Lost I miss having someone close to hold

[Joey]

One of the most important things to me in my own happiness is in having good, loving relationships with those who are in my life. Fiends, family, those who are around me in my communities either online or off. Work even. It's really important to me to develop good relationships with the people in my life. I try to do what I can to let people know that I do see them. I do hear them. They are valued and appreciated. I do love them.

I don't always make the mark. No one does all the time. But for me I'm feeling like I've really got a lot of the most important people in my life put out, or that I've been put out through one process or another. I've lost so many this past year. A lot of this is my own fault, and some I know isn't but I'm not going to argue what it and what isn't or what events in my life went which way. That isn't the point to how I'm feeling now.

Honestly, I know I felt this way quite a bit before too. Lonely. It's escalated to a point now where I don't think I can manage anymore. I know I can't manage everything just on my own anyway, but I need to find my people. I need to find someone who I can give some of my strength and love to so that I can start to feel some of that again for my own.

I'm a mess right now and I have been for quite awhile. When I left my partner and best friend last year in March, I was devastated. I had a sketchy, but fantastic life following that breakup otherwise. I found myself in who I am and what I truly want to do with my life. I found out that I can do some great things with the knowledge base and skill set that I have- with who I am. I found myself here at Bluelight.

I became the social media and comm manager here, and I was so proud of my work. There was some issues absolutely, and I was still broken up about my relationship and I was in some precarious situations with my housing and personal situations. My drug and alcohol use was sky high and remained that way for a long time. I'm doing a bit better in that department now, but a bit better is still pretty hard core really. I have an incrediblely pervasive and massive issue with controlling my drug use and keeping myself steady through my addictions and mental health issues.

I went through some major life problems before everything got completely fucked on my end for awhile and then I disappeared.

The last major problem before this blackout was last October when I was registered with victims services in Oshawa, ON because this man I was seeing had been holding me captive at a motel. I don't drive, had no one in that area who could hold me til I could get home, and no one who would come get me. I don't mean captive as in I was locked away physically inside the motel 24/7, but that's only a step or two off of the reality of it.

About halfway through this month long ordeal I ran out to the college down the street from the motel. I had no shirt and no shoes and nothing but my guitar. I waited for the police to pick me up to take the to the hospital. They did. And they showed up at our room with guns drawn at him due to his record and what I'd reported. He had been threatening to kill me and had elaborated many times on he ways he was going to do it.

I wound up going back. There was no good and safe option for shelter. I wouldvs lost everything. All my stuff, everything. I dealt with him for a our 2 weeks or so until an.altercation between us finally caught the attention of security and he was forced to pay my cab home. $500 cab ride back home!!!

Back to another hell and to the making of anofher, even worse hell to come. I was out of my fucking mind with the trauma of all of this. I totally fucked up a meeting with Bluelight and some major Canadian harm reduction groups I was also affiliated with, on staff. Then my phone was stolen a few days after that. The complete meltdown I'd just had made a perfect storm for my hacker to fuck with me by using my accounts to send so many people so much horrible shit. I'm still dealing with picking up the pieces there. I no longer have that phone, the authorization app I used for my (and Bluelights) accounts, to 2FA into my emails and accounts needed to 2FA into the accounts I can no longer access to fix some of this.

Many of my relationships with a lot of people are completely lost. It's by far, the most fucked up, public and personal train wreck I've ever faced. I couldn't have been more fucked up here, and I know exactly who did this. I am still faced with how I will deal with this whole situation. My life only got worse from there. I wanted to badly to Ge back online and start fixing this, find out actually what had all happened here. I didn't know the full extent of how bad this was for months.

A friend of mine has backed up his chats with the Facebook account (mine) being used by my hacker to fuck with my life. This was a person who I let stay at my place for awhile, temporarily is what I'd said. Instead, he took my phone, fucked with an already terrible situation to a point I'll never be able to live down or make up to people. Some people will never believe I'm even telling the truth of what happened here with all these horrid messages that were sent to people using my device on my accounts in my home.. My friend has saved these chats and is prepared to back me up on this. This guy actually told him he had stolen and hacked my phone.

I can't get into the account because I need ID to get in now. I don't have ID. I am working on it now. It will take some time. At this point I am going to look at everything and make a backup of it all. Probably for court. I will also take the infi@bluelight email off of it.

To get into the rest of my accounts, I need to pay my phone bill with Fido who has my acct and of phone number. Once I have that number back I can start getting into more of my accounts and unravel it all. This is around $800 and I cannot afford that for the life of me...

I want to pay this bill so bad. I am so fucking upset about all of this. This situation and everything which has followed has basically ruined my life. The reception I get from people is basically what anyone gets when they're addicted to drugs and crazy shot happens. I get grilled on myself and my addictions personally. I often get disbelief. I've never gotten a hug and a "you're okay" or anything like that! It makes me so mad!

I feel like I have failed this community and everyone in it. I have a hard time posting this. Some days I have a hard time post here. I love Bluelight so much, and I'll never get to be a part of this place as I was. Ever again. That's heart breaking.

I lost all contact with Kevin. My ex. We had kept up contact after breaking up for quite awhile. He wants no contact now. I understand. I also feel like if this hadn't have happened and I was able to call more and things this would not be the case!

I don't even have his number! All.my contacts are lost in a Gmail which is tied to my old.pgone number which is $800! I know the password! It doesn't matter! I need my phone number back!

I don't have so many phone numbers and I cant get them back. There's people I just can't get a hold of anymore. I have no idea what messages or how many or how ruinous they were. The vast majority of people I've been in contact with have told me about this though. Most realized it wasn't me. The ones who aren't answering, who knows... I'm thinking that for some who can see that, they still just can't have that level of bullshit in their lives.

This affected my work severely as well. And as someone who works online, the fact that I ever put myself in a position where I've had my cybersecurity breached this badly will always look poorly on my. I am so lucky to have maintained the work I have and to have gained the new gigs I've gained since I finally got back online.

But, it's really, really hard man. I am always so scared of being fucked with this way again. I was into some subjects in cybersecurity and hacking to begin with. Now I spend more time researching that and fucking around with my devices and programs than actually working. I don't have much trust for most people. I try to not let this change my behaviours in things like "yes you can use my phone" or computer or things for a bit. But I'm always so scared of some liferuiner coming to take my already shitty situation and wreck it even more AGAIN.

