Binge drinking - lightheadedness

[aihfl]

Washing dishes is up there among my least favorite household chores. I'll never forget the German word for dishwasher (geschirrspule) because we had to go around the room in German class and talk about which household appliance we wanted the most.

Do you live in a populated area? You might want to see if there are Refuge Recovery meetings in your area. It's recovery based on Buddhist principles and each meeting begins with a 20 minute meditation, which is always a welcome break from my anxiety ridden, somewhat chaotic life. Yoga is great too. It's great being able to stretch out knotted up muscles from sitting in front of a computer all day.

One of the best things about having a dog is I have to get out at least three times a day so she can go take care of her bathroom needs and both of us gets a little bit of exercise in the process.

 

[KraziKat]

Washing dishes is up there among my least favorite household chores. I'll never forget the German word for dishwasher (geschirrspule) because we had to go around the room in German class and talk about which household appliance we wanted the most.

Do you live in a populated area? You might want to see if there are Refuge Recovery meetings in your area. It's recovery based on Buddhist principles and each meeting begins with a 20 minute meditation, which is always a welcome break from my anxiety ridden, somewhat chaotic life. Yoga is great too. It's great being able to stretch out knotted up muscles from sitting in front of a computer all day.

One of the best things about having a dog is I have to get out at least three times a day so she can go take care of her bathroom needs and both of us gets a little bit of exercise in the process.

I am very interested in Refuge Recovery... will look into this here in NNJ!

 

[Trajal]

Thanks for worrying toc, but I'm under very good specialists so not too concerned about unexpected side effects just yet.

Yeah, buy a dishwasher when you can, heh, godsend.

 

[tired of crap]

A dishwasher haha .. I wish
Last month I was so broke I could hardly afford dish soap lol
.. maybe next month

Yesterday was a bust after work
I cooked a delicious pork roast though- rubbed in oil, maple syrup and Franks red hot sauce then sprinkled with pepper and crushed chili peppers.
And promptly took a weed nap after munching out until it was damn near time to go meet a client for a quote ...
Afterwards it was bed time and I just crashed...

I dont want to say weed is the problem but smoking in the morning definitely increases the odds ill be burnt out/lazy by the time im done work.. who woulda guessed ha

 

[Trajal]

Well, could put that down as one of your tangible goals. Heh.

The pork sounds lush. I just did a microwave spag Bol, wasn't in any state to be cooking.

Sounds Ds like maybe it's be a good idea to set specific times when you smoke it, maybe after certain things have been done? It's hard to stick to that kinda thing tho, but it might help kickstart leaving the weed until later, even if you don't ultimately stick to it entirely.

 

[tired of crap]

I think I like the idea of limiting when I smoke.. or at the very least limiting my laziness.
It seems like all I have done is quit drinking. I still run through the motions, just without the booze.
So its not really the weed making me lazy but me being lazy already.

This morning was kinda odd in that I had a moment when I thought about it and I questioned if I really wanted to quit drinking.
I know that its better this way, for everyone, including myself, and thats why Im doing it.
But do I really want to quit?

Right now I feel its complicated by the fact that all Ive done is quit - the rest of my life is still the same (ish).

Im realizing my goals for this week were slightly ambitious.
I need to learn to walk before I can crawl again..
I need to start with the basics

My goals for this week, by next friday I hope to:
Eat at least 3 healthy meals a day and cut down on junk food
Drink an appropriate amount of water each day
Do the dishes every night
Attend basic personal hygiene daily (weird but I find this incredibly helpful)
Set a sleep schedule and stick to it.

These are so incredibly basic and Im almost embarrassed but honestly I feel like theyre more realistic for where Im at these days.

My daughter comes tonight and I'll be damned if this weekend is a repeat of last (we watched a horrendous amount of movies and shit - because thats what I usually do ... and Im stuck even when shes here). Next week is March break and she gets to stay for a few extra days, so Id really like to make this change start to happen when she is here. Her adaptability and resilience throughout all the change in her life recently is so inspiring and I trust shell be up for the challenge, even if it requires some encouragement.

