Youre not alone--A story of me, an addiction, and methoxetamine.
If you are someone struggling with an addiction to MXE, whether you realize it or not, this is written for you as a retrospective report of what can happen when large ammounts of MXE meet up with a lack of self control and an unbreakable sense of denial to the whole matter.
If you are amidst a current addiction to this chemical, please I heavily advise you to slow or stop usage for a good ammount of time. Its messing you up more than you probably realize. Please also know youre not alone in this.
Dissociatives addicts are small in number compared to opiate, benzo, stimulant, etc. addicts, and as such most people are unfamiliar with exactly what effect a dissociative addiction can slowly do to the psyche, but it is honestly one of the most psychologicaly damaging addictions I can think of. On top of that the fact that few people even like dissociation enough to become addicted to that kind of state can make someone who has fallen victim to the clutches of dissociative addiction feel like theyre on their own with this battle, but please if you are struggling, know that you are not alone.
Also I want to note that while I have control issues with MXE, I do have a lot of faith in its potential as a theraputic aid in combating acute depression because it really does work for this and it is a masterpiece of a chemical, but it's tricky and if you ever decide to pick up any sizeable ammount of MXE you gotta make sure you never turn your back on it, because it WILL sneak up on you until youre leaving in the middle of class/work to go to the bathroom and get zooted before continuing.
That being said heres the scoop...
The whole story begins about a year ago. Me and my trip-buddy had been toying around with various psychedelics, both classic ones and newer research chemicals...basically anything that made you trip/put you in a trippy place. Then when browsing our selections we came accross MXE and decided to go with it not because wed heard wonderful things about it, but because our experience with dissasociatives was slim compared to psychedelic experience and because of how dirt-cheap it was. (I cant give actual prices but this stuff is about a dollar or two per high; a big reason why I got hooked). When that 1g bag arrived I had no idea the relationship and eventually dependance Id develop with this chem. The experience that the mxe high presented itself was only maybe a 6/10 but this drug had two HUGE benefits over other drugs in my collection.
-It was short-lasting; over within 4 hours and therefore could easily fit into time slots where other drugs like LSD would last too long.
-There didnt seem to be any negative effects the day after and I always woke up feeling great.
The first time I tried it it was nice but nothing incredible, at least not to me. I did it from time to time after that without issue for a few months and was completely fine and happy. It wasnt until my GF and I got into a huge fight that the drugs addictive potential became more apparent.
At the time I feared she would leave me and my emotional state was in the shitter, but then one day, mulling in my depression I decided I wanted to get fucked up cause that fixes all problems right?...so I blew some MXE....WOW what a difference emotionally. It wasnt like I forgot about the fight but MXE made me soo even-keal and it made the voice in my head (which at this time was singular, not plural) say "everything is ok".
Well if things had stopped there they would be fine now, but this was not what happened. I kept up usage, about 2-3 times a week, even after the fight was resolved, until I ran out of MXE and the usage stopped for a few months, but it was too late, my brain had found its favorite go-to snack and its emotional crutch which is why 3 months later when I started college I was fine until the stress of first semester midterms caused me to seek a non-weed escape in the nights where I found 4hour or greater pockets of time.
Towards the beginning of this use higher doses (40-140mg) were more appealing and the urge to repeat the experience was satiated for a greater ammount of time after these instances. M-holes were powerful and brought back long-encased memories of my early childhood, and these provided valuable insights into my life especcially when used in conjunction with psychedelics; particularly 2C-I, but the real addiction was when, after daily usage, these doses stopped giving me anything valuable at all and instead just induced an unpleasant high and 4-hour headache. Soon I began using 15-25mg doses instead and these provided a pleasnt high which didnt interfere cognitively with me and I was even able to attend class and act 100% normal on it all the time which was both wonderful and a curse. Despite its apparent benign-ness physically, constantly having yourself in a dissociated state is far from healthy. After having experienced it first hand I can tell you this:
The word dissociative couldnt be a better fit for what it does to you over time. By the end of my spurt, i was barely able to hold conversations that made any sense to anyone but me. My sense of social sarcasm also fell apart. I couldnt tell if I should be laughing or not when someone was being sarcastic, and it really made me (already an akward and introverted person) almost socially retarded. Also It made me emotionally unstable as hell and would go from zero to a hundred in 2 seconds, whether that meant feeling glee or anger. For example I won a round of smash brothers and was on a level almost similar to rolling for abou an hour. But this also meant that something as small as bumping my forhead, even if the physical pain was negligable, I would become furious instantly and it would last for a while. On top of all this, and this is perhaps the scariest effect, my concious seemed to begin to split into two. By that I mean this:
You know that voice in your head which is really just your thoughts? You know, the voice that says "its getting late, I should get up" or "wow i need to shower" and so on...
Well for the last month before ceasing use it was saying "we".
Like it would be "man we need to shower" or "wow we should eat some food"
Like as if my concious was a seperate entity from me...
Now mind you none of this craziness developed right away..