I feel so distraught all the time. So misunderstood. I feel like people hate me. I miss everyone and the things I was so proud of so much. I truly love Bluelight. So much. To the point I will never leave this place for good (although I've thought about it) because this is like sanctuary for me. So much of my development as a person happened here with you guys, I can't go. Ever.

In my personal life.. I am lonlier than ever. I need someone to be close with. I do mean a man. I'm most comfortable with a good man in my life. Someone I can grow with.

I generally like a partner who's a bit older. even a fair bit older than me. I look for guys who are wiser and stabler than I am. That's an aim I tend to make even with who I pick as my friends. Some of them. I need people to learn from and I've learned that I can offer a whole life experience and my skills to people in a personally gratuitous way too.

I value people for who they are as much as I can, and I want to be good to others too. This is what I aim for anyway. Of course I don't always make the mark. Not even often, if you start aiming to perfection. Relationships in all their forms are tough work. They are work too, and that's bi-directional to move in and out of the relationships with the people we hold so dear. I miss my men, or my man the most.

A swath of angular body structure, with the neck resonant to his masculine voice - rumbling to be touched. His solid chest, muscled and big as I am to rise and fall evenly with sleep - as he is the warm body which is saving me a space in our bed. I crawl in next to him and I hug him close. I rest my head on his chest and my forehead into his neck, to his jaw line. He wraps his arms around my body and we mess around for a bit adjusting our bodies and limbs to get comfortable. I can sleep this way so easily, and so well. I miss this feeling so much. And all the other ways we can share a bed. We don't have to be touching. Sometimes I can lay down next to you, just watching you. When you've found your way this far into my heart, I'm here for you. As you are, or me. Or you were... I'm so sorry it didn't work out..

I'm crying writing this....

I miss having someone to talk to. I miss his interests and his desires and dreams.

I long to go places like I used to with him. For whatever needed to be done, done together. To go somewhere, just to be there. Maybe there's a story to this landmark, maybe not. Either way were there to hold the fort between us. Just for then, and to say what we need to say to each other. Or nothing at all. Sweet silence to equals in equanimity.

I miss having someone to love and care for, in respect to that same thing being given freely in return.

And the same to everyone who's here, or in my life otherwise who's not a romantic partner. That's a different version of the last few paragraphs to write.. But I feel so fucked up now and empty. Like a failure. I've truly failed everyone.

 

[Robi]

One of the most important things to me in my own happiness is in having good, loving relationships with those who are in my life. Fiends, family, those who are around me in my communities either online or off. Work even. It's really important to me to develop good relationships with the people in my life. I try to do what I can to let people know that I do see them. I do hear them. They are valued and appreciated. I do love them.

I don't always make the mark. No one does all the time. But for me I'm feeling like I've really got a lot of the most important people in my life put out, or that I've been put out through one process or another. I've lost so many this past year. A lot of this is my own fault, and some I know isn't but I'm not going to argue what it and what isn't or what events in my life went which way. That isn't the point to how I'm feeling now.

Honestly, I know I felt this way quite a bit before too. Lonely. It's escalated to a point now where I don't think I can manage anymore. I know I can't manage everything just on my own anyway, but I need to find my people. I need to find someone who I can give some of my strength and love to so that I can start to feel some of that again for my own.

I'm a mess right now and I have been for quite awhile. When I left my partner and best friend last year in March, I was devastated. I had a sketchy, but fantastic life following that breakup otherwise. I found myself in who I am and what I truly want to do with my life. I found out that I can do some great things with the knowledge base and skill set that I have- with who I am. I found myself here at Bluelight.

I became the social media and comm manager here, and I was so proud of my work. There was some issues absolutely, and I was still broken up about my relationship and I was in some precarious situations with my housing and personal situations. My drug and alcohol use was sky high and remained that way for a long time. I'm doing a bit better in that department now, but a bit better is still pretty hard core really. I have an incrediblely pervasive and massive issue with controlling my drug use and keeping myself steady through my addictions and mental health issues.

I went through some major life problems before everything got completely fucked on my end for awhile and then I disappeared.

The last major problem before this blackout was last October when I was registered with victims services in Oshawa, OK because this man I was seeing had been holding me captive at a motel. I don't drive, had no one in that area who could hold me til I could get home, and no one who would come get me. I don't mean captive as in I was locked away physically inside the motel 24/7, but that's only a step or two off of the reality of it.

About halfway through this month long ordeal I ran out to the college down the street from the motel. I had no shirt and no shoes and nothing but my guitar. I waited for the police to pick me up to take the to the hospital. They did. And they showed up at our room with guns drawn at him due to his record and what I'd reported. He had been threatening to kill me and had elaborated many times on he ways he was going to do it.

I wound up going back. There was no good and safe option for shelter. I wouldvs lost everything. All my stuff, everything. I dealt with him for a our 2 weeks or so until an.altercation between us finally caught the attention of security and he was forced to pay my cab home. $500 cab ride back home!!!

Back to another hell and to the making of anofher, even worse hell to come. I was out of my fucking mind with the trauma of all of this. I totally fucked up a meeting with Bluelight and some major Canadian harm reduction groups I was also affiliated with, on staff. Then my phone was stolen a few days after that. The complete meltdown I'd just had made a perfect storm for my hacker to fuck with me by using my accounts to send so many people so much horrible shit. I'm still dealing with picking up the pieces there. I no longer have that phone, the authorization app I used for my (and Bluelights) accounts, to 2FA into my emails and accounts needed to 2FA into the accounts I can no longer access to fix some of this.

Many of my relationships with a lot of people are completely lost. It's by far, the most fucked up, public and personal train wreck I've ever faced. I couldn't have been more fucked up here, and I know exactly who did this. I am still faced with how I will deal with this whole situation. My life only got worse from there. I wanted to badly to Ge back online and start fixing this, find out actually what had all happened here. I didn't know the full extent of how bad this was for months.

A friend of mine has backed up his chats with the Facebook account (mine) being used by my hacker to fuck with my life. This was a person who I let stay at my place for awhile, temporarily is what I'd said. Instead, he took my phone, fucked with an already terrible situation to a point I'll never be able to live down or make up to people. Some people will never believe I'm even telling the truth of what happened here with all these horrid messages that were sent to people using my device on my accounts in my home.. My friend has saved these chats and is prepared to back me up on this. This guy actually told him he had stolen and hacked my phone.

I can't get into the account because I need ID to get in now. I don't have ID. I am working on it now. It will take some time. At this point I am going to look at everything and make a backup of it all. Probably for court. I will also take the infi@bluelight email off of it.

