# I need to tell the story of my dead brother



## complexPHILOSOPHY

Before you continue reading, I must warn you that it will contain graphic details. My brother, Jordan Lee Novak, 19 years old, brother and best friend to me, Trevor Novak, passed away on Sunday, December 21, 2008. I found him dead hanging in his bathroom.

I have to tell this story and if you can handle it, please read it. This is part of my grieving process and bluelight is the first place I decided to come for support external to those who knew my brother.

It was Sunday morning at 3:15 am. I was asleep in my bed, laying with my girlfriend. My phone rang. I woke up and waited for it to stop. It rang again. I thought perhaps my brother was calling me for a ride home from work, or from a bar, or somewhere. I always took my brother where he needed to go. I told him to call me at 3 in the morning if he needed me and that he could call ten times in a row to wake me up and id be there. If I came grumpy, it was only because I was tired but I was glad to be there for him. I told him I loved him everyday and told him I would always help him with anything he needed.

I answered the phone. It was Katie, my brother's ex-girlfriend. It was 3:20 am.

"Hello?" I said.
"Trevor, I think Jordan is going to hurt himself." 
"What? What do you mean."
"He said that he was going to do something and to know that it isn't my fault and that he loves me."
"Okay, let me call him and I will call you back."
I called him several times over the next ten minutes. When I didn't get an answer, I decided to go over there. 

I arrived at his apartment complex, it was 3:40 am. I walked up to his door and knocked.

No answer.

I opened the door and walked in. I saw his bedroom door shut with the lights off, and his roommates door shut with the lights off. I picked up the phone and called Katie.

"I think he is asleep, the doors are shut and the lights are off," I said.
"Trevor, go in there and make sure." 
"He does this all the time, he prolly passed out."
"Go in there and make sure."
"Okay."
I reached for the door. It was locked.

"It's locked."
"Use a credit card, it works all the time."
"Alright, I'll call you right back."
I walked in. It was dark and I saw a lump under the comforter on his bed. I walked over and threw it off the bed. He wasn't under it. I thought perhaps he had gone for a walk as he usually does and would call me for a ride. 

"The door was locked though." These words echoed in my head. I looked around and saw the bathroom door. The light was on and a sheet was hanging over the top. The event was so surreal I didn't quite grasp what was going on. I walked over and looked under the door and saw socks. I reached under and grabbed them and I felt feet. I ran out and banged on his roommates door. I ran back to the bathroom and began punching and kicking around the handle so it would break. I reached my hand through the hole that I made, and unlocked the door.

With my right arm I reached in and grabbed him and held him and with my left hand I opened the door. As the door opened, I felt him fall into my right arm. I lowered him to the floor. I opened the door and he was blocking it. I jumped up through the top because I could wedge it easier and landed over the sink. 

I grabbed him and took the sheet off from his neck. He had small redish-purple marks but there were not any depressions or leisons. His head was fall over like a bobble-head, so I cradled it with my left hand and held his head up straight. I grabbed him and held him and looked at him and kissed him. I screamed at him and screamed and screamed and held him. His roommate called the police. 

We dragged him out and began to perform CPR. 

My brother didn't make it. I am fairly certain he drank himself into a blackout and possibly took pills (but we have not got the toxicology report). I do not think he would have done this had he not blacked out. All of the bad things Jordan always found himself in were a result of blacking out. We always talked about the dangers of it.

He had done this a week prior but I was never made aware. He roommate and girlfriend had found him and slapped him and woke up but when he did it that time, it was for attention. It had tried to kill himself before in the past even as a teenager but it was always in a way that seemed like it was for attention. He told his roommate and friend not to tell me because he knew I would worry. If they had told me before, I would been there with the doors knocked down in five minutes.

But I do not think that would have saved him.

There was a Darkness calling his name. It was echoing inside. Inviting him, calling him, begging him. It resonated. He faught it as long as he could and as hard as he could but the Darkness finally took him from me. I was fighting so hard to protect him. I was fighting against the Darkness. I knew it existed and I was doing my best to destroy it but it is hard to destroy in other people. Only they can win the battle on their own.

Every five seconds I see my brother falling from the door into my arms. I see his feet under the door. I can feel them in my hands still. I can feel his body in my arms. I can still smell his cologne. It smelled good when he died in my arms. He look asleep, I thought he was only asleep. He was warm. I still feel his heat, and I feel his hair in my hand as I held his head.

Tell your brother or sister or mother or father or friend or enemy you love them, because you never know when they might not be there the next day.

