Why are you afraid of departing from monogamy?

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

first of all, you're only talking about yourself and how you feel, not the other person in the relationship. second, I'm not implying that you will fall in love with someone because you had sex. but i AM saying, once you do have sex with that person, you can't go back to how it was before. it changes things and those little changes can easily have big consequences. there's a reason most people who say open relationships work are young and have never had a real relationship that lasts decades. I've seen many people in the gay community tell me how "healthy" open relationships are and that they DO work just to watch them break up a few months later. it's naïve

Ok I was not exactly sure what you were meaning with your reply. Thanks for clarifying.

I do agree with what you said about how oftentimes it is exactly as you described. I have known people who had very open marriages and relationships only to have their partner lie, cheat once and break trust or they learn their partner has cheated 100s or 1,000s of times with 100s or 1,000s of people, break a hard no rule such as for example have unsafe sex or no dating/romance with the other person, etc.

 

[skipjames]

Monogamy is also a question if time management. we are limited beings with limited time : our days are of 24 hours, we sleep let s say 6-8 hours ( or should , this works also for you speed and coke lovers) , we usually have to work- score our DOCS- have a social life and have no time to invest in more than one profound relationship at the time. If you have , say, 4 husbands-wifes, there will always be a favorite, this is unjust with the others. I ld choose good, old , time honoured and guilt ridden occasional sneaking around anytime over this polyamory thing ( Amor if u are reading this I m not condoning cheating, it s just for the sake of the argument and to show to these people that I might be Catholic but I as hip as they are! )

 

[xtcgrrrl]

it's more fun to sneak around

(true story)

Tell people they must not do something and that very thing becomes much more attractive…or this is how SOME people operate, anyway. It’s for this reason that I believe the rates of drug use would go DOWN, not up, if everything was legalized…it’s not dark and sordid anymore lol

 

[HighTek4SexTek]

It sounds like you're struggling with the idea of having an open relationship with your wife, but you're not sure if it's the right decision for both of you.
It's important to recognize that everyone has different values and comfort levels when it comes to sex and relationships.
While some couples may thrive in an open relationship, others may not. Before pursuing any type of open relationship, it's important to have an honest and open conversation with your partner about your desires and fears. It's important to establish clear boundaries and rules that both of you feel comfortable with. It's also important to recognize that jealousy and insecurity can still arise, even in an open relationship.
As for your question about whether most women fantasize about threesomes with another guy, it's difficult to say. I love threesomme MMF for example.
Sexual fantasies vary from person to person and can be influenced by a variety of factors, including upbringing, experiences, and personal preferences. It's important to communicate with your partner about your fantasies and desires and to respect their boundaries and desires as well.

 

[sunday.bird]

Not the type to cheat. I wouldn't be able to keep it a secret. My conscience would eat me alive. She deserves to know.

I don't want to have an open relationship either or a polyamorous relationship. Neither idea has ever appealed to me. Somebody said earlier it's more about the principle of the thing. That's a big part of it for me. I don't like to feel as if my freedoms are constricted. I am less likely to be conflicted about not exercising the freedom if I'm told I can't.

Tell people they must not do something and that very thing becomes much more attractive…or this is how SOME people operate, anyway. It’s for this reason that I believe the rates of drug use would go DOWN, not up, if everything was legalized…it’s not dark and sordid anymore lol

Not completely sure about that?

...

The proportion of young adults who reported past-year marijuana use reached 43% in 2021, a significant increase from 34% five years ago (2016) and 29% 10 years ago (2011). Marijuana use in the past month was reported by 29% of young adults in 2021, compared to 21% in 2016 and 17% in 2011.

Marijuana and hallucinogen use among young adults reached all-time high in 2021

NIH-supported study also found past-month vaping levels rebound after early pandemic drop.

www.nih.gov

I would definitely use more drugs if they were all readily available and high quality.

I only want to have the occasional extra-marital sexual encounter, like once every couple of months. Hell, even once a year.

I don't think there's any risk of me falling in love with someone I hook up with because I don't even really talk to them and I have zero interest in becoming romantically entangled.

 

[Veritas Sleep]

Guys is sex really this fun ? I don't get it. Someone is printing money and then paying as little as they can for other people's time. Whats the whole deal ? Xd

 

[Veritas Sleep]

I understand this because taking too much of anything will lead to patologies. But what is fun in kissing lips that sucked someone else's peni$?

 

[skipjames]

I understand this because taking too much of anything will lead to patologies. But what is fun in kissing lips that sucked someone else's peni$?

