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Social The Dark Side Social Thread v. Darksiders Forever

birdup said:
I used to be in a much darker place, environmentally.

My life is bright and hopeful now, but I am not.

It used to be the complete opposite.

I maintained a state of blind optimism despite everything.

Now, I have lost that ignorant bliss.

I find myself, more and more, having to live for other people.

This materialistic world makes everything that was once wholesome - including parenthood - into something passable but ultimately dissatisfying.

I can do something about it.

I will do something, but for the time being: it is exhausting.

I idolize life before technology. I dream of farm life. I want to not be able to see my neighbours. I live on a fifth acre. That's a normal sized block around here. But, we're going to subdivide and sell the back yard. If we do that, we own the place outright in a couple of years and we can move to the country.

For now, I am numb. The weight I am bearing as a father and a partner and an addict and a son and a brother and a grandson and a citizen. I don't want any of this weight. It's too much. I am compromising too much of myself for this world, which I don't like very much.

I love my family.

...

Mobile phones are toxic. We don't need this much stimulation. Now we have streaming networks. What next?

I want to start a new Amish society.

The Amish have the right idea, they just set the date wrong.

We should stop somewhere around 1980/1990.

Fuck churning butter, but I also don't want ultra fast speed holographic internet bimbos at the click of a button.

People are better than machines. That also applies to when you are speaking to people through machines.

I hate video chats. I think everyone does.

There's something more intimate about a phone call.

I don't need to see your face all the time.

I have no idea what I'm writing now or what thread this is.

I've had a long day.
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Excellent post!

You seem to have a lot on your plate. I like kids, their purity and honesty and cuteness, but i am not a father because i am very, very irresponsible. But we need kids here because otherwise humankind would literally have no future at all. Therefore, thank you for having kid(s).

I don't know about the technology shit. I have basically isolated myself completely from all real-life social interactions. Sure, i want some drugs sometimes so i have to see people, and if i have spent like a week in a row at home without talking to anyone in real life, it is healthy to see a friend for a while then. But i like the internet. It is my only window to the surrounding world when i just sit here, in my dusty apartment, as life slowly passes me by.

You listed all those roles you have. Father. Partner. Addict and so on. First and foremost you are a human being, with human rights and human value, and you should be respected as such by default. It is okay to get frustrated at the madness of the modern technology and the modern way of life. It is not a nice feeling, but it is justified. Thank you for sharing all that :)
 
@Ghost fart

I've spent a lot of my life in relative isolation even when I'm in long term relationships. I have a few close friends, but I'm not super social. I don't like large groups of people... Now I can see that's not healthy.

You can't fake happiness. I've discovered recently (it has dawned on me over the past few months) that this is the core of my crippling social anxiety.

Social anxiety is the opposite of confidence.

People are confident when they are happy.

I have been avoiding social situations because - that way - I can avoid thinking about the core of my problems.

I don't want to teach my daughter to be broken like me, so I have to fix myself.

It's so hard to go from drugs and isolation back, sober, into the real world. I keep delaying it, but - now - my procrastinating is hurting the person I love most in this world. It is easier to say goodbye now, but it is still hard. I loved being a maniac. It breaks my heart to retire from that lifestyle.

It's getting easier.

When I first returned to work after a long (7 year) stint as a junky, everybody thought I was super weird. I didn't know how to behave. I was a foreigner in the real world.

Now, I feel as if I am slowly becoming like everyone else.

I can see the change.

I work in disability and I work with some of the most difficult clients in Melbourne. I have learnt a lot about my behaviour by thinking about theirs.

I don't have to do this job. I do it to make me a better parent. I do it to give myself perspective. It surprises me that, along the way, I've discovered beauty in the strangest of places.

Life is beautiful: drugs are nothing without life; but life without drugs is (still) strange and beautiful.

My signature is a quote from CH.

I found it a long time after he died, because it exists in a mods-only forum.

I would have made the same prediction, if I was him, but - against all odds - I'm not completely nuts. I'm actually resurfacing.
 
@birdup You are not nuts.

You want to provide a good childhood and a good life for your kid. And you are making adjustments, regarding your own life, for you to be able to do so. I really admire that and you have my 100% respect. Keep going! And yes, i know it is hard. I am pretty sure that the vast majority of "normal" people view me as an ultra weirdo :(

And by the way, i like the posts of CH. I wish i would have became a bluelighter earlier, so i would have had the honor to exhange some posts here with him...
 
I take it as a huge compliment that CH thought I was nuts. He lived a strange life. We co-modded the Words forum years ago. He's a good writer. You should check out some of his poetry/prose.
 
birdup said:
take it as a huge compliment that CH thought I was nuts. He lived a strange life. We co-modded the Words forum years ago. He's a good writer. You should check out some of his poetry/prose.
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my brain is scramble, CH is who? Captn` heroin? sorry to bug on you :limp:
 
deficiT said:
Hah! I am right there myself. I've either just made a lot of progress towards eventual happiness, or I've set myself up for a catastrophic failure.
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Story of my life lol. I never know either...if I've actually done something right or just fucked it all up even worse up until the last minute...so all I do is worry. I am sick of this shit tho. I am so ready to finally be ok. And I think I would be if I wasn't continually held to obligations that I am not even capable of to begin with. I am not like everyone else around me. Their solutions don't work for me. And I definitely ain't gonna start kissing everybody's ass now. I've made it this far without doing it lol

I've always felt bitterness from people...like they are already mad at me before they even get to know me. People treat you different when you need them. I always end up needing them. But I think they need me to need them more than I really need them.
 
BasedGod said:
was at the dentist and found out the system thinks im bipolar?
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You'll be alright, the system here knows I have substance abuse disorder, opioid use disorder, depression, anxiety, bipolar 2, borderline personality disorder, schizoaffective, and ADHD. They haven't institutionalized me yet. Well, for any longer than a month or so :/
 
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deficiT said:
You'll be alright, the system here knows I have substance abuse disorder, opioid use disorder, depression, anxiety, bipolar 2, borderline personality disorder, scchizoaffective, and ADHD. They haven't institutionalized me yet. Well, for any longer than a month or so :/
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Hey we're almost diagnosis twinsies! 😃 Except I've got depression, anxiety, Complex PTSD, BPD, ADD, and substance use disorder.
 
Done dropped the doses. I fucking need dat klonopin. Im still doing 3mg ksalol while I would be fine with 1mg klonopin... fucking hell. Back to 2-2.5mg bupre a day.
 
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