☮ Social ☮ [PD Social General Talk Thread] Observation Tank for Fractallized Redundancy Modules

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

My post deleted itself when i tried to edit/add to it wtf.
I really need to find work as well. My license will be unsuspended in 3 weeks and i am hoping that once i have work, a car and a license, ill have enough money to go to dnb shows and hopefully get back into playing paintball. I hope that getting a license will enable me to make a social life for myself. The suspension of my license for one year for a first dui really crippled me and put me into a deep depression. I am hoping that being mobile will enable me to be able to make friends and do things that i enjoy and bring myself out of the depressed state ive been in for the last year.
I really need somebody to love/some lovin though. Im 22, im young, im supposed to be chasing skirts and that, and instead ive got one girl "under my belt" and thats it, and the lack of affection/attention really gets me down. I just wanna cuddle with a girl i like (none in particular, i mean like find a girl i like), kiss her, be close to her you know?
It really hurts my heart to be truly alone for so long. I am tired of missing out on the opposite sex. Ive never had a regular sex life....
It really brings my self esteem down to be living without any love, affection, attention from anyone of the opposite sex. I feel emasculated by it and it feeds into my self image/self worth/self esteem problem so much. At times i wonder if things will always be like this and it really seems sometimes to me like this IS how things will always be for me. My ex girlfriend left me 2 years ago and its been like this ever since. She was my first kiss, my first everything, and she didnt enter my life till a few months after graduating high school at age 18, and shes been my only anything. I havent so much as kissed another girl.

 

[Thorns Have Roses]

I'm likin' those jams xork, pretty chill stuff.

I dedicate this to the vibes in this place:

Ticking and tocking
slowly unwinding
my clockwork heart
beats irreversibly
towards midnight
identical days
passing by
in endless procession
while the past
plays on repeat
filling my vision
with phantom feelings
for a phantom world

And how about something a lil' different for the musical selection of evening? It seems metaphorically appropriate.

 

[SKL]

LMA, I had my first DUI when I was around your age, and living as (I think?) you do in a ruralish area, it certainly put a certain amount of a damper on my social life (inasmuch as a complied with it, which would lead me to further legal trouble ...) There was a certain Kafkaesque aspect to the situation too, as New York had put a 6 month suspension on my <other state> drivers license, so I went to the <other state> DMV and tried to get it reinstated, but they said, no go to the NY DMV, who, in turn, said you need to go to the <other state> DMV. Bit surreal. Around which time I for career reasons moved to NYC, and as far as the path of least resistance goes with regards to that whole legal clusterfuck, that suited me fine, too, I traded my <midmarket import coupe model> for a MetroCard, and I can get wherever I reasonably have need to be, or at least hop on a bus. Betwixt the literal catch-22 DMV situation, a few other situations lead me to suspect there is a warrant or two out for me, which in turn makes it hard for me to apply for a drivers license or even nondrivers ID. You'd think it would be hard to get by in daily life without. Sometimes. But I get by, though, basically on socially engineering.

But, yes, mobility is essential to alleviating humdrum boredom and the consequent depression. And the brief and superficial mental mobility conferred by drugs is a remarkably poor substitute. And, probably, even more so in the case of drug use, boredom is cyclical (can we use that word again, ouroboric?) When depressed, you don't often feel like leaving the house or even the bed , I know that during my most recent depressive episode, I left my home only to go to work, or to the liquor store, otherwise I'd lay in bed, drinking Sobieski vodka, club soda and a wedge of lime, repeated ad lib till sleepy, watching TV serials and ordering in excessive amounts of food. When I was on drugs, I left my home only to go to work, to exchange drugs for currency or currency for drugs, to take drugs in an interesting setting, or to take enough drugs to make my mundane chores amuse me. Not a healthy pattern either.

So, I know that feel. Cracking yourself out of it is essential. It's done wonders to me, especially since I work evenings and overnights (4p-12mn or 4p-8am depending), to just take a walk in the park (or if you are in a rural area, in the woods) in daylight and experience all the sensations that are to be had there, or to go to a museum or some kind of cultural event, or anything along these lines. Transportation especially for us country folks is a challenge, but not an insurmountable one, although here's another ouroboros - social connections, money, mobility. Maybe it's not an ouroboros, maybe it's a Gordian knot. You could try a long time to undo it, or chop it in two with a blade (which has had laudable results in mythology.) What's the blade? That will depend upon you and your personality and your gifts, I suppose, but as people we're not static, we're capable of development or regression in any number of directions The possibilities are endless, and for me to miss one, should seem to be groundless* ... seek some out, little brother. There are a bunch. Some of them will involve stepping well outside your frame of reference.

