What I learnt from my last relapse which has changed my life completely

[Eligiu]

I first got into recovery at 17, having been using habitually since 14 and finally getting caught by family. I went to NA, and did a year before I had a sip of beer and thinking I ruined everything, went completely off the rails. I won't get into my (somewhat controversial) opinion about NA, but suffice to say, it's not for me and it took a long time to undo the damage that was done when I went. Another sad side effect of going to meetings at the age I was is because people where I attended had a propensity to glamourise their drug use - especially IV users - and I decided then and there at 17 that there was absolutely no way I was going to get clean forever until I'd had my fun with that too, because I was incredibly jealous of them. And that's where the first thought of IV use were planted in my head. It undoubtedly would have happened eventually, but it was unnecessarily early.

I spent until 2015 using on and off, not anything too hardcore but I ended up on opiate replacement therapy. I'd been overseas a year and kept my drinking to a normal and reasonable level like my peers. But as soon as I got home, I went straight into hardcore use - looking for prescription opiates, benzos (ended up with a reliable Xanax connection unfortunately) and by early 2016 I was introduced to meth perhaps only a week after I ran away from home. I'd run away because while I was overseas living with my old exchange family, I'd realised there were a lot of things about my family that were not normal, and once my brother got kicked out I had zero intention of living there without him. The day I got kicked out I sold the gold bar I was given for my 21st birthday and had $2000 in cash, and I went straight to find a dealer to get my hands on heroin and meth and I managed it. Then I went straight to the needle exchange and met up with a woman I'd met online who offered to teach me what to do. I realised, after writing an account of that period of my life from my perspective, that I'd made the decision to do it because I wanted to fuck my life up as quickly as possible and I didn't deserve anything more.

By the end of 2017 I ended up in rehab after a really bad 8-9 months worth of using, the last 2 weeks where my two friends from uni went overseas for the holidays and my housemate was away, so I was left at home for the break with zero interaction with anyone and access to double the amount of drugs I'd been using previously. I forgot to eat for basically the entire fortnight and lost around 7kg. At the beginning of the next term, when I sadly trudged to uni again after realising my choice was 1) don't go back and this is what your life will be forever, or 2) take the heat from your mates because they already know you're on drugs, just not how badly, one of my friends sat me down and interrogated me about what I'd been doing and I caved and asked for any help he could give me.

I spent 3 months in outpatient after I decided to sign up and went to Germany again for an exchange course, and while I was over there I actually forgot I ever had any problems with drugs. No craving, no time spent ruminating about it. No desire to drink endless cheap alcohol. I even quit smoking. As soon as I got back the cravings came back immediately and I was using on and off the whole next year, more so because I'd moved in with a guy who had a DV relationship with his partner and it triggered me badly.

At the beginning of 2019 I went interstate for 2 months and again - no cravings, no desires to use even though I lived with my old housemates dad who would sit in his backyard with his boarder and get wasted every night. I was surrounded by alcohol in Australia's worst meth affected town and I never even thought about it once. I quit smoking again, but on the drive back home I caved on the way.

I used a couple of times through 2019 and just could never get more than 9 months together off everything and would also frequently self-harm and restrict my eating.

After relapsing this time, I realised I don't even like taking meth - it doesn't affect me the same way as normal people as I have Narcolepsy and ADHD. I just become awake. I can be in front of people and they don't think I'm high, they comment that it's nice to see me with a normal amount of energy (unless I do a stupidly high dose and it fucks my pupils up). And I only use meth because I can use IV - because my goal when I do it is to be sitting in my room alone, shooting up 10 times and fucking my arms up wasting my time with zero friends because it's all I think I deserve. It's just more self-harm.

So I realised, I don't have a drug problem. I don't even have an addiction. I obviously have a problem - which is that I'm hell bent on punishing myself for things that happened to me a long time ago. I've had periods where these things didn't only not pass my mind, but I actively abhorred the thought of doing it. When I get off drugs I just replace it with self-harm or restricting my eating. It's the same behaviour.

I don't believe I can ever use drugs again, I'm not that stupid, but I don't need drug and alcohol counselling - I need counselling around how to get to a place where I don't actually want to hurt myself by doing a behaviour I hate. I don't like being high - I don't like being drunk but if I'm in the wrong mindset I'll buy alcohol and drink it. I hate weed and it gives me psychosis but I'll still do it. Why? because I think I deserve feeling that shit.

Like the lived experience mentor at rehab told me 3 years ago I didn't have a drug problem and I didn't understand what she meant until this month. She told me I had a different problem but she couldn't tell me what it was, she said I'd have to figure it out myself. And I finally did.

So I mean, thanks to this relapse, I know exactly what to do now.

 

[arrall]

So I realised, I don't have a drug problem. I don't even have an addiction. I obviously have a problem - which is that I'm hell bent on punishing myself for things that happened to me a long time ago. I've had periods where these things didn't only not pass my mind, but I actively abhorred the thought of doing it. When I get off drugs I just replace it with self-harm or restricting my eating. It's the same behaviour.

