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Hello Everybody! I hope everyone is hanging on, surviving and finding ways to appreciate life despite the hardships we are all facing. I haven´t been on here enough the past month. I don´t need to paint the whole picture, we are all living it. My career in social work gets me 24.50/hr. I´m sure a lot of you are similar to myself. When you´re doing this kind of work, it is difficult to know how and when to ¨put it down¨. There is a lot of emotion involved in the day to day work, then you think about it when you get home; what you could´ve, should´ve done. I also have a second job so I have very little time for anything. When I moved out here a few months back, things were different.
It is such a harsh realization. When I got here, I was already feeling like I was living in the slow apocalypse of humanity. Obviously, things have just gotten much worse economically, politically and of course, socially. People show their true colors when they are made to suffer. It´s easy to care about others when you have everything in your life straight; money, health, relationships. For instance, Bluelight and all of you guys are of the most important, proudest parts of my life. Still, despite the importance of the work, I can´t make it on here to do the work, as I am being pushed. More importantly, I´m seeing the complete and total segregation of the ¨haves¨ and the ¨have-nots¨. The ¨haves¨ means a job, stable living situation and at least one but possibly two cars for a family unit. If you don´t have a car, don´t have a stable place and can´t partake in the consumer culture, you are actively being excluded by the rest of society.
We get to these places as a society because people decided loving one another, connecting, caring and sacrificing were no longer mandatory principles for living. Vegas is a tourist town that caters to this consumer culture, This makes those that can´t spend antithetical to the system. For instance, I work right near the strip. While the strip is ¨outside¨ technically, you will notice that there are clear choke-points for entering and exiting the area which are staffed with beaucoup cops. Let´s just say, the Meth guy with his shopping cart full of garbage is not going to be on the strip for long if he gets there at all. Mass Surveillance is crazy. My understanding is that the strip, including the area were I work is completely and totally surveilled with everything from license plate readers, facial recognition and so on.
Some pretty terrible developments at the shelter.... try to follow me here.
The other night, we had an overdose in one of the stalls of the male bathroom. This is not extremely out of the ordinary for us. We gave him 3 narcans and called EMS. They often are unable to come or show up way too late to be effective. They are overstretched. Well, this time, the cops show up. Now, we have an insane time getting the heat to show up for anything, yet here they are. Two units and at least for uniforms. Even seeing the cops roll up... I didn´t know what was going down but I already had a bad feeling in my stomach.
We have overdoses regularly and nobody ever gives a shit. Well, tonight the cops are insanely concerned about the possibility of loose Opioids/Fentanyl being present in the facility. They were concerned that another resident might accidentally ingest some and overdose. This lead to the entire shelter being cleared out in the middle of the night. Dozens and dozens of people. It is ~2:00am at this point. Turn the lights on, wake everyone up, tell them they have to go outside. Naturally, some of the guys give the cops attitude. The looks on the faces of the cops when they got attitude was frightening. They were not pissed. They were not annoyed. They were not angry. They looked at them all almost with a knowing, almost amused expression as they watched everyone go outside.
While people are shuffling out, a lot of the ladies are actively saying ¨shut the fuck up!¨ to their men. The ladies are visibly afraid of the police. They are not afraid of getting arrested. They have the most primal fear of all in them; the fear of the unknown. Homeless people disappear here everyday. Jails, hospitals, morgues... a lot of them are just gone. Sure, some of them overdose and die in anonymity, but not all of them. My clients know something is wrong, but nobody knows the true extent of whatever is actually happening. If you ask me straight up, I´m just gonna say right now that I believe the homeless are actively being targeted and removed and I feel law enforcement is directly involved. I don´t care who I piss off by saying that. I have just seen too much weird shit to believe everything is normal.
We end up standing outside for over 2 hours. In this time, many of my clients choose to leave instead of standing outside on the pavement. By the time we are let back in, half of the clients have disappeared into the night. What´s worse, policy would prevent us from taking them back in even if they returned. The following night, we had lost ~15% of our regulars who have yet to return. For those who cannot read between the lines, I am implying that the cops are involved with deliberately making the shelter unlivable for clients. It is not legal to sleep on the street in Clark County. You can technically be arrested, especially if you have a tent. So, the cops have now separated these vulnerable people from the relative safety of our shelter and us people who care about them. Now hey are out there in the night and fuck knows what will happen to them.
My laptop broke down for the final time and I have not been able to replace it yet. I only have steady access to a computer when I am at work, so I´m going to do my best to get some BL in in my down time. It is really tough out there. I know a lot of you, like me, are making decisions like ¨should I buy food or medicine¨. The cost of living here has gone up to the point where, by working two jobs, like 55 hours weeks at least, I´m still essentially going broke. I am sad to say at this point that the amount of money I make is really not sustainable for many of the things I have become used to. Frankly, I worry every day now that our time is limited with my non-profit. There is little to no sympathy here for these people and the scarcity of money just makes it worse.
I am struggling right now trying to figure out how or what my life is going to become. On the current trajectory, I am just moving slowly toward oblivion like most of us are. Still, I try every day to find some joy in life, the people I work for and from my friends and family. Forgetting love and compassion is what has made us so terribly ill as a society. We can´t control the world, but we can control how we treat others. I have spent my life as a selfish asshole. I only hope that by the end, I will break even.
I will see you all on the forums. Sorry for the absence!
It is such a harsh realization. When I got here, I was already feeling like I was living in the slow apocalypse of humanity. Obviously, things have just gotten much worse economically, politically and of course, socially. People show their true colors when they are made to suffer. It´s easy to care about others when you have everything in your life straight; money, health, relationships. For instance, Bluelight and all of you guys are of the most important, proudest parts of my life. Still, despite the importance of the work, I can´t make it on here to do the work, as I am being pushed. More importantly, I´m seeing the complete and total segregation of the ¨haves¨ and the ¨have-nots¨. The ¨haves¨ means a job, stable living situation and at least one but possibly two cars for a family unit. If you don´t have a car, don´t have a stable place and can´t partake in the consumer culture, you are actively being excluded by the rest of society.
We get to these places as a society because people decided loving one another, connecting, caring and sacrificing were no longer mandatory principles for living. Vegas is a tourist town that caters to this consumer culture, This makes those that can´t spend antithetical to the system. For instance, I work right near the strip. While the strip is ¨outside¨ technically, you will notice that there are clear choke-points for entering and exiting the area which are staffed with beaucoup cops. Let´s just say, the Meth guy with his shopping cart full of garbage is not going to be on the strip for long if he gets there at all. Mass Surveillance is crazy. My understanding is that the strip, including the area were I work is completely and totally surveilled with everything from license plate readers, facial recognition and so on.
Some pretty terrible developments at the shelter.... try to follow me here.
The other night, we had an overdose in one of the stalls of the male bathroom. This is not extremely out of the ordinary for us. We gave him 3 narcans and called EMS. They often are unable to come or show up way too late to be effective. They are overstretched. Well, this time, the cops show up. Now, we have an insane time getting the heat to show up for anything, yet here they are. Two units and at least for uniforms. Even seeing the cops roll up... I didn´t know what was going down but I already had a bad feeling in my stomach.
We have overdoses regularly and nobody ever gives a shit. Well, tonight the cops are insanely concerned about the possibility of loose Opioids/Fentanyl being present in the facility. They were concerned that another resident might accidentally ingest some and overdose. This lead to the entire shelter being cleared out in the middle of the night. Dozens and dozens of people. It is ~2:00am at this point. Turn the lights on, wake everyone up, tell them they have to go outside. Naturally, some of the guys give the cops attitude. The looks on the faces of the cops when they got attitude was frightening. They were not pissed. They were not annoyed. They were not angry. They looked at them all almost with a knowing, almost amused expression as they watched everyone go outside.
While people are shuffling out, a lot of the ladies are actively saying ¨shut the fuck up!¨ to their men. The ladies are visibly afraid of the police. They are not afraid of getting arrested. They have the most primal fear of all in them; the fear of the unknown. Homeless people disappear here everyday. Jails, hospitals, morgues... a lot of them are just gone. Sure, some of them overdose and die in anonymity, but not all of them. My clients know something is wrong, but nobody knows the true extent of whatever is actually happening. If you ask me straight up, I´m just gonna say right now that I believe the homeless are actively being targeted and removed and I feel law enforcement is directly involved. I don´t care who I piss off by saying that. I have just seen too much weird shit to believe everything is normal.
We end up standing outside for over 2 hours. In this time, many of my clients choose to leave instead of standing outside on the pavement. By the time we are let back in, half of the clients have disappeared into the night. What´s worse, policy would prevent us from taking them back in even if they returned. The following night, we had lost ~15% of our regulars who have yet to return. For those who cannot read between the lines, I am implying that the cops are involved with deliberately making the shelter unlivable for clients. It is not legal to sleep on the street in Clark County. You can technically be arrested, especially if you have a tent. So, the cops have now separated these vulnerable people from the relative safety of our shelter and us people who care about them. Now hey are out there in the night and fuck knows what will happen to them.
My laptop broke down for the final time and I have not been able to replace it yet. I only have steady access to a computer when I am at work, so I´m going to do my best to get some BL in in my down time. It is really tough out there. I know a lot of you, like me, are making decisions like ¨should I buy food or medicine¨. The cost of living here has gone up to the point where, by working two jobs, like 55 hours weeks at least, I´m still essentially going broke. I am sad to say at this point that the amount of money I make is really not sustainable for many of the things I have become used to. Frankly, I worry every day now that our time is limited with my non-profit. There is little to no sympathy here for these people and the scarcity of money just makes it worse.
I am struggling right now trying to figure out how or what my life is going to become. On the current trajectory, I am just moving slowly toward oblivion like most of us are. Still, I try every day to find some joy in life, the people I work for and from my friends and family. Forgetting love and compassion is what has made us so terribly ill as a society. We can´t control the world, but we can control how we treat others. I have spent my life as a selfish asshole. I only hope that by the end, I will break even.
I will see you all on the forums. Sorry for the absence!
Palimpsest
Des Murs De Mots
Des Mots De Murs
Des Maux De Mots
Des Murs Devots
Au Camaieu Des Mots
By: Pour Le Art
In het Nederland s
MUREN VAN WOORDEN
WOORDEN VAN MUREN
WOORD PIJNEN
VROME MUREN
IN DE SCHADUW VAN WOORDEN
In English
WALL OF WORD S
WORD S OF WALL S
WORD ACHES
DEVOUT WALL S
IN THE SHADE OF WORDS
Which somewhere in 1992 appeared on walls in Paris,
made by a marginal printer/ word artist, Pour l' Art.
Who only was able to present it illegal to the public,
using only 2-nd grade material to work with. On wall s in Paris.
All the walls are cleaned now.
So the limited edition print of the photo is what remain s.
Of the OG and pictures of other people,
maybe the original material still exist s. Mysterious !
I found it a island further in a thrift shop. For close to zilch.
The photographer who made it:
Adri Verburg/ Paris-Middelburg [Zeeland] .
Who worked with Carrera Pers/ Middelburg.
And is permanent showed in Zierikzee/ Old City Mall Museum
But also in Amsterdam in the 'Old City Mall Museum' and Leiden
The Print Cabinet Museum. Pretty established artist.
Found a reference to Drukwerk in de Marge.
These trails i still have to follow, hence T.B.C.
To Be Continued. It is a disease the need to know.
Getting to the bottom of things, it frees the mind.
Puts the soul on ease.
The reason this 2-nd print of a French form of street art.
Ended in a thrift shop in Goes, which is near Middelburg.
Circle round till now.
It got a double meaning when i started writing,
Walls of Words allover Bluelight.
Derived from a school song, to learn French.
It got a extra meaning when my Walls formed its-self.
Been plastering the whole site with it.
In a daze of insomnia by mental torture through noise.
Brought by a 3-rd renovation round on my rent house.
[attempt 1 & 2 failure s] and Overdue maintenance.
Then clicked on ... [mister Ed, the horse] Blog.
And read the disaster he and his family are going through.
But the idea to Blog them instead of Walling my thought s.
That was
i gonna blog my word s. Problem dissolved !
All made sense, the puzzle solved to. Noise the culprit.
Stress, insomnia, seizure, Myalgia [without brown urine]
and totally insane driven by noise torture. Makes sense.
Men i slept on the couch and woke at midnight.
Turned of the lights headed to bed.to be woken by:
renovation activity noise, good-morning rotten world.
To discover i ate Sauerkraut with Tempeh last night.
I have no recollection cooking or eating,
nor falling asleep on the couch.
So this morning i declared war "metaphorically", to my landlord.
And started constructing a 3 stage Ballistic Missile from words.
Doing a etiquette tomorrow in my street, to find support.
Doing it collective is better, but the people here are scared.
To stick there head above the mowing line.
So it might become a solo thing. All By Myself.
Though i rather have some leverage [Hefboom],
makes a bigger point. But these island dweller s.
Not only they rather fuck their Mother, Father or Brother.
Then a genetic better distant lover.
They are all even bigger faggot s.
As it s UNACCEPTABLE, i will go to the bottom. Through the drain.
As its driving me insane. And change has to be-forced.
You don t wait for it to wash down on you like rain
But then again nothing like Ed and his family are going through.
eMKee
[And use this Blog instead of Bluelight to for-fill my need for,
venting/ sorry to anyone who encountered my wall. Skip em.
It was therapeutic for me, but irrelevant at the end].
We all got a backpack with troubles, mine is full.
If i don t create em myself i got a whole team,
creating em for me. I gonna leash myself.
emkee.
Des Murs De Mots
Des Mots De Murs
Des Maux De Mots
Des Murs Devots
Au Camaieu Des Mots
By: Pour Le Art
In het Nederland s
MUREN VAN WOORDEN
WOORDEN VAN MUREN
WOORD PIJNEN
VROME MUREN
IN DE SCHADUW VAN WOORDEN
In English
WALL OF WORD S
WORD S OF WALL S
WORD ACHES
DEVOUT WALL S
IN THE SHADE OF WORDS
Which somewhere in 1992 appeared on walls in Paris,
made by a marginal printer/ word artist, Pour l' Art.
Who only was able to present it illegal to the public,
using only 2-nd grade material to work with. On wall s in Paris.
All the walls are cleaned now.
So the limited edition print of the photo is what remain s.
Of the OG and pictures of other people,
maybe the original material still exist s. Mysterious !
I found it a island further in a thrift shop. For close to zilch.
The photographer who made it:
Adri Verburg/ Paris-Middelburg [Zeeland] .
Who worked with Carrera Pers/ Middelburg.
And is permanent showed in Zierikzee/ Old City Mall Museum
But also in Amsterdam in the 'Old City Mall Museum' and Leiden
The Print Cabinet Museum. Pretty established artist.
Found a reference to Drukwerk in de Marge.
These trails i still have to follow, hence T.B.C.
To Be Continued. It is a disease the need to know.
Getting to the bottom of things, it frees the mind.
Puts the soul on ease.
The reason this 2-nd print of a French form of street art.
Ended in a thrift shop in Goes, which is near Middelburg.
Circle round till now.
It got a double meaning when i started writing,
Walls of Words allover Bluelight.
Derived from a school song, to learn French.
It got a extra meaning when my Walls formed its-self.
Been plastering the whole site with it.
In a daze of insomnia by mental torture through noise.
Brought by a 3-rd renovation round on my rent house.
[attempt 1 & 2 failure s] and Overdue maintenance.
Then clicked on ... [mister Ed, the horse] Blog.
And read the disaster he and his family are going through.
But the idea to Blog them instead of Walling my thought s.
That was
i gonna blog my word s. Problem dissolved !All made sense, the puzzle solved to. Noise the culprit.
Stress, insomnia, seizure, Myalgia [without brown urine]
and totally insane driven by noise torture. Makes sense.
Men i slept on the couch and woke at midnight.
Turned of the lights headed to bed.to be woken by:
renovation activity noise, good-morning rotten world.
To discover i ate Sauerkraut with Tempeh last night.
I have no recollection cooking or eating,
nor falling asleep on the couch.
So this morning i declared war "metaphorically", to my landlord.
And started constructing a 3 stage Ballistic Missile from words.
Doing a etiquette tomorrow in my street, to find support.
Doing it collective is better, but the people here are scared.
To stick there head above the mowing line.
So it might become a solo thing. All By Myself.
Though i rather have some leverage [Hefboom],
makes a bigger point. But these island dweller s.
Not only they rather fuck their Mother, Father or Brother.
Then a genetic better distant lover.
They are all even bigger faggot s.
As it s UNACCEPTABLE, i will go to the bottom. Through the drain.
As its driving me insane. And change has to be-forced.
You don t wait for it to wash down on you like rain
But then again nothing like Ed and his family are going through.
eMKee
[And use this Blog instead of Bluelight to for-fill my need for,
venting/ sorry to anyone who encountered my wall. Skip em.
It was therapeutic for me, but irrelevant at the end].
We all got a backpack with troubles, mine is full.
If i don t create em myself i got a whole team,
creating em for me. I gonna leash myself.
emkee.
Welcome welcome my children. This is THE REAL, VERIFIED @Keif' Richards comin' at you with some more capital "T" Truth bombs (loud explosion sound effects). As the one and only voice of drug users globally, I have a responsibility; that responsibility is to regurgitate the most critical information; my knowledge, my experience, my philosophy; into the open beaks of our society, as does the Adult Emperor Penguin to Baby Emperor Penguin. Come on Penguin, I even included a Penguin reference in the story, how about some of that sweet publishing cash. What say you let yours truly, wet... his beak a little? But the crown weighs heavy, as they say. The constant clamor for more blog posts, more stories... more wisdom... my Gmail overfloweth. Still, this is important work. Continuing on from part 3 - The Mission to Fuck Criss Angel.
"Have you ever been photographed before?"
A short, stout man with an effeminate Southern accent was speaking to me. I had been working odd hours and finding sleep wherever I could. I looked up, rubbing my eyes. The man wore an unbuttoned dress shirt. Around his ample waist, a purple sash. A pink bandana on his head was complimented by a filthy eye patch. I realized only too late, I was on the strip and actively being groomed by a modern day pirate. On his waist was a scimitar, wooden yes, but still a perfect instrument for beating the shit out of someone. The pirate's eyes met mine and in them I saw the wild lust of a man who had been at sea for too long. His confidence; yes, it was clear this man had raped before, and would rape again.
Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw two uniformed police officers. I was saved. In that moment, I juked my would-be rapist whilst howling like a little girl for help. The officers turned around and I noticed a wry smile on their faces. "Where do you think you're going handsome?" said one of the cops, apparently having the exact same, weird, effeminate Southern accent of the pirate. "Did 3 gay dudes from New Orleans move up here just to cosplay and rape?" I didn't have time to ponder. My transgressors surrounded me and moved in slowly. I clenched my butthole as hard as I could. Then, I laughed, "isn't this town just whacky?".
I woke up in the office with my head on the keyboard. It was ~4am and my partner @Godjilla was busy with her crochet work. We had to start getting ready to wake people up. You have to make coffee, set out the free food if we have any, clean the tables off and make sure the laundry is straight for the day, among other record keeping. The place was only half-full. The absence of a large portion of our normal census provoked immediate dread and anxiety. Weird shit had been happening among not just us, but other non-profit operations of a similar nature.
For the record, this is all fiction, I'm not at all implying that any of what I'm writing is real or really happened, so there.
This story will continue momentarily, stay tuned.
"Have you ever been photographed before?"
A short, stout man with an effeminate Southern accent was speaking to me. I had been working odd hours and finding sleep wherever I could. I looked up, rubbing my eyes. The man wore an unbuttoned dress shirt. Around his ample waist, a purple sash. A pink bandana on his head was complimented by a filthy eye patch. I realized only too late, I was on the strip and actively being groomed by a modern day pirate. On his waist was a scimitar, wooden yes, but still a perfect instrument for beating the shit out of someone. The pirate's eyes met mine and in them I saw the wild lust of a man who had been at sea for too long. His confidence; yes, it was clear this man had raped before, and would rape again.
Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw two uniformed police officers. I was saved. In that moment, I juked my would-be rapist whilst howling like a little girl for help. The officers turned around and I noticed a wry smile on their faces. "Where do you think you're going handsome?" said one of the cops, apparently having the exact same, weird, effeminate Southern accent of the pirate. "Did 3 gay dudes from New Orleans move up here just to cosplay and rape?" I didn't have time to ponder. My transgressors surrounded me and moved in slowly. I clenched my butthole as hard as I could. Then, I laughed, "isn't this town just whacky?".
I woke up in the office with my head on the keyboard. It was ~4am and my partner @Godjilla was busy with her crochet work. We had to start getting ready to wake people up. You have to make coffee, set out the free food if we have any, clean the tables off and make sure the laundry is straight for the day, among other record keeping. The place was only half-full. The absence of a large portion of our normal census provoked immediate dread and anxiety. Weird shit had been happening among not just us, but other non-profit operations of a similar nature.
For the record, this is all fiction, I'm not at all implying that any of what I'm writing is real or really happened, so there.
