TDS Introduce Yourself! Version: Hello! Hola! Bonjour! 你好!

[n3ophy7e]

Hi everyone,

Not sure if I’m posting right or replying to someone’s post. I’m a long time lurker of Bluelight. Finally registered and got an account because shit is going off the rails and I don’t know what to do about it.

I’ve been struggling with opiate addiction, then pregabalin addiction for over 7 years now. About 4 years ago I decided to drop a bomb on my life-move 500km, self report myself to my regulatory college, file for sole custody. It’s been an absolute disaster and in terms of achieving my objective- sobriety, all I’ve done is get much better at hiding my using.

But I’m fucked. I know it. I’ve been to inpatient treatment, 100’s of NA meetings (gag me), MAT, CBT, DBT. All of these things help for a while and then shit goes side ways…

Right now I’m in a pretty bad bout of severe self isolation. The only social interaction I have is going to work and even then it’s a struggle to force myself to go. My using isn’t crazy- 2mg suboxone a day/300mg pregabalin (both prescribed) but the agoraphobia, difficultly with task initiation, no motivation, is killing me and my problems are slowly adding up.

I donno what to do. I don’t know how to fix my problems so I guess reaching out to strangers on the internet seems fairly logical. I hope I can help someone else here too. I sincerely hope anyone reading this is in a better place in their life then I am. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

God bless,
-E

Hi there, welcome to Bluelight. I'm glad you found us and created an account. If/when you feel ready, you could start your own thread if you want, so that others can comment on your situation and perhaps offer advice? It's up to you of course. I hope you find solace here. If you need any help please reach out to any of us moderators xxx

 

[Eligiu]

Long time lurker and recent more active poster. I joined back in 2017 when I started shooting up regularly for harm reduction advice but ended up in rehab by Augustish and then found the forums too triggering. I relapsed December last year and decided to come through and hang out mainly in the recovery side of the forum to keep my focus on the end goal.

I was using very heavily in Jan/Feb (4-5 times a week) but I've cranked that back to once a week, which I'm really happy with.

I know a lot about mental health, it's one of my special interests with being autistic. Especially mental health issues which are more unusual or difficult to manage/treat. I also have a lot of experience with various eating disorders from personal struggles as well as friends, and self harm (alongside drugs).

My main drug of choice is heroin/opiates if given the chance, though my city has always been dry. As a result I use a lot of meth, which I don't like but I can shoot up so it suffices.

I recently realised that I wouldn't term my substance use issues as anything approaching a drug addiction - I stopped using IV meth and heroin basically on a whim in 2017 when my life got hectic and I made the choice to front up to my behaviour with some friends from uni and face their disappointment, which I did. And then with their help I sobered up and eventually found my way to rehab.

I hit a hell of a snag though. My friends all (understandably) viewed me shooting up meth and heroin as the 'DO NOT ENGAGE' behaviours. Weed was tolerated perfectly fine, alcohol was somewhat encouraged by them buying it for me, cough syrup none of them understood but considered it very 'me' while self harm was tactfully permitted as a way of allowing me to communicate (due to my autism, I find it hard to find the words to express how I feel emotionally. By cutting I could prompt a friend to ask me how I felt, which I could then answer) by most of them, though the more severe third degree burns were treated more severely. The deliberate starvation was considered a quirk that needed rectification through purchasing me food.

So this two tiered system caused me to avoid the big NO NO behaviours, while constantly (since entering rehab in 2017) engaging in one or another of the bottom tier ones.

And the cause for all of them, both the top and bottom tier is exactly the same - self punishment. So addressing the top tier just embeds the bottom tier behaviours more viciously and avoiding the bottom tier just causes the top to be more engaged in.

I realised I had to treat all of them the same, no tiered system anymore, and my friends had to accept that too. But I told them to stand back and stop trying to interfere because it was some of them interfering which got me to where I am with this in the first place.

It's a confusing place to be, because some people I try to explain it to adamantly refuse to consider my point of view and my lived experience with my own conditions. They suggest I 'just stop doing meth' while ignoring the fact that yes, I very well could' but I'll undoubtedly be inflicting myself with a severe burn in the not to distant future shortly after that.

It would be really nice to connect with another person who shares this type of addictive behaviour (that is, an addiction to being self destructive rather than any one substance) in order to discuss strategies to manage this. Because I tried switching to another ROA, but that was destined to fail as to me there's zero point engaging in the drug use if not intravenously and it's a damn shame.

