# Please keep Fairnymph in your thoughts and prayers (RIP Ryan)



## sonic

I recently have discovered the disheartening news that Fairnymph's husband/dear friend of mine has overdosed and things are really not looking good at all right now. He was found Wednesday morning and has been unconscious ever since. He is still in critical condition at the hospital. Please keep him, Fairnymph, and his loved ones in your thoughts and prayers. :'(

I am happy to have known him for as long as I have, and to have had such a close friendship with him. He's an incredibly good guy and an absolute genius. He used his knowledge to help cure disease and he is an asset to the world in general. The world will never be the same without him. Please pray that he pulls through and show support any way that you can.

Please do not ask for more specific details, I or anyone else can not provide you with them.


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## Finder

Oh, man. 

My heart goes out to you, Julia. You two will be in my thoughts.


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## sonic

Please temporarily make this thread sticky, or put is somewhere prominent. As many people as possible need to see this.


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## AmorRoark

::Julia:: and her family

Seth wishes to send his condolences as well.


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## Mariposa

Ryan and Julia are two of the first people I met in California, and I am hoping and sending the best to them and both their families at this incredibly uncertain time.

Blessings and optimism,

Jillian


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## Beatlebot

I'm wishing you the best of luck


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## junglejuice

Ohhhhh my god

Julia I'm so sorry


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## buzzy

fuck  if theres anything you need let us know.


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## DarthMom

i am so incredibly sorry. i can't imagine what you are going through. my thoughts are with you fairnymph and your family


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## mariacallas

wow   I'll be praying for you Julia and your hubby......be strong.


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## getreal

I'm very sorry for this ordeal.  You and he will be in my prayers.


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## rhythmdaddy

I'll be thinking of you in this hard time.

Stay strong, and with your family and friends.


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## ChemicalBeauty

God Bless both of you.


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## schmangle

Fairnymph, sending you all my best wishes and hopes, you're in my universal prayers


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## Johnny1

Julia, I'm so sorry to hear about this.  You're both in my thoughts and prayers.  I really hope he gets better.


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## MazDan

All the best fairnymph.............thoughts are with you.


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## syymphonatic

a lot of people care about you here and are behind you with support. best wishes and luck to you and your family, i'll keep you guys in my thoughts.


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## purplefirefly

He was one of the smartest people I have ever been blessed to know. It breaks my heart that such a tragic thing has happened to such a wonderful person. 

I keep praying to god that he will pull through...he just has to pull through. Julia needs him as does the rest of the world.


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## Schmacky

You all with be in our thoughts and prayers...and we look forward to hearing good news.


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## Dancing_Princess

Julia you and your hubby will be in my thoughts and prayers!!!


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## stellablue

Dear Julia, I really felt some old feelings come back for when this same thing happened to me in 1998 with my husband may he rest in peace. Even though it is unsure how things will go, keep your strength up and my prayers are with you. Please, if you want to talk WHENEVER I am here.


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## L2R

Be strong FN. All my most positive wishes are with you.


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## randycaver

i hope to god he pulls through and makes a full recovery.


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## plurMONSTER

I really hope everything works out and he pulls through.

I know that everyone who knows you and Ryan are keeping you two in our thoughts and prayers.

-Aaron


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## Infinite Jest

.

Good luck man. Hope you make a full recovery.


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## Crow

Be strong Julia.  Your family will be in my thoughts.


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## goatofthenever

I hope it all turns out ok, pull through.


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## Bi KaNd*E* RaVeR

*sending good vibes*


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## New

I wish for the best.

And I hope for the best for you two.


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## Mehm

MASSIVE LOVE for both of you.

please give Ryan a hug for me


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## Pander Bear

Thinking of you


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## Meeko Baybee

I hope everything turns out okay. All my thoughts and prayers are headed your way


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## rm-rf

is any more information available as to the circumstances that led to this? or is that to be left amongst the individuals involved? In either way, critical condition is a serious matter regardless of the pathway that led there, and I pray for healing.


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## glitterbizkit

I hope everything turns out for the best.. Meanwhile you're both in my prayers..


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## Jabberwocky

fuck!


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## badboybrian

definitely in my thoughts and prayers.


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## SA

Damn, I only just came in the Lounge and saw this. So sorry to hear this, fairnymph. Our thoughts are with you.

((()))


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## QuestionEverything

Stay strong, thoughts are with you.


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## Fawkes

Oh my... My thoughts are with you FN. Please take care.


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## zephyr

I dont know what to say- this is just devastating.



Julia....


Oh God no.


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## DocHolliday

My thoughts are with you Julia.

As of late I have been silent just taking in the lounge gossip, jokes and nudie threads but this really pulled me out to at least say that I am hoping things turn for the better.

I have no idea what condition you both are in at this very moment but I am wishing the best.

///stay strong for yourself and us///

~D


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## atri

ill keep you in my prayers


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## Odin

I hope all works out for the best. I'm very sorry to read about this. 

best wishes
~O


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## spork

Such a good guy. I feel honored to have been able to meet him.

((((Julia))))


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## randycaver

as do I.


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## fairnymph

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Here is an update on the situation.

From a post I made 24 hours ago (12 am Wed night/Thur morning) on my lj:

Not long after I posted my most recent post, I showered; when I got out, I found my husband lying unconscious on the ground, cyanotic (totally blue in lips and fingernails), unresponsive, barely a pulse, barely or possibly not at all breathing. Later I was to find an uncapped syringe, a length of rubber tubing, and an empty, unlabeled vial which I believe contained alpha methyl fentanyl.

I called 911, at 3:24 am. I had to drag his body several feet because he had collapsed in front of the entrance to our apartment. I do not know cpr and my attempts did not have much effect (neither did the parademedics', when they arrived).

He had a heart attack in the ambulance. His lungs have completely failed; he is on a ventilator but still not getting enough oxygen into his bloodstream. His heart has sustainted considerable damage; his blood pressure is very low (80/60) and his heart rate is too high (was 130, currently more like 140). He aspirated (vomit got into his lungs) and as a result he is believed to have pneumonia as evidenced by his high fever (was over 104, now 101-102).

In the nearly 24 hours that have elapsed, he has not improved, and if anything, appears to be detoriating. He may have been oxygen deprived for up to 30 minutes. If his body recovers, it will be a miracle if he is not siginficantly brain damaged. But I do not believe he will recover in any form, and the drs agree, though they are hesitant to say it explicitly. I can see it in their eyes and I am not a pessimist. Only a true miracle would save him at this point.