This story will continue momentarily, stay tuned.
i thought i would start blogging on here assuming this is the blog page idk my brain is too fucked to understand forums with blogs im just used to forums with just forums
today is 05/06/2026 i believe ? yeah probably that. today i took 75 milligrams of diphenhydramine to kickstart the day, ive started using one pill less so instead of 4 dph in the morning i now take 3 because 4 would always start out euphoric then more euphoric then knock me out for an hour (usually in my morning free period) then id wake up and have a mild euphoria and sedation for the rest of the day
im thinking about quitting dph as it will fuck up my brain so i might switch to dxm or propylhexedrine as my daily drug
side note yes the dates are fucked up I started writing this yesterday then the dph I took knocked me out
hopefully I will make more art today as I just got my shipment of benzedrex
that will be all for this post
have fun people
today is 05/06/2026 i believe ? yeah probably that. today i took 75 milligrams of diphenhydramine to kickstart the day, ive started using one pill less so instead of 4 dph in the morning i now take 3 because 4 would always start out euphoric then more euphoric then knock me out for an hour (usually in my morning free period) then id wake up and have a mild euphoria and sedation for the rest of the day
im thinking about quitting dph as it will fuck up my brain so i might switch to dxm or propylhexedrine as my daily drug
side note yes the dates are fucked up I started writing this yesterday then the dph I took knocked me out
hopefully I will make more art today as I just got my shipment of benzedrex
that will be all for this post
have fun people
Hello my fellow miscreants,
I hope everyone is enjoying President's Day. Call me crazy, but I just feel infused with the spirit of the holiday season. President's Day was always a massively important holiday in my household. Tradition would hold that my Father would get coked up, have a few rum n' cokes, start fighting with my Mother (Why do I never get to go Scuba Diving?!?!?!) and my brother and I would play Mario Kart for a few hours. The fondest of memories. My Father would inevitably end up yelling about Bill Clinton. As a very young child, I appreciated the trust my parents gave me. They trusted me enough for me to learn what "jizz" meant several years prior to what one would consider an acceptable age. What a truly lucky boy, I thought. I didn't know much at that time, but I knew, one day, I too would jizz all over someone's nice dress and through the grace of God, I've jizzed not only on dresses, but indeed sweaters, socks, human hair, hamster hair and on days when my aim was true, into my own mouth as a parlor trick.
Anyway, what is my life like these days? Well, I'm a fool and always will be. I was put on this earth to make an ass out of myself for the humor and derision of my peers; perhaps to provide them with feelings of safety, security or esteem. "At least I'm not as fucking stupid as that guy, maybe there is hope... you know what, I'm getting off this bridge and going home to my family". Just when you think you have no purpose guys, you're totally useless, don't ever forget, your failure and misery can be catalysts for the happiness and success of others, so don't give up y'all. As the venerable Pamela Bondi would say "The Dow is at 50,000!" Does this mean anything to me? No, however, I'm sure it must be a very good thing.
I was due to start working a new job in Vermont. I fucking hate Vermont, okay? It is ridiculously expensive. It has no reason to be so expensive. It is like my home state, Massachusetts, except without any of the good stuff. Bad schools, high taxes, insane rent and a government that has completely fucked up the economy of the state, irreparably. The quality of life has reached a point of becoming completely untenable. I had just left a relationship that, as time passes, I realize just how totally fucked up it was. The state is full of hypocrites. They want all of the black and brown people to have everything and anything they need, just as long as they don't have to look at them or see them. They want the addicts to be taken care of, but they don't want to have to step over them on the street as it is just unsightly. People who refuse to eat animals, but can watch football players be made into mental retards for sport, running headlong into each other, rendering their brains into applesauce by the time they retire. People who say they they don't need luxury, but spend hundreds of dollars on useless shit, like a 400-500 dollar mask with lights on it that is supposed to make you younger. Then they argue about money. Hypocrites.
I got a job offer in my email. Las Vegas, a chance to be a caseworker and outreach worker for a Homeless Services non-profit. They offered me a 3,000 sign-on bonus if I would relocate and work for them. I though, "this is crazy". There was no way I could make a move like that. Then, I thought, it would be crazy to stay here. What does this state do for me, nothing. I contribute to the tax base and the liberal government spends the money as if they have not a single brain cells nor any personal experience. We put up homeless people in hotels, indefinitely, requiring nothing from them in return, no work, no volunteering, no programming. Look, you know I'm as liberal as they come, but there is nothing for free in this world. Help is just that, help. We, as human beings are required to help our fellows when able. We cannot, however, support people indefinitely with literally zero positive outlook. It doesn't matter how big your heart is, the reality is, nothing is free and help is meant to help people onto their feet. I don't care if that takes years, even fucking decades, as long as you are working toward a tangible goal.
A studio apartment in Burlington is ~1500 at least. In the Vegas metro, I'm able to get a shitty studio for 750. I am getting a one bedroom near the strip for 1200 with everything included once I get my money together. I'm working for this organization. I've been and done my paperwork, I have my identification and everything is a go. I've now worked two shifts and I must say, I'm really liking it out here thus far. It is too early to tell if I really will be comfortable here, but I was not comfortable in Vermont. I hated it. It had nothing for me and it was slowly suffocating me under the weight of the cost of living.
I had two weeks to get out here to start the job. I didn't have any money saved. I made the decision that I would use the money I had to buy a bus ticket halfway and then continue hitchhiking from Chicago the rest of the way. I have hitched before and I know the rules. Make sure your hair is combed, you don't smell bad, tell them the type of work that I do and always keep a smile on your face. Do not ever talk about politics. DO NOT EVER TALK ABOUT POLITICS.
So I spent the last of the money I had on the ticket out to Chicago. I've hitched before and I know making it to Chicago is the best way to stage the rest of your trip out west. The fact that it is such a big city and a major transportation hub makes it easy. Even if this was not the most direct route to Vegas, I gambled that it would be easier ultimately. I collected a week of Methadone from my clinic, got as many scripts as I could cobble together and got on that fucking bus. The feeling of leaving Vermont was euphoric. I had never liked it. I had never intended on staying longer than a year or two. I had always known I'd go back to Boston. I didn't. I was never able to get past living paycheck to paycheck. The breakup I went through caused me to blow through all of the money that I had trying to live. I was leaving all of that behind. All of the bullshit, all of the confusion, all of the false-love that I had felt. I knew, I was taking a risk, but I had to. I was done sitting and waiting for life to happen.
I made it to Chicago. I left with 50 dollars in my pocket which I intended to use for food. I hitched with a family who was traveling to the Grand Canyon. This was a blessing. They actually fed me, talked to me and were just generally very friendly. We were in the car together for about 10 hours. They had 3 kids with them. I paid my way by keeping the little ones occupied and smiling. It was the husband, wife, then me and the three kids in the back. I was telling them stories and jokes and just trying to make them laugh. I feel like the parents were ultimately thankful for my babysitting the kids. I've worked with kids my whole life and I frankly enjoy little kids (in appropriate doses), so this encounter was nice. I ended up breaking away from them in North Texas, right around Lubbock. They didn't ask for any money, though I offered. They even gave me a sandwich and a coke to take with me. Don't ever forget there are nice people out there in this cruel world guys.
North Texas to Vegas was undoubtedly the shittiest part of this journey. I ended up spending 24 hours at a truck stop in Tucumcari, NM waiting for a ride to take me further west. This town is NOTHING. It is about 2,000 people and it was the hub city for everywhere within 2-3 hours. I rode with one trucker. We ended up at odds as he was listening to the radio and we ended up talking about ICE and I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Most truckers are quite conservative. I knew this, but chose to open my mouth. This should have been a straight shot, but I got kicked out halfway to Gallup. Luckily, I immediately found another trucker who got me to Gallup. I again ended up stranded in Gallup for 48 hours. I was starting to think I was never gonna fucking get out. Now, by the time I got to Gallup, I had been on the road for a total of 8 days, so I was out of Methadone. I was starting to get sick and there weren't a lot of places to stay there.
I ended up going to this hotel on Route 66 in Gallup. I did my best to charm the pretty girl who was working the front desk. I believe a more handsome, more charming man could have gotten a room. However, I'm just as God made me; this is a problem. I explained that I was on my way to a job as a social worker in Las Vegas. I spoke a little bit about my political views (everyone working there was either Indian or Latin) and they looked upon me with some pity. They allowed me to sleep in the lobby of their hotel and I was so thankful. They allowed me to use the shower too which was just amazing for me, as I was just dirty as fuck by this point.
I eventually made it out of Gallup. I was able to get a ride to Boulder City. Mind you, I literally had nothing at this point. I literally had zero money. I was entirely reliant upon the kindness of others to get me places. I didn't even have money to take the bus from Boulder City to Vegas. It seemed I was going to then be stuck in Boulder City, with Vegas tantalizingly close. I explained my situation to the people working at a convenience store and the middle-aged lady working the counter said she would give me a ride wherever I needed to go as soon as her shift was over. Man, I felt like I was just getting lucky my whole way through here. The kindness shown to me by these strangers was great in a two-fold way. First, I needed the practical help they provided, but I was also pleased to see they were so willing to offer kindness to this complete stranger. The whole thing, my trip, warmed my heart in this way.
I got to Vegas a couple of days ago. The organization I'm working for operates the largest low-barrier shelter in the vicinity. They have sleeping areas for staff. Part of why I came out here with nothing was because I knew I could rely on them for shelter until I had the bread I needed to get my own place. I have my eye on a one-bedroom close to the strip and close to my work. That is the dream at this point.
I've only worked a couple of shifts, but every indication is that this is the right place for me. My job is to be a support for the homeless community, be it emotional, physical or helping them to connect with the services they need. Also, I will be in charge of a 3 person team and we will be doing outreach near the Strip. This outreach is just a mobile application of the same work I would be doing within the shelter physically. I have always wanted to do street outreach. Like I said, it's too early to judge, but I am getting signals from the universe that this is the right decision. It was absolutely crazy to move somewhere with nothing, but something in my gut told me it was the right thing. I would get the sign-on bonus after a few months and this would enable me to truly start over.
I am currently staying at my work, working full-time and generally, kicking ass all things considered. This was an insane risk. I could've ended up in some seriously sticky situations considering my drug dependencies. I trusted in God and hoped that I would b seen through and I was. I'm currently dead-ass broke until I get my first paycheck. The upside to all of this is that they pay weekly, so I will be starting to generate income in just a little while. I've got enough scripts to get me through until I have money to pay an urgent care. I am only able to get Methadone by going to the ER at this point because I can't yet pay the clinic here and I'm not insured. I'm kind of just doing that every other day, however it really sucks because it's always 4-5 hours at the ER and that means a large part of my free time is consumed by getting Methadone. This was something I knew would happen. I have to wait until I've got some income, then I can start checking these things off.
I made a crazy decision, but everything has worked out thus far, albeit with a small dose of pain. I can't truly complain. I'm here and I have a job. I have to endure life as a bum for a week, then I can start rebuilding. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read my little misery-porn-blog. I have every hope of turning this into an optimism-porn-blog. This cosmic, eternal fool, perhaps he can make us all laugh at his stupidity without him having to live in a cold, miserable world of pain? Perhaps I can just be a lovable rogue. I can have friends, optimism and a decent life, even if King John eventually hangs my ass, people will remember me fondly. Until next time guys.
Keif' Richards
I hope everyone is enjoying President's Day. Call me crazy, but I just feel infused with the spirit of the holiday season. President's Day was always a massively important holiday in my household. Tradition would hold that my Father would get coked up, have a few rum n' cokes, start fighting with my Mother (Why do I never get to go Scuba Diving?!?!?!) and my brother and I would play Mario Kart for a few hours. The fondest of memories. My Father would inevitably end up yelling about Bill Clinton. As a very young child, I appreciated the trust my parents gave me. They trusted me enough for me to learn what "jizz" meant several years prior to what one would consider an acceptable age. What a truly lucky boy, I thought. I didn't know much at that time, but I knew, one day, I too would jizz all over someone's nice dress and through the grace of God, I've jizzed not only on dresses, but indeed sweaters, socks, human hair, hamster hair and on days when my aim was true, into my own mouth as a parlor trick.
Anyway, what is my life like these days? Well, I'm a fool and always will be. I was put on this earth to make an ass out of myself for the humor and derision of my peers; perhaps to provide them with feelings of safety, security or esteem. "At least I'm not as fucking stupid as that guy, maybe there is hope... you know what, I'm getting off this bridge and going home to my family". Just when you think you have no purpose guys, you're totally useless, don't ever forget, your failure and misery can be catalysts for the happiness and success of others, so don't give up y'all. As the venerable Pamela Bondi would say "The Dow is at 50,000!" Does this mean anything to me? No, however, I'm sure it must be a very good thing.
I was due to start working a new job in Vermont. I fucking hate Vermont, okay? It is ridiculously expensive. It has no reason to be so expensive. It is like my home state, Massachusetts, except without any of the good stuff. Bad schools, high taxes, insane rent and a government that has completely fucked up the economy of the state, irreparably. The quality of life has reached a point of becoming completely untenable. I had just left a relationship that, as time passes, I realize just how totally fucked up it was. The state is full of hypocrites. They want all of the black and brown people to have everything and anything they need, just as long as they don't have to look at them or see them. They want the addicts to be taken care of, but they don't want to have to step over them on the street as it is just unsightly. People who refuse to eat animals, but can watch football players be made into mental retards for sport, running headlong into each other, rendering their brains into applesauce by the time they retire. People who say they they don't need luxury, but spend hundreds of dollars on useless shit, like a 400-500 dollar mask with lights on it that is supposed to make you younger. Then they argue about money. Hypocrites.
I got a job offer in my email. Las Vegas, a chance to be a caseworker and outreach worker for a Homeless Services non-profit. They offered me a 3,000 sign-on bonus if I would relocate and work for them. I though, "this is crazy". There was no way I could make a move like that. Then, I thought, it would be crazy to stay here. What does this state do for me, nothing. I contribute to the tax base and the liberal government spends the money as if they have not a single brain cells nor any personal experience. We put up homeless people in hotels, indefinitely, requiring nothing from them in return, no work, no volunteering, no programming. Look, you know I'm as liberal as they come, but there is nothing for free in this world. Help is just that, help. We, as human beings are required to help our fellows when able. We cannot, however, support people indefinitely with literally zero positive outlook. It doesn't matter how big your heart is, the reality is, nothing is free and help is meant to help people onto their feet. I don't care if that takes years, even fucking decades, as long as you are working toward a tangible goal.
A studio apartment in Burlington is ~1500 at least. In the Vegas metro, I'm able to get a shitty studio for 750. I am getting a one bedroom near the strip for 1200 with everything included once I get my money together. I'm working for this organization. I've been and done my paperwork, I have my identification and everything is a go. I've now worked two shifts and I must say, I'm really liking it out here thus far. It is too early to tell if I really will be comfortable here, but I was not comfortable in Vermont. I hated it. It had nothing for me and it was slowly suffocating me under the weight of the cost of living.
I had two weeks to get out here to start the job. I didn't have any money saved. I made the decision that I would use the money I had to buy a bus ticket halfway and then continue hitchhiking from Chicago the rest of the way. I have hitched before and I know the rules. Make sure your hair is combed, you don't smell bad, tell them the type of work that I do and always keep a smile on your face. Do not ever talk about politics. DO NOT EVER TALK ABOUT POLITICS.
So I spent the last of the money I had on the ticket out to Chicago. I've hitched before and I know making it to Chicago is the best way to stage the rest of your trip out west. The fact that it is such a big city and a major transportation hub makes it easy. Even if this was not the most direct route to Vegas, I gambled that it would be easier ultimately. I collected a week of Methadone from my clinic, got as many scripts as I could cobble together and got on that fucking bus. The feeling of leaving Vermont was euphoric. I had never liked it. I had never intended on staying longer than a year or two. I had always known I'd go back to Boston. I didn't. I was never able to get past living paycheck to paycheck. The breakup I went through caused me to blow through all of the money that I had trying to live. I was leaving all of that behind. All of the bullshit, all of the confusion, all of the false-love that I had felt. I knew, I was taking a risk, but I had to. I was done sitting and waiting for life to happen.
I made it to Chicago. I left with 50 dollars in my pocket which I intended to use for food. I hitched with a family who was traveling to the Grand Canyon. This was a blessing. They actually fed me, talked to me and were just generally very friendly. We were in the car together for about 10 hours. They had 3 kids with them. I paid my way by keeping the little ones occupied and smiling. It was the husband, wife, then me and the three kids in the back. I was telling them stories and jokes and just trying to make them laugh. I feel like the parents were ultimately thankful for my babysitting the kids. I've worked with kids my whole life and I frankly enjoy little kids (in appropriate doses), so this encounter was nice. I ended up breaking away from them in North Texas, right around Lubbock. They didn't ask for any money, though I offered. They even gave me a sandwich and a coke to take with me. Don't ever forget there are nice people out there in this cruel world guys.
North Texas to Vegas was undoubtedly the shittiest part of this journey. I ended up spending 24 hours at a truck stop in Tucumcari, NM waiting for a ride to take me further west. This town is NOTHING. It is about 2,000 people and it was the hub city for everywhere within 2-3 hours. I rode with one trucker. We ended up at odds as he was listening to the radio and we ended up talking about ICE and I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Most truckers are quite conservative. I knew this, but chose to open my mouth. This should have been a straight shot, but I got kicked out halfway to Gallup. Luckily, I immediately found another trucker who got me to Gallup. I again ended up stranded in Gallup for 48 hours. I was starting to think I was never gonna fucking get out. Now, by the time I got to Gallup, I had been on the road for a total of 8 days, so I was out of Methadone. I was starting to get sick and there weren't a lot of places to stay there.
I ended up going to this hotel on Route 66 in Gallup. I did my best to charm the pretty girl who was working the front desk. I believe a more handsome, more charming man could have gotten a room. However, I'm just as God made me; this is a problem. I explained that I was on my way to a job as a social worker in Las Vegas. I spoke a little bit about my political views (everyone working there was either Indian or Latin) and they looked upon me with some pity. They allowed me to sleep in the lobby of their hotel and I was so thankful. They allowed me to use the shower too which was just amazing for me, as I was just dirty as fuck by this point.
I eventually made it out of Gallup. I was able to get a ride to Boulder City. Mind you, I literally had nothing at this point. I literally had zero money. I was entirely reliant upon the kindness of others to get me places. I didn't even have money to take the bus from Boulder City to Vegas. It seemed I was going to then be stuck in Boulder City, with Vegas tantalizingly close. I explained my situation to the people working at a convenience store and the middle-aged lady working the counter said she would give me a ride wherever I needed to go as soon as her shift was over. Man, I felt like I was just getting lucky my whole way through here. The kindness shown to me by these strangers was great in a two-fold way. First, I needed the practical help they provided, but I was also pleased to see they were so willing to offer kindness to this complete stranger. The whole thing, my trip, warmed my heart in this way.
I got to Vegas a couple of days ago. The organization I'm working for operates the largest low-barrier shelter in the vicinity. They have sleeping areas for staff. Part of why I came out here with nothing was because I knew I could rely on them for shelter until I had the bread I needed to get my own place. I have my eye on a one-bedroom close to the strip and close to my work. That is the dream at this point.
I've only worked a couple of shifts, but every indication is that this is the right place for me. My job is to be a support for the homeless community, be it emotional, physical or helping them to connect with the services they need. Also, I will be in charge of a 3 person team and we will be doing outreach near the Strip. This outreach is just a mobile application of the same work I would be doing within the shelter physically. I have always wanted to do street outreach. Like I said, it's too early to judge, but I am getting signals from the universe that this is the right decision. It was absolutely crazy to move somewhere with nothing, but something in my gut told me it was the right thing. I would get the sign-on bonus after a few months and this would enable me to truly start over.
I am currently staying at my work, working full-time and generally, kicking ass all things considered. This was an insane risk. I could've ended up in some seriously sticky situations considering my drug dependencies. I trusted in God and hoped that I would b seen through and I was. I'm currently dead-ass broke until I get my first paycheck. The upside to all of this is that they pay weekly, so I will be starting to generate income in just a little while. I've got enough scripts to get me through until I have money to pay an urgent care. I am only able to get Methadone by going to the ER at this point because I can't yet pay the clinic here and I'm not insured. I'm kind of just doing that every other day, however it really sucks because it's always 4-5 hours at the ER and that means a large part of my free time is consumed by getting Methadone. This was something I knew would happen. I have to wait until I've got some income, then I can start checking these things off.
I made a crazy decision, but everything has worked out thus far, albeit with a small dose of pain. I can't truly complain. I'm here and I have a job. I have to endure life as a bum for a week, then I can start rebuilding. I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read my little misery-porn-blog. I have every hope of turning this into an optimism-porn-blog. This cosmic, eternal fool, perhaps he can make us all laugh at his stupidity without him having to live in a cold, miserable world of pain? Perhaps I can just be a lovable rogue. I can have friends, optimism and a decent life, even if King John eventually hangs my ass, people will remember me fondly. Until next time guys.
Keif' Richards
───────────────────────
I made a post in this subreddit a while back about how I got drugged by a person who I thought was a friend. Long story short, he put 3 tabs in an edible and had me take it. I ended up having the wildest trip in my life.
People in this subreddit and my gf encouraged me to drop him as a friend as well as my entire friend group since they encouraged it.
Well… I heard through another friend that this idiot did it again, this time to someone I don’t know.
