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Binge drinking - lightheadedness

Well today sucked.
Coworkers kid is sick for the third day in a row ... I watched her yesterday, shes fine, its just a cold. But buddys such a hypochondriac. Her other kid had redness under his lips and shes freaking out cause it looks like a staph infection. Obviously it couldnt be chapped lips ..

So I get stuck working on my day off. Wouldnt be so bad if I actually got pd for it but instead im just covering for her, again.
To top it off someone cancelled tomorrow. So now Im out that. Good thing I wasnt counting on it for rent or anything .......
Christ I really need to renegotiate this contract.
...
So all I want to do is drink.
Thought perhaps I'd trip on some dxm but then I dismissed that idea because I dont want to simply use it as an escape as well ...
 
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Last night was odd
I went to bed at about the same time as normal. Then I awoke refreshed, turned on the lights and got dressed, only to realize it was 1230.
But whatever, I got up and chilled for a few hours. Just took a nap for a couple hours. But it didnt really do much.
I feel cheated out of a good nights sleep and I dont know why.

I resigned to binging on some junk food before bed as a replacement to the self destructive drinking I wanted. I wish I had not ... yuck. Perhaps thats why?
...
As much as I am getting back into a sleep routine, I dont do a whole hell of a lot in the mornings.
Eat, do some dishes and laundry (if necessary), do a bit of work (post ad, respond to emails), then get ready to start my day.
I suppose this is muchhhh more than those weeks where I'd literally do nothing all week.
Suppose I need to learn to crawl before I can learn to walk.

But some days I question: "when will I get there? Im over 30 now. When will I learn?"
Patience I suppose..
 
Please dont take this the wrong way but that's no consolation haha

Ive never been charged with a dui personally but I think the way they test is kinda flawed (but I see no other way). Obviously you shouldnt be driving drunk by any degree but I feel that tolerance makes a world of difference. Our .08 is not the same as someone who doesnt usually drink. If that makes sense... Or maybe not? ha Either way, I see the principle behind it. But at least for your sake man, dont drink and drive. Another charge wont be a good thing. Can I ask: have you had others in the past?
...
It seems like I've been stuck in this forever. Almost literally a third of my life. It feels like Im on some sort of feedback loop. I only get so far before it resets.
Kinda like the movie Groundhog Day haha

I feel so stunt because of it too.
Emotionally. Physically. In my career. And on...

I recognize that I'm learning, slowly. Over the years. And Im grateful.
But this isnt something I imagined I would be struggling with. Repeatedly.

It honestly kinda humbling. I always looked at addiction as a choice and in a way it is, but I honestly couldnt figure out why you just wouldnt stop. It seems simple but as Im finding out its more complicated than that. And experiencing it first hand is giving me a whole new perspective -one that Im not sure I wanted to see haha). If that makes sense... Depression and anxiety were the same - just get some fresh air and exercise already. And while they make a world of difference, getting there is more than half the battle.
...
But Im stoned and rambling.
 
TOC, this DUI was my first and last. If I do drink again, I have no business driving knowing that I can order home delivery of alcohol. Not that I want to drink again, at least for this moment. As far as testing methods go, blood (as was the case in my DUI) is the most accurate way to go and can also detect other substances, but based on my experience, it seems like a good attorney can get that thrown out. I really had a bad attitude about driving drunk. I thought I was never going to get caught. I was even pulled over by a Massachusetts State Cop for speeding and he had no inking that I was wasted. So yeah, our .08 is quite a different from the .08 of someone who rarely drinks.
 
Sorry, if I came off kinda harsh aihfl, that was not my intent.
Honestly, unfortunately, I would wager that most alcoholics with a car would downplay the seriousness of drunk driving. For me anyways, I seem to justify it as a tolerance thing - after awhile .08 is like my resting bac. I know Ive had some close calls myself that Im not proud of. Also, I'd have to agree with your observations about a good lawyer. Well I have no dui's I have other shit from when I was a kid and a good lawyer got me out of a doing a month. Needless to say, I was so thankful haha. But even still kinda makes finding a decent job more difficult around here, even some factories (not that I'd want to go back) discriminate against unpardoned convictions, even dui's. Is it the same your way?

So I hadnt really smoked in a few days until yesterday/last night and I was pretty stoned - it was nice.
As usual, the more time that I get from a lapse the more the fog starts to lift. And I come to realize some things. Nothing new but always useful. Thats what I was saying yesterday about it feels like Im stuck in a loop. And I suppose in a way, repeating through the cycles of addiction, I am...