I would honestly love to quit it specifically. I feel a huge amount of shame and internalised self hatred around shooting up due to the stigma, and I really don't like sitting in my room alone every week prepping a shot and going through the process knowing I'll be disappointed, inevitably.

So that's me. Long, but I always do that. I hope I can help some people who are struggling with their addictions to, I may be using but I do consider myself in recovery despite that as I am in active drug and alcohol counselling on a fortnightly basis, and my end goal is still a drug free life. 12 step programmes don't have a monopoly on the word recovery, it's different for everyone and I've been in it more or less since 17 so I've got a lot of experience to offer.

 

[foxymethoxyxoxo]

Hi, I'm Foxy.
i have no idea what my email was or what happened to my old account but idc better to start off new.

I have been an off and on user of meth and other things (sometimes ket every so often, weed when off meth, benzos) and it's quite defeated my life. I had a fairly successful life career going in the US government at a three letter agency but a lot of what I experienced in Afghanistan, as an operative and speaker of the tongue, made me shift from wanting to support my country to sort of realizing the just... badness we caused. This has created some serious PTSD and trauma that is still ongoing and has, after a couple concussions, also exacerbated bipolar and BPD issues I have. I have a feeling the drug use may have contributed well, it certainly did, but I have been doing better.

I am a veteran and have many sortie hours in combat over Afghanistan earlier in the previous decade. Since I got out over mental health issues, coping with what I did and how many people I led to hurt has seriously devastated my ability to not relapse, etc. I want to say this in case any other veterans have these issues, since we often hear of homelessness and alcoholism; but a lot of us turned to hard drugs, y'know? And an otherwise successful young person with the ability to pick up languages quickly and could be the top of their class in any subject can be mentally torn apart by war and the effects of it and end up homeless. I had the option to continue, numb my empathy, and be making $100k+/yr at the moment being an intelligence contractor for Palantir or some other horrible company, but I chose to follow my ethics and conscience and would rather be homeless than have to hurt or kill anymore people, and so here I am broke and near homeless haha. But my conscience is clear and though I deal with the scars of the past I am committed to a life of education and nonviolence. '

I have a lot of experience in pharmacology, harm reduction, and care over the years since I like to both study and enjoy the therapeutic side of tripsitting and the like. I owe a lot to the tripsit irc back in the day.

I want to be sober but life makes it hard when it's so easy to just ignore all the stress with a line or two. I keep trying, though.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Hi, I'm Foxy.
i have no idea what my email was or what happened to my old account but idc better to start off new.

I have been an off and on user of meth and other things (sometimes ket every so often, weed when off meth, benzos) and it's quite defeated my life. I had a fairly successful life career going in the US government at a three letter agency but a lot of what I experienced in Afghanistan, as an operative and speaker of the tongue, made me shift from wanting to support my country to sort of realizing the just... badness we caused. This has created some serious PTSD and trauma that is still ongoing and has, after a couple concussions, also exacerbated bipolar and BPD issues I have. I have a feeling the drug use may have contributed well, it certainly did, but I have been doing better.

I am a veteran and have many sortie hours in combat over Afghanistan earlier in the previous decade. Since I got out over mental health issues, coping with what I did and how many people I led to hurt has seriously devastated my ability to not relapse, etc. I want to say this in case any other veterans have these issues, since we often hear of homelessness and alcoholism; but a lot of us turned to hard drugs, y'know? And an otherwise successful young person with the ability to pick up languages quickly and could be the top of their class in any subject can be mentally torn apart by war and the effects of it and end up homeless. I had the option to continue, numb my empathy, and be making $100k+/yr at the moment being an intelligence contractor for Palantir or some other horrible company, but I chose to follow my ethics and conscience and would rather be homeless than have to hurt or kill anymore people, and so here I am broke and near homeless haha. But my conscience is clear and though I deal with the scars of the past I am committed to a life of education and nonviolence. '

I have a lot of experience in pharmacology, harm reduction, and care over the years since I like to both study and enjoy the therapeutic side of tripsitting and the like. I owe a lot to the tripsit irc back in the day.

I want to be sober but life makes it hard when it's so easy to just ignore all the stress with a line or two. I keep trying, though.

Welcome back to Bluelight. I hope you stick around. And congrats for having the strength within to heal yourself from your past traumas.