I've been browsing BL for a few months after drinking led me again to using stimulants. A few years ago I was drinking very heavily, along with my girlfriend at the time. We lived in Vegas, and she was a bartender, so drinking was a daily part of our lives. We went to a holiday party, and she introduced me to her friend's boyfriend, who I immediately bought some cocaine off of. I had tried it before, but could never afford or regularly find it. This spiraled into a cycle of drinking, buying coke, consuming it all, then regretting everything the next day. I hid the extent of my cocaine usage from my girlfriend, but it eventually spiraled ever downward. The drinking always led to me fiending for some coke.
After a spectacular trainwreck of terrible decisions, including trying meth for the first time, and shortly after having a catastrophic breakup with my girlfriend, I quit my respectable and professional job on the spot, and moved back home.
I continued to drink heavily, living in a shitty basement apartment and working as a teacher's assistant at the college I graduated from. After my drinking continued to escalate, drinking a pint of whiskey to myself, then hitting the bars, I finally went to see a doctor. He prescribed anti-depressants and Naltrexone.
I took my medication religiously, and after a few months of my drinking decreasing, I finally quit altogether. I felt like Naltrexone was a miracle. I had never thought that I would be able to quit drinking without long term in-patient rehab, and attending meetings for the rest of my life. That drug, in addition to smoking tons of weed, allowed me to break free.
I moved to a city nearby, where I was able to find a good job in my field, and things were going well for a while. I had been single throughout my whole recovery, and thought I was ready to finally meet the woman of my dreams, and start a family. I met an amazing girl who had the same desire. As time progressed, she never understood why I consumed so much pot. I would never be stoned at work, but as soon as I got home I would be hitting the dab pen. I tried to explain that this was part of my recovery, and that it had helped me stop drinking, but I don't think she ever truly understood.
The relationship moved very quickly, despite the numerous red flags that should have made me question this path. We eventually broke up, and shortly after we learned that she was pregnant. Being a dad had always been my dream, but I knew the relationship itself would not work. We decided that we would still have the baby, and coparent as a team.
The pregnancy was very difficult for her, where she was always throwing up and was unable to work some days. I supported her in what ways I could. While on a business trip, I receive a call from her, and she was going into emergency surgery because her body was rejecting the baby. In retrospect, I should have dropped everything and flew back, but she did not inform me until literally right before the surgery, and she was already surrounded by family members to support her. When I was in the airport waiting to fly back, she called to let me know that she had survived the surgery. I didn't know how sick she really was until that moment. She didn't think she would survive, and told me she had made peace with dying before going under. She said she had named the baby Thomas, and that she had requested a plot in the small cemetery at the hospital. I still haven't gone to see it.
I immediately went to the airport bar and started drinking whiskey, heavily. I called my sister and told her that when I landed I wanted to go out and drink. She was aware of what was going on, and was friends with my ex. I continued to drink on the airplane, and got an uber from the airport to where my sister was. She was able to find me an 8-ball of coke, which we all consumed that night with some of her friends.
Since then my drinking has been back. It hasn't been nearly as heavy as before, but it continues to lead me down the road of fiending for stimulants. Trying to take the Naltrexone hasn't worked this time around. I haven't been able to find a hookup for coke, but meth is much easier to find. This led to 3 separate occasions of finding some, and binging for two days, then crashing horrendously. Each time I would have a moment of clarity, dump the rest, and cut off all ties to those I had just met who continued to push it. After the second time, I found BL and began reading about people who had problems with alcohol, and people with problems with meth.
Three days ago the same thing happened. I got drunk, then starting looking. It was easy to find, and soon enough I was back into the same cycle. This time I am taking much stronger approach to getting away from these poisons. I dumped what remained, and cut all ties.
Drinking always leads to cravings for stimulants, and eventually I will lose all control and my entire life will be completely destroyed. I called an outpatient recovery center yesterday morning after being up for 32 hours, and scheduled an evaluation appointment for next Wednesday. I want to get the slow release Naltrexone so that I can bypass the excuses I always come up with to not take the pill version. Additionally, I will be finding a counselor who specializes in addiction recovery, and can give me tools like cognitive behavioral therapy in order to fight the cravings for drugs and alcohol.
Anyway, as for the Antabuse, if you've considered it, it might be worth trying. But I will say that you ABSOLUTELY MUST be committed to staying sober. If you drink while you're on Antabuse it is really fucking unpleasant. Even if you try to wait 7-10 days for it to leave your system so that you can drink, the first 1-2 times you drink after taking it will still have that really awful feeling. But for me it works really, really well, just knowng that I absolutely CAN NOT DRINK while on it, and even if I stop taking it, the week or so that you have to wait before you can drink again is a really fucking long time to wait and weigh up whether you REALLY want to start drinking again. Psychologically, it's really a fantastic drug in that way.
Reading about Antabuse makes my anxious. The side effects from drinking on Naltrexone were part of what helped me stop drinking, and that's actually part of the reason that I struggle to keep taking it regularly now. Antabuse is like a scorched earth approach to fighting this, but I think that might be the only way that I can really escape. Literally not having the option to drink would be a blessing. "Take off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." I will reach out today and see how I can get a prescription for this.
Through all of this I have found my faith in God. I pray every day for strength to fight this addiction, and with his guidance I will break the cycle that I find myself in again. I'm praying for all of you, my friends. This is the most difficult battle I have ever had to fight, and I know we all have the strength within ourselves to break free. I love each and every one of you, and I believe in you.
, brutal fuck-ups. Don't know what to call it, standards is not quite the right word, maybe limits. I had escalations that really resulted in physical problems, with puking for one and a half days, totally wrecking my gut, being one of the minor symptoms. Ultimately leading me to the viewpoint, that "I just can not be this person", cause there was no doubt where this was heading anymore. I still don't want to be this person, not unlike what @chinup wrote. RESOLVE ..is what I'm aiming at, I guess.
I just want to be the best mother I can be to this precious little boy 