I grew up in a little dying town, dying because ever since NAFTA sent the textile jobs down to Latin America and later on free trade with the Orient, there has been no real growth or economic prospects outside of law enforcement, corrections, health care, bar tending, low end service jobs, drug dealing, paper shuffling civil service, minimum wage walmart tier shit (which at the same time wiped out all the great little greengrocers) and doing pharmacy robberies or drug dealer home invasions or other kinds of stuff like that. Notice how all of these are self-reinforcing, or, um, dare we say, Ouroboric? So from my high school social milieu, these were basically our variegated career paths. I at brief intervals took on more than one of these roles before settling upon my current professional qualifications in the big city. And here I feel alienated as all hell, and there are days that I want nothing more. If it weren't for my commitments to my coworkers and patients I'd do this tomorrow, and I will probably wind up doing it eventually and returning home, or somewhere close, because after my go-go 20's, I'm not really built for city life anymore ... it just makes me anxious and depressed.

So, not to imply any vigorously applicable analogy between your situation and mine, we differ in life trajectory and I gather more than a decade of historical and personal experience, but I think there's a commonality here that we could phrase in the language of the community here. Set and setting. In both of our situations, a change is probably long overdue in both.

* The Velvet Underground, Some Kinda Love

 

[Xorkoth]

I said bye to my girl yesterday morning (she's going to California for a month or so and then visiting her mom afterwards, she goes there every year to trim buds and make a large sum of money), it was sad but less sad than it was last year when we had only known each other for 2 and a half weeks. Last year I literally cried driving away, which surprised me. This year I didn't, which also surprised me. I think it's because last year I didn't know if things would be the same when she returned because it had been so little time... but this year I know.

I'm likin' those jams xork, pretty chill stuff.

I dedicate this to the vibes in this place:

Ticking and tocking
slowly unwinding
my clockwork heart
beats irreversibly
towards midnight
identical days
passing by
in endless procession
while the past
plays on repeat
filling my vision
with phantom feelings
for a phantom world

And how about something a lil' different for the musical selection of evening? It seems metaphorically appropriate.

Thanks man. They're kinda sloppy but like I said, it was practice. My favorite part of those is probably the second section of the first one, with the clavichord sound. At least, I think it sounds the most together.

Diggin' the words too.

 

[Bagseed]

some nice trippy grooves

 

[Cream Gravy?]

I dedicate this to the vibes in this place:

Very befitting.

I'm finding myself feeling almost empty now that my ren fest weekend has passed. It was so much fun, so much excitement, that I almost feel like I'm having serotonin depletion not because of drug use, but because of the loss of the fantasy world of which I was so immersed for 48 hours. Nothing quite beats adult make-believe cities. All I can think about is how I must find some way to go Halloween weekend, not much else is on my mind... except how bummed I am I can't be there right now.

Oh, and I had a nightmare that my pet ball python bit me over and over again, spraying copious amounts of my blood all over herself and turning from an albino to a red snake because of it. It felt so real that I checked my hand for teeth marks when I awoke, and checked on Sunflower (my python) to make sure she was alright too.

She bit me for the first and only time about two weeks ago, and it was such a shocking experience that I've been somewhat afraid of her since... not because she can really hurt me (the bite barely broke the skin, and was much less painful than a rodent bite or a cat scratch), but because I never thought she had it in her to be violent towards me... I guess I felt betrayed, like a loss of innocence. I've since held her with no incidence, but... I'll never forget that moment when she turned on me. In the future, I'll be certain to watch her body language better. The night she bit me, I was fucked up on MXE and booze, and I remember she had turned her head to follow my hand when I went to grab her, a sure sign she didn't wana be fucked with that night. I brought it upon myself when I ignored her warning signs...

 

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

Id love having a pet snake. I plan on getting one in a few months hopefully.
And some fish. My little brother had a ball python before. I love my kitties.
Buf i want to try horseback riding sometime, ive never done it before. And or i wanna ride a llama. Idk if you can ride llamas or not but if you can i want to.
Ive petted wild donkeys before though in oatman, arizona.
Its an old west town in the middle of the desert where someone brought a herd of donkeys and they somehow became free roaming/wild/protected by the government. Theres like a few hundred that live in/around the town, and theyd come right up to you and eat out of your hands and let you pet them. When me, my uncle+his girlfriend and my mom were in the car driving out of the town, we had the windows down and the AC on and 2 of them came over and stuck their heads inside the car by the AC vents and just stood there for a few mins letting the air blow in their face lol. We gave them some water too.
Super nice/chill/awesome animals they were. Except i was walking across the street and one was standing on the porch of a shop, and i walked behind it when i was crossing the street and it stamped its hoof at me. Scared me lol cause i didnt wanna get kicked.
SKL i feel like my license getting taken did nothing but exascerbate my lack of socialization/romance really bad. Its the lack of romance that really makes me depressed. Your 20s are supposed to be the most sexually active period of life for normal kids. I cant go much longer without sex/romance/love/affection but i cant bring myself to just pay for sex to release the tension/unfulfilled need but paying for sex because i cant get any at all for more than 2 years would make me so depressed.
I feel so unworthy. I guess i am not good enough for anybodys love/time/affection.