Ryan's father just got in from CA and is with him now; I will attempt to sleep as I have not done so in over 36 hours, and as it is my sense of time is extremely wacked. Minutes seem to last hours.

I was the only one with him until now and the only one local and thus have been the phone relay system for both our families and all our friends, but I can no longer answer the phone. I just can't.

The current situation:

Ryan is completely brain dead. He has no responses or reflexes whatsoever. He is still on the ventilator, but that is only until he can be transported to a hospital for organ donation. He will be pronounced dead officially sometime in the next 12 hours, when they confirm death (again) once he is completely off all the meds.

The one silver lining is that his liver is in good condition and both kidneys are in excellent condition and they will be (hopefully) saving 3 people's lives. Unfortunately he won't be able to donate tissue (non-organs) because of his drug (ab)use.

Another thing I should state is that in the past 6 weeks Ryan had undergone withdrawal twice, first from fentanyl, then more recently from amf. I learned that he had ived fentanyl at least once (this is to me, the first I  have ever known of him iving) during his addiction to it. The amf withdrawal was extremely intense and he took some naltrexone for it which made it all the worse.

To my knowledge and based on his mood, he had not used for a week before his OD. I do not know why he decided then and there to IV. The most recent IM messages that I found on his computer do not indicate anything. It seems random.


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## Belisarius

I'm so sorry.


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## zephyr

Ryan- rest in peace  

Julia- you have shown so much strength going through this.  You have many people who will be there for you now in your time of need, even if it is in the form of a message on the internet.

We love you and will help you get through this


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## sonic

We just went to visit him. Sorry we missed you Julia. We got lost on the way and it took us forever to actually find his room. I said what I could, hoping by some miracle that he could hear me. I have no idea why he chose to relapse either. It really was completely random and unexpected. I don't know what else to say, this week has been horrible. I'll never forget him and I'll cherish all the good memories I have of him :'(.


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## Mariposa




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## Banquo

Julia, best wishes for strength and peace as you navigate through this.


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## Jabberwocky

jules check your pm's i want to make sure i have your address correct.  Im so sorry.  I left you a message earlier but i can understand your fatigue.   ill reiterate, if you need anything i can be on a plane i can wire money i can talk for hours dont hesitate to call.   im so fucking sorry.


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## Dtergent

I am sorry. You are in my thoughts Julia, as are your husband and his family.


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## guineaPig

havent spoken much to either of em, but i hope for the best.
we've lost too many ppl this year, i do my best to stay optimistic


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## Meeko Baybee

My thoughts and prayers are with you, I am so sorry. I hope you find someone to lean on and stay strong during this time. ((hug))


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## IcebergSlim

my heart goes out to you in this painful time.


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## hoptis

Deepest sympathies...


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## JV

i hope for the best.  you both will be in my thoughts.  i hope everything works out.


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## erosion

I'm really sorry... best wishes.


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## thujone

it always hurts to hear of something like this happening, but nothing compares to experiencing it.  i'm sorry..

...lord bring me joy in my time of pain, and quell my numbness yet again...


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## Johnny1

I'm really sorry to hear this news.   This is such a terrible loss.


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## crOOk

From what I know, he had used used Tramadol before he started fent again and IF he started fent again (he might have injected tramadol for what I know). That night (I think it was tuesday) he was talking in the worst possible way of fentanyl/alpha methyl fentanyl and was still taking the tramadol only to get rid of his lingering withdrawl symptoms. Until he is officially gone, I am still being optimistic and wish for him to come back.
This is all so hard to believe, the day before he was in a very good mood from what I could tell and told me about the new job at Merck he had in prospect. Kept speaking of fent in the worst way possible, i cant stress this enough. he believed the fent had really messed up his mu opioid receptors and that he would have to suffer withdrawl for quiet some time.
I dont know what else to say, I'll just keep praying.


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## silverwheel

My thoughts are with you.


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## alasdairm

i'm sorry to hear this - it is truly awful.

alasdair


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## happyus

i am so sorry.i hope a miracle does happen,.


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## dr seuss

i'm so sorry. my thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## jaymie

oh Julia  there are no words.  You are in my utmost thoughts right now.


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## Blowmonkey

Be strong.


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## waterfreak

My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## maxload

It is not much but it is all I have got. 

My deepest sympathies FN


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## raverchik

Julia I am so deeply sorry. I'm praying for you Husband and your family.


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## Samadhi

Julia, our thoughts are with you and your loved ones.


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## up all night

I don't know you at all but there are so many people thinking of you right now. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something someone could say to help you through this.


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## tambourine-man

Jesus... that's awful.

You'll truly be in my thoughts in the coming weeks.


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## yoyoman

Oh wow - please people, FEEL positive, THINK positive, refuse, *I REFUSE * to have a reality where Ryan doesn't make it.  Keep faith that he'll come out of this, Julia don't give up.. your thoughts.. if the doctors tell you no its not possible... wait it out more, everybody focus esp. if you know them - I would talk to Ryan almost daily on AIM, just a random word or conversation or whatever, consider him one of my best friends, 

I'm so hoping, SO hoping, he will wake up, and this will be his wake up call.  I felt this before, tried to talk to him about it as a friend, even he said, this shit is bad, anything fent bad bad etc.  

I got a big wake up call just over a year ago, it was hard but it was needed.  If he is meant to wake up and be here he will.  My dad has gotten into *i forget how many now* horrible car accidents where he should have died - the last one - passed out (wierd occasional seizures or something) just as he got off the exit on the freeway going 75mph, went straight into concrete.  

The first couple weeks it was like "the doctors will let us know if we have to go in and say goodbye".  15 or so surgeries later and 3 months he came home - went through physical therapy, he sort of just ..didnt imagine himself, in a wheelchair for life, etc, i mean when he got home still its like "is he gonna be like this forever?",

He told me about dreams he had in the hospital, one dream about him walking down a street, with his limbs (both arms, legs, back, broken etc) hanging but he just HAD to get, two streets over so he struggled anyway even with his condition and made it.