My first semester of college started off great but as this use developed and grew on me, what was omce a crutch now became the feeling Id grown accustomed to, and my opinion of "sober" was heavily changed and while I didnt mind being sober, I just really preffered to have my mental state alrered at all times and with MXE I could acconplish this.
This pattern went on for about 2-3 months during which I slid by in school with B's while being high in class constantly. It started off great as a win-win, but within a moth of daily use the high was very shallow feeling and was just a way to escape reality for a little in a way that other drugs couldnt do.
Another month went by of this kind of use, and during this month I began to become extremely depressed. I could still get by fine in school and was actually doing quite well academically, but that seemed to make the problem even worse because it gave me little incentive to stop.
It was a vicious cycle; Id wake up in the morning, curse myself for doing drugs everyday and to numb the self-disapointment id pull out my bag of mxe which worked for a while...kind of, not really, but it seemed to help at the time. That is, until it got into the 3rd month of addiction.
3 montha in and no the high isnt even really a high anymore.
Doses higher than 30 just made me dizzy and sick and anything lower was just a way to blundfold myself from depression. Finally, after hearing from enough friends that people are becoming worried about me; even the people who didnt know ive been doing mxe daily, (By this point when i would be invited to go do something, id choose to just stay in my room and dissociate, and people were actually worried i was becoming suicidal.) The strong half of my split concious finally won the fight and I forced myself to dump my stash.
Its now been about a year since all of this, and while I havent fully been able to resist the pull to do MXE, I now, knowing my susceptablilty to the drug, only ever get a half gram so that if things get crazy again at least ill run out quickly.
The strangest thing about this drug, and what upsets me the most is that I really really realy want to be able to responsibly hold on to a gram or more at it and only do it when it makes sense because it is really a wonderful drug with a lot of theraputic potential if used in the right way and setting, but it has toyed with my self-will in a way that nothing else, not even cannabis has done and I simply cant trust myself with a large ammount of the material.
Since Ive stopped my major usage, things have returned to normal mostly and the split conciousness has disapated but Im now a much more impulsive person in many aspects of my life which is something Im still trying to settle down and there is still probably not a day that goes by without my at least thinkig about MXE.
All in all though MXE done correctly is an incredible experience and one i wish for most anyone to try at some point but please be careful...
And to you fellow addicts out there who are just beginning to ask yourselves if youre doing it too often, if you even have to ask yourself that question you probaby are. And I promise you if you dont demonstrate control NOW and at least gove your body and mind a bit of a break, control over this drug will soon be forever lost. Know your limits, dont dose daily, and only dose for the right reasons, and MXE can be a catalyst for new kinds of thinking and can truly benefit your life or emotional standing, but please beware its possible dark side.
If you are someone struggling with an addiction to MXE, whether you realize it or not, this is written for you as a retrospective report of what can happen when large ammounts of MXE meet up with a lack of self control and an unbreakable sense of denial to the whole matter.
If you are amidst a current addiction to this chemical, please I heavily advise you to slow or stop usage for a good ammount of time. Its messing you up more than you probably realize. Please also know youre not alone in this.
Dissociatives addicts are small in number compared to opiate, benzo, stimulant, etc. addicts, and as such most people are unfamiliar with exactly what effect a dissociative addiction can slowly do to the psyche, but it is honestly one of the most psychologicaly damaging addictions I can think of. On top of that the fact that few people even like dissociation enough to become addicted to that kind of state can make someone who has fallen victim to the clutches of dissociative addiction feel like theyre on their own with this battle, but please if you are struggling, know that you are not alone.
Also I want to note that while I have control issues with MXE, I do have a lot of faith in its potential as a theraputic aid in combating acute depression because it really does work for this and it is a masterpiece of a chemical, but it's tricky and if you ever decide to pick up any sizeable ammount of MXE you gotta make sure you never turn your back on it, because it WILL sneak up on you until youre leaving in the middle of class/work to go to the bathroom and get zooted before continuing.
That being said heres the scoop...
The whole story begins about a year ago. Me and my trip-buddy had been toying around with various psychedelics, both classic ones and newer research chemicals...basically anything that made you trip/put you in a trippy place. Then when browsing our selections we came accross MXE and decided to go with it not because wed heard wonderful things about it, but because our experience with dissasociatives was slim compared to psychedelic experience and because of how dirt-cheap it was. (I cant give actual prices but this stuff is about a dollar or two per high; a big reason why I got hooked). When that 1g bag arrived I had no idea the relationship and eventually dependance Id develop with this chem. The experience that the mxe high presented itself was only maybe a 6/10 but this drug had two HUGE benefits over other drugs in my collection.
-It was short-lasting; over within 4 hours and therefore could easily fit into time slots where other drugs like LSD would last too long.
-There didnt seem to be any negative effects the day after and I always woke up feeling great.
The first time I tried it it was nice but nothing incredible, at least not to me. I did it from time to time after that without issue for a few months and was completely fine and happy. It wasnt until my GF and I got into a huge fight that the drugs addictive potential became more apparent.