 

[jammin83]

I hate break ups. Break my heart every time. I've only had two long relationships that lasted any significant amount of time. This one has been for the last 5 years. I thought we were going to make it happen. I really did. Idk what happened, lots of things I guess, but I think it's the right thing to do. Doesn't make it any less sad though.

 

[vortech]

Nice to see a Loan link! I once stumbled upon him in Soulseek searching for Loan Sound and was really impressed. Good idea for listening today. And poetry here too! This morning I added a bit of poetry to my book that I wrote while on MXE. It captures a glimpse of the MXE inspired thought stream.

 

[vortech]

On a related note I HATE autocorrect on phones. Is there a way to turn it off? Obviously I meant to say *Koan* not Loan.

 

[SKL]

cross post but to publicize wider: small amounts of LSD (to defeate Ehrlich reagent) on bomamaine/DOx blotters confirmed to be happening. sometimes even a mix of bomamine, DOx, and the token amount of LSD. Ehrlich reagent no longer enough. need to use more than one to be safe.

 

[Bagseed]

^ I even heard of dealers using 5-HTP on NBOMe blotters to give a positive with ehrlich's. fucking disgusting

@vortech yeah I discovered this music recently, and I am very into it. chilled out uplifting dance grooves

 

[Xorkoth]

I hate break ups. Break my heart every time. I've only had two long relationships that lasted any significant amount of time. This one has been for the last 5 years. I thought we were going to make it happen. I really did. Idk what happened, lots of things I guess, but I think it's the right thing to do. Doesn't make it any less sad though.

Break-ups are almost always sad. Sorry man, but if it feels like the right thing, then it is. You'll get past it and move on to something better. Just being single is amazing when you just got out of a long relationship that didn't work.

 

[Help?!?!]

So many types of feels in the social. What a grand resource though. A place where a plethora of emotions except disdain and distaste for each other exists. Rarely ever any true fighting unless a discussion gets a bit heated but even then it's more I inflated passion than outright anger! A home away from home for the psyxhdeically estranged of society, warms my heart! Support and love abound for our brothers and sisters struggling or suceeding in life. It's like we're hanging a sign that says, "Come one, come all, there's enough love, caring, and understanding for all.". It's things like this that make me want to stay rather than leave the rodeo early!

Like SKL said, a routine is truly important, even if you need to start out slowly. Like just taking a walk through a local park or woods while the sun shines through the branches and fall leaves. Start up an excercise routine, once again no need to start throwing around hundreds of pounds a weight a day, just something light like a few sets of push ups, sit ups, squats, calf raises, light calenstenics(sp?), just something to get the blood flowing, and endocannbinoids, and endengous opiates to flow(Llama in your case, and others this helps a tad to being resetting the brain/body a bit after hard addiction!). Also make sure your eating well and generally taking care of yourself. Start up a solid vitamin/mineral regime. Maybe get some nootropics going if you've got the extra cash. Those sorts of help reset or lift the fogs of depression and aniexty naturally! Plus it's just generally all a good idea to live a healthy balanced life!

Stay cool and at least partially sane my fellow brothers and sisters!'s

 

[Xorkoth]

Oh yeah llama, I'd STRONGLY recommend working out. Not only do you feel better about yourself when you're in shape, but it releases endorphins. It's incredible how much better every single thing in life feels when I work out regularly. Really important IMO. Plus it makes you more desirable to the ladies.

 

[vortech]

Hell Yeah Help?!?! This thread is an unbridled outpouring of raw emotion sometimes, also I see it anywhere psychedelics are of subject hence why I find value keeping up with this sub-forum. Psychedelics imbue such an openness it's hard not to express it, and sometimes it is hard to find such genuine , non-dramatic, expression among relative strangers on the internet.

As for working out, I know I need to work on my endorphin production. What would you recommend Xork? All I do is walk and ride a bike currently or anytime in the last few years. Sometimes Yoga which does do something for the endorphins but is low impact.

