gibberish-noise
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2021
- Messages
- 147
I'll preface with a disclaimer: I've self harmed in a variety of ways throughout my life. Yet there is a certain satisfaction in blood - that moment when the vein is pierced and the pressure flows out - that nothing else, bar a very good oxy, can give me. So far I've been good about limiting my substance use (any ROA or sort, even weed or alcohol) to two highs (whether polysubstance or a single drug per high) weekly. But I fear that I'm becoming addicted to the needle the same way I fell into other forms of self harm. The blood, the ritual, the feeling. My technique is fairly decent and so there are minimal marks. Whereas with other, more visible forms of self harm, the social consequences are immediate and eternal. Worst case scenario, you get sectioned. Having stopped or greatly reduced most other forms of release (or self harm as most consider it), I've gradually began sticking myself more often than I'd prefer.
Which brings me to my question - what are some methods you have used to reduce needle use? Not necessarily switching up ROA as the two aren't always correlated for me. I find that I enjoy every aspect, from the searching and poking about to the relief and release when I register and hit. Even without any active substance, I will often reuse needles (11 times in one night has been my limit simply because the needle became too dull to puncture short of stabbing myself and at that point I'd blow through the vein) and inject saline solution or just drabble about with registering and flushing. I don't know how to adequately explain the thrill I get when I draw up and a plume of blood meanders into the column.
I try to rotate sites (though I'd be lying if I said that the ditch doesn't tempt me on the daily), practise good hygiene (I stop using an alcohol swab once it gets dry or is visibly soiled) and aftercare (vitamins, exercise, staying hydrated). I don't want to fuck my veins up. But the later I go, the worse it gets. I rinse the syringe with tap water, pay little heed to proper technique, rationalise 'just one more' with a questionably-still-useful swab and blunt needle tip.
It's the 'just one more' that gets me. Every time, I set out with a firm intention: one needle, one poke. When I fail to register on the first try, that rule expands itself to 'one needle, one register' and then when I register and lose the spot, 'one needle, one hit'. And then it's 'just one more'. And round and round we go. I've spent far too many hours late at night chasing that one moment when I had work early the next morning. I'm going to fail my exams like a complete twat because I prioritised that one moment over my studies.
What do you to to quell the needle craving? Nothing else I've tried pushes quite the same brain buttons.
Which brings me to my question - what are some methods you have used to reduce needle use? Not necessarily switching up ROA as the two aren't always correlated for me. I find that I enjoy every aspect, from the searching and poking about to the relief and release when I register and hit. Even without any active substance, I will often reuse needles (11 times in one night has been my limit simply because the needle became too dull to puncture short of stabbing myself and at that point I'd blow through the vein) and inject saline solution or just drabble about with registering and flushing. I don't know how to adequately explain the thrill I get when I draw up and a plume of blood meanders into the column.
I try to rotate sites (though I'd be lying if I said that the ditch doesn't tempt me on the daily), practise good hygiene (I stop using an alcohol swab once it gets dry or is visibly soiled) and aftercare (vitamins, exercise, staying hydrated). I don't want to fuck my veins up. But the later I go, the worse it gets. I rinse the syringe with tap water, pay little heed to proper technique, rationalise 'just one more' with a questionably-still-useful swab and blunt needle tip.
It's the 'just one more' that gets me. Every time, I set out with a firm intention: one needle, one poke. When I fail to register on the first try, that rule expands itself to 'one needle, one register' and then when I register and lose the spot, 'one needle, one hit'. And then it's 'just one more'. And round and round we go. I've spent far too many hours late at night chasing that one moment when I had work early the next morning. I'm going to fail my exams like a complete twat because I prioritised that one moment over my studies.
What do you to to quell the needle craving? Nothing else I've tried pushes quite the same brain buttons.