At the time I feared she would leave me and my emotional state was in the shitter, but then one day, mulling in my depression I decided I wanted to get fucked up cause that fixes all problems right?...so I blew some MXE....WOW what a difference emotionally. It wasnt like I forgot about the fight but MXE made me soo even-keal and it made the voice in my head (which at this time was singular, not plural) say "everything is ok".
Well if things had stopped there they would be fine now, but this was not what happened. I kept up usage, about 2-3 times a week, even after the fight was resolved, until I ran out of MXE and the usage stopped for a few months, but it was too late, my brain had found its favorite go-to snack and its emotional crutch which is why 3 months later when I started college I was fine until the stress of first semester midterms caused me to seek a non-weed escape in the nights where I found 4hour or greater pockets of time.
Towards the beginning of this use higher doses (40-140mg) were more appealing and the urge to repeat the experience was satiated for a greater ammount of time after these instances. M-holes were powerful and brought back long-encased memories of my early childhood, and these provided valuable insights into my life especcially when used in conjunction with psychedelics; particularly 2C-I, but the real addiction was when, after daily usage, these doses stopped giving me anything valuable at all and instead just induced an unpleasant high and 4-hour headache. Soon I began using 15-25mg doses instead and these provided a pleasnt high which didnt interfere cognitively with me and I was even able to attend class and act 100% normal on it all the time which was both wonderful and a curse. Despite its apparent benign-ness physically, constantly having yourself in a dissociated state is far from healthy. After having experienced it first hand I can tell you this:
The word dissociative couldnt be a better fit for what it does to you over time. By the end of my spurt, i was barely able to hold conversations that made any sense to anyone but me. My sense of social sarcasm also fell apart. I couldnt tell if I should be laughing or not when someone was being sarcastic, and it really made me (already an akward and introverted person) almost socially retarded. Also It made me emotionally unstable as hell and would go from zero to a hundred in 2 seconds, whether that meant feeling glee or anger. For example I won a round of smash brothers and was on a level almost similar to rolling for abou an hour. But this also meant that something as small as bumping my forhead, even if the physical pain was negligable, I would become furious instantly and it would last for a while. On top of all this, and this is perhaps the scariest effect, my concious seemed to begin to split into two. By that I mean this:
You know that voice in your head which is really just your thoughts? You know, the voice that says "its getting late, I should get up" or "wow i need to shower" and so on...
Well for the last month before ceasing use it was saying "we".
Like it would be "man we need to shower" or "wow we should eat some food"
Like as if my concious was a seperate entity from me...
Now mind you none of this craziness developed right away..
My first semester of college started off great but as this use developed and grew on me, what was omce a crutch now became the feeling Id grown accustomed to, and my opinion of "sober" was heavily changed and while I didnt mind being sober, I just really preffered to have my mental state alrered at all times and with MXE I could acconplish this.
This pattern went on for about 2-3 months during which I slid by in school with B's while being high in class constantly. It started off great as a win-win, but within a moth of daily use the high was very shallow feeling and was just a way to escape reality for a little in a way that other drugs couldnt do.
Another month went by of this kind of use, and during this month I began to become extremely depressed. I could still get by fine in school and was actually doing quite well academically, but that seemed to make the problem even worse because it gave me little incentive to stop.
It was a vicious cycle; Id wake up in the morning, curse myself for doing drugs everyday and to numb the self-disapointment id pull out my bag of mxe which worked for a while...kind of, not really, but it seemed to help at the time. That is, until it got into the 3rd month of addiction.
3 montha in and no the high isnt even really a high anymore.
Doses higher than 30 just made me dizzy and sick and anything lower was just a way to blundfold myself from depression. Finally, after hearing from enough friends that people are becoming worried about me; even the people who didnt know ive been doing mxe daily, (By this point when i would be invited to go do something, id choose to just stay in my room and dissociate, and people were actually worried i was becoming suicidal.) The strong half of my split concious finally won the fight and I forced myself to dump my stash.
Its now been about a year since all of this, and while I havent fully been able to resist the pull to do MXE, I now, knowing my susceptablilty to the drug, only ever get a half gram so that if things get crazy again at least ill run out quickly.
The strangest thing about this drug, and what upsets me the most is that I really really realy want to be able to responsibly hold on to a gram or more at it and only do it when it makes sense because it is really a wonderful drug with a lot of theraputic potential if used in the right way and setting, but it has toyed with my self-will in a way that nothing else, not even cannabis has done and I simply cant trust myself with a large ammount of the material.
Since Ive stopped my major usage, things have returned to normal mostly and the split conciousness has disapated but Im now a much more impulsive person in many aspects of my life which is something Im still trying to settle down and there is still probably not a day that goes by without my at least thinkig about MXE.
All in all though MXE done correctly is an incredible experience and one i wish for most anyone to try at some point but please be careful...
And to you fellow addicts out there who are just beginning to ask yourselves if youre doing it too often, if you even have to ask yourself that question you probaby are. And I promise you if you dont demonstrate control NOW and at least gove your body and mind a bit of a break, control over this drug will soon be forever lost. Know your limits, dont dose daily, and only dose for the right reasons, and MXE can be a catalyst for new kinds of thinking and can truly benefit your life or emotional standing, but please beware its possible dark side.
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