To get into the rest of my accounts, I need to pay my phone bill with Fido who has my acct and of phone number. Once I have that number back I can start getting into more of my accounts and unravel it all. This is around $800 and I cannot afford that for the life of me...

I want to pay this bill so bad. I am so fucking upset about all of this. This situation and everything which has followed has basically ruined my life. The reception I get from people is basically what anyone gets when they're addicted to drugs and crazy shot happens. I get grilled on myself and my addictions personally. I often get disbelief. I've never gotten a hug and a "you're okay" or anything like that! It makes me so mad!

I feel like I have failed this community and everyone in it. I have a hard time posting this. Some days I have a hard time post here. I love Bluelight so much, and I'll never get to be a part of this place as I was. Ever again. That's heart breaking.

I lost all contact with Kevin. My ex. We had kept up contact after breaking up for quite awhile. He wants no contact now. I understand. I also feel like if this hadn't have happened and I was able to call more and things this would not be the case!

I don't even have his number! All.my contacts are lost in a Gmail which is tied to my old.pgone number which is $800! I know the password! It doesn't matter! I need my phone number back!

I don't have so many phone numbers and I cant get them back. There's people I just can't get a hold of anymore. I have no idea what messages or how many or how ruinous they were. The vast majority of people I've been in contact with have told me about this though. Most realized it wasn't me. The ones who aren't answering, who knows... I'm thinking that for some who can see that, they still just can't have that level of bullshit in their lives.

This affected my work severely as well. And as someone who works online, the fact that I ever put myself in a position where I've had my cybersecurity breached this badly will always look poorly on my. I am so lucky to have maintained the work I have and to have gained the new gigs I've gained since I finally got back online.

But, it's really, really hard man. I am always so scared of being fucked with this way again. I was into some subjects in cybersecurity and hacking to begin with. Now I spend more time researching that and fucking around with my devices and programs than actually working. I don't have much trust for most people. I try to not let this change my behaviours in things like "yes you can use my phone" or computer or things for a bit. But I'm always so scared of some liferuiner coming to take my already shitty situation and wreck it even more AGAIN.

I feel so distraught all the time. So misunderstood. I feel like people hate me. I miss everyone and the things I was so proud of so much. I truly love Bluelight. So much. To the point I will never leave this place for good (although I've thought about it) because this is like sanctuary for me. So much of my development as a person happened here with you guys, I can't go. Ever.

In my personal life.. I am lonlier than ever. I need someone to be close with. I do mean a man. I'm most comfortable with a good man in my life. Someone I can grow with.

I generally like a partner who's a bit older. even a fair bit older than me. I look for guys who are wiser and stabler than I am. That's an aim I tend to make even with who I pick as my friends. Some of them. I need people to learn from and I've learned that I can offer a whole life experience and my skills to people in a personally gratuitous way too.

I value people for who they are as much as I can, and I want to be good to others too. This is what I aim for anyway. Of course I don't always make the mark. Not even often, if you start aiming to perfection. Relationships in all their forms are tough work. They are work too, and that's bi-directional to move in and out of the relationships with the people we hold so dear. I miss my men, or my man the most.

A swath of angular body structure, with the neck resonant to his masculine voice - rumbling to be touched. His solid chest, muscled and big as I am to rise and fall evenly with sleep - as he is the warm body which is saving me a space in our bed. I crawl in next to him and I hug him close. I rest my head on his chest and my forehead into his neck, to his jaw line. He wraps his arms around my body and we mess around for a bit adjusting our bodies and limbs to get comfortable. I can sleep this way so easily, and so well. I miss this feeling so much. And all the other ways we can share a bed. We don't have to be touching. Sometimes I can lay down next to you, just watching you. When you've found your way this far into my heart, I'm here for you. As you are, or me. Or you were... I'm so sorry it didn't work out..

I'm crying writing this....

I miss having someone to talk to. I miss his interests and his desires and dreams.

I long to go places like I used to with him. For whatever needed to be done, done together. To go somewhere, just to be there. Maybe there's a story to this landmark, maybe not. Either way were there to hold the fort between us. Just for then, and to say what we need to say to each other. Or nothing at all. Sweet silence to equality.

I miss having someone to love and care for, in respect to that same thing being given freely in return.

And the same to everyone who's here, or in my life otherwise who's not a romantic partner. That's a different version of the last few paragraphs to write.. But I feel so fucked up now and empty. Like a failure. I've truly failed everyone.

your feelings are so valid but you are far from a failure, getting up and breathing after and during all you went/go through, to share all this gives me a sense that you are far far from that, a beautiful soul that hurts , wants to be loved and have that sense of belonging, i might be the looney noob but i sure know so many that care and miss you, when i see you post, people seem to always respond and show care.......... well this day was a total waste off make up~whipes eyes in compassion and being able to relate. You are NEVER TLDR!

 

[Sksjdjeisnfkeishz]

You are going to be ok. Ive also realized ive got a lot in common with you. I used to struggle with alcohol and drugs bad especially alcohol. Ive been struggling with mental health problems for over five years now.

I have no significant other and i feel lonely too. I like guys older than me too. I currently have a crush on this guy whos 31 and im 18. Ive always liked guys older than me even when i was little .

Ive been told by multiple people good things come to those who wait. Ive been told by multiple people your not gonna find someone you truly love if you are looking. If you pay no mind to it someone you really like will come into your picture.

I cant drive either. Been wanting to since i was 15. I struggled with mental health problems really bad and was in and out of placements for years and my dad has always been a workaholic so there was never really time for me to learn how to drive.

I used to feel like a failure. But i dont anymore. I know im young and you probably think i dont understand and havent been through shit but i have. I understand. You are not alone. Things will get better. They did for me.

Ive been through traumatic shit too. For me my PTSD has gotten a lot better over the years. A lot of times these days its not even noticeable. But sometimes at night when im trying to sleep i think im going through something again and im too scared to open my eyes. Sometimes you just gotta open your eyes, if your ptsd situation isnt like that still try and realize that its not likely going to happen again. Its understandable to feel paranoid but sometimes you gotta snap yourself out of it.

Ive been hacked before too multiple times. Never as severely as you. The school cops used to go through my shit as a kid because i was really addicted and mentally sick and running away and attempting suicide and all that shit. I had a lot of embarassing shit on there related to mental illness. These days i hope they dont go through my shit now but sometimes i think they do. I dont have anything like nudes never have but i got goofy pictures and videos and personal information i share with my friends.