 

[Trajal]

Heya, hope you have a great weekend. I'm heading out on a friend's boat for a few days of fishing, gorgeous weather here now. Hope you manage to get out with your daughter, much more enjoyable than sitting indoors, but I do understand about anxiety.

try to set your goal of having a great time with your daughter rather than anything else for the next few days, that's got to be your priority right? Have a good one, will catch you in a few days.

 

[tired of crap]

That sounds wonderful Traj.
What sort of fish are you after? Its still trying to be winter here, so there hasnt been much fishing going on for a few months.

Yes, having a good time with my daughter is whats important but for me to do that it seems like I need to have myself in proper working order. And those goals are the fundamentals of just that, for me anyways. And Im satisfied to report that so far, so good. Could be a little more diligent and consistent but Im working on it.

Yesterday was a good day though.
We didnt do a whole lot - some chores (I feel like shes 9 now and theres no reason chores cant be another way to spend quality time together, even if it is working), walked to get groceries, walked to the library for some new books for March Break and a movie at the end of the day.

But I was engaged all day. Lately Ive had an almost constant need to be distracted ... from what? ...which has lead to copious amounts of screen time, unless Im at work. Phone, computer, tv, or some combination there of. And unfortunately this has come through to my time with my daughter as well. So last week I decided to just not charge my phone battery. And I made an effort to only check and respond to emails, not just waste time on Facebook, or here... It was so nice.

But all the free time to think led to rather surprisingly intense cravings. Its been a couple weeks since theyve been this bad.
Now Im wondering if the two are related. Have I just replaced drinking with internet?
I mean really, its all I do now ..

And when Im not, its hard to be in my own head. Unless Im stoned.
Which sort of amplifies my current state anyways, which has been lazy with a pinch (more like a punch) of screen time.

So to my list above, I'd also like to add reduce screen time.
Yesterday was good but I feel like I can do better.

Suppose I should start now haha....
Until next time...

 

[Trajal]

Heya, yeah it was fun. Got numbers that I was quite surprised at. It's still very much winter here, only just saw off some snow, but cod and pollock like those conditions. Oddly, caught a couple of bass , but they don't normally show up in numbers until middle of May usually.

When I was doing my main recovery, and frankly I'd had a breakdown on top of substance abuse, I was reminded of a performance technique that the British olympic cycling team use. Aggregation of marginal gains. That's a posh way of saying that rather than try to improve overall performance by a big amount, which can look daunting, just choose a few key areas and make small changes to each over time. The accumulative effect will be the same or even better but just a small marginal gain (like trying to spend half an hour less in the computer each day) can have a great effect when stacked together with other stuff.

I don't know, it helped me though. Does sound like you need something productive that you can get your teeth into. When you're busy or distracted it's much easier in my opinion. Maybe take up some of those surveys that you get paid to do online, or get into creative writing or something? Hope all goes well, sounds like you're making real progress.

 

[tired of crap]

I like the idea of aggregate marginal gains..

The last few days with my daughter were good.
I was successful in reducing my screen time, and hers as well - she is also used to intense amounts of screen time at her Moms. And we were able to spend more quality time together.. even if it was tending to chores.

Yesterday I drove her up to my Dads for a few days. As he is off this week and offered to watch her for March Break... which worked out, as I needed to work a couple days.

Driving back this morning for work was stressful. It was snowing and everyone seems to forget what to do when a few flakes are in the air/on the ground.
I was exhausted and agitated by the time I got home, which made for a along day by myself at work.
I noticed a lot of negative thoughts and emotions. And a tendency for my thoughts to drift towards self harm through drinking and poor eating - all I wanted was to get wasted with a side of pizza and chips (shoulda ate before work I guess ha).
But things cleared as I finished and I have managed to avoid both so far.

Someone cancelled for tomorrow so I get the day off.
Plan is to trip. It has been many months. In fact I havent tripped since before I moved in September ... which is hard to believe.
Hoping itll help to reset.

 

[tired of crap]

Well, trip was a no go.
I couldnt sleep last night yet got up at the same time as always out of habit.
And I was pretty anxious this morning, so I said forget it. There's always another day (hopefully haha).

Instead Im hoping to attend to some much needed tasks in hopes that my next attempt wont be foiled by my own doubts.