───────────────────────
Read more: https://www.reddit.com/r/LSD/comments/1sy03qk/friend_who_put_tabs_in_my_edible_strikes_again/
I made a post in this subreddit a while back about how I got drugged by a person who I thought was a friend. Long story short, he put 3 tabs in an edible and had me take it. I ended up having the wildest trip in my life.
People in this subreddit and my gf encouraged me to drop him as a friend as well as my entire friend group since they encouraged it.
Well… I heard through another friend that this idiot did it again, this time to someone I don’t know.
───────────────────────
Read more: https://www.reddit.com/r/LSD/comments/1sy03qk/friend_who_put_tabs_in_my_edible_strikes_again/
Hello my fellow miscreants. I´m reporting to you live from Las Vegas, NV. I´ve had the pleasure in my stupid, foolish life to experience some of the most beautiful places in the world. I´ve gotten to walk around Ankor so jammed I was asked to leave. I have been to a Kiss concert in Manchester, NH so jammed that I was asked to leave. I´ve walked the streets of Istanbul, so jammed that I was ¨asked to leave¨. Well, times change and I´m not getting nearly as jammed, nearly as frequently. I´m unable to function as a full-time junkie at my advanced age. I guess I picked a bad time to stop doing Heroin, because now I´m in this shithole. If a city can indeed be ¨alive¨, then that means necessarily that a city can also be ¨dead¨. Las Vegas is a dying city. It is a model that a charicature artist has redone over and over, using the previous charicature as the guide for the next one. Vegas is a bad joke and the punchline is that life is fucking depressing here.
They say that the Luxor is haunted. I had some time to kill before I had to be at work. I don´t have any money to speak of, so I stick out like a sore thumb in these places. They say that Criss Angel lives in the very top of this ridiculous, Egyptian-themed cum 90´s cultural abortion casino. I walked the main atrium. Being that the building is a literal fucking pyramid, they have these special Wonka-vator contraptions that operate diagonally. Do I dare step into the elevator? Surely the Criss Angel penthouse isn´t so easily accessed. Come to think of it, he probably just teleports. Mindfreak. I have many goals in my life right now. I have dreams of getting my driver´s license and getting a shitty car. I also have dreams of having enough liquid income to court Criss Angel´s attention. Lots of random people die/commit suicide in this place. The atrium is practically made for it. I can only imagine that the magic field emitted by Criss Angel´s dark arts have some kind of effect upon the hotel,
I´ve been doing casework at the Rescue Mission herre in the city for a couple of months now. They have been busting up homeless encampments it seems every other day. We are seeing people coming in in waves. We now have people sleeping on every open floor space in the mission. We were not prepared for this influx of people. We ended up with both a bed bug infestation and a ringworm outbreak within the same week. These people cannot be adequately cleaned or quarantined. It´s a fucked up situation.
The law in Clark County is something like: it is illegal to sleep outside in public spaces if there are ANY beds available at ANY shelter in the county. Conservatives I speak with in the course of my work (the fire department, lots of EMT´s, cops of course) think this is a great humanitarian victory. In reality, we do not remotely have the resources to provide safe, hygienic support for these people. The outbreaks of infectious conditions is troubling. It means nobody wants to stay outside. Naturally, people do not tolerate sleeping with bed bugs and god knows what. They leave to sleep outside. I hear the next day from a friend/acquaintance that they were arrested for what amounts to ¨Vagrancy¨ to use an older term. To put this in perspective, there was one guy who was allegedly arrested and he hasn´t been seen for over a month; not at the mission and not been seen by his people on the street.
There are a lo of really fucked up rumors that have gathered steam. One of these rumors is that homeless people are being murdered/abducted with impunity by who the fuck knows. I´m not actually living out there with these folks and I only get to see them briefly at night. However, it is pretty much not questioned by any in the homeless community that people are disappearing. People have stories that are frankly a little chilling. Some say it´s the cops. Some say it´s red-blooded Americans trying to take back their streets as vigilantes. Who knows. At this point, I find it hard to deny based upon the convivtion with which these people believe. People are afraid of the police. I´m not saying they dislike the police, hate the police, resent the police; people are afraid of the police because nobody knows what the fuck is actually happening.
I´ve been staying at the shelter in the office which is quarantined from the rest of the shelter. Alternatively, I stay with my coworker Jill. We have an arrangement that I´m not going to get into, but we are surviving and working together. We do not make a ton of money. I make 25/hr as does she. She is relatively new to Nevada as well and we have joined forces and that has helped me get acclimated to this place. I´m only just now beginning to get comfortable here. We have goals now. It looks like if we combine our resources, we could be in a decent place near our work that isn´t terrible.
I understand we are in tough times right now. I see it everyday with my clientele. Their state gets worse every day. I don´t believe anyone should be wearing clothing infested with bed bugs that is worn until it disintegrates. This is America. I only hope that we are able to come together and find a way to love and understand one another. We have to find a way out of this partisanship and stop fighitng and start working together. The planet is dying and we have literal retarded/satanic-pedophiles running our country. I don´t claim to have the answer. I just know that people need support. I needed plenty of help just to get to the relatively low level of functionality with which I live my life. I´m grateful to God and everyone who has been there for me. It´s for that reason that I have the will in my heart to be there for the peope who are still out there struggling.
I´m making a vested effort to get back into the forums. Plase forgive me fam. I´ve been adjusting to this new place, a new job, new relationhips with new people and it´s all a lot. As I get a little more comfortable and used to the day to day, I have more speace available in my brain. For now, I´m going to try to find an app that can teach me magic the same way Duolingo taught me Spanish. Itt´s unlikely that someone as magical as the Mindfuck himsef would take notice of someone as un-magical as myself. This is my own Harry Potter story, just with more drugs, more nudity and more hookers.
-Keif
They say that the Luxor is haunted. I had some time to kill before I had to be at work. I don´t have any money to speak of, so I stick out like a sore thumb in these places. They say that Criss Angel lives in the very top of this ridiculous, Egyptian-themed cum 90´s cultural abortion casino. I walked the main atrium. Being that the building is a literal fucking pyramid, they have these special Wonka-vator contraptions that operate diagonally. Do I dare step into the elevator? Surely the Criss Angel penthouse isn´t so easily accessed. Come to think of it, he probably just teleports. Mindfreak. I have many goals in my life right now. I have dreams of getting my driver´s license and getting a shitty car. I also have dreams of having enough liquid income to court Criss Angel´s attention. Lots of random people die/commit suicide in this place. The atrium is practically made for it. I can only imagine that the magic field emitted by Criss Angel´s dark arts have some kind of effect upon the hotel,
I´ve been doing casework at the Rescue Mission herre in the city for a couple of months now. They have been busting up homeless encampments it seems every other day. We are seeing people coming in in waves. We now have people sleeping on every open floor space in the mission. We were not prepared for this influx of people. We ended up with both a bed bug infestation and a ringworm outbreak within the same week. These people cannot be adequately cleaned or quarantined. It´s a fucked up situation.
The law in Clark County is something like: it is illegal to sleep outside in public spaces if there are ANY beds available at ANY shelter in the county. Conservatives I speak with in the course of my work (the fire department, lots of EMT´s, cops of course) think this is a great humanitarian victory. In reality, we do not remotely have the resources to provide safe, hygienic support for these people. The outbreaks of infectious conditions is troubling. It means nobody wants to stay outside. Naturally, people do not tolerate sleeping with bed bugs and god knows what. They leave to sleep outside. I hear the next day from a friend/acquaintance that they were arrested for what amounts to ¨Vagrancy¨ to use an older term. To put this in perspective, there was one guy who was allegedly arrested and he hasn´t been seen for over a month; not at the mission and not been seen by his people on the street.
There are a lo of really fucked up rumors that have gathered steam. One of these rumors is that homeless people are being murdered/abducted with impunity by who the fuck knows. I´m not actually living out there with these folks and I only get to see them briefly at night. However, it is pretty much not questioned by any in the homeless community that people are disappearing. People have stories that are frankly a little chilling. Some say it´s the cops. Some say it´s red-blooded Americans trying to take back their streets as vigilantes. Who knows. At this point, I find it hard to deny based upon the convivtion with which these people believe. People are afraid of the police. I´m not saying they dislike the police, hate the police, resent the police; people are afraid of the police because nobody knows what the fuck is actually happening.
I´ve been staying at the shelter in the office which is quarantined from the rest of the shelter. Alternatively, I stay with my coworker Jill. We have an arrangement that I´m not going to get into, but we are surviving and working together. We do not make a ton of money. I make 25/hr as does she. She is relatively new to Nevada as well and we have joined forces and that has helped me get acclimated to this place. I´m only just now beginning to get comfortable here. We have goals now. It looks like if we combine our resources, we could be in a decent place near our work that isn´t terrible.
I understand we are in tough times right now. I see it everyday with my clientele. Their state gets worse every day. I don´t believe anyone should be wearing clothing infested with bed bugs that is worn until it disintegrates. This is America. I only hope that we are able to come together and find a way to love and understand one another. We have to find a way out of this partisanship and stop fighitng and start working together. The planet is dying and we have literal retarded/satanic-pedophiles running our country. I don´t claim to have the answer. I just know that people need support. I needed plenty of help just to get to the relatively low level of functionality with which I live my life. I´m grateful to God and everyone who has been there for me. It´s for that reason that I have the will in my heart to be there for the peope who are still out there struggling.
I´m making a vested effort to get back into the forums. Plase forgive me fam. I´ve been adjusting to this new place, a new job, new relationhips with new people and it´s all a lot. As I get a little more comfortable and used to the day to day, I have more speace available in my brain. For now, I´m going to try to find an app that can teach me magic the same way Duolingo taught me Spanish. Itt´s unlikely that someone as magical as the Mindfuck himsef would take notice of someone as un-magical as myself. This is my own Harry Potter story, just with more drugs, more nudity and more hookers.
-Keif
If you had told me in 2019 I'd get 7 years with her I'd have taken that offer so fast your head would still be spinning.today at its conclusion. But time I've learned is less a commodity and more a torture device. You can't buy it sell it keep it. It's only appreciated through its loss like as a kid when the screen flashed times up Starfox! You lose.....
Being honest with myself I can even see why this might not be a terrible thing. She is a violent manipulative psychopath and that's just the obvious shit. She's lazy never wrong. Quick to blame me. I truly believe her main goal in life is too make me dope sick. It's yours if I buy the bag and hers if she buys it. She gaslights constantly truly an awful pos human......
But I fucking still love her.ci believed for years that I was the problem. I literally replaced my mom with her....... Damn...... That's fucked up. I just fucking a
Being honest with myself I can even see why this might not be a terrible thing. She is a violent manipulative psychopath and that's just the obvious shit. She's lazy never wrong. Quick to blame me. I truly believe her main goal in life is too make me dope sick. It's yours if I buy the bag and hers if she buys it. She gaslights constantly truly an awful pos human......
But I fucking still love her.ci believed for years that I was the problem. I literally replaced my mom with her....... Damn...... That's fucked up. I just fucking a
Separation of four isomers of lysergic acid α-hydroxyethylamide by liquid chromatography and their spectroscopic identification. Flieger, M., Sedmera, P., Vokoun, J., R̆ic̄icovā, A., R̆ehác̆ek, Z. 1982. Journal of Chromatography A, 236(2), 441–452. 10.1016/S0021-9673(00)84895-5
**SUMMARY**
A method is described for the separation of four isomers of lysergic acid α-hydroxyethylamide and its decomposition products ergine and erginine using LiChrosorb NH₂ as the stationary phase and isocratic elution. The substances under study were determined by ¹³C and ¹H NMR and mass spectroscopy. The relative proportions of individual isomers of lysergic acid α-hydroxyethylamide, ergine and erginine in the fermentation medium are assumed to result from chemical equilibrium reactions. The method is reproducible and suitable for kinetic studies of the isomerization and degradation of lysergic acid α-hydroxyethylamide.
**INTRODUCTION**
Lysergic acid α-hydroxyethylamide (LAH) is an important substrate of semi-synthetic ergot alkaloids. In fermentation production, LAH¹ decomposes spontaneously² and is thus found in a mixture with ergine and erginine³. These compounds are also formed on heating ergotamine⁴; other products include C(8) and C(2') epimers. The same isomerization products were found to be formed on heating other cyclol alkaloids with dilute acid⁵⁻⁸. The analysis of these compounds was carried out by Bethke et al.⁹, who determined ergotamine and the products of its isomerization, hydrolytic and addition reactions by liquid chromatography on a reversed phase. Our aim was to elaborate a separation method for the isomerization and decomposition products of LAH. Because of the considerable instability of the compounds under study it was necessary to prepare reference samples from fermentation broth. The elaboration of the high-performance liquid chromatographic (HPLC) method was based on earlier results⁹.
**EXPERIMENTAL**
*Fermentation*
The method of cultivation of the saprophytic strain Claviceps paspali F 2056 and the conditions of submerged fermentation were described earlier¹⁰.
**Alkaloid extraction**
On the fourteenth day of fermentation the culture broth was adjusted to pH 9 with aqueous ammonia and extracted with chloroform-isopropanol (4:1); the chloroform layer was separated, dried over sodium sulphate and evaporated to dryness under reduced pressure at a temperature below 15°C. The crude extract was partially dissolved in chloroform, undissolved substances were filtered off and the solvent was evaporated. The crude extract enriched in iso-compounds was dissolved in chloroform-methanol (4:1) and used directly for semi-preparative liquid chromatography.
**Reagents**
Ergine, erginine, ergometrine and ergometrinine standards were obtained from Galena (Opava, Czechoslovakia). The solvents diethyl ether, chloroform, methanol, ethanol and isopropanol (Lachema, Brno, Czechoslovakia) were of analytical reagent grade and were distilled before use. The stationary phase was MicroPak NH₂, particle size 10 μm (Merck, Darmstadt, G.F.R.), in a ready packed column (50 cm × 8 mm I.D.) (Varian Aerograph, Walnut Creek, CA, U.S.A.).
**Instruments**
Semi-preparative liquid chromatography was carried out on an apparatus consisting of a VCM 300 high-pressure micropump and a variable-wavelength UV detector (both from Development Workshops, Czechoslovak Academy of Sciences, Prague, Czechoslovakia). The substances were eluted isocratically with diethyl ether-ethanol (9:1) as the mobile phase.
Mass spectra were measured on a Varian-MAT 311 instrument under the following conditions: energy of ionizing electrons, 70 eV; ionizing current, 1 mA; ion source temperature, 200°C; direct inlet system operated at 110-180°C. The elemental composition of the ions was determined by the peak-matching technique (± 5 ppm; perfluorokerosene standard).
¹H and ¹³C NMR spectra were measured on a JEOL FX-60 spectrometer (59.797 and 15.036 MHz, Fourier transform mode, 25°C) in a mixture of deuteriochloroform and perdeuteriomethanol (4:1). The CDCl₃ signal was used as a lock. Chemical shifts were referred to internal tetramethylsilane and were calculated with an accuracy of ± 0.005 and ± 0.06 ppm for the digitally obtained address differences.
UV spectra were measured on a Variscan LC instrument immediately during the qualitative determination by a stop-flow method.
**RESULTS**
**Liquid chromatography**
Analysis of an alkaloid mixture produced under submerged condition by the fungus C. paspali F 2056 revealed eight alkaloids in the extract. The elution times of four of them corresponded to ergine (V), erginine (VI), ergometrine (VII) and ergometrinine (VIII) (Table I, Fig. 1). The other four substances had elution times that did not correspond to any standard at our disposal and had to be isolated by semi-preparative liquid chromatography in order to determine their structures.
Semi-preparative liquid chromatography was carried out under the conditions given in the legend to Fig. 1. To obtain sufficient amounts of pure standard substances the chromatographic cycle was repeated 20 times; to prevent possible changes in the structures of the substances (isomerization, degradation), the individual fractions were immediately evaporated to dryness after each cycle under reduced pressure at 5-10°C. Analyses of the individual fractions showed that compounds I, II, IV and VI (Fig. 2) were obtained in pure form whereas compounds III and V were mixtures. The resulting standard compounds were used for identification.
**Identification of substances**
All components of the mixture analysed provided suitable UV spectra of Δ⁹'¹⁰-ergolene derivatives. The mass spectra (Table II) always exhibited an ion of m/z 267 (C₁₆H₁₇N₂O) and ions of the fragmentation series typical of ergine (V)¹¹. They are therefore substances derived from either ergine or erginine. The observed type of fragmentation and the character of the UV spectra preclude the presence of amides of Δ⁸'⁹-ergolenic acid (paspalic acid).
It is possible to distinguish the above derivatives by ¹H and ¹³C NMR spectroscopy. Compounds V and VI differ in the orientation of substitutent on C(8) (Fig. 2); in lysergic acid the substitutent is pseudo-equatorial whereas in isolysergic acid is pseudo-axial. The dihedral angle H(8)–C(8)–C(9)–H(9) in the former instance is close to 90°C, causing a small or zero value of J₈,₉; in the latter instance the protons are nearly staggered and the coupling constant may be larger. Using this rule, compounds II, IV and VI can be classified into an iso-series whereas I, III, and V belong to the normal series. The coincidence of the elution time of compound VI with that of an authentic erginine preparation (VI) confirms the correctness of this deduction.
Comparison of the ¹³C NMR spectra of the pairs ergometrine (VII)–ergometrinine (VIII)¹² and ergine (V)–erginine (VI) (Table III) indicates that the largest differences in chemical shifts are observed on C(7), C(8) and C(9). In the iso series the C(8) always resonates in a lower field and C(7) and C(9) in a higher field than in the normal series. The observed values (Table III) agree with the above classification. The non-stoichiometric ratio of the intensities of some signals in the ¹H NMR spectrum of fraction III–V indicates that this is a mixture of substances insufficiently separated by HPLC. Comparison with an authentic standard showed that compound V was ergine.
In the ¹H NMR spectra of compounds I, II, IV and mixture III–V (Table IV) the double resonance proved the presence of the CH₃CH(OH)NH–moiety. The carbon atoms of this group exhibit resonances at 21 and 70 ppm (off-resonance: quartet and doublet) in ¹³C NMR spectra (Table III). These findings allow one to interpret the peak with the highest m/z 293 in the mass spectrum as an M—H₂O peak (Table II). The compounds are therefore isomers of α-hydroxyethylamide of the isolysergic and lysergic acids. Compounds II and IV differ in the magnitude of the coupling constant between the NH proton and the secondary alcoholic group of the methine (< 1 Hz and 6.1 Hz); they are therefore epimers on Cₓ of the side-chain. Compounds I and III form a similar pair. The carbon atom Cₓ in isomers with higher J_NH,H₁ value (III and IV) resonates 0.7 ppm downfield of their counterparts I and II. Examples of epimers of lysergic acid dialkylamides hydroxylated in the side-chain were described by Ishii et al.¹³. Although they gave no values for the appropriate coupling constants, the recorded spectrum shows that the epimers also differ in the magnitude of the vicinal constant of the OCH proton. This is probably due to the different population of rotamers caused by different possibilities for hydrogen bond formation. The average conformation observed in the NMR spectra has similar values of chemical shifts for epimer pairs but different magnitudes of the coupling constants.
**Isomerization of LAH**
Isomerization of LAH isolated by semi-preparative liquid chromatography was accomplished according to Schlientz et al.².⁶. After alkalization with ammonia solution and extraction with chloroform-isopropanol (4:1), the reaction mixture yielded a sample that was analysed further by liquid chromatography. It contained approximately equal amounts of compounds II, IV and VI (8-10% each) and about double the amounts of I, III and V (about 20% each). The elution times of all substances corresponded to the elution times of compounds obtained from naturally occurring material. The results confirm earlier data²·³ indicating that ergine and erginine are probably only artifacts arising from LAH.
**DISCUSSION**
Isomerization of simple lysergic acid derivatives on C(8) is known to proceed readily even under mild conditions. With LAH, the reaction is more complex (as in cyclol alkaloids) as it also includes epimerization on asymmetric carbon atoms of the side-chain. Lysergic and isolysergic acid α-hydroxyethylamides (I, II, III and IV) are hemiacetals derived from acetaldehyde and ergine (V) or erginine (VI). The aldolization reaction is reversible. Mutual transformation of II to IV was observed during a 15-h ¹³C NMR measurement; the spectrum displayed signals of both C₂ atoms. The formation of isomers II, III and IV can likewise be observed during acid-catalysed isomerization of the parent LAH. The relative proportions of individual isomers of LAH (I, II and IV), ergine (V) and erginine (VI) in the cultivation medium during fermentation¹⁰ can be interpreted as the result of chemical equilibrium reactions.
The chromatographic behaviour of compounds I, II, III and IV is determined by the configuration on asymmetric carbon atoms C(8) and Cα. The pseudo-axial position of the side-chain on carbon C(8) may lead to the formation of an intramolecular hydrogen bond N(6)····H–N(20) which causes a marked decrease in the basicity of alkaloid molecules (II and IV); this is demonstrated by the reduced interactions with the basic nitrogen atom of the stationary phase. For this reason compounds II and IV are less retained on the column. The ¹H and ¹³C NMR spectra of individual diastereomeric pairs of alkaloids (I and III, II and IV) indicate that these substances differ in the population of rotamers with different possibilities of hydrogen bond formation and with different magnitudes of Van der Waals interactions, which is demonstrated by the different basicities of the molecules and thus in different interactions with the stationary phase.