There have been over 100 different people come through our house, crying, collapsing and dying inside. There are a lot of people here in this house, together, who normally, would have not been caught dead with each other.

I know if my brother were able to talk to me in my ear about what was going on, he would tell me to get them the fuck out of the house. 

But you don't get a say in this one Jordan. Not this time man.

I am at peace because I told him I loved him everyday and I was ALWAYS there for him. He knew I was. He always told people to call me if they needed help with Jordan and they usually did. 

I am at peace because I kicked that fucking door in and I pulled him down and I held him and I loved him and I tried to save his life. He didn't stay there all night. He didn't stay there for a day or two days. He stayed only long enough and I got there to be with him at the end of it all I can feel like even though I didn't protect him, I rescued him. He died in the arms of his brother and I truly think he would have wanted it that way. 

I love you Jordan.


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## tobala

Trevor, what words could I say that could assuage this terrible thing? All I have is the empathy from my heart to yours...


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## chucky1432

Damn, I feel for you, "My prayers will be with you and your family for the holidays"  Thanks for sharing!!!


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## vortex30

Your story produced tears in my eyes. I haven't cried over another person's suffering in a long, long time, possibly never. I'm really sorry man, you seem to be coping decently, man, you already seem to know this, but you did fucking good. You're what every brother should be, man, I dunno what to say. Condolences, ya know, but more than that, I'm just really sorry. In a way, thank you for sharing, it reminds me that there is more I can do for the people that mean a lot to me. You will make a great role model for your children when they come, that or you're already being a great father.

RIP Jordan.


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## claire22

thats awful, you are in my prayers soon the fog will clear and you will see the beauty in life again, so sorry for your loss.
xx claire.


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## lollerskater

There is no pain like the loss of a sibling.  My prayers are with you.


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## The Chemist

there are no words for me to say to tell you how i feel about this.
for your loss, "sorry" just doesn't cut it.
i grieve with you, and pray for you and your family in this difficult time.

RIP Jordan Novak


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## n3ophy7e

I'm so sorry for your loss. But I'm glad you have the peace of knowing that he knew that you loved him so much, and you did everything you could. And you know that he's not hurting any more. Many condolences to you and your family  

R.I.P Jordan


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## Damien

Dude, I'm so sorry.


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## Cornishman

I'm ever so sorry to hear this deeply tragic news. 
You have my condolences.


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## Contemporarium

That's good that you're at peace with yourself. Most people blame themselves no matter how much it doesn't make sense. You're a good man to be able to know that you did all you could and that you were a good brother throughout all of this.


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## Lysis

complex, I am sooo sorry.  For every story I read on this forum, I'm reminded of the horror of finding out your loved one is dead.  I too have nightmares and visions and the view of my BF blue in his bed and already going through lividity and rigor mortis haunt me.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.  Your story made me cry.


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## drug_wench

trevor, u write well
its an emotional time of yr and uve lost someone dear to u
believe me i am shedding tears after reading that, and ur family and jordans other loved ones will b in my prayers, esp over xmas
ive never lost a close family member but i hav lost many friends and a special bf, like lysis did
to a degree i feel ur pain
if u want to talk any further, plz do not hesitate to PM me


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## zzITCHY420zz

may he rest in peace..


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## Mariposa

I also cried reading this.    I hope your brother finds in death the peace that eluded him in life.

*hugs*


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## wingnutlives

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm glad that you told him you loved him every day. I know it's not the same, but when my family's dog died I knew shortly beforehand that it was going to happen. I talked to her and told her that she'd lived a good life, that she had brought light into the world and that she would be taken care of wherever she went afterwards. I think it's important to talk to animals and people about that before they die, but you can even talk to his soul after he dies and let him know similar things. I think it brings comfort to both souls.


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## PoOkIeHeAd

Tragic and heartbreaking


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## complexPHILOSOPHY

Pillthrill said:


> I could have cried.
> As a person who has be seriously thinking about suicide lately...I didn't think it would be that traumatic. I don't know who would find me. If it was my mother, with her mom having cancer and her brother just dying...my lil brother, only 18 heading in to college...
> I was unaware of the horror of the pain and flashbacks.
> I always said I would post a note not to go in, just call 911 cause its already too late. But I doubt they would listen...
> 
> I'm so so so sorry for your loss and your pain. It doesn't ease my pain, but it really does make me think about what could happen. I could pretty much destroy someone's life cause them pain, because I was in pain.
> 
> I'm sorry this has been so much about me. It was just a wake up call. I'll be re-reading this post I'm sure.
> 
> I hope you find some peace.