On games ive been hacked into and one time this person pretended to be me and started seeking attention and that shit made me mad. Yeah its a game but i had online friends on there and some of them didnt believe that wasnt me.

I forgot what i was going to tell you but now i remember. Ive not been believed about some of the shit ive been through too especially traumatic situations. Ive been sexually assaulted by multiple people. Been chased by strangers twice when i ran away, technically three times (third time i ran away from a mental hospital. Had stolen card and keys and scanned my way out the hospital and a nurse ran after me). The other two times i ran away from home and i was out on the streets at night and got chased by crazy crackheads. Ive been in handcuffs and shackles, ive overdosed on a shit ton of pills and almost died. Ive been not believed about all of this and theres more shit too.

Let them fuckers not believe. There will always be atleast someone who believes you. I believe you and so do other people. Crazy shit happens i know. Our lives could be a tv show. I promise shit will get better.

Going back to loneliness, (sorry for jumping all over the place) try working more hours or getting a second job. I love work now. I have coworkers there that are like family. Maybe you should try and hang out with some people at work in your free time. Hell you dont even gotta do that you can just talk to them while working.

What helps me get through tough times is knowing there are always better days ahead. Yeah some days will be shitty but you gotta look on the bright side. Pm me if you want to talk about anything.

 

[nznity]

*drops jaw* tldr damn

 

[Joey]

*drops jaw* tldr damn

Hey mister. I'm having a long ass meltdown here and crying, so tldr isn't allowed. You actually are supposed to read this to your mother or next closest of kin if she's unavailable in a Donald Duck voice. Particularly my exposition where I'm getting into bed with my descript so as to be idealized version of my man.. He is waiting for me. For that part you cry really loud when you read. Okay?

Asshole.

 

[Shady's Fox]

Hey mister. I'm having a long ass meltdown here and crying, so tldr isn't allowed. You actually are supposed to read this to your mother or next closest of kin if she's unavailable in a Donald Duck voice. Particularly my exposition where I'm getting into bed with my descript so as to be idealized version of my man.. He is waiting for me. For that part you cry really loud when you read. Okay?

Asshole.

He tried to make a point to that he read or lemme rephrase and speak about myself, i dunn about others i know bout myself // you used same words in different sentences so many times you can't focus on the main objective, at least make it shorter but with a fist of plague

 

[Joey]

You are going to be ok. Ive also realized ive got a lot in common with you. I used to struggle with alcohol and drugs bad especially alcohol. Ive been struggling with mental health problems for over five years now.

I have no significant other and i feel lonely too. I like guys older than me too. I currently have a crush on this guy whos 31 and im 18. Ive always liked guys older than me even when i was little .

Ive been told by multiple people good things come to those who wait. Ive been told by multiple people your not gonna find someone you truly love if you are looking. If you pay no mind to it someone you really like will come into your picture.

I cant drive either. Been wanting to since i was 15. I struggled with mental health problems really bad and was in and out of placements for years and my dad has always been a workaholic so there was never really time for me to learn how to drive.

I used to feel like a failure. But i dont anymore. I know im young and you probably think i dont understand and havent been through shit but i have. I understand. You are not alone. Things will get better. They did for me.

Ive been through traumatic shit too. For me my PTSD has gotten a lot better over the years. A lot of times these days its not even noticeable. But sometimes at night when im trying to sleep i think im going through something again and im too scared to open my eyes. Sometimes you just gotta open your eyes, if your ptsd situation isnt like that still try and realize that its not likely going to happen again. Its understandable to feel paranoid but sometimes you gotta snap yourself out of it.

Ive been hacked before too multiple times. Never as severely as you. The school cops used to go through my shit as a kid because i was really addicted and mentally sick and running away and attempting suicide and all that shit. I had a lot of embarassing shit on there related to mental illness. These days i hope they dont go through my shit now but sometimes i think they do. I dont have anything like nudes never have but i got goofy pictures and videos and personal information i share with my friends.

On games ive been hacked into and one time this person pretended to be me and started seeking attention and that shit made me mad. Yeah its a game but i had online friends on there and some of them didnt believe that wasnt me.

I forgot what i was going to tell you but now i remember. Ive not been believed about some of the shit ive been through too especially traumatic situations. Ive been sexually assaulted by multiple people. Been chased by strangers twice when i ran away, technically three times (third time i ran away from a mental hospital. Had stolen card and keys and scanned my way out the hospital and a nurse ran after me). The other two times i ran away from home and i was out on the streets at night and got chased by crazy crackheads. Ive been in handcuffs and shackles, ive overdosed on a shit ton of pills and almost died. Ive been not believed about all of this and theres more shit too.

Let them fuckers not believe. There will always be atleast someone who believes you. I believe you and so do other people. Crazy shit happens i know. Our lives could be a tv show. I promise shit will get better.

Going back to loneliness, (sorry for jumping all over the place) try working more hours or getting a second job. I love work now. I have coworkers there that are like family. Maybe you should try and hang out with some people at work in your free time. Hell you dont even gotta do that you can just talk to them while working.

What helps me get through tough times is knowing there are always better days ahead. Yeah some days will be shitty but you gotta look on the bright side. Pm me if you want to talk about anything.

I wouldn't have made any judgements on your age. I can't really tell by just your writing and I'm not usually looking at peoples accounts to find out if it's posted or not. Either way, I don't make any judgements on this now either, Whatever you've been through, supposing that it actually is less than I have just because you're younger, is equally as valid to you in your life and my shit is to mine. I don't really hold judgements like that on people, usually. Everybody has their days or their people they just don't like.. just saying no one's perfectly adherent to all their values and all that all the time.

The kinds of situations you're describing are actually really familiar to me. The thing is, when someone's going through some crazy level of 'drama' and some escalation in their situtions, and they're also mentally ill and / or addicted to drugs? That's a recipe both for these disasters to happen, and also for soneone to not be taken seriously. Sometimes at best, taken seriously enough to at least be believed is also to then be told to get your shit together and "if you didn't do this and this or that and youre on drugs! blah blah blah" which is not only fucking LIKE OBVIOUSLY IM HAVING SOME ISSUES YO but completely fucking redundant and disrespectful! It's always the people you need the most too! Disparage you like garbage.

