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Addiction Never thought I would Be here but Here I am

MOrning BLueWorld (day6)

Sleep was not good went through about 40mg valium and still only managed 4-5 hrs at best. So no morning dose of diazepam, just the subs. So just had 2mg subs for now and maybe a few bong hits later.

Another day..
 
sleep is the fucking worst. not being able to contributed massively to my using. and to my inability to stop using when i wanted to. its the reason why most of the drugs i've been addicted to are downers.

i was so lucky in rehab they let me have zopiclone PRN. i had to have had an honest attempt at going to sleep naturally before they gave it to me. i couldn't have taken in any of the therapy if they hadn't, and some don't from what i gather.

i have found that like all things, tiredness is worse when you give it power. when i was a student, which i was for like 9 years cos i did 2 post grads, i wouldn't pressure myself to do anything if i hadn't slept. when i started working full time i had to buck up. i found that actually just trying to get on with my day it was usually never as bad as i'd imagined. though i will admit days 2 and 3 of less than 2 hours sleep do get brutal pretty quick. i guess i'm saying try to do all your planned activities, no matter how tired you are, it should help both in coping with tiredness and sleeping when you try (but doesn't always, which is the fucking worst!).
 
MOrning BlueWorld (Day 7)

@chinup I hear you on that sleep part, last night again. Ended up taking 35mg valium which is not what i wanna do and then still only got 4hrs of broken sleep. I am actually keeping myself busy during the with a lot of physical work and also back at the gym. So with all this one would think i would be "lekker" tired at the end of the day but nope. And it obviously psychological as it's my mind that won't shut off and I have been in a complete depro state of mind too the last two days and can feel the depression not going away soon. Plus i got a lot of studying to do this year to hopefully finish and just get my bachelor's done. Congrats on the 2 post grads.

So hoping today is a better day and so that i don't have to put a mask on for everyone.

But with all that said still clean from my DOC. Just had my 2mg subs and once again no valium as i think there is still more then enough running through my veins.

Regards
CoffeeShroom
 
Im so livid now after just getting home and getting into a fight with my parents because i went out for breakfast with a friend and joined/helped him with opening new bank accounts or international bank accounts as he is moving to France for work purposes, so they just went off cause I'm not doing anything to follow through with my own studies but what they don't know or don't even make the effort to ask is what is happening and how my bookings are going for my studies. But i just got an email response to study to be a paramedic that will basicly include most of the courses I'm looking to study to further myself in the medical field that i want to study further in. Cause I am already qualified with what i have to study to be a paramedic. So I am making the effort and all need to do and can do at this time.

Okay rant over I just had 1mg alzam, 2mg subs and 6mg bromazepam to calm myself down and make sure i don't once again go straight to my DOC. Gotten way to far so far now to just relapse because of stupid family arguments. Maybe thinking off adding some kratom ontop of all this but maybe that's gonna space me out too much, fudge I'm not sure.

Well that's my day so far, hope everyone else is having a better time or day then me.

Regards
CoffeeShroom
 
Parents can be the worst triggers, can't they? They love us and want to see us at a good place in our lives but they can be very critical at times. Just remember that they do indeed love you and try not to get too upset by it.

I once had 30 days in from quitting cigarettes and my Mom triggered me so bad that I went and bought a pack. It wasn't even about smoking just some random criticism from her. Just keep on remembering your goals and working towards them and let all the other stuff slide off.

I used to reach for drugs when I was mad and frustrated too. Helps in the moment but it just creates more problems. Stay strong, man. You got this.
 