The developed HPLC method can be used to study the kinetics of isomerization reactions and degradation reactions of LAH and for the control of the purity of preparations.
**REFERENCES**
1 F. Arcamone, C. Bonino, E. B. Chain, A. Ferretti, P. Pennella, A. Tonolo and L. Vero, Nature (London), 187 (1960) 238.
2 H. G. Floss and J. A. Anderson, in Steyn P. S. (Editor), Biosynthesis of Mycotoxins. Academic Press, New York, 1980, p. 17.
3 E. Kleinerová and J. Kybal, Folia Microbiol., 18 (1973) 390.
4 H. Bethke, B. Delz and K. Stich, J. Chromatogr., 123 (1976) 193.
5 W. Schlientz, R. Brunner, A. Hofmann, B. Berde and E. Stuermer, Pharm. Acta Helv., 36 (1961) 472.
6 W. Schlientz, R. Brunner, F. Thudium and A. Hofmann, Experientia, 17 (1961) 108.
7 H. Ott, A. Hofmann and A. J. Frey, J. Amer. Chem. Soc., 88 (1966) 1251.
8 A. T. McPhail, G. A. Sim, A. J. Frey and H. Ott, J. Chem. Soc., B, (1966) 377.
9 M. Wurst, M. Flieger and Z. Řeháček, J. Chromatogr., 150 (1978) 477.
10 A. Říčicová, M. Flieger and Z. Řeháček, Folia Microbiol., (1982) in press.
11 T. Inoue, Y. Nakahara and T. Niwaguchi, Chem. Pharm. Bull., 20 (1972) 409.
12 N. J. Bach, H. E. Boaz, E. C. Kornfeld, C.-J. Chang, H. G. Floss, E. W. Hagaman and E. Wenkert, J. Org. Chem., 39 (1974) 1272.
13 H. Ishii, M. Hayashi, T. Niwaguchi and Nakahara Y., Chem. Pharm. Bull., 27 (1979) 3029.
14 K. Roth, J. Magn. Reson., 40 (1980) 489.
**TABLE I**
**RELATIVE CAPACITY FACTORS, k'rel = k'i/k't OF SUBSTANCES i (II-VIII)**
| Compound i | k'rel |
|------------|-------|
| II | 0.44 |
| III | 1.37 |
| IV | 0.53 |
| V | 1.28 |
| VI | 0.63 |
| VII | 1.66 |
| VIII | 0.81 |
[image]
Fig. 1. Chromatogram of alkaloids I-VIII. MicroPak NH₂ (particle size 10 μm), ready-packed column (50 cm × 8 mm I.D.). Mobile phase, diethyl ether-ethanol (9:1). Flow velocity, 220 ml/h. UV detection: 310 nm, 0.50 A. Injection, 50 μl.
**TABLE II**
**MASS SPECTRA OF COMPOUNDS I-VI**
| Compound | m/z (rel. int. in %, composition) |
|----------|----------------------------------|
| I | 295 (14, C₁₈H₂₁N₃O), 293 (9, C₁₈H₁₉N₃O), 267 (100, C₁₆H₁₇N₃O), 249 (37), 224 (49), 223 (60), 221 (100), 207 (86), 196 (46), 192 (43), 180 (69), 167 (46), 154 (66) |
| II | 293 (4, C₁₈H₁₉N₃O), 267 (100, C₁₆H₁₇N₃O), 249 (16), 224 (26), 223 (30), 221 (56), 207 (54), 196 (45), 192 (20), 180 (46), 167 (26), 154 (40) |
| III + V | 295 (4, C₁₈H₂₁N₃O), 267 (100, C₁₆H₁₇N₃O), 249 (26), 224 (40), 223 (37), 221 (67), 207 (66), 196 (37), 192 (26), 180 (46), 167 (31), 154 (43) |
| IV | 293 (9, C₁₈H₁₉N₃O), 267 (100, C₁₆H₁₇N₃O), 249 (22), 224 (36), 223 (36), 221 (52), 207 (68), 196 (45), 192 (26), 180 (67), 167 (28), 154 (45) |
| VI | 267 (100, C₁₆H₁₇N₃O), 249 (22), 224 (37), 223 (35), 221 (67), 207 (72), 196 (46), 192 (29), 180 (57), 167 (52), 154 (56) |
[image]
Fig. 2. Structures of the investigated alkaloids.
**TABLE III**
**COMPARISON OF ¹³C CHEMICAL SHIFTS OF COMPOUNDS I–IV WITH MODEL COMPOUNDS**
| Position | Ergine* | Erginine* | Ergometrine* | Ergometrinine* | I** | II** | III** | IV** |
|----------|---------|-----------|--------------|----------------|-----|------|-------|------|
| C(7) | 54.7 | 53.9 | 55.6 | 54.0 | 57.8 | 54.8 | 58.0 | 53.8 |
| C(8) | 41.8 | 43.3 | 42.8 | 42.6*** | 42.6 | 43.4 | 42.6 | 43.4 |
| C(9) | 119.9 | 119.3 | 120.3 | 119.2 | 110.8 | 110.5 | 110.7 | 110.4 |
| Cₐ | — | — | — | — | 71.0 | 70.6 | 71.7 | 71.3 |
| Cᵦ | — | — | — | — | 21.4 | 21.6 | 21.6 | 21.4 |
* In d₆-DMSO.
** In CDCl₃ + CD₃OD (4:1).
*** Data from ref. 13, corrected on the basis of spectra measured by the technique in ref. 14.
**TABLE IV**
**COMPARISON OF SELECTED ¹H NMR DATA OF COMPOUNDS I-IV AND VI**
Spectra measured in a mixture of CDCl₃ + CD₃OD (4:1). δ-scale; coupling constants in Hz given in parentheses. Abbreviations: s = singlet; d = doublet; q = quartet.
| Compound | H₍₇₎ | H₍₉₎ | N-CH₃ | N₍₁₎-H | CONH- | CHOH α | CH₃ β |
|----------|------|------|-------|-------|-------|--------|-------|
| I | 6.90 s | 6.39 s | 2.67 s | 8.15 s | 8.78 s | 5.48 q (6.1) | 1.40 d (6.1) |
| II | 6.94 s | 5.98 d (5.5) | 2.61 s | 8.17 s | 8.68 s | 5.41 q (6.1) | 1.28 d (6.1) |
| III | 6.94 s | 6.45 s | 2.67 s | 8.39 s | 8.82 d (4.9) | 5.50 dq (6.1, 4.9) | 1.40 d (6.1) |
| IV | 6.92 s | 6.56 d (6.1) | 2.57 s | 7.96 s | 8.80 d (6.1) | 5.43 dq (6.1, 6.1) | 1.30 d (6.1) |
| VI | 6.94 s | 6.57 d (5.1) | 2.59 s | 8.11 s | 8.64 s | | |
**SUMMARY**
A method is described for the separation of four isomers of lysergic acid α-hydroxyethylamide and its decomposition products ergine and erginine using LiChrosorb NH₂ as the stationary phase and isocratic elution. The substances under study were determined by ¹³C and ¹H NMR and mass spectroscopy. The relative proportions of individual isomers of lysergic acid α-hydroxyethylamide, ergine and erginine in the fermentation medium are assumed to result from chemical equilibrium reactions. The method is reproducible and suitable for kinetic studies of the isomerization and degradation of lysergic acid α-hydroxyethylamide.
**INTRODUCTION**
Lysergic acid α-hydroxyethylamide (LAH) is an important substrate of semi-synthetic ergot alkaloids. In fermentation production, LAH¹ decomposes spontaneously² and is thus found in a mixture with ergine and erginine³. These compounds are also formed on heating ergotamine⁴; other products include C(8) and C(2') epimers. The same isomerization products were found to be formed on heating other cyclol alkaloids with dilute acid⁵⁻⁸. The analysis of these compounds was carried out by Bethke et al.⁹, who determined ergotamine and the products of its isomerization, hydrolytic and addition reactions by liquid chromatography on a reversed phase. Our aim was to elaborate a separation method for the isomerization and decomposition products of LAH. Because of the considerable instability of the compounds under study it was necessary to prepare reference samples from fermentation broth. The elaboration of the high-performance liquid chromatographic (HPLC) method was based on earlier results⁹.
**EXPERIMENTAL**
*Fermentation*
The method of cultivation of the saprophytic strain Claviceps paspali F 2056 and the conditions of submerged fermentation were described earlier¹⁰.
**Alkaloid extraction**
On the fourteenth day of fermentation the culture broth was adjusted to pH 9 with aqueous ammonia and extracted with chloroform-isopropanol (4:1); the chloroform layer was separated, dried over sodium sulphate and evaporated to dryness under reduced pressure at a temperature below 15°C. The crude extract was partially dissolved in chloroform, undissolved substances were filtered off and the solvent was evaporated. The crude extract enriched in iso-compounds was dissolved in chloroform-methanol (4:1) and used directly for semi-preparative liquid chromatography.
**Reagents**
Ergine, erginine, ergometrine and ergometrinine standards were obtained from Galena (Opava, Czechoslovakia). The solvents diethyl ether, chloroform, methanol, ethanol and isopropanol (Lachema, Brno, Czechoslovakia) were of analytical reagent grade and were distilled before use. The stationary phase was MicroPak NH₂, particle size 10 μm (Merck, Darmstadt, G.F.R.), in a ready packed column (50 cm × 8 mm I.D.) (Varian Aerograph, Walnut Creek, CA, U.S.A.).
**Instruments**
Semi-preparative liquid chromatography was carried out on an apparatus consisting of a VCM 300 high-pressure micropump and a variable-wavelength UV detector (both from Development Workshops, Czechoslovak Academy of Sciences, Prague, Czechoslovakia). The substances were eluted isocratically with diethyl ether-ethanol (9:1) as the mobile phase.
Mass spectra were measured on a Varian-MAT 311 instrument under the following conditions: energy of ionizing electrons, 70 eV; ionizing current, 1 mA; ion source temperature, 200°C; direct inlet system operated at 110-180°C. The elemental composition of the ions was determined by the peak-matching technique (± 5 ppm; perfluorokerosene standard).
¹H and ¹³C NMR spectra were measured on a JEOL FX-60 spectrometer (59.797 and 15.036 MHz, Fourier transform mode, 25°C) in a mixture of deuteriochloroform and perdeuteriomethanol (4:1). The CDCl₃ signal was used as a lock. Chemical shifts were referred to internal tetramethylsilane and were calculated with an accuracy of ± 0.005 and ± 0.06 ppm for the digitally obtained address differences.
UV spectra were measured on a Variscan LC instrument immediately during the qualitative determination by a stop-flow method.
**RESULTS**
**Liquid chromatography**
Analysis of an alkaloid mixture produced under submerged condition by the fungus C. paspali F 2056 revealed eight alkaloids in the extract. The elution times of four of them corresponded to ergine (V), erginine (VI), ergometrine (VII) and ergometrinine (VIII) (Table I, Fig. 1). The other four substances had elution times that did not correspond to any standard at our disposal and had to be isolated by semi-preparative liquid chromatography in order to determine their structures.
Semi-preparative liquid chromatography was carried out under the conditions given in the legend to Fig. 1. To obtain sufficient amounts of pure standard substances the chromatographic cycle was repeated 20 times; to prevent possible changes in the structures of the substances (isomerization, degradation), the individual fractions were immediately evaporated to dryness after each cycle under reduced pressure at 5-10°C. Analyses of the individual fractions showed that compounds I, II, IV and VI (Fig. 2) were obtained in pure form whereas compounds III and V were mixtures. The resulting standard compounds were used for identification.
**Identification of substances**
All components of the mixture analysed provided suitable UV spectra of Δ⁹'¹⁰-ergolene derivatives. The mass spectra (Table II) always exhibited an ion of m/z 267 (C₁₆H₁₇N₂O) and ions of the fragmentation series typical of ergine (V)¹¹. They are therefore substances derived from either ergine or erginine. The observed type of fragmentation and the character of the UV spectra preclude the presence of amides of Δ⁸'⁹-ergolenic acid (paspalic acid).
It is possible to distinguish the above derivatives by ¹H and ¹³C NMR spectroscopy. Compounds V and VI differ in the orientation of substitutent on C(8) (Fig. 2); in lysergic acid the substitutent is pseudo-equatorial whereas in isolysergic acid is pseudo-axial. The dihedral angle H(8)–C(8)–C(9)–H(9) in the former instance is close to 90°C, causing a small or zero value of J₈,₉; in the latter instance the protons are nearly staggered and the coupling constant may be larger. Using this rule, compounds II, IV and VI can be classified into an iso-series whereas I, III, and V belong to the normal series. The coincidence of the elution time of compound VI with that of an authentic erginine preparation (VI) confirms the correctness of this deduction.
Comparison of the ¹³C NMR spectra of the pairs ergometrine (VII)–ergometrinine (VIII)¹² and ergine (V)–erginine (VI) (Table III) indicates that the largest differences in chemical shifts are observed on C(7), C(8) and C(9). In the iso series the C(8) always resonates in a lower field and C(7) and C(9) in a higher field than in the normal series. The observed values (Table III) agree with the above classification. The non-stoichiometric ratio of the intensities of some signals in the ¹H NMR spectrum of fraction III–V indicates that this is a mixture of substances insufficiently separated by HPLC. Comparison with an authentic standard showed that compound V was ergine.
In the ¹H NMR spectra of compounds I, II, IV and mixture III–V (Table IV) the double resonance proved the presence of the CH₃CH(OH)NH–moiety. The carbon atoms of this group exhibit resonances at 21 and 70 ppm (off-resonance: quartet and doublet) in ¹³C NMR spectra (Table III). These findings allow one to interpret the peak with the highest m/z 293 in the mass spectrum as an M—H₂O peak (Table II). The compounds are therefore isomers of α-hydroxyethylamide of the isolysergic and lysergic acids. Compounds II and IV differ in the magnitude of the coupling constant between the NH proton and the secondary alcoholic group of the methine (< 1 Hz and 6.1 Hz); they are therefore epimers on Cₓ of the side-chain. Compounds I and III form a similar pair. The carbon atom Cₓ in isomers with higher J_NH,H₁ value (III and IV) resonates 0.7 ppm downfield of their counterparts I and II. Examples of epimers of lysergic acid dialkylamides hydroxylated in the side-chain were described by Ishii et al.¹³. Although they gave no values for the appropriate coupling constants, the recorded spectrum shows that the epimers also differ in the magnitude of the vicinal constant of the OCH proton. This is probably due to the different population of rotamers caused by different possibilities for hydrogen bond formation. The average conformation observed in the NMR spectra has similar values of chemical shifts for epimer pairs but different magnitudes of the coupling constants.
**Isomerization of LAH**
Isomerization of LAH isolated by semi-preparative liquid chromatography was accomplished according to Schlientz et al.².⁶. After alkalization with ammonia solution and extraction with chloroform-isopropanol (4:1), the reaction mixture yielded a sample that was analysed further by liquid chromatography. It contained approximately equal amounts of compounds II, IV and VI (8-10% each) and about double the amounts of I, III and V (about 20% each). The elution times of all substances corresponded to the elution times of compounds obtained from naturally occurring material. The results confirm earlier data²·³ indicating that ergine and erginine are probably only artifacts arising from LAH.
**DISCUSSION**
Isomerization of simple lysergic acid derivatives on C(8) is known to proceed readily even under mild conditions. With LAH, the reaction is more complex (as in cyclol alkaloids) as it also includes epimerization on asymmetric carbon atoms of the side-chain. Lysergic and isolysergic acid α-hydroxyethylamides (I, II, III and IV) are hemiacetals derived from acetaldehyde and ergine (V) or erginine (VI). The aldolization reaction is reversible. Mutual transformation of II to IV was observed during a 15-h ¹³C NMR measurement; the spectrum displayed signals of both C₂ atoms. The formation of isomers II, III and IV can likewise be observed during acid-catalysed isomerization of the parent LAH. The relative proportions of individual isomers of LAH (I, II and IV), ergine (V) and erginine (VI) in the cultivation medium during fermentation¹⁰ can be interpreted as the result of chemical equilibrium reactions.
The chromatographic behaviour of compounds I, II, III and IV is determined by the configuration on asymmetric carbon atoms C(8) and Cα. The pseudo-axial position of the side-chain on carbon C(8) may lead to the formation of an intramolecular hydrogen bond N(6)····H–N(20) which causes a marked decrease in the basicity of alkaloid molecules (II and IV); this is demonstrated by the reduced interactions with the basic nitrogen atom of the stationary phase. For this reason compounds II and IV are less retained on the column. The ¹H and ¹³C NMR spectra of individual diastereomeric pairs of alkaloids (I and III, II and IV) indicate that these substances differ in the population of rotamers with different possibilities of hydrogen bond formation and with different magnitudes of Van der Waals interactions, which is demonstrated by the different basicities of the molecules and thus in different interactions with the stationary phase.
The developed HPLC method can be used to study the kinetics of isomerization reactions and degradation reactions of LAH and for the control of the purity of preparations.
**REFERENCES**
1 F. Arcamone, C. Bonino, E. B. Chain, A. Ferretti, P. Pennella, A. Tonolo and L. Vero, Nature (London), 187 (1960) 238.
2 H. G. Floss and J. A. Anderson, in Steyn P. S. (Editor), Biosynthesis of Mycotoxins. Academic Press, New York, 1980, p. 17.
3 E. Kleinerová and J. Kybal, Folia Microbiol., 18 (1973) 390.
4 H. Bethke, B. Delz and K. Stich, J. Chromatogr., 123 (1976) 193.
5 W. Schlientz, R. Brunner, A. Hofmann, B. Berde and E. Stuermer, Pharm. Acta Helv., 36 (1961) 472.
6 W. Schlientz, R. Brunner, F. Thudium and A. Hofmann, Experientia, 17 (1961) 108.
7 H. Ott, A. Hofmann and A. J. Frey, J. Amer. Chem. Soc., 88 (1966) 1251.
8 A. T. McPhail, G. A. Sim, A. J. Frey and H. Ott, J. Chem. Soc., B, (1966) 377.
9 M. Wurst, M. Flieger and Z. Řeháček, J. Chromatogr., 150 (1978) 477.
10 A. Říčicová, M. Flieger and Z. Řeháček, Folia Microbiol., (1982) in press.
11 T. Inoue, Y. Nakahara and T. Niwaguchi, Chem. Pharm. Bull., 20 (1972) 409.
12 N. J. Bach, H. E. Boaz, E. C. Kornfeld, C.-J. Chang, H. G. Floss, E. W. Hagaman and E. Wenkert, J. Org. Chem., 39 (1974) 1272.
13 H. Ishii, M. Hayashi, T. Niwaguchi and Nakahara Y., Chem. Pharm. Bull., 27 (1979) 3029.
14 K. Roth, J. Magn. Reson., 40 (1980) 489.
**TABLE I**
**RELATIVE CAPACITY FACTORS, k'rel = k'i/k't OF SUBSTANCES i (II-VIII)**
| Compound i | k'rel |
|------------|-------|
| II | 0.44 |
| III | 1.37 |
| IV | 0.53 |
| V | 1.28 |
| VI | 0.63 |
| VII | 1.66 |
| VIII | 0.81 |
[image]
Fig. 1. Chromatogram of alkaloids I-VIII. MicroPak NH₂ (particle size 10 μm), ready-packed column (50 cm × 8 mm I.D.). Mobile phase, diethyl ether-ethanol (9:1). Flow velocity, 220 ml/h. UV detection: 310 nm, 0.50 A. Injection, 50 μl.
**TABLE II**
**MASS SPECTRA OF COMPOUNDS I-VI**
| Compound | m/z (rel. int. in %, composition) |
|----------|----------------------------------|
| I | 295 (14, C₁₈H₂₁N₃O), 293 (9, C₁₈H₁₉N₃O), 267 (100, C₁₆H₁₇N₃O), 249 (37), 224 (49), 223 (60), 221 (100), 207 (86), 196 (46), 192 (43), 180 (69), 167 (46), 154 (66) |
| II | 293 (4, C₁₈H₁₉N₃O), 267 (100, C₁₆H₁₇N₃O), 249 (16), 224 (26), 223 (30), 221 (56), 207 (54), 196 (45), 192 (20), 180 (46), 167 (26), 154 (40) |
| III + V | 295 (4, C₁₈H₂₁N₃O), 267 (100, C₁₆H₁₇N₃O), 249 (26), 224 (40), 223 (37), 221 (67), 207 (66), 196 (37), 192 (26), 180 (46), 167 (31), 154 (43) |
| IV | 293 (9, C₁₈H₁₉N₃O), 267 (100, C₁₆H₁₇N₃O), 249 (22), 224 (36), 223 (36), 221 (52), 207 (68), 196 (45), 192 (26), 180 (67), 167 (28), 154 (45) |
| VI | 267 (100, C₁₆H₁₇N₃O), 249 (22), 224 (37), 223 (35), 221 (67), 207 (72), 196 (46), 192 (29), 180 (57), 167 (52), 154 (56) |
[image]
Fig. 2. Structures of the investigated alkaloids.