We had one of his friends, Timmy here with us last night. Jordan had recently saved Timmy from trying to commit suicide and Timmy was so grateful for Jordan saving him and helping him stay strong. Timmy always went to save Jordan when he got too drunk somewhere, or needed a friend.

The fact that the person who saved him and made him want to live, is now the same person who has killed himself. That is scaring me.

I am afraid seeing this might not ease that darkness forever and that it will only be a stopgap measure. I am afraid that Timmy might ultimately do this to himself. 

Please do not ever fucking try to kill yourself because you are going to really fuck some people up badly.

*Thank you for your support. My Mom stumbled upon my post here on her computer and printed it off. We have had over 100 different friends of Jordan here, and quite a few haven't left the house since Sunday. The stories and words you offer help a lot. I love you guys.*


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## xxkcxx

Thank you for posting this.  I think some good can come out of it because a lot of people here think that suicide might be the only way out of their problems and addiction and they forget to how selfish suicide can be when you consider how your family and friends will feel.

I'll keep you and your family and Jordan in my thoughts.


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## Libby

I only read the first paragraph then told myself I am too sensitive to read this and so i stopped, but nonetheless wanted to give this
*hug*


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## B9

cP , words fail me, I'm terribly sorry for your loss.


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## starEkstasis

hiya trevor - thank u for sharing ur loss & grieving with us on bluelight we are honoured to be with you and the 100 friends gosh Jordan surely was popular and loved! i think its amazing even in his own pain and loss and unsurety of where he was he cud still reach out and help another equally or more lost that surely is the mark of an Angel! im real glad u can feel peace and fulfillment that u helped and loved him and he knew and died knowing u loved him as much as u possibly cud; please try not to worry too much over everyone as i feel u knew he loved u and that he is somehow overseeing you all and checking now that u are all ok - at last he can be UR guardian angel, love Star xx


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## white_magic

complexPHILOSOPHY said:


> There was a Darkness calling his name. It was echoing inside. Inviting him, calling him, begging him. It resonated. He faught it as long as he could and as hard as he could but the Darkness finally took him from me. I was fighting so hard to protect him. I was fighting against the Darkness. I knew it existed and I was doing my best to destroy it but it is hard to destroy in other people. Only they can win the battle on their own.



This really sums it up well. You try to do everything for your loved ones.. and at the end it boils down to them being able to pull it through on their own. You can't be there 100% of the time to save the day.
I also lost my brother (age 20) to drugs this year. It's the most terrible experience possible. Stay strong, friend!


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## Care

im at a loss for words.


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## Mariposa

Trevor, if this provides any small shred of consolation, and though I cannot go into the details, I have personal knowledge that your having shared Jordan's story has saved at least one life.  My immense thanks on their behalf, and my continued hope that your grief will subside in time.


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## youarewhatyouis

hey Trevor

I truly believe that those who die young are like angels. They live and die so they can teach us many valuable lessons. The most important lesson they teach us is that life itself is fragile and impermenant.

I know that everyone who reads your post will hug their siblings a little bit harder the next time they get a chance. And thats the best thing in the world that any of us can do: love and be loved.


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## complexPHILOSOPHY

I am so touched by all of this. We have printed and copied hundreds of copies of the story and we are going to have it at the memorial today. We are also putting the link to this forum so everyone can come and try to create some good out of this horrible tragic event.

We are filming the memorial. My brother was a Deadhead who loved dreads. We have 18 people speaking, a soundtrack you will never hear at a funeral and the most unorthodox ceremony.

Because this is what he wanted. He talked about his death a lot and the things he would want done. We are doing most of them.

I am going to have a website with full footage of the video availabe so that everyone can share in the memorial and at least get to understand who my brother was. He was an amazing person despite the silly mistakes he made in life.

I am grateful for you guys here. This has been great. My mom and family and friends have found so much solace in knowing that we have helped and will hopefully continue to help those in need.

Thank you my family, I love you.


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## stonerfromohio

That brough tears to my eyes, I dont feel theres anything I can say to heal the pain but your in my thoughts and prayers.  I can never imagine the pain you've felt from this event, keep your head up bro nobody could ask for a better brother.  There are a lot of caring and strong people on bluelight and I know that everyones sending their positive vibrations.