Well today he's walking just fine without a cane he's back to (heh almost, one leg shorter than the other) being ..dad, he's famous at the hospitals cause "its impossible" they've never seen anyone come out ALIVE in the condtion (or better condition) he was in.  He's been in THREE bad accidents, similar, should have died, car bent in half if he was one millimeter to the left he'd be dead stuff like that well in the hospital this last time he had a lot of time to think, he's a science/logic nut for the most part but it got him thinking stuff like i'm here for a reason, karma, why, how, 

*Have any of you seen the movie The Secret.....* 

Well Julia I dont know if your up to watching anything but i have it on my server the full movie,

http://secret.radio879.com/ts.html

I believe (well i Know it)  your thoughts everyone's thoughts can change the outcome, --- ok i just have this feeling, like i know, who knows we will all find out but its just a gut feeling Ryan is gonna wake up... so i'll post that here call it a prediction a whatever but its a feeling, just a feeling that he's supposed to be unconscious he's supposed to look bad its supposed to make people think hard, cry, maybe think about themselves, send shockwaves for a while and then like a miracle he wakes up, look thats my gut feeling its just _there_ so i guess this post will be here waiting to see the outcome, ...wait for my gut feeling, intuition, knowing, to well ... know for sure.. 

i dont know i had to stop and drive my dad to work in the middle of typing was talking to my dad about it all and the feeling just gets stronger like i know it, i hope i know it, i'll wait to know it mentally so i know i'm truely in tune with this knowing.. if anybody else has a "gut feeling" PM me about it, anyway,

-----

Known Julia longer, from BL, for whatever "random" (...) reason we started chatting on AIM, eventually probably had a chemistry question or whatever IMed Ryan etc.. they moved across the country and stayed where I live for a couple days, unique awesome people and i'm _waiting_ for ryan to wake up, my gut feeling is usually right i want it to be right this time too.  -- I honestly feel he's gonna wake up, ...wake up ryan a lot of people want you to.. been only a couple days i already miss the punjab chats at random..

i feel it, wake up so i know it  

I'll be taking breaks just to sit down meditate and focus.. much love Julia.. IM me anytime.


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## guineaPig

im sorry i havent posted in this thread yet.
my best hopes for julia and her husband. we lose too many ppl here and i would hate to add to the list.
best wishes that he gets better.


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## donkeyPUNCH

^ i know thats right, we've lost FAR too many wonderful people in the last few months.  moderation people!  

my thoughts and good vibes are coming your way fairynymph and ryan


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## yoyoman

Ahh.. well i'll find out the status later today but everybody take this as a lesson, or people that knew him, there are lessons here for julia, not for me to figure them out but everything happens for a reason, everything..   

-- maybe i could have talked more about it to him, or talk differetnly to julia, ya know everybody can look back at anything and say "i coudl have done this or that better".  Wow...   Really makes me stop and think....

edit: --  I remember him telling me about how he passed out from alpha methyl fentanyl, using a nasal spray bottle to deliver it, he would just...suddenly, wake up, few hours later, no warning signs like no nodding..etc.. i think he said a friend experienced it too not sure, they thougth maybe they/he just sprayed way too many puff's and enough dripped down (the stuff is very active orally) into his stomach eventually - i think he did mention it happening to a friend too.  He remarked something like "whoa this amf might be really really dangerous.."  I remember him telling me he IV'd the fent once and it wasn't that good etc I would get on him , i saw patterns in his actions that reminded me of this girl Natalie i know, heroin addict, brought up a lot of things said this and that just like natalie (he knew all about her and how she got waay into addiction), he got pretty mad at my IM msg, and also mad because in it i mentioned how he used to never IV anything and how he IV'd fent, saying dont do that Julia could have seen the screen when i was at work - but then he went through a less intense withdrawal phase, and apologized.. said sorry, yeah some of what you said was right not all of it.

Dammit.. so sad.  I really got to know an opiate addict, and watch this natalie girl go from normal to fully addicted (typical junkie will do anything for it etc), up close and personal, and then another girl, who wasn't always truthful, natalie told me everything...almost (i think after stuff like fucking dealers for heroin was the line for her), .... natalie fully knew, where it would go.. if she kept doing it, but.. oh just "few more times.. LATER ill stop/worry about it", to me it was like a new personality, split, the real natalie, still in there, then the opiate addicted natalie, that's got more power now, really its like a "split" into two main personalities.   Ryan knew, like cr00k said, he would tell everyone fent is the devil, its evil, anything with a "fent" in the word was pure evil and bad, then the other newer opiate personality, ... actually didnt talk to that personality much at all after the first and esp. second w/d's, maybe he knew id be able to tell when he was high,

Ah.. sad day, a "wow" day.


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## guineaPig

^dude, ppl need to stop talking about this like hes dead. 
optimisim ppl c'mon now. hope for the fucking best.


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## zephyr

^ guinea- he is brain dead.


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## B9

Bejesus that's terrible news, you're in my thoughts and (prayers such as they are) That is words fail me, so so so sorry !


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## stellablue

*wipes tear* I am so sorry Julia, sweetie, so fucking sorry.


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## Smyth

Holy shit! I just got out of jail today after exactly 2 months in prison. RIP 'Jaby, I was looking forward to linking up with you again through GAIM. This is definitely tragic news and it confirms my reservations about the use of this drug. All I can say is its a pity we cant turn the clock back.


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## Finder




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## guineaPig

zephyr said:
			
		

> ^ guinea- he is brain dead.


o shit. did i miss that? all i saw was that he was unconscious 
my heart goes out to all concerned i guess...


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## sonic

crOOk said:
			
		

> From what I know, he had used used Tramadol before he started fent again and IF he started fent again (he might have injected tramadol for what I know). That night (I think it was tuesday) he was talking in the worst possible way of fentanyl/alpha methyl fentanyl and was still taking the tramadol only to get rid of his lingering withdrawl symptoms. Until he is officially gone, I am still being optimistic and wish for him to come back.
> This is all so hard to believe, the day before he was in a very good mood from what I could tell and told me about the new job at Merck he had in prospect. Kept speaking of fent in the worst way possible, i cant stress this enough. he believed the fent had really messed up his mu opioid receptors and that he would have to suffer withdrawl for quiet some time.
> I dont know what else to say, I'll just keep praying.



No, please don't speculate. He didn't have any interest in injecting tramadol as far as I know. He tried plugging tramadol before as an experiment and he wasn't impressed. He thought snorting or IVing tramadol was silly. Maybe he  changed his mind out of the blue. Who fucking knows, but I don't think that is what happened at least.