**TABLE III**
**COMPARISON OF ¹³C CHEMICAL SHIFTS OF COMPOUNDS I–IV WITH MODEL COMPOUNDS**
| Position | Ergine* | Erginine* | Ergometrine* | Ergometrinine* | I** | II** | III** | IV** |
|----------|---------|-----------|--------------|----------------|-----|------|-------|------|
| C(7) | 54.7 | 53.9 | 55.6 | 54.0 | 57.8 | 54.8 | 58.0 | 53.8 |
| C(8) | 41.8 | 43.3 | 42.8 | 42.6*** | 42.6 | 43.4 | 42.6 | 43.4 |
| C(9) | 119.9 | 119.3 | 120.3 | 119.2 | 110.8 | 110.5 | 110.7 | 110.4 |
| Cₐ | — | — | — | — | 71.0 | 70.6 | 71.7 | 71.3 |
| Cᵦ | — | — | — | — | 21.4 | 21.6 | 21.6 | 21.4 |
* In d₆-DMSO.
** In CDCl₃ + CD₃OD (4:1).
*** Data from ref. 13, corrected on the basis of spectra measured by the technique in ref. 14.
**TABLE IV**
**COMPARISON OF SELECTED ¹H NMR DATA OF COMPOUNDS I-IV AND VI**
Spectra measured in a mixture of CDCl₃ + CD₃OD (4:1). δ-scale; coupling constants in Hz given in parentheses. Abbreviations: s = singlet; d = doublet; q = quartet.
| Compound | H₍₇₎ | H₍₉₎ | N-CH₃ | N₍₁₎-H | CONH- | CHOH α | CH₃ β |
|----------|------|------|-------|-------|-------|--------|-------|
| I | 6.90 s | 6.39 s | 2.67 s | 8.15 s | 8.78 s | 5.48 q (6.1) | 1.40 d (6.1) |
| II | 6.94 s | 5.98 d (5.5) | 2.61 s | 8.17 s | 8.68 s | 5.41 q (6.1) | 1.28 d (6.1) |
| III | 6.94 s | 6.45 s | 2.67 s | 8.39 s | 8.82 d (4.9) | 5.50 dq (6.1, 4.9) | 1.40 d (6.1) |
| IV | 6.92 s | 6.56 d (6.1) | 2.57 s | 7.96 s | 8.80 d (6.1) | 5.43 dq (6.1, 6.1) | 1.30 d (6.1) |
| VI | 6.94 s | 6.57 d (5.1) | 2.59 s | 8.11 s | 8.64 s | | |
Hello Bluelight and Prospective Publishers of this Blog. Here´s looking at you Penguin!
Last we blogged, our anti-hero/straight-up villain Keif' Richards had just arrived in Vegas to begin what I have come to call, ¨The Shittiest Residency¨. I have now been in Vegas for approximately two weeks. I am working for one of the major non-profits here in the city assisting with the major social issues arising from the endemic homelessness and poverty in the city. Las Vegas is not a ¨friendly¨ city when it comes to the issue of homelessness and extreme poverty. This should not come as a big surprise. This is a town built almost entirely on tourism. Essentially, it can be said that the economy is dependent upon the attractiveness of the locale to potential customers. Las Vegas has largely shed its ¨Sin City¨ image (this happened decades ago apparently). Families are now a large part of their tourism industry. For comparison, I am coming from Burlington, VT. Burlington and the state in general would be considered ¨friendliest¨ on this scale that we are using.
If Burlington already resembled a Mad-Max-esque vibe even with its ¨friendly¨ qualities, then I guess I wasn´t prepared for what I would see here in Vegas. Homelessness has been made illegal here. One such law that rules the town is the concept that ¨a person may not sleep on public property if there are ANY beds available in ANY shelter in the city¨. I am paraphrasing, but you get the idea. In Burlington, the sidewalks of the main shopping district are lined with tents and makeshift hovels. I walk the strip a couple days a week with my boss and coworkers while we do outreach. People continue to sleep outside, though they essentially have to do so in a stealthy manner. This means, in the morning, you see the homeless people waking up and coming out of every random unseen corner with nothing but maybe a blanket. The issue here is that Vegas is a desert. It can be quite warm during the day, but can approach freezing on any given night after the sun goes down.
What does all of this mean for the population? Well, I can tell you that the shelter that I work at is in a state of what I can only call disrepair. Bed bug blooms are a common occurrence, as are cockroaches and other vermin, which are an especially bad problem here in Vegas. People are forced with two decisions, either sleep in a potentially rancid and unsafe shelter or they can risk being arrested for vagrancy. I´m sure anyone with experience in this kind of work already knows where I´m going with this. The centralization of the homeless population makes them easily accounted for. Yes, we have a comprehensive list of homeless persons that we use in the industry, but I´m talking more about the political/law enforcement lists. We are on a precipice in this country regarding political partisanship and the failing of the economy. These individuals are constantly in danger of injury, death and victimization.
When I speak to individuals in the course of my work or when I´m just hanging outside of work on the strip, they have a disposition that is entirely different than the disposition of most in Vermont. ¨Fear¨ is how I would describe it, as opposed to the ¨misery/loneliness¨ of Vermont. There are rumors of homeless persons being murdered and disappearing that are frankly, more believable to me every single day. People are hesitant to talk to anyone. I deal a lot with the ¨are you a cop?¨ shit when I´m talking to people. I had one client who I had seen on 3 straight shifts. I had talked to him about everything as he was clearly on Meth and feeling like conversation. Even after 3 days of talking, I asked the wrong question, I asked a pretty normal question ¨who handles the end of the supply chain regarding drugs in this city¨. This dude became extremely threatening and chased me off, literally. That was a learning experience.
I am continuing to learn about this city. I talk to everyone that I´m able to strike up a conversation with. Meanwhile, I now have a twin bed in my office that I´m sleeping in. I have my eyes on an apartment just off the strip. Myself and a coworker are looking to go in on a place together to share expenses. Meanwhile, I´m getting to practice my Spanish every day. I came here with a very basic understanding of the language. Luckily, most Spanish speakers seem genuinely excited to teach me about the wrong and right of my lingo. The hardest part has been learning the slang as that is not featured in language learning apps.
One of the residents started calling me ¨Hollywood¨ and he refuses to explain exactly what that means, but I´m going with it. I just hope that down the road I don´t find this nickname to be some kind of horrible insult. I´m having flashbacks from my time teaching High Schoolers. Just when you think you´re ¨cool¨, that´s when they spring the trap and steal your self-esteem. It´s definitely not my beauty. Is it the air of class that I bring with me to everything in my life? Only time will tell.
Methamphetamine is big here. It is clearly the drug of choice for a lot of the people in our care. With the 24 hour nature of this city and the constant need for hustling, Methamphetamine seems to be a rational choice (price is also a factor). I can´t discuss prices here in-depth. I will say that, compared to either Vermont or Boston, the cost of Methamphetamine around here is 80% cheaper in general and this is for relatively small, street amounts. Who knows what happens when you throw 100$ down on the table, a briefcase full?
I´ll continue this tale next time. Until then, I have an appointment to get my picture taken with the showgirls who hang out down the street. Look for that shit soon dear readers!
-Keif
Last we blogged, our anti-hero/straight-up villain Keif' Richards had just arrived in Vegas to begin what I have come to call, ¨The Shittiest Residency¨. I have now been in Vegas for approximately two weeks. I am working for one of the major non-profits here in the city assisting with the major social issues arising from the endemic homelessness and poverty in the city. Las Vegas is not a ¨friendly¨ city when it comes to the issue of homelessness and extreme poverty. This should not come as a big surprise. This is a town built almost entirely on tourism. Essentially, it can be said that the economy is dependent upon the attractiveness of the locale to potential customers. Las Vegas has largely shed its ¨Sin City¨ image (this happened decades ago apparently). Families are now a large part of their tourism industry. For comparison, I am coming from Burlington, VT. Burlington and the state in general would be considered ¨friendliest¨ on this scale that we are using.
If Burlington already resembled a Mad-Max-esque vibe even with its ¨friendly¨ qualities, then I guess I wasn´t prepared for what I would see here in Vegas. Homelessness has been made illegal here. One such law that rules the town is the concept that ¨a person may not sleep on public property if there are ANY beds available in ANY shelter in the city¨. I am paraphrasing, but you get the idea. In Burlington, the sidewalks of the main shopping district are lined with tents and makeshift hovels. I walk the strip a couple days a week with my boss and coworkers while we do outreach. People continue to sleep outside, though they essentially have to do so in a stealthy manner. This means, in the morning, you see the homeless people waking up and coming out of every random unseen corner with nothing but maybe a blanket. The issue here is that Vegas is a desert. It can be quite warm during the day, but can approach freezing on any given night after the sun goes down.
What does all of this mean for the population? Well, I can tell you that the shelter that I work at is in a state of what I can only call disrepair. Bed bug blooms are a common occurrence, as are cockroaches and other vermin, which are an especially bad problem here in Vegas. People are forced with two decisions, either sleep in a potentially rancid and unsafe shelter or they can risk being arrested for vagrancy. I´m sure anyone with experience in this kind of work already knows where I´m going with this. The centralization of the homeless population makes them easily accounted for. Yes, we have a comprehensive list of homeless persons that we use in the industry, but I´m talking more about the political/law enforcement lists. We are on a precipice in this country regarding political partisanship and the failing of the economy. These individuals are constantly in danger of injury, death and victimization.
When I speak to individuals in the course of my work or when I´m just hanging outside of work on the strip, they have a disposition that is entirely different than the disposition of most in Vermont. ¨Fear¨ is how I would describe it, as opposed to the ¨misery/loneliness¨ of Vermont. There are rumors of homeless persons being murdered and disappearing that are frankly, more believable to me every single day. People are hesitant to talk to anyone. I deal a lot with the ¨are you a cop?¨ shit when I´m talking to people. I had one client who I had seen on 3 straight shifts. I had talked to him about everything as he was clearly on Meth and feeling like conversation. Even after 3 days of talking, I asked the wrong question, I asked a pretty normal question ¨who handles the end of the supply chain regarding drugs in this city¨. This dude became extremely threatening and chased me off, literally. That was a learning experience.
I am continuing to learn about this city. I talk to everyone that I´m able to strike up a conversation with. Meanwhile, I now have a twin bed in my office that I´m sleeping in. I have my eyes on an apartment just off the strip. Myself and a coworker are looking to go in on a place together to share expenses. Meanwhile, I´m getting to practice my Spanish every day. I came here with a very basic understanding of the language. Luckily, most Spanish speakers seem genuinely excited to teach me about the wrong and right of my lingo. The hardest part has been learning the slang as that is not featured in language learning apps.
One of the residents started calling me ¨Hollywood¨ and he refuses to explain exactly what that means, but I´m going with it. I just hope that down the road I don´t find this nickname to be some kind of horrible insult. I´m having flashbacks from my time teaching High Schoolers. Just when you think you´re ¨cool¨, that´s when they spring the trap and steal your self-esteem. It´s definitely not my beauty. Is it the air of class that I bring with me to everything in my life? Only time will tell.
Methamphetamine is big here. It is clearly the drug of choice for a lot of the people in our care. With the 24 hour nature of this city and the constant need for hustling, Methamphetamine seems to be a rational choice (price is also a factor). I can´t discuss prices here in-depth. I will say that, compared to either Vermont or Boston, the cost of Methamphetamine around here is 80% cheaper in general and this is for relatively small, street amounts. Who knows what happens when you throw 100$ down on the table, a briefcase full?
I´ll continue this tale next time. Until then, I have an appointment to get my picture taken with the showgirls who hang out down the street. Look for that shit soon dear readers!
-Keif
Here we go. I guess.
Last summer I obtained 1 Subutex 8 mg. I had some dentist visits scheduled. And it is no fun business, so I figured out it would make things easier. Obviously I did it once a week all the time when I was having it. I have some other medical reasons to do some anyway. I really appreciate buprenorphine in medical reference frame. It makes me kinda dumb and numb but otherwise I think it is better medicine than many others, particularly those with short half-life.
After the scheduled visits were over and my legos were in decent condition, I soon ran out, as planned. So I got one 8 more. Obviously it is powerful asset, it eases OCPD and pains and stuff. I really appreciate buprenorphine in medical reference frame. It makes me kinda dumb and numb but otherwise I think it is better medicine than many others, particularly those with short half-life. I guess the kappa-activity is valuable. I don't know. It is also theoretically economically viable medicine from black market where I live.
You see how I make up excuses for the obviously shitty side-effects? This is rhetorics I feel conflicted about, I guess those things are technically true but I don't really believe bupre will make my life better. Hyperalgesia and hypogonadia and stuff that will often follow opioid use. Low affection. Cognitive effects I got used to and learned to dismiss as non-relevant.
I am not really sure what my doses have been lately, it kinda got out of hand, as supposed, obviously, that's what happens to most people who turn to opiates. I developed some protocols but ended up dismissing them, because I am addict.
But my dosing has been mostly pursuit of a) therapeutical effects b) uh, "self-regulation in the evening", so, in some sense just recreational use. The feeling of warmth and ease pushing soon after snort that I used to do after slave work has also directed me towards all kind of hedonistic habits. When I have started to feel euphoric, why not stop there? But anyway, my doses have been generally on lower side and I've been dosing for relatively short time, so this is best chance to quit I will ever get.
I figured out there will be some time to sit out because I think I have been essentially high every day for last one and half month or something. And even longer times I have most probably had some bupre in my system 24/7, even if I wouldn't call it being high.
It has been now more than 30 hours since my last dose. I have weed and speed and mirtazapine and propranolol and I have humongous amount of pregabalin in my system I expect to modify my state for next 24 hours, easy. And I am fucked up on speed and weed and beer also, so I could have withdrawals now otherwise but I am too fucked up to notice. I have read here that amphetamines may ease opioid withdrawals. They seem to have indirect effect on endorphine release or something, as well as alcohol. That's what I have been told here.
And, most important, money. BUT NOT ENOUGH TO SCORE ANY BUPRE, ONLY FOR FOOD AND BEER! FOOD IS FUCKING IMPORTANT! And the money will get my hangover next morning fixed, at least for how long the money lasts.
I have one or two classes monday, but I am already familiar with content of at least one class. I don't know if it is important. The rest of the week, there is nothing scheduled. I just started school in machine and production and I am intending to get relatively straight for it. Bumbling and needle pin pupils won't help it. Fortunately there is this slack period in the beginning where I can get myself rekt.
If I won't get proper withdrawals, I can at least report how much clearer and delicate and connected to world I feel without bupre. Or then I will report every day for weeks how bad my life sucks with my multiple mental and physical conditions and end up back with bupre again, convinced I won't have future otherwise.
We will see. I don't really believe in latter theory, I have dosed so much psychedelics lately, I expect the lessons learned from trips to blow to my face so hard when bupre lifts off that I will develop course away from it.
Last summer I obtained 1 Subutex 8 mg. I had some dentist visits scheduled. And it is no fun business, so I figured out it would make things easier. Obviously I did it once a week all the time when I was having it. I have some other medical reasons to do some anyway. I really appreciate buprenorphine in medical reference frame. It makes me kinda dumb and numb but otherwise I think it is better medicine than many others, particularly those with short half-life.
After the scheduled visits were over and my legos were in decent condition, I soon ran out, as planned. So I got one 8 more. Obviously it is powerful asset, it eases OCPD and pains and stuff. I really appreciate buprenorphine in medical reference frame. It makes me kinda dumb and numb but otherwise I think it is better medicine than many others, particularly those with short half-life. I guess the kappa-activity is valuable. I don't know. It is also theoretically economically viable medicine from black market where I live.
You see how I make up excuses for the obviously shitty side-effects? This is rhetorics I feel conflicted about, I guess those things are technically true but I don't really believe bupre will make my life better. Hyperalgesia and hypogonadia and stuff that will often follow opioid use. Low affection. Cognitive effects I got used to and learned to dismiss as non-relevant.
I am not really sure what my doses have been lately, it kinda got out of hand, as supposed, obviously, that's what happens to most people who turn to opiates. I developed some protocols but ended up dismissing them, because I am addict.
But my dosing has been mostly pursuit of a) therapeutical effects b) uh, "self-regulation in the evening", so, in some sense just recreational use. The feeling of warmth and ease pushing soon after snort that I used to do after slave work has also directed me towards all kind of hedonistic habits. When I have started to feel euphoric, why not stop there? But anyway, my doses have been generally on lower side and I've been dosing for relatively short time, so this is best chance to quit I will ever get.
I figured out there will be some time to sit out because I think I have been essentially high every day for last one and half month or something. And even longer times I have most probably had some bupre in my system 24/7, even if I wouldn't call it being high.
It has been now more than 30 hours since my last dose. I have weed and speed and mirtazapine and propranolol and I have humongous amount of pregabalin in my system I expect to modify my state for next 24 hours, easy. And I am fucked up on speed and weed and beer also, so I could have withdrawals now otherwise but I am too fucked up to notice. I have read here that amphetamines may ease opioid withdrawals. They seem to have indirect effect on endorphine release or something, as well as alcohol. That's what I have been told here.
And, most important, money. BUT NOT ENOUGH TO SCORE ANY BUPRE, ONLY FOR FOOD AND BEER! FOOD IS FUCKING IMPORTANT! And the money will get my hangover next morning fixed, at least for how long the money lasts.
I have one or two classes monday, but I am already familiar with content of at least one class. I don't know if it is important. The rest of the week, there is nothing scheduled. I just started school in machine and production and I am intending to get relatively straight for it. Bumbling and needle pin pupils won't help it. Fortunately there is this slack period in the beginning where I can get myself rekt.
If I won't get proper withdrawals, I can at least report how much clearer and delicate and connected to world I feel without bupre. Or then I will report every day for weeks how bad my life sucks with my multiple mental and physical conditions and end up back with bupre again, convinced I won't have future otherwise.
We will see. I don't really believe in latter theory, I have dosed so much psychedelics lately, I expect the lessons learned from trips to blow to my face so hard when bupre lifts off that I will develop course away from it.
It's been two months since I left the relationship I had been dedicated to for some time. It has been one of the hardest times of my life. I have been through so many ups and downs as an addict. I would find myself in scenarios that seemed so utterly hopeless. It's funny to look back and see how much hope there still was in life back then. There could be hope yet still for me. I went through some really hard shit, anyone would say. To then move for the purpose of a job that seemed so great, only to be totally fucked over. Man, that was really a hit to the existential batteries. I didn't know if I would be able to get back up from that one. The hopeless situation suddenly turned into a terrifying one as the temperatures dropped precipitously. For the first time in a while, I was scared. I was really scared of what might happen to me.
After that job fell through, I was going back and forth in my mind regarding taking my own life. I had had these feelings frequently when I was younger. I made on serious attempt that I survived, as I didn't really know how to cut deeply enough into my wrists to lost the blood I was trying to lose. On the bright side, I also retained my ability to play the guitar. I had come so far since those days, over 10 years ago. I had learned to live with hope. That hope had allowed me to build a life for myself that I was proud of. I was able to do good work for people both in my professional life and here on BL. I must say, looking back on it, I was happy.
I took too much shit all at once. Perhaps I am a bitch or I'm too fragile or I'm just a junkie unable to deal with the life stressors that normal people can. I don't know. I can tell you that I feel weak. I feel worthless and I feel like a burden. I feel like a burden on the world, I guess. I have all of these needs I need met when there are people around the world who don't even have clean drinking water.
You take things for granted. I had health insurance, a good job and a place that I was paying to live in (I wasn't on the lease, smart). My psychiatrist was paid for, my PCP paid for and my prescriptions were expensive but affordable. Things have changed. I am now without that insurance. I make too much money to take advantage of most programs here in the state. I have a callous hospital that will not see me or treat me until I make a payment, despite the fact that they know I'm totally destitute. My psychiatrist is unsympathetic stating she has bills to pay too. Granted, she wrote one prescription for free, but that was over a month ago. So, I'm withdrawing from Gabapentin/Pregabalin, Clonidine and Vyvanse and every day I don't have the energy to make the 3 hour round trip to the clinic, I miss that too. It compounds.
I am just taken aback by the callous nature of these people. I'm trying so hard to build a life back up from literally fucking nothing on the streets of this frozen hell and they are unwilling to even meet me halfway. These are not medications that I can just stop taking and continue to function. I have spent the past week diving into worse sand worse withdrawal. I have had a couple of Gabapentin handed to me here and there, but it's not what I need. In my "previous life" these things would have been essentially a phone call away and next to free. It's funny what we take for granted.
I have my great job starting on Monday. I should be excited, but I feel like a rat in a cage from withdrawal and the anxiety of figuring the situation out just compounds that feeling of inner tension inside of me. I don't have an easy way of getting laundry done or even necessarily showering and being clean. I now face the prospect of showing up to this job on Monday totally twacked out and unable to make a good impression. My current mental state twists these worries into grotesque shapes that almost always end with me just "gone". Like, I'm going to reach a point where a man as weak as myself just can't handle it anymore. My logical mind tells me there is a way out of this, but brain fog and lack of energy feel like everything is 10x harder.
I'm currently working full time at a side job for close to minimum wage. This will do nothing but prolong the bullshit until my first actual paycheck comes in. Then, I have 30 days until my insurance is active. At that point, in theory, everything can be resolved. I have gotten somewhat acclimatized to the fridged weather out here, but it is still oppressive like it is trying to fucking break me every moment.