@Coffeeshroom I know last year we had a retarded idk what to even call it. Confrontation? Fight? Sorry if I disrespected u brother or made you mad. You can do this shit bro. But let me tell u, u got all my support. I love you brother, if I could stop banging 100mg of pure morphine. U can do this shit, I send u lots of love man. 💯✌
 
fuck @Coffeeshroom i'm amazed by anyone who could be a paramedic. i am so squeamish that i couldn't even face the prospect of IVing for years (probably did me a lot of good tbh).

it is so annoying when people go off on you based on incorrect information that they haven't done the most basic shit to check. let alone when its your parents. especially when you are putting in such hard work that they should be grateful for (but they aren't cos they are angry about you using in the first place, or mine anyway) and they should be trying to make it easier for you, not harder.

i really hope you didn't end up scoring.
 
nznity said:
@Coffeeshroom I know last year we had a retarded idk what to even call it. Confrontation? Fight? Sorry if I disrespected u brother or made you mad. You can do this shit bro. But let me tell u, u got all my support. I love you brother, if I could stop banging 100mg of pure morphine. U can do this shit, I send u lots of love man. 💯✌
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BRotha last year us exactly that and its over and a new year with positive things that can happen if we chose so. I was a dick and also apologize and not scared to do it publicly, you were and i still consider you a very good friend regards of our tiff because of certain things but I'm willing to move on and just get back to where we were. I appreciate the good words and support, means a lot. So thank you. You still my Brotha.
 
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@chinup Yeah it sucks for them not taking the time but that's where i go out my way even further to show them I'm different and actions speaks louder then words. So I actually showed what I have done so far and already having booked courses for the next few month and already paid for it out my own pocket. So will see where that get's me. For me personally it's only one more step closer to my own personnel goals and as for them hopefully they see im not just pissing about but that I am really serious and going to follow through. BUt thanks for your support so far too, means a lot. And NO i did not relapse

With all that said. Yesterday after i had my dose of meds as i mentioned yesterday i will admit i went out later for a few drinks and did get a little bit smashed but did not relapse with my DOC. When i got home i had 30mg midazolam, 12mg bromazepam, 1mg alzam and a few bong hits. I slept out cold from 11pmish last night till 5am this morning. A freaking good nights rest that i haven't had in a long time but doesnt stop there. At waking at 5amish this morning I had 4mg Kratom red vein, few bong hits and 5mg valium and got back in bed and slept till about till an hour ago roughly. So I'm feeling nicely rested.

I just jad my 2mg subs dose and now gonna start doing some wood work for a bench that needs to be done by Monday. So I will put my attention towards that today and plus it keeps my mind busy and its also therapeutic in away.

Also thinking of maybe experimenting with the kratom next week by using it to replace the subs dose or see how much is really needed to swap between the 2 but that's for next week. For now i will just stay on my daily subs and benzo schedule and work more at not using so much benzos at night for sleep and starting down different avenues to fall asleep and stay asleep.

Once again i can't stress how much I appreciate all the support on my journey so far from everyone.

Much Love
CoffeeShroom
 
I love reading this inspiring thread but I have to put the tablet down for a few because my battery is depleting again and is now down to 77% 😮.
Keep up your inspiring writings. You have conquered so much and have a strong thread here for what we all can work through for strength the strength that helps. Now if I can just charge up some energy until I can figure out how to stay at 100% for at least a little while or more. ♡🕊
 
MOrning BlueWorld

Yeah i know i skipped a day of reporting in but still did not use so today is Day 10 of still being clean off my DOC.
Hell yeah I'm doing this and starting to feel good about myself. Reason i wasn't really active yesterday is because i had 2.5g golden teachers that made for a very interesting day. Some awesome visuals and euphoria but nothing to push me over the edge so to speak, so I got exactly what i wanted out of it.

I'm still doing good and not exceeding 6mg subs a day, which for me is good and wd's is now basically none existent. The only thing I'm still struggling with is the energy or the drive to go about my day but I'm forcing myself to get up and do what I know needs to be done and some more.

Just for interest sake my current daily med routine is

6mg Subs ( 2mg x3 ed )
10mg Diazepam (5mg x2 ed )

That is my daily standard. And on top of that i will have 150-450mg pregabalin or 2000mg Gabapentin a day but not everyday. Only as needed or when i feel the need. I also started bringing bromazepam back in the mix and i will have 6-12mg once from time to time during the day or mostly at night.