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## drug_wench

tho of course many gd ppl die old, there is a song by iron maiden that ive always liked called 'only the good die young'
ur brother sounds like he was a gd person, loved by many, and if u r going to b making a tribute video about him, it wud b great if u cud provide a link - i wud certainly watch it
many truly gd ppl make mistakes, and although im not sure entirely wat i believe happens to us after we die, i hope that jordan is in a gd place now


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## bbell

Pillthrill said:


> I could have cried.
> As a person who has be seriously thinking about suicide lately...I didn't think it would be that traumatic. I don't know who would find me. If it was my mother, with her mom having cancer and her brother just dying...my lil brother, only 18 heading in to college...
> I was unaware of the horror of the pain and flashbacks.
> I always said I would post a note not to go in, just call 911 cause its already too late. But I doubt they would listen...
> 
> I'm so so so sorry for your loss and your pain. It doesn't ease my pain, but it really does make me think about what could happen. I could pretty much destroy someone's life cause them pain, because I was in pain.
> 
> I'm sorry this has been so much about me. It was just a wake up call. I'll be re-reading this post I'm sure.
> 
> I hope you find some peace.



Pillthrill, Every one is stronger than they think. I pray You can pull yourself out of your Darkness.  Every one deals differently with there own inner battles dont stop trying.


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## Jamshyd

Wow, I am overtaken by sadness reading this. I cannot imagine how you might feel. All I can give you is Love and support . 

Jordan rests in peace.


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## mellowfellow420

Sometimes i think about that but would never actually act on it (at least i hope not)..but this really makes me think twice

kinda makes me wish i had a brother..(got a lil sister, not the same; not that close to my parents)

RIP Jordan Novak...


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## Bomboclat

I'm not the type of person to just cry
in fact crying is something you'll rarely see me do

but this brought me to tears

it hit close to home and all i can say is I'm sorry.
stay strong and just remember him for the life he had
and how he loved you.


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## dumbdrunk

trevor,  i'm at a loss for words, you truly are your brothers keeper and i am so sorry for your loss. stay strong with the knowledge that you we're always there for jordan and that you have touched the hearts of many of your fellow bluelighters. bless you and yours in such a time of loss. stay strong.


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## ratgirl

Man, I'm sorry.  I lost someone the exact same way.  You sound like you were a wonderful, caring brother.  And, as you said, your brother knew you loved him.  Try to take comfort in that.  My thoughts are with you.  As another BL'er said, I will be reading this post again, when ever I feel the "darkness" and feel like doing something like that.  You do write beautifully, especially given what you were writing about.  Thank you for posting this.  For many reasons, but especially this:



complexPHILOSOPHY said:


> Tell your brother or sister or mother or father or friend or enemy you love them, because you never know when they might not be there the next day.



*Truer words were never spoken*.  Thank you for reminding me/us of this.  My thoughts are with you.


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## stellablue

This thread has really made a great deal of difference in ways of seeing what happened to my loved ones, and with my own grieving. I really want to be where you are complexPHILOSOPHY, with being at peace. I feel like I am there at times and then it hits me really hard other times. I really miss the ones I have lost, but have never been able to say goodbye to what they were to me. Things we did together still burn in my thoughts as I lay dormant at night. I can never let go of the smell of his cologne, if I smell it, it is like he is beside me. I can smell him. I don't know why loss can be so cruel and painful. Sometimes I feel as if breathing is hard to do because my chest is on fire with thoughts of things I can not change. They are gone forever, no matter what we do now. So with this I am still just at a loss of what I truly need to move forward. Knowing that I loved them so much, and when they died the love we shared remains and what do we do with it. Memories of laughing, crying, and growing together now filled with regret. It is a cross I still try to bare, but I am so tired of carrying it with me, I want to be able to be at peace. I wished that came easier to me.


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## oh-pana321

damn man.. im sorry about your loss but im happy that your at peace.. ill be praying for you man, and for everyone else thats affected by his death.


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## kytnism

peace, love and light to you and your family during this difficult time. 

be sure to take care of one another.

r.i.p jordan



...kytnism...


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## drugfukkdrockstar

I am very overwhelmed with sadness and tears after reading this thread. I think you are a very strong and wise person complexPHILOSOPHY, you are dealing with this so incredibly well and productive. I have a lot of respect for you opening up and really dealing with your brothers death head on, like a true fighter. Words can not explain how hard this must be for you and your family. Stay strong!


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## jpgrdnr

It gives one pause about the importance of living a good life, through the memory of the ones we have lost. Life is very precious and the echoes of the voices of those that are gone ring out, that the hardship, turmoil and sadness is worth it to catch a simple glimpse of Beauty.

And for those that have passed we thank them for showing it us, in memory.