And I guess it would be the people you need the most seeing these are also the people you are reaching out to on some level, or they're reaching out to you. Just in this snooty and bullshit way.

Anyway. That stuff doesn't change just because you're a little older, or a lot. I'm gonna be 31 in a bit here and it's not only the same, it's probably even heavier and more abrasive than ever. The expectations are different of a person the older you get. Not by everyone, but in this society and this ladder we're trying to climb through these years in time going by, fuck yeah. The level of responsibility people take on generally and building that skillset to have a thicker skin and move out of these situations coolly, or not get into them to begin with. That weighs heavier and heavier with age. I'd say about 25, 30, 40 and then I notice around middle age like 55-60 ish the level of criticism people get for not having it 'together' really climbs and for smaller and smaller seeming reasons. The reasons aresn't really smaller when it's more an accumulation of your entire life coming to whatever head this prick is trying to pop off on you, but that's how it is.

At the same time, the level of acceptance and actual genuine friendship you can find, if you're able to find it, gets much better too. If you have still have someone on your side when you're older, they're probably there to stay, If you make any good friends when you're older, you've got to be aware that people who are settled don't want to to be disrupted and might drop you if you're too much, but the fact that they're there to begin with as a more settled person also says a lot. I've made some quality friendships here on Bluelight that I'll always appreciate for having. Or having had, in few cases.

This is a good site. So yeah hey I'll DM you sure. Thanks for the offer!

 

[Joey]

He tried to make a point to that he read or lemme rephrase and speak about myself, i dunn about others i know bout myself // you used same words in different sentences so many times you can't focus on the main objective, at least make it shorter but with a fist of plague

I like this new idc reaction.

For the same words in different sentences, maybe if I switched languages every few sentences then that would fix the issue?

 

[Sksjdjeisnfkeishz]

I like this new idc reaction.

For the same words in different sentences, maybe if I switched languages every few sentences then that would fix the issue?

Im on discord on the bluelight chat. My username should be madame.doodlebug

 

[Joey]

Im on discord on the bluelight chat. My username should be madame.doodlebug

Okay I'll be on in a minute here.

 

[AutoTripper]

It does often help to talk. Honest talk especially. Well done Joey on that. And a lot more obviously. Give yourself that credit too. Life isn't easy.

We don't need to put ourselves down extra nor acknowledge our genuine efforts all over.
Edit. "Nor fail to acknowledge"

Soz for confusion.

 

[nznity]

Hey mister. I'm having a long ass meltdown here and crying, so tldr isn't allowed. You actually are supposed to read this to your mother or next closest of kin if she's unavailable in a Donald Duck voice. Particularly my exposition where I'm getting into bed with my descript so as to be idealized version of my man.. He is waiting for me. For that part you cry really loud when you read. Okay?

Asshole.

Srry Alex

 

[Joey]

Srry Alex

Its okay. I took it light.

 

[golego55]

One of the most important things to me in my own happiness is in having good, loving relationships with those who are in my life. Fiends, family, those who are around me in my communities either online or off. Work even. It's really important to me to develop good relationships with the people in my life. I try to do what I can to let people know that I do see them. I do hear them. They are valued and appreciated. I do love them.

I don't always make the mark. No one does all the time. But for me I'm feeling like I've really got a lot of the most important people in my life put out, or that I've been put out through one process or another. I've lost so many this past year. A lot of this is my own fault, and some I know isn't but I'm not going to argue what it and what isn't or what events in my life went which way. That isn't the point to how I'm feeling now.

Honestly, I know I felt this way quite a bit before too. Lonely. It's escalated to a point now where I don't think I can manage anymore. I know I can't manage everything just on my own anyway, but I need to find my people. I need to find someone who I can give some of my strength and love to so that I can start to feel some of that again for my own.

I'm a mess right now and I have been for quite awhile. When I left my partner and best friend last year in March, I was devastated. I had a sketchy, but fantastic life following that breakup otherwise. I found myself in who I am and what I truly want to do with my life. I found out that I can do some great things with the knowledge base and skill set that I have- with who I am. I found myself here at Bluelight.

I became the social media and comm manager here, and I was so proud of my work. There was some issues absolutely, and I was still broken up about my relationship and I was in some precarious situations with my housing and personal situations. My drug and alcohol use was sky high and remained that way for a long time. I'm doing a bit better in that department now, but a bit better is still pretty hard core really. I have an incrediblely pervasive and massive issue with controlling my drug use and keeping myself steady through my addictions and mental health issues.

I went through some major life problems before everything got completely fucked on my end for awhile and then I disappeared.

The last major problem before this blackout was last October when I was registered with victims services in Oshawa, ON because this man I was seeing had been holding me captive at a motel. I don't drive, had no one in that area who could hold me til I could get home, and no one who would come get me. I don't mean captive as in I was locked away physically inside the motel 24/7, but that's only a step or two off of the reality of it.

About halfway through this month long ordeal I ran out to the college down the street from the motel. I had no shirt and no shoes and nothing but my guitar. I waited for the police to pick me up to take the to the hospital. They did. And they showed up at our room with guns drawn at him due to his record and what I'd reported. He had been threatening to kill me and had elaborated many times on he ways he was going to do it.

I wound up going back. There was no good and safe option for shelter. I wouldvs lost everything. All my stuff, everything. I dealt with him for a our 2 weeks or so until an.altercation between us finally caught the attention of security and he was forced to pay my cab home. $500 cab ride back home!!!

Back to another hell and to the making of anofher, even worse hell to come. I was out of my fucking mind with the trauma of all of this. I totally fucked up a meeting with Bluelight and some major Canadian harm reduction groups I was also affiliated with, on staff. Then my phone was stolen a few days after that. The complete meltdown I'd just had made a perfect storm for my hacker to fuck with me by using my accounts to send so many people so much horrible shit. I'm still dealing with picking up the pieces there. I no longer have that phone, the authorization app I used for my (and Bluelights) accounts, to 2FA into my emails and accounts needed to 2FA into the accounts I can no longer access to fix some of this.

Many of my relationships with a lot of people are completely lost. It's by far, the most fucked up, public and personal train wreck I've ever faced. I couldn't have been more fucked up here, and I know exactly who did this. I am still faced with how I will deal with this whole situation. My life only got worse from there. I wanted to badly to Ge back online and start fixing this, find out actually what had all happened here. I didn't know the full extent of how bad this was for months.

