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Recovery addicted to dxm

lazydullard

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I didn't take offense at anyone's post nomasfent. i found it all supportive. thanks for the support, everyone.

tomorrow i'll read this before heading out to school to remind myself not to slip up and go stealing again across the street.
 

lazydullard

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Dec 25, 2007
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I had a slip up which caused a good conversation with my mother and I'm strong in my recovery again. I am resisting shoplifting, resisted stealing cough syrup today while visiting the pharmacy for my psychiatric medicine. I'm 21 days sober from everything but caffeine.

I'm devoted to being a good person now. I won't slip back into crazed evil again. I won't steal anymore. I'm a good person.
 

lazydullard

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Dec 25, 2007
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This is a journal. I don't have the greatest need for support. I'm not withdrawing, but until I learn to converse with other people I write my thoughts and days here.

I'm fairly certain I can resist doing drugs now. The method is that I have to be homeless if I don't. That's good enough for me. That's where I'm at. Whether I was truly addicted or just being spoiled is debatable.

I'm attending substance abuse groups on Fridays. This is the second state in which I'm attending a substance abuse program. It'll be interesting to see the differences, if any, of the source material. I'm on court ordered treatment for mental health issues, not for drug abuse issues, but I don't have trouble taking care of myself if I'm off the drugs. I'm on psychiatric medicines, effexor, olanzapine, and haldol. I want the effexor. I always had issue with depression.

I speak to people in my mind but it's not a sign of mental illness. I'm experiencing a miraculous condition in that I'm in contact with another dimension telepathically. Anyway, it's not an issue because it doesn't cause problems as long as I haven't been doing drugs. When I've been taking the drugs a lot, I become convinced that I have to make a miracle happen by engaging in dangerous behavior. Sober, I realize that this contact with another dimension may as well be delusion. And being on par with delusion, it's not paramount that I interact deeply with this other dimension.

The last few days all I've been doing is interacting with the other dimension. I've been waiting for the last moment to do my schoolwork for college. I don't know if that's because of laziness or depression. I have influence, control, and power in the other dimension. It's the safest and most fun place for me to be. In that sense, it's like a delusion. Like I'm making up a separate narrative that forgives my circumstances and paints me in a positive light.

Anyway, this is a recovery journal. It was during heavy cough syrup abuse that I first contacted the other world. None-the-less, I still believe it's real. But it's not a mental health issue because I have brought it up in therapy sessions and they just suggest ways to focus on this world and my mundane existence here. I can do that well enough to be passing my courses in community college, so it must not be a mental health issue. Just an idiosyncrasy.

I hope to find an anti-depressant that works for me. I've had amiltryptaline and paxil before, and wellbutrin. the amiltryptaline helped. Maybe the effexor i'm on now will help too.

thanks for reading or not, this is a good writing prompt for me. i always become a little more self-aware after writing one of these.
 

Jabberwocky

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It's awesome to see you keeping up with this lazydullard. Few people have the courage to speak up about their DXM use. It sounds like you have a lot of good things motivating you right now, and it is great to hear you are getting mental health treatment.

In any case, I just wanted to say I always enjoy reading your posts. Even if people aren't always responding, know you are providing an important service to your fellow drug users. Things like this journal make a big difference in helping to remind folks that they are not alone in their struggles.

And what is it Hunter said, "Too weird to live, too rare to die!"? DXM aficionados are weird, rare gems indeed. I should know ;)
 

lazydullard

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Thanks for reading, toothpastedog. You're one of the best posters on this forum.

I went to the store 3 times in the past week and didn't steal nor buy any DXM. But I'm drinking like 6 cups of coffee a day, but that habit is not as destructive as my DXM addiction.

Today I find myself reminiscing about methamphetamine. I don't have any connects where i live now, since i recently moved back in with parents who were in a different state than I was. I feel confident I can resist looking for connects.

Plus, the criminal drug penalties are too great here in Arizona.

I find myself thinking that I shouldn't have been so generous in sharing my meth. But it's been 13 months without methamphetamine.

I've been addicted to, in order, dxm, cocaine, dxm, weed, tramadol, meth, mdpv, dxm spice, dxm. DXM has always been my "home drug" but then it started ruining my life and my relationships.
 
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Jabberwocky

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Believe it or not, methamp use will probably become neurotoxic for someone who has been somewhat recently using DXM regularly very, very quickly. Please be careful if you go that route. I'd so much rather you get on kratom or something. Ditch the methamp and caffeine for a kratom buzz. I think you'd prefer it :)
 

Jabberwocky

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Please don't encourage someone to use methamp after having been using DXM.

