Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

[Jabberwocky]

I'm so sorry you're going through all that. I don't believe you're fat or a bitch

thank you.

the none disordered part of my brain is pretty certain i'm neither fat nor a bitch.... but its increasingly losing out to the other part. i need to fight it instead of expecting it to just magically go away.

 

[Jabberwocky]

also to add to the wtf-ness that is my current life i've been having some nuts smack dreams recently. like most nights. they aren't the desperate trying to score/get a rig/make money that was usualy in early recovery. in these i'm back to full time using and enjoying it.

but i am pretty confident i won't do that. i have no desire to use heroin. its just weird given i've stopped thinking about drugs to a large extent cos i don't have space in my brain for them and an eating disorder at once.

 

[birdup]

Someone confronted me when I arrived at work today. He accused me of a bunch of nonsensical shit. When I tried to respond, he interrupted me. I remained calm, told him not to interrupt me, and explained why he was wrong. By the end of the day, he'd apologised to me and said thank you a number of times. I treated his malice with kindness. I didn't give him an excuse to mistreat me. It felt amazing. I think he actually likes me now.

I am loving the new me.

 

[Jabberwocky]

well done @birdup that is amazing!!! i love it when you're able to make people's behaviour look awful just by modelling good behaviour.

 

[harbivores]

ffs the past 2 days i purged my dinner. not the whole of it, but some. fml.

yesterday i was so cold all day i could barely work.

so fucking annoying having these symptoms and still being a fat bitch.

I have the same problem as you except instead of purging I will over exercise. It’s really bad. I end up weak and exhausted and unable to focus.

also to add to the wtf-ness that is my current life i've been having some nuts smack dreams recently. like most nights. they aren't the desperate trying to score/get a rig/make money that was usualy in early recovery. in these i'm back to full time using and enjoying it.

but i am pretty confident i won't do that. i have no desire to use heroin. its just weird given i've stopped thinking about drugs to a large extent cos i don't have space in my brain for them and an eating disorder at once.

Dreams are dumb. I try not to pay much attention to them other than acknowledge that it’s a sign that I’ve slept well. I recently had a few dreams where I would smoke cigarettes. I haven’t smoked in years.

 

[yubacity]

also to add to the wtf-ness that is my current life i've been having some nuts smack dreams recently. like most nights. they aren't the desperate trying to score/get a rig/make money that was usualy in early recovery. in these i'm back to full time using and enjoying it.

but i am pretty confident i won't do that. i have no desire to use heroin. its just weird given i've stopped thinking about drugs to a large extent cos i don't have space in my brain for them and an eating disorder at once.

Dreams don't mean anything mate I still dream I'm having sex with the girl I lost my virginity to and that was the worse day of my sex life

 

[Jabberwocky]

I have the same problem as you except instead of purging I will over exercise. It’s really bad. I end up weak and exhausted and unable to focus.

Sorry you have to do this bullshit too. I used to over exercise to purge even if I was generally on very low restriction, too little for it to be worth trying to get back up. It takes so much time and makes it so easy to injure yourself. I hope you find a way out if it.

 

[yubacity]

Sorry you have to do this bullshit too. I used to over exercise to purge even if I was generally on very low restriction, too little for it to be worth trying to get back up. It takes so much time and makes it so easy to injure yourself. I hope you find a way out if it.

Chinup how often do you purge its so fucking bad for the nutrients you lose the damage to the throat I got aspiration pneumonia from it . It is like you are breathing through a wet sponge and the back of my teeth lost all the calcium cost shit loads to fix. I started by eating a little throughout the day but i never liked a full stomach depends why you do it

 

[Jabberwocky]

Chinup how often do you purge its so fucking bad for the nutrients you lose the damage to the throat I got aspiration pneumonia from it . It is like you are breathing through a wet sponge and the back of my teeth lost all the calcium cost shit loads to fix. I started by eating a little throughout the day but i never liked a full stomach depends why you do it

thanks. i have generally been purging max twice a day. yesterday i didn't do it at all, was super busy and had smaller amounts so they'd be easier to keep down. i know i need nutrition to work so breakfast isn't an issue, and lunch is usually OK if i don't overdo it.

i know its so bad for my health.... my bigger concern is that, given i'll be moving into my house in a few weeks, it will impact my chances of conceiving/carrying a baby healthily to term.

i feel like this has come out of nowhere. but it probably hasn't. am doing it cos i got fed up of not losing any weight so started restricting intake more and now larger amounts of food feel very uncomfortable, though i know that psychological cos when i was up the mountain i ate loads and didn't even consider purging (communal squat toilets aren't ideal anyway). i'll try to unpick it with my therapist on monday.

why aren't you in rehab yet?!?!? please please please. i promise you, the shit you've been through is awful, but its par for the course that addicts have been through awful shit and it in no way precludes the possibility of recovery.

 

[yubacity]

thanks. i have generally been purging max twice a day. yesterday i didn't do it at all, was super busy and had smaller amounts so they'd be easier to keep down. i know i need nutrition to work so breakfast isn't an issue, and lunch is usually OK if i don't overdo it.

i know its so bad for my health.... my bigger concern is that, given i'll be moving into my house in a few weeks, it will impact my chances of conceiving/carrying a baby healthily to term.

i feel like this has come out of nowhere. but it probably hasn't. am doing it cos i got fed up of not losing any weight so started restricting intake more and now larger amounts of food feel very uncomfortable, though i know that psychological cos when i was up the mountain i ate loads and didn't even consider purging (communal squat toilets aren't ideal anyway). i'll try to unpick it with my therapist on monday.

why aren't you in rehab yet?!?!? please please please. i promise you, the shit you've been through is awful, but its par for the course that addicts have been through awful shit and it in no way precludes the possibility of recovery.