So this morning I laced up the running shoes and went off for a little run. FML. It was more like a jog lol...
Ah well, gotta start somewhere. But if Im honest, it's definitely disappointing to have let myself go this long and to be where I am.
But if Im learning anything its that sitting here feeling bad for myself isnt going to change anything.

Seems Im also learning to integrate some of my previous lesson: drugs arent necessary to evoke change, they are merely a catalyst. You still have to provide the right conditions.

Anyways, I have grand plans to be productive with the rest of my day. We shall see.

 

[tired of crap]

So, I've been thinking lately. And Ive noticed that my thoughts are starting to clear...
Im not so entirely focused on abstaining from alcohol, or lost in depressive or anxious states.
Its weird. Definitely welcome though...

Things have been getting better all around but there is still a ways to go.
Im beginning to realize that I need to make them go. Or they just dont.
Some things are proving harder to get started/drop but I feel that seeing the differences is an improvement in itself.

So I was reading another thread and the phrase clean and sober had me thinking.
Websters dictionairy defines the terms (in relation to drugs/addiction) as such"
clean - free from drug addiction and sober - not addicted to _____. Which would make sober redundant no?

Perhaps not if we are to look at the broader definitions of sober:
- marked by sedate or gravely or earnestly thoughtful character or demeanor
- unhurried, calm
- marked by temperance, moderation, or seriousness
- subdued in tone or color
- showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice

I feel like Ive got the clean part down. But now its time to focus on the broader meaning of sober.
Or Im just stoned and caught up in semantics, though I wonder if they need to be mutually exclusive haha

Anyways..
Suppose its time to get to whatever it is I should be doing that isnt on the computer...

 

[Trajal]

So, I've been thinking lately. And Ive noticed that my thoughts are starting to clear...
Im not so entirely focused on abstaining from alcohol, or lost in depressive or anxious states.
Its weird. Definitely welcome though...

Things have been getting better all around but there is still a ways to go.
Im beginning to realize that I need to make them go. Or they just dont.
Some things are proving harder to get started/drop but I feel that seeing the differences is an improvement in itself.

So I was reading another thread and the phrase clean and sober had me thinking.
Websters dictionairy defines the terms (in relation to drugs/addiction) as such"
clean - free from drug addiction and sober - not addicted to _____. Which would make sober redundant no?

Perhaps not if we are to look at the broader definitions of sober:
- marked by sedate or gravely or earnestly thoughtful character or demeanor
- unhurried, calm
- marked by temperance, moderation, or seriousness
- subdued in tone or color
- showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice

I feel like Ive got the clean part down. But now its time to focus on the broader meaning of sober.
Or Im just stoned and caught up in semantics, though I wonder if they need to be mutually exclusive haha

Anyways..
Suppose its time to get to whatever it is I should be doing that isnt on the computer...

less screentime, more lifetime my friend!!

i do know what what you're saying, it can seem as if an entirely sober life lacks any kind of colour.

let me tell you, I think you are so lucky to have a child. I've never said this before, but I'll type it here. I'm frightened that I will die before I have the chance to have children. I'm a fair bit older than you and I never used to be interested all that much, but now, well I guess as you get older you do wonder.

gotta say, wouldn't give a damn about drugs or anything even, if I had a kid. I know that actually, for the most part, you're the same really. Just need to bring that to the fore.

keep going in strength, you are doing incredibly well.

 

[tired of crap]

Thanks for your kind words traj. How have you been lately man?

I thought having a kid would take priority over drug use and in many ways it did. I really turned my life around, for a while. But then something changed and I needed escape, and the alcohol flowed like a river haha But the selfishness of my addiction always became obvious when I was with her.. Now when I have no need to remain sober for myself I think back to how much alcoholism fucked me up and the effect it was having on my relationship with my daughter and dealing with/ignoring or avoiding my cravings is easier.
...
So I finally got to tripping out.
I was at my daughters moms for the weekend, as there was an animal show, with a sloth (my daughter loves those adorable little creatures), up that way that my daughter wanted to attend so I spent the weekend there. The plan was to trip for the show but given the fact that mushrooms are rather unpredictable I decided to wait. So I waited until the following day, when we were supposed to go to a maple syrup boil at a friends place.