DXM is an NMDAr antagonist and can help delay tolerance from building up. With regularly use it seems to desensitize you to the effects of most other drugs as well, both in terms of their potential for positive and negative effects. Neurotoxicity is not the answer to the OP's problems.
 

lazydullard

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Nah, I don't plan on doing methamphetamine. I was just remembering. It's a bad habit, though. I shouldn't think about those days at all.
 

Jabberwocky

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It's okay to think about them, and if you were to use it wouldn't be the end of the world. It is just a significant risk at this point, that was all I was trying to say.
 

lazydullard

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You're right, it is a signifigant risk right now.

I'm hoping that the cravings will be less if I can get less depressed. I'm going to ask my doctor to increase my antidepressant dosage.

I hope you're doing well, toothpastedog. I appreciate your input.
 

lazydullard

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On high doses of DXM, I've experienced psychosis. I would see people that aren't there, but they would look completely real except that they moved so fast that they walk off into the horizon and disappear. Sometimes I would black out.

On really high doses of DXM, if I didn't see people, I'd get these awful feelings in my head like I had to move my body in a certain way or else something bad would happen. I would sit on the pavement and raise my arms over my head, sometimes with the fists clenched together, sometimes without, and it came to my head that God was making me do these things. So I got it in my head that it was a form of prayer, and one of my favorite trips is to take so much DXM that the crazy head feelings happen and I end up clenching and twisting my body in strange ways as a form of prayer.

I've been taken to the hospital a few times when I was basically just unconscious from taking so much DXM. I had a breathing tube and catheter put in on more than one occasion. But now I can usually stay awake during the DXM, but my dad drives me to my clinic when I'm high and the clinic measures my blood pressure, and DXM causes high blood pressure, so they would take me to the ER where I would be given fluids and basically have to sit there a whole day before I got discharged.

My parents make it very hard for me to get high, and I love them for it. It wouldn't be odd if they just got rid of me instead, but they help me. Been a DXM addict for 10 years, spent the last two years trying to quit, but I kept changing my mind and getting high again. Now I'm at a point where the other me, the bad wolf, is the lesser voice rather than the greater voice, and I can be sober. I had 3 months sober before my last relapse, and now have nearly 4 weeks clean and sober.

No matter how pathetic your situation is, you have to own up to it and love yourself to do better. I'm where I'm at and its a good place for me to be.

The realization that I was part of a social continuum, a social organism, you will, helped me overcome my urge to do drugs. The realization that I did not exist in a vacuum and that my bad behaviors were harming my family and the community at large. It really sunk in to me the last time I went to the mental hospital. I hadn't been taking care of myself and stunk like piss when I checked in, and the other tenants there smelled it and were rightfully bothered. It was at that moment that I realized that, like it or not, I'm part of society, and I didn't like the part I was playing. The part of a crazed, smelly, addict. Now my role is that of a recovering addict, and college student, and though I'm not as euphoric as I was before the rational side of me is appreciative of smaller, simpler things like a good bed at night and efforts to improve myself.

When I was thieving and getting high, I would think things like, "I'm never getting a job. I'm not willing to pay taxes to a broken system." Now, I realize that while the 'system' might not be perfect its filled with well-meaning individuals (and not) who want a better world, and before, as an addict, I was directly harming their efforts. I seek to get a job and pay taxes again someday. The idea of a job fills me with dread, and that's why I'm going to college, to get a job that isn't all awful all the time. Sometimes I think to myself, I'm just going to college to delay getting a job, and I do worse at my schoolwork because of it. Or, I think, I'm just going for fun, which is also but not exclusively true.

I'm anxious about whether or not I'm smart enough to complete a program of study, and that's normal. That's healthy anxiety and I can live with it. It doesn't need to go away. It reminds me to work hard. I was so used to feeling no bad feelings while I was an addict that the normal stresses of life were uncope-able for me. I literally had no worries when I was a thieving dxm addict. I thought I had my life made. I lived like a sociopath for so long.

Today, it's enough for me to hold onto my responsibility as a citizen of the world not to make it worse than how I found it.

I have a craving for DXM and I consider that an ugly feeling now. It's the bad wolf, which I no longer feed.
 
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lazydullard

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Reading about the rational recovery system (AVRT) as opposed to the disease model of addiction. I can get behind the mindfulness of the rational recovery system.

For me, staying sober is a moral decision that I'm in control of.