Its honestly just putting in the work thats the hard part. It seems so daunting and far away because Ive been there so many times and each time I revist it feels like Im stuck there for an eternity. And it honestly feels like I need a whole lifestyle change, not just to quit drinking. In many ways I feel defeated. But I have faith that I can pull myself out again. Well I cant say Ive been good in a long time Ive been much better than this haha

Today makes like 4 or 5 weeks. But its not really about that at this point. Now it seems to be about embedding sober activities through the rest of my life - hence the subform: Sober Living, I suppose? ha
 
tired of crap said:
Sorry, if I came off kinda harsh aihfl, that was not my intent.
Click to expand...
Not at all.
tired of crap said:
But even still kinda makes finding a decent job more difficult around here, even some factories (not that I'd want to go back) discriminate against unpardoned convictions, even dui's. Is it the same your way?
Click to expand...
Here it is more of an issue of whether the offense was a misdemeanor or felony. Most job applications state that only felonies have to be reported. That is one of the reasons I plead out. My BAC was almost certainly over .2 which would have upped it to a felony and a mandatory minimum of a week in jail. A guy was chairing an AA meeting last week who is a computer programmer with a felony theft conviction who is for all purposes unemployable in his field at this point. What employer would give a person with a felony theft conviction access to a computer network with sensitive and proprietary information?
 
Ya thats what Im looking at with my accounting degree...And a felony ... What do ya do haha
So with your plea you didnt catch a felony?
 
tired of crap said:
Ya thats what Im looking at with my accounting degree...And a felony ... What do ya do haha
So with your plea you didnt catch a felony?
Click to expand...
Yeah I have an accounting degree as well (masters) but I failed the auditing and attestation portion of the CPA exam so miserably that I never pursued a CPA any further. I actually enjoyed my tax law courses. I could always do taxes but haven't pursued it because I don't want to work full time and then some for a few months and then have nothing else the rest of the year. And no, with my plea my DUI remained a misdemeanor.
 
I only have my undergrad.. I finished the majority of it 4 years ago. And just finished the remainder last spring.
I was proper drunk for the last few years, the years in between completion and again during my final stint.
Im not even going to pretend Ive got a clue and attempt to pursue this any further. What a waste of time and money.
Live and learn I suppose.

Taxes always seemed appeasing for the very reasons you mentioned though.
Especially these days, as Im realizing that a normal job isnt really for me ..
But who's going to trust a felon with their taxes... Unless its the mob haha

Glad to hear your dui was only a misdemeanor. Phew.
...

So the weekend was ... well a continuation of my life recently.

I need a change. I realize Im the only one who can make said change but the challenge is in the doing.

Perhaps today is a good day to start?
 
Giving yourself something to look forward to is always a good thing, but try not to slip into the trap of making it a reward for good behaviour. Your decisions about alcohol need to be your normal behaviour now.

And hey, a change I should as good as a holiday, maybe check for new jobs locally? Heh.
 
My alcohol habit is so last month .. Again haha
Ive been a number of weeks without and not drinking is the new norm.. again.
But from time to time my mind wanders there in times of stress/boredom.

A new job is what Im working on currently - trying to get this business (which my friend started a few years back) to provide a sustainable income.
I've always had that entrepreneurial spirit (hence the previous charges haha)... and studying accounting provided me with a base for running a business... sorta
So even when hours are sparse I try to work on something each day - branding, advertising, etc... if Im up for it..

Yesterday was .... challenging when I got home though and my mind kept wandering to "drinkkkkk". Hours this week are good but we're off next week for March break with the kids... But Im going to schedule a few clients on the days where I dont have my daughter... So I'm kinda stressing that this month will be tight too. But I just checked and my taxes went through. I should get my refund later this week. Which is a relief because Ive been avoiding my landlord ... Which is also stressful, considering he lives upstairs ha

So instead of doing anything productive I just plopped down in front of a screen and wasted the day away.
I had considered a walk but by that time it was the end of the day for all the school kids and my social anxiety got the best of me.
Oh how I loathe this location... Having all the trails so close to my old place was such a blessing.

So Ive been up for a number of hours now.
Half working, half wasting time.


Yesterday after deciding against going for a walk I got stoned.
In pacing around lost in thought I saw the desk I sit at from a different perspective (across the room).
It seemed so sad that someone would just sit there for hours on end. With the curtains drawn.
Wanting a different life but not even attempting to make a change.
There is a draw to change. I can feel it building. But when will it reach critical mass? Or will it at all.

On the weekend I made up my mind that if I cant make these changes for myself then I should at least be able to for my daughter.
She needs a good role model.

Yet here I sit.
....
 
Heh, damn right it's so last month! ;) Just need to keep that in mind when the cravings do hit. Stress and boredom can be the main triggers for drinking, it always seems so easy to let your mind wander when you're half cut so boredom is dispelled, it also helps you to procrastinate and never quite get around to doing things that need doing. So yes, that's definitely the enemy here.

You're very lucky though, as you have your daughter to focus on and so need to keep that in the forefront of your mind. Getting quietly stoned is an alternative, but don't entirely replace one vice with another, you're strong enough as you've proved already.

keep us updated on the job front, I'm sure you'll figure it out and you are already showing that you can be a role model as giving up a demon like this is one of the hardest things in the world.
 