I don't believe I can ever use drugs again, I'm not that stupid, but I don't need drug and alcohol counselling - I need counselling around how to get to a place where I don't actually want to hurt myself by doing a behaviour I hate. I don't like being high - I don't like being drunk but if I'm in the wrong mindset I'll buy alcohol and drink it. I hate weed and it gives me psychosis but I'll still do it. Why? because I think I deserve feeling that shit.

Drug use as self-harm rather than traditional addiction is an interesting phenomenon. Thank you for sharing your story. You've clearly been through a lot and I hope that you are able to get some therapy and figure things out now that you know the thought patterns behind your past use.

 

[nznity]

NA doesn't work 4 me. Sorry 2 long 2 read.

 

[nznity]

I first got into recovery at 17, having been using habitually since 14 and finally getting caught by family. I went to NA, and did a year before I had a sip of beer and thinking I ruined everything, went completely off the rails. I won't get into my (somewhat controversial) opinion about NA, but suffice to say, it's not for me and it took a long time to undo the damage that was done when I went. Another sad side effect of going to meetings at the age I was is because people where I attended had a propensity to glamourise their drug use - especially IV users - and I decided then and there at 17 that there was absolutely no way I was going to get clean forever until I'd had my fun with that too, because I was incredibly jealous of them. And that's where the first thought of IV use were planted in my head. It undoubtedly would have happened eventually, but it was unnecessarily early.

I spent until 2015 using on and off, not anything too hardcore but I ended up on opiate replacement therapy. I'd been overseas a year and kept my drinking to a normal and reasonable level like my peers. But as soon as I got home, I went straight into hardcore use - looking for prescription opiates, benzos (ended up with a reliable Xanax connection unfortunately) and by early 2016 I was introduced to meth perhaps only a week after I ran away from home. I'd run away because while I was overseas living with my old exchange family, I'd realised there were a lot of things about my family that were not normal, and once my brother got kicked out I had zero intention of living there without him. The day I got kicked out I sold the gold bar I was given for my 21st birthday and had $2000 in cash, and I went straight to find a dealer to get my hands on heroin and meth and I managed it. Then I went straight to the needle exchange and met up with a woman I'd met online who offered to teach me what to do. I realised, after writing an account of that period of my life from my perspective, that I'd made the decision to do it because I wanted to fuck my life up as quickly as possible and I didn't deserve anything more.

By the end of 2017 I ended up in rehab after a really bad 8-9 months worth of using, the last 2 weeks where my two friends from uni went overseas for the holidays and my housemate was away, so I was left at home for the break with zero interaction with anyone and access to double the amount of drugs I'd been using previously. I forgot to eat for basically the entire fortnight and lost around 7kg. At the beginning of the next term, when I sadly trudged to uni again after realising my choice was 1) don't go back and this is what your life will be forever, or 2) take the heat from your mates because they already know you're on drugs, just not how badly, one of my friends sat me down and interrogated me about what I'd been doing and I caved and asked for any help he could give me.

I spent 3 months in outpatient after I decided to sign up and went to Germany again for an exchange course, and while I was over there I actually forgot I ever had any problems with drugs. No craving, no time spent ruminating about it. No desire to drink endless cheap alcohol. I even quit smoking. As soon as I got back the cravings came back immediately and I was using on and off the whole next year, more so because I'd moved in with a guy who had a DV relationship with his partner and it triggered me badly.

At the beginning of 2019 I went interstate for 2 months and again - no cravings, no desires to use even though I lived with my old housemates dad who would sit in his backyard with his boarder and get wasted every night. I was surrounded by alcohol in Australia's worst meth affected town and I never even thought about it once. I quit smoking again, but on the drive back home I caved on the way.

I used a couple of times through 2019 and just could never get more than 9 months together off everything and would also frequently self-harm and restrict my eating.

After relapsing this time, I realised I don't even like taking meth - it doesn't affect me the same way as normal people as I have Narcolepsy and ADHD. I just become awake. I can be in front of people and they don't think I'm high, they comment that it's nice to see me with a normal amount of energy (unless I do a stupidly high dose and it fucks my pupils up). And I only use meth because I can use IV - because my goal when I do it is to be sitting in my room alone, shooting up 10 times and fucking my arms up wasting my time with zero friends because it's all I think I deserve. It's just more self-harm.

So I realised, I don't have a drug problem. I don't even have an addiction. I obviously have a problem - which is that I'm hell bent on punishing myself for things that happened to me a long time ago. I've had periods where these things didn't only not pass my mind, but I actively abhorred the thought of doing it. When I get off drugs I just replace it with self-harm or restricting my eating. It's the same behaviour.

I don't believe I can ever use drugs again, I'm not that stupid, but I don't need drug and alcohol counselling - I need counselling around how to get to a place where I don't actually want to hurt myself by doing a behaviour I hate. I don't like being high - I don't like being drunk but if I'm in the wrong mindset I'll buy alcohol and drink it. I hate weed and it gives me psychosis but I'll still do it. Why? because I think I deserve feeling that shit.