Plan was to leave in a few hours so I figured Id settle into my trip and then wed head off.
So I brewed a tea ala lemon tek, but strained out the mushie bits - I usually just drink em with the tea, so this was in the name of science of course. 15 minutes later Im in a nice familiar space. But then time went on we were doing nothing and my mind began to wander to all the areas Ive been neglecting lately: the debt that Ive been avoiding, work - the email Ive been avoiding to send and the questionable work Ive been doing of late (which was quite an over exaggeration), the life I havent been living. My mind spun faster and faster and faster. Surrounded by negative thoughts and with little practice in meditation of late I was easily caught up in the cross fire.

"The dose are up, the lights swirl faster and the chap who freaks out has yet to pass the acidddddd testtttttt"

In the end I bailed on the maple syrup deal and just laid on the couch, watching tv, begging for it to end.
Well thats a bummer, eh? Yes and no. While normally I would look for meaning in the thoughts I had during the trip, and I can here too to a degree, but Im trying to look at the bigger picture... The fact that I was so easily bombard by these thoughts really shows just how far Ive let my meditative practice go. Escaping via tv also speaks volumes to my current habit of too much screen time. However for the first time in many of my most recent trips (over the past 3 years) I am happy to report that I no longer received the same message "QUIT DRINKING!!!!" with a side of mind movies of embarrassing drunken escapades.

So now its time to integrate the experience and the lessons before my next trip.
....
As far as work goes, this is the first month since I quit school where Im not stressing out to make rent. Hell I might even be able to start paying off some debt. I was hoping to get Friday off for the Easter long weekend but buddy booked this monday off to visit a friend, so thats not happening... ah well, we still get Easter monday off... And have a full weeks worth of work both this week and next. So I cant complain

Suppose thats it for now.

Hope everyone is well.
Much love
toc

 

[tired of crap]

Another weekend spent at my ex's for Easter weekend. Her Dad was heading up and as him and I are cool, he offered to pick me up along the way, to save me gas money and so he could see my daughter for the weekend as well. I dont mind it there but 2 weekends in a row is more than I need. And Ive got one more too... Its her little ones birthday and my daughter obviously wants to attend - so its either I go or dont see her...

I had yesterday off for Easter monday and I spent most of it sleeping/being lazy as I think Im coming down with a cold or something (as the babys sick at my exs).
It didnt feel nice and by the end of the day I found myself performing at the least, very basic self care.
My house could still use some love, but its not so bad.

Last week and the next few are quite busy with work, which is a nice change and financial stress is easing slightly.
But Ive yet to pay interest payments on my debt in months.. Hopefully this month!

Trying to integrate my trip last week was half assed at best.
Id like to put more effort into self compassion/love this week. My energy levels and sleep patterns are finally adjusting to this routine, so I no longer have that excuse. I have I started this morning with some very basic stuff - shave, shower etc and have plans to do some others activities again after work.

Suppose I should get going..

 

[herbavore]

So, I've been thinking lately. And Ive noticed that my thoughts are starting to clear...
Im not so entirely focused on abstaining from alcohol, or lost in depressive or anxious states.
Its weird. Definitely welcome though...

Things have been getting better all around but there is still a ways to go.
Im beginning to realize that I need to make them go. Or they just dont.
Some things are proving harder to get started/drop but I feel that seeing the differences is an improvement in itself.

So I was reading another thread and the phrase clean and sober had me thinking.
Websters dictionairy defines the terms (in relation to drugs/addiction) as such"
clean - free from drug addiction and sober - not addicted to _____. Which would make sober redundant no?

Perhaps not if we are to look at the broader definitions of sober:
- marked by sedate or gravely or earnestly thoughtful character or demeanor
- unhurried, calm
- marked by temperance, moderation, or seriousness
- subdued in tone or color
- showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice

I feel like Ive got the clean part down. But now its time to focus on the broader meaning of sober.
Or Im just stoned and caught up in semantics, though I wonder if they need to be mutually exclusive haha

Anyways..
Suppose its time to get to whatever it is I should be doing that isnt on the computer...