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## Cosmic Charlie

Im so sorry for your loss Trevor , My heart goes out to you and your family.


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## gumster

Care said:


> im at a loss for words.



I agree. There are no words. I know. I want you to know you can always email me or PM me and we can talk. I really really don't mean to sound like "me too!!" "me too!!" but on Dec. 7th one year ago my brother, 20 years old, died from high dose abrupt xanax w/d. I never knew he was abusing them like that. 

You are fortunate you got to talk to your brother everyday. My brother and I had a big falling out one and a half years before he died. We never spoke again. That makes it hard but what I empathize with you on is the true sadness and that is the fact that these deaths are preventable, they did not HAVE to happen. 

That is what kills me...that and the fact that he wouldn't stop shooting dope and abusing massive amounts of dope and ended up being an informant, which is why I quit speaking to him, but you have to understand he was a good person inside...his life got so far off track that it crashed and burned. 

I don't mean to go on about my problems, I just wanted you to know that I understand, or at least can relate I think in some way, to your pain. If your parents are anything like mine then you know how much harder it is watching them, and other siblings if you have them, go through it. I remember my other brother and I awaiting pall bearer duty after the priest ended his Irish shouting about hellfire, not really but....catholic, and I just remember us both saying to each other "I might puke"...crazy. 

I can tell you that you won't remember a lot of this initial stuff and events in just a few months...and not due to drugs or anything, you just can't remember it...I don't remember Dec - July of 2007-2008.  I mean I remember things, but not much and the farther back to the date I get the less clear things are. 

About people who would never be in your house being there...the guy that I and my brother hated, who pulled my own gun on me while drunk, him not me, I don't drink, and it was loaded with a hair trigger/short firing pin, he gave the fucking eulogy and catered the diner afterwords!!!!!! No one told me of course, I would never have allowed it..but there he was....talking like I give a damn about what he has to say about Patrick. Weird how the ones who would never be there show up. 

Lastly I will say to PM me anytime and we can talk if you want. Take it easy and just know that many other families have to go through this unnecessary untimely death of a loved one.


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## econ 2

RIP Jordan Novak

Try to keep your head up man..


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## NeoMeeko

I just came across this post and wanted to express my sincere heartache for you... I hope you, your family, and you and your brothers friends are healing as well as you can.

I also truly hope your brothers demons are gone and he is at peace, and within time, I hope those closest to him come to peace as well.  **hugs**


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## laurengotdatfire

I am truly crying right now from reading your story. I do not know how I would be able to handle what happened to you, and I am praying for you and your brother especially. And your family and all those affected by your brother's passing. I'm speaking from my heart when I say that there are much better things out there than this world and wherever his energy went is much more beautiful than here. He is at peace and he isn't tricked by the "love" and "happiness" of this world. He is finally free. Do not mourn for him, celebrate his life lived. You are a very strong person dealing with all of this and my condolenses and *love* go out to you and your family.  feel free to pm me if you need anyone to talk to I was very touched by your story and channeled your sadness.


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## Khadijah

Fuck thats such a terrible thing to hear. I know this is kind of a late response but i wanted to post. Your story means alot to me becuz my brother in law who I loved so much killed himself last year. He OD'd on his meds and went to sleep with a samurai sword laid on his chest holding it. thats wat let me know he did it on purpose. He locked his door and used to stay upstairs for days at a time not coming down. He would be quiet and keep to himself alot, he was very depressed. so when we didnt see him for a few days we didnt think nothing of it. Then finally my man went up to check on him and found him. he had been dead a few days. Its a horrible fucking thing. my heart hurts so bad inside thinking about it. i miss him so much and i wish i could of took his pain away becuz he was always suffering so much physically and mentally. its just like you said about your brother. The darkness is strong yo. It really is and its so hard to fight especially in others. you can only do your best and give it your all becuz it is out of your hands no matter how hard you wish and wish you coulda did something more. you just cant get thru sometimes. I feel for you brother and I will keep you n jordan in my thoughts. i dont know you but i can relate to your story so much and want you to kno that you aint alone in wat youre goin thru and i dont kno wat you believe but i do believe totally and completely that when our loved ones go they are in a better place. I know that my brother in law rick is OK because a few days after he passed I had a dream about him. I called my mans house and his brother answered. i was shocked that he picked up becuz he was dead and how could he answer the phone. i asked him how he was and he said to tell everyone that he is OK and not to worry. I believe that 100% he appeared in that dream to me to let me know that he was all right and made it to the other side. I know your brother is there as well. Much love my friend.