He had a good night on Tuesday night, he went out and had some fun with some cool people. He sent me an IM at 2am right before I was going to bed, I told him I had to get some sleep and I talked with him for about 2 minutes and then I went to bed. He didn't mention anything about any drugs or withdrawal at all. 2 hours later is when Julia found him. I guess he wanted to make his fun night a little bit more fun. His plan was to go on some type of anti-depressant medication, because opiates were not doing it for him and he wanted to be off them for good. He probably wanted "just one more high." We had plans to see him this weekend. If only it could have been last weekend! It fucking kills me that he was pretty much clean and then all the sudden took too much of whatever he did. That explains how it happened, but at yoyoman said, a world without Ryan is too fucking much for me and a lot of other people to deal with .

Try to stay strong everyone, I know I am having a hard time doing that. I can only imagine how much harder it is for his family to deal with.

We love you Julia!


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## DarthMom

i am so sorry julia. my deepest sorrow, and my thoughts are with you


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## glitterbizkit

I just read the update... I'm so sorry Julia... *hugs*


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## SA

Just read the update too.

Julia, I'm extremely saddened to hear of your loss. My warmest wishes of support are with you.

((()))


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## guineaPig

i just went back in the thread. apparently i missed the update somehow. im so sorry for julia and all that knew him. best wishes.


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## Pathogen

oh my goodness, this is horrible news.

i don't know any of the people affected by this tragedy, but my heart goes out to all.


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## goatofthenever

Terrible news  
so sorry this happened.


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## Ravr

sorry for your lost


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## Rusty Cage

this is just fucking shitty.

like always when it comes to things like these, I am at a loss for what to say.


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## poopie

julia, i am so sorry.


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## rashandreflex

yeah it is incredibly hard to find the right words...

i really, really care for ryan...he is an excellent scientist and a sensitive person, an incredibly caring friend

i hope everyone takes heed to the warning about amf. it is not to be fucked with.


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## animal_cookie

*hugs julia*


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## fozzy nutz

remember phreex.... keep up the prayers...keep on fighting


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## LoveAlways

I dont even know either of you, but still I'm crying.  

I'm so sorry that this happened....

I'll still be praying.

Does anyone have updates?


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## axl blaze

I am sorry, I don't know what to say - but if I was around you I would just give you a hug.


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## ~*geNeRaTiOn E*~

(((julia))) i am so sorry for your loss hun.  i will keep you and your famillies in my thoughts and prayers.

this is a tragedy and fucking unbelievable.


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## LiveIllegal




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## fairnymph

He is still on the ventilator like I said and he will be until he is in the operating room of the transplant hospital. This is simply to keep his organs alive so that they can save other lives.

He still had meds that the hospital gave him in his system;until those are completely out of his bloodstream they cannot officially pronounce him dead. Because of his barely functioning heart and his poor gas exchange, he's not clearing drugs quickly from his body, which is why this delay.

I want to be very clear though that he is dead. He has no brain activity whatsoever. He had bleeding in his subarachnoid space and severe brain swelling as a result -- I saw the scans myself. He was simply oxygen deprived for too long. Even if he had somehow miraculously escaped brain damage, he would have needed lung and heart transplants.

I understand that some of you may be holding out hope for whatever reason but the medical facts are extremely clear and you will only be causing yourself further grief. Trust me, it is better not to have the ups and downs.


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## junglejuice

Julia, I'm so sorry for your loss.

My heart goes out to you, and if there is ANYTHING I can do, please let me know


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## JB

I know nothing I can say will help but my thoughts are with you


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## kappadaftie




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## Finder

Fuck, Julia. I'm so sorry.


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## 5-HT2

Words can not describe how awful I feel.    Ryan was a great guy and a brilliant chemist, and will be sorely missed by the ones who loved him 

I wish I could be there for you Julia, but I'm interviewing for grad school right now.  

All I want to do is go somewhere and cry, but I'm surrounded by people I don't know, so I feel like I should keep it all bottled up


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## syymphonatic

*hugs* i'm sorry this happened


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## Mona Lisa

My thoughts are with you at this very sad time. :'(


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## LAO TZU

My deespest sympathies & condolences to you FN, and your families -

I bow in humble reverence for the passing of your husband, and for you during this time, may both your spirits be at peace

*bows*

Hopefully, without treading on anyones beliefs, I'd like to share this with you, as I shared it with my group of friends when we tragically lost one of our own -

If life could truly ever end, it would have never began,
and, though the form has changed, the spirit, the energy,
the vital essence remains, as it has always, and will always exist.
And thus begins the cycle again!


Though this is no help, and you'll take the time you need - 

I send you positive resonant vibes 

Love & Light


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## indelibleface

I'm so sorry to hear that fairynymph...

You don't really know me, but I sympathise for you... 

I've lost people close to me like this so suddenly before.

*hugs*


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## Infernal

Julia,  Jess and I both are sorry to hear of the news.  Our hearts are out to you.


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## keiths31

My sympathies are with you and your families.


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## xena

i don't even know what to say right now.  i'm so sorry you're going through this right now, julia.  it's so sad.  hang in there, and be strong.


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## Acidfiend

This isn't the right thing to say, but this is how I feel so I'm going to say it anyway regardless of the backlash it will provoke.




This news, tragic and heartbreaking as it is, was the single most powerfully important thing I have felt in several months.  Because hearing this has, for the first time in a year, made me feel truly grateful to be alive.  I am grateful for the people in my life, and even though my relationships with them aren't everything I want them to be I couldn't ask for anything better.  I may be alone right now, but I have known love before and I have the opportunity to feel it again.  I may be broke, wasting my life away on the internet hoping for some kind of direction in my life to emerge, but I still have the opportunity to make a difference and so help me GOD I am going to do just that!

I never knew Ryan, but I know this: he wouldn't want his death to provoke others to dwell in misery and sorrow at things they had no control over.  In honour of Ryan's life, I am going to get up out of this chair.  I'm taking a shower and putting on some sharp looking clothes.  I am going to step out of my house, and I am going to LIVE this goddamn day harder than I've lived in years!  His memory deserves no less from me.  God bless you Ryan.  I never knew you, but I love you immensely.


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## kittyinthedark

*hugs*

Julia, if there is ANYTHING I can do for you, just let me know.  I mean that - anything.