This reminds me of the saying, "There is a big difference between abstinence and recovery." I think we are all in recovery. And it is a process that will engage us all the way through to our deaths. Which isn't a bad thing at all. It was a huge shift for me to think of my mental health being more about undoing than doing. Most of what I trip myself up with was learned so long ago, half of it absorbed unconsciously, and most of it self-destructive. Untangling all those old messages--some from family but most just from my child-mind interpreting and internalizing how society said I should be (that of course I felt I never measured up to). Recovery doesn't feel so onerous when it feels like an exploration rather than a condemnation.

 

[tired of crap]

Herbavore,
Thank you for your kind and wise words.
I read them shortly after you posted them and I have been thinking of them ever since.

"Recovery doesn't feel so onerous when it feels like an exploration rather than a condemnation." could also be applied to life in general and I have been trying to look at it as such.
...
Lately I have been focusing on taking baby steps, not getting bummed out because I havent achieved some unrealistic goal but making smart goals which when accomplished foster a feeling of success and in turn lead to more progress. Lately thats been eating, healthy-ish. Since my last binge Ive been kinda depressed and not taking care of myself, which has resulted in a loss of 15lbs in 3 months. I was kinda shocked but perhaps thats why Im been so lethargic of late - literally no energy to burn.
...
I ended up with no responsibilities this past weekend and decided I needed a reset.
In hopes that a little nmda antagonism might help with my depressive tendencies of late I opted for a rather hefty dose of dxm.
Honestly this experience was as much recreation as it was intended to break some bad habits of late.

I dont know if it was placebo or not but my mood has been significantly improved and Ive been smoking a lot less pot (perhaps thats why my mood is improved?).
..
Anyways,
I hope everyone is well.
Im off for now

 

[tired of crap]

So I spent a 3 day weekend at my Dads.
I had to do his taxes and there was some things I had not run into before. They took longer than expected and proved more stressful than I imagined. Compounding matters was the fact that I cut myself off pot for those three days too. Between my Dads constant negativity and hovering and lack of smoke I was pretty cranky come the trouble on Sunday/Monday with taxes.

Staying there is becoming easier but filing moms taxes "for the estate of" always reminds me just how long shes been gone.
Which makes visiting difficult for yet another reason.

Today I recognized another.
Some of my unchosen family is so difficult to be around. And being around them reminds me of this and I almost feel guilty for not visiting as often as I visit some of my "family".
...
Staying there isnt all bad as it highlights some of my issues too.
Integrating the lessons is always the difficult part.

I am planning another trip this week. Likely to celebrate bicycle day on Thursday and consider some of my recent thoughts in a new light.
...
Work seems to be picking up nicely
And Ive been pretty good with the basic essentials - eat drink sleep and clean. My goal for this week is more active accomplishment and less time spent passively.

 

[aihfl]

This is the first year I haven't had to deal with an accountant to do my taxes. I filed online, no fuss no muss. I'm done with my father's estate, I'm done with being a landlord, and I'm done with musician self-employment. If I wait until 70 to start collecting Social Security, I'll get the maximum benefit and with my employer retirement I'll probably be taking in more money per month than I do working. I don't mind working though. My father didn't retire from practicing medicine until he was 70 and I think he found retirement boring without a job to keep him busy so I'll probably continue to work part time in retirement.

 

[tired of crap]

I wish I could have retired yesterday. A job has been paramount of late - getting me out of the house, enforcing a schedule, relieving financial burdens, enforcing a personal hygiene regime, etc... But Id still rather not work (if Im in a good place). But working for myself (essentially) isnt so bad, so Ill just put up with it for now I guess haha

Work has been picking up lately, as our hard work starts to pay off as more clients are referring us and we even start in at one of our clients businesses.

Next week marks 4 months without a drink.
Well I am still smoking (pot) I have cut back and Im about every 2 weeks for a psychedelic/disassociative trip, as

Im eating better/healthier and getting outside more/less screen time. Hobbies too - now only if I could catch a damn fish haha
Im hoping with as I settle into my new routine Ill add some exercise but its kinda a crawl before ya walk thing I think..

Meditation and yoga have yet to come round again too though I find Im more mindful in my daily life. But Im hoping theyll follow soon too.
...
Hope everyone is well.
toc