A friend of mine has backed up his chats with the Facebook account (mine) being used by my hacker to fuck with my life. This was a person who I let stay at my place for awhile, temporarily is what I'd said. Instead, he took my phone, fucked with an already terrible situation to a point I'll never be able to live down or make up to people. Some people will never believe I'm even telling the truth of what happened here with all these horrid messages that were sent to people using my device on my accounts in my home.. My friend has saved these chats and is prepared to back me up on this. This guy actually told him he had stolen and hacked my phone.

I can't get into the account because I need ID to get in now. I don't have ID. I am working on it now. It will take some time. At this point I am going to look at everything and make a backup of it all. Probably for court. I will also take the infi@bluelight email off of it.

To get into the rest of my accounts, I need to pay my phone bill with Fido who has my acct and of phone number. Once I have that number back I can start getting into more of my accounts and unravel it all. This is around $800 and I cannot afford that for the life of me...

I want to pay this bill so bad. I am so fucking upset about all of this. This situation and everything which has followed has basically ruined my life. The reception I get from people is basically what anyone gets when they're addicted to drugs and crazy shot happens. I get grilled on myself and my addictions personally. I often get disbelief. I've never gotten a hug and a "you're okay" or anything like that! It makes me so mad!

I feel like I have failed this community and everyone in it. I have a hard time posting this. Some days I have a hard time post here. I love Bluelight so much, and I'll never get to be a part of this place as I was. Ever again. That's heart breaking.

I lost all contact with Kevin. My ex. We had kept up contact after breaking up for quite awhile. He wants no contact now. I understand. I also feel like if this hadn't have happened and I was able to call more and things this would not be the case!

I don't even have his number! All.my contacts are lost in a Gmail which is tied to my old.pgone number which is $800! I know the password! It doesn't matter! I need my phone number back!

I don't have so many phone numbers and I cant get them back. There's people I just can't get a hold of anymore. I have no idea what messages or how many or how ruinous they were. The vast majority of people I've been in contact with have told me about this though. Most realized it wasn't me. The ones who aren't answering, who knows... I'm thinking that for some who can see that, they still just can't have that level of bullshit in their lives.

This affected my work severely as well. And as someone who works online, the fact that I ever put myself in a position where I've had my cybersecurity breached this badly will always look poorly on my. I am so lucky to have maintained the work I have and to have gained the new gigs I've gained since I finally got back online.

But, it's really, really hard man. I am always so scared of being fucked with this way again. I was into some subjects in cybersecurity and hacking to begin with. Now I spend more time researching that and fucking around with my devices and programs than actually working. I don't have much trust for most people. I try to not let this change my behaviours in things like "yes you can use my phone" or computer or things for a bit. But I'm always so scared of some liferuiner coming to take my already shitty situation and wreck it even more AGAIN.

I feel so distraught all the time. So misunderstood. I feel like people hate me. I miss everyone and the things I was so proud of so much. I truly love Bluelight. So much. To the point I will never leave this place for good (although I've thought about it) because this is like sanctuary for me. So much of my development as a person happened here with you guys, I can't go. Ever.

In my personal life.. I am lonlier than ever. I need someone to be close with. I do mean a man. I'm most comfortable with a good man in my life. Someone I can grow with.

I generally like a partner who's a bit older. even a fair bit older than me. I look for guys who are wiser and stabler than I am. That's an aim I tend to make even with who I pick as my friends. Some of them. I need people to learn from and I've learned that I can offer a whole life experience and my skills to people in a personally gratuitous way too.

I value people for who they are as much as I can, and I want to be good to others too. This is what I aim for anyway. Of course I don't always make the mark. Not even often, if you start aiming to perfection. Relationships in all their forms are tough work. They are work too, and that's bi-directional to move in and out of the relationships with the people we hold so dear. I miss my men, or my man the most.

A swath of angular body structure, with the neck resonant to his masculine voice - rumbling to be touched. His solid chest, muscled and big as I am to rise and fall evenly with sleep - as he is the warm body which is saving me a space in our bed. I crawl in next to him and I hug him close. I rest my head on his chest and my forehead into his neck, to his jaw line. He wraps his arms around my body and we mess around for a bit adjusting our bodies and limbs to get comfortable. I can sleep this way so easily, and so well. I miss this feeling so much. And all the other ways we can share a bed. We don't have to be touching. Sometimes I can lay down next to you, just watching you. When you've found your way this far into my heart, I'm here for you. As you are, or me. Or you were... I'm so sorry it didn't work out..

I'm crying writing this....

I miss having someone to talk to. I miss his interests and his desires and dreams.

I long to go places like I used to with him. For whatever needed to be done, done together. To go somewhere, just to be there. Maybe there's a story to this landmark, maybe not. Either way were there to hold the fort between us. Just for then, and to say what we need to say to each other. Or nothing at all. Sweet silence to equals in equanimity.

I miss having someone to love and care for, in respect to that same thing being given freely in return.

And the same to everyone who's here, or in my life otherwise who's not a romantic partner. That's a different version of the last few paragraphs to write.. But I feel so fucked up now and empty. Like a failure. I've truly failed everyone.

I know it's a relative question (and maybe an absurd one) but it's been a while since you posted in this thread (about 2 months): Have things improved for you (in regards to the situations you described in this thread)?

 

[Fourofakind]

How are you right now @Joey?

I readed all the post and i feel you, same happened to me, now with my business (idk how its in english, press?, a place to print any kind of papers and plastics, etc. for publicitary use commonly), and my character most days, its hard to find ppl even to get a little social, this last since i was studying biochemical engineer, 7 years ago, I was with a girl that i known at the school, she graduated as systems engineer, rn is working in a cable fabric cutting a lot of cables in a machine, its better paid than be unemployed becouse my estate condition of low value added product -maybe im not writing the right term in english-, that is generalized in Mexico, a very rich and with potential nation, that depreciated the investment in offer quality student formation and support, plus the lack of comprension of why the economy is growing but the money is getting extremely less value last 50+ years, maybe even the Russia invasion to Ukranie can help to restore economies like México if the worldwide supply of wheat will calm down the crysis of the pandemic in tourism and general worldwide commercial ativities, but its worrying that we are not doing 2 essential things right now: Put the conditions to attract investment, approaching the high price of dollar, eur, gbp, and improve actual commercial movements lowering taxes, being flexible at the burocratic process, but most of us avoid taxes and its relative illegal, becouse im selling a manufactured product its supossed that you will increase the IVA 16% over the price and declare in your business costs, to get a balance that im sure most than half business in the nation, as the employees are, without any legal prestation, but you can offer cheaper prices with prices before IVA, only if the buyer ask for a invoice, thats around 1/6 buyers, becouse most of us are avoiding taxes hahaha.