 

[TheAppleCore]

Ticking and tocking
slowly unwinding
my clockwork heart
beats irreversibly
towards midnight
identical days
passing by
in endless procession
while the past
plays on repeat
filling my vision
with phantom feelings
for a phantom world

That strikes a chord for me, I know I've been where you were coming from when you wrote that.

 

[Help?!?!]

It most certainly is, in IMO the latter of 14, this year, and 08-10, were the best socials. It dropped off a bit like it can as we psychonauts are some of either the most transient or stable parts of BL, besides maybe the lounge... PS, SLR, and such are close but I don't think even the lounge has the comradey of PD. A lot of us(TNW, Xork, SKL, Solipsis, Shambles((he's abandoned us now though..!:'()), Transform, NKB/THR, TAC, Laika, etc), have been here near a decade. I can remember lurking here in 06 soaking up Cosmic Charlie's, Xorkoth, Solipsis's knowledge as I began my psychedelic journey! I wished I would've joined then but...ya know life and stuff. It is true that psychedelics will truly bring people together, I think it's also that while many of us know other trippers in life, they might not be as....crazed or overzealous per say as we are in our psychedelic endeavorsor studies as we are. This makes the social and such a sort of ideal if haven for some or most of us.

As for working out, it's not difficult. I've always loved working out and being active, plus I had great phys ed teachers in school(one of them was a pro body builder who knew Sylvester Stallone!)but it's not that difficult. Just start slow and work your way up. Also I forgot about yoga, which is one of my favorites because it helps balance and keep you flexible which helps abate pulled muscles and the strain of heavy physical activity, it's also good for meditating. I suggest looking online for good starter routines or they even have free apps that can help and demonstrate how to do certain excercises! Oh and now a days there's yoga that's geared more towards working out, like doing planks(not technically yoga but all I could think of...).

Oh and Llama as others can tell you, and since from your post it seems like you like animals, maybe you could get a pet to keep you busy and as a companion to help negate loneliness! Having pets is so fun and can be extremely fulfilling! Dependent on the animal, they can be friends for a good chunk of your life! Since they depend on you, as well, it can motivate you to care for them totally, which helps with depression and aniexty as it fades to black! I've had my dog for about almost nine years, my cat for eleven, and my gecko for around fifteen!

 

[Cream Gravy?]

It is true that psychedelics will truly bring people together, I think it's also that while many of us know other trippers in life, they might not be as....crazed or overzealous per say as we are in our psychedelic endeavorsor studies as we are. This makes the social and such a sort of ideal if haven for some or most of us.

You speak the truth.

Oh and Llama as others can tell you, and since from your post it seems like you like animals, maybe you could get a pet to keep you busy and as a companion to help negate loneliness!

If you're looking for companionship in a snake though, or really any reptile for that matter, I can tell you they're not much for hanging out. I hold my snake only once or twice a week, two days of each week I have to let her digest her food. And when shedding time comes round, she gets grumpy and hides for up to two weeks till she finally sheds, and I have to just sit there and wait. Hell, my pet guinea pig doesn't even wana hang out ever. I can hold him daily, but he's a grumpy critter too, only wants to chill if I've got some veggies in my hands hahah.

Personally, further down the line I want a cat. They're assholes, but really I think they're the best happy-medium of low maintenance and sociability. Dogs demand too much time, reptiles/rodents/fish are hard to interact with at times. Don't get me wrong, I love my little piggy, and I love my ball python, and I loved when I had a fish tank, but the simple fact of the matter is you can't really play with them.

If you do decide on a reptile, I recommend doing as much research as possible on their habits and needs beforehand. My ball python will live for up to 30+ years, it was a big decision when I chose to get her, and I've had to do a lot of learning in order to deal with her needs. If you ever want any tips on where to look for information I have a lot saved on my computer from when I was researching ball pythons.

For those interested, I love sharing pics of Sunflower, so I added some more recent ones below (they're a bit blurry, I'll have to post better ones next time I can take some photos of her):

Spoiler: Photos of Sunflower

 

[Help?!?!]

Haha! Cats aren't assholes, well like people some of them are but my cat thrives on love and attention. He's been one of my best friends through hard times, and he's always around. Pets will absorb and negate emotions to and blend to be like you. They follow and mimick your mannerisms if you grow up with them. If your a standoffish asshole then your cat or dog will suit. Reptiles to a lesser extent but I could talk about that non sense for years. Captive breeding and such. I've owned African fat tail geckos and a truly beautiful Okeetee corn snake. I've always wanted a Jacksons or panther chameleon but there so hard to get, expensive, and take care of. To beatiful to cage unless you have the proper terrarium, they'll die quick but if cared for properly like some birds, most reptiles, can, and will outlive you!