I haven't ever stopped moving since this all started. I've done my best to keep generating money, but starting from such a hole makes it seem like a Herculean task. I know I'm not the only one dealing with these same thoughts, fears and concerns. I'm hopping maybe others who are in danger of these life challenges will find some solidarity in reading these blogs. I think we all just have to get comfortable with the idea that each gasp of air you get is only temporary, I don't know what is going to happen to all of us given the political turmoil and everything affecting our country. I love all of you guys and I hope everyone is safe and content.
This is the last few days of a serious struggle. I am hoping the dots connect and I'm able to take back my life and rebuild. It will not be easy, but just like getting clean, every small achievement is something I can use to get me to that next place I need to go.
After that job fell through, I was going back and forth in my mind regarding taking my own life. I had had these feelings frequently when I was younger. I made on serious attempt that I survived, as I didn't really know how to cut deeply enough into my wrists to lost the blood I was trying to lose. On the bright side, I also retained my ability to play the guitar. I had come so far since those days, over 10 years ago. I had learned to live with hope. That hope had allowed me to build a life for myself that I was proud of. I was able to do good work for people both in my professional life and here on BL. I must say, looking back on it, I was happy.
I took too much shit all at once. Perhaps I am a bitch or I'm too fragile or I'm just a junkie unable to deal with the life stressors that normal people can. I don't know. I can tell you that I feel weak. I feel worthless and I feel like a burden. I feel like a burden on the world, I guess. I have all of these needs I need met when there are people around the world who don't even have clean drinking water.
You take things for granted. I had health insurance, a good job and a place that I was paying to live in (I wasn't on the lease, smart). My psychiatrist was paid for, my PCP paid for and my prescriptions were expensive but affordable. Things have changed. I am now without that insurance. I make too much money to take advantage of most programs here in the state. I have a callous hospital that will not see me or treat me until I make a payment, despite the fact that they know I'm totally destitute. My psychiatrist is unsympathetic stating she has bills to pay too. Granted, she wrote one prescription for free, but that was over a month ago. So, I'm withdrawing from Gabapentin/Pregabalin, Clonidine and Vyvanse and every day I don't have the energy to make the 3 hour round trip to the clinic, I miss that too. It compounds.
I am just taken aback by the callous nature of these people. I'm trying so hard to build a life back up from literally fucking nothing on the streets of this frozen hell and they are unwilling to even meet me halfway. These are not medications that I can just stop taking and continue to function. I have spent the past week diving into worse sand worse withdrawal. I have had a couple of Gabapentin handed to me here and there, but it's not what I need. In my "previous life" these things would have been essentially a phone call away and next to free. It's funny what we take for granted.
I have my great job starting on Monday. I should be excited, but I feel like a rat in a cage from withdrawal and the anxiety of figuring the situation out just compounds that feeling of inner tension inside of me. I don't have an easy way of getting laundry done or even necessarily showering and being clean. I now face the prospect of showing up to this job on Monday totally twacked out and unable to make a good impression. My current mental state twists these worries into grotesque shapes that almost always end with me just "gone". Like, I'm going to reach a point where a man as weak as myself just can't handle it anymore. My logical mind tells me there is a way out of this, but brain fog and lack of energy feel like everything is 10x harder.
I'm currently working full time at a side job for close to minimum wage. This will do nothing but prolong the bullshit until my first actual paycheck comes in. Then, I have 30 days until my insurance is active. At that point, in theory, everything can be resolved. I have gotten somewhat acclimatized to the fridged weather out here, but it is still oppressive like it is trying to fucking break me every moment.
I haven't ever stopped moving since this all started. I've done my best to keep generating money, but starting from such a hole makes it seem like a Herculean task. I know I'm not the only one dealing with these same thoughts, fears and concerns. I'm hopping maybe others who are in danger of these life challenges will find some solidarity in reading these blogs. I think we all just have to get comfortable with the idea that each gasp of air you get is only temporary, I don't know what is going to happen to all of us given the political turmoil and everything affecting our country. I love all of you guys and I hope everyone is safe and content.
This is the last few days of a serious struggle. I am hoping the dots connect and I'm able to take back my life and rebuild. It will not be easy, but just like getting clean, every small achievement is something I can use to get me to that next place I need to go.
How I Spent My Time in County Jail
It was the Winter of 2010 in Lowell, Massachusetts. My hometown was a little rough around the edges, many would say. We were 26 miles away from Downtown Boston as the crow flies. Being a junkie had taught me to measure distance "as the rat scurries". I had always dreamed of the the day I would get out of my parents' house and strike it out on my own. My Father was an Alcoholic/Cocaine addict. I had always wanted to show him how wrong about me he was by starting a life of my own. The fact that I was now fully dependent upon on Heroin and Alcohol and now terrorizing my very own woman with my addiction took a lot of the would-be wind out of my sails, however.
Maria was my girlfriend of about a year. She was half-Dominican, half-Puerto Rican and she was a bitch on wheels. She was the first woman to ever throw a knife at my head. I still love to reminisce about those halcyon days. We had our things we did as a couple. She would castigate me for being so damn tired all the time. I would tell her that my history studies were kicking my ass. I would take the rent money, buy Heroin with it and then spar with my landlord for 5-6 days until I was able to come up with the money. Mr. Agnostoupolos was the only landlord I had ever rented from to use the phrase "I know where you live" in correspondence with me. I used to have nightmares that he would break into our apartment in the middle of the night and murder me. I had spent my youth boxing and wrestling. I had seen Rocky 1-4 no less than a dozen times. It goes without saying, I was prepared for anything.
I lived in a triple decker in the city's Acre district about a mile from where I grew up. I lived with 4 others, my high school best friend, Cori and two random dudes. One is a guy named Taylor who I knew from having bought lots of Ecstasy off of him. The last one, I can't even remember his name; clearly and ancillary character no? My landlord would call the three of us "Dopey, Scrawny and Fuckface". I lived in a single room with Maria. She was everything I had always loved about latin women. She had the fiery passion in her heart enough to make me feel loved and occasionally, terrified. I was young enough and not yet using enough dope that my sex-drive was still occasionally present. I was also young enough to still put such a premium upon "sex-on-demand" that I was willing to forego that feeling in the pit of my stomach that would tell me to run away and change my name. I couldn't do that though. I knew if I did, she would undoubtedly murder my best friend.
I was doing a good enough job keeping myself alive at UMass, attending every single mandatory class and doing my best to learn the same math my peers had mastered back in the 8th-9th grade. I dreamed of being a teacher. At this time, I was so confident I was going to die or end up in prison or something, it just didn't seem possible. Fuck, I didn't think I was going to live to be 30 years old and look at me now, I'm 35 bitches!
I had started using Opioids, at that time, we still tended to refer to the whole lot as "Opiates", but I'm showing my age here. Lowell was a destination for drug users from all up and down the interstate corridor. However, people from Lowell knew to go to Lawrence for the best and cheapest Heroin. Lawrence was a bit smaller than Lowell, but highly dense in population. It was 70% Latino back in the day. We would go there and buy grams of Heroin for 40-50 bucks; less if we bought more. I would make money by bringing back the cheaper Heroin and selling it to the people unwilling to go into Lawrence. See, Lawrence had an almost entirely Caucasian police force and they would profile White folks in the city and find reasons to pull them over. When we would go, we would call our dealer. Almost all of the dealers were known as Papi and I took would be referred to as Papi. This could make the logistics of communication complicated, but it felt nice to be included in another's culture.
We would end up waiting on the side of the road until the SUV would pull up alongside us for just a second. That was the signal. We would put the car in drive and follow them on twists and turns throughout the city until they would suddenly pull over. I would run up to their window. Papi would then spit plastic wrapped "grams", always weighing 0.8g into your hand. You didn't really have a choice in the matter. Flu season or not, you had to then put the dope in your own mouth. Yes, there was a sexual element to this for me, but that is something for discussion on a different forum, perhaps, "Keif's Late-Night Homoerotic Confessions". We will save that material for later episodes.
I got into the passenger seat of Renee's late, late-model Toyota Corolla. We should've known better than to go into the town after dark, but dope waits for no man. See, Renee was a complete fucking moron. I believe he was probably born addicted to all of the drugs, was dropped on his head a couple of times and the fact that he was fully French-Canadian didn't help. His parents had immigrated during the great Dry-Wall Rush of the early 80's. They say French Canadians are the Mexicans of dry-wall. I wouldn't know, because I don't say shit like that, because I am not a racist. He had only two teeth left in his mouth, right in front. The roots were so black that I feel infection had somehow fixed the teeth permanently in place. I'm sure those two teeth reminisce of the days in which the molars were still available to help chew. There's no point pining over what once was though. Renee flashed me a snaglle-toothed grin as I sat down on a bed of Doritos crumbs and receipts.
I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Storm clouds of sheer discomfort formed over Middlesex County that night. I had hoped it was just gas. I became so certain we were going to get pulled over in Lawrence. I swore to God that I would never go back to Lawrence again if he would just let me make it out of there and back home to my borderline-abusive girlfriend. Then I could get high, turn on some King of the Hill and pretend like I was listening until we would inevitably have angry, loveless sex and go to sleep. Well, the universe had other plans for me that night. Remember how I told you about how stupid Renee was? That is what is known as foreshadowing in the writing game.
I had to run over the New Hampshire border to drop off Heroin to a guy in Nashua. As we got off the highway, I noticed we were slowing down for no reason on the exit ramp. Renee is already visibly sweaty by the time I look over to see that we are indeed, out of gas. Renee forgot to put gas in his piece of shit car and we were now slowly rolling to a stop literally on the exit ramp. I begin freaking out trying to think of a way out of this. Not more than 5 minutes later did the New Hampshire state Police roll up on us. They took one look at Renee and his snaggle-toothed smile and asked to search the car. Renee had already swallowed the entirety of the Heroin, about 6 grams. I knew we would be fine. All I had in my pocket was a syringe. There was no getting rid of that and it would be a ticket at the very least... in Mass.
In New Hampshire, things were different. I politely informed the officer of the syringe in my pocket. He removed it. Several minutes later, the trooper returned to informed me that they had swabbed the inside of the barrel and it had tested positive for Heroin. I was like "so?". The trooper than told me to turn around and informed me I was under arrest for Felony possession of Heroin. I did not have a criminal record of any kind. I was in college and hoping to be a teacher. My life flashed before my eyes as the situation seemed just too surreal to be happening. I started the day with hopes and dreams. Now, I was on my way to the Hillsborough County Jail in Manchester, NH aka "Valley Street". It had a reputation even over the border. You didn't want to go there if you had to go somewhere. I went through waves of denial and bargaining with the Universe. I would be out by morning. I kept telling myself. They were going to medicate my withdrawal. Surely, they wouldn't be so uncivilized as to let a white Jewish boy in college withdraw amongst the riff raff?
I intended to use all of my guile, charisma, intelligence and white privilege to get myself out of this situation. Little did I know, I was about to be put into a dark hole where nobody gave two fucks about any of my wants, needs or desires. Next time, I'll break down one of the most utterly terrifying, miserable periods of my entire life. Coming soon in Part 2.
It was the Winter of 2010 in Lowell, Massachusetts. My hometown was a little rough around the edges, many would say. We were 26 miles away from Downtown Boston as the crow flies. Being a junkie had taught me to measure distance "as the rat scurries". I had always dreamed of the the day I would get out of my parents' house and strike it out on my own. My Father was an Alcoholic/Cocaine addict. I had always wanted to show him how wrong about me he was by starting a life of my own. The fact that I was now fully dependent upon on Heroin and Alcohol and now terrorizing my very own woman with my addiction took a lot of the would-be wind out of my sails, however.
Maria was my girlfriend of about a year. She was half-Dominican, half-Puerto Rican and she was a bitch on wheels. She was the first woman to ever throw a knife at my head. I still love to reminisce about those halcyon days. We had our things we did as a couple. She would castigate me for being so damn tired all the time. I would tell her that my history studies were kicking my ass. I would take the rent money, buy Heroin with it and then spar with my landlord for 5-6 days until I was able to come up with the money. Mr. Agnostoupolos was the only landlord I had ever rented from to use the phrase "I know where you live" in correspondence with me. I used to have nightmares that he would break into our apartment in the middle of the night and murder me. I had spent my youth boxing and wrestling. I had seen Rocky 1-4 no less than a dozen times. It goes without saying, I was prepared for anything.
I lived in a triple decker in the city's Acre district about a mile from where I grew up. I lived with 4 others, my high school best friend, Cori and two random dudes. One is a guy named Taylor who I knew from having bought lots of Ecstasy off of him. The last one, I can't even remember his name; clearly and ancillary character no? My landlord would call the three of us "Dopey, Scrawny and Fuckface". I lived in a single room with Maria. She was everything I had always loved about latin women. She had the fiery passion in her heart enough to make me feel loved and occasionally, terrified. I was young enough and not yet using enough dope that my sex-drive was still occasionally present. I was also young enough to still put such a premium upon "sex-on-demand" that I was willing to forego that feeling in the pit of my stomach that would tell me to run away and change my name. I couldn't do that though. I knew if I did, she would undoubtedly murder my best friend.
I was doing a good enough job keeping myself alive at UMass, attending every single mandatory class and doing my best to learn the same math my peers had mastered back in the 8th-9th grade. I dreamed of being a teacher. At this time, I was so confident I was going to die or end up in prison or something, it just didn't seem possible. Fuck, I didn't think I was going to live to be 30 years old and look at me now, I'm 35 bitches!
I had started using Opioids, at that time, we still tended to refer to the whole lot as "Opiates", but I'm showing my age here. Lowell was a destination for drug users from all up and down the interstate corridor. However, people from Lowell knew to go to Lawrence for the best and cheapest Heroin. Lawrence was a bit smaller than Lowell, but highly dense in population. It was 70% Latino back in the day. We would go there and buy grams of Heroin for 40-50 bucks; less if we bought more. I would make money by bringing back the cheaper Heroin and selling it to the people unwilling to go into Lawrence. See, Lawrence had an almost entirely Caucasian police force and they would profile White folks in the city and find reasons to pull them over. When we would go, we would call our dealer. Almost all of the dealers were known as Papi and I took would be referred to as Papi. This could make the logistics of communication complicated, but it felt nice to be included in another's culture.
We would end up waiting on the side of the road until the SUV would pull up alongside us for just a second. That was the signal. We would put the car in drive and follow them on twists and turns throughout the city until they would suddenly pull over. I would run up to their window. Papi would then spit plastic wrapped "grams", always weighing 0.8g into your hand. You didn't really have a choice in the matter. Flu season or not, you had to then put the dope in your own mouth. Yes, there was a sexual element to this for me, but that is something for discussion on a different forum, perhaps, "Keif's Late-Night Homoerotic Confessions". We will save that material for later episodes.
I got into the passenger seat of Renee's late, late-model Toyota Corolla. We should've known better than to go into the town after dark, but dope waits for no man. See, Renee was a complete fucking moron. I believe he was probably born addicted to all of the drugs, was dropped on his head a couple of times and the fact that he was fully French-Canadian didn't help. His parents had immigrated during the great Dry-Wall Rush of the early 80's. They say French Canadians are the Mexicans of dry-wall. I wouldn't know, because I don't say shit like that, because I am not a racist. He had only two teeth left in his mouth, right in front. The roots were so black that I feel infection had somehow fixed the teeth permanently in place. I'm sure those two teeth reminisce of the days in which the molars were still available to help chew. There's no point pining over what once was though. Renee flashed me a snaglle-toothed grin as I sat down on a bed of Doritos crumbs and receipts.
I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Storm clouds of sheer discomfort formed over Middlesex County that night. I had hoped it was just gas. I became so certain we were going to get pulled over in Lawrence. I swore to God that I would never go back to Lawrence again if he would just let me make it out of there and back home to my borderline-abusive girlfriend. Then I could get high, turn on some King of the Hill and pretend like I was listening until we would inevitably have angry, loveless sex and go to sleep. Well, the universe had other plans for me that night. Remember how I told you about how stupid Renee was? That is what is known as foreshadowing in the writing game.
I had to run over the New Hampshire border to drop off Heroin to a guy in Nashua. As we got off the highway, I noticed we were slowing down for no reason on the exit ramp. Renee is already visibly sweaty by the time I look over to see that we are indeed, out of gas. Renee forgot to put gas in his piece of shit car and we were now slowly rolling to a stop literally on the exit ramp. I begin freaking out trying to think of a way out of this. Not more than 5 minutes later did the New Hampshire state Police roll up on us. They took one look at Renee and his snaggle-toothed smile and asked to search the car. Renee had already swallowed the entirety of the Heroin, about 6 grams. I knew we would be fine. All I had in my pocket was a syringe. There was no getting rid of that and it would be a ticket at the very least... in Mass.
In New Hampshire, things were different. I politely informed the officer of the syringe in my pocket. He removed it. Several minutes later, the trooper returned to informed me that they had swabbed the inside of the barrel and it had tested positive for Heroin. I was like "so?". The trooper than told me to turn around and informed me I was under arrest for Felony possession of Heroin. I did not have a criminal record of any kind. I was in college and hoping to be a teacher. My life flashed before my eyes as the situation seemed just too surreal to be happening. I started the day with hopes and dreams. Now, I was on my way to the Hillsborough County Jail in Manchester, NH aka "Valley Street". It had a reputation even over the border. You didn't want to go there if you had to go somewhere. I went through waves of denial and bargaining with the Universe. I would be out by morning. I kept telling myself. They were going to medicate my withdrawal. Surely, they wouldn't be so uncivilized as to let a white Jewish boy in college withdraw amongst the riff raff?
I intended to use all of my guile, charisma, intelligence and white privilege to get myself out of this situation. Little did I know, I was about to be put into a dark hole where nobody gave two fucks about any of my wants, needs or desires. Next time, I'll break down one of the most utterly terrifying, miserable periods of my entire life. Coming soon in Part 2.
So, I´m sitting here in my shitty spot here on the outskirts of Burlington Vermont. It is fucking freezing out. There are no longer any busses on Sunday. The people who are working minmimum wage jobs like myself are forced to call Ubers or otherwise not show up. I am a little more than a week away from starting my new job. I´m going to be working at a shelter for youths, or people under the age of 24.
My fingers feel like fucking wood right now. I´m 35 and Lupus is already destroying my joints, so what the fuck am I supposed to do when I´m 50? It´s kind of a scary prospect. I´m completely dependent on the bus to get aroune. The terminus for the bus in this area is downtown and that is where you will go to switch routes and ultimatlely get where you need to go. The bus terminal is the only heated place in town outside of the library in which homeless people can congregate and be warm. They have wifi at the bus terminal too. Anytime I have to go downtown, I swear the rabble of homeless individuals grows every day.
What´s more, I see more and more kids out here every day. They are not going to school like they should be. They are separating from society already and choosing to live on the streets. They all seem to get sucked up into the web of Fentanyl or whatever other Opioids are going around. I can´t really blame them. When I´ve been outside this period of my life, there have been moments where I´ve felt the desire to take a hit of some Opioid that will make me feel warm and safe for even a moment of my life. I see how kids without the proper understanding of the consequences get sucked it and they get sucked in quick.
The weathered faces of some of these kids is heartbreaking man. How does a 19 year old end up looking like she is 35-40 in such a short period of time? It wasn´t like this when I was younger. I used Heroin for 15 years and I still retain the majority of my health. Lupus is unrelated to the Heroin, so I´d say I´ve done pretty well for myself. I contracted Hep C in Cambodia and ended up clearing it naturally, thank god. I see so many people walking around with walkers and canes. They have injection injuries in their hips and in their legs that have left them crippled, potentially for life.
I see hopelessness on the face of everyone in this area. Everyone has the 1,000 yard stare of individuals who have been misused, disregarded, discarded and raped either literally or figuratively, over and over again. I see children on the street who you know never had parents to begin with. Maybe they ended up in foster care where they were abused/mistreated. Maybe cold nighhts out on the street in a tent is preferable to whatever their ¨home life¨ truly is. You can only wonder.
There is a small courtyard downtown that used to be the outdoor seating for a sushi place. Businesses have left or are leaving downtown as the homeless crisis cuts into the retail market of the area. There is no restaurant here anymore. It is covered by a metal roof that provides the feeling of cover for the individuals there. I walk by and see a cacophany of lights. People have their cell phone lights on, lighters are flicking. In the pitch black, there are about a dozen crack heads either cleaning their pipes for resin, smoking crack or searching for it on the ground. They put whatever debris they can find into their pipes and hope for one moment of freedom from their shitty lives. I see the draw, but I don´t get involved. I know the price of that momentary release... three steps backward.
In this world, even one step backward is enough to permanently condemn you to the hell that is the streets of Burlington. I am inside at this moment and warm. I do not know if I will be later or what my day will be like. I have to get to work, but there are no busses and to take an Uber would just be outrageous and stupid. You go to the food banks. They used to have good food if you got there in time. I was there last week twice. They had a couple of weird radishes, boxes of corn flakes, no milk, no peanut butter and boxes upon boxes of frito/lay chips. They had so much un-nutritious shit, it´a like, why do you even bother with any or this if we are just giving the kids and families unhealthy food.