Like the lived experience mentor at rehab told me 3 years ago I didn't have a drug problem and I didn't understand what she meant until this month. She told me I had a different problem but she couldn't tell me what it was, she said I'd have to figure it out myself. And I finally did.

So I mean, thanks to this relapse, I know exactly what to do now.

What I can tell you is that drugs and alcohol just mask the pain. Until you confront urself with what u suffering, ull never be set free. Drugs aren't the actual problem, just an escapade from ur trouble.

 

[Eligiu]

What I can tell you is that drugs and alcohol just mask the pain. Until you confront urself with what u suffering, ull never be set free. Drugs aren't the actual problem, just an escapade from ur trouble

You know, no offence but I've noticed a phenomenon on this site where people don't read the full post and then write stupid replies which are utterly pointless.

If you had read my actual post, you would have seen the part where I wrote that I don't believe that I can ever have a healthy relationship with substances and have zero intention of wanting that.

So I mean, thanks for a completely meaningless and condescending comment? What is the actual deal with people not being able to comprehend that some people don't use drugs for the same reason they do? Great, you used it to avoid things. I don't. Taking drugs doesn't mask my pain, it exponentially increases it because I do it to harm myself.

I literally know exactly why I punish myself and I've known for years. I just didn't realise drugs fell into the same category. I don't need someone on the internet telling me to confront my past, I'm well past that.

If you have time to write something useless maybe next time read the post lol.

 

[nznity]

Nah man I don't. I know what I need to do and it's not that. And it's going to happen for me in a matter of weeks when I finally do it. So put your big boy pants on and get a grip.

I'm doing worse than u in life atm but u sound angrier than me rofl. Whateverssss mate, gl stsying away from the needle. I used to iv coke not for fun, I just wanted to fuckinh die. Until I started caring more about myself. Good luck stsying away from fent. I know it's tough shit but not impossible.✌

 

[n3ophy7e]

You know, no offence but I've noticed a phenomenon on this site where people don't read the full post and then write stupid replies which are utterly pointless.

If you had read my actual post, you would have seen the part where I wrote that I don't believe that I can ever have a healthy relationship with substances and have zero intention of wanting that.

So I mean, thanks for a completely meaningless and condescending comment? What is the actual deal with people not being able to comprehend that some people don't use drugs for the same reason they do? Great, you used it to avoid things. I don't. Taking drugs doesn't mask my pain, it exponentially increases it because I do it to harm myself.

I literally know exactly why I punish myself and I've known for years. I just didn't realise drugs fell into the same category. I don't need someone on the internet telling me to confront my past, I'm well past that.

If you have time to write something useless maybe next time read the post lol.

Mate, come on, nznity's reply was generic, yes. But it still came from a good place. Give him that.


Anyway, I can definitely relate to a lot of what you've said. I've been addicted to MANY things, not which of least has been co-dependency, self harm (quite severe at times), self-sabotage, various eating disorders, and of course I've been addicted to almost any addictive substance. So I truly appreciate what it's like to have unusual/unorthodox addictions. Thank you so much for sharing with us what is a different perspective on addiction. You seem like a really intellectual and self-aware person, so I hope you stick around BL.

 

[Eligiu]

Mate, come on, nznity's reply was generic, yes. But it still came from a good place. Give him that.


Anyway, I can definitely relate to a lot of what you've said. I've been addicted to MANY things, not which of least has been co-dependency, self harm (quite severe at times), self-sabotage, various eating disorders, and of course I've been addicted to almost any addictive substance. So I truly appreciate what it's like to have unusual/unorthodox addictions. Thank you so much for sharing with us what is a different perspective on addiction. You seem like a really intellectual and self-aware person, so I hope you stick around BL.

My issue with it was the not bothering to read it then offering a generic response. If you're going to comment on something, my opinion is that you should take the time to educate yourself on the initial post before offering a statement that has already been covered in a way that is kind of telling the person to do something that won't actually work for them. I've been in recovery since I was 17 and I've heard the 'drugs are a bandaid for your problems' for 10 years and it's never spurred me to action because it never resonated with me.

I don't need to accept my situation, or accept things for how they are - I need to shift my mindset about how I think about the things I experienced when I was young. Accepting things won't change my drug use, in fact it may cause things to worsen for me personally.

Thanks for your response. At this stage I wouldn't even call my issues an addiction, I think that's a stretch. And it's not to cop out, it's just that I've never preferred any one thing over the other. I stopped injecting meth because my friends hated it the most out of everything. Then heroin was a very close second. All other drugs got a free pass with them, as did my self harm and restricting eating. They pitied me for those things, but the meth and heroin caused problems. I only quit them because they hated it.

But now that I know it's all the same thing, well. I don't really have much desire to engage at all. I just thought of this on Friday, had a lightbulb moment, pulled my phone out, deleted my dealers, threw my razors away and went to bed. It was the easiest thing in the world to do and compared to other times I've tried to quit, it wasn't even a choice. I just did it.