Chin up mate I had the same I hated a full stomach so much I would puke up in the restaurant. Eat smaller meals that's how i stopped purging if you want to lose weight cut out the carbs late in the day around 3 pm it is hard but it does work . You know the impact it will have on your chances of a baby use that as an incentive to stop before it gets worse .

I have stopped using crack and plan to stop using brown by Sunday and use pregabs to stop im more worried about pregabalin it is a horrible withdrawal but will use a medicated detox for that . I tried zoom meetings had a good feeling talking to other ex-addicts like me have good phone calls with one who is a year and a half clean a little worried about having to live with others in the cottages but this has to stop .

 

[n3ophy7e]

I want to go sober for the whole year of 2022.
But way too depressing.

You can do it hun!! It can be depressing at times but sobriety also has a LOT of really beautiful and rewarding moments too! It's an opportunity for you to find new ways to enrich your life and make it fun and happy, but without substances.

 

[n3ophy7e]

But my pain

I know, the pain will always be there in some ways. You can find other ways to cope with it and to soothe your pain

 

[dragonix]

But my pain

But what about my pain? Lol I can see how my choice of habits directly increases or decreases it yet i keep choosing behaviors that cause me real agony in mind and body now the question is how to escape the vicious cycle & downward spiral.

 

[Blankenstein]

2 weeks without alcohol and i intend on keeping it up. Just finished my week off work and I used a lot of prescription opiates and benzos.

been super stressed with my dads health and what we are Going to do with him. Also my dog has potentisl
Cancer that needs removal. So scared. Freaking out.

 

[dragonix]

I am at my wits end with getting away from substances part of me just wants to keep going but I cannot stand the side effects impacting everything so need to stop it all due to the nature of my polybeast problem to call it accurately enough a real fiendish disorder of the mind but so very lamentable and pitiful at the same time not like a physically violent fiend at least?

Just emailed myself to get a ninety day guided recovery journal written by a doctor for alcoholism if I can get that under control everything else would fall into place but everything substance wise makes me want to drink now including when I take psychedelics at home without a guide nor real intention for the experience other than an interesting time altering which seems to dull my reality I am disrespecting them however I don't seem capable of forming a beneficial alliance doing them this way now a couple shaman led experiences in faraway places I am not writing off my list I was tempted to order more RCs but I know I will just abuse them until they are gone if they get in my possession doesn't matter what it is even if it says nonhabit forming my brain and mind work like a teenager's right now never finished developing right as I was on pot and drugs nearly my entire teenage years starting pot from like 13 expanding to every drug class the latter half of those years and didn't put the brakes on the use until starting later half of 18 I believe think I turned 19 in a therapeutic living community or around when I went after inpatient I entered at 18 I believe if memory serves exact enough I am rambling again I like expressing my ideas in words though speaking of which the journal looks great gotta start somewhere better than I have been AA meeting here tonight at six if i manage not to drink before then lol bad times but trying poorly better than going off the rails on the bright side perhaps

 

[Jabberwocky]

@Blankenstein i'm so sorry to hear about your dog. i really hope its fixable. well done on keeping off booze for 2 weeks. not so good re the benzos and opiates.

@dragonix good luck. it does sound like you need to lay off all substances. did you make it to the meeting?

managed not to purge yesterday. keeping busy and eating smaller portions helps.

have got insanely drunk the past 2 nights. not good.

 

[Jabberwocky]

had a great session with my therapist. though felt somewhat invalidated, the diseased part of my brain seeks out invalidation.

was really not going to purge dinner, i'd prepared it which is a good start.... and then we'd finished the food i'd prepared and i was feeling super positive about keeping it down. and my mum suggested getting ice cream. and she'd get worried if i said no to ice cream. so i ate it and purged.

really need to stop this right now. if i leave it til when i move out, and can thus control my own diet better, it might be too late. its only a couple of weeks ago but my therapist agreed it had gotten out of hand pretty quick so i can't count on being able to magically stop by the time i get to my own place.

 

[birdup]

The closer I get to recovery, the more horrible my past seems. If I dwell forever in the abyss, I don't have to face the things I've done. Being successful is evidence that my failures were not inevitable... Having said all that, it's a small price to pay (relatively).

Sobriety isn't easy, but neither is addiction.

 

[dragonix]

Screw rehab and a program that shames people to death sideways ya talking about the twelve step programs five to ten percent success rate you in the mood to gamble with your life?

I want to live well and recover despite not wanting part in their systemic "$0lutions" nor programs.

So hi again hope you finish the year strong or alive at least if weak lol.

If there were a gun here I might pull the trigger but at my leg now not cranium feeling a little better still hate having this shit crap hourly wage slave grind to boogie to now no vapes wanted to quit for a few reasons in mind body relations and wallet so threw down the sewers again knowing this morning would be rough but no idea homicidal and suicidal ideation brutal!

 

[dragonix]

@Blankenstein i'm so sorry to hear about your dog. i really hope its fixable. well done on keeping off booze for 2 weeks. not so good re the benzos and opiates.

@dragonix good luck. it does sound like you need to lay off all substances. did you make it to the meeting?

managed not to purge yesterday. keeping busy and eating smaller portions helps.

have got insanely drunk the past 2 nights. not good.

No I didn't thanks for responding I often won't even check if I miss answering it's not you it's me.

Ya i do about to relapse on a 200mg joint lukcy I didn't have the nerve to run off the job today rage beyond rage inside me but they must think I like being their employee erm dumbie slave enough about me let me acknowledge what others are facing now good luck all Knock on wood or chop some for winter if you have a place to burn it what a healthy stress relieving exercise