Well, i will really want to go for some meth, and im awaiting a payment thats processed in 1 hour or 2, have almost 2 days clean, i was mad today, idk why, i commonly stop daily ISRS and benzo when im not doing meth absolutely and that worsens my comedowns, but im trying to get ok with my life, at the end, i have enjoyed so much things, and being so misserable so much time, and have the posibility to be in a balance, makes me feel less anxious, after knowing the limitations of the poorness and economical disease.

Be good with yourself, and dont give a f about so much things you are worrying, is useless, i found that social interaction even have an over valuated position in the american and much more hispanic american countries, my sister lived in Uruguay and is well known that their interactions are more like-european, and its something cold and dry almost any social interaction, it can be worse or an advantage for you, its something interesting to see the "pros" in the adverse situations, its when maybe you can see your real capbilities, that after that hard period its admirable how you can prove yourself, but sometimes that create an impulse, talking about me, to start a project, or an idea, where i dedicate for years about being autodidactively professional, becouse of the nature area, commerce mostly, isnt relevant your university studies, that im everyday more wishing to end my studies at a symilar career, but i have been very lazy and conformist becouse generally had got good results, not even to get rich or dont need to work anymore hahaha, and my really stupid personal economical decitions, until today, have me put in sad miserable situations, and generally stops me from being auto-gestion in some areas that im depending of other comerces to finish my products, but thats think about another place, even employee ppl, and i was a shame in the responsabilities depratment, at least is getting better and after all, there is job everyday and money to get, without the effort of most ppl do in shitty mexican jobs, thanks god i had worked around 1 and a half year of all my life to others by contract and legal prestations, and its a shit of salary becouse the taxes on the salary, and when a particular gives you an offer for a job directly and dont report it to govt, you get much more of the money, but its still depressive becouse you cant grow even to buy a little house in 20 years working and living in human conditions with your own salary ONLY.

Your original posted give me a little headache, mine is with the prupose or send back the headache

I know that the kind of girl i want for a long term relationship, and i know i dont want to work to found her, i know if i wait most probably i will wait foreva, and my other alternative is get back to school, maybe even more to find a girl to get her company and make mid-long term plans together, i like that, generally in solid year relationships or nothing, becouse i feel more the company and the support of another one, than the sex or their bodies, for pleasure i preffer narcotics or combination of drugs, (or sex drugs and nothing to do combination, thats purrrfect but non permisible to do all the life, or every day at the life, or even depend of that for my wellness) i know how at limits and self care are drugs non damaging in my body, but sometimes you can affirm that, doesnt have relevance or is destroying another dept., like economical stablity in my case.

Blessings, and hoping to read an answer by you.

 

[emkee_reinvented]

Recognizable, missing someone: be it a loved one, friends or kid's.
For me they were all lost in a sec, actually some years. Friends were the first, then my ex and as a result of a un-rightful separation now my kid's. No Child judge involved.

But try to keep it up, the leak i mean. There are other means of getting trust and interaction with new people. Over here ther is volunteer jobs, take care farm's and neighborhood support.

Also try to keep up not relying on drugs, as it seems a mayor block in the way.

 

[SoCalShordie]

One of the most important things to me in my own happiness is in having good, loving relationships with those who are in my life. Fiends, family, those who are around me in my communities either online or off. Work even. It's really important to me to develop good relationships with the people in my life. I try to do what I can to let people know that I do see them. I do hear them. They are valued and appreciated. I do love them.

I don't always make the mark. No one does all the time. But for me I'm feeling like I've really got a lot of the most important people in my life put out, or that I've been put out through one process or another. I've lost so many this past year. A lot of this is my own fault, and some I know isn't but I'm not going to argue what it and what isn't or what events in my life went which way. That isn't the point to how I'm feeling now.

Honestly, I know I felt this way quite a bit before too. Lonely. It's escalated to a point now where I don't think I can manage anymore. I know I can't manage everything just on my own anyway, but I need to find my people. I need to find someone who I can give some of my strength and love to so that I can start to feel some of that again for my own.

I'm a mess right now and I have been for quite awhile. When I left my partner and best friend last year in March, I was devastated. I had a sketchy, but fantastic life following that breakup otherwise. I found myself in who I am and what I truly want to do with my life. I found out that I can do some great things with the knowledge base and skill set that I have- with who I am. I found myself here at Bluelight.

I became the social media and comm manager here, and I was so proud of my work. There was some issues absolutely, and I was still broken up about my relationship and I was in some precarious situations with my housing and personal situations. My drug and alcohol use was sky high and remained that way for a long time. I'm doing a bit better in that department now, but a bit better is still pretty hard core really. I have an incrediblely pervasive and massive issue with controlling my drug use and keeping myself steady through my addictions and mental health issues.

I went through some major life problems before everything got completely fucked on my end for awhile and then I disappeared.

The last major problem before this blackout was last October when I was registered with victims services in Oshawa, ON because this man I was seeing had been holding me captive at a motel. I don't drive, had no one in that area who could hold me til I could get home, and no one who would come get me. I don't mean captive as in I was locked away physically inside the motel 24/7, but that's only a step or two off of the reality of it.

About halfway through this month long ordeal I ran out to the college down the street from the motel. I had no shirt and no shoes and nothing but my guitar. I waited for the police to pick me up to take the to the hospital. They did. And they showed up at our room with guns drawn at him due to his record and what I'd reported. He had been threatening to kill me and had elaborated many times on he ways he was going to do it.

I wound up going back. There was no good and safe option for shelter. I wouldvs lost everything. All my stuff, everything. I dealt with him for a our 2 weeks or so until an.altercation between us finally caught the attention of security and he was forced to pay my cab home. $500 cab ride back home!!!

Back to another hell and to the making of anofher, even worse hell to come. I was out of my fucking mind with the trauma of all of this. I totally fucked up a meeting with Bluelight and some major Canadian harm reduction groups I was also affiliated with, on staff. Then my phone was stolen a few days after that. The complete meltdown I'd just had made a perfect storm for my hacker to fuck with me by using my accounts to send so many people so much horrible shit. I'm still dealing with picking up the pieces there. I no longer have that phone, the authorization app I used for my (and Bluelights) accounts, to 2FA into my emails and accounts needed to 2FA into the accounts I can no longer access to fix some of this.