Stealing dinner every night is not an option, for me or for anyone else. I have never been caught shoplifting in an entire life spent shoplifting when I needed to. I´m poor, but I´ve still got my Brooks Brothers shit and my Peacoat from my days of education and I wear that whenever I have to do dirt. Apparently, artifical intelligence is now employed in many stores in the area. They will record you taking things and wait until you rack up felony amounts then they will get you. So now, I´m forced to pay for my food every day and the cost is oppressive.
I have a short while before I´m back working my trade, god willing. I want to be giving back and being there for the kids as I was previously. They need the help the most. With any luck, I will be able to catch a few before they fall into addiction and homelessness. Every day is a struggle. Affording medcine, affording food. I´m just some single douchebag without dependents. I may be suffering currently, but at least I am not responsible for children. It´s just me in this situation.
Things seem really bad right now. Poverty is rough. Politics are shitty. I continue to put one foot in front of the other and like everyone here, try to be something for my community. I appreciate everyone on here who is taking the time to be there to help one another. That is what we need right now more than anyting, togetherness and understanding. There is too much hate right now, in life and on the streets. Every day, I feel myself getting sucked closer to that event horizon while struggling with everyting in my being to resist the pull into oblivion. I believe in myself and everyone on here who is struggling. I hope everyone has a good day. I´m going out into the frozen wastes to try to get to work
My fingers feel like fucking wood right now. I´m 35 and Lupus is already destroying my joints, so what the fuck am I supposed to do when I´m 50? It´s kind of a scary prospect. I´m completely dependent on the bus to get aroune. The terminus for the bus in this area is downtown and that is where you will go to switch routes and ultimatlely get where you need to go. The bus terminal is the only heated place in town outside of the library in which homeless people can congregate and be warm. They have wifi at the bus terminal too. Anytime I have to go downtown, I swear the rabble of homeless individuals grows every day.
What´s more, I see more and more kids out here every day. They are not going to school like they should be. They are separating from society already and choosing to live on the streets. They all seem to get sucked up into the web of Fentanyl or whatever other Opioids are going around. I can´t really blame them. When I´ve been outside this period of my life, there have been moments where I´ve felt the desire to take a hit of some Opioid that will make me feel warm and safe for even a moment of my life. I see how kids without the proper understanding of the consequences get sucked it and they get sucked in quick.
The weathered faces of some of these kids is heartbreaking man. How does a 19 year old end up looking like she is 35-40 in such a short period of time? It wasn´t like this when I was younger. I used Heroin for 15 years and I still retain the majority of my health. Lupus is unrelated to the Heroin, so I´d say I´ve done pretty well for myself. I contracted Hep C in Cambodia and ended up clearing it naturally, thank god. I see so many people walking around with walkers and canes. They have injection injuries in their hips and in their legs that have left them crippled, potentially for life.
I see hopelessness on the face of everyone in this area. Everyone has the 1,000 yard stare of individuals who have been misused, disregarded, discarded and raped either literally or figuratively, over and over again. I see children on the street who you know never had parents to begin with. Maybe they ended up in foster care where they were abused/mistreated. Maybe cold nighhts out on the street in a tent is preferable to whatever their ¨home life¨ truly is. You can only wonder.
There is a small courtyard downtown that used to be the outdoor seating for a sushi place. Businesses have left or are leaving downtown as the homeless crisis cuts into the retail market of the area. There is no restaurant here anymore. It is covered by a metal roof that provides the feeling of cover for the individuals there. I walk by and see a cacophany of lights. People have their cell phone lights on, lighters are flicking. In the pitch black, there are about a dozen crack heads either cleaning their pipes for resin, smoking crack or searching for it on the ground. They put whatever debris they can find into their pipes and hope for one moment of freedom from their shitty lives. I see the draw, but I don´t get involved. I know the price of that momentary release... three steps backward.
In this world, even one step backward is enough to permanently condemn you to the hell that is the streets of Burlington. I am inside at this moment and warm. I do not know if I will be later or what my day will be like. I have to get to work, but there are no busses and to take an Uber would just be outrageous and stupid. You go to the food banks. They used to have good food if you got there in time. I was there last week twice. They had a couple of weird radishes, boxes of corn flakes, no milk, no peanut butter and boxes upon boxes of frito/lay chips. They had so much un-nutritious shit, it´a like, why do you even bother with any or this if we are just giving the kids and families unhealthy food.
Stealing dinner every night is not an option, for me or for anyone else. I have never been caught shoplifting in an entire life spent shoplifting when I needed to. I´m poor, but I´ve still got my Brooks Brothers shit and my Peacoat from my days of education and I wear that whenever I have to do dirt. Apparently, artifical intelligence is now employed in many stores in the area. They will record you taking things and wait until you rack up felony amounts then they will get you. So now, I´m forced to pay for my food every day and the cost is oppressive.
I have a short while before I´m back working my trade, god willing. I want to be giving back and being there for the kids as I was previously. They need the help the most. With any luck, I will be able to catch a few before they fall into addiction and homelessness. Every day is a struggle. Affording medcine, affording food. I´m just some single douchebag without dependents. I may be suffering currently, but at least I am not responsible for children. It´s just me in this situation.
Things seem really bad right now. Poverty is rough. Politics are shitty. I continue to put one foot in front of the other and like everyone here, try to be something for my community. I appreciate everyone on here who is taking the time to be there to help one another. That is what we need right now more than anyting, togetherness and understanding. There is too much hate right now, in life and on the streets. Every day, I feel myself getting sucked closer to that event horizon while struggling with everyting in my being to resist the pull into oblivion. I believe in myself and everyone on here who is struggling. I hope everyone has a good day. I´m going out into the frozen wastes to try to get to work
Hello cretans of Bluelight, friends and romans all.
As many of you know, this past month has been some of the biggest bullshit I´ve faced in recent memory. It is no doubt the worst situation I´ve been in since getting sober. When I was using, I´d be in this situation every day of my life it seemed.
After taking one job, being screwed out of a paycheck and being forced to work for a convenience store and then UPS, I am proud to say I have been offered a job in my field. I am going to be managing the overnight shift at a youth shelter here in Burlington. It really is one of the best jobs I could have possibly gotten. It feels like a bit of divine intervention. They operate a shelter and a drop-in center. They´re aware that I´m pretty much destitute as I explained my situation with my last employer and they were understanding. There is a possibility for help with housing. At the very least it will be benefits and an (almost) livable wage.
I am in the home stretch of all of this. Every day has been a different challenge that has reminded me of all that I have/had to be grateful for in this world. To have love, shelter, food and my health... it seems like a distant memory. It´s amazing what constant stress can do to your body. I´ve got a constant feeling of tension that is only alleviated by hearing about this job. There is a light at the end of this fucked up tunnel.
I will be working and living with youths under the age of 22 who are homeless. I have always loved working with kids which is why I became a teacher in the first place. My years of personal experience with addiction and my time with Bluelight makes me specially-geared to be able to help some of these wayward youths. I have very high hopes that I will be able to enrich their lives and them enrich mine.
I have a couple of weeks at least until I can get my health insurance. Today´s struggle, I am required to see my doctor to get new scripts for all of my medications. The psychiatrist alone is 100 bucks up front. Then I have to pay for these prescriptions. It´s been two days since I haven´t had any Gabapentin one day without Clonidine and Methadone will be a problem soon. I have lupus and I take a biologic for my arthritis. My body is locked up like a rusty piece of farm machinery when i wake up in the morning.
I have significant fears that I will not be able to figure out this issue. This leaves me two choices, withdraw from everything then attempt to start this job fresh or do something like panhandle to get the required funds. I have to say, at this point in my life, I´m gettting to a point where I´m not above panhandling if that´s what it takes to fix my life. I can´t believe it, but it is hard times right now.
I´ve been able to figure out so many things this past month that I thought I wouldn´t be able to. I´ve been blessed with fortune, as I´ve seen how I could´ve been swallowed up by poverty on multiple occasions. Being dependent upon substances sucks, whether you´re ¨sober¨ or not. In times of plenty, I never had to consider these things. They were ¨givens¨ in my life. I never thought I would ever be in a position where I couldn´t just get my refills. Now I see this as my last obstacle to actually succeeding.
I am calling around to all of the nonprofits in the area. They are all inundated with requests. I keep my hopes up that there is someone I called who will call me back from the state or one of these random non-profits I´ve contacted.
I´m a person who suffered a pretty sudden and unexpected life circumstance. In this state, there is so much help available for those who have absolutely nothing. I don´t want their help to be taken away, but shit, it´d be nice if there were even a little bit of help available to us working folk who run into trouble in their lives. I continue to investigate. The issue is that, as my withdrawal progresses, I´m less and less effective, physically and mentally. I´m racing against the clock to figure this last bit out.
I´d love to be able to walk into my new job not a sweaty, nervous, sketchy mess. My fear is that I´m already seeing how I´m set up for another failure by not having the medication. I can already see how this could end with me not being able to do the job or making a terrible first impression. I honestly feel a bit like a rat in a cage. I haven´t really had to withdraw like this for a long time and it brings me right back to being a junkie which is a shitty feeling.
So, case in point, we have some really good news. This could be the end of all of this. Then there is of course, one last boss battle before I can walk in there with my head held high. Wish me luck everybody. I´ve already resigned myself to flying a sign outside if that´s what it takes. I´m 100% determined not to fuck up. I´m grateful for the job. Grateful fo my friends on Bluelight. I´m grateful to have a sponsor who can keep me grounded. I hope everyone is having a good year thus far. Until next time.
As many of you know, this past month has been some of the biggest bullshit I´ve faced in recent memory. It is no doubt the worst situation I´ve been in since getting sober. When I was using, I´d be in this situation every day of my life it seemed.
After taking one job, being screwed out of a paycheck and being forced to work for a convenience store and then UPS, I am proud to say I have been offered a job in my field. I am going to be managing the overnight shift at a youth shelter here in Burlington. It really is one of the best jobs I could have possibly gotten. It feels like a bit of divine intervention. They operate a shelter and a drop-in center. They´re aware that I´m pretty much destitute as I explained my situation with my last employer and they were understanding. There is a possibility for help with housing. At the very least it will be benefits and an (almost) livable wage.
I am in the home stretch of all of this. Every day has been a different challenge that has reminded me of all that I have/had to be grateful for in this world. To have love, shelter, food and my health... it seems like a distant memory. It´s amazing what constant stress can do to your body. I´ve got a constant feeling of tension that is only alleviated by hearing about this job. There is a light at the end of this fucked up tunnel.
I will be working and living with youths under the age of 22 who are homeless. I have always loved working with kids which is why I became a teacher in the first place. My years of personal experience with addiction and my time with Bluelight makes me specially-geared to be able to help some of these wayward youths. I have very high hopes that I will be able to enrich their lives and them enrich mine.
I have a couple of weeks at least until I can get my health insurance. Today´s struggle, I am required to see my doctor to get new scripts for all of my medications. The psychiatrist alone is 100 bucks up front. Then I have to pay for these prescriptions. It´s been two days since I haven´t had any Gabapentin one day without Clonidine and Methadone will be a problem soon. I have lupus and I take a biologic for my arthritis. My body is locked up like a rusty piece of farm machinery when i wake up in the morning.
I have significant fears that I will not be able to figure out this issue. This leaves me two choices, withdraw from everything then attempt to start this job fresh or do something like panhandle to get the required funds. I have to say, at this point in my life, I´m gettting to a point where I´m not above panhandling if that´s what it takes to fix my life. I can´t believe it, but it is hard times right now.
I´ve been able to figure out so many things this past month that I thought I wouldn´t be able to. I´ve been blessed with fortune, as I´ve seen how I could´ve been swallowed up by poverty on multiple occasions. Being dependent upon substances sucks, whether you´re ¨sober¨ or not. In times of plenty, I never had to consider these things. They were ¨givens¨ in my life. I never thought I would ever be in a position where I couldn´t just get my refills. Now I see this as my last obstacle to actually succeeding.
I am calling around to all of the nonprofits in the area. They are all inundated with requests. I keep my hopes up that there is someone I called who will call me back from the state or one of these random non-profits I´ve contacted.
I´m a person who suffered a pretty sudden and unexpected life circumstance. In this state, there is so much help available for those who have absolutely nothing. I don´t want their help to be taken away, but shit, it´d be nice if there were even a little bit of help available to us working folk who run into trouble in their lives. I continue to investigate. The issue is that, as my withdrawal progresses, I´m less and less effective, physically and mentally. I´m racing against the clock to figure this last bit out.
I´d love to be able to walk into my new job not a sweaty, nervous, sketchy mess. My fear is that I´m already seeing how I´m set up for another failure by not having the medication. I can already see how this could end with me not being able to do the job or making a terrible first impression. I honestly feel a bit like a rat in a cage. I haven´t really had to withdraw like this for a long time and it brings me right back to being a junkie which is a shitty feeling.
So, case in point, we have some really good news. This could be the end of all of this. Then there is of course, one last boss battle before I can walk in there with my head held high. Wish me luck everybody. I´ve already resigned myself to flying a sign outside if that´s what it takes. I´m 100% determined not to fuck up. I´m grateful for the job. Grateful fo my friends on Bluelight. I´m grateful to have a sponsor who can keep me grounded. I hope everyone is having a good year thus far. Until next time.
Today I am at the laundromat with my wife. We do laundry 2 times a week because we live in an Rv with 4 dogs and a cat. Things get dirty faster living in limited space than when we were living in our house. The same is true with buying groceries, limited pantry and refrigerator space prompts us to buy groceries 2 times a week rather than going to the store once a week.
If you are routinely present at a given space or activity, you recognize people who routinely occupy the space with you thus forming friendships and acquaintances. We see more people we recognize at the laundromat than the grocery store. Perhaps because people at the laundromat are more consistent than the fluid motion of people buying groceries.
Go figure?
If you are routinely present at a given space or activity, you recognize people who routinely occupy the space with you thus forming friendships and acquaintances. We see more people we recognize at the laundromat than the grocery store. Perhaps because people at the laundromat are more consistent than the fluid motion of people buying groceries.
Go figure?
This is an appendix to my Using LSD as a substitute for DMT in ayahuasca thread.
Effects in man of single and combined oral doses of reserpine, iproniazid, and D-lysergic acid diethylamide. DeMaar, E. W. J., Williams, H. L., Miller, A. I., Pfeiffer, C. C. 1960. Clinical Pharmacology & Therapeutics, 1(1), 23–30. 10.1002/cpt19601123
LSD-25 action in normal subjects treated with a monoamine oxidase inhibitor. 1964. Life Sciences, 3(11), 1207–1214. 10.1016/0024-3205(64)90037-2
Blocking of LSD reaction by premedication with Niamid. Grof, S., Dytrych, Z. 1965. Activitas nervosa superior, 7(3), 306.
Alterations in responses to LSD in humans associated with chronic administration of tricyclic antidepressants, monoamine oxidase inhibitors or lithium. Bonson, K., Murphy, D. 1996. Behav Brain Res, 73(1-2), 229–33. 10.1016/0166-4328(96)00102-7
Effects in man of single and combined oral doses of reserpine, iproniazid, and D-lysergic acid diethylamide. DeMaar, E. W. J., Williams, H. L., Miller, A. I., Pfeiffer, C. C. 1960. Clinical Pharmacology & Therapeutics, 1(1), 23–30. 10.1002/cpt19601123
LSD-25 action in normal subjects treated with a monoamine oxidase inhibitor. 1964. Life Sciences, 3(11), 1207–1214. 10.1016/0024-3205(64)90037-2
Blocking of LSD reaction by premedication with Niamid. Grof, S., Dytrych, Z. 1965. Activitas nervosa superior, 7(3), 306.
Alterations in responses to LSD in humans associated with chronic administration of tricyclic antidepressants, monoamine oxidase inhibitors or lithium. Bonson, K., Murphy, D. 1996. Behav Brain Res, 73(1-2), 229–33. 10.1016/0166-4328(96)00102-7
Here we are everyone. Every day that I expect life has gotten as bad as it can get, for myself or for all of my fellow addicts, wage laborers and indentured servants. Every day that I come to a new revelation regarding the state of our society, I am later made to feel naive to the true nature of things. I have a blog that follows my own descent into absolute bullshit. I want everyone who has time to read this to get the idea of what is happening out there and what is possible for you and the people that you love.
A lot of you know that I am a ¨Child of Addiction¨ in that my Father was an Alcoholic/Cocaine addict throughout the majority of my childhood prior to getting sober. However, I was fortunate to grow up in a household with two parents in which I was never in danger of going hungry. We never had to be in the bread lines or to be on food stamps. For growing up in the area I grew up in, we were considered a more well-off family. My Dad had a BMW. My Mom had a Mercedez. We had a nice apartment in a nicer part of the city. My family, who has been financially stable for most of my life are now in danger of bankruptcy. My Father, who has been a salesperson, selling stuff like computers that guide missiles and other military hardware, was recently laid off. I found out he actually was laid off 3 months ago. My own parents are now in financial danger. It is heartbreaking. As I love my Mother, my Dad and I have always been a bit more frosty. Still, it´s a major shock to me.
I live in Burlington, VT. As a lot of you know, I was in a multi-month on-boarding process/training for a recovery center here in a nearby town. It was a mangement gig that was actually the most I´d ever been offered for a job ever. They were opening on the strength of Opioid settlement money. It is now apparent that they have mismanaged the money. The majority of the first-wave has been laid off and they are not giving us our pay. My point is, this is a ¨recovery center¨, allegedly dedicated to the hopes and dreams of those who want to do better and get better, and they have no problem not paying their employees and are apparently unafraid of the consequences. I have never worked for a company ever, as I can remember, that has not paid me. I´ve never been forced to fight for my pay from any organization, be it a kitchen or anywhere else. People do not give a fuck.
See I had an experience with the Department of Labor. They are the ones who need to help me get my wages. They take 4-6 months to get people their unemployment insurance, so how long would it take to get my couple weeks of wages?
So now the time invested in commuting to this job, doing the trainings and helping them set up? I´m not only fired, but I now have not been making any money in theory for a couple of weeks and must start from scratch. I am now working at a gas station, but that is not even full time yet.
Here is the part that is most frightening to me and that I feel could apply to many of us, even those in recovery. See, I take several prescriptions. I am ineligible for Medicaid for a while as my income on file is too high. Ditto for food stamps and most other assistance. My doctor threw me a curveball at a very bad time and said he needed to see me before he would refill my medication. As I have no insurance right now (I couldn´t keep paying COBRA) that would be money I don´t have. Then there is the cost of prescriptions.
Gabapentin, Methadone, Vyvanse, Clonidine, Biologic for Lupus/Arthritis...
I consistently have run into walls trying to get any help from the state or county with this shit. My income is too high and the agencies are all incredibly inundated with requests for help. Everything that could help would take too long to actually come through in time to help. Part of my staying afloat would mean, if I suddenly start withdrawing from all of these medications, I would be pretty incapable of functioning. So, I´m now feeling the fear of imminent withdrawal from this shit, which will then cascade into increasingly worse shit for my life. My only option would be to check into the hospital and try to, I´m not sure, go to a detox or rehab or something? You see, even last year, there would have been a way of accomplishing this shit. There is little to no assistance left in this state. If you´ve made any money in the previous year, you´re fucked. If you´re too poor to afford it, help would take too long to get to you.
These are all things that I took completely for granted. I never was concerned about not getting my prescriptions. I always had insurance. I always had a job. When I endured this break up with my girlfriend, I had not a fucking clue of how bad things were going to be. See, I had been blissfully unaware of how bad things had truly gotten in the past 12 months. I had been steadily employed and although I was living paycheck to paycheck, I was always comfortable; especially by comparison to now.
I have a college degree and I can theoretically get good jobs. I´m applying for these jobs, but if I´m in withdrawal from all of these medications, I would be totally fucked. I don´t have a working cell phone now as that has been shut off. This means a lot of higher-level jobs are not even going to want to fuck with me until I have a working phone. Who would want to entertain hiring someone without a working phone? Verizon does not allow you to pause service if you´re already overdue on your balance, so that continue to tick up every day even as I don´t have a phone.
I am writing this and my other posts because I want people to adjust their expectations regarding their lives. Those of us who have dependencies; either prescriptions or street drugs, we are all very close to a precipice that, once you´re over, it really seems that society is trying to squeeze you out. I feel like, if I were able to get a good job again and be earning money, I wouldn´t be getting this squeezed out by society feeling that I´m experiencing. There are more and more people, daily, sleeping in their cars. I have seen people sleeping in the parking lot at the grocery store in fucking Audi´s.
I know it´s been easy in the past to make mistakes with money. There was always the possibility of coming back from your problems. When I went through all of this bullshit with my girlfriend, never would I have expected life to be so utterly cold and brutal on the other side. I was totally unprepared. If I had been ready for what was ahead of me, I could have done things differently. If I had been more conservative, tried harder, conserved more, I wouldn´t be in this situation. We are all here on Bluelight because we are drug users. A lot of us have addictions and dependencies. I´m sure a lot of you are just like me. You are feeling the squeeze right now.
If you are in a relationship, think twice before walking out the door. I should have pushed my rights as a renter, but I felt too badly for my girlfriend, who I feel at this point does not care at all about me, as she is aware that I´m out here suffering. I should have fought harder to protect what I had. Even having a month to prepare for this exit could have put me in a better place. It could have kept me from homelessness. Now I´m racing against the clock. I have to find a way to cover my medical costs on my own. I am one step away from panhandling. The problem with panhandling is, once you´re face is known to everyone in your community, it is known. People look down on you, pity you and see you as the ¨other¨ in society.
