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This thread was borne out of disagreement but came into existence for good reason.
As a survivor of parental child sexual abuse, a huge part of my healing was when I was able to finally disclose my full story to chosen friends, and treating professionals. Not to discuss it in detail, but just to be heard. To be validating. To be told, in my case, that I was not disgusting or defective and I was still loved.
It lifted the crushing shame I felt every day.
So why not have a thread for survivors who wish to share with people they feel less connected with, maybe, their stories. A way to break the stigma and have tangible support.
I'll start.
I don't recall the events which took place at the age of 7. I know prior to that, nothing was amiss. I recall at the age of 8 I was playing by myself, and pretending someone was raping me. I got caught at school using sexual gestures. I have nightmares constantly about a l much older man holding me down and forcing me to do what he wants. Contextually, this is only likely to be one person.
At 12 my father made me give him a hand job because 'he loved me' and was just 'showing me how'. This would become his standard excuse.
At 13 the intrusive sexual thoughts began which have plagued me since then. I refused to interact with other children as I feared the evil that infected me would transfer to them.
When I reached puberty (assigned female at birth, no the abuse didn't make me trans - I was abused *because* I was trans in fact) the abuse escalated dramatically. Endless comments about my body.
'your tits would be better on your mum, that way I could play with them'
'stand up straight and let everyone see what you've been given, show your tits off'
'let people admire your body'
All this while he constantly grabbed my ass against my wishes, saying 'im allowed to, I am your dad'
I do not recall a period of my life between being 13-27 which was not defined by his sexual harrassment. I managed to repress it until December 2016.
I'd moved out because my brother got kicked out and I felt unsafe living there without him. I chose homelessness over living with my dad. My psychologist commented oven upon my change in demeanour when he was mentioned.
At Christmas that year I walked past him and he slapped my ass. In front of EVERYONE. I span round, and yelled 'Do not EVER fucking do that again, do you understand?!'
'im your dad, I'm just showing you I love you'
I looked around at anyone for support. None came. They all sat there stunned. Thing is, this had happened so often and was so normalised it wasn't a big event for anyone.
I left soon after and was practically vibrating on the drive home, realising that he in fact used to do things like that to me constantly, and everything suddenly came flooding back. The comments, the barging into my room and staring at me naked, the leering, the jokes about my body, the obessesion with having me present as feminine when I was clearly a masculine child. Like I remembered it all. And I remembered the dual feeling of agony from the horrible pain of being misgendered through the abuse. Like it was twice over. I can't actually describe how that traumatised me. As an adult I was raped twice by gay men and I actually told my Psychologist I felt inclined to thank them for not invalidating my identity when they violently sexually assaulted me.
The sexual assaults in that regard contained between 22-27.
On my birthday last year he spilled a glass of water. Some small amount went on my relatively thick pants. He immediately grabbed a napkin and began aggressively patting my crotch dry before I could stop him, and after sitting stunned for a moment I pushed his arm away and said 'i can do that myself' which caused him to sit there with a frown. All this in front of my brother and mother. He then kept caressing my arm throughout the night.
He didn't have my legal name saved in his phone for 9 fucking years. 9 fucking years. And when I pointed it out after seeing it accidentally, I didn't even get an apology. Just 'haha I forgot' fucking unreal. He routinely misgenders me to hurt me, and makes jokes about me being trans.
After 5 years, I have finally convinced my brother of the truth of the abuse I experienced. Initially he was like 'dont tell Dad it'll upset him' when I mentioned my file from child protection. Now? Now he wants to confront him about how much he has damaged my life completely. But he leaves it up to me to decide. I've asked him not to, for now. I'm no contact currently.
My mother wants us to do counselling together. I would only ever agree if my brother was present. I'm still not in a rush. My mother, bless her, seems not to understand that the emergence of the truth of the situation will result in her choosing between her son and her husband of 35 years. And that's probably a hard choice. And it is a choice, since I've promised myself if she doesn't believe me (and I will use my child protection file, and admit to my 7 year IV addiction they know nothing about plus access my therapy reports when I accuse him) I will go no contact with her too.
'woah hold up Eli say that again? Did you really just say that?'
'yeah, I mean it's not so bad really'
'okay, we have really got a lot of work to do on how much being trans further traumatised you because of the sexual nature of the abuse'
And so we are going down that rabbit hole.