My sleeping pattern is still Shit and find myself still dosing more benzos throughout the night and that is normally Midazolam or Triazolam with an extra long acting benzo like bromazepam or valium.

But overall I'm doing good and keeping to my goal.

And once again I just want to say thank you for all the support from everyone on this journey of mine.

Much Love
CoffeeShroom
 
MOrning BlueWorld (Day 11)

Well after an awesome weekend and still with all I did i still kept to my goals and being clean ( meaning no H and only using my meds as needed ). I did some shrooms this weekend and was awesome and a nice way of having some fun without getting smashed or doing other forms of street drugs.

This Morning I decided to instead of having my usual 2mg subs dose when i woke I had 3.5mg Kratom and can say that my wd's was a bit higher again then it would have been with my normal 2mg subs but i still haven't had any subs today, last dose of subs was yesterday afternoon and also only had a max of 4mg yesterday. I did have some heavy night sweats while sleeping and also when I woke up I had a very loose stomach with some uncomfortable cramps but nothing to bad. Also had the odd out the blue cold sweats this morning too and tremors in my left hand which made doing some tasks an issue, so not sure what was the cause of the tremors but they seem to be away now.

But the plans are to see how the rest of the morning goes and then only dose 2mg subs around the afternoon. I also had some benzos this morning too. Another thing to report is that i did have some RLS in the early morning hrs but nothing to hectic, would score it about 4/10/ So was more just irritating then unbearable. Funny that some days the RLS is worse then other even if i had the exact some meds for those days. Just another thing that i have noticed. I'm considering to try and drop my subs dose from the normal 6mg a day to 4-5mg subs a day and maybe adding kratom only to my night dose. Maybe that will help with my sleep too and also help me use less benzos at night or during the night to get better sleep.

But overall I'm doing good and staying away from my DOC.

Sidenote: I'm actually surprised that kratom and subs can be used together and doesn't cause pre-wd's or wd's in general. Considering getting some white vein kratom for morning use for it's energy purposes and see how that works but also only using it at low doses. But will see how this week goes and how the finances are seeing as we are in the middle of the month lol.

Regards
CoffeeShroom
 
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Morning All (Day 12)

This morning so far has been one hectic rush and being on and off the phone the whole time but at least i got some stuff done.
Sleep was Shitty again and ended up taking a total of 35mg Diazepam and 12mg Bromazepam just to get a solid 5hrs sleep but at least it was solid, not waking up once. Think if my bladder wasn't as full as it was that it actually pained, I would have maybe slept more but with that said at least I'm feeling good physically just drained mentally a bit atm lol.

Anyhow had my 2mg subs this morning and still doing good with that.

Regards
CoffeeShroom
 
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Morning BlueWorld (Day 13)

Once again not the best sleep last night but I controlled myself not to use a lot or excessive benzo dosages. So I ended up only having 15mg Diazepam and 6mg Bromazepam. I did order some Triazolam yesterday which should be in by Thursday and also thinking of adding some gaba's to the mix as i have been off it for a while now. Oh also ordered some Midazolam with the Triazolam. I really wish that they still stocked Flurazepam as that is still my nr 1 ranked sleeping benzo or for me at least. Nothing beats .50mg triazolam with 30mg flurazepam just before bed, still gives me the best nights rest.

But that aside i still got roughly a good 4-5 hrs sleep but feeling a bit drained and low on the energy, which is "kak" seeing as I have a busy morning ahead of me too.

But had my normal morning 2mg subs dose but no benzo dose and also started adding some multi vits with that.

So here is me going for my 2 week off mark of staying away of my DOC.

Regards
CoffeeShroom
 
Glad you're doing well. Careful with the benzos. I once tried to come off a long term opiate habit with them, ended up in a 3 month blackout and a 50+mg a day etizolam habit that I am still recovering from physically 8 years later.
 
