

I miss you, my friend, and I hope you will tell my mother, my grandfather and my uncle hello.  I promise I will take care of those of us who are left - even the fallout.


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## BabyGurl3171

Just stumbled upon this today. So sad. We didn't talk a lot but he always had the advice or info I was looking for and he was always making sure u were "safe" doin what u wanted to do. Knowing u'd do it anyway.

RIP fellow BL'er. See u in Heaven!


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## ad lib

I still miss you and think about you. Hope you rang the new year in in style from heaven


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## herbavore

Moose.


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## neversickanymore

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make"

― William Shakespeare

I know your smiling somehwere


----------



## stardust.hero

Oh Neil


----------



## herbavore

Moose.


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## gman2008

AH man last time i messaged him i said i am sure our paths will cross again.....maybe in another life now. He was such help when i needed it. RIP


----------



## ad lib

Neil


----------



## ad lib

*bump*

I know I post in this all the time, but man, I miss you.


----------



## herbavore

^ Hugs to you, addy. So many people miss the Moose. I just got an email from Fuzzet sharing how much she still grieves for him and it broke my heart.


----------



## Mela




----------



## spork

A lot has changed since we spoke last and I'm missing you quite a bit. I wish you were still here.


----------



## herbavore

Miss you and find myself still stuck in denial that you are truly and permanently gone from the lives of so many that loved you and benefited from knowing you. Your kindness was unequaled.


----------



## Mela

Glosoli - Sigur Ros

x


----------



## Mela

Owe you a 'told ya so' 
x


----------



## herbavore

I finally made it over the pond as I told you I would.Your wonderful girlfriend drove all the way from Manchester to meet me and I know what we were both thinking the whole time: Neil should be here. Then we would all be laughing instead of crying. She is as wonderful and lovely as you always said she was, Neil and you turned her life upside down.She brought your favorite builders Tea and your favorite biscuits and we lit some candles and had tea and told stories. We went easily where this takes one--through sadness to guilt to anger and back out the other side to sadness and regret, punctuated by laughter at many of the memories you left us with. Your sense of humor was there with us but it was the whole you we wanted. 



https://flic.kr/p/qqpGLE


----------



## Annie Adderall

https://youtu.be/zbjMEUmwp2o


----------



## Venrak

Hey buddy...

I don't know what to say...i saw this thread pop up in the threads I posted in and just wanted to say hi. And you know this I guess but in case you only have metaphysical access to the internetz, I love you man and miss you. I guess the tears I'm shredding now are for me for those reasons since I know you're way better off right now than any of us.


----------



## clubcard

It's hard knowing what & who caused this.


----------



## roi

Yeah, depression is horrible


----------



## clubcard

I feel guilt in spite of not being part of the cause... I carry guilt like chains, it's slowly killing me.


----------



## aplumgirl

How tragic, we learn to open our hearts to people here and are helped so much that losing someone we never "met" seems so intense! 

I'm a new member and read the shrine out of respect for these who have passed on and for myself. May I respect my life a little more and try to help where I can.


----------



## herbavore

I wish your great big Moose self would go crashing through the world right now, knocking everything in your path spinning into space. You stayed up biting your fingernails over Bush. You should see Trump. You couldn't have believed it. Well, yes you could because you would have already seen Brexit. I miss you, Moose. The world needs clear eyes and sharp minds and gentle, sweet hearts but that same world chews them up and spits them out. I'll never forget the vision I had the night I heard you died. I've only seen a real moose once in my life but suffice it to say that grand and comical beast made quite an impression on my half terrified/half fascinated self as it came crashing through the woods to the pond I had gone to for a bit of needed silence. Getting to know you I could see why that animal spoke to you. Damn, I could use some of your humor right now.


----------



## herbavore

You just would not believe what is going on here on poor old planet earth, Sepher.


----------



## G_Chem

I was just reading some of his posts again today, the guy was truly a class act and I’ve never even talked with the man...  He’ll be missed 

-GC


----------



## herbavore

G_Chem said:


> I was just reading some of his posts again today, the guy was truly a class act and I’ve never even talked with the man...  He’ll be missed
> 
> -GC


He certainly was a class act. I miss his presence in the world so much.


----------