I didn't tell anyone anything at all until 2017 when I wrote a letter discussing the barest of details with a friend who had guessed very soon upon meeting me that I'd been sexually abused by my dad. He made a point to always tell me that he would be there to listen when I was ready to share. And I'd share things over time, as I did with other friends. Often tested the waters by offering some relatively benign aspect of the abuse then judging their response.
I decided to make a full disclosure in January 2020 when my brain was short circuiting and going 'your friends all think you're disgusting' to which I'd say 'no they don't they know about the abuse' and then brain go 'not all of it. If they knew all of it, they would.'
So I asked a hand picked group, plus my treating team, if they would be willing to listen. I made it clear that they could decline if they so wanted to, and that I didn't want a therapy session after. I just wanted to say my piece, then hear the words they would say.
One friend said I was the bravest person he had ever met in his entire life, and said that my childhood home should have been burnt to the ground due to what happened there but instead I took the blowtorch to myself. He asked me if there was anything I needed to hear and I just said 'so you don't think I'm disgusting' while barely holding back tears and he said 'no mate I don't. Not ever. I think that he is, and I think it's fucking disgusting that his actions have caused you to think you are.'
Another friend said 'what you just told me is incomprehensibly. I'm actually sickened. I genuinely feel bad for all the times I went off at you for doing drugs because I actually understand why you do it now. I didn't think it would be that bad. I can't understand it. I get why you can't trust anyone.'
A third friend said 'This is in line with everything you've ever said about your dad and checks out with the rest of your experiences. I know it doesn't mean much, but I want you to know that I think you're incredibly brave for being open about this with me. I wish I could do more to help.'
Hearing those things from friends gave me strength I didn't know I still had.
I want others who have not yet been able to disclose to in real life people to hear validation from people here. So I'm putting a call out - if you are a survivor, and you want to have your story heard and be validated, post as much or little as you'd like.
Others, please offer your validation to survivors.
Please, at moderators @Jerry Atrick @mal3volent I'd like to ask an eye is kept on this thread. Mal suggested it and I think it's a great idea, but I'm very wary of people being awful behind a keyboard. Id like to just have you keeping an eye out.
As a survivor of parental child sexual abuse, a huge part of my healing was when I was able to finally disclose my full story to chosen friends, and treating professionals. Not to discuss it in detail, but just to be heard. To be validating. To be told, in my case, that I was not disgusting or defective and I was still loved.
It lifted the crushing shame I felt every day.
So why not have a thread for survivors who wish to share with people they feel less connected with, maybe, their stories. A way to break the stigma and have tangible support.
I'll start.
I don't recall the events which took place at the age of 7. I know prior to that, nothing was amiss. I recall at the age of 8 I was playing by myself, and pretending someone was raping me. I got caught at school using sexual gestures. I have nightmares constantly about a l much older man holding me down and forcing me to do what he wants. Contextually, this is only likely to be one person.
At 12 my father made me give him a hand job because 'he loved me' and was just 'showing me how'. This would become his standard excuse.
At 13 the intrusive sexual thoughts began which have plagued me since then. I refused to interact with other children as I feared the evil that infected me would transfer to them.
When I reached puberty (assigned female at birth, no the abuse didn't make me trans - I was abused *because* I was trans in fact) the abuse escalated dramatically. Endless comments about my body.
'your tits would be better on your mum, that way I could play with them'
'stand up straight and let everyone see what you've been given, show your tits off'
'let people admire your body'
All this while he constantly grabbed my ass against my wishes, saying 'im allowed to, I am your dad'
I do not recall a period of my life between being 13-27 which was not defined by his sexual harrassment. I managed to repress it until December 2016.
I'd moved out because my brother got kicked out and I felt unsafe living there without him. I chose homelessness over living with my dad. My psychologist commented oven upon my change in demeanour when he was mentioned.
At Christmas that year I walked past him and he slapped my ass. In front of EVERYONE. I span round, and yelled 'Do not EVER fucking do that again, do you understand?!'
'im your dad, I'm just showing you I love you'
I looked around at anyone for support. None came. They all sat there stunned. Thing is, this had happened so often and was so normalised it wasn't a big event for anyone.