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## complexPHILOSOPHY

This is getting worse for me. I have been put on short-term mental disability leave from work. I feel like I am losing my mind. My typical day always somehow involved Jordan, whether it was me calling him on my break at work to see what was up, or calling him when I got off to see if he needed a ride to work or wanted to hang out. I do not know what to do. I cry so much, I am so lost now. This all feels so surreal still. Tomorrow will be one month since his death. February 21, 2009 will be his birthday and the two month anniversary. I hear him all the time and see him in distorted poses like I found him. I have moments where I lose sight of the entire thing and I am okay for a moment. I have been having panic attacks and sometimes I dissociate and really lose grasp of reality. I have a mandatory appointed Clinical Social Worker, who is an idiot, and a fantastic therapist who used to see my brother (when my brother was around 13 and 14). I am in safe hands in case I really start to lose it, so you do not have to worry about me. The only problem is the both know as well as I know, nothing is going to ease this insanity. I sleep with his ashes. They are inside a beautiful wooden house with a tea light inside, and hearts carved out of the sides and an intricate dream catcher carved out of the front, where you view the candle. He eats with me and watches tv with me. I know he isn't there. I remember kissing his dead face, mouth agape, eyes sunken in and rolled back, his neck completely limp. Hugging his just-dead warm body and smelling his cologne. It plagues my mind, even if just in the background. When I try to reconstruct conversations with him, I see those images of how he looked when he was hanging on the door. He speaks to me like I want him to speak but doesn't always look the way I want him to look. Now he is just some ashes in a wooden box. I don't understand it.


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## n3ophy7e

I'm so sorry Trevor  
I really hope it starts to get easier for you soon.
You have my love and best wishes


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## Pengwin

Be strong Trevor for yourself and Jordan. I'm sure thats what he wants for you to do and im sure that he thanks you for everything you did for him and all the love you gave him. I'm sure he loves you just as much and never meant to hurt you


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## Big_Blue

My heart goes out to you man.

My father died in a similar way.It haunts me to this day how he died alone.. i never got to say goodbye damnit.

im sure wherever your bro's soul is now that he still loves you and wantes to say goodbye properly.


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## Black Ice

It's undoubtly hard to go through the death of a loved one, and by the things I read, it's harder when it's a suicide.

But at least he's at peace now and doesn't have to go through the darkness he's been going for all this time


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## andreas

fear not the other side for Earth is your egg and never constructed to last forever...be strong and don't blame yourself, in time the pain will ease, I have seen people do this very thing before, it's just so hard to understand


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## JennaHermosaCA

My whole dad's side are alcoholics and my dad died a horrible death due to alcohol. Everyone else went to jail for DUI Uncle is in county `120 days, cousin is in prison, and these are all educated "successful" People. I am dying too. Switching from one drug to another I have no life. I'm sorry for you. I feel like killing myself all the time, but I hang on to this hope that someday it will stop. The chaos has been unreal. Addiction is worse than any disease IMO. You feel so out of control. Hate yourself, lose your life, career, family...I just ask God why?? And there are no answers.


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## gsta4lyfe

R.I.P. Jordan


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## longislandny

I just read this story and it really affected me , I have two younger brothers and a younger sister and love them dearly , I wouldn't know what to do if something happened to them ..... My heart sincerely goes out to you man , I hope time has patched some of these wounds ..... Godbless your brothers soul


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## complexPHILOSOPHY

I appreciate the support that all of my bluelighters have shown me over this past year, it really means a lot. Bluelight has helped me try to apprehend this entire experience. I have always wanted to post the eulogy that I wrote and read at my brother's memorial service (he had over 700 people in attendence), so I decided that I finally would. Sorry of it is kind of long - I figured these were my last words to him (to his face at least) so I should put my mind and heart into it. My brother was a dead head, and loved to blaze so I thought I should be in the right mindset not only when I wrote this, but also when I read it. It was definitely the most intense, surreal, and dreamlike high that I have ever had.

*These were the final words that I spoke at my brother's memorial service:*

We are all gathered here today, united and unified, to mourn the loss of our beloved, Jordan Lee Novak. He was The Grand Architect of Dreams who was desperately searching for a way to engineer them; to realize that he was bright enough, brilliant enough, charming enough, beautiful enough, and special enough to discover how open the World really was for him. I have two separate pieces that I am going to read for everyone. The first is going to be from my mind; it is abstract and in my own words, so I ask that you please listen carefully. The second is going to be from my heart so I ask that you please open yours so that we can all forge a common connection.

