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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

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i've had a decent sized dinner now so as long as i don't throw that up drinking is pretty much pointless for me now. going to the meeting in a min.
 
chinup said:
i've had a decent sized dinner now so as long as i don't throw that up drinking is pretty much pointless for me now. going to the meeting in a min.
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Stay strong and focused honey. Get to that meeting <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
Stay strong and focused honey. Get to that meeting <3
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I did it, it was great actually though two people were coughing and there was no ventilation so that was stressful.

And I did know people! As I was walking in a guy whose seen me nodding out in my chair when I was going before rehab shouted 'alright posh girl ' and my social anxiety melted. I'm not actually that posh but my firmly middle class upbringing makes me posh by na standards.

Now I've done one I hope I'll be less anxious, though I hope the other in person one's have less people and better ventilation.
 
So I never managed to kick the nic lol... caved that night, thanks adderall (and a lack of self control lol )

Today I was in a terrible headspace.
Im not sleeping well and its taking its toll. Im either up too late and getting 6 hrs or falling asleep early and getting 6 hrs and waking up at 4am. Come 11 Im pooched and miserable. Today was one of those days. It was all I had to not cancel my second client but with work picking up there was no way I could move them to next week... so I trudged through.

Came home all bummy and just took some space.
Feeling better now.

Still smoking but Ive got >3 weeks without booze. So thats a win
 
chinup said:
I did it, it was great actually though two people were coughing and there was no ventilation so that was stressful.

And I did know people! As I was walking in a guy whose seen me nodding out in my chair when I was going before rehab shouted 'alright posh girl ' and my social anxiety melted. I'm not actually that posh but my firmly middle class upbringing makes me posh by na standards.

Now I've done one I hope I'll be less anxious, though I hope the other in person one's have less people and better ventilation.
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That's awesome, well done lovely!! I'm proud of you <3
 
Day 3 of no weed this week.

Even though I smoked heavily last night, I was sharp and clear at work.

The fog has lifted.

I don't need to quit. I just need to moderate.

How am I learning this now, after 20 years?

Better late than never, I guess...
 
chinup said:
i get thinking it was easier when you were a junkie, cos in a way it was for me.
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You're a beacon of light around here.
You have helped me a great deal.
I appreciate you. I really do.

It was easier - I think - when I was a junkie because every little step was a milestone. Now, minor progress means nothing to people in my life. I don't get congratulated for not being fucked up. The expectation is that I'm a normal stable member of society.

Does it just get harder and harder?

I'm trying to be sober permanently.

When I was a junkie, I tried to get through one day.

One day is fucking easy, in retrospect. You're right.

Thank you.

<3
 
Worst part of this latest nicotine withdrawal was over last night was the violent temper tantrums like scary thinking and anger outbursts yelling like a madman all over except at work actually cravings didn't get to me really

@AutoTripper Becoming immune to physical condition like this immigrant skater I knew in the projects crashed his bike into a mailbox riding down the street and got a booboo on his face but got up and laughed and began riding also heard a story of two guys from a town next to here back in high school liked to go around and look for street fights on acid

Work will keep me from wanting to drink today Saturday high risk for me AA meeting tonight if I thought a blotter would make me not want booze they do now just debugged a craving to get 1V-L.

Merry Weekend

 
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birdup said:
You're a beacon of light around here.
You have helped me a great deal.
I appreciate you. I really do.
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thank you so much. that really means a lot. i'm so glad to be able to help, through a keyboard on the other side of the world.

you guys all help me immensely too. just to not feel alone. and the people who come in here regularly we can see their ups and downs, and i certainly get invested.
birdup said:
It was easier - I think - when I was a junkie because every little step was a milestone. Now, minor progress means nothing to people in my life. I don't get congratulated for not being fucked up. The expectation is that I'm a normal stable member of society.
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yes that's also very true. like now for me nobody but me and my therapist perceives my drinking to be a problem, because it isn't really outwardly affecting my life. so that encouragement isn't there. its part of why i'm going back to NA big time, because their militant complete abstinence means they will view it as a problem, and congratulate me for every day sober. it sucks that i need that encouragement and appreciation of my efforts, i know it should be internal. but it is what it is.

birdup said:
Does it just get harder and harder?
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no! it will get easier.

i truly believe that the easiest my life has ever been was when i was doing complete abstinence and had got used to it. then my boss being a cunt started getting to me, and walking past people scoring on my way to and from work every day made it impossible not to think about scoring.