Yes, keeping alcohol in the past seems to be my best course of action at this point. My most recent relapses have come after a month or more of abstinence and then justifying drinking for one reason or another(be it recreational or escape). Also Id have to agree with your point on replacing one vice with another. Typically I dont smoke for that reason - I find it very compulsive and much prefer edibles (but alas Ive been lazy on all fronts). I started smoking quite regularly throughout the day a couple weeks back and as much as I want to delude myself that I'll accomplish something I dont and I feel like it allows me to procrastinate and be ok with it.

But it also allows me another perspective. And for that I am truly grateful. However, Im Im not allowing for any time to integrate what Ive learned. And when Im constantly stoned its hard to remember, even when not smoking it seems like Im constantly in a fog. Not to mention the lack of motivation. Though I recognize these are just my traits being amplified by all the smoking.

Also as much as I recognize the need to celebrate overcoming obstacles, such as addiction, at a certain point I feel like its time to set new goals. Ascension feels critical to my contentment. I think in part due to the life my dad leads but also due to the monotony of it all. And perhaps more importantly due to the fact that this life is finite and we have no idea when our time will come due. Im reminded of Tool's Right in Two "repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven conscious of his fleeting time here"
...
Granted Im stoned now but these arent revelations.
 
Random question, but have you ever tried just writing down every goal you have, positive goals that's is, as an exercise in being able to comprehend the totality of what you're trying to achieve?

And forgive me, if some of what I say doesn't make sense, I had to use a stronger painkiller for the pain today and it has a much bigger kick than my normal stuff.
 
You know, Im not one for lists haha ... but I think youre right. I should make a tangible list of some small but critical goals. Start slow and hopefully the rest will follow.I once saw a chalk board that had my goals for: today, this week, this month. this year.. thought that was kinda lame ha
But it got me thinking. About the goals that I would like to achieve.
So I think Ill make a small list

Yes I read your thread and see that you have to take pain meds so you can walk. can I ask what happened?
What are you taking normally? And the stronger one?
Do you know what causes the pain to fluctuate?
 
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Definitely make some lists, it'll help you I'm sure. You can find all sorts of motivation and when you've got them all out in front of you it's kinda easier to find a reason not to drink...

My pain is just acute arthritis, early onset and it flares up sometimes. I normally take a batch of drugs, lol, mirtazapine, duloxetine, Nefopam, trazodone, tramadol, amitriptyline and other opioids. The strongest I have are some low dose time release fentanyl patches.
 
Not a bad plan Traj. I think I've got a few goals for this week. Nice and simple but SMART (as they say):
-do the dishes every night (so I dont have to worry in the mornings),
-engage in more yoga/meditation than last week (which was only once so that wont be hard),
-participate in 2 days of core exercises,
-get outside, even if just for a little each day.

Sorry to hear about your arthritis. Do you know is anything causes these flare ups or are they simply random?
Im not too familiar with some of the drugs you listed but some ring a bell. I know youre likely aware and have weighed the pros/cons for your situation but be careful man.. Mirtazapine, trazadone and tramadol, especially when combined, can lead to things like serotonin syndrome, while tramadol on its own has been known to reduce the seizure threshold ... By no means am I a professional though, just an enthusiast haha ... Just sayin, tread cautiously
...

So another one of my goals recently is to keep in touch with family more.
My grandpas been hurting since his girlfriend passes last month and as the rest of the family is still bitter about this or that from years gone past, no one will talk to him so I kinda feel obligated. Perhaps thats not the right words... Its just I know how much the loss of a loved one hurts and not having anyone there to talk to only confounds the matter...

Anyways in our conversations recently he has really surprised me.
I always thought that he was like my Dad but worse: bitter, resentful, cold and hard, etc etc. And perhaps at one time he was and thats what fostered my Dads, as well as my uncles, very different, issues. But he confided in me after the lose of his partner that he was actual torn apart by her death because he loved her, which was something he had never experienced when my grandma passed away.

And then last night he was asking if I talk to my Dad much ... as little as I can manage was my response haha ... but he said hes been trying but my dad screens all his calls and simply wont answer. And then my Grandpa surprised me again "you know he has every right to be angry and hurt and sad about your mom .. I mean Im all of those things now. You know after ___ passed I didnt think I could carry on and as hard as things are now, Im learning that life must goes on. At some point your Dad is going to have to realize this or hes going to be depressed. I mean really depressed." I couldnt bring myself to tell him that Im pretty sure my Dads been depressed for many years but definitely since mom passed last year and exasperated since his heart attack, shortly there after.

Anyways, his openness and awareness surrounding these events really surprised me.
It gives me hope that I am not as doomed I imagine some days.
Lifes quite the journey, if you can look at it in the right light.
<3
 
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