My family, who was in decent shape for most of my life are in danger of bankruptcy. I have a college degree and I´m homeless and in danger of complete fucking collapse. I´ve worked my entire life. I´ve never experienced anything close to this severity in my life. I am racing against a clock that is constantly shrinking the amount of available time. Food continues to get more expensive, I am almost out of medications and at this point, I´m used to life as a bum.
If you are using drugs and feel you can do better, now is the time to try to do better. If you have a job and you´re thinking about giving your boss the finger because it´s payday, think again. I know a lot of us are problably thinking like I was, that life was the same as it had always been. I wasn´t reading the signs clearly enough in society around me. If I had been paying attention and taken it more seriously, I wouldn´t be in this position.
I´m pretty much witnessing the twilight of my life now. That´s what it feels like. I know that I´m going to continue working as much as I can. I´m going to continue to keep my sobriety and go to meetings. They are the only thing that give me any kind of stability in this world. If I were to start drinking, I would almost certainly be out of options. I´d become totally useless and I would no longer be able to do all of the running around required to stay alive right now. You all should make the same considerations. We all need to be so careful right now. We have a government that would gladly see all of us out of society, whether you´re a former addict like myself on the clinic, a street addict or even just a wage-slave, there is less and less place for us in this society.
Everyone, please make a plan. Especially if you have people who depend on you, make a plan. Save money and consider your actions before wasting money. Take this as my warning. A lot of people on here might say that I know what I´m talking about. While I´m not an economist, I´m an expert on misery at this point in my life. You all need to be so, so careful with yourselves. I´m gonna continue to pray for everyone worse off than myself. I don´t even need charity, I just need a job. I thought I had that. Unscrupulous people are getting more unscrupulous every day as resources thin. The likelihood of getting a hand up is just less and less every day.
Be careful out there everybody. Be fucking careful and learn from Keif´s mistakes. Be smarter than I was.
A lot of you know that I am a ¨Child of Addiction¨ in that my Father was an Alcoholic/Cocaine addict throughout the majority of my childhood prior to getting sober. However, I was fortunate to grow up in a household with two parents in which I was never in danger of going hungry. We never had to be in the bread lines or to be on food stamps. For growing up in the area I grew up in, we were considered a more well-off family. My Dad had a BMW. My Mom had a Mercedez. We had a nice apartment in a nicer part of the city. My family, who has been financially stable for most of my life are now in danger of bankruptcy. My Father, who has been a salesperson, selling stuff like computers that guide missiles and other military hardware, was recently laid off. I found out he actually was laid off 3 months ago. My own parents are now in financial danger. It is heartbreaking. As I love my Mother, my Dad and I have always been a bit more frosty. Still, it´s a major shock to me.
I live in Burlington, VT. As a lot of you know, I was in a multi-month on-boarding process/training for a recovery center here in a nearby town. It was a mangement gig that was actually the most I´d ever been offered for a job ever. They were opening on the strength of Opioid settlement money. It is now apparent that they have mismanaged the money. The majority of the first-wave has been laid off and they are not giving us our pay. My point is, this is a ¨recovery center¨, allegedly dedicated to the hopes and dreams of those who want to do better and get better, and they have no problem not paying their employees and are apparently unafraid of the consequences. I have never worked for a company ever, as I can remember, that has not paid me. I´ve never been forced to fight for my pay from any organization, be it a kitchen or anywhere else. People do not give a fuck.
See I had an experience with the Department of Labor. They are the ones who need to help me get my wages. They take 4-6 months to get people their unemployment insurance, so how long would it take to get my couple weeks of wages?
So now the time invested in commuting to this job, doing the trainings and helping them set up? I´m not only fired, but I now have not been making any money in theory for a couple of weeks and must start from scratch. I am now working at a gas station, but that is not even full time yet.
Here is the part that is most frightening to me and that I feel could apply to many of us, even those in recovery. See, I take several prescriptions. I am ineligible for Medicaid for a while as my income on file is too high. Ditto for food stamps and most other assistance. My doctor threw me a curveball at a very bad time and said he needed to see me before he would refill my medication. As I have no insurance right now (I couldn´t keep paying COBRA) that would be money I don´t have. Then there is the cost of prescriptions.
Gabapentin, Methadone, Vyvanse, Clonidine, Biologic for Lupus/Arthritis...
I consistently have run into walls trying to get any help from the state or county with this shit. My income is too high and the agencies are all incredibly inundated with requests for help. Everything that could help would take too long to actually come through in time to help. Part of my staying afloat would mean, if I suddenly start withdrawing from all of these medications, I would be pretty incapable of functioning. So, I´m now feeling the fear of imminent withdrawal from this shit, which will then cascade into increasingly worse shit for my life. My only option would be to check into the hospital and try to, I´m not sure, go to a detox or rehab or something? You see, even last year, there would have been a way of accomplishing this shit. There is little to no assistance left in this state. If you´ve made any money in the previous year, you´re fucked. If you´re too poor to afford it, help would take too long to get to you.
These are all things that I took completely for granted. I never was concerned about not getting my prescriptions. I always had insurance. I always had a job. When I endured this break up with my girlfriend, I had not a fucking clue of how bad things were going to be. See, I had been blissfully unaware of how bad things had truly gotten in the past 12 months. I had been steadily employed and although I was living paycheck to paycheck, I was always comfortable; especially by comparison to now.
I have a college degree and I can theoretically get good jobs. I´m applying for these jobs, but if I´m in withdrawal from all of these medications, I would be totally fucked. I don´t have a working cell phone now as that has been shut off. This means a lot of higher-level jobs are not even going to want to fuck with me until I have a working phone. Who would want to entertain hiring someone without a working phone? Verizon does not allow you to pause service if you´re already overdue on your balance, so that continue to tick up every day even as I don´t have a phone.
I am writing this and my other posts because I want people to adjust their expectations regarding their lives. Those of us who have dependencies; either prescriptions or street drugs, we are all very close to a precipice that, once you´re over, it really seems that society is trying to squeeze you out. I feel like, if I were able to get a good job again and be earning money, I wouldn´t be getting this squeezed out by society feeling that I´m experiencing. There are more and more people, daily, sleeping in their cars. I have seen people sleeping in the parking lot at the grocery store in fucking Audi´s.
I know it´s been easy in the past to make mistakes with money. There was always the possibility of coming back from your problems. When I went through all of this bullshit with my girlfriend, never would I have expected life to be so utterly cold and brutal on the other side. I was totally unprepared. If I had been ready for what was ahead of me, I could have done things differently. If I had been more conservative, tried harder, conserved more, I wouldn´t be in this situation. We are all here on Bluelight because we are drug users. A lot of us have addictions and dependencies. I´m sure a lot of you are just like me. You are feeling the squeeze right now.
If you are in a relationship, think twice before walking out the door. I should have pushed my rights as a renter, but I felt too badly for my girlfriend, who I feel at this point does not care at all about me, as she is aware that I´m out here suffering. I should have fought harder to protect what I had. Even having a month to prepare for this exit could have put me in a better place. It could have kept me from homelessness. Now I´m racing against the clock. I have to find a way to cover my medical costs on my own. I am one step away from panhandling. The problem with panhandling is, once you´re face is known to everyone in your community, it is known. People look down on you, pity you and see you as the ¨other¨ in society.
My family, who was in decent shape for most of my life are in danger of bankruptcy. I have a college degree and I´m homeless and in danger of complete fucking collapse. I´ve worked my entire life. I´ve never experienced anything close to this severity in my life. I am racing against a clock that is constantly shrinking the amount of available time. Food continues to get more expensive, I am almost out of medications and at this point, I´m used to life as a bum.
If you are using drugs and feel you can do better, now is the time to try to do better. If you have a job and you´re thinking about giving your boss the finger because it´s payday, think again. I know a lot of us are problably thinking like I was, that life was the same as it had always been. I wasn´t reading the signs clearly enough in society around me. If I had been paying attention and taken it more seriously, I wouldn´t be in this position.
I´m pretty much witnessing the twilight of my life now. That´s what it feels like. I know that I´m going to continue working as much as I can. I´m going to continue to keep my sobriety and go to meetings. They are the only thing that give me any kind of stability in this world. If I were to start drinking, I would almost certainly be out of options. I´d become totally useless and I would no longer be able to do all of the running around required to stay alive right now. You all should make the same considerations. We all need to be so careful right now. We have a government that would gladly see all of us out of society, whether you´re a former addict like myself on the clinic, a street addict or even just a wage-slave, there is less and less place for us in this society.
Everyone, please make a plan. Especially if you have people who depend on you, make a plan. Save money and consider your actions before wasting money. Take this as my warning. A lot of people on here might say that I know what I´m talking about. While I´m not an economist, I´m an expert on misery at this point in my life. You all need to be so, so careful with yourselves. I´m gonna continue to pray for everyone worse off than myself. I don´t even need charity, I just need a job. I thought I had that. Unscrupulous people are getting more unscrupulous every day as resources thin. The likelihood of getting a hand up is just less and less every day.
Be careful out there everybody. Be fucking careful and learn from Keif´s mistakes. Be smarter than I was.
Hey everyone. A lot of you probably don't know this about me. I am pretty much a loner. I have been an educator and a social worker my entire life. I still am. However, I've only ever had clients, I have my AA people, they keep me sober, but they do not make me feel loved.
Life has gone from idyllic to hellish in a few weeks' time. My girlfriend, who I love more than anything, had a severe switch in her Bipolar. We had gone from sipping tea and snuggling the day before to the next morning her screaming like a lunatic that I'm an abuser, a serial killer and to get out. It was my home. I had paid rent. But I was afraid she was so lost she might actually call the cops. The type of work I'm involved in, anything can be enough to get you fired.
So I left hoping that she would get better. I had to leave rural Vermont for the city. I wanted to rent a room. When I got here, I found the only thing available were trap houses. We had had plans for some time that I would be helping open a recovery center and we would use my savings to move there. Having to leave with no plan has been catastrophic.
I don't have friends. Not the right kind. Not the kind that other people seem to have. Some of my best connections with other humans has been helping folks here on the forums.
I have lost the love of my life. I do not know if I will get her back. She was the only one who ever understood me. Meanwhile, I have at least 3 weeks until my job starts. Last night was my first time sleeping outside. I am without a phone now so she couldn't call if she wanted to, which also troubles me greatly. I managed the homeless shelter here in Burlington for 2 years. I slept with some of my former clients last night and felt a sadness that I haven't felt since I was thrown in jail and made to withdraw from Heroin. Just feeling alone.
I am worried I won't be able to figure it out. Am I broken? Am I just a piece of shit? I'm not using anything other than my prescribed medications. I have wanted to drink so badly for just a moment of relief. However, a small part of me still believes I can make it. Taking a drink would end everything. I'm sitting at the library right now, using their internet. I wake up every morning surprised to be alone and back in Burlington. The city is so expensive and now, so dangerous at night. I feel like I'm being punished for everything I've ever done wrong in my life.
The temperatures are dropping. I don't know what will happen next. I've been here for such a long time. I've put my heart and soul into these forums and I'm so proud to have been a part of it. I worry that I'm heading for even harder times. I don't want to disappear without a trace or leave anyone hanging. I just feel so alone. I would do anything to feel warmth and love again. I just need to make it out of here, but I feel I'm about to be swallowed up. I feel like I've run out of tricks. Every day, harder to dig yourself out. I love all you guys and hope you have a good Thanksgiving. I do not have many to talk to. A little bit of love could be enough to keep me hanging on right now, because I'm just barely doing it.
Vermont. My rent for a 1br was 1400. Multiply that by 3 to move in. I am panicking. Is this my fault? What exactly did I do wrong? Is there a reason to not get fucked up? So sad. So fucking sad. Not using, but still essentially a fuck up by the standards of my society. Too dumb, lazy or addicted to actually make it.
Life has gone from idyllic to hellish in a few weeks' time. My girlfriend, who I love more than anything, had a severe switch in her Bipolar. We had gone from sipping tea and snuggling the day before to the next morning her screaming like a lunatic that I'm an abuser, a serial killer and to get out. It was my home. I had paid rent. But I was afraid she was so lost she might actually call the cops. The type of work I'm involved in, anything can be enough to get you fired.
So I left hoping that she would get better. I had to leave rural Vermont for the city. I wanted to rent a room. When I got here, I found the only thing available were trap houses. We had had plans for some time that I would be helping open a recovery center and we would use my savings to move there. Having to leave with no plan has been catastrophic.
I don't have friends. Not the right kind. Not the kind that other people seem to have. Some of my best connections with other humans has been helping folks here on the forums.
I have lost the love of my life. I do not know if I will get her back. She was the only one who ever understood me. Meanwhile, I have at least 3 weeks until my job starts. Last night was my first time sleeping outside. I am without a phone now so she couldn't call if she wanted to, which also troubles me greatly. I managed the homeless shelter here in Burlington for 2 years. I slept with some of my former clients last night and felt a sadness that I haven't felt since I was thrown in jail and made to withdraw from Heroin. Just feeling alone.
I am worried I won't be able to figure it out. Am I broken? Am I just a piece of shit? I'm not using anything other than my prescribed medications. I have wanted to drink so badly for just a moment of relief. However, a small part of me still believes I can make it. Taking a drink would end everything. I'm sitting at the library right now, using their internet. I wake up every morning surprised to be alone and back in Burlington. The city is so expensive and now, so dangerous at night. I feel like I'm being punished for everything I've ever done wrong in my life.
The temperatures are dropping. I don't know what will happen next. I've been here for such a long time. I've put my heart and soul into these forums and I'm so proud to have been a part of it. I worry that I'm heading for even harder times. I don't want to disappear without a trace or leave anyone hanging. I just feel so alone. I would do anything to feel warmth and love again. I just need to make it out of here, but I feel I'm about to be swallowed up. I feel like I've run out of tricks. Every day, harder to dig yourself out. I love all you guys and hope you have a good Thanksgiving. I do not have many to talk to. A little bit of love could be enough to keep me hanging on right now, because I'm just barely doing it.
Vermont. My rent for a 1br was 1400. Multiply that by 3 to move in. I am panicking. Is this my fault? What exactly did I do wrong? Is there a reason to not get fucked up? So sad. So fucking sad. Not using, but still essentially a fuck up by the standards of my society. Too dumb, lazy or addicted to actually make it.
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin
I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So, why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So, why don't we go?
So, why don't we go?
Ooh, oh-oh
Ah, oh
This could be the end of everything
So, why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin
I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So, why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So, why don't we go?
So, why don't we go?
Ooh, oh-oh
Ah, oh
This could be the end of everything
So, why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
I have 12 years of sobriety, so I'm out of touch with today's drug market. Like everything else today, I'm sure the prices are insane. One thing I've noticed in the US, is the trend to NOT prescribe anything for severe pain. I know this because there have been several times I've had to visit the doctor for pain so bad, it felt as if a blowtorch were being run along the nerves of my back and legs. The doctor did offer a referral to a pain control center. My problem was I couldn't walk because the pain was so severe. I needed help that day, not several weeks from that day. I sent a text to my Reiki healer asking for a healing, which she gave. I've had to ask a few times and each time it worked. Therefore, I did not bother with the MRI or pain treatment center. I didn't ask for any narcotics, but I don't think it's right to withhold from people that really need it. Thankfully, I have become certified in becoming a Reiki healer myself. I have training in advanced Reiki III ART and I do my own treatments as well as practice on others, although I want a year of practice before charging anything. I'm still very new at this, but thankful I had the opportunity to get the training.
| Ryan so far has had some very good shit. It has to be. I think this is day #4 I'm going on staying awake, save for perhaps nodding out 10 min 2 or 3 times in a 4 day period? It's sad, I'm sad for Scott, how he just casually went off to jail and probably figuures I'm gonna flake on him just like all the rest, now that he ain't here to pass out the bag. As far as meth heads go, Scott and Ryan I believe are good people. Yeah, we meth heads always seem to have our shortcomings, that's for sure, but some of us are basically good at heart. It's already fucking Monday night. In 48 hours, the sheriff will be here to lock me out. Sigh. I've come to the conclusion that seeing as how I'm financially challenged, it might just be best to leave the heavy shit I can't move behind instead of even attempting to hassle with it. Ryan although looked quite sleep deprived today when he stopped by to drop of Dave's and my orders, said, "I'll help you out." That was cool of him. I honestly don't expect he'll remember, but come tomorrow, perhaps I'll make my final assessment as to if any of this heavy shit is actually going into storage or not. If I still had a job I was going to at least 3 times a week at present, I'd have been a bit more optimistic regarding the chances of how long it will be in actuality to GET another place. As usual, who the fuck knows. The life of a meth head is often times uncertain. Comes with the territory. Ryan had asked about Erik. "What's up? Thought you were going to marry him by next week or he was supposed to be out?" "Yup. Apparently his Denver gig got cancelled, which is probably just as well. Where would we both be living in my car or at my Mom's? Not hardly," I said. LOL. He doesn't seem too concerned about it and as usual all I can say is the life of a meth head is as transient at times as his emotions are volatile. Deep down, intuition suggested this marriage thing ain't gonna happen, or if in fact it does, it gonna be a long ass while down the road. Whatever works. Sometimes shit happens or doesn't happen for a reason. Maybe it's Homeboy of all homeboys' upstairs that perhaps it's best you remain single and legally unattached for now, TJ, as you know full well you need to get your shit together, and Erik face it, would serve as only another pleasant distraction for you right now. I seem to be quite fond of pleasant distractions. Big surprise. Right before Ryan arrived and I came to these realizations and most probable predictable outcomes of both the housing and marriage situation for me, an old tired voice inside me spoke up, "Your one true marriage, not people, but the one you turn to most often for comfort is the one that's gonna be there for you and see you through these hard times girl." I got a strange, odd, sense of security and comfort in this realization of my life. My chemical romance. It will be Mr. Prick that I run to for solace. And sure enough, my only husband I ever had and longest to last out of any love affairs I've ever had, as always Old Faithful had his arms outstretched for me. "It's alright babe. Remember I promised to take care of you in times of sickness and in health?" Although I've not done it on the outside, it's the cryin on the inside that did get done on the shoulder of Mr. Prick. Well at least there is at least that comfort. It seems reliably predictable and safe that it should turn out this way. Any marriage actually bound by the laws of the state I live, would only be more of the unknown because to date, that is one road I've never traveled, the road of legal matrimony and divorce. This must seem terribly pathetic an existence to any outsiders reading and indeed, had I been in their shoes right now, as opposed to my own, I'd in most probability agree. Not mind you, that is to say I'm happy about being ejected from one of the earth's most endearing possessions held dear to my heart, which is to say my home. Then again, life itself is only temporary. Tomorrow I will seek a bit of opiate solace, the last I'll probably get for a couple months or at least one month. May as well get it while I can. Cause then it's gonna be time to clean up all too soon again. I got diverted in trying to make money today, so ended up not going into work to turn in my keys. I figure hell may as well make the most of my time here as I can. After tonight and tomorrow night, I won't have a place to be able to make money out of. I had gone out at 7am this morning to work the street circuit and got a suit for a customer. Went back out 11am, stayed out for 2 hrs, but no dice. Very early in the morning or 9p-11p seem to be the times for money to be made. Makes sense. Early morning, men are mega horndogs and later in the evening the suits I attract are those putting in overtime, and also, we creatures of the flesh tend to take comfort out of the fact that nighttime tends to conceal or tone down the loudness or vulgarity of our sins. Lord knows I need to earn some serious bread, as much of it as I possibly can b4 my apartment is yanked away from me. In terms of work in call vs. outcall escort is a much better deal. It's on my own turf, I don't have to drive, and these aren't 3rd party clients as they are when you get an agency involved. There's more power in the direct approach because directness allows more awareness of the client and the situation, which in turn allows more control. Well gonna prepare me another fix guys. Might as well live it up while I can right? |
I've lived in So Cali my entire life. Let's be clear, I do NOT consent to this fucked up regime. The first time I saw that thing that passes for a man, I knew he was toxic poison. This was when he ran as a candidate for the Republican Party. Right away I knew this guy was bad news. People wake up! Let this jag off stick to reality TV, but no one would listen outside my mom. She saw through him too. My question to all the people that thought he was the greatest thing since disposable diapers, was WAKE UP! What makes you think a billionaire cares about you? No one would listen. I lost friendships over this jerk, never understanding what on earth could they see in this asshole? Now, we're in a dictator regime and many people act like they don't know it. He keeps taking more and more rights away. He sent women back to the Dark Ages by being responsible for allowing the states to ban abortion and birth control. Trump is NOT pro-life, by any means. The only life he cares about is himself. That said, my question is to the pro-lifers. How can you claim to be pro-life when you take away housing, food, and medical care while forcing poor women to live in abject poverty? That is not pro-life. That is pro-oppression, pro-poverty, and keeping women and poor people down. I vote, I donate money, I protest, I sign petitions. I'm not sure if America will get out of this alive. We are being turned into Nazi Germany all over again. I'm 61 years old and I say hell no. I don't know if I will win this fight but fight I will.