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## mealltach

Julia - I don't know you or Ryan, but I've been thinking about you ever since I heard this news.  I have no words, really, but I send every little bit of positivity that I can possibly muster to you.


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## vibr8tor

oh wow, I just clicked on this for the first time.  julia, I'm so sorry for all that you are going through.  you'll be in my thoughts; I hope you find the strength to get through this.  I can't even imagine how you must be feeling


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## New

I don't have the words to express my emotions concerning this. I can only hope that you can fully come to terms with this and continue leading a happy, healthy life.


----------



## college_dropout

deepest sympathies.


----------



## sonic

:'( RIP Brother

I'm so sorry Julia, don't know what else to say. Everyone supports you.


----------



## Semi-Charmed




----------



## Infinite Jest

Julia, I am truly sorry for your loss  

My thoughts are with you, with Ryan's family, and with his other BL friends.


----------



## ShaDDoW

I'm so sorry, Julia.


----------



## atri

i dont know what to say
im so sorry


----------



## rumpled

I'm so sorry for your loss and what you must be going through right now. Words cannot do these emotions justice..My thoughts are with you and your family. =*(


----------



## lil angel15

My deepest condolences.  

My thoughts are with you during this tragic time.


----------



## fairnymph

Ryan died today (from cardiac arrest) around 11 am and is now in the OR for organ donation.

There will not be a funeral but I will be designating a charity to which people can donate in his name, if they like.


----------



## Pander Bear

hugs, julia


----------



## Perpetual Indulgence

I can only imagine the emotions you must feel.  I am very sorry that you have deal with the loss of your husband.  I wish you the strength to see yourself through this very difficult time.


----------



## INTJ_purple

i'm so sorry, dear


----------



## ~*geNeRaTiOn E*~

RIP Ryan 

an amazing man to the core, he will be missed.


----------



## Ximot

I am very sorry to learn about this. my heart goes out to you.


----------



## Vaque

Godspeed Spicybrown i hope your journey in the afterlife will be good, i will miss you.


----------



## Jabberwocky

jules: when you feel up to it call me and if you feel you need a break i can always buy you a ticket to where you need to go.  let me know.


----------



## Jamshyd

So sorry to hear about your loss, Julia


----------



## L2R

rip

please be careful people


----------



## MazDan

Thoughts are with you fairnymph.


----------



## Rusty Cage

You know all these deaths leave me feeling so cold and empty. 

I wish I knew the words to say to make it all better.


----------



## RavenousBlonde

My thoughts and prayers are with you.


----------



## DarthMom

would you like to tell us the charity? i would like to donate.


----------



## nowonmai

sad sad news... my thoughts are with you dear FN


----------



## DG

DarthMom said:
			
		

> would you like to tell us the charity? i would like to donate.



Last she updated she said she was trying to think of a charity so I dont think she has one quite yet.

Julia like I said..I can bring you dinners or just spend some time with you if you would like. If you need anything at all Im a short distance away you know that


----------



## Mysticalis

It's been a long time since I last peeked through these hallowed halls, and it stings to stumble in on such a horrible tragedy.  

I'm sorry for your loss and I'll be saying some prayers for you.


----------



## badboybrian

goddamnit ryan 

  julia im deeply sorry for your loss.  my heart goes out to you


----------



## Bi KaNd*E* RaVeR

my thoughts are with ya julia... if you need anything..shoot me an email


----------



## huntmich

God I left town for a week and I come back to this.  All I can do is offer my deepest condolences and my warmest energy to you, Julia.  I had only met Ryan once, but he was a good man.  And Julia, I rank you amongst my best of friends.  If there is EVER ANYTHING that you need, I will do whatever I can to help.  

RIP


----------



## kubenzi_boy




----------



## EvoldicA

.. If there is anything I can do for you Julia let me know..


----------



## sassylx

I know im just a random stranger on a message board... halfway across the world from you... but know that i do care. I dont know what this means that im saying this and i dont know what you're thinking... but oh god i do care.


----------



## *sunflower*




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## Squirt

i'm so sorry julia.... keep your chin up.  we love you.


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## LoveAlways

I've never met you FN, but from what I hear you're a very strong woman. Good luck with the charity


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## StarOceanHouse

My heart goes out to you FN and your husband's family.


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## nudemonkei

The line is too fine with narcotics... I don't know either Julia or Ryan, but I feel sympathy for Julia. I also feel sorry for Ryan, as I felt sorry for myself...I was lucky...It's a tight rope...you all describe the man as brilliant and a person who has done many great things. That is him, and I'm sure to those who were touched, that won't be forgot.


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## aanallein

FN you have my deepest sympathies. I've always thought a lot of you and have enjoyed all our discussions (despite not agreeing very often) and I hope for the best for you and your family. I'm really sorry to hear this. =(
-aanallein / psychonaut777


----------



## rollEpollE

I never had the pleasure of meeting you Julia or Ryan, but am very sad for your loss. I sincerely hope that all turns out for the best for you and everyone involved.
My heart goes out to you FN.


----------



## PhreeX

*His spririt will always be amongst us...*

If I may throw in my .02.

First, Julia, my prayers go out to you, your family, and Ryan’s family; and of course to the sprit of Ryan that will live on forever. Sadly I didn’t have much communication with him though I wish we had been better friends as we did have so much in common and could have spent hours and hour online typing away in that special chemGeek language until the wee-hours on AIM. Knowing he was trying to go straight makes me even more regretful I had not been talking with him, as perhaps I could have been there to offer support, maybe even offering something to make his pain easier (I am not saying I would have sent him any drugs or anything like that, but when my balls were in the vice that was narcotics addiction for a full 7, almost 8 years. Well, I know exactly what he was feeling and have a local friend that is a doctor that specializes in detox, and could have written a prescription had he had no more then a phone call with Ryan that I could have had filled and set off) … this is sad as I, while not returning to bluelight as a moderator or anything, have been trying to get back in contact with some people here … Ryan was one of those I would have wanted to strike up a friendship with.