An astonishing and rather remarkable exploration into the nature of the Universe is one which reveals to us our inability to correlate all its contents. Dissociated parcels of knowledge vanish behind veils of perception and emerge only momentarily to invite curiosity. Therein, one discovers the essence of Humanity which has hitherto, strained in an infinite series of misdirection. We live on a tiny rock, in the middle of a vast cosmic ocean standing abreast atop the only known island of civilization, where we silently reside within. Therefore, those exotic elements of the human experience, those inapprehensible things and events that confound imagination are sometimes all too difficult to describe. The mind, in all its elegance and beauty, in all its magnificence and grandeur, can be as frail and fragile as the thinnest sheet of ice. When it glimpses into those inextricable and frightful vistas of reality wherein one cannot discern between their perception of reality and what reality ought to be, then the mind shall find itself maddened from terrifying dreams and distorted nightmares or awestruck by the wonders of illusion and the delusion of majesty. 

There was an eerie silence haunting the depths of my nearly abandoned soul that night. A deep shade of red light was shining about the face of the moon, reflecting a devilish chill down the narrows of my spine. I know there was some series of scientific reasons describing the conditions of that particular night, but it didn’t capture the psychological torment that the mind can generate. It can distort the most general environment into a dark obscurity, blurring the line between which is truly real and that which is merely masquerading behind a false guise. The stability of Jordan’s mind was plummeting off the proverbial deep end, into an endless abyss of undiscovered territory. It was inviting him. Oh, how it invited him, tempting him, promising him that the voices would be silenced. It promised that the images would fade away into The Darkness. The echoes of his name resonated from within The Darkness, embracing his great decline with a darling smile. The fall was not straight down however; it would bend, twist, loop and shift. The images, the sounds, the thoughts; he felt the grip of The Darkness tightening around his fragile soul. The essence of the soul dissipates with each squeeze, slowly destroying what used to be a conscience. 

Even now, shadows dance on the horizon of the night sky, wearing the faces of the innocent One, Jordan. His eyes peering back into mine, reading my heart. They say that eyes are the gateway to the soul. If I could show you what I see, you would find that notion to be truer than you could ever imagine. The landscape of my mind is forever changed; a dejected sanctuary transformed from a rational mind, into an inescapable nightmare. 

The frozen light reflects the ghostly identity of the dying, distant night sky. A phantom emerged out of this Ethereal Sea of Unyielding Despair; a reservoir concealed deep within the hollows of his mind, reflecting the abhorrence and consternation of his experience with the World. These ghastly images have crystallized into interactive memories, emerging as an inexplicable, interconnected network; transcendent beyond time itself, projecting the terror in my mind onto the dark space in front of my eyes. His tragedy has shaken the fragile structure of humanity

But that isn’t the end. Despite the dark, macabre illustration of this entire thing, a glimmer of light has started to shine through. Even though we have lost one of the most amazing people that I have ever met, we have all come together, stronger and better than we ever were before, and Jordan will live on as a legacy in our hearts in minds. This story has already saved the life of at least two people and we should all find some solace and comfort in that. 

This second piece is from my heart, so let us all open ours. I remember growing with Jordan, always making each other laugh. We would always play together with legos, and video games, actions figures and sports. We played imaginary games such as: World War II, Viet Nam, Power Rangers, and WWF Wrestling on the trampoline. When we shared a room and had bunk beds, he would ask if he could “come over and spend the night,” which meant, “can I sleep with you in your bed tonight,” When he slept with me in my bed we would build blanket domes. We would pretend we were on other planets together and we would make up fantastic stories to tell each other. We isolated ourselves into The Brother Realm, where only we existed at the time. I remember playing video games with my dad, Steve Novak and Jordan; we would hang out and watch movies together. We would tell jokes and stories. Dad, Jordan and I had a lot of fun together. It was just the guys. A dad and his boys, happy, smiling, and playing together. Jordan always loved hanging out with Dad, especially as we grew up and we could all better understand each other. We loved to sit around and tell stories about the times that Jordan, Dad and I hung out and how much joy it brought to our lives.

I remember Jordan and I visiting and living with our Aunt Lynn and Uncle Brandon. Going to museums with them. Playing in their house, meeting their friends. I remember Brandon and Lynn treating us like their own kids. I remember Zeke, Jordan, Drake and I growing up at Nana’s house, playing the backyard and the playroom. Jordan always made sure we had fun. 