I left soon after and was practically vibrating on the drive home, realising that he in fact used to do things like that to me constantly, and everything suddenly came flooding back. The comments, the barging into my room and staring at me naked, the leering, the jokes about my body, the obessesion with having me present as feminine when I was clearly a masculine child. Like I remembered it all. And I remembered the dual feeling of agony from the horrible pain of being misgendered through the abuse. Like it was twice over. I can't actually describe how that traumatised me. As an adult I was raped twice by gay men and I actually told my Psychologist I felt inclined to thank them for not invalidating my identity when they violently sexually assaulted me.
The sexual assaults in that regard contained between 22-27.
On my birthday last year he spilled a glass of water. Some small amount went on my relatively thick pants. He immediately grabbed a napkin and began aggressively patting my crotch dry before I could stop him, and after sitting stunned for a moment I pushed his arm away and said 'i can do that myself' which caused him to sit there with a frown. All this in front of my brother and mother. He then kept caressing my arm throughout the night.
He didn't have my legal name saved in his phone for 9 fucking years. 9 fucking years. And when I pointed it out after seeing it accidentally, I didn't even get an apology. Just 'haha I forgot' fucking unreal. He routinely misgenders me to hurt me, and makes jokes about me being trans.
After 5 years, I have finally convinced my brother of the truth of the abuse I experienced. Initially he was like 'dont tell Dad it'll upset him' when I mentioned my file from child protection. Now? Now he wants to confront him about how much he has damaged my life completely. But he leaves it up to me to decide. I've asked him not to, for now. I'm no contact currently.
My mother wants us to do counselling together. I would only ever agree if my brother was present. I'm still not in a rush. My mother, bless her, seems not to understand that the emergence of the truth of the situation will result in her choosing between her son and her husband of 35 years. And that's probably a hard choice. And it is a choice, since I've promised myself if she doesn't believe me (and I will use my child protection file, and admit to my 7 year IV addiction they know nothing about plus access my therapy reports when I accuse him) I will go no contact with her too.
'woah hold up Eli say that again? Did you really just say that?'
'yeah, I mean it's not so bad really'
'okay, we have really got a lot of work to do on how much being trans further traumatised you because of the sexual nature of the abuse'
And so we are going down that rabbit hole.
I didn't tell anyone anything at all until 2017 when I wrote a letter discussing the barest of details with a friend who had guessed very soon upon meeting me that I'd been sexually abused by my dad. He made a point to always tell me that he would be there to listen when I was ready to share. And I'd share things over time, as I did with other friends. Often tested the waters by offering some relatively benign aspect of the abuse then judging their response.
I decided to make a full disclosure in January 2020 when my brain was short circuiting and going 'your friends all think you're disgusting' to which I'd say 'no they don't they know about the abuse' and then brain go 'not all of it. If they knew all of it, they would.'
So I asked a hand picked group, plus my treating team, if they would be willing to listen. I made it clear that they could decline if they so wanted to, and that I didn't want a therapy session after. I just wanted to say my piece, then hear the words they would say.
One friend said I was the bravest person he had ever met in his entire life, and said that my childhood home should have been burnt to the ground due to what happened there but instead I took the blowtorch to myself. He asked me if there was anything I needed to hear and I just said 'so you don't think I'm disgusting' while barely holding back tears and he said 'no mate I don't. Not ever. I think that he is, and I think it's fucking disgusting that his actions have caused you to think you are.'
Another friend said 'what you just told me is incomprehensibly. I'm actually sickened. I genuinely feel bad for all the times I went off at you for doing drugs because I actually understand why you do it now. I didn't think it would be that bad. I can't understand it. I get why you can't trust anyone.'
A third friend said 'This is in line with everything you've ever said about your dad and checks out with the rest of your experiences. I know it doesn't mean much, but I want you to know that I think you're incredibly brave for being open about this with me. I wish I could do more to help.'
Hearing those things from friends gave me strength I didn't know I still had.
I want others who have not yet been able to disclose to in real life people to hear validation from people here. So I'm putting a call out - if you are a survivor, and you want to have your story heard and be validated, post as much or little as you'd like.
Others, please offer your validation to survivors.
Please, at moderators @Jerry Atrick @mal3volent I'd like to ask an eye is kept on this thread. Mal suggested it and I think it's a great idea, but I'm very wary of people being awful behind a keyboard. Id like to just have you keeping an eye out.
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