Photo by Uday Mittal on Unsplash
by streaM Freak
Often we hear the phrase, “do the right thing”. This is a loaded phrase which can be used to motivate good behavior but also abused to punish bad behavior. Different ages, maturity levels, genetics – following guidelines is not as cut-and-dried as it is made to seem. I don’t believe order in society was created for malevolent purposes – I believe the opposite is true – however, sometimes we internalize loaded phrases such as “do the right thing”, and the result can be deadly.
There was a point in my life where my main objective was to simply wake up the next morning in my own bed. Not a jail cell, not a hospital bed. I did not have specific limitations on my drug use, because I saw that as secondary to my primary goal of survival. Being homeless at the time, I did not have the emotional bandwidth to be able to handle a secondary objective such as, “I will not drink every day; I will only drink on the weekends”, or “I will not abuse my Adderall; I will take my Adderall as prescribed”. For me, I was unconcerned with limits such as those. Again, I was just trying to make it until tomorrow.
Where this got dangerous was when I started to fall into an emotional feedback loop that started as a general warning of good intention from elementary school. Basically, “drugs are bad”. I understand the spirit of that phrase, and for the most part, for the target audience of elementary school kids, I agree. However, I was internalizing this phrase, as an adult in perpetual survival mode, in circumstances far more complex than a safe school environment. When those words were ringing in my head, not only did they simply not help, but they started this destructive downward spiral induced by shame.
When I feel shame, it is a step beyond feeling that “I am at fault”, like guilt would tell me. Shame would tell me, “I am a faulty person”. It’s similar, but more personal. It implies character defect, not merely wrongdoing. When I started to feel this way because of a norm that is ingrained in me (with good intentions), I started to feel like a failure. And because I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to handle such a complex emotion on top of my primary objective of surviving homelessness, the emotion ate away at me.
The result of these emotional difficulties was increased drug use. I felt bad about myself, so naturally I looked for the quickest way to feel better. And once I started using, it confirmed my idea that I was in fact “bad” for using drugs, and again I’d use to feel better, thus starting a negative and self-destructive loop that frankly I didn’t have the time to address in a healthy way.
If you get anything out of reading this quick excerpt of my life, it should be this: society has order for reasons, but because humans are not perfect, those reasons may not always apply to everyone in the same way. If you would like to reduce your drug use, then take steps to do so. If you are not in a place to quit, then please, at the very least don’t beat yourself up for trying to cope with complex issues. Your feelings are valid, and you are not a faulty person. Keep your chin up and take care of yourself, whatever that looks like in this moment.
streaM Freak is an anagram for Master Faker – a term used to describe the outcome of identity struggles in a world that encourages a one-size-fits-all structure. He is 34 years old.