I like the idea of people giving each other´s pleasure and being honest and have a connection, even momentary, and I also "like to be liked" , that s why prostitution never did anything for me ( I give it a try but ended doing lines and chit chat with the professionals instead) . IF you care or are in love with someone is even better, I ve no probs kissing someone that sucked my penis or eating pussy (sorry my French) giving pleasure is a turn on as receiving one is...probably the negative effects on sexuality of my DOCS are the only real reasons I can find to clean my act-moderate my use of my DOcs

 

[Rickbob408]

Tell people they must not do something and that very thing becomes much more attractive…or this is how SOME people operate, anyway. It’s for this reason that I believe the rates of drug use would go DOWN, not up, if everything was legalized…it’s not dark and sordid anymore lol

i gotta agree the danger adds a sense of danger and lust to it. but i totally agree you about the legialization

 

[SpiralusSancti]

The proportion of young adults who reported past-year marijuana use reached 43% in 2021, a significant increase from 34% five years ago (2016) and 29% 10 years ago (2011). Marijuana use in the past month was reported by 29% of young adults in 2021, compared to 21% in 2016 and 17% in 2011.

Marijuana and hallucinogen use among young adults reached all-time high in 2021

NIH-supported study also found past-month vaping levels rebound after early pandemic drop.

www.nih.gov

I would definitely use more drugs if they were all readily available and high quality.

I only want to have the occasional extra-marital sexual encounter, like once every couple of months. Hell, even once a year.

I don't think there's any risk of me falling in love with someone I hook up with because I don't even really talk to them and I have zero interest in becoming romantically entangled.

Many other studies like that all over the world. So as much as forbidden fruit might taste better, who cares if allowed fruit is HQ?

Also I wont look it up but there’s a study how at some places where weed became legal even booze sales went up. If you don’t understand why I can spell it for you ≈

Weed ☺Booze ☻ Weed ☺Booze ☻≥ Weed or Booze

 

[Foreigner]

My desire for monogamy is not ideologically driven. It's just how I'm wired. I have explored this thoroughly and I can't change it.

You know how you meet people who say that monogamy could never work for them, that they could never have sex with just one person? Well I'm like that in terms of how certain I am, except the complete opposite. I find only being with the same person very hot and I love the strengthening of the connection over time.

There is no fear involved in this for me. When I'm in a monogamous relationship, I naturally lose interest in sex and romanticism with anyone other than my partner. The idea of being someone else is actually painful for me.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

There is no fear involved in this for me. When I'm in a monogamous relationship, I naturally lose interest in sex and romanticism with anyone other than my partner. The idea of being someone else is actually painful for me.

That’s a beautiful thing

 

[SpiralusSancti]

As for title, I don't think many people are afraid of leaving monogamy. Same as when someone says that someone is afraid of bonding, that might be the case sometimes but even with that, I think it more of a choice to not get too close with someone. Cuz that person is not ideal partner for them and vice versa.
I've been in an open relationship once and it was exactly what I needed then. Among other things it was a way of finishing relationship without finishing it totally. Been there, done that and wont do it again, I'm basically positive about that, more so than with most things. Ex I've done it with said same thing, immediately after break up, while I needed some more time playing with woman like that before I gained enough confidence and understood both myself and woman better.

 

[Salem_is_tired]

Whenever I try to imagine a poly relationship, the first thing that comes to mind… Exhausting. I’m just not a super social person so the thought of having to navigate any more than a one person relationship sounds daunting and plain not fun.

-GC

I totally agree on this one. Even now, as I live whit my partner we have struggles to find the time to actually have some quality activates together, besides walking the dog and debating over something as I cook and he does the dishes :D I cannot imagen how much time it takes to arrange meet ups with multiple people (even if we talk about a poly-cule where not everyone is in daily contact with each other). If let's say, I would have another partner whom I also would like to meet up quite regularly (2-3/per week, even just for a few hours), and one other who we only visit each other monthly bases, I would be definitely don't have enough time to myself and my own shit beside my partner whom I live with. And yes, "You have the time for what you want to spend time on" or something like this, but there always will be work/school and a household to take care of - at the minimum. And we don't have endless time - sadly.

Also on the jealousy-issue, since I feel like this is often the point people in "non-traditional" relationships like to point out: Yes, I know. I would be fucking jealous. So what? I don't want to share. If my fiancé would call me up and tell me, that hey babe sorry, but can re-schedule today, because my gf would like to meet up with me, I know I would just tell him off. Even if we see each other daily, (as previously mentioned) in my case, that doesn't count as time spend together. Of course, when you live with someone, you mostly likely will not go on dates that often as you did before moving in together, but existing in the same space - at least for me - doesn't count as "time spend together", especially if we have a rough week, and only sit in two different rooms, occupied with something uni/work related.

I totally understand that some people view relationships and sex differently, but for me, if my partner would go out and have a full-blown relationships with other people beside me, I would question our relationship, and feel like what we are, is just glorified room-mates. We fuck, we talk, and we go out with another people - for me, this would be a friends-with-benefits thing, not a relationship. But again, this is me, and my view. Bein in monogamy, and also in a closed relationship is important for me.