Jordan showed me a lot of music. He showed me a lot of movies. He showed me a lot. He shared a lot with me. We loved each other. Even when I was with Jordan, I found myself telling endless stories about him. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night, wondering what my brother was doing and if he needed a ride home. I always made sure to pick him up no matter where he was and no matter what time it was. I gave him anything and everything he wanted. I made sure he was taken care of. I was there for him always. I always told him to call me no matter what. 

That kid was always there for me. He always felt like he had do things for me, because he knew how much it meant to me to see him succeed. I got so much damn joy out of helping take care of that kid. He would do anything for you, all you had to do was ask.

This is a network here. All of us in one way or another, dedicated ourselves to ensuring Jordan was safe, protected, and guided down the right path. 

Godspeed to you Jordan. My brother and best friend. Godspeed to you as you traverse the Universe. Godspeed to you as you build and design our dreams and guide us through your memory. 

I love you Jordan and I will forever miss your face, smiles, laughs, hugs and kisses.


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## ~*geNeRaTiOn E*~

i am so sorry 

those 2 pieces you wrote are absolutely beautiful, despite their dark nature.   

rip jordan


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## complexPHILOSOPHY

~*geNeRaTiOn E*~ said:


> i am so sorry
> 
> those 2 pieces you wrote are absolutely beautiful, despite their dark nature.
> 
> rip jordan



It was a dark time, and I didn't want the people there to forget what it felt like, and hopefully, if they ever found themselves peering over the horizon into that dark abyss, the feelings that emerged during those days following my brother's suicide would reveal themselves and perhaps that pain might change their minds. It was also my way of telling him in my own words what he did to me, and to everybody around him. As much as I love him, I have to be honest with myself, both intellectually and emotionally, and I have make certain I never forget that night. 

However, my intention to hopefully deter other people from committing suicide by describing what I went through, and what he must have felt, failed. 

On March 27, 2009, three months after my brother hung himself, my fiance's mother committed suicide by purposely overdosing on morphine. While my brother did not leave any notes except for a note I later discovered in his cell phone which simply said, "Goodbye," her mother left several notes. I had to go through them before their family could read them, because her mother had issues with depression and bi polar disorder, and I didn't want their last memories to be hurtful words from her. I burned three of the four letters with their permission (which I often wonder if I should have just hidden them until they were healed enough to read them but I was so dissociated and disconnected and suffering from flashbacks that I couldn't form a cogent thought sequence). They were very mean and horrible. The fourth letter was written when she was peaking on morphine, and it was pleasant and comforting (well inasmuch as it can be after your mother kills herself), so I decided they should read that one. 

When my brother died, we had 700 rubber bracelets made (like the Lance Armstrong ones), which read, "R.I.P. Jordan Novak, SUICIDE SUCKS!" When her mother killed herself, she was wearing the bracelet. When my fiance told her mother what happened when my brother died, she cried and wrote me a letter about how much pain I must be in. She seemed to empathize with me. I can only assume that when you make the final decision to kill yourself (and I do not have experience with this so if anybody can explain this mindset to me, I would appreciate it), you do not consider those things, or perhaps you do but you do not have any positive emotional response to them because it didn't seem to have an effect on her.


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## jewbyrd

Sorry for your loss man. lost one to 17 yrs ago.to wrapped up in my own life to save mine..


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## my innerself

Your story makes me feel very sad, I'm sorry for your loss. I suffer from severe depression and your story has tought me about how much pain suicide can cause the people who love you. Thank you for sharing.


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## pigpen1968

Hang tough Trevor. His pain is in the wind now.


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## jones-in_J

This was so sad and as a grown man i dont like admitting when something brings tears to my eyes but this did undeniably...

It also really upsets me because i feel like the pain you feel... although yours is of course a lot greater since i havent died yet... is similr to the pain ive caused my family thru my heroin addiction. But yesterday was my first day clean in a while and im sticking with it this time

Sorry but this isnt about me its about you. I really feel for your loss man im so sorry....


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## lbaxter17

These are beautiful words.

I found my brother last month (November 19th) where he had hung himself with his belt.  I took him down and tried to revive him but he had been dead an hour.  For me it was so strange because I just left him 3 hours before that and he was fine.

I'm glad you find peace.  Keep your brother in your heart and find a way to carry him.


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## roxytootinnobootin

R.I.P Jordan N.!!!!


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## cj

Powerful got a little teary eyed.


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## pirates_

This story hit me because i have that same darkness inside me and at times i feel as if im lpsing the battle for a second it felt like i was reading summpin my bro wrote. Tears did escape


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