Secondly, this is kinda eerie as how close this mirrors what happened with the incident I suffered, even scarier is that this occurred almost 4 years TO THE DATE of my overdose … as I read Julia’s account of it I just kept thinking “heym, look what happened to me and I am fine, I recovered, aside from some short-term memory loss, neuropathic pain and anxiety I am fine, surely Ryan can beat this! … then I got to her ‘update’ as to where he is today, and my eyes got a big foggy .. now of course why Ryan decided to take that injection may never be known for sure, an I am sure the reason he overdosed versus the reason I did were NOTHING like each other (I wish not to be public about why I OD’d but if you are a friend and wish to know the details, and don’t already, email me – phreex@phreex.com) … it just isn’t fair that he (based on all we know), had an accident (again, my case was different) … given the means the lead me to have overdosed VS this being an accident, regardless of the fact I was a current moderator or had this unsolicited ‘cult following’ back when I overdosed, if you remember how long the thread dealing with my overdose was, I would hope this one is just as long .. It needs to be .. it needs to be for Julia.

Julia, a member of these forums for basically as long as I have been, that was very knowledgeable in all areas of drug use, along with this like her knowledge of relationships and such (lord knows I am not the person to come to for “good relationship advice”) .. Ryan may not have had as large a “footprint” on these boards as I did, but still, this was an accidental overdose (for all we know, I wouldn’t think otherwise for a minute) … I encourage everyone toi post a kind word for Julia, I can’t imagine how hard this is for her! 

I remember sitting of physical rehab learning how to walk, eat, speak, etc… a friend printed out like 20 pages from the thread relating to my overdose, and to just see how many people out there had me in their minds, and were sending positive energy and well-wishes… shit, I read all of those replies over and over and cried a number of times – you all owe Julia nothing less! When I came too my parents were there and elated, but sadly Julia wont be there to see her husband open his eyes for the first time. Trust me, the support did so much for me I implore you all to post some kind remarks… what you remember about Ryan, or simply a “hey, I am here for ya Julia” .. it helps, it really does!

It did give me chills how alike our two incidents were … first the unconsciousness, then the aspiration leading to pneumonia, then (what I presume) lead to rhabdomyolysis .. unlike mine it seems there may have been total respiratory apnea instead of only extreme respiratory depression (as was my case) .. once on the bus to the hospital the heart-attacks come (I suffered 2 and a single stroke, one heart attack came as I was still at the house right after the paramedics had me hooked up to the leads, 5 more minutes and I would have been dead before the medics even arrived at my location)  … once the heart attack hit me a couple days later at the hospital as did the stroke … but once the first heart attack hit, my lungs totally failed and I was only breathing thanks to being intubated (same with Ryan it seems from reading Julia’s account) … after the lungs; the kidneys and liver went as well … I ended up suffering hypoxia (again, same as Ryan) followed by post-hypoxic encephalopathy (sadly it seems Ryan never got to recover to the point this was an issue) … really, it is almost just like the etiology is the same as what happened with me …

Sadly I didn’t know Ryan as well as I would have liked too, but if he was good enough for Julia then I am sure he was an upstanding guy morally and I have heard from plenty of people, Julia herself that he really knew how to treat his fellow human … of what I did know of him, I was actually only about a few weeks away from contacting him to ask if he would be interested in moderating one of the forums I have on my website. I need not go into further detail about it.

*JULIA* – Check you email and if it didn’t make it there, your PM’s and I sent you a little something. I am here for you, I always have been (though for awhile we were kinda ‘rocky’ in our standing with each other)

As for the charity you wish to have donations sent to, “PhreeX Industries Inc.” along with “The PhreeX Project” will make a donation (a lawsuit paid off for me which allow me to have some disposable income) … so I vow $500 in Ryan’s name to the charity, preferably, if I may make a suggestion –  a charity, or better yet, a rehab center the takes a unique approach to addiction – something where it’s not a facility ran like a prison; but rather a place where those that WANT to get clean (am I wrong or did Ryan, in fact, wish to get clean?) have the resources for them… the detox is aided with medicine (sedatives, perhaps even some type of step-down narcotics program?) 

There is a place in Tarzana, CA that has a really good approach (a friend went to it) .. if you are going to suffer EXTREMELY harsh withdrawals they have a doctor on hand that will actually induce “concisions sedation” (my friend was not positive of the exact drugs used but he compared it to what you get when you have your wisdom teeth taken out) … all of course is done under medical supervision and it isn’t 24/7, rather you are put under when it gets far to harsh to handle .. they follow this by a minimum of 3 months (90 days anyway) of extensive counseling, group, one-on-one, etc… it is very expensive though and this could keep some people out – and this would be ideal for not your typical user that really doesn’t want to quit, but instead people that are super intelligent (like Ryan) and may really WANT to get clean … if I had access to such a place I would never have overdosed in the first place … I can find the name I will email it to you.

Again, my prayers are with you Julia.

Ryan will forever walk amongst us. A great soul has not been lost, simply moved to a higher place.

RIP Ryan

//p


----------



## AmorRoark

I don't think there's been a stretch of more than 4 or 5 hours where I haven't thought about you and ached, Julia. Hope you are doing as well as possible.


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## purplefirefly

Julia

You are constantly in my thoughts and I pray that you are able to have better days. 

From one wife to another, there is no greater love than a wife has for her husband. The love that you had for him goes beyond this world, and in my heart of hearts I know that he knew exactly how much you loved and cared for him.

You don't have to struggle through this alone, I am a drive or a phone call away. I will be here for you anytime you need a friend. *hugs*


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## allan51

terribly sorry about your loss. my thoughts are with you and your family. stay strong and live your life in honor of his.


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## fengtau

My deepest sympathies, Julia.  I feel so helpless being so far away.  Please do keep me informed about the charity.  I would like to make a contribution.  We have Western Union here so it's not a problem to wire money.


----------



## ninjadanslarbretabar

_Half of what I say is meaningless
But I say it just to reach you Julia _(beatles)
 
R
  I
    P


----------



## sgurd

Take care Fairnymph, you also have my deepest sympathies!

I have been lurking these boards for about 5 years and you stood out from the beginning as a truly special and amazing person. This whole thing has affected me deeply also because of my own battles with fentanyl.

You seem very strong in your posts in this thread which I think is really great. 
Lean on friends and don't be afraid to hurt, sometimes being too strong can also cause more pain in the end(well it did for me when I lost a loved one).

Whichever way you deal with this tragic loss is fine because you'll get through it somehow.

I which you a lot of strength and I will also be donating!