@AutoTripper there's a lot to unpack in your posts and i can't touch on all of it but it really sounds to me like your LSD use will be contributing to your physical and mental health problems. remember your digestive system has lots of serotonin receptors so doing it regularly will mess with it. i've messed up my digestive system for different reasons, but also have chronic problems as a result so i know the pain and frustration.

low moods do pass. they feel intolerable at the time. i've felt suicidal many many times because i thought there was no hope, but i always make myself wait a week and if i've not felt one iota better at the end of the week, i promise myself i can do myself in. after a couple of days i'll catch myself smiling or laughing and suddenly feel like shit that it means i'm not allowed to kill myself, but eventually when the blackness has lifted more i'll be glad that i recognised the transience of the feeling enough to not let myself act on it immediately. i know you didn't mention feeling suicidal but i think the same mechanism for creating hope might work for you, i.e. it seems you think there is no way to feel better, so promise to reflect on it in a week. i bet that within the next week you will have had at least one fleeting moment of relief. hopefully more.

and please see a doctor. and try to eat. honestly not eating destroys your mood, take it from a chronically eating disordered person. f you don't eat for too long you will put yourself at risk of refeeding syndrome which can be deadly. at least take in drinks with electrolytes (even rehydration salts will help) and sugar. or try those meal replacement shakes. please. starvation fucks with your brain so much, you don't want that on top of everything else.
 
Oh fucking Glory Day!

I woke up at 3.30 in the morning with extremely mad acid reflux and my prescription has run out. Not possible to go back to sleep and my lockbox is set for 7AM. So I've been sitting here in bed with my throat burning waiting for the clock to tick down.

I'm going insane here. Was just about to go for a walk then I found a bowl of already chopped up weed!

Hooray!

I'm going to bake myself like a potato.
 
eat a meal. you need nutrtion. i don't understandhow you've lived 16 years like this given an average human will die of starvation within months if deprived of all food.you must be taking nutrition. i was medically very unstable within 6 months of very low restriction so i'm having trouble understanding how you're even alive right now.

i'm knackered so going to bed.

but i don't understand how this is even a choice. life giving nourishment vs a fundamtentally inconsequential (in terms of health) drug.

i'm off to bed. night all.
 
chinup said:
i've had a decent sized dinner now so as long as i don't throw that up drinking is pretty much pointless for me now. going to the meeting in a min.
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I feel that. When I’m drinking I won’t eat dinner so I can get drunker quicker. It’s super unhealthy. I imagine even more so for you considering you relationship with food?
 
I am drunk but going to an AA meeting tonight after getting very stoned will have some coffee try wash the ethanol out and regain some lost perspective try to keep my mouth shut during the meeting watch out pretty women

Crap I might as well go bar hopping if I wanna pick up someone. Don't even have a car what am I thinking oh gosh addict mode.

I know just the place. No flirting allowed. Smoking meeting time to face these zealots again tonight looks like an old two floor saloon but they only serve water and engaging conversation
 
Blankenstein said:
I feel that. When I’m drinking I won’t eat dinner so I can get drunker quicker. It’s super unhealthy. I imagine even more so for you considering you relationship with food?
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yep it just gives me a stronger motivation not to eat and/or purge

i have an appointment today where i might get some life changingly bad news regarding my health. on something completely unrelated to all the investigation about wtf is wrong with my lungs (pretty sure that its due to smoking so much crack/smack but they need to know precisely whats up so i can get treatment).

so feeling pretty black and if anyone posts in the next couple of days and i don't respond its not cos i don't care its because everything is black and i have nothing but bleakness to offer.
 
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