Coffeeshroom said:
Once again not the best sleep last night but I controlled myself not to use a lot or excessive benzo dosages. So I ended up only having 15mg Diazepam and 6mg Bromazepam. I did order some Triazolam yesterday which should be in by Thursday and also thinking of adding some gaba's to the mix as i have been off it for a while now. Oh also ordered some Midazolam with the Triazolam.
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Whilst I am really fucking proud of you for your progress @Coffeeshroom I still have to echo @RedRum OG sentiments and say please be fucking careful with all the benzos. I truly appreciate you wanting sleep, but you know that you cannot get through severe withdrawals without experiencing some kind of uncomfortable sleep upset. I'd really hate to see you transfer one substance dependence for another. It's something I've been chasing my entire life. If it's not one thing I'm addicted to, it's something else. And having to come off multiple benzos, that's been the most hellish one of them all. Please just be careful man, you don't NEED the multiple benzos to sleep. Your sleep is gonna be pretty shit for a while, but using the benzos is just prolonging it imo.
 
MOrning All (Day 14)..

Yay I hit my 2 week mark, think this calls for a small celebration of going out tonight and getting my favourite pizza with a few drinks.

Sleep last night was okay and only had 15mg diazepam and 6mg bromazepam that had me sleeping from 11pm till 7amish this morning which is good in my opinion. I know you guys are scared with my excessive benzo usage at night but it's not every night but still i agree it's not good and I also don't want to drop one addiction for another. At least my subs daily dosage now is at 4mg a day and not higher. 2mg in the morning and 2mg late afternoon. So that's good and when it comes to my benzo usage, well I will forever been on them but want to keep it as low as possible, ideally for me i just want to use my normal daily dose regime of once in the morning and then once at night. So ideally it will be a long acting one which will be either diazepam or bromazepam, 5mg diazepam or 3mg bromazepam in the morning and the same late afternoon.

The only reason im dosing so heavily at night is purely for sleep but some nights i can get away with low dosages and other nights i need high dosages but this is only temporarily atm. What I'm aiming for is having my normal morning dose and then my normal night dose with something extra just to help get me asleep and the other to carry me throughout the rest of the night. Like i said if i can get my hands back on flurazepam then i wont need any of what normally take, for example this is how i want it to be at the end of the day.

option 1
Mornings; 5-10mg diazepam or 3-6mg bromazepam
Night/late afternoon; 5-10mg diazepam or 3-6mg bromazepam with 0.25-.5mg triazolam

option 2
Mornings; 5-10mg diazepam or 3-6mg bromazepam
Night/late afternoon; 15-30mg flurazepam nothing else

option 3
Mornings; 5-10mg diazepam or 3-6mg bromazepam
Night/late afternoon; 5-10mg diazepam or 3-6mg bromazepam with 15-30mg midazolam

So with in total my benzo usage would be low and just enough to keep my anxiety at bay or under control and also just get a good nights rest.

I'm also looking at a Kratom regime i work out for myself to experiment with at the end of the month when i have all the different once i need for the right times but i will explain more of that as i get closer.

Another thing is as im busy studying or starting my first course on the 26th i want to make sure i have a good nights rest and the drive/energy in the mornings to do them.

So there are some reason or means to an end with my crazy up and down benzo use but i will figure it out as i carry one to drop my subs usage in the process.

Just also want to say thanks for all the support and input and HR advice that has been giving to me so far showing just how much this community/family cares about me and what I am doing.

I will still take everything said or advice given in mind and see what i can do to make this work without fucking myself up in another way.

Much Love and Appreciation
CoffeeShroom
 
What's keeping you from trying the weaker herbal alternatives?( Kava, valerian, kratom, cannabinoids)

If you're down with weed, cannabinoids can be a godsend. Especially right now, there are tons of legal ones in the USA
 
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