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## FiatFlux

I don't know you personally, Julia, but I know how horrible it is to lose someone so close. You come across as a very strong person, and I know you'll get through this. I don't believe in God so I won't pray for you, but I'll keep you in my thoughts.


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## Raving Loony

FairNymph,

As someone who has both lost a partner suddenly and as someone who feels he cheated death after paramedics revived me after a 1,4B overdose; I am deeply shocked and saddened at the loss of your husband.  The only advice I can offer is to be strong.  Xmas/NY was the worst time of my life and it seemed that each day was worse than the previous, but life does pick up even if it shapes you permanently.

RIP Ryan.


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## tenderjuice

This is tragic.  So sorry to hear of your loss fairynymph.

R.I.P. Ryan.  

The love of your friends and family is testament to what a beautiful spirit you are.


----------



## Noodle




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## tribal girl

I've never conversed with you before Julia, and nor do I frequent the lounge. But it's clear to me that you are well loved and thought of around here. And if truth Be known, when something like this happens we don't need to know one another. I think we can all imagine the horror of losing someone close to us. Or at least have a fear of it ever happening. I feel your pain and I'm truly sorry. Be strong.


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## Azraelscross

wow. i come back to the forum to this. fuck that sucks. i didn't know you or him personally Julia but it still sucks when something like this happens


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## fairnymph

Thank you EVERYONE for your wonderful thoughts, comments, and support during this time. 

A scholarship in Ryan's name is being set up at his undergraduate university and I just received the donation information for those who are interested in honouring Ryan in this manner. The funds will go towards undergraduates in chemistry who have done research and wish to present their findings at national conferences, to pay for travel and conference expenses. The plan is an annual award of this type.

Certainly do not feel obliged to donate; it is solely up to you if you have the money and desire to do so.

*Gifts may be made by check, made out to Santa Clara University with
the notation In Memory of Ryan Brown. They should be sent to

Erin Gay
Assistant Director, Special Gifts
Development Office
Santa Clara University
Santa Clara, CA 95053*


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## Splatt




----------



## drEaMtiMe*@#

stay strong, stay close to the ones you love, and know that even though he's gone his love for you will always remain.


----------



## Aishas Star

Fuck why didnt I read this earlier. I know the whole idea of 'Stickys' is to make sure you read em but they are always the same stuff.. not this time though..

FN: I dont even know what to say.. im so sorry.. I didnt know you (or Ryan) personally but I always saw your posts and I guess it does feel like I do know you on some sort of level. I feel for you and I have been in the same sort of situation myself with a boyfriend, he died after taking MDMA and had an asthma attack and several heart attacks, he was only 17. His family kept him alive on a ventilator for a month. Too long..
My thoughts are with you & your family. 
Love Lex


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## AndyChrist

Julia, I am so terribly sorry.

Love and Strength, 

Stark.


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## sonic

I love the idea of the chemistry related scholarship fund in honor of Ryan! It is definitely the most fitting for him. Hopefully I can donate something soon.

I still can't believe he's gone . It sucks not having my best friend to talk to online or see on the weekends. I was a close friend of his, but I can only imagine what his direct family is going through. Once again I must say, my love goes out to everyone who knew him, especially Julia, his father, siblings, and his other close friends. 

RIP brother.


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## Miss Peks

I'm sorry this happened. My thoughts are with you.


----------



## ~Miss*E~

i just logged on for the first time in ages, this is the first thread i've read 
i have no idea what to say other than i'm so sorry hun, take care


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## Pure_XTC

I just saw this today and even though I didn't know Ryan, I cried for him.  

To the lovely Julia- You are in my thoughts.  I can only imagine what you're going through.


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## haribo1

I havn't got much cash, but I will send what I can. Nobody is truly dead when they live on in the hearts of others. I did not know this guy, but from the outpourings of others I can see he affected so many people in such a good way; People I know to be strong, reliable and good people. If it hurts them, it hurts me.

Love,
Sean


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## Wild

I apologize, I am really not very good with these things. 

To be honest I am pretty speechless. 

My heart sunk.

What a terrible tragedy.

It is such a scary thing.

I'm sure it hits home for a lot of people on the board.

My heart goes out for ya Julia.


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## ayjay

Just saw this thread today..

I'm very sorry for your loss fairnymph


----------



## doofqueen

Even if we don't speak anymore, my thoughts are with you Julia  So sorry


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## PhreeX

fairnymph said:
			
		

> *Gifts may be made by check, made out to Santa Clara University with
> the notation In Memory of Ryan Brown. They should be sent to
> 
> Erin Gay
> Assistant Director, Special Gifts
> Development Office
> Santa Clara University
> Santa Clara, CA 95053*


$500 sent via check from; PhreeX Industries Inc. (A Florida LLC)

BTW, Julia, can you email me - phreex@phreex.com, I tried to reply to your last email but it bounced back!

Thanks! (And hang in there, you know you can call me anytime you wish if you just want to talk)

//p


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## Jabberwocky

i was looking at pictures of your wedding and thinking about how you met and scheming with you those first playful meetings you had that i was privy too and it just tears me up that over the years i had lost contact with someone that i admired.  and mostly that im not there to offer you a shoulder jules like i use to when we had problems or gripes.   shit i miss you and hope your doing well.

I know this isnt the place but just wanted to say hi to dave as well havnt talked with your ex junkie ass in a while.


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## bowdenta

ive been gone too long. so sorry jules i just heard

well i hope your recovery is as painless as possible. i'll be thinking of you


----------



## ebola?

I am sorry for your loss.


----------



## Kicksave

We've had our differences, Julia, but I hope you know I respect and adore you and I'll support you in whatever what I can. Just ask.


----------



## RICO SUAVE

I don't know you at all, Fairnymph, but I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can keep your head up and enjoy your life even after something as terrible as this has happened.

Condolences.


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## L O V E L I F E

How truly ironic it is, that most of us came to this board, in part, so we could learn how to better experience empathy.

And, Julia, boy, do I feel it for you right now.

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain.

Love,

LL


----------



## plurMONSTER

Even though Ryan wasn't a Bluelighter, so many people in the Bluelight community were close to him that I'm moving this to The Bluelight Shrine.

Julia - Please accept my condolences, once again, on your loss.

-Aaron


----------



## quiet roar

So sorry for your loss, fairnymph.

Deepest condolences.


----------



## pIeCE

I just read about this on another site and although I may not have known him, my heart goes out to you in your time of mourning.