But I wasn't doing heroin or benzos so perhaps its just a luxury that I get to have. I'm not quitting something that has a physical grasp over me. So I get to enjoy the luxury of having an easier addiction to deal with. That's fine by me.

I plan to never use an illegal drug again. I can say that with confidence. (I don't want to help the cartels)
I plan to never use DXM while living at my parents' house. (I don't cause drama for my family)
Now, most of the time, using DXM gets me out of control and I end up stealing again. So I might change this opinion to never using DXM again. I realize it's an addict's trap to convince onself that moderation is possible. With that recognition, I can take the necessary step to swear off DXM for the rest of this life. Now, that's still an addict's stance, and I realize its a great assumption to assume there's DXM in the afterlife, but I will never take DXM again during this lifetime. It leads me to doing it again, and again, until I'm forced to steal to use it. My sober mind sees that as unacceptable and unaccountable.
These promises basically mean I'm going to live a sober life for as far as I can see down the road.

I can do this, because my addiction was an easy one. No physical symptoms from quitting it, and I'm a month strong now, and have been sober 4/5 of the last months.

With rational recovery, you talk big, but the way you dissociate the pain of decisions against your addiction gives you an instant and durable tool for sobriety.


One thing about the AVRT model of quitting a substance is that it doesn't seem to acknowledge psychoses. I could never quit while in the midst of DXM psychosis. It took anti-psychotics, outside influences, and time to heal before I was ready to be responsible for my own addiction.
 
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Jabberwocky

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Where have you been reading about the rational recovery system lazydullard? Is it associated with SMART or something? I haven't hear of rational recovery.
 

lazydullard

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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/secular-connections/260412-avrt-explained-long.html

From this recovery website. I initially looked into it because it promised a secular alternative to AA/NA. But its a different system. There are success stories on that website about people stopping drinking, and that's basically the best resource I've found for it. It's not only an alternative to AA/NA system, but also differs from the disease model of addiction. Maybe I'm being over-enthusiastic about it, but I no longer believe the disease model of addiction. At least, not for me personally.

Essentially you make a major commitment to absolute sobriety, and any thought or behavior that differs from such a commitment you label as the "Addictive Voice" and you are not your addictive voice, and you are not the uncertain or painful feelings you get when you think of lifelong sobriety (which is also "addictive voice"), so you acknowledge those thoughts/feelings as coming from your addictive voice and not you, and it makes it much easier to grapple with those feelings. It's a sort of specific mindfulness that I'm finding very helpful.

I might just have it in me to be completely sober. But that statement has the addictive voice in it. I of course have it in me to be completely sober.

This is another thread that has information on it.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ition-technique-avrt-discussion-part-6-a.html
 

lazydullard

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true 'nuff. But I seemingly cannot balance my DXM use with a healthy life, so it's what I'm trying now. If I can't live sober at all, something deep is wrong. So I must see if I can live sober.

Some days, I'm desperate to have anything. The days I run out of coffee I sleep in super late, and try to nap during the day, even think about trying to take extra haldol or something stupid like that. I recently took benadryl just to feel different.

Getting high is getting in the way of my life for me. Not getting high gets me stuck in particular behaviors. It seems all I can do is read and post recovery type things. I can't concentrate on anything else. At least in my free time. I'm still successfully attending school.

Not getting high gets me stuck like getting high does. Support threads become my new obsession. I read my own or other people's.

I'm sure not getting high won't take up this much effort after a few more months sober. I can't imagine why I need to constantly be on something.

I'm not sober I'm just not getting high. How long does it take to get sober? I realize its an independent journey for each of us...
 
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Jabberwocky

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I look at recovery as about so much more than simply whether or not one is using drugs.

In the case of DXM, I agree, it is pretty difficult to use DXM (because it is hard to get a version of it you can use safely) regularly and move on in recovery. If you continue to use DXM I would only do so under the following conditions: You do not steal or have to lie or manipulate to get it. You only use the polisterix version, as it seems less toxic than the HBr (albeit less "euphoric"). Use as infrequently as possible (once a month is better than twice a week, twice a week is better than every other day, every other day is better than every day, etc).

I think a good question worth exploring is why you find DXM use do desirable to begin with. I mean, it isn't exactly the worlds most user friendly drug. I found it useful because it seemed to help a lot with my depression and allowed me to better extinguish harmful thought patterns/loops. However, its use is very limited for me other than that. Recognizing the limitations of the potential benefits while still being able to work with the benefits has been useful for me.

However, if you are doing well not using DXM, keep up the good work! But it sounds like you've been struggling. Do you have any other options in terms of pharmacotherapies you might consider trying?
 
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