Many of my relationships with a lot of people are completely lost. It's by far, the most fucked up, public and personal train wreck I've ever faced. I couldn't have been more fucked up here, and I know exactly who did this. I am still faced with how I will deal with this whole situation. My life only got worse from there. I wanted to badly to Ge back online and start fixing this, find out actually what had all happened here. I didn't know the full extent of how bad this was for months.

A friend of mine has backed up his chats with the Facebook account (mine) being used by my hacker to fuck with my life. This was a person who I let stay at my place for awhile, temporarily is what I'd said. Instead, he took my phone, fucked with an already terrible situation to a point I'll never be able to live down or make up to people. Some people will never believe I'm even telling the truth of what happened here with all these horrid messages that were sent to people using my device on my accounts in my home.. My friend has saved these chats and is prepared to back me up on this. This guy actually told him he had stolen and hacked my phone.

I can't get into the account because I need ID to get in now. I don't have ID. I am working on it now. It will take some time. At this point I am going to look at everything and make a backup of it all. Probably for court. I will also take the infi@bluelight email off of it.

To get into the rest of my accounts, I need to pay my phone bill with Fido who has my acct and of phone number. Once I have that number back I can start getting into more of my accounts and unravel it all. This is around $800 and I cannot afford that for the life of me...

I want to pay this bill so bad. I am so fucking upset about all of this. This situation and everything which has followed has basically ruined my life. The reception I get from people is basically what anyone gets when they're addicted to drugs and crazy shot happens. I get grilled on myself and my addictions personally. I often get disbelief. I've never gotten a hug and a "you're okay" or anything like that! It makes me so mad!

I feel like I have failed this community and everyone in it. I have a hard time posting this. Some days I have a hard time post here. I love Bluelight so much, and I'll never get to be a part of this place as I was. Ever again. That's heart breaking.

I lost all contact with Kevin. My ex. We had kept up contact after breaking up for quite awhile. He wants no contact now. I understand. I also feel like if this hadn't have happened and I was able to call more and things this would not be the case!

I don't even have his number! All.my contacts are lost in a Gmail which is tied to my old.pgone number which is $800! I know the password! It doesn't matter! I need my phone number back!

I don't have so many phone numbers and I cant get them back. There's people I just can't get a hold of anymore. I have no idea what messages or how many or how ruinous they were. The vast majority of people I've been in contact with have told me about this though. Most realized it wasn't me. The ones who aren't answering, who knows... I'm thinking that for some who can see that, they still just can't have that level of bullshit in their lives.

This affected my work severely as well. And as someone who works online, the fact that I ever put myself in a position where I've had my cybersecurity breached this badly will always look poorly on my. I am so lucky to have maintained the work I have and to have gained the new gigs I've gained since I finally got back online.

But, it's really, really hard man. I am always so scared of being fucked with this way again. I was into some subjects in cybersecurity and hacking to begin with. Now I spend more time researching that and fucking around with my devices and programs than actually working. I don't have much trust for most people. I try to not let this change my behaviours in things like "yes you can use my phone" or computer or things for a bit. But I'm always so scared of some liferuiner coming to take my already shitty situation and wreck it even more AGAIN.

I feel so distraught all the time. So misunderstood. I feel like people hate me. I miss everyone and the things I was so proud of so much. I truly love Bluelight. So much. To the point I will never leave this place for good (although I've thought about it) because this is like sanctuary for me. So much of my development as a person happened here with you guys, I can't go. Ever.

In my personal life.. I am lonlier than ever. I need someone to be close with. I do mean a man. I'm most comfortable with a good man in my life. Someone I can grow with.

I generally like a partner who's a bit older. even a fair bit older than me. I look for guys who are wiser and stabler than I am. That's an aim I tend to make even with who I pick as my friends. Some of them. I need people to learn from and I've learned that I can offer a whole life experience and my skills to people in a personally gratuitous way too.

I value people for who they are as much as I can, and I want to be good to others too. This is what I aim for anyway. Of course I don't always make the mark. Not even often, if you start aiming to perfection. Relationships in all their forms are tough work. They are work too, and that's bi-directional to move in and out of the relationships with the people we hold so dear. I miss my men, or my man the most.

A swath of angular body structure, with the neck resonant to his masculine voice - rumbling to be touched. His solid chest, muscled and big as I am to rise and fall evenly with sleep - as he is the warm body which is saving me a space in our bed. I crawl in next to him and I hug him close. I rest my head on his chest and my forehead into his neck, to his jaw line. He wraps his arms around my body and we mess around for a bit adjusting our bodies and limbs to get comfortable. I can sleep this way so easily, and so well. I miss this feeling so much. And all the other ways we can share a bed. We don't have to be touching. Sometimes I can lay down next to you, just watching you. When you've found your way this far into my heart, I'm here for you. As you are, or me. Or you were... I'm so sorry it didn't work out..

I'm crying writing this....

I miss having someone to talk to. I miss his interests and his desires and dreams.

I long to go places like I used to with him. For whatever needed to be done, done together. To go somewhere, just to be there. Maybe there's a story to this landmark, maybe not. Either way were there to hold the fort between us. Just for then, and to say what we need to say to each other. Or nothing at all. Sweet silence to equals in equanimity.

I miss having someone to love and care for, in respect to that same thing being given freely in return.

And the same to everyone who's here, or in my life otherwise who's not a romantic partner. That's a different version of the last few paragraphs to write.. But I feel so fucked up now and empty. Like a failure. I've truly failed everyone.

I can understand & sympathize with you so much here. I’m almost 30 & I’ve been a regular drug addict since I was 18. That plus the amount of trauma & fucked-up-ness that would break the scale, this can be a very lonely life for sure. For people like us. I too feel a lot of guilt & shame almost constantly. But I do have BPD so I try to cope by telling myself some of my feelings are just felt so the extreme & im stronger than I believe at the time. I’ve also been in 2 very physically abusive relationships with men. I, too often than not, also feel like I’ve completely & thoroughly let everyone down. Hit my private messages if u ever need to talk. U don’t even know how much I can relate to your post

 

[Ds]

Same here @Joey , I'm a slut, it doesn't quite fill that void. There isn't any kissing your SO before work, it's not like that.

I think having a soulmate is important, gay, bi, trans ,straight etc people can relate that it fucking sucks being alone, regardless.