----------



## Trancey

Julia, I've been gone from the board for a while trying to cope with my own loss so this is the first time I am seeing this. 

I can't believe everything I just read, and couldn't start to imagine what you are feeling, but I know you can only hear so many 'I'm sorry's' before they loose their meaning.

I think about you often, and now I will always keep you in my heart and in my thoughts. I know you are a strong woman and you will make it through this. You have many friends here that are always willing to stretch out a hand, and lend a shoulder. If you should ever need another, having lost the man in my life not too long ago, I can only hope that you will accept my shoulder, and take my hand to help. 

Ryan, you will never be forgotten, never leave our hearts, and will always be missed. Sleep soundly my friend.


----------



## faris

i, too, am a bit slow in hearing the news.

i'm so truly sorry for your loss...


----------



## MattPD

FN-

I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss.

M


----------



## spun_in_wonderland

Just another voice to say stay strong, take care of yourself, and may all the forces of light and strength be with you.


----------



## sonic

I miss you Ryan! I was just thinking about how much fun we were having last year around this time. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Life just isn't the same now that you're gone. Even though I only knew you for less than a year, you were the best friend I've ever had, and the best friend I ever will have. No one will ever come close to replacing you for so many reasons. I'm glad I was able to tell you how I felt when you were alive. 

I was lucky enough to find all the treasure in the world, but unfortunately it was gone as quickly as I found it. At least the memories will last forever, but there are so many times when I wish I could just talk to you. It often feels like you aren't even gone. I don't know if I've fully accepted it yet or if I ever will. I can take a little comfort in the fact that you didn't want children and you accomplished more in 28 years than most people accomplish in their entire life.

Words fall short of how I really feel.

I'd like to dedicate my entire life and every accomplishment I make in your honor. I'm sure there are many others who feel the same.

Punjab


----------



## Samadhi

sonic *hug* 

Thinking of you too, Julia


----------



## Ritatyl

*RE: fairmymph*

My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I may be a Noobie, but I care about others... Hugs to ya


----------



## phactor

oh no terrible news.

My thoughts are with all those involved.


----------



## tambourine-man

A couple of days ago, I stumbled across a question posed on Yahoo...

_"Ammoxacilin and ecstasy?"_ (sic)

The answer made me smile.  Still helping people in her absence.  Best wishes, FN.


----------



## SmokeTrails

holy shit... ive been gone awhile and just saw this... im so sorry =/


----------



## thefacemelter

I'm very sorry for your loss, even though I know neither of you I still feel for ya as I've lost somebody due to almost identical circumstances.


----------



## neverwas

:::*HUGS*:::

Oh hun I am sorry to hear this. I havent been in here for quite a while. My thoughts, prayers and love go out to you in this time


----------



## AphexAcid93

As it's been said, many thoughts & prayers are to-go you're way.


----------



## wazza

I am truly sorry for hearing of this FN. Just wanted to send my thoughts and best wishes for you. *hugs*


----------



## purplefirefly

It's coming up on three years since this horrible event occurred.

I want you to know Ryan, that Dan and I still talk about you and still think of you often.  Your body may be gone, but your spirit and your memory are living on.


----------



## Winding Vines

^ I second that.

Its weird catching yourself in a conversation, speaking about someone and then realizing half way through the discussion that they passed away. 

I hope Julia is doing well, and finding happiness. xox


----------



## iLoveYouWithaKnife

Fairnymph-
It's been a long time since Ive been on here.
And I just hate reading news like this.
I'm so sorry, girl.


----------



## monstanoodle

I only just read about these tragic circumstances fairy, and I do not know you very well at all (aside from the random posts I see), and I did not know Ryan...
But I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry and that you are *so* incredibly strong hun 

Please take good care of yourself.


----------



## starfarer

Im new here on Bluelight, but I still would like to say that i'm sorry to hear such sad news,  give my condolences and say that we are all rallying around you.


----------



## DexterMeth

I stayed off here for a long time.  I just want to apologize to you fairnymph.  I'm seriously sorry.


----------



## fairnymph

RIP Dexter. And thanks to everyone who still thinks of Ryan. I am sorry to say that time doesn't help a fucking bit. For me, it has only made me miss him more & realise how much I've lost & how irreplaceable he is. But I am immensely glad for the 5 amazing years I had with him. I doubt most people ever connect with a soul mate so strongly, so in that sense I count my blessings.


----------



## Xorkoth

Just read this... god, how horrible.  It made me tear up multiple times.  It was nice to have you posting again for a bit, FN, been missing you lately, I hope all is well, and if you're still planning to visit some friends near me this summer, you should still hit me up.


----------



## Samadhi

fairnymph said:


> RIP Dexter. And thanks to everyone who still thinks of Ryan. I am sorry to say that time doesn't help a fucking bit. For me, it has only made me miss him more & realise how much I've lost & how irreplaceable he is. But I am immensely glad for the 5 amazing years I had with him. I doubt most people ever connect with a soul mate so strongly, so in that sense I count my blessings.



Anything that anyone could try to say in response to this, other than "It's absolutely fucked and my heart breaks for the pain you are still in" would be trite and gross. So i'm just going to leave it at that. You were one of my first bluelight crushes, Julia, I have always been so inspired by your knowledge and insight. I just wanted to tell you that


----------



## sonic

I still miss you and think about you almost daily Ryan. I wish you were still around.  
It is amazing how irrelevant time is in so many ways. I only knew you for about a year but I will miss you until the day I die. 

I will probably never meet anyone as brilliant as you who still respected me even though I am much less talented. I felt comfortable around you more than anyone. I miss the late nights we enjoyed and will continue to tell people about you.

I'm sorry Julia and everyone else who still remembers Ryan.  He was a legend to many of us. That won't change.


----------



## crOOk

Still thinking of him, still talking about him. Only the best die young.


----------



## sonic

Yes, the best do indeed tend to die young. At least he accomplished more than many people will in their lives in a concentrated amount of time. He didn't want kids or anything. 

It is painful to know that his treatment options were so much more limited back then because the opioid epidemic wasn't a thing for mainstream society. 

I remember him talking about you specifically a few times. He was impressed by your collection back then to say the least, as was I.


----------



## Xorkoth

Anyone heard from fairnymph?  She was posting again for a while and dropped off the map.


----------