 

[garygroundwork]

I'm bisexual. I've always had some wiggle room in relationships but there has always been tension there, even though I'm more than happy to have a threesome with her there (which we have done, but didn't do the right way so it turned her off the idea).

Not sure why people wouldn't want to have sex with other people once in a while.

The reason we don't do it is pretty much fear, from what I can figure.

We're afraid our partner will fall in love with another person; we're afraid that they will prefer sex with another person: we are afraid - basically - they will leave us.

There's also fear of performance in front of multiple people.

I guess with my situation there's fear I'm going to "turn gay"?

If it was a FFM threesome, I'm sure guys would be worried about their girlfriends or wives "becoming lesbians".

It all seems kind of petty to me, if you break it down.

If my relationship is so flimsy that some random person can come along and destroy it with meaningless sex: I want to know.

I was talking to her about this recently and it's only fair that she should be able to sleep with other guys. She caught me off guard, but I thought about it and I don't actually have a huge problem with it. If we can both do it, I can live with that... But she doesn't want to do it. She was just making a point. I get it. Although, I don't think it's the same. Because - like I said - I want her to be there. So, if she wants the same thing then what she's suggesting is exactly what I'm saying I want.

I haven't had any extra-marital encounters for a while now (almost two years?). She said it's okay, but she said it in a way that it clearly isn't.

She doesn't seem to have any issue with it, really, other than me not conforming to this idea because I should conform to it.

It's unfortunate the threesome we had turned out weird. We blindfolded this guy we met online and chained him to a queen size bed, then fucked on top of him and took turns playing with him. Sounds good in theory, but it was a bit too much of a shock to the system for her... and that's obvious in retrospect.

I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to do. I'm not pushing that at all. But she has hinted that we might do it again one day.

It's hard with kids. It's hard enough to have sex with just the two of us, let alone organizing something like this. There's not a lot of time one of us isn't at work and/or our daughter is reining destruction upon our house.

I get the impression we're going to postpone it for a decade or so.

In the meantime, I think I should be able to play around. Thoughts?

I understand the counterarguments, but I don't think my wife is concerned about any of that petty shit.

If I wanted to be with another woman, she says she'd feel insecure about herself... which makes sense to me.

I'm not really into the idea of swingers or anything like that. Don't want to introduce other women to the mix. I'm satisfied in that department.

Most men fantasize about threesomes with another girl... Do most women fantasize about threesomes with another guy?

Nothing better than having 3somes with your partner.

But you need to set a few ground rules first.

 

[garygroundwork]

Yeah, as @Nurse Ratched said, honesty is key here. I’ve done all of the above. I was a swinger with my ex-husband, and that wasn’t the thing that drove us apart; ultimately it was about his inability to support the family and my drug addiction, which was all-consuming at the time. But the swinger part was fine, and I’ll tell anyone who will listen that it worked for us and I bet he would do the same. We had some good times. Then, right about the time my marriage was breaking apart, I entered into a polygamous relationship with this couple that I know. It only lasted a short time, but it was fairly intense. I learned from that one how difficult it can be to take care of everyone’s needs when there’s more than one other person in the relationship, both in and out of bed. (Like, if they were fighting, whose “side” was I supposed to be on?? And yes, they asked me to take sides, which is part of why it was so volatile. They were a fairly “high-drama” couple, but I stayed friends with them for a while afterwards.)

Point is: adding more people into a relationship is complicated and exhausting, which is why I don’t do it anymore. With swinging, you had to expend so much time and effort locating couples to swing with, and half the time they’d flake on you anyway. With the poly relationship, it’s all the problems of a “regular” relationship, times 2! So I’ve been there and done that, not really interested in a replay. I don’t mind doing a random threesome here and there with my partner, but obviously there has to be a STRONG trust and clear communication, but once you’ve got those two things down it’s really fine…as a spice, not the main course.

But yeah, all of those fears are generally why people don’t practice nonmonogamy. I personally believe that jealousy is a useless emotion that only harms the person experiencing it (doesn’t mean I haven’t felt it; I’m human, after all, but I think I have less of a tendency to it than most.) And I also believe that if, like you said, my relationship is so flimsy that a once-off sexual encounter like a threesome was going to wreck it, better to find out sooner than later. Most times, when that happens, it’s because there was something deeper was wrong in the relationship, not that the other person was just chasing some supposedly better tail…like maybe the other person fulfilled a need that wasn’t being met in the relationship? Idk. But I have friends who are successfully polygamous and they say all the time, you can have some needs met by one partner and others met by another, and you don’t have to LEAVE one to have both. It’s additive, not either/or.

Anyway, I’m too old and tired to have the energy for more than one person except as a very occasional thing, but more power to you if you can make it work

Here Here

Very well said.